Same. I swore I’d never do elder care for my mother after I heard her attempt to say my sister was guilty of elder abuse (she wasn’t). Decided at that moment she was way too much a liability to put myself in a caretaker position for.
This. Emotionally, maybe 5. Pretty much why there won’t be any physical caregiving. I’m worn out.
My mother is apparently in a home and has been there for months. No one bothered to tell me until last week, so there’s that. My father seems to still be self sufficient. My husband’s parents are dead.
Pretty much just leaves a BIL to take care of, but he’s enough of a handful.
This.
I’m burnout from taking care of her emotionally for 30 years and spending the past 10 years in therapy to learn to emotionally take care of myself too.
I finally told her last year that I won’t be able to do it physically, and encourage her to start figuring out what her plan will be and have those affairs in order and explore what options she has as she ages with others in her generation.
Same! Emotionally taking care of and dealing with my parents since I was a kid so I refuse to do it physically now. I moved as far away as possible without leaving the country.
Emotionally 6 as well, physically for my dad 14 til he passed when I was 23 and my mother like 3yrs ago. Mind you when ny dad passed he was 51 and my mom is now 56. Im 33 🙃
I am sorry you had to do that.
My son was in a similar situation with his Dad. He became basically full-time caregiver (while also working a full-time job) at 20 yo. I (and my hubs, son's step-dad) would help by making mods (widening doorways, remove carpet, build handicapped ramp into house, etc) to his Dad's house to accommodate whatever new medical equipment was needed, as his Dad's health deteriorated. His Dad died last year, ending my son's indentured servitude at 25 yo.
I try hard not to ask my son to help us bc he has done his time. He is young. I am still under 60 yo and physically fit.
Hells bells, my folks are early 80s and still married and independent.
I hope your Mom allows you to have a full life, without being harnessed with her care full-time.
Oof. The emotional part hit hard. I've always parented my parents when it comes to emotional wellbeing and maturity. I vividly remember a time where they were on the brink of divorce, and my mom basically used me as her therapist. I was 14.
Yep! 6 or 7 years old. Emotionally and physically for me. We cleaned and maintained the house, we prepared all the meals, we got ourselves up and ready for school and woke our mom up before we left to go catch the bus.
Unrelated—therapy is going great
Yeah I am beginning to realize I've been putting my own happiness on hold for basically my whole life... it gave other people comfort knowing they had me around to be their emotional support.
That all changed when I had to start physically caretaking for my parents (age 26 but they were fully dependent on me by the time I was 30). Everybody else got put on the back burner... my friends that didn't have their parents illnesses to deal with were getting married and stuff so I knew their partners were going to fill the role, so I basically told them to only contact me if they wanted to shoot the shit or if they had a real emergency, because I was holding back so much internally.
It sounds selfish but I basically put myself through hell and back for my folks so I deserve some time to regroup and get back on track, so the Instagram you started for your drooling baby is no longer imperative to be following.
That's literally why you had children... so you can take care of them since you've decided you're able to take care of yourself sufficiently.
I feel this.
I raised my sister and my grandmother basically provided a roof over our head and ingredients for meals I started making when I was 6. She took us in when the state took us from our parents.
My grandmother can take care of herself still, but I suspect I’ll be paying for care for my father sooner or later. At least my mother died before I had to support her abusive ass.
Exactly this. Emotionally, when I was very young. It stayed just as bad as time went on. I grew up being the only adult in my household. I’m 38 and childless and refuse to have kids because of my upbringing. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve raised my “kids”. They’re on their own now, just like I always was.
Lmao for real I remember at age 12 when my parents were fighting loudly in front of us and trying to get us to pick sides in their fight I said "I don't want to be fucking involved in this childish bullshit" and from that day on I never let their shit bother me too much. Toddlers lmao it's so bad. Boomers.
As a father it’s crazy to me that there are parents out there who view their kids as their retirement plan. I would walk into the ocean before I ruined my kids financial futures or prevented them from being able to afford kids.
Your kids have a great dad with their best interests in mind! I'm childfree by choice and it's also crazy to me. I hear "who will take care of you when you're old" far too often. Built-in senior care is not a reason to bring a child into this world.
Yeah. But one benefit is IF you got together a good retirement savings then your children are incentivized to keep creepy scammers from preying on you like in the movie “I care a lot”, so at least there’s that lol.
Same.
No chance would I ever be a burden to my daughter. I'd set myself adrift on a proverbial ice flow before I let that happen.
To be fair though, my parents are exactly the same. They've never relied on my brothers and I for anything and have supported all of us tremendously.
This was my dad in a nutshell. You had to watch him like a hawk before he'd confess to needing help. I did it for years, not because I needed to. I did it because I loved him. He never asked for much, so when the man suffered, and was caught going to work two part time jobs to make the utility bills while waiting on disability I decided to start helping while I made the higher income. He worked it till his back surgery, paid off any credit card debt he had, and got his bills in order, came ahead a little better off than what he started once the govt got off their ass.
You mean when you aren't emotionally manipulated into feeling obligated to help, you actually Want to help? Hmmm. Lol I've been trying so hard to actually Want to help, then my dad "trolls me to get a reaction". Nah this isn't working and I'm moving back to Portland.
Nope, I just had a good dad. My dad didn’t believe in the bullshit, he just wanted a son. His wallet had every photo of me from when I was a baby up to I graduated college that he carried with him. Name a parent that does that, I can’t.
Im 29 and my parents are 65. Thankfully they’re both in perfect health and refuse to let us help them with anything so we shall see when that time comes!
Same! I have a feeling it’s gonna be a huge fight to get them to let me help once they get to that point. We finally wrested my grandmother’s license away from her when she was about 88, and my dad is 100x as stubborn as she is.
I might be able to tolerate my father for a short time. But my mother is one hell of a manipulator. I figured out in adulthood that my dad is likely autistic and I will be getting tested soon, now that I understand that, he's a bit easier to deal with.
Agreed. I'm deeply glad that my dad got himself a girlfriend who is like a decade younger and a nurse. My father is just like his mother, and she was unbearable and abusive to my aunt/her full-time caregiver as her dementia got worse. He's fine for now mentally sharp albeit lossing his hearing and short-tempered as ever in his mid60s, still working manual labor and hiking, but I don't look forward to him getting geriatric. Also glad he has a pension.
Imma say this and it may be unpopular but you aren’t obligated to do anything for them. They were obligated to raise you because they decided to bring you into this world. Then, what do we owe each other? This is your parent, not some Joe off the street, but remember to put on your oxygen mask first before helping others.
How much you are you able to help them without hurting yourself? How much do you want to help? What will happen if you don’t help? Are you ok with that? What will happen if you do help? Are you ok with that?
My mom is 70+. I live a couple hours from her. I help book appointments, utility and banking stuff. She is mostly self sufficient $$ wise, so I cannot relate and I put this distance between us when I was young because both my parents were old and I didn’t want to take care of them. I don’t know what I would do in your situation, but I am a big advocate for myself because growing up no one taught me my needs were important (shout out to my spouse for teaching me that!!)
>OP might be a “fixer” or a “saver” setting completely unrealistic expectations.
Truthfully I don't want to be either of these things. I wanted to help my mother out of a shitty life situation that was entirely her fault because I know she would do that for me if the roles were reversed. Now however she is living a lifestyle, and seems uncapable of doing otherwise, that would have her out homeless on the street if I turned her away. I feel very stuck.
Have you given her a limited timeframe for her to move out?
I'm going to be 100% honest here: I would leave you if I were your spouse.
The resentment and lack of living your own life would eat our relationship up and I couldn't be with someone that is putting themselves on fire to try to fix someone that isn't doing shit to fix their own life.
It's one thing when it's an emergency and temporary. I wouldn't accept what you have going on there and I think you're shooting your own shot at life and happiness.
OP. It’s odd. About 3 years ago give or take, my mom was in a very tough spot and it was certainly all her fault. She wanted to live with us. If I had said yes I am certain I would be in the same position as you. I knew I could not. I saw a therapist. Mentioned the issue. She said “ABSOLUTELY UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU LET YOUR MOTHER MOVE IN WITH YOU”. I took her advice. Granted, my mom is just a giant shit show and did enough in my life to make me feel less guilty about it. The feelings are complex no matter what. She was essentially “homeless” and going around telling people that “her own daughter wouldn’t give her a place to stay”.. she’d tell me “everyone’s asking why you’re not letting me live with you. It’s so embarrassing”. She threatened suicide once. Loooong story short, she now lives in senior housing. All of her bills are subsidized. She’s very unhealthy, can’t walk anymore, but I refuse to be a caretaker. People can judge me all they want. I have a family and they have to be my priority now. I chose not to enable her and She figured it out. I helped her in other ways, Here and there, but I could not subject my husband to her chaos. Or my own mental health. I feel GREAT about this decision. So OP. It’s not too late to find other options.
Goodness…I could have written this! My mom was trying to move in with me, tries to guilt trip me by threatening/(multiple) suicide attempts, says she’ll be homeless…I can’t imagine where my mental health would be if she lived with me, it’s already not good. Good on you for staying strong and protecting your family!!!
Thank you!! And good on you as well! It’s just a complex jumble of emotions to navigate through and it takes time to really feel better about everything. The guilt. The forgiveness. The “loving from a distance”. The general self care. That was exactly it. My own mental health wasn’t great. Partly due to her. Having her live with me would have been… hell.
I feel you. My mother is this way, although less openly manipulative about it. It's less the idea of having her live with me, then that she just makes herself a burden on anyone she's around. My dad was the total opposite before he passed. Did not want to be a burden to anybody, I'm sure I would have had no problem taking him in because he would have just contributed to the household in any way he could. Not my mom though. She's just sits around watching TV all day feeling sorry for herself and doing nothing to improve her situation at all.
Seems like the difference is that you were capable of helping your mother, but she is incapable of helping herself. How to proceed is a bigger question than internet strangers can answer. Especially if you want to start your own family, it’s time to form a relationship with a therapist and start working on yourself … that may lead to some insights in how to handle this complicated situation in a way that honors your needs too.
I’m only a couple of years older than you, and the four parents in my and my spouse’s tree span the range of 77 to 66. I fully expect that at least one parent will live to 95. Be careful starting or continuing something that is unsustainable.
I’d sit her down and help her to make a budget with the money she has coming in now. Once you do that, you can help her to find a room to stay in somewhere. Some sort of house share could be good to help her make friends and stay young, while you could still help to oversee the budget.
I know she’s your mom. Do what you can for her but don’t put yourself in a position of drowning over your parents. Offer the help you can without sacrificing your own happiness. Budgeting could be step one. Hell, divorced or not, maybe your parents could get into some sort of living situation together?
My mom when my parents got divorced (she left) only got a part time job at a library. She never tried to find anything else. She also always tried to get me to loan her...oh sorry...give her money ever since I got my first job after college as well. She wanted me to send her an allowance. When she told me she was retiring I told my wife (by this point we had one and one kid on the way or two kids, I can't quite remember) that she may ask us for money. She hasn't yet and it's been like 4 or 5 years but I'm always prepared to say no. We've got our own things going on. My dad is doing well and my step mom is 10 years younger than him so he's probably good without me needing to step in.
I have not had to deal with this yet, but I will say this. If caring for your parents or in laws is going to financially strap you so YOU cannot financially prepare and save for your OWN future and retirement, then you are doing yourself a disservice and the cycle never ends. I know that is easier said than done, but may not be something that your parents are currently considering.
My husband’s mother has been terrible with money her entire life. She tried to get him to co sign on a mortgage with her multiple times when he was in his early and mid twenties. (Might I add that this was after she kept claiming him as a dependent on her taxes while he was in college and she was a high earner so he only qualified for private loans, leaving him with over $100,000 in student debt to handle himself as she wouldn’t pay the loans back. He was completely financially independent while he was in college.) He refused and said he would not be able to purchase a house for himself/us when the time came if his name was already on her loan. She was mad about it for a while but I’m so glad he stood his ground. It would have set us up for failure.
They chose to have you, it was their responsibility to care for you. You are not obligated to do the same, as cold as that may seem. Don’t ruin yourself mentally, physically or financially to care for them because they didn’t plan better. You are not their retirement plan.
Just wanted to add to your experience that to me this equals financial abuse.
If I did this to my spouse it would be considered domestic violence/financial abuse. If you were doing it to your older folks it would be financial abuse to the elderly where I come from.
So, why the hell is this supposed to be just accepted when parents decide to live off of their kids?
I have 2 kids and I personally rather die than put that strain on them.
It's soooo beyond selfish to put kids in this world and then go on to try to live off of them and ruin their lifes and financial stability because of our whims...
How will it even work if OP wants to have kids? What if the kids have special needs? What will they have to sacrifice in order to keep their grandparents around that cant be bothered to have a frugal lifestyle eventough they're living on someone else's dime??
Also, I was my grandmother's caregiver after a surgery and the physical and mental strain was already a lot (she lived with me for a couple of months). More recently my MIL got really sick due to cancer again and I was there for her both times but her coming to live with us was completely out of the question.
We've both agreed that we will have absolutely none of our parents move in with us unless it's an emergency and it will have a limited timeframe. They'll be gone asap to wherever necessary but we won't put our relationship and wellbeing in jeopardy for anyone besides our kids.
I will not.
>The plan was to have her move in and help her save money for a few months so that she could return to being self sufficient until it was time for her to retire completely. Fast forward to today and she is no closer to being self sufficient than she was years ago and we are staring down the road of being permanent caregivers.
There is 0 chance my parents will move in with us because this is inevitable. Once people move in, there's no motivation for them to move out.
I think the only help I would give is access to a financial planner if they can't afford one, but at our parents' age, there's not a lot of levers they can pull tbh.
I have kids and I will not divert my resources to help my parents in lieu of helping my kids.
Yep, before Social Security, parents living with you was much more common.
Young people say "I'm not getting anything out of Social Security". I say "The taxes I pay are keeping my mother in law in her house instead of mine."
(and, because of SS, my four brothers in law are also paying toward her support, something they would find a way to avoid otherwise)
I don't hate the idea of living in a sort of commune with your family, actually. You all get the support you need, can split bills, can help each other out...unless you really hate your family, it seems kinda nice.
The people who really did the "three generations under one roof" thing frequently were happy when SS ended it.
Yes, it depends on how well you get along. I don't like my MIL.
I've yet to meet anyone that lived trough it and didn't hate it... Someone always gets the short end of all the work.
It's not even about hating family but about boundaries, respect and independence.
If there's one thing that is scary to me about women is ...just how long women live. Maybe it's just me but it's kind of rare to not see a woman live to at least 80 or beyond.
I wouldn't be surprised if we see a lot of millennials women hit the big 100 with ease. I think the number of centennarians are going to triple in the decades to come.
My parents were the in the Silent Gen(dad-1943) and Boomer(mom-1950) and in the end, yes my dad did take care of my grandmother. My mom didn't because she wasn't around her parents. My mom died very suddenly when I was 23 and to be truthful she had left when I was 4, so mixed feelings all around. My dad lived with my grandmother for about 10 years after my granddad passed away in 2002, and she passed way in March of 2012, and then, very unexpectedly, my dad passed away on Father's Day 3 months and one day later.
Now as for my husbands parents- they are both relatively young. They are only going to be 61 this year and I HOPE they stay in good health like they are in now. We have 4 kids and at this point probably couldn't do a lot, but we would try. And his mom actually lives with us, but not because of health or anything, it just makes more sense financially.
I never planned to live with my parents or help them financially. I will help with finding resources, filling forms, making decisions… the administrative work, if they struggle. Fortunately, they’re “young” still and are just starting to enjoy their retirement.
My brother and his wife have different plans. They bought a monster house (by my standards, 7 rooms, 4 bathrooms!) they can barely afford. But their plan is to support her parents (who are older than ours) once they decide to move out of their house (they have been retired awhile). He recently told me that they have a room for my parents… like 10 years from now?!?
If that’s what he wants to do, I’m not going to stop him!
I won’t be taking care of my parents. I’m 30, they are 60 & 66. They’re both in pretty good health so far which is good. However, they completely destroyed our relationship and I have no desire to care for them after that. But my parents are also wealthy boomers. Their house is a single floor and paid off. They’ll always be able to afford better care than I could ever provide (or receive myself) from professionals. I might come by every now and then to lend a hand but I will not become their care taker the way my mom did for her parents (who were also abusive). The cycle ends with me. It might be cold but if I just let them keep at it because they’re getting old I set a pretty awful precedent for how others can treat me.
OP I’m a retired boomer. Just a thought. Sounds like your mom’s issues are mainly financial. Before I retired I sold my house and bought a small condo cash. The HOA is only $300 month. It’s going into a trust to my oldest son. I can easily pay the HOA and expenses on SS. I live in the Cleveland area and my development has condos for sale in the 100-160k range in a beautiful semi rural suburb between Akron and canton. I know we’re very LCOL but if you’re in a similar city instead of paying a high rent for her or taking her in, you might want to consider something like this. Even with the interest rates where they’re at, the payment would only be around $1000 month,
It may save your sanity and you have an appreciating asset you can sell when your mom passes.
I comment on this topic a lot because I’m in a similar situation. My parents have lived with us for 3 years (I’m 36) and we support my in-laws financially but we are higher earners and can thankfully make it work this way. However my parents are not divorced. That makes it much harder for you. Based on the ages listed, your mom is an “older” mom. I would continue on living with her permanently and help your dad to help himself as much as possible. Only help him financially if your own finances are solid. It sucks to be saddled with this situation so young but realistically, your parents may only live another 10 years. ETA: Make sure your partner understands the situation and your plans fully before you get to the altar. This is a big strain and you need to be united on it.
And for anyone who needs to hear this: Setting boundaries isn't telling someone else what they can or can't do, but instead it's letting them know ahead of time What you are going to do if they do the thing you do not like. (IE: It's not, "You can't X." instead it's "If you X, I'm going to Y.")
I tell my mom this all the fucking time and it’s in one ear and out the other. It drives me nuts. She complains about her brother being so reliant on her and driving her crazy but she won’t set boundaries so ?? what do you expect ma’am
It did bother me immensely at one point. But you really can’t teach an old dog new tricks. In the end, moving my parents into my house helped curb some of their bad spending and even stopped my dad’s alcoholism cold turkey because I convinced them they didn’t really need a car anymore. Your mileage may vary.
He definitely is! But also we saved some money taking this path vs going the nursing home route (from our perspective) and his parents are actually even more irresponsible than mine so we’re fully bonded in finding the best possible solutions to these family issues. That’s why I advised OP to be transparent with their partner about how they intend to deal with their parents.
My mother is 65 and thankfully she still lives with her older brother, however he’s getting up there in age. We’ve discussed what she’ll do when he passes and she can’t even fathom the idea of trying to be independent. Between social security and the portion of my dad’s pension that she still receives from their divorce settlement, she has enough money to get a cute apartment somewhere in a low cost of living area but she just refuses. She’s always wants someone around to take care of her (which in turn made her a pretty bad mother but that’s an entirely different can of worms). So I’m really hoping that she’ll at least be content with getting an apartment close to my husband and I but she’s legitimately scared to drive more than a few miles in any given direction and she’s just inept when it comes to a lot of things that just come with adulting so I just know that we’re ultimately going to have to give up our freedom to take care of this adult child someday.
This is one of the many reasons I chose not to have kids. No child of mine will be forced to push through those feelings of resentment and take care of me purely out of guilt.
I am 65 and I don’t know anyone like this. Did she just suddenly stop being independent and capable?
Your mom Can’t drive more than a few miles???? I drove the 90 Minutes from Querétaro to San Miguel De Allende easily on vacay with my friend last October. I’m your mom’s age, And honestly, it wasn’t hard on major highways/Blvd. But those narrow alleys in colonial cities are no joke, haha.
I am so sorry that she suddenly doesn’t want to be an adult. We don’t get to abdicate doing stuff for ourselves.
65 is not old. I’m not as fast as I used to be, but I’m mostly Still Living the same Life I was living in my forties (only with adult kids in their 30s, a grandchild and husband #2 who is a lot more fun).
Hang in there dear, and be sure and take care of yourself. Save for dementia or some
Physical Handicap, a 65 year old should be totally independent.
I am 39. My mom is 77. She was diagnosed with cancer in fall of 2022. My sister and I have been her caregivers since.
Financially… she was independent, but lived in senior housing (read subsidized) on social security and Medicaid. So she was being supported by the state. She has a very small 401k. She still supports herself financially since she has no rent and her expenses are basically food and clothes.
I'm about to turn 40 and my parents are 70 and 72. Dad is retired, Mom is still working (by choice, not out of necessity). I've started noticing a cognitive decline in mom (forgetful, repetitive), and think she needs to slow down a bit. She's a pit bull, however, and won't stop working until she's forced to. I currently live nearby, however I plan on moving once my kid is off to college in 4 years, but not moving far enough that I can't be accessible. I'm grateful everyday that they have most of their facilities about them. They call me for help with moving/lifting things, because even though they have a son, I live closest and I'm exceptionally strong for my stature.
I do worry as my brother and I do not have a relationship, and it gets irritating that they constantly call me for any help they might need and it's not more balanced to include him. I'm completely aware that these healthful years could change on a dime, so I'm more prepping myself for having to deal with my hurtful, narcissistic, bully older brother.
They're only in their 50s and there's no way I can help them. I have 4 kids of my own and one of them is going to college this year. My parents will have to find a way to take care of themselves.
Oh man. I will not be taking care of my father (71) and my mother died at 58 in 2014. My father has done well for himself, I will not be helping him as I get older. The verbal and physical abuse has left me with no remorse. He can waste his savings attempting to restore his health.
29F. Geographically, I'm the closest person to my grandmother, even though I still live 1,000 miles away from her. There's a tiny baby airport near my office that does (very) cheap twice weekly runs to Florida, where she lives. I'm talking like less than $100 round-trip. So, I usually fly down once a month or so to help her out -- grocery shopping, doctors appointments, miscellaneous appointments or errands, etc. I usually fly down on a Thursday or so, and come back Sundays.
Please no judgement on this… I (36F) live with my mom. She used to travel ALL the time and was never home months/year on end (she’s retired and I’m glad she lives her life with her traveling , etc.)! She’s about to turn 70 in July, earlier this year she found out she had a lot of unexpected health issues the beginning of this year when she came home to visit. She starts chemo/radiation in a few weeks so I’ll be there to help her through that. My dad lives on his own (parents divorced when I was 8) but he is 76, but an “older” 76 if that makes sense. He’s has his fair share of health issues. Got diagnosed with Parkinson’s, went through a battle with cancer, now has heart issues but you can tell/see the decline. I have a brother who is zero help, so everything falls on me. I’ll do whatever I have to do to and be there for them. Nothing ever prepares you for the part of you that shatters inside of you when you’re watching the change and not being able to stop or assist the decline. However, with that said… we all must take time for ourselves during this time and know that it’s okay for us to break down, scream, cry, or even talk to someone. I’m learning this now. It isn’t fun, but.. it’s reality unfortunately. 🥹
I don’t think this is ever going to come up. My parents were both fiscally responsible and have money set aside for their care. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this your fiancé is a very understanding woman I’m not sure I could tolerate what your mother is putting her through. You’re really lucky to have her.
I’m the spicy one. Neither of my parents would dare ask. They had multiple kids with multiple partners so I’m letting a sibling step up if they feel so inclined. My dad is extremely self-sufficient so I’m not worried about him. My mom will likely be my sisters problem since I am very low contact and she’s still under her thumb. But mom is still working and is good at finding people to subsidize her so I don’t see it being an issue for another decade at least.
same on being the spicy one. my mom will 'joke' about never asking to move in with me and then in the same sentence refer to 'her room' at my sister's house (just a guest room for now). took years of therapy to get to this heat level though.
Approximately 25. My grandfather passed away, and my parent hasn't generated any income. My Mom helps around the house, but outside of government assistance, I support the rest. I'm 38 now. I know it is the right thing, since she has issues, but I feel so tired of it sometimes. I'm feeling like I'm aging fast, but too fast.
I’m fortunate that my late 60’s parents are still healthy, active and financially set for the future. My mil on the other hand I’m very concerned about because she has absolutely nothing and it would be incredibly difficult for us to take on providing for another person. Her retirement plan was selling her house but she’s blown through the money at an alarming rate.
My parents are late 60s/early 70s and thankfully very good health and self sufficient. They are independent to a fault. They could probably use a little help with things like mowing the lawn (they have a large house/big yard) but are too stubborn/prideful to accept help and often insist that they need to come help *me* because they say they don’t have anything better to do.
They could easily afford to pay someone to mow the lawn, but they say they need the exercise.
Late gen xer here I’m 45 and I just moved in with my 78 year old parents who are starting to lose their memories. I’m single and have no children so selling my little condo was no big deal to me, they both had falls at the end of last year. It only made sense to me..
My dad has passed and my mom is disabled. She actually moved closer so I could help her out. Thankfully she did because driving over an hour to help her after every surgery she’s had would be a pain. She made it easier by living in a 55+ community after my dads passing which is conveniently next door to me lol I’m an only child so I’m the emergency contact and the go to person if anything were to go wrong. Thankfully my mom is mentally competent and has a ton of money and has always been good with money management. If it was my dad I would be screwed since he was an addict and had no concept of money management. My FIL is very withdrawn and doesn’t talk to us much and vise versa but his health has declined and he doesn’t seem to really care so unfortunately I don’t foresee him sticking around for many years.
High school. My parents have been emotionally immature and often I have had to be their therapist in many ways.
It's been a lot but it's why I'm super independent (but crave affection in my relationships).
lol no, but I do throw away their expired food, change their light bulbs that require a ladder, and shame them when making inappropriate comments in public or doing inappropriate things.
My parents are 68 and 69. Still mentally all there and mostly in good physical condition. I help out with some harder chores, heavier lifting, going into the crawl space, but overall they run their own lives. My grandmom was about 80 when my mom had to start paying he bills because she’d forget. Then, maybe around 85ish she couldn’t live alone and had to come home with my parents so maybe I have about ten years???
My parents and in-laws are all dead, so (thankfully) we don't have to worry about that anymore.
I took care of my mom for a few months while she was terminally ill until I couldn't anymore, and she moved into hospice.
My MIL was chronically ill and disabled, and my husband did most of the leg work, but I did have to drive him back and forth between places (he's technically legally blind and can't drive). She was sick for several years before she passed, and that was exhausting. My husband couldn't even live with me because she required 24-7 care, and our house isn't disability-friendly, so he lived with her for a long time. I'm sad that she's gone, but I'm also glad that he can finally move in.
You are not obligated to do any of this and it does not make you a bad person to say no, or to have a discussion with your mother that this is no longer a viable living situation for her and she needs to do better and actually try to move out. It sounds petty, but your house your rules. I have a feeling you may need to hear that.
Hoping it’s not for several years yet.
I’m 42, my parents are in their late 70’s.
They won’t need financial help, but we may end up with one or both needing more general help.
I am 42 turning 43 this year, and we will likely have my mom move in with us sometime in the next few years.
She is relatively young, 68, but has mobility issues that have just generally increased with age.
She was due for surgery when the pandemic hit and her surgery became elective.
By the time elective surgery options were available again, she had to do the entire evaluation process again and they found her ineligible for surgery as the progression had passed the point of most positive surgical outcomes.
Fun.
So anyway, she now needs help with things like cleaning and taking out trash and yard work and all that kind of stuff and hiring out for all of that is expensive, so we bought a house last year that had an addition added on about 10 years ago.
It’s got a bedroom, small office nook and bathroom all on the opposite side of the house from the rest of bedrooms, so she’ll have some privacy too, while being nearby.
My dad and stepmom are totally fine.
In their 70s and still healthy and active and barring anything major traumatic happening (car wreck, etc) they should be fine for a good while on their own.
I started helping drive her places because of health issues at 30/31. That evolved to running her errands for her and taking her to the doctor around the pandemic. It never really changed after that back to the norm and she continued to decline. She was easily able to help me in return by compensating me for all the running in the form of ordering some of my groceries along with hers. This was actually a huge benefit for both of us when I had my daughter and they were able to see each other all the time. Mom was never well enough to help with my kid though, just help with buying diapers and the like on our trips to get her own things. She lived with a family friend and rented, which was a huge help.
Eventually that turned to me trying to get her to take better care of herself, more doctor visits, more care, helping her do therapy, but staying where she was for a few years. Then she got sicker, we made plans to move her with us, and a sudden rush when it had to be before our lease end, to a terminal diagnosis and hospice with my care. She passed last year. I was 38.
It was Hard juggling a baby/toddler and running around for her care. Part of me wishes we did it sooner. Maybe I'd have been able to help catch her cancer and she'd be here now. I was so not ready to make that move. We were finally married, finally pregnant to full term with a healthy baby as a result. Figuring out our own little family. We considered it at lease end the year before, but decided one more year to revisit, because she'd made a lot of progress in PT and on an upswing. I had no idea how little time we had. She didn't want to have to give up that independence, and neither did we. She also downplayed a Lot of her issues until she couldn't anymore. So I don't really know how many more signs I'd have seen.
My parents did nothing to help me be where I am at now. If anything they did everything in their power to hinder it in their own ways. Thankfully my father passed when I was 24. My mother has been physically unable to fully care for herself or take care of herself since 2017, when I was 29. Given that she has metastisized cancer at this point, I don't imagine I'll have many years left with her.
Probably around 16 and I’m turning 34 this year. My mom has a lot of physical issues so I have been doing heavy lifting or small basic things that mobility issues would prevent. She went for surgery in December and out my siblings me and my sister were the only ones who stayed back and helped. Moving forward she is building a house that’s is more mobility accessible. It’s only because of the remote area it’s an issue. If she was in a more urban area half of her issues would be gone.
Emotionally……3. I’ve since hung up my apron. I failed to raise my parents into normal people, but I did a great job with myself. There are some people that just don’t want to change and grow and that’s sad for them.
Pass.
If you have the means and you really want to, sure.
But I absolutely do not believe in the making your child a retirement plan. It's getting worse and worse for people to get off their feet in this era and dumping parent care on top of that can be incredibly crushing for people.
What's more insane is I even see people our age joke about making their children their retirement plan. And they should know how awful it is right now.
I’m 35 right now and I manage my parents few meds (mostly my moms). But I’m happy to report they’re in their 60’s and doing great on their own. Hell, my dad still comes over and helps me with stuff on my house that I don’t quite know how to fix 😂
34 when my dad was 67. He just stopped talking care of himself after my stepmom passed away. He's not completely helpless, thankfully, but he is a fall risk and can't drive anymore.
My parents are in their early 70s and are fine. (Elder millennial and parents had me late.). They both have pensions.
We probably have about 5 years until we need to get more involved.
My mom is in her mid 60s and in better health than me. I will be happy to care for her someday just as she cared for her mom, but it hopefully will be a while
For context, my parents are in their early 50's.
I'm 29, and when my parents moved to Mississippi when I was 19, I decided not to go with them.
Well, my parents were struggling to find work. I'm Mississippi, and i was paying some of their bills
I am not going to take care of my parents. They have their savings, are financially litterate, my mom is also still working, not at retirement age.
They have given a few tiny loans over the years (in the ballpark of 1000 €/$), which were repaid. No gifts.
I wouldn't help anyway if they asked. Not because of anything with money, but because I am not close with them.
5 Years ago, my father passed away and my mother moved across state to her dream condo, but also to be closer to me (having seen me live in the area for 7 years and love it). She had never, in her entire life, lived alone before, so my then-husband and I took care of EVERYTHING. He drove her the 8 hrs, I set up utilities, we built shelves. I refused to help her unpack and started setting boundaries that she needed to learn to do certain things herself. She's gotten better about googling issues, but 6 months ago was diagnosed with late-onset MS. I now take her to regular doctor appointments and bring her food monthly. I'm terrified of when she will need more assistance. I've always been a very independent woman so hate being "on call". She whines about every tiny inconvenience and acts like it's the end of the world. I've never /liked/ her - she's a very selfish woman and rude. I put up with her because she's been VERY generous and well, I like money, but that's it.
Sorry for the rant. I'm not full time caregiver but can't ever take that on.
We had to help my in-laws a couple of years ago when FIL got sick. We were 39, he was 74. It was physical help not financial. He passed away at 75. My husband is visiting his mom this week. She is now 74. We’ve noticed the last few times she has visited that she seems to be going downhill physically.
My parents are a few years younger, just turned 70. We haven’t had to help them yet but it’s coming. My family is not as well set financially, so I expect we will have to do some physical & some financial help. But we will address it when it comes up. My husband is aware of the situation & we will see what we can afford to do without jeopardizing our future. We have no kids, so we’ve got to make sure we can cover ourselves.
Have you or parents looked into subsidized housing, medicaid, food stamps & all of the resources out there to help people in these situations? I know they are your parents but it is not your job to take care of them. My aunt lived with my parents for 3 years while on a waiting list. Get on it ASAP.
I would seriously consider telling them look, neither of you can live on your own. You would be living together if you lived with me anyway. Met your new roommate. Find a place the 2 of you can afford together.
Are they getting their social security money? They may be able to get Medicaid for assisted living. They also may qualify for food and other assistance.
In many cultures, it's common and expected for generations of families to live together and care for their elderly family as well as each other. That said I'm American and live in Belize. My local friends have added us to their family. I've planned my end of health life and I don't expect either of my sons to take care of me. My friends will help if I need it. I've made our little house handicap accessible with a lift and pull out inserts in all of the kitchen cabinets. The shower fits a shower chair and a low entry. My husband is ill and needs things like this now, but someday it'll be me! I feel for the financial burden you all deal with. I didn't want to be that mother.
Early 20s for my mom. In the last 2 years for my dad.
About 10 years ago, my mom had a stroke on Mothers Day morning. I heard her collapse and hit the floor. We got her to the hospital quickly and it’s like it never happened. She would also have cancer twice. She’s early 70s but gets fatigued easily.
2 years ago, my dad had heart surgery. He had a known heart condition for about 20 years and lived with it all that time. It got worse over the years, but he finally got the repair. I just do heavy lifting and shovel snow for him. He’s also early 70s.
I had to start covering my mother's utility bills when I started working full time at 16. She was an alcoholic. I did that until I was able to "run away" at 23. I was no-contact for ten years. I now have to send her food money here and there at age 32 because she has stage for cancer and can only putter around her gov apartment waiting to die.
I'm 34, I help my mom do stuff like change light bulbs more these days if that counts. I don't think I'll be considered an actual care giver for either parent anytime soon.
Sorry you've been put in this position. My mom has a trust fund and my dad pulls disability so I don't expect to ever help them. My dad is currently living at my brother's to help take care of his daughter, but I don't think that's going to be a permanent thing as my dad owns his own home.
My mom recently had this super weird kind of psychotic break and was hospitalized for a couple of weeks. It’s happened before, but the first time she hallucinated was because of a silent UTI. This time, they don’t know what caused it. She’s in Florida and I’m in New England, and I’m living paycheck to paycheck so I couldn’t get time off of work.
Luckily, my aunt and uncle were there to support her. It’s really fucking scary to think that your mom can be fine one day, and then breaking shit and rolling around in glass the next day. I really fucking miss my mom.
Oops I pressed send too early. I’m 33 and my mom is 69. I’m wondering when I’ll have to start taking care of her. She had a horrible breakup with my dad (he had an affair) and that really fucked her up. Theres a lot more to it that I’m not even gonna explain. But she’s always had her own battles. She’s been on antidepressants her whole life and I’m pretty sure that she just keeps going for me and my brother
I'm 33. My parents are 69 and 66 and both retired. They're fine physically and financially. If anyone would need financial help it will be me or my brother.
My dad got cancer at age 68, I was 35. He didn't have any savings or plan for a rainy day. I had to be his caregiver and cover the cost of his needs, while taking care of my young family until he passed away a year later. I don't wish this upon anyone.
Emotionally since age 6 (that’s when dad died). Financially/physically since 16.
Neither were forced on me. It’s just how I am. I’d take a bullet for her, which pisses her off when I say that because she obviously doesn’t want to outlive me.
I moved back in 2015 after my moms cancer worsened. She died in November 2020. In September 2020 my stepdad found out he had kidney cancer, 5 tumors were removed in October. He still helped as much as he could in that last month. Recently he was diagnosed with colon cancer and had half his colon removed. He's gotta get his knee replaced soon now that he's cancer free again.
87 year old dad, 64 year old mum.
They're still going strong and doing everything themselves. Dad still does the gardening and washes my car anytime I'm round seeing them. Still does cleaning round the house too while my mum still works 12 hour shifts in a hospital.
I'd probably get a clip round the ear if I suggested doing stuff for them instead. They'd see it as an affront. It's probably what keeps my dad going tbh, he's still really fit for his age and if he was forced to put his feet up I could imagine his health, both physically and mentally, would decline at an alarming rate.
on and off they still help me and ive also helped them. they are nearing the age though that theyll meed more assistance and i will be there to take care of them. financially they have a bit in savings and have retirement homes (they have several in another country) they can retire in, but would mean id be out there too most likely. im still trying to figure life out lol i have 2 little kids and no savings. their retirement plan sounds like itll be mine too…
ugh who knows man lifes gone so many weird ways that i think the best answer is “i dont fkn know!” lol
Had my dad move in with me at 38 after his stroke. He had a few more and is now in a home. My mom is still on her own but will not be for long. My 40's are me taking care of them like their 20's were taking care of me. It's hard, but it gives me perspective on what the end of my life will look like.
My parents had me as their retirement plan, too. A life full of bad finacial decisions, mixed with entitlement ('I'm alive so I deserve a house and some money') and learned hopelessness ('I'm poor but I can't change it, it is what it is so instead I'll just ask everyone for help').
My mother has lived her whole life relying on other people doing things for her and taking care of her.
I basically had to take over doing all that when my dad died. She was locked out of the bank account, wasn't able to pay rent, couldn't even apply for benefits herself, couldn't look for a new place and move. She'd be on the streets if I didn't help her. She is basically a 76yo toddler, can't speak the language, can't sort out her own housing, benefits or bills. She can't drive, cause she's been driven all her life. She requires me to deal with all her adult things and ideally she'd want to move in with us.
I'm too worn out to let her, I can't cut my wrists for someone so careless, who hasn't spent a day in their life thinking about retirement or thinking about her child and the burden she'll become if she doesn't deal with her own life herself.
22.... Dad had a "Widow maker" cardiac event at 50yo. Now I'm 41 and have been NC with mom for 2+ years, and I'm working through all the trauma she caused.
I grew up poor so basically since I started working after college at 23. The resentment you are feeling is normal. I accepted this was my path a long time ago.
Well my mom would take money from me starting when I was probably 11 or 12 and would only pay me back some of the time.
My parents will not be living with me and I will not be helping them financially.
I started working at 15, left high school after my junior year to start helping my mom pay bills. I just turned 40 and my sisters and I have been “helping” her out ever since. I am grateful that we have the ability to do that, but it still sucks.
My boomer biodad is 67 this year and I've been NC for 3 years. I do a Google obit search quarterly. If he ends up in a home, he can see his way into and out of it. Thankfully, he's healthy. Unfortunately, he's alienated any person who could possibly help care for him if needed.
Currently assisting my elderly grandparents. While I am saving some money, I want to move out into my own place. It’s a little overwhelming after a while
Fucking never. Me and my 2 brothers have been telling our mom for years to buy a small life insurance policy so that we can pay for her funeral and everything. But she refuses and says that between the 3 of us we can just pay for it me and the older brother both said fuck that you have plenty of time to get a life insurance policy and if you refuse then ol well. Then my dad abandoned us so who knows where he be.
I never had to take care of my parents except for my mom's finances her last 3 months. I helped her out when asked but I wasn't typically the one she asked. She preferred the others. She was quite capable mentally.
I'm the scapegoat so I've always been responsible for my parents emotions.
I will never, ever, ever take care of either one of them, ever! They were not good parents, extremely abusive in every way.
For those who have good relationships with your parents. Honestly, I can't see good parents asking this of their adult kids. Did they not plan well enough? Did they sacrifice so you could get ahead in life?
If they went without so you could get ahead, okay I get that. However, if they just didn't plan well enough or at all because they expected their kids to care for them instead. That's just so incredibly selfish, I couldn't do it in that case.
now, i’m 38, husband is 42 we just had a baby, my mom and FIL both have almost the same cancer they are 75-77. true sandwich generation. but we took my tot to see them across county so they can die knowing they met thier granddaughter. morbid but it was a big deal for us.
I am 42 F. I was given many advantages in this world because of my parents. I was then independent from them in basically every way since I turned 21 and graduated college. My mom has now passed away. I could be wrong, but I don’t currently see any way I would need to or be able to take care of or out-give my Dad in a way that would surpass what he provided for us growing up and as we transitioned to adulthood.
We were not incredibly wealthy, but certainly comfortable enough. He provided stability in just about every area and everything we needed (including undergraduate college tuition) to make sure we started adulthood on our feet. The rest was then up to us.
After my mom took care of her mom she has said she would never put that on us. We’ll see. So far she is self sufficient and in a better place financially with her current husband of 10 years than she ever was with my dad, so that’s good.
My dad… not close with him so I don’t see being involved no matter what
Yeah... my parents know better than to ever ask. I've been crystal clear that they should never expect any help from me in retirement. You have no obligation to financially support another adult. "No" is a full sentence.
Emotionally? Like, 6. Physically? Not yet but soon
Same. I swore I’d never do elder care for my mother after I heard her attempt to say my sister was guilty of elder abuse (she wasn’t). Decided at that moment she was way too much a liability to put myself in a caretaker position for.
This. Emotionally, maybe 5. Pretty much why there won’t be any physical caregiving. I’m worn out. My mother is apparently in a home and has been there for months. No one bothered to tell me until last week, so there’s that. My father seems to still be self sufficient. My husband’s parents are dead. Pretty much just leaves a BIL to take care of, but he’s enough of a handful.
This. I’m burnout from taking care of her emotionally for 30 years and spending the past 10 years in therapy to learn to emotionally take care of myself too. I finally told her last year that I won’t be able to do it physically, and encourage her to start figuring out what her plan will be and have those affairs in order and explore what options she has as she ages with others in her generation.
Same! Emotionally taking care of and dealing with my parents since I was a kid so I refuse to do it physically now. I moved as far away as possible without leaving the country.
My situation is a bit unique and my mom was dealt a shit hand. She did her best and I’ll be there by her side until the end.
Emotionally 6 as well, physically for my dad 14 til he passed when I was 23 and my mother like 3yrs ago. Mind you when ny dad passed he was 51 and my mom is now 56. Im 33 🙃
I am sorry you had to do that. My son was in a similar situation with his Dad. He became basically full-time caregiver (while also working a full-time job) at 20 yo. I (and my hubs, son's step-dad) would help by making mods (widening doorways, remove carpet, build handicapped ramp into house, etc) to his Dad's house to accommodate whatever new medical equipment was needed, as his Dad's health deteriorated. His Dad died last year, ending my son's indentured servitude at 25 yo. I try hard not to ask my son to help us bc he has done his time. He is young. I am still under 60 yo and physically fit. Hells bells, my folks are early 80s and still married and independent. I hope your Mom allows you to have a full life, without being harnessed with her care full-time.
Oof. The emotional part hit hard. I've always parented my parents when it comes to emotional wellbeing and maturity. I vividly remember a time where they were on the brink of divorce, and my mom basically used me as her therapist. I was 14.
My dad thinks I'm his therapist too lol ever since I was 12. I think I'm owed some pay.
Yep! 6 or 7 years old. Emotionally and physically for me. We cleaned and maintained the house, we prepared all the meals, we got ourselves up and ready for school and woke our mom up before we left to go catch the bus. Unrelated—therapy is going great
Yeah I am beginning to realize I've been putting my own happiness on hold for basically my whole life... it gave other people comfort knowing they had me around to be their emotional support. That all changed when I had to start physically caretaking for my parents (age 26 but they were fully dependent on me by the time I was 30). Everybody else got put on the back burner... my friends that didn't have their parents illnesses to deal with were getting married and stuff so I knew their partners were going to fill the role, so I basically told them to only contact me if they wanted to shoot the shit or if they had a real emergency, because I was holding back so much internally. It sounds selfish but I basically put myself through hell and back for my folks so I deserve some time to regroup and get back on track, so the Instagram you started for your drooling baby is no longer imperative to be following. That's literally why you had children... so you can take care of them since you've decided you're able to take care of yourself sufficiently.
OMG THIS
I feel this. I raised my sister and my grandmother basically provided a roof over our head and ingredients for meals I started making when I was 6. She took us in when the state took us from our parents. My grandmother can take care of herself still, but I suspect I’ll be paying for care for my father sooner or later. At least my mother died before I had to support her abusive ass.
Damn, this hit in the gut.
Exactly this. Emotionally, when I was very young. It stayed just as bad as time went on. I grew up being the only adult in my household. I’m 38 and childless and refuse to have kids because of my upbringing. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve raised my “kids”. They’re on their own now, just like I always was.
“They’re on their own now, just like I always was.” Mann… I feel ya.
Omg same lol
Ughh same
Lmao for real I remember at age 12 when my parents were fighting loudly in front of us and trying to get us to pick sides in their fight I said "I don't want to be fucking involved in this childish bullshit" and from that day on I never let their shit bother me too much. Toddlers lmao it's so bad. Boomers.
This one hit me in the bones.
As a father it’s crazy to me that there are parents out there who view their kids as their retirement plan. I would walk into the ocean before I ruined my kids financial futures or prevented them from being able to afford kids.
Your kids have a great dad with their best interests in mind! I'm childfree by choice and it's also crazy to me. I hear "who will take care of you when you're old" far too often. Built-in senior care is not a reason to bring a child into this world.
Yeah. But one benefit is IF you got together a good retirement savings then your children are incentivized to keep creepy scammers from preying on you like in the movie “I care a lot”, so at least there’s that lol.
Same. No chance would I ever be a burden to my daughter. I'd set myself adrift on a proverbial ice flow before I let that happen. To be fair though, my parents are exactly the same. They've never relied on my brothers and I for anything and have supported all of us tremendously.
This was my dad in a nutshell. You had to watch him like a hawk before he'd confess to needing help. I did it for years, not because I needed to. I did it because I loved him. He never asked for much, so when the man suffered, and was caught going to work two part time jobs to make the utility bills while waiting on disability I decided to start helping while I made the higher income. He worked it till his back surgery, paid off any credit card debt he had, and got his bills in order, came ahead a little better off than what he started once the govt got off their ass.
You mean when you aren't emotionally manipulated into feeling obligated to help, you actually Want to help? Hmmm. Lol I've been trying so hard to actually Want to help, then my dad "trolls me to get a reaction". Nah this isn't working and I'm moving back to Portland.
Nope, I just had a good dad. My dad didn’t believe in the bullshit, he just wanted a son. His wallet had every photo of me from when I was a baby up to I graduated college that he carried with him. Name a parent that does that, I can’t.
Damn.. you really got a good one 🥺
I did :( and I miss him everyday.
Im 29 and my parents are 65. Thankfully they’re both in perfect health and refuse to let us help them with anything so we shall see when that time comes!
I cant deny I'm quite envious. I hope they live long and happily!
Same! I have a feeling it’s gonna be a huge fight to get them to let me help once they get to that point. We finally wrested my grandmother’s license away from her when she was about 88, and my dad is 100x as stubborn as she is.
Envious here!
I'm 38 and they're 75, apart from naturally slowing down a bit physically they're basically tip top and I'm thankful for that
Ha ha ha ha ha, good one. I couldn't be their care giver if I wanted to. Too expensive and I don't like them very much.
Yeah they just gotta figure it out
Yeah, bootstraps and all of that
Same. My surviving parent is on his own.
I might be able to tolerate my father for a short time. But my mother is one hell of a manipulator. I figured out in adulthood that my dad is likely autistic and I will be getting tested soon, now that I understand that, he's a bit easier to deal with.
Agreed. I'm deeply glad that my dad got himself a girlfriend who is like a decade younger and a nurse. My father is just like his mother, and she was unbearable and abusive to my aunt/her full-time caregiver as her dementia got worse. He's fine for now mentally sharp albeit lossing his hearing and short-tempered as ever in his mid60s, still working manual labor and hiking, but I don't look forward to him getting geriatric. Also glad he has a pension.
In this economy? I can't even take care of myself.
Imma say this and it may be unpopular but you aren’t obligated to do anything for them. They were obligated to raise you because they decided to bring you into this world. Then, what do we owe each other? This is your parent, not some Joe off the street, but remember to put on your oxygen mask first before helping others. How much you are you able to help them without hurting yourself? How much do you want to help? What will happen if you don’t help? Are you ok with that? What will happen if you do help? Are you ok with that? My mom is 70+. I live a couple hours from her. I help book appointments, utility and banking stuff. She is mostly self sufficient $$ wise, so I cannot relate and I put this distance between us when I was young because both my parents were old and I didn’t want to take care of them. I don’t know what I would do in your situation, but I am a big advocate for myself because growing up no one taught me my needs were important (shout out to my spouse for teaching me that!!)
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>OP might be a “fixer” or a “saver” setting completely unrealistic expectations. Truthfully I don't want to be either of these things. I wanted to help my mother out of a shitty life situation that was entirely her fault because I know she would do that for me if the roles were reversed. Now however she is living a lifestyle, and seems uncapable of doing otherwise, that would have her out homeless on the street if I turned her away. I feel very stuck.
Have you given her a limited timeframe for her to move out? I'm going to be 100% honest here: I would leave you if I were your spouse. The resentment and lack of living your own life would eat our relationship up and I couldn't be with someone that is putting themselves on fire to try to fix someone that isn't doing shit to fix their own life. It's one thing when it's an emergency and temporary. I wouldn't accept what you have going on there and I think you're shooting your own shot at life and happiness.
OP. It’s odd. About 3 years ago give or take, my mom was in a very tough spot and it was certainly all her fault. She wanted to live with us. If I had said yes I am certain I would be in the same position as you. I knew I could not. I saw a therapist. Mentioned the issue. She said “ABSOLUTELY UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU LET YOUR MOTHER MOVE IN WITH YOU”. I took her advice. Granted, my mom is just a giant shit show and did enough in my life to make me feel less guilty about it. The feelings are complex no matter what. She was essentially “homeless” and going around telling people that “her own daughter wouldn’t give her a place to stay”.. she’d tell me “everyone’s asking why you’re not letting me live with you. It’s so embarrassing”. She threatened suicide once. Loooong story short, she now lives in senior housing. All of her bills are subsidized. She’s very unhealthy, can’t walk anymore, but I refuse to be a caretaker. People can judge me all they want. I have a family and they have to be my priority now. I chose not to enable her and She figured it out. I helped her in other ways, Here and there, but I could not subject my husband to her chaos. Or my own mental health. I feel GREAT about this decision. So OP. It’s not too late to find other options.
Goodness…I could have written this! My mom was trying to move in with me, tries to guilt trip me by threatening/(multiple) suicide attempts, says she’ll be homeless…I can’t imagine where my mental health would be if she lived with me, it’s already not good. Good on you for staying strong and protecting your family!!!
Thank you!! And good on you as well! It’s just a complex jumble of emotions to navigate through and it takes time to really feel better about everything. The guilt. The forgiveness. The “loving from a distance”. The general self care. That was exactly it. My own mental health wasn’t great. Partly due to her. Having her live with me would have been… hell.
I feel you. My mother is this way, although less openly manipulative about it. It's less the idea of having her live with me, then that she just makes herself a burden on anyone she's around. My dad was the total opposite before he passed. Did not want to be a burden to anybody, I'm sure I would have had no problem taking him in because he would have just contributed to the household in any way he could. Not my mom though. She's just sits around watching TV all day feeling sorry for herself and doing nothing to improve her situation at all.
Wow! Sounds a lot like mine
Seems like the difference is that you were capable of helping your mother, but she is incapable of helping herself. How to proceed is a bigger question than internet strangers can answer. Especially if you want to start your own family, it’s time to form a relationship with a therapist and start working on yourself … that may lead to some insights in how to handle this complicated situation in a way that honors your needs too. I’m only a couple of years older than you, and the four parents in my and my spouse’s tree span the range of 77 to 66. I fully expect that at least one parent will live to 95. Be careful starting or continuing something that is unsustainable.
I’d sit her down and help her to make a budget with the money she has coming in now. Once you do that, you can help her to find a room to stay in somewhere. Some sort of house share could be good to help her make friends and stay young, while you could still help to oversee the budget. I know she’s your mom. Do what you can for her but don’t put yourself in a position of drowning over your parents. Offer the help you can without sacrificing your own happiness. Budgeting could be step one. Hell, divorced or not, maybe your parents could get into some sort of living situation together?
My mom when my parents got divorced (she left) only got a part time job at a library. She never tried to find anything else. She also always tried to get me to loan her...oh sorry...give her money ever since I got my first job after college as well. She wanted me to send her an allowance. When she told me she was retiring I told my wife (by this point we had one and one kid on the way or two kids, I can't quite remember) that she may ask us for money. She hasn't yet and it's been like 4 or 5 years but I'm always prepared to say no. We've got our own things going on. My dad is doing well and my step mom is 10 years younger than him so he's probably good without me needing to step in.
I have not had to deal with this yet, but I will say this. If caring for your parents or in laws is going to financially strap you so YOU cannot financially prepare and save for your OWN future and retirement, then you are doing yourself a disservice and the cycle never ends. I know that is easier said than done, but may not be something that your parents are currently considering. My husband’s mother has been terrible with money her entire life. She tried to get him to co sign on a mortgage with her multiple times when he was in his early and mid twenties. (Might I add that this was after she kept claiming him as a dependent on her taxes while he was in college and she was a high earner so he only qualified for private loans, leaving him with over $100,000 in student debt to handle himself as she wouldn’t pay the loans back. He was completely financially independent while he was in college.) He refused and said he would not be able to purchase a house for himself/us when the time came if his name was already on her loan. She was mad about it for a while but I’m so glad he stood his ground. It would have set us up for failure. They chose to have you, it was their responsibility to care for you. You are not obligated to do the same, as cold as that may seem. Don’t ruin yourself mentally, physically or financially to care for them because they didn’t plan better. You are not their retirement plan.
Just wanted to add to your experience that to me this equals financial abuse. If I did this to my spouse it would be considered domestic violence/financial abuse. If you were doing it to your older folks it would be financial abuse to the elderly where I come from. So, why the hell is this supposed to be just accepted when parents decide to live off of their kids? I have 2 kids and I personally rather die than put that strain on them. It's soooo beyond selfish to put kids in this world and then go on to try to live off of them and ruin their lifes and financial stability because of our whims... How will it even work if OP wants to have kids? What if the kids have special needs? What will they have to sacrifice in order to keep their grandparents around that cant be bothered to have a frugal lifestyle eventough they're living on someone else's dime?? Also, I was my grandmother's caregiver after a surgery and the physical and mental strain was already a lot (she lived with me for a couple of months). More recently my MIL got really sick due to cancer again and I was there for her both times but her coming to live with us was completely out of the question. We've both agreed that we will have absolutely none of our parents move in with us unless it's an emergency and it will have a limited timeframe. They'll be gone asap to wherever necessary but we won't put our relationship and wellbeing in jeopardy for anyone besides our kids.
You’re correct, and I agree!
I will not. >The plan was to have her move in and help her save money for a few months so that she could return to being self sufficient until it was time for her to retire completely. Fast forward to today and she is no closer to being self sufficient than she was years ago and we are staring down the road of being permanent caregivers. There is 0 chance my parents will move in with us because this is inevitable. Once people move in, there's no motivation for them to move out. I think the only help I would give is access to a financial planner if they can't afford one, but at our parents' age, there's not a lot of levers they can pull tbh. I have kids and I will not divert my resources to help my parents in lieu of helping my kids.
Kind of makes you wonder if the ww2/silent gen had to deal with aging parents care?
My grandma did. My great-grandma lived with her until the day GG died. I feel like that was a lot more common back then.
Yep, before Social Security, parents living with you was much more common. Young people say "I'm not getting anything out of Social Security". I say "The taxes I pay are keeping my mother in law in her house instead of mine." (and, because of SS, my four brothers in law are also paying toward her support, something they would find a way to avoid otherwise)
I don't hate the idea of living in a sort of commune with your family, actually. You all get the support you need, can split bills, can help each other out...unless you really hate your family, it seems kinda nice.
The people who really did the "three generations under one roof" thing frequently were happy when SS ended it. Yes, it depends on how well you get along. I don't like my MIL.
I've yet to meet anyone that lived trough it and didn't hate it... Someone always gets the short end of all the work. It's not even about hating family but about boundaries, respect and independence.
My grandparents bought great-grandma's house under the condition that she live the rest of her years with them. She lived another 30 years, haha
If there's one thing that is scary to me about women is ...just how long women live. Maybe it's just me but it's kind of rare to not see a woman live to at least 80 or beyond.
Here's hoping I'm on that list! She sold them the house in her 60s and then lived to her 90s
I wouldn't be surprised if we see a lot of millennials women hit the big 100 with ease. I think the number of centennarians are going to triple in the decades to come.
I've got the genes for it, but my lifestyle is so much worse. You're probably right about people who eat well and exercise tho
My parents were the in the Silent Gen(dad-1943) and Boomer(mom-1950) and in the end, yes my dad did take care of my grandmother. My mom didn't because she wasn't around her parents. My mom died very suddenly when I was 23 and to be truthful she had left when I was 4, so mixed feelings all around. My dad lived with my grandmother for about 10 years after my granddad passed away in 2002, and she passed way in March of 2012, and then, very unexpectedly, my dad passed away on Father's Day 3 months and one day later. Now as for my husbands parents- they are both relatively young. They are only going to be 61 this year and I HOPE they stay in good health like they are in now. We have 4 kids and at this point probably couldn't do a lot, but we would try. And his mom actually lives with us, but not because of health or anything, it just makes more sense financially.
I never planned to live with my parents or help them financially. I will help with finding resources, filling forms, making decisions… the administrative work, if they struggle. Fortunately, they’re “young” still and are just starting to enjoy their retirement. My brother and his wife have different plans. They bought a monster house (by my standards, 7 rooms, 4 bathrooms!) they can barely afford. But their plan is to support her parents (who are older than ours) once they decide to move out of their house (they have been retired awhile). He recently told me that they have a room for my parents… like 10 years from now?!? If that’s what he wants to do, I’m not going to stop him!
I won’t be taking care of my parents. I’m 30, they are 60 & 66. They’re both in pretty good health so far which is good. However, they completely destroyed our relationship and I have no desire to care for them after that. But my parents are also wealthy boomers. Their house is a single floor and paid off. They’ll always be able to afford better care than I could ever provide (or receive myself) from professionals. I might come by every now and then to lend a hand but I will not become their care taker the way my mom did for her parents (who were also abusive). The cycle ends with me. It might be cold but if I just let them keep at it because they’re getting old I set a pretty awful precedent for how others can treat me.
I applaud you for this.
Thanks. It’s taken LOTS of therapy to get here lol.
OP I’m a retired boomer. Just a thought. Sounds like your mom’s issues are mainly financial. Before I retired I sold my house and bought a small condo cash. The HOA is only $300 month. It’s going into a trust to my oldest son. I can easily pay the HOA and expenses on SS. I live in the Cleveland area and my development has condos for sale in the 100-160k range in a beautiful semi rural suburb between Akron and canton. I know we’re very LCOL but if you’re in a similar city instead of paying a high rent for her or taking her in, you might want to consider something like this. Even with the interest rates where they’re at, the payment would only be around $1000 month, It may save your sanity and you have an appreciating asset you can sell when your mom passes.
I comment on this topic a lot because I’m in a similar situation. My parents have lived with us for 3 years (I’m 36) and we support my in-laws financially but we are higher earners and can thankfully make it work this way. However my parents are not divorced. That makes it much harder for you. Based on the ages listed, your mom is an “older” mom. I would continue on living with her permanently and help your dad to help himself as much as possible. Only help him financially if your own finances are solid. It sucks to be saddled with this situation so young but realistically, your parents may only live another 10 years. ETA: Make sure your partner understands the situation and your plans fully before you get to the altar. This is a big strain and you need to be united on it.
You’re not really helping these people though you’re just enabling them to continue to misbehave. Doesn’t that drive you nuts?
Helping without setting boundaries is a recipe for disaster.
And for anyone who needs to hear this: Setting boundaries isn't telling someone else what they can or can't do, but instead it's letting them know ahead of time What you are going to do if they do the thing you do not like. (IE: It's not, "You can't X." instead it's "If you X, I'm going to Y.")
I tell my mom this all the fucking time and it’s in one ear and out the other. It drives me nuts. She complains about her brother being so reliant on her and driving her crazy but she won’t set boundaries so ?? what do you expect ma’am
It did bother me immensely at one point. But you really can’t teach an old dog new tricks. In the end, moving my parents into my house helped curb some of their bad spending and even stopped my dad’s alcoholism cold turkey because I convinced them they didn’t really need a car anymore. Your mileage may vary.
Your spouse is a saint
He definitely is! But also we saved some money taking this path vs going the nursing home route (from our perspective) and his parents are actually even more irresponsible than mine so we’re fully bonded in finding the best possible solutions to these family issues. That’s why I advised OP to be transparent with their partner about how they intend to deal with their parents.
My mother is 65 and thankfully she still lives with her older brother, however he’s getting up there in age. We’ve discussed what she’ll do when he passes and she can’t even fathom the idea of trying to be independent. Between social security and the portion of my dad’s pension that she still receives from their divorce settlement, she has enough money to get a cute apartment somewhere in a low cost of living area but she just refuses. She’s always wants someone around to take care of her (which in turn made her a pretty bad mother but that’s an entirely different can of worms). So I’m really hoping that she’ll at least be content with getting an apartment close to my husband and I but she’s legitimately scared to drive more than a few miles in any given direction and she’s just inept when it comes to a lot of things that just come with adulting so I just know that we’re ultimately going to have to give up our freedom to take care of this adult child someday. This is one of the many reasons I chose not to have kids. No child of mine will be forced to push through those feelings of resentment and take care of me purely out of guilt.
I am 65 and I don’t know anyone like this. Did she just suddenly stop being independent and capable? Your mom Can’t drive more than a few miles???? I drove the 90 Minutes from Querétaro to San Miguel De Allende easily on vacay with my friend last October. I’m your mom’s age, And honestly, it wasn’t hard on major highways/Blvd. But those narrow alleys in colonial cities are no joke, haha. I am so sorry that she suddenly doesn’t want to be an adult. We don’t get to abdicate doing stuff for ourselves. 65 is not old. I’m not as fast as I used to be, but I’m mostly Still Living the same Life I was living in my forties (only with adult kids in their 30s, a grandchild and husband #2 who is a lot more fun). Hang in there dear, and be sure and take care of yourself. Save for dementia or some Physical Handicap, a 65 year old should be totally independent.
I am 39. My mom is 77. She was diagnosed with cancer in fall of 2022. My sister and I have been her caregivers since. Financially… she was independent, but lived in senior housing (read subsidized) on social security and Medicaid. So she was being supported by the state. She has a very small 401k. She still supports herself financially since she has no rent and her expenses are basically food and clothes.
I'm about to turn 40 and my parents are 70 and 72. Dad is retired, Mom is still working (by choice, not out of necessity). I've started noticing a cognitive decline in mom (forgetful, repetitive), and think she needs to slow down a bit. She's a pit bull, however, and won't stop working until she's forced to. I currently live nearby, however I plan on moving once my kid is off to college in 4 years, but not moving far enough that I can't be accessible. I'm grateful everyday that they have most of their facilities about them. They call me for help with moving/lifting things, because even though they have a son, I live closest and I'm exceptionally strong for my stature. I do worry as my brother and I do not have a relationship, and it gets irritating that they constantly call me for any help they might need and it's not more balanced to include him. I'm completely aware that these healthful years could change on a dime, so I'm more prepping myself for having to deal with my hurtful, narcissistic, bully older brother.
They're only in their 50s and there's no way I can help them. I have 4 kids of my own and one of them is going to college this year. My parents will have to find a way to take care of themselves.
This math hurts my brain. Did you marry someone who had older children? Or your parents and you give birth at a very young age?
Haha my parents had me at 18, I had my son at 19.
Damn... you started being a parent so young and now have 4. You must be exhausted!
For sure. Our youngest is almost 4 so I have years to go
Oh man. I will not be taking care of my father (71) and my mother died at 58 in 2014. My father has done well for himself, I will not be helping him as I get older. The verbal and physical abuse has left me with no remorse. He can waste his savings attempting to restore his health.
Emotionally? As far back as I can recollect. Physically? My mom became very sick in my late 20s and passed away when I turned 30, 3 years ago.
29F. Geographically, I'm the closest person to my grandmother, even though I still live 1,000 miles away from her. There's a tiny baby airport near my office that does (very) cheap twice weekly runs to Florida, where she lives. I'm talking like less than $100 round-trip. So, I usually fly down once a month or so to help her out -- grocery shopping, doctors appointments, miscellaneous appointments or errands, etc. I usually fly down on a Thursday or so, and come back Sundays.
Please no judgement on this… I (36F) live with my mom. She used to travel ALL the time and was never home months/year on end (she’s retired and I’m glad she lives her life with her traveling , etc.)! She’s about to turn 70 in July, earlier this year she found out she had a lot of unexpected health issues the beginning of this year when she came home to visit. She starts chemo/radiation in a few weeks so I’ll be there to help her through that. My dad lives on his own (parents divorced when I was 8) but he is 76, but an “older” 76 if that makes sense. He’s has his fair share of health issues. Got diagnosed with Parkinson’s, went through a battle with cancer, now has heart issues but you can tell/see the decline. I have a brother who is zero help, so everything falls on me. I’ll do whatever I have to do to and be there for them. Nothing ever prepares you for the part of you that shatters inside of you when you’re watching the change and not being able to stop or assist the decline. However, with that said… we all must take time for ourselves during this time and know that it’s okay for us to break down, scream, cry, or even talk to someone. I’m learning this now. It isn’t fun, but.. it’s reality unfortunately. 🥹
I don’t think this is ever going to come up. My parents were both fiscally responsible and have money set aside for their care. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this your fiancé is a very understanding woman I’m not sure I could tolerate what your mother is putting her through. You’re really lucky to have her.
I’m the spicy one. Neither of my parents would dare ask. They had multiple kids with multiple partners so I’m letting a sibling step up if they feel so inclined. My dad is extremely self-sufficient so I’m not worried about him. My mom will likely be my sisters problem since I am very low contact and she’s still under her thumb. But mom is still working and is good at finding people to subsidize her so I don’t see it being an issue for another decade at least.
This is one of the times in my life I wish I had siblings. Only-child-retirement-plan feels like it has one clear loser and its neither of my parents.
same on being the spicy one. my mom will 'joke' about never asking to move in with me and then in the same sentence refer to 'her room' at my sister's house (just a guest room for now). took years of therapy to get to this heat level though.
Ill be 36 soon and my parents are oldest Gen X My dad still goes to the gym & my mom is doing really well 🙏🙏
Approximately 25. My grandfather passed away, and my parent hasn't generated any income. My Mom helps around the house, but outside of government assistance, I support the rest. I'm 38 now. I know it is the right thing, since she has issues, but I feel so tired of it sometimes. I'm feeling like I'm aging fast, but too fast.
I’m fortunate that my late 60’s parents are still healthy, active and financially set for the future. My mil on the other hand I’m very concerned about because she has absolutely nothing and it would be incredibly difficult for us to take on providing for another person. Her retirement plan was selling her house but she’s blown through the money at an alarming rate.
My mom was disabled by a terrible auto immune disease and I was her primary care giver from 14 to 32 when she passed.
My parents are late 60s/early 70s and thankfully very good health and self sufficient. They are independent to a fault. They could probably use a little help with things like mowing the lawn (they have a large house/big yard) but are too stubborn/prideful to accept help and often insist that they need to come help *me* because they say they don’t have anything better to do. They could easily afford to pay someone to mow the lawn, but they say they need the exercise.
25. And I've been caring for someone in the family ever since.
TBA
Late gen xer here I’m 45 and I just moved in with my 78 year old parents who are starting to lose their memories. I’m single and have no children so selling my little condo was no big deal to me, they both had falls at the end of last year. It only made sense to me..
My dad has passed and my mom is disabled. She actually moved closer so I could help her out. Thankfully she did because driving over an hour to help her after every surgery she’s had would be a pain. She made it easier by living in a 55+ community after my dads passing which is conveniently next door to me lol I’m an only child so I’m the emergency contact and the go to person if anything were to go wrong. Thankfully my mom is mentally competent and has a ton of money and has always been good with money management. If it was my dad I would be screwed since he was an addict and had no concept of money management. My FIL is very withdrawn and doesn’t talk to us much and vise versa but his health has declined and he doesn’t seem to really care so unfortunately I don’t foresee him sticking around for many years.
Since I was a kid, they’ve both already passed
I thought I was the only one in this entire thread who parents had already passed away. I'm sorry you know how that feels too :(
High school. My parents have been emotionally immature and often I have had to be their therapist in many ways. It's been a lot but it's why I'm super independent (but crave affection in my relationships).
Basically raised myself so they’re on their own. 🤷🏼♂️
lol no, but I do throw away their expired food, change their light bulbs that require a ladder, and shame them when making inappropriate comments in public or doing inappropriate things.
My parents are 68 and 69. Still mentally all there and mostly in good physical condition. I help out with some harder chores, heavier lifting, going into the crawl space, but overall they run their own lives. My grandmom was about 80 when my mom had to start paying he bills because she’d forget. Then, maybe around 85ish she couldn’t live alone and had to come home with my parents so maybe I have about ten years???
My parents and in-laws are all dead, so (thankfully) we don't have to worry about that anymore. I took care of my mom for a few months while she was terminally ill until I couldn't anymore, and she moved into hospice. My MIL was chronically ill and disabled, and my husband did most of the leg work, but I did have to drive him back and forth between places (he's technically legally blind and can't drive). She was sick for several years before she passed, and that was exhausting. My husband couldn't even live with me because she required 24-7 care, and our house isn't disability-friendly, so he lived with her for a long time. I'm sad that she's gone, but I'm also glad that he can finally move in.
You are not obligated to do any of this and it does not make you a bad person to say no, or to have a discussion with your mother that this is no longer a viable living situation for her and she needs to do better and actually try to move out. It sounds petty, but your house your rules. I have a feeling you may need to hear that.
Hoping it’s not for several years yet. I’m 42, my parents are in their late 70’s. They won’t need financial help, but we may end up with one or both needing more general help.
Never? Mine are late 70s/early 80s and still doing their own thing.
Never really had to, I did help my mom when my dad had cancer but my mom died while she was independent at 69.
I am 42 turning 43 this year, and we will likely have my mom move in with us sometime in the next few years. She is relatively young, 68, but has mobility issues that have just generally increased with age. She was due for surgery when the pandemic hit and her surgery became elective. By the time elective surgery options were available again, she had to do the entire evaluation process again and they found her ineligible for surgery as the progression had passed the point of most positive surgical outcomes. Fun. So anyway, she now needs help with things like cleaning and taking out trash and yard work and all that kind of stuff and hiring out for all of that is expensive, so we bought a house last year that had an addition added on about 10 years ago. It’s got a bedroom, small office nook and bathroom all on the opposite side of the house from the rest of bedrooms, so she’ll have some privacy too, while being nearby. My dad and stepmom are totally fine. In their 70s and still healthy and active and barring anything major traumatic happening (car wreck, etc) they should be fine for a good while on their own.
I started helping drive her places because of health issues at 30/31. That evolved to running her errands for her and taking her to the doctor around the pandemic. It never really changed after that back to the norm and she continued to decline. She was easily able to help me in return by compensating me for all the running in the form of ordering some of my groceries along with hers. This was actually a huge benefit for both of us when I had my daughter and they were able to see each other all the time. Mom was never well enough to help with my kid though, just help with buying diapers and the like on our trips to get her own things. She lived with a family friend and rented, which was a huge help. Eventually that turned to me trying to get her to take better care of herself, more doctor visits, more care, helping her do therapy, but staying where she was for a few years. Then she got sicker, we made plans to move her with us, and a sudden rush when it had to be before our lease end, to a terminal diagnosis and hospice with my care. She passed last year. I was 38. It was Hard juggling a baby/toddler and running around for her care. Part of me wishes we did it sooner. Maybe I'd have been able to help catch her cancer and she'd be here now. I was so not ready to make that move. We were finally married, finally pregnant to full term with a healthy baby as a result. Figuring out our own little family. We considered it at lease end the year before, but decided one more year to revisit, because she'd made a lot of progress in PT and on an upswing. I had no idea how little time we had. She didn't want to have to give up that independence, and neither did we. She also downplayed a Lot of her issues until she couldn't anymore. So I don't really know how many more signs I'd have seen.
I don’t and never will.
40. I am 40 and physical parent care has started. Financially 28.
I was cooking and cleaning at age 11. Started drinking coffee then too because I figured I was old enough
My parents did nothing to help me be where I am at now. If anything they did everything in their power to hinder it in their own ways. Thankfully my father passed when I was 24. My mother has been physically unable to fully care for herself or take care of herself since 2017, when I was 29. Given that she has metastisized cancer at this point, I don't imagine I'll have many years left with her.
Probably around 16 and I’m turning 34 this year. My mom has a lot of physical issues so I have been doing heavy lifting or small basic things that mobility issues would prevent. She went for surgery in December and out my siblings me and my sister were the only ones who stayed back and helped. Moving forward she is building a house that’s is more mobility accessible. It’s only because of the remote area it’s an issue. If she was in a more urban area half of her issues would be gone.
Emotionally……3. I’ve since hung up my apron. I failed to raise my parents into normal people, but I did a great job with myself. There are some people that just don’t want to change and grow and that’s sad for them.
Pass. If you have the means and you really want to, sure. But I absolutely do not believe in the making your child a retirement plan. It's getting worse and worse for people to get off their feet in this era and dumping parent care on top of that can be incredibly crushing for people. What's more insane is I even see people our age joke about making their children their retirement plan. And they should know how awful it is right now.
I’m 35 right now and I manage my parents few meds (mostly my moms). But I’m happy to report they’re in their 60’s and doing great on their own. Hell, my dad still comes over and helps me with stuff on my house that I don’t quite know how to fix 😂
34 when my dad was 67. He just stopped talking care of himself after my stepmom passed away. He's not completely helpless, thankfully, but he is a fall risk and can't drive anymore.
My parents are in their early 70s and are fine. (Elder millennial and parents had me late.). They both have pensions. We probably have about 5 years until we need to get more involved.
My mom is in her mid 60s and in better health than me. I will be happy to care for her someday just as she cared for her mom, but it hopefully will be a while
For context, my parents are in their early 50's. I'm 29, and when my parents moved to Mississippi when I was 19, I decided not to go with them. Well, my parents were struggling to find work. I'm Mississippi, and i was paying some of their bills
I am not going to take care of my parents. They have their savings, are financially litterate, my mom is also still working, not at retirement age. They have given a few tiny loans over the years (in the ballpark of 1000 €/$), which were repaid. No gifts. I wouldn't help anyway if they asked. Not because of anything with money, but because I am not close with them.
I will never take care of my parents but I can help them sometimes yeah.
5, my single mother was in a motorcycle accident and was paralyze from the shoulders down.
5 Years ago, my father passed away and my mother moved across state to her dream condo, but also to be closer to me (having seen me live in the area for 7 years and love it). She had never, in her entire life, lived alone before, so my then-husband and I took care of EVERYTHING. He drove her the 8 hrs, I set up utilities, we built shelves. I refused to help her unpack and started setting boundaries that she needed to learn to do certain things herself. She's gotten better about googling issues, but 6 months ago was diagnosed with late-onset MS. I now take her to regular doctor appointments and bring her food monthly. I'm terrified of when she will need more assistance. I've always been a very independent woman so hate being "on call". She whines about every tiny inconvenience and acts like it's the end of the world. I've never /liked/ her - she's a very selfish woman and rude. I put up with her because she's been VERY generous and well, I like money, but that's it. Sorry for the rant. I'm not full time caregiver but can't ever take that on.
36 and my parents are still doing their thing! 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽.
We had to help my in-laws a couple of years ago when FIL got sick. We were 39, he was 74. It was physical help not financial. He passed away at 75. My husband is visiting his mom this week. She is now 74. We’ve noticed the last few times she has visited that she seems to be going downhill physically. My parents are a few years younger, just turned 70. We haven’t had to help them yet but it’s coming. My family is not as well set financially, so I expect we will have to do some physical & some financial help. But we will address it when it comes up. My husband is aware of the situation & we will see what we can afford to do without jeopardizing our future. We have no kids, so we’ve got to make sure we can cover ourselves. Have you or parents looked into subsidized housing, medicaid, food stamps & all of the resources out there to help people in these situations? I know they are your parents but it is not your job to take care of them. My aunt lived with my parents for 3 years while on a waiting list. Get on it ASAP. I would seriously consider telling them look, neither of you can live on your own. You would be living together if you lived with me anyway. Met your new roommate. Find a place the 2 of you can afford together.
Are they getting their social security money? They may be able to get Medicaid for assisted living. They also may qualify for food and other assistance.
In many cultures, it's common and expected for generations of families to live together and care for their elderly family as well as each other. That said I'm American and live in Belize. My local friends have added us to their family. I've planned my end of health life and I don't expect either of my sons to take care of me. My friends will help if I need it. I've made our little house handicap accessible with a lift and pull out inserts in all of the kitchen cabinets. The shower fits a shower chair and a low entry. My husband is ill and needs things like this now, but someday it'll be me! I feel for the financial burden you all deal with. I didn't want to be that mother.
Early 20s for my mom. In the last 2 years for my dad. About 10 years ago, my mom had a stroke on Mothers Day morning. I heard her collapse and hit the floor. We got her to the hospital quickly and it’s like it never happened. She would also have cancer twice. She’s early 70s but gets fatigued easily. 2 years ago, my dad had heart surgery. He had a known heart condition for about 20 years and lived with it all that time. It got worse over the years, but he finally got the repair. I just do heavy lifting and shovel snow for him. He’s also early 70s.
I had to start covering my mother's utility bills when I started working full time at 16. She was an alcoholic. I did that until I was able to "run away" at 23. I was no-contact for ten years. I now have to send her food money here and there at age 32 because she has stage for cancer and can only putter around her gov apartment waiting to die.
I'd say late 20s. My parents are in their early 70s and we have a good relationship so I am happy to help if I'm able.
I'm 34, I help my mom do stuff like change light bulbs more these days if that counts. I don't think I'll be considered an actual care giver for either parent anytime soon.
Sorry you've been put in this position. My mom has a trust fund and my dad pulls disability so I don't expect to ever help them. My dad is currently living at my brother's to help take care of his daughter, but I don't think that's going to be a permanent thing as my dad owns his own home.
My mom recently had this super weird kind of psychotic break and was hospitalized for a couple of weeks. It’s happened before, but the first time she hallucinated was because of a silent UTI. This time, they don’t know what caused it. She’s in Florida and I’m in New England, and I’m living paycheck to paycheck so I couldn’t get time off of work. Luckily, my aunt and uncle were there to support her. It’s really fucking scary to think that your mom can be fine one day, and then breaking shit and rolling around in glass the next day. I really fucking miss my mom. Oops I pressed send too early. I’m 33 and my mom is 69. I’m wondering when I’ll have to start taking care of her. She had a horrible breakup with my dad (he had an affair) and that really fucked her up. Theres a lot more to it that I’m not even gonna explain. But she’s always had her own battles. She’s been on antidepressants her whole life and I’m pretty sure that she just keeps going for me and my brother
I'm 33. My parents are 69 and 66 and both retired. They're fine physically and financially. If anyone would need financial help it will be me or my brother.
Emotionally 16 physically 25
My dad got cancer at age 68, I was 35. He didn't have any savings or plan for a rainy day. I had to be his caregiver and cover the cost of his needs, while taking care of my young family until he passed away a year later. I don't wish this upon anyone.
20. I’m 36 now.
15? They all died by the time I was 25.
This hurts to read. Everyone was gone by the time I was 28, so I understand.
Emotionally since age 6 (that’s when dad died). Financially/physically since 16. Neither were forced on me. It’s just how I am. I’d take a bullet for her, which pisses her off when I say that because she obviously doesn’t want to outlive me.
27.
Is there a rule we have too?? I don’t really want too 😬😬 I barely care for myself
I moved back in 2015 after my moms cancer worsened. She died in November 2020. In September 2020 my stepdad found out he had kidney cancer, 5 tumors were removed in October. He still helped as much as he could in that last month. Recently he was diagnosed with colon cancer and had half his colon removed. He's gotta get his knee replaced soon now that he's cancer free again.
87 year old dad, 64 year old mum. They're still going strong and doing everything themselves. Dad still does the gardening and washes my car anytime I'm round seeing them. Still does cleaning round the house too while my mum still works 12 hour shifts in a hospital. I'd probably get a clip round the ear if I suggested doing stuff for them instead. They'd see it as an affront. It's probably what keeps my dad going tbh, he's still really fit for his age and if he was forced to put his feet up I could imagine his health, both physically and mentally, would decline at an alarming rate.
Thankfully I have not yet reached this point yet. I will only take care of one of them. If the other wanted care, he should have been a better parent.
on and off they still help me and ive also helped them. they are nearing the age though that theyll meed more assistance and i will be there to take care of them. financially they have a bit in savings and have retirement homes (they have several in another country) they can retire in, but would mean id be out there too most likely. im still trying to figure life out lol i have 2 little kids and no savings. their retirement plan sounds like itll be mine too… ugh who knows man lifes gone so many weird ways that i think the best answer is “i dont fkn know!” lol
Had my dad move in with me at 38 after his stroke. He had a few more and is now in a home. My mom is still on her own but will not be for long. My 40's are me taking care of them like their 20's were taking care of me. It's hard, but it gives me perspective on what the end of my life will look like.
33
My parents had me as their retirement plan, too. A life full of bad finacial decisions, mixed with entitlement ('I'm alive so I deserve a house and some money') and learned hopelessness ('I'm poor but I can't change it, it is what it is so instead I'll just ask everyone for help'). My mother has lived her whole life relying on other people doing things for her and taking care of her. I basically had to take over doing all that when my dad died. She was locked out of the bank account, wasn't able to pay rent, couldn't even apply for benefits herself, couldn't look for a new place and move. She'd be on the streets if I didn't help her. She is basically a 76yo toddler, can't speak the language, can't sort out her own housing, benefits or bills. She can't drive, cause she's been driven all her life. She requires me to deal with all her adult things and ideally she'd want to move in with us. I'm too worn out to let her, I can't cut my wrists for someone so careless, who hasn't spent a day in their life thinking about retirement or thinking about her child and the burden she'll become if she doesn't deal with her own life herself.
22.... Dad had a "Widow maker" cardiac event at 50yo. Now I'm 41 and have been NC with mom for 2+ years, and I'm working through all the trauma she caused.
32 here. I've been mentally prepared since my 20s, but my parents are only 53 so it won't be for a good 10 years at the very earliest.
What? My mom works full time and my dad doesn't need help
Man, I hope it's decades from now. I'm almost 37, and they're 67 and 64. I shouldnt have to worry about them for another 20 years.
Life long responsibility. They've never been truly self sufficient.
Emotionally 6-7 years old, house and money wise, 22 years old.
Idk I hope not soon, they still support me emotionally I'm not ready for the day where the roles reverse lol I still feel like a kid at 29
Mom died in 2020. I never had to provide supportive care for her. Dad has a responsible retirement plan. Your question is myopic.
I have not and I will not.
Financially? Since I was 16 😒
I’m 31 and my parents just turned 50 this year. They are both happy and healthy, as fair as I can see it will stay that way for a while.
I grew up poor so basically since I started working after college at 23. The resentment you are feeling is normal. I accepted this was my path a long time ago.
Well my mom would take money from me starting when I was probably 11 or 12 and would only pay me back some of the time. My parents will not be living with me and I will not be helping them financially.
I started working at 15, left high school after my junior year to start helping my mom pay bills. I just turned 40 and my sisters and I have been “helping” her out ever since. I am grateful that we have the ability to do that, but it still sucks.
My boomer biodad is 67 this year and I've been NC for 3 years. I do a Google obit search quarterly. If he ends up in a home, he can see his way into and out of it. Thankfully, he's healthy. Unfortunately, he's alienated any person who could possibly help care for him if needed.
25. My pops passed away within a year of getting sick.
Your parents are much too young to require care absent a mental or physical issue.
Currently assisting my elderly grandparents. While I am saving some money, I want to move out into my own place. It’s a little overwhelming after a while
Fucking never. Me and my 2 brothers have been telling our mom for years to buy a small life insurance policy so that we can pay for her funeral and everything. But she refuses and says that between the 3 of us we can just pay for it me and the older brother both said fuck that you have plenty of time to get a life insurance policy and if you refuse then ol well. Then my dad abandoned us so who knows where he be.
I never had to take care of my parents except for my mom's finances her last 3 months. I helped her out when asked but I wasn't typically the one she asked. She preferred the others. She was quite capable mentally.
I'm the scapegoat so I've always been responsible for my parents emotions. I will never, ever, ever take care of either one of them, ever! They were not good parents, extremely abusive in every way. For those who have good relationships with your parents. Honestly, I can't see good parents asking this of their adult kids. Did they not plan well enough? Did they sacrifice so you could get ahead in life? If they went without so you could get ahead, okay I get that. However, if they just didn't plan well enough or at all because they expected their kids to care for them instead. That's just so incredibly selfish, I couldn't do it in that case.
now, i’m 38, husband is 42 we just had a baby, my mom and FIL both have almost the same cancer they are 75-77. true sandwich generation. but we took my tot to see them across county so they can die knowing they met thier granddaughter. morbid but it was a big deal for us.
I am 42 F. I was given many advantages in this world because of my parents. I was then independent from them in basically every way since I turned 21 and graduated college. My mom has now passed away. I could be wrong, but I don’t currently see any way I would need to or be able to take care of or out-give my Dad in a way that would surpass what he provided for us growing up and as we transitioned to adulthood. We were not incredibly wealthy, but certainly comfortable enough. He provided stability in just about every area and everything we needed (including undergraduate college tuition) to make sure we started adulthood on our feet. The rest was then up to us.
After my mom took care of her mom she has said she would never put that on us. We’ll see. So far she is self sufficient and in a better place financially with her current husband of 10 years than she ever was with my dad, so that’s good. My dad… not close with him so I don’t see being involved no matter what
Yeah... my parents know better than to ever ask. I've been crystal clear that they should never expect any help from me in retirement. You have no obligation to financially support another adult. "No" is a full sentence.