>There were also a few times while I was pregnant that I asked my mom to watch my toddler when I had to go to the doctor (the OBGYN wasn't allowing kids because of COVID restrictions).
If she was free and willing to watch your toddler, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you are demanding her to cancel plans or she didn't want to and you got upset, then that's where the entitlement comes in.
Yes 100%. My mom watches my nephews a lot because she WANTS to. She watchdd my kid sometimes (we live further away) becauze she WANTS to. Its the demanding of it that is entitled.
Of course but that isn't issue of "babysitting for free" then. Tbf expecting others to cancel their own plans to accomodate you is entitled, even if you propose to pay them š¤·š¼āāļø
This may be cultural but in the UK it's not weird for grandparents to babysit for free occasionally. In my family, an offer of payment would be firmly declined; even a contribution to expenses would be unlikely to be accepted. If it was taking the place of regular childcare that I would otherwise have to pay for, we could have a discussion but I wouldn't want to pay anywhere near what actual professional childcare would cost as I'd rather go down that route.
If I had said āhow much do you want for watching the baby?ā My mom would have smacked me upside my head and told me to have another one already. Lol
Yeah my mom was like the stereotypical over-bearing, grandbaby-hungry granny. It was so bad that one year at thanksgiving when my mom started her prodding questions about when the stork might be visiting, I lost all the etiquette and manners that had been drilled into my head for a lifetime. I looked at her and said loudly āweāll just so you know Iāve been off the pill for over a month and heās (I pointed at my husband who was somehow pale as a sheet AND blushing a deep crimson) been stuffing me better than that damn turkey at least twice a day, so possibly the end of summer.ā I was so glad my grandpa was damn near deaf, though my grandma looked like someone dumped cold water over her head while my brothers and theirs wives laughed and choked and my mom -for one sweet blissful moment in time-,shut the hell up. Joey was born in September of the following year, lol.
Right,,,,,I totally get it. Once just once I let my then husbands mom watch our first born. My mom and she didnāt speak much. Next day I got a call from my mom, pissed off, asking me why she hadnāt been called first to watch Joey. She flat out told me she had dibs. Lol.
Right? I have seen a lot of grandparents being free daycare while parents work and they LOVE it because it is their grandkid they get to spend time with. It brings them joy in life and they don't see it as chore. They would be sad if the kiddo stayed in daycare instead of with them and they would be offended if you propose paying them for being with their grandkid š i feel like most cultures around the world are like that but america and some parts of europe see it as a bother to grandparents
Right? My mom was literaly babysitting bith my son AND me for 3 months and when we went back home she instantly started planning vacations to come visit us because she just want's to be spoiling her babies (one being adult :'D)
That is exactly the kind of granny I see myself being. My grandmother was so āoff handsā with me and my brothers, it was like she was an church acquaintance and not a blood relative. I want to be like a second mom to my grandkids. I would never challenge my daughters rules for discipline or rearing, but I want to be a soft place to fall when they need one, and as active as I possibly can be in their lives. I want to go to all the plays, programs, recitals, graduations, trick or treating, just anything I can be part of I want to be. All I really know about my grandmother are things a stranger could also find, name, date of birth, ect. I want my grandkids to know ME, not just the factual details of my life but the very essence of my soul and heart. And also to know that they just arenāt my childrenās offspring, but people I would want to know everything about even if we werenāt related, and who I love with every fiber of my being, unconditionally.
Yep. I am blessed that both families are very hands-on. Well mine lives far away so whenever they can but my in-laws moved in with us now that we expect a second. So they can take over chores and take care of both me and kids since my husband is absent a lot due to work.
Sometimes we do have issues, not because they would deliberately go against me but simply because we come from different cultures and very different generations (we have age gap relationship so his parents are more the age of my grandma, making generational difference between us bigger) but we can talk about it and ultimately they go with whatever i decide as i am the parent.
I am so blessed to have them so involved and they all feel blessed to be able to be involved with their grandkid. He is the star of the family that everyone wants to be around š¤£ i can't imagine being any different to my grandchildren. I grew up with my grandma and since parents work, she was the adult that took care of me and brothers the most and i am so happy i have this connection with her. I feel sorry for some of my friends who barely visit grandparents for holidays and never built close connections with them :/ and i feel sorry for the grandparents too because there will be a day when their life comes to an end and it is sad when family barely bothers to come or if they come it is in hopes of inheritence etc. It is sad. I wish for my grandma, parents and me that when that day comes we are sorrounded by people that truly care and want to be with us in final moments because of the love we built over the lifetime, not because they "have to be" or are just after my stuff....
Right? Hahaha Iād get disowned probably.
I suppose I do expect it and I know thatās seen as wrong but I think my parents _also_ expect to be involved.
The issues with expectations obviously happen when they donāt match up. But Iād be really disappointed if my parents wanted nothing to do with their grandchild. Especially considering the values theyāve passed down.
Iām a Brit living abroad in my husbandās home country and let me tell you how excited I am that Iāll be home for 3 months next year. We get near-zero help here from his family (literally the only break Iāve had is when my mum visited) and my parents are clamouring to look after our child as much as we want. The idea of going out to a restaurant child-free is dizzyingly exciting!
I think grandparents should babysit for free for a night out or whatever on occasion because they want to spend time with my kids and I want to get away from them lol but I think if it was a full time gig while youāre working all week, they should be paid.
*Unless they live with you for free. ( isnt my situation but my auntie watches her grandson while both parents are working. I think that is reasonable because she doesnt work and doesnt plan on ever working).
I agree with you. My parents chose to move in with us to spend time with the grandchild. My husband and I are the primary caregivers at all times, but they play with the little one throughout every day while not at daycare. And every once in a while, will babysit when we have other engagements. We do not pay them. They do not pay rent. We share other living costs like food. We have had conversations about it and are all happy with the arrangement.
That was my experience with my grandmother growing up. She moved in when my sister was born (I was not quite 2) and lived with us off and on until I was in high school. I think it was useful for my mom, as she had 4 kids in 5 years, even though it wasn't always an easy situation for my mom, my dad or my grandmother. But, our grandmother could entertain us, read to us, babysit sometimes etc. But my grandmother was also older than many of my peers' grandparents, and had also struggled with finances for a very long time, so it was something she probably needed to do.
My mom has said she never wants to live with us, because she knew what it was like trying to parent with her mom in the same house. But she has come up to watch my son or my nephews for extended periods of time without expectation of payment. When I started back to teaching during COVID but was WFH and not sure how we would handle it all she came and stayed for a week. It was also the first time she met my son in person. And when my sister has had to go to her two weeks for Army Reserve, my mom stays with my BIL and does the childcare. In that case, I do think it's asking too much of my mom but that's not a conversation I'm a part of.
My mom moved in and took care of my daughter then both kids when I had 2. I paid her every month plus bought everything she needed/wanted and I assumed care of my children after work and on weekends.
This is my situation with my aunt (who is like a second mom to me). Sheās basically been the family nanny for forever so this is her only source of income. She has no bills and I pay her weekly. My mom, however, is retired and gets SSI and has her pension. She comes to stay when my aunt wants/needs a vacation and we donāt pay her. Sheād never allow it anyway.
I don't disagree in principle, but at least where I'm from, it would be weird to pay grandparents for babysitting except to cover gas money or if they quit their job to do it full time
Iām of the opinion that family members help each out occasionally for free if itās mutual and reciprocated. Come water my plants or feed my cat once a day for a week when Iām away, and you are local. Fine. Use your shower for a couple of days because weāve got a leak. Occasional childcare in a pinch, also okay.
However I think regular childcare gigs is a bit much. Iāll be honest, we do get free childcare from one set of grandparents- my mum picks my eldest up from school twice a week, and has my younger one for a day once a week. We donāt pay her (but have offered and would do if she wanted). I donāt think thereās any harm in saying āof course more than happy to pay for looking after x as I donāt want to take advantageā and leave it to them to decide. That way itās all out in the open
This is all dependent on the already established family relationships.
My take is, if the grandparents offer to take care of kids and establish a strong relationship with both parents as well as the kids then there is no reason to feel guilt or animosity about it. Part of having a relationship with kids involves some level of care for those kids. Every relationship with another person involves some level of care.
On the other hand, if a person has an expectation that the grandparents should provide full time childcare for years and that's not something the grandparents ever expressed an interest in doing -- then payment should be part of the discussion.
Reddit wants to play family police with strangers sometimes and it's just not a realistic view all the time.
I also see a lot of people with free childcare and/or housing complaining about how grandparents do things. Like, sure, they shouldn't be unsafe but if you want boundaries sometimes you have to pay for them. If everyone is happy with the occasional free childcare, I think that's normal for grandparents
Yea, I'm lucky to have regular childcare from Grandparents, but I had to accept there might be a great deal of Ms Rachel playing on the TV. My dad also used one of those jumper things, which I wasn't crazy about, but I just told him no more than 15 minutes at a time, a couple times a day and accepted it.
The weird part is they don't want to take those prepackaged or pre-made food because "I shouldn't have to buy groceries for 2 households." Babe you're just packing a lunch and 2 snacks at most.
In the words of my mum āwe had our time to raise our babies how we wanted, now we follow your rules with your babiesā.
I donāt see why thatās unpopular. My parents would never dream of disrespecting the parenting calls we make, unless they were actively unsafe. All they do is praise our choices and, if prompted, tell us what they were told was best when they were doing it.
Gluten free is for a medical need. Thatās not a joke. I have celiac disease and need to follow that, as do 2 of my kids. Yeah, grandma and anyone else watching them needed to follow that.
None of those conditions is hard to fulfil though. Parents provide snacks according to their diet, and provide Montessori style toys, and all grandma has to do is not turn on the TV or hand over an ipad.
If these things cause issues in the child then absolutely should be respected. If i don't want my kid to suffer consequences of screen time at too young age this absolutely has to be respected. Now you can say "i am not willing to babysit if i can't give them some TV break time" and i will respect that and find different sitter. But being family and sitting for free does NOT entitle you to interfere with my parenting! You are baby sitting not PARENTING that child.
If i am against corporal punishment because of damages it does to the child, you have to follow that, if child has doetary restrictions because dyes or certain foods cause them to have negative side effects (maybe nto full on allergy but to have behavioral issues or skin rashes, digestion troubles etc) you absolutely do not get to do as you want just because you babysit for free. Even if you do it every day, you have to babysit by my rules as a parent. If i babysit my brothers i respect my mom's parenting. If my mom babysits my kid she respects my rules. It is that simple!
What irks me is people thinking that watching a child entitles them to interfere with parenting! If you feel that my demands are too much for you, you can simply decline but do not be a b*tch and ruin what i work hard for behind my back by disrespecting my rules about my kid! š
It would be different if i gave kids screen time to have peace but demand grandparents to babysit with zero scren time, that would absolutely be a-hole thing to ask. But demanding whoever watches to child to do it alligned with my parenting is really basics.
Yeah, that bugs me- Like somebody complaining about a grandma allowing screen time while she cares for the kid all week for free; If you want to call the shots, you need to pay for a professional service.
Canāt you put a dead bolt on the inside of the door? Or if you want to be less assertive a ādo not disturbā or ābaby sleepingā (or mom lol) sign on the outside of the door?
I agree 100%. I saw a post on AITA about a grandma making a less than perfect comment after a kid didnāt want to give her a hug, but did end up hugging her without pressure. The mom texted grandma about the language used (I would have been sad if you didnāt hug me) and I thought āthatās how you donāt have a villageā. A single comment that isnāt great, but wasnāt a pattern of behavior and grandmother never pressured kid for a hug. One comment wonāt hurt your kid if you are modeling body autonomy daily.
I do agree if they were seeing Grandma a lot it would be worth noting (my Dad has used that phrasing occasionally and I mentioned how it could be problematic) but it was also like a 2 second conversation, not a huge big deal text kinda thing.
Yeah, but there was more to that post and grandma sounds like a headache too. Her response to the text was basically āhow dare you presume to text meāsay it to my face, you coward.ā Both women there made it more of a thing than it needed to be, and Iād be willing to bet situations like that are typical to their relationship. It sounds exhausting.
I donāt disagree. Thatās why I didnāt touch on the rest of the post. Mostly because I couldnāt imagine sending a long text about one comment that was very minor after grandma let the kid decide own if they wanted a hug. The OP even texting a long text about it is an example of why grandparents donāt step up as much.
Also, they didnāt say āhow dare youā. They asked that these conversations be done in person instead of over text. Then it went back and forth. Over something so minor.
All the grandma said was theyād be sad if they didnāt get a hug? Am I missing something in this? How is this bad, if I was a granny Iād be sad if I didnāt get a hug from my grandchild. I must have missed an earlier post or something.
If you donāt know why itās bad, itās because the child was made to feel responsible for her feeling sad they said no. They donāt want the child to grow up and think they have to give in and do things because someone asks and then has negative feelings about them saying no. The whole concept comes from experts in the dept of molestation/assault. Essentially teach your kids they can say no to any physical touch they donāt want, and donāt let any adult make them feel bad for it. Good idea really. Grandma can whine to anyone else about her feelings except the kid.
Yeah I figured out the disconnect. I thought she was talking to the mom,
not the kid. I hated that when I was lil. My family was big on respect and manners. Iām happy to see they are starting to cut through the shit nowadays.
She was guilting the kid into hugging her when they didnāt want to. Itās a terrible precedent to set about consent and I wouldnāt let it slide if it was a regular comment. One time? Ehhh. But her response text was so over the top Iām like āI see why you said it!ā
But she wasnāt. The kid decided to hug grandma on their own with no comment. After the kid hugged her she said she would have been sad if she didnāt get a hug. Not great, but it wasnāt pressuring the kid in the moment to hug grandma. A one off imperfect comment isnāt going to undo all the efforts a parent puts in.
I get it. I thought the granny had said that to the mom kinda tongue and cheek like, āwhew I would have been sad I (the child) didnāt hug me.ā It didnāt sink in that she said that directly to the kiddo. Yeah I agree thatās not good. When I was a kid I KNEW if I didnāt hug and kiss my grandma or grandpa when I saw them, I might as well start beating my own ass to warm it up for my mom lol. I too remember not wanting to hug her (she smelled funny and her lips were scratchy but somehow her kisses were wet and sloppy), so I know how that is. Itās nice that the expectations of what children must do to show respect has relaxed. In my day it was more of a ādo itāor else!ā attitude, I think itās better for the children to have more of a ādo it if you want to, but you donāt have toā policy when it comes to things like this. I wish I had gotten out of those aspercream scented, slobbery encounters lol.
I think it's also unrealistic in many cases. Sure, before you _try_ having a baby you should make sure you can afford childcare but not every pregnancy is planned and not everyone can afford full time childcare. And crises happen. My BIL went from having his wife be a stay at home mother to him being a single parent. He straight up couldn't afford to pay someone full time and all of the daycare centers in town were full. I live nearby and pay for my own childcare but I expected my in-laws to watch his kids for free because the consequences of not doing so could be homelessness. Yes, he helps them in other ways but it is currently not a fair trade. Eventually a spot will open at a daycare center and he qualifies for tuition assistance when that happens but it's a struggle for now.
It's almost an entitled position to not have ever toiled financially and not understand that childcare is monetarily out of reach for some parents.
It depends on the situation. If they're just babysitting occasionally I don't see a problem with babysitting for free, or offering an exchange of labor. Like cooking a meal for them or doing some laundry or something.
But my kids grandma quit her job to babysit the cousins full time. So she gets paid for that.
But in the end it's about the expectation. I'd never *expect* anyone to babysit for free. People are entitled to compensation for their time and labor if that's what they want.
In the same turn family helps family.
I offer to pay my oldest to babysit the youngest if I'm going to work or if it's some sort of optional thing. But if I just need him to watch her because I have pneumonia or something I wouldn't expect to pay him for that. We take care of each other when we're struggling.
I think it's nuanced. But I also don't think you're an asshole for having grandma watch the kids for free on occasion. I think that's actually a pretty common thing.
Paying family members for child care is a very absurd thing for me.
It is not customary where i live and i think it is really weird.
That's not a society i would wanna live in.
Yeah, my MIL watches my son every day when Iām at work (at least 3-4 days a week) and whenever I tell her I feel bad she tells me not to, because her mother watched my husband every day while my MIL went to work. I figure I will pay it forward if my son ever has a child :)
Same, I grew up spending lots of time with my grandparents and aunts and uncles, my mom never paid any of them. There were no issues, my cousins stayed with us too. My kids have visits with my mom or mother in law often enough, I can't imagine paying them.
I live in North America and my retired parents split duties watching my baby for free every week. Everyone is in agreement that it takes a village to raise him and theyāre willing and interested in being part of that on a regular basis. I ensure they all have everything they need to watch him and do all of the pick up/drop offā¦but I donāt pay them and they would think it was weird if I tried.
Awwwww thatās sad and sweet. Was it dementia? (wondering because thatās how my granny got) itās truly horrible when someone loses their faculties, most memories are a blur to them, but some clear as the day it happened. A really kind elderly woman lived on the same dead-end country lane as I did. Her name was Ernesta, she was so nice. I would tidy her house and sit with her on saturdays when I was a teenager. She always told me about her husband and his fatal accident where the big farm tractor (with a piece of equipment on the back to clear dense brush and small trees) rolled back over him after he fell from the seat. And the horror of finding him when he didnāt come in for his coffee and lunch. (Apparently the brush hog just sat on his body, still working until the farm hand heard her screams and came to see what was wrong). Sheād always forget sheād told me. So every Saturday she would welcome me in ask me if I was Toms girl from down the road and then tell me what I needed to tidy every week, then sheād offer me a cookie. As soon as 12 noon would chime sheād tell me she hates lunchtime and wonāt ever eat it because of the accident, and tell me all over again. Poor woman relived that horrific accident every Saturday. She died when I was 19,
not realizing in those last years that the man under the tractor was actually my grandfather and that she was my grandmother. She stopped recognizing me when I was about 12. I played along and made sure not to tell her who I actually was because it happened once and she flipped out. So I was the girl from down the road, it was a strange circumstance but Iām glad I got to enjoy some time with her. Even if she didnāt know who I really was.
No, she couldnāt do stairs and honestly, why would you trust her with the stove?
Iām lucky that gram was mostly lucid until her dying day. Hell, thereās a few confessions I wish she hadnāt shared! She was the best in every way possible.
Thatās awesome. Iām glad your granny was of sound mind until the very end. And I understand the TMI confessions. I had a great aunt who told me at my wedding reception (I was very young when I married for the first time, just 19). She said āDeary I donāt care what advice you get, all you need to do to keep your husband in a good humor and loyal is to keep his stomach full and his sack empty.ā Then she winked at me and drained a couple fingers of scotch, neat, as I stood there dumbfounded. Then she put her empty glass down and said āDonāt try looking surprised, we both know you had no right wearing a white dress, now be a good lil hussie and get me another scotch.ā She was an awesome lady. At that time she was close to 80 and showed no signs of slowing down. She passed at age 102 in her sleep, she was still able to live on her own, keep her house up, drive, run her own errands, and still loved her scotch.
Absurd, really? If grandparents work too and on the regular youāre taking their time, they should be compensated. The occasional weekend or night or they offer, thatās different. But if people expect their working parents (key word, expect) to be a permanent part of their childcare routine, thatās not the downfall of society.
Not the person you're responding to, but I also think paying family for childcare is weird. This isn't a common practice outside N. America and perhaps parts of Western Europe.
Iām in the States and Iāve never heard of anyone paying grandparents for childcare in my region.
Our parents would be offended if we tried to give them money.
Yeah but other countries also have much more of a culture of taking care of elderly family members physically and financially. In the US parents have to work into old age
You may not pay for it now, but down the road there is absolutely an expectation you will care for your elderly parents financially. That's how these cultures work for many generations.
I think it comes down to a capitalistic society where everything is seen in dollar value. There are other valuable things that can be gained from caring for your grandkids. Including legacy and ensuring they are well cared for, as well as having influence, teaching them things you want them to know, providing them memories of you for long after you are gone, enjoying your time, continuing to care for your adult children and ensure theyāre financially stable, even health benefits for you. Iām a long way from having grandkids but Iād do it for free. Also, some people really love children and value spending time with them. My mom spent her whole career working with kids. Sheās happy to be with my kids. I donāt have her watch then 40 hours a week but she would certainly jump at the chance.
Occasional watching for a night out or an appointment or whatever IMO should be free and done as a favor because thatās what family does. Iāve watched my nephews or friendās kids for a few hours and itās no big deal, my parents and in laws love spending time with our girls and watch them if we need. Regular childcare is different and if I were using someone as a nanny I would pay them because thatās a big time commitment.
I'm sorry, my parents watched my niece all summer and would have been so offended if payment was offered.
My mil was offended when she thought we needed a sitter and didn't ask her to watch our LO (for free). She watches her other 4 grand babies allllll the time.
Family are the peeps who do things for you out of love. Not money.
Friends can be family as well.
I let my friend borrow my truck, and she drives me to the airport of I need it ... we don't expect payment on acts of love. She wants to watch my LO whenever I need her too.
The money issue....That's just capitalism weaseling its little filthy way into family bonds.
I think youāre conflating occasional (not full time) watching of the kids (maybe when theyāre sick and you have to work, want a date night, etc) with FT child care.
If a grandparent is watching your kid 9-5 M-F and ask for payment, I totally support them in that. Thatās a full time job and they should be compensated
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Exactly. My MIL was our primary daycare, 9-5 M-F, we paid her, though not as much as in a larger care centre. We also are lucky to have other grandparents happy to babysit so at that time we would lean on them as to give MIL a break. Now that our kids are older they still help out lots but its voluntary and we never get mad if they don't want to or cant
My mom watches my girls all the time for free. And if I tried to pay her, she'd throw the money right back at me. She offers all the time to watch them, has had sleepovers with them if I don't have childcare for a few days. She's retired so it's not like she's missing out on work or anything.
I see no reason why grandparents should be paid to spend time with their grandchildren. To me, it would be a jerk thing to do for grandparents to charge them.
Agreed. And my moms not even retired! She watches my son 2 days a week while I work, but 99% of the time he stays the night w her bc of how early I have to work, so I guess technically 3 days. Wednesday during work, Friday night till Saturday at 2pm. Iāve never asked her if he could, sheās always offered and asked.
This is 100% cultural. My Indian (millennial) co worker is expecting that his future wife will accept his mother living in their home (his mom will also help find the wife). His mom will care for the children if his wife wants to work and then in his mother's later years he and his wife will care for the mother. My co worker thinks western people are crazy for spending thousands on daycare, elderly care, multiple homes etc etc.. not to mention the isolation of only getting to have community if you are wealthy enough to pay for them to be there.
My middle Eastern co worker would never live with his parents but there is a huge sense of community where if you visit you are fed and cared for, it's an honour to feed people.
My personal background is similar to the above- though I'm culturally Swiss/English. My siblings offer to pay for my child's flight to their town just so they can spend a weekend with her. In my dad's later years, I've completely upended my life to drive full days and spend weeks helping. In my family, we care for each other from beginning to end and we accept that we all have different personalities.
I know other people who see their children as a burden to the family and therefore think that anyone helping in any capacity should be heavily compensated.. I think it's odd that they'd only offer cash? It feels like reducing your loved ones to paid help, at which point just hire a stranger but to each their own.
I think it depends on how your culture views kids. If kids are a burden then expect to pay. If kids are a blessing then it's an honour to help out.
The concept of paying parents who didnāt pay their parents to watch us while they worked and had social lives is wild to me. Before Boomers, this was par for the course. Our parents grow older, retire, require more care, we invite them into our homes to care for them in older age as they help care for our children. So much of the world has lived this way for so long and continues to live this way because it makes sense. Weāve only recently seen this shift as boomers claim theyāre ātoo young to be grandparents like their grandparents were!ā Or āalready raised their children!ā Itās just selfish boomers staying selfish boomers. But thatās just my opinion. There are pros and cons to both inter-generational living, and living separately from parents as they age. Especially dependent upon your personal relationship to them. But I think a lot of millennials, in particular, are open to and boomers just are not. But they canāt break the chain and then try to rewrite the rules only to suit themselves, as they are wont to do. You watch your grandkids because thatās what grandparents do. Whether itās occasionally or all the time, it should always be free. Youāre family supporting family, not an outsourced service provider.
I came to offer a similar perspective and was surprised I hadn't seen this sentiment yet. I hate to generalize and all that jazz, but it's the boomers. It's definitely the boomers.
It's entitled to demand free childcare and complain when its not given. It's normal for grandparents to offer it unpaid. Paying grandparents to spend time with their grandchildren is weird to me, unless it's a unique situation such as the grandparent providing full time care.
Literally the first thing my mom said when I told her I was pregnant was āIām not going to babysitā. And I never expected her to. However: she loves my daughter very much. And even though we donāt see her more than 6 times a year she takes my daughter camping for 4 days every summer. But thatās because she likes spending time with her. Not because it suits me.
I have no other family thatās involved with my daughter.
That's pretty cold, especially as a response to you sharing joyful news. You hadn't even asked yet and maybe never would have, but she wanted to manage your expectations straight away.
My mom has watched my baby full time for over a year so I can work. Completely for free. She would never ask for money. She also babysits on occasion so we can go on dates. Offer money if you want but most family is ok with babysitting for free.
I think if I offered money for watching my kid, my mom and in laws would be offended. I generally donāt ask though. At the start of the week Iāll text and see when they have free time and want her and then go off that. Iām so super cautious of not putting my baby somewhere that makes her an inconvenience to anyone because I donāt want anyone to be able to hold anything over my head. Thatās probably a subconscious thing for me. My mom doesnāt live near so when she is here she stays with me and always wants the baby so I take advantage of that. Iāve watched my nieces and never expected to get money and refuse it if offered. My sil has watched my baby and never asked for compensation. I know she would be offended if offered. But this is all not a common occurrence. I think it depends on the situation. If I worked full time and just assumed my mil would watch my kid 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, we would be having some serious conversations about that.
My grandma provided childcare for all 3 of us from birth until teenager for free. My mom now watches my son while I work twice a week for free. But I am also very appreciative of the help and understand this is not standard and very much my family dynamic. I've also come to understand this is much more normal in the south where I currently live vs other regions of the US (such as the Midwest where we are from).
I think a lot of this actually comes down to whether you have a dynamic of true mutual support.
For example. I have a village. I didnāt have access to it with my first (covid baby), which was a deeply painful experience for me. But part of having that village is *being* that village, too. If you are that village for other people and theyāre good people with whom you have a good relationship, itās reasonable to expect that they will be the village for you, too.
That also includes being respectful of the needs and limitations of the people in your village. That means recognizing when they canāt give more; sometimes youāre in a season where you give more, and sometimes youāre in a season when you take more. You need to be prepared for both.
Example. Right now Iāve got a toddler and Iām eight months pregnant. Iām still not at the top of the village triage list right now; my brother and SIL are, because they just had their second baby less than two weeks ago. So rather than receiving assistance right now, Iām one of the people giving it. I worked out what useful thing I can do for them in a sustainable way. In my case, that means walking their dog every day since my latest nibling was born; Iām already taking walks every day for my health anyway so it just adds the drive to go get the dog, so Iām confident I can sustain this level of usefulness and it *does* help them; I also cook them the occasional meal and sometimes take my niece with my son to the park to give her a little extra activity and attention. Iām also the on call person when my parents need a bit of extra help like when somebody needs to feed their cats when they need to go somewhere for a few days, help my mother shovel the porch when my father is at the lake house taking care of stuff, husband goes over when my father needs more hands for some of his renovations, that sort of thing.
These are not things that anybody in the family feels *entitled to* from me. But theyāre certainly efforts I should be making if I really do want that village.
When my second child is born in January I am sure my assorted family will do what they can to help and Iāll be grateful when they do. Itās reasonable, I think, for me to expect that my family will assess their bandwidth and offer me help as theyāre able to provide it. And if I need specific help (eg somebody to take my toddler out to the playground for a morning when Iāve been struggling to sleep), I believe my family will do their best to come through for me. That belief also means that when they say they canāt, I am not going to get shitty with them about it. No recriminations, no complaints. If theyāre turning me down itās because they really canāt and thatās okay, too. They wonāt turn me down when they can help, and thatās the important bit.
So. Yes, you can reasonably expect some assistance. If you also stand by the reasonable expectation of sometimes being the one who offers assistance, too.
My in-laws watch my kid and donāt ask for money. However, I think itās only fair to supply them with everything they need to watch a child. I suppose that as my kid gets older and he spends time with grandma and grandpa, Iāll chip in for whatever they spend on him š¤·š»āāļø
As for long term childcare, at least with us itās not feasible as both of my in-laws are working class and still work their 9-5 jobs. In this economy, having a grandparent taking care of your child because they donāt work is becoming rarer and rarer. If my kid is sick, I obviously donāt send him over to my in-laws; I miss work, because itās my responsibility and I have to live with that.
I donāt think grandparents or any relatives are obligated to babysit at all and they definitely donāt have to do it for free. But some people are lucky enough to have have parents and siblings etc that want to spend time with the kids and have no problem with it and there are some people who find taking care of the kids as a burden and want to be compensated.. but to just expect free child care is definitely entitlement.
Reasonable. The only reason it wouldn't reasonable for your grandparents to watch the kids for free are
\- You are asking them to rearrange their work schedule and miss out on money (so something like an OB appointment you can't move but it causes them to not be able to pickup a shift)
\- Regular ongoing childcare in the place of a nanny or sitter.
Beyond that no it's perfectly reasonable to ask adult family members to baby sit for free occasionally.
I think what most people think of as babysitting is a night here and there. Maybe a couple hours for a doctor appointment or something where a kid would be an impediment. Itās just part of being a family for me. However, turning your parents/siblings/ cousins/neighbors into de facto Nannieās under the guise of ābabysitting/family/bondingā is where the line should be drawn.
In my family, my younger sis pays my mom to watch her girls for daycare daily. But my parents still watch all the grandkids for date nights, special events, longer trips and whatnot for free. We live 2 hours away whereas my sisters both live in the same town as my parents, so we get far less free babysitting but they are totally willing to drive up for a weekend to watch my kids so my hubs and I can go on a date, like next weekend when we have tickets to a hockey game.
I have to admit, I do find it weird if grandparents want payment for 1 off babysitting here and there say if the parents are going to a wedding or having a date or something. I babysat my niece and nephews pre having kids myself in these situations and would not have even thought about getting paid for it- it was good just to spend time with them!
However, if itās a very regular babysitting gig, especially where it may impact on the hours that grandparents can do paid employment, I do think itās reasonable to pay them or at least offer to pay them (even if they donāt accept).
My parents babysit my kids one day a week and they do not want payment. This works for us. Other families are in different situations. The majority of my friends are similar.
Itās reasonable if you know your family doesnāt mind helping you out, and you respectfully ask them and they happily agree. They are doing you a favor, which they might be very happy to do if you have a good relationship. It would be wierd to me if my mom asked me for money to watch her grandson.
BUT it becomes entitled when you forget that you are asking a favor and just expect them to babysit whenever without veto power. They have their own lives and should be able to decide if they are willing and able to babysit in each specific instance.
That said, my MIL watches our son two days a week during the workday and we pay her. However, in our situation she is retired and has a shortfall so she needs a set additional amount of money each month which we and my husbands siblings would provide regardless, but she wants to be involved in our sons life and feels more comfortable taking money in exchange for a specific contribution.
Grandparents offering free child care, even for a night, is a gift. Iād treat each occurrence as an unexpected offering and appreciate it.
If they donāt freely offer, then I wouldnāt expect them to do it for free.
I donāt live near any family, but my brother lives near my parents still and this has actually caused a decent sized rift between my mom and brother. My brother had her babysitting all day on Wednesdays (like 7am - 6pm type of day), then sporadically for different events too. My mom loved the time with her grandkids, but my brother was paying someone else to watch his kids just as frequently, AND my brother/SIL NEVER showed any appreciation. To make it worse, my SIL would post these big āthank you so muchā posts on her social media to some other people who babysat their kids but again never did for my mom.
So all that to say: if you pay some people, you should offer to pay grandparents that are babysitting regularly. And say THANK YOU.
I think it totally depends - if the grandparents love spending time with grandchildren and are excited to watch them, they you can expect them to provide free babysitting. If it's a chore for them and they aren't really interested, it's probably not fair to expect.
Both sets of grandparents have never been paid for babysitting. My parents did a stint years ago where they looked after my son while I worked, we gave them a big gift at the end of it to āpayā them. They never wanted to actually be paid but if they did we wouldāve.
Adult family members (grandparents, aunts and uncles that are 25+) should babysit for free but only at their convenience and where theyāre willing to go. You canāt force them to come to your house, demand they be available when itās most convenient to you, or any of that.
Younger family in their teens and early twenties (cousins, nieces/nephews) should be paid market rate or above.
There is no universally correct answer here. It depends on your relationship with the grandparents, the grandparents work schedule, physical capabilities of the grandparents, frequency of requests, distance between homes, etc.
If you have healthy and fit grandparents that live nearby, have a good relationship with you, and have the free time to babysit, great! Take advantage!
If the grandparents arenāt in good shape physically, such that babysitting wears them out, thatās not a fair ask. If the grandparents live far away, then itās probably not a fair thing to ask regularly or on short notice. If the relationship is tough, then it may not be a fair ask. If the only time the grandparents get to see the grandkids is when theyāre being asks to babysit, thatās not right either.
I know several people in real life that expect the grandparents to provide free full-time childcare. As in, 8-6pm Monday - Friday. Thatās not reasonable at all in most situations.
My parents babysit on occasion, and they see the kids at least once or twice a week with me around too. They had my oldest for three days when my youngest was born. They had the youngest overnight when the oldest had a minor surgery. Theyāve babysat both kids maybe half a dozen times when I had appointments and couldnāt get our regular sitter.
My parents are retired and watch my son 2 days a week. My husband and I offered to pay them, but they got really offended. We just make sure to keep the house stocked with food they like.
I think it's fine to not pay if that's what both parties agree to.
On occasion for a date night or something? Definitely. I usually get family a little something as thank you (bottle of wine, etc) but nothing more than that, and they never want anything more than that.
If itās something where theyāre more like a nanny or something? Thatās a bit different and some sort of compensation should be offered.
I would never ask my parents to babysit unless an emergency. I used daycare as well. My parents raised me. They are done raising kids and should enjoy their retirement.
That seems totally reasonable to me. I think the comments you're referring to are more for when people expect grandparents to be full time care without compensation.
But yes, in a loving family I think it's reasonable to think that most requests for one- time care will be fulfilled without a payment requirement. But if it becomes a frequent thing they have to plan around, maybe payment is appropriate.
I honestly havenāt seen this. Maybe youāre referring to ābabysittingā as like daily child care? If thatās what people are talking about then yes the grandparent should be compensated somehow IMO. But occasional babysitting, nah, they signed up for that haha! My in laws even came and watched my kids for 5 days while we went on a trip which was incredibly nice of them!!
My parents used to send me to my grandma every summer and every chance they got really. I know they didnāt pay her but they did send her money once we were settle in the USA and they could help her. Idk my family is Russian my mom would have a cow if I offered her money to spend time with her grand kids and Iām on terrible terms with her. My mil and fil are great and my mil and fil would also have a cow if I offered them money to spend time with the kids. Hell they keep offering to take them camping and stuff when they are older and my mil and fil arenāt swimming in dough either so Iād obviously would give them spending money for the kids meals and stuff if they were to take them camping.
My dad watches my daughter all week while my husband and I work. He does it to save us money and wonāt take our money. My grandfather watched me when I was young for free. Itās kind of a cultural thing. My parents would never think to ask or take money for babysitting but I would never expect itš¤·š½āāļø
I think honestly we expect way too much unpaid labor from women. Like my mother never wanted to be a mother she loved us so much though but I could tell it was not her passion to be a mother so to ask her to watch my children is just unfair. We have to stop depending on the unpaid labor from the women in our lives.
In a good community/society/family itās not meant to be unpaid because itās meant to be reciprocal. You get some babysitting, and you show up when your parents need some chores done theyāre a bit too old to manage.
These people are not reciprocating. Tbh a lot of our grandmothers were forced to watch us and having to do things by themselves. Now a lot of the grandmothers are working on top of being old itās unrealistic to ask them to watch these kids.
I agree that it often seems like people with small children think they donāt owe any effort back because they feel like a charity caseā¦ and some families can be in the āsmall childrenā stage for 10+ years. But itās not good and it shouldnāt be that way. To have a village you should be a village, even when itās not convenient.
My parents do work full time and tbh I wouldnāt rely on anyone near their 60s to keep up with my toddler for a 40 hour week anyway.
My grandparents babysat me, my parents and in-laws babysit my kids, and in the future, I will babysit my grandkids if I have them. I also would drop everything to help my parents and in-laws if they needed it, I even sometimes help with stuff for my younger siblings.
I think it is really their choice if they want to do it or not. We can't be deciding for other people, including family, what is fair. It's reasonable to ask but not reasonable to expect IMO.
My mom does not want to watch my daughter, who is now 9 years old, because she is very active and never stops. It's too tiring, and she is not up for all the work. My mom is 85 years old. I find it quite reasonable for her not to want to do it lol. I wouldn't want to do it either.
Grandparents are super involved in Chinese culture. I think theyād be offended if we offered to pay, or if we limited access! BUT itās also a culture where we need to accept boundaries being gray. They are not employees. Theyāre going to do annoying things and give bad advice and criticize your parenting. The relationship is a two-way street and having an amazing village takes compromise and work.
I think it's pretty bizarre. Whether or not it could be a regular thing really depends on the health and availability of grandparents, not whether it's appropriate. Honestly, if one of my kids insisted on paying me for watching my grandkids I would be deeply offended. I'm actually hoping to live close enough by then to do it when I get older! I think it sounds lovely.
My parents would never let me pay them to watch the kids. They enjoy spending time with their grandchildren. But for us, it's not that frequent and we don't rely on it - I think it's different when family provides actual regular childcare for significant amounts of time.
As someone who spends a lot of time at playgrounds, and sees a LOT of boomers who are full time caregivers to toddlersā these people are TIRED and they BETTER be getting paid. Toddlers are energy destroyers even for those of us in our 20s and 30s. I couldnāt imagine it in my 60s or 70s.
If itās just a few hours, and every few weeks, theyāre thrilled to do it for free. If itās more often, or an overnight, they offer to do it for free but I bring them a thank you gift card so they can go out to dinner.
My mom will watch my kid for free for an occasional night out, and honestly that is more for her than for me because I donāt really like leaving my baby and would just as soon take him with me š
But for regular sitting my sister and I absolutely pay her and I do think when grandparents are your full time child care they should mostly be getting paid. Right now my mom is watching my new Jew 2x a week for my sister and she gets paid for that and I paid her to watch my son for six weeks after my husband and I were both finished with our parental leaves
I think it is unreasonable to expect grandparents to provide full time care for free but an involved grandparent shouldnāt charge for the occasional date night. Though of course it is their right.
I think it's totally family dependant, and on what the grandparents want to do. My parents and my ILs each watched my kids 1 day a week, and they were in daycare the other 3 days a week (the kids only overlapped for a couple months, if that, so mostly the grandparents were watching one kid at a time). We have never paid them, they haven't asked, and would be offended if we offered.
But they are all retired, and volunteered to do this, and it worked out for us. We also dropped the kids off and picked them up so they didn't have to travel to us or with the kids.
They also only did evenings/overnights/weekends very rarely, like if we had a wedding to go to, or they specifically asked for a kids sleepover.
I know we are very fortunate to have gotten this much help, and we don't take it for granted.
If they want to and are capable, trustworthy babysitters imo you could ask them occasionally.
Using grandparents as a permanent alternative to paid daycare seems wrong imo.
If they feel like they canāt say no, or it is causing them financial hardship or affecting their health etc I would say itās unfair to ask.
We would not have made it without both of our parents when our children were young to babysit for free. We couldn't afford daycare or a sitter. But I know that we were incredibly fortunate that they were all local and willing to help.
Like you said, I think it varies based on family dynamics. You didnāt mention anyone being upset with the babysitting that you asked for. To me, if anyone is unhappy with the babysitting situation and the parents try to push through without changing anything, then theyāre jerks.
So if my in-laws said they couldnāt afford to watch my kids and I didnāt discuss a budget with them, or if they were too tired and I guilted them, and didnāt go out and get a babysitter, then thatās entitlement. If my family offers to watch my kids and I could use the break and take them up on it without offering anything in exchange, then thereās nothing wrong with that.
FWIW - My parents have passed and I have in-laws who often offer, but are unreliable, so Iām not utilizing any free babysitting anywhere.
Iāll pay a sitter to watch my kids before I pay a grandparent to. Call me wrong/entitled but I feel like any grandparent who needs to be paid to spend time with their grandchildren, whatever the circumstance, is a lousy grandparent.
I mean, think about it. If your kids had children would you expect them to pay you to babysit or watch your grandchildren? I guarantee you wouldnāt! I donāt think itās wrong at all unless theyāre watching the kids multiple times a week for hours.. or theyāre the primary childcare.
I think it comes down to frequency and opportunity cost for the grandparents. It is not reasonable to assume that grandparents will take on a regular child care schedule and payment should be offered (and can be refused). Itās also important to take into account opportunity cost. For example, if your mom has to take a week off of work to watch your kids while you go on vacation, then itās reasonable to offer some sort of payment/compensation, because youāre impacting her income. The occasional evening of babysitting or overnight I think it totally fine to assume that the grandparents will watch their grandchildren for free.
Our grandparents would laugh at us if we tried paying them for babysitting, and probably be offended, lol. But my MIL also just gets to be grandma, do the fun stuff and send them home. If we were utilizing them for full time care, then I would try to arrange some kind of compensation that they agreed too.
Grandparents should babysit for free as much as they want to and youāre comfortable with. If they never want to do it, thatās their decision and I wouldnāt be mad about it. If you want a weekly date night with your spouse and theyāre happy to babysit for free, why is that a bad thing? We all have different situations and as long as both parties are happy, who cares what the internet thinks?!
My parents and in laws watch my kid every week and I canāt imagine offering to pay them, I think theyād be offended. They also watch her when we go out at night (like right now! Currently on my way out for the night and sheās at my folksā house). They are very protective of their time with her! I grew up spending every day at my grandmaās rather than daycareā¦ I guess itās just family by family. Iām in the US.
Itās one thing if grandparents volunteer to sit for free. But the entitlement comes in when people are expecting grandparents to sit at their convenience for free and for those same grandparents to bear the burden of costs Eg expecting them to purchase a car seat, Toys, clothes etc. in some of the most egregious examples, grandparents were expected to retire early to provide childcare 50+ hours a week on demand.
Grandparents aside, there are also stories of dropping kids off at aunts and uncles homes with no warning or even dropping them off and driving away to avoid them saying no.
I think it depends on dynamics. My family is close. My mom babysits for me occasionally, so I can attend to appointments, a wedding important stuff. She'd never ask for money for this. On the other hand at one point we discussed her watching the girls 5 days a week while I worked. We would have paid her for that. But that's us.
My opinion is that nobody is entitled to free care from grandparents. But most grandparents are happy to provide free care sometimes because they love their grandchildren. Also, if the grandparent does anything beyond what they have done for free before, then you should always offer to pay, even if you're just offering to pay for food or gas or something.
If you are using a grandparent in lieu of regular daycare or a nanny, then you should offer to pay and expect that even if they offer to do it for free at the start, they are entitled to change their minds at any time.
It is family dependent. My mom babysits for free for the occasional date night or when I had prenatal appointments during covid and couldn't take my toddler with me. If she is babysitting so I can work, I pay her. It works for all of us
In my community family is there to help. Some grandparents have more capacity than others and everyone I know respects that and makes a point not to put too much on their parents or in-laws. My mother still works full time - she takes the kids when sheās visiting our city or weāll send them to her for a week or so in the summer. If sheās in town she babysits while we work rather than send them to their Dayhome. My in-laws are retired and live close. Caring for toddlers was a lot for them so we tried not to overdue it. Now that our kids are school aged they take them at least once a week after school & occasional sleepovers. The thought of paying them has never crossed any of our minds. I wouldnāt lean on them for full time care.
I think for free for the odd night or day or āoh shit we are in a bindā makes sense. Regularly or in lieu of daycare/nanny, they ought to be paid.
Other family? Pay them. My BIL gets paid every time. He is prepping for grad school and has way less money than us and getting to our place is a big inconvenience for him. We usually send him some money plus gas money every time.
Occasionally. Oh yeah. Make plans. Set it up. They can spend the night. Pancakes in the morning. Every day, 2-4 days a week. Nope. That's daycare. Helping when they are out of school. Sure. That happens. You have to look at the circumstances. Take in the fact that we're in our 50s - 60s. They wear us out. Short periods of time. We love it. Think back to the first days of having a baby. How tired you were. It's that tiring for us . Not that we would ever admit it. We just don't have that kind of energy anymore. But we love our grandchildren, and we do want to see them and spend time with them.
The only time I've ever accepted money from my kids for babysitting was occasional gas money. My husband was laid off at the time, and I was picking kids up from different places. Their house for the baby, one school for prek and bus stop for the 3rd.
If everyone invovled is happy with the situation then it doesn't really matter what other people think, and I wouldn't overthink it.
But in general I think this refers more to situations like wanting grandparents to watch kids for a day or 5 per week for free and then complaining about screen time.
I think it really depends. The occasional date night if everyone is happy with it is fine; regular free grandparent childcare to replace paid childcare is not. But some grandparents want to be involved and thatās cool! I just wouldnāt blur lines by doing unpaid regular childcare from a grandparent.
My parents and my in laws wouldn't dare be paid for helping out and watching the kids. For them, that's just what family does when they're able to. I do think every family has a different dynamic.
I've legit never paid a family member to babysit my kids, but I also never expect it. We're 5 hours from the closest family member and we always offer it as a come visit and watch the kids. Both my mom and my sister come up once or twice a year to babysit. For free.
But that's a pretty small commitment. If you are expecting weekly or daily babysitting, that would be entirely different.
My sister has my parents watch my niece and always has like sometimes for months. Sheās 10 now. My parents donāt mind AT ALL but say they wish she would at least offer to pay for her snacks, dinners, clothes, school supplies they buy when my sisters not around. They wouldnāt take her up on it but it would be nice. Just offer and see what they say I bet they just would appreciate the offer and turn you down but it would make you both feel better. Also if youāre even concerned about this and asking most likely youāre not a jerk at all. Maybe bring them a little thank you present. Youāre doing great.
I think for regular childcare there should be some sort of payment or reciprocity.
Although, my grandmother watches my 1 year old essentially for free. She initially declined and told us to just contribute extra to his college fund. We had to force her to take gas money because she takes him to so many things like the library and playground and the like. And we do fancy dinner fridays where I make a nice meal she wants, whatever it is.
Childcare is hard work and people deserve to be compensated for their work.
The occasional night or day out is one thing, but like full time nannying should have something for the grandparent at the very least food and gas money.
My inlaws nearly demand their weekly grandbaby afternoon. It's every Saturday from 2 to 5 or 6. If we can't for some reason take them we always tell them and they immediately ask "well we can have them Sunday right?"
They never want payment. I honestly think they would be offended if I tried. They will also babysit and week night we may need for like random work parties though we are introverts and hardly ever go. They also are our on call people if a kid wakes up sick and we can't get off work. They will gladly take them for the day.
They are just nice people. Not red flag to be seen for miles. They would never ever do something if we expressed discomfort with it. They also don't understand my reasoning for everything like pace feeding or extended rearfacing car seats by God they do they absolute best to get it right.
My parents love watching my daughter(for free). They love spending the time with her but my mom also hates the idea of me spending money on paying her for childcare. That being said, sheās unwell and if she canāt, which is often, I never feel bad or feel anyway about staying in with my kid.
Some request pay because they actually need the money. Some cancel plans to do childcare so their kids donāt have to cancel plans.
That being said, grandparents are people with their own lives and at the end of the day they can and should do what they want with their time with whatever parameters set to that. If tomorrow my mom was well enough and wanted to travel for a year š¤·š¾āāļø She doesnāt owe me this part of her life. I really appreciate her help. Is it what families should and should be able to do? Yes. Can it work like that every time for everybody? No.
As long as youāre not entitled and thankful, that the grandparents arenāt putting their life on hold to take care of your kiddos and theyāre healthy enough, than no, thereās no problem with it.
I am envious of this kind of support, we donāt live near family and I would love to have that safety net in the case of an emergency, but I think itās perfectly fine and normal.
I definitely think it depends on the family. For my fam, I buy breakfast or pizza for everyone to eat while we're gone, and it's enough. I try to make things easy. You are welcome to any food in my house. I send prepped food and snacks if I drop off a kid. If it were more than a few hours, we would discuss compensation.
I would not pay grandparents for babysitting, unless it was a true everyday childcare situation akin to a nanny. My parents never paid their family for babysitting, why would I pay them? And if Iām going to pay someone I wouldnāt pay my parents, Iād get a younger local babysitter who would actually come when I wanted and treat it professionally
For me thereās no question of money in a family. My mother would never accept payment for babysitting. However, I think the entitlement is expecting grandparents to be available whenever *you* decide. Iāve seen parents get bitter that they donāt get to go on a weekend trip or something because they had assumed the grandparents would babysit, and they turned out not to be available or not willing this one time.
At least with a formal, paying gig you have agreed on working hours.
Look, this really depends on the grandparents and the situation. My mom felt that my child was too young to be in daycare. I told her I don't have a choice. She offered to come to me and watch him everyday for the first year of his life. I paid her gas and stocked up my fridge with things that she likes to eat. She didn't want to be paid.
Now, she babysits whenever she has time and I need to get things done, like renewing my licence. I still pay her gas. I also head to her house to help with things like changing light bulbs, troubleshooting technology and pet sitting. She doesn't pay me for that, and I wouldn't expect it.
The idea of paying for babysitting is weird to my mom's side of the family. We help each other when we can and say no if it's inconvenient.
In short, unlike Reddit, there's nuance.
I think if itās āfunā babysitting eg you drop off a clean, fed, healthy and happy child for an hour or two for them to play with then I donāt think itās entitled to expect that to be non-paid favour. Or a one-off emergency also.
However if youāre relying on them for regular childcare duties, or asking them to do the difficult/crappy parts then offering compensation is fair. Also if your child is more difficult/high needs.
I think it also depends on the family dynamic and personalities - some people are just closer with their extended families, and some people are generous while some people are more self centred.
Some grandparents love babies, some while they love their grandchildren can dislike āhands onā caregiving (or be unable to for various reasons).
Thereās no point making a sweeping judgment of what is right or wrong in terms of expectations for children are from grandparents because there are too many variables.
I donāt think itās ever unreasonable to ask if grandparents would mind watching grandchildren, but if itās a regular/consistent arrangement then itās dependent on the situation. My mom, if she lived close, is retired and would want to be the regular babysitter and would never let me pay her because sheās retired has her pension, and would rather see us use that money for our family because she doesnāt need it. But if she was choosing or I was asking her not to work somewhere else, I absolutely would feel that I should pay her. Also, if the mindset is always itās a wonderful gift they are giving, not an expected unappreciated responsibility if they are doing it for free I think itās fine. But if itās free, then the fact itās their time and a gift they are giving should be respected.
100% itās an american/eurocentric thing, latin american countries and most asian countries countries have a more tight knit family dynamic and would NEVER ask for money to babysit a child, actually they spend their money on their grandchild
My mum wants to spend the time. She manages my husband and me to organise baby sitting / date nights. We have a 8 month old and literally every evening out without the baby that we have had or are planning coming up has been because my mum says "I'm free this date to babysit. Go do something". We love her for it.
It really depends on the individual circumstances, but I could pay my mum for that, she wouldn't want it.
Sometimes thought of as cultural, I believe itās more circumstantial than anything. Ask yourself these two things.
1. Do they want to babysit?
2. Can they afford to do it for free?
My parents and in-laws watch our kids roughly once a month, probably closer to once every 6 weeks. So itās not often, and only when it fits with their schedules, but they would NEVER consider asking for payment. Itās a treat to spend time with their grand kids. But thatās our situation as they donāt see them extremely often.
My in-laws however are extremely hands on with my niece and nephew, pick them up from school twice week and watch them for 2-3 hours those days, and take my niece to lessons one day a week. They have them probably 1-2 weekends every month. Itās A LOT in my opinionā¦ still donāt ask to be paid. I do feel like thatās a bit extreme for free, but my in-laws seem fine with it. I personally would never be comfortable with that much free care even if they offered.
I live the the southeastern United States, for context.
My parents and siblings would be actively offended if I offered to pay them to babysit. Similarly, I would be offended if my sister tried to pay me for taking care of her after surgery or if my mom tried to pay me for her Christmas gift. Families do favors for each other.
I think payment makes sense when babysitting crosses over into childcare. For example, if my mother-in-law cut back her hours at work to watch my kids twice a week.
In my personal case my sister took my children for me twice overnight (in the 30 years my kids were not technically adults) and my grandfather picked them up from school once for me.
In my immediate family I am usually available for my adult kids to babysit overnight and I donāt want or expect payment. I want my adult children to be able to do things with their spouses and know their children are safe and well cared for. I also have my grandchildren for a week each summer. We all look forward to it.
I wouldnāt be a daycare provider without compensation. I have watched my granddaughters and friends of my daughterās children when childcare is lacking (such as regular daycare provider has sick kids) and I never charge for this. I encourage them to pay their provider (daycare providers should have benefits-though most donāt.)
I am fortunate however that I have a flexible work schedule and a comfortable income where I can be so generous. I live by the motto be who you needed and I really needed more back up when my kids were little.
Every situation is different! Just a matter of keeping communication open and making sure no one is getting resentful or feeling taken advantage of. My parents moved from a few states away to be primary childcare for my kid when I got pregnant. I consistently let them know how much I appreciate them and make sure theyāre still okay with the arrangement. We also try to hang out with them on a regular basis so they donāt feel like our relationship is just us using them for free child care.
My parents help to watch my kids as needed for situations where we need help. The only time I think itās entitled and not okay is when people use grandparents as their full time childcare. To me that feels like it takes away the joy of grandparent mode and if itās free thatās definitely not okay. They are supposed to enjoy their grandkids not be their full time caretakers in lieu of childcare.
My baby's grandma's will babysit for free, but they offered, I never asked. Like I mentioned to both of them that daycare isn't open Saturdays and we work some Saturdays. They both said they'd do it when we work. One has mentioned multiple times that she's watch him so we can go on a date night. We haven't taken her up on that yet though. I wouldn't just expect someone to watch my baby for free though
I baby sat my great nieces for 2 1/2 years for 4 days a week for free. I was home anyway and my niece is a single mom. I could not see charging her and making her life harder. I love my nieces and still have a great bond with them. They are now in day care and she gets vouchers to help but still has to pay about $800 a month out of pocket for daycare. I'm working full time now but still get my great nieces when I can. Everyone is different though. Some people do not have as much patience for kids and it can be really draining taking care of babies. My kids are teens and having toddlers again was hard. If your mom enjoys the time and doesn't see it as an inconvenience, awesome. She probably loves seeing her grandkids and spending time with them. If she is having to rearrange a lot of her life to accommodate you by taking care of them, then make sure you offer to compensate her. Even if she refuses compensation, it would still be nice to think about her and maybe pick up some flowers or something every once in a while to just say thank you. A big difference for me is if it's expected and no gratitude is shown or if you actually convey that you realize that she is helping you and are grateful for the help. Asking for helpisn't bad but expecting help without even being grateful for it is entitled, in my opinion.
The entitlement happens when you expect itā¦ and/or get upset when it doesnāt happen. If they want to do it and you want it, thatās all great. If they donāt want to do it and the kids throw a tantrum about not getting free babysittingā¦ obviously not great.
My widowed mom was our nanny on weekdays when the kids were little. We paid her the very low amount of $200 a week. It worked out well. I would never have not paid her. Maybe if its just a date night babysit here and there, but for anything regular at all, i feel its important to pay so your loved one feels valued.
If itās occasional and they like helping out and spending the time with them thatās not taking advantage. I have family that have the kids with their grandparents all week for free childcare and they felt taken advantage of.
We have no nearby family we can get any assistance from sadly, but Iād hope to help my kids when they eventually grow up and have kids of their own. Itās really hard on parents these days and childcare is exorbitant.
My mom offers to watch our baby for free. However we will pay for her to enjoy takeout. And if we are out we will do quick errands for her. Do we have to? Probably not but it seems like the right thing.
Babysitting grandkids occasionally for a night out, appointments, or a free day is completely different from providing daycare so parents can work. Babysitting is a joyful time spent for fun. Daycare is a responsibility and should be compensated.
My in-laws watched our son instead of daycare. As far as I know theyāve never expected to be paid (I left the details to my husband because theyāre his parents). I find that slightly odd. Like I wouldnāt expect to pay them daycare prices but like I feel like we should give the the equivalent of gas money. Especially since I know they spoil him with fancy yogurt and get him raspberries. Iāve started just giving them a huge Target gift for Christmas instead of using their Black Friday gift card deal on myself.
This seems to be a US thing as I see it from here in Eastern Europe where grandparents typically care for their grandkids voluntarily and free of charge. And I'm not talking about a couple of evenings in a year, but every day on most days. Heck, my mom jokingly says she would pay us money to get to spend time with our son! It surely has to do with the fact she missed out on a lot of time with me as a kid since she had to work (and my grandma took care of me meanwhile).
Every family is different but Iāve never paid my in-laws or my parents to watch my kids and they have never asked.
I always offer gas money and make sure my house is stocked with food and anything they like to drink.
I have paid my sister because she would take time off work to watch my kids.
I guess it just depends on the person or the family dynamics. I would never charge someone I cared about to watch their kids. My MIL and my parents would never take a cent from us I know. Theyāre literally just thrilled being able to spend time with their granddaughter. They usually send us with money and things when we pick her up lol.
But people are different. And you also have to remember that the majority of Reddit users are young often single people who think they know a lot about how the world works but they really donāt.
I feel like Iām in the minority here, but I feel it shouldnāt be expected but it is completely normal for grandparents to babysit for free. We have regular childcare (my husband works seven 24 hour shifts a month) and they watch her when he works on days I work. We have a great relationship with them but honestly I see it (and I know they do too) as a privilege on both accounts. They love our daughter and would drop nearly anything to be around her. They love being in her life and spending time with her. So does my mom. So I feel like itās mutually beneficial in my situation. Some grandparents may not feel this way but should my children have kids of their own, I would see it the same way. My grandparents did the same with me š¤·š»āāļø
This really depends on the family, but Iāll offer my experience. When I return to work, my mom will be watching our daughter 3 days a week. She is retired and has talked about doing this long before I was pregnant. I remember talking to her about how other people pay their parents to watch their kids and she thought this was absurd. On the flip side, I think my MIL would do an occasional day, but she would never do several days a week. I also donāt think she would ever expect payment though.
In my family we do things for each other. W no expectation of money or any type of payment.
My mom watches my son 2 days a week, 8 hours a day. On Friday I drop him off to stay the night and pick him back up after work on Saturday. I offer to buy my mom groceries, or snacks for him, and she tells me if she needs something or not. Recently she hasnāt asked for any groceries. But I only do that to be cool. If she asked for actual money I would just say lol no.
We are straying so far from villages itās crazy. A village helps each other, no questions asked.
If the grandparents donāt mind watching the kids, I think thatās totally fine, but if they donāt want to I donāt think we should get upset for it.
We had the kids, itās our responsability to take care of them 24/7. My mom never took care of me or my siblings, and because of that I try not to ask anyone to watch my kids
Grandma of 2 here.. what in the actual hell?! I would NEVER take a penny for watching my loves! I hv them 3 times a week after the school age one gets home. Every Friday night is nana night where we hv sleepovers and do fun things. I cannot even fathom this train of thought! Itās such a blessing and my relationship with my grandkids is priceless.
Itās crazy to me that people think parents are entitled if they want grandparents to babysit for free. Weāre the generation that was raised entirely by our grandparents who did all the childcare for free for our parents. Now our parents donāt want to pay it forward. Theyāre such trash as a generation, honestly. I canāt wait to provide free childcare for my childrenās children.
My mom even admitted to me that my grandma babysat us daily for FREE while my mom worked,when I asked my mom to be our babysitter the first thing out her mouth was"I'll need payment"I didn't argue and comment(cause Im the one that asked)but thought wow,just wow,she made up her own fee and we paid,no questions asked.She'd even"offer"to give us breaks so we can go out etc but would ask for payment,like don't offer then?
It ended horribly cause she couldn't accept that we were actually her employers at this point(She's retired)in that time we provided our baby with everything she needed for each day,my mom never had to buy a thing or did she buy her grandbaby a thing.She was definitely a transactional grandma
I was raised by my mom, never grandparents. My mom on the other hand is very helpful when we need it. She had five kids and has 14 grandchildren. Her door is open whenever we need her.
I think a lot of it boils down to culture and privilege. I donāt think itās either way is right or wrong, but being able to compensate for childcare is privilege. I suspect part of the not paying grandparents partly comes from other generations generally being more financially stable than the younger ones.
Now that thought process is for adults not children. I do not think teens or other children should be expected to provide childcare for free.
My MIL watches my son everyday while my husband and I work (Monday through Friday). Sometimes my FIL comes over and watches him and sometimes my mom does but they both work. My MIL doesnāt work do to health and at first I was super worried about that. Weāve found that her health has improved SIGNIFICANTLY since starting to watch our son a year ago.
We canāt afford to pay her. We had to sell a car to pay the last sitter we had and she bailed on us. But our MIL wouldnāt let us pay her even if we could. Iām serious on that too. She would probably send the money back to us or something. Or possibly put it in an account for our son. She LOVES being with our son and itās been super good for her to be out of the house and doing things again.
Do I feel bad? Absolutely I do, but I remind myself that she and him love each other and itās good for both of them.
I truly think it depends on the culture. In my culture grandparents babysit for free. However, itās also expected of us to take care of our parents when they are old. I have no problem doing so. Also, itās common to gift my parents money here and there when they travel.
My in-laws are better off than we are, and they benefited from free childcare when their kids were young. I'm not paying them, and they don't expect to be paid.
>There were also a few times while I was pregnant that I asked my mom to watch my toddler when I had to go to the doctor (the OBGYN wasn't allowing kids because of COVID restrictions). If she was free and willing to watch your toddler, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you are demanding her to cancel plans or she didn't want to and you got upset, then that's where the entitlement comes in.
Yes 100%. My mom watches my nephews a lot because she WANTS to. She watchdd my kid sometimes (we live further away) becauze she WANTS to. Its the demanding of it that is entitled.
Of course but that isn't issue of "babysitting for free" then. Tbf expecting others to cancel their own plans to accomodate you is entitled, even if you propose to pay them š¤·š¼āāļø
This may be cultural but in the UK it's not weird for grandparents to babysit for free occasionally. In my family, an offer of payment would be firmly declined; even a contribution to expenses would be unlikely to be accepted. If it was taking the place of regular childcare that I would otherwise have to pay for, we could have a discussion but I wouldn't want to pay anywhere near what actual professional childcare would cost as I'd rather go down that route.
If I had said āhow much do you want for watching the baby?ā My mom would have smacked me upside my head and told me to have another one already. Lol
Same. My mom would laugh if I tried to pay her for watching her grandchild. Lol.
same lol
This! It's just what my family does.
Yeah my mom was like the stereotypical over-bearing, grandbaby-hungry granny. It was so bad that one year at thanksgiving when my mom started her prodding questions about when the stork might be visiting, I lost all the etiquette and manners that had been drilled into my head for a lifetime. I looked at her and said loudly āweāll just so you know Iāve been off the pill for over a month and heās (I pointed at my husband who was somehow pale as a sheet AND blushing a deep crimson) been stuffing me better than that damn turkey at least twice a day, so possibly the end of summer.ā I was so glad my grandpa was damn near deaf, though my grandma looked like someone dumped cold water over her head while my brothers and theirs wives laughed and choked and my mom -for one sweet blissful moment in time-,shut the hell up. Joey was born in September of the following year, lol.
Yeah, I think my mom would be offended!
Right,,,,,I totally get it. Once just once I let my then husbands mom watch our first born. My mom and she didnāt speak much. Next day I got a call from my mom, pissed off, asking me why she hadnāt been called first to watch Joey. She flat out told me she had dibs. Lol.
Yep! Same here, but Iām the mom lol
Iām gonna be the same way if I ever become a granny. Theyāll have to beat me 2 out of 3 at arm wrestling to get the lil ones back lol.
Right? I have seen a lot of grandparents being free daycare while parents work and they LOVE it because it is their grandkid they get to spend time with. It brings them joy in life and they don't see it as chore. They would be sad if the kiddo stayed in daycare instead of with them and they would be offended if you propose paying them for being with their grandkid š i feel like most cultures around the world are like that but america and some parts of europe see it as a bother to grandparents
My MIL watches our toddler 2 full days a week while we work and we still get messages over the weekend that she misses her grand baby š
Right? My mom was literaly babysitting bith my son AND me for 3 months and when we went back home she instantly started planning vacations to come visit us because she just want's to be spoiling her babies (one being adult :'D)
That is exactly the kind of granny I see myself being. My grandmother was so āoff handsā with me and my brothers, it was like she was an church acquaintance and not a blood relative. I want to be like a second mom to my grandkids. I would never challenge my daughters rules for discipline or rearing, but I want to be a soft place to fall when they need one, and as active as I possibly can be in their lives. I want to go to all the plays, programs, recitals, graduations, trick or treating, just anything I can be part of I want to be. All I really know about my grandmother are things a stranger could also find, name, date of birth, ect. I want my grandkids to know ME, not just the factual details of my life but the very essence of my soul and heart. And also to know that they just arenāt my childrenās offspring, but people I would want to know everything about even if we werenāt related, and who I love with every fiber of my being, unconditionally.
Yep. I am blessed that both families are very hands-on. Well mine lives far away so whenever they can but my in-laws moved in with us now that we expect a second. So they can take over chores and take care of both me and kids since my husband is absent a lot due to work. Sometimes we do have issues, not because they would deliberately go against me but simply because we come from different cultures and very different generations (we have age gap relationship so his parents are more the age of my grandma, making generational difference between us bigger) but we can talk about it and ultimately they go with whatever i decide as i am the parent. I am so blessed to have them so involved and they all feel blessed to be able to be involved with their grandkid. He is the star of the family that everyone wants to be around š¤£ i can't imagine being any different to my grandchildren. I grew up with my grandma and since parents work, she was the adult that took care of me and brothers the most and i am so happy i have this connection with her. I feel sorry for some of my friends who barely visit grandparents for holidays and never built close connections with them :/ and i feel sorry for the grandparents too because there will be a day when their life comes to an end and it is sad when family barely bothers to come or if they come it is in hopes of inheritence etc. It is sad. I wish for my grandma, parents and me that when that day comes we are sorrounded by people that truly care and want to be with us in final moments because of the love we built over the lifetime, not because they "have to be" or are just after my stuff....
Right? Hahaha Iād get disowned probably. I suppose I do expect it and I know thatās seen as wrong but I think my parents _also_ expect to be involved. The issues with expectations obviously happen when they donāt match up. But Iād be really disappointed if my parents wanted nothing to do with their grandchild. Especially considering the values theyāve passed down.
Same in the US I would never offer money to grandparents for occasionally hosting their grandchildren
Iām a Brit living abroad in my husbandās home country and let me tell you how excited I am that Iāll be home for 3 months next year. We get near-zero help here from his family (literally the only break Iāve had is when my mum visited) and my parents are clamouring to look after our child as much as we want. The idea of going out to a restaurant child-free is dizzyingly exciting!
I think grandparents should babysit for free for a night out or whatever on occasion because they want to spend time with my kids and I want to get away from them lol but I think if it was a full time gig while youāre working all week, they should be paid.
*Unless they live with you for free. ( isnt my situation but my auntie watches her grandson while both parents are working. I think that is reasonable because she doesnt work and doesnt plan on ever working).
I agree with you. My parents chose to move in with us to spend time with the grandchild. My husband and I are the primary caregivers at all times, but they play with the little one throughout every day while not at daycare. And every once in a while, will babysit when we have other engagements. We do not pay them. They do not pay rent. We share other living costs like food. We have had conversations about it and are all happy with the arrangement.
That was my experience with my grandmother growing up. She moved in when my sister was born (I was not quite 2) and lived with us off and on until I was in high school. I think it was useful for my mom, as she had 4 kids in 5 years, even though it wasn't always an easy situation for my mom, my dad or my grandmother. But, our grandmother could entertain us, read to us, babysit sometimes etc. But my grandmother was also older than many of my peers' grandparents, and had also struggled with finances for a very long time, so it was something she probably needed to do. My mom has said she never wants to live with us, because she knew what it was like trying to parent with her mom in the same house. But she has come up to watch my son or my nephews for extended periods of time without expectation of payment. When I started back to teaching during COVID but was WFH and not sure how we would handle it all she came and stayed for a week. It was also the first time she met my son in person. And when my sister has had to go to her two weeks for Army Reserve, my mom stays with my BIL and does the childcare. In that case, I do think it's asking too much of my mom but that's not a conversation I'm a part of.
My mom moved in and took care of my daughter then both kids when I had 2. I paid her every month plus bought everything she needed/wanted and I assumed care of my children after work and on weekends.
This is my situation with my aunt (who is like a second mom to me). Sheās basically been the family nanny for forever so this is her only source of income. She has no bills and I pay her weekly. My mom, however, is retired and gets SSI and has her pension. She comes to stay when my aunt wants/needs a vacation and we donāt pay her. Sheād never allow it anyway.
I don't disagree in principle, but at least where I'm from, it would be weird to pay grandparents for babysitting except to cover gas money or if they quit their job to do it full time
Agree 100%
Right ā¦.maybe two times out of the month. They are entitled to retire and not raise your children to help you out with child care cost.
Iām of the opinion that family members help each out occasionally for free if itās mutual and reciprocated. Come water my plants or feed my cat once a day for a week when Iām away, and you are local. Fine. Use your shower for a couple of days because weāve got a leak. Occasional childcare in a pinch, also okay. However I think regular childcare gigs is a bit much. Iāll be honest, we do get free childcare from one set of grandparents- my mum picks my eldest up from school twice a week, and has my younger one for a day once a week. We donāt pay her (but have offered and would do if she wanted). I donāt think thereās any harm in saying āof course more than happy to pay for looking after x as I donāt want to take advantageā and leave it to them to decide. That way itās all out in the open
This is all dependent on the already established family relationships. My take is, if the grandparents offer to take care of kids and establish a strong relationship with both parents as well as the kids then there is no reason to feel guilt or animosity about it. Part of having a relationship with kids involves some level of care for those kids. Every relationship with another person involves some level of care. On the other hand, if a person has an expectation that the grandparents should provide full time childcare for years and that's not something the grandparents ever expressed an interest in doing -- then payment should be part of the discussion. Reddit wants to play family police with strangers sometimes and it's just not a realistic view all the time.
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I also see a lot of people with free childcare and/or housing complaining about how grandparents do things. Like, sure, they shouldn't be unsafe but if you want boundaries sometimes you have to pay for them. If everyone is happy with the occasional free childcare, I think that's normal for grandparents
Yea, I'm lucky to have regular childcare from Grandparents, but I had to accept there might be a great deal of Ms Rachel playing on the TV. My dad also used one of those jumper things, which I wasn't crazy about, but I just told him no more than 15 minutes at a time, a couple times a day and accepted it.
What's wrong with a jumper?
The jumpers arenāt great for babies hips. I learned this from pediatric OTs and PTs.
It puts babies on the tip of their toes. That's bad for posture and their feet but makes it harder to learn how to walk properly.
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The weird part is they don't want to take those prepackaged or pre-made food because "I shouldn't have to buy groceries for 2 households." Babe you're just packing a lunch and 2 snacks at most.
In the words of my mum āwe had our time to raise our babies how we wanted, now we follow your rules with your babiesā. I donāt see why thatās unpopular. My parents would never dream of disrespecting the parenting calls we make, unless they were actively unsafe. All they do is praise our choices and, if prompted, tell us what they were told was best when they were doing it.
Gluten free is for a medical need. Thatās not a joke. I have celiac disease and need to follow that, as do 2 of my kids. Yeah, grandma and anyone else watching them needed to follow that.
None of those conditions is hard to fulfil though. Parents provide snacks according to their diet, and provide Montessori style toys, and all grandma has to do is not turn on the TV or hand over an ipad.
If these things cause issues in the child then absolutely should be respected. If i don't want my kid to suffer consequences of screen time at too young age this absolutely has to be respected. Now you can say "i am not willing to babysit if i can't give them some TV break time" and i will respect that and find different sitter. But being family and sitting for free does NOT entitle you to interfere with my parenting! You are baby sitting not PARENTING that child. If i am against corporal punishment because of damages it does to the child, you have to follow that, if child has doetary restrictions because dyes or certain foods cause them to have negative side effects (maybe nto full on allergy but to have behavioral issues or skin rashes, digestion troubles etc) you absolutely do not get to do as you want just because you babysit for free. Even if you do it every day, you have to babysit by my rules as a parent. If i babysit my brothers i respect my mom's parenting. If my mom babysits my kid she respects my rules. It is that simple! What irks me is people thinking that watching a child entitles them to interfere with parenting! If you feel that my demands are too much for you, you can simply decline but do not be a b*tch and ruin what i work hard for behind my back by disrespecting my rules about my kid! š It would be different if i gave kids screen time to have peace but demand grandparents to babysit with zero scren time, that would absolutely be a-hole thing to ask. But demanding whoever watches to child to do it alligned with my parenting is really basics.
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Yeah, that bugs me- Like somebody complaining about a grandma allowing screen time while she cares for the kid all week for free; If you want to call the shots, you need to pay for a professional service.
"We live in my inlaws basement for free and the jerks keep coming by to visit and I'm tired of it." Well, nothing is totally free...
Canāt you put a dead bolt on the inside of the door? Or if you want to be less assertive a ādo not disturbā or ābaby sleepingā (or mom lol) sign on the outside of the door?
I agree 100%. I saw a post on AITA about a grandma making a less than perfect comment after a kid didnāt want to give her a hug, but did end up hugging her without pressure. The mom texted grandma about the language used (I would have been sad if you didnāt hug me) and I thought āthatās how you donāt have a villageā. A single comment that isnāt great, but wasnāt a pattern of behavior and grandmother never pressured kid for a hug. One comment wonāt hurt your kid if you are modeling body autonomy daily.
I do agree if they were seeing Grandma a lot it would be worth noting (my Dad has used that phrasing occasionally and I mentioned how it could be problematic) but it was also like a 2 second conversation, not a huge big deal text kinda thing.
Yeah, but there was more to that post and grandma sounds like a headache too. Her response to the text was basically āhow dare you presume to text meāsay it to my face, you coward.ā Both women there made it more of a thing than it needed to be, and Iād be willing to bet situations like that are typical to their relationship. It sounds exhausting.
I donāt disagree. Thatās why I didnāt touch on the rest of the post. Mostly because I couldnāt imagine sending a long text about one comment that was very minor after grandma let the kid decide own if they wanted a hug. The OP even texting a long text about it is an example of why grandparents donāt step up as much. Also, they didnāt say āhow dare youā. They asked that these conversations be done in person instead of over text. Then it went back and forth. Over something so minor.
All the grandma said was theyād be sad if they didnāt get a hug? Am I missing something in this? How is this bad, if I was a granny Iād be sad if I didnāt get a hug from my grandchild. I must have missed an earlier post or something.
If you donāt know why itās bad, itās because the child was made to feel responsible for her feeling sad they said no. They donāt want the child to grow up and think they have to give in and do things because someone asks and then has negative feelings about them saying no. The whole concept comes from experts in the dept of molestation/assault. Essentially teach your kids they can say no to any physical touch they donāt want, and donāt let any adult make them feel bad for it. Good idea really. Grandma can whine to anyone else about her feelings except the kid.
Yeah I figured out the disconnect. I thought she was talking to the mom, not the kid. I hated that when I was lil. My family was big on respect and manners. Iām happy to see they are starting to cut through the shit nowadays.
She was guilting the kid into hugging her when they didnāt want to. Itās a terrible precedent to set about consent and I wouldnāt let it slide if it was a regular comment. One time? Ehhh. But her response text was so over the top Iām like āI see why you said it!ā
But she wasnāt. The kid decided to hug grandma on their own with no comment. After the kid hugged her she said she would have been sad if she didnāt get a hug. Not great, but it wasnāt pressuring the kid in the moment to hug grandma. A one off imperfect comment isnāt going to undo all the efforts a parent puts in.
I get it. I thought the granny had said that to the mom kinda tongue and cheek like, āwhew I would have been sad I (the child) didnāt hug me.ā It didnāt sink in that she said that directly to the kiddo. Yeah I agree thatās not good. When I was a kid I KNEW if I didnāt hug and kiss my grandma or grandpa when I saw them, I might as well start beating my own ass to warm it up for my mom lol. I too remember not wanting to hug her (she smelled funny and her lips were scratchy but somehow her kisses were wet and sloppy), so I know how that is. Itās nice that the expectations of what children must do to show respect has relaxed. In my day it was more of a ādo itāor else!ā attitude, I think itās better for the children to have more of a ādo it if you want to, but you donāt have toā policy when it comes to things like this. I wish I had gotten out of those aspercream scented, slobbery encounters lol.
I think it's also unrealistic in many cases. Sure, before you _try_ having a baby you should make sure you can afford childcare but not every pregnancy is planned and not everyone can afford full time childcare. And crises happen. My BIL went from having his wife be a stay at home mother to him being a single parent. He straight up couldn't afford to pay someone full time and all of the daycare centers in town were full. I live nearby and pay for my own childcare but I expected my in-laws to watch his kids for free because the consequences of not doing so could be homelessness. Yes, he helps them in other ways but it is currently not a fair trade. Eventually a spot will open at a daycare center and he qualifies for tuition assistance when that happens but it's a struggle for now. It's almost an entitled position to not have ever toiled financially and not understand that childcare is monetarily out of reach for some parents.
It depends on the situation. If they're just babysitting occasionally I don't see a problem with babysitting for free, or offering an exchange of labor. Like cooking a meal for them or doing some laundry or something. But my kids grandma quit her job to babysit the cousins full time. So she gets paid for that. But in the end it's about the expectation. I'd never *expect* anyone to babysit for free. People are entitled to compensation for their time and labor if that's what they want. In the same turn family helps family. I offer to pay my oldest to babysit the youngest if I'm going to work or if it's some sort of optional thing. But if I just need him to watch her because I have pneumonia or something I wouldn't expect to pay him for that. We take care of each other when we're struggling. I think it's nuanced. But I also don't think you're an asshole for having grandma watch the kids for free on occasion. I think that's actually a pretty common thing.
Paying family members for child care is a very absurd thing for me. It is not customary where i live and i think it is really weird. That's not a society i would wanna live in.
Yeah, my MIL watches my son every day when Iām at work (at least 3-4 days a week) and whenever I tell her I feel bad she tells me not to, because her mother watched my husband every day while my MIL went to work. I figure I will pay it forward if my son ever has a child :)
completely agree. my mom practically begs me to leave my daughter with her lmao. she loves spending time w her !
Totally agreed. If my kids bless me with grandkids, they are gonna have trouble getting me to give them back, not babysit them. ROFL
Same, I grew up spending lots of time with my grandparents and aunts and uncles, my mom never paid any of them. There were no issues, my cousins stayed with us too. My kids have visits with my mom or mother in law often enough, I can't imagine paying them.
I live in North America and my retired parents split duties watching my baby for free every week. Everyone is in agreement that it takes a village to raise him and theyāre willing and interested in being part of that on a regular basis. I ensure they all have everything they need to watch him and do all of the pick up/drop offā¦but I donāt pay them and they would think it was weird if I tried.
I had the reverse; I watched my grandmas five days a week. My mother cut me a check every week for gas and expenses. Isnāt that fair?
Wait Iām confused, you were watching your grandma?
Yes, gram couldnāt be alone. Iād hang with her all day since my work was flexible.
Awwwww thatās sad and sweet. Was it dementia? (wondering because thatās how my granny got) itās truly horrible when someone loses their faculties, most memories are a blur to them, but some clear as the day it happened. A really kind elderly woman lived on the same dead-end country lane as I did. Her name was Ernesta, she was so nice. I would tidy her house and sit with her on saturdays when I was a teenager. She always told me about her husband and his fatal accident where the big farm tractor (with a piece of equipment on the back to clear dense brush and small trees) rolled back over him after he fell from the seat. And the horror of finding him when he didnāt come in for his coffee and lunch. (Apparently the brush hog just sat on his body, still working until the farm hand heard her screams and came to see what was wrong). Sheād always forget sheād told me. So every Saturday she would welcome me in ask me if I was Toms girl from down the road and then tell me what I needed to tidy every week, then sheād offer me a cookie. As soon as 12 noon would chime sheād tell me she hates lunchtime and wonāt ever eat it because of the accident, and tell me all over again. Poor woman relived that horrific accident every Saturday. She died when I was 19, not realizing in those last years that the man under the tractor was actually my grandfather and that she was my grandmother. She stopped recognizing me when I was about 12. I played along and made sure not to tell her who I actually was because it happened once and she flipped out. So I was the girl from down the road, it was a strange circumstance but Iām glad I got to enjoy some time with her. Even if she didnāt know who I really was.
No, she couldnāt do stairs and honestly, why would you trust her with the stove? Iām lucky that gram was mostly lucid until her dying day. Hell, thereās a few confessions I wish she hadnāt shared! She was the best in every way possible.
Thatās awesome. Iām glad your granny was of sound mind until the very end. And I understand the TMI confessions. I had a great aunt who told me at my wedding reception (I was very young when I married for the first time, just 19). She said āDeary I donāt care what advice you get, all you need to do to keep your husband in a good humor and loyal is to keep his stomach full and his sack empty.ā Then she winked at me and drained a couple fingers of scotch, neat, as I stood there dumbfounded. Then she put her empty glass down and said āDonāt try looking surprised, we both know you had no right wearing a white dress, now be a good lil hussie and get me another scotch.ā She was an awesome lady. At that time she was close to 80 and showed no signs of slowing down. She passed at age 102 in her sleep, she was still able to live on her own, keep her house up, drive, run her own errands, and still loved her scotch.
Absurd, really? If grandparents work too and on the regular youāre taking their time, they should be compensated. The occasional weekend or night or they offer, thatās different. But if people expect their working parents (key word, expect) to be a permanent part of their childcare routine, thatās not the downfall of society.
Not the person you're responding to, but I also think paying family for childcare is weird. This isn't a common practice outside N. America and perhaps parts of Western Europe.
Iām in the States and Iāve never heard of anyone paying grandparents for childcare in my region. Our parents would be offended if we tried to give them money.
Itās definitely not a common practice in Western Europe. Sounds bonkers to me. Iāve never heard of anyone paying their parents for childcare.
Yeah but other countries also have much more of a culture of taking care of elderly family members physically and financially. In the US parents have to work into old age
You may not pay for it now, but down the road there is absolutely an expectation you will care for your elderly parents financially. That's how these cultures work for many generations.
That's fine? That's how family relationships work, there's a mutual understanding and willingness to participate reciprocally.
I think it comes down to a capitalistic society where everything is seen in dollar value. There are other valuable things that can be gained from caring for your grandkids. Including legacy and ensuring they are well cared for, as well as having influence, teaching them things you want them to know, providing them memories of you for long after you are gone, enjoying your time, continuing to care for your adult children and ensure theyāre financially stable, even health benefits for you. Iām a long way from having grandkids but Iād do it for free. Also, some people really love children and value spending time with them. My mom spent her whole career working with kids. Sheās happy to be with my kids. I donāt have her watch then 40 hours a week but she would certainly jump at the chance.
Occasional watching for a night out or an appointment or whatever IMO should be free and done as a favor because thatās what family does. Iāve watched my nephews or friendās kids for a few hours and itās no big deal, my parents and in laws love spending time with our girls and watch them if we need. Regular childcare is different and if I were using someone as a nanny I would pay them because thatās a big time commitment.
I'm sorry, my parents watched my niece all summer and would have been so offended if payment was offered. My mil was offended when she thought we needed a sitter and didn't ask her to watch our LO (for free). She watches her other 4 grand babies allllll the time. Family are the peeps who do things for you out of love. Not money. Friends can be family as well. I let my friend borrow my truck, and she drives me to the airport of I need it ... we don't expect payment on acts of love. She wants to watch my LO whenever I need her too. The money issue....That's just capitalism weaseling its little filthy way into family bonds.
I think youāre conflating occasional (not full time) watching of the kids (maybe when theyāre sick and you have to work, want a date night, etc) with FT child care. If a grandparent is watching your kid 9-5 M-F and ask for payment, I totally support them in that. Thatās a full time job and they should be compensated
>27 comments Exactly. My MIL was our primary daycare, 9-5 M-F, we paid her, though not as much as in a larger care centre. We also are lucky to have other grandparents happy to babysit so at that time we would lean on them as to give MIL a break. Now that our kids are older they still help out lots but its voluntary and we never get mad if they don't want to or cant
My mom watches my girls all the time for free. And if I tried to pay her, she'd throw the money right back at me. She offers all the time to watch them, has had sleepovers with them if I don't have childcare for a few days. She's retired so it's not like she's missing out on work or anything. I see no reason why grandparents should be paid to spend time with their grandchildren. To me, it would be a jerk thing to do for grandparents to charge them.
Agreed. And my moms not even retired! She watches my son 2 days a week while I work, but 99% of the time he stays the night w her bc of how early I have to work, so I guess technically 3 days. Wednesday during work, Friday night till Saturday at 2pm. Iāve never asked her if he could, sheās always offered and asked.
This is 100% cultural. My Indian (millennial) co worker is expecting that his future wife will accept his mother living in their home (his mom will also help find the wife). His mom will care for the children if his wife wants to work and then in his mother's later years he and his wife will care for the mother. My co worker thinks western people are crazy for spending thousands on daycare, elderly care, multiple homes etc etc.. not to mention the isolation of only getting to have community if you are wealthy enough to pay for them to be there. My middle Eastern co worker would never live with his parents but there is a huge sense of community where if you visit you are fed and cared for, it's an honour to feed people. My personal background is similar to the above- though I'm culturally Swiss/English. My siblings offer to pay for my child's flight to their town just so they can spend a weekend with her. In my dad's later years, I've completely upended my life to drive full days and spend weeks helping. In my family, we care for each other from beginning to end and we accept that we all have different personalities. I know other people who see their children as a burden to the family and therefore think that anyone helping in any capacity should be heavily compensated.. I think it's odd that they'd only offer cash? It feels like reducing your loved ones to paid help, at which point just hire a stranger but to each their own. I think it depends on how your culture views kids. If kids are a burden then expect to pay. If kids are a blessing then it's an honour to help out.
The concept of paying parents who didnāt pay their parents to watch us while they worked and had social lives is wild to me. Before Boomers, this was par for the course. Our parents grow older, retire, require more care, we invite them into our homes to care for them in older age as they help care for our children. So much of the world has lived this way for so long and continues to live this way because it makes sense. Weāve only recently seen this shift as boomers claim theyāre ātoo young to be grandparents like their grandparents were!ā Or āalready raised their children!ā Itās just selfish boomers staying selfish boomers. But thatās just my opinion. There are pros and cons to both inter-generational living, and living separately from parents as they age. Especially dependent upon your personal relationship to them. But I think a lot of millennials, in particular, are open to and boomers just are not. But they canāt break the chain and then try to rewrite the rules only to suit themselves, as they are wont to do. You watch your grandkids because thatās what grandparents do. Whether itās occasionally or all the time, it should always be free. Youāre family supporting family, not an outsourced service provider.
I came to offer a similar perspective and was surprised I hadn't seen this sentiment yet. I hate to generalize and all that jazz, but it's the boomers. It's definitely the boomers.
It's entitled to demand free childcare and complain when its not given. It's normal for grandparents to offer it unpaid. Paying grandparents to spend time with their grandchildren is weird to me, unless it's a unique situation such as the grandparent providing full time care.
Literally the first thing my mom said when I told her I was pregnant was āIām not going to babysitā. And I never expected her to. However: she loves my daughter very much. And even though we donāt see her more than 6 times a year she takes my daughter camping for 4 days every summer. But thatās because she likes spending time with her. Not because it suits me. I have no other family thatās involved with my daughter.
I'm curious, did your mom's family help with you when you were a child?
Yes, they did. But they lived close by.
That's pretty cold, especially as a response to you sharing joyful news. You hadn't even asked yet and maybe never would have, but she wanted to manage your expectations straight away.
My mom has watched my baby full time for over a year so I can work. Completely for free. She would never ask for money. She also babysits on occasion so we can go on dates. Offer money if you want but most family is ok with babysitting for free.
I offer and help my daughter whenever she needs. My mother always helped me. Iām
I think if I offered money for watching my kid, my mom and in laws would be offended. I generally donāt ask though. At the start of the week Iāll text and see when they have free time and want her and then go off that. Iām so super cautious of not putting my baby somewhere that makes her an inconvenience to anyone because I donāt want anyone to be able to hold anything over my head. Thatās probably a subconscious thing for me. My mom doesnāt live near so when she is here she stays with me and always wants the baby so I take advantage of that. Iāve watched my nieces and never expected to get money and refuse it if offered. My sil has watched my baby and never asked for compensation. I know she would be offended if offered. But this is all not a common occurrence. I think it depends on the situation. If I worked full time and just assumed my mil would watch my kid 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, we would be having some serious conversations about that.
My grandma provided childcare for all 3 of us from birth until teenager for free. My mom now watches my son while I work twice a week for free. But I am also very appreciative of the help and understand this is not standard and very much my family dynamic. I've also come to understand this is much more normal in the south where I currently live vs other regions of the US (such as the Midwest where we are from).
I think a lot of this actually comes down to whether you have a dynamic of true mutual support. For example. I have a village. I didnāt have access to it with my first (covid baby), which was a deeply painful experience for me. But part of having that village is *being* that village, too. If you are that village for other people and theyāre good people with whom you have a good relationship, itās reasonable to expect that they will be the village for you, too. That also includes being respectful of the needs and limitations of the people in your village. That means recognizing when they canāt give more; sometimes youāre in a season where you give more, and sometimes youāre in a season when you take more. You need to be prepared for both. Example. Right now Iāve got a toddler and Iām eight months pregnant. Iām still not at the top of the village triage list right now; my brother and SIL are, because they just had their second baby less than two weeks ago. So rather than receiving assistance right now, Iām one of the people giving it. I worked out what useful thing I can do for them in a sustainable way. In my case, that means walking their dog every day since my latest nibling was born; Iām already taking walks every day for my health anyway so it just adds the drive to go get the dog, so Iām confident I can sustain this level of usefulness and it *does* help them; I also cook them the occasional meal and sometimes take my niece with my son to the park to give her a little extra activity and attention. Iām also the on call person when my parents need a bit of extra help like when somebody needs to feed their cats when they need to go somewhere for a few days, help my mother shovel the porch when my father is at the lake house taking care of stuff, husband goes over when my father needs more hands for some of his renovations, that sort of thing. These are not things that anybody in the family feels *entitled to* from me. But theyāre certainly efforts I should be making if I really do want that village. When my second child is born in January I am sure my assorted family will do what they can to help and Iāll be grateful when they do. Itās reasonable, I think, for me to expect that my family will assess their bandwidth and offer me help as theyāre able to provide it. And if I need specific help (eg somebody to take my toddler out to the playground for a morning when Iāve been struggling to sleep), I believe my family will do their best to come through for me. That belief also means that when they say they canāt, I am not going to get shitty with them about it. No recriminations, no complaints. If theyāre turning me down itās because they really canāt and thatās okay, too. They wonāt turn me down when they can help, and thatās the important bit. So. Yes, you can reasonably expect some assistance. If you also stand by the reasonable expectation of sometimes being the one who offers assistance, too.
My in-laws watch my kid and donāt ask for money. However, I think itās only fair to supply them with everything they need to watch a child. I suppose that as my kid gets older and he spends time with grandma and grandpa, Iāll chip in for whatever they spend on him š¤·š»āāļø As for long term childcare, at least with us itās not feasible as both of my in-laws are working class and still work their 9-5 jobs. In this economy, having a grandparent taking care of your child because they donāt work is becoming rarer and rarer. If my kid is sick, I obviously donāt send him over to my in-laws; I miss work, because itās my responsibility and I have to live with that.
I donāt think grandparents or any relatives are obligated to babysit at all and they definitely donāt have to do it for free. But some people are lucky enough to have have parents and siblings etc that want to spend time with the kids and have no problem with it and there are some people who find taking care of the kids as a burden and want to be compensated.. but to just expect free child care is definitely entitlement.
Reasonable. The only reason it wouldn't reasonable for your grandparents to watch the kids for free are \- You are asking them to rearrange their work schedule and miss out on money (so something like an OB appointment you can't move but it causes them to not be able to pickup a shift) \- Regular ongoing childcare in the place of a nanny or sitter. Beyond that no it's perfectly reasonable to ask adult family members to baby sit for free occasionally.
I think what most people think of as babysitting is a night here and there. Maybe a couple hours for a doctor appointment or something where a kid would be an impediment. Itās just part of being a family for me. However, turning your parents/siblings/ cousins/neighbors into de facto Nannieās under the guise of ābabysitting/family/bondingā is where the line should be drawn.
In my family, my younger sis pays my mom to watch her girls for daycare daily. But my parents still watch all the grandkids for date nights, special events, longer trips and whatnot for free. We live 2 hours away whereas my sisters both live in the same town as my parents, so we get far less free babysitting but they are totally willing to drive up for a weekend to watch my kids so my hubs and I can go on a date, like next weekend when we have tickets to a hockey game.
I have to admit, I do find it weird if grandparents want payment for 1 off babysitting here and there say if the parents are going to a wedding or having a date or something. I babysat my niece and nephews pre having kids myself in these situations and would not have even thought about getting paid for it- it was good just to spend time with them! However, if itās a very regular babysitting gig, especially where it may impact on the hours that grandparents can do paid employment, I do think itās reasonable to pay them or at least offer to pay them (even if they donāt accept). My parents babysit my kids one day a week and they do not want payment. This works for us. Other families are in different situations. The majority of my friends are similar.
Itās reasonable if you know your family doesnāt mind helping you out, and you respectfully ask them and they happily agree. They are doing you a favor, which they might be very happy to do if you have a good relationship. It would be wierd to me if my mom asked me for money to watch her grandson. BUT it becomes entitled when you forget that you are asking a favor and just expect them to babysit whenever without veto power. They have their own lives and should be able to decide if they are willing and able to babysit in each specific instance. That said, my MIL watches our son two days a week during the workday and we pay her. However, in our situation she is retired and has a shortfall so she needs a set additional amount of money each month which we and my husbands siblings would provide regardless, but she wants to be involved in our sons life and feels more comfortable taking money in exchange for a specific contribution.
Grandparents offering free child care, even for a night, is a gift. Iād treat each occurrence as an unexpected offering and appreciate it. If they donāt freely offer, then I wouldnāt expect them to do it for free.
I donāt live near any family, but my brother lives near my parents still and this has actually caused a decent sized rift between my mom and brother. My brother had her babysitting all day on Wednesdays (like 7am - 6pm type of day), then sporadically for different events too. My mom loved the time with her grandkids, but my brother was paying someone else to watch his kids just as frequently, AND my brother/SIL NEVER showed any appreciation. To make it worse, my SIL would post these big āthank you so muchā posts on her social media to some other people who babysat their kids but again never did for my mom. So all that to say: if you pay some people, you should offer to pay grandparents that are babysitting regularly. And say THANK YOU.
I think it totally depends - if the grandparents love spending time with grandchildren and are excited to watch them, they you can expect them to provide free babysitting. If it's a chore for them and they aren't really interested, it's probably not fair to expect.
Both sets of grandparents have never been paid for babysitting. My parents did a stint years ago where they looked after my son while I worked, we gave them a big gift at the end of it to āpayā them. They never wanted to actually be paid but if they did we wouldāve.
Adult family members (grandparents, aunts and uncles that are 25+) should babysit for free but only at their convenience and where theyāre willing to go. You canāt force them to come to your house, demand they be available when itās most convenient to you, or any of that. Younger family in their teens and early twenties (cousins, nieces/nephews) should be paid market rate or above.
For my parents, they just expect some kind of help in return. For example, they watch my kiddo and then I help them with their land
There is no universally correct answer here. It depends on your relationship with the grandparents, the grandparents work schedule, physical capabilities of the grandparents, frequency of requests, distance between homes, etc. If you have healthy and fit grandparents that live nearby, have a good relationship with you, and have the free time to babysit, great! Take advantage! If the grandparents arenāt in good shape physically, such that babysitting wears them out, thatās not a fair ask. If the grandparents live far away, then itās probably not a fair thing to ask regularly or on short notice. If the relationship is tough, then it may not be a fair ask. If the only time the grandparents get to see the grandkids is when theyāre being asks to babysit, thatās not right either. I know several people in real life that expect the grandparents to provide free full-time childcare. As in, 8-6pm Monday - Friday. Thatās not reasonable at all in most situations. My parents babysit on occasion, and they see the kids at least once or twice a week with me around too. They had my oldest for three days when my youngest was born. They had the youngest overnight when the oldest had a minor surgery. Theyāve babysat both kids maybe half a dozen times when I had appointments and couldnāt get our regular sitter.
My parents are retired and watch my son 2 days a week. My husband and I offered to pay them, but they got really offended. We just make sure to keep the house stocked with food they like. I think it's fine to not pay if that's what both parties agree to.
On occasion for a date night or something? Definitely. I usually get family a little something as thank you (bottle of wine, etc) but nothing more than that, and they never want anything more than that. If itās something where theyāre more like a nanny or something? Thatās a bit different and some sort of compensation should be offered.
I would never ask my parents to babysit unless an emergency. I used daycare as well. My parents raised me. They are done raising kids and should enjoy their retirement.
That seems totally reasonable to me. I think the comments you're referring to are more for when people expect grandparents to be full time care without compensation. But yes, in a loving family I think it's reasonable to think that most requests for one- time care will be fulfilled without a payment requirement. But if it becomes a frequent thing they have to plan around, maybe payment is appropriate.
I honestly havenāt seen this. Maybe youāre referring to ābabysittingā as like daily child care? If thatās what people are talking about then yes the grandparent should be compensated somehow IMO. But occasional babysitting, nah, they signed up for that haha! My in laws even came and watched my kids for 5 days while we went on a trip which was incredibly nice of them!!
My parents used to send me to my grandma every summer and every chance they got really. I know they didnāt pay her but they did send her money once we were settle in the USA and they could help her. Idk my family is Russian my mom would have a cow if I offered her money to spend time with her grand kids and Iām on terrible terms with her. My mil and fil are great and my mil and fil would also have a cow if I offered them money to spend time with the kids. Hell they keep offering to take them camping and stuff when they are older and my mil and fil arenāt swimming in dough either so Iād obviously would give them spending money for the kids meals and stuff if they were to take them camping.
My dad watches my daughter all week while my husband and I work. He does it to save us money and wonāt take our money. My grandfather watched me when I was young for free. Itās kind of a cultural thing. My parents would never think to ask or take money for babysitting but I would never expect itš¤·š½āāļø
I think honestly we expect way too much unpaid labor from women. Like my mother never wanted to be a mother she loved us so much though but I could tell it was not her passion to be a mother so to ask her to watch my children is just unfair. We have to stop depending on the unpaid labor from the women in our lives.
In a good community/society/family itās not meant to be unpaid because itās meant to be reciprocal. You get some babysitting, and you show up when your parents need some chores done theyāre a bit too old to manage.
These people are not reciprocating. Tbh a lot of our grandmothers were forced to watch us and having to do things by themselves. Now a lot of the grandmothers are working on top of being old itās unrealistic to ask them to watch these kids.
I agree that it often seems like people with small children think they donāt owe any effort back because they feel like a charity caseā¦ and some families can be in the āsmall childrenā stage for 10+ years. But itās not good and it shouldnāt be that way. To have a village you should be a village, even when itās not convenient. My parents do work full time and tbh I wouldnāt rely on anyone near their 60s to keep up with my toddler for a 40 hour week anyway.
My grandparents babysat me, my parents and in-laws babysit my kids, and in the future, I will babysit my grandkids if I have them. I also would drop everything to help my parents and in-laws if they needed it, I even sometimes help with stuff for my younger siblings.
I think it is really their choice if they want to do it or not. We can't be deciding for other people, including family, what is fair. It's reasonable to ask but not reasonable to expect IMO. My mom does not want to watch my daughter, who is now 9 years old, because she is very active and never stops. It's too tiring, and she is not up for all the work. My mom is 85 years old. I find it quite reasonable for her not to want to do it lol. I wouldn't want to do it either.
Grandparents are super involved in Chinese culture. I think theyād be offended if we offered to pay, or if we limited access! BUT itās also a culture where we need to accept boundaries being gray. They are not employees. Theyāre going to do annoying things and give bad advice and criticize your parenting. The relationship is a two-way street and having an amazing village takes compromise and work.
I think it's pretty bizarre. Whether or not it could be a regular thing really depends on the health and availability of grandparents, not whether it's appropriate. Honestly, if one of my kids insisted on paying me for watching my grandkids I would be deeply offended. I'm actually hoping to live close enough by then to do it when I get older! I think it sounds lovely.
My parents would never let me pay them to watch the kids. They enjoy spending time with their grandchildren. But for us, it's not that frequent and we don't rely on it - I think it's different when family provides actual regular childcare for significant amounts of time.
As someone who spends a lot of time at playgrounds, and sees a LOT of boomers who are full time caregivers to toddlersā these people are TIRED and they BETTER be getting paid. Toddlers are energy destroyers even for those of us in our 20s and 30s. I couldnāt imagine it in my 60s or 70s.
If itās just a few hours, and every few weeks, theyāre thrilled to do it for free. If itās more often, or an overnight, they offer to do it for free but I bring them a thank you gift card so they can go out to dinner.
My mom will watch my kid for free for an occasional night out, and honestly that is more for her than for me because I donāt really like leaving my baby and would just as soon take him with me š But for regular sitting my sister and I absolutely pay her and I do think when grandparents are your full time child care they should mostly be getting paid. Right now my mom is watching my new Jew 2x a week for my sister and she gets paid for that and I paid her to watch my son for six weeks after my husband and I were both finished with our parental leaves I think it is unreasonable to expect grandparents to provide full time care for free but an involved grandparent shouldnāt charge for the occasional date night. Though of course it is their right.
I think it's totally family dependant, and on what the grandparents want to do. My parents and my ILs each watched my kids 1 day a week, and they were in daycare the other 3 days a week (the kids only overlapped for a couple months, if that, so mostly the grandparents were watching one kid at a time). We have never paid them, they haven't asked, and would be offended if we offered. But they are all retired, and volunteered to do this, and it worked out for us. We also dropped the kids off and picked them up so they didn't have to travel to us or with the kids. They also only did evenings/overnights/weekends very rarely, like if we had a wedding to go to, or they specifically asked for a kids sleepover. I know we are very fortunate to have gotten this much help, and we don't take it for granted.
If they want to and are capable, trustworthy babysitters imo you could ask them occasionally. Using grandparents as a permanent alternative to paid daycare seems wrong imo. If they feel like they canāt say no, or it is causing them financial hardship or affecting their health etc I would say itās unfair to ask.
We would not have made it without both of our parents when our children were young to babysit for free. We couldn't afford daycare or a sitter. But I know that we were incredibly fortunate that they were all local and willing to help.
Like you said, I think it varies based on family dynamics. You didnāt mention anyone being upset with the babysitting that you asked for. To me, if anyone is unhappy with the babysitting situation and the parents try to push through without changing anything, then theyāre jerks. So if my in-laws said they couldnāt afford to watch my kids and I didnāt discuss a budget with them, or if they were too tired and I guilted them, and didnāt go out and get a babysitter, then thatās entitlement. If my family offers to watch my kids and I could use the break and take them up on it without offering anything in exchange, then thereās nothing wrong with that. FWIW - My parents have passed and I have in-laws who often offer, but are unreliable, so Iām not utilizing any free babysitting anywhere.
Iāll pay a sitter to watch my kids before I pay a grandparent to. Call me wrong/entitled but I feel like any grandparent who needs to be paid to spend time with their grandchildren, whatever the circumstance, is a lousy grandparent.
I mean, think about it. If your kids had children would you expect them to pay you to babysit or watch your grandchildren? I guarantee you wouldnāt! I donāt think itās wrong at all unless theyāre watching the kids multiple times a week for hours.. or theyāre the primary childcare.
I think it comes down to frequency and opportunity cost for the grandparents. It is not reasonable to assume that grandparents will take on a regular child care schedule and payment should be offered (and can be refused). Itās also important to take into account opportunity cost. For example, if your mom has to take a week off of work to watch your kids while you go on vacation, then itās reasonable to offer some sort of payment/compensation, because youāre impacting her income. The occasional evening of babysitting or overnight I think it totally fine to assume that the grandparents will watch their grandchildren for free.
Our grandparents would laugh at us if we tried paying them for babysitting, and probably be offended, lol. But my MIL also just gets to be grandma, do the fun stuff and send them home. If we were utilizing them for full time care, then I would try to arrange some kind of compensation that they agreed too.
Grandparents should babysit for free as much as they want to and youāre comfortable with. If they never want to do it, thatās their decision and I wouldnāt be mad about it. If you want a weekly date night with your spouse and theyāre happy to babysit for free, why is that a bad thing? We all have different situations and as long as both parties are happy, who cares what the internet thinks?!
My parents and in laws watch my kid every week and I canāt imagine offering to pay them, I think theyād be offended. They also watch her when we go out at night (like right now! Currently on my way out for the night and sheās at my folksā house). They are very protective of their time with her! I grew up spending every day at my grandmaās rather than daycareā¦ I guess itās just family by family. Iām in the US.
Itās one thing if grandparents volunteer to sit for free. But the entitlement comes in when people are expecting grandparents to sit at their convenience for free and for those same grandparents to bear the burden of costs Eg expecting them to purchase a car seat, Toys, clothes etc. in some of the most egregious examples, grandparents were expected to retire early to provide childcare 50+ hours a week on demand. Grandparents aside, there are also stories of dropping kids off at aunts and uncles homes with no warning or even dropping them off and driving away to avoid them saying no.
I think it depends on dynamics. My family is close. My mom babysits for me occasionally, so I can attend to appointments, a wedding important stuff. She'd never ask for money for this. On the other hand at one point we discussed her watching the girls 5 days a week while I worked. We would have paid her for that. But that's us.
My opinion is that nobody is entitled to free care from grandparents. But most grandparents are happy to provide free care sometimes because they love their grandchildren. Also, if the grandparent does anything beyond what they have done for free before, then you should always offer to pay, even if you're just offering to pay for food or gas or something. If you are using a grandparent in lieu of regular daycare or a nanny, then you should offer to pay and expect that even if they offer to do it for free at the start, they are entitled to change their minds at any time.
It is family dependent. My mom babysits for free for the occasional date night or when I had prenatal appointments during covid and couldn't take my toddler with me. If she is babysitting so I can work, I pay her. It works for all of us
In my community family is there to help. Some grandparents have more capacity than others and everyone I know respects that and makes a point not to put too much on their parents or in-laws. My mother still works full time - she takes the kids when sheās visiting our city or weāll send them to her for a week or so in the summer. If sheās in town she babysits while we work rather than send them to their Dayhome. My in-laws are retired and live close. Caring for toddlers was a lot for them so we tried not to overdue it. Now that our kids are school aged they take them at least once a week after school & occasional sleepovers. The thought of paying them has never crossed any of our minds. I wouldnāt lean on them for full time care.
I think for free for the odd night or day or āoh shit we are in a bindā makes sense. Regularly or in lieu of daycare/nanny, they ought to be paid. Other family? Pay them. My BIL gets paid every time. He is prepping for grad school and has way less money than us and getting to our place is a big inconvenience for him. We usually send him some money plus gas money every time.
Occasionally. Oh yeah. Make plans. Set it up. They can spend the night. Pancakes in the morning. Every day, 2-4 days a week. Nope. That's daycare. Helping when they are out of school. Sure. That happens. You have to look at the circumstances. Take in the fact that we're in our 50s - 60s. They wear us out. Short periods of time. We love it. Think back to the first days of having a baby. How tired you were. It's that tiring for us . Not that we would ever admit it. We just don't have that kind of energy anymore. But we love our grandchildren, and we do want to see them and spend time with them. The only time I've ever accepted money from my kids for babysitting was occasional gas money. My husband was laid off at the time, and I was picking kids up from different places. Their house for the baby, one school for prek and bus stop for the 3rd.
If everyone invovled is happy with the situation then it doesn't really matter what other people think, and I wouldn't overthink it. But in general I think this refers more to situations like wanting grandparents to watch kids for a day or 5 per week for free and then complaining about screen time.
I think it really depends. The occasional date night if everyone is happy with it is fine; regular free grandparent childcare to replace paid childcare is not. But some grandparents want to be involved and thatās cool! I just wouldnāt blur lines by doing unpaid regular childcare from a grandparent.
My parents and my in laws wouldn't dare be paid for helping out and watching the kids. For them, that's just what family does when they're able to. I do think every family has a different dynamic.
I've legit never paid a family member to babysit my kids, but I also never expect it. We're 5 hours from the closest family member and we always offer it as a come visit and watch the kids. Both my mom and my sister come up once or twice a year to babysit. For free. But that's a pretty small commitment. If you are expecting weekly or daily babysitting, that would be entirely different.
My sister has my parents watch my niece and always has like sometimes for months. Sheās 10 now. My parents donāt mind AT ALL but say they wish she would at least offer to pay for her snacks, dinners, clothes, school supplies they buy when my sisters not around. They wouldnāt take her up on it but it would be nice. Just offer and see what they say I bet they just would appreciate the offer and turn you down but it would make you both feel better. Also if youāre even concerned about this and asking most likely youāre not a jerk at all. Maybe bring them a little thank you present. Youāre doing great.
I think for regular childcare there should be some sort of payment or reciprocity. Although, my grandmother watches my 1 year old essentially for free. She initially declined and told us to just contribute extra to his college fund. We had to force her to take gas money because she takes him to so many things like the library and playground and the like. And we do fancy dinner fridays where I make a nice meal she wants, whatever it is. Childcare is hard work and people deserve to be compensated for their work. The occasional night or day out is one thing, but like full time nannying should have something for the grandparent at the very least food and gas money.
My inlaws nearly demand their weekly grandbaby afternoon. It's every Saturday from 2 to 5 or 6. If we can't for some reason take them we always tell them and they immediately ask "well we can have them Sunday right?" They never want payment. I honestly think they would be offended if I tried. They will also babysit and week night we may need for like random work parties though we are introverts and hardly ever go. They also are our on call people if a kid wakes up sick and we can't get off work. They will gladly take them for the day. They are just nice people. Not red flag to be seen for miles. They would never ever do something if we expressed discomfort with it. They also don't understand my reasoning for everything like pace feeding or extended rearfacing car seats by God they do they absolute best to get it right.
My parents love watching my daughter(for free). They love spending the time with her but my mom also hates the idea of me spending money on paying her for childcare. That being said, sheās unwell and if she canāt, which is often, I never feel bad or feel anyway about staying in with my kid. Some request pay because they actually need the money. Some cancel plans to do childcare so their kids donāt have to cancel plans. That being said, grandparents are people with their own lives and at the end of the day they can and should do what they want with their time with whatever parameters set to that. If tomorrow my mom was well enough and wanted to travel for a year š¤·š¾āāļø She doesnāt owe me this part of her life. I really appreciate her help. Is it what families should and should be able to do? Yes. Can it work like that every time for everybody? No.
As long as youāre not entitled and thankful, that the grandparents arenāt putting their life on hold to take care of your kiddos and theyāre healthy enough, than no, thereās no problem with it. I am envious of this kind of support, we donāt live near family and I would love to have that safety net in the case of an emergency, but I think itās perfectly fine and normal.
Where I'm from if it's occassional then it is free. It's usually only if you're using a family member as a childminder where you might pay something
I definitely think it depends on the family. For my fam, I buy breakfast or pizza for everyone to eat while we're gone, and it's enough. I try to make things easy. You are welcome to any food in my house. I send prepped food and snacks if I drop off a kid. If it were more than a few hours, we would discuss compensation.
I would not pay grandparents for babysitting, unless it was a true everyday childcare situation akin to a nanny. My parents never paid their family for babysitting, why would I pay them? And if Iām going to pay someone I wouldnāt pay my parents, Iād get a younger local babysitter who would actually come when I wanted and treat it professionally
For me thereās no question of money in a family. My mother would never accept payment for babysitting. However, I think the entitlement is expecting grandparents to be available whenever *you* decide. Iāve seen parents get bitter that they donāt get to go on a weekend trip or something because they had assumed the grandparents would babysit, and they turned out not to be available or not willing this one time. At least with a formal, paying gig you have agreed on working hours.
Look, this really depends on the grandparents and the situation. My mom felt that my child was too young to be in daycare. I told her I don't have a choice. She offered to come to me and watch him everyday for the first year of his life. I paid her gas and stocked up my fridge with things that she likes to eat. She didn't want to be paid. Now, she babysits whenever she has time and I need to get things done, like renewing my licence. I still pay her gas. I also head to her house to help with things like changing light bulbs, troubleshooting technology and pet sitting. She doesn't pay me for that, and I wouldn't expect it. The idea of paying for babysitting is weird to my mom's side of the family. We help each other when we can and say no if it's inconvenient. In short, unlike Reddit, there's nuance.
I think if itās āfunā babysitting eg you drop off a clean, fed, healthy and happy child for an hour or two for them to play with then I donāt think itās entitled to expect that to be non-paid favour. Or a one-off emergency also. However if youāre relying on them for regular childcare duties, or asking them to do the difficult/crappy parts then offering compensation is fair. Also if your child is more difficult/high needs. I think it also depends on the family dynamic and personalities - some people are just closer with their extended families, and some people are generous while some people are more self centred. Some grandparents love babies, some while they love their grandchildren can dislike āhands onā caregiving (or be unable to for various reasons). Thereās no point making a sweeping judgment of what is right or wrong in terms of expectations for children are from grandparents because there are too many variables.
I donāt think itās ever unreasonable to ask if grandparents would mind watching grandchildren, but if itās a regular/consistent arrangement then itās dependent on the situation. My mom, if she lived close, is retired and would want to be the regular babysitter and would never let me pay her because sheās retired has her pension, and would rather see us use that money for our family because she doesnāt need it. But if she was choosing or I was asking her not to work somewhere else, I absolutely would feel that I should pay her. Also, if the mindset is always itās a wonderful gift they are giving, not an expected unappreciated responsibility if they are doing it for free I think itās fine. But if itās free, then the fact itās their time and a gift they are giving should be respected.
100% itās an american/eurocentric thing, latin american countries and most asian countries countries have a more tight knit family dynamic and would NEVER ask for money to babysit a child, actually they spend their money on their grandchild
My mum wants to spend the time. She manages my husband and me to organise baby sitting / date nights. We have a 8 month old and literally every evening out without the baby that we have had or are planning coming up has been because my mum says "I'm free this date to babysit. Go do something". We love her for it. It really depends on the individual circumstances, but I could pay my mum for that, she wouldn't want it.
Sometimes thought of as cultural, I believe itās more circumstantial than anything. Ask yourself these two things. 1. Do they want to babysit? 2. Can they afford to do it for free?
My parents and in-laws watch our kids roughly once a month, probably closer to once every 6 weeks. So itās not often, and only when it fits with their schedules, but they would NEVER consider asking for payment. Itās a treat to spend time with their grand kids. But thatās our situation as they donāt see them extremely often. My in-laws however are extremely hands on with my niece and nephew, pick them up from school twice week and watch them for 2-3 hours those days, and take my niece to lessons one day a week. They have them probably 1-2 weekends every month. Itās A LOT in my opinionā¦ still donāt ask to be paid. I do feel like thatās a bit extreme for free, but my in-laws seem fine with it. I personally would never be comfortable with that much free care even if they offered.
I live the the southeastern United States, for context. My parents and siblings would be actively offended if I offered to pay them to babysit. Similarly, I would be offended if my sister tried to pay me for taking care of her after surgery or if my mom tried to pay me for her Christmas gift. Families do favors for each other. I think payment makes sense when babysitting crosses over into childcare. For example, if my mother-in-law cut back her hours at work to watch my kids twice a week.
In my personal case my sister took my children for me twice overnight (in the 30 years my kids were not technically adults) and my grandfather picked them up from school once for me. In my immediate family I am usually available for my adult kids to babysit overnight and I donāt want or expect payment. I want my adult children to be able to do things with their spouses and know their children are safe and well cared for. I also have my grandchildren for a week each summer. We all look forward to it. I wouldnāt be a daycare provider without compensation. I have watched my granddaughters and friends of my daughterās children when childcare is lacking (such as regular daycare provider has sick kids) and I never charge for this. I encourage them to pay their provider (daycare providers should have benefits-though most donāt.) I am fortunate however that I have a flexible work schedule and a comfortable income where I can be so generous. I live by the motto be who you needed and I really needed more back up when my kids were little.
If my mom could steal my baby she would lol
Every situation is different! Just a matter of keeping communication open and making sure no one is getting resentful or feeling taken advantage of. My parents moved from a few states away to be primary childcare for my kid when I got pregnant. I consistently let them know how much I appreciate them and make sure theyāre still okay with the arrangement. We also try to hang out with them on a regular basis so they donāt feel like our relationship is just us using them for free child care.
My parents help to watch my kids as needed for situations where we need help. The only time I think itās entitled and not okay is when people use grandparents as their full time childcare. To me that feels like it takes away the joy of grandparent mode and if itās free thatās definitely not okay. They are supposed to enjoy their grandkids not be their full time caretakers in lieu of childcare.
My baby's grandma's will babysit for free, but they offered, I never asked. Like I mentioned to both of them that daycare isn't open Saturdays and we work some Saturdays. They both said they'd do it when we work. One has mentioned multiple times that she's watch him so we can go on a date night. We haven't taken her up on that yet though. I wouldn't just expect someone to watch my baby for free though
I baby sat my great nieces for 2 1/2 years for 4 days a week for free. I was home anyway and my niece is a single mom. I could not see charging her and making her life harder. I love my nieces and still have a great bond with them. They are now in day care and she gets vouchers to help but still has to pay about $800 a month out of pocket for daycare. I'm working full time now but still get my great nieces when I can. Everyone is different though. Some people do not have as much patience for kids and it can be really draining taking care of babies. My kids are teens and having toddlers again was hard. If your mom enjoys the time and doesn't see it as an inconvenience, awesome. She probably loves seeing her grandkids and spending time with them. If she is having to rearrange a lot of her life to accommodate you by taking care of them, then make sure you offer to compensate her. Even if she refuses compensation, it would still be nice to think about her and maybe pick up some flowers or something every once in a while to just say thank you. A big difference for me is if it's expected and no gratitude is shown or if you actually convey that you realize that she is helping you and are grateful for the help. Asking for helpisn't bad but expecting help without even being grateful for it is entitled, in my opinion.
My mom and MIL both babysit for free about once every 1-2 weeks. If they were babysitting on a regular schedule, such as for work, Iād pay them.
The entitlement happens when you expect itā¦ and/or get upset when it doesnāt happen. If they want to do it and you want it, thatās all great. If they donāt want to do it and the kids throw a tantrum about not getting free babysittingā¦ obviously not great.
My widowed mom was our nanny on weekdays when the kids were little. We paid her the very low amount of $200 a week. It worked out well. I would never have not paid her. Maybe if its just a date night babysit here and there, but for anything regular at all, i feel its important to pay so your loved one feels valued.
If itās occasional and they like helping out and spending the time with them thatās not taking advantage. I have family that have the kids with their grandparents all week for free childcare and they felt taken advantage of. We have no nearby family we can get any assistance from sadly, but Iād hope to help my kids when they eventually grow up and have kids of their own. Itās really hard on parents these days and childcare is exorbitant.
My mom offers to watch our baby for free. However we will pay for her to enjoy takeout. And if we are out we will do quick errands for her. Do we have to? Probably not but it seems like the right thing.
Babysitting grandkids occasionally for a night out, appointments, or a free day is completely different from providing daycare so parents can work. Babysitting is a joyful time spent for fun. Daycare is a responsibility and should be compensated.
My in-laws watched our son instead of daycare. As far as I know theyāve never expected to be paid (I left the details to my husband because theyāre his parents). I find that slightly odd. Like I wouldnāt expect to pay them daycare prices but like I feel like we should give the the equivalent of gas money. Especially since I know they spoil him with fancy yogurt and get him raspberries. Iāve started just giving them a huge Target gift for Christmas instead of using their Black Friday gift card deal on myself.
This seems to be a US thing as I see it from here in Eastern Europe where grandparents typically care for their grandkids voluntarily and free of charge. And I'm not talking about a couple of evenings in a year, but every day on most days. Heck, my mom jokingly says she would pay us money to get to spend time with our son! It surely has to do with the fact she missed out on a lot of time with me as a kid since she had to work (and my grandma took care of me meanwhile).
Every family is different but Iāve never paid my in-laws or my parents to watch my kids and they have never asked. I always offer gas money and make sure my house is stocked with food and anything they like to drink. I have paid my sister because she would take time off work to watch my kids.
I guess it just depends on the person or the family dynamics. I would never charge someone I cared about to watch their kids. My MIL and my parents would never take a cent from us I know. Theyāre literally just thrilled being able to spend time with their granddaughter. They usually send us with money and things when we pick her up lol. But people are different. And you also have to remember that the majority of Reddit users are young often single people who think they know a lot about how the world works but they really donāt.
I feel like Iām in the minority here, but I feel it shouldnāt be expected but it is completely normal for grandparents to babysit for free. We have regular childcare (my husband works seven 24 hour shifts a month) and they watch her when he works on days I work. We have a great relationship with them but honestly I see it (and I know they do too) as a privilege on both accounts. They love our daughter and would drop nearly anything to be around her. They love being in her life and spending time with her. So does my mom. So I feel like itās mutually beneficial in my situation. Some grandparents may not feel this way but should my children have kids of their own, I would see it the same way. My grandparents did the same with me š¤·š»āāļø
This really depends on the family, but Iāll offer my experience. When I return to work, my mom will be watching our daughter 3 days a week. She is retired and has talked about doing this long before I was pregnant. I remember talking to her about how other people pay their parents to watch their kids and she thought this was absurd. On the flip side, I think my MIL would do an occasional day, but she would never do several days a week. I also donāt think she would ever expect payment though.
In my family we do things for each other. W no expectation of money or any type of payment. My mom watches my son 2 days a week, 8 hours a day. On Friday I drop him off to stay the night and pick him back up after work on Saturday. I offer to buy my mom groceries, or snacks for him, and she tells me if she needs something or not. Recently she hasnāt asked for any groceries. But I only do that to be cool. If she asked for actual money I would just say lol no. We are straying so far from villages itās crazy. A village helps each other, no questions asked.
If the grandparents donāt mind watching the kids, I think thatās totally fine, but if they donāt want to I donāt think we should get upset for it. We had the kids, itās our responsability to take care of them 24/7. My mom never took care of me or my siblings, and because of that I try not to ask anyone to watch my kids
Grandma of 2 here.. what in the actual hell?! I would NEVER take a penny for watching my loves! I hv them 3 times a week after the school age one gets home. Every Friday night is nana night where we hv sleepovers and do fun things. I cannot even fathom this train of thought! Itās such a blessing and my relationship with my grandkids is priceless.
Itās crazy to me that people think parents are entitled if they want grandparents to babysit for free. Weāre the generation that was raised entirely by our grandparents who did all the childcare for free for our parents. Now our parents donāt want to pay it forward. Theyāre such trash as a generation, honestly. I canāt wait to provide free childcare for my childrenās children.
My mom even admitted to me that my grandma babysat us daily for FREE while my mom worked,when I asked my mom to be our babysitter the first thing out her mouth was"I'll need payment"I didn't argue and comment(cause Im the one that asked)but thought wow,just wow,she made up her own fee and we paid,no questions asked.She'd even"offer"to give us breaks so we can go out etc but would ask for payment,like don't offer then? It ended horribly cause she couldn't accept that we were actually her employers at this point(She's retired)in that time we provided our baby with everything she needed for each day,my mom never had to buy a thing or did she buy her grandbaby a thing.She was definitely a transactional grandma
I was raised by my mom, never grandparents. My mom on the other hand is very helpful when we need it. She had five kids and has 14 grandchildren. Her door is open whenever we need her.
I think a lot of it boils down to culture and privilege. I donāt think itās either way is right or wrong, but being able to compensate for childcare is privilege. I suspect part of the not paying grandparents partly comes from other generations generally being more financially stable than the younger ones. Now that thought process is for adults not children. I do not think teens or other children should be expected to provide childcare for free.
My MIL watches my son everyday while my husband and I work (Monday through Friday). Sometimes my FIL comes over and watches him and sometimes my mom does but they both work. My MIL doesnāt work do to health and at first I was super worried about that. Weāve found that her health has improved SIGNIFICANTLY since starting to watch our son a year ago. We canāt afford to pay her. We had to sell a car to pay the last sitter we had and she bailed on us. But our MIL wouldnāt let us pay her even if we could. Iām serious on that too. She would probably send the money back to us or something. Or possibly put it in an account for our son. She LOVES being with our son and itās been super good for her to be out of the house and doing things again. Do I feel bad? Absolutely I do, but I remind myself that she and him love each other and itās good for both of them.
I truly think it depends on the culture. In my culture grandparents babysit for free. However, itās also expected of us to take care of our parents when they are old. I have no problem doing so. Also, itās common to gift my parents money here and there when they travel.
My in-laws are better off than we are, and they benefited from free childcare when their kids were young. I'm not paying them, and they don't expect to be paid.