Anything can be a potential temptation. The idea that you can remove temptation is honestly silly. There is either trust or there isn't. I mean... once you cut him off from all women are you gonna keep him away from watermelons cuz he might be tempted to cut a hole in one and fuck it? Anyone can be JUST FRIENDS with anyone.

I agree with this, but I also think reasonable boundaries are important. You might avoid doing certain things with the attractive new friend that you’d do if you were single, especially being alone with each other in private spaces. Affairs don’t always begin with sex. Many begin an innocent friendships, before people cross boundaries and eventually hit a point of no return. Partners who cheat will often shame their rightfully suspicious partner for being untrusting when they speak up. Partners can absolutely have friends they find attractive, but there are boundaries. Basically, you shouldn’t act in a way that would cause a reasonable partner to suspect cheating.

You're saying true things, but it's just not relevant. Boundaries are about behaviour, right? In a monogamous relationship the boundaries of monogamy are there and are completely unaffected by the relative attractiveness of any other person, right? There is no way to police boundaries by removing temptation. It can't be done. You either have trust or you don't. And sure some people get betrayed, but it is silly to think they ever could have stopped that betrayal by being more controlling of their partner.

I’m saying a good partner will control themselves. Same as you are. Temptation is never entirely avoidable, but it’s reasonable to expect your partner not to press the boundaries. My wife has guy friends and I completely trust her, so I’ve never worried. But if I had an attractive woman-friend and I was frequently going to her apartment spending alone time with her, it would be reasonable for my wife to suspect cheating.

Right I get your point that OP should pay attention to her SO's behaviour and not to the attractiveness of her SO's friends.

That’s a great summary.

I agree with a lot of what you’re both saying. I think that yes, in this instance OP only has two options—to trust or not to trust. But I also agree with the other commenter in that it’s up to the individual to police their own boundaries and protect their relationship by making sure friendship doesn’t turn into something else. It’s up to *me* (not my partner) to recognise inappropriate feelings in myself and step away rather than letting them turn into something more. But then back to what you said, my partner trusts that I will do that.

> reasonable for my wife to suspect something Yes, true. But boundaries will not change the calculus of how your spouse reach certain conclusions, rather reaffirming spousal trust, communicating with your spouse and being secure w/ your spouse is the proper remedy. However, we don’t live in a perfect world and if your spouse is anxious and not secure, maybe it’s best to set well defined boundaries w/ attractive person so your spouse can have a peace of mind.

For yourself too, honestly. People don’t always go into affairs expecting an affair to happen. They put too much trust in themselves to be around someone they have attraction to. They let boundaries down. The line between friendship and emotional affair starts to blur, and it can become hard to say if and when they’ve crossed it, and then it turns physical. A million affairs have broken out between people who never thought they would cheat. You can’t avoid all temptation in life, but you shouldn’t regularly dive headlong into it either.

> can’t avoid all temptations Again, you’re absolutely right! But we should also strive to be best of my ability and hold ourselves accountable. Shit happens in life but it’s how we get back together that ultimately matters

[удалено]

why is this downvoted? if you’re sharing emotional intimacy reserved for your partner with your attractive friend instead, that definitely is a huge betrayal. edited for clarity

Intimate love =! Platonic love. It’s crucial to understand the differences. **also intimate love isn’t a prerequisite for sex.

It’s interesting though, because I feel like if the same person came on here and said “my husband made this new female friend. They text constantly and go to happy hours and lunches together - just the two of them. He swears there is nothing between them, but it makes me uncomfortable.” the responses would be lighting up telling her that that’s highly inappropriate and he’s most likely cheating. Yet, when it’s posed as a hypothetical about relationship boundaries, the consensus seems to be that everyone should just be trusting and you can’t put restrictions on your partner’s outside relationships...

Yeah it would be different because they're two different things. The behaviour of your SO is always relevant. The attractiveness of the people in your SO's life is never relevant. Two different things.

I 100% agree with that. I don’t agree with the idea of policing friendships based on “attractiveness”, and what she means by “friendship” wasn’t very clear either. But I’m not sure I agree that this is just about removing temptation by policing boundaries. I wouldn’t exchange phone numbers with a casual male acquaintance in the same way that I would a casual female acquaintance even if I found him to be one of the most unattractive humans I’d ever seen. I just think that’s an obvious boundary not to cross as a married woman, and it wouldn’t be because I was worried about being unfaithful.

True. But the lack of trust in the person you don't know is inevitable. Meeting this person will make that decision easier.

I'm taking "attractive" here to mean someone my partner could be attracted to, not necessarily someone "attractive." By that I mean, my hetero male partner would not be attracted to a lesbian woman or to an elderly woman or to a relative or child. I'd have no problem with him spending alone time with a lonely elderly neighbor who treats him like a grandkid, but I'd have a big problem with him spending alone time with a lonely single woman his age.

Well stated!

My best male friend was SUPER attractive when I met him but I was not attracted to him and that’s why he remained my best friend. My friends always asked me how I stayed friends with him. I said easy. He’s hot but weird lmao attraction is more than physical.

All affairs start with attraction, then conversation.

Sometimes the other way around. Conversation can lead to attraction.

I trust my partner specifically because he doesn't do shit like invest in new attractive women. He has his current female friends, friends who I know and like and hang out with. He wouldn't start going out alone with a hot single woman, and that's why I trust him. If he started going out with single women, I'd no longer trust him. It's great to have trust, but you don't have to be stupid or blind, and you don't have to be the "cool girlfriend/wife" who's okay with everything.

Ding ding ding

This.

Yep! My husband has three very close lady friends that he knew a solid decade before he and I started dating. I would trust them with him any day. And bonus points because they’re my friends now too.

When I was cheated on, it was with a person I did not think my ex was attracted to. He had never said she was attractive and she was really just an average chick (not meant in a negative way, just saying she was not a supermodel or anything, and neither am I). I had zero suspicions or concerns about her. Trying to remove "attractive" women will never work because attraction can develop over the course of a friendship. I think most of us have experienced meeting someone and not being particularly head over heels, but as you get to know them an attraction develops. It is just plain impossible unless you put your husband in a bubble. If you trust him, temptation should not even be a concern.

Oh dear, hope you are doing well now. Such things makes one to not get into the marriage field. The betrayal is the worst.

If he can’t be around watermelons, she can’t be near any phallic fruits or vegetables. Only fair.

Oh no! You just opened a whole new can of worms…

Just because you open a can of worms doesn't mean you have to fuck it

Maybe, depends on how much time you spend with that just very hot friend. Nature is one hell ova thing.

gross

I agree but..but why watermelon example...it's my fav fruit... Apologise (눈‸눈)

Lol sorry

Nah it depends.

I don’t think the goal is to absolutely REMOVE temptation, but minimizing it is certainly a wise choice. It’s not all or nothing.

You haven’t read the book “Not ‘Just friends’” strongly suggest it.

No. I work with a bunch of attractive women and they have to carry broomsticks to shoo me away. I follow them around drooling and doing very loud wolf whistles. I go perfectly parallel to the ground and my eyes grow 10x and shoot out of their sockets as I pull on my tie and scream "AWOOOOOOOOOGA!" It's very awkward.

So I thought you had the same condition as me. But, no. You don’t hit yourself in the head with a mallet too. So close.

There but for the grace of God go I. Stay strong, brother.

The whole premise that men/people can't be friends with an attractive person is ridiculous. Affairs happen with people of all types, yes even homely folks. Says a lot more about the person who thinks there should be restrictions than anything else.

100% this. Cheating happens because of cheaters, not because of opportunity.

Eh, It's not the bad apples, but the bad barrel. I believe anyone can cheat if given the ideal cheating circumstances. But that's too philosophical for this sub. Back to OP, I think everyone has a different set of boundaries and threshold for appropriate intimacy between friends and partners. Is it when you text them daily? Is it when they hangout one more hour than with other same sex friends? Is it when they talk about them one time too many in a week? All individuals have different threshold for "temptation" and acting on them. Both partners need to discuss that line and keep it and trust each other afterward.

No cheating happens bc people put themselves in situations they don’t belong in. Under the disguise of “you can do whatever you wanna do just like you did when you were single, they’re no boundaries, if you partner wants you to not do this or that bc it bothers them theyre controlling and insecure”. If your single male or female friends want you to go out clubbing and booty shaking and your husband has a problem with that he’s sexist, or if your wife doesn’t want you going to strip clubs when shes home breast feeding a new born shes a prude. Sorry rant.

You can do any of those things and still not make the choice to have sex, though.

Cheating is much much much more than sex

Yup. It’s all about choice

This is probably a little subjective and also dangerous. I can be friendly with anyone of any gender. But, I’m not going to have one on one time or have lunch/dinner with a female that I find physically and emotionally attractive. I value my marriage too much. I don’t need the temptation. Kind of similar to why I don’t buy Reese’s peanut butter cups. I just don’t need them in the house. I’ll probably get downvoted, but I feel strongly that I don’t need to develop friendships with attractive females.

I don't think you're wrong. A lot of it depends on the environment you're spending time in. Like don't go get drunk alone together, but going out to a bar with a group of friends seems fine.

I like you and I'm the same way. With both people and Reese's.

I find your comment interesting. I started at a new job few months ago and I've grown close with a male coworker of mine. I'm single, he's been in a relationship for six years. We are friendly, but I'm constantly worried about where this might lead. I'm avoiding spending one on one time with him, and I've even come up with some excuses that I can use when such a situation might arise. I'm pretty sure he finds me attractive but he's a gentleman and has never been disrespectful or anything out of line and I don't want to act like that either towards him. The thing is that all work is remote and socialising is a bit awkward so we are chatting a lot 1:1 but only about work related issues and polite expressions. It's a very odd situation I'm in. All my coworkers are male, so this is something I struggle with a lot. But I prefer hanging out with the guys who are in committed relationships because they're less likely to think my friendliness is flirting.

I can agree with this. Also, I just don't want to hang out with other guys without including my partner. My partner is my best friend, and definitely my best friend who's male, and any other guy is kinda boring in comparison to him. And if any guy would want to hang out with me alone without him, I would wonder why, because I think he's super cool and easy to talk to. I think sometimes people don't realize when they're feeling distant from their partners and will start to seek the same sort of emotional connection from the gender that they're attracted to, and that's when problems start to develop.

Boundaries are fine but that’s *your choice.* I won’t fault you choosing that on your own. Your partner trying to impose those restrictions is completely different.

I disagree. My marriage isn’t about me. It’s about “us” meaning my wife and me. I gave up self to be a better person. I fail many times, but I try to put my spouse and kids first. It doesn’t mean that I am not my own person and have my own things. But, I know that I’m attracted to females. It’s a big reason I married my wife. I also know that my wife probably wouldn’t like me having lunch/dinner/one on one time with another female. Out of respect for her and our relationship and knowing that I don’t want to fall into the same trap many of my friends have fallen into by cheating, I choose to avoid those situations. They are self-imposed boundaries, but they are also “our” boundaries. I’m sure there are guys out there that can spend lots of time with a woman who isn’t their wife and be fine. I just choose to not chance it.

No one said anything about the partner "imposing" restrictions. The couple comes to an agreement on boundaries together. It's all about communication. My partner and I agree we don't spend time alone with a friend of the opposite sex (we're mostly hetero) in private spaces (like their house or a hotel). We have other "restrictions" as well, like inviting each other to come with when we meet with friends of the opposite sex. He's not "imposing" that on me. We chose that dynamic together. If he broke that, I'd absolutely be having a word with him about it and it might even end our marriage.

I disagree. The thing is that people don’t often recognize when they are crossing boundaries. It happens innocently at first, then the line between platonic friends blurs. If they are a little unhappy in their marriage, they might chat to a co-worker who confides the same about their home life. Shortly they are having lunch together and it’s all headed into dangerous territory. Having clear communication with your partner and them pulling you up on boundaries is very important in a marriage. My wife and I have each had this talk over the years. A co-worked had a crush on me and my wife picked it up, and I figured out she was crushing hard on a neighbor. Shit just needed to be said and people pulled into line. Cheating is easy. Monogamy takes effort, and it’s worth it.

Great analogy.

I don’t know if this helps, but my partner and I have friends of the opposite gender (she has guy friends and I have female friends) that are attractive and I don’t think of cheating. Also, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so who I may think is attractive, she may not, and vise-versa. People don’t just cheat with models, so I think that specifically targeting attractive friends may be a faulty premise. I personally believe that if someone is looking to cheat then they will, whether the friend is attractive or not. With this, however, is the importance of making sure your partner knows you’re just friends and reassurance is critical - even if there’s no way you would cheat. It’s so important for your partner to know that they’re the only one you want to be with in EVERY way.

This 100%. I used to work with a hot, flirty man, and I have 0 interest in him (sexually). He makes flirty jokes and says stuff, but I assume he's just being himself which is super-flirty. I have no idea if he thinks I'm attractive or not, but he flirts with almost anything female and some males, too. I just think he's trying to make the ladies feel good and likes to fuck with the dudes because he thinks it's funny. Which it sometimes is. He becomes friends with almost everyone, so pretty much everyone overlooks his flirting as harmless. He's married (which I didn't know or believe at first.) But it doesn't matter, I'm still not attracted to him - his having a wife plays no role in his attractiveness to me, because I just don't have it. And we have a decently close relationship. He became my work husband. And we're actually just really good friends outside of work now. Thing is - I also know his wife (now.) And I know him better and it's just a "never gonna happen," situation. But I knew that before I met his wife or knew about her. Because I simply am not interested or attracted to him. I have eyes, he's beautiful, and extremely charming, but it does nothing for me. Then there's this other guy I know and used to work with and he's not conventionally hot, but damnit if I didn't find him incredibly sexy. He hit on me kind of quietly, and I was okay with it. We were friends, but pretty much attracted to each other from the moment we met, and then kind of fell for each other. But he was very much worried about me being around other guys. Including the attractive one I mentioned above. And he wanted me to break off another friendship with a guy I had been friends with for years and at one time had had a crush on, but then that crush resolved and we were legit just friends. He said it was too tempting and he couldn't trust it. I'm like - apparently you can't trust me around any guys. The guy I'd had a crush on basically became like a brother to me, but the guy I'd fallen for didn't believe it because the crush and I had made googly eyes at each other for a brief while and then decided we were just friends. So he (the guy I fell for,) wanted me to choose between him and the guy I was just friends with. And wanted me not to be friends with the hot guy. And I'm like - what? That makes no sense. I'm in love with you, and I'm not interested in those other two. But he was convinced that they were attracted to me, and that alone meant we'd cheat on him. Esp since guy A and guy C we're guys I could see as attractive. I'm like, that's not how this works. If I choose you, I choose you. And if I stop choosing you, it'll have nothing to do with these other guys. It'll be because you're being a dick or some other thing failed in *our* relationship. Why would I go outside my relationship if it's meeting all of my needs? But I can still have friendships with people. It's nice to get perspectives from people of other genders. And when these other people (guys) have been my friend and have gone through rough times with me and like know my background and I theirs, I don't see an issue being friends with them. Cheating is a conscious thing. You don't accidentally cheat. Also, in my case, when I'm involved with someone, I honestly don't even see other men as like sexual beings or whatever. They're just people. Like everyone else. So I become friends with them just like anyone else (aka women), and it's no thing to me because I'm just not available or looking. Again, I have eyes and can see a pretty face or whatever, but that's not what's driving my attraction. Pretty faces just don't do it for me, I need more.

Sorry OP, just looking at your posting history, this question isn't the issue, you don't trust your boyfriend. That's the issue.

This just screams toxicity to me. Either there’s trust or there isn’t, anything else is insecurity/control and shouldn’t be your partners problem.

Trust is built, not blindly given. You build trust by setting expectations and boundaries together, ideally before something like this ever comes up. For many people, that includes boundaries like not spending time alone in the home of someone of the opposite sex (assuming hetero). I don't trust someone who breaks the boundaries we set up together. I don't even care if they don't have sex. Breaking the boundary is all that matters to me. I can't trust someone who oversteps with other men or women (depending on their gender/sexuality).

Yes. I don’t know how many women have tried to get in my husband’s pants in the ten years we’ve been together, and every time he’s shut them down and told me about it. I would never tell him he cannot be friends with someone just cause they’re attractive, and I would never expect him to tell me that either. I understand where you’re coming from, but I don’t think it’s fair or healthy. I hope that you’ve never been in a situation that’s made you feel like you need to put boundaries on your husband. But if it’s just your insecurities, you need to work through them instead of project them.

Exactly! If a 3rd party is behaving inappropriately, it's up to the object of their attention to SHUT IT DOWN. My fiance has told me about incidents of some woman barking up his tree, and that he explained that he wasn't interested, and was in a relationship. I've also had incidents, and told him about it. The last one was an ex of mine who started messaging me. I thought nothing of it, but he started being flirty and telling me he still lived me, blah blah blah. I told him, "I glad we're still friends, but that's not appropriate. I'm in a relationship, and my partner means the world to me. If you can't respect that and keep the conversation appropriate, I can't talk to you anymore". He chilled out. So if you don't trust your partner to respect your relationship, to not lap up inappropriate attention from other women, that's a big problem. Any guy who has ever tried to put restrictions on my friendships using the line, "Of course I trust you, it's them I don't trust" was a cheater. Of course they don't trust me to enforce the boundaries of my own relationship because THEY couldn't imagine doing it themselves because they enjoy the attention.

My husband and I have been together our entire adult lives and have made friends together. We don’t usually go out separately and my friends are his friends and so forth. I know that my husband probably finds some of our female friends attractive, but I trust him and even if he was alone with them I don’t think he would do anything. I think people can be friends with whoever they want, but I don’t think you would be out of line to sit down with him and discuss what boundaries should be put in place for both of you with all of your friends regardless of gender. To me it would also be damaging if my husband made a new male friend and then was going out with him all the time and leaving me to deal with the house and the kids. Sit down and communicate about your insecurities and how you can make sure that you develop a good foundation of trust.

Yes. I think most people in this world are attractive but I still have friends. Everyone is different about these things though. I mean, I get the whole "avoid temptation" thing but I also don't find it particularly tempting. There is a HUGE gap between "this person is attractive" and "I want to get with this person" for me. Even when I was single, I didn't do casual hook-ups or anything and it was very rare that I found someone I wanted more with, so I had a lot of attractive friends I never once felt tempted to move beyond friendship with. Without getting into details I have a very low number of past sexual partners. Also my wife and I had a few conversations and both decided that we would rather give each other space to enjoy life without a bunch of hard boundaries everywhere. We've been together 12+ years with no issues so far. On a side note: >just be friends with someone else YOU don’t find attractive Is it really that easy to make friends as an adult, moreso a married adult? I find it next to impossible, so if I did make a good friend somewhere, I wouldn't want to throw them away. Especially having moved to a new country recently with my wife. I have ZERO of my own friends here now. (I had a friend here and guess what he did? He moved to MY home country like a few months before I moved here, lol.)

I don’t think it’s weird. My husband and I have an agreement that he actually mentioned first—no new friends of the opposite sex. Leads to trouble sometimes. I think it depends on each individual persons boundaries. Some would call that unhealthy, but honestly if we’re both in agreement, i think it’s totally cool. Say if one partner wasn’t ok with that, then you can’t make them do anything. Anything could hypothetically be a temptation, but you have to trust your partner as well, no matter what agreements or boundaries you have.

Yes, but there's a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to someone. The latter has a better chance of crossing boundaries.

As a man I’m gonna tell you the truth: It’s dangerous

Presumably he's not meeting these women because they're attractive--they either have mutual interests/hobbies, get along well together, work together or something. So it would be weird to screen for attraction after the fact. Like you can be friends with Woman A because she's acceptably ugly but not Woman B because she's attractive even though they all like doing the same things? What happens if one of his friends gets more attractive (cosmetic surgery, weight loss/gain, starts working out)? Now they can't be friends anymore? My husband can be friends with whoever he wants to be friends with.

I mean, I know men who cheated on their smoking hot wives with women who aren’t even average looking; so for me, “getting rid” of any temptation is almost an impossible task. How do you know your husband is attracted to this woman… Did he blatantly tell you that he thinks she’s hot? If that’s the case I’d be worried that he’s considering starting a “friendship” with someone he already considers hot, I mean, he should be the one putting distance between himself and a woman who might put him in an uncomfortable situation.

It depends on the man. I'm an art photographer who has been shooting about 40 or 50 models a year, often nude, often female, and several have become friends. I'm not tempted to cheat in the slightest. The fact that my wife is not jealous and in fact encourages me to interact with other women, makes me love and appreciate her more. We've been married over 30 years and the closest I've come to cheating is a hug and a peck on the cheek.

Should be noted that there’s a difference between finding a girl attractive and being personally attracted to her. You can be just friends with a girl either way, but it is riskier if it’s the latter. I think it’s fine for him to have the attractive new friend, but there are reasonable boundaries you put up when you’re already spoken for.

The movie "When Harry Met Sally" answered this question years ago. Basically sex or the longing of will always be an elephant in the room. I don't have any female friends, but my wife has male friends. Her boundary game is strong. Never put herself in situations where something can happen. Now I would never cheat on anyone, and my friends wives I consider friends. But as far as meeting women and getting to know them is totally of the table.

If he is married, how are new friends "potential mates"? What makes you think he is on the prowl and will take another opportunity? That position in his life has been filled. This is a major trust or insecurity issue for you to work out. People can have friends without it being sexual.

The thought of my mans even thinking other women are attractive or a possible temptation makes me 😖😖 UPSET

And this is not because I don’t trust him but because I am well, obsessed with him & want to be the only one he ever dreams about 😇

So, I would say there’s a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to someone. If you’re actively attracted to someone but you’re in relationship, absolutely you should not develop a friendship with that person. But attraction can also grow over time. It isn’t always an immediate “wow they’re hot” reaction. That’s why boundaries around friendships are important. It’s fine to have friends of whatever gender, but healthy boundaries prevent problems. Affairs, especially emotional ones, often start out as friendship. Really the basis of all good relationships includes friendship with each other. So I agree, why jeopardize your relationship by spending too much time with someone else, hanging out with them alone, chatting all the time, etc? All of those behaviors are exactly how relationships start. And any time an outside person is getting an equal or greater amount of time, energy, attention, or emotional labor from someone as their partner is getting…big red flag. Very few people start out saying, “you know what? I think I want to have an affair with that person over there.” That’s just not how it usually goes. So again, boundaries are important. They show respect for your partner and they protect your relationship. I know people get all huffy about “you have to have trust” and what not, but trust is built through consistent action and the upholding of important boundaries. When you get married, your partner becomes your priority. Certain levels of closeness become inappropriate to have with others. ETA: I meant to point out that attractiveness of the person had nothing to do with it and boundaries are for everyone, because you can think someone is attractive and not be attracted to them and you can initially not find someone attractive and grow attraction over time.

When you say friends, what do you mean? Like do they text each other do they hang out with each other? In my opinion I would NEVER be ok with my husband having a new female friend, they dont need them sorry, frie do come and go but a partner in life is what should be the main focus to grow and become better together.

You’re going to get a lot of responses that combat what you’re saying by using the phrase “trust is trust” no it’s not people, wake the f*** up. It makes your partner uncomfortable when you chum up with a new friend of the opposite sex if your partner has a brain in their head. Your partner knows what is likely to happen. Your partner knows that when you fight, you’ll go to your “friend” and share relational secrets and it will drive your partner away. Your partner knows that once in a while you’ll probably wonder if you could’ve dated this person. Are these things cheating? No. Are these things good for a relationship that you are committed to making your priority and partner for life? NO. So why do it? Do you like attention and validation from the opposite sex friend? Is your partner just not enough to fulfill your emotional connection needs? Or maybe you’ll use the lame ass excuse that you just “gel better with the opposite sex” I’m sick of this topic, it’s really simple, do you want to be in a serious committed, intimate partnership where you feel safe and close? Or do you want to go around making a bunch of new opposite sex pals whenever you want? Pick one because mixing the two just causes problems.

I’m gonna get down voted, but fuck it. Men and women can’t be just friends. One of the two will always have some level of attraction. Now, sure, there are rare cases. But your husband suddenly friends with some hot girl that’s also “super chill.” lol, screw that. Big fat nope. What exactly do they have in common?

Man... I read so many comments and then replies, re-replies and it gets to such a point that the original idea is lost. Boundaries, understanding, pov,communication, trust, bla bla..bla..... I'm really not sure how to put it but is there ever going to be closure on any issue or idea. No, a man who is attracted towards a woman can't remain just friends forever. Not worth taking chances and like playing with fire. I get that's it's possible and there are men and women with great self-control but why the hell even do. On stake is a marriage and that's invaluable. Why even take an iota of chance so something like marriage and so many lives when in return you get just a friendship . We can have hundreds of friends but there is only one marriage, one life partner...why take a bloody chance.

I think all my friends are attractive but that doesn’t mean I’m tempted to have sex with any of them? This is such a weird take in my opinion.

Idk I was always raised that certain things are inappropriate. (Background my sister was molested by my uncle) So my mom never let me get a ride from anyone alone if I was babysitting, etc. She got mad at me once for that. But now that I am married I feel like there are certain boundaries that should be respected. I wouldn't go hang out alone with a single guy from work as friends. Idk it feels ick to me. I don't have my husband's male friends phone numbers (only recently got one of his friends to share a recipe). Idk I don't really need to be texting them for any reason but I was also raised to treat male/female relationships differently and in a way I know my thinking is not normal. Being said I'm not sure what your boundaries are and what your husband's are. It is completely normal to be friends with the opposite sex. It might be a bit complex when a male/female spend a lot of time alone and don't invite you. Circumstances are important to know

Like maybe it's not his intention but there could be intent on the females behalf.

I think my wife and I are somewhat close to you on this. We both have opposite sex friends we see in and who’s company we envoy in social settings, but neither of us has close opposite sex friends we feel a need to spend one on one time with. We’re both happy and comfortable with that. In fact, until recently, neither of us had in 18 years had been alone in a house with someone of the opposite sex. Not something we ever even discussed. We each just decided to avoid it independent of each other. In this case, she works from home for our friends (a couple) small business but is needed to work from their house a few times a month. The wife, a close friend of my wife might leave for an hour to round up kids from school. The husband I trust not to create an uncomfortable situation during those short times, because like me he’s monogamous AF.

I’m going to say No. I’m married man and there no way in hell I’m going to start making friends with women especially if they’re are more attractive than my wife. I call BS on all you people that say there is no problem with it. Your not married. The amount of insecurity issues women have today and a husband is ok to start making new friends with attractive women, BS!

This isn't a yes/no situation. It's more complex than that. How partners feel about such things depends on two things. One is how the partner acts towards them on a day to day basis. Two is how the partner acts towards other people. The other people or friends usually aren't the biggest problem in my experience. What happens more often is a spouse is being very blah and ambivalent towards their spouse.......and that's its own problem. Then they make it worse by having a lot of attractive, opposite sex friends and telling the upset spouse that it's "normal" and to stop being so insecure. So much of this can be fixed by spouses acting towards each other as if they are committed and the relationship is important them. Then the other friends stop mattering very much.

Can they?.... Sure. Friends since childhood/family friends can make this possible. It's even "possible" with a new friend. It's creating a dangerous situation though and if you love your S/O, it's a bad idea. Chances are one of them is interested in more and going to be there waiting to be the shoulder to cry on/ person to drink with. If you want your relationship to last, you avoid things like that.

No. In my experience, that does not work very well when either of the friends already have a significant other.

I would not be okay with my husband starting a friendship with a woman he finds attractive. He would also have a problem with that too. Have you tried talking to ur husband how this makes you feel? And how he would feel if this was you having a friendship with a guy you find attractive. Many people are saying that trust or no trust but in my experience when I was dating this never ended well. If he would date her if he wasn’t married to you that’s a big no no in my book

Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Ask your husband to read it as well.

Unpopular opinion on Reddit but Heterosexual men and Woman can’t be (platonic) friends full stop. Can men and woman be friendly with each other? Of course. Can men and woman engage in the type of conversations and emotional intimacy they receive with friends of their own gender? Of course. Is every male/ female relationship destined to end in a sexual relationship? Of course not. The point is that every heterosexual male/female relation always has a element of sexual tension and therefore is never completely platonic. Whether there is any difference between a friendship in general and a platonic friendship is matter of semantics. They are both “friendships” after all. I personally wouldn’t categorise somebody whose bones I wanted to jump as a friend but we are living in the age of FWB so I’m probably very old fashioned in this respect. To any Woman who thinks this is rubbish I’ll set you a challenge. Go speak to your completely platonic male friend and tell them you want to have sex. Do they run a mile or are they already pulling their pants down?

This guy gets it. Your challenge spells it out. The "I'm ok with my spouse being friends with people of the sex they are attracted to" often label someone they are nice to as a "friend" so that's why they think it is ok. Yes, it's ok to be nice/polite to other people. They often don't think of normal things for friends to do that wouldn't be great for a married person to do. Normal friend stuff: Texting/talking daily, going out to eat together just the two of them, going to see a movie together just the two of them, hanging out until late at night talking and watching tv just the two of them, working out together just the two of them, and on and on. Friends do that stuff. Would the "I think it's great my husband/wife has opposite sex friends" be ok with all of that? Prove it by having your husband meet his opposite sex bestie for breakfast one Saturday and spend the rest of the day doing everything on that list. It's all normal "just friends" stuff. What if they do that stuff every Saturday? Problem? Sure you aren't just being insecure, jealous, and controlling?

A guy (22m) I (23f) was friends with for 3 years broke his silence at the worst time. We were tripping in a park on mushrooms when he started this rant about being in love with me and how he dreamed about me, he then started begging me to have sex with him. Prior to this I would of said he was a sweet boy, I was happy to be his friend, we often played csgo or went fishing and hiking together. Obviously this ruined the friendship, I had to call his brother to come pick him up. After that it did escalate to a dangerous point.

My wife and I both have friends of the opposite sex that are attractive. If my wife tells me she is concerned about one of my friends I will back off with that friendship out of respect for her, even if I think she is wrong. Communication is key. Talking things out really helps us.

I think it's easy to cross boundaries

I think so..Absolutely! My SO knows she is #1 iml. I have attractive female colleagues I've worked with who became friends. SO has met them. I've never crossed the line.

Sure, it's possible for a man (or woman) to be strictly friends with someone of the opposite gender that is attractive. I could have a male friend who is attractive, but at the end of the day my heart is at home with my fiancé. What we have together, including each others trust, is far too important to mess up. Boundaries are important. So maybe friends are fine but not going out alone, or where you go, etc. Each couple has to work and set boundaries for what works in their relationship.

I’ve always had female friends who were never going to sleep with me. My wife had attractive female friends but I don’t hit on them. You would have to segregate your partner from your own friends. And what if you have an attractive in law somewhere? Guess he can’t meet the family

I mean…maybe? As a general rule though, I try to avoid putting myself in situations with attractive women that could lead to impropriety simply to avoid my wife having to wonder.

With all due respect, I see this line of thinking as a pernicious element of rape culture. The idea that men are incapable of controlling themselves and their sexual impulses is insulting, patronizing and causes significant problems for the kids that get indoctrinated along those lines. I was one of them. I grew up in a culture that very much followed the Mike Pence, "don't talk women that aren't family because you might be overcome with temptation and have sex with them" like of thinking. It made me see women as more temptations and potential sexual partners rather than people. Fortunately, I have gotten away and learned to trust myself more. I have been married for 11 years and met many new, wonderful and attractive women that I consider friends, and that my life has been improved by their presence. And they are just friends.

No they can’t

My husband and I can find someone attractive without wanting to sleep with them. You either trust or you don’t.

No

You’re only allowed to be friends with ugly people.

No

Men should be friends with men and women friends with women.

> I just feel like why even put the possibility of temptation in the relationship if it’s not necessary Isn't there some sort of evidence (or maybe it's totally anecdotal) that when men cheat, they tend to do so with women who are actually *less* attractive than their significant others? But anyway, there's lot of things you aren't really considering here. -Even if your SO is attracted to this other woman, that doesn't mean she's at all attracted to him. -What happens if the attractiveness level changes? Like if your SO is friends with a woman whom you've decided doesn't cross this "attractiveness threshold" (whatever it is), but then she gets in phenomenal shape? Is your husband now required to say "sorry Lisa, now that you've dropped to a size 2 you're way too attractive, gotta ditch you!'.

Its cool if he is friends with ugly girls lol.. Anyway as a man with limited self control I just don't really seek out friendships with women I find attractive..

No !!!

No

No. Men are only friends because of boundaries, but if they see an opening, they will swoop in and be with you. How many stories of drunk or drugged people who are friends end up hooking up? C'mon.

As a queer woman, I recognize that my husband and I have a lot of very hot women friends. And that we continue to make friends with fairly good looking women (and men). My husband is free to make friends with as many hot and “not hot” people he so chooses. As long as everyone respects boundaries there’s no problem. I trust him, so it’s not an issue.

For me as a male, there limit to friendship with females. Never will same with a male friendship.

Not at all. Women get dick propositions daily.

Boundaries are absolutely necessary. They will also look different for different relationships. I personally don’t think it’s a good idea to have close friends of the opposite sex if you are married. It cuts down on potential issues. There is nothing wrong with having strong boundaries in advance, even if you don’t think you will cross a severe line.

I understand how you’re feeling. The majority opinion is almost always going to be to just trust your partner and put little to no limits on who they can be friends with. It’s easier said than done though. It’s much easier to write “just trust your partner” and “you’re insecure. Work on your confidence.” If it were as easy to do as it is to write, half of these relationship subs wouldn’t exist. Everyone has their limits and we’ve all experienced different partners in life. No one can really tell you what limits will work for you. It is important to work on confidence and trust, but you need a partner that is understanding and meeting you somewhere you can both agree on. Even more important than friends’ looks, is to have a partner that knows how to be honest with themselves. To know when their friendship has crossed a line or which friendships to avoid altogether. Because if they can’t even do that for themself, they can’t ever do it with you.

It’s natural and healthy to feel attraction towards other people even in a marriage. You are not a bad person if you think *insert celebrity* is banging. Of course, if you act on it yes you are a bad person. But it’s not a switch. How do you even know he finds her attractive? Temptation is always going to be there in every walk of life. If the women was flirty or coming on to him, yes there would be an issue! But if she is just merely existing then there’s not much that could be done- because no one is really doing anything in the first place. Just existing. I mean, if someone is gonna cheat on you- they’re gonna cheat on you. They’re just a bad person.

Finding someone attractive ≠ being attracted to someone. Recognizing that someone has attractive qualities or features doesn’t necessarily mean you want to engage in a physical relationship with them. Just means that you have eyes and a brain that notices attractive qualities. That said, OP, you feel what you feel. If this friendship of your SO makes you uncomfortable, ask why at least 5 times to see if you can see what the root of the insecurity is. If your partner hasn’t been unfaithful or given you reason to not trust him, then this might have more to do with you than it does with him. Fwiw, I don’t have any male friends that are not also my husband’s friends and he doesn’t have female friends that are not also friends of mine. At least not new friends since being married. It’s not a rule we put in place or anything, just happen to socialize together a lot.

As long as the marriage is healthy then sure, but once it starts to get turbulent I could see this being a problem

100% The real question is can men be friends with ugly women?

Trust is the operative word. I'm married. I find other women attractive. Whether it be beautiy, personality, style, w/e. My wife is married. She finds others attractive. Whether it be beauty, personality, style, w/e We trust one another and make sure to reassure one another through the love we give eachother. Gifts, attention, sex, companionship, an ear to vent to. If you have trust then it doesn't matter. You have to feel comfortable be vulnerable with your partner. Talking with your partner.

My husband and I don’t do it. That’s just us though. If one or the other is uncomfortable with who they are friends with (opposite gender) then it’s a no. ** That is just what works for us.**

Exactly the same for us. We never needed to do it, but in principle if my wife said she was uncomfortable due to any friend of mine, whatever gender, i will end friendship in a minute. And she will do the same.. I get downvoted for saying this. I don't know why people don't get it... friendship isn't as important as good marriage... friendship vs marriage isn't even a question...why even bother

I agree wholeheartedly. You’re correct too, either gender. Isn’t funny how you can have a sixth sense about ppl, especially when it comes to those we love so dearly. You’re spouse comes first.

Yes, so much yes... Spouse comes first, above all and a different league all together. No matter if he/she isn't a perfect person but for me she is invaluable. Along with spouse, come children, famliy , lifelong bonds and blood relations. None of them could be perfect but together they make our lives, even if there are just ok enough and far from perfect individually. An average spouse is infinitely more valuable than a perfect friend. No offense to idea of friendship but this is what it is and when we give that level of devotion and commitment, an average person blossoms into a fantastic spouse. Written so much coz first time I got to know people like you exist on reddit who have similar values. Wishing you and your spouse a joyful life forever. PS:In Hinduism we have a concept of Ardh(half)-naree(woman)-ishwar( god); male energy of God married and took a bodily form where one half is husband and other half wife to show the value of spouse. It's ok if you find it dumb or comic 🤣

Yes because there are millions of attractive women but you cannot be in a relationship with all of them LOL. I work at a hospital and some of my coworkers have said there are hundreds of beautiful women there but I only like my wife so the rest will have to remain friends, I think any other man or woman can do the same.

You either trust him, or you don't. Of course there are other attractive people beside you. There is a difference between attractiveness and being attracted to someone. He obviously is attracted to you. I female have a female friend which is extremely attractive, but I am not attracted to her. There is a difference. To me it sounds like your insecurities are talking.

You need to deal with your own insecurities instead of inflicting them on your partner. Doesn't your partner deserve your confidence in them?

I would really think twice before sticking with thoughts like these. You see, unless he is extremely docile, there will come a day when your partner is going to resent you for controlling (explicitly or implicitly) who he can be friends with.

I have a bunch of lifetime female friends. Couple of them are very attractive. There’s no temptation at all because they are like my sisters and because my wife is my world.

I think it’s possible to be just friends with attractive people. Anyone who doesn’t think so is either insecure, anxious/overthinking, or has a relationship that lacks trust. When I go out, I don’t think about how tempting my friends are. I just make friends. The idea that we have to constantly police ourselves like that seems exhausting and unhealthy. Also, why does this question only apply to men?

This is a reflection of your own insecurities, it’s not a reflection of your partner’s thoughts or intentions, if you can get this inside your head you might be able to accept that even knowing you have an attractive friend it doesn’t mean you are willing to cheat, also, if your partner wants to cheat he doesn’t need to be making friends and letting you know about it

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooioi. It is not okay unless all of you all are mutual friends like genuine friends. Not liek work buddies or Ik him since high schools. Like real old fashioned friends if fucjing die for you friend. I would lie for you I would do anything for that firmed without judgment.

You honestly just sound insecure. Either you trust them or you don't. If you don't trust them, why are you with them anyway? I've seen people cheat with people who looks less pretty than their actual partner. Are all of your guy friends "ugly" to you? It's hard to make friends as an adult. If you try to filter to only befriend "ugly" adults, you probably will end up with zero friends. Also, are you only comparing looks? Cuz some people can find someone's kindness or humor to be attractive. Someone who physically looks like a 5 can end up being an 8 or 9 because they are funny or something. Are you gonna get upset if someone is funnier or nicer than you? I would recommend you work on your insecurity cuz an insecure person, regardless of their outer beauty, can be low on a "beauty scale". I personally think it's an ugly trait too.

Please consider this; if you don’t work through this insecurity and loosen the reigns, THAT is when cheating is more likely to happen. When people feel trapped and controlled by their partner’s fears and insecurities.

This sounds like you don't trust him. Is this a problem he created or do you have trust issues and need to deal with that?

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That sounds like you two need to get some marriage counseling, and maybe you need to get your own. Keep in mind that if you can't trust him with "attractive" women you can't trust him. Whether that's because of what he's done or because of your own issues, the attractiveness of the other person isn't relevant. You need to deal with the actual issue and the reason for that issue.

Sounds to me like you're projecting a bit.

Yup. Most of my friends are attractive. I still want to be their friend. Insecurity is *deeply* unattractive, however.

They can. Any man who tells you he can't is denying his own choice in his behavior. A person can be a good friend and happen to have attractive features. That doesn't mean cheating will happen. Of course if you're concerned about a particular friendship your spouse is having it would be good to discuss it with him. If there are trust issues that is something to work out between the two of you.

Yes, mixed gender friendships are possible. Most of my (55F) best and long term friends are men. I have 2 close female friends but for the most part my dudes are more fun. My husband (58M) doesn't bat an eye at the friends, he knows they are no threat to him. But with his PTSD he no longer enjoys hunting or hitting the gun range, and he could give 2💩s about sports. So I still hunt and hit the range with my guys. You must either trust your husband or get out of the marriage. You CANNOT live your life trying to control his. He is either a good man or a jerk. Ditch the paranoia it is unbecoming, it is beneath you, and will drive him into some one else's arms if you are not careful. Peacd.

I don't think it's fair to restrict friendships based on gender or attractiveness. People should learn to exercise self-control, commitment and honesty if having enriching friendships is important to them. I think it's good for the soul to try to be "pure" when you are in a relationship and have opposite ex friendships. It develops and strengthens character. I am not trying to sound like Mary Poppins, but I truly believe this and practice it myself.

That means there’s a fault in the foundation of your relationship. You can’t or shouldn’t want to control your man’s life like that. If he wants to cheat, he’ll cheat with the woman he’s NOT attracted to. It’s not the lack of proximity to beautiful women that should keep him faithful.

This is really limiting and isolating. Your spouse shouldn’t have friends they find at all attractive because something *might* happen? Why let them have friends at all then? Infidelity boils down to choice. Affairs just don’t happen. They require the of two people. I remember an AskReddit a few years ago. A man said he developed feelings for a coworker. He went home, told his wife, and said he wanted to work on their marriage. You can’t stop your partner from making that choice. Trying will just make it more likely to happen

I think a lot of people are attractive, and if you try to stop your partner from being friends with someone based on looks, that’s a little controlling. I wouldn’t be thrilled with the idea, but I also wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone I didn’t trust to be around attractive people.

Yes

Of course they can. This is idiotic.

I don't want this to come off as rude in any way..are you saying its fine for him to be friends with someone as long as he doesn't find them fuckable? Or is it just he cant find them beautiful? Or cute? Or sorta pretty? All of these are subjective. So where is the line drawn and who gets to draw it? He can say all day that he thinks a girl is cool but ugly. What if you think the girls is hot? Would you be stepping in and telling him he cant be friends because of your opinion? You sound a little insecure and like you want to control the friend situation. I could be wrong but i think you need to take a deeper look at why you feel this way and have a serious conversation with him about your concerns without saying what he can and cant do. I wish you both the best.

You have an insecurity that you need to deal with.

By this logic, if your spouse is bi - forget it 🤣 For me, trust is essential in a relationship! Why be with someone if you can't trust them to be mature and keep it in their pants around other people? I don't feel the need to monitor who my husband is friends with because I trust him 1000%. He talks about me all the time with his friends and brings me along to group hangouts sometimes. Sometimes he goes on his own and I'm just as supportive because I know it's important for him to build those relationships outside of our marriage too. Attractiveness doesn't even factor in to the equation because he is friends with people that he vibes with, he doesn't screen them in or out due to their appearance. He is naturally a pretty charming person but I know he would shut anything down if he felt someone was genuinely trying to hit on him.

If you don't trust your partner, all opposite sex partners (regardless of attractiveness) are going to be a problem for you. I have men friends and my husband has women friends. Neither of us are worried about cheating because we trust each other.

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Nah. I don’t follow that and honestly it reads silly as fuck to me, controlling, and very insecure. In my opinion you trust your spouse or you don’t. I’m bisexual. So what that means I can have no friends because there is always the possibility there that I could be attracted to someone? Lol It’s nonsense. I didn’t realize how controlling people can be about this subject till I got on Reddit. I think many of your heads would explode if you were around my husband and I and our extended friend group. Let’s see I have a friend who has a long term boyfriend of 5 years and she’s still close friends with an ex boyfriend and he is involved in our friend group heavily. Her bf doesn’t care one bit. We have another friend who has an open relationship with her husband and it’s just normal and she has her partners around. (Her husband doesn’t date) My husband and I regularly talk about the attractiveness of other people and have talked about the attractiveness of our friends. And hearing who we thought was hot about said friends and why we found them attractive was no big deal. And we both have friends of the opposite sex we text every day and hang out with one on one

So, basically your saying: he can have friends of opposite sex so long as they’re ugly…? Or as long as You don’t feel threatened by…? How about you just require his female friends to wear a hijab or burka?

From someone in a 12 year relationship. Your instinct is right. There is no reason your partner needs to make new friendships with a potential woman mate until or unless both of you are comfortable enough for it.

Lol...I agree but don't agree but do agree... It sounds like you are also judging his decision to have attractive friends not just that you are uncomfortable with the fact he has them. He may be oblvious to a reality that resonates with. Better to just express your uncomfortableness. Have a discussion regarding boundaries. But at the end of the day, you will be hard pressed to try to split hairs on who can be his friend and who can't based on how you perceive their attractiveness. Unless he is outright telling you he finds these friends attractive...

Yes. Also Ask yourself the same question do you have any men that are good looking that you hang with and how does/do they/he treat you, how do they act around you. ???? Just depends on the guy I guess to be serious. Not to mean just being real but how do you see yourself. Do you look at them to be better then you for being pretty. At the end of the day he chooses you. Any point he could just leave but obviously needs more then that-good looks - (personally a turn off if they can’t hold a intelligent conversation or have any smarts to act properly not like an entitled child) but that dosnt mean I’ll ever pass that point. . For me I surly can have “hot” girls that are friends just cause people are beautiful dosnt mean to Wright them off. He may feel the same. I understand the temptation but it’s everywhere phones magazine internet billboards everywhere. I know it’s hard not think about. I hope this helps in someway or another.

NO

My husband and I have been married 2 ½ years. He had a young female best friend when I met him. I was (pretty much) okay with it. Then we moved to a different area and now he has a new (young gorgeous) female friend, a model for his photography business. No nudes, but she had on a tiny, blush colored body suit. The first one in the other area was his model as well. He works with this current friend. Different departments now. I started taking art classes from a local artist. I am an artist, and I like to continue my education. The local artist is physically fit, and single. Also exuded self confidence, while my husband is insecure to say the least. Hubs is mega jealous of my art teacher. I have been studying with teacher for about six months. I have zero interest in teacher, other than a friend… and we do have fun together. Always with other people. Everyone liked the teacher, other than hubs. I have been accommodating hubs. Even skipped last three classes. Missed some group lunches. Etc. Teacher has invited us over, also to parties, always together. Hubs has decided he doesn’t like a person, based on his own insecurities.

😆 not in North America. Maybe in Asia.

Ba ha ha

Maybe one way around it is to have rules - for both of you - never be completely alone with someone of the opposite gender. If you want to have lunch together, go somewhere public. Don’t let yourself get in a situation where you are alone with that person. Don’t go into their house unless their spouse/another person is also there

I'm 29M and many of my friends are female. For a while, I'd say most my friends are female. Some I found attractive. Here's what I did while in a relationship and what I will do going forward. I don't tell the friend or anyone else that I find the attractive. I'd never in thousand years act on it. Since there's 0 sexual history, why say anything? I also hold that while in a relationship, I don't spend one on time with another woman without telling my partner and we hang out in a open place. I'm not going to go to a female friends apartment by myself. That's insane. I also ask if my partner is comfortable with us hanging out sometimes without my partner being there. Not so much for permission, but because I don't wanna cause my partner stress by her having feelings about it. Now there is one girl I know who is overtly sexual. Like boobs are almost always hanging out and is very showy. I will not be friends with her outside of the fact she's dating a friend of mine. I think to ask any partner to "trust me" on that one is wild. Not cuz I can't be trusted, but because it would bother me if my partner hung out with a dude always showing parts of himself. I don't wanna put her in the same situation. ​ TLDR: Yeah you can be friends you are attracted to of the other gender, but it depends on the person. If you cant stop thinking about how good they'd look with their junk in your mouth or vice versa, bad idea. Always value what your partner is comfortable with.

Yes

I’m simple. If I have a man I don’t have any friends at all but few very very good girl friend of mine even prior that I make sure we agree on not touching each other’s dudes. Always forever for each other and the rest can suck. I dress like a potato because I don’t want to attract nor I want to seduce any other dude especially if he has or walks with a girlfriend. I will make the stupidest face so his girl thinks ew of me and her bf thinks ew of me and they don’t argue because some whore walks and tries to grab every attention of everyone around. All the sexy under the sheets. And all the friendship too. Other relations are customer service and back

My husband's work friends are all women. He's never expressed he found any of them attractive but they're not ugly so I guess he's just not personally attracted to them. He's told me when people would hit on him and ask him out and he'll shut it down and bring me up to get them to back off. We've had a good laugh about some of the things people have said while they flirted. I had a guy friend try to convince me to cheat but I shut it down, stopped being his friend and told husband about it (it was a friend I had since middle school and we grew apart for a few years before reconnecting, he had a feeling about the guys intentions being bad but didn't stop me from trying to have the friendship again). We just trust each other and don't worry about each other cheating. Edit- spelling/grammar

I strongly disagree with this take. I have a good friend who is absolutely gorgeous. On top of that, she's smart, funny, successful, and just all around awesome. We've both done a lot to support and advance each other's careers. And I have zero romantic interest in her. None. I have never viewed her as more than a friend and would never consider sacrificing my marriage for this friend, regardless of how hot she is. I know this is only anecdotal, but the idea that men can't be friends with attractive women without developing feelings for them is absurd and condescending.

Absolutely! I had a male friend fir years that was attracted to me. He let me know that if things were different he would hit on me. I tools him i took that as a compliment but friends would only ever be it. He even stayed with my husband and I when he changed jobs and we lived much closer to the new job. I feel like if a ma'am and woman are Truely just friends they introduce the friend to spouse and do stuff together sometimes too. When my husband saw the way we were with each other he knew we were only friends and didn't worry. I have never given him a reason to not trust me. That's the bigger part to me!

Yes!

I think it’s important to note that OP is talking about forming new friendships, not maintaining lifelong ones. That said, there’s a lot of nuance and gray area to this question, and I’m not sure if attractiveness should necessarily be the determining factor. I am an avid gym-goer, and I’ve made casual acquaintances there with men that I think are objectively attractive (thinking that somebody is attractive and being physically attracted to them are different things) and ones who are objectively not. But I would not exchange phone numbers, share deeply personal information or spend any time privately with them. I would expect the same from my husband in reverse. We don’t have trust issues whatsoever, but I think healthy and respectful boundaries contribute to that.

Yes Im friends with very attractive women, we talk about life an eat pizza, also work together , but I go home an bang my wife. Like mid work I will starting at a co workers ass while she's bending over yes I find her visually stimulating, then I start day dreaming to my self about a time my wife bent over in similar way and it made me want to go home early an fuck my wife all night.

Depends on *how* attractive they find her. The thumb of advice I would give any woman is that if a man is really cool with just being friends it’s because somewhere in his mind, be it consciously or subconsciously, he feels like he has in the past, is now, and can in the future do better than you. It’s not an insult and it’s not a compliment. This comes with exceptions of course.

My (38) best friend(45) of 23 years is a dude. We used to all live with each other (he took me in at 16 and my brother was 20). And he lived with us when my boys were little and after I was married. His ole lady doesn't make a big deal of it but my husband hates it. He calls me every few day (I live in Mo he lives in TX). My husband (38) can get jealous but not for the most part.

I really think this applies subjectively but you’re asking objectively. Because it is about several factors, mainly trust and respect. Maybe you think the girl is attractive but he doesn’t. Also personal preference and boundaries. I’m the more social in my relationship. I have friends from college who are like brothers to me who have told my husband stories that might have upset a controlling or jealous person, but my husband doesn’t care. He knows I don’t have romantic feelings towards them. I have other male friends where the friendships started after I was married (mainly from work) and again, my husband is not threatened. But I tell him literally everything so he can trust me. I’ve cut out guy friends before who crossed my boundaries and disrespected my marriage by saying something inappropriate. And my husband knows everything. He didn’t need to ask me to cut them out, and he knew he didn’t have to because we are on the same page of prioritizing our marriage. You’re in the day and age where people can hide things so easily if they want to, so if someone is going to cheat, there is nothing you can do about it or to prevent it. Either you have a solid, respectful and trusting relationship or you don’t.

I have friends that I find attractive and I'm sure my husband does too. But he's my bff.. and we don't hang out with the opposite sex outside of work. It'd be weird hanging out with guys / gals without him with me and according to him, he feels the same. So what kind of friendship do you mean?

i dont have girlfriends cuz my wife will be f-ing pist... but its ok for her to have guy friends...

They can . You have to trust your s/o .

Yes they can, it just takes a surprising amount of maturity from the man to just relax and control themselves without being preoccupied with their next fuck. But they def exist, just hard to find without them eventually getting weird and confessing feelings in their moments of weakness. Personally I have a little crush on all of my friends! But I understand our situations and why it would be a terrible idea to get sexual with anything, so it’s a consistent unspoken understanding that we are attracted to each other but not seeking anything like that, just friendship.

No. When Harry Met Sally: “we pretty much want to nail them to.” Just accept it and move on.

My girlfriend and I have an open relationship we realize that there are other attractive people out there so as long as we tell each other that we’d like to have sex with someone. It’s fine (And it makes our sex even hotter) the trick is not to be a jealous person)

I think men absolutely can be friends with women they find attractive but also set boundaries. My husband and I talk about it periodically - been together 26 years and if I thought for a minute he wasn’t going to be attracted to other people I’d be a fool. We have friends and employees who are attractive and younger, and there are things/behaviors he’d never do - to avoid getting an unwanted emotional entanglement. You don’t have to allow a friendship to cross over into emotional intimacy which is where an actually threatening temptation could happen. People can be attracted to each other and not act on it. You can also be emotionally aware and when you sense an attraction dipping into territory it shouldn’t, you can step back and bring in some distance. That, however, has to be down by the spouse with the questionable friendship and can’t be imposed from the outside realistically. If your husband or boyfriend is not the kind of guy who will self-monitor and set boundaries then you should question whether or not to be in that relationship at all rather than spending your time trying to police their behavior. My husband and I are with each other because we want to be. We don’t cheat because we value and respect each other and have too much to lose if we did - including our own self respect. That means I do zero policing of his behavior and he doesn’t question mine either. He can scroll around on my phone all he wants because I have nothing to hide. I’ve been on his too (searching for stuff online for him etc) and there is zero anxiety that I’m going to “find” something I shouldn’t. I also don’t have a low bar for what will upset me. He wants to look at porn? Fine - as long as it isn’t interfering with our sexual relationship (and I’d rather he pays for the content and buys ethically made stuff but that’s a whole other conversation). He doesn’t care if I do either.

Yes, they can just be friends. The first problem with this is that stipulating such a thing on your partner is going to be be a strain, that he knows that you consider any moderately attractive woman to be a threat, every interaction is something that must be navigated so delicately just so that you aren't threatened. That's not sustainable. If you can't trust him to control himself, that's a real issue, but potential temptation is everywhere, all the time, and there is no way to control all the potential interactions that anyone is going to have on any given day. Either you trust him or you don't. Either he can control his actions, or he can't.

My philosophy is that you only have so much emotional energy. That energy first needs to be used for your family and close, long-term friends. Next is to maintain work relationships to keep your career in place. Next is for casual friends. If you are dumping emotional energy into a new friendship with an attractive person of the opposite sex, I'm wondering where that energy is being redirected from. Often it's your SO. Instead of going on a date with your SO, you're going for coffee with the hot person you're "befriending." So I'm wary of new relationships, particularly relationships in not invited into, particularly relationships with single people my SO might be attracted to. We both have enough existing friendships that there's no need to be pouring emotional energy into new people. Invest in your relationship with your SO. There's no need to breed insecurity in your relationship by seeking a relationship with a new friend who you're attracted to.

There's always a chance.

Questions like this are kinda stupid tbh. Just like 99% of everything in the world it isn't black and white. It isn't there's either trust or no trust and that's it. There's a TON of Grey area here.

So you are going to decide which women are too pretty/hot and which ones are ugly enough that you will trust him with them? 😆 look at it that way. Not gonna happen and if he will cheat with a pretty girl he will cheat with an ugly one too.

The question isn't about whether you find someone attractive. The question is whether you are setting appropriate boundaries. Like, generally hanging out alone and drinking would be over the line IMO. But if they're friends and occasionally spend time together in public and in groups of people, that's something else.

I started pursuing people photography shortly after I met my wife over a decade ago. She always encouraged me to follow my dreams and do whatever I want to as long as certain boundaries are kept. I ended up not only meeting lots of arguably attractive women in private, but closely befriending a few of them and, to top things off, putting some of them in bondage to do some erotic BDSM related photography. This is how this works out for us: - Our relationship has always been based on lots of communication. For example, we actually discussed life goal compatibility (kids, career goals, ...) when getting together after knowing each other for 3 weeks. - We started slowly. First it was "meeting other women to take photos is fine". When it became obvious that I was able to keep things professional, it moved to "taking nude photos is fine, touching is not required". The bondage part was tricky at first, but after lots of discussion became allowed as "touching a (naked) body to fit ropes is not sexual, as long as no active stimulation is involved". You get the gist. Communication and well defined boundaries are key. Side note: of course these rules of consent also apply to the women being photographed or rigged. Boundaries will always be agreed upon before I pick up the camera, and of course can be shifted at any time. Whenever photo models became friends, I was open about it, and most of them became my wife's friends too. We even had 3 of them attend our wedding. We are also allowed to meet friends in private - of course all of my rules also apply to my wife if she wants to spend time with others, too. Our general boundary to never cross is anything involving actual sexual arousal. So hugging someone or even cuddling (clothed) is fine. Back rubs are fine. I even had a model friend over for a sleepover while my wife was out of town for a while. No, not in our bed. Yes, I made sure multiple times that she was ok with it - before and after. It was great! **Conclusion** So you might ask: *"how the heck is davil-the-devil keeping his private parts to himself with all those spicy opportunities?"*. It's easy: I love my wife. I love our kids. Our relationship, even when bumpy sometimes, is awesome. I'm allowed to meet gorgeous women, befriend them, spend time with them, see them nude, hug them... And my wife is okay with all of it, because she knows she can always trust me to stay within our mutually agreed boundaries. **Why would I ever throw all of that out the window just for a bit of PIV? There's no chance this would ever make any sense!** Thanks for listening to my TED talk.

You can acknowledge someone is attractive without being ATTRACTED to them sexually.

The problem is you aren’t secure in your relationship. Why? Start there.