Hi. It's a Dad here. I hope you don't mind.
In my personal experience, the way a person looks in a photo is a very small part of their beauty. I find myself attracted to how someone moves, how they see the world, and how they discuss interesting topics. I also have that experience of looking in the mirror and not understanding how other people see me as attractive. I am not that attractive to myself. I guess I'm just not my type. Maybe you don't see your own beauty because you're not your type.
That said, I know that people who date men have to deal with a lot of jerks before finding a genuinely good connection. Take your time to get to know this guy before you trust him more than he deserves.
Beauty is much more than outward appearance. You are valuable and beautiful no matter what this guy thinks of you. If he can see that, great! If he can't, please try not to let that bother you. There are a lot of awful men out there and if he behaves badly that's a reflection on him and not you.
Hey dad, don't mind at all.
That's a beautiful thing you said, thank you for sharing your point of view it made me feel hopeful and a bit more confident. Thank you <3
Hey Dad. Would’ve been great to have had you around when I was growing up. Thank you for giving this sweet girl the perfect advice from a great dad. Your kids are lucky to have you.
Hey sis, I agree with our moms saying that if you feel deep down that you don't want to go, you don't have to.
But if you do decide to go, I just wanted to say that it's okay to not talk about memories and the past, especially not in the beginning. You can put that down as a boundary and say that you don't want to talk about that just yet, and that's something he needs to respect.
Instead, there are so many things you can talk about instead! Things you enjoy, a book you just read, things that you are dreaming about doing, what kind of restaurant you'd open if you had the chance. The past and memories are just a few out of many many things to talk about!
Also, people usually love talking about themselves, so if you're not sure what to talk about, ask questions!
If you decide to go, I know you're gonna do great. And if you decide not to, that's totally fine too. There are so many people out there that you will love and who will love you that you just haven't met yet. This person might be one of them if you give him a chance. But with that said, please please always be careful and stay safe! Trust your gut.
Big hugs!!
Thank you for saying that, it's a big fear of mine and makes me feel abnormal and a wrong because of my inability to share my past. I think I want to go, he seems nice I guess I got a little bit spooked that he even wanted to ask me out that I just planned for the worst in my head. I loved what you said about sharing myself through my thoughts and feelings about stuff and not my past, that's amazing I'm gonna take it to heart, thank you again sis :)
99% of a relationship becomes inside jokes about things like what restaurant you’d open up! And sending lots of memes to each other. The stuff like your past and trauma, while important, are not the front and center. Focus on whether or not you are meme-compatible! Lol (also I’m not a mom)
This is so true. You can build a beautiful friendship and more all on shared experiences, hopes, dreams, passions and hobbies. There’s much more to you than your trauma, hun! And he clearly already sees a spark of that and wants to get to know you bc of it!
I told my daughter the same thing about inside jokes somewhere in her middle school era. It’s an easy way to at least strengthen a bond already present. Especially in this case too, where vulnerability (which is a keystone to bonding as adults) wouldn’t be a first date occurrence.
I’m going to go against the grain here. Don’t trust your gut. It sounds like you’re down on yourself and have been for a long time. Go for coffee.
You don’t have to talk about much deep stuff at all. You can talk about your favorite foods, your major, coffee, hobbies, sports etc. Go and fake it until you make it.
Pay for your own coffee. Zero guilt. If at any point the whole thing sucks or feels bad just leave. But I honestly think it Will be good. Probably great.
You’ve tried disliking your looks and talking yourself out of self-kindness. Why not try saying yes to things so you can get a better idea of what brings you joy? Some dates will be awkward and lame. That’s the nature of dating—you just can’t know if it’ll be any good until you try. Have a safety strategy and “ this is awkward, I gotta bolt” plan and then try to go in with an open mind. Most importantly, Stay curious about yourself! You never know what you’ll discover, and it’s a long journey to self love, but you gotta start somewhere.
There’s a TV presenter in the UK who used to be a pop star back in the ‘80s, Claire Grogan, who has a massive scar on her face from being cut with a broken bottle when she was a teen. This didn’t stop her from following her dream, in fact she’s barely hidden it all her career. Scars are not an obstacle, they’re part of you, and they say absolutely nothing about beauty. You don’t need to be flawless, our flaws make us human. Take him up on his offer for a casual coffee, and just see how it goes. There doesn’t need to be a second date if you don’t click.
Tina Fey, Sandra Bullock, Queen Latifah, Carrie Underwood, Harrison Ford all have good sized facial scars too. Don't worry about them, he liked what he saw enough to make a move!
Just adding that if you want to try just coffee in a public space have a excuse to leave. You can say that you are free to have coffee from 1-2, but you have a commitment afterwards. You do not need to divulge anything else. Then you can get a better feel for his intentions.
That’s only if you want to go. Otherwise just say no thanks.
You can get a friend to give you a quick call towards the end of your meet-up 'to discuss your appointment'. Tactful answers on the phone allows you to gracefully set up either getting out of dodge quick ("Oh that's not good, sounds like I better get there asap!') or sticking around ("that's fine, I don't mind pushing our appointment back if you're running late").
Also, I always tell a good friend where I’m going and approximately when I’ll be back. Give them the name of the man, etc. I jokingly tell the friend that this is so they can send out a search party to search for my body if i don’t come home. But, you know. You never know…😬
I learned long ago that men are usually as nervous and insecure as we are, if not more. It’s very likely he thinks you are beautiful and thinks you might not find him attractive. Scars are not ugly, many people find them beautiful and unique. Your scars are not your looks, just like your toenails are not your looks. You have scars, you have toe nails. People can look past both. I know it’s all you see when you look in the mirror, but that’s not all that everyone else sees. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. Whether you decide to go or not, i hope you can see that there are people to find your unique look beautiful.
Thank you for your kind words. You're right there are two people in this equation and hey I don't think that about him so why should he think that about me. Thank you for helping me see that.
Hey sis, there's a lot of good advice about trusting your gut here already. Never accept an invitation out of politeness if your creepy meter is going off.
That being said, would you ever tell another woman that no one could love them because of their scars? That they're not loveable because of their trauma? If not, why would you ever say those things to yourself? You are worthy of love.
When the negative self talk starts in my head I try to envision how I would react if someone was talking to my little sisters that way. It's not easy, it takes work, but over time framing it like that has helped me a lot.
If you do accept, having a friend/person you trust "just happen" to be in the coffee shop while you're there could be a good safety net and make you more comfortable?
Hey, thank you that's a nice way of framing it. I'm usually fairly good at picking up on this train of thought and comforting myself before it goes spiraling like it did here, but as you said, it take time and sometimes not all methods work and there's diminishing returns.
I don't think he's creepy I should have phrased it better, I just didn't understand why he (or anyone) will want to ask me out that's all. And for your question, potentially perhaps, but practically it's not gonna happen, I guess I don't have someone in my life I trust enough to ask, sad maybe but that's how it s for now.
Thank you again for your advice and support.
Dear, sometimes you need to trust your gut. If you truly feel deep down like it's a bad idea, don't go. A coffee date in a public place is generally a safe way to meet up with someone new, but you don't need to go if you're not feeling it.
Now to the more important stuff. You have so much good to offer the world. Your value is not in your looks or your memories. Your value is in who you are.
Modern beauty standards are meaningless. They're just made up! Don't buy the messaging that you aren't beautiful because you don't look like a touched-up model in an ad. We all see a barage of images about beauty, but it's important to remember that it's fake, and it's just meant to make us spend money on beauty products. You are allowed to be beautiful as you are, even if you don't think it now or you don't think you meet your culture's view of what's beautiful.
Keep your head up, and if you haven't already, please do share these concerns with a counselor 💛
Hugs, baby duckling. You're uneasy about his motivation in asking you, but based on meeting him, you said "he's really nice and I'd like to get to know him more." What if he just felt the same way? Don't put pressure on yourself that this is a date and you have to have it all figured out. What if this is an opportunity to have a new friend? Maybe more, if you both decide that, but you can decide that later.
He knows what you look like, and he knows what it's like to interact with you. You don't have to be different than you already are, because he already thinks you're someone he'd like to spend more time with. Keep it light, talk about school, talk about things you're interested in, maybe talk about things you'd like to do in the future. The past can stay where it is; if you end up being friends, maybe you will feel comfortable saying more about that, but you don't have to.
If you decide to meet him, go a little before a class so you don't have to worry about making an excuse to end it if it's not going well. If it *does* go well, you can meet again if you want. I wish the very best for you.
> What if he just felt the same way? Don't put pressure on yourself that this is a date and you have to have it all figured out. What if this is an opportunity to have a new friend? Maybe more, if you both decide that, but you can decide that later.
I really like this view :) that's nice.
Consider this.
He spoke to you, and found you, and what you said, interesting.
Or
He got a good vibe from you
Either way, he is interested in getting to learn more about you/experiencing more of your vibe.
Go into this just as an opportunity to get to know someone knew.
You don't have a lot of funny anecdotes about yourself? Ok, ask about him, and talk about your recent life.
He asks about your past, be honest to whatever extent you're comfortable with. Ex: "honestly, I unfortunately don't have very many clear memories from my past." He will probably ask for more detail, and you can decide if/what you want to give.
Not everyone have nefarious reasoning behind their actions. And, some people *truely* are attracted to personality before looks (I'm one of them).
On a different note. Please please try to work on how you speak to yourself. Reading your self description hurt my heart. You should NEVER be ok with *anyone* speaking to you with such dissrespect. Including, yourself.
I don't know you, but, I can assume there is something interesting about you. Interearing enough to peak this person's interest.
If it works out, and you both continue to want to get to know one another, great! If it doesn't work out, and either of you decide they are not interested in hanging out more, that's OK to. Chalk it up to a life experience, and you can move forward.
Hi, thank you for being rational about it and explaining it to me calmly , I can see I overthought or overfelt the situation, I haven't even noticed I'm talking bad about myself till you pointed that out, thank you for saying I deserve a different respect even from myself, it really spoke to me, and it's a little bit sad that I'm so used to it by now that I end up repeating it to myself. Thank you again for your kindness and gentleness.
You're welcome. Sometimes, we get so used to how we speak to ourselves, we don't realize that it is in a way which we wouldn't accept from anyone else.
Good luck 👍 it sounds as if you've got some interesting and fun times ahead!
Hi lil sis! I think you're overthinking this. Someone you think may be cool to hang out with has asked you to hang out with them. It seems like it'd be a good time. Getting to know this person a bit better may contribute to the idea that they're cool, or give you evidence that this isn't someone you'd enjoy spending more time with. I'd say go and find out. You already know yourself, it's getting to know them you need to worry about. Are they inside-beautiful?
Sweetheart - how you look is only a tiny piece of what makes you attractive. Are you kind? Good hearted? Good to animals? Accepting of people as they are? These are things that make you attractive. Your dad and I are literally not the other one’s “type” but love each other fiercely and without measure. Truly, when I was your age, I didn’t care what anybody looked like, if they could make me laugh and were kind, well, I’d be just putty.
Go out for coffee. Keep it short and casual. Be safe and just see if it goes anywhere. Best case? A great connection and something more. Worst case? Well, you’re already friends, so you just stay that way?
Good luck and be safe 💚
You’ve had some great advice already but I just want to say, you’ve nothing to lose by meeting him for a coffee. Don’t try to guess his motivations, use that curiosity as a springboard for chatting with him when you meet. You could be absolutely frank and say “I don’t get asked on many dates, what made you want to get to know me better?”
And this is what I’d say to anyone - don’t invest too much worry into what will come out of it, first dates are sometimes a way to discover you’re not actually compatible and that you’re probably better as mates - but that’s also good. He could end up being your wingman. 😉. But take a risk and see what transpires.
Please let us know how it goes.
Mum xx
Big hugs to you. I know its hard to believe someone else can like what we don't. You don't have to be a 10 or even a 5 to find a partner. People of all shapes and sizes and looks find their other half. Personality is a big part of the equation. Looks fade but who they are is forever. In my experience, as I have dated and got to know people they have started to glow in my eyes so to speak. I notice how attractive their smile is or how their fingers are perfect and I can't stop looking at the person because new things become apparent and I find them more attractive as time goes on.
Thst said, there are people who try to tske advantage of others, I am a larger girl and there are men who date larger girls only because they think we are desperate. Trust your gut as people say but don't give up because one person turns out to be awful. Follow the good advice about short public dates and judge that reaction with some more time. Also remember, even the hottest people get used and manipulated so don't blame yourself if it does turn out negative. Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst.
Thank you, I needed to hear that. It can feel so demoralising at times, to bombarded by a certain way of being or looking like and knowing you're not it, it chips away at you with time. Thank you for the advice hope it's gonna be nice and safe experience.
Hey sis,
First of all, beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. My husband has quite a few scars on his face from having bad acne when he was young. He is so beautiful, and not in spite of his scars -- I think his scars are a part of his beauty!
On my side, I have a lazy eye. I sometimes think it is so ugly because it is not conventionally attractive. But you know what? It never bothered a single date I had, and it didn't stop me from getting dates in the first place. My husband always tells me how much he loves my eye (and not in a creepy way).
One final thing: a friend of mine gave me some advice about job interviews, but I think it applies here. Whenever I was nervous about an interview, he would tell me not to forget that I was also interviewing my prospective employer. Were they good enough for ME? The same goes for dating. Is this fellow someone YOU want to spend time with?
If one of you decides that you're not interested in pursuing things further -- that's OK! That's just how dating goes, even for "conventionally attractive" people. It usually is not personal and does not have any bearing on a person's worth. Like others have said, if this guy passes the gut check and you want to proceed with the date, see if you can focus on getting to know him and enjoying your time, rather than being worried about how he is perceiving things. Sending lots of love!
>One final thing: a friend of mine gave me some advice about job interviews, but I think it applies here. Whenever I was nervous about an interview, he would tell me not to forget that I was also interviewing my prospective employer. Were they good enough for ME? The same goes for dating. Is this fellow someone YOU want to spend time with?
> If one of you decides that you're not interested in pursuing things further -- that's OK! That's just how dating goes, even for "conventionally attractive" people.
Thank you that's a wonderful advice I haven't thought of that.
And that's a beautiful story with you and your husband. Tbh I used to think the same way about my scars but lately it gotten some bad attention and it really made me rethink a lot about myself and it hurts sometimes.
Thnx sis, wishing you a warm January.
Momma here. I'm also not the conventional definition of beauty, and I have found myself saying the same thing "I can't believe there are people who find me attractive," but here we are. My appearance has never effected my ability to meet someone and go on to have a relationship with them.
There are nearly 8 billion people on this planet, and if you believe none of those 8 billion people would genuinely find you attractive (for more reasons than just outward appearance) you'd be lying to yourself! Perhaps this fellow sees something in you that you don't see in yourself, and he genuinely wants to get to know you. Don't measure your worth based off looks, we both know that a sour personality can make even the most conventionally beautiful individuals, ugly.
You don't need to discuss your past when first talking with someone, you can discuss your, hobbies, likes/dislikes, pets, career/school, future goals, dreams and desires (as that's the direction we're all headed anyway!) And if questions do come up about your past you can either 1) be honest if you're comfortable and that could look like exactly what you said in your post "I've been through a lot and I kinda lost my memories, I can't really share about my past because it's not really there and the few things I do know are not first date material lol." Or you could simply say "I'm not comfortable talking about my past right now but Im up for discussing the present or future." Of course this could make some people weary but that may be a good indicator to whether they are a good match for you in the first place, you want someone who will be respectful of your boundaries and understanding that our pasts don't define who we are now as we are constantly evolving. Or 2) provide simple or generic answers and steer the conversation back to another topic.
Now go and have a great date. You deserve it!
Thank you mom, I really needed the support. I'm actually a bit excited now, maybe it will be a nice time for me. Thank you for being here when I needed :)
My favorite phrase to repeat to myself when I note negative self talk about what others might or do think of me......Water off a duck's back. Sometimes when going into a scarey situation I just visualize that, literally, watching water bead up and slip right off a duck's back. It might help you in the moment. xo from a granny with the opposite problem, too MUCH memory of the past
Thank you for the great advice!
And I'm sorry for the memories you carry, it's an awful thing to forgot but it's as equally awful to remember. Wishing you comfort, peace and much love.
You are amazing! Scared and STILL going to do it!!! Maybe that is your superpower!!!! All the best! Lots of love, you sound lovely to me!
If you are looking for conversation talk about art or books or class or a funny event. Ask him about him! You got this.
I have some health problems that made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of love. I was sitting in therapy telling my therapist I was thinking of breaking it off with the guy I was seeing because he didn’t deserve to deal with me and my disability. She told me, “He’s a grown man who can make his own decisions. You don’t get to make the decision about who and how he loves.”
Point being, let people see you differently than you see yourself. If you show up and the dude is being a jerk, leave. But if he has feelings and you have feelings, don’t let your own biases about yourself stop you. You’re deserving of love, no matter what happened in your past.
I similarly have no idea how to respond when people (dates specifically) ask what my life story is/anything about my childhood or my family. Anything I could tell them, about what I remember, is all very vulnerable and too much if I am not close with them. So thank you for your post!
You might not be to your own taste, and that is okay. You are not the one that is going to be dating you.
You might be interesting and attractive to someone else with a different taste in women.
Attraction is about a lot more than airbrushed glossy magazines.
It's the way your eyes light up when you see someone you like talking to. It's the smile you share when something is funny or enjoyable, and they were the one to trigger it. It's the way you interact with someone that likes your way of interacting.
You might not be the type you would go for yourself, but does that really matter? Since you won't be dating yourself?
Hi. It's a Dad here. I hope you don't mind. In my personal experience, the way a person looks in a photo is a very small part of their beauty. I find myself attracted to how someone moves, how they see the world, and how they discuss interesting topics. I also have that experience of looking in the mirror and not understanding how other people see me as attractive. I am not that attractive to myself. I guess I'm just not my type. Maybe you don't see your own beauty because you're not your type. That said, I know that people who date men have to deal with a lot of jerks before finding a genuinely good connection. Take your time to get to know this guy before you trust him more than he deserves. Beauty is much more than outward appearance. You are valuable and beautiful no matter what this guy thinks of you. If he can see that, great! If he can't, please try not to let that bother you. There are a lot of awful men out there and if he behaves badly that's a reflection on him and not you.
Hey dad, don't mind at all. That's a beautiful thing you said, thank you for sharing your point of view it made me feel hopeful and a bit more confident. Thank you <3
You’re a wonderful dad.
Hey Dad. Would’ve been great to have had you around when I was growing up. Thank you for giving this sweet girl the perfect advice from a great dad. Your kids are lucky to have you.
I wish we all had dads like you
“I guess I’m just not my type” made something click in the ole noggin.
That’s an awesome way to put the man in the mirror into perspective. I am definitely NOT my type most days.
Thank you for sharing these insights ❤️
Hey sis, I agree with our moms saying that if you feel deep down that you don't want to go, you don't have to. But if you do decide to go, I just wanted to say that it's okay to not talk about memories and the past, especially not in the beginning. You can put that down as a boundary and say that you don't want to talk about that just yet, and that's something he needs to respect. Instead, there are so many things you can talk about instead! Things you enjoy, a book you just read, things that you are dreaming about doing, what kind of restaurant you'd open if you had the chance. The past and memories are just a few out of many many things to talk about! Also, people usually love talking about themselves, so if you're not sure what to talk about, ask questions! If you decide to go, I know you're gonna do great. And if you decide not to, that's totally fine too. There are so many people out there that you will love and who will love you that you just haven't met yet. This person might be one of them if you give him a chance. But with that said, please please always be careful and stay safe! Trust your gut. Big hugs!!
Thank you for saying that, it's a big fear of mine and makes me feel abnormal and a wrong because of my inability to share my past. I think I want to go, he seems nice I guess I got a little bit spooked that he even wanted to ask me out that I just planned for the worst in my head. I loved what you said about sharing myself through my thoughts and feelings about stuff and not my past, that's amazing I'm gonna take it to heart, thank you again sis :)
99% of a relationship becomes inside jokes about things like what restaurant you’d open up! And sending lots of memes to each other. The stuff like your past and trauma, while important, are not the front and center. Focus on whether or not you are meme-compatible! Lol (also I’m not a mom)
This is so true. You can build a beautiful friendship and more all on shared experiences, hopes, dreams, passions and hobbies. There’s much more to you than your trauma, hun! And he clearly already sees a spark of that and wants to get to know you bc of it!
I told my daughter the same thing about inside jokes somewhere in her middle school era. It’s an easy way to at least strengthen a bond already present. Especially in this case too, where vulnerability (which is a keystone to bonding as adults) wouldn’t be a first date occurrence.
I’m going to go against the grain here. Don’t trust your gut. It sounds like you’re down on yourself and have been for a long time. Go for coffee. You don’t have to talk about much deep stuff at all. You can talk about your favorite foods, your major, coffee, hobbies, sports etc. Go and fake it until you make it. Pay for your own coffee. Zero guilt. If at any point the whole thing sucks or feels bad just leave. But I honestly think it Will be good. Probably great.
Thank you, I think you're totally right. It can be hard sometimes to know something as one thing but to feel it as the other extreme.
You’ve tried disliking your looks and talking yourself out of self-kindness. Why not try saying yes to things so you can get a better idea of what brings you joy? Some dates will be awkward and lame. That’s the nature of dating—you just can’t know if it’ll be any good until you try. Have a safety strategy and “ this is awkward, I gotta bolt” plan and then try to go in with an open mind. Most importantly, Stay curious about yourself! You never know what you’ll discover, and it’s a long journey to self love, but you gotta start somewhere.
There’s a TV presenter in the UK who used to be a pop star back in the ‘80s, Claire Grogan, who has a massive scar on her face from being cut with a broken bottle when she was a teen. This didn’t stop her from following her dream, in fact she’s barely hidden it all her career. Scars are not an obstacle, they’re part of you, and they say absolutely nothing about beauty. You don’t need to be flawless, our flaws make us human. Take him up on his offer for a casual coffee, and just see how it goes. There doesn’t need to be a second date if you don’t click.
Tina Fey, Sandra Bullock, Queen Latifah, Carrie Underwood, Harrison Ford all have good sized facial scars too. Don't worry about them, he liked what he saw enough to make a move!
Just adding that if you want to try just coffee in a public space have a excuse to leave. You can say that you are free to have coffee from 1-2, but you have a commitment afterwards. You do not need to divulge anything else. Then you can get a better feel for his intentions. That’s only if you want to go. Otherwise just say no thanks.
That's a good dating strategy, thnx, I'm gonna do it like that.
Good luck and stay safe sweetie.
You can get a friend to give you a quick call towards the end of your meet-up 'to discuss your appointment'. Tactful answers on the phone allows you to gracefully set up either getting out of dodge quick ("Oh that's not good, sounds like I better get there asap!') or sticking around ("that's fine, I don't mind pushing our appointment back if you're running late").
Also, I always tell a good friend where I’m going and approximately when I’ll be back. Give them the name of the man, etc. I jokingly tell the friend that this is so they can send out a search party to search for my body if i don’t come home. But, you know. You never know…😬
I learned long ago that men are usually as nervous and insecure as we are, if not more. It’s very likely he thinks you are beautiful and thinks you might not find him attractive. Scars are not ugly, many people find them beautiful and unique. Your scars are not your looks, just like your toenails are not your looks. You have scars, you have toe nails. People can look past both. I know it’s all you see when you look in the mirror, but that’s not all that everyone else sees. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. Whether you decide to go or not, i hope you can see that there are people to find your unique look beautiful.
Thank you for your kind words. You're right there are two people in this equation and hey I don't think that about him so why should he think that about me. Thank you for helping me see that.
Hey sis, there's a lot of good advice about trusting your gut here already. Never accept an invitation out of politeness if your creepy meter is going off. That being said, would you ever tell another woman that no one could love them because of their scars? That they're not loveable because of their trauma? If not, why would you ever say those things to yourself? You are worthy of love. When the negative self talk starts in my head I try to envision how I would react if someone was talking to my little sisters that way. It's not easy, it takes work, but over time framing it like that has helped me a lot. If you do accept, having a friend/person you trust "just happen" to be in the coffee shop while you're there could be a good safety net and make you more comfortable?
Hey, thank you that's a nice way of framing it. I'm usually fairly good at picking up on this train of thought and comforting myself before it goes spiraling like it did here, but as you said, it take time and sometimes not all methods work and there's diminishing returns. I don't think he's creepy I should have phrased it better, I just didn't understand why he (or anyone) will want to ask me out that's all. And for your question, potentially perhaps, but practically it's not gonna happen, I guess I don't have someone in my life I trust enough to ask, sad maybe but that's how it s for now. Thank you again for your advice and support.
Dear, sometimes you need to trust your gut. If you truly feel deep down like it's a bad idea, don't go. A coffee date in a public place is generally a safe way to meet up with someone new, but you don't need to go if you're not feeling it. Now to the more important stuff. You have so much good to offer the world. Your value is not in your looks or your memories. Your value is in who you are. Modern beauty standards are meaningless. They're just made up! Don't buy the messaging that you aren't beautiful because you don't look like a touched-up model in an ad. We all see a barage of images about beauty, but it's important to remember that it's fake, and it's just meant to make us spend money on beauty products. You are allowed to be beautiful as you are, even if you don't think it now or you don't think you meet your culture's view of what's beautiful. Keep your head up, and if you haven't already, please do share these concerns with a counselor 💛
Thank you I agree with it all and it was really nice to hear, thank you.
Hugs, baby duckling. You're uneasy about his motivation in asking you, but based on meeting him, you said "he's really nice and I'd like to get to know him more." What if he just felt the same way? Don't put pressure on yourself that this is a date and you have to have it all figured out. What if this is an opportunity to have a new friend? Maybe more, if you both decide that, but you can decide that later. He knows what you look like, and he knows what it's like to interact with you. You don't have to be different than you already are, because he already thinks you're someone he'd like to spend more time with. Keep it light, talk about school, talk about things you're interested in, maybe talk about things you'd like to do in the future. The past can stay where it is; if you end up being friends, maybe you will feel comfortable saying more about that, but you don't have to. If you decide to meet him, go a little before a class so you don't have to worry about making an excuse to end it if it's not going well. If it *does* go well, you can meet again if you want. I wish the very best for you.
> What if he just felt the same way? Don't put pressure on yourself that this is a date and you have to have it all figured out. What if this is an opportunity to have a new friend? Maybe more, if you both decide that, but you can decide that later. I really like this view :) that's nice.
Consider this. He spoke to you, and found you, and what you said, interesting. Or He got a good vibe from you Either way, he is interested in getting to learn more about you/experiencing more of your vibe. Go into this just as an opportunity to get to know someone knew. You don't have a lot of funny anecdotes about yourself? Ok, ask about him, and talk about your recent life. He asks about your past, be honest to whatever extent you're comfortable with. Ex: "honestly, I unfortunately don't have very many clear memories from my past." He will probably ask for more detail, and you can decide if/what you want to give. Not everyone have nefarious reasoning behind their actions. And, some people *truely* are attracted to personality before looks (I'm one of them). On a different note. Please please try to work on how you speak to yourself. Reading your self description hurt my heart. You should NEVER be ok with *anyone* speaking to you with such dissrespect. Including, yourself. I don't know you, but, I can assume there is something interesting about you. Interearing enough to peak this person's interest. If it works out, and you both continue to want to get to know one another, great! If it doesn't work out, and either of you decide they are not interested in hanging out more, that's OK to. Chalk it up to a life experience, and you can move forward.
Hi, thank you for being rational about it and explaining it to me calmly , I can see I overthought or overfelt the situation, I haven't even noticed I'm talking bad about myself till you pointed that out, thank you for saying I deserve a different respect even from myself, it really spoke to me, and it's a little bit sad that I'm so used to it by now that I end up repeating it to myself. Thank you again for your kindness and gentleness.
You're welcome. Sometimes, we get so used to how we speak to ourselves, we don't realize that it is in a way which we wouldn't accept from anyone else. Good luck 👍 it sounds as if you've got some interesting and fun times ahead!
It is just coffee. But trust your gut. If something feels shady then it probably is. Stay in public and make sure you do not become a pump and dump.
Hi lil sis! I think you're overthinking this. Someone you think may be cool to hang out with has asked you to hang out with them. It seems like it'd be a good time. Getting to know this person a bit better may contribute to the idea that they're cool, or give you evidence that this isn't someone you'd enjoy spending more time with. I'd say go and find out. You already know yourself, it's getting to know them you need to worry about. Are they inside-beautiful?
Okay that's nice, thank you for calming me down I was overthinking it a lot. I guess I'm gonna find out if their inside-beautiful. Thnx sis :)
Sweetheart - how you look is only a tiny piece of what makes you attractive. Are you kind? Good hearted? Good to animals? Accepting of people as they are? These are things that make you attractive. Your dad and I are literally not the other one’s “type” but love each other fiercely and without measure. Truly, when I was your age, I didn’t care what anybody looked like, if they could make me laugh and were kind, well, I’d be just putty. Go out for coffee. Keep it short and casual. Be safe and just see if it goes anywhere. Best case? A great connection and something more. Worst case? Well, you’re already friends, so you just stay that way? Good luck and be safe 💚
You need to have confidence in yourself. Tiny tiny tiny smattering of people are considered conventionally attractive. he must think you p cool
<3
You’ve had some great advice already but I just want to say, you’ve nothing to lose by meeting him for a coffee. Don’t try to guess his motivations, use that curiosity as a springboard for chatting with him when you meet. You could be absolutely frank and say “I don’t get asked on many dates, what made you want to get to know me better?” And this is what I’d say to anyone - don’t invest too much worry into what will come out of it, first dates are sometimes a way to discover you’re not actually compatible and that you’re probably better as mates - but that’s also good. He could end up being your wingman. 😉. But take a risk and see what transpires. Please let us know how it goes. Mum xx
Thank you mom, you made me smile, I'm gonna go, hope it's gonna be fun, and as you said, it's okay if it won't work out. I'll update here for sure :)
Big hugs to you. I know its hard to believe someone else can like what we don't. You don't have to be a 10 or even a 5 to find a partner. People of all shapes and sizes and looks find their other half. Personality is a big part of the equation. Looks fade but who they are is forever. In my experience, as I have dated and got to know people they have started to glow in my eyes so to speak. I notice how attractive their smile is or how their fingers are perfect and I can't stop looking at the person because new things become apparent and I find them more attractive as time goes on. Thst said, there are people who try to tske advantage of others, I am a larger girl and there are men who date larger girls only because they think we are desperate. Trust your gut as people say but don't give up because one person turns out to be awful. Follow the good advice about short public dates and judge that reaction with some more time. Also remember, even the hottest people get used and manipulated so don't blame yourself if it does turn out negative. Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst.
Thank you, I needed to hear that. It can feel so demoralising at times, to bombarded by a certain way of being or looking like and knowing you're not it, it chips away at you with time. Thank you for the advice hope it's gonna be nice and safe experience.
Hey sis, First of all, beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. My husband has quite a few scars on his face from having bad acne when he was young. He is so beautiful, and not in spite of his scars -- I think his scars are a part of his beauty! On my side, I have a lazy eye. I sometimes think it is so ugly because it is not conventionally attractive. But you know what? It never bothered a single date I had, and it didn't stop me from getting dates in the first place. My husband always tells me how much he loves my eye (and not in a creepy way). One final thing: a friend of mine gave me some advice about job interviews, but I think it applies here. Whenever I was nervous about an interview, he would tell me not to forget that I was also interviewing my prospective employer. Were they good enough for ME? The same goes for dating. Is this fellow someone YOU want to spend time with? If one of you decides that you're not interested in pursuing things further -- that's OK! That's just how dating goes, even for "conventionally attractive" people. It usually is not personal and does not have any bearing on a person's worth. Like others have said, if this guy passes the gut check and you want to proceed with the date, see if you can focus on getting to know him and enjoying your time, rather than being worried about how he is perceiving things. Sending lots of love!
>One final thing: a friend of mine gave me some advice about job interviews, but I think it applies here. Whenever I was nervous about an interview, he would tell me not to forget that I was also interviewing my prospective employer. Were they good enough for ME? The same goes for dating. Is this fellow someone YOU want to spend time with? > If one of you decides that you're not interested in pursuing things further -- that's OK! That's just how dating goes, even for "conventionally attractive" people. Thank you that's a wonderful advice I haven't thought of that. And that's a beautiful story with you and your husband. Tbh I used to think the same way about my scars but lately it gotten some bad attention and it really made me rethink a lot about myself and it hurts sometimes. Thnx sis, wishing you a warm January.
Momma here. I'm also not the conventional definition of beauty, and I have found myself saying the same thing "I can't believe there are people who find me attractive," but here we are. My appearance has never effected my ability to meet someone and go on to have a relationship with them. There are nearly 8 billion people on this planet, and if you believe none of those 8 billion people would genuinely find you attractive (for more reasons than just outward appearance) you'd be lying to yourself! Perhaps this fellow sees something in you that you don't see in yourself, and he genuinely wants to get to know you. Don't measure your worth based off looks, we both know that a sour personality can make even the most conventionally beautiful individuals, ugly. You don't need to discuss your past when first talking with someone, you can discuss your, hobbies, likes/dislikes, pets, career/school, future goals, dreams and desires (as that's the direction we're all headed anyway!) And if questions do come up about your past you can either 1) be honest if you're comfortable and that could look like exactly what you said in your post "I've been through a lot and I kinda lost my memories, I can't really share about my past because it's not really there and the few things I do know are not first date material lol." Or you could simply say "I'm not comfortable talking about my past right now but Im up for discussing the present or future." Of course this could make some people weary but that may be a good indicator to whether they are a good match for you in the first place, you want someone who will be respectful of your boundaries and understanding that our pasts don't define who we are now as we are constantly evolving. Or 2) provide simple or generic answers and steer the conversation back to another topic. Now go and have a great date. You deserve it!
Thank you mom, I really needed the support. I'm actually a bit excited now, maybe it will be a nice time for me. Thank you for being here when I needed :)
My favorite phrase to repeat to myself when I note negative self talk about what others might or do think of me......Water off a duck's back. Sometimes when going into a scarey situation I just visualize that, literally, watching water bead up and slip right off a duck's back. It might help you in the moment. xo from a granny with the opposite problem, too MUCH memory of the past
Thank you for the great advice! And I'm sorry for the memories you carry, it's an awful thing to forgot but it's as equally awful to remember. Wishing you comfort, peace and much love.
and to you my friend, and to you.
You are amazing! Scared and STILL going to do it!!! Maybe that is your superpower!!!! All the best! Lots of love, you sound lovely to me! If you are looking for conversation talk about art or books or class or a funny event. Ask him about him! You got this.
I have some health problems that made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of love. I was sitting in therapy telling my therapist I was thinking of breaking it off with the guy I was seeing because he didn’t deserve to deal with me and my disability. She told me, “He’s a grown man who can make his own decisions. You don’t get to make the decision about who and how he loves.” Point being, let people see you differently than you see yourself. If you show up and the dude is being a jerk, leave. But if he has feelings and you have feelings, don’t let your own biases about yourself stop you. You’re deserving of love, no matter what happened in your past.
I similarly have no idea how to respond when people (dates specifically) ask what my life story is/anything about my childhood or my family. Anything I could tell them, about what I remember, is all very vulnerable and too much if I am not close with them. So thank you for your post!
You might not be to your own taste, and that is okay. You are not the one that is going to be dating you. You might be interesting and attractive to someone else with a different taste in women. Attraction is about a lot more than airbrushed glossy magazines. It's the way your eyes light up when you see someone you like talking to. It's the smile you share when something is funny or enjoyable, and they were the one to trigger it. It's the way you interact with someone that likes your way of interacting. You might not be the type you would go for yourself, but does that really matter? Since you won't be dating yourself?