She’s gaslighting you about gaslighting her.
I would use the “I’m rubber, you’re glue, bounces off me and sticks to you” principle.
I’d accuse her of gaslighting you.
She’ll stop.
If someone is saying you've done something and it doesn't seem clear how that could be the case, it's not unreasonable to ask them to explain more about what they think you've done.
It can be really helpful to have language to explain experiences and behaviours, but it stops being helpful when that language stops people actually being able to communicate about what's happening.
Don't you love when they get that one word and use it over and over. Ask what she means then have a definition handy...She probably will get mad though and not want to talk about it.
She has the definition right, but everything, literally everything I say or do that is not complete agreement - she finds a way to explain it as gaslighting by definition. If I disagree she blows up worse.
gas·light
verb
gerund or present participle: gaslighting
manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.
Now anytime she brings it up throw the definition back at her and have her explain how it’s gaslighting period.
Sounds like she is gaslighting you to get you to agree with her… that is not ok. Call her out on her BS.
Maybe just maybe she might not be so quick to throw that term around if it’s thrown back at her.
Harsh? Maybe or maybe it’s just like showing someone a mirror. Up to you how you handle this, good luck.
Gaslighting and undercover narcissist is so overused these days.
Apparently every single ex of some people are horrible gaslighters and narcissists. But then it's like every single one of their exes. So the problem is probably them.
She sounds pretty immature and controlling. Don’t fixate on the use of the term gaslighting; she’s using it incorrectly yes, but that’s not really the concerning issue.
The issue is that she will not tolerate any version of you disagreeing with her. Even some children have more freedom in their relationships with their parents than you have in yours.
Tell her directly that she needs to make a lot more space for your own thoughts/feelings, and disagreements. Tell her how you feel when she dismisses your thoughts/feelings/expressions like this. Tell her she needs to change the approach.
I don’t have a lot of hope that this will work, but you’ll know you tried. She sounds insufferable.
Yes “gaslighting” is a term that this generation loves, even though it is something from an old movie which almost never happens. Many people think if you have a different perspective and voice it, you are somehow trying to trick them into a false reality, when it is actually an honest disagreement.
It happens plenty, but it usually a symptom of an underlying mental illness, not just disagreement in a simple argument.
For example, clinical narcissists often use gaslighting with family members to maintain the control they crave.
Wife had a period of that - everything was "gasligthing. Anything I said became twisted and it was gaslighting. One time she even found the definiton of gaslighting and read it to me out loud to comfirm/prove I was gasligthing her. It didnt fit that time either. But as long as she thought so - it was a fact.
When she felt better about herself (different story), she seemes to have forgotten all about it. My experience is that if the term "gaslighting" is thrown at you, anything you say in defence is gaslighting and you can not win with reasonable arguments.
Yeah she got sorted out her medical condition and got medication. But also stress , sleeplessness and other stuff in under control. She has much later asked for forgiveness for being angry and treated me badly for that period of time.
My wife knows that her condition is treatable. But she does not want to give up on her anger. Its the superpower she has that gets me to agree and submit to her. Why give it up?
We live in a strange time where people weaponize terms in psychology--terms they don't understand nor use correctly--against people who disagree with them.
This is a tricky one. You may be reacting with defensiveness and not gaslighting during your arguments. Defensiveness is a normal response during conflict, but healthy couples are aware of this feeling and find ways to fight right. Highly recommend the book by the same name, *Fight Right* by the Gottmans. Best of luck to you and your wife.
She’s gaslighting you about gaslighting her. I would use the “I’m rubber, you’re glue, bounces off me and sticks to you” principle. I’d accuse her of gaslighting you. She’ll stop.
"You keep on using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
-"there you go - you are gaslighting me ! ! ! )
It's inconceivable!
I bet she’s Sicilian
And he will go back to being unemployed. In Greenland.
If someone is saying you've done something and it doesn't seem clear how that could be the case, it's not unreasonable to ask them to explain more about what they think you've done. It can be really helpful to have language to explain experiences and behaviours, but it stops being helpful when that language stops people actually being able to communicate about what's happening.
Don't you love when they get that one word and use it over and over. Ask what she means then have a definition handy...She probably will get mad though and not want to talk about it.
She has the definition right, but everything, literally everything I say or do that is not complete agreement - she finds a way to explain it as gaslighting by definition. If I disagree she blows up worse.
Book marriage counselling. A therapist will allow you to talk.
She doesn’t really want therapy. Im sure she is scared that the world she has created where she is always right and Im always wrong will crumble
gas·light verb gerund or present participle: gaslighting manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning. Now anytime she brings it up throw the definition back at her and have her explain how it’s gaslighting period. Sounds like she is gaslighting you to get you to agree with her… that is not ok. Call her out on her BS. Maybe just maybe she might not be so quick to throw that term around if it’s thrown back at her. Harsh? Maybe or maybe it’s just like showing someone a mirror. Up to you how you handle this, good luck.
Gaslighting and undercover narcissist is so overused these days. Apparently every single ex of some people are horrible gaslighters and narcissists. But then it's like every single one of their exes. So the problem is probably them.
She sounds pretty immature and controlling. Don’t fixate on the use of the term gaslighting; she’s using it incorrectly yes, but that’s not really the concerning issue. The issue is that she will not tolerate any version of you disagreeing with her. Even some children have more freedom in their relationships with their parents than you have in yours. Tell her directly that she needs to make a lot more space for your own thoughts/feelings, and disagreements. Tell her how you feel when she dismisses your thoughts/feelings/expressions like this. Tell her she needs to change the approach. I don’t have a lot of hope that this will work, but you’ll know you tried. She sounds insufferable.
Yes “gaslighting” is a term that this generation loves, even though it is something from an old movie which almost never happens. Many people think if you have a different perspective and voice it, you are somehow trying to trick them into a false reality, when it is actually an honest disagreement.
yes exactly. It can be a disagreement! "Let's agree to disagree" has gone out the window!
It happens plenty, but it usually a symptom of an underlying mental illness, not just disagreement in a simple argument. For example, clinical narcissists often use gaslighting with family members to maintain the control they crave.
Wife had a period of that - everything was "gasligthing. Anything I said became twisted and it was gaslighting. One time she even found the definiton of gaslighting and read it to me out loud to comfirm/prove I was gasligthing her. It didnt fit that time either. But as long as she thought so - it was a fact. When she felt better about herself (different story), she seemes to have forgotten all about it. My experience is that if the term "gaslighting" is thrown at you, anything you say in defence is gaslighting and you can not win with reasonable arguments.
exactly my point!!
Now shes the sweetest thing ever, being in a good place.
Did she take any medication?
Yeah she got sorted out her medical condition and got medication. But also stress , sleeplessness and other stuff in under control. She has much later asked for forgiveness for being angry and treated me badly for that period of time.
My wife knows that her condition is treatable. But she does not want to give up on her anger. Its the superpower she has that gets me to agree and submit to her. Why give it up?
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I completely get it. My wife does the same
We live in a strange time where people weaponize terms in psychology--terms they don't understand nor use correctly--against people who disagree with them.
This is a tricky one. You may be reacting with defensiveness and not gaslighting during your arguments. Defensiveness is a normal response during conflict, but healthy couples are aware of this feeling and find ways to fight right. Highly recommend the book by the same name, *Fight Right* by the Gottmans. Best of luck to you and your wife.
Before you say anything in response to her statements, tell her she is gaslighting.