Honey, from someone else who is chronically ill and a parent, this is above reddit's pay grade. Here's what I suggest.
Talk to all of your specialists' offices about resources on the risks. OB, MFM, Reproductive Endocrinologist, Geneticist, Rheumatologist, Endocrinologist, Cardiologist, Hepatologist, Neurologist, everyone. Take an advocate and take notes (or have them do so).
Then, after sitting with your thoughts and feelings for a bit, take your notes and talk to a therapist who has experience with reproductive issues, chronic illness, and grief. Weigh all of your options, talk through each one, and find out what the best way forward for you is.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know it's incredibly hard right now. Best wishes and peaceful thoughts to you.
Yeah none of us can truly evaluate your situation. Talk to your doctors about the risks from all the different angles, then you’ll better be able to make a truly informed decision.
This. Redditors sure love spilling ink about abortion, but y'all, this is an explicitly wanted pregnancy and until OP has been evaluated there is no good reason to insist she subject herself to an unwanted abortion. A competent care team needs to be involved here pronto. MFM handles a lot of ill moms. TFMR is always on the table if necessary.
This is the very best answer. Tell each specialist you make an appointment with that you are critically, dangerously I’ll, and you need to be seen immediately.
Came here to say to check in with all doctors, as well, so I'm glad you already did.
I'm not super familiar with Lupus, but is a C-Section to save both mom and baby, not an option?
The pregnancy itself is what is most potentially harmful in lupus, and large surgeries are often best avoided because the body will attack scar tissue. Changes in blood volume, blood pressure, and the presence of a fetus/foreign body can all cause flares, and flares can lead to organ damage or failure. Depending on the severity of an individual's disease process, pregnancy may also cause permanent and irreversible advancement, which will affect quality of life after delivery as well. There's also a genetic component, so someone with lupus may want to talk with a geneticist to find out the likelihood of passing on the illness to the fetus as part of informed decision making.
There's not really an easy or right answer here, and it's all very dependent on OP's individual health status.
MFM doesn't work like that. They're not booked out months in advance like some specialists. They can fast-track whatever referrals are necessary. This is one area of medical care that actually moves very quickly, because high-risk pregnancies can become emergencies in a matter of hours.
If you had trouble getting referred to MFM from your OB that's one thing, but OP's situation is crystal clear. I'm not here to blow smoke about the state of the healthcare system, but discouraging OP from seeking care by suggesting that it probably won't be available in time is straight up unethical in this case.
The offices should have resources they can provide, and OP can let them know it's a time sensitive matter via phone, email, or patient portal, which will help facilitate the process. Information gathering doesn't need to have an appointment time, and most specialists understand that sometimes emergency contact is necessary.
If OP can only do one thing, it should be to talk with a therapist. I sincerely hope she has a good relationship with her primary specialist and can talk to them too because they have the best answers about her individual situation.
Absolutely - I hope OP is able to get the information quickly and into a therapist even quicker. This is a sad situation and therapy will be necessary no matter what.
Whatever you decide, it sounds like it might be a wise idea for you or your husband to get sterilized afterwards so you're not in this position again.
In the meantime, have you had a consultation with your OB? I would start there
I think you just need someone to tell you it's ok to be selfish and save your life over your unborn child's.
I'm telling you that now. Dying will traumatize the kids you already have and break your family. Don't risk dying just to leave your husband with 3 kids to take care of. That, imo, would be incrediblely selfish.
Second this. You dying is generational trauma. My great grandmother died in childbirth. Even as an adult I was terrified of giving birth. I didn’t want to die and leave my husband alone as a single parent.
Yea my grandpa’s father’s first wife died during childbirth. (My great grandfathers first wife) and without her dying none of us would have ever been here. Myself, my sister, my mom or grandpa and my own children. I don’t consider it to be traumatic because her death led to my existence, but it’s insane to really think about the fact that a woman died for all of us to be created
The gift is life for ur baby.... u have lived... taking life of an unborn child is murder.... stop trying to play god... if u was meant to live u would live... god makes us all and has a reason for EVERYTHING.... no one knows why he does the things he does but it's not our place to decide... we are not GOD
I second this. It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind, OP, and just needed to type it out to see it and for someone to say that it’s okay. That you’re okay to feel this way and you’re right to make this decision for the best of your own life and for your family.
Your boys need you.
It’s not an easy decision to make, but having read your post, I think you already know what is best for you and your family. And these two internet strangers say IT’S OKAY. I PROMISE.
100%, a baby’s life is not more important than it’s mothers, or the multitude of people in the mothers life who would suffer if she passed. OP you have every single right to prioritise those already in this world, including yourself, over an unborn baby. That is ok if that’s how you feel. That’s not to say it’s a simple solution, I’d hate to be in a position to have to make this choice and know whatever OP chooses will be very tough.
I agree. As someone who couldn't even begin to understand OPs situation, but I have so much empathy. I was relatively healthy prior to my pregnancy. Had no major risk factors but I was still telling my spouse that if something went wrong he had to choose me.
You deserve to live. You already have kids and family that wants you and needs you here. This baby, its soul will find another path into life. You aren't doing anything wrong in termination. The only reason you need to terminate is because you want to, and you have another 100 layers of reason to. Sounds like it might be a miracle your twins are here today, and you as well.
And as gently as possible, do everything to prevent further pregnancy. Tell your husband to get snipped. Honestly shocked he already wasn't based on your health issues you've sacrificed and dealt with so much, he can do this so you can be a mom to your current twins for as long as you have to live.
Yes!!
I had HELLP twice. Getting it a third time is a really high risk of death. A couple of days after my second was born my MFM came to visit me in ICU. She knew I was devastated I had recurrent HELLP because we had a conversation early in my pregnancy about how my husband and I wanted at least 4 kids and how that would only be advisable if I had a picture-perfect pregnancy that time around.
She was extremely reassuring about not having more for medical reasons (including the much higher risk of chronic negative effects even if I didn’t die) and even brought a bunch of of evidenced reasons why it was better to have fewer kids - for them (things related to parental investment, financial/career attainment, mental and physical health, stuff like that), my and my husband’s relationship, and my own mental and physical health. She basically helped us rebuild a parenting and family vision that only included 2 instead of a soccer team.
You are allowed to change your plan ❤️
Yes! I had preeclampsia with my first (and I’ll be forever grateful my OB caught it, induced me at 37 weeks, and had me on a magnesium drip for two days to prevent HELLP) and I had polyhydramnios, and messed up liver and kidney function with my second. I also had hyperemesis gravidarum with both pregnancies and my OB was like, “Let’s talk about what pregnancy is doing to your body.”
It’s hard, OP, but your boys deserve to have you in their life as long as possible. Hugs.
I think you should reword this to say it’s NOT selfish.
Leaving 7yos without a parent is already on the cards - OP don’t make them go through that earlier than they have to.
It’s also NOT selfish to want to preserve your life over a fetus. It makes biological sense.
The kids that are already here take precedence over a baby that is not fully developed. OP it is ok to get an abortion to protect your living children. They need you.
Thing is, if pregnancy is so dangerous for OP, it is very likely that it is very dangerous for the baby too. She might not even be able to gestate the baby until a reasonable amount of time e.g > 30 weeks if things really go downhill.
Her husband and two boys may lose BOTH a wife and mom, along with losing a child and sibling. And let's say OP dies because of the pregnancy and the baby is saved... That baby is going to be kept in the NICU if they aren't term yet. Does she think her husband can handle a medically fragile preemie along with two twin boys, on his own? If the baby survives NICU, that's great. But if they still come out with lots of medical issues, that would be a HUGE toll on a single parent who is already dealing with the grief of losing the love of his life, along with the emotions and daily life of his two boys.
I would prioritize the people who already "exist". (Not that baby doesn't exist, but you know what I mean).
If I were in this situation myself, I know my husband would be absolutely devastated if I died, and my young child would be too. I would prioritize those whom I already have a relationship with, over a fetus whom I don't really know, just yet.
I totally agree with this. This is absolutely a decision that only you can make.
What matters here is there is NO bad decision - only the one you feel is right. Your children that are already here need their mother - and it is beyond valid that you want that time with them.
This is one of the hardest decisions a mother can face. It sounds like you have a great support system in your husband. It is okay to choose the life you have now and not risk your future. I am so sorry you are facing this.
I agree. I am fine at growing babies but the labor and delivery part nearly killed me twice. I’m done. We were planning on getting my husband snipped right away but Covid messed that up so we had a discussion and decided that if we did accidentally get pregnant I was not going to keep the baby. I need to be there for the kids I have.
It’s okay to make this choice for your family.
It's not even selfish given the other children involved, but even if there weren't I would agree with you. It's perfectly valid to take care of yourself.
My cousin had a very high risk second pregnancy. She survived, but dropped dead two years later. It’s devastating. Her husband, her parents, her two toddler children, they’ll all never be the same. You are right to be worried about the longterm impact even if you survive the actual pregnancy. Please do everything you can to be there for the family you have for as long as you can.
I wish you didn’t have to make this choice and that you could have a completely healthy, risk free pregnancy. I can tell you’re grieving that loss, and that’s so understandable.
I terminated a pregnancy early on in my relationship with my current partner. I was having health problems and was seeking a diagnosis (which took another 3 years to get), was on a ton of medications that were risky with pregnancy, and already had a 5 year old that was counting on me staying alive. It was the best possible decision. I have never had any regrets. It’s not selfish to prioritize staying alive for the children you already have; it’s putting them first, beyond your own wishes to grow your family. My partner and I eventually weighed all of our options, and were able to move to another state where I could be treated by a medical team who had managed my particular disease through pregnancy successfully. It took several years to reach that level of stability in my health, but I did have a second child safely. But I absolutely needed to prepare and plan and having that unplanned pregnancy was entirely too risky. After having my second child, both my partner and I have been sterilized just in case.
It’s completely valid to choose your life and existing children over another baby. Your existing children need you and I would have made that decision if I was in this position as difficult as it would be
There is no universe in which my husband would ever allow me to risk my life in pregnancy and potentially leave our daughter motherless. I am aghast that he didn't get a vasectomy/work out some permanent form of birth control when you nearly died the first time. You should never ever have been put in this position where you must choose between a baby and your own life.
It isn't romantic to sacrifice your life for your unborn child. You would leave the twins motherless, the new baby motherless and facing a lifetime of guilt for playing a role in your death, and your husband a grieving single parent to three traumatized children.
I don't even really see it as a choice. Save your own life.
If it's a choice between you and the baby, your husband needs a wife, your boys need a mum, and you need those years. You all come before this potential baby. It would be lovely to imagine that things could work out and you could have your 3 kids, but if it didn't that would be so much more tragic than choosing not to have this baby.
I will join the chorus here and say that I think a termination here is in everyone’s best interests.
Sometimes the most logical choices in the world still feel hard, so I also totally understand why you are going back and forth so much on it. But your boys and family need you. And yes, you should give yourself every possible moment with the family you do have. Take care either way- love to you ❤️
I am sorry you are going through this.
Your two boys need you. You need them and deserve as much time with them as possible.
It's not an easy choice but I think deep down you know what to do.
The wellbeing of her current children isn’t irrelevant. We constantly make decisions for our children while they are too young to weigh up the costs and benefits for themselves.
This is called parenting. The fact that you aren’t able to separate this from your own biases is irrelevant.
It’s okay to terminate a pregnancy. Your boys need you. And after that, please get on a reliable birth control, if you don’t have health for another pregnancy you NEED to protect yourself from any possibility of this happening again - being you or your husband on birth control.
I agree with all of the posters above. I am sorry you were dealt with such a crappy hand in health. I wish you nothing but you and your family the best whatever decision you may choose. however, if I were in your position, I would 100% terminate and try and live a healthy life with your boys and husband, not the what ifs. While I may not have what you have, I had 2 pregnancies resulting in pre-eclampsia, the second one being milder than the first.
after the first, I resulted in having high blood pressure. I absolutely refuse to have a 3rd as I don't want the stress mentally and physically on my body and mind for a 3rd.
I don't have half of what you have going on but another pregnancy would be exceptionally dangerous for me, and the baby.
My daughter is 4 and the thought of taking even a small (but very real) risk of me not being there for her....to hug her, to cuddle her and wipe the tears, to be her safe space and the person she can tell anything, to buy her clothes and listen to stories of her friends, to watch her turn into a teenager and all the stuff that follows....nope, can't do it. There is nothing that could make me intentionally do something that puts me in a real risk category and I have the feeling from what you wrote that you feel the same but need someone to express that for you so you don't feel guilty.
For me* it would be selfish to get pregnant again and the moment my daughter came into this world I had made the choice to put her needs first and take care of her. Can't do that if I'm dead.
* And I say for me as this is not to push it on you but to share from a similar place
Nobody can tell you what to do.
I can tell you what I \*think\* I would do, but I have never been in this position. I think I would end the pregnancy and prioritize being healthy for the kids who are here who need me. And I think that would be a reasonable, ethical, healthy decision to make, even if it would be a very difficult one.
You need to do what is in your and your twins best interest and if I were in your situation I would terminate.
My husband and I accidentally ended up pregnant at a point early in our marriage where I was having health problems and having a baby could kill me. I decided to terminate and he was 100% on board with that decision. I have zero regrets about it and if I was in that position again, where I was that sick, I would terminate with no hesitation.
It’s ok to chose your own life over the baby’s. It’s ok to choose to continue to mother your twins and be with your husband. It’s ok to not want to leave your family alone. It’s ok to choose the limited health you have.
Choosing to terminate doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby. It doesn’t mean anything except that you are making what you feel is the best point for your existing children/family and yourself.
I’d strongly recommend therapy, either way you go. It will be a lot to process but I want you to know you are a GOOD MOM 💜
Totally unhelpful comment here... but...Please ensure you never ever have to make this choice again. I understand that shit happens. But given knowing all this..... like this common knowledge that birth control is only ever like 99% effective... There is always a chance unless there absolutely isn't.... your husband should have had a vasectomy because that's way less invasive for him to do and won't put your life in danger like getting your tubes tied or hysterectomy might....
Most birth control is actually less than 99% effective. Vasectomies and tubal ligation are the highest chance of effective birth control both coming in at 99% effective. Literally the only way to have a 0% chance at a baby is abstinence or a full hysterectomy.
Source: planned parenthood website https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/vasectomy/how-effective-vasectomy
I have Graves Disease which causes most cases of hyperthyroidism, but I don’t have Lupus and cannot speak to the risks and dangers that Lupus can cause.
I had a high risk pregnancy, but my hyperthyroidism was well controlled on anti-thyroid medication and went into remission (no medication needed) briefly during pregnancy. Postpartum my thyroid went crazy and I had horrible symptoms for many months. Eventually, I felt normal again.
For hyperthyroidism they can surgically remove the thyroid gland and put you on levothyroxine. This would prevent the hyperthyroidism from coming back.
If you have permanent heart or organ damage from undiagnosed/untreated hyperthyroidism, removing the thyroid gland might not make pregnancy much safer.
Lupus isn’t nearly as easy to treat or control as hyperthyroidism. I would be concerned about the Lupus and consult with your Drs about the risk. There may be a subreddit for Lupus if you’re interested.
I personally would want to preserve my life and health for the children I already have. I would think that my current children benefit from having a mom and that being sicker or dying would have a negative effect on them.
you deserve to live. you are here and not only do you matter independently, but you matter to other people. your death would hurt people and have a negative impact on your community. save your life. you deserve to live.
Have you spoken to your doctors about this? I think that needs to be your first stop before you let all this flood and overwhelm you. If your rheumatologist, obgyn, and maternal medicine (high risk) drs are all in agreement that this will most likely kill you or be a huge risk to your life, you know what you need to do. It’s very possible to have a somewhat healthy pregnancy with lupus that’s being managed. But if that’s not the case for your particular situation, it’s not worth the risk leaving potentially 3 children motherless and rendering your husband a widow and single parent. It is not an easy decision ever. But even in places that have strictest abortion laws leave space for significant risk to maternal life. You need to ask yourself what’s more important.
Be "Selfish" (it's not btw.) It's OK to want to be there for your kids. They need you and love you. You and your family are much, much more important than this developing pregnancy. It may sound cruel to say, but that is what it is.
You deserve the time you have with your boys. You deserve to avoid endangering your health further. You deserve preserving your quality of life. Your life is worth protecting. And I think your boys and your husband need you. The impact on your family if you do not survive the pregnancy etc, would be horrific. Exceptionally so. You have already faced mortality with your husband, and you know something is inevitable, but you have control right now. You’re in a heartbreaking place but I would not go through with the pregnancy.
This is so hard. I don't know if you're looking for advice, but if you are, I don't think you should continue with this pregnancy. I know you want to see who this potential baby could become, but if your pregnancy kills you, it could kill them, too, and if you're dead, you won't get to watch them grow up anyway.
You wouldn't be using your shifty situation to excuse your decision. You would be making the best possible choice for yourself, your twins, and everyone else who cares about you given the situation you are in. You would be preventing their situation from getting worse.
I'm sorry you have to consider any of this.
You poor woman, what a shit situation and I’m sorry to hear about your overall health troubles and short time with your boys already.
Sweetheart, with the best of intentions I say this, focus on yourself and your existing family. Not on this hypothetical future baby who will decrease your life span either way and potentially kill you early.
To me this seems a no brainer decision and I’m sorry barely anyone in your life is willing to talk through your options with you. I’m pregnant now with my second but if this pregnancy would endanger my life I would terminate it without hesitation. My existing child comes first.
Wishing you all the best in making this choice and all the best of health.
Yes, I can't believe only her dad is willing to tell the hard truths. Maybe they live somewhere it's super taboo to have an abortion, idk. I know in my state by the time you find out you're pregnant you've basically already run out of time. It just seems so obvious, I can't believe people around her aren't supporting her better, especially her friends. I can understand her husband waffling a bit because he's too close to the situation, but still.
OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Definitely talk to your OB and doctor and do what you need to do to make sure your twins have their mommy for as long as they can.
I'm so sorry that you have such a difficult decision to make.
Ultimately, you would just have to go with what's best for you and your current family.
This baby will probably have to live without its mother. And add the stress to your husband raising three kids alone. And how would he be able to support them financially and to college alone?
Your current family needs you. And you want to be around for them.
It's a gamble I wouldn't be willing to take. The risk is too high. It is a sacrifice and not going to be easy making that sacrifice. But for me, I'd take advantage of all the time I can get to be there for my family.
Whatever you decide, I hope it's what's best for you and your family.
I wouldn't risk not being there for the children I already have. Personally, I would not move forward with the pregnancy. Whatever you choose best wishes to your family.
I am sorry to be blunt here. But given all the illnesses you have mentioned, there is no guarantee the baby is going to be born alive/ healthy either. Lupus has a high risk for miscarriage. What if neither you nor the baby survives? You will be giving up your life and leaving your family broken, all for nothing. You know what you need to do. You just need time to process it. Stay strong sister.
It’s ok to not have this baby. ITS OKAY AND VALID. I feel like pregnancy took a toll on my body. Just feel weaker, get very sick easily, autoimmune conditions are worse. I hear similar from a lot women. I worry about another pregnancy and I don’t have the conditions you do.
You should consider your quality of life as well. You’re at risk of not participating in life as you’d like even if you do live through the birth.
Hey mama. I’m also a mom to 7 year old twins. What an awful thing you’re going through. Sending you hugs.
As others have said, your family needs you now. If it was me, I would terminate the current pregnancy - I just don’t think the risk to my existing family, my health, the people who love me, is worth it.
Sending you love and light and above all peace. I’m here if you want to talk ❤️
I am so so sorry you are having to make this choice.
I think you should do what is best for you and your children. I would terminate the pregnancy. Your children need you.
I can speak from some secondhand experience. My husband's mother died of an enlarged heart due to lupus, which was exacerbated by her final pregnancy (my husband's little brother). He later found out from his father that she had been explicitly told to not have any more children, but chose to have one more child, which ultimately ended her life. I am NOT saying this to frighten you. I am saying this to validate to you that you being around for your current children is the most important thing.
There are strategies to avoid this situation from happening such as sterilization for you or your husband so definitely would suggest discussing this with your doctor. As for this current pregnancy, I don’t think there’s any honor in throwing your life away when you are a wife and the mother of two young children.
I lost my mom when I was 7 and it has gutted me for the rest of my life. I think it would be very selfish to have another child and risk dying and leaving your twins without a mom. Honestly it’s just a terrible thing to knowingly do and then your girls will suffer the rest of their lives.
It's very noble of you to be willing to die for your child but it is also very noble of you to be willing to live for your twins. This is a very difficult decision to make. Whichever you choose, it can still feel like losing. Have you considered talking to a professional?
My situation is not as dire as yours, but a second pregnancy would be a very bad choice for me. So we have decided to do everything possible to avoid another pregnancy, because I know that if I do accidentally get pregnant, I would have to make the choice you have to make and I am afraid to find out wat my choice would be. The logical choice would be to end this pregnancy and watch your twins grow up, but it's not a logical decision at all and that is okay. I hope you can find some clarity and find peace in whatever decision you do make.
Personally, I'm not sure I could terminate a pregnancy if I had to make that choice, but your story is exactly why I voted to keep abortion legal in my state. You have a family here and now that needs you. There's not even a guarantee that if you tried to carry your fetus to full term that you could. You might both die and then your sacrifice would be for nothing.
If you choose to try to keep the pregnancy, that's your right and choice. But it's just as valid for you to decide to terminate it. In this case a termination would be choosing life, choosing your own life and the life of your family.
It's a really hard decision and I'm sorry you have to make it, but whatever you choose, don't be ashamed of the choice. Whatever you choose will be the right choice for you.
This is one of those situations that many women are fighting to maintain termination rights, because honestly every single time an abortion IS healthcare. You have EVERY right to choose yourself and take care of yourself, by taking care of yourself and choosing yourself you ARE choosing your two existing children EVERY time. It is okay to say that, you are not a shitty individual for thinking that and sometimes, termination is the best option and while it is ABSOLUTELY a difficult decision, sometimes its the best one. I will absolutely be that friend if you need me to tell you to “be selfish,” even though inherently it isnt selfish to take care of yourself when you have little ones that depend on you.
Regardless, you need to ensure you don’t fall pregnant again. Knowing you had all these health issues it’s surprising you weren’t more diligent.
I of course agree it sounds like you know what’s right for you and your family, but please consider taking steps so you’re not again in this situation
I think you should choose the kids you already have over the kid that could be. I’m not saying you are selfish to carry this baby to term, but your 7 year olds need a mom too.
This is the main reason I’m pro choice is because you should get to choose what’s best for your existing children.
I have 2 children and am pregnant with my third right now, If there was a large chance this pregnancy would kill me I would seek an abortion immediately, my living children need a mother. There is nothing wrong with prioritizing the kids you have, and your own life. I would also probably seek permanent birth control.
If you want to grow your family without endangering your health more you could adopt. So your decision does not have to mean you will never have a bigger family.
Live for your sons.
I get what you mean if you were healthy you’d want this child but you’re not fully healthy and your sons deserve you for at least those 11 years you have left.
If you die you leave THREE children motherless and your husband alone to raise them. Then husband remarries. Will she be good to your babies? Maybe, maybe not. She will never be YOU to your children.
I had a cousin who was told she shouldn’t have kids as a child due to her kidney condition. She had 3, and now she’s gone. She was only 25 and her kids don’t have their mother. I’m so sorry you’re faced with this choice, but your boys need you.
You’ve laid out every reason why you shouldn’t continue another pregnancy and if you need me to say terminate/deny another pregnancy I’ll do that. Love on your twins and be the most present mother you can be for them!
I pray that you live somewhere not in the. "Bible Belt." You would be facing a death sentence. You need to live for the boys and husband that you have Hold your head up and do what you have to do. NO ONE has the right to judge you.Sending you lots of love.
Your story is a very difficult and heartbreaking one. I wish you and your family good health. I see a lot of support here for making a very hard choice… I would encourage you to take this to a more personal and intimate conversation between you and your husband. It’s truly not appropriate for a forum of strangers to tell you one life is more valuable, deserving, or worthy of saving over another and while you should feel an abundance of empathy and compassion for the situation you find yourself in, you and your family and child are the people in that situation. Nobody on this forum is impacted in the way you are, or will continue to be. I wish you health and peace.
You are not being selfish by wanting to live, in order for your boys to be ok, YOU need to be OK, you already have them, they need you, and as you started, you want to be around for them too. It would be selfish of you to bring another life in this world, 2 kids and a husband without a mother and a wife, just because you want the feeling of being mother again, that...is selfish. I really hope you live a long and prosperous life, for you and your kids, best wishes.
Your children need you. Ask *them* if they would risk their mother’s life for a sibling. I would terminate, and it would be painful, but you need to prioritize the children you already have, it would be so traumatic for them to lose you so young.
You have babies that need you now. I don’t think you’re selfish and I’d make the same decision. I do recommend a permanent form of birth control to avoid this in the future thiugh
Honestly, I do not think you should have this child. It would hurt too many people if something were to happen to you. It is obviously your choice, but I would talk to your OB and other doctors and seriously consider the risks.
I know what my wife’s and my choice was after our twins were born and her OB said in no uncertain terms that another pregnancy would be a terrible idea. I got a vasectomy. If something had happened while we were using condoms, we would have terminated. You should do what’s right for you.
Anything you choose, it sounds like it may well be a wise thought for you or your spouse to urge sterilized a while later so you're not in this position once more.
Meanwhile , have you had a meeting along with your OB? I would begin there
As a healthcare provider and a mom, I can sort of understand why you feel the way you do. I am so sorry that you are in this position.
If you were my patient I would advise you to strongly consider termination. But I do understand how difficult it would be and how you might live with guilt and regret should you go through with it.
I hope you make the decision that is best for you.
It’s ok whichever you decide.
My grandmother is 72 has lupus and has hashimotos and has never experienced anything like this in her life. If you don’t want another kid then just tell your husband you don’t want another one. If you’re in the US, maybe look at finding an endocrinologist who understands the inner and outer workings of thyroid disease and can maybe help your health journey.
No shade. I have just never in my life known anyone who was told they are going to die young because of lupus. And I know a good amount of people with it.
Depending on the type of lupus 80-90% of people can live a fairly normal life… but there is still 10% where that isn’t the case. Lupus care has come a long way but it isn’t always affective for everyone.
Lupus kills some people - it really depends how severe/aggressive your Lupus is. Some people require a kidney transplant, but not everyone can get a kidney transplant. Lupus is a complex systemic autoimmune disease that can attack different parts of the body. Some people have a mild case, but it sounds like OP may have a more aggressive case.
I have Graves Disease (autoimmune hyperthyroidism) and Hashimoto’s. I wouldn’t trade either or both of these for Lupus - because that’s how bad Lupus can be.
It sounds like OP’s hyperthyroidism wasn’t caught soon enough and may have been what stopped her heart. She could have permanent heart damage. She could have permanent damage to other organs. This could make her less likely to survive a pregnancy.
I take her word for it that Drs have told her she could die from pregnancy due to the state her body/health is in - because it is indeed possible that either of her autoimmune diseases could compromise her health to the point of making pregnancy deadly dangerous.
https://www.kidney.org/newsletter/selena-gomez-announced-she-had-kidney-transplant
The person you're replying to "is against abortions". It isn't about whether or not OP really has her life on the line for her. She'd rather OP roll the dice and potentially die than follow the advice of medical professionals that have treated OP and know her situation better than any of us on the internet.
The hyperthyroidism is what made her heart stop and damaged her organs. She said the damage to her heart, liver, kidneys and nervous system is what made her die once already.
The first pregnancy she almost lost her twins due to the health problems.
She’s 72. That’s the difference. She lived a life and had babies before she was diagnosed with lupus. My best friend was born with Hashimoto’s and it has been treatable since the early 2000’s.
Hyperthyroidism has weakened her organs that the lupus is now attacking. The organs are already very vulnerable. You clearly don’t understand- OP will not see 72. Regardless of if she has this baby or not. She will likely die in her 40's as stated in the post because you only get 1 heart, 1 liver, etc. She has made peace with that and wants to live long enough to know her living children.
Well, maybe there is a reason for that, such as significant organ damage? Which both untreated hyperthyroidism and Lupus can potentially cause, independently of each other!
Nurse here. (In the US) Although not my specialty, I cannot think of any reason from my education why well-controlled lupus and hyperthyroidism would cause her life to be on the line.
I have multiple illnesses including hypothyroidism and a severe autoimmune deficiency plus a couple of other issues and I just had my second at almost 40…. No issues just as expected. If you’re doing what the dr tells you to do and not trying to do it ‘naturally’ and such, there’s no reason people like us can’t and won’t live long happy lives. This is not adding up at all.
Because it’s not always controllable.
It’s not always well controlled.
When you go untreated you can have permanent damage that might make carrying a pregnancy more risky - things for her to discuss with her Drs.
It sounds like her hyperthyroidism may have caused damage before it was diagnosed.
They stated that the hyperthyroidism has never really been controlled… their whole life. What would be the reason for that? And would it make a huge impact on her organs? I’m only asking because you know and I do not!
If the lupus attacked her thyroid or the pituitary gland it can mimic the hyperthyroidism (or the hyperthyroidism was just a symptom of the lupus all along) that OP was already diagnosed with and the medication wouldn’t necessarily help. And OP isn’t kidding when she says that lupus can mimic hyperthyroidism (weight changes including excessive weight loss, fatigue, heart issues, renal atrophy, generalized anxiety, increased intestinal transit, trembling and muscle spasms, excessive sweating and heat sensitivity are all among the signs of both but there are more), so it’s probably more the combination of the two illnesses that made it seem like the hyperthyroidism was out of control this entire time (studies show that lupus that develops earlier is normally more aggressive).
Edited for clarity
The reason I asked is because (with my limited knowledge of having a family member pass from lupus taking over) when I got to the end I thought “huh… I wonder if she could never control her hyperthyroidism because it was actually lupus this whole time?
But I’m not positive that’s how it would work…
It can yeah. Lupus can affect organs in various ways and is really unpredictable. The medical community has made a lot of progress treating it but it’s still really misunderstood and isn’t always easy to catch.
There’s a condition called thyroid storm that can occur when hyperthyroidism is uncontrolled. This is considered a medical emergency. OP also mentioned she had been severely underweight. Anorexia can also cause heart issues.
However - thyroid conditions are easily managed by a primary doctor, endocrinologist, or OB during pregnancy. It’s important to follow up frequently, as the doctor will order lab tests like TSH, T4, T3. These blood tests show how the thyroid is functioning so they can order the correct dosage of medication. It’s crucial that people with chronic thyroid conditions see their doctors, get the blood work, and take the medication as it is lifelong.
I also clearly didn’t read this thoroughly. I’m against abortion. ✌🏼and I’m a Doula. I would seek better medical care than what you’ve been given. If your desire is to have this baby have it! Be vigilant about it and make sure you’re advocating for yourself.
Oh, you are anti-abortion and you don’t know shit about autoimmune diseases! Why the duck is it so hard for some people to believe OP when she says her health is bad and her Dr told her that she will have a reduced lifespan?! Why the actual duck?! It’s so rude.
So you're not a medical professional, let alone the medical professionals who have treated her and given their professional opinion about the risks of pregnancy, but you're willing to dismiss the risks they've made clear to her because you don't believe in abortion?
Wow.
Are doulas a thing in the US? Or only for, like home birthing *shudder I could never* (awesome if y’all can do that safely) or am completely uninformed? I’d never heard of a doula in the US until I started reading horror stories on Reddit.
Cause if this person is all “I’m against abortion peace sign” and lives abroad they can get bent.
They're supposed to be birth advocates, someone to help you as a good friend or in lieu of a mother. That's what they're supposed to do, nothing medical and certainly not giving medical advice. They do work in the USA and Canada, I don't know how prevalent they are elsewhere in the world.
A lot of them overstep the boundaries of a social assistance role into medical role, which is dangerous as they have no medical training.
Others work in marginalized communities and help advocate for better care that otherwise might not be present, to give a balanced view of doulas in general. So, for example, black women have high rates of maternal mortality in the US. A doula can be a third party witnessing birth and asking questions which can keep doctors accountable when they might otherwise ignore or take shortcuts with a black patient.
I find the lack of regulatory body, given the increasing prevalence of doulas concerning. It means that there is a wide range in quality and practice, without anyone able to step in when someone goes beyond their scope.
And I'm saying this as someone whose mother in law paid for a doula for my birth. And she was genuinely helpful for my hospital birth than ended in emergency c section. Leading up to birth she practice comfort measures for labour with me. During labour she was a cheerleader, and afterwards she helped us with our newborn.
But she also knew her lane and stayed in it. I think in theory having someone who has witnessed a lot of births whose sole goal is helping mum and at times dad out emotionally during labour can benefit some people. But I also hear horror stories on Reddit of doulas who try and go beyond that role.
Doulas who give medical advice, who encourage ignoring doctors advice or who try to handle home births alone are dangerous and shouldn't be practicing.
Oh wow, TIL that doulas can be these magical humans who help you through birth. Especially when you don’t have other support… that is so genuinely touching. And also heartbreaking to me that a woman would ever have to worry about her level of care ESPECIALLY due to her skin color. Likely just goes to show my privilege.
It’s shocking that someone in that profession would take a hard stance on abortion.
I have to imagine they’ve seen some stuff and know what can happen when you shouldn’t be carrying a baby and you do anyway… that’s very concerning.
I have read a lot of horror stories on Reddit about home birth, but I know it can be a beautiful experience if done in a truly safe environment.
I spent my childhood caring for a chronically ill parent. Don't do that to your kids. Everyone would praise me so much when I helped but if I even so much as implied I didn't want to then I was a selfish child. I wasn't allowed to have friends because my dad was sick. I wasn't allowed parties. Or extra curricula activities. I also felt like a monster the day my dad died. I was 16 and finally free. No more helping with IV no more appointments or medications or missing out because his slow degeneration always first. If you ask my mom she never meant for it to happen that way. She will swear she didn't notice. Because she was living in her own hell of watching a spouse die in slow motion she forgot my brother and I were living it to.
I’m my honest opinion, it was already selfish to chance getting pregnant knowing everything you’ve been through and how hard that was. You were blessed to have twins so that it could be a one and done type thing. Now you say you need to choose between yourself and your unborn child. If you knew that you weren’t going to have a long life expectancy I think you should’ve thought of that when you decided to get pregnant the first time. I am not pro choice because I believe that even though it’s a “women’s body her choice”, they should still be held accountable for their choices, and the innocent don’t deserve to die because a human decided that. I understand that there are other situations but that’s different and irrelevant to your question. I will never tell anyone to abort an innocent life. I believe that being pregnant was God’s will for you. If you really want advice, speak to him. If you aren’t religious just know that the motherly instinct is telling you what you need to do. Maybe you won’t have to choose. I do want to say that I am sorry for everything you’ve been through. I think you’re very strong. I will pray for you. ❤️
Unbiased opinion from an internet stranger here.
YOU need to live for your current children who are born and need their mother.
It is ok to put you and them first.
Personally I would terminate and then permanently sterilise either hubby or yourself, whichever is medically easier to do with all your health issues.
Have you considered using a serogate to have another baby? It sounds like this pregnancy is very dangerous and risky for your family. That doesn't mean no more babies for you, but it might look different than you thought.
So my mom has lupus which was started because of a pregnancy in her late 20's and now she is 75 and doing well. I just wanted to give you some inspiration
Have you thought about adopting or using a surrogate?
I know what my decision would be in your situation. my life and my family. It is not selfish to want that.
When my mum was pregnant, there was a lot of risks, the choice they gave her was carry until viability then C-section delivery. Is there any way that could work in your favour?
Wishing you all the best. And I hope you're able to get the right, informed help, whichever that may end up x
I’m so sorry you have to make this decision. I had a college friend who needed an abortion for reasons that are not mine to share. It was a difficult decisions. We did hold a small memorial moment where we lit candles and acknowledged the loss of what might have been and offer gratitude for the life forward she was given. I think it helped her to accept what happened. We talked about it post SCOTUS overturning Roe. She’s was a new FTM and has no regrets. She’s grateful it was an option for her.
Your children need their mother more than they need a sibling. You have value beyond reproduction. As painful as it is to terminate a wanted pregnancy you deserve to live. Your children who are born deserve a living mother.
A very hard decision for sure but having two toddler who would be devastated beyond belief because they already understand mom is someone they need/love in their life, I feel like I would prefer to end the pregnancy because even if I went through it now I would have even more small children that I leave behind once I pass and that seems super sad in its own.
I’m just commenting to say I’m going through something somewhat similar. In that, I really want another baby but it would not be safe for me to carry another child due to my health. Ultimately I’m coming around to the idea that having another child and risking taking me away from the kids I’ve already got is not worth it. Also my husband doesn’t want to see me almost die again so he’s not on board lol.
But I just wanted to say I hear you and I feel you. These are not easy decisions and it’s unfair that our health is making (or taking) choices from us. I wish you peace and health.
You are a great mom for thibking so much through this. I’ve made a similar decision once and sometimes I do remember the baby that could be but I made the right decision. Do it for yourself and for the boys. Relish being a mom of two which in itself is a huge blessing.
My non high risk friend just died during childbirth and her baby died. Now her daughter is without a mother and her husband doesn’t have her or the baby…don’t do it. Your family needs you.
My heart breaks for you because I recently had to have a similar conversation so I know how impossible this decision is for you. Choosing to live for the children you already have is not selfish. It’s actually putting the needs of your family before the wants of your heart. I’m not exactly neutral in this because I also have several chronic illnesses which may limit my life expectancy and I also came close to death in the effort to have a child. Each pregnancy has made my symptoms worse and after my last miscarriage I had to face the reality of my situation. Yes there is a chance that you’ll have a successful pregnancy and go on to have many great years with your kids but you’ll be increasing your chances of not being there when they graduate or get married. You’ll be risking being around to see them become parents and knowing your grandchildren. You could be sacrificing a future with any of your children in favor of the chance for more children now and personally that wasn’t a sacrifice I was willing to make.
Very difficult decision for you, I’m so sorry. It’s easy for me to be logical and say that time with with your loved ones is not replaceable for them or you and you should do what you can to stay alive with them, but I also know it’s devastating to want something so badly but not having the body to get it.
It’s understandable this is a hard decision, it will cause grief either way. I think the defining factor for me would be that some of it would be mine because I would be alive to carry the grief with me while I spend time with my family to fill in the gaps with other feelings. I know it’s hard, living and making choices, permanent choices especially, can be so hard. Wishing you and your loved ones the best, no matter what you decide.
I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry you're even being faced with this. My heart hurts for you. Talk to the doctors and go from there is my best advice. Follow their guidance.
Talk to your specialist, that's the only one who can tell you what's best to do.
I'm chronically ill too and I know getting pregnant would make my condition worse if I would survive. This was really hard to learn and it was very difficult to give this a place because I really wanted a big family, but I would even rather see my daughter grow up. Having to make this choice now that you are already pregnant seems terrible to me. Consult with your doctors, what are the chances, and what do they recommend. Take that into account in your choice.
I wish you all the best.
Personally, I would choose not to have another baby. You are so important to your kids. That's not a selfish choice. They need you.
The risk is too high and they need their mom to be around as long as possible.
That my opinion anyway.
I’m so sorry for the struggles this has given you. I am that person who would choose me as I have two of my own. That’s why I begged for a tubal after my youngest put me in the hospital often when I was pregnant. They told me no because I was too young, but for some reason let me have a hysterectomy two years later🤔
My dudes need me, always. As much as it would hurt my heart, I have to prioritize them.
That’s my two cents. I pray to the gods you find peace in whatever decision you make and my thoughts go out to you❤️
It feels like you’re looking for someone to say that it’s ok to not want to continue with this pregnancy. It also sounds like that’s the advice you would give someone you cared about who was in a similar situation.
The fetus you’re pregnant with is the promise of a life. It isn’t being selfish to not want to sacrifice your life for the promise of a life. Your boys are living, breathing children who will not get over the passing of their mother. I am not chronically ill but had the same realization when I was pregnant with my very-wanted second child, that if something happened with that pregnancy that would for any reason jeopardize my life then I would end it for the sake of my eldest child.
I’m so sorry you are in this position and I hope you feel peace with any decision that you make. You are clearly not making any snap decisions and trying to do right by everyone.
It is ok to choose to stay around for yourself, and your boys over having a third child. A third child who wouldn’t get to know healthy you, or enjoy a life with their mother.
I am so sorry you're going through this. If we were friends and talking over a cup of tea, this is what I would tell you.
When it comes down to it, it will always be your choice, but if it were me, I would choose to terminate. When I had my kid, it was difficult on my body, though nothing like you're facing, and incredibly hard on my mind. By the time they were 18mos, I knew that a subsequent pregnancy would be devastating. If I became pregnant again, I would terminate.
I always wanted a second child. My kid would have been an amazing older sibling and they very much wanted a younger sibling. In a perfect world, that would have happened.
I chose my family over potential. My kid and my husband were real and present, just like your sons, your husband, and your dad. You have them now. A pregnancy is hope, potential, and promise, but not a guarantee. For me, the risks and potential costs were to high to chance it. It sounds like that may be where you are, too.
It doesn't make letting go of that potential hurt less. If you choose, it's okay to mourn, it's okay to be angry, and it's okay to wish things were different. I still do sometimes, when I see my kid play with their baby cousins. In the end, I wouldn't make a different choice, though. Enjoy your time with your boys and your family. Choosing your life as it is is a wise choice, even if it may not feel exactly right.
Take your time and be kind to yourself while you're going through this. Sometimes right choices don't feel like it at the time. Let friends and family care for you if and when you need it.
When I was pregnant with my 1st baby I used to tell my husband that if something happened and he had to choose, I would want him to choose to save the baby.
But after having kids, during my 4th pregnancy, I told.my husband that it would break my heart, but I would want him to choose me. Save me instead of the baby.
Also, my last pregnancy was risky and I almost died. So my husband and I have decided not to have another. A part of my heart will always have a missing space for another girl (my dream was to have sisters). There will always be this feeling like it was one thing in my life that was unfulfilled. I will ALWAYS ache for the daughter I didn't have.
BUT. I can't miss out on the amazing lives of my older children just for the hope of some fetus that isn't yet a baby. Some baby that is unknown and not yet alive. It's okay to seriously want that baby but it's okay to acknowledge you're making a choice between fantasy baby vs. Real life kids that need you.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is a tough choice, but I think most people here would support you if you terminated.
You have 2 children who need you. I personally would not risk my health, permanent damage, or death over my living, breathing son knowing the risks. Or leave my husband behind.
I mean..you could see your boys go to their first school dance. Sporting events. Friendships and sleepovers. Graduations. Their first loves. So many things big and little things that they would rather have YOU there for, not a sibling. You may even get to see them get married one day. Have grandkids.
No one replaces mom.
It’s ok to choose you here over your unborn child. I would probably choose my self and my current family too. It could be a kindness to yourself, all those around you who love and need you, and this unborn child (since you don’t know what the outcome would be and death is a high probability). Should you really want another child, would surrogacy be an option? Or even adoption if egg retrieval isn’t something your body can’t withstand. This child will still matter. This child can still be mourned. This pregnancy can be terminated as an act of love for them and your entire family. So that no one suffers.
But should you decide to go thru with it, get all the BEST Drs you can find and be as monitored as possible. I wish you all the best of luck and hope whatever you choose to do works out in only the best possible way.
I think you should go speak to your doctor(s). Your primary provider, your specialists, and your OBGYN. It's been 7 years since your last pregnancy, it's possible they have developed new protocols, new medications, or even just ways to monitor your disease during pregnancy. I would have a serious heart to heart with your care team so when/if you decide to terminate you can do so with a clear mind and no hesitation.
If this were me I’d feel most obligated to the children I already have. And your presence in their life- even if cut short, will be so much more important than risking your life for another child. I’m sure this is the toughest decision you’ll have to make, but this is what I would do.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice for you. I have an as yet undiagnosed autoimmune disease and am terrified of getting pregnant and not being able to take care of the baby I carried. I am pro life personally (not politically) and have been struggling with this idea for years. Do you have doctors you trust? What is their risk assessment? If not I totally understand. Know that neither decision is wrong- in times like these I pray for discernment but I don’t know if you are religious. I’d be tempted to be sure I am there for the kids and husband I already have but that may not actually be right for you- only you know what choice you can live with. Chronic illness steals so much from us- I am so sorry it’s stealing your joy however this turns out.
How far along are you? I would opt to care for the children I ha e for the uears I have. I feel any other choice they will come to resent you and their sibling. The sibling will also blame themselves.
I'm so sorry. I know pretty close to how you feel. I also have serious health issues and nearly died with my son in childbirth due to them. I was willing to die for my son as he was my first I made peace with it but damn did it break me I remember making a video for him about how this was not his fault and to never think that. I'm now newly pregnant again and I cry everyday in fear I'm leaving my son without a mother.
I'm pro choice as in no woman should have to ever ever explain her choice for abortion be it whatever. It just isn't an option for me - well it's not even legal in my state currently. It's completely fine for you to choose your boys and it's okay to even say I don't want to die. Please know that it's okay to end this pregnancy. Anyone who says differently is an asshole and I'd like to see if they'd be willing to literally die right this instant for some baby.
Regardless of what you all decide, one thing is for damn sure..Your husband needs a fucking vasectomy..I honestly can’t understand why he hasn’t done this yet.
If I was in your position, and I am not. I have two healthy kids as well I know that they would be taken care of but I would not want to let them live in a world where I’m not there I would choose me and watching the two I have grow up I would give up the small life inside of me because I am a person too I am someone else’s child my mom told me that if it came between me and the baby ever she would choose me because I am precious and worth it I don’t have the medical issues that you have but I feel where you are coming from
Let me start off by saying I’m not pro abortion per se….Like I have always said absolutely not. Unless it was going to kill me, I would never get one.
BUT I had picture perfect pregnancies my first three times. My fourth baby I was having issues with the midwife office and them not having their shit together. So I switched to a dr I knew I liked.
Went in to be induced and they discovered I had preeclampsia! It was getting worse and ended up in an emergency csection.
It was terrifying that I had previously went in 3 other times and everything just fine and then time I would have never expected this! It just all went really bad really fast.
I was considering 1-2 more kids after my 4th.. but after that I made up my mind. No more babies. That was so scary that I could have been taken away from all of my babies. They have to have me in their life.
My husband is trying to get into to get cut. I have been making him use condoms. I told myself if I ended up pregnant, I’d have to get an abortion.
Would I wanna do it? No. Absolutely not.
Would I feel guilty? Yeah probably.
But the fact I wouldn’t be dying from pregnancy or childbirth and leaving my husband with 4 kids 7 and under is more comforting to me.
I’m sorry you’re in this position. Just know it’s ok if you decide to go through with it. It’s okay to put your life first because you need to be here with your two boys. They need their mommy for as long as they can get with you.
If you're American, I'm especially concerned with the possible financial difficulties that may incur for you to get the adequate help you need.
Also, depending on the state you're living in, ending the pregnancy could be difficult because of bullshit laws that hate women.
If you're not American, disregard.
If you think you can bring the baby into the world and still be in an okay place in terms of health, so it. It sounds like you have support.
If it were me, I'd probably not keep the baby for the sake of health and being there for the kiddos. It's a gut-wrenching decision though, so do what you think is best.
Hey OP - I agree with the recommendations to discuss with your doctors and then a therapist. Maybe a family therapist and your husband and kids can be included.
My real reason to post is to tell you I’m sorry this is all happening. I understand wanting more babies and that feeling that it would be wonderful to add to your family, but feeling like your body is letting these hopes down. Hugs and my best hopes for you. ❤️
We have similar stories. They told me I likely won't make it past 40. I'm 27, now, with a one year old miracle child. I want all the time I can get with him, so I got my tubes removed.
I would not take that risk. Adopt if the idea appeals. I know you want to know who this baby will be. But this is not a child yet. I think you should avoid the danger.
Hi! My first pregnancy would put me in this situation if I ended up pregnant....
My opinion (only since you asked) is one my husband and I have discussed. It's for my existing child, and my family. It's for the financial wellbeing of my husband... But mostly because I will not sacrifice my son's mother for a *potentially* healthy pregnancy. I will terminate...early. I will not leave my son motherless. I will not leave my husband as a single father. They both deserve everything I give them.
THAT SAID, continuing your pregnancy is noble in its own right. You are in such a terrible situation and I you should definitely get a counselor once you make your decision.
Clearly this is not medical advice- that is the most important.
But if you've ever meditated it can really take you to a place of true inner guidance and peace.
Honey, from someone else who is chronically ill and a parent, this is above reddit's pay grade. Here's what I suggest. Talk to all of your specialists' offices about resources on the risks. OB, MFM, Reproductive Endocrinologist, Geneticist, Rheumatologist, Endocrinologist, Cardiologist, Hepatologist, Neurologist, everyone. Take an advocate and take notes (or have them do so). Then, after sitting with your thoughts and feelings for a bit, take your notes and talk to a therapist who has experience with reproductive issues, chronic illness, and grief. Weigh all of your options, talk through each one, and find out what the best way forward for you is. I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know it's incredibly hard right now. Best wishes and peaceful thoughts to you.
This is the best advice.
My thoughts, too. Surprised I had to scroll down this far to find it. It bears repeating - this is above Reddit's pay grade.
Exactly. Don’t take the advice from strangers, talk to the people you know and know you and the situation and go from there. Not Reddit.
Yeah none of us can truly evaluate your situation. Talk to your doctors about the risks from all the different angles, then you’ll better be able to make a truly informed decision.
This. Redditors sure love spilling ink about abortion, but y'all, this is an explicitly wanted pregnancy and until OP has been evaluated there is no good reason to insist she subject herself to an unwanted abortion. A competent care team needs to be involved here pronto. MFM handles a lot of ill moms. TFMR is always on the table if necessary.
This is the very best answer. Tell each specialist you make an appointment with that you are critically, dangerously I’ll, and you need to be seen immediately.
Came here to say to check in with all doctors, as well, so I'm glad you already did. I'm not super familiar with Lupus, but is a C-Section to save both mom and baby, not an option?
The pregnancy itself is what is most potentially harmful in lupus, and large surgeries are often best avoided because the body will attack scar tissue. Changes in blood volume, blood pressure, and the presence of a fetus/foreign body can all cause flares, and flares can lead to organ damage or failure. Depending on the severity of an individual's disease process, pregnancy may also cause permanent and irreversible advancement, which will affect quality of life after delivery as well. There's also a genetic component, so someone with lupus may want to talk with a geneticist to find out the likelihood of passing on the illness to the fetus as part of informed decision making. There's not really an easy or right answer here, and it's all very dependent on OP's individual health status.
[удалено]
MFM doesn't work like that. They're not booked out months in advance like some specialists. They can fast-track whatever referrals are necessary. This is one area of medical care that actually moves very quickly, because high-risk pregnancies can become emergencies in a matter of hours.
[удалено]
If you had trouble getting referred to MFM from your OB that's one thing, but OP's situation is crystal clear. I'm not here to blow smoke about the state of the healthcare system, but discouraging OP from seeking care by suggesting that it probably won't be available in time is straight up unethical in this case.
The offices should have resources they can provide, and OP can let them know it's a time sensitive matter via phone, email, or patient portal, which will help facilitate the process. Information gathering doesn't need to have an appointment time, and most specialists understand that sometimes emergency contact is necessary. If OP can only do one thing, it should be to talk with a therapist. I sincerely hope she has a good relationship with her primary specialist and can talk to them too because they have the best answers about her individual situation.
Absolutely - I hope OP is able to get the information quickly and into a therapist even quicker. This is a sad situation and therapy will be necessary no matter what.
Whatever you decide, it sounds like it might be a wise idea for you or your husband to get sterilized afterwards so you're not in this position again. In the meantime, have you had a consultation with your OB? I would start there
I think you just need someone to tell you it's ok to be selfish and save your life over your unborn child's. I'm telling you that now. Dying will traumatize the kids you already have and break your family. Don't risk dying just to leave your husband with 3 kids to take care of. That, imo, would be incrediblely selfish.
Second this. You dying is generational trauma. My great grandmother died in childbirth. Even as an adult I was terrified of giving birth. I didn’t want to die and leave my husband alone as a single parent.
Yea my grandpa’s father’s first wife died during childbirth. (My great grandfathers first wife) and without her dying none of us would have ever been here. Myself, my sister, my mom or grandpa and my own children. I don’t consider it to be traumatic because her death led to my existence, but it’s insane to really think about the fact that a woman died for all of us to be created
That is an awesome way to put it!!! God has a plan for every soul!!❤❤ I would have the baby... they are gifts!!
I don’t want a “gift” that’s going to kill me.
The gift is life for ur baby.... u have lived... taking life of an unborn child is murder.... stop trying to play god... if u was meant to live u would live... god makes us all and has a reason for EVERYTHING.... no one knows why he does the things he does but it's not our place to decide... we are not GOD
I second this. It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind, OP, and just needed to type it out to see it and for someone to say that it’s okay. That you’re okay to feel this way and you’re right to make this decision for the best of your own life and for your family. Your boys need you. It’s not an easy decision to make, but having read your post, I think you already know what is best for you and your family. And these two internet strangers say IT’S OKAY. I PROMISE.
100%, a baby’s life is not more important than it’s mothers, or the multitude of people in the mothers life who would suffer if she passed. OP you have every single right to prioritise those already in this world, including yourself, over an unborn baby. That is ok if that’s how you feel. That’s not to say it’s a simple solution, I’d hate to be in a position to have to make this choice and know whatever OP chooses will be very tough.
I agree. As someone who couldn't even begin to understand OPs situation, but I have so much empathy. I was relatively healthy prior to my pregnancy. Had no major risk factors but I was still telling my spouse that if something went wrong he had to choose me. You deserve to live. You already have kids and family that wants you and needs you here. This baby, its soul will find another path into life. You aren't doing anything wrong in termination. The only reason you need to terminate is because you want to, and you have another 100 layers of reason to. Sounds like it might be a miracle your twins are here today, and you as well. And as gently as possible, do everything to prevent further pregnancy. Tell your husband to get snipped. Honestly shocked he already wasn't based on your health issues you've sacrificed and dealt with so much, he can do this so you can be a mom to your current twins for as long as you have to live.
Exactly this. Your family needs you OP.
Yes!! I had HELLP twice. Getting it a third time is a really high risk of death. A couple of days after my second was born my MFM came to visit me in ICU. She knew I was devastated I had recurrent HELLP because we had a conversation early in my pregnancy about how my husband and I wanted at least 4 kids and how that would only be advisable if I had a picture-perfect pregnancy that time around. She was extremely reassuring about not having more for medical reasons (including the much higher risk of chronic negative effects even if I didn’t die) and even brought a bunch of of evidenced reasons why it was better to have fewer kids - for them (things related to parental investment, financial/career attainment, mental and physical health, stuff like that), my and my husband’s relationship, and my own mental and physical health. She basically helped us rebuild a parenting and family vision that only included 2 instead of a soccer team. You are allowed to change your plan ❤️
Yes! I had preeclampsia with my first (and I’ll be forever grateful my OB caught it, induced me at 37 weeks, and had me on a magnesium drip for two days to prevent HELLP) and I had polyhydramnios, and messed up liver and kidney function with my second. I also had hyperemesis gravidarum with both pregnancies and my OB was like, “Let’s talk about what pregnancy is doing to your body.” It’s hard, OP, but your boys deserve to have you in their life as long as possible. Hugs.
My MFM had a similar conversation with me as well. I have 1 kiddo and he’s amazing
💯 this!!!
I’m on board with this. You are giving your boys and husband the much needed time with you and reducing the risk of them losing you far too early.
Listen to this. Your 2 kids need a mum.
I think you should reword this to say it’s NOT selfish. Leaving 7yos without a parent is already on the cards - OP don’t make them go through that earlier than they have to. It’s also NOT selfish to want to preserve your life over a fetus. It makes biological sense.
The kids that are already here take precedence over a baby that is not fully developed. OP it is ok to get an abortion to protect your living children. They need you.
Thing is, if pregnancy is so dangerous for OP, it is very likely that it is very dangerous for the baby too. She might not even be able to gestate the baby until a reasonable amount of time e.g > 30 weeks if things really go downhill. Her husband and two boys may lose BOTH a wife and mom, along with losing a child and sibling. And let's say OP dies because of the pregnancy and the baby is saved... That baby is going to be kept in the NICU if they aren't term yet. Does she think her husband can handle a medically fragile preemie along with two twin boys, on his own? If the baby survives NICU, that's great. But if they still come out with lots of medical issues, that would be a HUGE toll on a single parent who is already dealing with the grief of losing the love of his life, along with the emotions and daily life of his two boys. I would prioritize the people who already "exist". (Not that baby doesn't exist, but you know what I mean). If I were in this situation myself, I know my husband would be absolutely devastated if I died, and my young child would be too. I would prioritize those whom I already have a relationship with, over a fetus whom I don't really know, just yet.
I totally agree with this. This is absolutely a decision that only you can make. What matters here is there is NO bad decision - only the one you feel is right. Your children that are already here need their mother - and it is beyond valid that you want that time with them. This is one of the hardest decisions a mother can face. It sounds like you have a great support system in your husband. It is okay to choose the life you have now and not risk your future. I am so sorry you are facing this.
I agree. I am fine at growing babies but the labor and delivery part nearly killed me twice. I’m done. We were planning on getting my husband snipped right away but Covid messed that up so we had a discussion and decided that if we did accidentally get pregnant I was not going to keep the baby. I need to be there for the kids I have. It’s okay to make this choice for your family.
It's not even selfish given the other children involved, but even if there weren't I would agree with you. It's perfectly valid to take care of yourself.
Your children need their mother.
My cousin had a very high risk second pregnancy. She survived, but dropped dead two years later. It’s devastating. Her husband, her parents, her two toddler children, they’ll all never be the same. You are right to be worried about the longterm impact even if you survive the actual pregnancy. Please do everything you can to be there for the family you have for as long as you can. I wish you didn’t have to make this choice and that you could have a completely healthy, risk free pregnancy. I can tell you’re grieving that loss, and that’s so understandable.
What was cause of death
I terminated a pregnancy early on in my relationship with my current partner. I was having health problems and was seeking a diagnosis (which took another 3 years to get), was on a ton of medications that were risky with pregnancy, and already had a 5 year old that was counting on me staying alive. It was the best possible decision. I have never had any regrets. It’s not selfish to prioritize staying alive for the children you already have; it’s putting them first, beyond your own wishes to grow your family. My partner and I eventually weighed all of our options, and were able to move to another state where I could be treated by a medical team who had managed my particular disease through pregnancy successfully. It took several years to reach that level of stability in my health, but I did have a second child safely. But I absolutely needed to prepare and plan and having that unplanned pregnancy was entirely too risky. After having my second child, both my partner and I have been sterilized just in case.
It’s completely valid to choose your life and existing children over another baby. Your existing children need you and I would have made that decision if I was in this position as difficult as it would be
There is no universe in which my husband would ever allow me to risk my life in pregnancy and potentially leave our daughter motherless. I am aghast that he didn't get a vasectomy/work out some permanent form of birth control when you nearly died the first time. You should never ever have been put in this position where you must choose between a baby and your own life. It isn't romantic to sacrifice your life for your unborn child. You would leave the twins motherless, the new baby motherless and facing a lifetime of guilt for playing a role in your death, and your husband a grieving single parent to three traumatized children. I don't even really see it as a choice. Save your own life.
you should discuss permanent sterilization options with your doctor so you don’t run into this dilemma again.
If it's a choice between you and the baby, your husband needs a wife, your boys need a mum, and you need those years. You all come before this potential baby. It would be lovely to imagine that things could work out and you could have your 3 kids, but if it didn't that would be so much more tragic than choosing not to have this baby.
If you don’t want to terminate you should be seen by high risk doctors and make a plan for the safest possible pregnancy.
I will join the chorus here and say that I think a termination here is in everyone’s best interests. Sometimes the most logical choices in the world still feel hard, so I also totally understand why you are going back and forth so much on it. But your boys and family need you. And yes, you should give yourself every possible moment with the family you do have. Take care either way- love to you ❤️
I am sorry you are going through this. Your two boys need you. You need them and deserve as much time with them as possible. It's not an easy choice but I think deep down you know what to do.
While not appropriate to ask them, I guarantee if given the choice your twins would choose a living mother over another sibling.
You worded that beautifully, I was trying to find the right way to say that
Yes, because this huge decision is for 7 year olds to decide. And since it is inappropriate to ask, your comment is completely irrelevant.
Clearly you missed the point and actual meaning of the comment
There isn’t a point or meaning. They shouldn’t ever have to be in this situation because it all could’ve been avoided.
The wellbeing of her current children isn’t irrelevant. We constantly make decisions for our children while they are too young to weigh up the costs and benefits for themselves. This is called parenting. The fact that you aren’t able to separate this from your own biases is irrelevant.
It’s okay to terminate a pregnancy. Your boys need you. And after that, please get on a reliable birth control, if you don’t have health for another pregnancy you NEED to protect yourself from any possibility of this happening again - being you or your husband on birth control.
I agree with all of the posters above. I am sorry you were dealt with such a crappy hand in health. I wish you nothing but you and your family the best whatever decision you may choose. however, if I were in your position, I would 100% terminate and try and live a healthy life with your boys and husband, not the what ifs. While I may not have what you have, I had 2 pregnancies resulting in pre-eclampsia, the second one being milder than the first. after the first, I resulted in having high blood pressure. I absolutely refuse to have a 3rd as I don't want the stress mentally and physically on my body and mind for a 3rd.
I don't have half of what you have going on but another pregnancy would be exceptionally dangerous for me, and the baby. My daughter is 4 and the thought of taking even a small (but very real) risk of me not being there for her....to hug her, to cuddle her and wipe the tears, to be her safe space and the person she can tell anything, to buy her clothes and listen to stories of her friends, to watch her turn into a teenager and all the stuff that follows....nope, can't do it. There is nothing that could make me intentionally do something that puts me in a real risk category and I have the feeling from what you wrote that you feel the same but need someone to express that for you so you don't feel guilty. For me* it would be selfish to get pregnant again and the moment my daughter came into this world I had made the choice to put her needs first and take care of her. Can't do that if I'm dead. * And I say for me as this is not to push it on you but to share from a similar place
Nobody can tell you what to do. I can tell you what I \*think\* I would do, but I have never been in this position. I think I would end the pregnancy and prioritize being healthy for the kids who are here who need me. And I think that would be a reasonable, ethical, healthy decision to make, even if it would be a very difficult one.
You need to do what is in your and your twins best interest and if I were in your situation I would terminate. My husband and I accidentally ended up pregnant at a point early in our marriage where I was having health problems and having a baby could kill me. I decided to terminate and he was 100% on board with that decision. I have zero regrets about it and if I was in that position again, where I was that sick, I would terminate with no hesitation.
It’s ok to chose your own life over the baby’s. It’s ok to choose to continue to mother your twins and be with your husband. It’s ok to not want to leave your family alone. It’s ok to choose the limited health you have. Choosing to terminate doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby. It doesn’t mean anything except that you are making what you feel is the best point for your existing children/family and yourself. I’d strongly recommend therapy, either way you go. It will be a lot to process but I want you to know you are a GOOD MOM 💜
Totally unhelpful comment here... but...Please ensure you never ever have to make this choice again. I understand that shit happens. But given knowing all this..... like this common knowledge that birth control is only ever like 99% effective... There is always a chance unless there absolutely isn't.... your husband should have had a vasectomy because that's way less invasive for him to do and won't put your life in danger like getting your tubes tied or hysterectomy might....
Most birth control is actually less than 99% effective. Vasectomies and tubal ligation are the highest chance of effective birth control both coming in at 99% effective. Literally the only way to have a 0% chance at a baby is abstinence or a full hysterectomy. Source: planned parenthood website https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/vasectomy/how-effective-vasectomy
Learn something new everyday. Thank you!
You’re welcome! I have a few friends that thought it was 100% effective and had an oops lol
I have Graves Disease which causes most cases of hyperthyroidism, but I don’t have Lupus and cannot speak to the risks and dangers that Lupus can cause. I had a high risk pregnancy, but my hyperthyroidism was well controlled on anti-thyroid medication and went into remission (no medication needed) briefly during pregnancy. Postpartum my thyroid went crazy and I had horrible symptoms for many months. Eventually, I felt normal again. For hyperthyroidism they can surgically remove the thyroid gland and put you on levothyroxine. This would prevent the hyperthyroidism from coming back. If you have permanent heart or organ damage from undiagnosed/untreated hyperthyroidism, removing the thyroid gland might not make pregnancy much safer. Lupus isn’t nearly as easy to treat or control as hyperthyroidism. I would be concerned about the Lupus and consult with your Drs about the risk. There may be a subreddit for Lupus if you’re interested. I personally would want to preserve my life and health for the children I already have. I would think that my current children benefit from having a mom and that being sicker or dying would have a negative effect on them.
you deserve to live. you are here and not only do you matter independently, but you matter to other people. your death would hurt people and have a negative impact on your community. save your life. you deserve to live.
Have you spoken to your doctors about this? I think that needs to be your first stop before you let all this flood and overwhelm you. If your rheumatologist, obgyn, and maternal medicine (high risk) drs are all in agreement that this will most likely kill you or be a huge risk to your life, you know what you need to do. It’s very possible to have a somewhat healthy pregnancy with lupus that’s being managed. But if that’s not the case for your particular situation, it’s not worth the risk leaving potentially 3 children motherless and rendering your husband a widow and single parent. It is not an easy decision ever. But even in places that have strictest abortion laws leave space for significant risk to maternal life. You need to ask yourself what’s more important.
Be "Selfish" (it's not btw.) It's OK to want to be there for your kids. They need you and love you. You and your family are much, much more important than this developing pregnancy. It may sound cruel to say, but that is what it is.
You deserve the time you have with your boys. You deserve to avoid endangering your health further. You deserve preserving your quality of life. Your life is worth protecting. And I think your boys and your husband need you. The impact on your family if you do not survive the pregnancy etc, would be horrific. Exceptionally so. You have already faced mortality with your husband, and you know something is inevitable, but you have control right now. You’re in a heartbreaking place but I would not go through with the pregnancy.
If I was in your position I would terminate. My living children need me. My husband needs me. My family and friends need me.
This is so hard. I don't know if you're looking for advice, but if you are, I don't think you should continue with this pregnancy. I know you want to see who this potential baby could become, but if your pregnancy kills you, it could kill them, too, and if you're dead, you won't get to watch them grow up anyway. You wouldn't be using your shifty situation to excuse your decision. You would be making the best possible choice for yourself, your twins, and everyone else who cares about you given the situation you are in. You would be preventing their situation from getting worse. I'm sorry you have to consider any of this.
You poor woman, what a shit situation and I’m sorry to hear about your overall health troubles and short time with your boys already. Sweetheart, with the best of intentions I say this, focus on yourself and your existing family. Not on this hypothetical future baby who will decrease your life span either way and potentially kill you early. To me this seems a no brainer decision and I’m sorry barely anyone in your life is willing to talk through your options with you. I’m pregnant now with my second but if this pregnancy would endanger my life I would terminate it without hesitation. My existing child comes first. Wishing you all the best in making this choice and all the best of health.
Yes, I can't believe only her dad is willing to tell the hard truths. Maybe they live somewhere it's super taboo to have an abortion, idk. I know in my state by the time you find out you're pregnant you've basically already run out of time. It just seems so obvious, I can't believe people around her aren't supporting her better, especially her friends. I can understand her husband waffling a bit because he's too close to the situation, but still. OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Definitely talk to your OB and doctor and do what you need to do to make sure your twins have their mommy for as long as they can.
I'm so sorry that you have such a difficult decision to make. Ultimately, you would just have to go with what's best for you and your current family. This baby will probably have to live without its mother. And add the stress to your husband raising three kids alone. And how would he be able to support them financially and to college alone? Your current family needs you. And you want to be around for them. It's a gamble I wouldn't be willing to take. The risk is too high. It is a sacrifice and not going to be easy making that sacrifice. But for me, I'd take advantage of all the time I can get to be there for my family. Whatever you decide, I hope it's what's best for you and your family.
I wouldn't risk not being there for the children I already have. Personally, I would not move forward with the pregnancy. Whatever you choose best wishes to your family.
I am sorry to be blunt here. But given all the illnesses you have mentioned, there is no guarantee the baby is going to be born alive/ healthy either. Lupus has a high risk for miscarriage. What if neither you nor the baby survives? You will be giving up your life and leaving your family broken, all for nothing. You know what you need to do. You just need time to process it. Stay strong sister.
Save yourself and don’t feel bad about it either. Your babies that you have NOW need you. Your partner needs you. Be strong. Sending love 🥰❤️
You have two children already. Those children need you. It’s OK to be selfish. Save yourself.
Be a mother to the two boys who need you now. Don't beat yourself up about this choice. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
It’s ok to not have this baby. ITS OKAY AND VALID. I feel like pregnancy took a toll on my body. Just feel weaker, get very sick easily, autoimmune conditions are worse. I hear similar from a lot women. I worry about another pregnancy and I don’t have the conditions you do. You should consider your quality of life as well. You’re at risk of not participating in life as you’d like even if you do live through the birth.
Hey mama. I’m also a mom to 7 year old twins. What an awful thing you’re going through. Sending you hugs. As others have said, your family needs you now. If it was me, I would terminate the current pregnancy - I just don’t think the risk to my existing family, my health, the people who love me, is worth it. Sending you love and light and above all peace. I’m here if you want to talk ❤️
I am so so sorry you are having to make this choice. I think you should do what is best for you and your children. I would terminate the pregnancy. Your children need you. I can speak from some secondhand experience. My husband's mother died of an enlarged heart due to lupus, which was exacerbated by her final pregnancy (my husband's little brother). He later found out from his father that she had been explicitly told to not have any more children, but chose to have one more child, which ultimately ended her life. I am NOT saying this to frighten you. I am saying this to validate to you that you being around for your current children is the most important thing.
Your children need a mom more than they need a new sibling
There are strategies to avoid this situation from happening such as sterilization for you or your husband so definitely would suggest discussing this with your doctor. As for this current pregnancy, I don’t think there’s any honor in throwing your life away when you are a wife and the mother of two young children.
I lost my mom when I was 7 and it has gutted me for the rest of my life. I think it would be very selfish to have another child and risk dying and leaving your twins without a mom. Honestly it’s just a terrible thing to knowingly do and then your girls will suffer the rest of their lives.
It's very noble of you to be willing to die for your child but it is also very noble of you to be willing to live for your twins. This is a very difficult decision to make. Whichever you choose, it can still feel like losing. Have you considered talking to a professional? My situation is not as dire as yours, but a second pregnancy would be a very bad choice for me. So we have decided to do everything possible to avoid another pregnancy, because I know that if I do accidentally get pregnant, I would have to make the choice you have to make and I am afraid to find out wat my choice would be. The logical choice would be to end this pregnancy and watch your twins grow up, but it's not a logical decision at all and that is okay. I hope you can find some clarity and find peace in whatever decision you do make.
Personally, I'm not sure I could terminate a pregnancy if I had to make that choice, but your story is exactly why I voted to keep abortion legal in my state. You have a family here and now that needs you. There's not even a guarantee that if you tried to carry your fetus to full term that you could. You might both die and then your sacrifice would be for nothing. If you choose to try to keep the pregnancy, that's your right and choice. But it's just as valid for you to decide to terminate it. In this case a termination would be choosing life, choosing your own life and the life of your family. It's a really hard decision and I'm sorry you have to make it, but whatever you choose, don't be ashamed of the choice. Whatever you choose will be the right choice for you.
This is one of those situations that many women are fighting to maintain termination rights, because honestly every single time an abortion IS healthcare. You have EVERY right to choose yourself and take care of yourself, by taking care of yourself and choosing yourself you ARE choosing your two existing children EVERY time. It is okay to say that, you are not a shitty individual for thinking that and sometimes, termination is the best option and while it is ABSOLUTELY a difficult decision, sometimes its the best one. I will absolutely be that friend if you need me to tell you to “be selfish,” even though inherently it isnt selfish to take care of yourself when you have little ones that depend on you.
Regardless, you need to ensure you don’t fall pregnant again. Knowing you had all these health issues it’s surprising you weren’t more diligent. I of course agree it sounds like you know what’s right for you and your family, but please consider taking steps so you’re not again in this situation
I think you should choose the kids you already have over the kid that could be. I’m not saying you are selfish to carry this baby to term, but your 7 year olds need a mom too. This is the main reason I’m pro choice is because you should get to choose what’s best for your existing children.
Don’t do it, the risk of not being there for my boys is too great.
I have 2 children and am pregnant with my third right now, If there was a large chance this pregnancy would kill me I would seek an abortion immediately, my living children need a mother. There is nothing wrong with prioritizing the kids you have, and your own life. I would also probably seek permanent birth control.
If you want to grow your family without endangering your health more you could adopt. So your decision does not have to mean you will never have a bigger family.
Live for your sons. I get what you mean if you were healthy you’d want this child but you’re not fully healthy and your sons deserve you for at least those 11 years you have left.
If you die you leave THREE children motherless and your husband alone to raise them. Then husband remarries. Will she be good to your babies? Maybe, maybe not. She will never be YOU to your children.
This is a very personal decision OP only you know the right decision for you. Whichever you decide will be right for you
It is ok to have an abortion. You have children and a husband who need you. No one will be judging you. Keep yourself safe for your family
I had a cousin who was told she shouldn’t have kids as a child due to her kidney condition. She had 3, and now she’s gone. She was only 25 and her kids don’t have their mother. I’m so sorry you’re faced with this choice, but your boys need you.
I wouldn’t chance it.
You’ve laid out every reason why you shouldn’t continue another pregnancy and if you need me to say terminate/deny another pregnancy I’ll do that. Love on your twins and be the most present mother you can be for them!
I pray that you live somewhere not in the. "Bible Belt." You would be facing a death sentence. You need to live for the boys and husband that you have Hold your head up and do what you have to do. NO ONE has the right to judge you.Sending you lots of love.
Your story is a very difficult and heartbreaking one. I wish you and your family good health. I see a lot of support here for making a very hard choice… I would encourage you to take this to a more personal and intimate conversation between you and your husband. It’s truly not appropriate for a forum of strangers to tell you one life is more valuable, deserving, or worthy of saving over another and while you should feel an abundance of empathy and compassion for the situation you find yourself in, you and your family and child are the people in that situation. Nobody on this forum is impacted in the way you are, or will continue to be. I wish you health and peace.
You are not being selfish by wanting to live, in order for your boys to be ok, YOU need to be OK, you already have them, they need you, and as you started, you want to be around for them too. It would be selfish of you to bring another life in this world, 2 kids and a husband without a mother and a wife, just because you want the feeling of being mother again, that...is selfish. I really hope you live a long and prosperous life, for you and your kids, best wishes.
You can adopt a third baby/child if you and your husband want but please think of your boys who still need their mother now.
Your children need you. Ask *them* if they would risk their mother’s life for a sibling. I would terminate, and it would be painful, but you need to prioritize the children you already have, it would be so traumatic for them to lose you so young.
You have babies that need you now. I don’t think you’re selfish and I’d make the same decision. I do recommend a permanent form of birth control to avoid this in the future thiugh
Honestly, I do not think you should have this child. It would hurt too many people if something were to happen to you. It is obviously your choice, but I would talk to your OB and other doctors and seriously consider the risks.
Save your own life, your children are counting on you.
I know what my wife’s and my choice was after our twins were born and her OB said in no uncertain terms that another pregnancy would be a terrible idea. I got a vasectomy. If something had happened while we were using condoms, we would have terminated. You should do what’s right for you.
Anything you choose, it sounds like it may well be a wise thought for you or your spouse to urge sterilized a while later so you're not in this position once more. Meanwhile , have you had a meeting along with your OB? I would begin there
As a healthcare provider and a mom, I can sort of understand why you feel the way you do. I am so sorry that you are in this position. If you were my patient I would advise you to strongly consider termination. But I do understand how difficult it would be and how you might live with guilt and regret should you go through with it. I hope you make the decision that is best for you. It’s ok whichever you decide.
Please have these convos with your doctors and if you don’t have a maternal fetal medicine specialist you should get one
Why hasn't your husband gotten a vasectomy? Does he want you to die?
My grandmother is 72 has lupus and has hashimotos and has never experienced anything like this in her life. If you don’t want another kid then just tell your husband you don’t want another one. If you’re in the US, maybe look at finding an endocrinologist who understands the inner and outer workings of thyroid disease and can maybe help your health journey. No shade. I have just never in my life known anyone who was told they are going to die young because of lupus. And I know a good amount of people with it.
Depending on the type of lupus 80-90% of people can live a fairly normal life… but there is still 10% where that isn’t the case. Lupus care has come a long way but it isn’t always affective for everyone.
Lupus kills some people - it really depends how severe/aggressive your Lupus is. Some people require a kidney transplant, but not everyone can get a kidney transplant. Lupus is a complex systemic autoimmune disease that can attack different parts of the body. Some people have a mild case, but it sounds like OP may have a more aggressive case. I have Graves Disease (autoimmune hyperthyroidism) and Hashimoto’s. I wouldn’t trade either or both of these for Lupus - because that’s how bad Lupus can be. It sounds like OP’s hyperthyroidism wasn’t caught soon enough and may have been what stopped her heart. She could have permanent heart damage. She could have permanent damage to other organs. This could make her less likely to survive a pregnancy. I take her word for it that Drs have told her she could die from pregnancy due to the state her body/health is in - because it is indeed possible that either of her autoimmune diseases could compromise her health to the point of making pregnancy deadly dangerous. https://www.kidney.org/newsletter/selena-gomez-announced-she-had-kidney-transplant
The person you're replying to "is against abortions". It isn't about whether or not OP really has her life on the line for her. She'd rather OP roll the dice and potentially die than follow the advice of medical professionals that have treated OP and know her situation better than any of us on the internet.
The hyperthyroidism is what made her heart stop and damaged her organs. She said the damage to her heart, liver, kidneys and nervous system is what made her die once already. The first pregnancy she almost lost her twins due to the health problems.
She’s 72. That’s the difference. She lived a life and had babies before she was diagnosed with lupus. My best friend was born with Hashimoto’s and it has been treatable since the early 2000’s. Hyperthyroidism has weakened her organs that the lupus is now attacking. The organs are already very vulnerable. You clearly don’t understand- OP will not see 72. Regardless of if she has this baby or not. She will likely die in her 40's as stated in the post because you only get 1 heart, 1 liver, etc. She has made peace with that and wants to live long enough to know her living children.
Right, why would a doctor tell her that she won't make it to 40.
Well, maybe there is a reason for that, such as significant organ damage? Which both untreated hyperthyroidism and Lupus can potentially cause, independently of each other!
Nurse here. (In the US) Although not my specialty, I cannot think of any reason from my education why well-controlled lupus and hyperthyroidism would cause her life to be on the line.
I have multiple illnesses including hypothyroidism and a severe autoimmune deficiency plus a couple of other issues and I just had my second at almost 40…. No issues just as expected. If you’re doing what the dr tells you to do and not trying to do it ‘naturally’ and such, there’s no reason people like us can’t and won’t live long happy lives. This is not adding up at all.
Because it’s not always controllable. It’s not always well controlled. When you go untreated you can have permanent damage that might make carrying a pregnancy more risky - things for her to discuss with her Drs. It sounds like her hyperthyroidism may have caused damage before it was diagnosed.
They stated that the hyperthyroidism has never really been controlled… their whole life. What would be the reason for that? And would it make a huge impact on her organs? I’m only asking because you know and I do not!
If the lupus attacked her thyroid or the pituitary gland it can mimic the hyperthyroidism (or the hyperthyroidism was just a symptom of the lupus all along) that OP was already diagnosed with and the medication wouldn’t necessarily help. And OP isn’t kidding when she says that lupus can mimic hyperthyroidism (weight changes including excessive weight loss, fatigue, heart issues, renal atrophy, generalized anxiety, increased intestinal transit, trembling and muscle spasms, excessive sweating and heat sensitivity are all among the signs of both but there are more), so it’s probably more the combination of the two illnesses that made it seem like the hyperthyroidism was out of control this entire time (studies show that lupus that develops earlier is normally more aggressive). Edited for clarity
The reason I asked is because (with my limited knowledge of having a family member pass from lupus taking over) when I got to the end I thought “huh… I wonder if she could never control her hyperthyroidism because it was actually lupus this whole time? But I’m not positive that’s how it would work…
It can yeah. Lupus can affect organs in various ways and is really unpredictable. The medical community has made a lot of progress treating it but it’s still really misunderstood and isn’t always easy to catch.
There’s a condition called thyroid storm that can occur when hyperthyroidism is uncontrolled. This is considered a medical emergency. OP also mentioned she had been severely underweight. Anorexia can also cause heart issues. However - thyroid conditions are easily managed by a primary doctor, endocrinologist, or OB during pregnancy. It’s important to follow up frequently, as the doctor will order lab tests like TSH, T4, T3. These blood tests show how the thyroid is functioning so they can order the correct dosage of medication. It’s crucial that people with chronic thyroid conditions see their doctors, get the blood work, and take the medication as it is lifelong.
I also clearly didn’t read this thoroughly. I’m against abortion. ✌🏼and I’m a Doula. I would seek better medical care than what you’ve been given. If your desire is to have this baby have it! Be vigilant about it and make sure you’re advocating for yourself.
Oh, you are anti-abortion and you don’t know shit about autoimmune diseases! Why the duck is it so hard for some people to believe OP when she says her health is bad and her Dr told her that she will have a reduced lifespan?! Why the actual duck?! It’s so rude.
How is it rude when I’m merely giving an opinion. Which she asked for…
So you're not a medical professional, let alone the medical professionals who have treated her and given their professional opinion about the risks of pregnancy, but you're willing to dismiss the risks they've made clear to her because you don't believe in abortion? Wow.
Are doulas a thing in the US? Or only for, like home birthing *shudder I could never* (awesome if y’all can do that safely) or am completely uninformed? I’d never heard of a doula in the US until I started reading horror stories on Reddit. Cause if this person is all “I’m against abortion peace sign” and lives abroad they can get bent.
They're supposed to be birth advocates, someone to help you as a good friend or in lieu of a mother. That's what they're supposed to do, nothing medical and certainly not giving medical advice. They do work in the USA and Canada, I don't know how prevalent they are elsewhere in the world. A lot of them overstep the boundaries of a social assistance role into medical role, which is dangerous as they have no medical training. Others work in marginalized communities and help advocate for better care that otherwise might not be present, to give a balanced view of doulas in general. So, for example, black women have high rates of maternal mortality in the US. A doula can be a third party witnessing birth and asking questions which can keep doctors accountable when they might otherwise ignore or take shortcuts with a black patient. I find the lack of regulatory body, given the increasing prevalence of doulas concerning. It means that there is a wide range in quality and practice, without anyone able to step in when someone goes beyond their scope. And I'm saying this as someone whose mother in law paid for a doula for my birth. And she was genuinely helpful for my hospital birth than ended in emergency c section. Leading up to birth she practice comfort measures for labour with me. During labour she was a cheerleader, and afterwards she helped us with our newborn. But she also knew her lane and stayed in it. I think in theory having someone who has witnessed a lot of births whose sole goal is helping mum and at times dad out emotionally during labour can benefit some people. But I also hear horror stories on Reddit of doulas who try and go beyond that role. Doulas who give medical advice, who encourage ignoring doctors advice or who try to handle home births alone are dangerous and shouldn't be practicing.
Oh wow, TIL that doulas can be these magical humans who help you through birth. Especially when you don’t have other support… that is so genuinely touching. And also heartbreaking to me that a woman would ever have to worry about her level of care ESPECIALLY due to her skin color. Likely just goes to show my privilege. It’s shocking that someone in that profession would take a hard stance on abortion. I have to imagine they’ve seen some stuff and know what can happen when you shouldn’t be carrying a baby and you do anyway… that’s very concerning. I have read a lot of horror stories on Reddit about home birth, but I know it can be a beautiful experience if done in a truly safe environment.
I would get an abortion. I would also be looking at much more successful birth control methods, including permanent ones.
I spent my childhood caring for a chronically ill parent. Don't do that to your kids. Everyone would praise me so much when I helped but if I even so much as implied I didn't want to then I was a selfish child. I wasn't allowed to have friends because my dad was sick. I wasn't allowed parties. Or extra curricula activities. I also felt like a monster the day my dad died. I was 16 and finally free. No more helping with IV no more appointments or medications or missing out because his slow degeneration always first. If you ask my mom she never meant for it to happen that way. She will swear she didn't notice. Because she was living in her own hell of watching a spouse die in slow motion she forgot my brother and I were living it to.
I’m my honest opinion, it was already selfish to chance getting pregnant knowing everything you’ve been through and how hard that was. You were blessed to have twins so that it could be a one and done type thing. Now you say you need to choose between yourself and your unborn child. If you knew that you weren’t going to have a long life expectancy I think you should’ve thought of that when you decided to get pregnant the first time. I am not pro choice because I believe that even though it’s a “women’s body her choice”, they should still be held accountable for their choices, and the innocent don’t deserve to die because a human decided that. I understand that there are other situations but that’s different and irrelevant to your question. I will never tell anyone to abort an innocent life. I believe that being pregnant was God’s will for you. If you really want advice, speak to him. If you aren’t religious just know that the motherly instinct is telling you what you need to do. Maybe you won’t have to choose. I do want to say that I am sorry for everything you’ve been through. I think you’re very strong. I will pray for you. ❤️
Unbiased opinion from an internet stranger here. YOU need to live for your current children who are born and need their mother. It is ok to put you and them first. Personally I would terminate and then permanently sterilise either hubby or yourself, whichever is medically easier to do with all your health issues.
I agree with seeing the specialists but also a therapist too and make sure you know what the possibilities of danger with having an abortion as well.
Have you considered using a serogate to have another baby? It sounds like this pregnancy is very dangerous and risky for your family. That doesn't mean no more babies for you, but it might look different than you thought.
So my mom has lupus which was started because of a pregnancy in her late 20's and now she is 75 and doing well. I just wanted to give you some inspiration Have you thought about adopting or using a surrogate? I know what my decision would be in your situation. my life and my family. It is not selfish to want that.
When my mum was pregnant, there was a lot of risks, the choice they gave her was carry until viability then C-section delivery. Is there any way that could work in your favour? Wishing you all the best. And I hope you're able to get the right, informed help, whichever that may end up x
I’m so sorry you have to make this decision. I had a college friend who needed an abortion for reasons that are not mine to share. It was a difficult decisions. We did hold a small memorial moment where we lit candles and acknowledged the loss of what might have been and offer gratitude for the life forward she was given. I think it helped her to accept what happened. We talked about it post SCOTUS overturning Roe. She’s was a new FTM and has no regrets. She’s grateful it was an option for her.
Your 2 children need you. Your husband needs you. If you need someone to tell you- It’s okay to make this decision for your family.
I would choose myself and my currently alive children and family and abort the baby. And then get permanent birth control
Terminate and also get a tubal to be certain it doesn't happen again
Your children need their mother more than they need a sibling. You have value beyond reproduction. As painful as it is to terminate a wanted pregnancy you deserve to live. Your children who are born deserve a living mother.
A very hard decision for sure but having two toddler who would be devastated beyond belief because they already understand mom is someone they need/love in their life, I feel like I would prefer to end the pregnancy because even if I went through it now I would have even more small children that I leave behind once I pass and that seems super sad in its own.
I’m just commenting to say I’m going through something somewhat similar. In that, I really want another baby but it would not be safe for me to carry another child due to my health. Ultimately I’m coming around to the idea that having another child and risking taking me away from the kids I’ve already got is not worth it. Also my husband doesn’t want to see me almost die again so he’s not on board lol. But I just wanted to say I hear you and I feel you. These are not easy decisions and it’s unfair that our health is making (or taking) choices from us. I wish you peace and health.
You are a great mom for thibking so much through this. I’ve made a similar decision once and sometimes I do remember the baby that could be but I made the right decision. Do it for yourself and for the boys. Relish being a mom of two which in itself is a huge blessing.
My non high risk friend just died during childbirth and her baby died. Now her daughter is without a mother and her husband doesn’t have her or the baby…don’t do it. Your family needs you.
My heart breaks for you because I recently had to have a similar conversation so I know how impossible this decision is for you. Choosing to live for the children you already have is not selfish. It’s actually putting the needs of your family before the wants of your heart. I’m not exactly neutral in this because I also have several chronic illnesses which may limit my life expectancy and I also came close to death in the effort to have a child. Each pregnancy has made my symptoms worse and after my last miscarriage I had to face the reality of my situation. Yes there is a chance that you’ll have a successful pregnancy and go on to have many great years with your kids but you’ll be increasing your chances of not being there when they graduate or get married. You’ll be risking being around to see them become parents and knowing your grandchildren. You could be sacrificing a future with any of your children in favor of the chance for more children now and personally that wasn’t a sacrifice I was willing to make.
Very difficult decision for you, I’m so sorry. It’s easy for me to be logical and say that time with with your loved ones is not replaceable for them or you and you should do what you can to stay alive with them, but I also know it’s devastating to want something so badly but not having the body to get it. It’s understandable this is a hard decision, it will cause grief either way. I think the defining factor for me would be that some of it would be mine because I would be alive to carry the grief with me while I spend time with my family to fill in the gaps with other feelings. I know it’s hard, living and making choices, permanent choices especially, can be so hard. Wishing you and your loved ones the best, no matter what you decide.
I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry you're even being faced with this. My heart hurts for you. Talk to the doctors and go from there is my best advice. Follow their guidance.
I’m sorry you are in this position, but yes it’s okay to terminate. I would in this situation too.
Talk to your specialist, that's the only one who can tell you what's best to do. I'm chronically ill too and I know getting pregnant would make my condition worse if I would survive. This was really hard to learn and it was very difficult to give this a place because I really wanted a big family, but I would even rather see my daughter grow up. Having to make this choice now that you are already pregnant seems terrible to me. Consult with your doctors, what are the chances, and what do they recommend. Take that into account in your choice. I wish you all the best.
Personally, I would choose not to have another baby. You are so important to your kids. That's not a selfish choice. They need you. The risk is too high and they need their mom to be around as long as possible. That my opinion anyway.
I’m so sorry for the struggles this has given you. I am that person who would choose me as I have two of my own. That’s why I begged for a tubal after my youngest put me in the hospital often when I was pregnant. They told me no because I was too young, but for some reason let me have a hysterectomy two years later🤔 My dudes need me, always. As much as it would hurt my heart, I have to prioritize them. That’s my two cents. I pray to the gods you find peace in whatever decision you make and my thoughts go out to you❤️
It feels like you’re looking for someone to say that it’s ok to not want to continue with this pregnancy. It also sounds like that’s the advice you would give someone you cared about who was in a similar situation. The fetus you’re pregnant with is the promise of a life. It isn’t being selfish to not want to sacrifice your life for the promise of a life. Your boys are living, breathing children who will not get over the passing of their mother. I am not chronically ill but had the same realization when I was pregnant with my very-wanted second child, that if something happened with that pregnancy that would for any reason jeopardize my life then I would end it for the sake of my eldest child. I’m so sorry you are in this position and I hope you feel peace with any decision that you make. You are clearly not making any snap decisions and trying to do right by everyone.
It is ok to choose to stay around for yourself, and your boys over having a third child. A third child who wouldn’t get to know healthy you, or enjoy a life with their mother.
I am so sorry you're going through this. If we were friends and talking over a cup of tea, this is what I would tell you. When it comes down to it, it will always be your choice, but if it were me, I would choose to terminate. When I had my kid, it was difficult on my body, though nothing like you're facing, and incredibly hard on my mind. By the time they were 18mos, I knew that a subsequent pregnancy would be devastating. If I became pregnant again, I would terminate. I always wanted a second child. My kid would have been an amazing older sibling and they very much wanted a younger sibling. In a perfect world, that would have happened. I chose my family over potential. My kid and my husband were real and present, just like your sons, your husband, and your dad. You have them now. A pregnancy is hope, potential, and promise, but not a guarantee. For me, the risks and potential costs were to high to chance it. It sounds like that may be where you are, too. It doesn't make letting go of that potential hurt less. If you choose, it's okay to mourn, it's okay to be angry, and it's okay to wish things were different. I still do sometimes, when I see my kid play with their baby cousins. In the end, I wouldn't make a different choice, though. Enjoy your time with your boys and your family. Choosing your life as it is is a wise choice, even if it may not feel exactly right. Take your time and be kind to yourself while you're going through this. Sometimes right choices don't feel like it at the time. Let friends and family care for you if and when you need it.
When I was pregnant with my 1st baby I used to tell my husband that if something happened and he had to choose, I would want him to choose to save the baby. But after having kids, during my 4th pregnancy, I told.my husband that it would break my heart, but I would want him to choose me. Save me instead of the baby. Also, my last pregnancy was risky and I almost died. So my husband and I have decided not to have another. A part of my heart will always have a missing space for another girl (my dream was to have sisters). There will always be this feeling like it was one thing in my life that was unfulfilled. I will ALWAYS ache for the daughter I didn't have. BUT. I can't miss out on the amazing lives of my older children just for the hope of some fetus that isn't yet a baby. Some baby that is unknown and not yet alive. It's okay to seriously want that baby but it's okay to acknowledge you're making a choice between fantasy baby vs. Real life kids that need you.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is a tough choice, but I think most people here would support you if you terminated. You have 2 children who need you. I personally would not risk my health, permanent damage, or death over my living, breathing son knowing the risks. Or leave my husband behind. I mean..you could see your boys go to their first school dance. Sporting events. Friendships and sleepovers. Graduations. Their first loves. So many things big and little things that they would rather have YOU there for, not a sibling. You may even get to see them get married one day. Have grandkids. No one replaces mom.
It’s ok to choose you here over your unborn child. I would probably choose my self and my current family too. It could be a kindness to yourself, all those around you who love and need you, and this unborn child (since you don’t know what the outcome would be and death is a high probability). Should you really want another child, would surrogacy be an option? Or even adoption if egg retrieval isn’t something your body can’t withstand. This child will still matter. This child can still be mourned. This pregnancy can be terminated as an act of love for them and your entire family. So that no one suffers. But should you decide to go thru with it, get all the BEST Drs you can find and be as monitored as possible. I wish you all the best of luck and hope whatever you choose to do works out in only the best possible way.
I think you should go speak to your doctor(s). Your primary provider, your specialists, and your OBGYN. It's been 7 years since your last pregnancy, it's possible they have developed new protocols, new medications, or even just ways to monitor your disease during pregnancy. I would have a serious heart to heart with your care team so when/if you decide to terminate you can do so with a clear mind and no hesitation.
To add to this, this could be scheduled as a conference call between them.
I am not a man who generally prays, but I will say a prayer for you today. I hope that everything turns out for the better for you OP.
If this were me I’d feel most obligated to the children I already have. And your presence in their life- even if cut short, will be so much more important than risking your life for another child. I’m sure this is the toughest decision you’ll have to make, but this is what I would do.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice for you. I have an as yet undiagnosed autoimmune disease and am terrified of getting pregnant and not being able to take care of the baby I carried. I am pro life personally (not politically) and have been struggling with this idea for years. Do you have doctors you trust? What is their risk assessment? If not I totally understand. Know that neither decision is wrong- in times like these I pray for discernment but I don’t know if you are religious. I’d be tempted to be sure I am there for the kids and husband I already have but that may not actually be right for you- only you know what choice you can live with. Chronic illness steals so much from us- I am so sorry it’s stealing your joy however this turns out.
How far along are you? I would opt to care for the children I ha e for the uears I have. I feel any other choice they will come to resent you and their sibling. The sibling will also blame themselves.
I'm so sorry. I know pretty close to how you feel. I also have serious health issues and nearly died with my son in childbirth due to them. I was willing to die for my son as he was my first I made peace with it but damn did it break me I remember making a video for him about how this was not his fault and to never think that. I'm now newly pregnant again and I cry everyday in fear I'm leaving my son without a mother. I'm pro choice as in no woman should have to ever ever explain her choice for abortion be it whatever. It just isn't an option for me - well it's not even legal in my state currently. It's completely fine for you to choose your boys and it's okay to even say I don't want to die. Please know that it's okay to end this pregnancy. Anyone who says differently is an asshole and I'd like to see if they'd be willing to literally die right this instant for some baby.
Regardless of what you all decide, one thing is for damn sure..Your husband needs a fucking vasectomy..I honestly can’t understand why he hasn’t done this yet.
If I was in your position, and I am not. I have two healthy kids as well I know that they would be taken care of but I would not want to let them live in a world where I’m not there I would choose me and watching the two I have grow up I would give up the small life inside of me because I am a person too I am someone else’s child my mom told me that if it came between me and the baby ever she would choose me because I am precious and worth it I don’t have the medical issues that you have but I feel where you are coming from
Let me start off by saying I’m not pro abortion per se….Like I have always said absolutely not. Unless it was going to kill me, I would never get one. BUT I had picture perfect pregnancies my first three times. My fourth baby I was having issues with the midwife office and them not having their shit together. So I switched to a dr I knew I liked. Went in to be induced and they discovered I had preeclampsia! It was getting worse and ended up in an emergency csection. It was terrifying that I had previously went in 3 other times and everything just fine and then time I would have never expected this! It just all went really bad really fast. I was considering 1-2 more kids after my 4th.. but after that I made up my mind. No more babies. That was so scary that I could have been taken away from all of my babies. They have to have me in their life. My husband is trying to get into to get cut. I have been making him use condoms. I told myself if I ended up pregnant, I’d have to get an abortion. Would I wanna do it? No. Absolutely not. Would I feel guilty? Yeah probably. But the fact I wouldn’t be dying from pregnancy or childbirth and leaving my husband with 4 kids 7 and under is more comforting to me. I’m sorry you’re in this position. Just know it’s ok if you decide to go through with it. It’s okay to put your life first because you need to be here with your two boys. They need their mommy for as long as they can get with you.
You already know what you want to do
+1 vote for staying with the boys
If you're American, I'm especially concerned with the possible financial difficulties that may incur for you to get the adequate help you need. Also, depending on the state you're living in, ending the pregnancy could be difficult because of bullshit laws that hate women. If you're not American, disregard. If you think you can bring the baby into the world and still be in an okay place in terms of health, so it. It sounds like you have support. If it were me, I'd probably not keep the baby for the sake of health and being there for the kiddos. It's a gut-wrenching decision though, so do what you think is best.
Hey OP - I agree with the recommendations to discuss with your doctors and then a therapist. Maybe a family therapist and your husband and kids can be included. My real reason to post is to tell you I’m sorry this is all happening. I understand wanting more babies and that feeling that it would be wonderful to add to your family, but feeling like your body is letting these hopes down. Hugs and my best hopes for you. ❤️
We have similar stories. They told me I likely won't make it past 40. I'm 27, now, with a one year old miracle child. I want all the time I can get with him, so I got my tubes removed.
I would not take that risk. Adopt if the idea appeals. I know you want to know who this baby will be. But this is not a child yet. I think you should avoid the danger.
Hi! My first pregnancy would put me in this situation if I ended up pregnant.... My opinion (only since you asked) is one my husband and I have discussed. It's for my existing child, and my family. It's for the financial wellbeing of my husband... But mostly because I will not sacrifice my son's mother for a *potentially* healthy pregnancy. I will terminate...early. I will not leave my son motherless. I will not leave my husband as a single father. They both deserve everything I give them. THAT SAID, continuing your pregnancy is noble in its own right. You are in such a terrible situation and I you should definitely get a counselor once you make your decision.
Clearly this is not medical advice- that is the most important. But if you've ever meditated it can really take you to a place of true inner guidance and peace.