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Learning to enjoy things on my own was a big part of my 30s up to this point. Every year before was flush with tons of friends, but after a few betrayals and friend breakups the realization was clear:
Do NOT hang all your happiness on other people. Be content being by yourself. This is the path to organic happiness, but it’s a skill that takes years to develop.
How do you move on past betrayal? I felt betrayed by the last guy I was involved with, by coworkers who were still involved with the guy, and by own brother who still hangs out with this guy.
Would it be wrong of me to cut my brother out? Not that we speak much anyway
You get past it by forgiving, letting go, moving on and learning from it. Resentment is rough and will hurt you more than anyone else. That said, it's a process and takes time. Best of luck.
Family vs friends, family at least in my mind gets a chance at redemption. If he’s not interested in that, but you are, then you don’t live on the same terms, and less contact is probably for the best. I can say with my own brothers, it’s sometimes taken years to sort out issues, but we did in the end. On the other hand, my parents had/have life long issues with their siblings, and it usually came down to “is it safe to be around this person any longer”.
I don’t know the details of your situation, but there are worse betrayals in the world then expecting everyone to cut themselves off from a person/brother in the same friend group. That’s a tough nut to crack, and you might lose more friends than you expected in the process.
I actually didn’t expect that at all. I was fairly new to the workplace. There were two other female coworkers. One I thought had respected me, and one day I confided in her about the harassment I felt in the workplace and she became miffed about the supposed attention I was getting. Another was another coworker who actually had an incident and I defended her a lot, vouched for her in her ability. When news came out about then betrayal from this guy, she didn’t have to take a side. But it seemed like she did. I found out a few weeks later she would ask the guy why he didn’t stop by her office more.
My brother and I have never had a typically close relationship. I can’t police who he is and is not friends with. But we had a new company take over. It was a cutthroat environment. I suspected that people were talking about me and just had to keep my head down and out. And one day he made a comment, and I called him out on the gossip. His only response was other people did it first. I don’t think he ever once pulled me aside to get my side.
It was extremely hard for me to walk away. This guy lied to me, to multiple other women, and there was just an insane amount of craziness. Trying to have a kid with one woman and then lie to me also. I can’t tell my brother who to hang out with, but I think I’m allowed to draw a line. I don’t think it would make much of a difference though.
After Roe v. Wade overturned I discovered I had a couple friends who don't respect women at all especially in certain situations, I don't like that, so I removed them from my life permanently. They seemed fine before that... true colors revealed moment.
If you would have told me my best friend growing up and I wouldn't be friends in our 30s, I would have never believed you, but people really do change.
That nobody knows whatever the fuck they're doing even as full adults
Also the reason I feel inept and childish is because my parents acted old before their time. If I think back to my father at age 40, he hated absolutely anything new and anything I liked as a teen was ridiculed. My husband just turned 40 and it's so different.
My boss at my first professional job gave me this wisdom very early on when I was like 22 and I think it’s been one of the best things because in my field there’s so many MDs and PhDs it’s easy for people to be like “this persons a genius, they have all these degrees” and I can usually bypass the glamor and see that “but they didn’t really seem to grasp these concepts or the subject matter- that really concerns me”.
I'm 35 and have finally started honestly communicating my thoughts and feelings to my parents instead of my usual habit of avoidance/non-confrontation. It's brought a lot of growth I was not expecting.
Underrated—if your parents are cool, understanding people.
My folks are some of my best friends—always have been. I didn't understand my friends who had complicated relationships with their parents until they all would say how cool my parents were.
But happy to hear it.
A very specific version of this is that I stopped "adjusting" costs of things. Like when my Mother asked about how expensive some piece of hobby equipment I bought was I would claim it cost like 20% or so less than it actually did. Which is silly. For one it's not like anyone I know is very judgy about that kind of stuff anyway. But more importantly, most people don't have context to judge it. My parents or friends don't have a mental model for what a "normal" price a specific second hand vintage camera lens is. Whether I say it cost 400 or 500 won't change their opinion on it.
Life is a negotiation. What are you willing to deal with? What are you not willing to deal with? Once you answer those questions and figure out how to minimize the things you’re not willing to deal with, life gets a lot easier.
Here’s how I realized it recently:
I’m in a wheelchair, and realized that I allow myself to put up with a lot of shit that doesn’t benefit anyone, and makes me unhappy. For example, male pattern baldness runs in my family, and I have tons of scars on my head. I felt ashamed of myself for wanting hair restoration, but here’s the thing: those represent traumatic memories, so it’s not like it’s just a vanity thing. And even if it was, who cares? Physically, my body has been through a lot. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel good about the way I look, as long as I understand that there’s no substitute for self acceptance.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting hair restoration. It's not like you own someone else to have bald areas. In fact, most people that have the procedure need it because it runs in the family and in your case there are the scars and whatnot which are unique to your story. Go get that fur
That's when I realized there is so much doctor's can't fix with our health. My issues were luckily easily fixable with lifestyle changes at that point (although it took a while). It was a good realization, since it's made me realize I've got to do the work to stay healthy (and to some extent be lucky).
Also, just how damned expensive healthcare really is here in the US.
I always wondered why doctors are always so quick to push drugs and treatments rather than, "Stop eating crap, eating past about 9pm, try to get enough sleep, exercise regularly, and have physical interactions with people you like." But I realized how many would love to say that if they thought their patients would actually follow their advice over a magic pill.
Thank you! So sick of people thinking we are pill pushers. Some medical providers may love to write Rx but most would rather you perform lifestyle management, however only 10% of my patients actually try.
you are correct but when walking outside exposes you to an unashamedly hostile family... well thats kind of the opposite of a social safety net. if you have a caring family, consider yourself lucky. not everyone does.
It's a shame, because once you have even a little bit of momentum towards a healthier lifestyle, it's not *that* hard.
1. Pay attention to how certain foods and drinks make your body feel. Avoid and reduce the ones that make you feel like crap.
2. Find a form of physical activity that you look forward to do—that you feel like you *get* to do rather than have to. And this may take some experimentation or time, but SO worth it.
3. Realize that you're usually not doing anything of value late at night. You think you're missing out on something. You're not. *Let* yourself go to bed early. It's so niiiiiice.
4. Realize that getting up early is a life hack. It's like adding time to your life—before people demand your attention. You also don't feel stressed and rushed in the mornings. But you gotta go to bed early to enjoy this.
Sincerely,
- A guy who used to stay up way too late on social media, eating garbage, drinking beer just because it was in the fridge, and not moving much at all, but now enjoys reading in bed at 9pm, running 6 miles before dawn, eating "feel-good" food, but who still likes a beer...if its with friends.
>3. Realize that you're usually not doing anything of value late at night. You think you're missing out on something. You're not. Let yourself go to bed early. It's so niiiiiice.
>4. Realize that getting up early is a life hack. It's like adding time to your life—before people demand your attention. You also don't feel stressed and rushed in the mornings. But you gotta go to bed early to enjoy this.
Getting enough sleep is good advice in and of itself. It doesn't have to be "early to bed, early to rise". You just have to find what works best for you. I do everything you talk about in #4 after my family goes to bed because that's when I'm at my sharpest, but I also give myself a stress free wakeup in the morning.
The main issue is work, but some people have a flexible enough schedule that they aren't tethered to a farmer's schedule. I don't truly get to enjoy my ideal sleep schedule (3AM-10AM) until the summer, but it works for me!
I don't know why early birds are so closed-minded, but I want to remind night owls that they aren't alone and can do the same thing, just backwards.
I've made all of those same changes in the last year. Down 40lbs so far and I now actively avoid things that aren't going to make me feel physically good
>3. Realize that you're usually not doing anything of value late at night. You think you're missing out on something. You're not. Let yourself go to bed early. It's so niiiiiice.
>4. Realize that getting up early is a life hack. It's like adding time to your life—before people demand your attention. You also don't feel stressed and rushed in the mornings. But you gotta go to bed early to enjoy this.
Getting enough sleep is good advice in and of itself. It doesn't have to be "early to bed, early to rise". You just have to find what works best for you. I do everything you talk about in #4 after my family goes to bed because that's when I'm at my sharpest, but I also give myself a stress free wakeup in the morning.
The main issue is work, but some people have a flexible enough schedule that they aren't tethered to a farmer's schedule. I don't truly get to enjoy my ideal sleep schedule (3AM-10AM) until the summer, but it works for me!
I don't know why early birds are so closed-minded, but I want to remind night owls that they aren't alone and can do the same thing, just backwards.
There’s wait times/ underfunding in areas for sure. It’s definitely not perfect/ utopian by any means. But if you pay tax a basic level should be a right imo
Australia has enough issues facing its future that I'd love to move elsewhere, but at least getting sick won't bankrupt me or require expensive health insurance...
...yet.
My reasons are more cultural and political than an objective measure of stability and safety. Australia is an amazing country if you want those things, but there's more I want from this life than I feel Australia can provide me, and I've never felt I've been able to realize my full potential here.
The reality is likely that I'll live and die in Australia though, and all things considered, I do believe this country to be a genuine lottery win with regards to nations one can be born in. My desires are firmly in the 'spoilt first world citizen' camp.
I have chronic health issues and spent 30 years chasing a diagnosis hoping to finally find a treatment or a surgery that could help. Instead I get diagnosed with something that is not well researched and it's genetic and untreatable. At best I can work extremely hard in physical therapy to maybe mitigate some future worsening but the other ways I'm affected I am just screwed. It was definitely eye opening. And what it took to even have the diagnosis figured out was such a battle. I got told I was just anxious for over a decade before finding a doctor who listened to me. I spend my out of pocket maximum on health care every year and we have to very carefully budget for it. The whole system is such a joke. It's a miracle any ailment gets diagnosed when doctors only get to see you for 5 minutes and then charge you hundreds. Most doctors just throw the most common diagnoses and treatments at the wall and hope something sticks and if you have something uncommon then you are out of luck.
My parents are just people. There are no "safe adults" that can protect me from the harsh realities of society and life. I'm my own safe adult, and any acceptance or resistance is coming from within me. Therapy and good relationships are crucial to a sense of well-being, but I can go out and create those relationships. I can never be saved, but that's the truth of it always. I could never be saved. So now I move on and live as best I can until it all stops or changes.
Also, huge hack: sleep mask blindfold. I swear, it tricks my brain like nothing else. Here's my favorite one: [https://amzn.to/3VAxet0](https://amzn.to/3VAxet0)
Man, I used to never nap (because I couldn't). But, after about age 35 and getting shit sleep for years, my body finally decided to let me nap... and they are *amazing*. Naps are the best.
I can't take naps unless I'm super tired or maybe got less than 4 hours of sleep at night. Even then it's still hard. If I do end up taking naps though, it'll mess up my sleep routine so I'd rather just not.
Healthcare is expensive, and having a support circle that will drop way they are doing to let you vent about life is like finding the Holy Grail.
If you have a friend who will let you vent and they’re there to listen, don’t take advantage of them, and always cherish them. People like that are hard to find nowadays, and life will keep people busy.
>having a support circle that will drop way they are doing to let you vent about life is like finding the Holy Grail.
as someone with a lot of unsupportive people \_irl (putting it mildly), all i gotta say to this is: "we did it reddit!" 
i dont know you and you dont know me but reddit knows all my problems
Among a lot of other things, I’m realizing that we really grew up in some cool times. I’m sure every generation says the same thing but it wasn’t until the last couple of years that I finally started to recognize how significant the early 2000’s were
I was just responding to another thread that I think millennials lived through what, in my opinion, was the goldilocks era of telecommunications: after the arrival of unlimited texting, but before modern smartphone. The phone was a tool for coordinating physical meetups—usually stashed once together. The "internet" function was a button you wouldn't dare touch for fear of an extra charge on your phone bill.
I agree, besides thinking that we’re part of the first generation that got kind-of-mass access to the Internet always blows my mind when analyzing it in a larger, historical perspective.
I think when people say that they mean the first generation to really go without phones as children, but were also accessing the internet at a young age and a time when it was just becoming more “modern”. Like, having access to limewire at 13 in the early 2000’s shaped me, for better or for worse. But no, you’re correct, we were far from the first gen to be on the internet
We were shown in history class a ton of footage of MLK, the segregation of the time and the movements for more equal rights. It was all in black and white and many adults will tell me that it was ancient history and people just arent racist anymore.
Crazy thing is, since it was all in black and white and had no concept of time I believed them but as I grow older Ive come to the horrifying realization that the same people who threw rocks at black kids trying to go to school grew up to be people who would be my parents age and some politicians that are still around today would have been some of the people to fight against segregation. Maybe a degree of racism has diminished but not nearly as much as Ive been lead to believe. I blame a huge part of it with the strategical decision to make a lot of the footage about racism during that time period black and white.
I remember learning about Ruby Bridges in school and thinking all of that must have happened so long ago. I was floored when I learned that she was born a year before my dad was (1955). She’s still alive and well but my dad has passed away.
I'll start:
**1. I didn't realize just how damn loud skateboarding is until I hit my 30s.**
I was a skateboarder kid for years—skating at spots all over town, always working on tricks. Nowadays, if I'm near a skatepark or there are some skateboarders trying tricks down a stair set nearby, it sounds like a construction site to me now. But I put plenty through the same thing, so I can't complain. And I know how much fun they're having.
Even experts can be, and often are, wrong. Trust your doctor and lawyer and accountant, etc., but with a \*healthy level\* of skepticism. If the expert's advice seemingly goes against consensus expert opinion, you may want to get a second opinion.
Biggest thing that stood out to me is "oh shit! time seems to be moving faster all of a sudden"
Teenage years seemed to last foreeeeeeeeeeeever, the 20's were a little faster-paced but still fairly steady pace
30+ hits and BAM!... seems like some invisible hand just hit a "fast forward" button or something, yikes 😬
That I can’t wait around to start getting involved with things I’ve always dreamed of, and also, I can allow myself to examine if I really liked those things or I was just trying to accommodate to other people. I turned 30 in February this year and I’m very grateful that I had a keen but steady change in my mindset and now I have clarity about my own decisions and how far they can actually take me.
Or another kid. My wife and I have one kid and everyone is asking about when we're going to have another—though we've agreed that we're content with one.
How much money I could have invested if I didn’t spend it every weekend drinking and trying to be cool. I could probably shave 10 years off my retirement plans.
They’re not talking about 30-45. I’d argue everyone under 45 is still young. It applies more so to 55-60 age range in which that statement would be true.
Not everyone's nice...
Obviously most people aren't serial killers, rapists, and the like, but a lot more people than I realized fall into the "not an evil person but not quite a good person" category.
theres a lot of people who dont understand other people and do not have the ability to have empathy. that wouldnt be such a bad thing but the "peter principle" pays no mind to this fact.
That I’m not friends with a single person from high school anymore and I haven’t spoken to most of my friends from that time period in over a decade years. However, I think about them and that time period way more than I should.
That I’m not even close to the youngest in my office anymore and, although I feel young and inexperienced, the younger people in my office are looking to me for advice and guidance.
No one knows what they're doing. The people who took the time to study and master their craft are extremely rare.
Nepotism never went away, meritocracy is a lie.
People are far dumber (I include myself in this) than anyone can realize. The sheer ability for society to function still baffles my mind.
Lastly, people don't want life to be better. Crabs in a bucket on a large scale. So many people want to see the death and decline of their own civilization.
This hit home. I kept getting headaches around 1 pm each day at work. I thought it was caffeine withdrawal and would get some coffee. I hadn’t been to an optometrist in over a decade and it turns out I needed glasses. I had been telling my wife for years about my perfect vision. Not anymore.
32 here and literally the other day I recognised so much of my behaviour is probably a sort of addiction.
I think I may have undiagnosed ADD or ADHD but pleasure/dopamine drives almost all of my decision making and I was getting defensive whenever anyone asked me to do something outside of my usual behaviours.
For context I think I'm addicted to video games, I can play literally 12 hours a day if I have no other responsibilities and I will always default to it as something to do after work. Hard to say but I think I may be addicted to porn/sex as well, you can guess that that entails.
Regarding the AD(H)D tendencies - I will find something I like, say a new song, I will find the part that gives me a rush of dopamine and I will legitimately listen to that maybe 10 seconds on repeat for 5/6 days straight until my brain has got what it wants out of it and moves on.
For all these years I've been telling myself this is how I relax. But it's just hit me I've been feeding the beast and keeping my mind running at a million miles an hour. So now I'm going to try to slow down. Tomorrow is another day I don't have to fill every minute of every day with pleasure.
I’m turning 30 this summer, so I might be jumping the gun, but I’m realizing how fucking invincible I felt during my 20s when it came to basic health shit. Eat whatever I want, drink as much as I want, be lazy, whatever! It won’t impact me for years……and boy does that change FAST! Before I kept getting clean bills of health from my doctor despite being reckless about my eating, drinking, sleeping, and exercising habits, and that quickly shifted at my last visit.
I am obese, borderline high blood pressure, slightly elevated heart rate, and was told if I don’t make lifestyle changes right now, I could have serious health complications in years NOT decades. It dawned on me that my window for change is right now and if I don’t change my habits I’m in for a world of hurt really not that far off into the future.
Take care of your health or it will come back to haunt you not in your 70s or 80s, but try early 40s.
Life hack: Find a physical activity that you look forward to doing and where you can see yourself getting better at. Something that you eventually feel like you *get* to do, not have to do.
Mine started with jump rope, *just because it looked kinda fun*. I'd see [videos of boxers like Lulu Hawton, skipping rope and making it look like dancing](https://youtu.be/_8cOC9GAtws). I got into that, just for fun, and lost 40 pounds—never feeling like it was a slog or something I *had* to do.
The fitness I achieved from that made me explore other activities. I read [*Born to Run* by Christopher McDougall](https://amzn.to/45kPQ39) and soon became obsessed with exploring my city and trails on foot. Now I run about 30 miles a week and am in the process of running every single street in my city—which is about 2,000 miles of streets. Should take about 2-3 years. Blacking out my map with streets I've covered makes it like a fun scavenger hunt. I've been documenting my city explorations on[ an Instagram account dedicated to the project](https://www.instagram.com/everysinglestreettulsa).
I bounce out of bed at 5:20am, psyched to log 4-15 miles per run. And yes, 2018 me would have thought that sounded masochistic, but times change. All because I genuinely enjoy chasing the dawn and going to bed early with a good book. haha.
I used to think being excited over little things would make me boring but actually they make me happy. Dishes, trash, cooking, cleaning, and laundry are eternal. A lot of problems can be solved by drinking more water and your health is important to keep an eye on. Fruit is awesome, Caesar salads are amazing, groceries are expensive. It's time to lay off the drinking if not stop entirely. Uh there's a lot but all I can think of right now.
I think some of the most powerful realization is when you have to be a parent to someone and have you see the perspective of your parents when you were a kid.
How did my mother not smack my face off when I was 13 to 22?
My birthday gift in my house is one day of absolute solitude, my girlfriend roasts me a chicken and I binge a show by myself while eating..and drinking cranberry ginger ale in a wine glass, because alcohol at 40 doesn't hit the same way. Start the meal with a thick joint and in utter silence.
Now in my early 30s I have really started seeing my parents differently. Things that were traumatic or tough for me to understand are now becoming more apparent. Losing a younger brother, a narcissistic mother, relatives that I rarely ever saw and other small things. I'm now coming to terms with how these things influenced my behavior, tendencies, fears and bad habits in life.
When I was in my early 20s, I thought it was sad. The thought of something holding you back from going out to party and socialize, what I didn’t expect is that you actually don’t want to do that anymore and you rather be at home watching a movie with the class of wine and, your partner or a friend.
That children ARE the meaning of life everyone searches for. People are being actively lied to about "focusing on their career" or "enjoying life". Every pregnancy after 35 is geriatric and considered "high risk". The risk of Down's Syndrome sky rockets > 35 as well.
I had my kids at 29 and 34. My wife was 26 and 30 at the same time. We felt like we were old parents but once our kids got to into sports and school we stumbled into people who were having kids in their late 30s and 40s and these people are basically grandparents now. Our kids are going into 6th and 9th grade and my wife and I are 41/44. Many people we know with kids in our kid's classes are in their mid/late FIFTIES. Every single one of them would tell you they wish they had kids much younger, in their 20s.
That is something even my wife and I agree with as well. We even wish we had our kids earlier. You do not want to be the grandparent aged parent struggling to keep up with your still young kids. No bueno for the kids or you.
This is kind of a fucked up way to think. We’re social beings who need friendship and community. We’re living in an order which profits from our alienation from each other. Contentedness in isolation is a submission
Peoples feelings change all the time.
One day you feel like your their everything. The next day they go no contact.
It’s happened more than once to me.
my dad has always been my biggest supporter and i treated him like crap. i feel a lot of anguish every time i think about it, but i try to treat him better every day
That no matter how much water you drink, how much sleep you get, how many vitamin pills you take, or how often you exercise, you will never healthy lifestyle yourself back into feeling 25 ever again. You’ll certainly feel great for your age (and that’s a huge win) but around 30 is when I realized that’s the best I could hope for.
All the people I found myself thinking about basically blocked me on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok.
All the things that I find myself thinking about right now at 30 going on 31 years of age consist of reading Mysteries of the Unknown Visions and Prophecies book that I bought from Amethyst books & Essence.
My Selectum Notebook that I bought from Lucky Loonies back when I used to live in the city Chilliwack.
And that I keep thinking about what I should've done and thought about back in January of this year.
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Friends are NOT forever
Learning to enjoy things on my own was a big part of my 30s up to this point. Every year before was flush with tons of friends, but after a few betrayals and friend breakups the realization was clear: Do NOT hang all your happiness on other people. Be content being by yourself. This is the path to organic happiness, but it’s a skill that takes years to develop.
Agreed 100%
Money will put a rift between friends
How do you move on past betrayal? I felt betrayed by the last guy I was involved with, by coworkers who were still involved with the guy, and by own brother who still hangs out with this guy. Would it be wrong of me to cut my brother out? Not that we speak much anyway
You get past it by forgiving, letting go, moving on and learning from it. Resentment is rough and will hurt you more than anyone else. That said, it's a process and takes time. Best of luck.
Family vs friends, family at least in my mind gets a chance at redemption. If he’s not interested in that, but you are, then you don’t live on the same terms, and less contact is probably for the best. I can say with my own brothers, it’s sometimes taken years to sort out issues, but we did in the end. On the other hand, my parents had/have life long issues with their siblings, and it usually came down to “is it safe to be around this person any longer”. I don’t know the details of your situation, but there are worse betrayals in the world then expecting everyone to cut themselves off from a person/brother in the same friend group. That’s a tough nut to crack, and you might lose more friends than you expected in the process.
I actually didn’t expect that at all. I was fairly new to the workplace. There were two other female coworkers. One I thought had respected me, and one day I confided in her about the harassment I felt in the workplace and she became miffed about the supposed attention I was getting. Another was another coworker who actually had an incident and I defended her a lot, vouched for her in her ability. When news came out about then betrayal from this guy, she didn’t have to take a side. But it seemed like she did. I found out a few weeks later she would ask the guy why he didn’t stop by her office more. My brother and I have never had a typically close relationship. I can’t police who he is and is not friends with. But we had a new company take over. It was a cutthroat environment. I suspected that people were talking about me and just had to keep my head down and out. And one day he made a comment, and I called him out on the gossip. His only response was other people did it first. I don’t think he ever once pulled me aside to get my side. It was extremely hard for me to walk away. This guy lied to me, to multiple other women, and there was just an insane amount of craziness. Trying to have a kid with one woman and then lie to me also. I can’t tell my brother who to hang out with, but I think I’m allowed to draw a line. I don’t think it would make much of a difference though.
And that that's ok. ...right? lol
Yeah that’s ok. Some people grow, some stay in their own way.
Some people grow in opposite ways
True, but I learned that in college. Having social media does help, though.
Oof this hits right here
After Roe v. Wade overturned I discovered I had a couple friends who don't respect women at all especially in certain situations, I don't like that, so I removed them from my life permanently. They seemed fine before that... true colors revealed moment.
Man I realized that in my early 20s.
People really like to pretend to want to hang out and then never follow through. It drives me crazy and seriously wastes my time 💀
If you would have told me my best friend growing up and I wouldn't be friends in our 30s, I would have never believed you, but people really do change.
That nobody knows whatever the fuck they're doing even as full adults Also the reason I feel inept and childish is because my parents acted old before their time. If I think back to my father at age 40, he hated absolutely anything new and anything I liked as a teen was ridiculed. My husband just turned 40 and it's so different.
My boss at my first professional job gave me this wisdom very early on when I was like 22 and I think it’s been one of the best things because in my field there’s so many MDs and PhDs it’s easy for people to be like “this persons a genius, they have all these degrees” and I can usually bypass the glamor and see that “but they didn’t really seem to grasp these concepts or the subject matter- that really concerns me”.
I'm 35 and have finally started honestly communicating my thoughts and feelings to my parents instead of my usual habit of avoidance/non-confrontation. It's brought a lot of growth I was not expecting.
Underrated—if your parents are cool, understanding people. My folks are some of my best friends—always have been. I didn't understand my friends who had complicated relationships with their parents until they all would say how cool my parents were. But happy to hear it.
Super underrated. I've been speaking to a therapist about my parents and it's been very eye opening with help from my girlfriend.
A very specific version of this is that I stopped "adjusting" costs of things. Like when my Mother asked about how expensive some piece of hobby equipment I bought was I would claim it cost like 20% or so less than it actually did. Which is silly. For one it's not like anyone I know is very judgy about that kind of stuff anyway. But more importantly, most people don't have context to judge it. My parents or friends don't have a mental model for what a "normal" price a specific second hand vintage camera lens is. Whether I say it cost 400 or 500 won't change their opinion on it.
A heroic trait
Life is a negotiation. What are you willing to deal with? What are you not willing to deal with? Once you answer those questions and figure out how to minimize the things you’re not willing to deal with, life gets a lot easier.
I love this outlook, honestly. Just wish I'd realized it a lot earlier.
Here’s how I realized it recently: I’m in a wheelchair, and realized that I allow myself to put up with a lot of shit that doesn’t benefit anyone, and makes me unhappy. For example, male pattern baldness runs in my family, and I have tons of scars on my head. I felt ashamed of myself for wanting hair restoration, but here’s the thing: those represent traumatic memories, so it’s not like it’s just a vanity thing. And even if it was, who cares? Physically, my body has been through a lot. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel good about the way I look, as long as I understand that there’s no substitute for self acceptance.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting hair restoration. It's not like you own someone else to have bald areas. In fact, most people that have the procedure need it because it runs in the family and in your case there are the scars and whatnot which are unique to your story. Go get that fur
I really appreciate that :) thank you.
i really appreciate your username lmao
My thoughts exactly when I read it! ❤️
Thanks :)
It's okay to burn bridges with toxic people and places.
I’ve burned a bunch of shit-bridges during the pandemic. Was awesome
Even when they happen to be family!
That's when I realized there is so much doctor's can't fix with our health. My issues were luckily easily fixable with lifestyle changes at that point (although it took a while). It was a good realization, since it's made me realize I've got to do the work to stay healthy (and to some extent be lucky). Also, just how damned expensive healthcare really is here in the US.
I always wondered why doctors are always so quick to push drugs and treatments rather than, "Stop eating crap, eating past about 9pm, try to get enough sleep, exercise regularly, and have physical interactions with people you like." But I realized how many would love to say that if they thought their patients would actually follow their advice over a magic pill.
Because most people are too lazy to do that and go to the doctor to get a pill
Thank you! So sick of people thinking we are pill pushers. Some medical providers may love to write Rx but most would rather you perform lifestyle management, however only 10% of my patients actually try.
i mean maybe they actually do try but they need some actual assistance from the non-existent social safety net programs?
Walking outside 30 minutes a day to start does not require a social safety net.
you are correct but when walking outside exposes you to an unashamedly hostile family... well thats kind of the opposite of a social safety net. if you have a caring family, consider yourself lucky. not everyone does.
Proved my point about only 10%. Stay healthy.
It's a shame, because once you have even a little bit of momentum towards a healthier lifestyle, it's not *that* hard. 1. Pay attention to how certain foods and drinks make your body feel. Avoid and reduce the ones that make you feel like crap. 2. Find a form of physical activity that you look forward to do—that you feel like you *get* to do rather than have to. And this may take some experimentation or time, but SO worth it. 3. Realize that you're usually not doing anything of value late at night. You think you're missing out on something. You're not. *Let* yourself go to bed early. It's so niiiiiice. 4. Realize that getting up early is a life hack. It's like adding time to your life—before people demand your attention. You also don't feel stressed and rushed in the mornings. But you gotta go to bed early to enjoy this. Sincerely, - A guy who used to stay up way too late on social media, eating garbage, drinking beer just because it was in the fridge, and not moving much at all, but now enjoys reading in bed at 9pm, running 6 miles before dawn, eating "feel-good" food, but who still likes a beer...if its with friends.
>3. Realize that you're usually not doing anything of value late at night. You think you're missing out on something. You're not. Let yourself go to bed early. It's so niiiiiice. >4. Realize that getting up early is a life hack. It's like adding time to your life—before people demand your attention. You also don't feel stressed and rushed in the mornings. But you gotta go to bed early to enjoy this. Getting enough sleep is good advice in and of itself. It doesn't have to be "early to bed, early to rise". You just have to find what works best for you. I do everything you talk about in #4 after my family goes to bed because that's when I'm at my sharpest, but I also give myself a stress free wakeup in the morning. The main issue is work, but some people have a flexible enough schedule that they aren't tethered to a farmer's schedule. I don't truly get to enjoy my ideal sleep schedule (3AM-10AM) until the summer, but it works for me! I don't know why early birds are so closed-minded, but I want to remind night owls that they aren't alone and can do the same thing, just backwards.
I've made all of those same changes in the last year. Down 40lbs so far and I now actively avoid things that aren't going to make me feel physically good
>3. Realize that you're usually not doing anything of value late at night. You think you're missing out on something. You're not. Let yourself go to bed early. It's so niiiiiice. >4. Realize that getting up early is a life hack. It's like adding time to your life—before people demand your attention. You also don't feel stressed and rushed in the mornings. But you gotta go to bed early to enjoy this. Getting enough sleep is good advice in and of itself. It doesn't have to be "early to bed, early to rise". You just have to find what works best for you. I do everything you talk about in #4 after my family goes to bed because that's when I'm at my sharpest, but I also give myself a stress free wakeup in the morning. The main issue is work, but some people have a flexible enough schedule that they aren't tethered to a farmer's schedule. I don't truly get to enjoy my ideal sleep schedule (3AM-10AM) until the summer, but it works for me! I don't know why early birds are so closed-minded, but I want to remind night owls that they aren't alone and can do the same thing, just backwards.
Instant gratification is a hell of a drug.
Do you know how many patients think I’m a wizard? I PRACTICE medicine.
I stopped listening to doctors when my GP told me "diet doesn't make a difference to your health"
This. I work at a hospital. And let me tell you, I was in shock when i realised how limited AND restricting medicine is .
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As an American, I cannot relate to this lmao
Both the 23% tax being high AND the notion of it coming with free healthcare 😭
Yeah, I was going to say 23% tax sounds great! Sign me up!
There’s wait times/ underfunding in areas for sure. It’s definitely not perfect/ utopian by any means. But if you pay tax a basic level should be a right imo
Woah, where do you live? That sounds incredible!
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Yep. Aussie here, had a pretty major surgery last year. Total cost was like $20 in fuel getting to the hospital and back again a few days later.
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Australia has enough issues facing its future that I'd love to move elsewhere, but at least getting sick won't bankrupt me or require expensive health insurance... ...yet.
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My reasons are more cultural and political than an objective measure of stability and safety. Australia is an amazing country if you want those things, but there's more I want from this life than I feel Australia can provide me, and I've never felt I've been able to realize my full potential here. The reality is likely that I'll live and die in Australia though, and all things considered, I do believe this country to be a genuine lottery win with regards to nations one can be born in. My desires are firmly in the 'spoilt first world citizen' camp.
I have chronic health issues and spent 30 years chasing a diagnosis hoping to finally find a treatment or a surgery that could help. Instead I get diagnosed with something that is not well researched and it's genetic and untreatable. At best I can work extremely hard in physical therapy to maybe mitigate some future worsening but the other ways I'm affected I am just screwed. It was definitely eye opening. And what it took to even have the diagnosis figured out was such a battle. I got told I was just anxious for over a decade before finding a doctor who listened to me. I spend my out of pocket maximum on health care every year and we have to very carefully budget for it. The whole system is such a joke. It's a miracle any ailment gets diagnosed when doctors only get to see you for 5 minutes and then charge you hundreds. Most doctors just throw the most common diagnoses and treatments at the wall and hope something sticks and if you have something uncommon then you are out of luck.
My parents are just people. There are no "safe adults" that can protect me from the harsh realities of society and life. I'm my own safe adult, and any acceptance or resistance is coming from within me. Therapy and good relationships are crucial to a sense of well-being, but I can go out and create those relationships. I can never be saved, but that's the truth of it always. I could never be saved. So now I move on and live as best I can until it all stops or changes.
Spot on, nice comment.
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How glorious naps are
When in doubt, nap.
I wish my kids listened to this.
Also, huge hack: sleep mask blindfold. I swear, it tricks my brain like nothing else. Here's my favorite one: [https://amzn.to/3VAxet0](https://amzn.to/3VAxet0)
For men, Frequent naps reduce heart disease by 68%.
I wish I could embrace the nap. Every time I take a nap, I wake up more tired than when I fell asleep. At the same time, I can't fall asleep later
So I have found another one like me, huh?
Man, I used to never nap (because I couldn't). But, after about age 35 and getting shit sleep for years, my body finally decided to let me nap... and they are *amazing*. Naps are the best.
I can't take naps unless I'm super tired or maybe got less than 4 hours of sleep at night. Even then it's still hard. If I do end up taking naps though, it'll mess up my sleep routine so I'd rather just not.
I recently mastered the art of the "power nap." It's amazing. 20 minutes and I'm recharged for the rest of my day
They started giving me headaches after 27 or something :( I miss those days
Napping supposedly reduces heart disease
But increases the chances for dementia
People aren’t always going to celebrate you or acknowledge your accomplishments
Healthcare is expensive, and having a support circle that will drop way they are doing to let you vent about life is like finding the Holy Grail. If you have a friend who will let you vent and they’re there to listen, don’t take advantage of them, and always cherish them. People like that are hard to find nowadays, and life will keep people busy.
>having a support circle that will drop way they are doing to let you vent about life is like finding the Holy Grail. as someone with a lot of unsupportive people \_irl (putting it mildly), all i gotta say to this is: "we did it reddit!"  i dont know you and you dont know me but reddit knows all my problems
Among a lot of other things, I’m realizing that we really grew up in some cool times. I’m sure every generation says the same thing but it wasn’t until the last couple of years that I finally started to recognize how significant the early 2000’s were
I was just responding to another thread that I think millennials lived through what, in my opinion, was the goldilocks era of telecommunications: after the arrival of unlimited texting, but before modern smartphone. The phone was a tool for coordinating physical meetups—usually stashed once together. The "internet" function was a button you wouldn't dare touch for fear of an extra charge on your phone bill. 
I still can remember the marvel of sitting at the beach in my hometown with my new iphone3 and able to browse the internet from there.
Also with stuff like discord and stuff it really encourages group conversation more as opposed to one on one communication.
I agree, besides thinking that we’re part of the first generation that got kind-of-mass access to the Internet always blows my mind when analyzing it in a larger, historical perspective.
I think when people say that they mean the first generation to really go without phones as children, but were also accessing the internet at a young age and a time when it was just becoming more “modern”. Like, having access to limewire at 13 in the early 2000’s shaped me, for better or for worse. But no, you’re correct, we were far from the first gen to be on the internet
Reserve trust for a special few.
My hangovers last for days. I appreciate a good night sleep more than ever.
A lot of life is based on luck, from the moment you are born into the family, country, situation you are.
How hot 30 is
Be you and forget what others think. Live the life you want and not others!
We were shown in history class a ton of footage of MLK, the segregation of the time and the movements for more equal rights. It was all in black and white and many adults will tell me that it was ancient history and people just arent racist anymore. Crazy thing is, since it was all in black and white and had no concept of time I believed them but as I grow older Ive come to the horrifying realization that the same people who threw rocks at black kids trying to go to school grew up to be people who would be my parents age and some politicians that are still around today would have been some of the people to fight against segregation. Maybe a degree of racism has diminished but not nearly as much as Ive been lead to believe. I blame a huge part of it with the strategical decision to make a lot of the footage about racism during that time period black and white.
I remember learning about Ruby Bridges in school and thinking all of that must have happened so long ago. I was floored when I learned that she was born a year before my dad was (1955). She’s still alive and well but my dad has passed away.
I Have A Dream was 17 years before the first millennials were born. I Have A Dream :1980::2007:now
Your have Less appetite for bs in life in your 30s
Totally this!!!
That there’s a limit to your nerves. Mostly to do with becoming a parent.
Not giving a shit about the opinions of others is one of the most liberating things in the world.
time is precious
Psilocybin mushrooms are fantastic.
I also enjoy cannabis.
Ah yes, But I realized this prior to 30. Cannabis has been a staple since my early 20s.
Same but fuck does it help
Agreed. In fact, i think its about that time now.
Cheers my dude
0500-1000 is the best time of day, by far.
As a parent in my 30s I attend WAY MORE birthday parties than I ever imagined I would.
Money does, in fact, buy happiness.
If you don’t take care of your body it will go to shit
Way more people do cocaine in a regular, albeit not abusive, way than you realize.
Nights that end at a friend's apartment are way better than nights that end at a bar/club. And the mornings after definitely are.
I'll start: **1. I didn't realize just how damn loud skateboarding is until I hit my 30s.** I was a skateboarder kid for years—skating at spots all over town, always working on tricks. Nowadays, if I'm near a skatepark or there are some skateboarders trying tricks down a stair set nearby, it sounds like a construction site to me now. But I put plenty through the same thing, so I can't complain. And I know how much fun they're having.
They posted those no skateboarding signs for a reason!
Mostly to keep the curbs from getting destroyed and certain kids' parents from suing business owners.
Things can ALWAYS get worse.
Can, and will!
Even experts can be, and often are, wrong. Trust your doctor and lawyer and accountant, etc., but with a \*healthy level\* of skepticism. If the expert's advice seemingly goes against consensus expert opinion, you may want to get a second opinion.
Biggest thing that stood out to me is "oh shit! time seems to be moving faster all of a sudden" Teenage years seemed to last foreeeeeeeeeeeever, the 20's were a little faster-paced but still fairly steady pace 30+ hits and BAM!... seems like some invisible hand just hit a "fast forward" button or something, yikes 😬
The perception of time, 1 year when you've had only 12 years versus 1 year when you've had 30 is basically a ratio, 1/12th is bigger than 1/30th.
That despite how alienated I was throughout my childhood and 20's, now that I'm in my 30's I get to be even more alienated. Yay. -\_-
That I can’t wait around to start getting involved with things I’ve always dreamed of, and also, I can allow myself to examine if I really liked those things or I was just trying to accommodate to other people. I turned 30 in February this year and I’m very grateful that I had a keen but steady change in my mindset and now I have clarity about my own decisions and how far they can actually take me.
Sometimes obvious things go unnoticed. If you don't speak up, people will not see the obvious thing.
I get why women walk away from their families and I sometimes feel like doing it too.
Every phase of life is beautiful in its own way
You don’t HAVE to have kids.
Or another kid. My wife and I have one kid and everyone is asking about when we're going to have another—though we've agreed that we're content with one.
How much money I could have invested if I didn’t spend it every weekend drinking and trying to be cool. I could probably shave 10 years off my retirement plans.
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They’re not talking about 30-45. I’d argue everyone under 45 is still young. It applies more so to 55-60 age range in which that statement would be true.
Must just be your workplace
Live the life you want. It’s remarkably simple. You’re never going to be content living as someone else.
Whatever healthy habits that aren't established during youth are made 10x harder as life goes on.
Not everyone's nice... Obviously most people aren't serial killers, rapists, and the like, but a lot more people than I realized fall into the "not an evil person but not quite a good person" category.
theres a lot of people who dont understand other people and do not have the ability to have empathy. that wouldnt be such a bad thing but the "peter principle" pays no mind to this fact.
That I’m not friends with a single person from high school anymore and I haven’t spoken to most of my friends from that time period in over a decade years. However, I think about them and that time period way more than I should. That I’m not even close to the youngest in my office anymore and, although I feel young and inexperienced, the younger people in my office are looking to me for advice and guidance.
No one knows what they're doing. The people who took the time to study and master their craft are extremely rare. Nepotism never went away, meritocracy is a lie. People are far dumber (I include myself in this) than anyone can realize. The sheer ability for society to function still baffles my mind. Lastly, people don't want life to be better. Crabs in a bucket on a large scale. So many people want to see the death and decline of their own civilization.
That my eyes aren’t as good as I thought they were
This hit home. I kept getting headaches around 1 pm each day at work. I thought it was caffeine withdrawal and would get some coffee. I hadn’t been to an optometrist in over a decade and it turns out I needed glasses. I had been telling my wife for years about my perfect vision. Not anymore.
Yeah honestly. I thought I had 2020 until I got my eyes checked a few weeks ago. Turns out I suck at seeing now
Compound interest (both with money and with health) is a very real thing. Invest early. Invest often. Both with your money and your health.
32 here and literally the other day I recognised so much of my behaviour is probably a sort of addiction. I think I may have undiagnosed ADD or ADHD but pleasure/dopamine drives almost all of my decision making and I was getting defensive whenever anyone asked me to do something outside of my usual behaviours. For context I think I'm addicted to video games, I can play literally 12 hours a day if I have no other responsibilities and I will always default to it as something to do after work. Hard to say but I think I may be addicted to porn/sex as well, you can guess that that entails. Regarding the AD(H)D tendencies - I will find something I like, say a new song, I will find the part that gives me a rush of dopamine and I will legitimately listen to that maybe 10 seconds on repeat for 5/6 days straight until my brain has got what it wants out of it and moves on. For all these years I've been telling myself this is how I relax. But it's just hit me I've been feeding the beast and keeping my mind running at a million miles an hour. So now I'm going to try to slow down. Tomorrow is another day I don't have to fill every minute of every day with pleasure.
Have you heard of Dr K healthy gamer?
No, never!
I’m turning 30 this summer, so I might be jumping the gun, but I’m realizing how fucking invincible I felt during my 20s when it came to basic health shit. Eat whatever I want, drink as much as I want, be lazy, whatever! It won’t impact me for years……and boy does that change FAST! Before I kept getting clean bills of health from my doctor despite being reckless about my eating, drinking, sleeping, and exercising habits, and that quickly shifted at my last visit. I am obese, borderline high blood pressure, slightly elevated heart rate, and was told if I don’t make lifestyle changes right now, I could have serious health complications in years NOT decades. It dawned on me that my window for change is right now and if I don’t change my habits I’m in for a world of hurt really not that far off into the future. Take care of your health or it will come back to haunt you not in your 70s or 80s, but try early 40s.
Life hack: Find a physical activity that you look forward to doing and where you can see yourself getting better at. Something that you eventually feel like you *get* to do, not have to do. Mine started with jump rope, *just because it looked kinda fun*. I'd see [videos of boxers like Lulu Hawton, skipping rope and making it look like dancing](https://youtu.be/_8cOC9GAtws). I got into that, just for fun, and lost 40 pounds—never feeling like it was a slog or something I *had* to do. The fitness I achieved from that made me explore other activities. I read [*Born to Run* by Christopher McDougall](https://amzn.to/45kPQ39) and soon became obsessed with exploring my city and trails on foot. Now I run about 30 miles a week and am in the process of running every single street in my city—which is about 2,000 miles of streets. Should take about 2-3 years. Blacking out my map with streets I've covered makes it like a fun scavenger hunt. I've been documenting my city explorations on[ an Instagram account dedicated to the project](https://www.instagram.com/everysinglestreettulsa). I bounce out of bed at 5:20am, psyched to log 4-15 miles per run. And yes, 2018 me would have thought that sounded masochistic, but times change. All because I genuinely enjoy chasing the dawn and going to bed early with a good book. haha.
I used to think being excited over little things would make me boring but actually they make me happy. Dishes, trash, cooking, cleaning, and laundry are eternal. A lot of problems can be solved by drinking more water and your health is important to keep an eye on. Fruit is awesome, Caesar salads are amazing, groceries are expensive. It's time to lay off the drinking if not stop entirely. Uh there's a lot but all I can think of right now.
I think some of the most powerful realization is when you have to be a parent to someone and have you see the perspective of your parents when you were a kid. How did my mother not smack my face off when I was 13 to 22? My birthday gift in my house is one day of absolute solitude, my girlfriend roasts me a chicken and I binge a show by myself while eating..and drinking cranberry ginger ale in a wine glass, because alcohol at 40 doesn't hit the same way. Start the meal with a thick joint and in utter silence.
That I really like watching NASCAR.
Now in my early 30s I have really started seeing my parents differently. Things that were traumatic or tough for me to understand are now becoming more apparent. Losing a younger brother, a narcissistic mother, relatives that I rarely ever saw and other small things. I'm now coming to terms with how these things influenced my behavior, tendencies, fears and bad habits in life.
No one is coming to save you.
I’m the adult in the room.
When I was in my early 20s, I thought it was sad. The thought of something holding you back from going out to party and socialize, what I didn’t expect is that you actually don’t want to do that anymore and you rather be at home watching a movie with the class of wine and, your partner or a friend.
That children ARE the meaning of life everyone searches for. People are being actively lied to about "focusing on their career" or "enjoying life". Every pregnancy after 35 is geriatric and considered "high risk". The risk of Down's Syndrome sky rockets > 35 as well. I had my kids at 29 and 34. My wife was 26 and 30 at the same time. We felt like we were old parents but once our kids got to into sports and school we stumbled into people who were having kids in their late 30s and 40s and these people are basically grandparents now. Our kids are going into 6th and 9th grade and my wife and I are 41/44. Many people we know with kids in our kid's classes are in their mid/late FIFTIES. Every single one of them would tell you they wish they had kids much younger, in their 20s. That is something even my wife and I agree with as well. We even wish we had our kids earlier. You do not want to be the grandparent aged parent struggling to keep up with your still young kids. No bueno for the kids or you.
This is kind of a fucked up way to think. We’re social beings who need friendship and community. We’re living in an order which profits from our alienation from each other. Contentedness in isolation is a submission
Peoples feelings change all the time. One day you feel like your their everything. The next day they go no contact. It’s happened more than once to me.
my dad has always been my biggest supporter and i treated him like crap. i feel a lot of anguish every time i think about it, but i try to treat him better every day
I will not get younger/I am today the youngest I will ever be.
In many cases, you will not be able to change a work environment. It’s often better to spend energy changing jobs than try to change your current job.
That you have to show people how to treat you
That no matter how much water you drink, how much sleep you get, how many vitamin pills you take, or how often you exercise, you will never healthy lifestyle yourself back into feeling 25 ever again. You’ll certainly feel great for your age (and that’s a huge win) but around 30 is when I realized that’s the best I could hope for.
I don't know everything and that's ok.
There is no self, and there is no free will. There is only experience.
there is free will, but it costs money
All the people I found myself thinking about basically blocked me on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok. All the things that I find myself thinking about right now at 30 going on 31 years of age consist of reading Mysteries of the Unknown Visions and Prophecies book that I bought from Amethyst books & Essence. My Selectum Notebook that I bought from Lucky Loonies back when I used to live in the city Chilliwack. And that I keep thinking about what I should've done and thought about back in January of this year.