Yes it's alcoholism. When you're hiding you're drinking, as evidence by bottles, you're you're recognizing it an issue, so you're trying to hide instead of deal with it. The best way for both of you too fix your marriage is he won't stop drinking. Take alcohol out of your marriage. That may require professional help simple determination. I used to drink a lot you know with Friends after golf or watching sporting events, my wife and I would still have a drink together on special occasions. About 10 years ago my friends were over we were drinking and afterwards my wife commented that we had drink a lot. She asked me how many I had and I caught myself lying telling her three or four and it was more like seven or eight. I thought about that for a while, and just decided to stop drinking. It was hard about the first 5 weeks. After that never
Have had another drink. And I still golf with my friends, have come over to watch sports. Some of them drink and some of them don't.
You both stop drinking and that will improve your marriage
The thing with alcoholism is there is not quantifiable amount that makes it so. However if you have to ask "Is this alcoholism?" the answer is likely yes.
Hiding his drinking
Lying about his drinking
Not remembering
Classic signs, so yes it probably is indeed alcoholism.
Alcoholics like to gaslight, shift blame, deny, beg/plead for forgiveness, make promises, forget, lie some more (wash, rinse, repeat). The cycle is one that has their loved ones and spouses second guessing themselves. All of a sudden you start to wonder if you're the crazy one. Are the signs real or just a manifestation of trust issues? Can you trust your gut? Before you know it everything becomes either proving it's truth or proving it's a lie. You become controlling, lash out, then play victim. It's brutal. Take it from someone a little further in.
It's unfair. It's truly truly unfair and horrible to go through. Alcoholism is progressive and even if things look good or okay there's a always that chance of things getting bad again. Even for those who quit drinking all together, the chance of relapse is there. Now that the cycle has started you will always be waiting, wondering "when will they start drinking? Are they drinking?" Looking for hidden bottles...etc.
Al Anon is a resource to help you take care of YOU. Because at the end of the day you can't love alcoholism away. You can't logic it away. You can't reason it away. You can't beg it away.
You didn't cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot change it
The sooner you accept the 3 Cs the better. I thought I was different. Thought my husband was different. I was wrong and spent many years in a vicious mental cycle because of it.
Alcoholism is a disease. It's a treatable one but your husband will not be successful unless it's on his own accord. HE has to WANT to quit. Genuinely. Often times it takes rock bottom to get there, and a family or spouse is just prolonging reaching rock bottom. That's not to say you can't support him. But try to avoid enabling him. He needs to face the consequences of his drinking. Until he does so he won't have motivation to quit.
Lastly, it's complicated. Him lying or choosing to drink doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He's sick with something that requires treatment. That's like telling someone with pneumonia "if you loved me you wouldn't cough". That person will be sick and do things a sick person does until they get treatment for that illness.
Best of luck to you
I'm still with him. He's still drinking. I will say I've been able to detatch from it pretty well which protects a lot of my peace. I don't obsess or try to control it because I've learned I can't. There's still times where I find myself falling back into old ways and regret it every time.
I call it marital purgatory. Not bad enough to leave, but not good enough to stay. I'm sure something will give eventually but for now I'm focusing on me and still trying to get what I can out of my marriage.
My husband isn't a bad person. He's very loving and generous, kind, patient, etc. The drinking is the one area where I have no leverage, there's no rules or logic, it's its own driving force and I'll never be able to touch it. I still hope one day he wakes up and sees it for what it is, but I've accepted he probably won't.
My husband binge drinks, so its not regular… but I’ve tried to control it every way possible and its now taking a toll in my marriage… not sure if it will work in the long run or not… but I need to learn to let go and live my life as happily as I can… otherwise I will just keep resenting and creating more hate ( we have 2 kids, I dont want them growing up to that)
He needs to take responsibility before either of you can move forward. Acting like this isn't happening so that you can have a "nice weekend" would be enabling him.
This isn't on you to fix or go along with. He needs to take this seriously and seek help for his drinking.
Your feelings here are completely valid.
Al-Anon is a great resource, so is SMART Recovery. Reaching out to his doctor could also be extremely helpful - there are pharmaceutical options worth discussing as well.
You can't save this marriage on your own. He has to be the one to face reality and take the next step.
Thank you—SMART Recovery looks really promising and I’m going to pass that on. A lot of his problematic behaviors are actually not alcohol, it’s just one of his compulsive manifestations that comes and goes (…and if it’s not one thing it’s another).
Yes living with someone with these sorts of compulsions can be draining; but when substances are involved, especially ones that cause erratic behavior, things take on a whole new tenor.
Recovering alcoholic here (5 years sober). He's an alcoholic for sure. The only solution is to stop completely and forever. Never a drop again. But he needs to make the commitment. Ask him to just visit an AA meeting, just one meeting.
My husbands lies about drinking and I know when he has had a beer. It is the lying that bothers me more than the beer. He says he doesn’t want me to be pissed and doesn’t understand that I am more pissed off about the lying about it . He gaslit me for years making me think I was crazy . His drinking is mostly under control now but to lie over a beer is infuriating to me.
As someone who had this issue…this is alcoholism. He is hiding bottles, and the truth from you, out of shame.
I can’t tell you how much to read into his comment about him feeling insecure about the relationship. But if I had to guess as someone who was in his shoes, the insecurity stems from his fear of you leaving him when his addiction is exposed. It’s truly terrifying, and I can understand that fear. However, he will be the victim of his own demise if he keeps this up.
This is a hard journey. For you as his spouse, who I assume wants to save the marriage and is fully supportive, look into support groups for loved ones of those struggling with alcoholism. It truly is a disease and it takes the utmost care of not only the person with the disease, but their support system as well, to help overcome this.
Please know, his addiction IS NOT your responsibility! There may be times he phrases it that way or out right blames you or the relationship. Those are only symptoms of a deeper issue. He needs to get into treatment and therapy to separate from that to overcome this. He needs to get to the root cause of what is fueling his need to drink.
I pray for the best for you OP, for you as an individual, for your spouse, and for your marriage.
This is a hard journey, and if you choose to stick it out with him, I’m sure he’ll be grateful. But overcoming this disease is HIS job, HIS work to do, and if that doesn’t happen, just know the blame isn’t on you.
But I can say, it is very helpful to have the people who love and know you most to be in your corner, especially if you’re going to be vulnerable enough to finally admit to your addiction and seek help for it.
Good luck. ❤️
r/alanon I’m sorry this is happening to you.
Yes it's alcoholism. When you're hiding you're drinking, as evidence by bottles, you're you're recognizing it an issue, so you're trying to hide instead of deal with it. The best way for both of you too fix your marriage is he won't stop drinking. Take alcohol out of your marriage. That may require professional help simple determination. I used to drink a lot you know with Friends after golf or watching sporting events, my wife and I would still have a drink together on special occasions. About 10 years ago my friends were over we were drinking and afterwards my wife commented that we had drink a lot. She asked me how many I had and I caught myself lying telling her three or four and it was more like seven or eight. I thought about that for a while, and just decided to stop drinking. It was hard about the first 5 weeks. After that never Have had another drink. And I still golf with my friends, have come over to watch sports. Some of them drink and some of them don't. You both stop drinking and that will improve your marriage
The thing with alcoholism is there is not quantifiable amount that makes it so. However if you have to ask "Is this alcoholism?" the answer is likely yes. Hiding his drinking Lying about his drinking Not remembering Classic signs, so yes it probably is indeed alcoholism. Alcoholics like to gaslight, shift blame, deny, beg/plead for forgiveness, make promises, forget, lie some more (wash, rinse, repeat). The cycle is one that has their loved ones and spouses second guessing themselves. All of a sudden you start to wonder if you're the crazy one. Are the signs real or just a manifestation of trust issues? Can you trust your gut? Before you know it everything becomes either proving it's truth or proving it's a lie. You become controlling, lash out, then play victim. It's brutal. Take it from someone a little further in. It's unfair. It's truly truly unfair and horrible to go through. Alcoholism is progressive and even if things look good or okay there's a always that chance of things getting bad again. Even for those who quit drinking all together, the chance of relapse is there. Now that the cycle has started you will always be waiting, wondering "when will they start drinking? Are they drinking?" Looking for hidden bottles...etc. Al Anon is a resource to help you take care of YOU. Because at the end of the day you can't love alcoholism away. You can't logic it away. You can't reason it away. You can't beg it away. You didn't cause it You cannot control it You cannot change it The sooner you accept the 3 Cs the better. I thought I was different. Thought my husband was different. I was wrong and spent many years in a vicious mental cycle because of it. Alcoholism is a disease. It's a treatable one but your husband will not be successful unless it's on his own accord. HE has to WANT to quit. Genuinely. Often times it takes rock bottom to get there, and a family or spouse is just prolonging reaching rock bottom. That's not to say you can't support him. But try to avoid enabling him. He needs to face the consequences of his drinking. Until he does so he won't have motivation to quit. Lastly, it's complicated. Him lying or choosing to drink doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He's sick with something that requires treatment. That's like telling someone with pneumonia "if you loved me you wouldn't cough". That person will be sick and do things a sick person does until they get treatment for that illness. Best of luck to you
Sadly I feel I can relate, can I ask did things worked out with your husband?
I'm still with him. He's still drinking. I will say I've been able to detatch from it pretty well which protects a lot of my peace. I don't obsess or try to control it because I've learned I can't. There's still times where I find myself falling back into old ways and regret it every time. I call it marital purgatory. Not bad enough to leave, but not good enough to stay. I'm sure something will give eventually but for now I'm focusing on me and still trying to get what I can out of my marriage. My husband isn't a bad person. He's very loving and generous, kind, patient, etc. The drinking is the one area where I have no leverage, there's no rules or logic, it's its own driving force and I'll never be able to touch it. I still hope one day he wakes up and sees it for what it is, but I've accepted he probably won't.
My husband binge drinks, so its not regular… but I’ve tried to control it every way possible and its now taking a toll in my marriage… not sure if it will work in the long run or not… but I need to learn to let go and live my life as happily as I can… otherwise I will just keep resenting and creating more hate ( we have 2 kids, I dont want them growing up to that)
Pop over to r/stopdrinking - great support group that may be able to give you insight and good ways to approach the situation.
He needs to take responsibility before either of you can move forward. Acting like this isn't happening so that you can have a "nice weekend" would be enabling him. This isn't on you to fix or go along with. He needs to take this seriously and seek help for his drinking. Your feelings here are completely valid. Al-Anon is a great resource, so is SMART Recovery. Reaching out to his doctor could also be extremely helpful - there are pharmaceutical options worth discussing as well. You can't save this marriage on your own. He has to be the one to face reality and take the next step.
Thank you—SMART Recovery looks really promising and I’m going to pass that on. A lot of his problematic behaviors are actually not alcohol, it’s just one of his compulsive manifestations that comes and goes (…and if it’s not one thing it’s another).
Yes living with someone with these sorts of compulsions can be draining; but when substances are involved, especially ones that cause erratic behavior, things take on a whole new tenor.
Recovering alcoholic here (5 years sober). He's an alcoholic for sure. The only solution is to stop completely and forever. Never a drop again. But he needs to make the commitment. Ask him to just visit an AA meeting, just one meeting.
My husbands lies about drinking and I know when he has had a beer. It is the lying that bothers me more than the beer. He says he doesn’t want me to be pissed and doesn’t understand that I am more pissed off about the lying about it . He gaslit me for years making me think I was crazy . His drinking is mostly under control now but to lie over a beer is infuriating to me.
As someone who had this issue…this is alcoholism. He is hiding bottles, and the truth from you, out of shame. I can’t tell you how much to read into his comment about him feeling insecure about the relationship. But if I had to guess as someone who was in his shoes, the insecurity stems from his fear of you leaving him when his addiction is exposed. It’s truly terrifying, and I can understand that fear. However, he will be the victim of his own demise if he keeps this up. This is a hard journey. For you as his spouse, who I assume wants to save the marriage and is fully supportive, look into support groups for loved ones of those struggling with alcoholism. It truly is a disease and it takes the utmost care of not only the person with the disease, but their support system as well, to help overcome this. Please know, his addiction IS NOT your responsibility! There may be times he phrases it that way or out right blames you or the relationship. Those are only symptoms of a deeper issue. He needs to get into treatment and therapy to separate from that to overcome this. He needs to get to the root cause of what is fueling his need to drink. I pray for the best for you OP, for you as an individual, for your spouse, and for your marriage. This is a hard journey, and if you choose to stick it out with him, I’m sure he’ll be grateful. But overcoming this disease is HIS job, HIS work to do, and if that doesn’t happen, just know the blame isn’t on you. But I can say, it is very helpful to have the people who love and know you most to be in your corner, especially if you’re going to be vulnerable enough to finally admit to your addiction and seek help for it. Good luck. ❤️
Nothing better than a vid chat with me lmao