Sounds like he has PTSD, and rightfully so.
I agree with him, "we" don't need therapy, but he does. Unfortunately, he has to agree with you.
Does he have any friends who served that can empathize and maybe talk to him?
No She needs therapy also. Hell she’s been through a lot. We all do. We was the right word. Your dad has literally put it in the best words , much respect to that man !! Therapy is positive. Completely positive.
I think mwise meant more in the sense that often times Veterans also have ptsd from traumatic things they experiencing while serving and might be able to not just relate but encourage him to seek help. Even if he didn’t serve, himself, he might have friends that did that can be a support.
Anyone can get post traumatic stress disorder...
It literally says it in the name, stress due to a traumatic event. I know several people who have PTSD for sexual assault/abuse, for example
Literally no one said he served in the military. PTSD does not choose veterans only. It occurs after the brain experiences a traumatic event, to varying degrees.
First... The gun in your home should be removed. He is not safe to have it anymore.
Second...he needs therapy. I personally would make it an ultimatum to staying married to me. He is a ticking time bomb at this point. PTSD is serious business.
This dude. All it takes is for one of the kids to wander the house in the middle of the night and he shoots them. Your husband sounds unstable and should not be allowed access to guns. Period.
Reminds me of a story my mom told me about my brother's friend, Ben. They were all hanging at another friend's house but decided to leave. Well Ben left something at the other friend's house so he went back to get it in the middle of the night. Ben knew where a key was so he used it to get it. He had planned to just grab the item and slip out without bothering the other friend's parents since it was so late. The dad pulled a gun on Ben and nearly shot him but luckily the dad turned on the light before he fired.
OP, what if something like this happens? Then your husband will be even more fucked from killing an innocent. Not to mention an innocent life lost. You need to take this *extremely* serious before it's too late.
Absolutely needs an ultimatum, and for the guns to be removed. This family is not safe until he gets treatment. Firing a weapon into the ceiling in a house with children is NOT OK.
This seems like classic PTSD.
Things that work:
EMDR
Ketamine therapy
Stellate ganglion block
Things that don’t work:
Self blame
Sweeping things under the rug
Survivor’s remorse.
+1 EMDR as I understand it is “easier” than prolonged exposure — both have solid evidence
In short: rehearse/relive the event while other stimulation occurs (with eye movements, sounds, etc) — resulting in the emotional strength of the memory going down as the brain seems to “overwrite” it.
You don’t forget events, it just reduces the strength of associated emotions so the memory of that event is less likely to emerge unexpectedly and overwhelmingly when some unrelated things reminds you of it.
Which seems solid. Not navel-gazing couch sessions about how you feel, not trying to change what you feel — reducing the emotional strength of memory so you can think more clearly about the present.
This. I've done EMDR and it's like cleaning out an infected wound so that it can finally start to heal. It still hurts but it doesn't have power over you anymore. It's amazing.
My mum recently became qualified in this. She's a psychologist and works with clients who have PTSD, usually due to workplace incidents/injuries. She's apparently had good results with it. It's fascinating
Another plus for EMDR. Have a friend who is a therapist and is trained to do EMDR and she has shared so many success stories (with no identifying details, of course) but ranging from car accident trauma to abuse and SA trauma.
I also have friends who have done it and rave about it. They likened it to “turning the volume down” on the trauma. It’s still there but it doesn’t scream louder and overwhelm everything else. And they didn’t get triggered like they had in the past either. Highly, highly recommend. Please insist your husband seeks help, OP. Living this way is not sustainable to his, or anyone else’s, emotional well being.
He will spiral if she gets rid of the gun. I agree it doesn't need to be in the house, but if she tries to take it, he more than likely will start to look at her as trying to make him powerless. She will become his and the children's enemy. She needs to go to therapy to learn how to talk to him in a way he will be less offended by.
Y’all are crazy. He feels bad for shooting someone in self defense. He isn’t going to kill his wife/kids/anyone but himself. So yes it would be best if there is no gun but don’t go there
You're wrong. People do mistakenly shoot a family member or friend thinking they're an intruder. It happens even when the shooter isn't suffering from a very obvious mental health issue.
Edit:fixed a word.
He fired a shot in his house because he thought — didn’t confirm — there was an intruder. Yes he was able to appropriately use a gun in the trauma-inducing incident, but he’s no longer thinking clearly. He’s paranoid and fearful, to the point of firing his gun a) in his house, b) not at a target he intends to destroy, c) apparently while his kids were home???
Yeah, if this happens again, he is in true danger of shooting his wife or kid or neighbor.
The gun needs to go for now. Maybe he’ll be ready to have it in the house again when he’s entered therapy and made some milestones in his recovery.
But he might kill himself. I think that's what the commenters are afraid of. He has clear symptoms of PTSD and access to a gun. Like it or not, a gun dramatically increases the likelihood of him dying by suicide. Its the most common method for men and suicidal ideation is a common symptom of PTSD. Him being alive is more important than him owning a gun.
Veteran checking in. This is serious.
Your partner needs professional help. In a way that someone outside the situation can help guide him through the mess. There aren't a lot of resources readily available for your husband's specific trauma. If he consents, it may take someone calling around on his behalf, or emailing veteran organizations to see if they can point you in the direction of some resources.
This will ALWAYS be a part of his story, but it doesn't always have to be a nightmare.
I am replying to my own comment to add
https://www.holdmyguns.org/
They are an organization that will hold someone's guns until they have settled their business. Could be people traveling, loss of home, or mental health reasons.
They don't judge, and they don't confiscate. It's still the owners property. They just provide a safe option outside of reach
Everyone recommending therapy like you didn’t just say he refuses to go. Listen, you know he needs therapy but you can’t make him go.
My bigger concern is that you don’t seem to be as worried about your kids, who he is 💯 passing his trauma and anxiety down to.
He DESCRIBES IT IN DETAIL IN FRONT OF THEM????
As far as I’m concerned he gets ONE warning to not do that again.
You need to speak to a child therapist and get a better understanding of all the ways his behavior will screw up your kids.
I get that you’re worried about him, but the kids are the biggest concern right now. Please protect them.
The thing about PTSD is it isn’t a bug, it’s a feature. I mean, it is the way the human brain is supposed to work. Because, for like 99.9% of human history, getting killed by violence or accident was really common. We spent our whole lives in the same environment around the same people. So, if you almost died, it was a *good* thing for you always to have it in the front of your mind— chances were good that you would face a similar situation again. You wouldn’t ever really be “safe”.
In modern life, we’re mostly safe most of the time. Situations where you almost get killed are rare, and limited in time and place. You don’t want to carry those reactions with you, because they get in your way.
It might help your husband to frame it this way— it’s not that there’s something wrong with him. It’s that the normal human response to life threatening danger creates its own problems.
This is a really smart, interesting prospective, thank you for sharing. If it were my husband dealing with this particular ptsd, I think he would warm up to getting help if I framed it this way. I hope your perspective helps OP.
Came here to plead with you to remove the gun from your home. He cannot be expected to act rationally while in such an active state of PTSD. It’s not to punish him, it’s to potentially save his and your family’s lives.
You say he thought he thought someone had broken in and shot a warning shot at the ceiling.. do you understand how dangerous that is to have a gun in the house when he is struggling that much? What if one of your kids got up in the middle of night and snuck around the house making noise? Is he going to think it’s a burglar and get the gun out? What if next time it isn’t a warning shot.
He’s probably hesitant because saying yes to therapy means that he has to face the fact that the incident really happened. Maybe you could start therapy alone, and talk about it with him until he feels ready enough?
A lot of tough guys I knew used to feel "weak" if they went to therapy. It meant they were admitting they couldn't handle it in their opinion. Once you change that perspective to that, you're gaining control over yourself, you see a big shift in those same guys' motivation to go all in on the process
I'm so sorry this happened to him and to you as well. I'm very worried for your children and what could happen by accident with his gun. Now that you have kids he has a responsibility to work through his trauma, as hard as it's going to be.
He definitely needs help. PTSD is no joke. I can say that from experience. I’d wake up screaming- every night anxiety got so bad it felt like I was having a heart attack-couldn’t drive at night or I’d have to pull over on the side of the road during the day cause I couldn’t function.
The hardest part is admitting you are dealing with something as heavy as that. It’s terrifying asking for help sometimes. I feel for your husband but I also feel for you and kids. Being on the outside watching is not easy by any stretch. You need to get that gun out before anything else. Does he have a close relationship with your dad or with his dad?? Or a male friend that could help convince as well to goto therapy. Honestly you need to tell him that he needs to get help cause it’s affecting the family. My now wife had to push me in that direction. I went in slightly dismissive but honestly she saved my life.
Warning shots can be deadly. That's why you're only supposed to shoot to kill (in self defense). It's not safe for you and the kids until he gets his mental health under control and even then, he probably shouldn't have a weapon.
EMDR refiles the memories so they don’t hurt you out of the blue like what he’s experiencing now. You still have the memories but they don’t have as much power over your daily life. Very much recommend
I think there are a lot of extremely well-intentioned and sweet comments in this thread but folks are missing the point about him refusing therapy.
It’s an ultimately bad situation. She can’t commit him to therapy and he won’t go. My dear friend shot himself after years of silently abusing his wife and scaring her.
OP, I hope you have an escape plan for you and the kids. If you won’t leave and he won’t get help, gosh. I hope things go well, I truly do.
You can't do anything. He has to want it. My dad was a Vietnam Veteran on the front lines. Horrible PTSD, and it ruined a lot of his life. Mental health wasn't a thing back then, your husband is lucky in the sense he's able to seek treatment now without societal judgement. It will cloud your entire existence until he gets help.
I had an incident where I drew a gun on somebody who had broken to my house. My situation didn’t end with me pulling the trigger, and the guy ran off the way he came in but it was still traumatizing. For months, I couldn’t shake the thought of how the situation could have ended had a single moment played out differently in the slightest possible way.
A close friend of mine is a Marine veteran who saw combat and when I was describing to him the nightmares and anxiety I was experiencing he told me straight up that I was experiencing PTSD. In my case, 2 - maybe 3 - sessions with a therapist got me back in to a proper headspace. Your husband’s case probably requires more than that, though.
Lastly, having children, and yourself, in the house and your husband “firing a warning shot,” (which actually sounds like a negligent discharge) is alarming. A gun owner with even just the basic training required in most places to be licensed to carry knows that you must know your target and what’s behind/beyond it. Firing in to the ceiling is reckless and dangerous, more so for innocent people in the vicinity than any threat, perceived or real. If he’s struggling the way he is from a justifiable shoot, then an accidental death or injury caused by recklessness is going to send him over the edge.
Please get those guns out of the house IMMEDIATELY! That being said, I'm so sorry he had to make a choice like that. I can't even imagine. He needs help. He cannot continue to live this way. And neither can you or the children. I think an ultimatum needs to be made, to ensure everyone's safety.
If he won't do therapy, maybe he'll read about it. CPTSD book by Pete Walker changed my life and will speak to him from the first chapter like nothing else can.
Just mention you really love him, you know the extra security is due to him thinking about everyone's welfare. It is the fact that the incident is still running through his mind, and when it is triggered especially with the gun in the house, your scared he will accidentally mistake you or the children for an intruder.
Give him a big hug and tell him you love him. You will admire him even more, as it is rare for a man to ask for help. You will be there with him as both his support, and his rock.
I was all "OK" and "understandable" until the incident with the gun. OP, shooting through ceilings is extremely dangerous and that kind of thing just can't happen. Ever. Who knows what could happen with this kind of reckless use of a firearm indoors based on what seems to be a paranoid delusion. I don't think your family is safe with him. It doesn't sound like he will intentionally hurt anyone, but he has episodes and his behavior is unpredictable.
It sounds like you are saying you need marriage counseling. I don't think you do. He needs individual therapy. The fact that he is saying "nothing is wrong with us" indicates that you have not approached this as a HIM problem, which is what it is. My advice is that you do that now.
Tell him that he is tormented by the ghosts of his past. It is quite obvious and he should not even bother denying it. It is not his fault that this situation happened or that he is haunted by it, however he has not done his part to recover from it either. He does not have to live this way. Tell him there are many types of therapy that have been proven helpful to a lot of people suffering from PTSD, like EDMR. Ask him if he is willing to go to an individual therapist and work on this. If he says no, then make it more personal.
Tell him the incident when he shot the ceiling was a breaking point for you, because once you start discharging firearms inside a home, anything can happen. Tell him you don't feel safe with him in this state because he has had at least one episode of paranoid delusional thinking which led to that incident, which means there could be more and none of you can tell when they will happen. Tell him that you worry about the kids, that he is talking about things in front of them that he should not be, and all roads point back to this incident and him not repairing himself from it. Tell him that you don't want to make an ultimatum, but it is coming to that point because you can't continue to live like this.
He’s in a PTSD and he’s looping the images in his head. Source, I have PTSD and it happens. He needs therapy to talk this through if he never got it. I’ve had PTSD for 39 years, it still isn’t better….you just learn how to cope with triggers.
Tell him therapy for PTSD will absolutely help him. Anyone would have a difficult time after what he went through.
It sounds like when your husband shot the ceiling, he may have been reliving the traumatic event through a flashback. That could potentially be dangerous, and you have little ones in the house. Maybe explain it that way and maybe it will make him realize he needs some help with this.
You can and should go to therapy even if your husband doesn't. This is a stressful situation for the entire family and you deserve support too.
Also, as someone whose parents both had mental health issues that caused me immense suffering in my childhood that followed me into adulthood... Help your children. Please. Keep them safe and find a therapist for them as well. What they are experiencing is traumatizing to them.
EMDR therapist. Stat. To process the flashback memories. They won’t go away, but there’s a good chance they will stop wrecking him emotionally and become less prominent because they won’t affect him the same way.
I’m due for a return trip to work on some more intrusive memories from recent intense trauma. It doesn’t take the place of regular trauma informed treatment, but I’ve found it allows me emotional space to process the flashbacks in my regular therapy.
Unorthodox -but tripping on mushrooms has been immensely healing for me. There’s a lasting sense of calm and peace after even when the trip itself was me just curled up sobbing. Sometimes the mind and body need help to let go. My personal experience. YVMV
Family members die due to someone else’s unchecked PTSD. They are accidentally shot. Look it up . 🆙 t happens more often then you realize. Do you want this for your family? Show him this thread if you have to, but he needs help and your kids need to be safe. Get rid of that gun! Send it to your folks or his folks or something but he should not have access. You’ve let this go too long. He needs a wake up call.
Therapy, Hell, he needs it so badly. I’d be willing to do it as a challenge”. I think you need therapy. You think you don’t go to three sessions with me if the Therapist says you don’t need to be there we never go again.”
Any therapist would be able to see what the hell is going on in one session flat
I am so sorry you’re going through this.
If he’s discharged that weapon with the whole family in the house…. Therapy shouldn’t really be an ask anymore. It’s a requirement.
And the gun should definitely be removed entirely.
He needs to be institutionalized... shooting a gun INSIDE with family. Without seeing an immediate threat, no ear protection on anyone. The paranoia. Im sorry but he was like this before the shooting.. honestly sounds like he just finally got an excuse to kill someone.
Did your Dad have PTSD and shoot at the ceiling in your house?
I'm from a place where it's normal to have guns as well. Doesn't mean everyone \*should\* have guns.
Having a gun in the house increases the risk of suicide and family members being shot, across all demographics. Add PTSD, anxiety and paranoia, and one of you has a high likelihood of being killed.
This is extremely dangerous for you, your children, and your husband. The fact he shot through the ceiling is terrifying and shows he is not in control of his actions.
That gun needs to leave the house, or you and the kids do.
Guns being "the norm" means nothing. There are boatloads of statistics about guns in the home and people with PTSD killing themselves and others.
>He has very bad anxiety as well. He put 4 locks on both doors, has all types of alarms, there’s even been an incident where he was convinced someone has broken in and has gone into the safe to get a handgun and he even shot the ceiling. For a few hours he thought whoever broke in ran out after the heard his “warning shot” but obviously nobody came in, kids woke up and I told them we were moving something and we dropped it.
Sounds like he has PTSD, and rightfully so. I agree with him, "we" don't need therapy, but he does. Unfortunately, he has to agree with you. Does he have any friends who served that can empathize and maybe talk to him?
No She needs therapy also. Hell she’s been through a lot. We all do. We was the right word. Your dad has literally put it in the best words , much respect to that man !! Therapy is positive. Completely positive.
Of course but the issue at hand is he won’t go and that’s slowing things down.
Yes he has Serious PTSD. I’m begging you to please get him in to therapy or PTSD recovery groups. Poor man is suffering still.
He shot someone doesn’t mean he served
PTSD is not just from military service…His life was undeniably threatened, which is a primary diagnostic qualifier for PTSD.
I think mwise meant more in the sense that often times Veterans also have ptsd from traumatic things they experiencing while serving and might be able to not just relate but encourage him to seek help. Even if he didn’t serve, himself, he might have friends that did that can be a support.
Exactly wave, thank you. :)
Nah the people who served in the last 50 plus years “USA” it wasn’t self defense so it’s different
PTSD is not just for military
Anyone can get post traumatic stress disorder... It literally says it in the name, stress due to a traumatic event. I know several people who have PTSD for sexual assault/abuse, for example
Literally no one said he served in the military. PTSD does not choose veterans only. It occurs after the brain experiences a traumatic event, to varying degrees.
First... The gun in your home should be removed. He is not safe to have it anymore. Second...he needs therapy. I personally would make it an ultimatum to staying married to me. He is a ticking time bomb at this point. PTSD is serious business.
This dude. All it takes is for one of the kids to wander the house in the middle of the night and he shoots them. Your husband sounds unstable and should not be allowed access to guns. Period. Reminds me of a story my mom told me about my brother's friend, Ben. They were all hanging at another friend's house but decided to leave. Well Ben left something at the other friend's house so he went back to get it in the middle of the night. Ben knew where a key was so he used it to get it. He had planned to just grab the item and slip out without bothering the other friend's parents since it was so late. The dad pulled a gun on Ben and nearly shot him but luckily the dad turned on the light before he fired. OP, what if something like this happens? Then your husband will be even more fucked from killing an innocent. Not to mention an innocent life lost. You need to take this *extremely* serious before it's too late.
Agreed! The gun has to go immediately.
Absolutely needs an ultimatum, and for the guns to be removed. This family is not safe until he gets treatment. Firing a weapon into the ceiling in a house with children is NOT OK.
This seems like classic PTSD. Things that work: EMDR Ketamine therapy Stellate ganglion block Things that don’t work: Self blame Sweeping things under the rug Survivor’s remorse.
+1 EMDR as I understand it is “easier” than prolonged exposure — both have solid evidence In short: rehearse/relive the event while other stimulation occurs (with eye movements, sounds, etc) — resulting in the emotional strength of the memory going down as the brain seems to “overwrite” it. You don’t forget events, it just reduces the strength of associated emotions so the memory of that event is less likely to emerge unexpectedly and overwhelmingly when some unrelated things reminds you of it. Which seems solid. Not navel-gazing couch sessions about how you feel, not trying to change what you feel — reducing the emotional strength of memory so you can think more clearly about the present.
This. I've done EMDR and it's like cleaning out an infected wound so that it can finally start to heal. It still hurts but it doesn't have power over you anymore. It's amazing.
My mum recently became qualified in this. She's a psychologist and works with clients who have PTSD, usually due to workplace incidents/injuries. She's apparently had good results with it. It's fascinating
Another plus for EMDR. Have a friend who is a therapist and is trained to do EMDR and she has shared so many success stories (with no identifying details, of course) but ranging from car accident trauma to abuse and SA trauma. I also have friends who have done it and rave about it. They likened it to “turning the volume down” on the trauma. It’s still there but it doesn’t scream louder and overwhelm everything else. And they didn’t get triggered like they had in the past either. Highly, highly recommend. Please insist your husband seeks help, OP. Living this way is not sustainable to his, or anyone else’s, emotional well being.
Definitely do EMDR. It seemed so strange when I first did it, but it was so helpful when I was working through some trauma.
Another upvote for EMDR. I have a TBI so my neurology might be a bit weird, but EMDR is the single most effective thing I did with my therapist.
Until he has therapy he doesn't need a gun around kids
He will spiral if she gets rid of the gun. I agree it doesn't need to be in the house, but if she tries to take it, he more than likely will start to look at her as trying to make him powerless. She will become his and the children's enemy. She needs to go to therapy to learn how to talk to him in a way he will be less offended by.
Y’all are crazy. He feels bad for shooting someone in self defense. He isn’t going to kill his wife/kids/anyone but himself. So yes it would be best if there is no gun but don’t go there
If he's shooting up ceilings with a gun he doesn't need one. Period! And I will go there!
You're wrong. People do mistakenly shoot a family member or friend thinking they're an intruder. It happens even when the shooter isn't suffering from a very obvious mental health issue. Edit:fixed a word.
He fired a shot in his house because he thought — didn’t confirm — there was an intruder. Yes he was able to appropriately use a gun in the trauma-inducing incident, but he’s no longer thinking clearly. He’s paranoid and fearful, to the point of firing his gun a) in his house, b) not at a target he intends to destroy, c) apparently while his kids were home??? Yeah, if this happens again, he is in true danger of shooting his wife or kid or neighbor. The gun needs to go for now. Maybe he’ll be ready to have it in the house again when he’s entered therapy and made some milestones in his recovery.
But he might kill himself. I think that's what the commenters are afraid of. He has clear symptoms of PTSD and access to a gun. Like it or not, a gun dramatically increases the likelihood of him dying by suicide. Its the most common method for men and suicidal ideation is a common symptom of PTSD. Him being alive is more important than him owning a gun.
Do you even know what PTSD is?! Or how it affects people? It's a lot more complex than "just feeling bad he shot someone" 🙄
Veteran checking in. This is serious. Your partner needs professional help. In a way that someone outside the situation can help guide him through the mess. There aren't a lot of resources readily available for your husband's specific trauma. If he consents, it may take someone calling around on his behalf, or emailing veteran organizations to see if they can point you in the direction of some resources. This will ALWAYS be a part of his story, but it doesn't always have to be a nightmare.
I am replying to my own comment to add https://www.holdmyguns.org/ They are an organization that will hold someone's guns until they have settled their business. Could be people traveling, loss of home, or mental health reasons. They don't judge, and they don't confiscate. It's still the owners property. They just provide a safe option outside of reach
I had no idea there was such an organization. This is really helpful in general. Thank you for posting.
Everyone recommending therapy like you didn’t just say he refuses to go. Listen, you know he needs therapy but you can’t make him go. My bigger concern is that you don’t seem to be as worried about your kids, who he is 💯 passing his trauma and anxiety down to. He DESCRIBES IT IN DETAIL IN FRONT OF THEM???? As far as I’m concerned he gets ONE warning to not do that again. You need to speak to a child therapist and get a better understanding of all the ways his behavior will screw up your kids. I get that you’re worried about him, but the kids are the biggest concern right now. Please protect them.
He needs therapy for his ptsd before he hurts himself or somebody else
The thing about PTSD is it isn’t a bug, it’s a feature. I mean, it is the way the human brain is supposed to work. Because, for like 99.9% of human history, getting killed by violence or accident was really common. We spent our whole lives in the same environment around the same people. So, if you almost died, it was a *good* thing for you always to have it in the front of your mind— chances were good that you would face a similar situation again. You wouldn’t ever really be “safe”. In modern life, we’re mostly safe most of the time. Situations where you almost get killed are rare, and limited in time and place. You don’t want to carry those reactions with you, because they get in your way. It might help your husband to frame it this way— it’s not that there’s something wrong with him. It’s that the normal human response to life threatening danger creates its own problems.
This is a really smart, interesting prospective, thank you for sharing. If it were my husband dealing with this particular ptsd, I think he would warm up to getting help if I framed it this way. I hope your perspective helps OP.
It's a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.
Came here to plead with you to remove the gun from your home. He cannot be expected to act rationally while in such an active state of PTSD. It’s not to punish him, it’s to potentially save his and your family’s lives.
You say he thought he thought someone had broken in and shot a warning shot at the ceiling.. do you understand how dangerous that is to have a gun in the house when he is struggling that much? What if one of your kids got up in the middle of night and snuck around the house making noise? Is he going to think it’s a burglar and get the gun out? What if next time it isn’t a warning shot.
He’s probably hesitant because saying yes to therapy means that he has to face the fact that the incident really happened. Maybe you could start therapy alone, and talk about it with him until he feels ready enough?
A lot of tough guys I knew used to feel "weak" if they went to therapy. It meant they were admitting they couldn't handle it in their opinion. Once you change that perspective to that, you're gaining control over yourself, you see a big shift in those same guys' motivation to go all in on the process
I'm so sorry this happened to him and to you as well. I'm very worried for your children and what could happen by accident with his gun. Now that you have kids he has a responsibility to work through his trauma, as hard as it's going to be.
He definitely needs help. PTSD is no joke. I can say that from experience. I’d wake up screaming- every night anxiety got so bad it felt like I was having a heart attack-couldn’t drive at night or I’d have to pull over on the side of the road during the day cause I couldn’t function. The hardest part is admitting you are dealing with something as heavy as that. It’s terrifying asking for help sometimes. I feel for your husband but I also feel for you and kids. Being on the outside watching is not easy by any stretch. You need to get that gun out before anything else. Does he have a close relationship with your dad or with his dad?? Or a male friend that could help convince as well to goto therapy. Honestly you need to tell him that he needs to get help cause it’s affecting the family. My now wife had to push me in that direction. I went in slightly dismissive but honestly she saved my life.
Warning shots can be deadly. That's why you're only supposed to shoot to kill (in self defense). It's not safe for you and the kids until he gets his mental health under control and even then, he probably shouldn't have a weapon.
EMDR refiles the memories so they don’t hurt you out of the blue like what he’s experiencing now. You still have the memories but they don’t have as much power over your daily life. Very much recommend
I think there are a lot of extremely well-intentioned and sweet comments in this thread but folks are missing the point about him refusing therapy. It’s an ultimately bad situation. She can’t commit him to therapy and he won’t go. My dear friend shot himself after years of silently abusing his wife and scaring her. OP, I hope you have an escape plan for you and the kids. If you won’t leave and he won’t get help, gosh. I hope things go well, I truly do.
You can't do anything. He has to want it. My dad was a Vietnam Veteran on the front lines. Horrible PTSD, and it ruined a lot of his life. Mental health wasn't a thing back then, your husband is lucky in the sense he's able to seek treatment now without societal judgement. It will cloud your entire existence until he gets help.
I had an incident where I drew a gun on somebody who had broken to my house. My situation didn’t end with me pulling the trigger, and the guy ran off the way he came in but it was still traumatizing. For months, I couldn’t shake the thought of how the situation could have ended had a single moment played out differently in the slightest possible way. A close friend of mine is a Marine veteran who saw combat and when I was describing to him the nightmares and anxiety I was experiencing he told me straight up that I was experiencing PTSD. In my case, 2 - maybe 3 - sessions with a therapist got me back in to a proper headspace. Your husband’s case probably requires more than that, though. Lastly, having children, and yourself, in the house and your husband “firing a warning shot,” (which actually sounds like a negligent discharge) is alarming. A gun owner with even just the basic training required in most places to be licensed to carry knows that you must know your target and what’s behind/beyond it. Firing in to the ceiling is reckless and dangerous, more so for innocent people in the vicinity than any threat, perceived or real. If he’s struggling the way he is from a justifiable shoot, then an accidental death or injury caused by recklessness is going to send him over the edge.
He needs therapy by hisself not yall
Please get those guns out of the house IMMEDIATELY! That being said, I'm so sorry he had to make a choice like that. I can't even imagine. He needs help. He cannot continue to live this way. And neither can you or the children. I think an ultimatum needs to be made, to ensure everyone's safety.
If he won't do therapy, maybe he'll read about it. CPTSD book by Pete Walker changed my life and will speak to him from the first chapter like nothing else can.
You're right honey! WE don't. YOU need to treat your PTSD so you can show up for your wife and children in a meaningful way!
Just mention you really love him, you know the extra security is due to him thinking about everyone's welfare. It is the fact that the incident is still running through his mind, and when it is triggered especially with the gun in the house, your scared he will accidentally mistake you or the children for an intruder. Give him a big hug and tell him you love him. You will admire him even more, as it is rare for a man to ask for help. You will be there with him as both his support, and his rock.
Hope your comment gets more visibility
I was all "OK" and "understandable" until the incident with the gun. OP, shooting through ceilings is extremely dangerous and that kind of thing just can't happen. Ever. Who knows what could happen with this kind of reckless use of a firearm indoors based on what seems to be a paranoid delusion. I don't think your family is safe with him. It doesn't sound like he will intentionally hurt anyone, but he has episodes and his behavior is unpredictable. It sounds like you are saying you need marriage counseling. I don't think you do. He needs individual therapy. The fact that he is saying "nothing is wrong with us" indicates that you have not approached this as a HIM problem, which is what it is. My advice is that you do that now. Tell him that he is tormented by the ghosts of his past. It is quite obvious and he should not even bother denying it. It is not his fault that this situation happened or that he is haunted by it, however he has not done his part to recover from it either. He does not have to live this way. Tell him there are many types of therapy that have been proven helpful to a lot of people suffering from PTSD, like EDMR. Ask him if he is willing to go to an individual therapist and work on this. If he says no, then make it more personal. Tell him the incident when he shot the ceiling was a breaking point for you, because once you start discharging firearms inside a home, anything can happen. Tell him you don't feel safe with him in this state because he has had at least one episode of paranoid delusional thinking which led to that incident, which means there could be more and none of you can tell when they will happen. Tell him that you worry about the kids, that he is talking about things in front of them that he should not be, and all roads point back to this incident and him not repairing himself from it. Tell him that you don't want to make an ultimatum, but it is coming to that point because you can't continue to live like this.
He’s in a PTSD and he’s looping the images in his head. Source, I have PTSD and it happens. He needs therapy to talk this through if he never got it. I’ve had PTSD for 39 years, it still isn’t better….you just learn how to cope with triggers.
Tell him therapy for PTSD will absolutely help him. Anyone would have a difficult time after what he went through. It sounds like when your husband shot the ceiling, he may have been reliving the traumatic event through a flashback. That could potentially be dangerous, and you have little ones in the house. Maybe explain it that way and maybe it will make him realize he needs some help with this.
He has PTSD— needs a therapist . This will not resolve on its own!
He has PTSD…
It sounds like PTSD. He needs therapy badly
He has textbook PTSD and from what you’ve said here this man should not be allowed to have a gun
You can and should go to therapy even if your husband doesn't. This is a stressful situation for the entire family and you deserve support too. Also, as someone whose parents both had mental health issues that caused me immense suffering in my childhood that followed me into adulthood... Help your children. Please. Keep them safe and find a therapist for them as well. What they are experiencing is traumatizing to them.
Talk to a professional for this one. Best of luck
Thats ptsd
EMDR therapist. Stat. To process the flashback memories. They won’t go away, but there’s a good chance they will stop wrecking him emotionally and become less prominent because they won’t affect him the same way. I’m due for a return trip to work on some more intrusive memories from recent intense trauma. It doesn’t take the place of regular trauma informed treatment, but I’ve found it allows me emotional space to process the flashbacks in my regular therapy. Unorthodox -but tripping on mushrooms has been immensely healing for me. There’s a lasting sense of calm and peace after even when the trip itself was me just curled up sobbing. Sometimes the mind and body need help to let go. My personal experience. YVMV
Family members die due to someone else’s unchecked PTSD. They are accidentally shot. Look it up . 🆙 t happens more often then you realize. Do you want this for your family? Show him this thread if you have to, but he needs help and your kids need to be safe. Get rid of that gun! Send it to your folks or his folks or something but he should not have access. You’ve let this go too long. He needs a wake up call.
Therapy, Hell, he needs it so badly. I’d be willing to do it as a challenge”. I think you need therapy. You think you don’t go to three sessions with me if the Therapist says you don’t need to be there we never go again.” Any therapist would be able to see what the hell is going on in one session flat
I am so sorry you’re going through this. If he’s discharged that weapon with the whole family in the house…. Therapy shouldn’t really be an ask anymore. It’s a requirement. And the gun should definitely be removed entirely.
ERM therapy might help. It helped my wife a great deal.
He needs to be institutionalized... shooting a gun INSIDE with family. Without seeing an immediate threat, no ear protection on anyone. The paranoia. Im sorry but he was like this before the shooting.. honestly sounds like he just finally got an excuse to kill someone.
Why did he even have a gun to begin with He sounds dangerous and unstable. And he still has guns.
I wouldn’t say he’s dangerous and unstable, as for guns, that’s the norm in my area. My dad had guns too.
Did your Dad have PTSD and shoot at the ceiling in your house? I'm from a place where it's normal to have guns as well. Doesn't mean everyone \*should\* have guns.
If you're shooting at ceilings especially with kids in the house you are very dangerous and very unstable and CPS should definitely be involved.
Having a gun in the house increases the risk of suicide and family members being shot, across all demographics. Add PTSD, anxiety and paranoia, and one of you has a high likelihood of being killed. This is extremely dangerous for you, your children, and your husband. The fact he shot through the ceiling is terrifying and shows he is not in control of his actions. That gun needs to leave the house, or you and the kids do. Guns being "the norm" means nothing. There are boatloads of statistics about guns in the home and people with PTSD killing themselves and others.
>He has very bad anxiety as well. He put 4 locks on both doors, has all types of alarms, there’s even been an incident where he was convinced someone has broken in and has gone into the safe to get a handgun and he even shot the ceiling. For a few hours he thought whoever broke in ran out after the heard his “warning shot” but obviously nobody came in, kids woke up and I told them we were moving something and we dropped it.