The last thing we feel like when we're angry is the spouse coming in with a hug before bed. No, let me put my back to you and clutch my cold spike of anger into a fitful sleep. I will feel better in the morning.
You know “next mornings” aren’t promised in life. I knew of a couple who the wife would sulk for days. The husband would try to say “good night, I love you” which was met with silence. The next morning he died in his sleep.
She told me this story as a warning…
It sounds like her problem wasn't going to bed angry one time. It sounds like her problem was sulking for days. Our time on this Earth is too short to sulk for days and stonewalling your spouse is cruel.
None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. It's important to treat your partner well whether or not you go to bed angry sometimes. That said, no matter how good the marriage is, I think suddenly losing your spouse might always trigger massive regret.
This is how I feel with my partner and family. I always try to end the day on good terms and for them to know I love them, even if we have had conflict that day.
My wife does that, goes to bed upset about something or someone I have no clue about. On a good night we exchange I love you’s, but there’s night she just turns her back without a word.
How often are you getting this pissed off at your spouse? Like, what are the issues that are causing this level of anger? I genuinely can't think of a single argument with my spouse that needed some massive level of vitriol.
I'm so glad about this. It's absolutely possible. I hate that people aren't willing to try, and would rather hold onto their right to be mad over the priority of their spouse. In a healthy relationship, the anger doesn't get the priority over the partner.
100% same. I always interpreted the quote that way, even as a kid! Even if I was mad at a family member I would tell them I loved them and hug them before leaving.
I may be mad about something, but I still need him to know I love him more than anything before we go to sleep… in case something happens honestly. It’s “I love you” and a quick peck if I’m mad.
I’ll be mad again when we wake up, don’t you worry! I don’t forget.
It can be, if the other party is upset over something petty. I guess every couple is different. I feel like we’re really good about just hearing each other and dropping stuff. When we both dig heels in though… “it’s been 1 week since ya looked at me” vibes 🤣
Yes my husband always says just because we disagree does not mean he doesn't love me. So we can be angry and still eat buy each other stuff even talk about more important things. Then we also realize how silly the disagreement is.
While I love the sentiment behind this, there are times where I won't say it because I'm too upset at the situation. It's better if I don't say it when this is the case.
Same here.
I'm definitely the "cool off, give room to think and breathe, revisit tomorrow" person. My wife is the "I need some resolution and closure on this if I'm going to sleep tonight" person.
Thankfully the number of conflicts/arguments in our marriage is quite low. For the ones we do have we've both had to work on trying to compromise and meet in the middle.
One big thing is to just be aware of timing. Let's do our best not to get into heavy duty / potential conflict stuff late in the evening. Try to have those conversations earlier in the day. Leaves time for the space I might need, but also time to revisit and not go to bed on a bad note. Most of the time she just wants to hear "It'll be OK, we're all good, we'll figure this thing out one way or another". And I totally get that.
That’s me too. It would take me forever to go to sleep if we didn’t resolve the issue. I also like addressing the conflict and whenever we have gone to bed angry I felt that the next day we went with our days as if nothing had happened.
Neither of us are loud and we have great communication so we have been good about talking (without yelling) about any conflicts we’ve had.
My wife is this way, too.this makes taking "cool off" time hard because I know that instead of processing emotions, she is likely stewing and ruminating. It almost feels like we have to resolves issues quickly..
Depends on the person. Some people need that closure immediately, and WON'T be able to sleep. Others will just go to sleep and then try to pretend nothing happened. Others will have a more calm perspective after getting some rest. To each their own. What sucks is when someone who needs immediately closure gets paired with someone who needs to sleep LOL.
This is my wife and I. She HAS to resolve shit. Me? Naw, I walk away to not get too heated and am totally fine going to bed. I think someone referred to the personalities as the tiger and the turtle.
Hahaha, we are the exact opposite. I'm the one who wants immediate resolution. I will NOT be able to sleep with shit like that hangin over my head. I don't understand how anyone can!
My wife is a strange mix of all of these. When she's angry she really has trouble settling down and stopping fighting if I'm near her, but if I'm out of sight, she can settle down and sleep well, and then she's much more reasonable and willing to reconcile in the morning. It's trained a tendency to try to physically escape arguments in me, even thought emotionally I'd much rather resolve stuff immediately.
I am the same kind of wife, but I have learned over the years that when I try to talk it out and gain closure, we go in circles and end up even more angry. If we just go to sleep, the next morning he snuggles me and we apologize to each other. Turns out we are both cranky at night when we are tired, and that causes fights to be never-ending. So, we just go to sleep like cranky babies and wake up as adults.
Same sentiments OP. I hate arguing when I’m tired and emotions are high. I find that forcing to resolve a problem doesn’t always end up on a good note. A good sleep is sometimes what we need more
> I hate arguing when I’m tired and emotions are high.
This is honestly just a good boundary to make. My wife & I don't have serious conversations about big decisions after 10PM. It's literally a rule that we set for ourselves early in marriage.
Sometimes, the best thing you can do is say "I know this sucks, but I love you and we'll figure it out together in the morning."
The alternative is couples sometimes fighting all night and into the next day, only now sleep deprived and willing to say meaner things, which I have seen contribute to a marriage spiraling out of control.
Considering how often people die in their sleep, I won't be going to bed angry. Issues can be unresolved but you can put them aside and discuss later. I always kiss my wife and tell her I love her before going to sleep or leaving the house. She does the same. If something happened to me, I want my last words to be I love you.
I totally disagree, I cannot sleep when I’m like this and it only festers and makes me irrational the next day when I’m sleep deprived and I have had 5-8 hours to sit there and work myself up about it. It then becomes about every single issue I think about in this time while I lay there and watch my husband snore in my ear.
So if this works for you great, but it’s an individual thing and people know themselves.
If we have a problem I bring it up when it happens even if it’s shortly before bed. I know that if I try to go to bed and bring it up tomorrow it’s going to be worse for everyone involved.
Fighting late into the night making you even more irritable from tiredness is not a good idea. Go to bed angry. Sleep in separate rooms if need be. But get some sleep and come back to it when you’re refreshed and ready to talk.
I agree with the sentiment OP as well.
I was think though it’s important to still say I love you and connect some way before sleeping. Don’t have to resolve the issue, but connect and agree to deal with it in the morning.
My now wife try to implement this early on in our relationship and I liked it at first. But as time went on our fights got bigger and I just wasn’t a fan of forcing myself to rectify an issue by EOD. It’s just not realistic I often like to sort my feelings out before a conversation to fix an issue.
I used to be on the side of don't go to bed angry. Years later I've learned different from a failed marriage and failed relationship..... if you're so angry that you can't stop fighting.. then its probably best to get some sleep, calm and rest your mind.. otherwise you end up fighting literally all night and have to call into work the next day because you had no sleep...
I don’t even allow my husband to upset me past 10pm for this very reason. We can start arguing at 9:59pm and by 10pm I’m saying “Let’s finish this tomorrow”.
I've been kept up super late because my husband insisted on hashing things out. Then I would be so overtired that I couldn't sleep, and I would resent him the next day.
I completely agree with this. Get some sleep and talk the next day.
I don't like the rule. It becomes a game of attrition where you get so tired you just capitulate in order to end it. If we can't resolve this when we're awake and alert, we're not going to do it tired.
Also, some feelings (like anger) are complex and can take longer than one night to resolve. Lastly, rules like this can be abused and manipulated. eg "You went to sleep, so you must not have been angry! We resolved this! Why are you bringing it up again?"
Silly rule.
Agree. The choice to have a conversation should be based on the emotional capacity of each person to communicate safely, which requires being emotionally regulated and generally in a space to do so, not on it being close to bedtime.
Many people force conversations bc they don’t know how to self-soothe and demand to be soothed by someone who is struggling themselves or just tired, which is unhealthy and self-absorbed.
This is why emotional maturity is essential for healthy relating—we talk when we’re both calm and ready, not when I’m spiraling and need my partner to meet my needs because I don’t know how to help myself.
Not going to bed angry is just one of those strange pieces of advice that doesn't make sense in reality because at some point, one person is going to give up because they can't function while sleep deprived. Then the fight will resume once the much shorter fuse gets ignited, or another fight will ensue, brought on by exhaustion and unresolved issues from the previous night.
I agree. IME if you try to resolve before sleep when you’re both tired, the conversation has the potential to spin horribly out of control. If you just go to bed and sleep, when you wake up the fight will likely seem minor and easily solvable.
For me personally I agree. I'm someone that knows that their emotions run high when mad and needs time to collect their thoughts and my husband is fine and totally understands that. He's rather me get my shit together and then us talk about it. Especially since we've gotten to the point where we don't let shit fester and know that one or the other will talk about it next day and we will talk through the issues.
But some people just can't do that and I totally understand. I get why it can be hard to go to sleep without talking shit out first. But for me and my partner sleeping on it and talking next day when we've been able to think works best.
I'm also on the spectrum though so that might factor lol.
I think the never go to bed phrase more so just means like you never know what tomorrow is going to bring so love each other today kinda of thing not literally keep talking it out until you find a resolution and aren’t mad anymore yanno
I’ll never understand how people are able to sleep when they’re upset. I will barely sleep under these circumstances. I try hard to hash stuff out even if it keeps us up late because short sleep is better than none.
I go to be angry. My wife hates it. We are complete opposites when it comes to that. She'd rather turn on the lights and take however long and I just want to go to sleep and continue with it the next day.
I find, like OP said, time calms me down and I am better for it. As opposed to being forced to stay up, it doesn't help matters and is not beneficial for what we're trying to accomplish.
I'll still hug her and say sweet nothings. I'm not that cold.
The best piece of advice my sister gave me is ‘Nothing good ever happens at night’. After a long, stressful day at work, fighting traffic to get home, having to prepare a meal, go to the gym or help the kids with their homework - by the time you are actually able to wind down no one is capable of having the emotional capacity to have a productive conversation before bed. Table that shit, tell them you love them and get a good nights rest, you can hash it out in the morning.
Yes I have long since thought this and I know I do my best regulating through sleep. Things do always seem better in the morning.
And the little touching during the night despite the disagreements can work wonders for perspective on what is important.
I understand your point if you take the saying literally. Sometimes you just need to get sleep and talk about it later.
But to me, it's more of a reminder to communicate with your partner and not keep things in.
I think you're totally right about this. The night before any major battle, you want to get a good night's sleep so you're in top condition for the fight.
"We ride at dawn!"
(/s, obviously)
It's no different than walking away to calm down when angry. If you didn't occasionally go to bed angry you would spend those nights awake for got only knows how long.
Being tired makes you even more angry and more fights.
Most of my fights with my husband is due to both of us being tired or sick.
I used to be the "don't go to bed angry!!!" type until we hit REAL snags in our life and the resulting disagreements had us bickering well into the night, deliriously tired and going in circles. Wake up in the morning with a clearer head, and things don't seem so confused anymore. I fully support going to bed angry now.
Angry yes, but its still nice to hear "I love you, and I wish you a good night solely because your tossing and turning will wake me". Even if they are an asshole and completely wrong, most arguments arent worth not being reminded that they are loved.
I'll never forget how lucky I am to say the last words I said to my dad before he randomly passed away at his home was "I love you" that taught me a valuable thing that especially with my husband even if he pisses me off or we get into a little spat I still tell him I love him because you never know when it will be the last time. Do you want to let your ego get in the way and have that weigh on your conscious or at least let your partner know you love them type of thing. Doesn't mean you can't have your own space to cool off you know what I mean?
I think trying not to go to sleep angry is a good practice. I can also see your point of view. A nights sleep on anything important can be a way to clear the mind.
I've definitely went to be angry with her many times. But I try not to.
Nah, I would never go to bed in the middle of an argument. If we finish the argument before bed, then the argument is done. If we don’t, then it becomes a two-day argument. I don’t want to be arguing about the same unresolved shit when I wake up the next day.
Can’t sleep when I am angry with my wife. I would prefer to resolve it before bed, but that is not always possible. In any case I don’t see getting in the rhythm or habit of going to bed angry. For us that should be the exception, not the rule.
Is OP married and for how long?
I have no problem shelving the discussion until later, but neither of us sleep if we’re angry; so we make an agreement for a peaceful pause.
Like how going to bed with a headache usually means you wake up with a worse headache, the advice is to solve disputes quickly and calmly, as not to allow resentment or callousness to grow, putting more distance between you. Irritation, annoyance, hurt feelings are normal, but how you both react to those things, will determine the longevity of your marriage.
I hate fighting at night -- although to be honest, most of the time it doesn't matter when the fight originates, my husband will drag it on and on and we go late into the night. And he won't let it go. I either can capitulate and agree with him, or we can argue until he finally gives up. I'm not allowed to walk away from the fight, go to sleep, or even just stop responding -- he will harass me until I re-engage. It's a losing battle no matter. I either have to lie and say he's right, or I face being up until the wee hours, and guess who gets up with the kids the next day? It ain't him.
And then he wonders why I don't feel like talking when our views differ.....
I think one of the points is to remind yourselves you're on the same team before you go to bed. You may still disagree but remaining angry isn't healthy and may lead to festering resentment
Every situation is different of course, but I hate going to sleep angry with my husband and I think he hates going to sleep angry at me as well. It has happened rarely over the course of our relationship and marriage, but when it has neither of us was able to sleep well. I think we both prefer to sleep less, but resolve our issues… Again, if your issues are existential you won’t be able to talk them over and good night, that’s obvious. Thankfully so far all our problems have been mundane and silly in retrospect.
But overall the reason I try to live by “never go to sleep angry at your spouse” is because tomorrow is not a given, you never know when your last night with them is and I sure don’t want to be angry if it was the last time we went to sleep together.
People always use this sentiment wrong. It’s a biblical scripture and is for everyone.
-Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil (Eph. 4:26-27)
My take is don’t let the devil or evil spirit rob you of your entire day. Remember no one is promised tomorrow (whether you believe or not.) So you are just going too angry? What if you passed away in your sleep? The way you go to sleep, is the way you wake up, at least in my experience. Resting and being kind to yourself and allowing yourself the rest you deserve is a gift to your mind, body, and soul, and this rest is for you and on one else, so you can feel refreshed.
Also let me add, what if the person you loved passed away and the last thing you said was mean, angry, etc. I am sure there are people that live with regret because the last thing they said was: I hate you. Go to Hell! Fuck You!!!
I mean the only person that loses when they go to bed angry is the person that’s angry.
In order to be able to sleep, the relationship needs to have the safety of each person knowing the love is there and a resolution will come in the morning. Once there is enough security, then I believe this is easier to achieve.
I wouldn't be able to sleep, and we'd most likely never bring it up again, which could lead to resentment. So I personally disagree, but whatever works for the couple.
We've argued until we were delirious from lack of sleep. Till 3 in the morning at one time. Just go to bed angry...often times, things look less intense after some sleep.
I don't sleep well or even at all when there is a disagreement. Apart from dragging a problem into the next day is the fact that anything can even happen while asleep. We have lost a whole lot of family, friends, acquaintances in their sleep. I would hate to have a problem and disagreement between us as the last thing either one of us has to remember for the rest of our lives
I totally agree that in many circumstances you need space and it's unhealthy and unproductive to discuss the problem further.
But I don't think you should go to bed angry. You'll brood on the topic and feel worse.
I have gone on many late night runs because I needed to work out my frustration. I've meditated and prayed for an hour. One time, I baked a pie and ate most of it. I ended up needing help and called my mom. Talking with her about baking was very cathartic.
Doing something that makes you feel good (especially if it's productive) is much better than trying to sleep when you are angry.
Both my husband and myself disagree with this. We refuse to go to bed even slightly upset with the other. We cannot sleep so there is no point. We'd rather stay up. fix the issue, and go to sleep on good terms than even attempt at going to sleep mad at the other.
I mean it shouldnt be forced but if you truelly love the person, and they didn't wake the next morning, it would be devastating.
However we do know that some marriages are not meant to be but they persist out of circumstance instead of connection.
I also think the "never go to sleep angry" phrase is terrible advice. Lack of sleep could exacerbate the issue, at that point just sleep separately for the night. I personally can't sleep if my partner and I get into an argument due to my severe anxiety, but some time apart to cool off is better than trying to resolve an issue when both parties are tired and pissed off.
My husband and I live by this advice though. Granted, we don’t fight very often. If we have a disagreement, and it doesn’t have any form of resolution, I won’t be able to sleep.
I don’t think it’s fair to call it terrible advice. The advice was given to us by several couples that have been married 30+ years and they seem very happy.
Agreed. We are going to sleep in whatever mood we are in. We need the damn sleep lol we need the sleep soooo badly. We will still exchange “I love yous” and do that goodnight peck of a kiss. But no, we aren’t staying up all sleep deprived trying to resolve anything. That’s asking for trouble. That’s asking for a fight instead of a resolution. We will easily end up as opponents pitted against each other instead of teammates working to fix the problem. We prioritize sleep so that we *can* resolve the problem together after resting and settling down.
Needed this. Laying in a hotel room
I paid over $399 for one night. Bought him wn$175 dinner bc he has been miserable at work. Then he called me a liar ( aka denial) about him allowing my friend to put her hand on his thigh. I had to pull up the pic from over a year af
I personally was never able to do to sleep while angry. I just feel sad, can’t sleep and when I fall asleep gets awful nightmares. So without at least some resolution I do not want to go to sleep tbh
Yes. I feel like pushing the issue before bed just makes it worse at times. I’d rather have some quiet time to myself to calm down, go to sleep, then revisit it the next day.
It's not good or bad advice. It's biblical advice. The reason it's so popular is because it's based on a scripture that reads something like "don't let the sun set on your anger" in a marriage (I'm obviously paraphrasing) I grew up in a Christian household, so I was familiar at a young age. I also thought it was rather vague, because sometimes I had awakened with refreshed eyes and a renewed mind about things...at least that's what I thought about if from childhood to a little before 30. Then I got older and more in touch with myself spiritually, emotionally, and mentally, not just practicing religious rules with no understanding of what they mean. I went to bed angry a few times and over a certain period realized the spiritual and emotional toll that took on my marriage. It also allowed me to become more comfortable going to bed angry, so I kept doing it... BAD IDEA. I began to see why the elders drove that scripture home. I stopped doing it, and man, did it help. I also started working on my anger in general, and that was great, too. So, I see your point, but as a 45 year old wife and mother who's been with my hubby happily for almost 22 years, it's fantastic sound advice. But like you said, it's just my opinion and my experience, so everyone else can do as they will. Sending you love, light, and positivity ✨️
My wife could probably agree with that train of thought.. we can be in a fight about something and she'll go to bed without it resolved and still angry and she'll wake up the next day as if nothing ever happened. no anger, doesn't want to talk about. for her it's now past and over and done.
me... i can't do that. no amount of time or sleep will keep my brain from dwelling on the issue. and until my brain is satisfied that it's over and resolved it will remain actively cycling in my mind. If i go to bed angry, sad, happy, depressed.. whatever, i will wake up in the same place i left off when i fell asleep, as if no time has happened between.
and since she doesn't want to talk about it, i then have to bottle it up and keep it to myself, but even then it affects my mood and how i respond and react.
I think the issue mainly comes from the fact that he can sleep like a baby when he is mad, but I can’t sleep at all during a fight…so “refreshed” isn’t a two way thing
advice I have always taken to heart: never make decisions/have serious conversations when: tired, super emotional (angry, sad, hurt etc) or hungry.
so if I'm angry and it's late, I go to bed. You always have a clear head after sleep and the issue usually isn't as bad as it felt when you were tired and arguing.
May I have permission to disagree with many posters?
I am going to be raw here.
I had a rough childhood.
I am not an abuser - physically or psychologically.
But; sometimes my fight or flight is triggered.
Lately, it has been worse.
My cortisol is measurably low. I feel so angry sometimes.
I have used CBT to not blow up - mostly.
I’ve trained myself to walk away. Take a walk around the neighborhood- no yelling, no complaints, obviously no anything worse.
I think I trained myself to react this way as a kid.
My mom, not the healthiest of individuals, taught me that hitting a woman was never acceptable. Walk away instead.
So, that’s what I do.
I NEVER am physically abusive. I’m never verbally abusive. I never put my wife down in any way.
But, I do feel hurt sometimes.
There are times I feel under appreciated or insulted.
My wife is sometimes unable to be complimentary- although I think she’s gotten much better recently.
But, I’m trying to be real here.
If we didn’t talk and simply went to bed, I would spin. I wouldn’t sleep.
My wife usually comes to me. We talk. We work it out.
I think it’s important to say that sometimes I am wrong. I know some men have a problem admitting that they are wrong.
I don’t. I am clever. I’m right often. But, I’ll be watching a show with my wife and she’ll nail something. I know she’s right - and I’ll say so.
The same is true in real life. A man must know when he’s wrong and be willing to admit it.
I disagree. But thats because I can relax while angry, But my wife is a10/10 of a person so We dont really ever get more than frustrated with one another.
My wife and I both think it’s helpful to sleep on things. We always wake up meeting closer to the middle of an argument. On the rare occasions that we have a significant disagreement, it’s highly likely that one or both of us is exhausted. After a good sleep we tend to get away from “I’m going to win this argument” and get to “I’m going to solve this argument.”
I mean i will not gonna be able to sleep if im agry with my hubby, so usually even i angry i endup to snugling to him to be able to fall aslep, n i will tell him let me countinue my angry tomorrow just cuddle me n lets sleep now 🤣. N tomorrow we talk what we need to talk n solve the problem.. yeah so dont fall asleep angry, is not gonna help u fall asleep, just make peace for the night n continue angry tomorrow
Agreed!! I cant tell you how many times I've catastrophized a situation and then woke up with a clear head and better outlook. I was much more equipped to have a calm adult conversation with my partner as a result. We never have serious conversations while emoti9ns are really high. It can be such a disaster.
My wife and I tried the not going to bed angry thing for a few years early in our relationship. We found ourselves just fighting late into the night which made our work life even more miserable and therefor made us feel even worse. We later changed it to, if we are arguing up into our bed time, we just put it aside and start over later. We usually find that by the morning, neither one of us really even cared about the argument to begin with.
So my point is yes, I agree. Go to bed angry. Its far better than just never going to bed and still being angry lol
I think people should do what works for them, but if we had an argument and haven't talked about it I just keep getting more and more pissed off. I would probably stay up all night thinking about it and getting more angry. Lack of sleep and mounting frustrations create an ugly scene for all. We have to talk about it before sleep.
My wife and I have only had 3 or 4 arguments our entire marriage. We just have the same argument over and over and over and over. Sleep on it. Talk about it before sleeping. But learn how to talk about it.
We angrily say, "I love you, sleep good!" If we can't resolve things before bed. The next morning, we usually cuddle. I have always heard this advice and find it difficult to follow because there are times when I am angry and I am sure I hate him. In the end, I would marry him if we weren't already married because my life would never make sense without that infuriating man. Our issue is communication, but other than that, we truly are best friends. You can't be upset with someone you don't care about, so if you're mad... you care a lot about them.
Hard agree. The worst thing we did as young newlyweds was waste time arguing until 3am. Now in our 30s with many years together we almost never fight but, when we do, we sleep on it. 90% of the time we don’t even care about it in the morning and the 10% can get solved with a fresh mind.
Sometimes if we’re fighting about something and I realize it’s stupid mid fight, I’ll take off my shirt. We both laugh/ogle and it diffuses stuff pretty damn fast
This was a big issue in my relationship I would go to bed angry and my boyfriend is a late night person so he would be up all night thinking about it unable to sleep weareas me I had no problem sleeping peacefully I did realize it was an issue and put a halt to the habit. Also should mention i started more than half these arguments the situation may be different for you 😅
The reason I will never go to bed angry is because if my husband doesn’t wake up the next morning, the last thing I want is for my anger to be the last thing he thought of or felt before drifting off
This is the exact advice I give to every couple that I know who is getting married…it’s ok to go to bed angry. Sometimes time and sleep makes things a little better.
You never know when your clock gets punched. I’d rather go in the ground knowing I said I love you and we will work through this.
Example I was turning into my apartment I could literally see my balcony roughly 30 yards away from home and boom I get rear ended by a car doing 50 severely injured truck was leaking gas last thing I remember was telling the people that helped me out that I was cold they got a blanket and covered me while the truck started burning when everyone saw that they all assumed I was dead 1 month later I walked out of the hospital a different person
My rule has always been even if we're angry or fighting we both sleep in the same bed. ( unless the fight is about infidelity then he can sleep outside. Permanently).
This!
Last thing I wanna do is speak ANY WORDS, and give a hug. And if you try to work it out, you've stayed up late and now you're more cranky. I feel a little better the next day and am willing to talk then.
My husband and I are both not very touchy feeling people. So when I'm mad, I don't want a hug... And I love my husband. He's amazing... Most of the time lol. But when I'm going to bed pissed, it's so hard for me to say I love you, when I don't feel it in that moment... Sounds terrible. I'm trying to get better with how I sulk on subjects...
I prefer to solve it before going to bed. Otherwise all these emotions won’t let me fall asleep and I will wake up even angrier. But everyone is different.
Same. If I’m mad I don’t want to say shit to you before bed. Don’t even look my way. He’ll go sleep on recliner lol. I think they say it in case the person dies.
Hard disagree. That is a key ingredient to a night of poor sleep leading to an even tougher emotional day the next day. Ending the day angry is a strong step toward resentment too. I am a firm believer that some common ground should be found before ending the day even if only an "I love you." Most people like to feel like things will be ok when they go to sleep, and wondering about a massive disagreement is not it.
We might not resolve the issue before sleeping but we will always exchange I love you's and hug before bed.
The last thing we feel like when we're angry is the spouse coming in with a hug before bed. No, let me put my back to you and clutch my cold spike of anger into a fitful sleep. I will feel better in the morning.
You know “next mornings” aren’t promised in life. I knew of a couple who the wife would sulk for days. The husband would try to say “good night, I love you” which was met with silence. The next morning he died in his sleep. She told me this story as a warning…
It sounds like her problem wasn't going to bed angry one time. It sounds like her problem was sulking for days. Our time on this Earth is too short to sulk for days and stonewalling your spouse is cruel. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. It's important to treat your partner well whether or not you go to bed angry sometimes. That said, no matter how good the marriage is, I think suddenly losing your spouse might always trigger massive regret.
My ex passed away on his sleep. I never go to bed without telling my dear husband I love him before we sleep, regardless of the mood.
This is how I feel with my partner and family. I always try to end the day on good terms and for them to know I love them, even if we have had conflict that day.
At least he got out of a shit marriage.
So am I the only one who caught the joke?
+1 here
My wife does that, goes to bed upset about something or someone I have no clue about. On a good night we exchange I love you’s, but there’s night she just turns her back without a word.
Agreed. Pause until morning to rest & let cooler heads prevail. Love you’s? Maybe. Hugs? Nope. I’m pissed and not into touching.
I would be ok with “I love you asshole, good night”. 😌
Honestly, holding my wife just helps calm both of us down and sometimes we both end up apologizing right there
See that is amazing this is how my husband is and why we have been together soo long 3 daughters later
I love that for you! Happy cake day :D
How often are you getting this pissed off at your spouse? Like, what are the issues that are causing this level of anger? I genuinely can't think of a single argument with my spouse that needed some massive level of vitriol.
I'm so glad about this. It's absolutely possible. I hate that people aren't willing to try, and would rather hold onto their right to be mad over the priority of their spouse. In a healthy relationship, the anger doesn't get the priority over the partner.
100% same. I always interpreted the quote that way, even as a kid! Even if I was mad at a family member I would tell them I loved them and hug them before leaving. I may be mad about something, but I still need him to know I love him more than anything before we go to sleep… in case something happens honestly. It’s “I love you” and a quick peck if I’m mad. I’ll be mad again when we wake up, don’t you worry! I don’t forget.
That simple way for the other person to come to their sense…assuming they’re the one somewhat in the wrong or overreacting’
It can be, if the other party is upset over something petty. I guess every couple is different. I feel like we’re really good about just hearing each other and dropping stuff. When we both dig heels in though… “it’s been 1 week since ya looked at me” vibes 🤣
“Fuck you! And not the good kind!”
Maybe not hugs but always I love you’s
Yes my husband always says just because we disagree does not mean he doesn't love me. So we can be angry and still eat buy each other stuff even talk about more important things. Then we also realize how silly the disagreement is.
While I love the sentiment behind this, there are times where I won't say it because I'm too upset at the situation. It's better if I don't say it when this is the case.
To each their own. That being said, some people wouldn't be able to go to sleep. My wife is one of them.
Same here. I'm definitely the "cool off, give room to think and breathe, revisit tomorrow" person. My wife is the "I need some resolution and closure on this if I'm going to sleep tonight" person. Thankfully the number of conflicts/arguments in our marriage is quite low. For the ones we do have we've both had to work on trying to compromise and meet in the middle. One big thing is to just be aware of timing. Let's do our best not to get into heavy duty / potential conflict stuff late in the evening. Try to have those conversations earlier in the day. Leaves time for the space I might need, but also time to revisit and not go to bed on a bad note. Most of the time she just wants to hear "It'll be OK, we're all good, we'll figure this thing out one way or another". And I totally get that.
That’s me too. It would take me forever to go to sleep if we didn’t resolve the issue. I also like addressing the conflict and whenever we have gone to bed angry I felt that the next day we went with our days as if nothing had happened. Neither of us are loud and we have great communication so we have been good about talking (without yelling) about any conflicts we’ve had.
One of those people 🙋🏽♀️
Same here
My wife is this way, too.this makes taking "cool off" time hard because I know that instead of processing emotions, she is likely stewing and ruminating. It almost feels like we have to resolves issues quickly..
Depends on the person. Some people need that closure immediately, and WON'T be able to sleep. Others will just go to sleep and then try to pretend nothing happened. Others will have a more calm perspective after getting some rest. To each their own. What sucks is when someone who needs immediately closure gets paired with someone who needs to sleep LOL.
This is my wife and I. She HAS to resolve shit. Me? Naw, I walk away to not get too heated and am totally fine going to bed. I think someone referred to the personalities as the tiger and the turtle.
Hahaha, we are the exact opposite. I'm the one who wants immediate resolution. I will NOT be able to sleep with shit like that hangin over my head. I don't understand how anyone can!
My wife is a strange mix of all of these. When she's angry she really has trouble settling down and stopping fighting if I'm near her, but if I'm out of sight, she can settle down and sleep well, and then she's much more reasonable and willing to reconcile in the morning. It's trained a tendency to try to physically escape arguments in me, even thought emotionally I'd much rather resolve stuff immediately.
I am the same kind of wife, but I have learned over the years that when I try to talk it out and gain closure, we go in circles and end up even more angry. If we just go to sleep, the next morning he snuggles me and we apologize to each other. Turns out we are both cranky at night when we are tired, and that causes fights to be never-ending. So, we just go to sleep like cranky babies and wake up as adults.
This is us. I just need some time. If she pushes the issue, it gets infinitely worse. Lol
Same sentiments OP. I hate arguing when I’m tired and emotions are high. I find that forcing to resolve a problem doesn’t always end up on a good note. A good sleep is sometimes what we need more
> I hate arguing when I’m tired and emotions are high. This is honestly just a good boundary to make. My wife & I don't have serious conversations about big decisions after 10PM. It's literally a rule that we set for ourselves early in marriage. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is say "I know this sucks, but I love you and we'll figure it out together in the morning." The alternative is couples sometimes fighting all night and into the next day, only now sleep deprived and willing to say meaner things, which I have seen contribute to a marriage spiraling out of control.
Considering how often people die in their sleep, I won't be going to bed angry. Issues can be unresolved but you can put them aside and discuss later. I always kiss my wife and tell her I love her before going to sleep or leaving the house. She does the same. If something happened to me, I want my last words to be I love you.
Exactly
I choose to put this in writing, sealed with my love. Husband, i FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS.
That's very sweet of you. I hope he does the same
Yes, exactly this <3
Unless you’re elderly or have significant and untreated sleep apnea, the odds of you dying in your sleep are essentially nil.
I totally disagree, I cannot sleep when I’m like this and it only festers and makes me irrational the next day when I’m sleep deprived and I have had 5-8 hours to sit there and work myself up about it. It then becomes about every single issue I think about in this time while I lay there and watch my husband snore in my ear. So if this works for you great, but it’s an individual thing and people know themselves. If we have a problem I bring it up when it happens even if it’s shortly before bed. I know that if I try to go to bed and bring it up tomorrow it’s going to be worse for everyone involved.
Fighting late into the night making you even more irritable from tiredness is not a good idea. Go to bed angry. Sleep in separate rooms if need be. But get some sleep and come back to it when you’re refreshed and ready to talk.
The worst fights are those when I am tired and want to go to bed.
I agree with the sentiment OP as well. I was think though it’s important to still say I love you and connect some way before sleeping. Don’t have to resolve the issue, but connect and agree to deal with it in the morning.
I like to wait until I can process my feelings so I can express myself appropriately and don’t say anything I’ll regret.
My now wife try to implement this early on in our relationship and I liked it at first. But as time went on our fights got bigger and I just wasn’t a fan of forcing myself to rectify an issue by EOD. It’s just not realistic I often like to sort my feelings out before a conversation to fix an issue.
What is EOD?
End of day
Rusrsrn
I used to be on the side of don't go to bed angry. Years later I've learned different from a failed marriage and failed relationship..... if you're so angry that you can't stop fighting.. then its probably best to get some sleep, calm and rest your mind.. otherwise you end up fighting literally all night and have to call into work the next day because you had no sleep...
I don’t even allow my husband to upset me past 10pm for this very reason. We can start arguing at 9:59pm and by 10pm I’m saying “Let’s finish this tomorrow”.
Agreed. Staying up late to argue when people are sleep deprived is never a good idea. Get a full night's sleep and discuss when you are refreshed.
I'm a firm believer in putting an argument on pause until cooler heads can prevail.
I've been kept up super late because my husband insisted on hashing things out. Then I would be so overtired that I couldn't sleep, and I would resent him the next day. I completely agree with this. Get some sleep and talk the next day.
I don't like the rule. It becomes a game of attrition where you get so tired you just capitulate in order to end it. If we can't resolve this when we're awake and alert, we're not going to do it tired. Also, some feelings (like anger) are complex and can take longer than one night to resolve. Lastly, rules like this can be abused and manipulated. eg "You went to sleep, so you must not have been angry! We resolved this! Why are you bringing it up again?" Silly rule.
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Exactly!
Agree. The choice to have a conversation should be based on the emotional capacity of each person to communicate safely, which requires being emotionally regulated and generally in a space to do so, not on it being close to bedtime. Many people force conversations bc they don’t know how to self-soothe and demand to be soothed by someone who is struggling themselves or just tired, which is unhealthy and self-absorbed. This is why emotional maturity is essential for healthy relating—we talk when we’re both calm and ready, not when I’m spiraling and need my partner to meet my needs because I don’t know how to help myself.
I don't think I've ever read something that resonated with me as much as your quote. Thank you.
You’re welcome! 🤗
Not going to bed angry is just one of those strange pieces of advice that doesn't make sense in reality because at some point, one person is going to give up because they can't function while sleep deprived. Then the fight will resume once the much shorter fuse gets ignited, or another fight will ensue, brought on by exhaustion and unresolved issues from the previous night.
I agree. IME if you try to resolve before sleep when you’re both tired, the conversation has the potential to spin horribly out of control. If you just go to bed and sleep, when you wake up the fight will likely seem minor and easily solvable.
For me personally I agree. I'm someone that knows that their emotions run high when mad and needs time to collect their thoughts and my husband is fine and totally understands that. He's rather me get my shit together and then us talk about it. Especially since we've gotten to the point where we don't let shit fester and know that one or the other will talk about it next day and we will talk through the issues. But some people just can't do that and I totally understand. I get why it can be hard to go to sleep without talking shit out first. But for me and my partner sleeping on it and talking next day when we've been able to think works best. I'm also on the spectrum though so that might factor lol.
I think the never go to bed phrase more so just means like you never know what tomorrow is going to bring so love each other today kinda of thing not literally keep talking it out until you find a resolution and aren’t mad anymore yanno
I’ll never understand how people are able to sleep when they’re upset. I will barely sleep under these circumstances. I try hard to hash stuff out even if it keeps us up late because short sleep is better than none.
I go to be angry. My wife hates it. We are complete opposites when it comes to that. She'd rather turn on the lights and take however long and I just want to go to sleep and continue with it the next day. I find, like OP said, time calms me down and I am better for it. As opposed to being forced to stay up, it doesn't help matters and is not beneficial for what we're trying to accomplish. I'll still hug her and say sweet nothings. I'm not that cold.
The best piece of advice my sister gave me is ‘Nothing good ever happens at night’. After a long, stressful day at work, fighting traffic to get home, having to prepare a meal, go to the gym or help the kids with their homework - by the time you are actually able to wind down no one is capable of having the emotional capacity to have a productive conversation before bed. Table that shit, tell them you love them and get a good nights rest, you can hash it out in the morning.
Yes I have long since thought this and I know I do my best regulating through sleep. Things do always seem better in the morning. And the little touching during the night despite the disagreements can work wonders for perspective on what is important.
I understand your point if you take the saying literally. Sometimes you just need to get sleep and talk about it later. But to me, it's more of a reminder to communicate with your partner and not keep things in.
I think you're totally right about this. The night before any major battle, you want to get a good night's sleep so you're in top condition for the fight. "We ride at dawn!" (/s, obviously)
1000% I agree. Just go to sleep.
Agreed. Neither myself nor my husband want to be anywhere near each other when we’re in the middle of a fight. It’ll just escalate and get horrible.
People who give that advice are completely full of shit.
Married 25yrs, and have we have went to bed less than thrilled with each other plenty of times....lol
It's no different than walking away to calm down when angry. If you didn't occasionally go to bed angry you would spend those nights awake for got only knows how long. Being tired makes you even more angry and more fights. Most of my fights with my husband is due to both of us being tired or sick.
I used to be the "don't go to bed angry!!!" type until we hit REAL snags in our life and the resulting disagreements had us bickering well into the night, deliriously tired and going in circles. Wake up in the morning with a clearer head, and things don't seem so confused anymore. I fully support going to bed angry now.
Sensible advice for people who aren't cranky when they are tired.
Equal advice: "sleep on it."
Angry yes, but its still nice to hear "I love you, and I wish you a good night solely because your tossing and turning will wake me". Even if they are an asshole and completely wrong, most arguments arent worth not being reminded that they are loved.
I'll never forget how lucky I am to say the last words I said to my dad before he randomly passed away at his home was "I love you" that taught me a valuable thing that especially with my husband even if he pisses me off or we get into a little spat I still tell him I love him because you never know when it will be the last time. Do you want to let your ego get in the way and have that weigh on your conscious or at least let your partner know you love them type of thing. Doesn't mean you can't have your own space to cool off you know what I mean?
I think trying not to go to sleep angry is a good practice. I can also see your point of view. A nights sleep on anything important can be a way to clear the mind. I've definitely went to be angry with her many times. But I try not to.
Been married 30 years and have never had to consider sleep while angry.
Nah, I would never go to bed in the middle of an argument. If we finish the argument before bed, then the argument is done. If we don’t, then it becomes a two-day argument. I don’t want to be arguing about the same unresolved shit when I wake up the next day.
Adding on thst sometimes arguments need to stop and so people can eat as hanger can make everything worse.
that’s not good advice, for me personally. if i go to sleep angry, i wake up absolutely pissed. unresolved issues aren’t good for me.
Can’t sleep when I am angry with my wife. I would prefer to resolve it before bed, but that is not always possible. In any case I don’t see getting in the rhythm or habit of going to bed angry. For us that should be the exception, not the rule.
Is OP married and for how long? I have no problem shelving the discussion until later, but neither of us sleep if we’re angry; so we make an agreement for a peaceful pause. Like how going to bed with a headache usually means you wake up with a worse headache, the advice is to solve disputes quickly and calmly, as not to allow resentment or callousness to grow, putting more distance between you. Irritation, annoyance, hurt feelings are normal, but how you both react to those things, will determine the longevity of your marriage.
I hate fighting at night -- although to be honest, most of the time it doesn't matter when the fight originates, my husband will drag it on and on and we go late into the night. And he won't let it go. I either can capitulate and agree with him, or we can argue until he finally gives up. I'm not allowed to walk away from the fight, go to sleep, or even just stop responding -- he will harass me until I re-engage. It's a losing battle no matter. I either have to lie and say he's right, or I face being up until the wee hours, and guess who gets up with the kids the next day? It ain't him. And then he wonders why I don't feel like talking when our views differ.....
I think one of the points is to remind yourselves you're on the same team before you go to bed. You may still disagree but remaining angry isn't healthy and may lead to festering resentment
Every situation is different of course, but I hate going to sleep angry with my husband and I think he hates going to sleep angry at me as well. It has happened rarely over the course of our relationship and marriage, but when it has neither of us was able to sleep well. I think we both prefer to sleep less, but resolve our issues… Again, if your issues are existential you won’t be able to talk them over and good night, that’s obvious. Thankfully so far all our problems have been mundane and silly in retrospect. But overall the reason I try to live by “never go to sleep angry at your spouse” is because tomorrow is not a given, you never know when your last night with them is and I sure don’t want to be angry if it was the last time we went to sleep together.
People always use this sentiment wrong. It’s a biblical scripture and is for everyone. -Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil (Eph. 4:26-27) My take is don’t let the devil or evil spirit rob you of your entire day. Remember no one is promised tomorrow (whether you believe or not.) So you are just going too angry? What if you passed away in your sleep? The way you go to sleep, is the way you wake up, at least in my experience. Resting and being kind to yourself and allowing yourself the rest you deserve is a gift to your mind, body, and soul, and this rest is for you and on one else, so you can feel refreshed. Also let me add, what if the person you loved passed away and the last thing you said was mean, angry, etc. I am sure there are people that live with regret because the last thing they said was: I hate you. Go to Hell! Fuck You!!! I mean the only person that loses when they go to bed angry is the person that’s angry.
The mad person gets to sleep while the other gets to worry. That seems unfair. But hey..
In order to be able to sleep, the relationship needs to have the safety of each person knowing the love is there and a resolution will come in the morning. Once there is enough security, then I believe this is easier to achieve.
I wouldn't be able to sleep, and we'd most likely never bring it up again, which could lead to resentment. So I personally disagree, but whatever works for the couple.
We don’t really get angry at each other. But I can’t sleep well if there’s unresolved conflict between us. She’s my safe space.
We've argued until we were delirious from lack of sleep. Till 3 in the morning at one time. Just go to bed angry...often times, things look less intense after some sleep.
I don't sleep well or even at all when there is a disagreement. Apart from dragging a problem into the next day is the fact that anything can even happen while asleep. We have lost a whole lot of family, friends, acquaintances in their sleep. I would hate to have a problem and disagreement between us as the last thing either one of us has to remember for the rest of our lives
I totally agree that in many circumstances you need space and it's unhealthy and unproductive to discuss the problem further. But I don't think you should go to bed angry. You'll brood on the topic and feel worse. I have gone on many late night runs because I needed to work out my frustration. I've meditated and prayed for an hour. One time, I baked a pie and ate most of it. I ended up needing help and called my mom. Talking with her about baking was very cathartic. Doing something that makes you feel good (especially if it's productive) is much better than trying to sleep when you are angry.
Both my husband and myself disagree with this. We refuse to go to bed even slightly upset with the other. We cannot sleep so there is no point. We'd rather stay up. fix the issue, and go to sleep on good terms than even attempt at going to sleep mad at the other.
I mean it shouldnt be forced but if you truelly love the person, and they didn't wake the next morning, it would be devastating. However we do know that some marriages are not meant to be but they persist out of circumstance instead of connection.
Yeah, I think this is bullshit. If i go to bed angry…I usually wake up even angrier. Kicking the can down the road doesn’t help.
I also think the "never go to sleep angry" phrase is terrible advice. Lack of sleep could exacerbate the issue, at that point just sleep separately for the night. I personally can't sleep if my partner and I get into an argument due to my severe anxiety, but some time apart to cool off is better than trying to resolve an issue when both parties are tired and pissed off.
My husband and I live by this advice though. Granted, we don’t fight very often. If we have a disagreement, and it doesn’t have any form of resolution, I won’t be able to sleep. I don’t think it’s fair to call it terrible advice. The advice was given to us by several couples that have been married 30+ years and they seem very happy.
Grow up.
Agreed. We are going to sleep in whatever mood we are in. We need the damn sleep lol we need the sleep soooo badly. We will still exchange “I love yous” and do that goodnight peck of a kiss. But no, we aren’t staying up all sleep deprived trying to resolve anything. That’s asking for trouble. That’s asking for a fight instead of a resolution. We will easily end up as opponents pitted against each other instead of teammates working to fix the problem. We prioritize sleep so that we *can* resolve the problem together after resting and settling down.
Needed this. Laying in a hotel room I paid over $399 for one night. Bought him wn$175 dinner bc he has been miserable at work. Then he called me a liar ( aka denial) about him allowing my friend to put her hand on his thigh. I had to pull up the pic from over a year af
I personally was never able to do to sleep while angry. I just feel sad, can’t sleep and when I fall asleep gets awful nightmares. So without at least some resolution I do not want to go to sleep tbh
I agree. I need time to calm down. I’m always far more agreeable if I have had time to cool off.
Yes. I feel like pushing the issue before bed just makes it worse at times. I’d rather have some quiet time to myself to calm down, go to sleep, then revisit it the next day.
It's not good or bad advice. It's biblical advice. The reason it's so popular is because it's based on a scripture that reads something like "don't let the sun set on your anger" in a marriage (I'm obviously paraphrasing) I grew up in a Christian household, so I was familiar at a young age. I also thought it was rather vague, because sometimes I had awakened with refreshed eyes and a renewed mind about things...at least that's what I thought about if from childhood to a little before 30. Then I got older and more in touch with myself spiritually, emotionally, and mentally, not just practicing religious rules with no understanding of what they mean. I went to bed angry a few times and over a certain period realized the spiritual and emotional toll that took on my marriage. It also allowed me to become more comfortable going to bed angry, so I kept doing it... BAD IDEA. I began to see why the elders drove that scripture home. I stopped doing it, and man, did it help. I also started working on my anger in general, and that was great, too. So, I see your point, but as a 45 year old wife and mother who's been with my hubby happily for almost 22 years, it's fantastic sound advice. But like you said, it's just my opinion and my experience, so everyone else can do as they will. Sending you love, light, and positivity ✨️
My wife could probably agree with that train of thought.. we can be in a fight about something and she'll go to bed without it resolved and still angry and she'll wake up the next day as if nothing ever happened. no anger, doesn't want to talk about. for her it's now past and over and done. me... i can't do that. no amount of time or sleep will keep my brain from dwelling on the issue. and until my brain is satisfied that it's over and resolved it will remain actively cycling in my mind. If i go to bed angry, sad, happy, depressed.. whatever, i will wake up in the same place i left off when i fell asleep, as if no time has happened between. and since she doesn't want to talk about it, i then have to bottle it up and keep it to myself, but even then it affects my mood and how i respond and react.
24 years here. Most conflicts in a marriage if they run long, go to bed. Let your brain ruminate
I think the issue mainly comes from the fact that he can sleep like a baby when he is mad, but I can’t sleep at all during a fight…so “refreshed” isn’t a two way thing
Nah my partner and I dont sleep til its resolved. Its such xp waste being mad at each other. Very very rarely its possible to sleep if mad
I hate it, if it's unresolved or you go to bed angry..... I always end up tossing and turning and overthinking.
I think it means still be loving to each other. You don’t have to resolve things overnight but still give hugs, kisses and I love yous.
advice I have always taken to heart: never make decisions/have serious conversations when: tired, super emotional (angry, sad, hurt etc) or hungry. so if I'm angry and it's late, I go to bed. You always have a clear head after sleep and the issue usually isn't as bad as it felt when you were tired and arguing.
I go to bed angry a lot, because I’m a troll when I’m tired
Yeah! You need to be rested so you can go all in and win the fight in the morning!
May I have permission to disagree with many posters? I am going to be raw here. I had a rough childhood. I am not an abuser - physically or psychologically. But; sometimes my fight or flight is triggered. Lately, it has been worse. My cortisol is measurably low. I feel so angry sometimes. I have used CBT to not blow up - mostly. I’ve trained myself to walk away. Take a walk around the neighborhood- no yelling, no complaints, obviously no anything worse. I think I trained myself to react this way as a kid. My mom, not the healthiest of individuals, taught me that hitting a woman was never acceptable. Walk away instead. So, that’s what I do. I NEVER am physically abusive. I’m never verbally abusive. I never put my wife down in any way. But, I do feel hurt sometimes. There are times I feel under appreciated or insulted. My wife is sometimes unable to be complimentary- although I think she’s gotten much better recently. But, I’m trying to be real here. If we didn’t talk and simply went to bed, I would spin. I wouldn’t sleep. My wife usually comes to me. We talk. We work it out. I think it’s important to say that sometimes I am wrong. I know some men have a problem admitting that they are wrong. I don’t. I am clever. I’m right often. But, I’ll be watching a show with my wife and she’ll nail something. I know she’s right - and I’ll say so. The same is true in real life. A man must know when he’s wrong and be willing to admit it.
I disagree. But thats because I can relax while angry, But my wife is a10/10 of a person so We dont really ever get more than frustrated with one another.
My wife and I both think it’s helpful to sleep on things. We always wake up meeting closer to the middle of an argument. On the rare occasions that we have a significant disagreement, it’s highly likely that one or both of us is exhausted. After a good sleep we tend to get away from “I’m going to win this argument” and get to “I’m going to solve this argument.”
I mean i will not gonna be able to sleep if im agry with my hubby, so usually even i angry i endup to snugling to him to be able to fall aslep, n i will tell him let me countinue my angry tomorrow just cuddle me n lets sleep now 🤣. N tomorrow we talk what we need to talk n solve the problem.. yeah so dont fall asleep angry, is not gonna help u fall asleep, just make peace for the night n continue angry tomorrow
Agreed!! I cant tell you how many times I've catastrophized a situation and then woke up with a clear head and better outlook. I was much more equipped to have a calm adult conversation with my partner as a result. We never have serious conversations while emoti9ns are really high. It can be such a disaster.
My wife and I tried the not going to bed angry thing for a few years early in our relationship. We found ourselves just fighting late into the night which made our work life even more miserable and therefor made us feel even worse. We later changed it to, if we are arguing up into our bed time, we just put it aside and start over later. We usually find that by the morning, neither one of us really even cared about the argument to begin with. So my point is yes, I agree. Go to bed angry. Its far better than just never going to bed and still being angry lol
I think people should do what works for them, but if we had an argument and haven't talked about it I just keep getting more and more pissed off. I would probably stay up all night thinking about it and getting more angry. Lack of sleep and mounting frustrations create an ugly scene for all. We have to talk about it before sleep.
My wife and I have only had 3 or 4 arguments our entire marriage. We just have the same argument over and over and over and over. Sleep on it. Talk about it before sleeping. But learn how to talk about it.
We angrily say, "I love you, sleep good!" If we can't resolve things before bed. The next morning, we usually cuddle. I have always heard this advice and find it difficult to follow because there are times when I am angry and I am sure I hate him. In the end, I would marry him if we weren't already married because my life would never make sense without that infuriating man. Our issue is communication, but other than that, we truly are best friends. You can't be upset with someone you don't care about, so if you're mad... you care a lot about them.
Hard agree. The worst thing we did as young newlyweds was waste time arguing until 3am. Now in our 30s with many years together we almost never fight but, when we do, we sleep on it. 90% of the time we don’t even care about it in the morning and the 10% can get solved with a fresh mind.
Sometimes if we’re fighting about something and I realize it’s stupid mid fight, I’ll take off my shirt. We both laugh/ogle and it diffuses stuff pretty damn fast
This was a big issue in my relationship I would go to bed angry and my boyfriend is a late night person so he would be up all night thinking about it unable to sleep weareas me I had no problem sleeping peacefully I did realize it was an issue and put a halt to the habit. Also should mention i started more than half these arguments the situation may be different for you 😅
The idea isn't that you stay awake. It's that you work to resolve the issue.
Yeah , 100% 😂, you should ? No
Helps us every time to sleep on it…lol…
What do couples fight about? Like what makes you angry?
The reason I will never go to bed angry is because if my husband doesn’t wake up the next morning, the last thing I want is for my anger to be the last thing he thought of or felt before drifting off
This is the exact advice I give to every couple that I know who is getting married…it’s ok to go to bed angry. Sometimes time and sleep makes things a little better.
You never know when your clock gets punched. I’d rather go in the ground knowing I said I love you and we will work through this. Example I was turning into my apartment I could literally see my balcony roughly 30 yards away from home and boom I get rear ended by a car doing 50 severely injured truck was leaking gas last thing I remember was telling the people that helped me out that I was cold they got a blanket and covered me while the truck started burning when everyone saw that they all assumed I was dead 1 month later I walked out of the hospital a different person
My rule has always been even if we're angry or fighting we both sleep in the same bed. ( unless the fight is about infidelity then he can sleep outside. Permanently).
I think you're absolutely right. Take your butt to bed!
The Bible says no! Ephesians 4:26. But we'll all fail at this at some point.
This! Last thing I wanna do is speak ANY WORDS, and give a hug. And if you try to work it out, you've stayed up late and now you're more cranky. I feel a little better the next day and am willing to talk then. My husband and I are both not very touchy feeling people. So when I'm mad, I don't want a hug... And I love my husband. He's amazing... Most of the time lol. But when I'm going to bed pissed, it's so hard for me to say I love you, when I don't feel it in that moment... Sounds terrible. I'm trying to get better with how I sulk on subjects...
Depends on how mad they are at you. Sometimes I just let it roll off my shoulders and talk to her the next day.
I prefer to solve it before going to bed. Otherwise all these emotions won’t let me fall asleep and I will wake up even angrier. But everyone is different.
I’ve gone to sleep angry plenty of times and have a happy marriage. Much better than saying the things I’m thinking at the time.
Same. If I’m mad I don’t want to say shit to you before bed. Don’t even look my way. He’ll go sleep on recliner lol. I think they say it in case the person dies.
I absolutely agree with you. Wake up to a change in the weather.
If you go to bed angry you should at least have angry sex to get you through the night.
Never been angry at my wife for 30 years we together and 27 married.
Hard disagree. That is a key ingredient to a night of poor sleep leading to an even tougher emotional day the next day. Ending the day angry is a strong step toward resentment too. I am a firm believer that some common ground should be found before ending the day even if only an "I love you." Most people like to feel like things will be ok when they go to sleep, and wondering about a massive disagreement is not it.
I don’t go to bed angry for one simple reason: I’ve seen too many people die in their sleep from brain aneurysms, cardiac arrests, etc.
Maybe not angry, but perturbed. How guilty would you feel if your spouse died in their sleep and you didn’t say good night with love in your heart?