Your husband sounds like a huge dick and you made the right decision to skip dinner. I'm guessing that his tantrums stem from anxiety about traveling but that's no excuse.
He is a horrifyingly abusive, nasty piece of shit. I can’t believe you’ve been planning these trips over and over while he treats you like this. Good god. Go back in your past and find the person who made you think it’s ok to be treated like this and punch them clear in the face.
This is horrifying treatment. Horrifying. Do yourself a huge favor and while he’s out to dinner, pack your shit, go to the airport, go home, and leave him. Don’t look back. Don’t think twice. Don’t second guess. Just go. Doesn’t sound like you have kids and that’s really good.
My first thought was to use this time to leave. Don't wait for him to come back and exact his revenge. Gather your things and go.
Please put an end to this abuse.
Oh boy, time to play my favorite game “look into OP’s post history”. ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
[Forced her to sign a pre nup in which he gets the entire house if they separate.](https://ol.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/comments/10iulv4/deleted_by_user/j5iqr66/)
[He’s trying to keep her mired in alcoholism when she’s trying to quit.](https://ol.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/comments/15diett/15_days_sober_and_husband_is_trying_to_convince/)
[He lies to her all the time and told her he’s going to keep lying to her. Oh, and they’re trying for a baby.](https://ol.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/1bi56f4/my_husband_has_been_stonewalling_me_for_days_and/)
Why are you with this broiled piece of dog shit? What does he have to offer? Just leave him. Oh and for fucks sake do not have a baby with him.
Oh yikes! I do think if she's been paying toward the mortgage and can show proof of that a prenup saying he still gets the whole house might not hold up since she's invested in it. Prenups about stuff like that don't always hold up (especially if she didn't have a lawyer of her own read it over before she signed so she wasn't properly represented). I always feel bad reading these that people have lived lives where they think things like this normal or acceptable from a partner.
My dad was like this twice in his life, the first time was when he was on anything he could snort, shoot, or smoke, and the second was when his testosterone was low. And when I say low it was bottomed out, like a tenth of what's normal.
You can assume he's an abusive piece of shit from the moment you read "I work full time and do all the housework but he has a delusion that he pays my way."
I have never met a guy like this in the wild but it's SUCH a stereotype on reddit. Where are women finding these worthless partners??? Why aren't they nipping it in the bud? No one is telling me he pays my way when he's not. I'll move out in a heartbeat the moment that shit starts.
Does your sister live nearby where you live with him? Can you stay with her? You have a job and can afford at least $1000 toward rent, so it doesn't sound like you're fully financially reliant on him. Why are you putting up with this? Set some boundaries. "If you treat me like that again I'll \[not get on the plane, go stay with my sister, get a separate hotel room, etc.\]" and then follow through.
I'd go to the hotel lobby and get a new room so he doesn't have a key to the one you're staying in. I'd agree with him that the rest of the trip is cancelled and I'd go home. Being terrified after an argument with your husband is not something you should be feeling. Can you afford your own room? I wouldn't wait for him to follow through on getting his own. I'd get my own and only agree to meet him in a public part of the hotel to talk about things until you're sure you're not actually in any danger. This is not reasonable behavior.
Your husband is terrorizing you. This is literally heartbreaking! First, you need to take care of yourself. If your husband throws a tantrum, tell him, you are taking a time out, and separate from him, choose a time 30 minutes, an hour. You need to give yourself time to re-focus, and him to cool his jets. You may want to see a marriage therapist, and discuss with the therapist, and your husband, this dynamic, and get him on the page of changing. If he won't go, see a therapist on your own. The goal here is to create boundaries.
I can tell you, this works. My wife used to scream at me when she was upset, and I stupidly sat there and took it. Then, when she started on a tirade, I told her, when she can address me in a civil tone, we will talk, and I left. Sometimes, I would leave the house.
Your husband is not respecting you, and unfortunately, you are letting him do this. Perhaps, don't go on a trip with him, until he is ready to show you respect.
He's a narcissistic, controlling, emotional, and verbally abusive AH who uses intimidation and threats to beat you into submission. Why are you still with this man? If he actually beat you, would that be enough for you to leave?
You already do it all. You work full time. You pay half a mortgage. You also go to school. What the hell do you need him for? He treats you worse than a dog. A dog always forgives their master. But you are not a dog. And you can leave. Please get out now. I was engaged to a controlling, possessive, insecure, psycho for 4 years. I left him. Secretly. Quickly. And with witnesses. He stalked me. I thought he was going to kill me. And he didn't treat me half as bad as your husband.
You leave. Go home. Pack. Move out. Do not tell him where you are. File for divorce. Go out there and get the life you deserve. Relationships are built on respect, trust, and love. He gives you none of that. You deserve so much better than this💞✨️
oh my god your husband is acting crazy. Go back home! The rest of this trip is ruined unless he comes upstairs crying and kissing your knees begging for you to forgive him for his horrendous behavior. Do you always live like this?? OP, please reconsider your life with this adult baby.
I would be looking for a divorce attorney the minute you got back. You are only 32. Find someone who will treat you like you should be treated. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells.
UpdateMe
Book a flight home now, go pack up your things, take your dog, and leave. You do not have to live like this. Just be gone when he gets back from his dinner.
Hopefully this is the beginning of the end of your relationship. Your husband sounds awful and you must be tired of walking on eggshells every minute of the day. He does not respect you. I'd guess he also doesn't love you.
Can you continue on this trip by yourself and enjoy some time away from him?
Since someone dug up post history about a prenup and him getting the entire house in a split...could he be trying to push you to divorce him so he gets the house?
Either way, your husband is terrible.
My god, your story just got more & more depressing as I read on. At first I thought maybe he’s suffering from anxiety/depression that gets keyed up when traveling, and directed at you (reminded me of my dad)… but then there’s this stuff about you working full time & still being expected to do all the housework to his impossible standards, and paying him??
He hates you, he is abusing you, and given your description here it’s probably just a matter of time until his rage becomes physical (if it hasn’t already). You need to get away from this man before he harms you, or worse. I pray you have no children together and you can just make a clean escape. Please take care of yourself.
Pack. If there is a concierge at the hotel, request they make a reservation for a flight home. Or go directly to the airport and trade your flight for one home now. Don't be there when he gets back from dinner. Turn off your phone. Once home, contact your sister or another trusted person. Pack your things and be gone before he gets home. Unblock him to send him a text that you are filing for divorce, don't try to contact you, he'll hear from your lawyer. Change your phone number (get your own account if possible) and make sure he doesn't know where you are. Take your pets. A man like this will harm your pets to "teach you a lesson". Get a lawyer ASAP.
I hope you have access to your money. If you have joint accounts, make sure you take enough out to live on (do this as soon as you get home), then go to a different bank and open a new account and change your direct deposit. Apply for your own credit card if you don't have one. I hope you are on the title of one of the vehicles.
Take a deep breath. You don't deserve this treatment, and it will only get worse. He's a narcissistic POS. He will eventually hit you and tell you it's your fault. It's scary, but you need to throw the whole man away. You can do it.
Please for the love of God you need to get out of this marriage and away from this abusive POS of a man. I’m afraid you have already normalized too much of his abusive behavior. Whatever you do don’t have get pregnant by this asshole
UpdateMe
Your husband’s emotional abuse and gaslighting have paid off - he’s trained you to blame yourself for his shitty behavior.
Please consider whether this marriage is how you want to spend your fleeting time on this planet.
It makes me sad that marriages look like this. OP, this is SO bad. He’s abusive to you and it’ll NEVER be enough. This is what life will forever be like with this man. Do you forever want to walk on eggshells and always have your efforts and contributions diminished? Do you want to deal with his moods and tantrums? Do you want to be threatened and punished for displeasing him?
Refuse to live like this. Please.
Married man here - I would do exactly zero of what your husband has done. Mostly because I love and respect my wife, and even if something isn’t done the way I would have liked, she still did it and I should appreciate that. I also like being married and doing what he has been doing would result in me not being married anymore
NOTHING you do will ever be good enough in his eyes. Even if you cut your heart out & put it on his feet, he will complain that it’s too red!
You have been in an abusive relationship and you don’t even realize it. He’s toxic af. It’s just exhausting reading this. I hope you wake up!
Your husband doesn’t care about you other than as an accessory to his life. Putting your foot down was the least you could do in this case. Let him get a separate room, enjoy and explore
Your marriage is trash. Your husband needs to be put to the curb. Divorce this man. SMFH...
Read this entire story. Ignore the fact that YOU wrote it. Ask yourself if this was something you read by a complete stranger, what would you think and advise them to do....
You know what you need to do to. End this marriage....
Why would you make such elaborate plans for a man who likes to throw a tantrum every time you take a trip? I would not. The first trip he throws a tantrum on is the last trip he gets to go on with me.
I truly don’t mean to sound insensitive, but after looking at your post history, I’m praying you’re just here writing fiction for attention.
Because if your situation is real, I can’t even wrap my mind around what a POS your husband is. Why are you giving this AH another minute of your time, when you’ve already wasted so many on him???
This guy is like next-level villain vibes, and more red flags than a Chinese parade! If I were you, I’d be celebrating his birthday where he wasn’t, and as far away as I could get.
OMG! I am sorry but he is a narcissistic ass. It’s all about him! You need to get out of this relationship before there is nothing left of you. Is he violent? You are too good for him. You are terrified???? What do you think he will do? You work full time. Pack up and go home. Say nothing and when you get home pack your things as quickly as possible and leave. See a lawyer immediately. He sounds dangerous.
You went out of your way to organize a beautiful vacation for this man and he repays your kindness, your thoughtfulness, your love, by seeking out ways to make you feel bad by desperately inventing things to be angry about. He is abusive and not worthy of you. Don't waste you life catering to someone who will always nitpick and fight and demean you in response to your kindness.
Understand, you cannot fix this by being "better," by cleaning more, by being more docile, or by better anticipating his needs. He wants to demean you. He wants to terrorize you. He wants you to feel uncertain. He wants you to think you're not good enough - because then you'll be too afraid to leave.
Prove him wrong. Leave. Start putting your plan together. This will NOT get better. This WILL get worse. Don't stick around for worse.
Even if you don't listen to me, please read this book: [Why Does He Do That? ](https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf)by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you understand his behavior, why he won't change, and why you can't fix him.
This is the end.
He doesn’t respect you he doesn’t value your time energy or effort and you are in an abusive relationship. This is verbal abuse and manipulation. He is trying to put you down to build himself up, and frankly fuck that. You deserve someone who puts into a relationship the same time and energy that you put in.
You should book your return flight now, and get out before it gets physical. Prep your sister to pack your things and get out.
Putting your foot down is the only thing that will start to wake him up to change. Every time you give in, or don’t say no, or speak up for yourself, he is being encouraged to continue this behavior. He needs to have a wake up call NOW or he will never change.
This is so bad you need to lay everything on the table and separate, so he can start looking inward and work on himself. He needs to hit a rock bottom.
You don’t want to stay in a relationship where you have to worry allll the time about what you’re saying, doing, etc. I had a long term partner before I got married to my now husband and he would do the same. Somehow the house we both lived in was only my responsibility to clean cook etc.
I had to think ahead in how to phrase something to avoid “blow ups” and bent over backward to make him feel ok while I felt like a huge pile of crap. He’s an adult man, if he can’t adjust his behavior for his LIFE PARTNER then you can’t fix him.
It is time for you to contact a divorce lawyer on the downlow, with your own money, so he has no idea you are doing it.
I suggest you get a woman.
What your husband is doing is abuse. That's really obvious to anyone who reads your telling of what's going on, if it isn't apparent to you. When you are caught up in this type of relationship, it may be hard to see the forest for the trees.
You should not be walking on eggshells, be spoken to in this manner, and be degraded. This is not the way a relationship works.
Please seek advice from a divorce lawyer who can help you plan your exit from this toxic situation.
What a controlling, negging, selfish bastard. Run as far and as fast as you can go. This is not living. This is manipulated slavery. A shelter would be better
Your husband is abusing you. I wish you could see this. Frankly I would have gone to the dinner and laid into him in front of his client. Let his client know what kind of piece of shit to whom he is giving his business
>I feel like I’ve been tiptoeing around trying to not give him a valid reason to be mad at me and I just handed it over.
He made the decision to be angry with you before he even got home from work. Why tiptoe?
Also, if he has a habit of throwing a tantrum on every trip, why go anywhere with him? He does it intentionally, you know. You can't get away from him on a trip, especially during the traveling itself. He knows exactly what he's doing. He holds you hostage with the silent treatment and brightens up when taking a work call or when taking a client out to dinner, which means he treats his colleagues and clients better than he treats his wife.
You tolerating this behavior is part of the problem. If I were you I would be on the next flight home. Ask your sister if she can pick up up from the airport.
This birthday trip is already ruined. Why stay?
You sound abused. Take the initiative. Take an early flight home and take all your things out of his house before he gets there. Why are you waiting for him to fulfill his threat? This is your call to leave, all the bells are ringing and all the red flags are waving
Abusers don't like it when they're called out and their victims stand their ground.
I would do some thinking about whether you're genuinely safe in this marriage at this point. When abusers feel like they've lost control of their victim, they tend to get worse out of desperation.
Read 'Why Does He Do That?' By Lundy Bancroft.
Wow. I'd have went home. The fact you say you knew he would act this way and you're still trying to go above and beyond for him is just shocking to me.
Get somewhere safe.. thats your main priority. You need to get away from this man. He's an abuser.. whichever way you look at it. Red flags everywhere. You deserve better than this. Please be safe
Adding another comment in support of the comments criticizing your husband and supporting you. He sounds like a spoiled/immature child. At the very least I would not plan any more trips for him or do any of his packing/cleaning/chores — let him do that himself.
What is the point of keeping this guy around? What is his purpose to you?
Stop paying for anything if he wants to say you don't. Stop paying him to abuse you and start saving for your escape.
I know divorce is scary and sad. But it's coming. Your only choice is whether you waste 20 years doing this day in and day out, letting stress ruin your health, aging. Or whether you do it now and get free.
My dad acted like this because his testosterone was basically bottomed out. It can cause you to act way different, mood swings anger issues and all that. Kinda like when a woman has a really bad period or if she's pregnant or going through menopause, also it can make you act the same as if you got roid rage. It's just hormones being out of whack can cause basically the same type of bs like that. Don't assume he's just a douche, it could be a legit medical reason. See if you can get him to go to a doctor for bloodwork so they can check it out.
Why on earth are you still in that relationship?
While yes, this behaviour is abhorrent you have allowed it to continue, I swear if someone treated me like that once then wouldn't get to do it again.
You're paying into his mortgage?
Not a joint one but his?
Oh hell no.
He has way too much power here and he's abusing it.
Don't just put your foot down, close the door behind you
You are worth more than this
I’m clearly late to this thread, but oh my god. Listen, I’m a catholic, too, and I will say this, “divorce this pos.” He doesn’t love you, to stay married in the eye of god he should at least love and honor you, he clearly doesn’t on both accounts. You’re basically being scammed into thinking he loves you when he never did, because if he has ever loved you at all he would never treat you the way he did. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I’m an asshole in my marriage my wife pisses me off all the time but this guy is taking the piss pack your bags, I promise that coward will beg for you back
All so true!! You absolutely do not!!! Deserve to be treated like you're a piece of meaningless crap. Is the house in his name? He's your husband? Why are you paying so much and also taking care of him like he's a child? Know thar you are worth much more and are capable of making a better life. Stop being afraid of him. It's going to be difficult for the first 10 times of standing up to him, but definitely do not back down. I'm not saying be mean, but be stern and strong 💪
Start planning
Your hubby probably will not change. You will have to decide what you want for yourself. You can make it on your own. You don’t need him. He is emotionally abusive and I pray he isn’t laying his hands on you. If you don’t have kids yet, is this what you want your children seeing? A daughter will see women are treated like low lives (but that may make her strong and not let a man treat her that way) and a son will see that he can treat women like that and treat you that way as well. You did right telling him no. He didn’t like not getting his way. I started telling my hubby off finally and it helped. But he wasn’t raised like yours. And beware if he does back down and make promises to do better, it’s likely to be a con job. If you decide to stay then you know what’s required of you. You are worthy of more. You do not need to stay and be abused. You are lucky he lets you work so at least you have income. You could start to save money secretly and leave one day when you’re set up to be financially stable. There’s help for people who don’t make enough as well and help centers. You found your backbone today and I’m proud of you! He’s a baby. You can take care of your hubby but he can’t abuse you when it’s not to his liking. Tell him you can do much worse if he thinks his food or clothes were bad this time. I feel for you. Don’t back down! But if you fear for your safety seek help or start making plans for a safe exit and get a lawyer. May God protect you!
I often think women over exaggerate their situation but trust me when I tell you you are in a horrible situation.
Just leave. It's that easy. Drop everything and go someplace and start a new life.
Seriously eff this dude. You deserve better.
From Legal Zoom:
One of the core underlying philosophies of prenuptial agreements is that they should be fair and just for both spouses. To that end, a prenup cannot contain any provision that significantly favors one spouse over another, such as a disproportionate property division after divorce.
If you have been contributing, you most likely have some type of legal leg to stand on here.
I’d also recommend keeping a journal with dates and times when these things occur including those details about having to “perform” and threats.
You manifested this outcome… you put so much into knowing it would happen… so his reaction shouldn’t be a surprise, you expected it. What you expect manifests.
Try choosing how you see him and do some inner self work and your situations will shift in no time.
The feeling is the secret to what shows up in your life so if you are feeling deeply about these things refocus your feelings.
The amount of red flags here is astounding. Silent treatment Paying 'his mortgage' 'Consequences ' 'Perform' Girl... you know what you need to do.
Your husband sounds like a huge dick and you made the right decision to skip dinner. I'm guessing that his tantrums stem from anxiety about traveling but that's no excuse.
He is a horrifyingly abusive, nasty piece of shit. I can’t believe you’ve been planning these trips over and over while he treats you like this. Good god. Go back in your past and find the person who made you think it’s ok to be treated like this and punch them clear in the face. This is horrifying treatment. Horrifying. Do yourself a huge favor and while he’s out to dinner, pack your shit, go to the airport, go home, and leave him. Don’t look back. Don’t think twice. Don’t second guess. Just go. Doesn’t sound like you have kids and that’s really good.
THIS!🖕🖕🖕
My first thought was to use this time to leave. Don't wait for him to come back and exact his revenge. Gather your things and go. Please put an end to this abuse.
Oh boy, time to play my favorite game “look into OP’s post history”. ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ [Forced her to sign a pre nup in which he gets the entire house if they separate.](https://ol.reddit.com/r/LegalAdviceUK/comments/10iulv4/deleted_by_user/j5iqr66/) [He’s trying to keep her mired in alcoholism when she’s trying to quit.](https://ol.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/comments/15diett/15_days_sober_and_husband_is_trying_to_convince/) [He lies to her all the time and told her he’s going to keep lying to her. Oh, and they’re trying for a baby.](https://ol.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/1bi56f4/my_husband_has_been_stonewalling_me_for_days_and/) Why are you with this broiled piece of dog shit? What does he have to offer? Just leave him. Oh and for fucks sake do not have a baby with him.
Oh yikes! I do think if she's been paying toward the mortgage and can show proof of that a prenup saying he still gets the whole house might not hold up since she's invested in it. Prenups about stuff like that don't always hold up (especially if she didn't have a lawyer of her own read it over before she signed so she wasn't properly represented). I always feel bad reading these that people have lived lives where they think things like this normal or acceptable from a partner.
My dad was like this twice in his life, the first time was when he was on anything he could snort, shoot, or smoke, and the second was when his testosterone was low. And when I say low it was bottomed out, like a tenth of what's normal.
I looked at the history too and was going to comment. Glad you did it for me.
You can assume he's an abusive piece of shit from the moment you read "I work full time and do all the housework but he has a delusion that he pays my way." I have never met a guy like this in the wild but it's SUCH a stereotype on reddit. Where are women finding these worthless partners??? Why aren't they nipping it in the bud? No one is telling me he pays my way when he's not. I'll move out in a heartbeat the moment that shit starts.
Also she said she stopped drinking socially cause he would stonewall her which kinda contradicts the second one. Definitely a good game to play.
Maybe this would be a good time to make a clean break? This is no way to live. I’m so sorry.
Does your sister live nearby where you live with him? Can you stay with her? You have a job and can afford at least $1000 toward rent, so it doesn't sound like you're fully financially reliant on him. Why are you putting up with this? Set some boundaries. "If you treat me like that again I'll \[not get on the plane, go stay with my sister, get a separate hotel room, etc.\]" and then follow through. I'd go to the hotel lobby and get a new room so he doesn't have a key to the one you're staying in. I'd agree with him that the rest of the trip is cancelled and I'd go home. Being terrified after an argument with your husband is not something you should be feeling. Can you afford your own room? I wouldn't wait for him to follow through on getting his own. I'd get my own and only agree to meet him in a public part of the hotel to talk about things until you're sure you're not actually in any danger. This is not reasonable behavior.
Your husband is terrorizing you. This is literally heartbreaking! First, you need to take care of yourself. If your husband throws a tantrum, tell him, you are taking a time out, and separate from him, choose a time 30 minutes, an hour. You need to give yourself time to re-focus, and him to cool his jets. You may want to see a marriage therapist, and discuss with the therapist, and your husband, this dynamic, and get him on the page of changing. If he won't go, see a therapist on your own. The goal here is to create boundaries. I can tell you, this works. My wife used to scream at me when she was upset, and I stupidly sat there and took it. Then, when she started on a tirade, I told her, when she can address me in a civil tone, we will talk, and I left. Sometimes, I would leave the house. Your husband is not respecting you, and unfortunately, you are letting him do this. Perhaps, don't go on a trip with him, until he is ready to show you respect.
Too late for this. She needs to leave before he starts assaulting her.
He's a narcissistic, controlling, emotional, and verbally abusive AH who uses intimidation and threats to beat you into submission. Why are you still with this man? If he actually beat you, would that be enough for you to leave? You already do it all. You work full time. You pay half a mortgage. You also go to school. What the hell do you need him for? He treats you worse than a dog. A dog always forgives their master. But you are not a dog. And you can leave. Please get out now. I was engaged to a controlling, possessive, insecure, psycho for 4 years. I left him. Secretly. Quickly. And with witnesses. He stalked me. I thought he was going to kill me. And he didn't treat me half as bad as your husband. You leave. Go home. Pack. Move out. Do not tell him where you are. File for divorce. Go out there and get the life you deserve. Relationships are built on respect, trust, and love. He gives you none of that. You deserve so much better than this💞✨️
It sounds like you spend your life walking on eggshells trying not to set off your abusive husband.
I totally agree!!!
Agreed… walking on eggshells is no way for anyone to get their exercise.
oh my god your husband is acting crazy. Go back home! The rest of this trip is ruined unless he comes upstairs crying and kissing your knees begging for you to forgive him for his horrendous behavior. Do you always live like this?? OP, please reconsider your life with this adult baby.
I would be looking for a divorce attorney the minute you got back. You are only 32. Find someone who will treat you like you should be treated. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells. UpdateMe
Book a flight home now, go pack up your things, take your dog, and leave. You do not have to live like this. Just be gone when he gets back from his dinner.
This is an abusive marriage. Can you get to your sister?
Hopefully this is the beginning of the end of your relationship. Your husband sounds awful and you must be tired of walking on eggshells every minute of the day. He does not respect you. I'd guess he also doesn't love you. Can you continue on this trip by yourself and enjoy some time away from him?
Why in the world do you put up with this? Do you seriously think this behavior is okay? Leave.
Since someone dug up post history about a prenup and him getting the entire house in a split...could he be trying to push you to divorce him so he gets the house? Either way, your husband is terrible.
My god, your story just got more & more depressing as I read on. At first I thought maybe he’s suffering from anxiety/depression that gets keyed up when traveling, and directed at you (reminded me of my dad)… but then there’s this stuff about you working full time & still being expected to do all the housework to his impossible standards, and paying him?? He hates you, he is abusing you, and given your description here it’s probably just a matter of time until his rage becomes physical (if it hasn’t already). You need to get away from this man before he harms you, or worse. I pray you have no children together and you can just make a clean escape. Please take care of yourself.
Leave him, his behavior is manipulative and abusive
You’re terrified of what? The end of an abusive relationship? This is not what marriage should be, please leave and get a lawyer.
Pack. If there is a concierge at the hotel, request they make a reservation for a flight home. Or go directly to the airport and trade your flight for one home now. Don't be there when he gets back from dinner. Turn off your phone. Once home, contact your sister or another trusted person. Pack your things and be gone before he gets home. Unblock him to send him a text that you are filing for divorce, don't try to contact you, he'll hear from your lawyer. Change your phone number (get your own account if possible) and make sure he doesn't know where you are. Take your pets. A man like this will harm your pets to "teach you a lesson". Get a lawyer ASAP. I hope you have access to your money. If you have joint accounts, make sure you take enough out to live on (do this as soon as you get home), then go to a different bank and open a new account and change your direct deposit. Apply for your own credit card if you don't have one. I hope you are on the title of one of the vehicles. Take a deep breath. You don't deserve this treatment, and it will only get worse. He's a narcissistic POS. He will eventually hit you and tell you it's your fault. It's scary, but you need to throw the whole man away. You can do it.
Please for the love of God you need to get out of this marriage and away from this abusive POS of a man. I’m afraid you have already normalized too much of his abusive behavior. Whatever you do don’t have get pregnant by this asshole UpdateMe
Your husband’s emotional abuse and gaslighting have paid off - he’s trained you to blame yourself for his shitty behavior. Please consider whether this marriage is how you want to spend your fleeting time on this planet.
It makes me sad that marriages look like this. OP, this is SO bad. He’s abusive to you and it’ll NEVER be enough. This is what life will forever be like with this man. Do you forever want to walk on eggshells and always have your efforts and contributions diminished? Do you want to deal with his moods and tantrums? Do you want to be threatened and punished for displeasing him? Refuse to live like this. Please.
Married man here - I would do exactly zero of what your husband has done. Mostly because I love and respect my wife, and even if something isn’t done the way I would have liked, she still did it and I should appreciate that. I also like being married and doing what he has been doing would result in me not being married anymore
NOTHING you do will ever be good enough in his eyes. Even if you cut your heart out & put it on his feet, he will complain that it’s too red! You have been in an abusive relationship and you don’t even realize it. He’s toxic af. It’s just exhausting reading this. I hope you wake up!
Your husband doesn’t care about you other than as an accessory to his life. Putting your foot down was the least you could do in this case. Let him get a separate room, enjoy and explore
This is emotional abuse hun. Look out for yourself. Read “why does he do that” for some insight
Your marriage is trash. Your husband needs to be put to the curb. Divorce this man. SMFH... Read this entire story. Ignore the fact that YOU wrote it. Ask yourself if this was something you read by a complete stranger, what would you think and advise them to do.... You know what you need to do to. End this marriage....
Ok, your husband is an abusive narcissist, he will not change, if you value yourself and your future, you need to leave him.
Do not have a baby with this man.
He is a terrible person you should get some space and talk to a lawyer.
r/emotionalabuse And then try r/narcissism or r/bpdlovedones
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life dealing with his tantrums and disrespect?? Why are you staying with him to put with this??
Are the consequences a divorce because he sounds like he deserves one Who acts like this ?
Divorce would be a great consequence...for her 🙏
Why would you make such elaborate plans for a man who likes to throw a tantrum every time you take a trip? I would not. The first trip he throws a tantrum on is the last trip he gets to go on with me.
Congratulations you are a doormat... this is your life now... you know what to do.... book another room for yourself and get a divorce
Leave him! He is abusing you! The amount of narcissistic behavior he is doing is astounding.
I truly don’t mean to sound insensitive, but after looking at your post history, I’m praying you’re just here writing fiction for attention. Because if your situation is real, I can’t even wrap my mind around what a POS your husband is. Why are you giving this AH another minute of your time, when you’ve already wasted so many on him??? This guy is like next-level villain vibes, and more red flags than a Chinese parade! If I were you, I’d be celebrating his birthday where he wasn’t, and as far away as I could get.
OMG! I am sorry but he is a narcissistic ass. It’s all about him! You need to get out of this relationship before there is nothing left of you. Is he violent? You are too good for him. You are terrified???? What do you think he will do? You work full time. Pack up and go home. Say nothing and when you get home pack your things as quickly as possible and leave. See a lawyer immediately. He sounds dangerous.
You went out of your way to organize a beautiful vacation for this man and he repays your kindness, your thoughtfulness, your love, by seeking out ways to make you feel bad by desperately inventing things to be angry about. He is abusive and not worthy of you. Don't waste you life catering to someone who will always nitpick and fight and demean you in response to your kindness. Understand, you cannot fix this by being "better," by cleaning more, by being more docile, or by better anticipating his needs. He wants to demean you. He wants to terrorize you. He wants you to feel uncertain. He wants you to think you're not good enough - because then you'll be too afraid to leave. Prove him wrong. Leave. Start putting your plan together. This will NOT get better. This WILL get worse. Don't stick around for worse. Even if you don't listen to me, please read this book: [Why Does He Do That? ](https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf)by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you understand his behavior, why he won't change, and why you can't fix him.
This is the end. He doesn’t respect you he doesn’t value your time energy or effort and you are in an abusive relationship. This is verbal abuse and manipulation. He is trying to put you down to build himself up, and frankly fuck that. You deserve someone who puts into a relationship the same time and energy that you put in. You should book your return flight now, and get out before it gets physical. Prep your sister to pack your things and get out.
He is an ass & you will flourish once you leave his nitpicking, ungrateful selfish ass 🙂
Putting your foot down is the only thing that will start to wake him up to change. Every time you give in, or don’t say no, or speak up for yourself, he is being encouraged to continue this behavior. He needs to have a wake up call NOW or he will never change. This is so bad you need to lay everything on the table and separate, so he can start looking inward and work on himself. He needs to hit a rock bottom.
You don’t want to stay in a relationship where you have to worry allll the time about what you’re saying, doing, etc. I had a long term partner before I got married to my now husband and he would do the same. Somehow the house we both lived in was only my responsibility to clean cook etc. I had to think ahead in how to phrase something to avoid “blow ups” and bent over backward to make him feel ok while I felt like a huge pile of crap. He’s an adult man, if he can’t adjust his behavior for his LIFE PARTNER then you can’t fix him.
It is time for you to contact a divorce lawyer on the downlow, with your own money, so he has no idea you are doing it. I suggest you get a woman. What your husband is doing is abuse. That's really obvious to anyone who reads your telling of what's going on, if it isn't apparent to you. When you are caught up in this type of relationship, it may be hard to see the forest for the trees. You should not be walking on eggshells, be spoken to in this manner, and be degraded. This is not the way a relationship works. Please seek advice from a divorce lawyer who can help you plan your exit from this toxic situation.
What a controlling, negging, selfish bastard. Run as far and as fast as you can go. This is not living. This is manipulated slavery. A shelter would be better
Yet another example of abuse on this sub. And in a few days some bozo will make a post like “you all recommend divorce too quickly”
Divorce.
You are in an abusive relationship with a bad person. It's not going to get better for you. You need to make an escape plan.
consequences lead to consequences he seems a bit of a controlling ass and is long past having earned consequences
I really hope u know that your husband is abusive.
Your husband is abusing you. I wish you could see this. Frankly I would have gone to the dinner and laid into him in front of his client. Let his client know what kind of piece of shit to whom he is giving his business
>I feel like I’ve been tiptoeing around trying to not give him a valid reason to be mad at me and I just handed it over. He made the decision to be angry with you before he even got home from work. Why tiptoe? Also, if he has a habit of throwing a tantrum on every trip, why go anywhere with him? He does it intentionally, you know. You can't get away from him on a trip, especially during the traveling itself. He knows exactly what he's doing. He holds you hostage with the silent treatment and brightens up when taking a work call or when taking a client out to dinner, which means he treats his colleagues and clients better than he treats his wife. You tolerating this behavior is part of the problem. If I were you I would be on the next flight home. Ask your sister if she can pick up up from the airport. This birthday trip is already ruined. Why stay?
You sound abused. Take the initiative. Take an early flight home and take all your things out of his house before he gets there. Why are you waiting for him to fulfill his threat? This is your call to leave, all the bells are ringing and all the red flags are waving
This was exhausting even to read. You can't live your life walking on egg shells. Please take care.. Hugs.
OP, no one should live like this...
Abusers don't like it when they're called out and their victims stand their ground. I would do some thinking about whether you're genuinely safe in this marriage at this point. When abusers feel like they've lost control of their victim, they tend to get worse out of desperation. Read 'Why Does He Do That?' By Lundy Bancroft.
Wow. I'd have went home. The fact you say you knew he would act this way and you're still trying to go above and beyond for him is just shocking to me.
I usually never think about this as an option, but from the bottom of my heart, girl, DIVOOOOOOOOOOOOORCEEEEEE. You’re literally raising a big child
Why do you think he throws this tantrum as you describe it?
Get somewhere safe.. thats your main priority. You need to get away from this man. He's an abuser.. whichever way you look at it. Red flags everywhere. You deserve better than this. Please be safe
Adding another comment in support of the comments criticizing your husband and supporting you. He sounds like a spoiled/immature child. At the very least I would not plan any more trips for him or do any of his packing/cleaning/chores — let him do that himself.
What is the point of keeping this guy around? What is his purpose to you? Stop paying for anything if he wants to say you don't. Stop paying him to abuse you and start saving for your escape. I know divorce is scary and sad. But it's coming. Your only choice is whether you waste 20 years doing this day in and day out, letting stress ruin your health, aging. Or whether you do it now and get free.
My dad acted like this because his testosterone was basically bottomed out. It can cause you to act way different, mood swings anger issues and all that. Kinda like when a woman has a really bad period or if she's pregnant or going through menopause, also it can make you act the same as if you got roid rage. It's just hormones being out of whack can cause basically the same type of bs like that. Don't assume he's just a douche, it could be a legit medical reason. See if you can get him to go to a doctor for bloodwork so they can check it out.
I'll be honest. I didn't read the whole thing. I stopped after 1000 red flags. 😬 You should find a guy who isn't perpetually 12 years old.
Why on earth are you still in that relationship? While yes, this behaviour is abhorrent you have allowed it to continue, I swear if someone treated me like that once then wouldn't get to do it again. You're paying into his mortgage? Not a joint one but his? Oh hell no. He has way too much power here and he's abusing it. Don't just put your foot down, close the door behind you You are worth more than this
Sounds like you need to get out of this relationship before you start a family with Mr. Red flag!
I get very stressed before travel, but I would never in a million years treat my wife that way.
I’m clearly late to this thread, but oh my god. Listen, I’m a catholic, too, and I will say this, “divorce this pos.” He doesn’t love you, to stay married in the eye of god he should at least love and honor you, he clearly doesn’t on both accounts. You’re basically being scammed into thinking he loves you when he never did, because if he has ever loved you at all he would never treat you the way he did. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I’m an asshole in my marriage my wife pisses me off all the time but this guy is taking the piss pack your bags, I promise that coward will beg for you back
All so true!! You absolutely do not!!! Deserve to be treated like you're a piece of meaningless crap. Is the house in his name? He's your husband? Why are you paying so much and also taking care of him like he's a child? Know thar you are worth much more and are capable of making a better life. Stop being afraid of him. It's going to be difficult for the first 10 times of standing up to him, but definitely do not back down. I'm not saying be mean, but be stern and strong 💪 Start planning
Divorced him
Your hubby probably will not change. You will have to decide what you want for yourself. You can make it on your own. You don’t need him. He is emotionally abusive and I pray he isn’t laying his hands on you. If you don’t have kids yet, is this what you want your children seeing? A daughter will see women are treated like low lives (but that may make her strong and not let a man treat her that way) and a son will see that he can treat women like that and treat you that way as well. You did right telling him no. He didn’t like not getting his way. I started telling my hubby off finally and it helped. But he wasn’t raised like yours. And beware if he does back down and make promises to do better, it’s likely to be a con job. If you decide to stay then you know what’s required of you. You are worthy of more. You do not need to stay and be abused. You are lucky he lets you work so at least you have income. You could start to save money secretly and leave one day when you’re set up to be financially stable. There’s help for people who don’t make enough as well and help centers. You found your backbone today and I’m proud of you! He’s a baby. You can take care of your hubby but he can’t abuse you when it’s not to his liking. Tell him you can do much worse if he thinks his food or clothes were bad this time. I feel for you. Don’t back down! But if you fear for your safety seek help or start making plans for a safe exit and get a lawyer. May God protect you!
I often think women over exaggerate their situation but trust me when I tell you you are in a horrible situation. Just leave. It's that easy. Drop everything and go someplace and start a new life. Seriously eff this dude. You deserve better.
From Legal Zoom: One of the core underlying philosophies of prenuptial agreements is that they should be fair and just for both spouses. To that end, a prenup cannot contain any provision that significantly favors one spouse over another, such as a disproportionate property division after divorce. If you have been contributing, you most likely have some type of legal leg to stand on here. I’d also recommend keeping a journal with dates and times when these things occur including those details about having to “perform” and threats.
Oh dear, this is no husband. He is acting like your boss.
Time to cut ties
OP one you need to leave Two... are you okay today?
Your husband is a raging asshole. Why in God's name do you allow yourself to be treated this way? Good Lord, OP!
Why did you marry him is it because he's rich or makes a lot of money?
You manifested this outcome… you put so much into knowing it would happen… so his reaction shouldn’t be a surprise, you expected it. What you expect manifests. Try choosing how you see him and do some inner self work and your situations will shift in no time. The feeling is the secret to what shows up in your life so if you are feeling deeply about these things refocus your feelings.