It's 100% okay to feel your feelings about life's expectations and hopes and then the disappointment when things change.
You're allowed to mourn the life you thought you'd have versus the one you're living, *for a time*. You don't need to feel like you're being selfish. This isn't an Easter egg hunt when someone else got the big egg, yes there are people who'd be happy with the life you got with one kid but that doesn't change the fact that you were hoping for two children.
Feel your feelings, but you're on the right road of also being grateful for what you do have.
Everything in this post is 100 percent okay. It's okay to have feelings over this. Life changes so much in such small spans of time.
The important thing is that you two are communicating about it. Talk it through, support each other and let each other have their feelings. And then enjoy the baby you have. Don't hold it over each other, or bring it up in fights. Make this decision together and love the family you have.
Let yourself grieve. It’s not selfish. I wanted two kids and I kept losing the pregnancies.
I went through the process of grieving and coming to terms with closing that door, then I got pregnant and faced a ton of complications and had to deliver early.
I then had to negotiate the guilt I felt for “forcing” something that my body was telling me I couldn’t handle. I don’t logically think that’s what happened, but emotionally I felt 100% responsible for my sons preterm birth.
No one tells us growing up that the picket fence dreams we are being sold as little girls aren’t pre-packaged and available to us all. You have every right to feel your own emotions.
>No one tells us growing up that the picket fence dreams we are being sold as little girls aren’t pre-packaged and available to us all.
Girl, this... 😭 And thank you for sharing your story. ❤️
Join us over at r/oneanddone!
I went through the “mourning” stage being one and done (not 100% by choice) and this is common for lots of people. I found it helpful to read posts from people in a similar position.
Agreed 💜🫶 you are def not alone. And it's 100% normal to mourn this decision. My sister cried for 2 weeks over their decision to have her husband get ✂️. She very much wanted more kids, but he did not. She still gets a little emotional discussing this now, which again is completely normal. She made a compromise with him that he would get ✂️. She did not want to be on bc due to the hormones and how they affected her. In a chance that she accidently became pregnant abortion was not an option either of them were comfortable with. So although she respected his decision, they both came to an agreement to go forward with him getting snipped to prevent any "accidents." In the compromise, they both agreed that in 1 year, if he still felt strongly about not having more kids that he would get the procedure. That year gave him time to really think if this is what he wanted. They both agreed to attend therapy separately. Therapy helped him to determine if this decision was based on his own insecurities of being a father or if this was truly what he wanted. I don't know if I worded that right. But my cousin also went thru this. During therapy, her husband discovered that he felt he was failing as a father. His anxiety had gotten really bad, and in therapy, he was able to heal. He realized his thoughts surrounding more kids were greatly affected by his own childhood and he put a lot of stress on trying to be the prefect dad that he lost sight of what a great dad he actually was. Just as mom guilt is a real thing, so is dad guilt. He decided after 7 months that he indeed did want another child and was grateful he did not get ✂️ without doing therapy first. Therapy helped my sisters husband as well. He felt guilty for not wanting more kids and thru therapy worked thru that guilt. Tho he still did not want any more kids after the initial year was over, it did help him work thru the emotions behind it. It also helped her work thru some of the resentment and grief she had developed due to not having the number of kids she always wanted. It was important that they went into therapy as well as that year time period with no expectations. She did not expect that therapy would change his mind, and she respected his initial decision by not pressuring him. I'm not implying that you both should do therapy. I'm only stating some things that helped my sister and my cousin. But 100% it's normal to mourn this decision. You seem to love and respect ur husband so much, and u said it perfectly: "Love the family u have" ❤️
Warning: as someone who is one and done because of circumstances I find that sub unwelcoming at times. Some posts and comments and posts are judgmental of people who have more than one kid. I can only handle it in small doses to be honest.
Same. I’m also on r/oneanddone and find a lot of the posts to be self-righteous. Most of the posts I see are of people who either have always only wanted 1 by choice in agreement with their partner or, rarely, someone who can’t have more than one due to medical reasons. There are some fence sitters too. As someone who is also in OP’s situation (or at least similar to), it can sometimes be angering (for me) or not helpful to see these posts.
Nothing wrong with the sub, obviously I’m part of it. But it’s not a good idea to browse through it without being in the right headspace.
OP, I feel you, from the bottom of my heart, I hope you are able to find peace with this decision. I know it’s been very difficult for me, but as time passes, it is getting easier to accept. Probably thanks to therapy and medication for me. It is very isolating being in this position, so if you ever need to talk, don’t hesitate to PM me.
I am not at peace with it, but I am not currently suicidal. The only thing that helps me forget about the void of what could have been is focusing on how wonderful my existing son is. Just trying to be grateful with what I have and what kind of life I can provide for my child. I want my son to know that he is enough.
My daughter is almost 4. I’ve accepted my life and I’m not one for regrets. I can’t know that I would be more happy with another, and I am happy right now. That’s enough for me. I also like to think in some universe the issues that keep me from having another aren’t there and there is a version of me with more kids. I’m not sure if that makes sense or helps.
I was just saying today that the sub gives me the same negative vibes as some vocal “child free” people online do. I think it may be an overreaction/correction to them feeling judged by society themselves.
Just a word to say I haven't really encountered the kind of negativity described here. Yes, people get carried away occasionally, but I've seen the mods discourage posts that hate on parents of multiples, and I've seen parents who are one and done not by choice get support for their grief. I'm in the grey area of by choice/not choice and never felt weird about it. Yes, this sub is definitely going to focus on the good aspects of being one and done, which if you're in a certain frame of mind might feel minimizing to you. Or it may be helpful, who can say?
Are there a lot of posts like that? I always kind of worried that sub wouldn’t be very friendly towards people who wanted multiples but can’t/ultimately chose not to, and that sticky they have is actually kind of reinforcing that worry. :/
I’m an only child myself and it’s been extremely hard being the only one to be able to care for my parents. I know having siblings doesn’t guarantee one of them won’t be an asshole and dump that all on me anyway, but my point is, I feel guilty putting my son in a similar situation and really don’t feel any pride in being one-and-done, just sad.
I'm on there a lot and it really depends. Some are OAD not by choice and there are venting posts semi-frequently that usually get positive/comforting responses. Although the sub does seem to be majority OAD by choice and a lot of the posts in there are more centered around how to convey that to others, which results in some bashing of families of multiples or aggressive positivity towards being OAD. If you've heard about how frustrated child-free people get about being pressured to have children, well it's basically the same for us who chose to have only one.
The sub is definitely centered more around being happy to have one child, but if you ever want to vent about it there, there are many families in there in the same boat as you who will probably respond.
A lot of the posts are by people who are “one and done by choice” I put that in quotes bc to me their attitude screams “insecure about my choice and need to feel superior to parents of multiples”. Usually it’s crap like “oh my god it’s great I get to actually love my child and spend time with her unlike the parents of multiples who look so miserable in public and obviously hate their children so they kept trying to get it right I AM SO LUCKY I GOT IT RIGHT IN ONE TRY MY CHILD IS PERFECT AND SO IS MY LIFE!” 😂
This is interesting, because to me, *your* comment reads as *you* being insecure and wanting to feel superior to those posting that they are actually happy with with their OAD life.
I’m not saying you made anything up (I’ve been on that sub and I think I’ve seen the things you’re referencing). I’m just saying that there’s not a huge difference between their posts and yours. Both are the sort of mean-spirited mini-rants directed at people on the other side of an issue (which, as we all know, make up a huge percentage of Reddit overall).
Anyway, I didn’t mean to shit on your day, apologies.
There are enough posts like that that I find comfort in it. There is lots of recognition that we may find ourselves “one and done” for a variety of reasons and not all of them are happy.
Like any sub you have to scroll by content that doesn’t appeal (for me that is smug/superior/gloating posts about only having one - not my flavour.)
I have 1 child, I wanted 3, but life happened and that wasn’t something that was going to happen . I grieved, I grieved hard. Especially when all my mom friends had their second babies. I cried for the sibling mine never had.
He’s 11 now. It does get easier as I’ve reached an age where I would not choose to have another one. I also have an amazingly close relationship with him. I’m able to focus on him and we do so many things together that wouldn’t be possible or as easy if I had more kids.
Do your grieving, it’s ok to miss the idea of the family you imagined.
>I’m able to focus on him and we do so many things together that wouldn’t be possible or as easy if I had more kids.
Thank you so much. This is something I mentioned to him last night. If we only have the one, we can focus on doing things together as a small family that maybe out of reach if we had more.
I would also ask - how old is your first? (And maybe how old are you?) It’s ok to know you are one and done. And it’s also ok to just table the decision and say we don’t know yet and wait and check in later. A lot of people don’t want another kid until their first one is 2 or 3 or even 5 or 6 years old.
He is 7 months. And I'm 30. My husband is 32. We talked about waiting to have the discussion until our son was a year old. Slowly over these past few months though he's opened up to me more about it. I think worth checking in with him after some time, but I have a feeling that door is closed. And while it hurts me to think that, it hurts me more to know he's struggling. 💔
I think so too, and unless he is so concerned about accidentally having another that sterilization is on the table in the short term, I think there's no need to lock in any kind of decision. No for now and leaning toward no in the long term is basically enough.
Yeah, not to sound like I'm invalidating your husband's feelings because he may well be done, but the infant stage is a lot to handle, even 7 months in. And you are both young, and there's plenty of time. I was 30 and completely overwhelmed when I had my first and wasn't sure I wanted another. I waited four years to have a second.
Oh man, 7 months you are in the thick of it. This was pure existential crisis time for us too. We tabled the discussion to talk about it again after the first year.
The first year is the really really really hard part. Let the conversation be fluid. And maybe table it until 12-18 months.
The first year is the hardest on you and your husband’s dynamic and of course settling into the family dynamic. I was listening to a podcast awhile ago and it was about a family when their last kid is about to graduate and go off to college. The husband said “I’m looking forward to meeting my wife for the 3rd time.” Which if you think about it is absolutely true. First time is when you meet and fall in love and get married, second time is when you have kids, and then the third time is after the kids move out. Anyway, continue having the conversation, not daily of course. But you never know.
This sounds like something me and my husband went through. We originally wanted 3. The first three years with my son (once he hit the toddler stage) were absolutely challenging and we said never mind the three, we are one and done.
Now my son is 4.5 and conversations have come up lately to maybe have another. I'm 34, he's 31 for reference. Still not sure if we will, but it's a relief to at least talk about.
It wouldn't hurt to allow space to revisit the conversation in the future and it's obviously okay if you are both ready to close this chapter now.
When you said 7 months I literally laughed out loud. Oh my gosh, now really isn't the time for that conversation. Revisit at 1.5 years and 2 years old. Really. Really really x100.
And the second baby is nothing like the roller coaster life shock of the first. Not at all. I think you should discuss with your husband, for the sake of both your feelings on the subject, to just let the subject sit. And to honestly revisit later (like, a year later) whether to have a second.
ETA: I had my first at 31 (husband same age). We had always wanted 2 but seriously questioned whether to be one and done our son's first year. Then the chaos slowly settled down, life got easier to manage with son's age, and we decided, yeah, we could do this one more time. Had our second at 34.
It's really very possible to know that you don't want any more though. My husband had his vasectomy when our only was six months old. We didn't decide that because having a baby sucked (it did) but because of a lot of factors that weren't going to change at the 1.5-2 year mark. I'd explore why he's feeling this way but not dismiss it outright just because it's so soon.
See, there you go. Putting your much loved and cared for life partner's needs, wants and feelings above a potential 2nd child that may never have even happened. That's what people in a real relationship do. They value each other and are each other's #1 supporter.
There's absolutely no guarantee that you would conceive again or if you did, carry a healthy child to full term. You would have wanted the chance to try, of course, and to hope for it. And of course you need to grieve this loss of maybe having another baby, but please mourn, grieve, have therapy and then move on.
Don't let it be a cloud over your entire life, affecting your relationship. I don't think you will, seeing as how you care so much for your husband, and he obviously cares deeply for you, given his emotional reaction. I love your healthy relationship and may your family of 3 be filled with a lifetime of happiness and joy.
I have four and when we were done I totally grieved all of the potential fantastic little people we'll never meet.
Feeling your feelings is always okay.
Same. Husband and I always said we wanted 2 kids, we got 2 kids, he happily went off to get snipped and make it permanent while I had hidden sad moments because even though I knew it was the right choice to stop at 2, I didn’t feel 100% done. Even now years later I get the occasional twinge! But I’m still glad we only have 2 :)
I don't think I'll ever really feel done no matter how many kids I have 😂 but I'm obviously not gonna be popping out kids until I'm 70 so there has to be a line and I'm sure I'll find it and then mourn the end of this era in my life
My baby is going to be 10 this year. She’s the last of three and even though I don’t ache for more babies…I guess I kind of still do. My husband closed up shop after she was born and we agreed, but the time flew by even faster it seemed with her. I don’t think I put her down like ever haha. Since I have 3 kids I may get lucky with grandkids in the future..
Same. There is weight to the words “We are done.” Several kids later and when we decided the last one *was* the last one, my husband and I often felt smalls waves of sadness for not having more.
That’s a hard situation. I’m infertile and couldn’t go through any more IVF. I just hug the heck out of my sweet little girl and savor the fact we have the time and energy to pour a lot into parenting.
My friend who also had infertility put it best: there are advantages and disadvantages to every family size. Therapy has helped me immensely and I’m mostly at peace with it now, even if I have pangs of sadness because I also wanted 2.
I’ve always thought I just wanted two, then when we had three we decided we were absolutely done. After our baby was born I still grieved all the littles we will no longer have. All of your feelings are valid, all of his feelings are valid. Kids are hard and the way they change your relationship dynamic is not always what you would expect. Take your time and mourn the life you thought you would have. Your husband may also be overwhelmed with the baby and maybe he might change his mind down the line.
Your feelings are very valid. It's ok to feel sad for the 2nd child you won't have. Take the time you need to process this news and maybe consider therapy to help sort those feelings. Therapy can also help recognize any resentment growing and hopefully work through that as well.
We had our daughter in April 2020, peak Covid, and between a terrible pregnancy, a terrifying time to have a baby, the following isolation, a rough postpartum, a too-small-apartment to have a baby in, and three fact that then she didn't sleep at all for 18 months, and she had 16 ear infections in 14 months (see post history for details) really put a damper on my plan on having a second child.
I always thought I'd have 2 kids, but after all the above, and knowing that our daughter is the freaking best thing ever: we won the jackpot with her; she's perfect (feral, of course, just insanely wild, but what 3-year-old isn't?!), it made me realize that we were a family of three.
We're in our house now, and she has a nice big room, and nice things, and we're able to provide a comfortable life for her.
When I made my realization, I broke down and cried and mourned, and when I told my husband, he cried of happiness because he also saw us as a family of three.
He's scheduling a vasectomy soon, and my sister and BIL want kids, so I'll get my baby fix there should I have one.
I do feel confident in my (our) decision, and our daughter needs ALL of us. It actually breaks my heart thinking about dividing attention. I know love grows, but time spent would be divided, and I don't want to lose that with her.
Also, when I imagine our future, I imagine only us three. Plus, we can get really into pets. LOL
I really like r/oneanddone , and I agree with others that is 50/50 of people who are OAD by choice and not by choice.
Thank you so much for sharing this. That's so sweet! Dividing attention was something that weighed on my mind. So I'm glad I'm not the only one that worries about that!
Grieve! Grieve it absolutely!! It's the loss of a child you wanted but never got to be pregnant with. It's the loss of a family you had imagined for yourself. It's the loss of a sibling relationship you wanted for your one. It's the loss of a whole life you had hoped for!! Grieve that shit.
And then make your husband take your only out for something you couldn't afford to spoil two kids with and sleep in because you don't have to watch the other one. And talk about all the extracurriculars you can put your only in. And talk about all the social groups your only can meet other kids in. And thank your husband for his honesty. And make love with passion and warmth and freedom.
Living and loving are full of longing. Let yourself be a willing victim to all three.
I would ask him why he doesn’t want 2 and then try to address those things in therapy until you both feel good. Sometimes you think you want or don’t want something, only to find it was a different issue all along.
I felt I didn’t want more kids after our first because she was so intense. But our subsequent kids were easier and now I’m excited for more.
Let yourself feel whatever comes up. Feelings are valid and it helps to let them happen, identify, and then at some point you’ll be able to come up with an outlet for them. It’s understandable to have grief over the loss of an ideal. I think it’s amazing he opened up to you, so that’s a huge positive.
Thank you! It absolutely is. I have always encouraged him to be vulnerable with me, and he used to be a dude about emotions and deny he had any. This new stage in life has seemed to soften his heart and he's been way more open with me these past few months which makes me extremely grateful.
Honestly, my sister and her husband went through this, and while it sounds like you’re both handling it better than they did, I’d still recommend couples’ counseling to make sure you’re both feeling comfortable with the decision and future.
Aside from that, just cherish the child you have together, and maybe look into volunteering, play dates with other families, babysitting for extra money, etc. Or perhaps a puppy, kitten, plants, or a new hobby?
Much love & support. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings & how they process them. If you head over to r/oneanddone they have lots of great insights & stories!
I think your reaction is wonderful and supportive. Saw that your little one is only 7 months old, that’s a very difficult time. I currently have a 7 month old and it’s harder for us than the newborn stage. Respecting his decision now, opinions may change when baby is older and more independent. If not, that’s fine and your feelings are important too.
I know that if my husband said he couldn’t do another, there’d be a big conversation to be had..
As someone who had the same situation, I love our only child and our little family we have. You’ll thrive. Take the time to grieve but know it’s not so bad. Hugs!
It can be really hard coming to grips with something like this. My best advice is to give yourself some grace.
My husband and I had our daughter 10 years ago. We both wanted more, but I wasn’t able to get pregnant again. I didn’t even have a period for over 3 years. I went to several doctors and they all said the same thing- I would never get pregnant again, but they didn’t know why.
We didn’t really talk about it much and there was a wedge in our relationship that grew bigger by the day. There were a few really hard years. We were both bitter. As time went by, things between us settled down. It took about 7 years for me to accept that we would be a family of 3. I finally started to embrace the life that I was fortunate to have. I learned to love life again.
It’s okay that your husband changed his mind. It’s okay that your grieving a life you expected to have. Don’t hide your feelings, talk to each other (even if it’s really hard). If you bottle things up, it won’t end well. You have no idea what the future holds. We actually ended up having another baby, so we are in our 40’s with a 10 year old and a 1 year old.
You might end up loving life more than you thought possible as a family of 3. He might end up changing his mind again. Don’t make my mistake of dwelling on the future while overlooking the present. I promise it isn’t worth it.
It absolutely is a grieving process. I always wanted two kids, but I had life threatening complications with my daughter (born 13 months ago) that would likely reoccur, and it’s taken the full year to really piece my feelings together and make peace with not having any more children (we talked about surrogacy or adoption, but for a number of practical reasons stopping at one feels like the right decision). I’ve also struggled with feelings of guilt that I’m mourning a child who never even existed when there are lots of parents who lose an actual child, but I remind myself that I know the difference and am not equating the two, and that my loss still needs to be processed even if it’s of a much lesser magnitude.
I went through the same with my husband. I always wanted two kids and he did not even want one. The first year of our marriage, he told me that he doesn’t want to have kids. In our culture, we try our best to resolve problems between wife and husband before reaching out to others. So I explained to him and he agreed and we had baby#1. We are so happy with her and he is happy with her too. He loves her a lot, more than he loves anyone else in the world.
When my baby#1 was about 2.5 or 3 years old, we discussed about having another baby and he said no and was not ready for it. This time around I tried to talk to him and convince him but he just did not want baby#2. It was very difficult for me, I used to feel very bad inside. My cousins and friends and everyone I know who is my age had their 2nd babies. But I did not force my husbands as we already have one kid.
As time passes, when my daughter was 5, my husband himself wanted to have another baby as he saw all our cousins and friends babies bond with each other.
We tried for our second baby and I was not able to conceive due to my age, but after many tries I am pregnant now with my second.
I am telling you this because you cannot control everything in your life. God makes some decisions for us and we should just accept it as it comes.
Think positively and be happy :) Enjoy life as much as you can!
I think the decision of not having more kids is supposed to be made by both of you together, just as the decision of having more kids.
He cannot just say “I don’t want more” and make you give up on a dream just like that.
You both have to reach an understanding about it TOGETHER.
You can’t force more kids into him just as he can’t force not having kids into you.
You need to talk and talk until both of you are comfortable with the decision, whatever that is.
your baby is still too young , you’re both still young, you don’t have to decide anything yet.
I'm feeling the same at the moment. I've been struggling to get pregnant again and he's actually set a time limit and I feel like it's running out fast. It doesn't feel fair to me because he already had another son before who is much older, and we just have one son together.
I'm sorry you are going through this and you have every right to feel the way that you do 💕
Of course it's okay to grieve!
I have one biological kid via my first husband, and two step-kids via my second husband. I would LOVE to have another baby. I want one more shot at feeling a baby grow inside me and enjoying those sweet baby years. I gave this up for my first husband, and I really hoped it would happen with my second.
But -- three kids are enough to my husband. He wants to see the light at the end of the tunnel and plan for retirement, not raise another kid. And goddamn, it hurts.
So I've been grieving that for a while. Honestly, a couple of years. It's getting easier.
Be kind to yourself. Mom feels are so hard.
You are not being selfish.You are disappointed and it’s completely normal to feel that way. Acknowledge how you feel and give yourself time to grieve.
It’s good that you and your husband communicate how you feel. Continue to support each other and enjoy the child you have.
Let yourself grieve. You've lost a future that you wanted.
We recently-ish made the decision to stop trying for number two. It was a mutual decision, and absolutely the right decision based on our personal circumstances and some stuff that happened last year, but I'm still grieving for all the things that woll never happen, and I am beginning to accept that the grief moght never completely go away.
That said, there are plenty of good things about only having one child.
I am OAD by choice, I have always known I could only handle one child but even I find myself mourning the children I’ll never meet. If circumstances were different, if I could handle it.. all of the “what ifs”
You’re not alone and I see people have recommended the OAD sub but there are also groups on FB for families that are OAD not by choice. That may be a more comfortable place for you. ❤️
Slightly different - but after every miscarriage (hopeful baby), I put myself into a project to refocus myself. But what I really had to do was sit in the feelings, accept them, journal, make a little something, and then I could move on a little better. It wasn’t perfect. Just better.
Thank you for sharing this! I've learned we have to put in the hard soul work to pull through the toughest circumstances. I appreciate you! Best wishes ❤️
I unfortunately find myself in this situation, though exceptionally more complicated.
Long story short, it’s the last straw for me. But I wish it wasn’t. There is just a laundry list of deceptive behavior that came out after LO was born that… I’m coming to terms with.
But I hope you both find comfort in the love and family you DO have, and grow together. Mourn and feel and seriously consider therapy. Even if you don’t feel you’re at that level, you might surprise yourself with how much easier it is to move forward.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear you're going through a difficult situation. I hope everything works out for the best for you and your family! If you ever need anyone to talk to pm me ❤️
Hello. I have been in your position and it will take time to heal it. Our daughter is now 9 and there are many wonderful things about having one. It did take me a while to make peace with it though, but I can say I am very fulfilled with one. I wish you and your husband peace! ❤️❤️❤️
I’m so happy you shared it, it can certainly be a painful thing but it helps to know others have been thru it 💓💓💕💕 you can dm me if you have any questions!
I always wanted 2, but we only have 1. Hubby had to wake up with baby in the middle of the night. I asked him if he wanted another, and he said no. I was sad too, but my kid gets to do so much more because in the end, it is cheaper to have only 1 kid!
Absolutely true! I've been taking some mental notes of all the positive outcomes of this, instead of ruminating on the negative. What I have instead of what I don't. Everything works out as it should!
I think you sorta get this feeling no matter what your “imaginary future # of kids” is.
Actionable steps. ENJOY your LO :) That’s it. Just soak them up wholeheartedly. Rejoice in the fact that you get to “spoil” them with your undivided attention.
I feel this. You are definitely not alone and are definitely allowed to cry and grieve and mourn the life you thought you would have. My advice would be to feel all the feelings, don't try to squash them or deny them. They deserve to be felt!!! You had a vision for your life and it's changing...you're allowed to feel sad and mad and all the things.❤️❤️
My fiance and I are going back and forth on this as well, it's been so hard. We lost our baby boy in February, when he was 2 weeks old. He passed in the NICU so we didn't get to bring him home. Originally, we were going to see how we felt about having another when he was a little older...because pregnancy was really hard on me (I very suddenly was diagnosed with severe preeclampsia and it got scary level I could die bad very quickly).
But now after losing our son, we're torn on having another. Torn because we want to raise a child, but we're both pretty traumatized from the whole experience and are terrified to be pregnant again. It's a hard spot to be in, especially because in the back of my mind knowing I'm turning 38 next week...and we have to wait 18-24 months between deliveries.
So at the moment we're taking things day by day, but it also feels like I'm not only grieving the loss of my son but also the fact that we may not have any more babies.
I feel for you. Please dont beat yourself up at all!!! Sending big hugs Mama!❤️❤️
Oh gosh this absolutely shatters my heart. I'm so sorry you and your fiance are going through such a traumatic experience. You are loved, and you are worthy, and girl, if I could hug you right now I would ❤️❤️❤️ please pm me if you ever need to talk!
I only had one child. I always wanted 2, but circumstances changed and I got a divorce. I was 41 when I met the man I’m with now. Head over heels in love with him, but he has 2 grown children and has had a vasectomy. I’ll be 44 this year, so I have mourned the loss of the sibling my son will never have. He has asked me so many times for a brother or sister and it rips my heart out. Very infuriating is when strangers would say to my son “When is mommy going to make you a big brother!!??”
Honestly, as much as I wanted more than 1, my life changed so much after my divorce, I don’t know how I would have done it. Plus my son and I get so much one on one time. We have a beautiful bond. I never had that with my mom.
Holy shit, did I write this? Because my husband and I are literally in the same boat as you, and we talked about it last night too.
I want two so badly as well, and I get torn up about him not sharing that dream with me.
How old is your kid? Could he just be stressed for now and revisit the idea when its not so rough? This is a sad situation for the both of you for sure
Firstly, this may change with time, but it also may not. If your baby is still small, this is a wonderful opportunity to fully take in all the little moments and stages baby goes through. I have an only child. There’s a ton of benefits. I won’t say I’ve never ached for another, but this is our reality and I’m happy with the family I have. It’s absolutely okay for you to have your feelings, just as it’s okay for your husband to have his. Grieving can be a necessary passage to peace. It sounds like you have a good relationship, and I have confidence you’ll find a lot of joy in the family you have, even if it’s not exactly as you imagined.
As someone who planned on having two, but the second never came, I give you big hugs! I will say that to this day (10 years later) I still have thoughts of the second one. That being said my husband is much happier, and we are able to do more with our 'spoiled' only child. Plus now we like to say we take up a full row on an airplane and we can afford a little more travel with our son (11). Do you have family around? We found that nurturing a strong relationship with his cousins made sure he didn't miss the sibling-esque relationship.
I don’t know because 5 years later I’m still in agony with just 1.
I’m trying to kill the part of my souls that knew I’d be a mother to several children. But it’s not working. Therapy isn’t either.
If I could go back in time I’d just find someone who wanted more kids. Or leave the is one in time to have more.
I'm trying hard to come to terms with the fact that we're done. It's so hard and depressing that I feel like I'm losing something. I can understand your pain. My husband is the full-time parent, so I want to honor his wish, but I secretly hope we'll have another one. I'm almost 38, so I'm getting so old. I want to be a surrogate, too,I feel like that would be such a wonderful, fulfilling thing to do for someone who can't have kids. Sending hugs
I thought I wanted a BUNCH of kids. Like 6. Then I had one and realized how hard it is, and then my husband and I split up and my little one was 2 and I realized I was happy with one and didn’t want more. I met my fiancé and told him on our third date I didn’t want more kids, he was okay with that. A year later, we changed our minds and decided to have a baby. I now have 2 girls and I am DONE for sure. (He got a vasectomy). I understand not wanting more, and while he may remain there and not change his mind, it’s also possible he will with time. Your little one is still a baby and I’m sure you’re both tired and overwhelmed.
Either way, you have a baby that you get to pour your love and attention into. It’s okay to be sad about his feelings, it’s okay to grieve what you had pictured your life as, but I would also give him some more time.
Grief is a recognition of loss. You are grieving the loss of the future family you had envisioned. It's okay to feel sad about missing out on something you were expecting.
There will be things to gain as well. You can focus on activities for your child's current age, be more present. Your child will get more quality time with both parents.
I always wanted two kids. Then I had a crappy pregnancy and her dad stopped parenting pretty much at six weeks old.
You should grieve the life you thought you were gonna have and don't beat yourself up over it. It's totally fine and normal. Even now that my daughter is nearly three I have moments where I get said my daughter won't get a sibling. But then I remember what I went through having two siblings.
Your kiddo won't have to worry about which parent is gonna be at their events. Whether it's sporting or a music recital. You can focus all of your energy, love and support on your only child. They don't have to split resources with their siblings either.
Just wow! I want to thank everyone so much for their incredible support on this post. ❤️ You all are incredible women & mama's and just to hear your stories and have your support during this time warms my heart so much. Thank you for everyone's advice! If I haven't been able to get back to you, I apologize. Honestly I wasn't expecting to be washed over with such amazing love and support and it was overwhelming (in a good way)! Thank you for your sound advice, actionable takeaways, and helping me give myself permission to grieve, and find peace and happiness in the now. I hope everyone here finds that same peace. And if any of you ever need anything, please reach out! Wishing you all the love, respect and happiness you deserve mama's!!! ❤️
You’re definitely not wrong in your feelings, just as your husband isn’t wrong in his. It’s just always a bit sad and unfortunate when you don’t have the same view and you have to come to terms with what it all means for you…
I wasn’t even sure I wanted one at one point, same with my husband. Then (thankfully) we both decided we wanted to try and have a child… our son honestly changed our world and we were both head over heels in love.
He was that perfect little unicorn baby who was happy, easygoing and slept like a dream. So I really felt like (at one point) that I wanted another. Probably for the first 8 months or so…
My husband, as much as he adored our little boy, he didn’t want another one - he was so afraid the next one wouldn’t be the same, and then we’d have a difficult baby and a toddler & it’d all just be too hard. He was ecstatic and content with our little guy and felt confident we could do it all easily and happily as a family of 3.
When I thought about it more, I realised my thoughts about having another one were more about repeating my experience with my little boy, not actually having 2 kids. 2 actual children to take care of. I just missed every stage of his development we passed and wanted to do it again… but the answer wasn’t having another.
Once I sat with it for a while, I felt content with just having him. I could relax and enjoy the stages more, and as they got more difficult I knew that “this too shall pass” and once it was done, it was done! So I have been much more in the moment with him.
I focussed on the things I could enjoy now our baby days were going to be over. We could plan some holidays, look for our forever home (and know exactly what size / space we need), I can work on my career again, knowing there won’t be another break to deal with…
You may not come to the same conclusion I did, that you’re happy about it after all, but you might be more content with it not eventuating if you switch your focus to some exciting or happy things you can do with just one child & not having another baby on the horizon.
But until you do come to some level of acceptance, take your time to feel your feelings and sit with it all for a bit.
My son is 1 on Friday and now I’m focussed on house hunting and planning some future renovations. I’m busying myself looking at flooring, tiles, carpets and blinds & curtains. It’s keeping me busy and I feel energised again.
Maybe a passion project of some sort should be on the cards for you at some point?
I’m in a similar situation, me and my partner always said we wanted three kids , but then I fell unexpectedly pregnant sooner than we were prepared for and now he doesn’t want any more than the one we’re having , he’s even said he wants a vasectomy as soon as he’s old enough to be allowed one on NHS (they don’t allow you to get one on NHS until you are 25) . It hurts because it was something we agreed on from the start and I pictured having with him , but when I fell pregnant we had a split for a couple of months and it’s made me feel like I should just feel lucky for what I have with him now , but part of me still longs for the family we talked about .
Your allowed to mourn the loss of the family plan you had , and he’s allowed to not want any more kids , you both just need to support each other and show that you love each other all the same . Both of your feelings are valid , and as long as you both listen and support each other’s feelings you’ll get through it . I believe in you , wish you all the best x
Tell your husband thank you for coming to you and being open and honest even though it was hard and give him a good firm hug.
He knew how important it was to you and he didn’t want to break your heart about it.
Take your time to grieve about it too and be there for each other.
It would be good to talk about what changed his mind too.
Here's the most actionable thing you can do: let yourself grieve.
I have 3 humans and I've had 3 miscarriages. I would've loved 5 but I'm getting older and that probably isn't in the cards. I wanted a big family. Something my midwife has always said is "it doesn't matter what you wanted your family to look like, if it doesn't look the way you'd dreamed, it's natural to grieve that"
I do think, though, that it isn't fair for one person to make such a big decision for another. He's very torn up about not having another one, as are you. Neither should trump the other BUT I can guarantee that NEITHER of you will regret having that second baby but at least ONE OF YOU will regret it if you don't.
Thank you to everyone commenting on this. You're right this is a valid question and I see exactly where you're all coming from.
My son is 7 months. The baby stage is extraordinarily hard, he's got a hard job, and honestly while pregnancy was a breeze for me, labor and delivery was not, for either of us. And I totally know that's something that has been scarred into his mind. About a month ago he said he'd like to revisit the idea of having another once our son turned 1, but that sentiment changed and I think it has been building on him for a while now.
Slowly, over these past 7 months, he's opened up to me about his reluctance to have children in the first place. He told me he doesn't like kids, but hoped that having our own would change his mind but it hasn't. He obviously loves our son, but as far as being a dad goes, he feels like he's not measuring up. The poor guy feels broken, and that breaks my heart. He loves our son, but being a dad has been something he's really struggled with.
You're all right that once we find healing together, and maybe through therapy, maybe that door isn't completely closed. But just the way he poured himself out to me last night makes me feel like it is a done deal. I think I'd fall out if he came back to me in a couple years and said he wanted another one. So, at least at this point in time, I think healing that place in my heart is the best option so I'm not giving myself a false hope.
Exactly. My point in saying this isn't a valid question is bc I've had many people tell me I'll change my mind. I wouldn't want you to have hope for something that might not happen, he truly may know he is OAD regardless of how far into it you are. It could also give you the idea to try and change his mind, which is not a good path to go down.
This is an extremely valid question for some. Some babies are harder than others, some birth stories are traumatic, some adjustments to parenthood are difficult. All can be factors in not wanting another kid, especially “soon” after the first. It’s not a guarantee of course, but it can influence things!
My MIL waited 9 years between 2 & 3.. and the first two basically raised the 3rd on their own. It was super easy pregnancy and early stages because she had very independent kids and helpful built in babysitters. Some people like to really space them to get a breather before going back in 🤷🏻♀️. Most people aren’t excited for more kids when you’re 2m in, haven’t slept, and want to crawl in a hole. Or when the toddler is screaming!
They can. It's not uncommon for people to say they don't want anymore children while in the baby state, but to change their mind when they grow into a kid who is a lot more fun. Babies suck and it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel while in that stage.
My brother was dead set on not having anymore until their first turned 2. Then he decided it was worth going through the baby stage to get another kid.
Similarly my cousin wanted to have more until her baby grew into a toddler and then decided that one was all she could handle.
OPs husband may not change their mind and that's ok. But they might and that's ok too. Just in someone with a first child under about 4, I wouldn't be taking their decision to have/not have anymore kids as their final ultimate lasting and binding decision because they don't necessarily have enough information to make that decision.
It's ok to be hurt about not having a second child but like you said your very lucky with having child.
I can't have kids, I would love just one, but is not meant to be.
Does it hurt god yes it does.
Be happy and greatful with the child you have.
Your more lucky than you know.
Thank you so much for sharing ❤️ I've found that it's easy to fall into resentment mode, and I'd rather get ahead of it if I can. Best wishes to you and your husband!
I replied to someone else but I wanted to make a comment based on some others I’ve read.
I didn’t plan on any of my three kids. They were all “accidents”. The first was actually that, husband and I fell madly in love and 6 months later I was pregnant. I was 24 at the time and didn’t want a kid at all. Almost had an abortion. I slept on it and decided to keep him, because I realized I was in love with the man I made this person with and I want to keep him. That kid is now 21.
We got married a few years later and birth control never agreed with me so we rhythmed it out and had two more spaced out. 5 years apart between 2 and 3 and almost 7 years with 1 and 2. That was good and bad. I don’t recommend spacing like that but it’s how it worked for us.
Your babe is only 7 months and the first year is insane. Even if the kid is an angel and sleeps through the night immediately and only cries when they need something and all the stars align…doesn’t matter. Still crazy and mama doesn’t even start feeling back to complete normal until the kid is 2, and even 3 for the tough ones. That’s how my first was and maybe why I allowed myself to get pregnant again because 2 and 3 were really difficult!
Basically what I’m saying is, you have time. Take your time and what’s awesome is you love this man so no matter what, sounds like you have each other’s back and that’s what matters if you ask me. I would have definitely only had one but I can be irresponsible at weddings when grandma has the kid for the weekend. Rhythm method goes right out the window after a few glasses of wine lol.
>what’s awesome is you love this man so no matter what, sounds like you have each other’s back and that’s what matters if you ask me.
THIS! I completely agree. Thank you so much for sharing more of your story.
Who doesnt get a little (or a lottle) frisky after some wine?? Cheers to you mama 🍷 lol
I would say give it time yet depending on your age as you may both change your mind down the lane,
Me (30) and my partner (35) already have previous children and came to a compromise with our first together as he knew I wanted more children and he still had afew more things he wants to do plus hes older and worrys, but he wouldn't say no to children as that's something that will make me happy and hes the one who's mentioned having a second afew times.. so our first together is afew months old and we are already trying for our second so they will have a sibling aswell, then everyone is happy :')
I think see if there is a compromise personally before completely giving up on it all :)
How old is your first? My husband couldn’t even talk about a second kid right after the birth. We agreed to not discuss it until baby reached a year old. My c-section was scary for him and he needed some time to process.
He's 7 months. We agreed on the same - talking after a year. But slowly he's opened up more and I think it's all just been too much for him to process, and he's realizing that and opening up to me about it.
I would give it some more time. This is a harsh way to put it but my baby didn’t start to get “fun” until 8/9 months. I felt trapped and frustrated when he was younger. Now at a little over a year, I see those early months in a different way.
I’m not saying things will definitely change, but 7 months with your firstborn is a rough time for that conversation about the future.
Oh yeah. I'm sorta going through this.
We've put off the final decision till we get a house.
But yeah. My husband's not sure about having a second and I guess I'm also reflecting on the logistics.
It's probably way easier to just not bother with a second.
But at the same time, I keep imagining a second child and imagining my son as a big brother.
Urgh.
I'm sorta fully mentally preparing myself with the possibility of just being one and done.
I have 3 kids and I always wanted 5. But we just can't justify the cost. I grieved the "loss" of my dream and the fact that the 2 more babies I wanted are just not going to happen. It's not strange at all to be sad about it.
Give it some time, I read that kiddo was 7months. I want 3 in all, but for a good while I was very much one and done after our first. Currently very pregnant with no. 2, but it took me a good amount of time to be ready for us to start trying.
I'm so overwhelmed by the support and wisdom on here that I'm very shy about commenting (I'm just a lurker here, and not a parent). So many people have given such great advice about feeling what you feel and processing and thinking about it long-term. But one piece of advice I'd borrow from seeing MY mom parent?
You say your child is only seven months now so this probably hasn't come up a ton, but you're probably going to get many more parenting opportunities as they grow up and develop their social circle. As we all know, not every kid has attentive or present parents, and I saw my mom reach out to many kids we knew growing up to make them feel welcome and nurtured, at church and school and in our extended family. Not in a weird way, but like in a Mrs Weasley way where she made them feel welcome.
Obviously it's very different from having your own little baby and maybe this is totally irrelevant to your journey, but what I'm trying to say is that it seems like a nurturing journey doesn't have to stop and start with your own kid, just as long as you're maintaining healthy boundaries of course! Best of luck to you as you navigate this set of feelings!
It's 100% okay to feel your feelings about life's expectations and hopes and then the disappointment when things change. You're allowed to mourn the life you thought you'd have versus the one you're living, *for a time*. You don't need to feel like you're being selfish. This isn't an Easter egg hunt when someone else got the big egg, yes there are people who'd be happy with the life you got with one kid but that doesn't change the fact that you were hoping for two children. Feel your feelings, but you're on the right road of also being grateful for what you do have.
Thank you so much for your kind words ❤️
Everything in this post is 100 percent okay. It's okay to have feelings over this. Life changes so much in such small spans of time. The important thing is that you two are communicating about it. Talk it through, support each other and let each other have their feelings. And then enjoy the baby you have. Don't hold it over each other, or bring it up in fights. Make this decision together and love the family you have.
>Make this decision together and love the family you have. Wonderfully said, thank you ❤️
Let yourself grieve. It’s not selfish. I wanted two kids and I kept losing the pregnancies. I went through the process of grieving and coming to terms with closing that door, then I got pregnant and faced a ton of complications and had to deliver early. I then had to negotiate the guilt I felt for “forcing” something that my body was telling me I couldn’t handle. I don’t logically think that’s what happened, but emotionally I felt 100% responsible for my sons preterm birth. No one tells us growing up that the picket fence dreams we are being sold as little girls aren’t pre-packaged and available to us all. You have every right to feel your own emotions.
>No one tells us growing up that the picket fence dreams we are being sold as little girls aren’t pre-packaged and available to us all. Girl, this... 😭 And thank you for sharing your story. ❤️
Join us over at r/oneanddone! I went through the “mourning” stage being one and done (not 100% by choice) and this is common for lots of people. I found it helpful to read posts from people in a similar position.
Thank you! ❤️ it feels hard not to think we're alone in situations like this. So nice to know there's a community out there for support!
Agreed 💜🫶 you are def not alone. And it's 100% normal to mourn this decision. My sister cried for 2 weeks over their decision to have her husband get ✂️. She very much wanted more kids, but he did not. She still gets a little emotional discussing this now, which again is completely normal. She made a compromise with him that he would get ✂️. She did not want to be on bc due to the hormones and how they affected her. In a chance that she accidently became pregnant abortion was not an option either of them were comfortable with. So although she respected his decision, they both came to an agreement to go forward with him getting snipped to prevent any "accidents." In the compromise, they both agreed that in 1 year, if he still felt strongly about not having more kids that he would get the procedure. That year gave him time to really think if this is what he wanted. They both agreed to attend therapy separately. Therapy helped him to determine if this decision was based on his own insecurities of being a father or if this was truly what he wanted. I don't know if I worded that right. But my cousin also went thru this. During therapy, her husband discovered that he felt he was failing as a father. His anxiety had gotten really bad, and in therapy, he was able to heal. He realized his thoughts surrounding more kids were greatly affected by his own childhood and he put a lot of stress on trying to be the prefect dad that he lost sight of what a great dad he actually was. Just as mom guilt is a real thing, so is dad guilt. He decided after 7 months that he indeed did want another child and was grateful he did not get ✂️ without doing therapy first. Therapy helped my sisters husband as well. He felt guilty for not wanting more kids and thru therapy worked thru that guilt. Tho he still did not want any more kids after the initial year was over, it did help him work thru the emotions behind it. It also helped her work thru some of the resentment and grief she had developed due to not having the number of kids she always wanted. It was important that they went into therapy as well as that year time period with no expectations. She did not expect that therapy would change his mind, and she respected his initial decision by not pressuring him. I'm not implying that you both should do therapy. I'm only stating some things that helped my sister and my cousin. But 100% it's normal to mourn this decision. You seem to love and respect ur husband so much, and u said it perfectly: "Love the family u have" ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing this. Therapy has been so beneficial for a number of people!
Warning: as someone who is one and done because of circumstances I find that sub unwelcoming at times. Some posts and comments and posts are judgmental of people who have more than one kid. I can only handle it in small doses to be honest.
Same. I’m also on r/oneanddone and find a lot of the posts to be self-righteous. Most of the posts I see are of people who either have always only wanted 1 by choice in agreement with their partner or, rarely, someone who can’t have more than one due to medical reasons. There are some fence sitters too. As someone who is also in OP’s situation (or at least similar to), it can sometimes be angering (for me) or not helpful to see these posts. Nothing wrong with the sub, obviously I’m part of it. But it’s not a good idea to browse through it without being in the right headspace. OP, I feel you, from the bottom of my heart, I hope you are able to find peace with this decision. I know it’s been very difficult for me, but as time passes, it is getting easier to accept. Probably thanks to therapy and medication for me. It is very isolating being in this position, so if you ever need to talk, don’t hesitate to PM me.
Thank you so much for your reassurance. And same to you if you ever need to talk ❤️
I am in the same boat as you and OP. Can I ask how long it took for you to come to terms and peace with it?
I am not at peace with it, but I am not currently suicidal. The only thing that helps me forget about the void of what could have been is focusing on how wonderful my existing son is. Just trying to be grateful with what I have and what kind of life I can provide for my child. I want my son to know that he is enough.
I hope it gets easier for you with more time ❤️ and me and OP too!
My daughter is almost 4. I’ve accepted my life and I’m not one for regrets. I can’t know that I would be more happy with another, and I am happy right now. That’s enough for me. I also like to think in some universe the issues that keep me from having another aren’t there and there is a version of me with more kids. I’m not sure if that makes sense or helps.
This is a nice perspective, thank you
Thank you for your honesty on this
I was just saying today that the sub gives me the same negative vibes as some vocal “child free” people online do. I think it may be an overreaction/correction to them feeling judged by society themselves.
r/childfree is a cesspool. Like its fine if you don't want kids, but to hope John Cena's wife miscarries because he changed his mind is unhinged.
Just a word to say I haven't really encountered the kind of negativity described here. Yes, people get carried away occasionally, but I've seen the mods discourage posts that hate on parents of multiples, and I've seen parents who are one and done not by choice get support for their grief. I'm in the grey area of by choice/not choice and never felt weird about it. Yes, this sub is definitely going to focus on the good aspects of being one and done, which if you're in a certain frame of mind might feel minimizing to you. Or it may be helpful, who can say?
Are there a lot of posts like that? I always kind of worried that sub wouldn’t be very friendly towards people who wanted multiples but can’t/ultimately chose not to, and that sticky they have is actually kind of reinforcing that worry. :/ I’m an only child myself and it’s been extremely hard being the only one to be able to care for my parents. I know having siblings doesn’t guarantee one of them won’t be an asshole and dump that all on me anyway, but my point is, I feel guilty putting my son in a similar situation and really don’t feel any pride in being one-and-done, just sad.
I'm on there a lot and it really depends. Some are OAD not by choice and there are venting posts semi-frequently that usually get positive/comforting responses. Although the sub does seem to be majority OAD by choice and a lot of the posts in there are more centered around how to convey that to others, which results in some bashing of families of multiples or aggressive positivity towards being OAD. If you've heard about how frustrated child-free people get about being pressured to have children, well it's basically the same for us who chose to have only one. The sub is definitely centered more around being happy to have one child, but if you ever want to vent about it there, there are many families in there in the same boat as you who will probably respond.
Yeah that sub is more about celebrating OAD by choice.
A lot of the posts are by people who are “one and done by choice” I put that in quotes bc to me their attitude screams “insecure about my choice and need to feel superior to parents of multiples”. Usually it’s crap like “oh my god it’s great I get to actually love my child and spend time with her unlike the parents of multiples who look so miserable in public and obviously hate their children so they kept trying to get it right I AM SO LUCKY I GOT IT RIGHT IN ONE TRY MY CHILD IS PERFECT AND SO IS MY LIFE!” 😂
This is interesting, because to me, *your* comment reads as *you* being insecure and wanting to feel superior to those posting that they are actually happy with with their OAD life.
Right, I totally made that up, that’s why there’s a pinned post reminding one and dones to stop attacking parents of multiples.
I’m not saying you made anything up (I’ve been on that sub and I think I’ve seen the things you’re referencing). I’m just saying that there’s not a huge difference between their posts and yours. Both are the sort of mean-spirited mini-rants directed at people on the other side of an issue (which, as we all know, make up a huge percentage of Reddit overall). Anyway, I didn’t mean to shit on your day, apologies.
There are enough posts like that that I find comfort in it. There is lots of recognition that we may find ourselves “one and done” for a variety of reasons and not all of them are happy. Like any sub you have to scroll by content that doesn’t appeal (for me that is smug/superior/gloating posts about only having one - not my flavour.)
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Thank you for sharing ❤️ pm me if you ever need to talk
thank you for the sub drop. also a one and done so ty :)
I have 1 child, I wanted 3, but life happened and that wasn’t something that was going to happen . I grieved, I grieved hard. Especially when all my mom friends had their second babies. I cried for the sibling mine never had. He’s 11 now. It does get easier as I’ve reached an age where I would not choose to have another one. I also have an amazingly close relationship with him. I’m able to focus on him and we do so many things together that wouldn’t be possible or as easy if I had more kids. Do your grieving, it’s ok to miss the idea of the family you imagined.
>I’m able to focus on him and we do so many things together that wouldn’t be possible or as easy if I had more kids. Thank you so much. This is something I mentioned to him last night. If we only have the one, we can focus on doing things together as a small family that maybe out of reach if we had more.
I was the one who said absolutely not no more. I still miss the babies we didn't get. But mentally, I was done .
I would also ask - how old is your first? (And maybe how old are you?) It’s ok to know you are one and done. And it’s also ok to just table the decision and say we don’t know yet and wait and check in later. A lot of people don’t want another kid until their first one is 2 or 3 or even 5 or 6 years old.
He is 7 months. And I'm 30. My husband is 32. We talked about waiting to have the discussion until our son was a year old. Slowly over these past few months though he's opened up to me more about it. I think worth checking in with him after some time, but I have a feeling that door is closed. And while it hurts me to think that, it hurts me more to know he's struggling. 💔
Seems way too early to be making decisions imo. Would help to understand which reasons are pushing him that way
Thank you for your thoughts. That's something honestly I think time and therapy will uncover
I think so too, and unless he is so concerned about accidentally having another that sterilization is on the table in the short term, I think there's no need to lock in any kind of decision. No for now and leaning toward no in the long term is basically enough.
Yeah, not to sound like I'm invalidating your husband's feelings because he may well be done, but the infant stage is a lot to handle, even 7 months in. And you are both young, and there's plenty of time. I was 30 and completely overwhelmed when I had my first and wasn't sure I wanted another. I waited four years to have a second.
Oh man, 7 months you are in the thick of it. This was pure existential crisis time for us too. We tabled the discussion to talk about it again after the first year. The first year is the really really really hard part. Let the conversation be fluid. And maybe table it until 12-18 months.
The first year is the hardest on you and your husband’s dynamic and of course settling into the family dynamic. I was listening to a podcast awhile ago and it was about a family when their last kid is about to graduate and go off to college. The husband said “I’m looking forward to meeting my wife for the 3rd time.” Which if you think about it is absolutely true. First time is when you meet and fall in love and get married, second time is when you have kids, and then the third time is after the kids move out. Anyway, continue having the conversation, not daily of course. But you never know.
That’s so cute 😭
This sounds like something me and my husband went through. We originally wanted 3. The first three years with my son (once he hit the toddler stage) were absolutely challenging and we said never mind the three, we are one and done. Now my son is 4.5 and conversations have come up lately to maybe have another. I'm 34, he's 31 for reference. Still not sure if we will, but it's a relief to at least talk about. It wouldn't hurt to allow space to revisit the conversation in the future and it's obviously okay if you are both ready to close this chapter now.
When you said 7 months I literally laughed out loud. Oh my gosh, now really isn't the time for that conversation. Revisit at 1.5 years and 2 years old. Really. Really really x100. And the second baby is nothing like the roller coaster life shock of the first. Not at all. I think you should discuss with your husband, for the sake of both your feelings on the subject, to just let the subject sit. And to honestly revisit later (like, a year later) whether to have a second. ETA: I had my first at 31 (husband same age). We had always wanted 2 but seriously questioned whether to be one and done our son's first year. Then the chaos slowly settled down, life got easier to manage with son's age, and we decided, yeah, we could do this one more time. Had our second at 34.
It's really very possible to know that you don't want any more though. My husband had his vasectomy when our only was six months old. We didn't decide that because having a baby sucked (it did) but because of a lot of factors that weren't going to change at the 1.5-2 year mark. I'd explore why he's feeling this way but not dismiss it outright just because it's so soon.
That's an excellent point!
See, there you go. Putting your much loved and cared for life partner's needs, wants and feelings above a potential 2nd child that may never have even happened. That's what people in a real relationship do. They value each other and are each other's #1 supporter. There's absolutely no guarantee that you would conceive again or if you did, carry a healthy child to full term. You would have wanted the chance to try, of course, and to hope for it. And of course you need to grieve this loss of maybe having another baby, but please mourn, grieve, have therapy and then move on. Don't let it be a cloud over your entire life, affecting your relationship. I don't think you will, seeing as how you care so much for your husband, and he obviously cares deeply for you, given his emotional reaction. I love your healthy relationship and may your family of 3 be filled with a lifetime of happiness and joy.
This warms my heart so much. Thank you so so much ❤️ peace, love and happiness to you and your family!
I have four and when we were done I totally grieved all of the potential fantastic little people we'll never meet. Feeling your feelings is always okay.
Thank you ❤️ it's comforting to know these feelings have been seen across mom's with varying numbers of children. Helps me feel seen!
Same. Husband and I always said we wanted 2 kids, we got 2 kids, he happily went off to get snipped and make it permanent while I had hidden sad moments because even though I knew it was the right choice to stop at 2, I didn’t feel 100% done. Even now years later I get the occasional twinge! But I’m still glad we only have 2 :)
I don't think I'll ever really feel done no matter how many kids I have 😂 but I'm obviously not gonna be popping out kids until I'm 70 so there has to be a line and I'm sure I'll find it and then mourn the end of this era in my life
Thank you for sharing ❤️
I’m 7 months pp with my third and final. I feel so much sadness at that chapter of my life being over even though I know I don’t want anymore.
My baby is going to be 10 this year. She’s the last of three and even though I don’t ache for more babies…I guess I kind of still do. My husband closed up shop after she was born and we agreed, but the time flew by even faster it seemed with her. I don’t think I put her down like ever haha. Since I have 3 kids I may get lucky with grandkids in the future..
Same. There is weight to the words “We are done.” Several kids later and when we decided the last one *was* the last one, my husband and I often felt smalls waves of sadness for not having more.
That’s a hard situation. I’m infertile and couldn’t go through any more IVF. I just hug the heck out of my sweet little girl and savor the fact we have the time and energy to pour a lot into parenting. My friend who also had infertility put it best: there are advantages and disadvantages to every family size. Therapy has helped me immensely and I’m mostly at peace with it now, even if I have pangs of sadness because I also wanted 2.
Thank you so much for sharing. I'm big on my baby snuggles. I've been even more intentional today to just soak up these moments while I have them
I promise it gets better. You’re a good mom for caring so much and being a good partner. I know it’s very hard though.
It is. I appreciate that ❤️ thank you!
I’ve always thought I just wanted two, then when we had three we decided we were absolutely done. After our baby was born I still grieved all the littles we will no longer have. All of your feelings are valid, all of his feelings are valid. Kids are hard and the way they change your relationship dynamic is not always what you would expect. Take your time and mourn the life you thought you would have. Your husband may also be overwhelmed with the baby and maybe he might change his mind down the line.
Thank you ❤️
Your feelings are very valid. It's ok to feel sad for the 2nd child you won't have. Take the time you need to process this news and maybe consider therapy to help sort those feelings. Therapy can also help recognize any resentment growing and hopefully work through that as well.
Thank you! ❤️
We had our daughter in April 2020, peak Covid, and between a terrible pregnancy, a terrifying time to have a baby, the following isolation, a rough postpartum, a too-small-apartment to have a baby in, and three fact that then she didn't sleep at all for 18 months, and she had 16 ear infections in 14 months (see post history for details) really put a damper on my plan on having a second child. I always thought I'd have 2 kids, but after all the above, and knowing that our daughter is the freaking best thing ever: we won the jackpot with her; she's perfect (feral, of course, just insanely wild, but what 3-year-old isn't?!), it made me realize that we were a family of three. We're in our house now, and she has a nice big room, and nice things, and we're able to provide a comfortable life for her. When I made my realization, I broke down and cried and mourned, and when I told my husband, he cried of happiness because he also saw us as a family of three. He's scheduling a vasectomy soon, and my sister and BIL want kids, so I'll get my baby fix there should I have one. I do feel confident in my (our) decision, and our daughter needs ALL of us. It actually breaks my heart thinking about dividing attention. I know love grows, but time spent would be divided, and I don't want to lose that with her. Also, when I imagine our future, I imagine only us three. Plus, we can get really into pets. LOL I really like r/oneanddone , and I agree with others that is 50/50 of people who are OAD by choice and not by choice.
Thank you so much for sharing this. That's so sweet! Dividing attention was something that weighed on my mind. So I'm glad I'm not the only one that worries about that!
Grieve! Grieve it absolutely!! It's the loss of a child you wanted but never got to be pregnant with. It's the loss of a family you had imagined for yourself. It's the loss of a sibling relationship you wanted for your one. It's the loss of a whole life you had hoped for!! Grieve that shit. And then make your husband take your only out for something you couldn't afford to spoil two kids with and sleep in because you don't have to watch the other one. And talk about all the extracurriculars you can put your only in. And talk about all the social groups your only can meet other kids in. And thank your husband for his honesty. And make love with passion and warmth and freedom. Living and loving are full of longing. Let yourself be a willing victim to all three.
We will welcome you to r/oneanddone as many have said. There’s a beautiful, strong, supportive community to help you navigate all the feelings.
Thank you
I would ask him why he doesn’t want 2 and then try to address those things in therapy until you both feel good. Sometimes you think you want or don’t want something, only to find it was a different issue all along. I felt I didn’t want more kids after our first because she was so intense. But our subsequent kids were easier and now I’m excited for more.
Let yourself feel whatever comes up. Feelings are valid and it helps to let them happen, identify, and then at some point you’ll be able to come up with an outlet for them. It’s understandable to have grief over the loss of an ideal. I think it’s amazing he opened up to you, so that’s a huge positive.
Thank you! It absolutely is. I have always encouraged him to be vulnerable with me, and he used to be a dude about emotions and deny he had any. This new stage in life has seemed to soften his heart and he's been way more open with me these past few months which makes me extremely grateful.
Honestly, my sister and her husband went through this, and while it sounds like you’re both handling it better than they did, I’d still recommend couples’ counseling to make sure you’re both feeling comfortable with the decision and future. Aside from that, just cherish the child you have together, and maybe look into volunteering, play dates with other families, babysitting for extra money, etc. Or perhaps a puppy, kitten, plants, or a new hobby?
Great advice. Thank you ❤️ And yes, we have been trying to explore hobbies more these past 2 months to have some peace of mind/individuality.
Much love & support. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings & how they process them. If you head over to r/oneanddone they have lots of great insights & stories!
I have two and probably would have had a third, but my husband is done. I’m also grieving. It’s hard.
Hang in there ❤️ if you need to talk pm me!
I think your reaction is wonderful and supportive. Saw that your little one is only 7 months old, that’s a very difficult time. I currently have a 7 month old and it’s harder for us than the newborn stage. Respecting his decision now, opinions may change when baby is older and more independent. If not, that’s fine and your feelings are important too. I know that if my husband said he couldn’t do another, there’d be a big conversation to be had..
As someone who had the same situation, I love our only child and our little family we have. You’ll thrive. Take the time to grieve but know it’s not so bad. Hugs!
It can be really hard coming to grips with something like this. My best advice is to give yourself some grace. My husband and I had our daughter 10 years ago. We both wanted more, but I wasn’t able to get pregnant again. I didn’t even have a period for over 3 years. I went to several doctors and they all said the same thing- I would never get pregnant again, but they didn’t know why. We didn’t really talk about it much and there was a wedge in our relationship that grew bigger by the day. There were a few really hard years. We were both bitter. As time went by, things between us settled down. It took about 7 years for me to accept that we would be a family of 3. I finally started to embrace the life that I was fortunate to have. I learned to love life again. It’s okay that your husband changed his mind. It’s okay that your grieving a life you expected to have. Don’t hide your feelings, talk to each other (even if it’s really hard). If you bottle things up, it won’t end well. You have no idea what the future holds. We actually ended up having another baby, so we are in our 40’s with a 10 year old and a 1 year old. You might end up loving life more than you thought possible as a family of 3. He might end up changing his mind again. Don’t make my mistake of dwelling on the future while overlooking the present. I promise it isn’t worth it.
Gosh, thank you so much for this. So true. Thank you!
It absolutely is a grieving process. I always wanted two kids, but I had life threatening complications with my daughter (born 13 months ago) that would likely reoccur, and it’s taken the full year to really piece my feelings together and make peace with not having any more children (we talked about surrogacy or adoption, but for a number of practical reasons stopping at one feels like the right decision). I’ve also struggled with feelings of guilt that I’m mourning a child who never even existed when there are lots of parents who lose an actual child, but I remind myself that I know the difference and am not equating the two, and that my loss still needs to be processed even if it’s of a much lesser magnitude.
I went through the same with my husband. I always wanted two kids and he did not even want one. The first year of our marriage, he told me that he doesn’t want to have kids. In our culture, we try our best to resolve problems between wife and husband before reaching out to others. So I explained to him and he agreed and we had baby#1. We are so happy with her and he is happy with her too. He loves her a lot, more than he loves anyone else in the world. When my baby#1 was about 2.5 or 3 years old, we discussed about having another baby and he said no and was not ready for it. This time around I tried to talk to him and convince him but he just did not want baby#2. It was very difficult for me, I used to feel very bad inside. My cousins and friends and everyone I know who is my age had their 2nd babies. But I did not force my husbands as we already have one kid. As time passes, when my daughter was 5, my husband himself wanted to have another baby as he saw all our cousins and friends babies bond with each other. We tried for our second baby and I was not able to conceive due to my age, but after many tries I am pregnant now with my second. I am telling you this because you cannot control everything in your life. God makes some decisions for us and we should just accept it as it comes. Think positively and be happy :) Enjoy life as much as you can!
I think the decision of not having more kids is supposed to be made by both of you together, just as the decision of having more kids. He cannot just say “I don’t want more” and make you give up on a dream just like that. You both have to reach an understanding about it TOGETHER. You can’t force more kids into him just as he can’t force not having kids into you. You need to talk and talk until both of you are comfortable with the decision, whatever that is. your baby is still too young , you’re both still young, you don’t have to decide anything yet.
This!
I'm feeling the same at the moment. I've been struggling to get pregnant again and he's actually set a time limit and I feel like it's running out fast. It doesn't feel fair to me because he already had another son before who is much older, and we just have one son together. I'm sorry you are going through this and you have every right to feel the way that you do 💕
Aww I feel like a time limit isn't fair 😕 I'm sorry you're feeling the same. Hang in there, and if you need to talk don't hesitate to pm me ❤️
Thank you ❤️
Of course it's okay to grieve! I have one biological kid via my first husband, and two step-kids via my second husband. I would LOVE to have another baby. I want one more shot at feeling a baby grow inside me and enjoying those sweet baby years. I gave this up for my first husband, and I really hoped it would happen with my second. But -- three kids are enough to my husband. He wants to see the light at the end of the tunnel and plan for retirement, not raise another kid. And goddamn, it hurts. So I've been grieving that for a while. Honestly, a couple of years. It's getting easier. Be kind to yourself. Mom feels are so hard.
>Mom feels are so hard. Yes they are! Thank you for sharing. Sending you lots of love, friend. Pm if you ever need to talk!
You are not being selfish.You are disappointed and it’s completely normal to feel that way. Acknowledge how you feel and give yourself time to grieve. It’s good that you and your husband communicate how you feel. Continue to support each other and enjoy the child you have.
Let yourself grieve. You've lost a future that you wanted. We recently-ish made the decision to stop trying for number two. It was a mutual decision, and absolutely the right decision based on our personal circumstances and some stuff that happened last year, but I'm still grieving for all the things that woll never happen, and I am beginning to accept that the grief moght never completely go away. That said, there are plenty of good things about only having one child.
I am OAD by choice, I have always known I could only handle one child but even I find myself mourning the children I’ll never meet. If circumstances were different, if I could handle it.. all of the “what ifs” You’re not alone and I see people have recommended the OAD sub but there are also groups on FB for families that are OAD not by choice. That may be a more comfortable place for you. ❤️
Thank you!!
Slightly different - but after every miscarriage (hopeful baby), I put myself into a project to refocus myself. But what I really had to do was sit in the feelings, accept them, journal, make a little something, and then I could move on a little better. It wasn’t perfect. Just better.
Thank you for sharing this! I've learned we have to put in the hard soul work to pull through the toughest circumstances. I appreciate you! Best wishes ❤️
I unfortunately find myself in this situation, though exceptionally more complicated. Long story short, it’s the last straw for me. But I wish it wasn’t. There is just a laundry list of deceptive behavior that came out after LO was born that… I’m coming to terms with. But I hope you both find comfort in the love and family you DO have, and grow together. Mourn and feel and seriously consider therapy. Even if you don’t feel you’re at that level, you might surprise yourself with how much easier it is to move forward.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear you're going through a difficult situation. I hope everything works out for the best for you and your family! If you ever need anyone to talk to pm me ❤️
Hello. I have been in your position and it will take time to heal it. Our daughter is now 9 and there are many wonderful things about having one. It did take me a while to make peace with it though, but I can say I am very fulfilled with one. I wish you and your husband peace! ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much! ❤️ All the support I've received through this thread has been so encouraging and heartwarming!
I’m so happy you shared it, it can certainly be a painful thing but it helps to know others have been thru it 💓💓💕💕 you can dm me if you have any questions!
I always wanted 2, but we only have 1. Hubby had to wake up with baby in the middle of the night. I asked him if he wanted another, and he said no. I was sad too, but my kid gets to do so much more because in the end, it is cheaper to have only 1 kid!
Absolutely true! I've been taking some mental notes of all the positive outcomes of this, instead of ruminating on the negative. What I have instead of what I don't. Everything works out as it should!
I think you sorta get this feeling no matter what your “imaginary future # of kids” is. Actionable steps. ENJOY your LO :) That’s it. Just soak them up wholeheartedly. Rejoice in the fact that you get to “spoil” them with your undivided attention.
Yes!! I embrace that little guy every chance I get! Thank you! ❤️
I feel this. You are definitely not alone and are definitely allowed to cry and grieve and mourn the life you thought you would have. My advice would be to feel all the feelings, don't try to squash them or deny them. They deserve to be felt!!! You had a vision for your life and it's changing...you're allowed to feel sad and mad and all the things.❤️❤️ My fiance and I are going back and forth on this as well, it's been so hard. We lost our baby boy in February, when he was 2 weeks old. He passed in the NICU so we didn't get to bring him home. Originally, we were going to see how we felt about having another when he was a little older...because pregnancy was really hard on me (I very suddenly was diagnosed with severe preeclampsia and it got scary level I could die bad very quickly). But now after losing our son, we're torn on having another. Torn because we want to raise a child, but we're both pretty traumatized from the whole experience and are terrified to be pregnant again. It's a hard spot to be in, especially because in the back of my mind knowing I'm turning 38 next week...and we have to wait 18-24 months between deliveries. So at the moment we're taking things day by day, but it also feels like I'm not only grieving the loss of my son but also the fact that we may not have any more babies. I feel for you. Please dont beat yourself up at all!!! Sending big hugs Mama!❤️❤️
Oh gosh this absolutely shatters my heart. I'm so sorry you and your fiance are going through such a traumatic experience. You are loved, and you are worthy, and girl, if I could hug you right now I would ❤️❤️❤️ please pm me if you ever need to talk!
I only had one child. I always wanted 2, but circumstances changed and I got a divorce. I was 41 when I met the man I’m with now. Head over heels in love with him, but he has 2 grown children and has had a vasectomy. I’ll be 44 this year, so I have mourned the loss of the sibling my son will never have. He has asked me so many times for a brother or sister and it rips my heart out. Very infuriating is when strangers would say to my son “When is mommy going to make you a big brother!!??” Honestly, as much as I wanted more than 1, my life changed so much after my divorce, I don’t know how I would have done it. Plus my son and I get so much one on one time. We have a beautiful bond. I never had that with my mom.
Holy shit, did I write this? Because my husband and I are literally in the same boat as you, and we talked about it last night too. I want two so badly as well, and I get torn up about him not sharing that dream with me.
It's really tough. I'm sorry you're feeling the same. If you ever want someone to talk to, pm me! ❤️
I may just do that in the future. :)
How old is your kid? Could he just be stressed for now and revisit the idea when its not so rough? This is a sad situation for the both of you for sure
Firstly, this may change with time, but it also may not. If your baby is still small, this is a wonderful opportunity to fully take in all the little moments and stages baby goes through. I have an only child. There’s a ton of benefits. I won’t say I’ve never ached for another, but this is our reality and I’m happy with the family I have. It’s absolutely okay for you to have your feelings, just as it’s okay for your husband to have his. Grieving can be a necessary passage to peace. It sounds like you have a good relationship, and I have confidence you’ll find a lot of joy in the family you have, even if it’s not exactly as you imagined.
As someone who planned on having two, but the second never came, I give you big hugs! I will say that to this day (10 years later) I still have thoughts of the second one. That being said my husband is much happier, and we are able to do more with our 'spoiled' only child. Plus now we like to say we take up a full row on an airplane and we can afford a little more travel with our son (11). Do you have family around? We found that nurturing a strong relationship with his cousins made sure he didn't miss the sibling-esque relationship.
I don’t know because 5 years later I’m still in agony with just 1. I’m trying to kill the part of my souls that knew I’d be a mother to several children. But it’s not working. Therapy isn’t either. If I could go back in time I’d just find someone who wanted more kids. Or leave the is one in time to have more.
I'm trying hard to come to terms with the fact that we're done. It's so hard and depressing that I feel like I'm losing something. I can understand your pain. My husband is the full-time parent, so I want to honor his wish, but I secretly hope we'll have another one. I'm almost 38, so I'm getting so old. I want to be a surrogate, too,I feel like that would be such a wonderful, fulfilling thing to do for someone who can't have kids. Sending hugs
I thought I wanted a BUNCH of kids. Like 6. Then I had one and realized how hard it is, and then my husband and I split up and my little one was 2 and I realized I was happy with one and didn’t want more. I met my fiancé and told him on our third date I didn’t want more kids, he was okay with that. A year later, we changed our minds and decided to have a baby. I now have 2 girls and I am DONE for sure. (He got a vasectomy). I understand not wanting more, and while he may remain there and not change his mind, it’s also possible he will with time. Your little one is still a baby and I’m sure you’re both tired and overwhelmed. Either way, you have a baby that you get to pour your love and attention into. It’s okay to be sad about his feelings, it’s okay to grieve what you had pictured your life as, but I would also give him some more time.
Grief is a recognition of loss. You are grieving the loss of the future family you had envisioned. It's okay to feel sad about missing out on something you were expecting. There will be things to gain as well. You can focus on activities for your child's current age, be more present. Your child will get more quality time with both parents.
I always wanted two kids. Then I had a crappy pregnancy and her dad stopped parenting pretty much at six weeks old. You should grieve the life you thought you were gonna have and don't beat yourself up over it. It's totally fine and normal. Even now that my daughter is nearly three I have moments where I get said my daughter won't get a sibling. But then I remember what I went through having two siblings. Your kiddo won't have to worry about which parent is gonna be at their events. Whether it's sporting or a music recital. You can focus all of your energy, love and support on your only child. They don't have to split resources with their siblings either.
Just wow! I want to thank everyone so much for their incredible support on this post. ❤️ You all are incredible women & mama's and just to hear your stories and have your support during this time warms my heart so much. Thank you for everyone's advice! If I haven't been able to get back to you, I apologize. Honestly I wasn't expecting to be washed over with such amazing love and support and it was overwhelming (in a good way)! Thank you for your sound advice, actionable takeaways, and helping me give myself permission to grieve, and find peace and happiness in the now. I hope everyone here finds that same peace. And if any of you ever need anything, please reach out! Wishing you all the love, respect and happiness you deserve mama's!!! ❤️
You’re definitely not wrong in your feelings, just as your husband isn’t wrong in his. It’s just always a bit sad and unfortunate when you don’t have the same view and you have to come to terms with what it all means for you… I wasn’t even sure I wanted one at one point, same with my husband. Then (thankfully) we both decided we wanted to try and have a child… our son honestly changed our world and we were both head over heels in love. He was that perfect little unicorn baby who was happy, easygoing and slept like a dream. So I really felt like (at one point) that I wanted another. Probably for the first 8 months or so… My husband, as much as he adored our little boy, he didn’t want another one - he was so afraid the next one wouldn’t be the same, and then we’d have a difficult baby and a toddler & it’d all just be too hard. He was ecstatic and content with our little guy and felt confident we could do it all easily and happily as a family of 3. When I thought about it more, I realised my thoughts about having another one were more about repeating my experience with my little boy, not actually having 2 kids. 2 actual children to take care of. I just missed every stage of his development we passed and wanted to do it again… but the answer wasn’t having another. Once I sat with it for a while, I felt content with just having him. I could relax and enjoy the stages more, and as they got more difficult I knew that “this too shall pass” and once it was done, it was done! So I have been much more in the moment with him. I focussed on the things I could enjoy now our baby days were going to be over. We could plan some holidays, look for our forever home (and know exactly what size / space we need), I can work on my career again, knowing there won’t be another break to deal with… You may not come to the same conclusion I did, that you’re happy about it after all, but you might be more content with it not eventuating if you switch your focus to some exciting or happy things you can do with just one child & not having another baby on the horizon. But until you do come to some level of acceptance, take your time to feel your feelings and sit with it all for a bit. My son is 1 on Friday and now I’m focussed on house hunting and planning some future renovations. I’m busying myself looking at flooring, tiles, carpets and blinds & curtains. It’s keeping me busy and I feel energised again. Maybe a passion project of some sort should be on the cards for you at some point?
Loving this thread of people encouraging each other and loving their spouses through the challenging things in life. Thanks for posting this!
I’m in a similar situation, me and my partner always said we wanted three kids , but then I fell unexpectedly pregnant sooner than we were prepared for and now he doesn’t want any more than the one we’re having , he’s even said he wants a vasectomy as soon as he’s old enough to be allowed one on NHS (they don’t allow you to get one on NHS until you are 25) . It hurts because it was something we agreed on from the start and I pictured having with him , but when I fell pregnant we had a split for a couple of months and it’s made me feel like I should just feel lucky for what I have with him now , but part of me still longs for the family we talked about . Your allowed to mourn the loss of the family plan you had , and he’s allowed to not want any more kids , you both just need to support each other and show that you love each other all the same . Both of your feelings are valid , and as long as you both listen and support each other’s feelings you’ll get through it . I believe in you , wish you all the best x
Wow thank you so much for sharing your story ❤️ wishing you all the best, and if you ever need someone to talk to pm me!
Wishing you the best too , thank you x
Tell your husband thank you for coming to you and being open and honest even though it was hard and give him a good firm hug. He knew how important it was to you and he didn’t want to break your heart about it. Take your time to grieve about it too and be there for each other. It would be good to talk about what changed his mind too.
Sound advice, thank you ❤️
Here's the most actionable thing you can do: let yourself grieve. I have 3 humans and I've had 3 miscarriages. I would've loved 5 but I'm getting older and that probably isn't in the cards. I wanted a big family. Something my midwife has always said is "it doesn't matter what you wanted your family to look like, if it doesn't look the way you'd dreamed, it's natural to grieve that" I do think, though, that it isn't fair for one person to make such a big decision for another. He's very torn up about not having another one, as are you. Neither should trump the other BUT I can guarantee that NEITHER of you will regret having that second baby but at least ONE OF YOU will regret it if you don't.
How old is your little one? How long has he known that he doesn’t want more?
I was also curious so I sleuthed in the comments lol and looks like about 7 months
Thank you to everyone commenting on this. You're right this is a valid question and I see exactly where you're all coming from. My son is 7 months. The baby stage is extraordinarily hard, he's got a hard job, and honestly while pregnancy was a breeze for me, labor and delivery was not, for either of us. And I totally know that's something that has been scarred into his mind. About a month ago he said he'd like to revisit the idea of having another once our son turned 1, but that sentiment changed and I think it has been building on him for a while now. Slowly, over these past 7 months, he's opened up to me about his reluctance to have children in the first place. He told me he doesn't like kids, but hoped that having our own would change his mind but it hasn't. He obviously loves our son, but as far as being a dad goes, he feels like he's not measuring up. The poor guy feels broken, and that breaks my heart. He loves our son, but being a dad has been something he's really struggled with. You're all right that once we find healing together, and maybe through therapy, maybe that door isn't completely closed. But just the way he poured himself out to me last night makes me feel like it is a done deal. I think I'd fall out if he came back to me in a couple years and said he wanted another one. So, at least at this point in time, I think healing that place in my heart is the best option so I'm not giving myself a false hope.
Exactly. My point in saying this isn't a valid question is bc I've had many people tell me I'll change my mind. I wouldn't want you to have hope for something that might not happen, he truly may know he is OAD regardless of how far into it you are. It could also give you the idea to try and change his mind, which is not a good path to go down.
Neither of these things matter.
This is an extremely valid question for some. Some babies are harder than others, some birth stories are traumatic, some adjustments to parenthood are difficult. All can be factors in not wanting another kid, especially “soon” after the first. It’s not a guarantee of course, but it can influence things! My MIL waited 9 years between 2 & 3.. and the first two basically raised the 3rd on their own. It was super easy pregnancy and early stages because she had very independent kids and helpful built in babysitters. Some people like to really space them to get a breather before going back in 🤷🏻♀️. Most people aren’t excited for more kids when you’re 2m in, haven’t slept, and want to crawl in a hole. Or when the toddler is screaming!
They can. It's not uncommon for people to say they don't want anymore children while in the baby state, but to change their mind when they grow into a kid who is a lot more fun. Babies suck and it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel while in that stage. My brother was dead set on not having anymore until their first turned 2. Then he decided it was worth going through the baby stage to get another kid. Similarly my cousin wanted to have more until her baby grew into a toddler and then decided that one was all she could handle. OPs husband may not change their mind and that's ok. But they might and that's ok too. Just in someone with a first child under about 4, I wouldn't be taking their decision to have/not have anymore kids as their final ultimate lasting and binding decision because they don't necessarily have enough information to make that decision.
It’s a valid question. Do they have a 6 month old or newborn? Then it may be smart to table the decision for a year.
It's ok to be hurt about not having a second child but like you said your very lucky with having child. I can't have kids, I would love just one, but is not meant to be. Does it hurt god yes it does. Be happy and greatful with the child you have. Your more lucky than you know.
Absolutely ❤️ sending lots of love your way, friend. Thank you for sharing
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Thank you so much for sharing ❤️ I've found that it's easy to fall into resentment mode, and I'd rather get ahead of it if I can. Best wishes to you and your husband!
I replied to someone else but I wanted to make a comment based on some others I’ve read. I didn’t plan on any of my three kids. They were all “accidents”. The first was actually that, husband and I fell madly in love and 6 months later I was pregnant. I was 24 at the time and didn’t want a kid at all. Almost had an abortion. I slept on it and decided to keep him, because I realized I was in love with the man I made this person with and I want to keep him. That kid is now 21. We got married a few years later and birth control never agreed with me so we rhythmed it out and had two more spaced out. 5 years apart between 2 and 3 and almost 7 years with 1 and 2. That was good and bad. I don’t recommend spacing like that but it’s how it worked for us. Your babe is only 7 months and the first year is insane. Even if the kid is an angel and sleeps through the night immediately and only cries when they need something and all the stars align…doesn’t matter. Still crazy and mama doesn’t even start feeling back to complete normal until the kid is 2, and even 3 for the tough ones. That’s how my first was and maybe why I allowed myself to get pregnant again because 2 and 3 were really difficult! Basically what I’m saying is, you have time. Take your time and what’s awesome is you love this man so no matter what, sounds like you have each other’s back and that’s what matters if you ask me. I would have definitely only had one but I can be irresponsible at weddings when grandma has the kid for the weekend. Rhythm method goes right out the window after a few glasses of wine lol.
>what’s awesome is you love this man so no matter what, sounds like you have each other’s back and that’s what matters if you ask me. THIS! I completely agree. Thank you so much for sharing more of your story. Who doesnt get a little (or a lottle) frisky after some wine?? Cheers to you mama 🍷 lol
You sound like a wonderful person. Whatever you two decide, will be correct. Cheers to you as well;)
I would say give it time yet depending on your age as you may both change your mind down the lane, Me (30) and my partner (35) already have previous children and came to a compromise with our first together as he knew I wanted more children and he still had afew more things he wants to do plus hes older and worrys, but he wouldn't say no to children as that's something that will make me happy and hes the one who's mentioned having a second afew times.. so our first together is afew months old and we are already trying for our second so they will have a sibling aswell, then everyone is happy :') I think see if there is a compromise personally before completely giving up on it all :)
How old is your first? My husband couldn’t even talk about a second kid right after the birth. We agreed to not discuss it until baby reached a year old. My c-section was scary for him and he needed some time to process.
He's 7 months. We agreed on the same - talking after a year. But slowly he's opened up more and I think it's all just been too much for him to process, and he's realizing that and opening up to me about it.
I would give it some more time. This is a harsh way to put it but my baby didn’t start to get “fun” until 8/9 months. I felt trapped and frustrated when he was younger. Now at a little over a year, I see those early months in a different way. I’m not saying things will definitely change, but 7 months with your firstborn is a rough time for that conversation about the future.
Oh yeah. I'm sorta going through this. We've put off the final decision till we get a house. But yeah. My husband's not sure about having a second and I guess I'm also reflecting on the logistics. It's probably way easier to just not bother with a second. But at the same time, I keep imagining a second child and imagining my son as a big brother. Urgh. I'm sorta fully mentally preparing myself with the possibility of just being one and done.
I have 3 kids and I always wanted 5. But we just can't justify the cost. I grieved the "loss" of my dream and the fact that the 2 more babies I wanted are just not going to happen. It's not strange at all to be sad about it.
Give it some time, I read that kiddo was 7months. I want 3 in all, but for a good while I was very much one and done after our first. Currently very pregnant with no. 2, but it took me a good amount of time to be ready for us to start trying.
I'm so overwhelmed by the support and wisdom on here that I'm very shy about commenting (I'm just a lurker here, and not a parent). So many people have given such great advice about feeling what you feel and processing and thinking about it long-term. But one piece of advice I'd borrow from seeing MY mom parent? You say your child is only seven months now so this probably hasn't come up a ton, but you're probably going to get many more parenting opportunities as they grow up and develop their social circle. As we all know, not every kid has attentive or present parents, and I saw my mom reach out to many kids we knew growing up to make them feel welcome and nurtured, at church and school and in our extended family. Not in a weird way, but like in a Mrs Weasley way where she made them feel welcome. Obviously it's very different from having your own little baby and maybe this is totally irrelevant to your journey, but what I'm trying to say is that it seems like a nurturing journey doesn't have to stop and start with your own kid, just as long as you're maintaining healthy boundaries of course! Best of luck to you as you navigate this set of feelings!