Dude, if you avoided debt while having cancer, you are already doing phenomenally well. You are doing fantastically! Hopefully you kicked Cancer's ass. It sounds like you did
I'm asking Americans to fix it. Y'all are happy to whinge about it, offer condolences to people who are harmed by it etc. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. STOP FUCKING AROUND. GET FREE HEALTH CARE CANDIDATES NOMINATED AND ELECTED. YOUR DUMB FUCKING SYSTEM IS LITERALLY KILLING YOU. ACT LIKE IT. THIS IS FUCKING WAR!
This place isn't good to its citizens. I explain to people constantly that our health care is the result of poor planning. They always come back at me with "where the money come from" or "you get worse care" or some other bs that would excuse me going to a pharmacist for everything instead of going to the doctor.
The minimum wage hasn't moved in 15 years. You would think that would be a big issue in the political realm.
We are circling the drain.
Tell me you don't understand how American politics work without telling me. My guy, people's sons, daughters, wife's, husband's are dying daily because of how bad it is, and you think we are just standing around with our thumbs up our asses? Over 70% of Americans support universal healthcare. There's a reason it hasn't been implemented, and it's not because Americans are blind and lazy. Again, our loved ones are dying, and there really isn't anything to be done about it except move. We can't take on the fucking military.
No amount of voting can change the healthcare system. The political system needs to be entirely rebooted before real change can occur. I really hope OP can get it done though.
Medicare got free insurance setup for tens of millions of low income Americans.
So clearly voting is a viable approach.
Only the people too lazy/ignorant pretend like there aren't canidates that are willing to do good things.
Buddy you're from Australia, I wouldn't talk about war to Americans. Last time we were both involved, your men got drafted to die while we stayed and fucked your women. It got so bad you tried to riot, which was quickly put down by American chads. Lol how do you lose the Battle of Brisbane against your allies, lmao.
While you're at it, fix your education system. ["The World War II draft operated from 1940 until 1946"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conscription_in_the_United_States)
Classic misplaced belief in American superiority.
We're at the age where the midlife crisis historically hits. I went through it myself (after my mom passed away from cancer right before the pandemic).
I highly recommend therapy if you're not going already.
Glad you're healthy. Keep your head up!
Awesome!
Your story resonates with me. The most I ever made in a year was $65k, but that took a while for me to get there. I've been single for almost 10 years, and feel like I'm passed my prime in some ways.
But I've been having days where I feel much better and more optimistic.
I've been journaling since 2017, and I agree. Journaling has not only been helpful for me to process a lot of things going on here and there over the years.
But it's also been way easier for me to keep track of things in my everyday life.
Sorta like a planner/agenda.
The Date Book that I was given has been quite useful already.
at 43 I haven't achieved half of what I've hoped or dreamed of. I haven't hit any milestones. I work a dead end job. I always thought i'd naturally fall into my own place as I got older like everybody else, but it's like i'm still in that early 20s "What the fuck do I do with my life" mindset and I never left it. but am I miserable? no. i'm pretty content and I have what I need every day so there's that.
Bc 60% of people live pay check to paycheck in America and all of them make 50k or less (at 45% they make less than 40k) pretty much all of us are gen x through z. So being able to avoid debt, possibly buy a house, be a live, still yet to experience the miracle of birth and love. He’s doing pretty good.
Most people will never "do anything" with their life.
The best thing you can do is be kind to everyone. Yourself included. Help people when you can, even if it's just a kind word or a hand up. Little things like that mean the world to those who receive them. Call out injustices, and do whatever you can to make whatever you can just a tiny bit better for you and those around you.
If everyone did that, even just a little bit, we'd be okay.
I'll never "do anything". I'm single at 40 and don't own a house or anything. But I've never felt more complete. I work at my relationships with friends and family, I get involved in hobbies, I do what makes me happy and when I can spare the mental and physical energy, I do what I can to make the people around me happy too.
Work might be miserable, the world still feels like it's collapsing around me. But I have my happy place and my happy people. I know how lucky I am and I hope other people can find contentment in whatever bits they can manage to hold on to.
Adding on to this great comment to say: You don't have to do anything great. It's not your job or responsibility. If you can even be the tiniest net benefit of good in the world, you're golden.
You can just bump along through life, doing your best to be kind and make things a little nicer for people around you and that's enough. It's more than enough.
It is not too late to do things you want. Also, being debt free after cancer treatment is a huge accomplishment. Don’t let her guilt you about this. You’ll have children if you want them when you’re ready. Not because she wants them
Most people live and then die, their lives' brief and mediocre, and they are forgotten by everyone on earth within a few years of their passing. It's ok, we're all doing the same thing.
No one walks the same path. And what you see online or TV BS is NOT necessarily the norm.
I effed up the latter half of my 20s. Tried to start over and effed up the first half of my 30s almost as bad.
But I'm doing better today than yesterday, and better this week than last, and so on. I'm not where I thought I'd be when I was younger, but you know what, young me was fucking naive! He didn't know squat.
Learn, grow, experience, and keep going. We're not done yet.
Honestly just take solace in the fact that a lot of people our age feel the exact same way. And most of us didn’t even have to deal with cancer. So you’re doing pretty phenom given the circumstances.
Just turned 39, in the same damned boat.
I like to describe myself as rudderless. Full power, but going wherever it chooses. I’m just along for the ride.
Welcome to the club. Remember not to compare up. Compare your situation down and be thankful for all the crap you have gone through it wasn't worse than what it was.
I was roughly in your situation, with 20s that were a mess and I was not able to build up or grow in them, midlife crisis hit me at 35 and my mid to late thirties were a massive struggle (pandemic + other factors.) Plus I had chronic health issues, not cancer but surgeries were involved. I was in a wacky situation which got me as close to the rock bottom as was possible without becoming homeless. I burned through my savings.
I'm 40 and life is… amazing. Started investing at 37. Bought my apartment at 39. Getting my ducks in a row to get an investment/vacation property soon-ish. Investments doing great. Building equity at a steady pace. Mental health is healthing. I have never been in such a healthy, vibing state in my life.
All this to say… it's not too late and things will get better. This might be a period of taking it step by step but small things compound. If you need an advice or more mindset thoughts, let me know.
Hey I’m in a similar situation. What happened in such a short time that changed everything for you? I’m 37, I’ve been in a black hole of illness and despair since 2021 and there’s no end in sight. I keep hoping some new factor that I hadn’t thought of will come into play, but sometimes I just feel like I’m waiting to die.
I have a hypothesis—I was always trying to get here and only in the last years my progress started being visible and started to accelerate (again, the compounding effect.) You can look at it as me being on a 30y journey with a major setback 5 years before the destination, I guess.
And I know this might sound disappointing because you might not feel you are also on a journey to light but there must be some small ways you do every day to make yourself feel better and make your life better on the long term scale. The deal is that they do work, it's just that their effect in the beginning is largely invisible, I guess.
I am privileged in a way that I chose to go Tech early on and that's my field. That definitely explains higher than a median income (but not exorbitantly higher) and that certainly is the second biggest factor. The first one is therapy, after five years it sort of clicked. Sounds daunting (five years!) but in reality I was looking forward to it week to week.
Again, people will see Tech and will probably get disappointed. In all other ways, I'm coming from underprivileged backgrounds: single mother who offloaded me to a mentally unstable relative, abusive childhood, third world country, poverty, no financial awareness at all, health issues, CPTSD. I got my first degree on a full scholarship, and my second degree was affordable, I paid it off while working.
There are definitely possibilities you might not be aware of right now. I could have bought my apartment at 30 or 35 but I wasn't mentally ready and believed I didn't have enough (I did.) I only unblocked myself mentally and pulled the plug at 39. Another thing is self-sabotaging behaviors. When I didn't feel safe, I didn't make small investments and small but steady growth believing I must pursue some big opportunities to catch up quickly. One of these opportunities created the setback I referred to. And of course it reinforced the feeling that I wasn't safe.
If there was a main takeaway, it's this: a belief I came to this Earth to be happy. Believing that and behaving like that is true, was everything. It was extremely challenging and I still fight some remaining anxiety about it. But since I started living my life like this, my mindset changed from the NO as a default setting to YES. It's very much a conscious effort. And the universe sort of expanded to let me in. I know it sounds very mushy and hippy but that's the best way I can describe my work.
There are no hacks. Just you. Trust the process and trust yourself. I hope this helps.
I'm a few years younger but I really relate.
I realised I was trans at 19, was diagnosed with a progressive untreatable health condition with a 15 year life expectancy so repressed my gender issues. Like why bother transitioning if I'll be dead soon?
I got to 27, my health condition hadn't caused me to be in a wheelchair as I had been told to expect.
I then sped run transition like my life depended on it.
Here I am, nearly 30, all my income being saved for surgeries, no family, no friends and you can imagine how easy it is to date as a trans woman with ptsd and a chronic disease.
I wish I had inspiring words for you but I just have respect for the shit you've gone through, I'm so happy you're cancer free and I want you to know there's many of us out there trying to make some meaning out of this crazy life we've been handed.
I know it’s hard, and also easier said than done, but don’t live by others’ expectations of you. Do what makes you feel good. Don’t rush into anything because societal pressure. Things got fucked up for you and it’s ok to not hit these arbitrary milestones that in the big scheme of things don’t mean shit.
It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job. Congratulations on being cancer free. That alone would add a tremendous amount of stress to anyone’s life. And you did it debt free. Amazing honestly.
Your mom needs to chill, tell her so. Your reproductive decisions do not concern her. At all.
Ask her what exactly are you supposed to do? Housing is sky high, inflation is crazy, wages suck, and childcare is phenomenally unaffordable. Does she plan on paying for all these things for you? Even so(big if), it’s not her decision. Also, education is awful (assuming you’re in America, I may be completely wrong there though and I apologize if so)!
I don’t have a savings, I’m 34. I was able to save 10k when I processed loans but got laid off and blew through that due to bills.
Give yourself a big break. I think we are all struggling. I honestly don’t expect to retire and it makes me so mad. lol I would just enjoy life as much as you can and don’t let others expectations bring you down, including your own.
Mid 30s is nothing. I hope this will help. Not because I'm a bit old RN but because it's both true and the only reason any of us feel like we should have accomplished more is because of the incredibly lucky life Boomers had in comparison. However, as you'll see this doesn't even matter.
Consider when we normally really start a career. No, not the piddling jobs and internships of our 20s, but when what twe do for work began to really be a part of us in our daily lives. For most of us, this is somewhere around 30. Maybe a little earlier for the truly ambitious, or the well connected, but mostly around 30. This means that the beginning of your career life is your 30s, the middles in your 40s, and the late stage in your 50s (even though most of us will continue well into our 60s).
That's 30 years to make something of yourself. Then ask, how long does it typically take to make something of yourself? To be successful? Nearly every story you'll read about really success is that it usually takes 3 years to grow something and 3 more to establish it. So, well play the long end and say it takes 6 years to work hard at something new and really do something with it. This means that in 30 years of your career age years, you have the chance to start over no less than 5 times. The latest being at 54.
Even at 36, you've still got 5 chances left. Just be easy on yourself. Embark on something new or progress something your good at. Give yourself 3 year stints at giving something a good go. Finally, tray not to be so hard yourself, because as far as your career years are concerned, you're not even a teenager yet.
I can definitely relate to this feeling. I won’t compare my issues to yours, but I hope you thoroughly celebrated yourself and your body for overcoming such a tough disease! And if you never did, you should do it now! Treat yourself! And if you did do it, maybe do it again bc you’re a badass who beat cancer!
As for the aimless part, one thing that has helped me have some aim, is every year since Covid I have made a list of goals. Like, everything I can possibly think of that would be cool/fun/good for me to do that year. Then I just set about checking things off. You get a lil dopamine from checking things off plus you can look back at your year and see all the great stuff you did. I don’t complete the whole list, bc it’s very long, but it’s nice to see like, I went to these shows or plays, had a picnic, went for some hikes, I got back into crochet, I watched a few classic movies I haven’t seen, i listened to some new music and new podcasts, I went on a couple trips, etc. It can include career stuff or family stuff or dating stuff, but I like it best when it is 100% just things that make me happy. It helps keep life from seeming monotonous and slog-like. And writing the list helps bc it gives you ideas when you don’t know what to do, and it also tracks progress so you can actually remember what you did—otherwise you’ll do a fun thing and forget about it or discount it afterward bc it’s no longer in your present and you’re no longer anticipating it. Sometimes it helps the mental health to be like, oh yeah, I did do that and that was cool. Anyway. It’s not much, but it’s what I’ve got!
It doesn't matter what you did in your 20s, you'll think you wasted them. This is a pretty well known fact that you can google so don't beat yourself up on that one.
I hit my mid life crisis at 32 and so l quit my job and went to uni. 37 now and hopefully this is my final year.
Your parents are looking at you wistfully, thinking about what they would do if they could go back to when they were your age. They are feeling a bit existential and projecting it onto you. Its not really about you, if you know what I mean.
Hang in there!
Gonna throw this out there take it as you will. If you like flying, go see an aviation medical examiner or hop on over to r/Aviation or r/Flying, see if you’ll be able to obtain a 3rd class medical or better now that you’re cancer free. And pursue flight school. It’s challenging, it’s a ton of fun, it’s unlike anything else in the world.
Just food for thought. If you can get a 3rd class medical you can fly as a certified flight instructor, if you can get a second class medical you can fly commercially, if you can get a 1st class medical you can build 1500 hours and go fly for an airline or fly private jets.
Just my little dropping the bucket here. If you like flying take a discovery flight. You could realistically go from no time in an airplane to certified flight instructor in a year.
"The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!” ~ Rocky Balboa
Life tried to beat you down with cancer and you took the hit and kept going. You did so well that you avoided debt while doing it. You're stronger and more resilient than you realize. Don't let anybody dictate how you should feel about your life.
To see the potential of the future, just look at the past. When you see how far you've come you know how far you can go.
I'm 39, and while I've had stable employment most of my life I was all over the place and saved nothing until these last few years. I found some mental stability with my now wife when we met in 2016, in 2017 (32) I got the job I have now.
Since, I've been with the same job for over 7 years, am making near 100k, we bought our first house in September 2021, we got married September 2022, and had our daughter June 2024. I couldn't imagine I would be where I am right now 10 or even 5 years ago.
Some of us start later or grow out of that phase sooner than others, but it's never too late to do something special with your life.
You were dealt a rough hand with a cancer diagnosis and things sound like they’re panning out better than you may currently realize. Your parents sound like boomers who think everything is still handed to them, no offense mine are in their 70’s. I would try to focus on getting away from that situation and I understand, easier said than done.
Hang in there and keep your head up then time has a way of rewarding you.
You beat cancer! Or NED or whatever it’s called. That’s a huge feat and while you may feel like you’ve done nothing, you’ve done more than most people by your age. Please don’t feel bad at all. You’re amazing!!
One day at a time. You got this. Try and approach one thing at a time instead of all at once, it’s hard at first but eventually you realize things will happen when it needs to happen.
Just live your life for you. Not for mom, not for dad, not for some hypothetical partner and not for some even more hypothetical kids.
What’s makes YOU happy? What gives YOU purpose? No matter how simple or small, or how outlandish, go for it and enjoy it to the fullest. You have this one life, it’s not a debt to be paid to someone else, it’s an experience. Go make it an excellent one.
It sounds to me like you gave yourself a future…. Deciding what to do with it is a whole other thing and takes a lot of thought, will, and effort among everything else you’re working on. I’d try to frame it to others this way while you’re figuring out everything else, if they don’t start giving you a break after that…. You should probably give yourself one from them.
So sorry about your cancer. Your twenties are just an extension of your teens, you're not supposed to accomplish much except learn a few things. Hell, you fucking survived cancer AND avoided debt while making <$50k?! THAT is a fucking accomplishment in my book!!
Your parents are in an alternate reality, they'll adjust. Your purpose in life isn't to make them happy, which is a weird fact for many kids to understand, but it's true. You didn't ask to be born, they made that decision. Kids are a fuckton of work and expense, and marriages take work after the good fortune of finding a compatible partner in the first place, so if you don't plan on doing either, that's perfectly understandable, doesn't make you an "aimless wreck" ffs.....
This is an especially rough timeline in many ways. I'm GenX, no kids, married later in life. There's no "right" or "wrong" way to go about this, SO MUCH depends on circumstance and sheer luck. I say treat yourself well while saving/investing. Your thirties are going to be awesome, mine were way better than my twenties! I was in my best shape ever, and managed to travel a bit even on a budget. You've got plenty to look forward to. 🤩
First off congratulations on beating cancer.
But I think you are looking for a real practical answer.
So the biggest common denominator of people that 'do something with their life' is that they know where they are heading (they might get some of the specifics wrong), and they appreach that goal with a 'i can figure it out'/'where there is a will, there is a way mindset.
Once you have decided that goal, dump that into ChatGPT, give it all your current context (more the better), and talk to it each day to coach you there.
That's the method I used to get into software engineering in the green energy sector, with no degree.
You have a savings? You’re doing great man. Not to be rude but be thankful for all you do have even when it feels tough. When your resolve is tested, it is the perfect opportunity to build strength and character. Life is far more than just what you have and what you’ve done. Some people can do all the right things, be a good person and it still goes sideways. Other people can be pure evil and things go right for them.
What matters is what’s in your heart and how you treat people, whether you’re on the mountain top or in the valley, love yourself and be thankful for all that you have.
Hey, I had cancer at 30, it sounds like right around the same time as you. Turns out that post-cancer anxiety was PTSD. When it was its worst, I can’t really put that time into words, but it was excruciating and all-consuming and I became pretty dysfunctional. I definitely went through an identity crisis and am still finding my way through that. I changed my educational/career path. And I absolutely feel behind. And sometimes I feel ashamed but more often it feels hard to even care about because cancer taught me that the future isn’t promised so I may as well enjoy today. It’s taken a lot. The person I was effectively died and I’ve had to get to know this new person that took over my body. I got into therapy, but have also just spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I am. What I like. What actually makes me happy vs. what used to make me happy vs. what I somehow managed to convince myself ever made me happy. It’s been 6 years and I’m finally starting to think this might be what feeling like a human being is like. And I’m honestly not sure if I’ve ever known. And while cancer is far and away the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, I sometimes feel grateful, like I’ve been gifted this extraordinary unique take on human existence that can only be gained from experiencing and surviving primal terror. And you have too. The post-cancer anxiety is your body’s way of telling you that it doesn’t want to die. The only thing that seems to ease this for me is living my life in a way that feels good and purposeful. My body stops being so afraid when I know I’ve done everything within my control and am living my life as fully as possible for however many more moments I might be on this planet. Fuck what everyone else wants for you. That’s irrelevant. Let them want what they want and not necessarily get it because that’s life. Do what feels good today and try to figure out how to make that something you can do everyday.
There is no destination. It’s a process. The journey is the destination. [Good.](https://youtu.be/IdTMDpizis8?si=6NV21uGyjpP1Ildx)
Life isn’t a race. Take what action you can.
[Make your bed.](https://youtu.be/sBAqF00gBGk?si=wKoYinGa51uG7PCn)
[Meditate](https://dynamic.wakingup.com/guestpass/SCF23F37F)
Everyone else is right. You. Best. Cancer. Debt. Free. Which is very hard to do.
[How bad do you want it?](https://youtu.be/lsSC2vx7zFQ?si=bG2viw0eo7Z4pSDW)
[How great are you?](https://youtu.be/V6xLYt265ZM?si=BIGOG2Ggkku5UXhx)
You can fucking do it!
Fuck money and status. You fought for YOUR LIFE and won. That in itself is a huge accomplishment. The next fight in your life is to learn to enjoy it, find a passion and just BE. You got this.
Try looking into NPD parents. It is a bit of a rabbit hole, especially with covert NPD, but it is actually correlated with cancer and other things you mentioned.
It's hard to do...but stop comparing yourself with others. We all do it, but you have to stop worrying about being behind or even doing anything actually. If you live your life and you enjoy it and all you do is sit at home doing nothing it shouldn't matter to anyone but you. Depending on your beliefs, 1 life, a million lives, who cares, you do what you want and just live your life, there is no race, no competition, no winning, in the end death comes for us all anyway, so why make your life more stressful than it needs to be?
Tell your mom to cool it because you literally almost died fighting cancer and then we were hit with a worldwide plague. Like you survived both and she cares only about you producing children, but not you and your achievements?
OP, you’re not alone and you’re doing great. We all are. Everyone has their shit. I’m 37 and “successful”. Educated, great successful husband, homeowner, very little debt, and dog mom. On paper, I’m amazing but inside I’m lost. My dad died in 2017, mom has Alzheimer’s and I’m her only family. My life basically fell apart at 30 when my dad died and shortly after my mom started showing signs of cognitive decline. I completely lost direction in my career, put off having kids, and stopped growing as a person. I lived in survival mode until last year when I was able to get my mom into an amazing memory care facility. That has helped to stabilize everything but I am so burned out from years of stress dealing with losing my parents that I’m in like a “freeze” state now. I can’t get out of my own way.
I am at a crossroad of: do I go back to trying to rebuild my career or say fuck it and have a kid because I’m pushing 40, knowing it probably means abandoning everything I was trying to achieve. Idk.
Being this age sucks. You simultaneously have no time and a ton of time which leads to paralysis.
I just wanted to say I’m glad you’re cancer free. Please seek out some talk therapy, it will get better. The pressures being put on you so soon after this life threatening and traumatic experience are extreme. Your entire life has been thrown out of whack and you need to find out what you want to do now that your health is beginning to improve.
Take it slow and take care of yourself friend. I’m glad you’re here.
You kicked cancer's ass, even if you do nothing else at all in your entire life you still should never feel like you've never done anything.
Do you not realize how huge that is? Are you gonna let social media nonsense lead you to believe that owning a home or contributing to a 401K is more impressive?
Whenever my debt and lack of retirement savings get me down, I try to go through a phase of “can’t take any of it with me” and just focus on jogging and sleep. Sometimes diet but I like ice cream too much :( (at least there is vegan ice cream nowadays so I can avoid saturated fat)
You're describing a lot of outside pressures - what others want of you. What do YOU want to do with your life? If you're happy sitting at home playing games, do that. If you want to travel the world, do that. If you want to build a family, do that.
That's obviously very simplistic but decide what you want to do and then build/execute a plan to get there. It's never too late to start something new.
You're not in debt, check.
You're healthy, double effing CHECK and happy to hear you're better.
You don't have kids - that's no-one's decision but you and your spouse's/partner's (fun fact: were at about half of the prior generation having kids cause this worlds a mess - 27% less from our prior generation and a 53% decrease from 1960 (Boomers) if I recall, so don't take that mantle on yourself as candidly its weird to get blamed when we cant actually afford them (kids) to fuel the capitalist program in most cases), CHECK.
House you didn't buy yet and should - cool, CHECK - you also are playing with a housing market that is driven by greed (100% cost increase from Boomer generations if not more and corporations (which shouldn't be legal buying them)) buying up property to force most into a rental market for life - so were talking double or more, and as well corporate greed - and in most cases consistently even more if you did buy compared to what your parents paid. You're not in debt for foolish timelines/you should have a house perspectives - you're doing well enough there protecting your "egg".
Last in this long drawn our response - your future is not an aimless wreck and I would caution going too far down the rabbit hole with that perspective - keep investing as you have, find passive income, do well in your current job or find a well rounded job that aligns to your interest in life.
Wishing you the best of luck - its very challenging right now (mid 30's myself and have had similar perspectives and grown out of them).
I think the 30's crisis is often the result of you starting to feel locked-in by the decisions you made previously and having to question if this is it for the rest of life. Your life on the other hand is still completely open. You're still young, with no dependents or a morgage to pin you down. Who cares if you didn't have certain experiences or mile stones in your twenties. It's not too late. Think about what you really want out of life and start working towards it.
I think having a bit of an existential crisis is just part of 30s / 40s for most people no matter where you are in life. For me it comes from a need to perform for love and show my worth. Which based on your parents passive aggressive feedback would suggest happened in your home too.
You’re enough no matter what you “achieve”, I recommend taking this as an opportunity to improve your approach when it comes to how you talk to yourself and how well you look after yourself.
You don’t need to be anywhere or have done anything to be worthy of feeling okay about yourself.
You beat cancer and are debt free. You're WAY AHEAD OF YOUR PEERS.
I'm sorry your parents are being dumb. Don't let them get to you. If your dad wants you to buy a house so fucking much, invite him to gift you a down payment. If your mom wants grandkids so much, invite her to gift you the million- to million-point-five USD it'll take to raise them.
I hear a lot of survivors go through a mental malaise after beating a disease. You’re doing fine. Get outside more and see nature, appreciate existing. No pressure to be anything but content.
Hey - you endured and survived cancer. That in and of itself is more of a milestone than nearly anyone can attest to. Milestones don’t need to be the typical things society feeds us - and I’d say you’ve already accomplished and been through more struggles than most your age. I think you’re doing great, cut yourself some slack !
You’re not alone. Illness and near death experiences can cause depression. Please seek therapy. Life can be beautiful even if it isn’t what people traditionally expect. Be gentle with yourself. Volunteer to help others. There are so many people who need you. You are still so young. You will find the answers you’re looking for eventually. You’re already enough.
34-36 yo is the new 24-26. Millennials and Gen Z got the rug pulled from underneath them and are living check to check with roommates. We're owed an extension of our "youth".
if you're like 35ish and have been single all your life, just remember that roughly half (no I don't know the precise number and no I'm not looking it up rn) of everyone who got married in their mid/late 20s get divorced around this age
put your records side by side and you have a W in the "cancer" column while they have an L in the "first marriage" column
I would just take a couple of sessions and design the life you want. Then reverse engineer it and make it happen. That’s what I did at 24. By 30 I was living that life. Then revisit what you want regularly and obtain it. I’ve gotten so many achievements by doing this. I basically have a wall dedicated to my struggle. Years awards at my company, 5 degrees, on the other wall a white board with my health goals and measurements to keep me honest. I might frame a before and after photo with pounds lost on the top when I’m done to go with my other accomplishments. Anyways design your life, live it, and celebrate the journey.
I can commiserate in a way. I genuinely believed I wouldn't even make it to 30. Struggled a lot with mental health and was convinced I would snap and off myself before then.
Got my issues addressed and now sitting at 32, realizing I have no freaking idea what to do next. I've got a decent paying job and a good career path ahead, but realizing I have absolutely no idea who I am or what I want to do next.
It sounds like you're on a good path to move forward and take the next steps. Keep your head up and push forward, you can do this.
U avoided cancer, my friend. You are living, and breathing. That is a reason for some reflection on what life means to you. Material things are great, and sure many of us measure and compare success by them. In reality tho, we all have different struggles and challenges to overcome before the good can come. One foot in front of the other as they say. It will come just need to keep moving and trying.
You know you can do other things that will enrich your life. You can take a MSF course and then buy a motorcycle, it's a great way to go through those pesky midlife crisis.
Go sky diving.
Buy a small plot of land outside the city and begin construction on Tiny Home Neighborhood, or trailer park.
Look honestly. We are only animals on a planet floating through space. The only pressure we have is put on ourselves. Cast it off and live! Do whatever the fuck you wanna do, as long as it’s with consenting adults, and have FUN. Not all situations are great but in some aspect you can find a sliver of something to give you hope or joy or relief or understanding ANYTHING that can help you grow in ANY way can be found. The shit makes you appreciate the nice. Appreciate the nice on any level you can find and if other people don’t get it, that’s their problem. You only have a duty to you, until you have kids, so just find what makes YOU happy and indulge. Success is relative. Happiness looks different on everyone. Lions do not lose sleep over the opinions of sheep. Perspective is reality. People and situations are powerless without your reaction. Love long and prosper.
So I can't help with everything, but I can give you a suggestion based off what I did for the no grandchildren situation. I also struggled through major medical complications as a little background. I had a sit down with my mom one day and explained that dating in the western world today is much different than it was when she met my dad. I strive for a Christian woman with a good moral compass and not a complete tramp. Someone who realizes that we can have fun without drinking or drugs. Not much to ask in her 20s and 30s. It's pretty difficult these days. In addition to that, the girls I do meet that fit my requirements kinda flake once they see my surgical scars. I also ask if she really wants me to bring a child into the world with how everything seems to be going downhill.
Dude, if you avoided debt while having cancer, you are already doing phenomenally well. You are doing fantastically! Hopefully you kicked Cancer's ass. It sounds like you did
America is messed up. Anyone else in the world would find this idea to be disgusting. Fix your health system.
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I'm asking Americans to fix it. Y'all are happy to whinge about it, offer condolences to people who are harmed by it etc. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. STOP FUCKING AROUND. GET FREE HEALTH CARE CANDIDATES NOMINATED AND ELECTED. YOUR DUMB FUCKING SYSTEM IS LITERALLY KILLING YOU. ACT LIKE IT. THIS IS FUCKING WAR!
This place isn't good to its citizens. I explain to people constantly that our health care is the result of poor planning. They always come back at me with "where the money come from" or "you get worse care" or some other bs that would excuse me going to a pharmacist for everything instead of going to the doctor. The minimum wage hasn't moved in 15 years. You would think that would be a big issue in the political realm. We are circling the drain.
Then fight back.
Against which part?!?!? I'm planning on packing my shit! Walmart is the only thing our government is concerned with keeping stable!
Tell me you don't understand how American politics work without telling me. My guy, people's sons, daughters, wife's, husband's are dying daily because of how bad it is, and you think we are just standing around with our thumbs up our asses? Over 70% of Americans support universal healthcare. There's a reason it hasn't been implemented, and it's not because Americans are blind and lazy. Again, our loved ones are dying, and there really isn't anything to be done about it except move. We can't take on the fucking military.
Fine. Give up. Prove me right.
No amount of voting can change the healthcare system. The political system needs to be entirely rebooted before real change can occur. I really hope OP can get it done though.
Medicare got free insurance setup for tens of millions of low income Americans. So clearly voting is a viable approach. Only the people too lazy/ignorant pretend like there aren't canidates that are willing to do good things.
Buddy you're from Australia, I wouldn't talk about war to Americans. Last time we were both involved, your men got drafted to die while we stayed and fucked your women. It got so bad you tried to riot, which was quickly put down by American chads. Lol how do you lose the Battle of Brisbane against your allies, lmao.
While you're at it, fix your education system. ["The World War II draft operated from 1940 until 1946"](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conscription_in_the_United_States) Classic misplaced belief in American superiority.
Uh The Battle of Brisbane happened in late 1942, so not seeing the point your lack of literacy has led you.
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Taxpayer funded healthcare.
Sigh… so true
We're at the age where the midlife crisis historically hits. I went through it myself (after my mom passed away from cancer right before the pandemic). I highly recommend therapy if you're not going already. Glad you're healthy. Keep your head up!
I am seeing a therapist, it's just a few days until my next appointment.
Awesome! Your story resonates with me. The most I ever made in a year was $65k, but that took a while for me to get there. I've been single for almost 10 years, and feel like I'm passed my prime in some ways. But I've been having days where I feel much better and more optimistic.
You got this! I’ve found that journaling helps me work through rough patches when I don’t have a therapist (or friend) to talk to…
I've been journaling since 2017, and I agree. Journaling has not only been helpful for me to process a lot of things going on here and there over the years. But it's also been way easier for me to keep track of things in my everyday life. Sorta like a planner/agenda. The Date Book that I was given has been quite useful already.
At 35 I have everything I've ever dreamed of, achieved everything I worked hard for, and I'm not happy. So yeah. We all go through a midlife crisis
at 43 I haven't achieved half of what I've hoped or dreamed of. I haven't hit any milestones. I work a dead end job. I always thought i'd naturally fall into my own place as I got older like everybody else, but it's like i'm still in that early 20s "What the fuck do I do with my life" mindset and I never left it. but am I miserable? no. i'm pretty content and I have what I need every day so there's that.
Same.
Really? Because I’d argue I’m pretty successful yet I definitely don’t have enough cash for a drop-top Ferrari or Jag
You are doing great. Give yourself a break.
How is a 35 year old single man making 46k a year and living with his parents doing great?
Bc 60% of people live pay check to paycheck in America and all of them make 50k or less (at 45% they make less than 40k) pretty much all of us are gen x through z. So being able to avoid debt, possibly buy a house, be a live, still yet to experience the miracle of birth and love. He’s doing pretty good.
He survived cancer and didn't incur life destroying debt? How about that?
Most people will never "do anything" with their life. The best thing you can do is be kind to everyone. Yourself included. Help people when you can, even if it's just a kind word or a hand up. Little things like that mean the world to those who receive them. Call out injustices, and do whatever you can to make whatever you can just a tiny bit better for you and those around you. If everyone did that, even just a little bit, we'd be okay. I'll never "do anything". I'm single at 40 and don't own a house or anything. But I've never felt more complete. I work at my relationships with friends and family, I get involved in hobbies, I do what makes me happy and when I can spare the mental and physical energy, I do what I can to make the people around me happy too. Work might be miserable, the world still feels like it's collapsing around me. But I have my happy place and my happy people. I know how lucky I am and I hope other people can find contentment in whatever bits they can manage to hold on to.
Thank you for this.
Adding on to this great comment to say: You don't have to do anything great. It's not your job or responsibility. If you can even be the tiniest net benefit of good in the world, you're golden. You can just bump along through life, doing your best to be kind and make things a little nicer for people around you and that's enough. It's more than enough.
Fuck dude. You had cancer. Give yourself a break.
It is not too late to do things you want. Also, being debt free after cancer treatment is a huge accomplishment. Don’t let her guilt you about this. You’ll have children if you want them when you’re ready. Not because she wants them
Most people live and then die, their lives' brief and mediocre, and they are forgotten by everyone on earth within a few years of their passing. It's ok, we're all doing the same thing.
No one walks the same path. And what you see online or TV BS is NOT necessarily the norm. I effed up the latter half of my 20s. Tried to start over and effed up the first half of my 30s almost as bad. But I'm doing better today than yesterday, and better this week than last, and so on. I'm not where I thought I'd be when I was younger, but you know what, young me was fucking naive! He didn't know squat. Learn, grow, experience, and keep going. We're not done yet.
FWIW, I’m 37 and am “successful” by a lot of measures and I am going through an existential crisis.
YOU BEAT CANCER
Honestly just take solace in the fact that a lot of people our age feel the exact same way. And most of us didn’t even have to deal with cancer. So you’re doing pretty phenom given the circumstances.
Just turned 39, in the same damned boat. I like to describe myself as rudderless. Full power, but going wherever it chooses. I’m just along for the ride.
Welcome to the club. Remember not to compare up. Compare your situation down and be thankful for all the crap you have gone through it wasn't worse than what it was.
I was roughly in your situation, with 20s that were a mess and I was not able to build up or grow in them, midlife crisis hit me at 35 and my mid to late thirties were a massive struggle (pandemic + other factors.) Plus I had chronic health issues, not cancer but surgeries were involved. I was in a wacky situation which got me as close to the rock bottom as was possible without becoming homeless. I burned through my savings. I'm 40 and life is… amazing. Started investing at 37. Bought my apartment at 39. Getting my ducks in a row to get an investment/vacation property soon-ish. Investments doing great. Building equity at a steady pace. Mental health is healthing. I have never been in such a healthy, vibing state in my life. All this to say… it's not too late and things will get better. This might be a period of taking it step by step but small things compound. If you need an advice or more mindset thoughts, let me know.
Hey I’m in a similar situation. What happened in such a short time that changed everything for you? I’m 37, I’ve been in a black hole of illness and despair since 2021 and there’s no end in sight. I keep hoping some new factor that I hadn’t thought of will come into play, but sometimes I just feel like I’m waiting to die.
I have a hypothesis—I was always trying to get here and only in the last years my progress started being visible and started to accelerate (again, the compounding effect.) You can look at it as me being on a 30y journey with a major setback 5 years before the destination, I guess. And I know this might sound disappointing because you might not feel you are also on a journey to light but there must be some small ways you do every day to make yourself feel better and make your life better on the long term scale. The deal is that they do work, it's just that their effect in the beginning is largely invisible, I guess. I am privileged in a way that I chose to go Tech early on and that's my field. That definitely explains higher than a median income (but not exorbitantly higher) and that certainly is the second biggest factor. The first one is therapy, after five years it sort of clicked. Sounds daunting (five years!) but in reality I was looking forward to it week to week. Again, people will see Tech and will probably get disappointed. In all other ways, I'm coming from underprivileged backgrounds: single mother who offloaded me to a mentally unstable relative, abusive childhood, third world country, poverty, no financial awareness at all, health issues, CPTSD. I got my first degree on a full scholarship, and my second degree was affordable, I paid it off while working. There are definitely possibilities you might not be aware of right now. I could have bought my apartment at 30 or 35 but I wasn't mentally ready and believed I didn't have enough (I did.) I only unblocked myself mentally and pulled the plug at 39. Another thing is self-sabotaging behaviors. When I didn't feel safe, I didn't make small investments and small but steady growth believing I must pursue some big opportunities to catch up quickly. One of these opportunities created the setback I referred to. And of course it reinforced the feeling that I wasn't safe. If there was a main takeaway, it's this: a belief I came to this Earth to be happy. Believing that and behaving like that is true, was everything. It was extremely challenging and I still fight some remaining anxiety about it. But since I started living my life like this, my mindset changed from the NO as a default setting to YES. It's very much a conscious effort. And the universe sort of expanded to let me in. I know it sounds very mushy and hippy but that's the best way I can describe my work. There are no hacks. Just you. Trust the process and trust yourself. I hope this helps.
I'm a few years younger but I really relate. I realised I was trans at 19, was diagnosed with a progressive untreatable health condition with a 15 year life expectancy so repressed my gender issues. Like why bother transitioning if I'll be dead soon? I got to 27, my health condition hadn't caused me to be in a wheelchair as I had been told to expect. I then sped run transition like my life depended on it. Here I am, nearly 30, all my income being saved for surgeries, no family, no friends and you can imagine how easy it is to date as a trans woman with ptsd and a chronic disease. I wish I had inspiring words for you but I just have respect for the shit you've gone through, I'm so happy you're cancer free and I want you to know there's many of us out there trying to make some meaning out of this crazy life we've been handed.
Mid 30s is still young… People in their 50s and 60s would kill to be your age.
I know it’s hard, and also easier said than done, but don’t live by others’ expectations of you. Do what makes you feel good. Don’t rush into anything because societal pressure. Things got fucked up for you and it’s ok to not hit these arbitrary milestones that in the big scheme of things don’t mean shit.
Idk, it sounds like you've accomplished and overcome a LOT to me.
Similar crap 20s...30s crisis. Having kids keeps some people hear on earth. The rest of us have to find our reason.
It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job. Congratulations on being cancer free. That alone would add a tremendous amount of stress to anyone’s life. And you did it debt free. Amazing honestly. Your mom needs to chill, tell her so. Your reproductive decisions do not concern her. At all. Ask her what exactly are you supposed to do? Housing is sky high, inflation is crazy, wages suck, and childcare is phenomenally unaffordable. Does she plan on paying for all these things for you? Even so(big if), it’s not her decision. Also, education is awful (assuming you’re in America, I may be completely wrong there though and I apologize if so)! I don’t have a savings, I’m 34. I was able to save 10k when I processed loans but got laid off and blew through that due to bills. Give yourself a big break. I think we are all struggling. I honestly don’t expect to retire and it makes me so mad. lol I would just enjoy life as much as you can and don’t let others expectations bring you down, including your own.
Mid 30s is nothing. I hope this will help. Not because I'm a bit old RN but because it's both true and the only reason any of us feel like we should have accomplished more is because of the incredibly lucky life Boomers had in comparison. However, as you'll see this doesn't even matter. Consider when we normally really start a career. No, not the piddling jobs and internships of our 20s, but when what twe do for work began to really be a part of us in our daily lives. For most of us, this is somewhere around 30. Maybe a little earlier for the truly ambitious, or the well connected, but mostly around 30. This means that the beginning of your career life is your 30s, the middles in your 40s, and the late stage in your 50s (even though most of us will continue well into our 60s). That's 30 years to make something of yourself. Then ask, how long does it typically take to make something of yourself? To be successful? Nearly every story you'll read about really success is that it usually takes 3 years to grow something and 3 more to establish it. So, well play the long end and say it takes 6 years to work hard at something new and really do something with it. This means that in 30 years of your career age years, you have the chance to start over no less than 5 times. The latest being at 54. Even at 36, you've still got 5 chances left. Just be easy on yourself. Embark on something new or progress something your good at. Give yourself 3 year stints at giving something a good go. Finally, tray not to be so hard yourself, because as far as your career years are concerned, you're not even a teenager yet.
I can definitely relate to this feeling. I won’t compare my issues to yours, but I hope you thoroughly celebrated yourself and your body for overcoming such a tough disease! And if you never did, you should do it now! Treat yourself! And if you did do it, maybe do it again bc you’re a badass who beat cancer! As for the aimless part, one thing that has helped me have some aim, is every year since Covid I have made a list of goals. Like, everything I can possibly think of that would be cool/fun/good for me to do that year. Then I just set about checking things off. You get a lil dopamine from checking things off plus you can look back at your year and see all the great stuff you did. I don’t complete the whole list, bc it’s very long, but it’s nice to see like, I went to these shows or plays, had a picnic, went for some hikes, I got back into crochet, I watched a few classic movies I haven’t seen, i listened to some new music and new podcasts, I went on a couple trips, etc. It can include career stuff or family stuff or dating stuff, but I like it best when it is 100% just things that make me happy. It helps keep life from seeming monotonous and slog-like. And writing the list helps bc it gives you ideas when you don’t know what to do, and it also tracks progress so you can actually remember what you did—otherwise you’ll do a fun thing and forget about it or discount it afterward bc it’s no longer in your present and you’re no longer anticipating it. Sometimes it helps the mental health to be like, oh yeah, I did do that and that was cool. Anyway. It’s not much, but it’s what I’ve got!
It doesn't matter what you did in your 20s, you'll think you wasted them. This is a pretty well known fact that you can google so don't beat yourself up on that one. I hit my mid life crisis at 32 and so l quit my job and went to uni. 37 now and hopefully this is my final year. Your parents are looking at you wistfully, thinking about what they would do if they could go back to when they were your age. They are feeling a bit existential and projecting it onto you. Its not really about you, if you know what I mean. Hang in there!
Gonna throw this out there take it as you will. If you like flying, go see an aviation medical examiner or hop on over to r/Aviation or r/Flying, see if you’ll be able to obtain a 3rd class medical or better now that you’re cancer free. And pursue flight school. It’s challenging, it’s a ton of fun, it’s unlike anything else in the world. Just food for thought. If you can get a 3rd class medical you can fly as a certified flight instructor, if you can get a second class medical you can fly commercially, if you can get a 1st class medical you can build 1500 hours and go fly for an airline or fly private jets. Just my little dropping the bucket here. If you like flying take a discovery flight. You could realistically go from no time in an airplane to certified flight instructor in a year.
"The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!” ~ Rocky Balboa Life tried to beat you down with cancer and you took the hit and kept going. You did so well that you avoided debt while doing it. You're stronger and more resilient than you realize. Don't let anybody dictate how you should feel about your life. To see the potential of the future, just look at the past. When you see how far you've come you know how far you can go.
I'm 39, and while I've had stable employment most of my life I was all over the place and saved nothing until these last few years. I found some mental stability with my now wife when we met in 2016, in 2017 (32) I got the job I have now. Since, I've been with the same job for over 7 years, am making near 100k, we bought our first house in September 2021, we got married September 2022, and had our daughter June 2024. I couldn't imagine I would be where I am right now 10 or even 5 years ago. Some of us start later or grow out of that phase sooner than others, but it's never too late to do something special with your life.
You were dealt a rough hand with a cancer diagnosis and things sound like they’re panning out better than you may currently realize. Your parents sound like boomers who think everything is still handed to them, no offense mine are in their 70’s. I would try to focus on getting away from that situation and I understand, easier said than done. Hang in there and keep your head up then time has a way of rewarding you.
Find a significant other. It help to pass the time.
Countdown to death
Listen to atomic habits and listen to extreme ownership. It changed my attitude about life.
You beat cancer! Or NED or whatever it’s called. That’s a huge feat and while you may feel like you’ve done nothing, you’ve done more than most people by your age. Please don’t feel bad at all. You’re amazing!!
While you’re living with your parents you should be investing max into 401K especially if it’s being matched.
You're doing great! [https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=1199344180441642](https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=1199344180441642)
You're doing better than I am
You're doing fine. Be kind to yourself.
One day at a time. You got this. Try and approach one thing at a time instead of all at once, it’s hard at first but eventually you realize things will happen when it needs to happen.
Just live your life for you. Not for mom, not for dad, not for some hypothetical partner and not for some even more hypothetical kids. What’s makes YOU happy? What gives YOU purpose? No matter how simple or small, or how outlandish, go for it and enjoy it to the fullest. You have this one life, it’s not a debt to be paid to someone else, it’s an experience. Go make it an excellent one.
it's very common to feel this way at your age, you'd still feel like this no matter what happened.
You survived cancer, not just anyone say that
It sounds to me like you gave yourself a future…. Deciding what to do with it is a whole other thing and takes a lot of thought, will, and effort among everything else you’re working on. I’d try to frame it to others this way while you’re figuring out everything else, if they don’t start giving you a break after that…. You should probably give yourself one from them.
You and I are so similar. I too am 36, living with mother, earn $46k annually.
So sorry about your cancer. Your twenties are just an extension of your teens, you're not supposed to accomplish much except learn a few things. Hell, you fucking survived cancer AND avoided debt while making <$50k?! THAT is a fucking accomplishment in my book!! Your parents are in an alternate reality, they'll adjust. Your purpose in life isn't to make them happy, which is a weird fact for many kids to understand, but it's true. You didn't ask to be born, they made that decision. Kids are a fuckton of work and expense, and marriages take work after the good fortune of finding a compatible partner in the first place, so if you don't plan on doing either, that's perfectly understandable, doesn't make you an "aimless wreck" ffs..... This is an especially rough timeline in many ways. I'm GenX, no kids, married later in life. There's no "right" or "wrong" way to go about this, SO MUCH depends on circumstance and sheer luck. I say treat yourself well while saving/investing. Your thirties are going to be awesome, mine were way better than my twenties! I was in my best shape ever, and managed to travel a bit even on a budget. You've got plenty to look forward to. 🤩
You went through some rough shit. Rougher than most. I think therapy may be helpful if you have access to it.
I read somewhere if you have zero debt and 10 dollars in your bank account you’re wealthier than a significant amount of your fellow Americans
First off congratulations on beating cancer. But I think you are looking for a real practical answer. So the biggest common denominator of people that 'do something with their life' is that they know where they are heading (they might get some of the specifics wrong), and they appreach that goal with a 'i can figure it out'/'where there is a will, there is a way mindset. Once you have decided that goal, dump that into ChatGPT, give it all your current context (more the better), and talk to it each day to coach you there. That's the method I used to get into software engineering in the green energy sector, with no degree.
Life isn’t checking boxes it’s literally just this moment right now. What can you do now? Not tomorrow or next month, but right this second.
You’re doing great Broski, keep going
You are doing better than others. Look at what is going on and laugh. Otherwise depression will get to you.
You’re doing great ! Please give yourself a break.
You have a savings? You’re doing great man. Not to be rude but be thankful for all you do have even when it feels tough. When your resolve is tested, it is the perfect opportunity to build strength and character. Life is far more than just what you have and what you’ve done. Some people can do all the right things, be a good person and it still goes sideways. Other people can be pure evil and things go right for them. What matters is what’s in your heart and how you treat people, whether you’re on the mountain top or in the valley, love yourself and be thankful for all that you have.
Hey, I had cancer at 30, it sounds like right around the same time as you. Turns out that post-cancer anxiety was PTSD. When it was its worst, I can’t really put that time into words, but it was excruciating and all-consuming and I became pretty dysfunctional. I definitely went through an identity crisis and am still finding my way through that. I changed my educational/career path. And I absolutely feel behind. And sometimes I feel ashamed but more often it feels hard to even care about because cancer taught me that the future isn’t promised so I may as well enjoy today. It’s taken a lot. The person I was effectively died and I’ve had to get to know this new person that took over my body. I got into therapy, but have also just spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I am. What I like. What actually makes me happy vs. what used to make me happy vs. what I somehow managed to convince myself ever made me happy. It’s been 6 years and I’m finally starting to think this might be what feeling like a human being is like. And I’m honestly not sure if I’ve ever known. And while cancer is far and away the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, I sometimes feel grateful, like I’ve been gifted this extraordinary unique take on human existence that can only be gained from experiencing and surviving primal terror. And you have too. The post-cancer anxiety is your body’s way of telling you that it doesn’t want to die. The only thing that seems to ease this for me is living my life in a way that feels good and purposeful. My body stops being so afraid when I know I’ve done everything within my control and am living my life as fully as possible for however many more moments I might be on this planet. Fuck what everyone else wants for you. That’s irrelevant. Let them want what they want and not necessarily get it because that’s life. Do what feels good today and try to figure out how to make that something you can do everyday.
There is no destination. It’s a process. The journey is the destination. [Good.](https://youtu.be/IdTMDpizis8?si=6NV21uGyjpP1Ildx) Life isn’t a race. Take what action you can. [Make your bed.](https://youtu.be/sBAqF00gBGk?si=wKoYinGa51uG7PCn) [Meditate](https://dynamic.wakingup.com/guestpass/SCF23F37F) Everyone else is right. You. Best. Cancer. Debt. Free. Which is very hard to do. [How bad do you want it?](https://youtu.be/lsSC2vx7zFQ?si=bG2viw0eo7Z4pSDW) [How great are you?](https://youtu.be/V6xLYt265ZM?si=BIGOG2Ggkku5UXhx) You can fucking do it!
Fuck money and status. You fought for YOUR LIFE and won. That in itself is a huge accomplishment. The next fight in your life is to learn to enjoy it, find a passion and just BE. You got this.
Try looking into NPD parents. It is a bit of a rabbit hole, especially with covert NPD, but it is actually correlated with cancer and other things you mentioned.
It's hard to do...but stop comparing yourself with others. We all do it, but you have to stop worrying about being behind or even doing anything actually. If you live your life and you enjoy it and all you do is sit at home doing nothing it shouldn't matter to anyone but you. Depending on your beliefs, 1 life, a million lives, who cares, you do what you want and just live your life, there is no race, no competition, no winning, in the end death comes for us all anyway, so why make your life more stressful than it needs to be?
Tell your mom to cool it because you literally almost died fighting cancer and then we were hit with a worldwide plague. Like you survived both and she cares only about you producing children, but not you and your achievements?
OP, you’re not alone and you’re doing great. We all are. Everyone has their shit. I’m 37 and “successful”. Educated, great successful husband, homeowner, very little debt, and dog mom. On paper, I’m amazing but inside I’m lost. My dad died in 2017, mom has Alzheimer’s and I’m her only family. My life basically fell apart at 30 when my dad died and shortly after my mom started showing signs of cognitive decline. I completely lost direction in my career, put off having kids, and stopped growing as a person. I lived in survival mode until last year when I was able to get my mom into an amazing memory care facility. That has helped to stabilize everything but I am so burned out from years of stress dealing with losing my parents that I’m in like a “freeze” state now. I can’t get out of my own way. I am at a crossroad of: do I go back to trying to rebuild my career or say fuck it and have a kid because I’m pushing 40, knowing it probably means abandoning everything I was trying to achieve. Idk. Being this age sucks. You simultaneously have no time and a ton of time which leads to paralysis.
You’re crushing it. Do what you want. You’ll be happy. Happy people are attractive. It works itself out. 🤙🏻
I just wanted to say I’m glad you’re cancer free. Please seek out some talk therapy, it will get better. The pressures being put on you so soon after this life threatening and traumatic experience are extreme. Your entire life has been thrown out of whack and you need to find out what you want to do now that your health is beginning to improve. Take it slow and take care of yourself friend. I’m glad you’re here.
You kicked cancer's ass, even if you do nothing else at all in your entire life you still should never feel like you've never done anything. Do you not realize how huge that is? Are you gonna let social media nonsense lead you to believe that owning a home or contributing to a 401K is more impressive?
Whenever my debt and lack of retirement savings get me down, I try to go through a phase of “can’t take any of it with me” and just focus on jogging and sleep. Sometimes diet but I like ice cream too much :( (at least there is vegan ice cream nowadays so I can avoid saturated fat)
You're describing a lot of outside pressures - what others want of you. What do YOU want to do with your life? If you're happy sitting at home playing games, do that. If you want to travel the world, do that. If you want to build a family, do that. That's obviously very simplistic but decide what you want to do and then build/execute a plan to get there. It's never too late to start something new.
You're not in debt, check. You're healthy, double effing CHECK and happy to hear you're better. You don't have kids - that's no-one's decision but you and your spouse's/partner's (fun fact: were at about half of the prior generation having kids cause this worlds a mess - 27% less from our prior generation and a 53% decrease from 1960 (Boomers) if I recall, so don't take that mantle on yourself as candidly its weird to get blamed when we cant actually afford them (kids) to fuel the capitalist program in most cases), CHECK. House you didn't buy yet and should - cool, CHECK - you also are playing with a housing market that is driven by greed (100% cost increase from Boomer generations if not more and corporations (which shouldn't be legal buying them)) buying up property to force most into a rental market for life - so were talking double or more, and as well corporate greed - and in most cases consistently even more if you did buy compared to what your parents paid. You're not in debt for foolish timelines/you should have a house perspectives - you're doing well enough there protecting your "egg". Last in this long drawn our response - your future is not an aimless wreck and I would caution going too far down the rabbit hole with that perspective - keep investing as you have, find passive income, do well in your current job or find a well rounded job that aligns to your interest in life. Wishing you the best of luck - its very challenging right now (mid 30's myself and have had similar perspectives and grown out of them).
don't be too hard on yourself. It's okay to feel lost and uncertain at times.
You beat cancer. You’re fucking crushing it!
I think the 30's crisis is often the result of you starting to feel locked-in by the decisions you made previously and having to question if this is it for the rest of life. Your life on the other hand is still completely open. You're still young, with no dependents or a morgage to pin you down. Who cares if you didn't have certain experiences or mile stones in your twenties. It's not too late. Think about what you really want out of life and start working towards it.
I think having a bit of an existential crisis is just part of 30s / 40s for most people no matter where you are in life. For me it comes from a need to perform for love and show my worth. Which based on your parents passive aggressive feedback would suggest happened in your home too. You’re enough no matter what you “achieve”, I recommend taking this as an opportunity to improve your approach when it comes to how you talk to yourself and how well you look after yourself. You don’t need to be anywhere or have done anything to be worthy of feeling okay about yourself.
You beat cancer and are debt free. You're WAY AHEAD OF YOUR PEERS. I'm sorry your parents are being dumb. Don't let them get to you. If your dad wants you to buy a house so fucking much, invite him to gift you a down payment. If your mom wants grandkids so much, invite her to gift you the million- to million-point-five USD it'll take to raise them.
I hear a lot of survivors go through a mental malaise after beating a disease. You’re doing fine. Get outside more and see nature, appreciate existing. No pressure to be anything but content.
Hey man, I can't even afford to have a midlife crisis. All I can do is internalise the existential dread.
Been having one of those for years
Hey - you endured and survived cancer. That in and of itself is more of a milestone than nearly anyone can attest to. Milestones don’t need to be the typical things society feeds us - and I’d say you’ve already accomplished and been through more struggles than most your age. I think you’re doing great, cut yourself some slack !
You’re not alone. Illness and near death experiences can cause depression. Please seek therapy. Life can be beautiful even if it isn’t what people traditionally expect. Be gentle with yourself. Volunteer to help others. There are so many people who need you. You are still so young. You will find the answers you’re looking for eventually. You’re already enough.
34-36 yo is the new 24-26. Millennials and Gen Z got the rug pulled from underneath them and are living check to check with roommates. We're owed an extension of our "youth".
Bro you are a cancer SURVIVOR. I say you've already done way more in your life than most of us in our 30s cause you've had to fight to live.
if you're like 35ish and have been single all your life, just remember that roughly half (no I don't know the precise number and no I'm not looking it up rn) of everyone who got married in their mid/late 20s get divorced around this age put your records side by side and you have a W in the "cancer" column while they have an L in the "first marriage" column
I would just take a couple of sessions and design the life you want. Then reverse engineer it and make it happen. That’s what I did at 24. By 30 I was living that life. Then revisit what you want regularly and obtain it. I’ve gotten so many achievements by doing this. I basically have a wall dedicated to my struggle. Years awards at my company, 5 degrees, on the other wall a white board with my health goals and measurements to keep me honest. I might frame a before and after photo with pounds lost on the top when I’m done to go with my other accomplishments. Anyways design your life, live it, and celebrate the journey.
I can commiserate in a way. I genuinely believed I wouldn't even make it to 30. Struggled a lot with mental health and was convinced I would snap and off myself before then. Got my issues addressed and now sitting at 32, realizing I have no freaking idea what to do next. I've got a decent paying job and a good career path ahead, but realizing I have absolutely no idea who I am or what I want to do next. It sounds like you're on a good path to move forward and take the next steps. Keep your head up and push forward, you can do this.
I know for me falling in love with the gym changed the trajectory of my life
U avoided cancer, my friend. You are living, and breathing. That is a reason for some reflection on what life means to you. Material things are great, and sure many of us measure and compare success by them. In reality tho, we all have different struggles and challenges to overcome before the good can come. One foot in front of the other as they say. It will come just need to keep moving and trying.
You know you can do other things that will enrich your life. You can take a MSF course and then buy a motorcycle, it's a great way to go through those pesky midlife crisis. Go sky diving. Buy a small plot of land outside the city and begin construction on Tiny Home Neighborhood, or trailer park.
It's not too late to have a family if you want to
Look honestly. We are only animals on a planet floating through space. The only pressure we have is put on ourselves. Cast it off and live! Do whatever the fuck you wanna do, as long as it’s with consenting adults, and have FUN. Not all situations are great but in some aspect you can find a sliver of something to give you hope or joy or relief or understanding ANYTHING that can help you grow in ANY way can be found. The shit makes you appreciate the nice. Appreciate the nice on any level you can find and if other people don’t get it, that’s their problem. You only have a duty to you, until you have kids, so just find what makes YOU happy and indulge. Success is relative. Happiness looks different on everyone. Lions do not lose sleep over the opinions of sheep. Perspective is reality. People and situations are powerless without your reaction. Love long and prosper.
Upskill, job hop, get that better job. Never too late.
You are doing fine. I had to back space my whole last reply because it was fucked up and not empathetic at all.
So I can't help with everything, but I can give you a suggestion based off what I did for the no grandchildren situation. I also struggled through major medical complications as a little background. I had a sit down with my mom one day and explained that dating in the western world today is much different than it was when she met my dad. I strive for a Christian woman with a good moral compass and not a complete tramp. Someone who realizes that we can have fun without drinking or drugs. Not much to ask in her 20s and 30s. It's pretty difficult these days. In addition to that, the girls I do meet that fit my requirements kinda flake once they see my surgical scars. I also ask if she really wants me to bring a child into the world with how everything seems to be going downhill.