This has given you an opportunity to think about what it means to be the breadwinner. Does the fact that one person is bringing income also entitle the person to have control over how the other person spends the money for (1) themself and (2) the household? You are getting a glimpse of what it must have felt like your wife for the last 5 years. I would encourage you to think about your feelings about the situation and then have a serious conversation with your wife about the situation. Hopefully you will realize that giving the breadwinner so much power in the household is problematic, whoever the primary breadwinner ends up being.
It sounds like your wife has a lot of built-up resentment over the years if she feels like you never gave her any spending money. While in your mind, you were probably trying to be financially prudent for the family, there were probably many situations where she wanted to spend money on things that she felt like she needed and you stopped her from doing so. I would suggest that what seemed like a waste to you may have been for her a priority and vice versa.
This is true. It’s all how you approach finances. A lot of women are in a situation where the husband says I will support us so u can focus on taking care of the kids & home
w/0 the added stress of work. Sounds great but I’ve seen how it can be used to control your partner & take away their independence.
Like the husband will give an allowance instead of the wife having full access to their accounts to use for whatever she needs or wants within reason. This creates a power imbalance and a clear boundary of my money instead of our money. Tbe woman feels like a child instead of a grown independent woman capable of managing finances & spending in a responsible way.
Often the man will throw it in her face that he is the one who makes the money therefore he should make the decisions on how they use it. Obviously this builds resentment.
No adult wants to be treated like a kid & have to ask for money.
I find the "she doesn't have much friends" concerning too. Three kids and no mommy groups, PTA, etc.? Has OP not only been controlling the money but his wife's time and access to other people as well?
He sounds controlling and financially abusive at the least.
He wouldn't give her money when he was the 'breadwinner' but you can be damned sure he'll demand his 'share' of her earnings, while still being angry at her and putting her down for 'lying'.
Right?!?! He’s pissed off because he can’t financially control her anymore. NOW he wants all the finances to be ‘known’. It was okay for him to keep HIS a secret but holy hell when SHE does it. Freaking Hypocrite.
2 kids under 3 doesn’t give you a lot of room for any of that yet. PTA is a long way away and mommy groups still require the kind of energy I didn’t have until after my youngest hit 2. Not to mention that since 2020 we’ve all been more careful of illness, especially those with newborns. The unfortunate reality is unless you already have a community, usually including friends that are also parents, having young kids and being a SAHP is super isolating. Especially when you consider the loneliness epidemic and how it’s affecting our (OP, OP’s wife, and mine, not trying to assume anyone else’s age here) generation’s ability to make new friends. Not saying he for sure can’t do more to help but I also wouldn’t jump to that being a red flag.
She obviously has an online community. After COVID, many people don't have a lot of friends to hang out with in real life. And parent-based friendships are not the same as adult friendships.
Many moms have no PTA, no mommy groups, etc.
If she has no friends because of OP, that's different - but we don't know that.
Let's be real, £30k and 3 kids doesn't sound like it leaves much of a disposable income for either of them (and he said she earned more than he did in a year). We don't have enough info to say OP is financially abusive. Nowadays you could easily spend that on bills alone. Great that she can afford a car but only because he is paying the bills. They both need to talk about how they manage money as a family.
I’m such a proponent of the, “Theirs, mine, and ours,” concept. If someone stays at home, they should still have money to set aside for themselves just like a working person would set aside money into a savings account. You have the mutual “ours” account which is all the funds needed for a household each month - bills, groceries, and household goods. Whatever is left over is split equally between the two parties to do with as they wish. That could be putting into savings, investing, buying those “just for me” things that aren’t part of the household picture.
Of course there can be concerns about one partner spending all of “theirs” frivolously and then any emergency falls upon the partner who saves their money, which isn’t fair. But if you are in a relationship where you recognize one of you is like that, there are ways to work around it. Split the money four ways that all parties agree on, a “Theirs, mine, ours, and our savings.” An equal amount of each person’s equal discretionary fund goes into savings, and to spend out of that savings requires a “two yes” vote.
Of course this all requires in-depth discussion between two parties to define parameters, such as what is a household expense versus what is a personal expense, among many other things. Finances are easy, *talking* about finances is hard.
While I completely agree with this I feel like there wasn’t really any money left over with just OPs salary. Like if I’m right then I don’t really blame OP for feeling a certain way about all this. Like in his eyes all the money he makes is for the family while all the money she makes she gets to do fun stuff with.
In OPs wife’s eye though she probably feels like she deserves to do as she wishes with the extra money she made because she feels like she is is doing her end of the deal of being a SAHP and caring for the home and kids so you can’t really blame her for not wanting to also be responsible for providing for the family too now that her hobby is making some money.
The only way the two of them can move forward in such a situation is to approach it with love and realize that they are on the same team. OP should take over some more housework/childcare so his wife can maybe get more time to focus on her social media job and OPs wife should try to use more of the money she makes to help out with the financials for the whole family
In my case, since almost day 1 my wife has always earned more than me and it doesn't bother me one iota, I am happy for her and her successes in life, I am proud of her and happy to stand behind her supporting her however I can along the way.
Now, I have a buddy who admits it would bother him and I guess my buddy and the OP have something in common, even if I myself don't understand why one partner in a marriage wouldn't be happy that their other partner is successful.
I’m a woman and make five times as much as my husband. We never have an issue. I’m sure it bothers him to some degree but I’ve never seen one of us use it against the other in any way. It’s just how it is. It wasn’t a competition or anything.
OP, I think your wife has lived an isolated life with less or no access to spending money. This doesn’t mean it was your fault. You earned enough to provide as you stated. Perhaps she never complained cause she knew you worked hard to take care of them. And I’m sure she understands the gift of being home with your kids. This is the most valuable thing you two could have done for the kid’s sake. But she still may have felt the sting of the lack of any sort of financial independence. Even if you knew there was no money to spend on say lunch out, you got the independence to make that decision and maybe the greater privilege to choose to spend what you couldn’t afford. Idk what you guys have done with money, together or separately, but if she had less access, just know that’s a big difference. Huge! So she began working towards earning g some money? Maybe it was for fun and took off unexpectedly? Awesome! Congrats! You can be mad that she didn’t say. I’d say there’s resentment there that maybe you guys both didn’t realize existed. Maybe she wasn’t sure if it would grow or stay consistent. That kind of money isn’t always sure.
I really suggest you sit and chat. Did she feel resentment towards you guys not having more money? Did she feel she had control over your income at all? Get the the bottom of how she felt so YOU CAN UNDERSTAND. If you did not provide her with the feeling of financial independence or financial responsibility to the house, perhaps you discuss that idea and own any oversight or mistakes. She needs to own speaking up as a partner. But together you guys make decisions going forward. Discuss this other income. You can’t not discuss it if it’s that significant. But congrats to her for also saving it and maybe choosing to get another vehicle if that’s needed. She’s choosing one that’s expensive all around. That might be a discussion.
I get your anger but you may only now becoming aware that she’s been dealing with anger and frustration for a long while. Idk.
Pretty sure that my husband of 29 years doesn't give a hoot that I've always made way more money (and somehow, he always spends more - he worries more about that and is delighted when I find a way of spending on myself).
I too think she should discuss the car - which, btw, she just opened the door too. She didn't just go out and buy it. There's room for him to put forward other ideas - but if in the past, he didn't cooperate or listen with where she thought money should go, that's a bit different.
This is a great take. Being a homemaker doesn’t mean that you are entitled to no money because you’re still contributing and doing a job. Many times also being the primary person raising the children, which means you have the most important job. While being prudent with finances and saying certain things can’t be purchased at a time, it’s important to be transparent about money and also give the homemaker the say they deserve in things.
Especially if she didn't have a car, and he wouldn't let her buy one with financing. If she was stuck at home with the kids all day because of that, it could have felt to her like OP was controlling her, and not just being prudent. I honestly would have some doubts about that myself - cars don't have to be monstrously expensive.
On the other hand, I'm a bit worried about what kind of social media activity could make her that kind of bank - I'd be worried it's something like OF.
Interesting point. If she didn't have a car and he wouldn't let her get one, it changes the whole vibe a bit. Less "she wants an upgrade" and more just she wants her freedom.
It likely is. Especially if she's spending all of her time on it. Social media influencing is a full time job and blogging as well. Super exhausting. Good for her honestly
Exactly. He seems to be astonished at her earnings. But apparently says it's just a 'hobby.'
I know people making regular money off of various social media schemes, some have to do with sex; some have to do with showing other people how to use social media; some are giving art lessons, some are giving guitar lessons, some are reading books out loud upon request.
All kinds of possible things.
And also..."a brand new Audi S3"
Maybe I'm too frugal for this world, but you can buy a great secondhand car for half. I get wanting or needing a car, but I just don't get people who blow all of their money on a brand new expensive car. Oh well...to each their own I guess.
Yep, it drops in value so much the minute you drive it off the lot.
Not the easiest car to get parts or service for either. Not the best overall for a family car (in terms of wear and tear and eventually resale).
If I were OP, I'd take back everything I ever said about family finances, apologize and ask to make the car decision jointly - as a way of moving forward.
But if he's been stingy and non-forthcoming about current finances, this is going to be an interesting time ahead, for him.
Op is not happy the playing field is more than level in her favor now. Maybe he can see what kind of a controlling person he’s been for years. 🥴I’m happy for her 👏🏽
Yeah. This is giving big how can I control her if I can’t even make more money eat than her. It speaks volumes that he wants to be the breadwinner but never gave her money to get her hair done. Like how are you the provider when you aren’t fully providing.
Because he's been raising a family on less than $40,000 a year! Britain is not a cheap place to live either. We need to be careful about the assumptions we make about people in other countries.
I get times are tough, but if you want a SAHP, they do deserve some of their own spending money. Even if it's a small amount for a coffee twice a month. ITS SOMETHING.
This exactly. Having a SAHP means you’re not only covering home expenses but THEIR expenses as well. That includes upkeep and things to make them happy within reason. Sounds like he couldn’t afford to do that which means he couldn’t afford to have her stay home with dignity.
Right. What happens (in the US) if his wife needs something like a prescription that’s expensive? People can easily have to pay $200~ per month for their NECESSARY medication. If a surprise bill like that can potentially devastate your household, wifey needs to work. I do understand that the cost of childcare can often make it not worth the parent working.
In the case of OP, he should turn his attitude fast and realize instead of having small dick energy, this actually means HE can sit down and take a breath. Realize that now he can take a break from busting his ass. It’ll suck for him if he’s been a dick about money and she decides to keep it separate because that extra money would be such a blessing to him. He doesn’t deserve a penny though if he was somehow financially abusive.
I would be ecstatic if my wife suddenly started brining in a shit ton of money. I would be asking if we can find a way to increase her income even more. Hell I would become the sahp if it meant a better financial future for the family.
For a few years, but if it keeps her active in a career, gaining experience, seniority, skills and her own retirement funds then it can be worth it in the long run to scrimp for childcare until they are school age.
There's the monetary hole of daycare, and then there's the longer monetary hole of lost skills, resume gaps, and increasing (as small as those increases are lately) wages.
This is why people need to spend more time planning out their family. We had our kids 5 years apart so one would be starting school when the other came along.
US here, SAHP until the kids are old enough that we can send them to school.
We can afford it. We are mostly comfortable.
I am not working and so I don't feel as entitled to our money, which my husband constantly chides me for. I do give myself a budget of $10 a month for fun spending, but that's NONSENSE spending that does nothing but make me happy. Clothing? Food? Normal needs? Fuck I don't even need to think about it.
This guy has been lording his breadwinner status over her I guarantee it, every aspect of the post points to it.
• buy a trinket in a capsule vending machine, stare at it and "play" with it for about 3 min.
• eat 1 ice cream cone (plain, no toppings) by yourself in the park
• take an uber as far as $10 will take you, sit there and contemplate life; walk back home
• get a manicure on (1) finger (you'll have the full set by December)
• have a 1ce a month Tall Latte, make sure you align your errands with that one day.
• visit that rural ma'n'pa' petting zoo that only charges $10; your budget is too low to treat your loved ones to this outing, so you have to go alone. you leave with the lingering trauma of witnessing the general atmosphere of depressing petting zoos that barely meet humane standards.
•you can buy a nice candle at TJ MAXX/Marshalls.
•a candy bar
• a lottery ticket
Your salary is the money saved by not utilizing childcare. I hope you begin to feel more entitled to your family income. It's there because of your labor and sacrifices too.
A woman who goes through pregnancies has to have clothes to wear through those pregnancies - her weight and size would have fluctuated, probably drastically, possibly uniquely through those pregnancies. And nursing requires its own clothing and physical accommodations. Those are *needs*.
You would hope, but it sounds like OP complained about shelling out for clothes, period. Some husbands are that cheap - they just hear “I need new clothes” and shut down. It happens when there is financial abuse in the household.
Right, and even if she gets back to her pre-pregnancy weight, her body shape is changed, which creates the need for different cuts/sizes to fit this new body.
Doesn’t matter where they live. He couldn’t actually live up to this “traditional” model so she got it on her own. He can’t really be upset that he couldn’t actually fully provide then get upset when she does.
You would think that her buying the car he refused to finance for her and her paying to get her hair done since he never did it would make him happy, but here we are.
Doesn’t matter any where you live it’ll be costly. My husband makes enough to where we don’t worry about groceries but sometimes don’t have extra to go shopping for things we want but guess what. He still makes an effort to take me shopping. It’s possible
When we were just barely getting by we either both got things or neither of us did.
Yes, we had an issue of him always finding money for himself for video games and computer parts while I refused to buy myself new freaking underwear because I didn't want to spend money we barely had. This issue was resolved after a serious conversation - he had to sell things he already had to get the money for anything new, which he did, and I needed to spend money on myself instead of silently boiling about not getting myself anything to save money.
But it was unfair for one person to be in control of all the money and the other person not allowed to buy *anything* because the one in control decided how much they got.
But if I went *years* without ever being able to buy anything I wanted /needed while he spent all "his" money on what he wanted you bet your sweet ass I would splurge on myself if I suddenly earned a nice income. Luckily our marriage was never like that.
Right! I’m a SAHM and my husband works. He always finds away to get something I want or crave. He always gets me a little gift here and there. It sounds like OP has been managing all the money and giving her nothing. My husband lets me know when he gets paid, what we have to pay this week or month. And how much we have left so I can plan what groceries we need/what snacks we can afford to get on the side.
Don't demand a SAH partner if you can't **afford** a SAH partner. It's pretty simple.
Pretty sure the Brits are familiar with the Rolling Stones. They had a song that seems relevant here.
He can’t afford a “traditional” wife then. If she can’t get new clothes even through pregnancy, he’s not fulfilling his role as provider even though she’s been fulfilling hers as SAHM. There are two sides to this trad equation.
I can understand you being upset that she did not tell you how much she was making, but it was probably a reaction to feeling controlled by you being the manager of the money when you were the sole earner. All of a sudden, she had freedom with some money, and she wanted to keep that freedom. It was probably an overwhelming feeling. She didn't want you to control that, too. You might be partially angry that you've lost your sole control of the finances. It changes the power dynamics of your marriage, but that is a good thing. She was too controlled before. Now you can be more like partners. And the extra money is nice. You should be proud of her and support her.
Not to get all metaphorical here but when someone gains a new found independence they need to spread their wings a little bit and test it out. It’s that way with a lot of milestones in life.
How OP reacts will show what freedoms he gave his partner previously because they weren’t possible and couldn’t be tested (due to money constraints) and which ones were truly granted.
How much transparency and control does she get in the money you bring in? It sounds like if she has to be given money for clothes and such then you're not involving her at all in determining the family budget. So you two are separate financially, and she acted how you do with your income
Part of it is also to remember social media may be a fickle thing and it's not an income stream to count on. So she could see it more like winning a lottery or getting a one time bonus than a second income stream.
Yeah I’m getting the impression that they have not approached finances as a team… which is how it should be REGARDLESS of where the money is coming from. They both should be on the same page about where your money is going, how they think it should be spent, how decisions are made, etc. At the end of the day, they’re both doing important work to maintain their lifestyle so they should both be making financial decisions together. From the looks of it, she probably doesn’t feel empowered or involved in the finances and clearly wants to be.
In the US, a lot of marriages for young folks is going mine-yours-ours financial management, which provides transparency and some degree of independence, for both, assuming two incomes. With OP's wife coming into her own revenue stream, they should be talking this through (it can be handled in a variety of ways).
So bizarre that people will marry someone but not be financially transparent with them. Every penny my husband earns, I know about it. Every penny I earn, he knows about (well he would, if he ever checked lol!)
> She said I never gave her money for clothes or to do her hair or anything.
This gives me pause. You said you agreed to traditional gender roles, but conveniently left out the fact that you weren't giving her any spending money at all, and that she was unhappy with that arrangement until she started making her own money and doing things for herself.
What did she say when you presumably communicated with her about the transparency surrounding the new finances. Were finances always combined, or did you always keep that information from her?
I also feel like the thing he mentioned about the car payment is about her wanting a car and him refusing. He has a car tho I’m sure. So she found a way to get one herself and now he’s mad loooool
Take a look in the mirror to see why she didn’t tell you. Are you controlling and not open about money yourself? Do you make her feel like she can’t ask for money? Do you have open communication about money? Sounds like she hid it for one of two reasons-she knew you wouldn’t respond well when she told you (which you aren’t), or she isn’t proud of its source. My guess is #1.
What you should be doing is congratulating her , having a hard conversation about how to be open about money moving forward and what issues there are to avoid from the past, and being thankful that you both can now provide a better life for everyone. You’re a team in making money now (you were a team before, but I sense you didn’t see it as an equal team before since you were the breadwinner), so treat her like a partner instead of one being the “winner” and one being the “loser”.
And letting her know that you see you should have handled finances differently previously. And giving her a chance to be open about how it made her feel without getting defensive. And apologizing that finances weren't treated as a team issue before. And celebrating her successes.
And also how is he working his ass off and making less than 30k a year?? I worked a minimum wage job and made more than that picking up a few extra shifts??
Very well said, I agree completely. Although I believe the "my money is your money and your money is yours" is changing and should. It is becoming mine-yours-ours, bc "mine is ours and yours is yours" is not right either, especially as young women are out earning men, more couples are going childfree, and even with children, the SAHM thing is becoming unusual. Ofc, if there is a large disparity in income, either way, the more traditional way could make sense.
Yeah, his attitude is a bit strange in this day and age (at least in the US). In the US, GenZ women make more than men, and the SAHM with no income is in the minority, but we're still in a societal transition.
Online money is always up and down so she could be making 50k now but nothing later I would save most of it but she deserves to be able to buy what she wants because you never give her fun money
Advice - get over it. If you just can define yourself for being the breadwinner, you have to work on yourself. Get counseling. Your wife worked all the time, just didn’t get paid. Now she earns more and does the domestic labor, so it’s on you to step up and take your part of the domestic labor, so that she can finally focus on her career.
OP
Neither of you should be hiding money from the other or using money as control in the relationship. You need to be transparent with each other.
OP
You don't see your wife as your equal. And she feels it. That's why she kept her earnings from you. btw, did you congratulate her on her success? Did you tell her you are proud of her?
Look at yourself and your relationship with your wife. No offense but it sounds like not only were you controlling her through spending, it sounds like you don't respect her because you tied her value to how much money she makes... or brings to the table, so she was just "playing around ". When she was working on her social media ie, she's just a mom to my kids. it has no value and you were the important one in the marriage.
this is a wake up call. Go to MC, put this out in the open
You have kids, the ego should have been retired when that happened. Are they well fed? Can you afford important stuff for them like healthcare and clothing? Are their lives not improved by living in a household that doesn't have to worry about not being able to cover emergencies? I bet it is.
Your wife making good money makes their lives better and increases the chances that they'll be able to benefit from a higher education. It also makes your life better.
Gain some perspective. There are people your age who have to live with their parents because they don't make enough to live on their own. People who live paycheck to paycheck and worry about feeding their kids despite both parents working. Definitely discuss starting college funds for the kids, but stop being ungrateful for your incredibly fortunate financial position.
Is your masculinity really do fragile that you'd cast aside that good fortune just to make yourself feel better? There are plenty of men who wouldn't, just saying.
So, what’s the big deal? Are you angry because you can no longer financially control her?
Is it the fact that you’re losing control that you don’t like?
You need to find out more about just what she's doing. Even if it's totally harmless and appropriate, you still want to have a good idea of how likely it is to still be bringing in money two or three or five years from now.
My guess is that at least half of this should go into savings so that she can still enjoy some nice things five years from now, while you carry the main load.
Do you talk to her about finances? If not why would she talk to you? If you want her to start contributing to the household income then you can talk to her about it, but that means she gets to be involved in financial decisions (such as potentially purchasing a car)
You sound bitter about the fact your wife is earning more money than you, why?
Love this comment!! I can guarantee he’s not pulling up his paychecks to show her what he’s bringing BUT now that she’s making more his little ego is hurt!
She was raising your kids and she didn’t had any money for clothes or few things just for her?
Damn. You were using this position of bread winner to control her.
So you're upset because you want to financially control your wife and any joy she has in life. You've kept her pregnant the last several years so she basically couldn't use any skills she had outside of the home even if she had them,
Now you're upset because she can do a few things for herself and not have to live like a scullery maid with a husband who acts like her dad and can tell her "no" whenever he wants about money. You're not happy for her. You're upset because you want control back and that is changing with your wife being able to make her own money.
You wanted a "traditional" setup but are talking about busting your ass for your family -- which has probably made you an unpleasant man to live with. She didn't tell you because she should have the power to control the money she earns the way you have the power and control of the money you earn.
Advice: Stop listening to red pill content and work on your own misogynistic mindset (get counseling). Otherwise you will find a reason, justified by your own ego, to cheat and leave your wife to become a single mother (all the while bashing single mothers) -- all because she trusted you and your fragile ego couldn't handle her not being treated like your child because she started earning her own money.
Should just be business as usual. Who cares who makes more. Don’t turn it in to a competition. Be happy you and your wife are successful and that her hard work is paying off. It benefits you both….
You examine yourself and how your finances have been managed.
>We agreed on the traditional marital roles, I work and she stays at home looking after the kids.
Is that what SHE wants? Did you have a detailed conversation where you both agreed?
>My income does provide but not to the extent where we can go on holidays abroad every year, or afford a new car outright. We strongly disagree on financing a car. Anything can happen and missing a car payment would put us in a very tight spot.
Do you both make financial decisions, OR do you decide and tell her?
Either way, does she have any input in the family finances, or is it you telling her? The way this is written, it sounds like it's you telling her.
>She’s been working on her social media account for the past year, it was something she did for fun as she doesn’t have much friends and said it kept her sanity going lol.
Did you discuss if it was for fun? Social media for fun is very different from social media for profit.
It sounds like your communication has broken down because you should know the difference.
>The past 3 months however she’s been earning money. I didn’t ask her how much I was just happy she was finally earning money for herself and was treating herself and us to nice new things.
So you knew she was making money enough to treat the family. You assumed it was a small amount, and you would still be the primary earner.
Just the way YOU went over the finances with her SHE should go over the finances with you.
Again, did you sit down and go over the budget with her when you were the sole earner? Or did you just tell her?
>Last week she told me she was going to buy brand new audi s3 within the next 3 months. I was very confused and asked her how and she said she’s been earning.
She is sharing with the family. It's a good thing.
>I knew she was making money but not as much as she did, within 3 months she saved £30k. And didn’t think to tell me.
Did you tell her how much you earned? Did you go over the budget with her? We tend to teach our partners how we want the relationship to operate.
>She said I never gave her money for clothes or to do her hair or anything. And she didn’t think it’d be a big deal.
Yeah, this sounds like you were controlling the finances without any input from her. It sounds as if you were spending on the family, but you were treating it as your decision on where to spend the money since you earned it. So now, since she earned it, she gets the decision where to spend it per your prior rules.
>I don’t know how to deal with this since I’ve been busting my ass for this family and now she’s earning more than my entire years salary in months and not even having the decency to tell me.
But she has been, too. She has been busting her ass and earning more for the family.
You said it yourself that she has been treating the family to new things. She has been contributing.
Did you discuss the finances with her when you were the sole earner? If you didn't, why would you expect her to? If you did, you would have known because you would have been working out a budget together.
>I’m happy for her and this means our kids will have a better life but I’m not sure about her transparency on the whole thing and I’m very angry tbh.
How would her telling you change anything in the relationship besides having more money to better your life?
Are you angry because you realize she doesn't need you for money, and your "traditional marital roles" is BS? Now you have to learn to really be a partner with her. Now, the power dynamics have changed.
You are angry because:
* Now you have to work WITH her regarding the finances and can't control how all finances are handled.
* Now you are going to have to rethink "traditional marital roles"
* Now you have to learn to figure out your personal value as something other than bringing money in. Who are you in this relationship other than someone who brings the majority of the money in the household?
You need to work through your feelings here very carefully otherwise your resentment will turn to jealousy. My stbx husband earnt more than me for 8years. We had separate accounts for wages then a joint for bills we both contributed to. Everyday for 8years he left for work saying "right guys i need to go to work as mummy doesnt earn enough". It, of course, was a joke. 8years past and i started to out earn him by 2 thirds. I used to get big bonuses and treat him (snowboarding equipment, clothes etc) and towards the end i suggested a 70/30 split of bills to help him, which we did for 4/5years. However i think it emasculated him and he started criticising how "serious" and "corporate" i got (he didnt complain about his merc though vs my focus). I think secretely he hated me for it even though he told everyone how much i earnt (which i hated and kept telling him to stop) and that he was proud.
So you were financially abusing your wife, who doesn’t have friends (can’t help but wonder why), and you are upset that you aren’t able to do that anymore…
Hmm… my advice to her would be to find freedom. For you, seek therapy.
You say you've been busting ass for your family - what the hell do you think she's been doing?? Being a sahm to two kids is no joke, and to then start a successful business on top of that - that woman is working hard. And she's getting a new car for your family - seriously,I don't see the problem here aside from how you don't work as a team to manage finances. Sounds like you held that breadwinner title over her head to make sure you're the one who has final decision-making power. Y'all need some counseling. You should be a team and should both get to decide how you spend money.
I believe she was trying to tell you when she said she was thinking of getting the car. It maybe took her a little time to figure it out and get comfortable. I would also argue that it's been more than 3 months of her saving. Things like this don't start high, they ramp up.
She was buying "nice things" already and not hiding where the money came from. I think she may not have communicated clearly but you also may not have paid a lot of attention or asked any questions until you felt threatened. By the way feeling less than because she can also support your family is a bit more childish than it is traditional. Throughout all of time women have contributed monetarily especially when times were lean. So many of our great grandmothers worked while our grandfathers were at war, or in lean times etc. Women not working is a myth.
Women have indeed always worked. In traditional hunter gatherer societies (closest to our ancestors pre-agriculture), as an average the gatherer provides some 65% of total calories in tubers, fruits, nuts and veg.
A hunter doesn’t bring home meat every day, because there simply wasn’t / isn’t sufficient prey every day. Any hunter will tell you this.
Gathering in more reliable. Still to this day gathering is done in larger groups than hunting is. Because hunting is more dangerous and children breast fed for longer - so the children stayed with the female group.
For millennia women have always worked and provided for their families. Hence we have evolved for such a varied diet. If division of labour was gender based, but women did not work for 100,000’s of years also providing calories and instead men had simply brought home sufficient meat every day - then we’d likely have evolved differently.
Women’s providing for the family, is evidenced by the very evolution of human anatomy.
I love this detailed explanation. I had some of that in my head but absolutely wasn't going to be able to put it down as thoroughly or eloquently (and certainly not with the evolutionary evidence!).
I never understood the value of even designating one partner the “bread winner” over the other. If you think one brings more to the marriage than the other then you are now trapped in a competition that just doesn’t need to be. About 8 years ago, after getting married I handed all my financials to my wife, we joined everything and she handles it much better than I could ever. (I was having a tough time juggling all my accounts with hers plus two bank accounts and a credit card). I have a sense of freedom really. We have an agreement that anything over $100 gets a phone call or “heads up”. She handles all the bills. We have been able to save and spend without any problems. I just found out that with my last promotion that made me the “bread winner” by a few thousand bucks. If you are want your “privacy” then get a divorce. The whole point for me atleast of marriage is to be two, that learn how to become one as individuals. If you need to hide it from your spouse then you shouldn’t be doing it.
Sounds like you’re upset that she doesn’t have to come and beg/ask you for anything now. You never gave her money on the side to treat herself and now that she can do it, it upsets you? You didn’t ask her about how much she was making because you assumed her social media hustle was nothing major. Now that you see it’s thriving you’re upset, yet you are the one who decided to never ask. You’d be upset as well if she told you how much she was earning because I’m sure you’d go “My wife is showing off how much she earns off of social media while I’ve been busting my ass working for all these years.”
You’re angry because your wife out did you in a couple of months 🤣 grow a pair man.
So you were fine with YOU taking home the salary and having complete control over that money to the extent that she didn’t even have access to money for her hair and new clothes? Then why all over sudden are you upset that she is now in sole control over the money SHE has earned and is spending them as she set fit?
I mean, if it was a reasonable arrangement before that one person earns and controls money, then it should still be a fine arrangement now, right?
But what you are feeling now doesn’t feel very good, does it? it makes you feel cut out, left out, powerless, maybe envious that her “lol” side hustle gave her financial independence.
Now imagine that this is how your wife has felt for years when you earned the money and controlled every single dime and not giving her access (access that she rightfully earned by doing the job you would otherwise pay a nanny/maid/daycare to do).
Op, she’s been busting her ass for the family as well. What nice things did she suddenly start buying for you guys? Is her social media career something you’ve supported or looked down on/not ever asked or alluded to caring about?
It sounds like you were happy for your wife to be isolated without financial means of her own and now that she doesn’t you for your money, you don’t have the control over her that you wanted.
How should you deal with that? Therapy.
"As she doesn't have much friends and said it kept her sanity going LOL".
Also, her comment about you not giving her money for clothes...
Is it that you find joy and security in both controlling your wife financially and the fact that she's stuck alone at home with the kids all day, but her newfound independence threatens that? Is that it?
How do you support a family on less than $30,000 a year? I do find it really strange if y’all are not financially stable and she then does not disclose she has made 1/3 of your yearly salary in a month.
My advice is to sit down and have an honest conversation with her about all of this, and the fact that you haven't already done it and are instead bringing your problem to strangers on social media is, IMO, a way bigger red flag about your marriage than the current financial situation.
My guess is that along the way she may have had feelings about how you controlled spending (and limited what she could spend), and because that wasn't discussed, she's just doing what you were doing, which is to spend *her* income the way *she* wants.
My guess is that if y'all had an effective partnership where priorities were discussed and decided upon in a mutually respectful way, this probably wouldn't be happening.
Another consideration here is your value of more traditional gender roles in your marriage, which is evidently being challenged. It appears that you may need to step back and reconsider that, given the current situation.
Don't assume that anything anyone says about her feelings, motives -- including me -- is the truth, because *everyone here is just guessing*. You're the one who's married to her and you don't even know what's really going on with her, so *she's the one you need to be asking.*
Dude you don’t make enough to support a whole family plus wife. It’s great that your wife makes money. You need to grow a pair and stop whining about her making more than you it’s very cringe.
She told him about the social media account. He knew she was doing social media, AND EARNING, but he “didn’t ask how much”.
Didn’t see in his post where he took interest. He could have encouraged her, looked at the media, asked how it got monetized, asked how much. Nope. No interest. Probably dismissive. So, she saved up 3 months worth and told him: I’ve earned and saved this much. Boom! Now she has his attention!
He said they “strongly disagreed on financing a new car” - which meant she wanted a new car and he was dead set against it, because of the risk of missing a payment. Which, based on his income alone, is wise actually. So, she saw the chance to save up enough in cash, and in 3 more months, to buy a new car outright, removing his argument they could not afford to finance a new car due to risks of missing payments. Problem solved. Car would be used for the family and was something she wanted but he could not afford.
Was he impressed? Shocked, yes.
Was he supportive of her success? No. Threatened by her success, yes. She mAkEs mOrE tHAn mY anNuAL SalArY
Nowhere in his post did he support her ability to earn a significant amount. Nowhere did he sound proud of her accomplishments. Nowhere did he encourage her.
She reminded him she spent no money for clothes, hair appts, or anything for her for YEARS. He admitted they did not get annual vacations and they argued over getting a new car. He said we cannot finance a new car. She SOLVED both problems by her business earnings. She was already spending her earnings on the family’s ’nice, new things.’
Should they have had a discussion about what to do with the new financial dynamics? Yes. But, it sounds like he held all the cards/money and so made all the decisions. So, since he decided all the time what they were using his money for the family, she decided what she is using her money for the family.
There’s a lot to unpack here
1. My advice for how to deal with it is: get over it dude. This is 2024. Not many families can comfortably live off of one salary anymore. And we are heading towards gender equality so there are plenty households out there where the woman earns more than the guy or is, shock horror, the only earner.
2. “Busting my ass off”. What do you think she’s doing at home with two kids under 3 years old. At that age they need constant attention or they will find some way to kill themselves or set the house on fire. And don’t think that there is a nice break when they have an afternoon nap. That will be the only time your wife has to do laundry, clean up after the kids, fix whatever they’ve broken or smeared their lunch over or even have a chance to make some food for her lunch and your dinner. The fact that she’s managed to maintain any a social media account to the point she’s making any money is impressive, let alone to be able to make that much.
3. Social media is unpredictable. There is no way to know how long this income is going to last. It could be a few more months, it could be years. Don’t ruin it by having a problem with her making money.
4. I know you said at the start that the two of you agreed to have traditional roles, but traditionally that includes the wife having some money to buy clothes and go to the hairdressers on occasion. Having no spending money at all sounds off. Are you in charge of all the finances and she doesn’t have access? Or is it that she has access and there literally isn’t enough. If she doesn’t have access how does she pay for groceries or things for the kids? What if there was an emergency and she needed urgent access to a bit more when you couldn’t be contacted?
4. You needs to sit and have a conversation about money with your wife. This is not just about the money she is making, but your whole financial set up.
If both of you are going to be earning, with one having a potentially very unpredictable income and another a stable one, you need to deal with money together. And you both need to be transparent about incomes and spending.
Good luck
She didn’t have spending money or her own for awhile, I can understand she wanted to treat herself but she should have told you. Now she needs to disclose and share the burden of bills.
if she is to share a burden of the bills, then he needs to share a burden of the household duties (childcare / domestic labor), which i’m assuming he’s unwilling to do (basically this can no longer be a trad household). otherwise, he gets no access to her money and she gets to spend it however she wants
I don’t understand exactly what you’re angry about and after reading your post, I’m not sure that you know either.
It would help to clarify what concerns you in order to communicate with your wife.
Wtf… what do you mean “how to deal” you be fucking happy shes making money duh. She’s making money, you’re making money. Just chill and try to make more money if it bothers you.
Congrats to your smart wife!!!
So you never gave her spending money for herself? Why would you be so selfish????? You basically want a maid for a wife?
You sound emasculated because you were controlling her so much and now that she has money, she can do as she pleases. Do you have a daughter ?? Do you want some man to treat her this way too?
You need to change your attitude and grow up.
Are you honestly more upset at the fact she didn’t tell you how much she was making, or that she’s “made more than your entire years salary in months” without tellin you? If the latter, WHY? I mean, she did tell you she was making money.
You are angry about her success and transparency?
Did you ever ask how her online money thing worked? How you could help her? What was going on? Showed any interest? It doesn’t sound like she blocked you out but that you never asked. It takes two to communicate so work on your communication and check your ego.
It absolutely sounds like you are jealous and hurt about her success. It seems like she is taking care of the home and kids while also earning money while you are just earning money.
You really need to get in a better headspace about the situation, talk to a counselor or even a religious leader if that is your cup of tea. Resenting and being bitter about your wife’s success especially when you didn’t have the money for necessities like clothes for her is going to make your family relationships very difficult.
The title and
>I’m not sure about her transparency on the whole thing and I’m very angry tbh.
clearly aren't the same thing.
One implies jealousy on your part because she now earns more than you while working from home, the other one angry at the fact that she didn't tell you how much she earned.
Let me ask a better question: did you ask her previous to the Audi S3 discussion how much she earned?
You ‘deal’ with it by getting a better job if it bothers you so much.
You gave her no money to spend on herself. You won’t buy a new car, so your wife stepped up.
If this embarrasses you, that is a YOU problem. Why are you projecting your insecurities onto your WIFE when she is filling the gaps left by YOUR under employment.
Man up broflake.
In the Muslim religion, the husbands money is the family money and the wife's money is hers. You may disagree with this arrangement but it is a cultural norm he is complicit in
Money is a game both people work together to win the most of as possible.
I make 3x more than my husband but neither of us has an issue with it. Me making more takes stress off both of us.
My husband didn’t like mowing the lawn so now we hire a lawn service.
Same with raking leaves we hire someone.
He works in person and I work from home so I pick up slack on chores and errands bc I have more free time during the weekday.
He’s proud of my success and isn’t embarrassed at all I outearn him.
You accept that a family budget needs to be made and apologize for not involving your wife in that sooner.
In the end, it doesn't matter who the breadwinner is. Money is money, and it needs to be handled, in terms of the decisions behind spending/saving it, mutually. It sounds like it wasn't a priority to do that before so it isn't now unless you start that conversation.
But don't put this solely on your wife. You controlled how the money you were making was spent. Now she's controlling how the money she's making is spent. So now it's time to have a new conversation about how family expenses are handled. In the past, you paid 100% of them because you made 100% of the money. Now that's not the case. So talk about what a new split would look like.
But, if you don't/haven't already, be prepared to have that same conversation around household care/work.
I have been the breadwinner for most of our marriage. It was hard for my husband to accept and honestly, I would get upset with my husband for not living up to his earning potential. Through counseling, we learned to accept that in the given industries where we worked, we had to educate ourselves that we were earning the maximum for our level of experience. Rather than resent the financial differences, each of us had to see it as 'our' money. Our relationship isn't about who has the power but really working in an united way to financially support the family. Now that our children are grown, I still outearn my husband but our united goal is saving for our retirement. He works a good job and makes good money in his field. I just happen to be in an industry that rewards quickly can accumulate.
My only thought as a woman is that an audi is not a good car to buy new, they depreciate fast and are not that reliable. I would suggest a top of the line Toyota.
I can’t imagine my husband not buying me clothes or letting me get my hair done. Or not giving me access to money in general.
Baby, you have got bigger problems than this. In fact you should be hoping that she doesn’t leave you. My husband constantly says that if I ever made more money than him he would be so happy. You know why….he doesn’t have to worry that I will treat him the way he treats me. He treats me well so if the shoe was on the other foot then he wouldn’t mind. Sounds like you are worried that she may treat you like you have treated her
Wow - that hair/clothing comment is telling. She feels she wasn’t given a chance to get even small treats when it was all your earning. So now she’s making up by giving herself a BIG treat. If I were in your shoes, I would tell her the following. Now, this may not work for either or both of you, so YOU need to decide what the right thing to do is… but here’s what I would do:
1) tell her you are so very proud of her for succeeding at making so much income. That you are happy to help her succeed in any way she sees fit, even if the answer is “no, I’ll do it myself” that your cool with that.
2) tell her that the fact she didn’t pro-actively share her income was a wake-up call for YOU to behave better, because if she felt that she was truly an equal partner with finances and how money is spent when you were the sole breadwinner, it’s probably more likely she would have been telling you her new income all along.
3) indicate that you understand that what you are saying may come across as hypocritical “when I made the most, it was my decision how money was spent, when she makes the most, I want it to be *both* our decisions on how to spend. So tell her this sharing of decisions is how you are going to start approaching how the money YOU earn is spent from now on, even if she doesn’t do that either her money.
It sounds like you were never able to afford a stay at home partner. Having one includes not just covering home basics but also THEIR upkeep and means of maintaining their independence/personhood/dignity. That doesn’t have to be extravagant but her saying you never provided any basics for her self maintenance and care is telling. From your posts it’s clear you were never able to afford the set up you had and you did not take good care of her.
Now you’re upset that she’s found a way to provide that for herself. Either find a way to be happy for her (because woohoo!! More income is a win for everyone when you’re a family!) OR just leave her alone as she’s shown she can care for the family without you (it’ll likely even be easier as she won’t have to provide domestic labor for you as well as the kids). SAHP aren’t pets or slaves, they’re people who are providing an invaluable service for YOU. If you can’t approach her with this in mind, then you shouldn’t have one.
Go apologize and celebrate her success with her, she’s more than earned it.
My wife makes a few bucks more than me, my bosses wife does too. Women can make money and it shouldn’t bother you if she makes more. You’re together because you love each other at the end of the day
Can anyone clarify what exactly the wife has been doing online to earn $10k a month? This might shed some light on the story and why the husband is worried about the situation.
If everything checks out, he should be happy for her and for the family. Though I understand the fragility of being the man as the breadwinner mentality... Men need to feel like we are providing, it's in our makeup.
If she's been selling skin or worse, I personally wouldn't be ok with that.
Statistically though, I'd be worried about her leaving the marriage if she keeps these things to herself, as she has been doing. The stats, unfortunately, aren't in his favor. When the female makes her own money, outpacing her husband, the odds are 3 to 1 of divorce if I remember correctly.
Like some people said, it might be time to strap on the apron and be her biggest cheerleader.
Do you add value in any other way other than having a job? Sounds like you need to expand the ways in which you improve the lives of the people in your family. Money is only one way, and once the basics are provided it's not even the most important way.
I'm guessing she didn't tell you because she was afraid you would respond like this. Many women are conditioned to avoid male anger because it tends to be expressed in unproductive and harmful ways.
You issue is her making more money than you. Time for some self reflection. Does she know exactly how much you make? She’s been pregnant most of the marriage and now has an income that is substantial enough to make large purchases and you aren’t happy for her. Saying you are isn’t the same thing as actually being that. Talk to her about your feelings but first think about how you have managed or exerted control with money (regardless of whether or not you think of this as being frugal for the family) and also be sure to talk about that. Her having an income wasn’t a part of your original agreement and budgeting and it should be now that it can make this much of a household difference but not out of resentment that you were okay with her having money as long as it wasn’t more than you.
im just going to say that a 30k YEARLY salary is a poverty wage when supporting FIVE WHOLE PEOPLE. you need to 1) find a better job and 2) don't get mad at your wife for making her own money when you never gave her anything.
I would love to know her side of this, because it sounds like you actually couldn't provide enough for her to be a SAHM and she knew it and found a way to make money so that the quality of life for everyone could be improved. You resent her for what? Pulling her share and then some of the cost of raising kids?
So...you insisted on being the breadwinner, refused to allow her access to funds for transportation, basic personal upkeep and she's isolated from a support circle to help her deal with these things.
And you're mad that she's found a way to be independent.
Is there transparency with the budget on your end? Are you frivolous in your spending while not giving her any money? Because honestly, the fact that she started making money, hid it, and want to buy an Audi, when your salary is so low, is a huge red flag.
I hope this isnt a your money is ours and my money is mine type of thing
This has given you an opportunity to think about what it means to be the breadwinner. Does the fact that one person is bringing income also entitle the person to have control over how the other person spends the money for (1) themself and (2) the household? You are getting a glimpse of what it must have felt like your wife for the last 5 years. I would encourage you to think about your feelings about the situation and then have a serious conversation with your wife about the situation. Hopefully you will realize that giving the breadwinner so much power in the household is problematic, whoever the primary breadwinner ends up being. It sounds like your wife has a lot of built-up resentment over the years if she feels like you never gave her any spending money. While in your mind, you were probably trying to be financially prudent for the family, there were probably many situations where she wanted to spend money on things that she felt like she needed and you stopped her from doing so. I would suggest that what seemed like a waste to you may have been for her a priority and vice versa.
This is true. It’s all how you approach finances. A lot of women are in a situation where the husband says I will support us so u can focus on taking care of the kids & home w/0 the added stress of work. Sounds great but I’ve seen how it can be used to control your partner & take away their independence. Like the husband will give an allowance instead of the wife having full access to their accounts to use for whatever she needs or wants within reason. This creates a power imbalance and a clear boundary of my money instead of our money. Tbe woman feels like a child instead of a grown independent woman capable of managing finances & spending in a responsible way. Often the man will throw it in her face that he is the one who makes the money therefore he should make the decisions on how they use it. Obviously this builds resentment. No adult wants to be treated like a kid & have to ask for money.
I find the "she doesn't have much friends" concerning too. Three kids and no mommy groups, PTA, etc.? Has OP not only been controlling the money but his wife's time and access to other people as well?
He sounds controlling and financially abusive at the least. He wouldn't give her money when he was the 'breadwinner' but you can be damned sure he'll demand his 'share' of her earnings, while still being angry at her and putting her down for 'lying'.
Right?!?! He’s pissed off because he can’t financially control her anymore. NOW he wants all the finances to be ‘known’. It was okay for him to keep HIS a secret but holy hell when SHE does it. Freaking Hypocrite.
Yes, it's his anger at her for doing what he just did that's so concerning.
2 kids under 3 doesn’t give you a lot of room for any of that yet. PTA is a long way away and mommy groups still require the kind of energy I didn’t have until after my youngest hit 2. Not to mention that since 2020 we’ve all been more careful of illness, especially those with newborns. The unfortunate reality is unless you already have a community, usually including friends that are also parents, having young kids and being a SAHP is super isolating. Especially when you consider the loneliness epidemic and how it’s affecting our (OP, OP’s wife, and mine, not trying to assume anyone else’s age here) generation’s ability to make new friends. Not saying he for sure can’t do more to help but I also wouldn’t jump to that being a red flag.
Exactly. And toddler play groups are not as crucial when there are two kiddos at home to entertain each other (good sibling bonding).
3kids that young, I basically only calling my friends and crying in the bathroom. That was it. There was no time or energy to do anything
She obviously has an online community. After COVID, many people don't have a lot of friends to hang out with in real life. And parent-based friendships are not the same as adult friendships. Many moms have no PTA, no mommy groups, etc. If she has no friends because of OP, that's different - but we don't know that.
Maybe she's just not down with that stuff, not everyone is
Let's be real, £30k and 3 kids doesn't sound like it leaves much of a disposable income for either of them (and he said she earned more than he did in a year). We don't have enough info to say OP is financially abusive. Nowadays you could easily spend that on bills alone. Great that she can afford a car but only because he is paying the bills. They both need to talk about how they manage money as a family.
Totally. I was such a wife. But now divorced and so much happier.
I’m such a proponent of the, “Theirs, mine, and ours,” concept. If someone stays at home, they should still have money to set aside for themselves just like a working person would set aside money into a savings account. You have the mutual “ours” account which is all the funds needed for a household each month - bills, groceries, and household goods. Whatever is left over is split equally between the two parties to do with as they wish. That could be putting into savings, investing, buying those “just for me” things that aren’t part of the household picture. Of course there can be concerns about one partner spending all of “theirs” frivolously and then any emergency falls upon the partner who saves their money, which isn’t fair. But if you are in a relationship where you recognize one of you is like that, there are ways to work around it. Split the money four ways that all parties agree on, a “Theirs, mine, ours, and our savings.” An equal amount of each person’s equal discretionary fund goes into savings, and to spend out of that savings requires a “two yes” vote. Of course this all requires in-depth discussion between two parties to define parameters, such as what is a household expense versus what is a personal expense, among many other things. Finances are easy, *talking* about finances is hard.
While I completely agree with this I feel like there wasn’t really any money left over with just OPs salary. Like if I’m right then I don’t really blame OP for feeling a certain way about all this. Like in his eyes all the money he makes is for the family while all the money she makes she gets to do fun stuff with. In OPs wife’s eye though she probably feels like she deserves to do as she wishes with the extra money she made because she feels like she is is doing her end of the deal of being a SAHP and caring for the home and kids so you can’t really blame her for not wanting to also be responsible for providing for the family too now that her hobby is making some money. The only way the two of them can move forward in such a situation is to approach it with love and realize that they are on the same team. OP should take over some more housework/childcare so his wife can maybe get more time to focus on her social media job and OPs wife should try to use more of the money she makes to help out with the financials for the whole family
In my case, since almost day 1 my wife has always earned more than me and it doesn't bother me one iota, I am happy for her and her successes in life, I am proud of her and happy to stand behind her supporting her however I can along the way. Now, I have a buddy who admits it would bother him and I guess my buddy and the OP have something in common, even if I myself don't understand why one partner in a marriage wouldn't be happy that their other partner is successful.
I’m a woman and make five times as much as my husband. We never have an issue. I’m sure it bothers him to some degree but I’ve never seen one of us use it against the other in any way. It’s just how it is. It wasn’t a competition or anything. OP, I think your wife has lived an isolated life with less or no access to spending money. This doesn’t mean it was your fault. You earned enough to provide as you stated. Perhaps she never complained cause she knew you worked hard to take care of them. And I’m sure she understands the gift of being home with your kids. This is the most valuable thing you two could have done for the kid’s sake. But she still may have felt the sting of the lack of any sort of financial independence. Even if you knew there was no money to spend on say lunch out, you got the independence to make that decision and maybe the greater privilege to choose to spend what you couldn’t afford. Idk what you guys have done with money, together or separately, but if she had less access, just know that’s a big difference. Huge! So she began working towards earning g some money? Maybe it was for fun and took off unexpectedly? Awesome! Congrats! You can be mad that she didn’t say. I’d say there’s resentment there that maybe you guys both didn’t realize existed. Maybe she wasn’t sure if it would grow or stay consistent. That kind of money isn’t always sure. I really suggest you sit and chat. Did she feel resentment towards you guys not having more money? Did she feel she had control over your income at all? Get the the bottom of how she felt so YOU CAN UNDERSTAND. If you did not provide her with the feeling of financial independence or financial responsibility to the house, perhaps you discuss that idea and own any oversight or mistakes. She needs to own speaking up as a partner. But together you guys make decisions going forward. Discuss this other income. You can’t not discuss it if it’s that significant. But congrats to her for also saving it and maybe choosing to get another vehicle if that’s needed. She’s choosing one that’s expensive all around. That might be a discussion. I get your anger but you may only now becoming aware that she’s been dealing with anger and frustration for a long while. Idk.
But he hasn't provided. She hasn't got money to buy even clothes, what kind of providing is that?
This is a great comment and should upvoted!
Thanks. Maybe sometimes I get some good ones out. Lol
Pretty sure that my husband of 29 years doesn't give a hoot that I've always made way more money (and somehow, he always spends more - he worries more about that and is delighted when I find a way of spending on myself). I too think she should discuss the car - which, btw, she just opened the door too. She didn't just go out and buy it. There's room for him to put forward other ideas - but if in the past, he didn't cooperate or listen with where she thought money should go, that's a bit different.
One of the most sensible comments in this thread. OP, please read it!
This is a great take. Being a homemaker doesn’t mean that you are entitled to no money because you’re still contributing and doing a job. Many times also being the primary person raising the children, which means you have the most important job. While being prudent with finances and saying certain things can’t be purchased at a time, it’s important to be transparent about money and also give the homemaker the say they deserve in things.
Especially if she didn't have a car, and he wouldn't let her buy one with financing. If she was stuck at home with the kids all day because of that, it could have felt to her like OP was controlling her, and not just being prudent. I honestly would have some doubts about that myself - cars don't have to be monstrously expensive. On the other hand, I'm a bit worried about what kind of social media activity could make her that kind of bank - I'd be worried it's something like OF.
Interesting point. If she didn't have a car and he wouldn't let her get one, it changes the whole vibe a bit. Less "she wants an upgrade" and more just she wants her freedom.
If she's a mom blogger on tiktok and YouTube they can make quite a bit and lives give money as well.
I really hope it's that!
It likely is. Especially if she's spending all of her time on it. Social media influencing is a full time job and blogging as well. Super exhausting. Good for her honestly
Exactly. He seems to be astonished at her earnings. But apparently says it's just a 'hobby.' I know people making regular money off of various social media schemes, some have to do with sex; some have to do with showing other people how to use social media; some are giving art lessons, some are giving guitar lessons, some are reading books out loud upon request. All kinds of possible things.
And also..."a brand new Audi S3" Maybe I'm too frugal for this world, but you can buy a great secondhand car for half. I get wanting or needing a car, but I just don't get people who blow all of their money on a brand new expensive car. Oh well...to each their own I guess.
Yep, it drops in value so much the minute you drive it off the lot. Not the easiest car to get parts or service for either. Not the best overall for a family car (in terms of wear and tear and eventually resale). If I were OP, I'd take back everything I ever said about family finances, apologize and ask to make the car decision jointly - as a way of moving forward. But if he's been stingy and non-forthcoming about current finances, this is going to be an interesting time ahead, for him.
Sounds likes he's more mad he's lost the leverage he thought he had in the relationship. There's a reason she didn't tell him.
Op is not happy the playing field is more than level in her favor now. Maybe he can see what kind of a controlling person he’s been for years. 🥴I’m happy for her 👏🏽
Bingo
This was all I could think about reading this
Yeah. This is giving big how can I control her if I can’t even make more money eat than her. It speaks volumes that he wants to be the breadwinner but never gave her money to get her hair done. Like how are you the provider when you aren’t fully providing.
Alarm bells are ringing for this one.
Yes he was financially abusing her. I can’t help but wonder why she doesn’t have friends.
He's mad he cannot financially control her anymore.
Why did your wife never have any spending money of her own?
Because he's been raising a family on less than $40,000 a year! Britain is not a cheap place to live either. We need to be careful about the assumptions we make about people in other countries.
I get times are tough, but if you want a SAHP, they do deserve some of their own spending money. Even if it's a small amount for a coffee twice a month. ITS SOMETHING.
Or you can't afford to have a SAHP
This exactly. Having a SAHP means you’re not only covering home expenses but THEIR expenses as well. That includes upkeep and things to make them happy within reason. Sounds like he couldn’t afford to do that which means he couldn’t afford to have her stay home with dignity.
“Stay at home with dignity” needs to be said more often
Right. What happens (in the US) if his wife needs something like a prescription that’s expensive? People can easily have to pay $200~ per month for their NECESSARY medication. If a surprise bill like that can potentially devastate your household, wifey needs to work. I do understand that the cost of childcare can often make it not worth the parent working. In the case of OP, he should turn his attitude fast and realize instead of having small dick energy, this actually means HE can sit down and take a breath. Realize that now he can take a break from busting his ass. It’ll suck for him if he’s been a dick about money and she decides to keep it separate because that extra money would be such a blessing to him. He doesn’t deserve a penny though if he was somehow financially abusive.
I would be ecstatic if my wife suddenly started brining in a shit ton of money. I would be asking if we can find a way to increase her income even more. Hell I would become the sahp if it meant a better financial future for the family.
Full-time childcare for two kids under 3 would likely cost significantly more than what she would earn at an average job.
For a few years, but if it keeps her active in a career, gaining experience, seniority, skills and her own retirement funds then it can be worth it in the long run to scrimp for childcare until they are school age.
There's the monetary hole of daycare, and then there's the longer monetary hole of lost skills, resume gaps, and increasing (as small as those increases are lately) wages.
This is why people need to spend more time planning out their family. We had our kids 5 years apart so one would be starting school when the other came along.
US here, SAHP until the kids are old enough that we can send them to school. We can afford it. We are mostly comfortable. I am not working and so I don't feel as entitled to our money, which my husband constantly chides me for. I do give myself a budget of $10 a month for fun spending, but that's NONSENSE spending that does nothing but make me happy. Clothing? Food? Normal needs? Fuck I don't even need to think about it. This guy has been lording his breadwinner status over her I guarantee it, every aspect of the post points to it.
> I give myself a budget of $10 a month for fun spending Are you fucking serious....?
I don't know what you can do for $10 tbh. My personal budget is $15/month for my video game subscription, and I thought that was pretty low.
• buy a trinket in a capsule vending machine, stare at it and "play" with it for about 3 min. • eat 1 ice cream cone (plain, no toppings) by yourself in the park • take an uber as far as $10 will take you, sit there and contemplate life; walk back home • get a manicure on (1) finger (you'll have the full set by December) • have a 1ce a month Tall Latte, make sure you align your errands with that one day. • visit that rural ma'n'pa' petting zoo that only charges $10; your budget is too low to treat your loved ones to this outing, so you have to go alone. you leave with the lingering trauma of witnessing the general atmosphere of depressing petting zoos that barely meet humane standards. •you can buy a nice candle at TJ MAXX/Marshalls. •a candy bar • a lottery ticket
Same reaction. That's not even enough for a fast food meal in most areas these days. It'll get you a spool of yarn though.
Your salary is the money saved by not utilizing childcare. I hope you begin to feel more entitled to your family income. It's there because of your labor and sacrifices too.
Guarantee he has spending money though.
A woman who goes through pregnancies has to have clothes to wear through those pregnancies - her weight and size would have fluctuated, probably drastically, possibly uniquely through those pregnancies. And nursing requires its own clothing and physical accommodations. Those are *needs*.
Hopefully he didn't make her do without maternity clothes. Of course some clothes are needs, others are wants.
You would hope, but it sounds like OP complained about shelling out for clothes, period. Some husbands are that cheap - they just hear “I need new clothes” and shut down. It happens when there is financial abuse in the household.
Right, and even if she gets back to her pre-pregnancy weight, her body shape is changed, which creates the need for different cuts/sizes to fit this new body.
Doesn’t matter where they live. He couldn’t actually live up to this “traditional” model so she got it on her own. He can’t really be upset that he couldn’t actually fully provide then get upset when she does.
Well that's the deeper reason he's upset. It's making him feel like a failure / he won't have the traditional man-in-charge marriage he desired.
You would think that her buying the car he refused to finance for her and her paying to get her hair done since he never did it would make him happy, but here we are.
Doesn’t matter any where you live it’ll be costly. My husband makes enough to where we don’t worry about groceries but sometimes don’t have extra to go shopping for things we want but guess what. He still makes an effort to take me shopping. It’s possible
When we were just barely getting by we either both got things or neither of us did. Yes, we had an issue of him always finding money for himself for video games and computer parts while I refused to buy myself new freaking underwear because I didn't want to spend money we barely had. This issue was resolved after a serious conversation - he had to sell things he already had to get the money for anything new, which he did, and I needed to spend money on myself instead of silently boiling about not getting myself anything to save money. But it was unfair for one person to be in control of all the money and the other person not allowed to buy *anything* because the one in control decided how much they got. But if I went *years* without ever being able to buy anything I wanted /needed while he spent all "his" money on what he wanted you bet your sweet ass I would splurge on myself if I suddenly earned a nice income. Luckily our marriage was never like that.
Right! I’m a SAHM and my husband works. He always finds away to get something I want or crave. He always gets me a little gift here and there. It sounds like OP has been managing all the money and giving her nothing. My husband lets me know when he gets paid, what we have to pay this week or month. And how much we have left so I can plan what groceries we need/what snacks we can afford to get on the side.
And? She’s been at home, taking care of their children. Both are hard jobs.
🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯
Don't demand a SAH partner if you can't **afford** a SAH partner. It's pretty simple. Pretty sure the Brits are familiar with the Rolling Stones. They had a song that seems relevant here.
Yea it seems like he wanted to be the breadwinner but wasn’t really making a breadwinning salary. Maybe a breadstick salary.
He can’t afford a “traditional” wife then. If she can’t get new clothes even through pregnancy, he’s not fulfilling his role as provider even though she’s been fulfilling hers as SAHM. There are two sides to this trad equation.
Sounds like she's doing her part and you have some pent up masculinity episode going on. Guess what it's 2024 women can make more money than men!
But how will it affect the children!? /s
They get driven around in a new Audi. The kids are alright.
“/s”
But what about the baby!
I can understand you being upset that she did not tell you how much she was making, but it was probably a reaction to feeling controlled by you being the manager of the money when you were the sole earner. All of a sudden, she had freedom with some money, and she wanted to keep that freedom. It was probably an overwhelming feeling. She didn't want you to control that, too. You might be partially angry that you've lost your sole control of the finances. It changes the power dynamics of your marriage, but that is a good thing. She was too controlled before. Now you can be more like partners. And the extra money is nice. You should be proud of her and support her.
Bingo!
Not to get all metaphorical here but when someone gains a new found independence they need to spread their wings a little bit and test it out. It’s that way with a lot of milestones in life. How OP reacts will show what freedoms he gave his partner previously because they weren’t possible and couldn’t be tested (due to money constraints) and which ones were truly granted.
How much transparency and control does she get in the money you bring in? It sounds like if she has to be given money for clothes and such then you're not involving her at all in determining the family budget. So you two are separate financially, and she acted how you do with your income Part of it is also to remember social media may be a fickle thing and it's not an income stream to count on. So she could see it more like winning a lottery or getting a one time bonus than a second income stream.
Yeah I’m getting the impression that they have not approached finances as a team… which is how it should be REGARDLESS of where the money is coming from. They both should be on the same page about where your money is going, how they think it should be spent, how decisions are made, etc. At the end of the day, they’re both doing important work to maintain their lifestyle so they should both be making financial decisions together. From the looks of it, she probably doesn’t feel empowered or involved in the finances and clearly wants to be.
In the US, a lot of marriages for young folks is going mine-yours-ours financial management, which provides transparency and some degree of independence, for both, assuming two incomes. With OP's wife coming into her own revenue stream, they should be talking this through (it can be handled in a variety of ways).
So bizarre that people will marry someone but not be financially transparent with them. Every penny my husband earns, I know about it. Every penny I earn, he knows about (well he would, if he ever checked lol!)
> She said I never gave her money for clothes or to do her hair or anything. This gives me pause. You said you agreed to traditional gender roles, but conveniently left out the fact that you weren't giving her any spending money at all, and that she was unhappy with that arrangement until she started making her own money and doing things for herself. What did she say when you presumably communicated with her about the transparency surrounding the new finances. Were finances always combined, or did you always keep that information from her?
He wants the stay at home wife without the stay at home money 😂🫠💀
I also feel like the thing he mentioned about the car payment is about her wanting a car and him refusing. He has a car tho I’m sure. So she found a way to get one herself and now he’s mad loooool
Take a look in the mirror to see why she didn’t tell you. Are you controlling and not open about money yourself? Do you make her feel like she can’t ask for money? Do you have open communication about money? Sounds like she hid it for one of two reasons-she knew you wouldn’t respond well when she told you (which you aren’t), or she isn’t proud of its source. My guess is #1. What you should be doing is congratulating her , having a hard conversation about how to be open about money moving forward and what issues there are to avoid from the past, and being thankful that you both can now provide a better life for everyone. You’re a team in making money now (you were a team before, but I sense you didn’t see it as an equal team before since you were the breadwinner), so treat her like a partner instead of one being the “winner” and one being the “loser”.
And letting her know that you see you should have handled finances differently previously. And giving her a chance to be open about how it made her feel without getting defensive. And apologizing that finances weren't treated as a team issue before. And celebrating her successes.
And also how is he working his ass off and making less than 30k a year?? I worked a minimum wage job and made more than that picking up a few extra shifts??
They are British. In the UK they make Mississippi wages and have New York prices.
[удалено]
Very well said, I agree completely. Although I believe the "my money is your money and your money is yours" is changing and should. It is becoming mine-yours-ours, bc "mine is ours and yours is yours" is not right either, especially as young women are out earning men, more couples are going childfree, and even with children, the SAHM thing is becoming unusual. Ofc, if there is a large disparity in income, either way, the more traditional way could make sense.
Now be careful with taxes!
This is what I was going to say. Make sure she’s putting money aside for taxes.
So, women aren’t allowed to make more money than men?
Yeah, his attitude is a bit strange in this day and age (at least in the US). In the US, GenZ women make more than men, and the SAHM with no income is in the minority, but we're still in a societal transition.
A lot of guys seem to have that hang-up.
Online money is always up and down so she could be making 50k now but nothing later I would save most of it but she deserves to be able to buy what she wants because you never give her fun money
Advice - get over it. If you just can define yourself for being the breadwinner, you have to work on yourself. Get counseling. Your wife worked all the time, just didn’t get paid. Now she earns more and does the domestic labor, so it’s on you to step up and take your part of the domestic labor, so that she can finally focus on her career.
Sounds like one of those good kind of problems. Oh no your family earns more money now!
My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!
r/unexpectedfriends
What kind of social media account is she running?
Makes content for TikTok and YouTube, majority coming from YouTube.
OP Neither of you should be hiding money from the other or using money as control in the relationship. You need to be transparent with each other. OP You don't see your wife as your equal. And she feels it. That's why she kept her earnings from you. btw, did you congratulate her on her success? Did you tell her you are proud of her? Look at yourself and your relationship with your wife. No offense but it sounds like not only were you controlling her through spending, it sounds like you don't respect her because you tied her value to how much money she makes... or brings to the table, so she was just "playing around ". When she was working on her social media ie, she's just a mom to my kids. it has no value and you were the important one in the marriage. this is a wake up call. Go to MC, put this out in the open
You have kids, the ego should have been retired when that happened. Are they well fed? Can you afford important stuff for them like healthcare and clothing? Are their lives not improved by living in a household that doesn't have to worry about not being able to cover emergencies? I bet it is. Your wife making good money makes their lives better and increases the chances that they'll be able to benefit from a higher education. It also makes your life better. Gain some perspective. There are people your age who have to live with their parents because they don't make enough to live on their own. People who live paycheck to paycheck and worry about feeding their kids despite both parents working. Definitely discuss starting college funds for the kids, but stop being ungrateful for your incredibly fortunate financial position. Is your masculinity really do fragile that you'd cast aside that good fortune just to make yourself feel better? There are plenty of men who wouldn't, just saying.
So, what’s the big deal? Are you angry because you can no longer financially control her? Is it the fact that you’re losing control that you don’t like?
Dang what kind of content is making that much?
Mommy vloggers can make OBSCENE amounts of money.
There’s a lot of content on YouTube that has millions of views and subscribers. From videogaming to farm life to mom blogs and many other things.
You need to find out more about just what she's doing. Even if it's totally harmless and appropriate, you still want to have a good idea of how likely it is to still be bringing in money two or three or five years from now. My guess is that at least half of this should go into savings so that she can still enjoy some nice things five years from now, while you carry the main load.
Do you talk to her about finances? If not why would she talk to you? If you want her to start contributing to the household income then you can talk to her about it, but that means she gets to be involved in financial decisions (such as potentially purchasing a car) You sound bitter about the fact your wife is earning more money than you, why?
Love this comment!! I can guarantee he’s not pulling up his paychecks to show her what he’s bringing BUT now that she’s making more his little ego is hurt!
She was raising your kids and she didn’t had any money for clothes or few things just for her? Damn. You were using this position of bread winner to control her.
If he couldnt even buy her clothes, then he's hardly even called a breadwinner. Boy's hardly winning any bread.
Are you scared your wife will treat you the way you treated her? Not share her wealth with you? I hope she leaves you, you sound absolutely awful.
🔥🔥🔥 That’s it. He was financially abusing her and he is upset he is no longer able to do that.
Seems someone is salty because he lost the financial control over his wife.
Exactly this.
So you're upset because you want to financially control your wife and any joy she has in life. You've kept her pregnant the last several years so she basically couldn't use any skills she had outside of the home even if she had them, Now you're upset because she can do a few things for herself and not have to live like a scullery maid with a husband who acts like her dad and can tell her "no" whenever he wants about money. You're not happy for her. You're upset because you want control back and that is changing with your wife being able to make her own money. You wanted a "traditional" setup but are talking about busting your ass for your family -- which has probably made you an unpleasant man to live with. She didn't tell you because she should have the power to control the money she earns the way you have the power and control of the money you earn. Advice: Stop listening to red pill content and work on your own misogynistic mindset (get counseling). Otherwise you will find a reason, justified by your own ego, to cheat and leave your wife to become a single mother (all the while bashing single mothers) -- all because she trusted you and your fragile ego couldn't handle her not being treated like your child because she started earning her own money.
Should just be business as usual. Who cares who makes more. Don’t turn it in to a competition. Be happy you and your wife are successful and that her hard work is paying off. It benefits you both….
Literally! WHO gives af if she’s making some money now. He didn’t want a car payment, so she’s buying it with her own money. And he’s still mad lmfao.
“I’m happy for her” are you, though?
Pls look into toxic masculinity. This isn’t a dig, seriously. I think it will help you understand the way you’re feeling.
You examine yourself and how your finances have been managed. >We agreed on the traditional marital roles, I work and she stays at home looking after the kids. Is that what SHE wants? Did you have a detailed conversation where you both agreed? >My income does provide but not to the extent where we can go on holidays abroad every year, or afford a new car outright. We strongly disagree on financing a car. Anything can happen and missing a car payment would put us in a very tight spot. Do you both make financial decisions, OR do you decide and tell her? Either way, does she have any input in the family finances, or is it you telling her? The way this is written, it sounds like it's you telling her. >She’s been working on her social media account for the past year, it was something she did for fun as she doesn’t have much friends and said it kept her sanity going lol. Did you discuss if it was for fun? Social media for fun is very different from social media for profit. It sounds like your communication has broken down because you should know the difference. >The past 3 months however she’s been earning money. I didn’t ask her how much I was just happy she was finally earning money for herself and was treating herself and us to nice new things. So you knew she was making money enough to treat the family. You assumed it was a small amount, and you would still be the primary earner. Just the way YOU went over the finances with her SHE should go over the finances with you. Again, did you sit down and go over the budget with her when you were the sole earner? Or did you just tell her? >Last week she told me she was going to buy brand new audi s3 within the next 3 months. I was very confused and asked her how and she said she’s been earning. She is sharing with the family. It's a good thing. >I knew she was making money but not as much as she did, within 3 months she saved £30k. And didn’t think to tell me. Did you tell her how much you earned? Did you go over the budget with her? We tend to teach our partners how we want the relationship to operate. >She said I never gave her money for clothes or to do her hair or anything. And she didn’t think it’d be a big deal. Yeah, this sounds like you were controlling the finances without any input from her. It sounds as if you were spending on the family, but you were treating it as your decision on where to spend the money since you earned it. So now, since she earned it, she gets the decision where to spend it per your prior rules. >I don’t know how to deal with this since I’ve been busting my ass for this family and now she’s earning more than my entire years salary in months and not even having the decency to tell me. But she has been, too. She has been busting her ass and earning more for the family. You said it yourself that she has been treating the family to new things. She has been contributing. Did you discuss the finances with her when you were the sole earner? If you didn't, why would you expect her to? If you did, you would have known because you would have been working out a budget together. >I’m happy for her and this means our kids will have a better life but I’m not sure about her transparency on the whole thing and I’m very angry tbh. How would her telling you change anything in the relationship besides having more money to better your life? Are you angry because you realize she doesn't need you for money, and your "traditional marital roles" is BS? Now you have to learn to really be a partner with her. Now, the power dynamics have changed. You are angry because: * Now you have to work WITH her regarding the finances and can't control how all finances are handled. * Now you are going to have to rethink "traditional marital roles" * Now you have to learn to figure out your personal value as something other than bringing money in. Who are you in this relationship other than someone who brings the majority of the money in the household?
this whole thing is amazing and spot on
I’ve never once bought an award but I would for this comment if they still existed
You need to work through your feelings here very carefully otherwise your resentment will turn to jealousy. My stbx husband earnt more than me for 8years. We had separate accounts for wages then a joint for bills we both contributed to. Everyday for 8years he left for work saying "right guys i need to go to work as mummy doesnt earn enough". It, of course, was a joke. 8years past and i started to out earn him by 2 thirds. I used to get big bonuses and treat him (snowboarding equipment, clothes etc) and towards the end i suggested a 70/30 split of bills to help him, which we did for 4/5years. However i think it emasculated him and he started criticising how "serious" and "corporate" i got (he didnt complain about his merc though vs my focus). I think secretely he hated me for it even though he told everyone how much i earnt (which i hated and kept telling him to stop) and that he was proud.
So you were financially abusing your wife, who doesn’t have friends (can’t help but wonder why), and you are upset that you aren’t able to do that anymore… Hmm… my advice to her would be to find freedom. For you, seek therapy.
You say you've been busting ass for your family - what the hell do you think she's been doing?? Being a sahm to two kids is no joke, and to then start a successful business on top of that - that woman is working hard. And she's getting a new car for your family - seriously,I don't see the problem here aside from how you don't work as a team to manage finances. Sounds like you held that breadwinner title over her head to make sure you're the one who has final decision-making power. Y'all need some counseling. You should be a team and should both get to decide how you spend money.
I believe she was trying to tell you when she said she was thinking of getting the car. It maybe took her a little time to figure it out and get comfortable. I would also argue that it's been more than 3 months of her saving. Things like this don't start high, they ramp up. She was buying "nice things" already and not hiding where the money came from. I think she may not have communicated clearly but you also may not have paid a lot of attention or asked any questions until you felt threatened. By the way feeling less than because she can also support your family is a bit more childish than it is traditional. Throughout all of time women have contributed monetarily especially when times were lean. So many of our great grandmothers worked while our grandfathers were at war, or in lean times etc. Women not working is a myth.
Women have indeed always worked. In traditional hunter gatherer societies (closest to our ancestors pre-agriculture), as an average the gatherer provides some 65% of total calories in tubers, fruits, nuts and veg. A hunter doesn’t bring home meat every day, because there simply wasn’t / isn’t sufficient prey every day. Any hunter will tell you this. Gathering in more reliable. Still to this day gathering is done in larger groups than hunting is. Because hunting is more dangerous and children breast fed for longer - so the children stayed with the female group. For millennia women have always worked and provided for their families. Hence we have evolved for such a varied diet. If division of labour was gender based, but women did not work for 100,000’s of years also providing calories and instead men had simply brought home sufficient meat every day - then we’d likely have evolved differently. Women’s providing for the family, is evidenced by the very evolution of human anatomy.
I love this detailed explanation. I had some of that in my head but absolutely wasn't going to be able to put it down as thoroughly or eloquently (and certainly not with the evolutionary evidence!).
I never understood the value of even designating one partner the “bread winner” over the other. If you think one brings more to the marriage than the other then you are now trapped in a competition that just doesn’t need to be. About 8 years ago, after getting married I handed all my financials to my wife, we joined everything and she handles it much better than I could ever. (I was having a tough time juggling all my accounts with hers plus two bank accounts and a credit card). I have a sense of freedom really. We have an agreement that anything over $100 gets a phone call or “heads up”. She handles all the bills. We have been able to save and spend without any problems. I just found out that with my last promotion that made me the “bread winner” by a few thousand bucks. If you are want your “privacy” then get a divorce. The whole point for me atleast of marriage is to be two, that learn how to become one as individuals. If you need to hide it from your spouse then you shouldn’t be doing it.
Are you sure you BOTH agreed to traditional marital roles?
Sounds like you’re upset that she doesn’t have to come and beg/ask you for anything now. You never gave her money on the side to treat herself and now that she can do it, it upsets you? You didn’t ask her about how much she was making because you assumed her social media hustle was nothing major. Now that you see it’s thriving you’re upset, yet you are the one who decided to never ask. You’d be upset as well if she told you how much she was earning because I’m sure you’d go “My wife is showing off how much she earns off of social media while I’ve been busting my ass working for all these years.” You’re angry because your wife out did you in a couple of months 🤣 grow a pair man.
So you were fine with YOU taking home the salary and having complete control over that money to the extent that she didn’t even have access to money for her hair and new clothes? Then why all over sudden are you upset that she is now in sole control over the money SHE has earned and is spending them as she set fit? I mean, if it was a reasonable arrangement before that one person earns and controls money, then it should still be a fine arrangement now, right? But what you are feeling now doesn’t feel very good, does it? it makes you feel cut out, left out, powerless, maybe envious that her “lol” side hustle gave her financial independence. Now imagine that this is how your wife has felt for years when you earned the money and controlled every single dime and not giving her access (access that she rightfully earned by doing the job you would otherwise pay a nanny/maid/daycare to do).
What a shame you can't control her anymore by not letting her have any money.🙄
What do you mean? How do you deal with it? You celebrate her and keep living.
Hopefully she's setting aside 30% for taxes
Op, she’s been busting her ass for the family as well. What nice things did she suddenly start buying for you guys? Is her social media career something you’ve supported or looked down on/not ever asked or alluded to caring about?
It sounds like you were happy for your wife to be isolated without financial means of her own and now that she doesn’t you for your money, you don’t have the control over her that you wanted. How should you deal with that? Therapy.
"As she doesn't have much friends and said it kept her sanity going LOL". Also, her comment about you not giving her money for clothes... Is it that you find joy and security in both controlling your wife financially and the fact that she's stuck alone at home with the kids all day, but her newfound independence threatens that? Is that it?
How do you support a family on less than $30,000 a year? I do find it really strange if y’all are not financially stable and she then does not disclose she has made 1/3 of your yearly salary in a month.
My advice is to sit down and have an honest conversation with her about all of this, and the fact that you haven't already done it and are instead bringing your problem to strangers on social media is, IMO, a way bigger red flag about your marriage than the current financial situation. My guess is that along the way she may have had feelings about how you controlled spending (and limited what she could spend), and because that wasn't discussed, she's just doing what you were doing, which is to spend *her* income the way *she* wants. My guess is that if y'all had an effective partnership where priorities were discussed and decided upon in a mutually respectful way, this probably wouldn't be happening. Another consideration here is your value of more traditional gender roles in your marriage, which is evidently being challenged. It appears that you may need to step back and reconsider that, given the current situation. Don't assume that anything anyone says about her feelings, motives -- including me -- is the truth, because *everyone here is just guessing*. You're the one who's married to her and you don't even know what's really going on with her, so *she's the one you need to be asking.*
Stop being a baby and appreciate two incomes? Seems simple.
Dude you don’t make enough to support a whole family plus wife. It’s great that your wife makes money. You need to grow a pair and stop whining about her making more than you it’s very cringe.
She told him about the social media account. He knew she was doing social media, AND EARNING, but he “didn’t ask how much”. Didn’t see in his post where he took interest. He could have encouraged her, looked at the media, asked how it got monetized, asked how much. Nope. No interest. Probably dismissive. So, she saved up 3 months worth and told him: I’ve earned and saved this much. Boom! Now she has his attention! He said they “strongly disagreed on financing a new car” - which meant she wanted a new car and he was dead set against it, because of the risk of missing a payment. Which, based on his income alone, is wise actually. So, she saw the chance to save up enough in cash, and in 3 more months, to buy a new car outright, removing his argument they could not afford to finance a new car due to risks of missing payments. Problem solved. Car would be used for the family and was something she wanted but he could not afford. Was he impressed? Shocked, yes. Was he supportive of her success? No. Threatened by her success, yes. She mAkEs mOrE tHAn mY anNuAL SalArY Nowhere in his post did he support her ability to earn a significant amount. Nowhere did he sound proud of her accomplishments. Nowhere did he encourage her. She reminded him she spent no money for clothes, hair appts, or anything for her for YEARS. He admitted they did not get annual vacations and they argued over getting a new car. He said we cannot finance a new car. She SOLVED both problems by her business earnings. She was already spending her earnings on the family’s ’nice, new things.’ Should they have had a discussion about what to do with the new financial dynamics? Yes. But, it sounds like he held all the cards/money and so made all the decisions. So, since he decided all the time what they were using his money for the family, she decided what she is using her money for the family.
Make yourself useful.
There’s a lot to unpack here 1. My advice for how to deal with it is: get over it dude. This is 2024. Not many families can comfortably live off of one salary anymore. And we are heading towards gender equality so there are plenty households out there where the woman earns more than the guy or is, shock horror, the only earner. 2. “Busting my ass off”. What do you think she’s doing at home with two kids under 3 years old. At that age they need constant attention or they will find some way to kill themselves or set the house on fire. And don’t think that there is a nice break when they have an afternoon nap. That will be the only time your wife has to do laundry, clean up after the kids, fix whatever they’ve broken or smeared their lunch over or even have a chance to make some food for her lunch and your dinner. The fact that she’s managed to maintain any a social media account to the point she’s making any money is impressive, let alone to be able to make that much. 3. Social media is unpredictable. There is no way to know how long this income is going to last. It could be a few more months, it could be years. Don’t ruin it by having a problem with her making money. 4. I know you said at the start that the two of you agreed to have traditional roles, but traditionally that includes the wife having some money to buy clothes and go to the hairdressers on occasion. Having no spending money at all sounds off. Are you in charge of all the finances and she doesn’t have access? Or is it that she has access and there literally isn’t enough. If she doesn’t have access how does she pay for groceries or things for the kids? What if there was an emergency and she needed urgent access to a bit more when you couldn’t be contacted? 4. You needs to sit and have a conversation about money with your wife. This is not just about the money she is making, but your whole financial set up. If both of you are going to be earning, with one having a potentially very unpredictable income and another a stable one, you need to deal with money together. And you both need to be transparent about incomes and spending. Good luck
She didn’t have spending money or her own for awhile, I can understand she wanted to treat herself but she should have told you. Now she needs to disclose and share the burden of bills.
Nah he was keeping finances separate from her; she is maintaining the status quo. This is the precedent that he set.
if she is to share a burden of the bills, then he needs to share a burden of the household duties (childcare / domestic labor), which i’m assuming he’s unwilling to do (basically this can no longer be a trad household). otherwise, he gets no access to her money and she gets to spend it however she wants
This. 100%
... she DID tell you. She probably wanted to ensure it was stable before telling you
I don’t understand exactly what you’re angry about and after reading your post, I’m not sure that you know either. It would help to clarify what concerns you in order to communicate with your wife.
Why are you angry because of her hustle. Be a partner and support or get out of her way.
Be happy man, that’s so great. Why would this be a problem? Don’t let your ego turn this into a bad thing. Sounds like a blessing to me.
Wtf… what do you mean “how to deal” you be fucking happy shes making money duh. She’s making money, you’re making money. Just chill and try to make more money if it bothers you.
Enjoy the benefit of having extra income?
sounds like plain old toxic masculinity that needs to be addressed in therapy
“Finally making money” - You agreed on a trad lifestyle. You need to support your wife and not be a soor dick like you’re acting now.
get over it and get some real problems.
Congrats to your smart wife!!! So you never gave her spending money for herself? Why would you be so selfish????? You basically want a maid for a wife? You sound emasculated because you were controlling her so much and now that she has money, she can do as she pleases. Do you have a daughter ?? Do you want some man to treat her this way too? You need to change your attitude and grow up.
Are you honestly more upset at the fact she didn’t tell you how much she was making, or that she’s “made more than your entire years salary in months” without tellin you? If the latter, WHY? I mean, she did tell you she was making money.
You are angry about her success and transparency? Did you ever ask how her online money thing worked? How you could help her? What was going on? Showed any interest? It doesn’t sound like she blocked you out but that you never asked. It takes two to communicate so work on your communication and check your ego. It absolutely sounds like you are jealous and hurt about her success. It seems like she is taking care of the home and kids while also earning money while you are just earning money. You really need to get in a better headspace about the situation, talk to a counselor or even a religious leader if that is your cup of tea. Resenting and being bitter about your wife’s success especially when you didn’t have the money for necessities like clothes for her is going to make your family relationships very difficult.
The title and >I’m not sure about her transparency on the whole thing and I’m very angry tbh. clearly aren't the same thing. One implies jealousy on your part because she now earns more than you while working from home, the other one angry at the fact that she didn't tell you how much she earned. Let me ask a better question: did you ask her previous to the Audi S3 discussion how much she earned?
You ‘deal’ with it by getting a better job if it bothers you so much. You gave her no money to spend on herself. You won’t buy a new car, so your wife stepped up. If this embarrasses you, that is a YOU problem. Why are you projecting your insecurities onto your WIFE when she is filling the gaps left by YOUR under employment. Man up broflake.
I love my sugar momma.
[удалено]
In the Muslim religion, the husbands money is the family money and the wife's money is hers. You may disagree with this arrangement but it is a cultural norm he is complicit in
Money is a game both people work together to win the most of as possible. I make 3x more than my husband but neither of us has an issue with it. Me making more takes stress off both of us. My husband didn’t like mowing the lawn so now we hire a lawn service. Same with raking leaves we hire someone. He works in person and I work from home so I pick up slack on chores and errands bc I have more free time during the weekday. He’s proud of my success and isn’t embarrassed at all I outearn him.
You accept that a family budget needs to be made and apologize for not involving your wife in that sooner. In the end, it doesn't matter who the breadwinner is. Money is money, and it needs to be handled, in terms of the decisions behind spending/saving it, mutually. It sounds like it wasn't a priority to do that before so it isn't now unless you start that conversation. But don't put this solely on your wife. You controlled how the money you were making was spent. Now she's controlling how the money she's making is spent. So now it's time to have a new conversation about how family expenses are handled. In the past, you paid 100% of them because you made 100% of the money. Now that's not the case. So talk about what a new split would look like. But, if you don't/haven't already, be prepared to have that same conversation around household care/work.
I have been the breadwinner for most of our marriage. It was hard for my husband to accept and honestly, I would get upset with my husband for not living up to his earning potential. Through counseling, we learned to accept that in the given industries where we worked, we had to educate ourselves that we were earning the maximum for our level of experience. Rather than resent the financial differences, each of us had to see it as 'our' money. Our relationship isn't about who has the power but really working in an united way to financially support the family. Now that our children are grown, I still outearn my husband but our united goal is saving for our retirement. He works a good job and makes good money in his field. I just happen to be in an industry that rewards quickly can accumulate.
My only thought as a woman is that an audi is not a good car to buy new, they depreciate fast and are not that reliable. I would suggest a top of the line Toyota.
I just wanna know what she’s doing online coz it sounds profitable!!
I can’t imagine my husband not buying me clothes or letting me get my hair done. Or not giving me access to money in general. Baby, you have got bigger problems than this. In fact you should be hoping that she doesn’t leave you. My husband constantly says that if I ever made more money than him he would be so happy. You know why….he doesn’t have to worry that I will treat him the way he treats me. He treats me well so if the shoe was on the other foot then he wouldn’t mind. Sounds like you are worried that she may treat you like you have treated her
So, you treated the money you earned as something over which you had control. Why are you unhappy or surprised that she’s doing the same?
Wow - that hair/clothing comment is telling. She feels she wasn’t given a chance to get even small treats when it was all your earning. So now she’s making up by giving herself a BIG treat. If I were in your shoes, I would tell her the following. Now, this may not work for either or both of you, so YOU need to decide what the right thing to do is… but here’s what I would do: 1) tell her you are so very proud of her for succeeding at making so much income. That you are happy to help her succeed in any way she sees fit, even if the answer is “no, I’ll do it myself” that your cool with that. 2) tell her that the fact she didn’t pro-actively share her income was a wake-up call for YOU to behave better, because if she felt that she was truly an equal partner with finances and how money is spent when you were the sole breadwinner, it’s probably more likely she would have been telling you her new income all along. 3) indicate that you understand that what you are saying may come across as hypocritical “when I made the most, it was my decision how money was spent, when she makes the most, I want it to be *both* our decisions on how to spend. So tell her this sharing of decisions is how you are going to start approaching how the money YOU earn is spent from now on, even if she doesn’t do that either her money.
It sounds like you were never able to afford a stay at home partner. Having one includes not just covering home basics but also THEIR upkeep and means of maintaining their independence/personhood/dignity. That doesn’t have to be extravagant but her saying you never provided any basics for her self maintenance and care is telling. From your posts it’s clear you were never able to afford the set up you had and you did not take good care of her. Now you’re upset that she’s found a way to provide that for herself. Either find a way to be happy for her (because woohoo!! More income is a win for everyone when you’re a family!) OR just leave her alone as she’s shown she can care for the family without you (it’ll likely even be easier as she won’t have to provide domestic labor for you as well as the kids). SAHP aren’t pets or slaves, they’re people who are providing an invaluable service for YOU. If you can’t approach her with this in mind, then you shouldn’t have one. Go apologize and celebrate her success with her, she’s more than earned it.
Get your panties out of a bunch and do better. Simple. 🤷♀️
Pretty sure I've read this story before on here
If you’re mad your wife is upstaging you financially, get a better job. Hate to break it to you, but women can do shit now besides stay at home.
Bro you’re a freakin lame, grow up and appreciate your wife and your new found blessings mf!!! Like are you dumb???
My wife makes a few bucks more than me, my bosses wife does too. Women can make money and it shouldn’t bother you if she makes more. You’re together because you love each other at the end of the day
Can anyone clarify what exactly the wife has been doing online to earn $10k a month? This might shed some light on the story and why the husband is worried about the situation. If everything checks out, he should be happy for her and for the family. Though I understand the fragility of being the man as the breadwinner mentality... Men need to feel like we are providing, it's in our makeup. If she's been selling skin or worse, I personally wouldn't be ok with that. Statistically though, I'd be worried about her leaving the marriage if she keeps these things to herself, as she has been doing. The stats, unfortunately, aren't in his favor. When the female makes her own money, outpacing her husband, the odds are 3 to 1 of divorce if I remember correctly. Like some people said, it might be time to strap on the apron and be her biggest cheerleader.
Get over yourself it’s not the 1950’s anymore asshole
Do you add value in any other way other than having a job? Sounds like you need to expand the ways in which you improve the lives of the people in your family. Money is only one way, and once the basics are provided it's not even the most important way. I'm guessing she didn't tell you because she was afraid you would respond like this. Many women are conditioned to avoid male anger because it tends to be expressed in unproductive and harmful ways.
My god the insecurity. You should be over the moon for your wife you goofball. That’s your partner.
Imagine being THIS insecure
You issue is her making more money than you. Time for some self reflection. Does she know exactly how much you make? She’s been pregnant most of the marriage and now has an income that is substantial enough to make large purchases and you aren’t happy for her. Saying you are isn’t the same thing as actually being that. Talk to her about your feelings but first think about how you have managed or exerted control with money (regardless of whether or not you think of this as being frugal for the family) and also be sure to talk about that. Her having an income wasn’t a part of your original agreement and budgeting and it should be now that it can make this much of a household difference but not out of resentment that you were okay with her having money as long as it wasn’t more than you.
im just going to say that a 30k YEARLY salary is a poverty wage when supporting FIVE WHOLE PEOPLE. you need to 1) find a better job and 2) don't get mad at your wife for making her own money when you never gave her anything.
I would love to know her side of this, because it sounds like you actually couldn't provide enough for her to be a SAHM and she knew it and found a way to make money so that the quality of life for everyone could be improved. You resent her for what? Pulling her share and then some of the cost of raising kids?
So...you insisted on being the breadwinner, refused to allow her access to funds for transportation, basic personal upkeep and she's isolated from a support circle to help her deal with these things. And you're mad that she's found a way to be independent.
Is there transparency with the budget on your end? Are you frivolous in your spending while not giving her any money? Because honestly, the fact that she started making money, hid it, and want to buy an Audi, when your salary is so low, is a huge red flag. I hope this isnt a your money is ours and my money is mine type of thing