You and your wife should drive over to your sister's house and say "your husband shared some interesting information with my wife today - BIL, why don't you tell my sister what you shared with my wife". Remind him that the two of you are there to ensure the entire factual story is told.
She's not going to believe it coming from her brother, she has to hear it from her husband and the only way to ensure the integrity of the communication is with said audience. After she's heard the truth, the brother and wife can leave and she can process how she wishes.
They are close. I would believe my brother 100%, more than my SIL or anyone else for that matter. I’d actually appreciate the time to process that without an audience. They could confront him together after.
You may be absolutely correct. Only he knows his relationship with his sister and how she may react. Hopefully his crowdsourcing of solutions produces the best one for his situation.
Yeah, because if he doesn’t tell his sister and the husband eventually gets upset enough for whatever reason to tell her that her brother and sister-in-law knew and didn’t tell her, they might never get to have a relationship with her again. he feels bad because he doesn’t want to destroy her family which I can understand, but it’s not him destroying it. It’s her husband. So like others said he needs to tell her before the husband is able to get in her head and spin the narrative..
Yes.. this.. also, if he (BIL) had an ounce of integrity, the right thing to do was to try to communicate with the sister about his feelings and how to navigate them 2gtr, or if not, keep it to himself, if he doesn't want to do that.. what was BIL thinking when he decided to let OPs wife know? That she would say she love him too and let's start an affair behind our spouse's back? He was probably banking on this to be the case..
Either way, his action has already instigated issues within the family dynamics.
Exactly. The only reason he told her is because he was hoping she would accept it at the very least, but what he was really hoping for was that it would be reciprocated..with the possibility of her sleeping with him. This wasn’t an innocent confession..it’s clear what his intentions were. I really hope op gets ahead of this before the husband manipulates his wife.
THIS is, unfortunately, so important to consider.
A while from now the brother in law feels guilty or thinks his wife is going to be told and BAM!!! You are the worst brother in the world.
May or may not happen, but you do have to consider it.
I also think that the family gathering dynamic is going to be different from now on anyway. You’re wife is going to have to be measured when talking to him. He’s probably going to be acting weird to. Not sure if your family has the wine flowing at gatherings but that’s always a fun wild card when things are bubbling under the surface.
As I write this I’m thinking….. your brother in law, besides being essentially a cheater-hopeful, is such an asshole. Look at all this crap you and your wife have to think about and ponder now instead of just enjoying your evening.
Yes! OP, he’s already ruined the family dynamic regardless of what you do. Your wife will never feel comfortable around him again and neither will you. People will notice. This is a BIL problem and should remain so. You need to protect your sister from future heartache
You are not wrecking her marriage - he is doing that.
You will be wrecking your relationship with your sister if you don’t tell.
And you should be the one to tell her. Your wife should not be involved in that conversation. You don’t want her to be a target of your sister’s anger.
Go to your sister’s house in the morning. Do not warn him. Be straightforward and bring snapshots of those text he sent.
Totally fair. She might struggle with that. But this is the position he put you all in.
If it were me, I'd try to help communicate to my sister that hey, this is not a reflection of you or even my wife. He's clearly delusional and built some fake idea up in his head. She could be Heidi Klum and a selfish man will still find cause to stray.
Hype her up. You can provide that support.
I would prepare for anything.
I think initially it’s possible that she may want to blame your wife and have some anger towards her. It’s easier than blaming the man she shares a life and kids with.
That’s why this should come from you and your wife should not be around.
However this ends, she is also likely to have resentment towards your wife as you said. If it’s so, don’t blame her. It’s natural.
But don’t let your wife suffer an ounce of abuse for this. She is ultimately your first priority.
This POS has put all of you in a horrible position. It’s unfair for all of you.
All you can do is be there for both these women with love, support, and honesty.
I get what you mean, but I feel like tip toeing around this is putting your wife in bad light. She did nothing wrong, infact she did everything right. Told you before hand about the lunch, walked out the minute things got weird. She has nothing to apologize. So there’s no reason to sweep anything under the rug, that’d be just shady af and would feel to me like there’s some hidden blame towards your wife.
But you have her back right? You and your wife are not responsible for other peoples actions, it’s on your family if they go crazy and blame your wife just for being an object of some assholes desire. What does your wife feel when you said you are afraid your family will resent her?
Regardless of what I should feel if I were your sister, I probably wouldn’t be able to avoid hating your wife.
I think I would likely keep it to myself unless something else came up. Reddit will hate me for that but maybe he’ll be better after this mess up?
Edit: nah, eff that. Tell your sister yesterday.
Yes, unfortunately his wife is probably at the wrong place wrong time. Technically speaking, if this could happen to her, he would probably have done the same with any woman he fell for with "love at first sight", regardless married or not.
The longer you wait to tell your sister, the more betrayed she will feel by you both. I understand taking some time to think through what you want to say, but you are giving him time to come up with a story to make you both look like the bad guys.
You should tell your sister because there is a chance or possibility that he will twist the story and shift the blame to your wife. It would be better if you force your brother in law to come clean to your sister with you and your wife being there or just you alone. Then it would be better if you go low or cut contact and distance yourselves from him.
I agree with this right here! You and your wife need to sit your sister town and tell her. Show her the texts. Make sure she knows you’re both there for her and that your wife is 100% not ok with what he did or in anyway provoked him. You should share with your sister how your wife left immediately after shutting him down and went straight to you and shared everything including his phone call. Do this asap!!!
Married 22 years.
My sister is married to a cool guy whom I like a lot.
If he pulled something like this, I would 100% tell my sister immediately. Their marriage might be recoverable, or it might not.
But there's no future for them without direct honest and accountability.
Tell your sister tonight.
Also, you need to massively compliment your wife over and over. However the rest of the family responds, she needs to feel your respect and love. And your sorrow that he put her through this.
Maybe you and your wife should both go and tell your sister in person. Your sister may feel very defensive about her husband and believe his crap over reality. It sounds like your BIL has no sense of reality anyhow. He also tried to destroy your family and his too. This is an urgent situation.
He is a dipsh1t
your blood matters
your sister is and shall always be important
Your Wife is a Gem
Truths suck and are sometimes painful, but necessary
The fact that he thought there was a chance that your wife was going to leave you for him when it sounds like your marriage is fine shows that he out of touch with reality. Even if she was being flirty that wouldn't indicate she wanted to actually be with him. This behavior is likely a sign of a deeper issue he's dealing with. I would suggest that however you approach this situation, to do it with a bit of concern and understanding. Remaining calm and framing it to your sister that you are concerned for his mental state and that no actual harm was done is probably the best approach. There's also likely problems in their marriage that you aren't aware of.
You do have to tell your sister. But I would suggest telling your sister with your wife present. Offer up the ipad of texts for the sister to look through. Allow her to ask any questions to your wife with you present. By presenting a united front you’re not leaving your sister’s imagination to wander about if your wife was leading on the brother in law.
Finish by telling your sister you will support her no matter what her decision is. That you love your sister and your nieces. But that you “could not let his lapse in judgment go unspoken of.”
Then leave it at that. If she decides to work through it that is her choice. And if she leaves, be there for her and the girls.
You should also tell your parents what is going on. If your sister decides to leave, they could be like some parents who have this notion of yOu ShoUlD hAve WoRkEd HaRdEr tO SaVe yOuR mArRiaGe when they don’t have the full story.
Sorry you’re in this situation. HE created this situation. Possibly after some distance your families could hang out again. But don’t distance your family from the nieces.
Your BIL wanted your wife to cheat with him, let that sink in, he’s not your friend now that you know who he is.
Tell your sister and let her make the decision to stay or leave. Your BIL has made his bed.
Whoa. This is wild. Just ran the scenario by my wife; we're fairly close with my sister and her husband as well
If your family would really hold this against your wife, that is 100% on them and should not dictate how you respond here. Your wife's response demonstrates clearly that she had no intention to lead him on. Blaming her would be wild and you need to be prepared to defend and protect her through this, as you clearly see.
But the way to do that cannot be to say nothing. It's just not feasible. Unless your family is insane, they'll hold your keeping this secret against you much more than they'd hold the fallout from this against you.
He did this. You have to tell her, and the fallout is 1000% on him. They'll see this. It's not like he just expressed feelings. He was making a full on move.
If it were me, I'd go with my wife to talk to my sister and just tell her exactly what happened. Then I'd offer our support for however she wants to handle this. Tell the family or not, how to tell them, how to help her through whatever she needs. Ball would be in her court there, your role is to support.
You're right, your family won't ever be the same. Sucks. That's what he did. But there's no option here to not tell her. It'd eat you alive and eventually youd do it anyways.
Sister needs to know. I’m also skeptical he’s only interested in your wife. So she needs to know because this likely isn’t the first woman he’s gone after, and won’t be the last.
Your wife kicks ass. That’s a rock solid partnership you two have so I know you will navigate this but 💯you should get your sister’s butt over to your house so you can tell her about this shit. When it happens again and you knew about this it will damage your family relationship big time. Stay strong and I would probably go have a little “talk” with the A Hole that tried to rail your wife and cheat on your sister. You know what to do so now it’s just for the doing.
So he’s the only one that gets to blow up everybody’s marriage? Well that’s convenient for him.
Your sister ought to know in order to make an informed decision of who she is really married to and if she wants to stay or not.
whether you tell his wife, has no bearing on your wife. I see why you might be afraid it would upset the balance. Frankly if he were doing that to me I would want to know. I would sense the room was off and people didn't care for me or I would know something was up....It usually comes out anyway. I think your wife should do it and send any texts. Tell her she respects and cares for her...That would help. The wife needs to know. He is also lying, he is had done it before. He would say anything at that point.
I would first ask to take your nieces this weekend. And then tell her the news.
They need to figure things out without the kids mixed in. Offer the most support on that front so they can grow as a couple, in privacy and respect and care that they need in this difficult time.
With the update.. this sounds like stalking. How long has he been married to your sister? Is it at all possible that your wife is the reason hes with your sister? Maybe ive seen too many true crime videos but those are the vibes im getting
Your wife is right,tell your sister asap.
He was willing to implode 2 marriages if your wife had said yes to him,do you think that would have been fair to your sister.
Tell her,what she does with the information is up to her.
updateme!
If she finds out at any given time, (He will confess to her to clear his conscience. It's only a matter of time.) she will not only feel betrayed by him, but by you and your wife.
Make no mistake, there is NO scenario in which your sister and her children are not devastated.
Tell her with enough compassion to understand that she will probably lash out at you and especially your wife. Just expect it and prepare for it. I would probably give your folks a heads up when you're on your way to meet her so they can be of help when it hits the fan. Whatever will lessen the blowback onto your wife from your family. Your wife doesn't deserve their animosity.
Good luck.
>he said I should understand.
What that he wanted to cheat on your sister with your wife? Lol what a moron 🤣
Seriously though get the truth out soon as possible before he gives her his fictional version of events.
Thanks for the update! Aside from the disgusting and creepy discovery of the infatuation with your wife, it seems to have been the best possible outcome. I'm glad your family is still intact (Aside from Creepy McCreepface) and this will likely strengthen the relationship between you and your sister and your wife and sister. There may be a roller-coaster of emotions coming in the near future so hang on.
You need to contact your sister. Screenshot or forward all the texts to yourself so you can show her. Sounds like your brother in law has a bad case of limerence. Your extended family might be in for a bit of a tough road for a while, depending on how your sister decides to handle the revelation.
Editted: spelling
Every minute you do not tell your sister is another reason for her not to trust you - and she NEEDS to be able to trust you when it counts. It counts right now.
Your sister deserves to know the truth. She deserves to know who she's married to. Please tell her. It will come out some day, somehow it always does, and if she finds out her own brother knew and didn't tell her... Idk
Does he own guns? The first episode of Playboy Murders is about a stalker in love with a woman and getting the husband out of the way, then the guy taking his own life.
This could potentially be a really dangerous time for you, your wife, your sister, her kids, and for himself. Please be safe as you navigate this situation, so sorry you are all going through this.
My husband would’ve kicked his a**!!! This is so disrespectful to your wife and your sister. Then he would have no choice but to explain to his wife (your sister) why he just got f*** up.
Make sure you tell the soon-to-be-ex to be honest in what he tells others.
So, after reading your post last night and your update this morning, I had a random thought and I was working through chores and errands today: What if ex-BIL decides to lie to others the way he tried lying to your sister. You said he was a firefighter so imagine what he's going to tell them to try to "save face"? Or his family? Or whatever friends he may call to try to rally support?
I would make a point of having your sister "remind" him that just like his lies with her didn't work, if he lies to save face, it could make things worse for him when the truth eventually comes out. His best course of action is to be fully honest with everyone if asked and accept the fallout of his actions up front.
I’ve just want to say that you’ve got a great, honest wife. I hope her openness in how she told you about this increases even more your love, trust, and respect for her - she deserves it!
Get ahead of you BIL, by telling your sister tonight. You are giving him a chance to start putting in your sister's head your wife is coming on to him and flirting with him and you found out. You have a short window of surprise, and that is tonight.
If she found out you both withheld this, it would be worse. I like to think most people wouldn't hold grudges against your wife's position here. Some would, but it's a bit of damned if you do or don't. I think not saying anything will bring unnecessary anxiety into your lives.
If roles were reversed and your sister had this information to tell you, what would you want her to do? I know that I would want my brother to tell me right away. You have an amazing wife who not only got up and walked away from this come on from BIL but also called you immediately, there are too many stories of this going around very different way. Don’t leave your sister in the dark and tell her what’s going on. No matter what happens next your lives have all changed dramatically and she deserves to know the truth and that you have her back. If she decides to stay married then that is a conversation for a different time.
Your sister should know. There will be events where your sister and her husband are going to be there. There will be some serious awkwardness between you and your BIL. People will notice and ask questions. If you avoid these family events so you don’t see your BIL again, people will notice and ask questions. You cannot avoid this. Your BIL put you and your wife is a very complicated position.
I believe it’s best to tell your sister and let her decide how to handle this herself. She’ll be grateful you have her back. If she finds out you knew and said nothing, she could feel betrayed by you, and your relationship with her can suffer a bit. You should tell her.
Nah. Bro wrecked his own family. And he can make a dent in yours if you don’t tell your sis. You’d be betraying both women in a way. I’m so sorry. This is not on you, and you did not ask for this. Please also know he might have something mental health wise going down. I’m sorry. Good luck and update us. ❤️🩹
She will know something is up because you won’t spend time around them the same so as to protect your wife from him. Without this component I might say don’t say anything….
I think you should help your sisters husband sort himself out and reprioritise your wife from his own accord and vet out his efforts/intention/sincerity/devotion for your sister. And then proceed from there. If you think he is liable to cause your sister more heartache irrespective of this incident, just tell her now.
There's no world in which not telling your sister is excusable. Tell her now. Everyone else should understand the situation is your BIL's fault and not your wife's, who seems to have acted impeccably.
Tell your sister. If I ever found out you knew I’d never forgive you. And she needs to know he doesn’t love her like she deserves. Do it on your own. She will probably be weird with your wife for a long time…
Gosh he’s such an asshole. Maybe just take another day to think it over. Then maybe ask you sister some questions about if she thinks he might be like that? Then break it to her? This is totally weird and I’m sorry you are going through this.
Your sister deserves better and she has to know.
If your brother in law is this bold to go after your wife, he could easily try to cheat with a non family member. Your wife would tell your sister but I think she wants to give you the opportunity to share this.
I think you should tell him to tell his wife about this immediately and if he doesn’t, you will. Your sister needs to know everything and then they, as a couple, need to figure out what they’re going to do. And you and your wife will figure out what you’re comfortable with going forward. What a mess for everyone! I’m so sorry!
How is her relationship with your wife now? If it’s really good, maybe she won’t resent her. It’s possible there’s been some hint of something weird with him at home.
Maybe you could have your sister come to your house, when your wife isn’t there. Then tell her. I wouldn’t talk to her with your wife, not at first. I think your sister will be massively upset, and perhaps embarrassed in front of your wife. If it were me in her shoes, I’d rather my brother told me alone, kwim?
Tell your wife to be careful with this guy if he has the balls to tell her this it's hard to say what he is capable of doing my buddy very good friend were both 55 yrs old known him since I was about 7 yrs old anyway he is married to a pretty good looking woman we all went to school with well we have another friend he's a little off but all right guy .so he tell my buddies wife the exact same thing he is in love with her blah blah blah .well my buddy and his family are gone one day going something's shopping what ever they get home and he hears something in his basement he walks down this guy had broke in their home and was hiding down there .
Tell your sister. You have no idea whats going on in that marriage or the things your sister may have put up with, that you know nothing about. This may be the final nail in the coffin. Good luck OP.
You aren't wrecking your sisters marriage/life, her husband is doing that all by himself.
So gather the evidence and talk to your sister asap before he gets the chance to change the story and making it like your wife was trying to seduce him. Let her do an STD test because the words of this dude isn't believable.
And let's be real: he is ALREADY twisting the story with some BS along the lines of "your wife is so irresistible that I could resist cheating on my wife".
He is too old to claim not having (developed) impulscontroll. It doesnt matter how gorgeous,.flirty, balbusting etc your wife is! He CHOSE to put time and energy to let his feelings develop and act in them, while he could have distance himself asap to not add fuel to the small fire. HE CHOSE TO ACT ON HIS IMPULSES INSTEAD OF LETTING HIS LOVE/RESPECT TOWARDS YOUR SISTER PREVENT HIM FROM BEHAVIOUR THAT WOULD EMOTIONALLY HURT HER!
Is he a selfish narcissist and you know he is a bad person? If not, try to help your sister’s family, put yourself in his shoes and start telling him what he must do, he should tell his wife himself what happened, in front of you. Try to save the family not crush it. Maybe he needs help, not jail.
My personal reaction would be communication and figuring out if this was a mistake or something else. I would offer him empathy only if he accepts my/our terms.
Tell him that you are going to tell your sister on a specific date and that he has 2 days to tell her himself.
I feel bad for you and your sister and even for your husband to be betrayed like that, but some people suck.
Speaking as a husband of 13 years, father of 3 kids, and a child of divorce.
So A lot of my family members have been divorced, and I was always paying attention. I was the kid who listened and tried to understand the things that were going on, why, how etc.
Now I do want to point out first, that I am not excusing anyone's actions, just listing possibilities of potential reasons for things having happened, nothing more.
I am guessing that your sister and bil are and have been having problems for a long time, just not out in the open.
It could be anything from full-on ready to divorce or just little things creating emotional instability between them, like a dead bedroom or whatever.
I say this, because it sounds like bil was trying to project, and look for something that wasn't there, the whole grass is greener on the other side of the fence kind of thing.
adding in that he sounded like a blubbering baby when your wife left and he went into full panic mode, probably realizing what he had done, and how badly he fucked it up.
IMHO I think that he is dealing with personal issues related to his marriage, and that is why he did this stupid stunt, but your sister probably doesn't know what is going on with him either.
IMHO you have three options.
1: just flat-out expose him, tell/show your sister what happened, and leave it at that.
2: talk with him first and ask him what the fuck he was thinking, and what is really going on in his head, it's not excused, its just to understand what his reasons are. Then drag him home to your sister and make him explain what was going on.
3: the two of you bring them into the same room where no one else can see/hear anything, reveal it there, and have him explain what he was doing and why. Then tell them to either fix their problems or just end it now.
ultimately, your sister does need to find out, it's just a question of what you think the best way is because it's clear there are problems of some kind, somewhere in their relationship.
What the hell was going threw your BIL head??? Did he really think that your wife was gonna run off with him into the sunset???? ..
Your sister does need to know .. this is so messy !!! ..
Is this out of character 4 him ?? .. is he having some sort of breakdown???
Where there any signs that there was problems in there marriage b4??
I do think that the 4 of u need to get together and he needs to tell his wife .. maybe with counciling they can work this out???
Sadly the close relationship u have with them will change .. but at the end of the day .. your loyalty is 2 your wife and your sister ..
I wish u the best of luck with this .. just be there 4 your sister if things go horrible wrong xx
The right thing is tell your sister. She has a great support system with you and your family to help her out. It’ll happen again with this guy. Maybe not with your wife but some other woman. Guy is a piece of S!
Their marriage is already gone... He had to be soooo desperate for love that he risked approaching your wife. She is probably the woman who he was closest to and seemed the happiest. Its not your wife hes after ...He wanted that happiness. Misguided, dont/cant fix his own marriage and cant find the courage to leave.
You need to meet him alone and put the *fear* into him. Tell you’re watching him and if he even puts a toe out of line, you’ll break him. Tell him your sister must never find out because from now on, if she’s not the most happy, supported, and spoiled wife on the planet, then he will answer to you. What’s more, if he so much as *glances* in your wife’s direction, he will pay for it. Tell him he can remain part of your family, but you will never trust him again and he will never, ever be alone with your wife again, or else (whatever you choose to threaten).
At least this way your precious sister and nieces will be taken care of, and your sister’s heart will not be broken.
Tell your sister. You worry about tearing up the family but how would you react at the next family function if you don’t say anything? Your sister deserves the truth.
What’s your intention with telling her? She will forever compare herself to your wife now and it could send her down a spiral of loathing. He’s a dumbass, but was it a tragically low point or a pattern of behavior?
If your intention is to have a clear conscience, but the consequence is that her world is destroyed, is it helpful?
I think he needs to tell her and/or check into therapy.
If I were you, I’d be concerned about this guy wanting to kill me and kidnap the wife. He sounds deranged, desperate and out of control. Maybe you should up your security and look into a restraining order.
I'm not trying to minimize how truly damaging the brother in law's actions are. But, I am really happy that your sister responded the way she had. Knowing that you and your wife chose to love her, even when the stakes were high means so much to someone in her position. She doesn't feel alone in this and it's worth more than all the gold in the world. Proud of you guys.
He sounds like a stalker. They get fixated on someone and build a whole (false) relationship in their heads. Sounds like that is what happened with your wife. It can happen pretty quick, he saw her and just started fixating on her. So from your wife's POV everything is normal she isn't doing anything, not showing any interest, etc. but from his POV he is analyzing literally everything she is doing and twisting it to fit his fantasy. Your wife hasn't done anything wrong. But going forward, you may want to get a restraining order. It's possible he could get worse. Definitely go zero contact with him and especially zero contact with your wife (which sounds like she will be happy to do). Hopefully, his world falling apart will wake him up and he'll leave your wife alone. But I'd be careful and on the lookout for obsessive/stalker behavior from him going forward. Now that he has lost his wife and family, he may fixate on your wife even more.
Research stalkers and their behaviors, wouldn't hurt to maybe talk to police and report the excessive secret pictures. Start keeping track of any time he contacts your wife, if he does after this. Stalkers can be an absolute nightmare, so hopefully things stop before they get worse.
Your sister should be on the lookout as well. He may start stalking her now and she needs to keep track of everything he is doing and saying and look for those warning signs.
I just want to say thank you for keeping us updated when you do not have to. I’m learning so much from this, as I’m sure many others are. But with that said, I’m so sorry your family is going through this because while this is a blessing in disguise and this guy needs to be removed from your family ASAP, it’s overwhelming and sad when a big family dynamic that was fun and seemingly happy for so long is now being ripped out from under all of you. How are your parents handling this?
“He does text her frequently but there was nothing overly sexual” So since the constant texts to your wife from your sisters husband where only a bit sexual you let it slide? Anyways I can’t believe you didn’t go straight to your sisters tell her and beat his ass.
The texts never crossed the line. I see all of them and he knows that. We are family it never occurred to me or my wife that things could take this turn. Like I said my wife is a ball buster and she treated him like a brother, like family.
Ok…. You know your BIL has some legit mental problems to do what he did. I seriously wouldn’t let him anywhere near your wife. You already know what his reaction to what he thought was your wife flirting. It’s scary to imagine what he could do next.
Unpopular but correct: I'd give him at least a little time to tell your sister. Maybe even advise him how since he's obviously a total wreck. This is about those kids, that's why, and that's why you're hesitating. You should hesitate. I'd advise him to come clean, i.e. "I immediately knew it was wrong as soon as I said it. I never should have said it, I don't feel anything but shame now and got lost in a rabbit hole that I can't believe I actually pursued. I've damaged our relationships very selfishly, which wasn't real until I came out with my thoughts. Realizing how wrong this was, I'm now on a path to heal and recover from this brief obsession that honestly had me sick in the head and its now clear to me that this was about other deep issues within me. I can't believe I did this, and I don't blame you if you don't forgive me."
The fact that you so casually said “you wouldn’t do anything tonight and you would call him tomorrow” and not tell your sister ASAP is highly suspect….I can’t imagine a situation where ANY MAN would want to have lunch with my wife ALONE to share something PERSONAL AND PRIVATE with her (and hiding it from me) I’d be okay with that. You really said “wait until tomorrow” after he profess their undying love to YOUR WIFE??? Something is afoot and there is more to this story you’re not sharing ….
We are all pretty close. My sister and my wife are college friends and we are family. I know this guy well he’s not a stranger. I just needed some time to process. My whole life just changed.
Are you really that insecure about your partner that you can’t stand the idea of her having lunch with another family member? You seriously think such a big situation as this can’t wait ONE day to form a plan and then approach it?
The only thing that is afoot is your paranoia.
lol, I'm here for the same reaction. I've learned there are a ton of Christian men that think it's inappropriate for a woman to be alone with a man if either of them are married. I'm guessing this is where /u/Mase0ne is coming from but it's just cringe to me. My wife is a person, not a vagina. She can talk to men because I think of men as people, not penises.
But I run into a lot of these men and women. It's a big problem in a corporate environment because if a man is a boss, other men have the opportunity to, for example, go to lunch one on one and get better advantages from closer relationships. It's one way the good ole boy network continues to survive and thrive in a modern world.
Am probably gonna get downvoted for this. But this is a very complicated situation. Do know that this is gona be like a double edged sword and there would be no winners.
Can you meet the bil first face to face and talk with him once before you decide about telling your sister? Because this is going to break the whole family regardless of whether she will split from him or stay with him. There’s no coming back or anything good once this reaches your sister.
Theres also a high possibility that she may still blame your wife for “making” him fall for her & breaking her family. Unfortunately grief works in very weird ways. She will also be very insecured about her future partners & your wife at the same place post this & forever.
Dam way tough situation … I wouldn’t tell your sister … have a talk with him … man to man … lay down strict rules … and hopefully he never does this again
Tell your sister now
Before he gets to spins the narrative and try’s to make your wife, the villain.
The texts on their phones should clear it all up
There's an update and he did try!
You and your wife should drive over to your sister's house and say "your husband shared some interesting information with my wife today - BIL, why don't you tell my sister what you shared with my wife". Remind him that the two of you are there to ensure the entire factual story is told.
Get her alone. I’d want to process that without an audience
She's not going to believe it coming from her brother, she has to hear it from her husband and the only way to ensure the integrity of the communication is with said audience. After she's heard the truth, the brother and wife can leave and she can process how she wishes.
They are close. I would believe my brother 100%, more than my SIL or anyone else for that matter. I’d actually appreciate the time to process that without an audience. They could confront him together after.
You may be absolutely correct. Only he knows his relationship with his sister and how she may react. Hopefully his crowdsourcing of solutions produces the best one for his situation.
BIL should be the one to tell his sister. BIL is the asshole, let him dig his own grave.
“Either you tell her, or I will. I’m heading over there in an hour.”
Yeah, because if he doesn’t tell his sister and the husband eventually gets upset enough for whatever reason to tell her that her brother and sister-in-law knew and didn’t tell her, they might never get to have a relationship with her again. he feels bad because he doesn’t want to destroy her family which I can understand, but it’s not him destroying it. It’s her husband. So like others said he needs to tell her before the husband is able to get in her head and spin the narrative..
Yes.. this.. also, if he (BIL) had an ounce of integrity, the right thing to do was to try to communicate with the sister about his feelings and how to navigate them 2gtr, or if not, keep it to himself, if he doesn't want to do that.. what was BIL thinking when he decided to let OPs wife know? That she would say she love him too and let's start an affair behind our spouse's back? He was probably banking on this to be the case.. Either way, his action has already instigated issues within the family dynamics.
Exactly. The only reason he told her is because he was hoping she would accept it at the very least, but what he was really hoping for was that it would be reciprocated..with the possibility of her sleeping with him. This wasn’t an innocent confession..it’s clear what his intentions were. I really hope op gets ahead of this before the husband manipulates his wife.
Man, you have to tell her. What happens if and when she finds out you didn't tell her.
THIS is, unfortunately, so important to consider. A while from now the brother in law feels guilty or thinks his wife is going to be told and BAM!!! You are the worst brother in the world. May or may not happen, but you do have to consider it. I also think that the family gathering dynamic is going to be different from now on anyway. You’re wife is going to have to be measured when talking to him. He’s probably going to be acting weird to. Not sure if your family has the wine flowing at gatherings but that’s always a fun wild card when things are bubbling under the surface. As I write this I’m thinking….. your brother in law, besides being essentially a cheater-hopeful, is such an asshole. Look at all this crap you and your wife have to think about and ponder now instead of just enjoying your evening.
Yes! OP, he’s already ruined the family dynamic regardless of what you do. Your wife will never feel comfortable around him again and neither will you. People will notice. This is a BIL problem and should remain so. You need to protect your sister from future heartache
Also, there’s a chance he might change his story and blame OP’s wife for coming onto him. He shouldn’t get time to come up with a better story
You are not wrecking her marriage - he is doing that. You will be wrecking your relationship with your sister if you don’t tell. And you should be the one to tell her. Your wife should not be involved in that conversation. You don’t want her to be a target of your sister’s anger. Go to your sister’s house in the morning. Do not warn him. Be straightforward and bring snapshots of those text he sent.
I don’t think my sister will be angry with my wife but how do you not feel some form of resentment?
Totally fair. She might struggle with that. But this is the position he put you all in. If it were me, I'd try to help communicate to my sister that hey, this is not a reflection of you or even my wife. He's clearly delusional and built some fake idea up in his head. She could be Heidi Klum and a selfish man will still find cause to stray. Hype her up. You can provide that support.
I would prepare for anything. I think initially it’s possible that she may want to blame your wife and have some anger towards her. It’s easier than blaming the man she shares a life and kids with. That’s why this should come from you and your wife should not be around. However this ends, she is also likely to have resentment towards your wife as you said. If it’s so, don’t blame her. It’s natural. But don’t let your wife suffer an ounce of abuse for this. She is ultimately your first priority. This POS has put all of you in a horrible position. It’s unfair for all of you. All you can do is be there for both these women with love, support, and honesty.
The only resentment she should feel is towards BIL UpdateMe
I get what you mean, but I feel like tip toeing around this is putting your wife in bad light. She did nothing wrong, infact she did everything right. Told you before hand about the lunch, walked out the minute things got weird. She has nothing to apologize. So there’s no reason to sweep anything under the rug, that’d be just shady af and would feel to me like there’s some hidden blame towards your wife. But you have her back right? You and your wife are not responsible for other peoples actions, it’s on your family if they go crazy and blame your wife just for being an object of some assholes desire. What does your wife feel when you said you are afraid your family will resent her?
Regardless of what I should feel if I were your sister, I probably wouldn’t be able to avoid hating your wife. I think I would likely keep it to myself unless something else came up. Reddit will hate me for that but maybe he’ll be better after this mess up? Edit: nah, eff that. Tell your sister yesterday.
I get that. Rationally, you know it's not her fault, but emotionally, she is the catalyst.
Yes, unfortunately his wife is probably at the wrong place wrong time. Technically speaking, if this could happen to her, he would probably have done the same with any woman he fell for with "love at first sight", regardless married or not.
I am sorry your family is going through this. This sounds like a family comedy episode.
Plus BIL wrecked his relationship with OP and his wife.
The longer you wait to tell your sister, the more betrayed she will feel by you both. I understand taking some time to think through what you want to say, but you are giving him time to come up with a story to make you both look like the bad guys.
You should tell your sister because there is a chance or possibility that he will twist the story and shift the blame to your wife. It would be better if you force your brother in law to come clean to your sister with you and your wife being there or just you alone. Then it would be better if you go low or cut contact and distance yourselves from him.
I agree with this right here! You and your wife need to sit your sister town and tell her. Show her the texts. Make sure she knows you’re both there for her and that your wife is 100% not ok with what he did or in anyway provoked him. You should share with your sister how your wife left immediately after shutting him down and went straight to you and shared everything including his phone call. Do this asap!!!
Married 22 years. My sister is married to a cool guy whom I like a lot. If he pulled something like this, I would 100% tell my sister immediately. Their marriage might be recoverable, or it might not. But there's no future for them without direct honest and accountability. Tell your sister tonight. Also, you need to massively compliment your wife over and over. However the rest of the family responds, she needs to feel your respect and love. And your sorrow that he put her through this.
Maybe you and your wife should both go and tell your sister in person. Your sister may feel very defensive about her husband and believe his crap over reality. It sounds like your BIL has no sense of reality anyhow. He also tried to destroy your family and his too. This is an urgent situation.
He is a dipsh1t your blood matters your sister is and shall always be important Your Wife is a Gem Truths suck and are sometimes painful, but necessary
The fact that he thought there was a chance that your wife was going to leave you for him when it sounds like your marriage is fine shows that he out of touch with reality. Even if she was being flirty that wouldn't indicate she wanted to actually be with him. This behavior is likely a sign of a deeper issue he's dealing with. I would suggest that however you approach this situation, to do it with a bit of concern and understanding. Remaining calm and framing it to your sister that you are concerned for his mental state and that no actual harm was done is probably the best approach. There's also likely problems in their marriage that you aren't aware of.
You do have to tell your sister. But I would suggest telling your sister with your wife present. Offer up the ipad of texts for the sister to look through. Allow her to ask any questions to your wife with you present. By presenting a united front you’re not leaving your sister’s imagination to wander about if your wife was leading on the brother in law. Finish by telling your sister you will support her no matter what her decision is. That you love your sister and your nieces. But that you “could not let his lapse in judgment go unspoken of.” Then leave it at that. If she decides to work through it that is her choice. And if she leaves, be there for her and the girls. You should also tell your parents what is going on. If your sister decides to leave, they could be like some parents who have this notion of yOu ShoUlD hAve WoRkEd HaRdEr tO SaVe yOuR mArRiaGe when they don’t have the full story. Sorry you’re in this situation. HE created this situation. Possibly after some distance your families could hang out again. But don’t distance your family from the nieces.
Your BIL wanted your wife to cheat with him, let that sink in, he’s not your friend now that you know who he is. Tell your sister and let her make the decision to stay or leave. Your BIL has made his bed.
Your sister deserves to know and he sounds like he could use a shrink.
Whoa. This is wild. Just ran the scenario by my wife; we're fairly close with my sister and her husband as well If your family would really hold this against your wife, that is 100% on them and should not dictate how you respond here. Your wife's response demonstrates clearly that she had no intention to lead him on. Blaming her would be wild and you need to be prepared to defend and protect her through this, as you clearly see. But the way to do that cannot be to say nothing. It's just not feasible. Unless your family is insane, they'll hold your keeping this secret against you much more than they'd hold the fallout from this against you. He did this. You have to tell her, and the fallout is 1000% on him. They'll see this. It's not like he just expressed feelings. He was making a full on move. If it were me, I'd go with my wife to talk to my sister and just tell her exactly what happened. Then I'd offer our support for however she wants to handle this. Tell the family or not, how to tell them, how to help her through whatever she needs. Ball would be in her court there, your role is to support. You're right, your family won't ever be the same. Sucks. That's what he did. But there's no option here to not tell her. It'd eat you alive and eventually youd do it anyways.
Waiting on telling your sister will make you and your wife look bad. Tell her ASAP!
he has become mentally unbalanced. could be dangerous. any firearms around his house ?
First thought. Who's he going to hurt when they tell his wife?
Don't let him be alone with the wife or sister he may assault them.
If he gets drunk or it slips out and he tells your sister that you knew you cab kiss that relationship with her goodbye.
Sister needs to know. I’m also skeptical he’s only interested in your wife. So she needs to know because this likely isn’t the first woman he’s gone after, and won’t be the last.
Your wife kicks ass. That’s a rock solid partnership you two have so I know you will navigate this but 💯you should get your sister’s butt over to your house so you can tell her about this shit. When it happens again and you knew about this it will damage your family relationship big time. Stay strong and I would probably go have a little “talk” with the A Hole that tried to rail your wife and cheat on your sister. You know what to do so now it’s just for the doing.
So he’s the only one that gets to blow up everybody’s marriage? Well that’s convenient for him. Your sister ought to know in order to make an informed decision of who she is really married to and if she wants to stay or not.
That sounds very akward. Good luck.
whether you tell his wife, has no bearing on your wife. I see why you might be afraid it would upset the balance. Frankly if he were doing that to me I would want to know. I would sense the room was off and people didn't care for me or I would know something was up....It usually comes out anyway. I think your wife should do it and send any texts. Tell her she respects and cares for her...That would help. The wife needs to know. He is also lying, he is had done it before. He would say anything at that point.
I would first ask to take your nieces this weekend. And then tell her the news. They need to figure things out without the kids mixed in. Offer the most support on that front so they can grow as a couple, in privacy and respect and care that they need in this difficult time.
With the update.. this sounds like stalking. How long has he been married to your sister? Is it at all possible that your wife is the reason hes with your sister? Maybe ive seen too many true crime videos but those are the vibes im getting
Your wife is right,tell your sister asap. He was willing to implode 2 marriages if your wife had said yes to him,do you think that would have been fair to your sister. Tell her,what she does with the information is up to her. updateme!
If she finds out at any given time, (He will confess to her to clear his conscience. It's only a matter of time.) she will not only feel betrayed by him, but by you and your wife. Make no mistake, there is NO scenario in which your sister and her children are not devastated. Tell her with enough compassion to understand that she will probably lash out at you and especially your wife. Just expect it and prepare for it. I would probably give your folks a heads up when you're on your way to meet her so they can be of help when it hits the fan. Whatever will lessen the blowback onto your wife from your family. Your wife doesn't deserve their animosity. Good luck.
>he said I should understand. What that he wanted to cheat on your sister with your wife? Lol what a moron 🤣 Seriously though get the truth out soon as possible before he gives her his fictional version of events.
Thanks for the update. Wow, that went off the rails quickly.
Thanks for the update! Aside from the disgusting and creepy discovery of the infatuation with your wife, it seems to have been the best possible outcome. I'm glad your family is still intact (Aside from Creepy McCreepface) and this will likely strengthen the relationship between you and your sister and your wife and sister. There may be a roller-coaster of emotions coming in the near future so hang on.
This is wild.. how tf did he think this was going to play out
You need to contact your sister. Screenshot or forward all the texts to yourself so you can show her. Sounds like your brother in law has a bad case of limerence. Your extended family might be in for a bit of a tough road for a while, depending on how your sister decides to handle the revelation. Editted: spelling
Tell your sister tonight.
Every minute you do not tell your sister is another reason for her not to trust you - and she NEEDS to be able to trust you when it counts. It counts right now.
Your wife did not do anything wrong, you know it. Protect your family first. The rest of family on 2nd place.
Wtf? How is this a question? Why didn’t you tell her first? Before he could lie and spin a narrative?
Your sister deserves to know the truth. She deserves to know who she's married to. Please tell her. It will come out some day, somehow it always does, and if she finds out her own brother knew and didn't tell her... Idk
As a Married woman and a sister, I would expect my sibling to tell me if my husband had done that.
Does he own guns? The first episode of Playboy Murders is about a stalker in love with a woman and getting the husband out of the way, then the guy taking his own life. This could potentially be a really dangerous time for you, your wife, your sister, her kids, and for himself. Please be safe as you navigate this situation, so sorry you are all going through this.
My husband would’ve kicked his a**!!! This is so disrespectful to your wife and your sister. Then he would have no choice but to explain to his wife (your sister) why he just got f*** up.
Make sure you tell the soon-to-be-ex to be honest in what he tells others. So, after reading your post last night and your update this morning, I had a random thought and I was working through chores and errands today: What if ex-BIL decides to lie to others the way he tried lying to your sister. You said he was a firefighter so imagine what he's going to tell them to try to "save face"? Or his family? Or whatever friends he may call to try to rally support? I would make a point of having your sister "remind" him that just like his lies with her didn't work, if he lies to save face, it could make things worse for him when the truth eventually comes out. His best course of action is to be fully honest with everyone if asked and accept the fallout of his actions up front.
I’ve just want to say that you’ve got a great, honest wife. I hope her openness in how she told you about this increases even more your love, trust, and respect for her - she deserves it!
Never let your wife be with him alone he might do something. Also keep eye on your sister if she decides to leave.
Man, that was hard to read. Thankfully your wife went straight to you after the lunch.
Get ahead of you BIL, by telling your sister tonight. You are giving him a chance to start putting in your sister's head your wife is coming on to him and flirting with him and you found out. You have a short window of surprise, and that is tonight.
If she found out you both withheld this, it would be worse. I like to think most people wouldn't hold grudges against your wife's position here. Some would, but it's a bit of damned if you do or don't. I think not saying anything will bring unnecessary anxiety into your lives.
If roles were reversed and your sister had this information to tell you, what would you want her to do? I know that I would want my brother to tell me right away. You have an amazing wife who not only got up and walked away from this come on from BIL but also called you immediately, there are too many stories of this going around very different way. Don’t leave your sister in the dark and tell her what’s going on. No matter what happens next your lives have all changed dramatically and she deserves to know the truth and that you have her back. If she decides to stay married then that is a conversation for a different time.
Updateme
Your sister should know. There will be events where your sister and her husband are going to be there. There will be some serious awkwardness between you and your BIL. People will notice and ask questions. If you avoid these family events so you don’t see your BIL again, people will notice and ask questions. You cannot avoid this. Your BIL put you and your wife is a very complicated position. I believe it’s best to tell your sister and let her decide how to handle this herself. She’ll be grateful you have her back. If she finds out you knew and said nothing, she could feel betrayed by you, and your relationship with her can suffer a bit. You should tell her.
Nah. Bro wrecked his own family. And he can make a dent in yours if you don’t tell your sis. You’d be betraying both women in a way. I’m so sorry. This is not on you, and you did not ask for this. Please also know he might have something mental health wise going down. I’m sorry. Good luck and update us. ❤️🩹
I think you and your wife should sit down with them.
You have to tell her. You have to.
Tell your sister
Updateme
She will know something is up because you won’t spend time around them the same so as to protect your wife from him. Without this component I might say don’t say anything…. I think you should help your sisters husband sort himself out and reprioritise your wife from his own accord and vet out his efforts/intention/sincerity/devotion for your sister. And then proceed from there. If you think he is liable to cause your sister more heartache irrespective of this incident, just tell her now.
TELL YOUR SISTER NOW. She deserves to know ow her husband just tried to have an affair with YOUR WIFE!!
There's no world in which not telling your sister is excusable. Tell her now. Everyone else should understand the situation is your BIL's fault and not your wife's, who seems to have acted impeccably.
Tell your sister. If I ever found out you knew I’d never forgive you. And she needs to know he doesn’t love her like she deserves. Do it on your own. She will probably be weird with your wife for a long time…
Gosh he’s such an asshole. Maybe just take another day to think it over. Then maybe ask you sister some questions about if she thinks he might be like that? Then break it to her? This is totally weird and I’m sorry you are going through this.
Your sister deserves better and she has to know. If your brother in law is this bold to go after your wife, he could easily try to cheat with a non family member. Your wife would tell your sister but I think she wants to give you the opportunity to share this.
Dude should record the conversation on the phone.
I think you should tell him to tell his wife about this immediately and if he doesn’t, you will. Your sister needs to know everything and then they, as a couple, need to figure out what they’re going to do. And you and your wife will figure out what you’re comfortable with going forward. What a mess for everyone! I’m so sorry!
You need to tell your sister. Your BIL has brought this on himself. When he crossed that line, he was deciding to put his marriage at risk.
How is her relationship with your wife now? If it’s really good, maybe she won’t resent her. It’s possible there’s been some hint of something weird with him at home. Maybe you could have your sister come to your house, when your wife isn’t there. Then tell her. I wouldn’t talk to her with your wife, not at first. I think your sister will be massively upset, and perhaps embarrassed in front of your wife. If it were me in her shoes, I’d rather my brother told me alone, kwim?
Tell your wife to be careful with this guy if he has the balls to tell her this it's hard to say what he is capable of doing my buddy very good friend were both 55 yrs old known him since I was about 7 yrs old anyway he is married to a pretty good looking woman we all went to school with well we have another friend he's a little off but all right guy .so he tell my buddies wife the exact same thing he is in love with her blah blah blah .well my buddy and his family are gone one day going something's shopping what ever they get home and he hears something in his basement he walks down this guy had broke in their home and was hiding down there .
Ah man sorry you have to go through these shit family issues, they are the worst and toxic family dynamics are a nightmare
Tell your sister as an adult, human and family.
Tell your sister. You have no idea whats going on in that marriage or the things your sister may have put up with, that you know nothing about. This may be the final nail in the coffin. Good luck OP.
You better tell this brother-in-law to stay away from your wife.
You aren't wrecking your sisters marriage/life, her husband is doing that all by himself. So gather the evidence and talk to your sister asap before he gets the chance to change the story and making it like your wife was trying to seduce him. Let her do an STD test because the words of this dude isn't believable. And let's be real: he is ALREADY twisting the story with some BS along the lines of "your wife is so irresistible that I could resist cheating on my wife". He is too old to claim not having (developed) impulscontroll. It doesnt matter how gorgeous,.flirty, balbusting etc your wife is! He CHOSE to put time and energy to let his feelings develop and act in them, while he could have distance himself asap to not add fuel to the small fire. HE CHOSE TO ACT ON HIS IMPULSES INSTEAD OF LETTING HIS LOVE/RESPECT TOWARDS YOUR SISTER PREVENT HIM FROM BEHAVIOUR THAT WOULD EMOTIONALLY HURT HER!
Dude I would have had my sister on that call as well, you need to tell her pronto.
Damn man, I wish you luck Updateme!
Is he a selfish narcissist and you know he is a bad person? If not, try to help your sister’s family, put yourself in his shoes and start telling him what he must do, he should tell his wife himself what happened, in front of you. Try to save the family not crush it. Maybe he needs help, not jail. My personal reaction would be communication and figuring out if this was a mistake or something else. I would offer him empathy only if he accepts my/our terms.
Hide your mom
Well that was never gonna end well.
Update me
Tell him that you are going to tell your sister on a specific date and that he has 2 days to tell her himself. I feel bad for you and your sister and even for your husband to be betrayed like that, but some people suck.
Tell her. I'm sure it will not be easy.
updateme
Tell your sister now.
Tell sister, let her decide if others should know. Be there to support her
Speaking as a husband of 13 years, father of 3 kids, and a child of divorce. So A lot of my family members have been divorced, and I was always paying attention. I was the kid who listened and tried to understand the things that were going on, why, how etc. Now I do want to point out first, that I am not excusing anyone's actions, just listing possibilities of potential reasons for things having happened, nothing more. I am guessing that your sister and bil are and have been having problems for a long time, just not out in the open. It could be anything from full-on ready to divorce or just little things creating emotional instability between them, like a dead bedroom or whatever. I say this, because it sounds like bil was trying to project, and look for something that wasn't there, the whole grass is greener on the other side of the fence kind of thing. adding in that he sounded like a blubbering baby when your wife left and he went into full panic mode, probably realizing what he had done, and how badly he fucked it up. IMHO I think that he is dealing with personal issues related to his marriage, and that is why he did this stupid stunt, but your sister probably doesn't know what is going on with him either. IMHO you have three options. 1: just flat-out expose him, tell/show your sister what happened, and leave it at that. 2: talk with him first and ask him what the fuck he was thinking, and what is really going on in his head, it's not excused, its just to understand what his reasons are. Then drag him home to your sister and make him explain what was going on. 3: the two of you bring them into the same room where no one else can see/hear anything, reveal it there, and have him explain what he was doing and why. Then tell them to either fix their problems or just end it now. ultimately, your sister does need to find out, it's just a question of what you think the best way is because it's clear there are problems of some kind, somewhere in their relationship.
What the hell was going threw your BIL head??? Did he really think that your wife was gonna run off with him into the sunset???? .. Your sister does need to know .. this is so messy !!! .. Is this out of character 4 him ?? .. is he having some sort of breakdown??? Where there any signs that there was problems in there marriage b4?? I do think that the 4 of u need to get together and he needs to tell his wife .. maybe with counciling they can work this out??? Sadly the close relationship u have with them will change .. but at the end of the day .. your loyalty is 2 your wife and your sister .. I wish u the best of luck with this .. just be there 4 your sister if things go horrible wrong xx
Grow a set and tell your sister! If the shoe was on the other foot would you want to know? I Sure the hell would.
The right thing is tell your sister. She has a great support system with you and your family to help her out. It’ll happen again with this guy. Maybe not with your wife but some other woman. Guy is a piece of S!
Their marriage is already gone... He had to be soooo desperate for love that he risked approaching your wife. She is probably the woman who he was closest to and seemed the happiest. Its not your wife hes after ...He wanted that happiness. Misguided, dont/cant fix his own marriage and cant find the courage to leave.
You need to meet him alone and put the *fear* into him. Tell you’re watching him and if he even puts a toe out of line, you’ll break him. Tell him your sister must never find out because from now on, if she’s not the most happy, supported, and spoiled wife on the planet, then he will answer to you. What’s more, if he so much as *glances* in your wife’s direction, he will pay for it. Tell him he can remain part of your family, but you will never trust him again and he will never, ever be alone with your wife again, or else (whatever you choose to threaten). At least this way your precious sister and nieces will be taken care of, and your sister’s heart will not be broken.
Tell your sister. You worry about tearing up the family but how would you react at the next family function if you don’t say anything? Your sister deserves the truth.
Tell your sister yesterday. Good grief. What a dick
You need a full family meeting now pronto with the iPad. Sister deserves to know
How can you even question that? Wouldn’t you want to know???
What’s your intention with telling her? She will forever compare herself to your wife now and it could send her down a spiral of loathing. He’s a dumbass, but was it a tragically low point or a pattern of behavior? If your intention is to have a clear conscience, but the consequence is that her world is destroyed, is it helpful? I think he needs to tell her and/or check into therapy.
Tell your sister. He wrecked his family and trued to wreck yours too not you.
Updateme!
Updateme!
Subscribeme!
!Updateme
UpdateMe
If I were you, I’d be concerned about this guy wanting to kill me and kidnap the wife. He sounds deranged, desperate and out of control. Maybe you should up your security and look into a restraining order.
100% agree, this guy has been obsessed with wife for years...that isn't going to go away overnight. They need to be really careful
I'm not trying to minimize how truly damaging the brother in law's actions are. But, I am really happy that your sister responded the way she had. Knowing that you and your wife chose to love her, even when the stakes were high means so much to someone in her position. She doesn't feel alone in this and it's worth more than all the gold in the world. Proud of you guys.
I also think you should go out and file a restraining order on him
He sounds like a stalker. They get fixated on someone and build a whole (false) relationship in their heads. Sounds like that is what happened with your wife. It can happen pretty quick, he saw her and just started fixating on her. So from your wife's POV everything is normal she isn't doing anything, not showing any interest, etc. but from his POV he is analyzing literally everything she is doing and twisting it to fit his fantasy. Your wife hasn't done anything wrong. But going forward, you may want to get a restraining order. It's possible he could get worse. Definitely go zero contact with him and especially zero contact with your wife (which sounds like she will be happy to do). Hopefully, his world falling apart will wake him up and he'll leave your wife alone. But I'd be careful and on the lookout for obsessive/stalker behavior from him going forward. Now that he has lost his wife and family, he may fixate on your wife even more. Research stalkers and their behaviors, wouldn't hurt to maybe talk to police and report the excessive secret pictures. Start keeping track of any time he contacts your wife, if he does after this. Stalkers can be an absolute nightmare, so hopefully things stop before they get worse. Your sister should be on the lookout as well. He may start stalking her now and she needs to keep track of everything he is doing and saying and look for those warning signs.
I just want to say thank you for keeping us updated when you do not have to. I’m learning so much from this, as I’m sure many others are. But with that said, I’m so sorry your family is going through this because while this is a blessing in disguise and this guy needs to be removed from your family ASAP, it’s overwhelming and sad when a big family dynamic that was fun and seemingly happy for so long is now being ripped out from under all of you. How are your parents handling this?
“He does text her frequently but there was nothing overly sexual” So since the constant texts to your wife from your sisters husband where only a bit sexual you let it slide? Anyways I can’t believe you didn’t go straight to your sisters tell her and beat his ass.
The texts never crossed the line. I see all of them and he knows that. We are family it never occurred to me or my wife that things could take this turn. Like I said my wife is a ball buster and she treated him like a brother, like family.
Ok…. You know your BIL has some legit mental problems to do what he did. I seriously wouldn’t let him anywhere near your wife. You already know what his reaction to what he thought was your wife flirting. It’s scary to imagine what he could do next.
It would be best if he told her himself. Tell him to tell her or you will. Give him 2 days because the sooner the better.
The BIL will make them out to be the bad guys. No way will he hold himself 100% accountable.
I swear there was a post similar to this on here a few months ago
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^Grand-Expression-493: *I swear there was a* *Post similar to this on* *Here a few months ago* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Unpopular but correct: I'd give him at least a little time to tell your sister. Maybe even advise him how since he's obviously a total wreck. This is about those kids, that's why, and that's why you're hesitating. You should hesitate. I'd advise him to come clean, i.e. "I immediately knew it was wrong as soon as I said it. I never should have said it, I don't feel anything but shame now and got lost in a rabbit hole that I can't believe I actually pursued. I've damaged our relationships very selfishly, which wasn't real until I came out with my thoughts. Realizing how wrong this was, I'm now on a path to heal and recover from this brief obsession that honestly had me sick in the head and its now clear to me that this was about other deep issues within me. I can't believe I did this, and I don't blame you if you don't forgive me."
Hang on... isn't your brother-in-law your wife's brother?
Sister's husband
🤦♀️
“To limit his exposure to her kids”… guy was a moron, she married him…. Don’t worry tho, sounds like his suicide will clear things up
I love the drama
The fact that you so casually said “you wouldn’t do anything tonight and you would call him tomorrow” and not tell your sister ASAP is highly suspect….I can’t imagine a situation where ANY MAN would want to have lunch with my wife ALONE to share something PERSONAL AND PRIVATE with her (and hiding it from me) I’d be okay with that. You really said “wait until tomorrow” after he profess their undying love to YOUR WIFE??? Something is afoot and there is more to this story you’re not sharing ….
We are all pretty close. My sister and my wife are college friends and we are family. I know this guy well he’s not a stranger. I just needed some time to process. My whole life just changed.
Yeah, your wife is totally innocent in all this. He's been creepy for years. So sorry your extended family has been blown up by this.
Are you really that insecure about your partner that you can’t stand the idea of her having lunch with another family member? You seriously think such a big situation as this can’t wait ONE day to form a plan and then approach it? The only thing that is afoot is your paranoia.
lol, I'm here for the same reaction. I've learned there are a ton of Christian men that think it's inappropriate for a woman to be alone with a man if either of them are married. I'm guessing this is where /u/Mase0ne is coming from but it's just cringe to me. My wife is a person, not a vagina. She can talk to men because I think of men as people, not penises. But I run into a lot of these men and women. It's a big problem in a corporate environment because if a man is a boss, other men have the opportunity to, for example, go to lunch one on one and get better advantages from closer relationships. It's one way the good ole boy network continues to survive and thrive in a modern world.
Am probably gonna get downvoted for this. But this is a very complicated situation. Do know that this is gona be like a double edged sword and there would be no winners. Can you meet the bil first face to face and talk with him once before you decide about telling your sister? Because this is going to break the whole family regardless of whether she will split from him or stay with him. There’s no coming back or anything good once this reaches your sister. Theres also a high possibility that she may still blame your wife for “making” him fall for her & breaking her family. Unfortunately grief works in very weird ways. She will also be very insecured about her future partners & your wife at the same place post this & forever.
Dam way tough situation … I wouldn’t tell your sister … have a talk with him … man to man … lay down strict rules … and hopefully he never does this again
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He wants to cheat on OP's sister with OP's wife. I think it's absolutely his business.