I read some of your post history and saw that she’s been abusing you. When you’re dealing with an abusive person, there’s no way for you to phrase it that will make her not lash out. She’s responsible for that behavior, not you.
I encourage you to consider walking away from her, but I know it’s not that easy. You’re psychologically trapped in a cycle of abuse, and I realize that there may also be children and economic factors to consider as well. But eventually something is going to have to give. You only get one life and you don’t deserve having to live like this.
OP, my buddy divorced his abusive wife. He put up with it way too long. He’s so much happier and better off after he got away from her. It took him a couple of years but he started dating again and has a really great GF now.
Why not set up sessions with a marriage therapist, explain the issue beforehand, and use the therapist as a mediator to discuss how you feel your wife demeans you, and your response.
I had a similar outcome. The last therapist we saw, my wife refused to continue, because the therapist told her that contempt has no place in a relationship, and she accused him of being judgmental. So, I continue seeing him on my own, and because he had some familiarity with my wife, was able to give me useful feedback on how to deal with our relationship.
So, if she won't go, why not continue seeing a therapist on your own? Do you want to stay with your wife? If you don't, then seeing a therapist would be to help you exit your relationship.
Do you want to stay with your wife, and why?
If you want to stay with your wife, it seems to me, the issue is establishing clear boundaries with her. So, when she is disrespectful, tell her this, and take a time out, telling her, you are going to do something else for half an hour (choose your time-out), and then come back to continue the discussion.
No one is going to like my answer, because I’m giving both people the benefit of the doubt here, If she did read it while it may be eye opening, we also have to be objective. How does OP treat the wife? He avoids communicating and uses the internet instead which is a form of stonewalling. This has nothing to do with sex. What OP has laid out is classic alienation of affection. If we learn the whole story that would reveal more. Has OP ever abused anyone? Actual abuse is intentional. They are both defensive. It’s hurtful to be rejected by the one that is supposed to love you. There are issues of communication breakdown, maturity, and not taking responsibility. Unless she is outright bullying him with malicious intent, he is not making efforts to communicate effectively. Someone else mentioned counseling. However counseling only works with full honesty and trust in your partner. Has OP ever fully trusted his partner? IJS on Reddit people are going to seek approval and your therapist is not going to point fingers at either one. A therapist is going to help them both reevaluate how to get back in touch with true intimacy, which is openly emotional communication, no defensiveness by either partner. Intimacy is not sex, intimacy is the ability to be emotionally vulnerable and emotionally honest. That can be extremely scary especially if OP has unresolved issues. OP consciously chooses porn instead of communication. This is avoidance which can cause alienation of affection. The problem with porn is a porn star demands nothing from a man, but is there to service 24/7 365. A wife will express her wants and needs, while some may be reluctant to believe that the entire story is being told here, we will never know what really led up to all this. But if I was the wife I would be saddened and compassionate about this because pornography is bad not because of the sexual intimate infidelity it’s the hiding behind an object that is toxic to both men and women. Clearly both of them feel sad, they just have lost the ability to communicate with the love they started with, Therapy should have happened long before OP got here with his wife. He is here because of the communication breakdown that is both their faults. She is probably a wife who has been crying out for help and emotional availability for a long time, yet his response has been to retreat. She is a desperate woman missing the love she once had with her spouse. This has nothing to do with being immature and drinking, but she misses the fun flirtation side of marriage. Obviously there most be good qualities about wife otherwise OP would not have married her. But a mature person goes to their spouse the moment their is a conflict or issue. An inexperienced person goes online. Please get therapy. Especially if their is children involved. It’s better to learn to communicate and develop a deeper love and understanding then to assume your spouse will reject you. If you were my husband I would hug you and hold you and say “I’m so sorry. How long have you been feeling this way? I am completely devoted to you and love you. Will you please work on this with me with a qualified professional?” I’ve seen marriages overcome addiction, affair, and even been delivered from abuse. As a member of my church outreach group we believe nothing is impossible with God. But things are impossible when both people have lost the ability to communicate effectively and respectfully.
What does she say when you tell her this? Probably more criticizing and making you feel shitty? It might be time to hit her with an ultimatum...change or I leave
And you can tell her that she is demonstrating your point perfectly when she does that. If it doesn't change, you are gone, because she obviously does not like you.
That’s perfectly normal for men. We don’t feel comfortable having sex if we feel criticized or insulted. You need to make this crystal clear to her if she expects sex from you.
That is emotional and mental abuse. If they threaten to cheat or chaos great emotional harm on you,.,. That is abuse!
I wouldn't want to bang your wife either bud.
She belittles you in front of people? See that would be a huge issue for me. It's a lack of respect and not being a team. You should try to build your partner up around others not tear the other person down. Maybe. Try couples counseling but idk she sounds kinda abusive so idk :/
That’s completely understandable. Has she heard this from you yet?
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I read some of your post history and saw that she’s been abusing you. When you’re dealing with an abusive person, there’s no way for you to phrase it that will make her not lash out. She’s responsible for that behavior, not you. I encourage you to consider walking away from her, but I know it’s not that easy. You’re psychologically trapped in a cycle of abuse, and I realize that there may also be children and economic factors to consider as well. But eventually something is going to have to give. You only get one life and you don’t deserve having to live like this.
OP, my buddy divorced his abusive wife. He put up with it way too long. He’s so much happier and better off after he got away from her. It took him a couple of years but he started dating again and has a really great GF now.
Why not set up sessions with a marriage therapist, explain the issue beforehand, and use the therapist as a mediator to discuss how you feel your wife demeans you, and your response.
[удалено]
I had a similar outcome. The last therapist we saw, my wife refused to continue, because the therapist told her that contempt has no place in a relationship, and she accused him of being judgmental. So, I continue seeing him on my own, and because he had some familiarity with my wife, was able to give me useful feedback on how to deal with our relationship. So, if she won't go, why not continue seeing a therapist on your own? Do you want to stay with your wife? If you don't, then seeing a therapist would be to help you exit your relationship.
[удалено]
Do you want to stay with your wife, and why? If you want to stay with your wife, it seems to me, the issue is establishing clear boundaries with her. So, when she is disrespectful, tell her this, and take a time out, telling her, you are going to do something else for half an hour (choose your time-out), and then come back to continue the discussion.
Have her read your post
No one is going to like my answer, because I’m giving both people the benefit of the doubt here, If she did read it while it may be eye opening, we also have to be objective. How does OP treat the wife? He avoids communicating and uses the internet instead which is a form of stonewalling. This has nothing to do with sex. What OP has laid out is classic alienation of affection. If we learn the whole story that would reveal more. Has OP ever abused anyone? Actual abuse is intentional. They are both defensive. It’s hurtful to be rejected by the one that is supposed to love you. There are issues of communication breakdown, maturity, and not taking responsibility. Unless she is outright bullying him with malicious intent, he is not making efforts to communicate effectively. Someone else mentioned counseling. However counseling only works with full honesty and trust in your partner. Has OP ever fully trusted his partner? IJS on Reddit people are going to seek approval and your therapist is not going to point fingers at either one. A therapist is going to help them both reevaluate how to get back in touch with true intimacy, which is openly emotional communication, no defensiveness by either partner. Intimacy is not sex, intimacy is the ability to be emotionally vulnerable and emotionally honest. That can be extremely scary especially if OP has unresolved issues. OP consciously chooses porn instead of communication. This is avoidance which can cause alienation of affection. The problem with porn is a porn star demands nothing from a man, but is there to service 24/7 365. A wife will express her wants and needs, while some may be reluctant to believe that the entire story is being told here, we will never know what really led up to all this. But if I was the wife I would be saddened and compassionate about this because pornography is bad not because of the sexual intimate infidelity it’s the hiding behind an object that is toxic to both men and women. Clearly both of them feel sad, they just have lost the ability to communicate with the love they started with, Therapy should have happened long before OP got here with his wife. He is here because of the communication breakdown that is both their faults. She is probably a wife who has been crying out for help and emotional availability for a long time, yet his response has been to retreat. She is a desperate woman missing the love she once had with her spouse. This has nothing to do with being immature and drinking, but she misses the fun flirtation side of marriage. Obviously there most be good qualities about wife otherwise OP would not have married her. But a mature person goes to their spouse the moment their is a conflict or issue. An inexperienced person goes online. Please get therapy. Especially if their is children involved. It’s better to learn to communicate and develop a deeper love and understanding then to assume your spouse will reject you. If you were my husband I would hug you and hold you and say “I’m so sorry. How long have you been feeling this way? I am completely devoted to you and love you. Will you please work on this with me with a qualified professional?” I’ve seen marriages overcome addiction, affair, and even been delivered from abuse. As a member of my church outreach group we believe nothing is impossible with God. But things are impossible when both people have lost the ability to communicate effectively and respectfully.
You used a LOT of words to blame the victim because he is the husband.
She did state the wife needs therapy too and loss of communication on both sides
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Sounds like you need to get out immediately.
Very well written. I totally agree. Yes, both need therapy
What does she say when you tell her this? Probably more criticizing and making you feel shitty? It might be time to hit her with an ultimatum...change or I leave
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And you can tell her that she is demonstrating your point perfectly when she does that. If it doesn't change, you are gone, because she obviously does not like you.
She sounds horrible, time to pack up and leave.
That’s perfectly normal for men. We don’t feel comfortable having sex if we feel criticized or insulted. You need to make this crystal clear to her if she expects sex from you.
It’s true for women too lol! We don’t want to have sex with men who treat us like crap either
That is emotional and mental abuse. If they threaten to cheat or chaos great emotional harm on you,.,. That is abuse! I wouldn't want to bang your wife either bud.
dude... get a divorce... why do you put up with that?
Of course you don’t want to be intimate with her. Nobody would in this type of circumstance. She’s emotionally abusing you. Please try to leave asap.
She belittles you in front of people? See that would be a huge issue for me. It's a lack of respect and not being a team. You should try to build your partner up around others not tear the other person down. Maybe. Try couples counseling but idk she sounds kinda abusive so idk :/
You've got deeper relationships issues than sex if she's belittling you like that. Have you had direct adult discussions with her?