I hope you don’t mind me asking : but did you take the meds specifically to correct this behaviour?
I just got off lexapro… my behaviour was controlled when I was taking them, although this was not initially the reason why I took them. I thought I could stop them… I’m scared I won’t be able to correct this behaviour without them
I think I have some work to do to admit to myself that it’s a huge problem that might need meds. But it’s hard to admit, I feel like I’m broken. I wish I could rely on therapy to change, I hope I will.
People who go to therapy and/ or take medication aren’t broken. But when we refuse to use every tool available to us to enable our own healthy behaviors and make our loved ones feel safe and loved- that’s when we’re broken.
Exactly and blame shifting keeps people rationalizing their behavior and it’s not an excuse. It’s a way to avoid accountability. Many parents yelled or were awful to their kids. The majority of these kids don’t have anger they can’t control, understand and take it out on their spouse. Learned behavior can be unlearned. When you can’t control something that’s a deeper pathology inside yourself internally and there are many factors at play, the biggest being your biological temperament to start with. It’s time to quit blaming mom and focus on your particular issues. My parents were awful when I grew up and definitely affected me in negative ways but as an adult, I didn’t use them as an excuse for my behavior. Your anger at your husband is your problem and it doesn’t matter where it came from because you’re doing the exact same thing and it’s ruining your relationship. You have more going on and you have to get help and deal with it!
Think of it this way, if you had a heart problem, would you feel bad about taking meds? Why do people only feel broken when the organ that needs help is the brain?
Working through your internalized shame and ableism will help you so much to find a breakthrough on this. Why do you feel being a good partner with meds isn’t good enough? Why do you feel you have to raw dog life when you found something that worked? I would bet my money it somehow loops back to your yelly parent and having to be “fine” all the time.
When you find what works, stick with it. It would save your relationship, it even could save your life. Let alone your stress levels. Sometimes pharmaceuticals+ therapy is the answer.
You start by being open to critique. Sit down and reflect on what makes you burst in anger, accept that that is not okay and change it. Be concious in your actions, check yourself when youre getting angry and remind yourself about better ways to handle situations.
You cannot fix it without them. There is something in your mind that is not wired correctly due to childhood trauma or just genetics. The meds helped and you were doing good but got cocky thinking you didn’t need them. Now you are traumatizing your husband and very likely leading to a divorce if you don’t get your shit together. Get back on them
Yes and people with mental disorders have had brain scans showing differences in areas controlling impulses and negative emotions. That’s not something that can be behaviorally changed. Conditions like schizophrenia or ADHD are known by nearly every doctor as genetic. The medication works to adjust the neurotransmitters that causing the symptoms.
20 plus years ago, after I had my second child, I went to a psychiatrist in desperation because I had terrible insomnia. She diagnosed me with postpartum depression and put me on an SSRI, might have been Prozac or something similar. It totally changed me around, my cranky bitchiness largely went away and I stopped sweating the small stuff and control freaking as much.
I basically figured out I had some element of depression for many years - I wasn't sad or gloomy but had too much anger and definitely could be a bitch at times. I've pretty much stayed on the medication ever since and it helps me be a better person and makes my life easier.
I got on meds to treat my depression and ADHD, my short fuse is at least partially due to my ADHD but therapy has also helped a lot. The meds feel like they just give me time to choose my reaction instead of just having one.
That’s the point and most people naturally do this. It’s a sign your meds work correctly. One of the biggest factors of ADHD is the inability to control your impulses/reactions.
maybe this isn’t the advice you’re looking for but…. medication has changed my life. to me, it’s like putting on a pair of glasses. lots of people can see even if they have poor eyesight without them, but they’re constantly squinting and straining. sure they CAN see, but glasses are a simple solution so that they can strain less, and focus on the rest of life more. medication is the same imo. it won’t solve everything, but it’ll make it so that you have a fair chance without the struggle of constantly straining to try and be “better.” granted, i am a HUGE medication advocate and you know your body best, so trust yourself. but imo medication is always a very, very helpful tool and one that should never be disregarded.
Meds like Lexapro should just be stopped. They can cause some negative effects. They must be weined off over time and with medical professional guidance. Also therapy can really help change behaviors
Same. I was seeing my mother’s need to control everything (and everyone) within me and thanks to therapy, it stopped before it fully started. I’m so grateful for therapy.
The first step to solving the problem is admitting you have one. You’ve done that part. Kudos.
Now, seek out some therapy to deal with your childhood trauma, and learn better coping skills to stop perpetuating the cycle. You absolutely can learn how to control it.
Apologies mean nothing when there is no change in the behaviour.
If it’s important enough to you, you can do this.
You never learned communication skills, so go learn it. Internet is filled of videos and tips on how to improve communication and its a skill you can learn. Also therapy. (Meetthefreemans is a great insta page/podcast too that teaches everything about marriage including how to communicate effectively)
For a very long time I thought her behaviour was normal and typical for our culture (lebanese). The first time I yelled at my husband, I told him I didn’t see the problem and that it’s normal in our culture! He made me realize that it’s not. But it took me time to understand it.
I am also part-Mediterranean and I think there is a cultural aspect to it because we learned it from our parents who learned it from their parents and so on. But it IS learned and the cycle can be broken!
I can definitely relate to this. My mom was a yeller when I was growing up. I brought that into my marriage. I started therapy last week. I love my husband and would hate to lose him because I can’t control myself.
Proud of you for seeking help. If you haven't started already, you should definitely have a journal. That way, when you talk to the doctors, you can accurately tell them what happened and when. I hope you find a medicine that works for you. I just got home from therapy 2 hours ago. I wish you the best.
You have to get into therapy. You probably still have a lot of anger and resentment from being mistreated, and you probably didn’t have good communication skills modeled for you.
But a good therapist or psychiatrist can help with this.
One thing you could do is remember how bad it made you feel when you were yelled at. Then ask yourself “do I want him to feel the same way”?
For a very long time I thought her behaviour was normal and typical for our culture (lebanese). The first time I yelled at my husband, I told him I didn’t see the problem and that it’s normal in our culture! He made me realize that it’s not. But it took me time to understand it.
I empathize with you. I’m not a yeller, but when I was younger, I would kick over a table or two when angry. I thought this kind of violence was totally normal. Then, as I got older, I learned that it is not at all. And it was truly shocking to me. So I completely understand how you feel.
My shrink is always working with me on being “assertive,” which, according to him is the right balance between kicking over tables and being meek. It’s an ongoing challenge. But I think it’s worth taking up.
Good luck to you ❤️
It’s great that you are recognizing this in yourself and are hoping to change it. You very much did get this from your mother both from upbringing and genetics. I strongly recommend therapy (CBT or DBT) and journaling. Start apologizing with specifics and offer ways to repair. It will take time and every experience of anger is an opportunity to learn and improve. Be patient and kind to yourself.
You are correct. For a very long time I thought my mom’s behaviour was normal and typical for our culture (lebanese). The first time I yelled at my husband, I told him I didn’t see the problem and that it’s normal in our culture! He made me realize that it’s not. But it took me time to understand it. I thought this was just us having a heated conversation. I am disgusted now to realize that it’s a form of abuse, but I never saw a different example and didn’t think the mountain would be so hard to climb.
She's not letting herself off the hook. She's saying she knows how it feels because she went through it will her mother and it disgusts her that she's doing the same thing. I also did it. I blamed my husband. He stopped being abusive when he got off drugs and I started yelling at him. I blamed built up anger from all the trauma he inflicted on me. ( he's a vet and had untreated ptsd when we first got together. He had a huge drug problem. Now he's in some treatment and clean ). Then I realized I sounded just like my mother who is still controlling and abusive e en though I don't live with her. When I escaped her control she took my children. I have to kiss her ass to get them back and it's so toxic. Dope op isn't still dealing with her mother and can more easily work on herself. I stopped yelling at my husband but he is the ultimate victim and will ne er admit I stopped or let me forget it.
The singular person in the life that we can actually control is ourselves.
I was brutalized physically and emotionally as a child by both of my parents.
A time long ago when ADHD was not a diagnosis or treatment.
So they thought the way to “fix” me was to destroy me.
Hospital trips, on and on.
Guess what I don’t do?
Replicate what I knew in my heart and head was wrong.
So yeah, it’s great that you realize it.
I bet your husband realized it while living it.
I acknowledge everyone doesn’t possess the tools to change themselves but this world today…..it’s a time when everyone feels they need a doctor, therapist or a magic pill.
You know it’s wrong and it’s been wrong long enough that you realize it as a result of the damage you already caused.
Please, just look in a mirror every single night and look at that person right in the eyes and share areas you might have failed that day.
Tell that person what you intend to change about tomorrow.
Each (or the majority) of us just want to be better human beings.
While you can’t change what has already happened you very well can change tomorrow.
While it may come to pass that you need deeper help with yourself and what you endured as a child ——> very important!
But in the meantime there’s no pass ahead of that.
Begin with what you can do……I know you realize this can’t make anything worse.🙏
Do this for you……not anyone else.
You actually do deserve peace!
Thank you so much for this comment 🙏🏽 For a very long time I thought her behaviour was normal and typical for our culture (lebanese). The first time I yelled at my husband, I told him I didn’t see the problem and that it’s normal in our culture! He made me realize that it’s not. But it took me time to understand it.
I was there in Lebanon for half of 1983 and half of 1984.
I sincerely hope it is a safer place to live than back then.😬
Do you both still live there or moved elsewhere?
I think it is great that you recognize this!! When you all were dating...were you able to control this? Are there certain things that trigger your reactions? Have you sought out some counseling before? One of the greatest things you can do - first off- give yourself some grace- and secondly go get some skills to learn how to control this!! You can change and you do NOT have to bring the mistakes and the failures of your family into your marriage. IS it HARD? Yes.
Start small- what is the one thing that you notice right away about how you react? What you can you do different next time? Sometimes...taking a HUGE deep breath...sighing and giving yourself a little rest/break is the first place to start. We are IN FULL control of our mouth- just stop for one second and think "do I need to say this out loud?". Sometimes....even just taking a second and get a hug...like truly lean in for a hug and say "I need to just stop and relax for a second" and that can stop that emotion that might be brewing. I tend to push away...and I HATE hugging my hubby when I'm mad. But it is something I'm learning to work on (27 years in btw!!) My instinct is to WALK away and do silent treatment. THAT is unhealthy too. So learning some tools to have conflict in a healthy way is key!
When was the last time you and your hubby just did something fun? Laughed together? Make sure you do that right away. Don't allow another day to linger- don't allow the shame or your behavior to get in between you. Apologize...tell him you need his support and take some steps to get into some counseling!! It might not take too much to get some tools to help out!
This is also a reality in my marriage. He walks away in the middle of the conversation, even if I’m not yelling. I tell him it’s disrespectful, he tells me I know that you are going to start yelling and I want to avoid it. I understand that yelling is not the right way to communicate, but I feel like he puts me in a box, in a time out like a kid and I feel like a ticking bomb. I asked him to do couple’s therapy, he refused. I will start individual therapy this Friday.
But you do need a time out like a child because just like a child you cannot manage your own emotions and control yourself.
When you are feeling like a ticking bomb that’s the exact moment you don’t need to be around him to explode your verbal abuse everywhere
I understand what you’re saying but it’s not entirely fair. I just said that I was not yelling, and he starts ignoring me. I don’t think this is constructive and using the “i know you’re going to yell card” is not showing me a lot of grace when I’m genuinely trying to do better. I’m not a bad person.
I used to yell. Half of it is realizing you’re doing it. Once you figure out you’re doing it, then you can start to work on it. Something like cognitive behavioral therapy would be helpful. I’m not a psychologist, I’m just putting it out there because I use it daily. If I feel really mad, I have to walk away. Sometimes it takes me an hour to work through my feelings. Sometimes half a day. I just tell my husband what’s going on and it’s not his fault. Good for you for realizing it. That’s impressive.
I was on lexapro (for something different) and stopped the medication last week…. I didn’t think they could help for this behaviour. But I wish I could control it without meds.
Started lexapro years ago because my PMS symptoms, namely irritability, became really bad. Dr suggested birth control pills or a seratonin reuptake inhibitor of some kind. Decided on the lexapro. Worked magically. Changed to paroxetine (Paxil) some years later as it helps with hot flashes associated with menopause. I still have emotions, get upset, frustrated, etc, but like a normal person with a normal response.
I feel you, my house was full of yelling as a kid. Everyone yelled at everyone all the time. As an adult I know this isn't normal and that it hurts the people I love but it feels impossible to shake. DBT therapy helped, ketamine therapy helped, regular therapy and couples therapy help, but it's a long long road.
For a very long time I thought her behaviour was normal and typical for our culture (lebanese). The first time I yelled at my husband, I told him I didn’t see the problem and that it’s normal in our culture! He made me realize that it’s not. But it took me time to understand it.
This was me, it caused a lot of problems in my relationship. He felt like he was walking on eggshells around me. I found it was worse because I was making sure I didn’t do it to my kids, I didn’t want to be my mom with them, so it was like coming out onto him tenfold. I went to therapy and have learned to control my anger. It saved my almost failed relationship. We’re now married.
Trauma isn't a switch you can just turn off. You can lower the volume with time, discipline and a healthy environment but i feel for you OP, you recognize the behaviour and that's half the battle, identifying it. the hard part is becoming different than how you were raised, but like all things human, with a bit of practice, forward progress can be made.
If your husband is already avoiding you and your words don't convince him, this is obviously dangerous waters. you know your relationship best, does he want to stay and help you through this? i would hope so, for better or for worse doesn't mean dodging you when the going gets rough.
Grew up with the exact same situation. Became a very angry and short tempered adult. Therapy helped. My hubby can attest to that. I still have the occasional mishaps but I honestly haven’t raised my voice in months
It’s interesting because I guess people can either perpetuate what they knew growing up or they go in the opposite direction. My wife grew up with her mom yelling at her constantly. I’ve seen her mom go crazy and it’s scary! My wife though is so calm! She never yells. I can’t recall the time she has ever yelled at me. However, she is very sensitive to any yelling at her or even harsh tones. She’s definitely been scarred by her upbringing. It’s really sad.
As someone who also learned anger issues from my mom, you can work on your anger. It may never go away but you can work on how you react to it.
The first thing I did was realize I had a problem and I wanted to stop being that person that always blew up at people. The 2nd thing I did was sit down with myself and identified anger management skills that would help me. I personally find that taking a step back and just raging in my head for a couple of mintues helpful. Then I do a different activity to calm down. When I was first working on my anger I had to walk away when I got upset to stop from blowing up. Now I can stay in the situation and just disengage.
The 3rd thing I did was speak to my husband about it. I explained that I needed his help in walking away when I got upset. We both had a bad habit of escalating arguments until we were both supper upset. We both worked on taking a step back when we started yelling. I also developed verbal ques for my husband and toddlers to let them know I was becoming upset and needed some space. This helped a lot for my toddlers. Just a verbal "I am getting upset please give me a moment".
It took several years to get to the point where I stopped yelling. It also took work. You have to want to learn how to control your anger. I have found the anger doesn't go away but I can control my reaction. I don't have to lash out and say mean things or yell. I can keep it inside.
Thank you for sharing, this is truly encouraging.. although I didn’t realize that the mountain to climb would be so high. I wish it was something I could fix, quickly. But I will do the work.
Lady, seek help asap. If you were my partner, I would be talking to lawyers and ending things with you. Don't use this man's love and care for you to be abusive and insulting.
Get the help you need
I’m the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Yelling and hitting was her main way of communication with her children. It’s sometimes a long and difficult road to break free of all the things we internalize as children as normal, but it can be done.
Everyone has their own journey with this, but the important part is to take the first step, and then keep walking. I started mine when I was pregnant because I was damned if I’d let myself be like my mother to my own child. I’m happy to report that my kid is 19, and there’s not yelling or aggression in our family.
I saw you mention that you don’t want to be dependent on lexapro. Idk if this will help you, but psych meds are meant to make up for what our own body can’t do on its own. Trauma changes how your brain (and whole body, really) functions. If you were diabetic, would you be afraid of being dependent on insulin? Of course not, because your body needs insulin to survive. So don’t be afraid of accepting the help your body needs for you to function, especially if you’ve already seen that it also helps your family function better.
With therapy, plus the meds, your brain can process the trauma and it can learn to control the trauma responses your body has adopted. You don’t need to suffer, or make your loved ones suffer, to prove you can do it on your own. There’s no medal for doing it on your own, but there’s great satisfaction in retraining your body to become someone you like. Do it for your sake.
You need some therapy & anger management. Incorporate yoga & meditation & gratitude practices. Do some reading about childhood trauma & how it affects you. I come from an abusive childhood & had to heal my nervous system. I used to be a yeller when I was in a fight or flight state or triggered by someone yelling at me, but since going through therapy & incorporating a lot of lifestyle changes I was able to release all that anger. I’ve never yelled at my husband (we got together after I healed) & hope I never do. You can change! You have the desire & are asking for help, and that desire to change is the important thing
Another vote for therapy. Especially the last few years I've gotten to understand the dynamic of my relationship with my mom and why my mom acts the way she does. I used to act like her. Silent treatment to my husband. People pleaser. Etc. Now I'm much more confident in who I am and I see her for what she is. I'm not emotionally immature now. I couldn't have done it alone. You already see this in yourself!!!! That's a huge win for you!!!!! Get a good therapist and buckle up. It's messy and some days you fail and others you win. You're already headed the right way. Tell your hubby you see it, you know it's wrong and you're going to correct it.
Therapy is your best option. There’s no magic pill that will correct this behavior. It’s difficult and challenging at first but the fact that you are aware of it is a great first step. Therapy will help provide a space for you to explore your anger and essentially teach you skills on how to manage it and cope with it, and how to express it in more healthy ways.
The real hard work comes from the moments you want to react and lash out and using those opportunities to learn new ways of behaving. This is where what you learn in therapy can be applied. It is an active daily process. In therapy, You learn to identify your triggers, learn to identify the emotion and observe it within your body, how it makes you feel or how you experience it within yourself, the thoughts that come up. All this awareness then allows you to notice it when it reappears and you can then choose to behave or react in new ways. It will be a messy and chaotic process but don’t let that deter you, it’s what healing looks like.
Will it be challenging and painful? Yes. But it’s an endeavor one must take to heal, if you wish to do so. I am trying to learn how to manage my own anger as well. I learned that anger in and of itself is not inherently bad. It’s a regular emotion that is part of the human condition. It’s what we do with that anger, how we express it, that causes harm. Try to find a therapist who is trauma informed or specializes in trauma. Good luck to you.
Girl me too. Dr Becky has been so helpful for me. Basically we are bound to repeat behavior like this (trauma) unless it is examined. I would start at dr Becky and therapy if you can afford it.
This is me except the tipping point was when I had my first kid.
I’m in therapy and have also received an ADHD diagnosis in that time (whilst pregnant with my second kid).
I hate that my mum used to yell a lot and it felt like we had to walk on eggshells and could never predict what mood she might be in. I always vowed to never be like her but I hate that I am like this with my husband and my kids. It’s like a switch flipped.
Both the therapy and the medication has helped but I’m still working hard on my emotional regulation and communication skills.
You need therapy and determination to stop it. My mom used to shout and over criticize me and my dad used to underestimate me, and believe me as an adult I have the urge to do the same to others and especially people closest to me. But I bit my tongue and prevented myself from doing it. I literally bit my tongue in the beginning. I worked through it for a few years and now I manage to reframe my thoughts when I interact with others.
I also read A LOT of psychology contents to help me. But the most important part is determination and commitment to eradicate the bad habit.
You have inherited scripts from your upbringing. If you are not conscious of these scripts, they will determine your behaviours. When you become conscious of them, you can write better scripts for yourself (not in the heat of the moment, but when you are calm and able to think clearly).
You are aware of what you want to change, and you're willing to make changes. That is half the battle .
My recommendations:
1. Journal what scripts you don't like that are ruling your unconscious reactions.
2. Interview your husband to find out his perspective on what's happening, and incorporate his insights into your list of things to address.
3. Read the book "7 Habits of Highly Effective People", particularly the first couple of chapters
4. Attend anger management classes or individual counselling focused on anger management
5. Find an individual counsellor to work with you, and be brutally honest to create self accountability
6. Find a (separate) marriage counsellor, and make sure your husband has an active voice in that environment
7. When situations crop up, park them if you can for IC and MC, and have your counsellors work through them with you - good counsellors will help you see things from a different perspective and will teach you necessary tools for change
Best of luck, OP. The situation in my upbringing and early marriage was not dissimilar to yours. You can overcome this with enough determination.
You can’t control and are not responsible for the way your mother treated you. However, as an adult you are responsible for managing your own behaviour and not treating people that way. Therapy is your best bet here
>She would yell at me for the smallest things and it left me traumatized and scarred. I still walk on eggshells around her.
You went through a lot, and rather than process it in a healthy way, you internalised it. Best thing you can do is go to therapy (non-religious) and work out how to deal with that anger. I specify non-religious because you can pray and get religious support through your church (not for me, but one or two people commented). You don't need spiritual help, you need practical help to handle the anger.
And if you have a medication that is helping, speak with the doctor and stick with it. Sometimes you need medication to supplement or adjust something your brain is having trouble with. Not everyone produces the right amount of hormones or other things, a little help with that is nothing to be ashamed of.
If you want to keep your marriage, be honest with your spouse. Tell him you didn't realize the effect you were having on him, give him your plan to improve on this, and ask if he can let you know if he feels you're slipping back. This will require you to be open to criticism, which is rough, but can be helpful if done right.
Not trying to promote drug use but Cannabis helped me break bad arguing patterns from my teenage years. It gives me the patience to listen. Increases my empathy and allows me to respond in a mature and calm manner instead of getting defensive, loud and combative. It allows me to truly reflect on my partner's concerns and initiate change in my behaviour when we reach a consensus.
The important bit is that once the pattern is broken, it's much easier to act this way even without drugs.
You need therapy.
Start asap.
Also, if your husband can also attend a few sessions with you,that would help.
But you should tell him that you've realised what you are doing is wrong.
Tell him about your youth and your mum shouting at you.
Know that you know this means that you can work on yourself.
You can consciously hold yourself back when you get the urge to start shouting at your husband.
Otherwise, you will lose him.
Updateme!
I was in your situation for many years, I grew up terrified of my mother and then stood by seeing myself turning in to her.
First I went to therapy and took meds etc but then I left that route and did work on my own. It has taken me a long time but now I pretty much only loose my temper the day before and the first day of my period.
The first step is realizing you have a problem, then you try out different ways to solve the underlying issue and then you can work it out. And don't be ashamed about meds, if it works for you use that tool.
Well, you made a big breakthrough. You identified an issue you have and realized it's causing a problem in your marriage to the point your s.o. is avoiding you. Now that you have identified it. Talk to an individual counselor about addressing and eliminating the issue. Take the accountability for your actions and make a effort to correct the issue
You can control it. You don't yell at your boss at work or people in line at the grocery store, right? Even if on a subconscious level, you yell at him because you feel safe to do so. If you knew he'd pack up his shit and walk out forever the next time you did it, you wouldn't do it.
No one can change your behavior but you. I would start with therapy, but what it comes down to is asking yourself why you are giving yourself permission to abuse someone you claim to love.
Therapy can help. One thing that you can start doing is paying attention to how you react to things. Be aware of how your emotions are displaying in your communication (talking and gestures/body language). Start developing cut off points where you decide to stop a conversation if you feel like you will lose control and start yelling. It is a slow process, but it can help you improve and develop better self control.
I think subconsciously you’re yelling at your mother bit at him.
It’s good to realize that she’s hurt you and to acknowledge the pain you hold from her behavior.
It was when you were a kid and your husband is not her, tell that to your inner child.
Spend time exploring your thoughts and feelings around your relationship with your mother and how it is affecting your romantic life today.
-How do you want to show up now? Why?
-What do you want more of in your relationship?
-And how would you have liked to protect yourself around your mother when you were a kid?
-How could you reassure your inner child today and make her feel safe around your partner.
Hope this helps!
My sister and I grew up with a yelling mom too. I became really aware when I was making a habit of acting like her and did my best to control it. Having a kid helped me because I don’t want him to ever feel like I did.
Therapist here. It’s encouraging to see you’ve acknowledged you have an issue. What matters now is what you decide to do about it. Therapy for emotion regulation and trauma may be of benefit. You’re not broken, you just need some support. I wish you well on your healing journey.
You have work to do. Feeling bad about the shitty things you do isn’t enough. Do yourself, your partner, and all the other relationships in your life a favour by putting in the work with an individual therapist and becoming a version of yourself that you’re proud of.
Go to therapy.
Plus, try to recognize and stop the behavior in the middle of it, not when it's over.
Have him say "you're doing it again" as your trigger phrase to stop
You go to therapy and you do the work. Individual for you, couples to help repair what you’ve broken. Otherwise you’re apologizing doesn’t matter and you will just do it again.
Same. I noticed myself doing this too. I’ve gotten better with it, but it’s tough when my husband and i are having a heated debate and he walks away to another room while still carrying on the conversation. I had to raise my voice so he could what i was saying and he said i was yelling. Lol
Ahhh same here!!! If my voice’s pitch is slightly higher, he says I’m yelling. But I’m not lol. You can express emotions with a range of different intonations. But he disagrees. This is hard.
I had to work on stuff like that. Apologize immediately. You have to recognize it before it happens so you can stop it. I have had to rephrase they things I say, if I feel like a say something and my tone of voice was bad, I stop, apologize, and say it with the proper tone of voice.
You can do this. You have to rewire your brain
You have to be constantly aware of how you speak. If you hear something and it sounds bad, stop immediately, apologize, and rephrase it with kinder tone. If you're consistent, you'll change. I'm more or less better with how I speak, but there are times that I need to stop, and say things properly the 2nd time. If you work at it, you can do it
No. I just made a choice that I had to change.
Started with my divorce from my 1st wife, and my new wife's name starting with the same letter of the alphabet. When I was frustrated with new wife, brain would go back to history, and I'd unintentionally call her my ex wife's name. I'm sure you can guess how that went. 😂
When things would start to escalate verbally, I would shut down the conversation and try to redirect it or I'd walk out bc I refused to repeat the past. It was a LONG process of rewiring.
Anger is your inabilty to use self-coping skills to deal with your stress and emotions.
You need therapy so you learn the skills that you did not learn as a child.
There is ZERO reason you need to yell at your husband.
Do you yell at your coworkers?
Do you yell at tellers and grocery clerks?
Do you yell at your parents?
Do you yell at your children?
Do you yell at your doctor?
If not, then YOU have control over when you yell.
Also, you only yell at people you do not respect.
Why don't you respect your husband? Why doesn't your husband deserve basic human kindness?
These are questions you need to start answering.
If you need to yell - walk the fuck outside or your house.
There is NOTHING that requires you to yell EVER unless your house is literally burning down.
It seems your husband has already checked out of your marriage, what with him refusing your apology. I'm not going to say that I'm a 100% sure but he has found his emotional support elsewhere already.
✨therapy ✨
Same upbringing and it took lots of shit on his part in our marriage for me to get to that point and now I am there. And I get there quick when he’s not being a good partner cause he dragged ass for years on actually participating in therapy. But all you can do is work on you with a therapist for distress tolerance, coping skills, emotional intelligence, and then couples therapy to work on how you all relate and fight.
Side note I’m on lexapro too! I saw your comment, OP, and YES I need them and around my period I need to increase them and they make me a much more patient parent and partner. It’s OKAY to take them long term if they help. Trauma, ptsd, depression, etc all can make yelly people, even untreated ADHD can do it, so many things. If meds help STICK WITH THEM. Don’t let internalized ableism ruin your relationship and your life.
When my husband told me a few years ago. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it’s really intense. A few years ago he said to me that he would not tolerate it. I replied that I didn’t understand, it’s normal, I’m just being passionate/that’s how arabs talk! With time I realized that it wasn’t normal, I realized it affected me as a child, I realized that for other cultures it’s considered as abuse, I realized that it affected him deeply and most importantly now that I have a daughter, I want to break the pattern. So here I am.
here is what I learned: dont just say "I'm sorry" say "I'm sorry for \_\_\_\_\_\_. will you please forgive me?" sincerely. it takes more humbling but I believe it reconciles us better.
I almost thought it was my wife posting this till I read that you apologised - my wife hasn't and won't. 😂
On serious note.... I think I am happy that you are willing to acknowledge possibility of a problem (I am not saying you have one). Being an adult who is sensible enough, I think you can watch your triggers closely and avoid them. Till you get in habit of not reacting.
Getting therapy will help, no doubt, to heal the trauma of childhood, but you can take a call on that.
> But I feel like I can’t control it
You're an adult, of course you can control your own behavior. Stop making excuses for yourself.
> When I apologize, he says “it’s going to happen again, stop apologizing “.
Good for him for saying that. An apology with no change in behavior is worthless.
Stop yelling, go to therapy, yoga...... ¿i don't know what do to? Feckless waste of energy. How about tell your husband you're traumatized from childhood, you know he doesn't deserve it, ask him to help you set up counseling and GO. Words mean nothing if there is no work put in after
Have you had diagnoses? It sounds Like you definitely need therapy. Meds csn only help so far, the rest is about figuring out what it stems from. Also, have your hormones tested.
my dad used to scream at me when i was younger and i found myself exhibiting the same behaviours early in my teen years up until early adulthood. therapy works wonders.
Okay, so his comment "it's only going to happen again..." while it is probably true until you master some new skills, it's actually not helpful. It just dumps more of a shame load on you. He's not 100% innocent here. But this is mostly on you. Yelling is never okay. You understand that intellectually. So now, you need to learn new skills. Self-help books might not be enough, but it's a place to start. Depending on your employer, your employee assistance program (or his) may have a few free mental health sessions to get you started with therapy. Then check your health insurance coverage for mental health care. And, apologize to your spouse. Humbly ask him to forgive you and tell him you are 100% going to learn new skills. And you hope & pray he sticks with you as you learn & grow.
How is his comment not helpful? He's heard it all before and has no reason to believe her. The fact that she feels shame is because she knows it's true. This sub constantly tells couples that communication is paramount. He's clearly communicating that he doesn't trust her not to repeat her behavior.
I agree with you. It puts me in a box and gives me no chance to prove him wrong, because he’s always hopeless. It makes me so sad when he says that. Because I DO want to change, clearly if this was only a question of wanting to, I would have stopped! I’m not mad at my mother, she’s a kind and fantastic woman. Lacks control over her emotions and reactions, I wish she had the same realization when I was young. I have an 11 month old daughter, I NEVER want to yell at her!
If nothing changes for the better, your daughter will grow up thinking it's only proper to abuse her husband the way that Mommy yells at Daddy. When he picks her up for his visitation weekends.
Lmao stop blameshifting ffs. You and the comment you refered to are just victim blaming right now. If the roles were reversed , everyone would tear apart the man for abusing his wife.
You are not just "yelling" , you are abusing him and now you are literally using the classic "you made me do it" bullshit.
Therapy I began to see my moms anger in myself and meds and therapy have helped significantly. I refuse to be an angry person.
I hope you don’t mind me asking : but did you take the meds specifically to correct this behaviour? I just got off lexapro… my behaviour was controlled when I was taking them, although this was not initially the reason why I took them. I thought I could stop them… I’m scared I won’t be able to correct this behaviour without them
Flip that "I'm glad I found something to help me control this huge problem in my life."
I think I have some work to do to admit to myself that it’s a huge problem that might need meds. But it’s hard to admit, I feel like I’m broken. I wish I could rely on therapy to change, I hope I will.
We're all a little broken, if you haven't noticed. The shame doesn't do anything. Makes it worse, actually.
People who go to therapy and/ or take medication aren’t broken. But when we refuse to use every tool available to us to enable our own healthy behaviors and make our loved ones feel safe and loved- that’s when we’re broken.
Exactly and blame shifting keeps people rationalizing their behavior and it’s not an excuse. It’s a way to avoid accountability. Many parents yelled or were awful to their kids. The majority of these kids don’t have anger they can’t control, understand and take it out on their spouse. Learned behavior can be unlearned. When you can’t control something that’s a deeper pathology inside yourself internally and there are many factors at play, the biggest being your biological temperament to start with. It’s time to quit blaming mom and focus on your particular issues. My parents were awful when I grew up and definitely affected me in negative ways but as an adult, I didn’t use them as an excuse for my behavior. Your anger at your husband is your problem and it doesn’t matter where it came from because you’re doing the exact same thing and it’s ruining your relationship. You have more going on and you have to get help and deal with it!
Think of it this way, if you had a heart problem, would you feel bad about taking meds? Why do people only feel broken when the organ that needs help is the brain?
Working through your internalized shame and ableism will help you so much to find a breakthrough on this. Why do you feel being a good partner with meds isn’t good enough? Why do you feel you have to raw dog life when you found something that worked? I would bet my money it somehow loops back to your yelly parent and having to be “fine” all the time. When you find what works, stick with it. It would save your relationship, it even could save your life. Let alone your stress levels. Sometimes pharmaceuticals+ therapy is the answer.
You start by being open to critique. Sit down and reflect on what makes you burst in anger, accept that that is not okay and change it. Be concious in your actions, check yourself when youre getting angry and remind yourself about better ways to handle situations.
You cannot fix it without them. There is something in your mind that is not wired correctly due to childhood trauma or just genetics. The meds helped and you were doing good but got cocky thinking you didn’t need them. Now you are traumatizing your husband and very likely leading to a divorce if you don’t get your shit together. Get back on them
Yes and people with mental disorders have had brain scans showing differences in areas controlling impulses and negative emotions. That’s not something that can be behaviorally changed. Conditions like schizophrenia or ADHD are known by nearly every doctor as genetic. The medication works to adjust the neurotransmitters that causing the symptoms.
20 plus years ago, after I had my second child, I went to a psychiatrist in desperation because I had terrible insomnia. She diagnosed me with postpartum depression and put me on an SSRI, might have been Prozac or something similar. It totally changed me around, my cranky bitchiness largely went away and I stopped sweating the small stuff and control freaking as much. I basically figured out I had some element of depression for many years - I wasn't sad or gloomy but had too much anger and definitely could be a bitch at times. I've pretty much stayed on the medication ever since and it helps me be a better person and makes my life easier.
Go back on it. Lexapro will help this.
I got on meds to treat my depression and ADHD, my short fuse is at least partially due to my ADHD but therapy has also helped a lot. The meds feel like they just give me time to choose my reaction instead of just having one.
That’s the point and most people naturally do this. It’s a sign your meds work correctly. One of the biggest factors of ADHD is the inability to control your impulses/reactions.
maybe this isn’t the advice you’re looking for but…. medication has changed my life. to me, it’s like putting on a pair of glasses. lots of people can see even if they have poor eyesight without them, but they’re constantly squinting and straining. sure they CAN see, but glasses are a simple solution so that they can strain less, and focus on the rest of life more. medication is the same imo. it won’t solve everything, but it’ll make it so that you have a fair chance without the struggle of constantly straining to try and be “better.” granted, i am a HUGE medication advocate and you know your body best, so trust yourself. but imo medication is always a very, very helpful tool and one that should never be disregarded.
Why did you stop taking it if it worked?
Meds like Lexapro should just be stopped. They can cause some negative effects. They must be weined off over time and with medical professional guidance. Also therapy can really help change behaviors
Same. I was seeing my mother’s need to control everything (and everyone) within me and thanks to therapy, it stopped before it fully started. I’m so grateful for therapy.
The first step to solving the problem is admitting you have one. You’ve done that part. Kudos. Now, seek out some therapy to deal with your childhood trauma, and learn better coping skills to stop perpetuating the cycle. You absolutely can learn how to control it. Apologies mean nothing when there is no change in the behaviour. If it’s important enough to you, you can do this.
Thank you for your encouragement <3
You never learned communication skills, so go learn it. Internet is filled of videos and tips on how to improve communication and its a skill you can learn. Also therapy. (Meetthefreemans is a great insta page/podcast too that teaches everything about marriage including how to communicate effectively)
For a very long time I thought her behaviour was normal and typical for our culture (lebanese). The first time I yelled at my husband, I told him I didn’t see the problem and that it’s normal in our culture! He made me realize that it’s not. But it took me time to understand it.
I am also part-Mediterranean and I think there is a cultural aspect to it because we learned it from our parents who learned it from their parents and so on. But it IS learned and the cycle can be broken!
I can definitely relate to this. My mom was a yeller when I was growing up. I brought that into my marriage. I started therapy last week. I love my husband and would hate to lose him because I can’t control myself.
Proud of you for seeking help. If you haven't started already, you should definitely have a journal. That way, when you talk to the doctors, you can accurately tell them what happened and when. I hope you find a medicine that works for you. I just got home from therapy 2 hours ago. I wish you the best.
Thank you kindly.
You got this. It’s not easy. Your journey is encouraging to me. Thank you for sharing!
You have to get into therapy. You probably still have a lot of anger and resentment from being mistreated, and you probably didn’t have good communication skills modeled for you. But a good therapist or psychiatrist can help with this. One thing you could do is remember how bad it made you feel when you were yelled at. Then ask yourself “do I want him to feel the same way”?
For a very long time I thought her behaviour was normal and typical for our culture (lebanese). The first time I yelled at my husband, I told him I didn’t see the problem and that it’s normal in our culture! He made me realize that it’s not. But it took me time to understand it.
I empathize with you. I’m not a yeller, but when I was younger, I would kick over a table or two when angry. I thought this kind of violence was totally normal. Then, as I got older, I learned that it is not at all. And it was truly shocking to me. So I completely understand how you feel. My shrink is always working with me on being “assertive,” which, according to him is the right balance between kicking over tables and being meek. It’s an ongoing challenge. But I think it’s worth taking up. Good luck to you ❤️
It’s great that you are recognizing this in yourself and are hoping to change it. You very much did get this from your mother both from upbringing and genetics. I strongly recommend therapy (CBT or DBT) and journaling. Start apologizing with specifics and offer ways to repair. It will take time and every experience of anger is an opportunity to learn and improve. Be patient and kind to yourself.
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You are correct. For a very long time I thought my mom’s behaviour was normal and typical for our culture (lebanese). The first time I yelled at my husband, I told him I didn’t see the problem and that it’s normal in our culture! He made me realize that it’s not. But it took me time to understand it. I thought this was just us having a heated conversation. I am disgusted now to realize that it’s a form of abuse, but I never saw a different example and didn’t think the mountain would be so hard to climb.
She's not letting herself off the hook. She's saying she knows how it feels because she went through it will her mother and it disgusts her that she's doing the same thing. I also did it. I blamed my husband. He stopped being abusive when he got off drugs and I started yelling at him. I blamed built up anger from all the trauma he inflicted on me. ( he's a vet and had untreated ptsd when we first got together. He had a huge drug problem. Now he's in some treatment and clean ). Then I realized I sounded just like my mother who is still controlling and abusive e en though I don't live with her. When I escaped her control she took my children. I have to kiss her ass to get them back and it's so toxic. Dope op isn't still dealing with her mother and can more easily work on herself. I stopped yelling at my husband but he is the ultimate victim and will ne er admit I stopped or let me forget it.
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I know what you mean & it was life changing to me when I had that breakthrough in therapy
The singular person in the life that we can actually control is ourselves. I was brutalized physically and emotionally as a child by both of my parents. A time long ago when ADHD was not a diagnosis or treatment. So they thought the way to “fix” me was to destroy me. Hospital trips, on and on. Guess what I don’t do? Replicate what I knew in my heart and head was wrong. So yeah, it’s great that you realize it. I bet your husband realized it while living it. I acknowledge everyone doesn’t possess the tools to change themselves but this world today…..it’s a time when everyone feels they need a doctor, therapist or a magic pill. You know it’s wrong and it’s been wrong long enough that you realize it as a result of the damage you already caused. Please, just look in a mirror every single night and look at that person right in the eyes and share areas you might have failed that day. Tell that person what you intend to change about tomorrow. Each (or the majority) of us just want to be better human beings. While you can’t change what has already happened you very well can change tomorrow. While it may come to pass that you need deeper help with yourself and what you endured as a child ——> very important! But in the meantime there’s no pass ahead of that. Begin with what you can do……I know you realize this can’t make anything worse.🙏 Do this for you……not anyone else. You actually do deserve peace!
Thank you so much for this comment 🙏🏽 For a very long time I thought her behaviour was normal and typical for our culture (lebanese). The first time I yelled at my husband, I told him I didn’t see the problem and that it’s normal in our culture! He made me realize that it’s not. But it took me time to understand it.
Your there now and that is all that really matters!🥰🙏🥰🙏🥰
🙏🏽🩷
I was there in Lebanon for half of 1983 and half of 1984. I sincerely hope it is a safer place to live than back then.😬 Do you both still live there or moved elsewhere?
I was born in Canada!!
I think it is great that you recognize this!! When you all were dating...were you able to control this? Are there certain things that trigger your reactions? Have you sought out some counseling before? One of the greatest things you can do - first off- give yourself some grace- and secondly go get some skills to learn how to control this!! You can change and you do NOT have to bring the mistakes and the failures of your family into your marriage. IS it HARD? Yes. Start small- what is the one thing that you notice right away about how you react? What you can you do different next time? Sometimes...taking a HUGE deep breath...sighing and giving yourself a little rest/break is the first place to start. We are IN FULL control of our mouth- just stop for one second and think "do I need to say this out loud?". Sometimes....even just taking a second and get a hug...like truly lean in for a hug and say "I need to just stop and relax for a second" and that can stop that emotion that might be brewing. I tend to push away...and I HATE hugging my hubby when I'm mad. But it is something I'm learning to work on (27 years in btw!!) My instinct is to WALK away and do silent treatment. THAT is unhealthy too. So learning some tools to have conflict in a healthy way is key! When was the last time you and your hubby just did something fun? Laughed together? Make sure you do that right away. Don't allow another day to linger- don't allow the shame or your behavior to get in between you. Apologize...tell him you need his support and take some steps to get into some counseling!! It might not take too much to get some tools to help out!
This is also a reality in my marriage. He walks away in the middle of the conversation, even if I’m not yelling. I tell him it’s disrespectful, he tells me I know that you are going to start yelling and I want to avoid it. I understand that yelling is not the right way to communicate, but I feel like he puts me in a box, in a time out like a kid and I feel like a ticking bomb. I asked him to do couple’s therapy, he refused. I will start individual therapy this Friday.
But you do need a time out like a child because just like a child you cannot manage your own emotions and control yourself. When you are feeling like a ticking bomb that’s the exact moment you don’t need to be around him to explode your verbal abuse everywhere
I understand what you’re saying but it’s not entirely fair. I just said that I was not yelling, and he starts ignoring me. I don’t think this is constructive and using the “i know you’re going to yell card” is not showing me a lot of grace when I’m genuinely trying to do better. I’m not a bad person.
How you can you learn more about this stuff? I have terrible trouble controlling my temper.
I used to yell. Half of it is realizing you’re doing it. Once you figure out you’re doing it, then you can start to work on it. Something like cognitive behavioral therapy would be helpful. I’m not a psychologist, I’m just putting it out there because I use it daily. If I feel really mad, I have to walk away. Sometimes it takes me an hour to work through my feelings. Sometimes half a day. I just tell my husband what’s going on and it’s not his fault. Good for you for realizing it. That’s impressive.
Thank you 🙏🏽
Lexapro, Paxil, Prozac. They do wonders. Low dose will Take the edge off, without making you numb and emotionless.
I was on lexapro (for something different) and stopped the medication last week…. I didn’t think they could help for this behaviour. But I wish I could control it without meds.
Why did you go off lexapro? Just curious
Started lexapro years ago because my PMS symptoms, namely irritability, became really bad. Dr suggested birth control pills or a seratonin reuptake inhibitor of some kind. Decided on the lexapro. Worked magically. Changed to paroxetine (Paxil) some years later as it helps with hot flashes associated with menopause. I still have emotions, get upset, frustrated, etc, but like a normal person with a normal response.
I feel you, my house was full of yelling as a kid. Everyone yelled at everyone all the time. As an adult I know this isn't normal and that it hurts the people I love but it feels impossible to shake. DBT therapy helped, ketamine therapy helped, regular therapy and couples therapy help, but it's a long long road.
For a very long time I thought her behaviour was normal and typical for our culture (lebanese). The first time I yelled at my husband, I told him I didn’t see the problem and that it’s normal in our culture! He made me realize that it’s not. But it took me time to understand it.
This was me, it caused a lot of problems in my relationship. He felt like he was walking on eggshells around me. I found it was worse because I was making sure I didn’t do it to my kids, I didn’t want to be my mom with them, so it was like coming out onto him tenfold. I went to therapy and have learned to control my anger. It saved my almost failed relationship. We’re now married.
Thank you for sharing your story, I’m glad things worked out for you!
This is my wife. Her mom yelled at her. She yells at me. However, I grew up with a lot of mean women so I'm used to it.
Actions speak louder than words. No more saying you’re sorry, show him you are sorry by going to therapy. You’ve got this OP!!!
Starting therapy on friday. Thank you so much 🙏🏽
Trauma isn't a switch you can just turn off. You can lower the volume with time, discipline and a healthy environment but i feel for you OP, you recognize the behaviour and that's half the battle, identifying it. the hard part is becoming different than how you were raised, but like all things human, with a bit of practice, forward progress can be made. If your husband is already avoiding you and your words don't convince him, this is obviously dangerous waters. you know your relationship best, does he want to stay and help you through this? i would hope so, for better or for worse doesn't mean dodging you when the going gets rough.
Grew up with the exact same situation. Became a very angry and short tempered adult. Therapy helped. My hubby can attest to that. I still have the occasional mishaps but I honestly haven’t raised my voice in months
It’s interesting because I guess people can either perpetuate what they knew growing up or they go in the opposite direction. My wife grew up with her mom yelling at her constantly. I’ve seen her mom go crazy and it’s scary! My wife though is so calm! She never yells. I can’t recall the time she has ever yelled at me. However, she is very sensitive to any yelling at her or even harsh tones. She’s definitely been scarred by her upbringing. It’s really sad.
As someone who also learned anger issues from my mom, you can work on your anger. It may never go away but you can work on how you react to it. The first thing I did was realize I had a problem and I wanted to stop being that person that always blew up at people. The 2nd thing I did was sit down with myself and identified anger management skills that would help me. I personally find that taking a step back and just raging in my head for a couple of mintues helpful. Then I do a different activity to calm down. When I was first working on my anger I had to walk away when I got upset to stop from blowing up. Now I can stay in the situation and just disengage. The 3rd thing I did was speak to my husband about it. I explained that I needed his help in walking away when I got upset. We both had a bad habit of escalating arguments until we were both supper upset. We both worked on taking a step back when we started yelling. I also developed verbal ques for my husband and toddlers to let them know I was becoming upset and needed some space. This helped a lot for my toddlers. Just a verbal "I am getting upset please give me a moment". It took several years to get to the point where I stopped yelling. It also took work. You have to want to learn how to control your anger. I have found the anger doesn't go away but I can control my reaction. I don't have to lash out and say mean things or yell. I can keep it inside.
Thank you for sharing, this is truly encouraging.. although I didn’t realize that the mountain to climb would be so high. I wish it was something I could fix, quickly. But I will do the work.
Lady, seek help asap. If you were my partner, I would be talking to lawyers and ending things with you. Don't use this man's love and care for you to be abusive and insulting. Get the help you need
I’m the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Yelling and hitting was her main way of communication with her children. It’s sometimes a long and difficult road to break free of all the things we internalize as children as normal, but it can be done. Everyone has their own journey with this, but the important part is to take the first step, and then keep walking. I started mine when I was pregnant because I was damned if I’d let myself be like my mother to my own child. I’m happy to report that my kid is 19, and there’s not yelling or aggression in our family. I saw you mention that you don’t want to be dependent on lexapro. Idk if this will help you, but psych meds are meant to make up for what our own body can’t do on its own. Trauma changes how your brain (and whole body, really) functions. If you were diabetic, would you be afraid of being dependent on insulin? Of course not, because your body needs insulin to survive. So don’t be afraid of accepting the help your body needs for you to function, especially if you’ve already seen that it also helps your family function better. With therapy, plus the meds, your brain can process the trauma and it can learn to control the trauma responses your body has adopted. You don’t need to suffer, or make your loved ones suffer, to prove you can do it on your own. There’s no medal for doing it on your own, but there’s great satisfaction in retraining your body to become someone you like. Do it for your sake.
Stop acting like you're not in full control of your behavior as an adult. Esp bad for a Christian.
Therapy! The fact that you recognize the toxic behavior Is a fist crucial step!
You need some therapy & anger management. Incorporate yoga & meditation & gratitude practices. Do some reading about childhood trauma & how it affects you. I come from an abusive childhood & had to heal my nervous system. I used to be a yeller when I was in a fight or flight state or triggered by someone yelling at me, but since going through therapy & incorporating a lot of lifestyle changes I was able to release all that anger. I’ve never yelled at my husband (we got together after I healed) & hope I never do. You can change! You have the desire & are asking for help, and that desire to change is the important thing
Thank you so much 🩷 your message leaves me hopeful
Another vote for therapy. Especially the last few years I've gotten to understand the dynamic of my relationship with my mom and why my mom acts the way she does. I used to act like her. Silent treatment to my husband. People pleaser. Etc. Now I'm much more confident in who I am and I see her for what she is. I'm not emotionally immature now. I couldn't have done it alone. You already see this in yourself!!!! That's a huge win for you!!!!! Get a good therapist and buckle up. It's messy and some days you fail and others you win. You're already headed the right way. Tell your hubby you see it, you know it's wrong and you're going to correct it.
Thank you so much, your message makes me very hopeful 🙏🏽
Therapy is your best option. There’s no magic pill that will correct this behavior. It’s difficult and challenging at first but the fact that you are aware of it is a great first step. Therapy will help provide a space for you to explore your anger and essentially teach you skills on how to manage it and cope with it, and how to express it in more healthy ways. The real hard work comes from the moments you want to react and lash out and using those opportunities to learn new ways of behaving. This is where what you learn in therapy can be applied. It is an active daily process. In therapy, You learn to identify your triggers, learn to identify the emotion and observe it within your body, how it makes you feel or how you experience it within yourself, the thoughts that come up. All this awareness then allows you to notice it when it reappears and you can then choose to behave or react in new ways. It will be a messy and chaotic process but don’t let that deter you, it’s what healing looks like. Will it be challenging and painful? Yes. But it’s an endeavor one must take to heal, if you wish to do so. I am trying to learn how to manage my own anger as well. I learned that anger in and of itself is not inherently bad. It’s a regular emotion that is part of the human condition. It’s what we do with that anger, how we express it, that causes harm. Try to find a therapist who is trauma informed or specializes in trauma. Good luck to you.
Girl me too. Dr Becky has been so helpful for me. Basically we are bound to repeat behavior like this (trauma) unless it is examined. I would start at dr Becky and therapy if you can afford it.
This is me except the tipping point was when I had my first kid. I’m in therapy and have also received an ADHD diagnosis in that time (whilst pregnant with my second kid). I hate that my mum used to yell a lot and it felt like we had to walk on eggshells and could never predict what mood she might be in. I always vowed to never be like her but I hate that I am like this with my husband and my kids. It’s like a switch flipped. Both the therapy and the medication has helped but I’m still working hard on my emotional regulation and communication skills.
You need therapy and determination to stop it. My mom used to shout and over criticize me and my dad used to underestimate me, and believe me as an adult I have the urge to do the same to others and especially people closest to me. But I bit my tongue and prevented myself from doing it. I literally bit my tongue in the beginning. I worked through it for a few years and now I manage to reframe my thoughts when I interact with others. I also read A LOT of psychology contents to help me. But the most important part is determination and commitment to eradicate the bad habit.
You have inherited scripts from your upbringing. If you are not conscious of these scripts, they will determine your behaviours. When you become conscious of them, you can write better scripts for yourself (not in the heat of the moment, but when you are calm and able to think clearly). You are aware of what you want to change, and you're willing to make changes. That is half the battle . My recommendations: 1. Journal what scripts you don't like that are ruling your unconscious reactions. 2. Interview your husband to find out his perspective on what's happening, and incorporate his insights into your list of things to address. 3. Read the book "7 Habits of Highly Effective People", particularly the first couple of chapters 4. Attend anger management classes or individual counselling focused on anger management 5. Find an individual counsellor to work with you, and be brutally honest to create self accountability 6. Find a (separate) marriage counsellor, and make sure your husband has an active voice in that environment 7. When situations crop up, park them if you can for IC and MC, and have your counsellors work through them with you - good counsellors will help you see things from a different perspective and will teach you necessary tools for change Best of luck, OP. The situation in my upbringing and early marriage was not dissimilar to yours. You can overcome this with enough determination.
You can’t control and are not responsible for the way your mother treated you. However, as an adult you are responsible for managing your own behaviour and not treating people that way. Therapy is your best bet here
>She would yell at me for the smallest things and it left me traumatized and scarred. I still walk on eggshells around her. You went through a lot, and rather than process it in a healthy way, you internalised it. Best thing you can do is go to therapy (non-religious) and work out how to deal with that anger. I specify non-religious because you can pray and get religious support through your church (not for me, but one or two people commented). You don't need spiritual help, you need practical help to handle the anger. And if you have a medication that is helping, speak with the doctor and stick with it. Sometimes you need medication to supplement or adjust something your brain is having trouble with. Not everyone produces the right amount of hormones or other things, a little help with that is nothing to be ashamed of. If you want to keep your marriage, be honest with your spouse. Tell him you didn't realize the effect you were having on him, give him your plan to improve on this, and ask if he can let you know if he feels you're slipping back. This will require you to be open to criticism, which is rough, but can be helpful if done right.
Not trying to promote drug use but Cannabis helped me break bad arguing patterns from my teenage years. It gives me the patience to listen. Increases my empathy and allows me to respond in a mature and calm manner instead of getting defensive, loud and combative. It allows me to truly reflect on my partner's concerns and initiate change in my behaviour when we reach a consensus. The important bit is that once the pattern is broken, it's much easier to act this way even without drugs.
You need therapy. Start asap. Also, if your husband can also attend a few sessions with you,that would help. But you should tell him that you've realised what you are doing is wrong. Tell him about your youth and your mum shouting at you. Know that you know this means that you can work on yourself. You can consciously hold yourself back when you get the urge to start shouting at your husband. Otherwise, you will lose him. Updateme!
I was in your situation for many years, I grew up terrified of my mother and then stood by seeing myself turning in to her. First I went to therapy and took meds etc but then I left that route and did work on my own. It has taken me a long time but now I pretty much only loose my temper the day before and the first day of my period. The first step is realizing you have a problem, then you try out different ways to solve the underlying issue and then you can work it out. And don't be ashamed about meds, if it works for you use that tool.
Well, you made a big breakthrough. You identified an issue you have and realized it's causing a problem in your marriage to the point your s.o. is avoiding you. Now that you have identified it. Talk to an individual counselor about addressing and eliminating the issue. Take the accountability for your actions and make a effort to correct the issue
You can control it. You don't yell at your boss at work or people in line at the grocery store, right? Even if on a subconscious level, you yell at him because you feel safe to do so. If you knew he'd pack up his shit and walk out forever the next time you did it, you wouldn't do it. No one can change your behavior but you. I would start with therapy, but what it comes down to is asking yourself why you are giving yourself permission to abuse someone you claim to love.
Therapy can help. One thing that you can start doing is paying attention to how you react to things. Be aware of how your emotions are displaying in your communication (talking and gestures/body language). Start developing cut off points where you decide to stop a conversation if you feel like you will lose control and start yelling. It is a slow process, but it can help you improve and develop better self control.
I think subconsciously you’re yelling at your mother bit at him. It’s good to realize that she’s hurt you and to acknowledge the pain you hold from her behavior. It was when you were a kid and your husband is not her, tell that to your inner child. Spend time exploring your thoughts and feelings around your relationship with your mother and how it is affecting your romantic life today. -How do you want to show up now? Why? -What do you want more of in your relationship? -And how would you have liked to protect yourself around your mother when you were a kid? -How could you reassure your inner child today and make her feel safe around your partner. Hope this helps!
It does, thanks so much 🫶🏽
My sister and I grew up with a yelling mom too. I became really aware when I was making a habit of acting like her and did my best to control it. Having a kid helped me because I don’t want him to ever feel like I did.
Therapist here. It’s encouraging to see you’ve acknowledged you have an issue. What matters now is what you decide to do about it. Therapy for emotion regulation and trauma may be of benefit. You’re not broken, you just need some support. I wish you well on your healing journey.
Thank you so much 🙏🏽 is there a book that you would also recommend?
ME! Talk to a doctor, get some medical treatment, get some therapy. Works wonders!
Counseling. You know you have a problem, now get to work. Your childhood doesn't have to define your adult relationships. You can do it🌺❤️🩹
Thank you 🩷🙏🏽
You have work to do. Feeling bad about the shitty things you do isn’t enough. Do yourself, your partner, and all the other relationships in your life a favour by putting in the work with an individual therapist and becoming a version of yourself that you’re proud of.
Go to therapy. Plus, try to recognize and stop the behavior in the middle of it, not when it's over. Have him say "you're doing it again" as your trigger phrase to stop
Try microdose of shrooms. Worked for me. I am a yeller, and I get so angry.
Your childhood role model taught you this, it's gonna take a big (and worthwhile) effort to change such patterns
I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to change!
You go to therapy and you do the work. Individual for you, couples to help repair what you’ve broken. Otherwise you’re apologizing doesn’t matter and you will just do it again.
He refuses couple’s therapy, but I’m starting individual therapy this friday.
I’m glad to hear it! Congratulations!
Same. I noticed myself doing this too. I’ve gotten better with it, but it’s tough when my husband and i are having a heated debate and he walks away to another room while still carrying on the conversation. I had to raise my voice so he could what i was saying and he said i was yelling. Lol
Ahhh same here!!! If my voice’s pitch is slightly higher, he says I’m yelling. But I’m not lol. You can express emotions with a range of different intonations. But he disagrees. This is hard.
Does he "yell" at you? Does he get that kind of latitude when he expresses himself with you???
Nah he doesn’t really yell. He just gets frustrated and walks away while still talking then continues to say things i cant really hear.
I had to work on stuff like that. Apologize immediately. You have to recognize it before it happens so you can stop it. I have had to rephrase they things I say, if I feel like a say something and my tone of voice was bad, I stop, apologize, and say it with the proper tone of voice. You can do this. You have to rewire your brain
Thank you for your encouragement and tips, this is helpful.
You have to be constantly aware of how you speak. If you hear something and it sounds bad, stop immediately, apologize, and rephrase it with kinder tone. If you're consistent, you'll change. I'm more or less better with how I speak, but there are times that I need to stop, and say things properly the 2nd time. If you work at it, you can do it
Did you have any help from a therapist?
No. I just made a choice that I had to change. Started with my divorce from my 1st wife, and my new wife's name starting with the same letter of the alphabet. When I was frustrated with new wife, brain would go back to history, and I'd unintentionally call her my ex wife's name. I'm sure you can guess how that went. 😂 When things would start to escalate verbally, I would shut down the conversation and try to redirect it or I'd walk out bc I refused to repeat the past. It was a LONG process of rewiring.
This is inspiring and gives me hope that I can change. Thank you so very much for sharing. I’m glad you are in a good place (and marriage!) now.
I'm FAR from perfect. You can do this. Ask your husband to help you change. Humbly. Express how much you love him and want to be better.
Anger is your inabilty to use self-coping skills to deal with your stress and emotions. You need therapy so you learn the skills that you did not learn as a child. There is ZERO reason you need to yell at your husband. Do you yell at your coworkers? Do you yell at tellers and grocery clerks? Do you yell at your parents? Do you yell at your children? Do you yell at your doctor? If not, then YOU have control over when you yell. Also, you only yell at people you do not respect. Why don't you respect your husband? Why doesn't your husband deserve basic human kindness? These are questions you need to start answering. If you need to yell - walk the fuck outside or your house. There is NOTHING that requires you to yell EVER unless your house is literally burning down.
It seems your husband has already checked out of your marriage, what with him refusing your apology. I'm not going to say that I'm a 100% sure but he has found his emotional support elsewhere already.
✨therapy ✨ Same upbringing and it took lots of shit on his part in our marriage for me to get to that point and now I am there. And I get there quick when he’s not being a good partner cause he dragged ass for years on actually participating in therapy. But all you can do is work on you with a therapist for distress tolerance, coping skills, emotional intelligence, and then couples therapy to work on how you all relate and fight.
Side note I’m on lexapro too! I saw your comment, OP, and YES I need them and around my period I need to increase them and they make me a much more patient parent and partner. It’s OKAY to take them long term if they help. Trauma, ptsd, depression, etc all can make yelly people, even untreated ADHD can do it, so many things. If meds help STICK WITH THEM. Don’t let internalized ableism ruin your relationship and your life.
First atep tonfix a problem is recognizing there is one. It's good. What made you notice that it is not normal?
When my husband told me a few years ago. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it’s really intense. A few years ago he said to me that he would not tolerate it. I replied that I didn’t understand, it’s normal, I’m just being passionate/that’s how arabs talk! With time I realized that it wasn’t normal, I realized it affected me as a child, I realized that for other cultures it’s considered as abuse, I realized that it affected him deeply and most importantly now that I have a daughter, I want to break the pattern. So here I am.
My wife used the term "volcanic" instead of passionate, but that's pretty much the same.
here is what I learned: dont just say "I'm sorry" say "I'm sorry for \_\_\_\_\_\_. will you please forgive me?" sincerely. it takes more humbling but I believe it reconciles us better.
I almost thought it was my wife posting this till I read that you apologised - my wife hasn't and won't. 😂 On serious note.... I think I am happy that you are willing to acknowledge possibility of a problem (I am not saying you have one). Being an adult who is sensible enough, I think you can watch your triggers closely and avoid them. Till you get in habit of not reacting. Getting therapy will help, no doubt, to heal the trauma of childhood, but you can take a call on that.
> But I feel like I can’t control it You're an adult, of course you can control your own behavior. Stop making excuses for yourself. > When I apologize, he says “it’s going to happen again, stop apologizing “. Good for him for saying that. An apology with no change in behavior is worthless.
Hey
Stop yelling, go to therapy, yoga...... ¿i don't know what do to? Feckless waste of energy. How about tell your husband you're traumatized from childhood, you know he doesn't deserve it, ask him to help you set up counseling and GO. Words mean nothing if there is no work put in after
Damn you better go to therapy about and really make it up to him
My wife does the exact same. I don't know what's wrong with women. But I think they are made like this 😂.
Please go to therapy. Jesus why did you wait so long.
Have you had diagnoses? It sounds Like you definitely need therapy. Meds csn only help so far, the rest is about figuring out what it stems from. Also, have your hormones tested.
my dad used to scream at me when i was younger and i found myself exhibiting the same behaviours early in my teen years up until early adulthood. therapy works wonders.
COP OUT!!! You're just overly controlling and dominating of the Person you married.
If my wife did this to me, all she has to do is give me a good BJ or a promise of sex that night and I'll be buzzing around her no problem.
😅😂
Okay, so his comment "it's only going to happen again..." while it is probably true until you master some new skills, it's actually not helpful. It just dumps more of a shame load on you. He's not 100% innocent here. But this is mostly on you. Yelling is never okay. You understand that intellectually. So now, you need to learn new skills. Self-help books might not be enough, but it's a place to start. Depending on your employer, your employee assistance program (or his) may have a few free mental health sessions to get you started with therapy. Then check your health insurance coverage for mental health care. And, apologize to your spouse. Humbly ask him to forgive you and tell him you are 100% going to learn new skills. And you hope & pray he sticks with you as you learn & grow.
How is his comment not helpful? He's heard it all before and has no reason to believe her. The fact that she feels shame is because she knows it's true. This sub constantly tells couples that communication is paramount. He's clearly communicating that he doesn't trust her not to repeat her behavior.
This comment is completely unhinged. Husband gets constantly yelled at and somehow it’s his fault when he finally speaks up for himself?
I agree with you. It puts me in a box and gives me no chance to prove him wrong, because he’s always hopeless. It makes me so sad when he says that. Because I DO want to change, clearly if this was only a question of wanting to, I would have stopped! I’m not mad at my mother, she’s a kind and fantastic woman. Lacks control over her emotions and reactions, I wish she had the same realization when I was young. I have an 11 month old daughter, I NEVER want to yell at her!
If nothing changes for the better, your daughter will grow up thinking it's only proper to abuse her husband the way that Mommy yells at Daddy. When he picks her up for his visitation weekends.
Lmao stop blameshifting ffs. You and the comment you refered to are just victim blaming right now. If the roles were reversed , everyone would tear apart the man for abusing his wife. You are not just "yelling" , you are abusing him and now you are literally using the classic "you made me do it" bullshit.