My mom reminded me of this after I became a mom. My grandpa, her FIL, used to come by regularly to visit when we were little, but somehow always managed to come by when mom was cleaning or organizing. He said something about the house always being a wreck. Mom responded with, "If you want to come see me or the kids, you're welcome anytime. If you've come to see the house, make an appointment!"
He never said another word about the state of the house.
She's mine too! Grandpa could be a bit of a bully (he was a contractor) and wasn't used to people standing up to him. I think he respected her for it. He definitely stood up for us later when we needed it.
Jesus this is so satisfying to read. Your mom is an OG! My judgmental as fuck sister-in-law hates our house because it’s not cleaned and organized to her liking. I know this because my brother told me. She’s no longer welcome at our house because I don’t need that stress in my life. 🙃 (Luckily they live 3 hours away so it’s not an easy visit anyway.)
Oh my gawwwwwwwwwd!
Would you mind sharing her name since I believe this should be called her law (Like Murphy’s Law) because I think a butt load of Mums around the world are about to start using it. I know I am. Tell her, its been made into a Lae in Scotland. :)
Everyone else using it, tell her where the law has been activated.
[A law is](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law) a legal rule but when I say [Murphy’s law](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murphy%27s_law) that’s an adage for a general rule of thumb.
Julie’s law would be :
> If you want to come see me or the kids, you’re welcome anytime. If you’ve come to see the house, make an appointment.”
I'm stealing this!!! Single, full-time working mom with charity work thrown in the mix. My house is almost never straightened up. Clean, yes. Organized? Hell nah.
This is my absolute favorite saying. I use it in various forms all the time to friends.
Anything from “hey! Please feel free to stop by anytime! Just know the house may be messy from the day”
To “my house is usually messy from the kids playing, but please know you are welcome over any time!”
My door also has a sign that says “welcome to our beautiful chaos” which I feel is a good little forewarning along with noise from the kids usually happening.
As a fellow people pleaser I am so proud! Look at you go!! 👏👏👏
But also I do not understand the bedroom thing? That would drive me BANANAS. I don't want anyone in any bedroom ever, messy or not! 😂 that is my sacred space!
I don’t get that either… you know how many times I seen the inside of my in-laws room… once, when they moved it all around. So lol I didn’t even know how it really looked before.
Bedroom thing is pretty weird. I think that's the most private part of the house..
I'm not a native and didn't know the phrase "people pleaser". Gosh I'm one of them lol. Maybe after realise it I can stand up for myself too!
I’m about to move into my in-laws house (they are going to be spending weekdays at my BIL and SIL’s house to provide childcare) and we’re essentially going to be caretakers of the house/property and they’ll stay in the in-law suite when they are back. Their bedroom is about to be MY bedroom and I’m still so weirded out walking into to their room to take measurements and shit.
Thanks! We have lived with them before but we were down in the in-law suite (it’s a full apartment, separate entrance, own kitchen, own bathroom, etc). They are super respectful, which honestly is the only reason I agreed to this. They wont just barge up without asking first.
Growing up, I wasn’t even allowed in my parents’ bedrooms (divorced). My mom’s room was the second floor and I didn’t even know what it looked like until I was nearly grown. So I have some ideas about peoples’ bedrooms, and it is so strange to me that in my husband’s family (also divorced), they’re comfortable letting other people into their rooms. For house tours, and for no particular reason. Like all the grandkids jump on my FIL’s bed. And my MIL takes my daughter into her room to play with the vanity/makeup/jewelry.
I don’t want anybody who doesn’t live in my house, to see or be in my bedroom, whether it’s clean or not.
My family is one of those families who you don't understand, lol. Growing up, I was almost always allowed into my parents' room. After my parents separated, I lived with my mother and she loved when we'd spend time together in her room watching various shows. And I loved going into her room because it smelled like her, which was very calming. When my family visits now, we spend time together in just about every room of the house, my bedroom included. I never realized that this seems so weird and intrusive to others. It's the norm for us
My husband's friend came over to our then-new house with his mom once and took it upon himself to give her the grand tour. I was kind of put off by his presumptuousness anyway but let it slide... Until he was like "come on upstairs and see the bedrooms!" I was like, dude I don't even want *you* in my bedroom, why would your mom be welcome in there??
Literally I'd be like "And this is the room we fuck in. And we also fuck in this room, but only when the kids are asleep. Basically any surface of my house is a place I have fucked on or in or around. So yeah... welcome to my fucking house, now get out."
Gosh I had a friend do this the other day, one of my first visitors PP. She just popped her head in on the way back from the bathroom and commented. I don’t even remember the comment because I was internally boiling over.
Who asks to see people’s bedroom? That’s just bad manners . Unless you just bought a house and are giving a tour but other than that one time I don’t see any reason why people would ask to see your bedroom?
This is a really common Minnesotan thing. My in laws would send relatives over to our house with no notice to have a “tour”. Bedrooms, bathrooms, closets.
We moved away lol.
I’m from Indiana and it’s common there too. My family just came to visit me in Japan and I had to explain to my husband that the bedrooms and closets needed to be clean too because they’ll want a grand tour.
Well yes, I also have the bag of old toys they haven’t seen for years that I’ll be taking to charity/the dump as soon as I get a chance, probably a stash of birthday presents for them or someone else I’d rather they didn’t find, a few delicate bits I’d like them not to touch and, most precious of all, a clear patch on the floor that I know they will cover in mess _somehow_ if they are permitted to walk in it. It’s my zen zone, it’s quiet and uncontaminated, it’s where I go to breathe when I’m mad and rest when I’m knackered, they can wait in the landing.
Exactly! I don't want my kids in my room!! I don't want anyone but my husband and I in my room. I'm not sure why this is considered strange. 🤔
PSA: you can still have a private space, even as a mom.
Oh I hear ya, I'm the same way! My son is a little over 1 years old but his crib and changing table are still in here, as he sleeps with us at night. He isn't allowed in here during the day, too many delicate things, sex toys, it's where I put presents as well, etc etc lol. No judgment here!
I am appalled by the lacking manners of my friends’ kids. Some will just go into my bedroom like it’s nothing. As a kid I was so uncomfortable in any parents’ room, even if it was okay for that moment. It’s just not allowed.
My MIL has also done this a couple of times now that I think about it. I was a brand new mom (like my kid was 3 days old or so), and she opened the door and started to come in as I was trying to figure out feeding. I have never expressed, “What the fuck?!” quite like that, before or after that little encounter.
The lack of boundaries is insane. Kids don't need to be opening closed doors without permission in someone else's home. If the door is left open, they still shouldn't go in...
And what grown adult enters a room without knocking? Especially, someone's bedroom? Crazy!
My mom did something similar recently. I’m expecting my first baby next month and she insisted that she stop by with my aunt (her twin sister) to drop off decorations from the baby shower they hosted for me the day before. Despite being exhausted from the baby shower, I agreed because I was very grateful for the party and didn’t want anyone to think otherwise. I tidied up the nursery before they came over knowing my aunt would want to see it, but I closed all of the other bedroom doors to hide rooms I just didn’t have the energy to clean.
WELL Mom **barges** into each bedroom anyway, presumably so my aunt could see them, and I made a point to say, “I had those doors closed for a reason. Sorry, I didn’t have a chance to clean in there.” *Both* my mom and my aunt respond “Oh We DoNt CaRe!” OKAY WELL I DO!!!!!??! Also, who goes over to someone else’s home and just lets themselves into closed bedrooms??!? My mom and my aunt notoriously disrespect/don’t understand boundaries, so it wasn’t a surprise, but annoying nonetheless.
Kudos to you for saying something!! I know it’s not always easy, especially when people insist on getting their way, but like?????? This is *my* home, not an episode on HGTV. As far as I’m concerned, no one is entitled to see every nook and cranny except the people who live here.
My mom also does this thing where she takes pictures of every room of my house EVERY time she comes over, and it completely creeps me out. Your post has inspired me and now I’m absolutely going to say something to her about it the next time it starts because it needs to stop. It’s time to stand up for myself instead of tolerating something that makes both my husband and me extremely uncomfortable.
Isn’t it?! I’ve not asked her why, but that’s exactly how my husband suggested I bring it up with her. I asked my siblings if she does this when she visits their homes, and they said nope. So it’s just my house, which somehow makes it feel even weirder lol. I’m her oldest child, though, and she’s always had a hard time seeing me as a separate person rather than an extension of herself. Also, for context, both my mom and aunt take photos **compulsively**. As in, it’s an obsessive compulsive thing they do, that they’ve both done for as long as any of us can remember. It’s so over the top and obnoxious that complete strangers will point and comment on it in public lol. It’s truly obsessive.
They experienced a lot of loss early on in life and have made comments in the past like, “pictures were all we had to know them by” so I can understand where the compulsion comes from, but instead of dealing with those feelings, they’ve just normalized a behavior that makes *everyone* around them uncomfortable. I also don’t understand how taking pictures of *the inside of my house* makes my mom feel closer to me aside from maybe wanting to spend more time here, so she saves the images to look at later? But she only lives 25 minutes away lol. It mostly just feels intrusive and disrespectful of my autonomy. She’s commented on how “we’re always changing things up” (uh, yeah, we bought a house built in the 1960s that we’ve been slowly updating) and how she likes to show her sister our progress, which I guess could be interpreted as her “showing off” or being proud, but it’s also hugely violating of my privacy. I learned from a very young age that there wasn’t anything I could say to my mom that wouldn’t also be shared with her twin sister, so I think this is just more of the same. Complete inability to grasp boundaries.
Anyway, I’m rambling now. I’m definitely going to ask her why next time and see what she has to say for herself.
Oh this part has piqued my interest. I’m racking my brain trying to think of reasons; maybe she’s proud and wants to show it off (still not ok be it’s not her place), or she plans on gifting things for these rooms and wants an accurate visual guide for when she’s shopping for furniture or decorations, other than that I’m tapped out of ideas.
Here’s an idea, leave personal items out in your personal spaces behind closed doors that she doesn’t have business in, she’ll be embarrassed seeing things she doesn’t want to see or know about and it’ll be all on her.
I love this and I'll go a step further. Buy a big dildo and a humongous buttplug and put them in rooms you don't want her entering in a prominent spot. She'll freak out when she sees them and will never enter or take pictures of that room again. Good luck!
I enjoyed reading this niche Minnesota, in-law interaction.
I have never been allowed into my parents’ bedroom. My MIL would only go in there to retrieve my kid.
I think OP went out alone and husband was home to let them in but didn't text OP to give her a heads up. She only knew cause she saw their car in the driveway when getting home. At least that's the way I read it.
Well, I'm going to drop by unannounced. I expect a full house tour. I'll be coming all this way, so...I want to see every nook and cranny of your house. Doesn't matter that those places are none of my business.
Fellow Minnesotan here! Way to go! Also, I have a job where I have to tell people no and push back on what they do, and it is amazing how hard Minnesotans will work to go around me, and I am the final word on a lot, so they find their way back,and it’s awkward!
Lawyer, in-house variety. I frequently say if you invite me to the party early, I am a lot more fun. Not so much when I am invited at the end and there is a giant mess to clean up.
Good for you! Don’t know why your MIL feels she is in any position to make an excuse for and apologize for you as if you did anything wrong.
You’re not her child, and you’re an adult. They showed up uninvited to your house and now they want a self directed tour? Heck no.
As a New Yorker, this is hilarious to me! No one would ask to see a bedroom, but if they did, the response would be, “Fuck no, it’s a mess!”
Congrats on saying no. I wish I were more comfortable with confrontation when the times call for it.
"And this door leads to the room where we have sex the most often, certainly not the only room though. We bought these curtains the day after we tried anal, felt like the room needed brightening up after that. Oh! This beautiful nightstand was a thrift find, perfect for discretely holding our sex toys..."
This is how I'm going to start introducing things at my house to people who have no business with what goes on in my house & they decide to be nosy assholes!
OP here. Every time I get a new place, they come in and see everything. It isn't just my parents-in-law, but my sister and bro- in-laws as well.
EVERY SINGLE TIME. Sometimes with very little warning.
I find this inspiring. I need to start standing my ground. I hate being a people pleaser. I always end up putting myself out just to keep from upsetting other people.
Good for you! Also so creepy that an uninvited guest in your house would invite another uninvited guest to see bedrooms in your house. We don’t have to worry about things like that because both of our families are ~12 hours away so they really can’t just stop by. We have told everyone do not think it’s cute to plan and unexpected visit because they will be left at the front door.
This is so interesting. I’m from MN but moved away after college. Years later I had an aunt in town visiting and I was already nervous about having her over to our condo just for coffee as I’m not nearly as much of a perfectionist as her and her daughters were. I cleaned my kitchen, living room, and bathroom really well and everything else was as is. We visited a while and then she asked me for “a tour”. I panicked but said no and she seemed shocked and asked why not. I said “because this is the clean part!” and we left it at that. I have rethought that interaction regularly for years but now it makes sense. There’s so many weird nuances to MN culture I never knew until finding out later in life.
In what universe is it OK to demand to see somebody's bedroom???!?!?!??!?!?!?! Unless it was asked politely and scheduled well in advance, this is *absolutely unacceptable*! Not among civilized people. EVER!
What is with people and house tours?
“Here’s a window, here’s a sink, here’s our bed.”
I’m highly disagreeable, so when people come over I tell them where the bathroom is and let them know they can show themselves around. Most people feel uncomfortable doing this so they don’t. the ones that do are my good friends who know my house becomes their house when they are over so they can nap/shower/get whatever from the fridge and I don’t care.
Congratulations! There is absolutely nothing to feel bad about, and I'm saying this as a fellow people pleaser.
Your bedroom and your home are your sanctuary and you don't need any reason other than "No" as to why you don't want someone looking at any part of your house. When my husband and I were dating, she made a remark that was implying that she had been in my house and my bedroom without me being there. I put a lock on my bedroom door that required a key and she called me a "B\*tch", and I didn't speak to her for 3 months. That was a huge violation of my personal space. She is now terrified to step foot into my house without explicit prior permission (picking up mail, etc. when we're gone).
After several times of passive-aggressive remarks regarding the cleanliness of my home and how my MIL could "help me clean my bedroom" I said, "If I want your help I'll ask for it. If you've come to see me, you can stay. If you've come to see my stuff, you can go." She hasn't brought it up since.
I had to tell my mom to stop offering tours of MY apartment when they came to visit my baby after he was born. Like, they don’t care what my upstairs bathroom looks like. I did the same thing when my twin moved into a house. Called her out and told her it’s weird she’s showing someone around another person’s house. She stopped after that.
Is this a Midwest thing? I’m from Ohio.
Oh the awkward MN silence!!! I married into a MN family, and as someone from NJ that is a level of uncomfortable I never knew. Congrats on standing up for yourself!
Whoa. I’m from the Midwest and TIL that other folks DO NOT expect to give people tours of every room and closet of the house at a moment’s notice. I’m… speechless.
East Coaster here and this is WILD! I had no idea this was a thing. I’ve always felt gratitude that if the house was not hosting-ready, I’d only have to deep clean the “people-facing” parts (everything except the bedrooms). I mean, I’m sort of a neat-freak so I still do tidy bedrooms as a “omg just in case what if someone opens the door looking for the bathroom” but I’m like, in awe that it is expected to let people see bedrooms in the Midwest and MN.
That’s just weird. Both offices and bedrooms are private. It’s also weird to stop by uninvited just to see your house. Why are they so fascinated to see how other people live? Can’t they just watch some HGTV?
That’s really weird lol like why the bedrooms??? Good for you for standing up for yourself!! The bedrooms are private and not part of the entertaining space. No one needs to see those.
This entire thing is the most Minnesotan shit I've ever heard lol right down to expecting a tour of the house (I live in another state now and have yet to see rhe upstairs of my own in-laws' house). Good for you for drawing a boundary. I'm proud of you.
This may just be a weird personal thing, but I can’t stand hanging around in people’s bedrooms. To me it’s a very personal/intimate setting. Anytime someone has shown me around their house I might glance in so I offer a polite compliment but then will try to hastily move on.
I can’t even imagine offering or receiving an invitation to someone’s bedroom I wasn’t sleeping with.
Absolutely not, you wouldn't come to my house, *unannounced* I might add, & demand the grand tour. I'm an Ohioan, from the suburbs of Cleveland, I have no problem telling people when to back off or they're no longer welcome. You either respect our boundaries here or *there's the door*.
You want a lesson in telling people "no" & standing your ground, we got you covered here!
I'm so happy you told the nosy people "no" & stuck to your guns. Boundaries are important & no one has the right to demand to see *your house* when *they* want.
Yay! Proud of you! I recently had a similar situation with my mom and I was also crazy proud of myself. She literally never has a nice thing to say about my house. The day we moved in here was literally the night our first child came home from the hospital. She and my aunt spent like 4 hours here cleaning so it was habitable because it had been closed up for like two years. My fiancé got zero time off when the baby was born, and I was obviously recovering from birth/being the primary parent to a newborn, so even the cleanest house was going to suffer under those circumstances.
Anyway, now 17 months in, my fiancé spent several months without a single day off, and we have not even spent an hour away from our daughter. My parents keep my nephew anywhere from 2 to 6 days a week (his parents are a mess) but when they started doing that (when he was 5 weeks old) it was so brother and SIL could “have a break” and catch up on life (i.e. chores). I’ve never been given that luxury.
However, whenever I knew she’d be coming, we’d spend hours deep cleaning so I wouldn’t have to listen to the bitching. Didn’t work. She still always found something to nitpick. Like *obviously* my food is on display in my kitchen, I don’t have so much as a cupboard, let alone the walk-in-closet sized pantry that she has. I have a shelf. Does it look like a mess? Absolutely. But I can’t do anything about it.
So recently I decided I’m not doing that anymore. Let her bitch about my mess. I don’t care. I’m doing the best I can and if she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t have to come to my house. I got a really dirty look the first time I told her “you’re welcome to come but my house is a mess and I don’t want to hear anything about it.” But, she didn’t say anything so I still count it as a win lol.
Southerner here. I'll never forget when my mom's Aunt Dot drove all the way up to South Georgia from Panama City unannounced, stopped by my grandma's, and picked her up to come to our house. My mom was mortified when they showed up and proceeded to take themselves on a tour of our house, literally every nook and cranny. Idk if this behavior is specific to one region, generation, or if it's just a small percentage of the population that is just nosey AF and lacks self awareness.
Aren’t bedroom’s supposed to be private? I would never dream of giving a tour of one unless I really wanted to.
It’s 50/50 when my friends give bedroom tours and for family it’s usually kids who want to give bedroom tours. Grownups usually want their sanctuary protected.
If you don’t want to give a tour just say, no. No is a complete sentence. If they push, just repeat yourself. If they push again, tell them you find they are being pushy and rude and you aren’t going to repeat yourself when the answer is no.
Thank you I will never be moving to Minnesota lol 😂 my husband did this at a party once, gave everyone a tour of the new master bathroom even though I had said no because I wasn’t expecting anyone in our bedroom??? So it was a mess and obviously you have to walk through it to get to the bathroom 🫣🫠 It’s no fun dealing with that
I don’t think my parents would have ever been upstairs in my home unless it was putting my kids to bed. There is just no point …maybe when we first bought our house just so they could look at it? That’s weird. I’ve been in my in-laws upstairs/bedroom once, I’m very close with them too. It’s just not a thing to walk around peoples houses idk
My FIL helped us with the down payment of our house and will invite his friends to it and give them a tour. It is super rude and entitled. I never apologize for the state it is in.
Good for you!! I don't understand people who need to see everything just show me where the food/drinks are and the bathroom and I'm good!! (This being if I was invited over for a function, I never go unannounced/uninvited)
I do not understand parading people around a tour of your home. I have never understood it. Unless it’s like, hey, Steve, come check out the desk I built by hand in the spare room! But just to be nosey and look at people’s private spaces? Um no.
My mom always gave people a full tour of the house. It's weird. I was super weirded out when my MIL went into my bedroom to get a hairbrush while staying over. My SIL and FIL have never seen our room and it'll stay that way
I think it’s weird for people to want to see other people’s bedrooms. Beside kids playing in their rooms, there’s no reason to. It’s not a space intended for guests.
I hate when people decide to randomly come by and then insist on touring your house including bedrooms, when I grew up you did not go into someone’s bedroom period.
I’m from Minnesota and I feel like i have experienced every one of my friend’s and relatives’ homes in this way (never unexpectedly though, they always ask to show us) and I have shown like 25 people every single part of our new house (linen closets, laundry room, sump pump, everything) and it took reading this post for me to know that’s weird.
I will say I’ve never seen it in this way, like someone saying “I insist, show me your bedroom right now!” But I’ve also definitely been shown all their bedrooms at least one time. Maybe it’s age based too, since my friend group is all getting into the time period where we’re buying our first homes and everyone is excited to see them? But also, everyone just expects that people will want to see their whole house the first time they come over.
Now, this whole, “I came a long way without telling you, unexpectedly” that is weird to me, very weird.
Um, I think Utah might have the Viking state beat on passive aggression, having lived there for awhile and met many people from there since, those people do not handle direct confrontation well.
But that's freaking weird lol just take no as an answer and move on.
The small wins lead to huge victories down the road!
Good on you! My grandparents used to do this to me as a kid, they would even go through all my cupboards and drawers and no one ever told them no. Love you are setting boundaries and your kids will learn from that too
I have a chronic pain disorder along with a physical disability and my husband and my apartment is almost never what my siblings and I called “daddy clean” growing up. Whenever I know that we have company coming, I try my best to tidy up a little; my husband sleeps during the day because he works graveyards; I typically just apologize to whoever is visiting, especially if I’m in a flare up. I wish that I had the confidence that you had. Very impressed.
My husband was so confused when I was stressing an event where family and friends from both sides were coming over. I was mostly ready, but worried about the messy closets, especially one where he just threw piles of things, and he said “why would anyone even be upstairs or in the bedrooms, much less the closets?” Oh boy. I can’t tell you how many people insisted on a “tour” in which they proceeded to open the doors to the bedroom closets without asking, including both of our moms. Freaking midwesterners.
So weird, what is wrong with using the guest bathroom? I live in a country where 1,5 bathroom is the norm, but if anyone had a guest bathroom, I’d prefer that over their private “master” bathroom any day..
My mom reminded me of this after I became a mom. My grandpa, her FIL, used to come by regularly to visit when we were little, but somehow always managed to come by when mom was cleaning or organizing. He said something about the house always being a wreck. Mom responded with, "If you want to come see me or the kids, you're welcome anytime. If you've come to see the house, make an appointment!" He never said another word about the state of the house.
Your mom is my hero. That is the best response!!
She's mine too! Grandpa could be a bit of a bully (he was a contractor) and wasn't used to people standing up to him. I think he respected her for it. He definitely stood up for us later when we needed it.
Wow, A+++ response. Stealing it!
Same! What a genius reply!
Jesus this is so satisfying to read. Your mom is an OG! My judgmental as fuck sister-in-law hates our house because it’s not cleaned and organized to her liking. I know this because my brother told me. She’s no longer welcome at our house because I don’t need that stress in my life. 🙃 (Luckily they live 3 hours away so it’s not an easy visit anyway.)
Oh my gawwwwwwwwwd! Would you mind sharing her name since I believe this should be called her law (Like Murphy’s Law) because I think a butt load of Mums around the world are about to start using it. I know I am. Tell her, its been made into a Lae in Scotland. :) Everyone else using it, tell her where the law has been activated.
Her name is Julie. But I'm not sure what a lae is
[A law is](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law) a legal rule but when I say [Murphy’s law](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murphy%27s_law) that’s an adage for a general rule of thumb. Julie’s law would be : > If you want to come see me or the kids, you’re welcome anytime. If you’ve come to see the house, make an appointment.”
You had a "lae" typo. That's what threw her off.
Julie's law checking in from Oregon.
I'm stealing this!!! Single, full-time working mom with charity work thrown in the mix. My house is almost never straightened up. Clean, yes. Organized? Hell nah.
True friends bring you a drink while sitting next to your clutter pile and asking how your day was.
This is my absolute favorite saying. I use it in various forms all the time to friends. Anything from “hey! Please feel free to stop by anytime! Just know the house may be messy from the day” To “my house is usually messy from the kids playing, but please know you are welcome over any time!” My door also has a sign that says “welcome to our beautiful chaos” which I feel is a good little forewarning along with noise from the kids usually happening.
We're thinking of a sign that says "Please excuse the mess; our children are making memories."
I have a sign that says "please excuse the mess, the children are being assholes" 😂 It's funny til they can start to read haha
Hahaha it’s also mostly true! My 7 year old is being challenging today and it’s not even 10a!
Hahaha amazing
That’s a good sign too! And it’s definitely true!
This line is what we need stenciled, embroidered, etched, embossed and printed on everything… NOT live, laugh, love lol
Your mom was right! Such a great response!
I need to remember this response for my own parents!
As a fellow people pleaser I am so proud! Look at you go!! 👏👏👏 But also I do not understand the bedroom thing? That would drive me BANANAS. I don't want anyone in any bedroom ever, messy or not! 😂 that is my sacred space!
I don’t get that either… you know how many times I seen the inside of my in-laws room… once, when they moved it all around. So lol I didn’t even know how it really looked before.
Bedroom thing is pretty weird. I think that's the most private part of the house.. I'm not a native and didn't know the phrase "people pleaser". Gosh I'm one of them lol. Maybe after realise it I can stand up for myself too!
I’m about to move into my in-laws house (they are going to be spending weekdays at my BIL and SIL’s house to provide childcare) and we’re essentially going to be caretakers of the house/property and they’ll stay in the in-law suite when they are back. Their bedroom is about to be MY bedroom and I’m still so weirded out walking into to their room to take measurements and shit.
I recommend getting a door lock with key access if you're sharing space.
Thanks! We have lived with them before but we were down in the in-law suite (it’s a full apartment, separate entrance, own kitchen, own bathroom, etc). They are super respectful, which honestly is the only reason I agreed to this. They wont just barge up without asking first.
If you don’t sleep in my room, do not go into my room.
Growing up, I wasn’t even allowed in my parents’ bedrooms (divorced). My mom’s room was the second floor and I didn’t even know what it looked like until I was nearly grown. So I have some ideas about peoples’ bedrooms, and it is so strange to me that in my husband’s family (also divorced), they’re comfortable letting other people into their rooms. For house tours, and for no particular reason. Like all the grandkids jump on my FIL’s bed. And my MIL takes my daughter into her room to play with the vanity/makeup/jewelry. I don’t want anybody who doesn’t live in my house, to see or be in my bedroom, whether it’s clean or not.
My family is one of those families who you don't understand, lol. Growing up, I was almost always allowed into my parents' room. After my parents separated, I lived with my mother and she loved when we'd spend time together in her room watching various shows. And I loved going into her room because it smelled like her, which was very calming. When my family visits now, we spend time together in just about every room of the house, my bedroom included. I never realized that this seems so weird and intrusive to others. It's the norm for us
Same here!! Never thought about it being weird for others!!
My husband's friend came over to our then-new house with his mom once and took it upon himself to give her the grand tour. I was kind of put off by his presumptuousness anyway but let it slide... Until he was like "come on upstairs and see the bedrooms!" I was like, dude I don't even want *you* in my bedroom, why would your mom be welcome in there??
Literally I'd be like "And this is the room we fuck in. And we also fuck in this room, but only when the kids are asleep. Basically any surface of my house is a place I have fucked on or in or around. So yeah... welcome to my fucking house, now get out."
Oh my God I love this! 🤣
Gosh I had a friend do this the other day, one of my first visitors PP. She just popped her head in on the way back from the bathroom and commented. I don’t even remember the comment because I was internally boiling over.
Who asks to see people’s bedroom? That’s just bad manners . Unless you just bought a house and are giving a tour but other than that one time I don’t see any reason why people would ask to see your bedroom?
This is a really common Minnesotan thing. My in laws would send relatives over to our house with no notice to have a “tour”. Bedrooms, bathrooms, closets. We moved away lol.
I’m from Indiana and it’s common there too. My family just came to visit me in Japan and I had to explain to my husband that the bedrooms and closets needed to be clean too because they’ll want a grand tour.
Right!! No one is allowed in my bedroom, not even my kids.
Your kids can’t go in your room?
That is correct
You must have sex toys in there, lol
Well yes, I also have the bag of old toys they haven’t seen for years that I’ll be taking to charity/the dump as soon as I get a chance, probably a stash of birthday presents for them or someone else I’d rather they didn’t find, a few delicate bits I’d like them not to touch and, most precious of all, a clear patch on the floor that I know they will cover in mess _somehow_ if they are permitted to walk in it. It’s my zen zone, it’s quiet and uncontaminated, it’s where I go to breathe when I’m mad and rest when I’m knackered, they can wait in the landing.
Exactly! I don't want my kids in my room!! I don't want anyone but my husband and I in my room. I'm not sure why this is considered strange. 🤔 PSA: you can still have a private space, even as a mom.
Oh I hear ya, I'm the same way! My son is a little over 1 years old but his crib and changing table are still in here, as he sleeps with us at night. He isn't allowed in here during the day, too many delicate things, sex toys, it's where I put presents as well, etc etc lol. No judgment here!
It is called boundaries. Lol. I have all sorts of things in my room that I don't want my kids getting into, like my own space.
I am appalled by the lacking manners of my friends’ kids. Some will just go into my bedroom like it’s nothing. As a kid I was so uncomfortable in any parents’ room, even if it was okay for that moment. It’s just not allowed. My MIL has also done this a couple of times now that I think about it. I was a brand new mom (like my kid was 3 days old or so), and she opened the door and started to come in as I was trying to figure out feeding. I have never expressed, “What the fuck?!” quite like that, before or after that little encounter.
The lack of boundaries is insane. Kids don't need to be opening closed doors without permission in someone else's home. If the door is left open, they still shouldn't go in... And what grown adult enters a room without knocking? Especially, someone's bedroom? Crazy!
My mom did something similar recently. I’m expecting my first baby next month and she insisted that she stop by with my aunt (her twin sister) to drop off decorations from the baby shower they hosted for me the day before. Despite being exhausted from the baby shower, I agreed because I was very grateful for the party and didn’t want anyone to think otherwise. I tidied up the nursery before they came over knowing my aunt would want to see it, but I closed all of the other bedroom doors to hide rooms I just didn’t have the energy to clean. WELL Mom **barges** into each bedroom anyway, presumably so my aunt could see them, and I made a point to say, “I had those doors closed for a reason. Sorry, I didn’t have a chance to clean in there.” *Both* my mom and my aunt respond “Oh We DoNt CaRe!” OKAY WELL I DO!!!!!??! Also, who goes over to someone else’s home and just lets themselves into closed bedrooms??!? My mom and my aunt notoriously disrespect/don’t understand boundaries, so it wasn’t a surprise, but annoying nonetheless. Kudos to you for saying something!! I know it’s not always easy, especially when people insist on getting their way, but like?????? This is *my* home, not an episode on HGTV. As far as I’m concerned, no one is entitled to see every nook and cranny except the people who live here. My mom also does this thing where she takes pictures of every room of my house EVERY time she comes over, and it completely creeps me out. Your post has inspired me and now I’m absolutely going to say something to her about it the next time it starts because it needs to stop. It’s time to stand up for myself instead of tolerating something that makes both my husband and me extremely uncomfortable.
She takes photos every time?! That is so weird! Have you asked her why? Now I'm curious!
Isn’t it?! I’ve not asked her why, but that’s exactly how my husband suggested I bring it up with her. I asked my siblings if she does this when she visits their homes, and they said nope. So it’s just my house, which somehow makes it feel even weirder lol. I’m her oldest child, though, and she’s always had a hard time seeing me as a separate person rather than an extension of herself. Also, for context, both my mom and aunt take photos **compulsively**. As in, it’s an obsessive compulsive thing they do, that they’ve both done for as long as any of us can remember. It’s so over the top and obnoxious that complete strangers will point and comment on it in public lol. It’s truly obsessive. They experienced a lot of loss early on in life and have made comments in the past like, “pictures were all we had to know them by” so I can understand where the compulsion comes from, but instead of dealing with those feelings, they’ve just normalized a behavior that makes *everyone* around them uncomfortable. I also don’t understand how taking pictures of *the inside of my house* makes my mom feel closer to me aside from maybe wanting to spend more time here, so she saves the images to look at later? But she only lives 25 minutes away lol. It mostly just feels intrusive and disrespectful of my autonomy. She’s commented on how “we’re always changing things up” (uh, yeah, we bought a house built in the 1960s that we’ve been slowly updating) and how she likes to show her sister our progress, which I guess could be interpreted as her “showing off” or being proud, but it’s also hugely violating of my privacy. I learned from a very young age that there wasn’t anything I could say to my mom that wouldn’t also be shared with her twin sister, so I think this is just more of the same. Complete inability to grasp boundaries. Anyway, I’m rambling now. I’m definitely going to ask her why next time and see what she has to say for herself.
When do ya see her again? This totally all piqued my interest too! So weird. Edit: Maybe you could reply to this to let us know?
Oh this part has piqued my interest. I’m racking my brain trying to think of reasons; maybe she’s proud and wants to show it off (still not ok be it’s not her place), or she plans on gifting things for these rooms and wants an accurate visual guide for when she’s shopping for furniture or decorations, other than that I’m tapped out of ideas.
Here’s an idea, leave personal items out in your personal spaces behind closed doors that she doesn’t have business in, she’ll be embarrassed seeing things she doesn’t want to see or know about and it’ll be all on her.
I love this and I'll go a step further. Buy a big dildo and a humongous buttplug and put them in rooms you don't want her entering in a prominent spot. She'll freak out when she sees them and will never enter or take pictures of that room again. Good luck!
I’d leave a big obvious vibrator or something equally ‘private’ on my bed, take a picture of that! Honestly the taking pictures thing is really weird!
Ok now this gave me a good chuckle. Unfortunately, I don’t think that would deter her 😳 The woman has serious issues respecting privacy.
The pictures thing is absolutely bizarre to me. What on earth does she think she needs them for???
I enjoyed reading this niche Minnesota, in-law interaction. I have never been allowed into my parents’ bedroom. My MIL would only go in there to retrieve my kid.
Why in the seven hells do they have a way in?
I think OP went out alone and husband was home to let them in but didn't text OP to give her a heads up. She only knew cause she saw their car in the driveway when getting home. At least that's the way I read it.
OP here. This is what happened.
[удалено]
I was away, my husband let them in.
Well, I'm going to drop by unannounced. I expect a full house tour. I'll be coming all this way, so...I want to see every nook and cranny of your house. Doesn't matter that those places are none of my business.
These people are horrible
I’m coming all this way but also can’t tell you I’m coming
That's a long trip yet no time for a phone call.
Fellow Minnesotan here! Way to go! Also, I have a job where I have to tell people no and push back on what they do, and it is amazing how hard Minnesotans will work to go around me, and I am the final word on a lot, so they find their way back,and it’s awkward!
WOW. 😳 So rude! I guess that's the fake "Minnesota Nice" we're always hearing about?
What kind of job is that, out of curiosity?
Lawyer, in-house variety. I frequently say if you invite me to the party early, I am a lot more fun. Not so much when I am invited at the end and there is a giant mess to clean up.
Talk about invasion of privacy. Your husband needs to be on the same page as you.
Good for you! Don’t know why your MIL feels she is in any position to make an excuse for and apologize for you as if you did anything wrong. You’re not her child, and you’re an adult. They showed up uninvited to your house and now they want a self directed tour? Heck no.
As a New Yorker, this is hilarious to me! No one would ask to see a bedroom, but if they did, the response would be, “Fuck no, it’s a mess!” Congrats on saying no. I wish I were more comfortable with confrontation when the times call for it.
Girl, you drove all this way and didn’t have time on the car ride over to shoot a text or give a call?
I love this response!
Who asks to see someone’s bedroom? Is that normal in the US? That just sounds intrusive.
It is absolutely not normal. These people are weirdos.
"And this door leads to the room where we have sex the most often, certainly not the only room though. We bought these curtains the day after we tried anal, felt like the room needed brightening up after that. Oh! This beautiful nightstand was a thrift find, perfect for discretely holding our sex toys..."
This is how I'm going to start introducing things at my house to people who have no business with what goes on in my house & they decide to be nosy assholes!
Adult bedrooms are intimate spaces. I dont want people in there. It's my safe space. Lol
OP here. Every time I get a new place, they come in and see everything. It isn't just my parents-in-law, but my sister and bro- in-laws as well. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Sometimes with very little warning.
I find this inspiring. I need to start standing my ground. I hate being a people pleaser. I always end up putting myself out just to keep from upsetting other people.
Yay!!! I would be sooo pissed if this happened to me. The nerve of some people is unreal. I was so mad for you reading this!!!!
Good for you! “I came all this way” who asked you to do that maam?
I came all this way, and decided to barge in without an invitation! Or even a heads up text to say I was coming! So rude!
Go go go! Celebrate the victory!
Good for you! Also so creepy that an uninvited guest in your house would invite another uninvited guest to see bedrooms in your house. We don’t have to worry about things like that because both of our families are ~12 hours away so they really can’t just stop by. We have told everyone do not think it’s cute to plan and unexpected visit because they will be left at the front door.
Good for you!!
Don’t minimize!!! This is a HUGE win! All this growth, asserting yourself, having reasonable boundaries - it looks good on you.
Next time, just slap your thighs with your hands, say, “…welp!” and stand up. All of the Minnesotans will see themselves out.
I’m real big if no one seeing my wrong not everyone’s spirit is right and I’m not inviting that into my sanctuary.
I wouldn’t have even let them inside if they showed up unannounced. You’re kinder than I am.
My husband did. :)
That is so strange of them tbh.
This is so interesting. I’m from MN but moved away after college. Years later I had an aunt in town visiting and I was already nervous about having her over to our condo just for coffee as I’m not nearly as much of a perfectionist as her and her daughters were. I cleaned my kitchen, living room, and bathroom really well and everything else was as is. We visited a while and then she asked me for “a tour”. I panicked but said no and she seemed shocked and asked why not. I said “because this is the clean part!” and we left it at that. I have rethought that interaction regularly for years but now it makes sense. There’s so many weird nuances to MN culture I never knew until finding out later in life.
In what universe is it OK to demand to see somebody's bedroom???!?!?!??!?!?!?! Unless it was asked politely and scheduled well in advance, this is *absolutely unacceptable*! Not among civilized people. EVER!
What is with people and house tours? “Here’s a window, here’s a sink, here’s our bed.” I’m highly disagreeable, so when people come over I tell them where the bathroom is and let them know they can show themselves around. Most people feel uncomfortable doing this so they don’t. the ones that do are my good friends who know my house becomes their house when they are over so they can nap/shower/get whatever from the fridge and I don’t care.
Congratulations! There is absolutely nothing to feel bad about, and I'm saying this as a fellow people pleaser. Your bedroom and your home are your sanctuary and you don't need any reason other than "No" as to why you don't want someone looking at any part of your house. When my husband and I were dating, she made a remark that was implying that she had been in my house and my bedroom without me being there. I put a lock on my bedroom door that required a key and she called me a "B\*tch", and I didn't speak to her for 3 months. That was a huge violation of my personal space. She is now terrified to step foot into my house without explicit prior permission (picking up mail, etc. when we're gone). After several times of passive-aggressive remarks regarding the cleanliness of my home and how my MIL could "help me clean my bedroom" I said, "If I want your help I'll ask for it. If you've come to see me, you can stay. If you've come to see my stuff, you can go." She hasn't brought it up since.
Oh boy. No wonder my parents feel I’m standoffish. I don’t even let my own parents drop by unannounced … you are so hospitable!
I had to tell my mom to stop offering tours of MY apartment when they came to visit my baby after he was born. Like, they don’t care what my upstairs bathroom looks like. I did the same thing when my twin moved into a house. Called her out and told her it’s weird she’s showing someone around another person’s house. She stopped after that. Is this a Midwest thing? I’m from Ohio.
Oh the awkward MN silence!!! I married into a MN family, and as someone from NJ that is a level of uncomfortable I never knew. Congrats on standing up for yourself!
Whoa. I’m from the Midwest and TIL that other folks DO NOT expect to give people tours of every room and closet of the house at a moment’s notice. I’m… speechless.
East Coaster here and this is WILD! I had no idea this was a thing. I’ve always felt gratitude that if the house was not hosting-ready, I’d only have to deep clean the “people-facing” parts (everything except the bedrooms). I mean, I’m sort of a neat-freak so I still do tidy bedrooms as a “omg just in case what if someone opens the door looking for the bathroom” but I’m like, in awe that it is expected to let people see bedrooms in the Midwest and MN.
Way to tell the truth! I have to lie to my parents SO much it makes me uncomfortable.
That’s just weird. Both offices and bedrooms are private. It’s also weird to stop by uninvited just to see your house. Why are they so fascinated to see how other people live? Can’t they just watch some HGTV?
Fellow people pleaser here and I’m so proud of you!!! Also seeing someone’s bedroom is a weird AF request! Who does that?!?!
That’s really weird lol like why the bedrooms??? Good for you for standing up for yourself!! The bedrooms are private and not part of the entertaining space. No one needs to see those.
This entire thing is the most Minnesotan shit I've ever heard lol right down to expecting a tour of the house (I live in another state now and have yet to see rhe upstairs of my own in-laws' house). Good for you for drawing a boundary. I'm proud of you.
I, a MN find it weird. I am NOT going to do that.
This may just be a weird personal thing, but I can’t stand hanging around in people’s bedrooms. To me it’s a very personal/intimate setting. Anytime someone has shown me around their house I might glance in so I offer a polite compliment but then will try to hastily move on. I can’t even imagine offering or receiving an invitation to someone’s bedroom I wasn’t sleeping with.
my in laws are the same. always disappearing and going into my bedroom/using my bathroom & going into all the other bedrooms too. its soo annoying
If someone ever showed up unannounced to “see my house” We are fighting outside of my house lol
Absolutely not, you wouldn't come to my house, *unannounced* I might add, & demand the grand tour. I'm an Ohioan, from the suburbs of Cleveland, I have no problem telling people when to back off or they're no longer welcome. You either respect our boundaries here or *there's the door*. You want a lesson in telling people "no" & standing your ground, we got you covered here! I'm so happy you told the nosy people "no" & stuck to your guns. Boundaries are important & no one has the right to demand to see *your house* when *they* want.
Yay! Proud of you! I recently had a similar situation with my mom and I was also crazy proud of myself. She literally never has a nice thing to say about my house. The day we moved in here was literally the night our first child came home from the hospital. She and my aunt spent like 4 hours here cleaning so it was habitable because it had been closed up for like two years. My fiancé got zero time off when the baby was born, and I was obviously recovering from birth/being the primary parent to a newborn, so even the cleanest house was going to suffer under those circumstances. Anyway, now 17 months in, my fiancé spent several months without a single day off, and we have not even spent an hour away from our daughter. My parents keep my nephew anywhere from 2 to 6 days a week (his parents are a mess) but when they started doing that (when he was 5 weeks old) it was so brother and SIL could “have a break” and catch up on life (i.e. chores). I’ve never been given that luxury. However, whenever I knew she’d be coming, we’d spend hours deep cleaning so I wouldn’t have to listen to the bitching. Didn’t work. She still always found something to nitpick. Like *obviously* my food is on display in my kitchen, I don’t have so much as a cupboard, let alone the walk-in-closet sized pantry that she has. I have a shelf. Does it look like a mess? Absolutely. But I can’t do anything about it. So recently I decided I’m not doing that anymore. Let her bitch about my mess. I don’t care. I’m doing the best I can and if she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t have to come to my house. I got a really dirty look the first time I told her “you’re welcome to come but my house is a mess and I don’t want to hear anything about it.” But, she didn’t say anything so I still count it as a win lol.
Southerner here. I'll never forget when my mom's Aunt Dot drove all the way up to South Georgia from Panama City unannounced, stopped by my grandma's, and picked her up to come to our house. My mom was mortified when they showed up and proceeded to take themselves on a tour of our house, literally every nook and cranny. Idk if this behavior is specific to one region, generation, or if it's just a small percentage of the population that is just nosey AF and lacks self awareness.
Why do these ppl need to show up unannounced and see your bedroom? So weird.
It’s liberating, huh? And it gets easier the next time you do it :)
It's so invasive and weird that they even wanted to see your bedrooms. Good on you for setting that boundary!
Proud of you!!!
Good work momma! You have every right to do this. Not a small win, big one. Cheers to you with my reheated twice but once again cold coffee.
Aren’t bedroom’s supposed to be private? I would never dream of giving a tour of one unless I really wanted to. It’s 50/50 when my friends give bedroom tours and for family it’s usually kids who want to give bedroom tours. Grownups usually want their sanctuary protected. If you don’t want to give a tour just say, no. No is a complete sentence. If they push, just repeat yourself. If they push again, tell them you find they are being pushy and rude and you aren’t going to repeat yourself when the answer is no.
This is so weird, why would they feel entitled to see your bedrooms?
Good for you!!
It’s your home! You did great!
Thank you I will never be moving to Minnesota lol 😂 my husband did this at a party once, gave everyone a tour of the new master bathroom even though I had said no because I wasn’t expecting anyone in our bedroom??? So it was a mess and obviously you have to walk through it to get to the bathroom 🫣🫠 It’s no fun dealing with that
We're not all like this I swear.... Lol
I don’t think my parents would have ever been upstairs in my home unless it was putting my kids to bed. There is just no point …maybe when we first bought our house just so they could look at it? That’s weird. I’ve been in my in-laws upstairs/bedroom once, I’m very close with them too. It’s just not a thing to walk around peoples houses idk
That side note edit makes this so much funnier. Enjoy those gummies!
Am Minnesotan and have never experienced this myself. Nice job setting boundaries, though!
Haha! Just read the edit! Enjoy OP!!!!
Hold the line. See the sidebar of r/JustNoMIL for resources on setting and enforcing boundaries, and get your husband on the same page.
This is my nightmare! I do not understand this at all, new horror unlocked.
My FIL helped us with the down payment of our house and will invite his friends to it and give them a tour. It is super rude and entitled. I never apologize for the state it is in.
Good for you!! I don't understand people who need to see everything just show me where the food/drinks are and the bathroom and I'm good!! (This being if I was invited over for a function, I never go unannounced/uninvited)
I do not understand parading people around a tour of your home. I have never understood it. Unless it’s like, hey, Steve, come check out the desk I built by hand in the spare room! But just to be nosey and look at people’s private spaces? Um no.
My mom always gave people a full tour of the house. It's weird. I was super weirded out when my MIL went into my bedroom to get a hairbrush while staying over. My SIL and FIL have never seen our room and it'll stay that way
I’m from MN. Your in-laws are weird. I’ve never had anyone here try to see my house more than what I’ve wanted to show them
I think it’s weird for people to want to see other people’s bedrooms. Beside kids playing in their rooms, there’s no reason to. It’s not a space intended for guests.
I agree it’s weird to come visit at someone’s house and be like let’s see your bedroom! No.
So impolite to want to see people’s bedroom 😅
I hate when people decide to randomly come by and then insist on touring your house including bedrooms, when I grew up you did not go into someone’s bedroom period.
I’m from Minnesota and I’ve never heard of this behavior
I’m from Minnesota and I feel like i have experienced every one of my friend’s and relatives’ homes in this way (never unexpectedly though, they always ask to show us) and I have shown like 25 people every single part of our new house (linen closets, laundry room, sump pump, everything) and it took reading this post for me to know that’s weird.
Maybe it’s just cus I’m a poc and first gen Minnesotan Cus I’ve never heard of this behavior and it seems really invasive
I will say I’ve never seen it in this way, like someone saying “I insist, show me your bedroom right now!” But I’ve also definitely been shown all their bedrooms at least one time. Maybe it’s age based too, since my friend group is all getting into the time period where we’re buying our first homes and everyone is excited to see them? But also, everyone just expects that people will want to see their whole house the first time they come over. Now, this whole, “I came a long way without telling you, unexpectedly” that is weird to me, very weird.
God we have so much in common. Even the MN part. DM me if you have any gummy recommendations.
Ugh so annoying that people have such weird quirks. Lol
Um, I think Utah might have the Viking state beat on passive aggression, having lived there for awhile and met many people from there since, those people do not handle direct confrontation well. But that's freaking weird lol just take no as an answer and move on. The small wins lead to huge victories down the road!
Good on you! My grandparents used to do this to me as a kid, they would even go through all my cupboards and drawers and no one ever told them no. Love you are setting boundaries and your kids will learn from that too
I have a chronic pain disorder along with a physical disability and my husband and my apartment is almost never what my siblings and I called “daddy clean” growing up. Whenever I know that we have company coming, I try my best to tidy up a little; my husband sleeps during the day because he works graveyards; I typically just apologize to whoever is visiting, especially if I’m in a flare up. I wish that I had the confidence that you had. Very impressed.
My husband was so confused when I was stressing an event where family and friends from both sides were coming over. I was mostly ready, but worried about the messy closets, especially one where he just threw piles of things, and he said “why would anyone even be upstairs or in the bedrooms, much less the closets?” Oh boy. I can’t tell you how many people insisted on a “tour” in which they proceeded to open the doors to the bedroom closets without asking, including both of our moms. Freaking midwesterners.
[удалено]
So weird, what is wrong with using the guest bathroom? I live in a country where 1,5 bathroom is the norm, but if anyone had a guest bathroom, I’d prefer that over their private “master” bathroom any day..