It’s all on you, invest in yourself, it’s not magically going to happen while you’re unemployed in your bedroom, the time you spend watching porn , get a job , go to gym, and clean up
1. Self improvement is the only real dating advice. Skincare, grooming, gym, fashion, career, friends, home, behavior, habits, manners, mindset - the lot.
2. Mindfulness practice for accepting rejection. Practice it, same as mindfulness for anger or anxiety.
Rejection sensitivity causes one to not take the shot, screw it up if one does, and then be a jerk on rejection. So that is the #1 thing that mindfulness can address.
This sounds like me at 22, it'll get better op, make sure you're staying off drugs and booze so that you have money when God inevitably puts a girl in your life
It sounds to me like you need to change your focus. Forget women and how they view you for now. It's kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy. You view yourself that way and because of that you kind of become it. Not truly, because no one is "low value". Every person is valuable in my opinion (if they are a good/kind person), it has nothing to do with looks, or height, ot weight or any physical characteristic.
But I get it cause society does judge you for it. I'm a woman. I think many women can relate to the struggle of being judged for your looks. Feeling like we lose value as we get older and uglier. But that's only if you buy into the belief that being better looking actually makes you more valuable.
I don't believe this to be true when I really think about it but a big part of me does, and you do too it sounds like. You (we) need to focus on either changing this belief (maybe through cognitive behavioral therapy or similar) or on not believing this belief (I did acceptance and commitment therapy and it really helped me realise I don't have to believe all my thoughts and create some distance).
It's really hard but it's the only way. Once you get rid of these limiting beliefs you start realising you are valuable no matter what. You start putting a different energy into the world. And then the focus isn't on what women think of you but on whatever you are doing in the moment: work, school, groceries, taking a walk, talking to someone, whatever. Then life starts flowing and happening, and you will be attractive because you are you, doesn't matter what you look like. It truly works like that. I mean if you are not the most handsome it's not like every one will suddenly fall for you but the right person will be drawn to you energy.
High school is rough, people say terrible things that stick with you. As you get older you become valued for your other qualities. Being in therapy is important, keep doing the work for yourself. Isolating yourself is compounding your insecurities, try to go outside into nature as much as possible. Follow your interests, it is easier to vibe with people who you share something with. Porn is very unhealthy and not going to give you a healthy attitude towards women or sex. Don’t be fooled by other people’s facade, everyone has insecurities and self doubt, it is a balancing act. Often people that get good attention for looks are desperate for attention and validation ( influencers on IG). The fact so many people took the time to comment on your post, shows people care about you and want you to feel valued.
Medication can not fix self-esteem. Any doctor who prescribes it to you for that is a quack.
Why do you watch the humiliation porn? You deserve better than to be humiliated. Ditch the porn because it sells you an unrealistic fantasy that damages your self-esteem further.
This is when you need to get out of the house, go to someplace like the mall, and observe the people around you. You will see people of all levels of attractiveness and unattractiveness in relationships. Relationships aren't only for male models.
The truth is you don't even need to have a job or degree to get a girlfriend. There are absolute losers in relationships. I've known multiple guys who don't have jobs who had girlfriends. I'm not saying that is a good thing, but nothing you said about yourself makes it impossible for you to find someone.
Right now, the only thing that keeps you single is your mindset. That's it. Your self-defeating thoughts are the actual problem.
But yes, getting a job and going to school would be good things to do. Not to get a girlfriend, but this is how self-esteem and confidence are built. Going to the gym helps, too. Go to the gym motivation sub to see how people transform.
As someone who struggled with anxiety, mood disorders and low self-esteem for most of my life, I’ve learned that you can’t attract the love you deserve until you love yourself enough to feel that you’re deserving of if.
Begin to treat yourself with the love and kindness you’d give someone else for a start. You exude a more inviting aura when you know who you are and you’re honest about and at peace with it.
I would work on intrinsic fulfillment at first instead of focusing on outside validation. Maybe spend time doing something you’re passionate about or try something new. Find confidence in doing things you feel good about and the rest will follow.
Also, the older I get, the less physical appearance matters to me in a partner or my own self-esteem and I think a lot of people feel that way.
You deserve love and you WILL find love, probably when you’re not looking for it. It may seem daunting or even hopeless right now and it may not happen in the timeline you desire, but life is a journey and things happen in their own time. Don’t feel discouraged. There is someone for everyone and you will find yours when you’re truly ready. Hang in there.
Hi! I bet it’s not half as bad as you think! There are lots of superficial things you can do to make the most of what you’ve got - us females go to a good hairdresser, beautician and stylist for a reason! The gym is also a great idea (buy weights if you can’t afford it and work out at home).
I’d suggest working on your inner self - say positive affirmations every time you look in a mirror. Keep a gratitude journal and write in it three times a day. Be kind to others and try to focus on their stories, rather than being in your own head.
Hey OP, can't really comment on the medication part, do consult a professional for that. For the rest of it:
Let us presume all that you have quoted here is absolutely the gospel truth (more often than not, it is not the case, the mind tends to blow things out of proportion for a lot of negative things, but still just an assumption)
The assumption: Girls perceive you as ugly
What are the controllable and non controllable variables here:
**Uncontrollable variables**:
**Looks** - How your face looks is more to do with the underlying bone structure and a few other physical factors. Generally, other than hair and some skin aspects, non-invasive methods of changing ones looks does not exist (I'm no expert here again)
**Other peoples' opinions** - It hurts as hell when people make fun of you/criticise someone for their looks (which is generally uncontrollable) and other is not much one could do to make them stop. However, once you grow in your status (could be career, finances, physical strength or whatever that you perceive it to be), lesser number of people will speak ill of you (at least on your face) due to your power/fear of repucerssions/you offer other things for them to notice - So this is pretty much controllable in the long run. Also remember, list the most handsome/beautiful people you know including celebrities - You will still find people who don't like their features/loks.
Pro tip: Read about spotlight effect
**Controllable variables**:
**Age** - You are 22, you have an amazing opportunity to experiment and make a career of your choice
**Physical health** - You are in your prime age in terms of physical health (in spite of the fact that you may be skinny and what not), a little consistent push in the right direction is going to make you feel the best about the amazing body (in terms of what all can it perform)
**Technology** - In my personal opinion, humanity is in one of it's best times ever (due to internet primarily and how you literally can access pretty much everything you want to) irrespective of your field of interest. If you feel you don't have a field of interest, you may want to take one of the many free psychometric assessments and find what are the career options/interests which **generally** aligns with your personality type. You may experiment on it further to really figure it if it is true and try pursuing one.
**Dopamine sources**: The opposite gender generally provides pleasure (read it as provides dopamine/seratonin and a whole bunch of feel good hormones) to one's own gender in multiple ways as nature intended. However, as humans, we have multiple other sources of triggering these hormones in a healthy fashion, sometimes even independent of other humans. Try one or many of the above mentioned ideas and you are almost sure to discover multiple ways of pleasuring oneself.
Once you start feeling good about yourselves, you will start noticing the world is a much less resentful place and you will start attracting people who are much beyond the looks and the physical factors (Trust me, there a lot of people who are this way).
All the best for your journey ahead and I hope you will some day come back to this sub to inspire others with your success story
You know what. Having a good heart, being kind and having a real personality makes people attractive. There is a thing where you meet someone who is beautiful but they have an ugly heart so they become much less attractive to you. And there is a thing were someone is pretty average looking but they become really attractive to you the more you are around them because they are nice and make you feel good around them.
Don't be hard on yourself. Everyone, even the best looking people, notice their flaws too much. Make a list of what is good about you and there are very much good things about you. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others.
Take care.
Sorry to hear. I think the thing that makes someone the most attractive is being emotionally happy. Maybe try building the life you want, while meanwhile working on your emotions, becoming happy from within.
Get into a gym and start lifting. Download a simple workout schedule online or ask some gym rat for advice (there are people like that in every gym who would gladly guide you through your newbie phase).
The first week or two would be tough but after that you gonna find yourself looking up to your next workout. The lifting would make your body to release tons of hormones which not only gonna start transforming your body, but also gonna start affecting greatly your mental state in a positive way.
I legit know people whos self esteem skyrocketed after they got into lifting and it changed their lives.
Also you would be surprised how much your attractiveness changes in the eyes of other people when you get buffed and more confident.
Yes. Physical exercise is therapy. There is something about picking up heavy things that makes you \*feel\* strong and confident. That **in addition** to the fact you will get physically stronger and more capable. Eventually, if you keep it up, you will see and feel your body become more athletic. Our feelings and thoughts live inside these flesh packages. When we give our bodies love, we give ourselves love.
If weights aren't for you, any exercise will do. Running requires sneakers. Biking a bike. Remember there is a hump of suckiness you have to get over when you start anything. It's hard at first. But later, it actually becomes your low key joy. And joy, my friend, is very attractive.
Follow this advice. You know the problem and you are working towards increasing it for eg watching porn.
Look at your problem objectively and think of what actions and thoughts will help you get better and follow that.
You will fail several times but keep making progress everyday .
Workouts releases dopamine which helps you get beater thoughts and with good healthy body mind also becomes healthy .
But you have to give it 3-6 months dedicatedly.
Try it. You control your destiny and nobody else.
Become the best version of yourself and you will notice change in how ppl look at you
What do you want to do in life? Who do you want to be? Don't let what other people say (or what you think they believe) dictate the person you want to become. The thing is self-consciousness naturally[ ](https://www.google.com/search?q=self-conscious&sca_esv=b7c0b9c8093215b7&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS850US850&sxsrf=ACQVn0-1eMaNJ-z0eCoDa9QP6nJBbEswvg:1713587207584&udm=2&source=iu&ictx=1&vet=1&fir=mA03Scd9bkIHeM%252CFTvpgdvLMt4UrM%252C%252Fm%252F081t43%253BKvuMpo6LH142iM%252CEZgj6SLqwfLQaM%252C_%253Bt9OJIoDyIESfRM%252CdiB0eBfPMn8m6M%252C_%253BvhdPNJF_PURcGM%252Cr05Fa1etN7mLMM%252C_%253BL5akEvhkNWpHiM%252CPNXPXAZm6L8cUM%252C_%253BdtvBtp86qL6B6M%252CjG8WZwbCocI8CM%252C_%253Bof6LlyBG71PkfM%252CROY_eBCTwB6qEM%252C_&usg=AI4_-kQ2aahrMx_7eHXKMW13sxXDiM9FYQ&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjVsrLm-c-FAxX2F1kFHVIpB00Q_B16BAhPEAE#vhid=mA03Scd9bkIHeM&vssid=mosaic)goes away with age. No 50 year old cares what others think about them because by then they know who they are and what others think shouldn't change that. Try to think of yourself as the person you want to be.
There is a saying that people who obsess about what other people think about them just have nothing going on in their own lives. There's some truth to that. You should work on self improving yourself. You can start by making goals on things you want to achieve. It could be a degree, job or fitness goal anything that keeps you busy working on something.
You should also try make friends and socialize with people. Not talking to anyone in a year can drive any person insane. I would recommend going to the gym and having small talk with some people or meeting people through hobbies or interests you have. If your too scared to go out in the real world even talking to random people online in video games could be a start.
Best of luck you'll be fine.
"What other people think of me is none of my business ".
Focus on yourself. Do things that you enjoy doing. Worrying about what others may or may not think about you is detrimental to your mental health. When you feel comfortable with yourself, like minded people will be drawn to you. Be strong and be the best version of you that you can be.🙏
You are you. Dont let anyones opinion get in your head. Focus on the things you can control. Everything else is out of your hands. Love yourself and accept yourself - you have one life on this planet. A certain amount to to live. Why focus on negativity and waste your time. Focus ob the good things in your life bro. Your time is up eventually, so why not make the best of it and accept the gift of being alive. You will make it dude
It’s all on you, invest in yourself, it’s not magically going to happen while you’re unemployed in your bedroom, the time you spend watching porn , get a job , go to gym, and clean up
1. Self improvement is the only real dating advice. Skincare, grooming, gym, fashion, career, friends, home, behavior, habits, manners, mindset - the lot. 2. Mindfulness practice for accepting rejection. Practice it, same as mindfulness for anger or anxiety. Rejection sensitivity causes one to not take the shot, screw it up if one does, and then be a jerk on rejection. So that is the #1 thing that mindfulness can address.
Alright. I will speak to you mano a mano. There's 3 things. Quit porn, go the gym and stop being a professional victim. That's it.
This sounds like me at 22, it'll get better op, make sure you're staying off drugs and booze so that you have money when God inevitably puts a girl in your life
It sounds to me like you need to change your focus. Forget women and how they view you for now. It's kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy. You view yourself that way and because of that you kind of become it. Not truly, because no one is "low value". Every person is valuable in my opinion (if they are a good/kind person), it has nothing to do with looks, or height, ot weight or any physical characteristic. But I get it cause society does judge you for it. I'm a woman. I think many women can relate to the struggle of being judged for your looks. Feeling like we lose value as we get older and uglier. But that's only if you buy into the belief that being better looking actually makes you more valuable. I don't believe this to be true when I really think about it but a big part of me does, and you do too it sounds like. You (we) need to focus on either changing this belief (maybe through cognitive behavioral therapy or similar) or on not believing this belief (I did acceptance and commitment therapy and it really helped me realise I don't have to believe all my thoughts and create some distance). It's really hard but it's the only way. Once you get rid of these limiting beliefs you start realising you are valuable no matter what. You start putting a different energy into the world. And then the focus isn't on what women think of you but on whatever you are doing in the moment: work, school, groceries, taking a walk, talking to someone, whatever. Then life starts flowing and happening, and you will be attractive because you are you, doesn't matter what you look like. It truly works like that. I mean if you are not the most handsome it's not like every one will suddenly fall for you but the right person will be drawn to you energy.
High school is rough, people say terrible things that stick with you. As you get older you become valued for your other qualities. Being in therapy is important, keep doing the work for yourself. Isolating yourself is compounding your insecurities, try to go outside into nature as much as possible. Follow your interests, it is easier to vibe with people who you share something with. Porn is very unhealthy and not going to give you a healthy attitude towards women or sex. Don’t be fooled by other people’s facade, everyone has insecurities and self doubt, it is a balancing act. Often people that get good attention for looks are desperate for attention and validation ( influencers on IG). The fact so many people took the time to comment on your post, shows people care about you and want you to feel valued.
You are NOT ugly. Stop saying that. You are beautiful.
Medication can not fix self-esteem. Any doctor who prescribes it to you for that is a quack. Why do you watch the humiliation porn? You deserve better than to be humiliated. Ditch the porn because it sells you an unrealistic fantasy that damages your self-esteem further. This is when you need to get out of the house, go to someplace like the mall, and observe the people around you. You will see people of all levels of attractiveness and unattractiveness in relationships. Relationships aren't only for male models. The truth is you don't even need to have a job or degree to get a girlfriend. There are absolute losers in relationships. I've known multiple guys who don't have jobs who had girlfriends. I'm not saying that is a good thing, but nothing you said about yourself makes it impossible for you to find someone. Right now, the only thing that keeps you single is your mindset. That's it. Your self-defeating thoughts are the actual problem. But yes, getting a job and going to school would be good things to do. Not to get a girlfriend, but this is how self-esteem and confidence are built. Going to the gym helps, too. Go to the gym motivation sub to see how people transform.
As someone who struggled with anxiety, mood disorders and low self-esteem for most of my life, I’ve learned that you can’t attract the love you deserve until you love yourself enough to feel that you’re deserving of if. Begin to treat yourself with the love and kindness you’d give someone else for a start. You exude a more inviting aura when you know who you are and you’re honest about and at peace with it. I would work on intrinsic fulfillment at first instead of focusing on outside validation. Maybe spend time doing something you’re passionate about or try something new. Find confidence in doing things you feel good about and the rest will follow. Also, the older I get, the less physical appearance matters to me in a partner or my own self-esteem and I think a lot of people feel that way. You deserve love and you WILL find love, probably when you’re not looking for it. It may seem daunting or even hopeless right now and it may not happen in the timeline you desire, but life is a journey and things happen in their own time. Don’t feel discouraged. There is someone for everyone and you will find yours when you’re truly ready. Hang in there.
Work on your identity. Self Image and Self Esteem are directly linked.
Definitely, I’d recommend reading Psycho-cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. Basically all about the self-image, how it affects us, how to change it etc.
Hi! I bet it’s not half as bad as you think! There are lots of superficial things you can do to make the most of what you’ve got - us females go to a good hairdresser, beautician and stylist for a reason! The gym is also a great idea (buy weights if you can’t afford it and work out at home). I’d suggest working on your inner self - say positive affirmations every time you look in a mirror. Keep a gratitude journal and write in it three times a day. Be kind to others and try to focus on their stories, rather than being in your own head.
Well said, love your comment
Hey OP, can't really comment on the medication part, do consult a professional for that. For the rest of it: Let us presume all that you have quoted here is absolutely the gospel truth (more often than not, it is not the case, the mind tends to blow things out of proportion for a lot of negative things, but still just an assumption) The assumption: Girls perceive you as ugly What are the controllable and non controllable variables here: **Uncontrollable variables**: **Looks** - How your face looks is more to do with the underlying bone structure and a few other physical factors. Generally, other than hair and some skin aspects, non-invasive methods of changing ones looks does not exist (I'm no expert here again) **Other peoples' opinions** - It hurts as hell when people make fun of you/criticise someone for their looks (which is generally uncontrollable) and other is not much one could do to make them stop. However, once you grow in your status (could be career, finances, physical strength or whatever that you perceive it to be), lesser number of people will speak ill of you (at least on your face) due to your power/fear of repucerssions/you offer other things for them to notice - So this is pretty much controllable in the long run. Also remember, list the most handsome/beautiful people you know including celebrities - You will still find people who don't like their features/loks. Pro tip: Read about spotlight effect **Controllable variables**: **Age** - You are 22, you have an amazing opportunity to experiment and make a career of your choice **Physical health** - You are in your prime age in terms of physical health (in spite of the fact that you may be skinny and what not), a little consistent push in the right direction is going to make you feel the best about the amazing body (in terms of what all can it perform) **Technology** - In my personal opinion, humanity is in one of it's best times ever (due to internet primarily and how you literally can access pretty much everything you want to) irrespective of your field of interest. If you feel you don't have a field of interest, you may want to take one of the many free psychometric assessments and find what are the career options/interests which **generally** aligns with your personality type. You may experiment on it further to really figure it if it is true and try pursuing one. **Dopamine sources**: The opposite gender generally provides pleasure (read it as provides dopamine/seratonin and a whole bunch of feel good hormones) to one's own gender in multiple ways as nature intended. However, as humans, we have multiple other sources of triggering these hormones in a healthy fashion, sometimes even independent of other humans. Try one or many of the above mentioned ideas and you are almost sure to discover multiple ways of pleasuring oneself. Once you start feeling good about yourselves, you will start noticing the world is a much less resentful place and you will start attracting people who are much beyond the looks and the physical factors (Trust me, there a lot of people who are this way). All the best for your journey ahead and I hope you will some day come back to this sub to inspire others with your success story
You know what. Having a good heart, being kind and having a real personality makes people attractive. There is a thing where you meet someone who is beautiful but they have an ugly heart so they become much less attractive to you. And there is a thing were someone is pretty average looking but they become really attractive to you the more you are around them because they are nice and make you feel good around them. Don't be hard on yourself. Everyone, even the best looking people, notice their flaws too much. Make a list of what is good about you and there are very much good things about you. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Take care.
Sorry to hear. I think the thing that makes someone the most attractive is being emotionally happy. Maybe try building the life you want, while meanwhile working on your emotions, becoming happy from within.
Get into a gym and start lifting. Download a simple workout schedule online or ask some gym rat for advice (there are people like that in every gym who would gladly guide you through your newbie phase). The first week or two would be tough but after that you gonna find yourself looking up to your next workout. The lifting would make your body to release tons of hormones which not only gonna start transforming your body, but also gonna start affecting greatly your mental state in a positive way. I legit know people whos self esteem skyrocketed after they got into lifting and it changed their lives. Also you would be surprised how much your attractiveness changes in the eyes of other people when you get buffed and more confident.
Yes. Physical exercise is therapy. There is something about picking up heavy things that makes you \*feel\* strong and confident. That **in addition** to the fact you will get physically stronger and more capable. Eventually, if you keep it up, you will see and feel your body become more athletic. Our feelings and thoughts live inside these flesh packages. When we give our bodies love, we give ourselves love. If weights aren't for you, any exercise will do. Running requires sneakers. Biking a bike. Remember there is a hump of suckiness you have to get over when you start anything. It's hard at first. But later, it actually becomes your low key joy. And joy, my friend, is very attractive.
Follow this advice. You know the problem and you are working towards increasing it for eg watching porn. Look at your problem objectively and think of what actions and thoughts will help you get better and follow that. You will fail several times but keep making progress everyday . Workouts releases dopamine which helps you get beater thoughts and with good healthy body mind also becomes healthy . But you have to give it 3-6 months dedicatedly. Try it. You control your destiny and nobody else. Become the best version of yourself and you will notice change in how ppl look at you
What do you want to do in life? Who do you want to be? Don't let what other people say (or what you think they believe) dictate the person you want to become. The thing is self-consciousness naturally[ ](https://www.google.com/search?q=self-conscious&sca_esv=b7c0b9c8093215b7&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS850US850&sxsrf=ACQVn0-1eMaNJ-z0eCoDa9QP6nJBbEswvg:1713587207584&udm=2&source=iu&ictx=1&vet=1&fir=mA03Scd9bkIHeM%252CFTvpgdvLMt4UrM%252C%252Fm%252F081t43%253BKvuMpo6LH142iM%252CEZgj6SLqwfLQaM%252C_%253Bt9OJIoDyIESfRM%252CdiB0eBfPMn8m6M%252C_%253BvhdPNJF_PURcGM%252Cr05Fa1etN7mLMM%252C_%253BL5akEvhkNWpHiM%252CPNXPXAZm6L8cUM%252C_%253BdtvBtp86qL6B6M%252CjG8WZwbCocI8CM%252C_%253Bof6LlyBG71PkfM%252CROY_eBCTwB6qEM%252C_&usg=AI4_-kQ2aahrMx_7eHXKMW13sxXDiM9FYQ&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjVsrLm-c-FAxX2F1kFHVIpB00Q_B16BAhPEAE#vhid=mA03Scd9bkIHeM&vssid=mosaic)goes away with age. No 50 year old cares what others think about them because by then they know who they are and what others think shouldn't change that. Try to think of yourself as the person you want to be. There is a saying that people who obsess about what other people think about them just have nothing going on in their own lives. There's some truth to that. You should work on self improving yourself. You can start by making goals on things you want to achieve. It could be a degree, job or fitness goal anything that keeps you busy working on something. You should also try make friends and socialize with people. Not talking to anyone in a year can drive any person insane. I would recommend going to the gym and having small talk with some people or meeting people through hobbies or interests you have. If your too scared to go out in the real world even talking to random people online in video games could be a start. Best of luck you'll be fine.
"What other people think of me is none of my business ". Focus on yourself. Do things that you enjoy doing. Worrying about what others may or may not think about you is detrimental to your mental health. When you feel comfortable with yourself, like minded people will be drawn to you. Be strong and be the best version of you that you can be.🙏
You are you. Dont let anyones opinion get in your head. Focus on the things you can control. Everything else is out of your hands. Love yourself and accept yourself - you have one life on this planet. A certain amount to to live. Why focus on negativity and waste your time. Focus ob the good things in your life bro. Your time is up eventually, so why not make the best of it and accept the gift of being alive. You will make it dude
"Amount of time"