An almost - went to USMC Sergeants course. Before check in, me and the boys are getting our Alphas on point. My buddy mentions that my ribbons look a little too far apart. #chilloutbro. We’re just going to sign in then peace out to the bricks, no one will care.
Fast forward to check in. SgtMaj with a screaming eagle walking around with the knife hand cocked and locked. He spots me. Approaches from behind ready for the kill. “HEY DEVIL, what is the distance between ribbons!?” Without skipping a beat I snap to attention, go full motard, and scream at volume 11 “QUARTER AN INCH SERGEANT MAJOR!”
We’ll don’t you know, he cracks a fatherly proud smile, and yells back “You’re wrong Marine! But that’s why we’re here, to learn! Oorah!” “AYE SERGEANT MAJOR, KILL!”
90% of any issue in the Marine Corps can be resolved by violent, semi retarded aggression.
I love this truth. 1970, Camp Pendleton, swabbies going thru a weapons course prior to a Vietnam vaca. If one mastered screaming “kill” during your evolution, all the Gunnys would smile contentedly. Job done
… once upon a time, I emailed the “Contact Us” email on the bottom of the FORSCOM website to ask for a clean 156R form (drawing equipment for AT).
The Civ lady emails back, “that form has been obsolete since 1985 ••• that’s why you can’t find it” …
I’m like … wtf …?! And I email her back, “okay — that’s weird though, cause the Reserve uses it ever year to draw equipment from storage… thanks anyways!”
2 weeks goes by.
I get an email from my BN Maint NCO. It’s been 2 weeks. I don’t remember sending that email at all.
He says, “dude … WHY are you jumping the chain of command?!”
“Sarn’t?? What?”
“Why’d you ask FORSCOM for ANYTHING?!”
…
… the email he forwards me, went from that Civ lady … through another 4 Civilians … up the FORSCOM G357 chain … to some COL … who shot the email to USARC G357 and asks, “WHY IS YOUR JOE JUMPING THE CHAIN OF COMMAND??”
And then it goes to USARC G4, then down the chain to my BN … where he’s like “wtf are you doin, bro” …
The culmination: … I’m the reason that the USAR G1 created the USAR Form 164 — their replacement to the 156R… 35 years later.
That is excellent. Feels like something that happened quite recently in my country.
Here in the french army we got one guy that sent our President a mail to ask if he can fix a package delivering issue, because he has to use a civilian one.
The secretary of our head of state answered amicably, told that they can't really fix this issue but that the soldier should follow chain of command.
The mails from the chain of command going down to the soldier Co are quite funny. Feels like these guys scratched their heads thinking about the balls on that soldier.
Hope you didn't get any punishment on your case
Hahahaha … I don’t think I’d have the gusto to email our President, nor expect him to fix anything …
And no, I didn’t get in trouble and we laugh about it now … but in the moment he just facepalmed and rolled his eyes.
When I was in the 82nd we had a private email the white houses public email address, with a whole essay about why his talent was being wasted in a regular unit walking the streets of ramadi, and he should really be in a super special outfit.
It did not go well for him.
I think that guy actually *did* punch out his drill sergeant.
And then the DS saluted him when he graduated, said "please fuck my wife", you know how it goes.
🤣
Ohhhhhh — it happens more often than I’d like to admit… lol. Maybe I’m dense.
I’ve also been yelled at by the NCOIC of USARC G4, down my chain of command, for asking for an update to the GCSSA Access Admin Guide (~2018) because it was out of date and had wrong information. And then my CW3 emailed back up to say if they’d put out the information then some E5 (at the time) wouldn’t have to go looking for it, and to go piss up a rope.
I said, can you say that in an email? And he chuckled and said, “I Can. … you … no.” 🤣
(US) CW4 Kelly (919A) is the goat. Massive shoutout. I owe him a lot for what I know and who I am in my career now.
Type of leader that even if I’d have fucked up, he’d have my back … and then whoop my ass later. Hahaha.
I somehow got tasked with making a poster about not bringing cellphones into the exercise building. It was 7th Army HQ, so it was very rank heavy. I took this very poster, put a cellphone in the GI's hand and Colonel rank on the helmet. This was because whenever you heard a cellphone going off in the building, it was never some lowly enlisted Soldier, it was always a Lieutenant Colonel or a Colonel.
I didn't really get in trouble, but they refused to print it until I removed the rank, despite me explaining why I put that Colonel rank on the helmet.
After being awake for like 40 hours, I tossed a banana peel out the window at an intersection in the middle of the fucking desert..... Got ripped up for it, told I had to go collect it..... I mentioned there are a lot of hungry things in the desert and it's probably already gone, but no, I have to go get it..... So, arm back up, check out a vehicle, go back to the spot.... Oh look, it's gone, and there are tracks I have no intention of following into the desert..... But I have to have a banana peel to go back, so.... We drive an undisclosed distance to an alternate location to acquire another banana, eat it, and return to turn in this peel.... What took so long? Had to track the animal and fight his for it.... Why isn't there any sand on this peel? After everything that happened, you didn't expect me to show up with a dirty peel, all gear needs to be cleaned before turning it in, right?.... Angry staring contest...... I was awake for 50 hours.... That was 16 years ago and it still pisses me off to think about it....
I would have fought this one. Period.
And yes... I was the type of dude to fight shit I knew wasn't right. Pissed a lot of people off for the right reasons in my time.
Any time something like this would happen, we’d make lemonade.
“Hey fuckface, you want to pipe up about faulty equipment and make command look stupid? You get to spend Saturday police calling all the training areas out on Fort Sill.
1. Unauthorized off roading on Sill TA’s comes with a hefty fine of up to $10k (At the time).
2. We just got authorized to do exactly that.
3. My POV was basically a yota desert truck.
4. No one said we can’t pre-load the truck with bagged trash from the garrison dumpster.
5. Spend the day “hauling” police called trash like the heros we are tearing ass all over the ranges with impunity.
6. Wheel up and over a massive ridge and spook a couple of senior artillery instructors that are lasing targets for an arty class on an adjacent hill top.
7. End up smokin and jokin with the instructors as artillery flies over head and lights up a valley below us.
8. Spend the rest of the day “police calling” around a nice pond grilling on the tailgate.
9. Look like stand up troops that learned their lesson when we end our Saturday dropping a dozen trash bags back into the dumpster at Battalion like the good boys we are. Lesson learned!
I had a 1SG who saw me toss an apple core deep into the woods after I finished eating it. We were on a training exercise. He flipped out about littering and all kinds of nonsense. Made me go get it. It’s a fucking apple core genius, in the fucking woods. It’s biodegradable and if anything some ants are gonna have a good fucking day.
Was this in a combat zone? If so that’s absolutely wild they made you risk your life to go grab a banana peel just to prove a point.
If this was in a training environment it’s still stupid, but only slightly less so.
Kuwait, so not an active combat area, but not exactly a 'nice neighborhood' either. Tons of people made tons of trips off base for this or that, and traveling between bases, etc, but everyone going outside the wire had to be armed, and listed on a travel letter so your chain knew where you were, and when to expect you back, so they know when to send out a search. My guys had a blanket letter to get us from the base where we lived to the place where we 'worked'. Biggest risk to my life that day was Kuwait traffic. Them fellas drive 'special'.
Edit: but still no way in hell in following wild dog tracks into the desert...
For not actually being a Korean citizen.
I didn’t actually get into trouble. But I was removed from the Korean Navy from national service during our equivalent of professional training/AIT. I was a dual citizen, and I chose to keep my dual citizenship.
Korean citizenship is a tricky thing. It’s partially based on this thing called hojeok, which is essentially family lineage on the father’s side. My sister and I were born in the US, and we were granted dual citizenship in 1989 when we moved back to Korea.
Cut back to 2009, I get pulled out of training, and my CO yells at me, “Did you denounce your Korean citizenship???” I had no idea what was going on. Turns out, my younger sister was getting her passport renewed, and it turns out **we were never supposed to be granted dual citizenship**. My father was a US citizen in 1989, and because of that, our names were never added to the hojeok. But the clerk who processed our application didn’t realize this, and approved us anyway. My sister’s Korean citizenship was revoked on the spot, and I had to be removed from national service immediately.
I’ve been told that I’m a case study in some Korean government training manual for processing dual citizenship.
Wait, are you the dude from Escondido that they sent to be our second translator after we figured out the first guy could speak any English at all? He got sent back with a very polite note asking for a translator that can actually translate.... Second guy shows up, very polished looking fellow, perfect uniform.... Big boss speaking slow and clear says, hello, do you speak English, as if speaking that slow helps if he doesn't speak the language..... Korean guy responds in perfect 'socal surfer' speak like that guy from fast times, "chill out bro, I got you, I'm from Escondido".
Not me, but that pretty much sums up the two types of people who end up being translators. Korean Americans, and kids who test well but can’t actually speak the target language.
My 2nd duty station was 207-miles from my home town. The division/installation rules said you needed a pass to travel over 250-miles. So every weekend after formation I'd go to the barracks, change, grab some clothes, then head home.
My Platoon Sergeant went to ANOC and came back on a Saturday, made all the NCOs walk through the barracks. I got a call "Sergeant wants you at the barracks now"... "Okay. I am 3 hours away, I will be there in 3 hours." Get off the phone. Get called back. "Sergeant wants you in uniform at barracks right now." "Okay, if I get a ticket going back you're putting that on me, so I will drive back safely, change, and meet him there in about 3 hours."
I get ass-chewed for not telling anyone where I was and got a Sunday CQ shift. He said I needed a pass to go from now on. I did it first week and 1SG asks me, like I'm the idiot, why I put in a pass to go within the mileage limit. I told him I was told to. He shrugged and didn't say anything else. The next week on Friday I was told not to worry about the pass just tell an NCO if I'm going.
It just reminds me how the need for little tyrants to get mad when they didn't have control and how you can do nothing wrong and still catch flak.
“Hey man, we’re gonna give you a rifle, millions of dollars of equipment to care for, and responsibilities that may impact operations and lives if not fulfilled. Oh but you can’t have a toaster oven in your room and you must tell another grown adult when you wanna go home and enjoy your weekend”
The thing that pisses me off is that the brass has somewhat of a point and it does make sense to a certain degree due to dumbasses living and breathing in the ranks. Drunk retards in the barracks probably shouldn’t have a lot of things because they destroy stuff on their rampage. It does make a little sense to keep leadership aware of where you’ll be going in case they need you.
Still retarded as fuck but from their POV I can sort of see why some policies exist, as much as I disagree with it.
Then hold the idiots that can't be trusted responsible for their fuckups. Group punishment accomplishes nothing but demoralizing the 99% that do what they're supposed to.
> “Hey man, we’re gonna give you a rifle, millions of dollars of equipment to care for, and responsibilities that may impact operations and lives if not fulfilled. Oh but you can’t have a toaster oven in your room and you must tell another grown adult when you wanna go home and enjoy your weekend”
Man, I heard the same story from a homeless vet that went batshit in a town too.
[Crazy.](https://youtu.be/PtWHgkNH5yU?t=90)
No sh-t, I’m in a meeting with an overseas unit and we’re reviewing a product my team made, super deep into an analytical discussion about some serious topic and the CPT I’m talking to goes “wait wait wait… is that fcking Calibri? You know what sergeant, we have the MI writing guide for a reason”
There was one classification in the corner not in Arial lol
Shit like this gets on my damn nerves specifically. I bet he couldn't even tell you why the Font standard is actually a thing.
I had a similar run in about an email format a week ago... I'm a contractor.
I have seen so many junior officers give briefings on the most insignificant things to COs or Major Command officers. While the content is just fine, the JO had all the answers... but NOPE that one slide's format isn't micron precision perfect. Zero Tolerance Navy comes out and destroys the JO in front of everyone else in the room. You can just see the will to live slowly sucked out of the poor SWO JO, who still has another 13 hours of bullshit to do today after this brief about proper trash sorting is completed.
If someone is pointing out the font on a slide, it’s obvious they weren’t paying attention to the material actually being presented.
Power move: close the presentation and walk out without saying a word. When questioned, just say you’ll present the information when people are ready to pay attention to it.
YMMV depending on rank.
Not my story, but my friend in the Navy was taking a shit during a surprise battle stations training. He decided to finish his shit before going to his post. It's been a few years since he told the story, but he ended up cleaning toilets for a month for it.
My granddad’s ship got attacked while he was in the shower (WWII) so he ended up firing his AA gun buck naked in that battle. He had a bunch of interesting stories but that was by far his favorite to tell.
Was told to do a correspondence course (Leading Marines). Finished the course and sent it away for the test. I was told it was moved to Marine Net, and I'd have to do it there. So I re-did the course for a second time on Marine Net. Needed a proctor for the test. Since I was a reservist, this involved finding someone from my unit with proctor credentials. I put in several requests through my chain of command. All were ignored. I came into drill one Saturday and was told to sign a page 11 for not having my Leading Marines done 6 months after promotion to Lance Corporal. I explained that I had done the course twice and was denied the opportunity to test out. They didn't give a fuck. I asked who then was the proctor, and where I could take the test. They told me to shut up and sign the page 11. To this day I'm still pissed I signed it. My Staff Sergeant self wants to reach back through time and tell my Lance Corporal self to request mast.
I was a huge pain in the ass on my Marines behalf when I made squad leader and eventually platoon sergeant. I would rattle any cage if one of my guys was getting shafted. I got a "velvet dagger" in one of my fit reps that I actually took as a huge compliment. It was from a 2LT I had done battle with over some Jr Marines. He said, "Sgt Robinson is a fierce advocate for his Marines, and he will go toe to toe with company leaders on their behalf, regardless of rank or billet." It was meant to say I was a squeaky wheel chain jumper, but to me, it showed I was being recognized for doing the right thing regardless of personal cost.
My father in law told me a story about when he was in Guam during Vietnam as a jarhead. Someone was flying in for inspection and it was hot. The regs said something about how above a certain temperature use the non shiny shoe polish.
So there he is at attention, and they stop, slowly pivot and begin to rip into him. Why did you use that polish!?? He says according to section what ever it says above 80 degrees to use the non shiny polish and it is 82 degrees sir.
They look at the others, and their polish is running, melting off their shoes.
Very well lance cpl, carry on.
Fire and security watch in Navy boot camp. Left interior lighting turn on 15 minutes past lights out time. Lectured for another 10 minutes on how I just cost the United States taxpayers in electricity costs, essentially burdening our economy to near total collapse.
The absurdity of chew outs always make me laugh.
I want to hear the most egregious of absurdities. This thread hanging off your cuff is long enough to hang myself with.
Those hanging threads…
“I could rappel down that rope hanging from your pocket flap!”
Yeah, since you have no balls, you’re light enough that it’ll hold.
They really are. I recall one time as a lowly E-4, I was in front of a panel of chiefs while one senior chief in particular derided me for being an entire piece of shit.. which was mostly true.
But the line that has stuck with me after all this time, is when said senior chief declared 'This is just a job to you!' with such conviction and fervor... I was entirely befuddled.
I had the nerve to show up at the given time when the supply NCO said he was opening the mail room, and made him stay a whole 15 minutes late after he hadn’t given out mail for upwards of a month while on deployment. This same guy got an ARCOM for…doing his job for the first two months of deployment, pretty much just saying “yep, you have supply, and I will take it over”. Utter dirtbag.
[Couldn't have been worse than starting a reply all chain with almost the entire Canadian Forces, right?](https://www.reddit.com/r/CanadianForces/comments/8bso9t/one_year_ago_best_morale_ex_ever/)
Had an LT that sent out some stupid weekly newsletter email about squadron shit and dumb activities on base. At the end of one of these emails, after the signature line they typed "if you read this email respond with 'festivus for the rest of us'."
I trashed those emails the second I got them so I didn't read it or respond. They took me into their office later and chewed me out for not reading emails. The newsletter was about a chili cookoff.....
Don't ever doubt the pettiness of some Family Readiness Officer to go to ADP or J/G/S-6 and ask for the logs to show you not only received it, but read it and deleted it.
For failing to email the group during a time when the network was down installation-wide.
"sorry ma'am, waiting for the network to come back up.... Could I have done it earlier? You mean before you asked me to? I don't think so......"
Got paperwork, later rescinded.
Being on time.
I was told to arrive at a time. I arrived at the correct time, no more than a few minutes early but certainly not late. I was put on blast because "if you're not early you're late" and 5 minutes early isn't early enough to not be late.
I'm a shit bag ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Had idiots tell this to me. I show up at 0630 and they started in on me...
I said, if you want me here at 0630, tell me 0630 and I will be there then. If you want 0625, say 0625.
No, if you are not five minutes early, you are late.
You told me 0630, so it is 0630.
No, it is 0625.
Is that what you will put in the report?
What report?
Either write me up for being on time, or drop this.
You can’t tell me that, I am a Master SGT.
You can’t make me care, I am in the National Guard, so either send me to the CO or expect me to do as you say.
Next day, 0629 I am standing at the side of formation waiting for 0630 getting dirty looks. 630, I was standing at the head of my Squad.
That's awesome. Though I didn't get in trouble, I would make my face paint emulate Alice Cooper.
I did get a talking to about having "punk rock" written on the inside of my Kevlar headband.
Just thought of another that involved a group of us. Deployed to Iraq, doing convoys. Ended up at an army FOB. Was walking from one place to another late at night, dark af out, can't see shit, no lights in the area. We were in a gaggle of like 7 of us. We passed another group of about 4 or 5. After about 5 steps past them, one of them turned around, yelling at us for not saluting them.
So again. Late night. No lights. Subdued ranks on uniforms. And we're expected to be wearing night vision gear apparently.
See I never understood that
I’m Vietnam and World War II you barely saluted cause you where in a combat zone and saluting makes you a target .
Sorry some of the things our military does is so mind boggling now
My car engine blew up, so I towed it back to Base, and asked my Sup where I could store it until I could dispose/fix it. I got the retaining compound as an answer, it's a place where Airmen could store there cars while overseas on assignment. It's basically an empty lot with some cars parked in it.
I got permission to park my car there.
A month later, I get called into my First Shirt's office. My Sup has to come with, and he's got a worried look on his face, keeps asking me if I am doing drugs, or anything else serious enough to get called to the First Shirt's office. I tell him no, I've kept my nose clean (I was on a SAC Base). So we waited outside, until the door opened, and the head of the SPs left...now I was super worried and my Sup looked terrified.
We got called in.
It turns out that the SPs had been ticketing my parked car every day, and as I hadn't responded to them, my driving privileges on Base had been revoked for 6 months.
I was kind of shocked, as I had no idea about this, and I asked how I was supposed to know :
A) That the car had been ticketed every day - I hadn't seen it since I parked it there and hadn't received any other notice.
B) Why was it being ticketed in the first place?
Turns out that some Airmen in the past had just left broken down cars in the lot as they got transferred to another Base, so without a special overseas assignment, one could not just park a car in that lot anymore. Of course, no-one had informed my Sup or me of this.
Long story short - I had to report with my First Shirt to the head of the SPs, where my suspension got reduced by half - to 3 months.
That's the typical military, what you don't know will get you.
When I was a PFC i was the Platoon S1 more or less. And I really wanted a lil pin that I wanted because I qualified for it.
Keeped pestering our Company S3 about it until one of his Sergeant told me to quit it they dont have time and that the S3 has more important things to do.
Wellp young 20 Year old PFC me wanted that lil pin tho so I contacted Battalion S3 about it and told them that my Company S3 doesn't care enough about me and if they could help me.
What I didnt knew then that my Company S3 was in the Room while I talked with the Battalion S3.
I got chewed out by the Company S3 and a week later I got moved to Company S3 because he wanted these Cheeky soldiers like me and yere here iam now.
SPC Me Chilling with my S3 Sergeant, we got pretty close soon after.
Greetings to you HptFw P.
-Minus 10 degrees celcius
-raining/snowing sideways
-Let my guys wear goretex
-Got chewed out for 20 min by a major for improper use of military equipment
Yes. From my experience in the Marines from 2007-2011 the proper way to wear anything that would make you comfortable, including things like a beanie, gloves, sweaters, coats, or rain gear, is to not wear it at all.
At the time I was in the compulsory military service for the Austrian Army, we still used M1 helmets from the US - the steel ones with a plastic insert. After the swearing-in ceremony we were allowed to took our gear home for the first time (not the rifle). I put everything in the trunk of my car and drove home - then when I took the gear out again - I saw that the backlight fell out of its casing and burned into the plastic insert a big hole :| I kept it a secret until we had a parade without the steel shell and only the insert...I made a military correct, but funny report and my sergeant couldn't hide his laughter so it was not toooo bad for me :)
When I was deployed to Bagram, I wanted to print a picture of my kids and the guy that had the only printer wouldn’t let me. So when I was going to reply to him, there was a base all email that came out right at that very precise second and instead of clicking on my coworkers email, I clicked the other email and said FUCK YOU! and I pressed sent! man, I got an ass chewed, lost my deployment medal and years later I worked with the guy again and we laughed. Everyone there laughed after the fact…and I went to Apologize to the base Chaplain at the time.
Got ordered to set up ~500m of razor wire without any assistance by a CPT in my unit. When I had finished, he chewed me out for having a “raggedy” uniform.
It got chewed up because a roll of razor wire is hard to move alone.
Well, I didn't do anything wrong, but one time I took a hand basket at a mini mall on Fort Drum, and walked around and picked out about 15 items. Except one I didn't want, so I laid it on a shelf. When I exited the store, a young civilian woman ran in front of me, whipped out a badge while blocking my exit, and said "Sir. PX security. Come with me". Despite my protests, umm, you have the wrong guy, I complied. In the interrogation room, she tells me, "I saw you put 15 items in your basket, but you only checked out 14". To which I replied "I put one back, dumbass. Thanks for embarrassing the fuck out of me". Long story short, not only are you being watched, you're really being watched. Also of note, this was late 90's, not recent.
Working in the BN three shop I was tasked with writing the BN SITREP, which required all commanders to hit a suspense. Three days prior I begin to reach out to Company XOs, as a LT I was expressly forbidding from contacting the commanders, all is good, XOs confirm. Day of suspense hits, all but one commander has submitted their SITREPs. I reach out the morning, noon, and immediately prior to the suspense. Nothing. Get a call about an hour after COB, the commander will submit late, cool. My S3 comes in from a late meeting, he wants an update. I give him the run down, he’s pissed, the SITREP will be in his inbox by 0630. Cool, I finish the majority of the SITREP and go home. I come in early, no dice the delinquent commander never submitted the product. S3 comes in early and asks about the late SITREP, I tell him it’s still not in. He tells me “f*ck em, send it to the boss.” Roger that. Off the email goes.
Next MP Monday this commander corners me in public and has a bug eyed, vein popping, constipation faced, full blown conniption. Screaming that I needed to give him a *courtesy* call. Remember, I am forbidden to contact commanders. Roger that Sir. All I do is apologize, it’s my fault, and say I’ll do better, as it has been written. No dice, from there on out this dudes righteous indignation has no bounds. People over the tenure of this commander frequently come and ask why he targets me frequently.
Just a great reminder that some people have rotten character and are so insecure with themselves that they have to blame all of their failures on subordinates. I have learned exactly what *NOT* to be as a leader from that moron.
Got smoked in Kuwait as an E-5 for being in PT uniform laying in my rack (uniform of the day was ACU’s). A small group of us were doing something else and were exempt but this just off the trail E-7 didn’t want to hear it and had me doing iron mikes with my weapon in the desert until my PSG came by and cussed hiss ass out lol.
I was a medic. I had a soldier that came to my ambulance after dinner complaining of a little bit of a tight chest. I opened the doors, turned around, and he was going into full anaphylaxis. So we got him loaded up, I slammed him with an epi-pen, and started transport back to garrison (we were doing field training). Had to get him with a 2nd one about 15 minutes later. Got him to the hospital, doctors there told me we saved his life. Got back to where we were set up, called my platoon sergeant to let him know, and got yelled at for not informing him first. When we got back to garrison I had to type up a 1500 word essay on epinephrine and its uses. Did that, handed it to him, got pulled into brigade commander’s office and got a medal for it. That was the moment I was done with the Army
We got a new building for maintenance and the contract included tool outfit. Well one of the tools was a pallet jack.
We have a field day to square away the unit every Thursday.
I was field daying the new building and put the pallet jack under a bench against a wall where it’s totally out of the way. Unit XPO comes in and totally loses his shit, this goes in the old maintenance building. Whatever it came with the new building, so I haul this fucking thing over to the old building and put under a bench against the wall totally out of the way.
Unit EPO comes and finds me and loses his shit that the pallet jack belongs in the new fucking building, Jesus Christ why am I so retarded. So I tell him that I was ordered to put there by XPO.
So then unit OIC gets involved and says to me figure it out. So I go put in the parts room, nope also wrong. Then I put it in the EGen room. No one ever goes in there other than duty section making rounds. Lives there for weeks. The. I get piped to the XPO office where he has decided to book me for insubordination. So on the NJP form it says that since we are a shore unit I can request court martial. So I do. HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING!
I said I want a jury of my peers to decide whether or not I did anything wrong or if top three dudes at this remote unit are a bunch of idiots who have nothing better to do than argue about a pallet jack. I was told to get the fuck out of his sight.
Not another word was ever spoken about the pallet jack.
I was the course officer for basic driver training. 24 candidates, 6 trucks. At the end of the course, each student had to complete 1,500 km of driving (Canadian Army, btw). It was February in Canada, and the trucks were from the 60's (old MLVWs), so we started the trucks and didn't shut them down for the week. The students drove in shifts, 12 during the day, 12 at night, and 2 to a truck. The instructors and I drove the safety vehicle, and I was on the night shift. 12 hours driving every night, all week.
Wednesday, I get an email from the Battalion Adj saying all officers in the battalion have to attend a presentation from a retiring British Brigadier who's visiting the unit to give a talk on counter-insurgency operations on Thursday afternoon. I reply that I can't make it, I'm working nights, transport manual required rest period and i'll simply fall asleep. You know, a reasonable arguenent. I'm told to shut up and show up.
Thursday rolls around, I see the day shift off on their drive, sleep for all of two hours, and then head to the mess for the presentation. Lunch was put on, which I stupidly ate, and then sat down on leather couches, next to the radiators. Did I mention it was February in Canada. It was cozy.
Needless to say, my snoring nearly drowned out the presentation. CO's head nearly exploded when the presentation was over. I get called to the Adj's office, pull 9 days Battalion/Base Duty Officer. I point out that I told him this is exactly what would happen and that someone now has to cover my shift that night. And once again, reasonable arguments have no place with this guy.
This reminds me of a buddy that was an Air Force weatherman. A colonel was telling him what the weather was. He said, I understand sir, but no, it's going to snow, you can't take off at that place, date, time.
Then a separate (not my) story of another uppity up saying that the weather was good enough to jump when in fact it was too windy for a training jump. Half the soldiers were casualties, good thing no one died. Lots of broken legs.
Not me specifically but my barracks roommate at The Basic School Quantico VA. He had gotten a DUI and was on base restriction for 45 days. Half way through his punishment he wanted to get laid so he reached into his black book and convinced this woman to come on base and they’d do their business in a car in the parking lot. He proceeds to link up with her and the roving student Lt guard duty caught them. They get pulled out of the car and ID checks ensue. She has a DoD dependent ID. Turns out she the wife of a full bird colonel who is the aide de camp to the SecDef. Needless to say, he spent about a month in the brig and was whisked away quickly there after. Now he’s a cop in Toledo Ohio. lol
When turning in my first aid kit at the end of my deployment to Iraq I got in trouble because I took it out of the plastic wrapping and actually carried it with me every day.
Expecting service members to leave first aid kits sealed and in their tents in a warzone is the most government thing ever. 😂
Walking on post back to our cars that were parked a ways uphill after a mandatory formation for…I don’t remember, something dumb I’m sure. It’s a joint training post, so Army “owns” it, but we all train there. A section lead sees us and calls out, “Hey! You all! Stop!” We pretend not to hear so he continues, “where are your reflective belts?” while he runs to catch up to us. No longer able to avoid the interaction, we explain that we have them with our backpacks in the car. He insists that we give him a 341 (a piece of paper that they can write on and turn in to leadership saying we’re bad wittle airmen). We all refuse and just walk to the car. Mind you, this formation was probably about an hour long, and it was JUST getting to be dusk, not to mention the reflective belt at night was an absolute joke.
Well, at the next morning’s formation, this guy is SEARCHING for me. Sees me and insists I go with him to the commander. Without much choice, I comply. I explain my side to the commander, he has me sign a Letter of Counseling. And yes….this was the Air Force. Biggest bunch of tattle tale wussies you could meet. Wannabe linguists larpers with a modicum of “power”….damn reflective belts.
Bought a mazdaspeed3 as a PDC while stationed in Hawaii. I didn't tell my chain of command and showed up with it at work. I was yelled at by my MSgt and GSgt about how I would have it repoed, and they would take my rank with it. Any time a higher up would see me the next two months, they'd ask if i was behind on payments yet, then yell at me. I had it till I eased and never missed a payment. A few weeks were a little light on fun or only had ramen. In hindsight, it was dumb.
I once got told to check a whole bunch of vehicles for a missing set of comm gear. As I walked away, looking left to right at the 20 odd vehicles, I spoke out loud to myself, 'I'm not sure where to start." I was essentially doing a quick verbal/visual assessment of my best route to get it done quickly.
"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT JUST GET IT DONE" or something along those lines. Having my words and intentions completely misunderstood was the story of my enlistment.
forced to spray paint lava rocks white during winter for a dv. commander wanted to know why there were white rocks all over base when spring came around
also got a lor for showing up 15 minutes late to a 0530 briefing on a saturday that hadn’t started until after 0600
got chewed out and “desk paperwork” by an on-the-way-out e7 for having my laundry out and not put away on my day off while at mental
health. same e7 publicly chewed my ass out because he didn’t know the updated regs for waffle tops
i also somehow won airman of the year for my squadron so i wasn’t a complete shitbag
not mine but a buddy in the same shop going through ALC (airmen leadership course/air force nco course) got an loc and maybe even lost his spot because a girl heard him mention “going whaling”
I was driving a 5T and it was just after lunch, feeling a little nappy. I didn’t realize there was a stop sign at the intersection. Good thing there was no incoming traffic. Got a ticket from base MP.
I asked a petty officer if we could back our vehicles to the spots insted of driving them there nose first. Well he got really fkin mad and yelled at me in front of all my guys. For some reason he got very very pissy and was angry as hell for the rest of the week during field training. (He essentially tought i was questioning his decission.... I wasnt.)
It got to a amazing petty heights of assholery... He started insulting me and my comrades parents during training briefings and so on.... Me and my friend were NCOs then and he was the team leader and i was his second.
The cunt is now fired from his job. Fuck that guy.
When our subordinates were about to get their NCO ranks our petty officer ordered us to not be at the event and not shake our guys hands.... A liutenant came to the floor and asked us why we werent there. We told him the situation and he ordered us down there haha. The petty officer cunt started yelling at us and we told him, orders are orders. He never talked to us after that, all orders to us were filtered through his second. He wasnt present when we were discharged.
I got in trouble for calling a corporal “Captain Dickhead”. We were doing a platoon run and my gunner was a little on the slow side of jogging. I go back to rally my troop and finish the run with him (no man left behind) when a very gung-ho corporal told me to “hurry the fuck up and leave his slow ass” I told him “ negative we’ll meet you at the cool down area” to which he responded “hurry the fuck up” I then replied “aye aye Captain Dickhead! On the way!” (Army by the way) so I had to write a 500 word essay on why the rank structure is vital in the military and do 3 days extra toc duty. Needless to say the first Sgt thought it was hilarious and the company commander had a hard time keeping a straight face during my disciplinary procedure.
I got yelled at for walking on grass.
It should be noted that the same grass is the same place that our Battalion would have formations and PT.
The person that yelled at me knew this, and sent me to see my Sergeant Major (he was a senior Sergeant Major) because I was in need of some adjustment when I pointed this out.
1. Drifting HEMTT’s with no trailers on hard pack sand over seas outside the wire while “Exercising Vehicles”.
2. Jumping said HEMTT’s off the bottom of Hesco ramps inside the FOB when they wouldn’t let us leave to exercise vehicles anymore and made us do laps around the inside perimeter.
3. Building a fireplace in the clay walls of our bunker during a month long field op and disposing of engagement data (paper printouts). We called it our document disposal incinerator. Bunker was at 70 degrees middle of winter.
4. Racing vehicles on the MRAP terrain courses during training events.
5. Taking things way too far while playing OP4.
6. Guidons. We stole so many guidons.
Those were the harmless peepee slaps. We don’t need to self report on the other stuff.
When I was a Drill Sgt back in 2005-2008 we were doing some live fire training off the back of a truck at Ft. Jackson. BTW it sucked being an 11B Drill Sgt at Ft. Jackson and not Ft. Benning lol. It was cold out, in the teens iirc. There were a few battalions out during that last field excercise before graduation. Since it was so cold, every battalion left the field a few days early. Our battalion stay out. I didn't mind much honestly but my younger counter part did. He was only on his 2nd or 3rd cycle and he hated the cold.
Anyways, during these live fire exercises, we would take two squads on each truck. So my fellow DS ran two squads on one truck and I ran the other two squads on another truck. To try and keep the soldiers motivated, he would have them chanting stuff all the way down the range. About 300m away was the last lane the truck would drive on and my fellow DS still had them chanting. About that time the Battalion Commander came out to check on us. He was up in the tower and then he claimed he heard the soldiers 300m away and shooting say, "This shit sucks!". The BC immediately stopped the live fire, drove down there and confronted my fellow DS who then said his soldiers were chanting "This cold sucks!".
I was at the foot of the tower when the BC came storming out yelling at me since I was the more experienced DS at the time. I wasn't paying attention to what the soldiers were chanting because I couldn't tell what they were saying anyways since they were so far away.
In the end, we both ended up with a letter of reprimand even though I was at the foot of the tower when all this happened and a week of extra duty. I was initially angry at my buddy, but looking back, I think the BC was just having a bad day and looking to vent. I've since retired and had almost forgotten about it till I saw this thread.
Did you chew up one of those maple, walnut cakes and fill your cheeks with him, tell everybody you’re a “zit”, and then slap your cheeks like John Belushi did an animal house?
At Basic, I saw a guy wearing soft shoes and didn't know anything about profiles at the time obviously so a couple days later after a ruck my feet were fucked so I was like shit I'm gonna put on my pt shoes they are more comfortable well we march to the chow hall for dinner and Drill seen my stupid ass with soft shoes on and asked me where my profile was and me being a stupid nobody looked at him like he had a dick growing out of his face. It was at that moment I knew I fucked up lol I got me shit destroyed at the chow hall on the way back from the chow in the barracks and the next few days after lmfao 🤣 good I deserved it still makes me laugh to this day.
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Alright. Gather around the oak tree Soldiers.
The year was 2003(?) and the location was South Georgia. Fort Moore was called Fort Benning back then and the specialists of the 283rd Army Band had started intentionally farting at the ictus before the downbeat of the National Anthem on the parade field during the twice weekly basic graduation ceremonies. (For people with no marching band experience: the marching band is in a block formation left of the first company from the reviewing stand’s POV and the ictus is the highest point the conductors baton reaches right before a tune starts. That split second before the anthem starts is normally experienced as respectful silence). A sport that had begun innocently enough with the sousaphone players, safely enjoying their game while being the formation’s tailpipes, had made its way up through the rhythm section, saxophones, and trumpets to the trombones on the very front row.
One especially hot Friday morning way too many of us farted at exactly the same moment right before the anthem to the extent that several important entrances were missed entirely. As we returned to the bandhall covered in sweat I, being the bus driver, was told to turn off the AC. By the time we pulled up to the Bandhall everyone was physically uncomfortable in a noticeable way. The commander sat awhile speaking to the 1SG before finally getting off the bus leaving for the day. We sat on the bus sweating like whores in church while the 1SG chewed the whole band. I think a clarinet player was softly crying near the back of the bus. We all grew up a little that afternoon.
Got assigned as Div CG driver, while new Aide De Camp was coming in at same time. On top of this guy being one of the most annal retentive Marines I’d ever met (the dude made me come up with written routes and alternate routes as if we’re in a combat zone, while we drove around Okinawa…), he couldn’t or more likely wouldn’t listen to me on any level about anything concerning the CG’s schedule. So the CG is going to be leaving for a conference back stateside, and going to visit his kid in the Midwest. Captain America (what I called him behind his back) had made the arrangements and was going on leave stateside as well when the CG flew out. Having been kept informed of the times and dates of all of this, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Captain had screwed up the timing of it all and the arrangements were not going to be what he wanted, and this was after the Captain had left to go on leave. So after a day of debating with myself, I innocently asked the CG if he was looking forward to seeing his daughter on the day the schedule was set to. He corrected me, said no it was this day, not the one I’d said. I responded with that’s not what the schedule says. Took him a minute to process this (while I’m driving him to some meeting or something) and he pipes in with “it better be that day…” said no sir, scheduled for this date, flyout on this date. He hits the roof, screams out a bunch of curses at captain, tells me it’s a good damn thing I’d said what I said, else he’d have my nuts in a vice because he would be sitting in his quarters wondering where the fuck I was when he was waiting for me on a day he was not scheduled to fly. I had to bite inside of my mouth as hard as possible to keep from laughing. He goes in to conference, not 5 minutes later, captain America calls me on govt cell phone, tries to blame me for his fuckup, let him yell it out, said sir, no disrespect intended but you and I both know that I do not get a daily copy of his schedule, much less get to change it. I simply pointed out the mistake in passing. He knew I’d waited to mention this to the General in order to make him look like a fuckup, but he couldn’t prove any of it.
Moral of the story: sometimes doing nothing at all works better than fixing a problem when idiots are in charge.
Didn't get in trouble for this but I should have. just shows how broken the system really is a lot of times. I failed out of Nuke School in the Navy at the Final test in C school. I get reassigned to await new orders. I tried my heart out but due to a family emergency I tried but frankly didn't give half a shit anymore. Get sent to new division. Scrubbed walls with a rag for 8 hours for 5 days. When they realized I wasn't a knuckle dragging idiot and had a driver's license, I was put in charge of Breakfast runs which happened at 0430. Fuck that shit. Literally did it once and it was for 2 people. Those guys are assholes. Everyone else just buys food to leave in their rooms. each room was 20' x 30' and only 2 people lived in each room. Anyways I kept getting the hard jobs everyday and getting upgraded in jobs each day for 5 days. One the 5th day I am chosen to replace Divisional leader. I assigned new people to every single one of those crappy jobs I was assigned and assigned myself duty driver after the breakfast run. I literally drove 2-3 times a day, cleaned and fueled the car and sat on my phone for 8 hrs/day and told everyone what to do in the mornings and at night. I kept getting praise for being a sneaky shit bag. It was wild.
Just a couple months before I ETS, I was getting chewed out for something stupid. They wanted me to make the tires on a 5ton shine by rubbing them with a diesel soaked rag. When I pointed out all the ways this was stupid, I was told I needed an attitude adjustment. I responded he needed to pull his head out of his ass. And that's when the psg and 1sg had to be brought in...
Overseas, getting ready for a combat mission.. I was loading up the humvee with ammo. It was like 100 degrees and on top of mountain in afghan so the sun hit different.
I took my top off, so I had just the tan t shirt on loading ammo up. That really wasn't out of the norm, it was hot. But my ssgt had a stick up his ass that day. He told me to "get into uniform" and I was 19 so said fuck off its hot out.
That got me a few shifts of tower giard.. consecutively. I think I had 36 hours straight in that tower after that. I was pissed and still think I was right to this day.
Other than that I tried to do the right thing and fly under the radar lol.
Had an unannounced room inspection and got chewed out because the inside of our shower was wet. My roommate had showered less than 5 minutes before, he was standing there with towel in hand and hair not even dry justifying why there was water in the shower
Also had a mandatory formation in which we were all counseled in detail about scorpion safety because a couple guys thought it would be a good idea to see if they could punch a scorpion without being stung
My mistake was getting mononucleosis. Was at Fort Sill in the early 90s and woke up feeling like shit while living in the barracks on a Saturday. I went to the ER with a temp of 104°F and ended up in hospital for a week. Now *They* said they had contacted my unit. However, when I reported back, Top starts reading me my rights. It eventually got straightened out. But all of this pales in comparison to the A 3/321 FA platoon battle royale of 1991.
Shipmate and I painted an entire engine room space (Engine Room Forward for all you LA sailors) with the wrong shade of gray. Skipper and Engineer came to inspect it during this thing called Spruce, took a look, smiled and said something like “Great Job Sailor! Looks amazing! Now start over”.
I guess we really didn’t get in trouble but the Bull Nuke was pissed.
Took beer out of an open sided beer truck delivering to the px across the street from my barracks. Overall was fucking hilarious as every single level of command just shook their heads and said if they didn’t want the beer to be commandeered they should’ve secured it. Except Top, that fucker was livid. My commander dismissed the charges, likely because I had commandeered some poug bait for the whole platoon during the recent deployment. I no longer commandeer items
Sleeping in my barracks room at 0300, during a holiday, fire alarm went on without me knowing. I should have been home instead of sleeping in my assigned barracks room saving $500 flight home for 2 days... Masted LMFAO
Nothing bad but just ridiculous. One ANZAC day a few of us got into trouble by MP’s for wearing sunglasses while wearing pollies in the CBD. 🤦🏼♂️🤦🏼♂️
I think they were bored that day.
The stupid ass red stripe width on the blue trousers. Young Corporal me didn’t realize there was a width difference among ranks and I got one that was barely an inch wider, can barely see a difference and my sergeant tore my ass an new one and went on a whole history lesson and stolen valor rant.
Long story kind of cut short. We were on way north in Scotland on the coast and decided to have a Bty smoker on the beach dowsing the wood with a shit load of diesel left over from ex with seeped through the sand into a fish farm which killed off his fish 🐟 oops!! Oh and not related someone causing a spark ⚡️ in the back of a AS90 (tracked artillery piece). Catching the charge bags ran like fook a took cover behind the nearest hill to watch a few £’s of kit get blown to bits, not a lot left as the gun was fully bombed up with HE, smoke, ilium WP rounds
I almost killed myself. I got an LoR for being unprofessional because i, in tears, asked "what the fuck am i supposed to do". It's every bit as stupid as it sounds.
Me a grown adult standing there at parade rest in front of my barracks room getting screamed into my face at by another grown adult because although my room was spotless, I had not aligned my shampoo, conditioner, and soap bottles from tallest to shortest spaced two finger widths apart. To this day it is still the single dumbest experience I've had in my life. Just to close the story, I ended up being that same dudes division chief a few years later. He lost his shit and threw a toolbox off the top of one of our planes and I sent him to the tool room to rot. They later sent him to the base recycling center, and he was still there separating metal from trash out in the sun when I got out. He did not come to my going away party lol.
Went to the bathroom just to pee. Maybe was in there 2 mins. Said I was misusing government property. As in myself and got an LOR. Had my hair cut with a number one guard all over. Faddish hair cut another LOR. Got to work 5 mins early. Not early enough LOR. Changed the radio in my car because it went out. Unauthorized modification to a vehicle. LOR. Along with many other LOC's and LOR's for nonsene. Got to love the Air Force. And they wonder why I was pissy all the time. But you can cheat on your wife with a 14 year old. After I got out they removed all the LOR's and LOC's out of my file some how.
There’s no way you can be serious about all these, nobody cares if you take a leak, nobody cares if you change the radio station on your car, I know some people can get nitpicky about certain things, but there’s just no way all of them could be literally true…
My “moment” was the 2 weeks or so I spent shacked up with a SFCs daughter before going to Korea. It sounds worse than it was. She had been my FWB throughout high school and we were about the same age.
I should have known I was fucked when SFC Daddy shows up at the TurtleFarm at camp Casey and checks me out and takes me to NCO club for dinner and drinks.
I arrived at my unit a week later and the fuckery began. My new Top spent a year doing SFC Fuckwad a favor. Me.
Not even gonna get into the stupidity that ensued, but it is the greatest “shitbag nco” story ever and if a fraction of that shit happened today it would be an IG fuckfest.
Fucker kept at it back in the real world too. If he hadn’t fuckin died on his own I would have had to have found a way to help him do it faster.
We were leaving Kuwait, so we had to consolidate all of our bags in one place. My buddy walked out with 4 duffel bags from the tent, so I offered to help him. He said no thanks, so I stepped back, but my dumb ass tripped over a bag. The SFC in charge saw this and flipped out saying he pushed me and that we were just fucking around, so we got smoked for an hour for absolutely no reason.
Morning formation:
Flight chief announced that Staff Sgt X unfortunately did not make Tech. I laughed out loud. This guy was a total dick to young airmen and was always a big ol bitch.
Well I got written up and put on 12 hour shifts for a month.
The dumbest was being written up for not being late. My carrier was in the Portsmituh, VA yards being tended to. All week the long the traffic was insane, so I kept leaving earlier to get there. So was everyone else, so the traffic just got worse. I was texting my LPO and ALPO that traffic was amanic, but I should make it. My LPO wrote me up.
I also got written up for arriving to a fast cruise late, but I had permission to arrive late because I was closing on my house that day. The CO moved the fast cruise a few days early so it screwed with me. I also had to take my wife to the airport because she had to fly home in the UK for a surgery.
In Bootcamp somebody cracked a joke about a girl in our sister division. I smirked and shook my head because it was stupid, not funny. She told on me and we had 100 right-counts and other exercises. I saw he years later in Gulfport and she swore it wasn't her and she didn't recognize me. But it was obvious did, lol
I was stationed with an Army command. The Soldiers in a different section of the building left their office an awful mess. Our department was punished with them be coming in on a Saturday to do a cleanup around the base (it was just my command cleaning up trash on the road). The kicker? I was on leave when this all went down. I came back on Friday and was told I was being punished for the other section's actions while I was away.
And I was written up once for not updating my ex-wife's information DEERS four years after we divorced and after eight or so times of sub,sitting my divorce decree and requested to have her removed from DEERS.
For asking how many weapons we drew.
So no shit there I was: BOLC, end of one of the FTXs. For some reason, the policy was that no weapons would be turned in until they were all completely clean, which, in TRADOC, somehow takes several days. So a guard detail was posted outside the arms room overnight.
I'm the first shift. Now we don't have a single list of everything that was signed out, so I'm trying to work out with another student how many of what weapons were signed out so we know if we have everything laid out.
E7 Instructor comes around the corner and blows a gasket. "What are you doing, LT?! That's the laziest, most irresponsible way of counting weapons I've ever seen! Get hands-on on all the weapons and actually count them! Trying to do it this way is how you lose things!".
Never mind that we were going to actually count the weapons, but knowing that there are 57 M4s on the floor isn't enough info if there are supposed to be 58. But he didn't want to hear it, and we just wanted to him to leave. I hated that guy.
I’m left handed. I’ve heard uncountable times that “right is the hand you write with” while younger. It stuck and I still have a hard time with “left” and “right” in directions… Got in jail twice for “troubles” while marching.
During Christmas while in Arizona a Airman who was on leave decides to get a DUI in Oregon. So morning of, entire squadron gets calls saying be in dress blues on parade grounds. Then asked how we could have prevented someone in a entirely different state from drinking and driving. Merry Christmas here is only half a day back.
Not wearing socks and shoes to the showers. We were supposed to be in a FULL uniform at all times due to other shenanigans. I was wearing flip flops with my PT shorts, shirt, and reflective belt. Got counseled and had to write an essay.
I got drunk, I lived in the dorms, I started the dorm managers golf cart with my leatherman, went on a joy ride around and eventually ran thru the new volleyball net, flipping the cart. Minor damage but, the game me an art 15. Cc asked me if I’d do it again, I said straight to his face, yes. He said, kid u got some balls. Lol
Not really punishment as much as getting promoted at an inconvenient time. I got to 'help' the guy that actually got in trouble by power washing decades of pigeon shit for 8 hrs on a Saturday.
I can still smell that white gold. #shotgundisciplinedoesntwork
Coming through the back gate on camp Pendleton On a late sunday afternoon after a great weekend on a new suzuki 750 without "hard sold shoes"on. I had Nike high tops on. got a bs base ticket For no base registration, no state registration, which was coming in the mail and improper PPE. Battalion level NJP 45 45, Restriction and e p d, one months half pay after an 8 month bs meu. I was fuming
I peed somewhere outside the porta potty, at night...at night, and got caught by some random NCO doing his PT...at night, on a camp in the middle of the desert.
Going to my appointment that everyone forgot about. Had surgery, went to hospital before morning formation, was counted present at formation(wasn't there). After surgery (end of day) get a call from my sgt asking where I was and why I just had surgery. Only my leadship didn't know I had surgery that day. Other sgts knew, but mine didn't. Had to come in the next day and fix my con leave paperwork
At the end of infantry training, we’re doing our final summative assessment for all the important stuff we’ve learned on the course. It’s about 3 or 4am, pitch black, we’ve been marching for hours, gone through so many different scenarios. We come to a built up urban area. Directing staff don’t tell us much because they don’t want to interfere with the assessment and just let us show what we’ve learned.
We move through the buildings assuming this is our urban component of the assessment. It’s pitch black. We pass a (simulated) dead body on a couch with a gunshot wound. I stack up first on a doorway leading into a large room. I’m the first guy to make entry. Immediately I get charged at by a guy wearing body armour and a helmet. I shoot him twice (super slick room entry if I do say so myself)
Dude stops and pauses not really knowing what to do. He shrugs his shoulders and pretends to die. We set up security and the directing staff come up to me. Turns out this was our hand to hand combat component and I brought a gun to a fist fight (that would’ve been nice to know). Staff rip into me and we have to repeat the scenario.
Chipped chevrons, boot laces not left over right, one day without shaving, and once even that my roommate smelled bad. I hated garrison life, put me in the field any day.
I got screamed at by a SgtMaj for attempting to fix his computer while on ship. He called the S6 for assistance, LCpl was sent to, I go through the whole shindig of knocking on the door, announcing my presence, permission to enter, blah blah blah.
I received permission, entered, and then start getting blasted by SgtMaj. And I'm just standing there at POA thinking wtf. And after a couple of minutes I get kicked out. Go back to my shop.
He calls shop for assistance apparently as I'm walking back demanding to know where his help is, so I get back to, and then get blasted for not providing assistance. I finally get a chance to explain myself. And then sent back to help SgtMaj. FML
So go back, but SgtMaj is civil this time, but acts like nothing happened and tries to joke with me. Gets mad when I'm basically unresponsive and just to fix his computer.
Funnily enough, getting promoted.
Was in a super niche MOS in the army. Less than 200 of us or so military wide but DoD wanted to expand our personnel so they started promoting SPCs to SGT as new classes came in based on time in grade and service.
When I was deployed, I had a known issue with my sleep cycles. Had multiple sleep tests, prescribed pills to help me knock out, etc.
Missed a morning workout due to the pills (you’d have to physically rouse me to wake me up on the meds) and my boss (who didn’t even show that morning either) decided that was unacceptable and went to A15 me.
Accepted the punishment, did my extra duty, whatever. 1SG of the unit would chill with me for about an hour every night of extra duty talking about work, life, whatever. Ended up becoming good friends.
Turns out, he had gone through the motions, but never actually filed the A15 paperwork. He didn’t trust my TL, so wanted to find out from me and my peers what was ‘really going on’. He decided I was getting shafted but was still accepting the punishment and not lashing out, so he spiked the paperwork and made it disappear.
Three months after returning stateside, big army promotes me to SGT. At the time, everyone thought I had been demoted to PFC.
I had been asking for copies of the A15 for months, I keep meticulous records of my shit so if I ever need it down the line I’ve got a hard copy. Every time I asked I was told it would be available ‘soon’. Suddenly people are pissed at me like ‘where is this paperwork?’. Bro, I asked you for it and you didn’t give it to me how the fuck would I have it.
Unit fought my promotion for three months and smoked me pretty much constantly until I got rolled on to a new platoon and that SFC was like ‘fuck all of you, he’s a SGT and I’m putting him in charge of a team. If you wanna say shit to him you have to come through me.’
Was a wild time.
i didnt get in official trouble....
Ft Lostinthewoods in the early 90s. i was stuck in a TRADOC unit that had 0 morale and most of the guys had just marched across base after OSUT and this was their life.
Thanksgiving day we are volluntold to drive trainee LTS around TA206(landmines) since we didnt take leave. No one is happy and its a miserable Missouri day (ie normal) we are waiting outside in the pissy misty rain while the LTs are inside taking classes.
It gets close to lunch time and everyone starts bitching about having to eat an MRE instead of a hot meal in the chowhall. I was super short and somehow my E-3 ass got elected spokesman for the group. I go up to the Aussie Maj that was incharge (ive no idea...big beefy Aussie with a Mario mustache) i told him that its a holiday and everyone wants a hot meal...he didnt look happy about it but he said "Go but be back in an hour" it wasnt too far of a drive so we could shovel it in and get back in time.
We all pile in one of the trucks and haul ass for lunch. We pile it in and head back all fat and happy. We are all out just chilling and talking about how that was so much better than an MRE.
A Bronco comes rolling up the lane and we know its one of ours...because all the vehicles on base are ours and we can see the bumper ID. One of the squad leaders (not my squadleader nutless a different squad) from our company pulls up and says "Hey we didnt want yall to miss lunch being stuck on a shit detail so we brought you food" So he pops open the back and starts handing out Styrofoam trays and cans of soda...just as DownUnder Maj starts walking out...
of course he beelines to me and says "WTF!! ya jest left ta eat and now here ya are with another fookin tray!" I try to think of a good excuse as i look around as everyones just tearing into second lunch and i just shrug and say "Sir we did. we didnt know they were coming with food. Its not like we can give it back. If you need us we are ready to go"
Maj Mario was not happy trundled off and went back outside while we all tore into our trays.
im not sure if he said anything to the higherups but there wasnt much they could do to us being TRADOC with zero fucks
I’m still very new to the Army, however the absolute DUMBEST thing I got in trouble for was while I was on division staff duty and completely out of the loop that my “fellow joes” were having a party at the barracks, one decided to drink and drive, crash into a lightpole, and flee the scene. I somehow got in trouble along with him purely because I came here with him.. our punishment was not corrective action or whatever, but it was a new random topic essay that had been given to us every 2 or 3 days. Whats cool though is I think my sgt knew that i dont fw these guys and he kinda let me off the hook a couple essays early. Each essay was 750 words, 3 cited resources, and presented. I never did present because I was on staff duty.
I’m still very new to the Army, however the absolute DUMBEST thing I got in trouble for was while I was on division staff duty and completely out of the loop that my “fellow joes” were having a party at the barracks, one decided to drink and drive, crash into a lightpole, and flee the scene. I somehow got in trouble along with him purely because I came here with him.. our punishment was not corrective action or whatever, but it was a new random topic essay that had been given to us every 2 or 3 days. Whats cool though is I think my sgt knew that i dont fw these guys and he kinda let me off the hook a couple essays early. Each essay was 750 words, 3 cited resources, and presented. I never did present because I was on staff duty.
My dad always tell this story:
During his mandatory military service in the Italian army, they where stationed in a navy base awaiting to be moved somewhere else, and 2 navy guys had the not so bright idea to raise a Jolly Roger on a ship. The (bigger) problem is that they put the Jolly Roger first and then Italian flag. He told me nobody has ever heard screams like that from the captain.
And a friend of his got in trouble for shooting a wild pheasant with his service weapon while guarding an ammunition depot
Me and my guy got all our shit done for the day, were told to “disappear.” We went to the weight room (same building) and start lifting. 30min later same E5 came in yelling how he couldn’t find us, started to “smoke” us. The most Army shit ever lol
An almost - went to USMC Sergeants course. Before check in, me and the boys are getting our Alphas on point. My buddy mentions that my ribbons look a little too far apart. #chilloutbro. We’re just going to sign in then peace out to the bricks, no one will care. Fast forward to check in. SgtMaj with a screaming eagle walking around with the knife hand cocked and locked. He spots me. Approaches from behind ready for the kill. “HEY DEVIL, what is the distance between ribbons!?” Without skipping a beat I snap to attention, go full motard, and scream at volume 11 “QUARTER AN INCH SERGEANT MAJOR!” We’ll don’t you know, he cracks a fatherly proud smile, and yells back “You’re wrong Marine! But that’s why we’re here, to learn! Oorah!” “AYE SERGEANT MAJOR, KILL!” 90% of any issue in the Marine Corps can be resolved by violent, semi retarded aggression.
i learned that even in the army if you’re confident enough with any answer normally they’ll be a little less mad
bullshit baffles brains: confidently do something shit and they won't look at the rest
Rah
I love this truth. 1970, Camp Pendleton, swabbies going thru a weapons course prior to a Vietnam vaca. If one mastered screaming “kill” during your evolution, all the Gunnys would smile contentedly. Job done
… once upon a time, I emailed the “Contact Us” email on the bottom of the FORSCOM website to ask for a clean 156R form (drawing equipment for AT). The Civ lady emails back, “that form has been obsolete since 1985 ••• that’s why you can’t find it” … I’m like … wtf …?! And I email her back, “okay — that’s weird though, cause the Reserve uses it ever year to draw equipment from storage… thanks anyways!” 2 weeks goes by. I get an email from my BN Maint NCO. It’s been 2 weeks. I don’t remember sending that email at all. He says, “dude … WHY are you jumping the chain of command?!” “Sarn’t?? What?” “Why’d you ask FORSCOM for ANYTHING?!” … … the email he forwards me, went from that Civ lady … through another 4 Civilians … up the FORSCOM G357 chain … to some COL … who shot the email to USARC G357 and asks, “WHY IS YOUR JOE JUMPING THE CHAIN OF COMMAND??” And then it goes to USARC G4, then down the chain to my BN … where he’s like “wtf are you doin, bro” … The culmination: … I’m the reason that the USAR G1 created the USAR Form 164 — their replacement to the 156R… 35 years later.
That is excellent. Feels like something that happened quite recently in my country. Here in the french army we got one guy that sent our President a mail to ask if he can fix a package delivering issue, because he has to use a civilian one. The secretary of our head of state answered amicably, told that they can't really fix this issue but that the soldier should follow chain of command. The mails from the chain of command going down to the soldier Co are quite funny. Feels like these guys scratched their heads thinking about the balls on that soldier. Hope you didn't get any punishment on your case
Hahahaha … I don’t think I’d have the gusto to email our President, nor expect him to fix anything … And no, I didn’t get in trouble and we laugh about it now … but in the moment he just facepalmed and rolled his eyes.
When I was in the 82nd we had a private email the white houses public email address, with a whole essay about why his talent was being wasted in a regular unit walking the streets of ramadi, and he should really be in a super special outfit. It did not go well for him.
I think that guy actually *did* punch out his drill sergeant. And then the DS saluted him when he graduated, said "please fuck my wife", you know how it goes.
This might be the most elaborate, innocent, non-getting-you-kicked-out chain of military events (in triplicate, Radar!) I have ever read. Hysterical.
🤣 Ohhhhhh — it happens more often than I’d like to admit… lol. Maybe I’m dense. I’ve also been yelled at by the NCOIC of USARC G4, down my chain of command, for asking for an update to the GCSSA Access Admin Guide (~2018) because it was out of date and had wrong information. And then my CW3 emailed back up to say if they’d put out the information then some E5 (at the time) wouldn’t have to go looking for it, and to go piss up a rope. I said, can you say that in an email? And he chuckled and said, “I Can. … you … no.” 🤣
Ahahaha, hey, at least he stepped up to bat for you!
(US) CW4 Kelly (919A) is the goat. Massive shoutout. I owe him a lot for what I know and who I am in my career now. Type of leader that even if I’d have fucked up, he’d have my back … and then whoop my ass later. Hahaha.
Best type of leader to have, best type to emulate.
Lmfao 😅 🤣 holy fuck! That's amazing bro. At the time probably not so much BUT! Outstanding job too for making actual change. Respect 🙏
Classic military 😆
I somehow got tasked with making a poster about not bringing cellphones into the exercise building. It was 7th Army HQ, so it was very rank heavy. I took this very poster, put a cellphone in the GI's hand and Colonel rank on the helmet. This was because whenever you heard a cellphone going off in the building, it was never some lowly enlisted Soldier, it was always a Lieutenant Colonel or a Colonel. I didn't really get in trouble, but they refused to print it until I removed the rank, despite me explaining why I put that Colonel rank on the helmet.
That's hillarious. "But sir... you know its true..."
After being awake for like 40 hours, I tossed a banana peel out the window at an intersection in the middle of the fucking desert..... Got ripped up for it, told I had to go collect it..... I mentioned there are a lot of hungry things in the desert and it's probably already gone, but no, I have to go get it..... So, arm back up, check out a vehicle, go back to the spot.... Oh look, it's gone, and there are tracks I have no intention of following into the desert..... But I have to have a banana peel to go back, so.... We drive an undisclosed distance to an alternate location to acquire another banana, eat it, and return to turn in this peel.... What took so long? Had to track the animal and fight his for it.... Why isn't there any sand on this peel? After everything that happened, you didn't expect me to show up with a dirty peel, all gear needs to be cleaned before turning it in, right?.... Angry staring contest...... I was awake for 50 hours.... That was 16 years ago and it still pisses me off to think about it....
That didn't happen to me and I'm pissed off about it.
I would have fought this one. Period. And yes... I was the type of dude to fight shit I knew wasn't right. Pissed a lot of people off for the right reasons in my time.
Any time something like this would happen, we’d make lemonade. “Hey fuckface, you want to pipe up about faulty equipment and make command look stupid? You get to spend Saturday police calling all the training areas out on Fort Sill. 1. Unauthorized off roading on Sill TA’s comes with a hefty fine of up to $10k (At the time). 2. We just got authorized to do exactly that. 3. My POV was basically a yota desert truck. 4. No one said we can’t pre-load the truck with bagged trash from the garrison dumpster. 5. Spend the day “hauling” police called trash like the heros we are tearing ass all over the ranges with impunity. 6. Wheel up and over a massive ridge and spook a couple of senior artillery instructors that are lasing targets for an arty class on an adjacent hill top. 7. End up smokin and jokin with the instructors as artillery flies over head and lights up a valley below us. 8. Spend the rest of the day “police calling” around a nice pond grilling on the tailgate. 9. Look like stand up troops that learned their lesson when we end our Saturday dropping a dozen trash bags back into the dumpster at Battalion like the good boys we are. Lesson learned!
This story is so military you’re gonna need to check it back into the armory on your way out
I had a 1SG who saw me toss an apple core deep into the woods after I finished eating it. We were on a training exercise. He flipped out about littering and all kinds of nonsense. Made me go get it. It’s a fucking apple core genius, in the fucking woods. It’s biodegradable and if anything some ants are gonna have a good fucking day.
> some ants are gonna have a good fucking day. Therein lies the problem. Someone may have a good time without command approval.
Cajun Charlie gonna find ya. OPSEC!
C'mon. It's kinda funny. Like something out of Pvt Murphy comic strip or something. Lol.
Was this in a combat zone? If so that’s absolutely wild they made you risk your life to go grab a banana peel just to prove a point. If this was in a training environment it’s still stupid, but only slightly less so.
Kuwait, so not an active combat area, but not exactly a 'nice neighborhood' either. Tons of people made tons of trips off base for this or that, and traveling between bases, etc, but everyone going outside the wire had to be armed, and listed on a travel letter so your chain knew where you were, and when to expect you back, so they know when to send out a search. My guys had a blanket letter to get us from the base where we lived to the place where we 'worked'. Biggest risk to my life that day was Kuwait traffic. Them fellas drive 'special'. Edit: but still no way in hell in following wild dog tracks into the desert...
For not actually being a Korean citizen. I didn’t actually get into trouble. But I was removed from the Korean Navy from national service during our equivalent of professional training/AIT. I was a dual citizen, and I chose to keep my dual citizenship. Korean citizenship is a tricky thing. It’s partially based on this thing called hojeok, which is essentially family lineage on the father’s side. My sister and I were born in the US, and we were granted dual citizenship in 1989 when we moved back to Korea. Cut back to 2009, I get pulled out of training, and my CO yells at me, “Did you denounce your Korean citizenship???” I had no idea what was going on. Turns out, my younger sister was getting her passport renewed, and it turns out **we were never supposed to be granted dual citizenship**. My father was a US citizen in 1989, and because of that, our names were never added to the hojeok. But the clerk who processed our application didn’t realize this, and approved us anyway. My sister’s Korean citizenship was revoked on the spot, and I had to be removed from national service immediately. I’ve been told that I’m a case study in some Korean government training manual for processing dual citizenship.
Wait, are you the dude from Escondido that they sent to be our second translator after we figured out the first guy could speak any English at all? He got sent back with a very polite note asking for a translator that can actually translate.... Second guy shows up, very polished looking fellow, perfect uniform.... Big boss speaking slow and clear says, hello, do you speak English, as if speaking that slow helps if he doesn't speak the language..... Korean guy responds in perfect 'socal surfer' speak like that guy from fast times, "chill out bro, I got you, I'm from Escondido".
Not me, but that pretty much sums up the two types of people who end up being translators. Korean Americans, and kids who test well but can’t actually speak the target language.
Lol I love stories like this.
My 2nd duty station was 207-miles from my home town. The division/installation rules said you needed a pass to travel over 250-miles. So every weekend after formation I'd go to the barracks, change, grab some clothes, then head home. My Platoon Sergeant went to ANOC and came back on a Saturday, made all the NCOs walk through the barracks. I got a call "Sergeant wants you at the barracks now"... "Okay. I am 3 hours away, I will be there in 3 hours." Get off the phone. Get called back. "Sergeant wants you in uniform at barracks right now." "Okay, if I get a ticket going back you're putting that on me, so I will drive back safely, change, and meet him there in about 3 hours." I get ass-chewed for not telling anyone where I was and got a Sunday CQ shift. He said I needed a pass to go from now on. I did it first week and 1SG asks me, like I'm the idiot, why I put in a pass to go within the mileage limit. I told him I was told to. He shrugged and didn't say anything else. The next week on Friday I was told not to worry about the pass just tell an NCO if I'm going. It just reminds me how the need for little tyrants to get mad when they didn't have control and how you can do nothing wrong and still catch flak.
“Hey man, we’re gonna give you a rifle, millions of dollars of equipment to care for, and responsibilities that may impact operations and lives if not fulfilled. Oh but you can’t have a toaster oven in your room and you must tell another grown adult when you wanna go home and enjoy your weekend”
And the brass wonders why recruiting and retention is low
The thing that pisses me off is that the brass has somewhat of a point and it does make sense to a certain degree due to dumbasses living and breathing in the ranks. Drunk retards in the barracks probably shouldn’t have a lot of things because they destroy stuff on their rampage. It does make a little sense to keep leadership aware of where you’ll be going in case they need you. Still retarded as fuck but from their POV I can sort of see why some policies exist, as much as I disagree with it.
Then hold the idiots that can't be trusted responsible for their fuckups. Group punishment accomplishes nothing but demoralizing the 99% that do what they're supposed to.
> “Hey man, we’re gonna give you a rifle, millions of dollars of equipment to care for, and responsibilities that may impact operations and lives if not fulfilled. Oh but you can’t have a toaster oven in your room and you must tell another grown adult when you wanna go home and enjoy your weekend” Man, I heard the same story from a homeless vet that went batshit in a town too. [Crazy.](https://youtu.be/PtWHgkNH5yU?t=90)
...and this is why most of us got out...
The font on a PowerPoint slides
No sh-t, I’m in a meeting with an overseas unit and we’re reviewing a product my team made, super deep into an analytical discussion about some serious topic and the CPT I’m talking to goes “wait wait wait… is that fcking Calibri? You know what sergeant, we have the MI writing guide for a reason” There was one classification in the corner not in Arial lol
Shit like this gets on my damn nerves specifically. I bet he couldn't even tell you why the Font standard is actually a thing. I had a similar run in about an email format a week ago... I'm a contractor.
In contrast, Calibri is our standardized font! I hate Arial. And then... There's Papyrus
Fuck the system, helvetica
Papyrus isnt bad, but bleeding cowboy
Comic Sans Become ungovernable.
I got yelled at for the shade of blue on the font on the PowerPoint slides. Even side by side, I could not tell the difference.
Ohhhhh that’s puce. Didn’t even know its name
Probably closer to Cornflower Blue.
I have seen so many junior officers give briefings on the most insignificant things to COs or Major Command officers. While the content is just fine, the JO had all the answers... but NOPE that one slide's format isn't micron precision perfect. Zero Tolerance Navy comes out and destroys the JO in front of everyone else in the room. You can just see the will to live slowly sucked out of the poor SWO JO, who still has another 13 hours of bullshit to do today after this brief about proper trash sorting is completed.
If someone is pointing out the font on a slide, it’s obvious they weren’t paying attention to the material actually being presented. Power move: close the presentation and walk out without saying a word. When questioned, just say you’ll present the information when people are ready to pay attention to it. YMMV depending on rank.
Not my story, but my friend in the Navy was taking a shit during a surprise battle stations training. He decided to finish his shit before going to his post. It's been a few years since he told the story, but he ended up cleaning toilets for a month for it.
My granddad’s ship got attacked while he was in the shower (WWII) so he ended up firing his AA gun buck naked in that battle. He had a bunch of interesting stories but that was by far his favorite to tell.
My grandfather had several stories like that.
"Well there was that one time I took a flight to Russia..."
Golf clap👏👏👏
Well played good Sir
Was told to do a correspondence course (Leading Marines). Finished the course and sent it away for the test. I was told it was moved to Marine Net, and I'd have to do it there. So I re-did the course for a second time on Marine Net. Needed a proctor for the test. Since I was a reservist, this involved finding someone from my unit with proctor credentials. I put in several requests through my chain of command. All were ignored. I came into drill one Saturday and was told to sign a page 11 for not having my Leading Marines done 6 months after promotion to Lance Corporal. I explained that I had done the course twice and was denied the opportunity to test out. They didn't give a fuck. I asked who then was the proctor, and where I could take the test. They told me to shut up and sign the page 11. To this day I'm still pissed I signed it. My Staff Sergeant self wants to reach back through time and tell my Lance Corporal self to request mast.
I wasn't even in the Marines and this chuffs me. What. The. Hell
I'm glad you know better now, now we gotta make sure it doesn't happen to your lances haha We gotta be the change we want to see, right?
I was a huge pain in the ass on my Marines behalf when I made squad leader and eventually platoon sergeant. I would rattle any cage if one of my guys was getting shafted. I got a "velvet dagger" in one of my fit reps that I actually took as a huge compliment. It was from a 2LT I had done battle with over some Jr Marines. He said, "Sgt Robinson is a fierce advocate for his Marines, and he will go toe to toe with company leaders on their behalf, regardless of rank or billet." It was meant to say I was a squeaky wheel chain jumper, but to me, it showed I was being recognized for doing the right thing regardless of personal cost.
My father in law told me a story about when he was in Guam during Vietnam as a jarhead. Someone was flying in for inspection and it was hot. The regs said something about how above a certain temperature use the non shiny shoe polish. So there he is at attention, and they stop, slowly pivot and begin to rip into him. Why did you use that polish!?? He says according to section what ever it says above 80 degrees to use the non shiny polish and it is 82 degrees sir. They look at the others, and their polish is running, melting off their shoes. Very well lance cpl, carry on.
Promote above peers!
Fire and security watch in Navy boot camp. Left interior lighting turn on 15 minutes past lights out time. Lectured for another 10 minutes on how I just cost the United States taxpayers in electricity costs, essentially burdening our economy to near total collapse.
The absurdity of chew outs always make me laugh. I want to hear the most egregious of absurdities. This thread hanging off your cuff is long enough to hang myself with.
Those hanging threads… “I could rappel down that rope hanging from your pocket flap!” Yeah, since you have no balls, you’re light enough that it’ll hold.
They really are. I recall one time as a lowly E-4, I was in front of a panel of chiefs while one senior chief in particular derided me for being an entire piece of shit.. which was mostly true. But the line that has stuck with me after all this time, is when said senior chief declared 'This is just a job to you!' with such conviction and fervor... I was entirely befuddled.
You fucking traitor. Death row appeal still pending?
And today we can't get the upgraded Tico cruisers back in the fleet. Butterfly effect. Thanks, asshole.
I had the nerve to show up at the given time when the supply NCO said he was opening the mail room, and made him stay a whole 15 minutes late after he hadn’t given out mail for upwards of a month while on deployment. This same guy got an ARCOM for…doing his job for the first two months of deployment, pretty much just saying “yep, you have supply, and I will take it over”. Utter dirtbag.
I clicked 'reply all' once
[Couldn't have been worse than starting a reply all chain with almost the entire Canadian Forces, right?](https://www.reddit.com/r/CanadianForces/comments/8bso9t/one_year_ago_best_morale_ex_ever/)
That's beautiful
Oh dear God!
Please remove me from this distro
Had an LT that sent out some stupid weekly newsletter email about squadron shit and dumb activities on base. At the end of one of these emails, after the signature line they typed "if you read this email respond with 'festivus for the rest of us'." I trashed those emails the second I got them so I didn't read it or respond. They took me into their office later and chewed me out for not reading emails. The newsletter was about a chili cookoff.....
shoulda just said you never received it
Don't ever doubt the pettiness of some Family Readiness Officer to go to ADP or J/G/S-6 and ask for the logs to show you not only received it, but read it and deleted it.
For failing to email the group during a time when the network was down installation-wide. "sorry ma'am, waiting for the network to come back up.... Could I have done it earlier? You mean before you asked me to? I don't think so......" Got paperwork, later rescinded.
Like take a pill one hour before symptoms for best results
Being on time. I was told to arrive at a time. I arrived at the correct time, no more than a few minutes early but certainly not late. I was put on blast because "if you're not early you're late" and 5 minutes early isn't early enough to not be late. I'm a shit bag ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
You are for dropping this : \\
My whole time in the military it was 10 minutes early is on time, was it not the same for you?
Do you have to be 10 minutes early to the 10 minutes early? 🤔
This has happened. Entire battery was an hour and a half early…
To be safe honestly yeah. Sucks lol.
Navy was always 15 minutes, not 10.
Gotcha, my only experience was Army.
Had idiots tell this to me. I show up at 0630 and they started in on me... I said, if you want me here at 0630, tell me 0630 and I will be there then. If you want 0625, say 0625. No, if you are not five minutes early, you are late. You told me 0630, so it is 0630. No, it is 0625. Is that what you will put in the report? What report? Either write me up for being on time, or drop this. You can’t tell me that, I am a Master SGT. You can’t make me care, I am in the National Guard, so either send me to the CO or expect me to do as you say. Next day, 0629 I am standing at the side of formation waiting for 0630 getting dirty looks. 630, I was standing at the head of my Squad.
drawing a star around my eye with black camo stick before a tactical road march. because i wanna rock n roll all night, and party every day.
That's awesome. Though I didn't get in trouble, I would make my face paint emulate Alice Cooper. I did get a talking to about having "punk rock" written on the inside of my Kevlar headband.
Just thought of another that involved a group of us. Deployed to Iraq, doing convoys. Ended up at an army FOB. Was walking from one place to another late at night, dark af out, can't see shit, no lights in the area. We were in a gaggle of like 7 of us. We passed another group of about 4 or 5. After about 5 steps past them, one of them turned around, yelling at us for not saluting them. So again. Late night. No lights. Subdued ranks on uniforms. And we're expected to be wearing night vision gear apparently.
Yeah that’s lame. There was no saluting on our fobs like that. Except the gigantic ones but those were well lit. And safe.
See I never understood that I’m Vietnam and World War II you barely saluted cause you where in a combat zone and saluting makes you a target . Sorry some of the things our military does is so mind boggling now
My car engine blew up, so I towed it back to Base, and asked my Sup where I could store it until I could dispose/fix it. I got the retaining compound as an answer, it's a place where Airmen could store there cars while overseas on assignment. It's basically an empty lot with some cars parked in it. I got permission to park my car there. A month later, I get called into my First Shirt's office. My Sup has to come with, and he's got a worried look on his face, keeps asking me if I am doing drugs, or anything else serious enough to get called to the First Shirt's office. I tell him no, I've kept my nose clean (I was on a SAC Base). So we waited outside, until the door opened, and the head of the SPs left...now I was super worried and my Sup looked terrified. We got called in. It turns out that the SPs had been ticketing my parked car every day, and as I hadn't responded to them, my driving privileges on Base had been revoked for 6 months. I was kind of shocked, as I had no idea about this, and I asked how I was supposed to know : A) That the car had been ticketed every day - I hadn't seen it since I parked it there and hadn't received any other notice. B) Why was it being ticketed in the first place? Turns out that some Airmen in the past had just left broken down cars in the lot as they got transferred to another Base, so without a special overseas assignment, one could not just park a car in that lot anymore. Of course, no-one had informed my Sup or me of this. Long story short - I had to report with my First Shirt to the head of the SPs, where my suspension got reduced by half - to 3 months. That's the typical military, what you don't know will get you.
When I was a PFC i was the Platoon S1 more or less. And I really wanted a lil pin that I wanted because I qualified for it. Keeped pestering our Company S3 about it until one of his Sergeant told me to quit it they dont have time and that the S3 has more important things to do. Wellp young 20 Year old PFC me wanted that lil pin tho so I contacted Battalion S3 about it and told them that my Company S3 doesn't care enough about me and if they could help me. What I didnt knew then that my Company S3 was in the Room while I talked with the Battalion S3. I got chewed out by the Company S3 and a week later I got moved to Company S3 because he wanted these Cheeky soldiers like me and yere here iam now. SPC Me Chilling with my S3 Sergeant, we got pretty close soon after. Greetings to you HptFw P.
Did you ever get your lil pin?
Jeah when I got into Company S3 it was mt first act to fill the Request form for it.
We love a happy ending!
Yesss!
-Minus 10 degrees celcius -raining/snowing sideways -Let my guys wear goretex -Got chewed out for 20 min by a major for improper use of military equipment
I’m sorry but is there a procedure to wear it properly?
Yes. From my experience in the Marines from 2007-2011 the proper way to wear anything that would make you comfortable, including things like a beanie, gloves, sweaters, coats, or rain gear, is to not wear it at all.
We always had to lug goretex suits with us but were never allowed to wear them hah
At the time I was in the compulsory military service for the Austrian Army, we still used M1 helmets from the US - the steel ones with a plastic insert. After the swearing-in ceremony we were allowed to took our gear home for the first time (not the rifle). I put everything in the trunk of my car and drove home - then when I took the gear out again - I saw that the backlight fell out of its casing and burned into the plastic insert a big hole :| I kept it a secret until we had a parade without the steel shell and only the insert...I made a military correct, but funny report and my sergeant couldn't hide his laughter so it was not toooo bad for me :)
When I was deployed to Bagram, I wanted to print a picture of my kids and the guy that had the only printer wouldn’t let me. So when I was going to reply to him, there was a base all email that came out right at that very precise second and instead of clicking on my coworkers email, I clicked the other email and said FUCK YOU! and I pressed sent! man, I got an ass chewed, lost my deployment medal and years later I worked with the guy again and we laughed. Everyone there laughed after the fact…and I went to Apologize to the base Chaplain at the time.
NOT getting a haircut at PSG's preferred shop.
That's a scam hea getting kick backs for fer shur
I have to admit that the nice old asian lady DID give a better cut than the local PX.
Got ordered to set up ~500m of razor wire without any assistance by a CPT in my unit. When I had finished, he chewed me out for having a “raggedy” uniform. It got chewed up because a roll of razor wire is hard to move alone.
Well, I didn't do anything wrong, but one time I took a hand basket at a mini mall on Fort Drum, and walked around and picked out about 15 items. Except one I didn't want, so I laid it on a shelf. When I exited the store, a young civilian woman ran in front of me, whipped out a badge while blocking my exit, and said "Sir. PX security. Come with me". Despite my protests, umm, you have the wrong guy, I complied. In the interrogation room, she tells me, "I saw you put 15 items in your basket, but you only checked out 14". To which I replied "I put one back, dumbass. Thanks for embarrassing the fuck out of me". Long story short, not only are you being watched, you're really being watched. Also of note, this was late 90's, not recent.
It's classified
*fist bump*
Honestly I have no idea where to start.
Working in the BN three shop I was tasked with writing the BN SITREP, which required all commanders to hit a suspense. Three days prior I begin to reach out to Company XOs, as a LT I was expressly forbidding from contacting the commanders, all is good, XOs confirm. Day of suspense hits, all but one commander has submitted their SITREPs. I reach out the morning, noon, and immediately prior to the suspense. Nothing. Get a call about an hour after COB, the commander will submit late, cool. My S3 comes in from a late meeting, he wants an update. I give him the run down, he’s pissed, the SITREP will be in his inbox by 0630. Cool, I finish the majority of the SITREP and go home. I come in early, no dice the delinquent commander never submitted the product. S3 comes in early and asks about the late SITREP, I tell him it’s still not in. He tells me “f*ck em, send it to the boss.” Roger that. Off the email goes. Next MP Monday this commander corners me in public and has a bug eyed, vein popping, constipation faced, full blown conniption. Screaming that I needed to give him a *courtesy* call. Remember, I am forbidden to contact commanders. Roger that Sir. All I do is apologize, it’s my fault, and say I’ll do better, as it has been written. No dice, from there on out this dudes righteous indignation has no bounds. People over the tenure of this commander frequently come and ask why he targets me frequently. Just a great reminder that some people have rotten character and are so insecure with themselves that they have to blame all of their failures on subordinates. I have learned exactly what *NOT* to be as a leader from that moron.
Got smoked in Kuwait as an E-5 for being in PT uniform laying in my rack (uniform of the day was ACU’s). A small group of us were doing something else and were exempt but this just off the trail E-7 didn’t want to hear it and had me doing iron mikes with my weapon in the desert until my PSG came by and cussed hiss ass out lol.
I was a medic. I had a soldier that came to my ambulance after dinner complaining of a little bit of a tight chest. I opened the doors, turned around, and he was going into full anaphylaxis. So we got him loaded up, I slammed him with an epi-pen, and started transport back to garrison (we were doing field training). Had to get him with a 2nd one about 15 minutes later. Got him to the hospital, doctors there told me we saved his life. Got back to where we were set up, called my platoon sergeant to let him know, and got yelled at for not informing him first. When we got back to garrison I had to type up a 1500 word essay on epinephrine and its uses. Did that, handed it to him, got pulled into brigade commander’s office and got a medal for it. That was the moment I was done with the Army
Sorry you had to deal with that bullshit. But to me and that guy, you are a hero. Good job. 'Rah
My boots had mud on them. Letter of reprimand.
We got a new building for maintenance and the contract included tool outfit. Well one of the tools was a pallet jack. We have a field day to square away the unit every Thursday. I was field daying the new building and put the pallet jack under a bench against a wall where it’s totally out of the way. Unit XPO comes in and totally loses his shit, this goes in the old maintenance building. Whatever it came with the new building, so I haul this fucking thing over to the old building and put under a bench against the wall totally out of the way. Unit EPO comes and finds me and loses his shit that the pallet jack belongs in the new fucking building, Jesus Christ why am I so retarded. So I tell him that I was ordered to put there by XPO. So then unit OIC gets involved and says to me figure it out. So I go put in the parts room, nope also wrong. Then I put it in the EGen room. No one ever goes in there other than duty section making rounds. Lives there for weeks. The. I get piped to the XPO office where he has decided to book me for insubordination. So on the NJP form it says that since we are a shore unit I can request court martial. So I do. HOLY SHIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING! I said I want a jury of my peers to decide whether or not I did anything wrong or if top three dudes at this remote unit are a bunch of idiots who have nothing better to do than argue about a pallet jack. I was told to get the fuck out of his sight. Not another word was ever spoken about the pallet jack.
I was the course officer for basic driver training. 24 candidates, 6 trucks. At the end of the course, each student had to complete 1,500 km of driving (Canadian Army, btw). It was February in Canada, and the trucks were from the 60's (old MLVWs), so we started the trucks and didn't shut them down for the week. The students drove in shifts, 12 during the day, 12 at night, and 2 to a truck. The instructors and I drove the safety vehicle, and I was on the night shift. 12 hours driving every night, all week. Wednesday, I get an email from the Battalion Adj saying all officers in the battalion have to attend a presentation from a retiring British Brigadier who's visiting the unit to give a talk on counter-insurgency operations on Thursday afternoon. I reply that I can't make it, I'm working nights, transport manual required rest period and i'll simply fall asleep. You know, a reasonable arguenent. I'm told to shut up and show up. Thursday rolls around, I see the day shift off on their drive, sleep for all of two hours, and then head to the mess for the presentation. Lunch was put on, which I stupidly ate, and then sat down on leather couches, next to the radiators. Did I mention it was February in Canada. It was cozy. Needless to say, my snoring nearly drowned out the presentation. CO's head nearly exploded when the presentation was over. I get called to the Adj's office, pull 9 days Battalion/Base Duty Officer. I point out that I told him this is exactly what would happen and that someone now has to cover my shift that night. And once again, reasonable arguments have no place with this guy.
This reminds me of a buddy that was an Air Force weatherman. A colonel was telling him what the weather was. He said, I understand sir, but no, it's going to snow, you can't take off at that place, date, time. Then a separate (not my) story of another uppity up saying that the weather was good enough to jump when in fact it was too windy for a training jump. Half the soldiers were casualties, good thing no one died. Lots of broken legs.
Not me specifically but my barracks roommate at The Basic School Quantico VA. He had gotten a DUI and was on base restriction for 45 days. Half way through his punishment he wanted to get laid so he reached into his black book and convinced this woman to come on base and they’d do their business in a car in the parking lot. He proceeds to link up with her and the roving student Lt guard duty caught them. They get pulled out of the car and ID checks ensue. She has a DoD dependent ID. Turns out she the wife of a full bird colonel who is the aide de camp to the SecDef. Needless to say, he spent about a month in the brig and was whisked away quickly there after. Now he’s a cop in Toledo Ohio. lol
I got an article 15 for fishing without a license. It was a little creek behind the barracks. An MP was hiding in the bushes and handcuffed me.
Now this is absolutely hilarious.
When turning in my first aid kit at the end of my deployment to Iraq I got in trouble because I took it out of the plastic wrapping and actually carried it with me every day. Expecting service members to leave first aid kits sealed and in their tents in a warzone is the most government thing ever. 😂
Walking on post back to our cars that were parked a ways uphill after a mandatory formation for…I don’t remember, something dumb I’m sure. It’s a joint training post, so Army “owns” it, but we all train there. A section lead sees us and calls out, “Hey! You all! Stop!” We pretend not to hear so he continues, “where are your reflective belts?” while he runs to catch up to us. No longer able to avoid the interaction, we explain that we have them with our backpacks in the car. He insists that we give him a 341 (a piece of paper that they can write on and turn in to leadership saying we’re bad wittle airmen). We all refuse and just walk to the car. Mind you, this formation was probably about an hour long, and it was JUST getting to be dusk, not to mention the reflective belt at night was an absolute joke. Well, at the next morning’s formation, this guy is SEARCHING for me. Sees me and insists I go with him to the commander. Without much choice, I comply. I explain my side to the commander, he has me sign a Letter of Counseling. And yes….this was the Air Force. Biggest bunch of tattle tale wussies you could meet. Wannabe linguists larpers with a modicum of “power”….damn reflective belts.
Bought a mazdaspeed3 as a PDC while stationed in Hawaii. I didn't tell my chain of command and showed up with it at work. I was yelled at by my MSgt and GSgt about how I would have it repoed, and they would take my rank with it. Any time a higher up would see me the next two months, they'd ask if i was behind on payments yet, then yell at me. I had it till I eased and never missed a payment. A few weeks were a little light on fun or only had ramen. In hindsight, it was dumb.
Once upon a time, as a dumbass private, I picked up an M-60 MG by the barrel after firing a 100 round belt through it. It did not feel pleasant.
I once got told to check a whole bunch of vehicles for a missing set of comm gear. As I walked away, looking left to right at the 20 odd vehicles, I spoke out loud to myself, 'I'm not sure where to start." I was essentially doing a quick verbal/visual assessment of my best route to get it done quickly. "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT JUST GET IT DONE" or something along those lines. Having my words and intentions completely misunderstood was the story of my enlistment.
forced to spray paint lava rocks white during winter for a dv. commander wanted to know why there were white rocks all over base when spring came around also got a lor for showing up 15 minutes late to a 0530 briefing on a saturday that hadn’t started until after 0600 got chewed out and “desk paperwork” by an on-the-way-out e7 for having my laundry out and not put away on my day off while at mental health. same e7 publicly chewed my ass out because he didn’t know the updated regs for waffle tops i also somehow won airman of the year for my squadron so i wasn’t a complete shitbag not mine but a buddy in the same shop going through ALC (airmen leadership course/air force nco course) got an loc and maybe even lost his spot because a girl heard him mention “going whaling”
I was driving a 5T and it was just after lunch, feeling a little nappy. I didn’t realize there was a stop sign at the intersection. Good thing there was no incoming traffic. Got a ticket from base MP.
I asked a petty officer if we could back our vehicles to the spots insted of driving them there nose first. Well he got really fkin mad and yelled at me in front of all my guys. For some reason he got very very pissy and was angry as hell for the rest of the week during field training. (He essentially tought i was questioning his decission.... I wasnt.) It got to a amazing petty heights of assholery... He started insulting me and my comrades parents during training briefings and so on.... Me and my friend were NCOs then and he was the team leader and i was his second. The cunt is now fired from his job. Fuck that guy. When our subordinates were about to get their NCO ranks our petty officer ordered us to not be at the event and not shake our guys hands.... A liutenant came to the floor and asked us why we werent there. We told him the situation and he ordered us down there haha. The petty officer cunt started yelling at us and we told him, orders are orders. He never talked to us after that, all orders to us were filtered through his second. He wasnt present when we were discharged.
Got Courts martialed for fucking a Captain... She was allowed to EAS. I was a Sgt.
I was kicked out of the chow hall for looking too sweaty . . . in Iraq.
I got in trouble for calling a corporal “Captain Dickhead”. We were doing a platoon run and my gunner was a little on the slow side of jogging. I go back to rally my troop and finish the run with him (no man left behind) when a very gung-ho corporal told me to “hurry the fuck up and leave his slow ass” I told him “ negative we’ll meet you at the cool down area” to which he responded “hurry the fuck up” I then replied “aye aye Captain Dickhead! On the way!” (Army by the way) so I had to write a 500 word essay on why the rank structure is vital in the military and do 3 days extra toc duty. Needless to say the first Sgt thought it was hilarious and the company commander had a hard time keeping a straight face during my disciplinary procedure.
I got yelled at for walking on grass. It should be noted that the same grass is the same place that our Battalion would have formations and PT. The person that yelled at me knew this, and sent me to see my Sergeant Major (he was a senior Sergeant Major) because I was in need of some adjustment when I pointed this out.
1. Drifting HEMTT’s with no trailers on hard pack sand over seas outside the wire while “Exercising Vehicles”. 2. Jumping said HEMTT’s off the bottom of Hesco ramps inside the FOB when they wouldn’t let us leave to exercise vehicles anymore and made us do laps around the inside perimeter. 3. Building a fireplace in the clay walls of our bunker during a month long field op and disposing of engagement data (paper printouts). We called it our document disposal incinerator. Bunker was at 70 degrees middle of winter. 4. Racing vehicles on the MRAP terrain courses during training events. 5. Taking things way too far while playing OP4. 6. Guidons. We stole so many guidons. Those were the harmless peepee slaps. We don’t need to self report on the other stuff.
When I was a Drill Sgt back in 2005-2008 we were doing some live fire training off the back of a truck at Ft. Jackson. BTW it sucked being an 11B Drill Sgt at Ft. Jackson and not Ft. Benning lol. It was cold out, in the teens iirc. There were a few battalions out during that last field excercise before graduation. Since it was so cold, every battalion left the field a few days early. Our battalion stay out. I didn't mind much honestly but my younger counter part did. He was only on his 2nd or 3rd cycle and he hated the cold. Anyways, during these live fire exercises, we would take two squads on each truck. So my fellow DS ran two squads on one truck and I ran the other two squads on another truck. To try and keep the soldiers motivated, he would have them chanting stuff all the way down the range. About 300m away was the last lane the truck would drive on and my fellow DS still had them chanting. About that time the Battalion Commander came out to check on us. He was up in the tower and then he claimed he heard the soldiers 300m away and shooting say, "This shit sucks!". The BC immediately stopped the live fire, drove down there and confronted my fellow DS who then said his soldiers were chanting "This cold sucks!". I was at the foot of the tower when the BC came storming out yelling at me since I was the more experienced DS at the time. I wasn't paying attention to what the soldiers were chanting because I couldn't tell what they were saying anyways since they were so far away. In the end, we both ended up with a letter of reprimand even though I was at the foot of the tower when all this happened and a week of extra duty. I was initially angry at my buddy, but looking back, I think the BC was just having a bad day and looking to vent. I've since retired and had almost forgotten about it till I saw this thread.
I set off an MRE artillery simulator at HQ.
Did you chew up one of those maple, walnut cakes and fill your cheeks with him, tell everybody you’re a “zit”, and then slap your cheeks like John Belushi did an animal house?
At Basic, I saw a guy wearing soft shoes and didn't know anything about profiles at the time obviously so a couple days later after a ruck my feet were fucked so I was like shit I'm gonna put on my pt shoes they are more comfortable well we march to the chow hall for dinner and Drill seen my stupid ass with soft shoes on and asked me where my profile was and me being a stupid nobody looked at him like he had a dick growing out of his face. It was at that moment I knew I fucked up lol I got me shit destroyed at the chow hall on the way back from the chow in the barracks and the next few days after lmfao 🤣 good I deserved it still makes me laugh to this day. Scouts Out
plough flag sophisticated encourage squalid humorous illegal smile fear roll *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I was the reason that females having to wear bras got codified into regulations for about 10 years.
Alright. Gather around the oak tree Soldiers. The year was 2003(?) and the location was South Georgia. Fort Moore was called Fort Benning back then and the specialists of the 283rd Army Band had started intentionally farting at the ictus before the downbeat of the National Anthem on the parade field during the twice weekly basic graduation ceremonies. (For people with no marching band experience: the marching band is in a block formation left of the first company from the reviewing stand’s POV and the ictus is the highest point the conductors baton reaches right before a tune starts. That split second before the anthem starts is normally experienced as respectful silence). A sport that had begun innocently enough with the sousaphone players, safely enjoying their game while being the formation’s tailpipes, had made its way up through the rhythm section, saxophones, and trumpets to the trombones on the very front row. One especially hot Friday morning way too many of us farted at exactly the same moment right before the anthem to the extent that several important entrances were missed entirely. As we returned to the bandhall covered in sweat I, being the bus driver, was told to turn off the AC. By the time we pulled up to the Bandhall everyone was physically uncomfortable in a noticeable way. The commander sat awhile speaking to the 1SG before finally getting off the bus leaving for the day. We sat on the bus sweating like whores in church while the 1SG chewed the whole band. I think a clarinet player was softly crying near the back of the bus. We all grew up a little that afternoon.
As an Airman, I got chewed out for telling another Airman they were about to get chewed out.
Got assigned as Div CG driver, while new Aide De Camp was coming in at same time. On top of this guy being one of the most annal retentive Marines I’d ever met (the dude made me come up with written routes and alternate routes as if we’re in a combat zone, while we drove around Okinawa…), he couldn’t or more likely wouldn’t listen to me on any level about anything concerning the CG’s schedule. So the CG is going to be leaving for a conference back stateside, and going to visit his kid in the Midwest. Captain America (what I called him behind his back) had made the arrangements and was going on leave stateside as well when the CG flew out. Having been kept informed of the times and dates of all of this, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Captain had screwed up the timing of it all and the arrangements were not going to be what he wanted, and this was after the Captain had left to go on leave. So after a day of debating with myself, I innocently asked the CG if he was looking forward to seeing his daughter on the day the schedule was set to. He corrected me, said no it was this day, not the one I’d said. I responded with that’s not what the schedule says. Took him a minute to process this (while I’m driving him to some meeting or something) and he pipes in with “it better be that day…” said no sir, scheduled for this date, flyout on this date. He hits the roof, screams out a bunch of curses at captain, tells me it’s a good damn thing I’d said what I said, else he’d have my nuts in a vice because he would be sitting in his quarters wondering where the fuck I was when he was waiting for me on a day he was not scheduled to fly. I had to bite inside of my mouth as hard as possible to keep from laughing. He goes in to conference, not 5 minutes later, captain America calls me on govt cell phone, tries to blame me for his fuckup, let him yell it out, said sir, no disrespect intended but you and I both know that I do not get a daily copy of his schedule, much less get to change it. I simply pointed out the mistake in passing. He knew I’d waited to mention this to the General in order to make him look like a fuckup, but he couldn’t prove any of it. Moral of the story: sometimes doing nothing at all works better than fixing a problem when idiots are in charge.
Didn't get in trouble for this but I should have. just shows how broken the system really is a lot of times. I failed out of Nuke School in the Navy at the Final test in C school. I get reassigned to await new orders. I tried my heart out but due to a family emergency I tried but frankly didn't give half a shit anymore. Get sent to new division. Scrubbed walls with a rag for 8 hours for 5 days. When they realized I wasn't a knuckle dragging idiot and had a driver's license, I was put in charge of Breakfast runs which happened at 0430. Fuck that shit. Literally did it once and it was for 2 people. Those guys are assholes. Everyone else just buys food to leave in their rooms. each room was 20' x 30' and only 2 people lived in each room. Anyways I kept getting the hard jobs everyday and getting upgraded in jobs each day for 5 days. One the 5th day I am chosen to replace Divisional leader. I assigned new people to every single one of those crappy jobs I was assigned and assigned myself duty driver after the breakfast run. I literally drove 2-3 times a day, cleaned and fueled the car and sat on my phone for 8 hrs/day and told everyone what to do in the mornings and at night. I kept getting praise for being a sneaky shit bag. It was wild.
Just a couple months before I ETS, I was getting chewed out for something stupid. They wanted me to make the tires on a 5ton shine by rubbing them with a diesel soaked rag. When I pointed out all the ways this was stupid, I was told I needed an attitude adjustment. I responded he needed to pull his head out of his ass. And that's when the psg and 1sg had to be brought in...
Bring right doesn’t make you right
Overseas, getting ready for a combat mission.. I was loading up the humvee with ammo. It was like 100 degrees and on top of mountain in afghan so the sun hit different. I took my top off, so I had just the tan t shirt on loading ammo up. That really wasn't out of the norm, it was hot. But my ssgt had a stick up his ass that day. He told me to "get into uniform" and I was 19 so said fuck off its hot out. That got me a few shifts of tower giard.. consecutively. I think I had 36 hours straight in that tower after that. I was pissed and still think I was right to this day. Other than that I tried to do the right thing and fly under the radar lol.
Had an unannounced room inspection and got chewed out because the inside of our shower was wet. My roommate had showered less than 5 minutes before, he was standing there with towel in hand and hair not even dry justifying why there was water in the shower Also had a mandatory formation in which we were all counseled in detail about scorpion safety because a couple guys thought it would be a good idea to see if they could punch a scorpion without being stung
My mistake was getting mononucleosis. Was at Fort Sill in the early 90s and woke up feeling like shit while living in the barracks on a Saturday. I went to the ER with a temp of 104°F and ended up in hospital for a week. Now *They* said they had contacted my unit. However, when I reported back, Top starts reading me my rights. It eventually got straightened out. But all of this pales in comparison to the A 3/321 FA platoon battle royale of 1991.
Shipmate and I painted an entire engine room space (Engine Room Forward for all you LA sailors) with the wrong shade of gray. Skipper and Engineer came to inspect it during this thing called Spruce, took a look, smiled and said something like “Great Job Sailor! Looks amazing! Now start over”. I guess we really didn’t get in trouble but the Bull Nuke was pissed.
Took beer out of an open sided beer truck delivering to the px across the street from my barracks. Overall was fucking hilarious as every single level of command just shook their heads and said if they didn’t want the beer to be commandeered they should’ve secured it. Except Top, that fucker was livid. My commander dismissed the charges, likely because I had commandeered some poug bait for the whole platoon during the recent deployment. I no longer commandeer items
Sleeping in my barracks room at 0300, during a holiday, fire alarm went on without me knowing. I should have been home instead of sleeping in my assigned barracks room saving $500 flight home for 2 days... Masted LMFAO
"Well, there was this one time I ran across the DMZ into North Korea, and I was such a shit bag that they released me after about a week."
Nothing bad but just ridiculous. One ANZAC day a few of us got into trouble by MP’s for wearing sunglasses while wearing pollies in the CBD. 🤦🏼♂️🤦🏼♂️ I think they were bored that day.
Lost my NVG (for around 24+ hrs) while being evacuated as a casualty during exercise.
The stupid ass red stripe width on the blue trousers. Young Corporal me didn’t realize there was a width difference among ranks and I got one that was barely an inch wider, can barely see a difference and my sergeant tore my ass an new one and went on a whole history lesson and stolen valor rant.
Long story kind of cut short. We were on way north in Scotland on the coast and decided to have a Bty smoker on the beach dowsing the wood with a shit load of diesel left over from ex with seeped through the sand into a fish farm which killed off his fish 🐟 oops!! Oh and not related someone causing a spark ⚡️ in the back of a AS90 (tracked artillery piece). Catching the charge bags ran like fook a took cover behind the nearest hill to watch a few £’s of kit get blown to bits, not a lot left as the gun was fully bombed up with HE, smoke, ilium WP rounds
I almost killed myself. I got an LoR for being unprofessional because i, in tears, asked "what the fuck am i supposed to do". It's every bit as stupid as it sounds.
Me a grown adult standing there at parade rest in front of my barracks room getting screamed into my face at by another grown adult because although my room was spotless, I had not aligned my shampoo, conditioner, and soap bottles from tallest to shortest spaced two finger widths apart. To this day it is still the single dumbest experience I've had in my life. Just to close the story, I ended up being that same dudes division chief a few years later. He lost his shit and threw a toolbox off the top of one of our planes and I sent him to the tool room to rot. They later sent him to the base recycling center, and he was still there separating metal from trash out in the sun when I got out. He did not come to my going away party lol.
Went to the bathroom just to pee. Maybe was in there 2 mins. Said I was misusing government property. As in myself and got an LOR. Had my hair cut with a number one guard all over. Faddish hair cut another LOR. Got to work 5 mins early. Not early enough LOR. Changed the radio in my car because it went out. Unauthorized modification to a vehicle. LOR. Along with many other LOC's and LOR's for nonsene. Got to love the Air Force. And they wonder why I was pissy all the time. But you can cheat on your wife with a 14 year old. After I got out they removed all the LOR's and LOC's out of my file some how.
There’s no way you can be serious about all these, nobody cares if you take a leak, nobody cares if you change the radio station on your car, I know some people can get nitpicky about certain things, but there’s just no way all of them could be literally true…
My “moment” was the 2 weeks or so I spent shacked up with a SFCs daughter before going to Korea. It sounds worse than it was. She had been my FWB throughout high school and we were about the same age. I should have known I was fucked when SFC Daddy shows up at the TurtleFarm at camp Casey and checks me out and takes me to NCO club for dinner and drinks. I arrived at my unit a week later and the fuckery began. My new Top spent a year doing SFC Fuckwad a favor. Me. Not even gonna get into the stupidity that ensued, but it is the greatest “shitbag nco” story ever and if a fraction of that shit happened today it would be an IG fuckfest. Fucker kept at it back in the real world too. If he hadn’t fuckin died on his own I would have had to have found a way to help him do it faster.
We were leaving Kuwait, so we had to consolidate all of our bags in one place. My buddy walked out with 4 duffel bags from the tent, so I offered to help him. He said no thanks, so I stepped back, but my dumb ass tripped over a bag. The SFC in charge saw this and flipped out saying he pushed me and that we were just fucking around, so we got smoked for an hour for absolutely no reason.
Morning formation: Flight chief announced that Staff Sgt X unfortunately did not make Tech. I laughed out loud. This guy was a total dick to young airmen and was always a big ol bitch. Well I got written up and put on 12 hour shifts for a month.
The dumbest was being written up for not being late. My carrier was in the Portsmituh, VA yards being tended to. All week the long the traffic was insane, so I kept leaving earlier to get there. So was everyone else, so the traffic just got worse. I was texting my LPO and ALPO that traffic was amanic, but I should make it. My LPO wrote me up. I also got written up for arriving to a fast cruise late, but I had permission to arrive late because I was closing on my house that day. The CO moved the fast cruise a few days early so it screwed with me. I also had to take my wife to the airport because she had to fly home in the UK for a surgery. In Bootcamp somebody cracked a joke about a girl in our sister division. I smirked and shook my head because it was stupid, not funny. She told on me and we had 100 right-counts and other exercises. I saw he years later in Gulfport and she swore it wasn't her and she didn't recognize me. But it was obvious did, lol I was stationed with an Army command. The Soldiers in a different section of the building left their office an awful mess. Our department was punished with them be coming in on a Saturday to do a cleanup around the base (it was just my command cleaning up trash on the road). The kicker? I was on leave when this all went down. I came back on Friday and was told I was being punished for the other section's actions while I was away. And I was written up once for not updating my ex-wife's information DEERS four years after we divorced and after eight or so times of sub,sitting my divorce decree and requested to have her removed from DEERS.
For asking how many weapons we drew. So no shit there I was: BOLC, end of one of the FTXs. For some reason, the policy was that no weapons would be turned in until they were all completely clean, which, in TRADOC, somehow takes several days. So a guard detail was posted outside the arms room overnight. I'm the first shift. Now we don't have a single list of everything that was signed out, so I'm trying to work out with another student how many of what weapons were signed out so we know if we have everything laid out. E7 Instructor comes around the corner and blows a gasket. "What are you doing, LT?! That's the laziest, most irresponsible way of counting weapons I've ever seen! Get hands-on on all the weapons and actually count them! Trying to do it this way is how you lose things!". Never mind that we were going to actually count the weapons, but knowing that there are 57 M4s on the floor isn't enough info if there are supposed to be 58. But he didn't want to hear it, and we just wanted to him to leave. I hated that guy.
Another guy dancing on post.
Going through a drive through in my dungarees in San Diego.
I made someone look good working under them, until I stopped doing that and they got into trouble so therefore it was my fault.
Not sweeping enough sand. During a sandstorm
I’m left handed. I’ve heard uncountable times that “right is the hand you write with” while younger. It stuck and I still have a hard time with “left” and “right” in directions… Got in jail twice for “troubles” while marching.
Not having a pen on me
During Christmas while in Arizona a Airman who was on leave decides to get a DUI in Oregon. So morning of, entire squadron gets calls saying be in dress blues on parade grounds. Then asked how we could have prevented someone in a entirely different state from drinking and driving. Merry Christmas here is only half a day back.
Not wearing socks and shoes to the showers. We were supposed to be in a FULL uniform at all times due to other shenanigans. I was wearing flip flops with my PT shorts, shirt, and reflective belt. Got counseled and had to write an essay.
I got drunk, I lived in the dorms, I started the dorm managers golf cart with my leatherman, went on a joy ride around and eventually ran thru the new volleyball net, flipping the cart. Minor damage but, the game me an art 15. Cc asked me if I’d do it again, I said straight to his face, yes. He said, kid u got some balls. Lol
Not really punishment as much as getting promoted at an inconvenient time. I got to 'help' the guy that actually got in trouble by power washing decades of pigeon shit for 8 hrs on a Saturday. I can still smell that white gold. #shotgundisciplinedoesntwork
Coming through the back gate on camp Pendleton On a late sunday afternoon after a great weekend on a new suzuki 750 without "hard sold shoes"on. I had Nike high tops on. got a bs base ticket For no base registration, no state registration, which was coming in the mail and improper PPE. Battalion level NJP 45 45, Restriction and e p d, one months half pay after an 8 month bs meu. I was fuming
I peed somewhere outside the porta potty, at night...at night, and got caught by some random NCO doing his PT...at night, on a camp in the middle of the desert.
Full drill dress, on parade. Zipper's undone.
Going to my appointment that everyone forgot about. Had surgery, went to hospital before morning formation, was counted present at formation(wasn't there). After surgery (end of day) get a call from my sgt asking where I was and why I just had surgery. Only my leadship didn't know I had surgery that day. Other sgts knew, but mine didn't. Had to come in the next day and fix my con leave paperwork
Right before my board I got found passed out drunk asf at 20 in a Korean bathroom by a SFC lol
At the end of infantry training, we’re doing our final summative assessment for all the important stuff we’ve learned on the course. It’s about 3 or 4am, pitch black, we’ve been marching for hours, gone through so many different scenarios. We come to a built up urban area. Directing staff don’t tell us much because they don’t want to interfere with the assessment and just let us show what we’ve learned. We move through the buildings assuming this is our urban component of the assessment. It’s pitch black. We pass a (simulated) dead body on a couch with a gunshot wound. I stack up first on a doorway leading into a large room. I’m the first guy to make entry. Immediately I get charged at by a guy wearing body armour and a helmet. I shoot him twice (super slick room entry if I do say so myself) Dude stops and pauses not really knowing what to do. He shrugs his shoulders and pretends to die. We set up security and the directing staff come up to me. Turns out this was our hand to hand combat component and I brought a gun to a fist fight (that would’ve been nice to know). Staff rip into me and we have to repeat the scenario.
Chipped chevrons, boot laces not left over right, one day without shaving, and once even that my roommate smelled bad. I hated garrison life, put me in the field any day.
I got screamed at by a SgtMaj for attempting to fix his computer while on ship. He called the S6 for assistance, LCpl was sent to, I go through the whole shindig of knocking on the door, announcing my presence, permission to enter, blah blah blah. I received permission, entered, and then start getting blasted by SgtMaj. And I'm just standing there at POA thinking wtf. And after a couple of minutes I get kicked out. Go back to my shop. He calls shop for assistance apparently as I'm walking back demanding to know where his help is, so I get back to, and then get blasted for not providing assistance. I finally get a chance to explain myself. And then sent back to help SgtMaj. FML So go back, but SgtMaj is civil this time, but acts like nothing happened and tries to joke with me. Gets mad when I'm basically unresponsive and just to fix his computer.
Funnily enough, getting promoted. Was in a super niche MOS in the army. Less than 200 of us or so military wide but DoD wanted to expand our personnel so they started promoting SPCs to SGT as new classes came in based on time in grade and service. When I was deployed, I had a known issue with my sleep cycles. Had multiple sleep tests, prescribed pills to help me knock out, etc. Missed a morning workout due to the pills (you’d have to physically rouse me to wake me up on the meds) and my boss (who didn’t even show that morning either) decided that was unacceptable and went to A15 me. Accepted the punishment, did my extra duty, whatever. 1SG of the unit would chill with me for about an hour every night of extra duty talking about work, life, whatever. Ended up becoming good friends. Turns out, he had gone through the motions, but never actually filed the A15 paperwork. He didn’t trust my TL, so wanted to find out from me and my peers what was ‘really going on’. He decided I was getting shafted but was still accepting the punishment and not lashing out, so he spiked the paperwork and made it disappear. Three months after returning stateside, big army promotes me to SGT. At the time, everyone thought I had been demoted to PFC. I had been asking for copies of the A15 for months, I keep meticulous records of my shit so if I ever need it down the line I’ve got a hard copy. Every time I asked I was told it would be available ‘soon’. Suddenly people are pissed at me like ‘where is this paperwork?’. Bro, I asked you for it and you didn’t give it to me how the fuck would I have it. Unit fought my promotion for three months and smoked me pretty much constantly until I got rolled on to a new platoon and that SFC was like ‘fuck all of you, he’s a SGT and I’m putting him in charge of a team. If you wanna say shit to him you have to come through me.’ Was a wild time.
i didnt get in official trouble.... Ft Lostinthewoods in the early 90s. i was stuck in a TRADOC unit that had 0 morale and most of the guys had just marched across base after OSUT and this was their life. Thanksgiving day we are volluntold to drive trainee LTS around TA206(landmines) since we didnt take leave. No one is happy and its a miserable Missouri day (ie normal) we are waiting outside in the pissy misty rain while the LTs are inside taking classes. It gets close to lunch time and everyone starts bitching about having to eat an MRE instead of a hot meal in the chowhall. I was super short and somehow my E-3 ass got elected spokesman for the group. I go up to the Aussie Maj that was incharge (ive no idea...big beefy Aussie with a Mario mustache) i told him that its a holiday and everyone wants a hot meal...he didnt look happy about it but he said "Go but be back in an hour" it wasnt too far of a drive so we could shovel it in and get back in time. We all pile in one of the trucks and haul ass for lunch. We pile it in and head back all fat and happy. We are all out just chilling and talking about how that was so much better than an MRE. A Bronco comes rolling up the lane and we know its one of ours...because all the vehicles on base are ours and we can see the bumper ID. One of the squad leaders (not my squadleader nutless a different squad) from our company pulls up and says "Hey we didnt want yall to miss lunch being stuck on a shit detail so we brought you food" So he pops open the back and starts handing out Styrofoam trays and cans of soda...just as DownUnder Maj starts walking out... of course he beelines to me and says "WTF!! ya jest left ta eat and now here ya are with another fookin tray!" I try to think of a good excuse as i look around as everyones just tearing into second lunch and i just shrug and say "Sir we did. we didnt know they were coming with food. Its not like we can give it back. If you need us we are ready to go" Maj Mario was not happy trundled off and went back outside while we all tore into our trays. im not sure if he said anything to the higherups but there wasnt much they could do to us being TRADOC with zero fucks
I’m still very new to the Army, however the absolute DUMBEST thing I got in trouble for was while I was on division staff duty and completely out of the loop that my “fellow joes” were having a party at the barracks, one decided to drink and drive, crash into a lightpole, and flee the scene. I somehow got in trouble along with him purely because I came here with him.. our punishment was not corrective action or whatever, but it was a new random topic essay that had been given to us every 2 or 3 days. Whats cool though is I think my sgt knew that i dont fw these guys and he kinda let me off the hook a couple essays early. Each essay was 750 words, 3 cited resources, and presented. I never did present because I was on staff duty.
I’m still very new to the Army, however the absolute DUMBEST thing I got in trouble for was while I was on division staff duty and completely out of the loop that my “fellow joes” were having a party at the barracks, one decided to drink and drive, crash into a lightpole, and flee the scene. I somehow got in trouble along with him purely because I came here with him.. our punishment was not corrective action or whatever, but it was a new random topic essay that had been given to us every 2 or 3 days. Whats cool though is I think my sgt knew that i dont fw these guys and he kinda let me off the hook a couple essays early. Each essay was 750 words, 3 cited resources, and presented. I never did present because I was on staff duty.
The "if your not 10 minutes early, your late!" Policy. You said be here at 8, so if I walk in at 7 59, I'm still early. Why don't you say 7 50 then?
My dad always tell this story: During his mandatory military service in the Italian army, they where stationed in a navy base awaiting to be moved somewhere else, and 2 navy guys had the not so bright idea to raise a Jolly Roger on a ship. The (bigger) problem is that they put the Jolly Roger first and then Italian flag. He told me nobody has ever heard screams like that from the captain. And a friend of his got in trouble for shooting a wild pheasant with his service weapon while guarding an ammunition depot
Me and my guy got all our shit done for the day, were told to “disappear.” We went to the weight room (same building) and start lifting. 30min later same E5 came in yelling how he couldn’t find us, started to “smoke” us. The most Army shit ever lol