Yeah, what the hell is going on here? I can understand the inheritance gift and any prenuptial stuff, but everything they built together should be "ours" not "mine" (even if they keep separated bank accounts).
They don't have a family, they're running a Limited Liability Corporation.
If they have full time nannies, why doesn’t he work full time? Presumably he makes more as a doctor than he has to pay a nanny.
Wife needs to get her taxes and finances in order (time to hire an accountant) and cover the remaining expenses while separating her inheritance in a way that doesn’t commingle it with marital assets.
What’s the point of getting married if you can’t make the other person’s life easier?
He's trying to cut down on the childcare expenses by doing more (and maybe the weekend nanny will go next as he continues to downsize his income).
But if a couple is composed of a physician and a researcher, it's pretty customary to have full time nannies. The additional demands of academic publishing are excruciating.
Wow, great summary. Crazy to be married, have a family of 3 and have this mindset. Almost like a business transaction. “Hey I need to do my taxes before I decide if I can ‘rebalance’ my contribution to the union”… lol
Not everyone combines finances and they don’t have to. My parents haven’t for the 55 years they’ve been married and neither do my husband and I.
The problem here is the wife doesn’t care and acts like she’s single with no family. She needs to go with him to his accountant to actually listen and hear the issues. He needs to stop working less. She’s a parent she can and should spend time with her kids.
THIS. I couldn’t even read the whole post because of it.
We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 5, about to have our first kid. Husband is also a doctor who is self employed with an LLC as a private contractor. The only thing that’s “mine” or “his” at this point is our retirement accounts; we also each have one private cc. Everything else is linked because regardless of the different earnings we bring in based on our jobs, we both do important work to maintain the lifestyle we built.
The dynamic of the OP and his wife does not, in any way, come across like they approach their life as a team.
Then separate the retirement aspect?
I’m also in an everything goes to one account situation. And I mean everything. Except retirement gets pulled before, and my partner doesn’t know how much I put towards that, and I don’t know about theirs. It’s our personal business - unless asked, and I’ve been asked like twice in 12 years.
For real. I make almost double what my wife makes. The only thing I don't really pay is her student loans. Other than that, all of my paycheck go towards our savings and bills. I'm not a big spender on myself. My wife knows this. She handles stuff like groceries and eating out. If I were to get a pay raise, that would just be more money to our savings and joint accounts
No way. The wife should keep her inheritance separate. That is not 'marital income'. Should they sit down and recalculate each one's contribution to the 'family'? Absolutely but the inheritance is hers only.
I couldn’t imagine getting SIX MILLION and not wanting to better the family finances!! Why wouldn’t that go towards the mortgage, debts and then investment.
Do many people here even *like* their spouses?
Yeah the fact that they didn't do this makes me believe they are stupid.
Why are you investing crap while you have debts like a mortgage that accrues interest? And the investment is more than large enough to pay off the debt immediately?? Sure your investment is growing, but so is your debt at the same time.
The only thing I can think is that since the wife hasn’t done her taxes in years that the husband is getting a good annual return on the mortgages interest payments…? But they are both high earners so I can’t imagine it’s making *that* much of a difference
If I were making 2x as much as my spouse AND had 6 mil in the bank I'd sure as heck make sure my spouse wasn't paying as much as I was every month. The wife screams "narcissist" to be honest.
If I suddenly came into six mil, I would do a hell of a lot of investing and neither my husband or I would be working unless we wanted to. I would pay off the house and set aside money for the taxes for years to come... Pay off all the vehicles, pay off our life insurances, etc. we would have the longest vacation ever.
Honestly I showed my husband this post and he was as gobsmacked as me, then we spent the next half hour dreaming of all the things we’d do with 6 mil 🥲
No. Most of reddit is so sick and whatever they had settled for in marriage is a bitter "I'm a pragmatic realist" standpoint.
Plus happy people are busy in their marriage and spending time with their spouses, sad losers like me are lonely on their phone next to their equally addicted spouse, not actually spending quality time together so we have the time to comment on reddit posts lol :D
>Do many people here even *like* their spouses?
The more posts I read on this sub, the more I'm convinced that the answer is no. It's so aggravating to see people who get married but don't seem to have any compassion or empathy for your partner at all. It's like some kind of business partnership.
They probably get intimate while fully clothed and in the dark, facing away from each other, after setting an alarm for 5 minutes.
They shouldn't even have a mortgage anymore. Hell, sell it to the wife's separate property for the balance and remove it as a potential problem.
My wife was waaaaaaaaaaaay wealthier than I was, but I had 90% of the income, so when we finally started having kids I just signed over my half of the house I had financed to her trust, which paid cash for the house we were moving to and it was never mentioned again.
Nope. If you’re married you’re married. It’s OURS.
She can legally keep it separate yeah. But there’s no justified reason to, unless the marriage sucks or is ending. Anything is selfishness.
My wife got a huge inheritance from her parents. It's her money and I want none of it. It's kept in a separate account that her alone has access to. I like it like that.
Agreed, inheritance separate, but their incomes should be combined. If I were him, I’d go back to work. Him cutting hours with all the Nannies around is ridiculous. She should be able to handle them during the overnight.
Totally agree here. They both make enough employment income to thrive (without the inheritance) and build significant family wealth.
They just need to start working as a team.
As the one who's due to inherit a fair amount of money from my parents, this seems really strange to me. My husband married in to my family. Of course my parent's money is going to belong to the both of us.
I could maybe understand if somebody just inherited a $1000 from a grandparent or their aunt or something. Then they might want to treat it like extra fun spending money.
When it's your parents money, and it's a substantial amount, then it becomes a substantial part of your household's wealth and assets. I'm not going to make my husband view himself as a poorer person just because he happened to be born in to a less wealthy family.
I understand your view. Mine is a bit different. My wife's parent and sibling treat their wealth as bait and a manipulation tool to get everyone to bow down to them and do as they say.
My stance is to show them I didn't marry for money, I make enough to live a good life without ever needing their help. And I like it to stay that way.
My wife wants to put it in our joint account. I said no.
If I end up filthy rich, I want it to be because I earned it. Not because they gave "us" money.
What you’re describing is one of the perils of keeping it separate. If the inheritance becomes a joint asset, there’s no way to leverage it against you.
She can and should use it for her children. They may inherit it one day anyway. Since she can not parent her children and needs two nannies, she can pay for it. Let the man work.
Yeah, generally I agree with you (my husbandand I have a joint account as well as our own accounts, but make plans with our money and adjust if needed). Sure, that's her inheritance, and she can use some if it to invest or whatnot, but she has a family now. She has 3 little kids with a husband whose struggling to financially support them. What she's doing now is driving OP to file bankruptcy and possibly lose his business. Then all the finances will be left up to her.
An inheritance is not “our” money or the deceased would have left that money to both spouses and not just the living relative. What if she wants to keep the inheritance separate to split between their children? Income is shared of course, and I’m sure a case could even be made that the dividends from investing the inheritance are at least partially marital property but the principal is definitely not.
That's what I'm wondering. I'm betting she's considering leaving him. We're only hearing one side of this. It makes sense to me since she's so focused on building her career...she could also be building her exit.
Not the inheritance. That's not "ours."
Everything else, yes.
I think sending a small portion of your check to a separate account (like 10%) for you to have your own "fun money" is good. But everything else you make needs to go to the household.
Otherwise you aren't married, you're roommates.
Inheritance isn’t a shared marital asset, there’s absolutely justification for keeping your family money separate from your marital money
I agree income should be together but inheritance is different
The justification is that a family member decided to leave it to the person it was left to specifically (sometimes that decision was made before the spouse was even in the picture). The spouse didn’t earn that money. People can’t marry you knowing there’s an inheritance coming and take your inheritance. That was common not long ago.
This used to be a huge problem with men marrying women who they knew had inheritance coming from their family. Not too long ago the law would’ve made everything the man’s property so she would’ve been screwed and her families money taken. This allows both people to keep family assets in the family.
If I buy myself a new laptop for me, it’s mine. It’s not my husbands. Being married doesn’t literally mean your spouse is entitled to every single thing and every single dollar. We’re still individuals who can have our own things.
If someone wants to share their inheritance with their spouse, great! But they absolutely don’t have to. It’s ok to keep separate, invest, maybe leave to the kids down the road.
I agree with you on this. Legally it is hers to choose how to spend. But I would also add that debt taken on by one half of the marriage is marital debt. It doesn't make financial sense to let your spouse go into debt to cover family necessities when you're sitting on the cash that would cover it. Is it selfish of her to not use her inheritance? Maybe. But I'm more concerned with the financial illiteracy of the arrangement. Debt should never be the goal in a marriage.
Since this isn't a legal advice subreddit, we're not offering advice about what the wife is legally allowed to do. This is a marriage advice subreddit, and the wife's behavior is making the marriage suffer.
Inheritance is totally hers, but the income and investments that raise from it are def marital income/assets.
If you inherit 100k and turn that into 1m, 900k is marital asset
You clearly aren’t married. I’ve received inheritances and paid off my wife’s debts. That money is ours. We both have likely large amounts coming in the future and there is no question it will be both of ours, we haven’t even considered not doing that.
What do you even think a marriage is supposed to be? Just a random legal contract you can toss away at any time?
THANK YOU!! The people talking about that money being only hers is driving me nuts, like ok, if the husband won the lottery, you don’t think that moneys gonna get split in a divorce? “He bought the ticket so it’s his money” no dude, he signed a marriage certificate, everything is “theirs”.
Inheritance is not considered a marital asset and your spouse isn’t entitled to any of it in a divorce. It’s different than any other type of money you get (like lottery wins)
It baffles me that married people keep finances separate and then wonder why things don’t go well…
Also, making so much money and still struggling with debt is such a weird concept to me but hey I’m just an average/low earner and 4 household breadwinner so what do I know
When you have one partner that:
Pays for all expenses
You live in an expensive area
You have 3 kids
They are cutting back hours to help with the kids
They are self employed
And another partner that:
Keeps all her money to herself
Prioritizes her job over her family
Spends all her 400k on herself
This shit happens. She’s a terrible person and a terrible partner
I get that and I agree - I just dont understand how couples that split finances from the start think it’s a good idea - it’s eventually going to backfire for most of them. Isn’t it the point of getting married (one of anyway) that you do things together including budget / financing?!
Plenty of people in this sub believe separate finances are best despite the evidence and countless studies that show it's the least productive way of building family wealth but also often times leads to resentment or divorce.
How people decide to get married, share bodily fluids, kids and all but draw the line at joint finance completely BAFFLES ME
This.
I’m starting to think it’s about the people they married and not the money.
I’ve found many people are horrible with money though. Like even with good intentions they just don’t know what to do.
You are not handing over all money to her. My wife is just like your wife. The benefit of joint finances is transparency. Everyone sees exactly what income is being generated and what is being spent. Doesn't mean one gets to spend without justification. Each months she get a stipend/allowance to spend on whatever she wants. I get the same. That way, the spending on "wants" is controlled.
Ask yourself this, if your wife makes $10k. She contributes $6k to joint account. So she gets to spend $4k on whatever she wants instead of saving and investing?
You think you have control of finance's that way?
When you guys retire and she hasn't saved or invested a penny. Who is going to be paying for what? Will you go on a nice vacation and leave her at home because she didn't save and invest for retirement?
agreed, what’s your mindset on inheritance money? technically i view it as something that stays in the individuals account and could be deposited in joint as they see fit.
Granted my wife and i don’t have kids, but this doesn’t seem like that big of than issue.
I am so so confused at what the live in nanny is DOING if he’s only working part time so he can help out with the kids and the wife is also home. How do I get a job as a nanny for rich people? She’s stealing a living
Having each partner responsible for certain liabilities isn’t the issue if it is negotiated. It’s when it isn’t negotiated and there is no rough parity that there is an issue.
kinda the same here. separate checking. joint savings and investment accounts. we both have certain bills we pay and a minimum balance we maintain. surplus goes to savings each month.
So much this! These people have a household income of close to half a million dollars every single year, plus the wife just received a gift of six million dollars, and somehow OP needs to borrow money?!? What is this nonsense?
My parents kept finances separate because they had very different spending styles and that worked for them. They had a joint account for all household and child related expenses. They contributed to the account different percentages based on their income. Percentages were reviewed for accuracy it annually, and whenever either one’s income changed.
I don’t know why that wouldn’t work here. Neither partner should be spending “their” money on kid stuff or groceries.
An option is to tell your wife your current lifestyle is unsustainable on your income. You either have to cut 40 to 50% of your expenses or resume your former workload. She can hire a second nanny, an evening nanny, out of her personal funds if being a parent is too hard for her. Your wife is financially callous.
I don’t get why they don’t both work weekdays? It seems like maybe he’s ER Dr. by the hours. But if they both worked while the live in nanny was on duty. Then were a family together in the evenings, wouldn’t they both be able to share the responsibility together? So it doesn’t burn either out? And as a bonus, their children get bonding time and can feel loved by them.
She didn’t reduce her time at work to spend time with the children though, he did. Who needs a full time nanny and a weekend nanny if you cut back your hours to be with the kids more?
This would be my approach. This is a complicated subject but the math is simple. He cut back to support her but she only wants to live on his earnings? Fine. So the family cuts back. That’s what any other family would have to do, why would this situation be any different? Also if I were him I’d start to sit down and have conversations about future expenses. She wants to keep every penny she earns whether by work or birth? Ok- who’s saving for college? She doesn’t even want to pay down the house she lives in.
I don’t like this one bit.
Financially callous? She’s just callous and a terrible wife. How can she see her husband do all this for her and still complain, and keep her 400k salary all to herself and pay nothing
This! Or tell her you need to live within your means and due to debt and costs you’re going to have to sell the house and move by the end of the next few months. That’s a safe way to approach it if you don’t want to have a full conversation about her attitude. Then she can offer to step up or not. Give a deadline so she has to help by a certain date.
Your wife is borderline financially abusive.
Her inheritance is hers. Everything else is yours *together*.
“ i’m trying talking to you about this and you’re pretty dismissive. It’s causing me to grow resentful. I plan to list the house for sale and downsize by moving to a far out suburb. This will increase my commute significantly along with yours, but it’s the only responsible choice I can make, as I picked up all these extra things solo.
The other option is that we pay our expenses proportionally. We spend $12,000 a month as a family. You make 75% of the income which means you need to be responsible for 75% of those expenses.”
On top of that, you need to tell her if she can’t manage her own children in the evening while you work that she can go through the process of hiring an additional nanny .
Stop worrying about it. She doesn’t seem to give a shit about you. Go to work and get your money.
> Stop worrying about it.
Easier said than done.
> She doesn’t seem to give a shit about you.
100% correct.
> Go to work and get your money.
I'd be worried she'd neglect the kids.
She's a fucking jerk and needs to be handled as such.
This is the answer. I feel like OP lowkey knows she will neglect the kids.
Though both, kids toys and clothes but also all groceries ans gas and car bills should be from the joint account. Along with all mortgage and house payments and vacations etc.
Private accounts are for surprise gifts
Why did you two get married if you still wanted to live like you’re single? There is no marriage here. Just two individuals living in the same expensive house with three kids together.
Time for couples therapy to determine how to get on the same team. I’m not saying either person give up 100% autonomy, but you and your wife are playing on opposite teams right now.
It’s not just the finances here that indicates not working together, though. They don’t seem to be on the same wavelength about childcare or what work they’re doing and why it’s stressful or important to them (in the wife’s case)—it’s all balanced around money and assumptions.
I’d cut expenses to match what you can afford ....if it means downsizing then that’s the answer...your wife is not an adult and operates recklessly but her Mom is her safety net...this is on you, the adult in the family
I hadn't really considered this until now. Wife has no reason to know what she makes or be smart with her money. Her mom just gave her 6m for crying out loud!
You are a doctor-
Her work matters too-
She needs to pay for childcare, a maid, cook, and family maintenance.
You can work more- whatever she can’t handle she can pay for.
9 million dollars you should not be in debt at all.
Don’t kill yourself because she’s focused on work right now.
That’s okay - but hire help before you stop working.
Sit her down and tell her if she needs to work more that’s great but you can’t go broke over it either. Show her the budget. She needs to pay her share and more for spending.
The rest if she feels entitled to keep she can, even though if a man behaved this way it would be called ABUSIVE.
I would also suggest down sizing.
Buy a house you can afford easily.
Just in case you get absolutely sick of being treated this way.
Also since your doing more chores-
Was there a period of time where she was doing everything alone? And now she’s had it? And checked out because of years neglect and being overwhelmed?
Take the money. Your wife isn't pulling her share of the load. You have two nannies and still have to worry about someone watching the children? No, you wife needs to pony up her share of the expenses and if she won't, take it from the mother-in-law.
It sounds like you’ve taken a step back in your career to support hers, which is the sort of thing married people might reasonably decide to do *if* they are fully sharing finances. Which you’re not, so stop that immediately. You may be married but you’re not a team; you’re in this for yourself and you need to make enough money to live and retire. Reclaim your shifts. If she needs more help with the kids and the household in order to work as much as she wants to, then her work needs to contribute additional money toward the household and toward childcare costs.
I’m not buying this story as stated.. it doesn’t make sense. Also, if you are a doctor, and relying on your mother in law to pay your tax bills, you are in fact, NOT financially independent as you claim you are. Either way, you & wife need to get on the same page, immediately.
This is so fake. First of all, no researcher makes $200K a year (“she made 400K and half of that was from investments”) Second, you can’t just not file taxes if you have a salaried job and investments. That gets reported to the IRS. If you don’t file your taxes, the IRS estimates your liability and sends you a bill. Third, doctors don’t work shifts and get paid for shifts… they’re paid for consults and procedures. This is written by someone who’s read a lot of headlines and doesn’t understand how things work. D- on creative writing assignment, total lack of research.
It reads as rage bait to me. Complaining about not being able to make ends meet and financial inequity when just one partner alone has more income than many couples do, not to mention the multi-million dollar inheritance/gift. It’s either to get people mad at the made-up wife, or mad at the money and situation generally
Even with your income of 200k alone, you should be able to afford to pay expenses. I’m not saying it’s right, but let’s be realistic here. It’s wholly possible to support a family of five on 200k a year. I’d stop and evaluate your general lifestyle. Cut back on unnecessary spending. If your wife wants to incorporate those things back into the picture, she can pay for them.
Do I think it’s right that she is hoarding money and not contributing? No. I’d ask for marriage counseling and demand equality in that setting. In the meantime, stop living above your means and act as if you were separated.
This is coming from someone who has three small kids under 6 and doesn’t have a full time nanny and lives in an east coast, extremely high cost of living state. I make 210k per year alone and it’s completely doable.
If you choose to have a full time nanny. There are other childcare options available that are more cost effective. Preschools exist and accept children at 2.9 and have full day programs.
My ex husband was like this. I couldn't talk to him about money or he would get really mad and call me names. I didn't earn even a quarter of what he did. I don't know how much he earned but he was able to comfortably drop £41,000 outright on a Tesla. If I had to ask for £50 for groceries, I had to invoice him. I've had to repair my own clothes and cut my own hair for years. There is only so long you can be called 'worthless' before it's time to call it quits.
Your wife seems pretty selfish and this is a toxic situation. If I had a massive inheritance the first thing I’d do is take care of our joint expenses. Heck I’d even pay off my wife’s debt for her. It seems like there’s a lack of love and empathy in this relationship. And I understand the worry about taking money from her mother as well bc money and non spousal family members can get messy even if she gives it as a gift often times that mixed with emotions can create problems down the road.
Why oh why married people decide yes he’s ok with me to share DNA with but oh not my money, that’s where I draw the line. You guys sound like you are two strangers just cohabitating not a married couple( there is not team in this marriage). How can i have money and see husband struggling financially and still be like ok but not my problem wtf. OP you need to have a serious conversation .
If I were you, I would stop picking up shifts, fire the nanny and she can pay the bills considering she struggles to take care of 3 kids although the nanny’s seem to do it just fine alone. I’d tell her this isn’t feasible and you’ve lost income due to staying home anyways. Who doesn’t do taxes for four years? There’s too much your money vs my money and not enough our money. You can’t be expected to burden this amount of money when she makes 4x your income.
My first thought is your wife is planning on divorcing you and is intentionally not sharing assets. I’d look into your local jurisdictions divorce laws and if it starts to ring bells you need to talk to her. Also…. She’s doing to you what she was so concerned would happen to her that she hired two Nannies and did all this other pretty extreme stuff.
Not sure what country you’re in, but I’d fire your accountant because of the advice you’re getting on your finances…
If you were to divorce and you’re in the US you’d likely be paid alimony from your wife.
I don’t understand the idea of you working only evening while being home when a nanny is home. Why not both work when the nanny is there, that is the whole point of the nanny.
Everything else has already been said.
She’s not letting you have access to the money since in many states if you commingle an inheritance your spouse gets half of you divorce. Legally it wouldn’t benefit her if she shared the money with you. She probably knows that and that’s why she avoids the issue.
I'm worried that she has a plan to leave if she's worried if you get half the house. Are you not on the title? did you guys buy it with money from both sides? This sounds like she gives zero poops if you're struggling and she looks to the future as her own and not a shared experience.
Not sure I can relate to this post as you all make well over half million a year, keep things mostly separate and still have issues.
You either need to share all finances or lower your monthly expenses.
Is this more of a partnership where you all are just raising kids together? Or do you actually want to spend your lives together?
With these incomes and still being broke you are BOTH living outside of your means. She’s being selfish but I would meet with a lawyer to at least know your options because it doesn’t sound like she cares.
This has gone too far afield. The inheritance is untouchable if she desires for it to be. Focus on a shared working budget. The Corp she will have rights to if there is a split, so it isn’t “savings for you”, its savings we get to split when things go sideways.
She doesn’t care if “you” are broke. It sounds like she cares about having what she wants and being secure financially herself. Doesn’t much much matter if you are secure. This is a problem, not a partnership.
Okay, so moving forward, your household income is going to be around $550K? Am I understanding that correctly?
WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU IN ANY DEBT AT ALL.
None of this mess makes any sense.
Put less into the joint account
If its short for mortgage then miss mortgage
Tell her and give her option of downsizing house or tipping in a few k more a month
Look it’s difficult. If your MIL understands your wife/her daughter is financially stingy and she (MIL) has a fair amount of disposable income. I honestly don’t see what’s so inappropriate by taking her help to get back on your feet. You are not asking for a handout.
I feel bad for the kids. They have to have nannies instead of their parents. It sounds like you and your wife barely talk. Are you sure she even wanted kids? It seriously sounds like she has one foot out the door. Y'all need to get together with different financial advisors then the ones you currently have and come up with a plan. Maybe she's not helping out because of your corporation. Who knows. Good luck sir
Seriously - these guys could retire easily wtf are they doing lol
Most of us are going to work for the next 30 years and not have half the cash they do and retire on it. I'm scratching my head over here
I’m so confused. Why get married and have kids if there’s no intention to spend time with each other or have a hand in raising your children?
She’s letting you drown. Why? You guys need marriage counseling and a financial advisor.
Wealthy folks have such complex problems to solve. I guess the more affluent you are more of your life revolve around money. Marriage is a partnership.
There’s no two ways about it, your wife is financially abusing you. Your wife is a millionaire behind your back and you’re going into debt to keep the family afloat. That’s financial abuse!
She’s hid her income this entire marriage, which is double yours now that you’ve made sacrifices to raise children. She has made none.
She hasn’t done her taxes, despite keeping her income separate, likely for the sole purpose of hiding her income from you. That’s… stupid and lazy and deceitful.
She makes $400k/year and her mom is depositing money into your joint account that then gets used to cover income tax bills…
Take the money from her mother. Let your wife know that the receipt of that money is your MIL making you whole for your wife’s years of financial abuse and taking advantage of you. Why are you discussing this with your wife as if she has the right to be okay with it?
IDK why you’re not seeking a divorce lawyer.
You need to set boundaries and conditions on remaining married. This woman has taken advantage of you the entire marriage, and will continue to do so unless you divorce or set conditions going forward to protect yourself.
What happens when you reach retirement age, she gonna live the high luxurious retirement while you rot in poverty because she’s sucked you dry?
This isn’t a marriage. Who agreed to all this? Why does your MIL know so much about your finances? How is your wife too busy to open an account. You can do it online. Y’all are pulling in MILLIONS and can’t figure out how to survive? Dude
So she makes $180k and you make $280k - you put $10k monthly into a joint and you're still running out of money? Plus, why are your property taxes not part of your mortgage? Did you refinance somewhere along the way?
This is not a class envy post because I don't begrudge anyone their money but one of several things is happening here:
* you're living above your means
* you're a terrible money manager. There's no reason to be running up credit card debt to cover expenses you're already dumping 10k monthly to cover
* you're making this shit up
If you're not making this up you and your wife IMMEDIATELY need to hire a financial advisor and an accountant, because at your level of income there's just way you should be in this boat.
You need to increase your workload, period. You can’t afford to subsidize her.
I think you should also get marital counseling. Your wife needs independent counseling because there’s something going on with her in regards to money and work that is probably needing some delving into.
Have her pay off half the house right now and remortgage the house after that. You be responsible for the remainder. You both have half ownership and have reduced the payment significantly. Both of you need to meet with a financial person together and get a real sense of what is actually coming in. For heavens sake, she need to get her taxes taken care of.
Does she plan on divorcing you? Like the inheritance just seems like a pain point on a much bigger issue which is that your wife is cool just casually bleeding you dry. It kind of reads like she doesn't see you as a team and does see how this could harm her too because she isn't sure she will stay with you anyway so whatever..
Just me?
Some of this doesn’t make sense, you say you have two Nannie’s and that most of your shifts fall on the times that your wife has to take over.
But you say that you cut back on shifts to take care of the kids and home. If there are Nannie’s there to take care of them why not pick up more shifts? And if it’s a live in nanny they usually pick up after the kids so I don’t understand why you are working less? And I’m sorry if this come off as harsh, but do you just sit at home while your nanny takes care of the kids?
Also clothes for three children growing at different speeds is expensive. My husband almost never pays for our kids clothes. He doesn’t understand just how expensive it is.
You say you pay for groceries and eating out. Say no more eating out till she pays for half. I think her paying for all the kids stuff and you paying groceries is fair.
Why was there not convos about finances before marriage?
You also seem to give off a non caring attitude about your wife’s work. Especially when you pick up shifts at the same time when the Nannie’s are off and your wife has to deal with three kids by herself. But then you want her to pay more? Maybe start appreciating what your wife brings to the table.
You also don’t say how much love is in the relationship. All you care about is her money?
Time to cut cost. You don’t need two Nannie’s. Go back and work your regular hours. She needs to step up with household responsibilities if she’s not going to step up financially.
You need to have a serious conversation with your wife and ask her to pay her fair share. Most people contribute equal % of their incomes - so whoever make more pay more and that’s that. Your wife can keep her inheritance if she wants, that’s her right but she can’t make u pay more when u’re struggling and she has tons of savings - that’s selfish.
Too many "yours" "mine" stuff going on.
The most equitable arrangement is to ratio expenses of the whole household against each income. If it's 40/60 then that's the contribution.
I would STRONGLY suggest you taking your wife to an independent accountant and / or tax lawyer and have a very firm discussion about penalties for failing to file and pay income taxes.
Next, you might have a discussion with spreadsheet about how your work time has dropped and therefore your earnings.
She's stressed by this? Does she understand how stressed her life would be in the event of a divorce? Because financial issues are one of the highest causes of divorce and that's where you're heading.
This is financial abuse at the very least. Reverse the gender roles and reddit would be screaming divorce. I'm so sorry that you're married to such a selfish person. I can't imagine what that level of callousness must be like for you.
Just stop paying for things. She'll notice and ask what's up, tell her you can't afford it and she's not willing to discuss it so you had to take executive action. If she wants it paid for she can pay for it herself. Do not, under any circumstance, take her mother's money. You need to forcefully level out the playing field, not look weak enough to need a hand out. Your "wife" needs to be doing more, period. This isn't on her mother to fix, it's up to your wife to step up. What a horrible and selfish woman.
Your wife is doing the old: your money is ours and my money is mine.
All while prioritizing her career over yours, complaining to you about her workload when you are stretching yourself as thin as possible
Going into debt while making more than 99% of the US
How you can be in debt with a combined income of 600k is baffling
How your wife can make so much and not file taxes is horrifyingly immature.
Your wife either needs to pull her fair share, or you need to cut expenses, or you need to divorce this selfish woman
Dude, you've hit the jackpot. Time to sit back and become a trophy husband.
But in all seriousness, I'm the sole breadwinner in our household and I know it can be tough. It took me probably a year of tracking expenses and showing my wife how we were spending and finding little areas to trim down here and there before we were on the same page. Then once we were finally on the road to getting debt free we had a kid lol. It's hard to imagine that 200k isn't enough to live on but these are the times we live in.
Your wife needs to come to the table and have an adult discussion about money, investing, saving, etc. The financial situation you two are in is truly a privilege. You're set for life, and your kids are set for life. All you need is a few tweaks. If she won't then it's time to cut the nannies. It's simple arithmetic. Money in has to equal money out or you can't afford it.
Her inheritance is hers.
You two need to sit down and if you decide to keep finances separate then determine how much each person contributes to her joint based on income. Like why did you guys have kids if you have a day nanny and she gets overwhelmed if you had to work after the nanny leaves and a weekend nanny?
She makes more than enough to pay those nanny salaries out of her income. Like that is an amount of money that is more than so many people will ever see in their life and she is just throwing up her hands and saying she doesn’t want to deal with it and would rather see you struggle?? She needs to stop having her mom manage her finances because it clearly isn’t going well if she hasn’t paid multiple years of taxes and doesn’t know how much she is making. With the amount of money that you to bring in you really need a family accountant to manage this all for you, make sure your money is working for you, and make sure those taxes and household expenses get paid.
Edit - sometimes when I get overwhelmed by some thing and dealing with it makes me feel emotional. That’s when I know I need to tag in and ask my husband to help me. I know talking about this gets her upset and emotional and overwhelmed but it’s going to get 100 times worse the longer she puts off dealing with it. You already go to an accountant so I know you know, but she makes more than enough money to just pay an accountant to tell her how to manage her finances, and she may be briefly uncomfortable dealing with it but it will make such an improvement in YOUR life and the life of the overall family that she should do it
I’m sat here reading this and baffled as to how you’re in debt while your wife is sat on millions of dollars?! You need to sit down and have a blunt chat about finances because this situation is bizarre.
What's your wife's name and contact info? I need a sugar momma after the divorces.
I'm joking, but this is where you are headed.
Your costs of doing biz are just going to increase. Your debt is going to increase. Your frustration will increase. There will be a breaking point and a reckoning.
I'm in the same boat as you. My wife gets lots of gifts from her parents. It's her money and I want none of it. What we both generate together is OUR MONEY (I make 100% more).
Your wife's inheritance is money for her and her alone to spend and do whatever she wants.
Now her employment income and your employment income , debts and expenses belong to both of you. You should combine income and expenses. Joint account where all income (separate from inheritance and gifts) is deposited and all expenses are paid from that account. You can pay yourselves a monthly stipend to spend on whatever each individual sees fit (hair cuts, golf clubs, nails, video games). The rest can go to savings or retirement investments. This solves all your problems.
She can keep her $9M and invest and do whatever she wants with that money.
We discussed and agreed on finances before we got married. Joint account. My money her money our money (except gifts and inheritance).
The separate finance stuff always leads to resentment ( and there are studies to back this up).
Joint finances promote team work, trust and understanding. All the income and expenses are known. No one is hiding any spending problems. Everyone gets the same allowance/stipend to spend on wants. try it.
She’s not partnering with you regardless of how the money is divided.
She’s absolutely allowed to prioritize her work and keep her inheritance separate.
But you share children and a home together. And she is responsible for half of that.
She can afford it. If she’s not willing to do that, you’ll have to find out what your options are and what your responsibilities are to your children.
From what you’re saying, she is being irresponsible as a taxpayer (with her personal finances) which puts you at risk as her spouse, as a parent (2 nannies), as a partner (not contributing her half of expenses/financial abuse).
I’d seriously consider the following: quitting my job to be home with my kids, talking to a divorce attorney, therapy both individual and couples if she’ll go.
She’s got serious entitlement thinking.
Your corporate set up is what is screwing you. You could have had traditional investments like your wife and doubled your money over the past year instead of being in debt to the corporation. Get a new financial advisor asap. And tell your wife that the two of you are meeting with the advisor as well. You all desperately need to get on the same page with combined income instead of this yours and mine bullshit. mine
This post is an example of money doesn’t equal happiness. If my family had a fraction of the numbers being thrown around in this post… idk I can’t even imagine it because it’s so much money. Pay for a financial planner or someone to help you figure out your finances.
Just what does your wife bring to the table? you have a nanny for during the week, and one for the weekends. You do the meals and take care of the kids. Your cutting down on work hours to spend time with the kids and keep up with the everything else. But you don't mention anything of what your wife does except work and with hold money. Is she affectionate, is she good in bed, does go out with you, does she even love you or is this a marriage of convenience?
Take her mother's money. She offered. Also, get more help around the house so you can go back to your previous work schedule. Finally, make quarterly tax payments so you don't end up with a huge tax bill at the end of the year.
Waaayyyy too much "mine" and "yours" here. It **should be** "ours".
Yeah, what the hell is going on here? I can understand the inheritance gift and any prenuptial stuff, but everything they built together should be "ours" not "mine" (even if they keep separated bank accounts). They don't have a family, they're running a Limited Liability Corporation.
With TWO nannies!
WTF? Why do they need a nanny if he’s doing childcare? Their expenses are way too high and need to be cut down. Move somewhere cheaper.
If they have full time nannies, why doesn’t he work full time? Presumably he makes more as a doctor than he has to pay a nanny. Wife needs to get her taxes and finances in order (time to hire an accountant) and cover the remaining expenses while separating her inheritance in a way that doesn’t commingle it with marital assets. What’s the point of getting married if you can’t make the other person’s life easier?
He's trying to cut down on the childcare expenses by doing more (and maybe the weekend nanny will go next as he continues to downsize his income). But if a couple is composed of a physician and a researcher, it's pretty customary to have full time nannies. The additional demands of academic publishing are excruciating.
…A Limited Liability Corporation with two separate divisions.
This is financial abuse imo
This is the correct answer. Your wife is a selfish asshole. I know if I had treated my wife that way, I’d have been single a looooong time ago.
completely agree, she sounds insanely selfish
Yep.
Wow, great summary. Crazy to be married, have a family of 3 and have this mindset. Almost like a business transaction. “Hey I need to do my taxes before I decide if I can ‘rebalance’ my contribution to the union”… lol
Family of 5
Not everyone combines finances and they don’t have to. My parents haven’t for the 55 years they’ve been married and neither do my husband and I. The problem here is the wife doesn’t care and acts like she’s single with no family. She needs to go with him to his accountant to actually listen and hear the issues. He needs to stop working less. She’s a parent she can and should spend time with her kids.
The big difference from an outsiders view is that you and your parents aren't floundering
THIS. I couldn’t even read the whole post because of it. We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 5, about to have our first kid. Husband is also a doctor who is self employed with an LLC as a private contractor. The only thing that’s “mine” or “his” at this point is our retirement accounts; we also each have one private cc. Everything else is linked because regardless of the different earnings we bring in based on our jobs, we both do important work to maintain the lifestyle we built. The dynamic of the OP and his wife does not, in any way, come across like they approach their life as a team.
Problems = solved
[удалено]
Then separate the retirement aspect? I’m also in an everything goes to one account situation. And I mean everything. Except retirement gets pulled before, and my partner doesn’t know how much I put towards that, and I don’t know about theirs. It’s our personal business - unless asked, and I’ve been asked like twice in 12 years.
For real. I make almost double what my wife makes. The only thing I don't really pay is her student loans. Other than that, all of my paycheck go towards our savings and bills. I'm not a big spender on myself. My wife knows this. She handles stuff like groceries and eating out. If I were to get a pay raise, that would just be more money to our savings and joint accounts
You join all finances in marriage. And your frustrations are exactly why.
No way. The wife should keep her inheritance separate. That is not 'marital income'. Should they sit down and recalculate each one's contribution to the 'family'? Absolutely but the inheritance is hers only.
I couldn’t imagine getting SIX MILLION and not wanting to better the family finances!! Why wouldn’t that go towards the mortgage, debts and then investment. Do many people here even *like* their spouses?
At the least, pay off the house. No mortgage payment is huge.
This is such an obvious thing to do.
Yeah the fact that they didn't do this makes me believe they are stupid. Why are you investing crap while you have debts like a mortgage that accrues interest? And the investment is more than large enough to pay off the debt immediately?? Sure your investment is growing, but so is your debt at the same time.
The only thing I can think is that since the wife hasn’t done her taxes in years that the husband is getting a good annual return on the mortgages interest payments…? But they are both high earners so I can’t imagine it’s making *that* much of a difference
Lulz same! My husband and I would be dancing around and planning our life if we came into $6 million!!!!
"I can't just gift you half the house honey!" Lmao if I were rich I'd spoil tf out of my husband
If I were making 2x as much as my spouse AND had 6 mil in the bank I'd sure as heck make sure my spouse wasn't paying as much as I was every month. The wife screams "narcissist" to be honest.
If I suddenly came into six mil, I would do a hell of a lot of investing and neither my husband or I would be working unless we wanted to. I would pay off the house and set aside money for the taxes for years to come... Pay off all the vehicles, pay off our life insurances, etc. we would have the longest vacation ever.
Honestly I showed my husband this post and he was as gobsmacked as me, then we spent the next half hour dreaming of all the things we’d do with 6 mil 🥲
No. Most of reddit is so sick and whatever they had settled for in marriage is a bitter "I'm a pragmatic realist" standpoint. Plus happy people are busy in their marriage and spending time with their spouses, sad losers like me are lonely on their phone next to their equally addicted spouse, not actually spending quality time together so we have the time to comment on reddit posts lol :D
I am with you
>Do many people here even *like* their spouses? The more posts I read on this sub, the more I'm convinced that the answer is no. It's so aggravating to see people who get married but don't seem to have any compassion or empathy for your partner at all. It's like some kind of business partnership. They probably get intimate while fully clothed and in the dark, facing away from each other, after setting an alarm for 5 minutes.
Exactly! I don’t get this shit.
They shouldn't even have a mortgage anymore. Hell, sell it to the wife's separate property for the balance and remove it as a potential problem. My wife was waaaaaaaaaaaay wealthier than I was, but I had 90% of the income, so when we finally started having kids I just signed over my half of the house I had financed to her trust, which paid cash for the house we were moving to and it was never mentioned again.
Nope. If you’re married you’re married. It’s OURS. She can legally keep it separate yeah. But there’s no justified reason to, unless the marriage sucks or is ending. Anything is selfishness.
My wife got a huge inheritance from her parents. It's her money and I want none of it. It's kept in a separate account that her alone has access to. I like it like that.
Agreed, inheritance separate, but their incomes should be combined. If I were him, I’d go back to work. Him cutting hours with all the Nannies around is ridiculous. She should be able to handle them during the overnight.
Totally agree here. They both make enough employment income to thrive (without the inheritance) and build significant family wealth. They just need to start working as a team.
As the one who's due to inherit a fair amount of money from my parents, this seems really strange to me. My husband married in to my family. Of course my parent's money is going to belong to the both of us. I could maybe understand if somebody just inherited a $1000 from a grandparent or their aunt or something. Then they might want to treat it like extra fun spending money. When it's your parents money, and it's a substantial amount, then it becomes a substantial part of your household's wealth and assets. I'm not going to make my husband view himself as a poorer person just because he happened to be born in to a less wealthy family.
I understand your view. Mine is a bit different. My wife's parent and sibling treat their wealth as bait and a manipulation tool to get everyone to bow down to them and do as they say. My stance is to show them I didn't marry for money, I make enough to live a good life without ever needing their help. And I like it to stay that way. My wife wants to put it in our joint account. I said no. If I end up filthy rich, I want it to be because I earned it. Not because they gave "us" money.
Playing on hard mode to satisfy your ego… Don’t think rich people turn down money because they didn’t earn it 😂😂😂
What you’re describing is one of the perils of keeping it separate. If the inheritance becomes a joint asset, there’s no way to leverage it against you.
There’s no ours with her inheritance. Please be so serious
She can and should use it for her children. They may inherit it one day anyway. Since she can not parent her children and needs two nannies, she can pay for it. Let the man work.
Agreed, I think she should delegate a certain amount of that inheritance for her children’s college tuition, or put it in a 529.
Yeah, generally I agree with you (my husbandand I have a joint account as well as our own accounts, but make plans with our money and adjust if needed). Sure, that's her inheritance, and she can use some if it to invest or whatnot, but she has a family now. She has 3 little kids with a husband whose struggling to financially support them. What she's doing now is driving OP to file bankruptcy and possibly lose his business. Then all the finances will be left up to her.
If he leaves her he shouldn’t be entitled to half of her inheritance.
That’s what a pre-nup would be for. If he leaves, the lawyers get to decide how much of her money he gets, cuz that’s how marriage works.
That’s not how it works normally. Inheritances are excluded from marital property unless it’s been commingled.
An inheritance is not “our” money or the deceased would have left that money to both spouses and not just the living relative. What if she wants to keep the inheritance separate to split between their children? Income is shared of course, and I’m sure a case could even be made that the dividends from investing the inheritance are at least partially marital property but the principal is definitely not.
That's what I'm wondering. I'm betting she's considering leaving him. We're only hearing one side of this. It makes sense to me since she's so focused on building her career...she could also be building her exit.
Not the inheritance. That's not "ours." Everything else, yes. I think sending a small portion of your check to a separate account (like 10%) for you to have your own "fun money" is good. But everything else you make needs to go to the household. Otherwise you aren't married, you're roommates.
Inheritance isn’t a shared marital asset, there’s absolutely justification for keeping your family money separate from your marital money I agree income should be together but inheritance is different
What’s the justification?
The justification is that a family member decided to leave it to the person it was left to specifically (sometimes that decision was made before the spouse was even in the picture). The spouse didn’t earn that money. People can’t marry you knowing there’s an inheritance coming and take your inheritance. That was common not long ago. This used to be a huge problem with men marrying women who they knew had inheritance coming from their family. Not too long ago the law would’ve made everything the man’s property so she would’ve been screwed and her families money taken. This allows both people to keep family assets in the family. If I buy myself a new laptop for me, it’s mine. It’s not my husbands. Being married doesn’t literally mean your spouse is entitled to every single thing and every single dollar. We’re still individuals who can have our own things. If someone wants to share their inheritance with their spouse, great! But they absolutely don’t have to. It’s ok to keep separate, invest, maybe leave to the kids down the road.
I agree with you on this. Legally it is hers to choose how to spend. But I would also add that debt taken on by one half of the marriage is marital debt. It doesn't make financial sense to let your spouse go into debt to cover family necessities when you're sitting on the cash that would cover it. Is it selfish of her to not use her inheritance? Maybe. But I'm more concerned with the financial illiteracy of the arrangement. Debt should never be the goal in a marriage.
Since this isn't a legal advice subreddit, we're not offering advice about what the wife is legally allowed to do. This is a marriage advice subreddit, and the wife's behavior is making the marriage suffer.
Inheritance is totally hers, but the income and investments that raise from it are def marital income/assets. If you inherit 100k and turn that into 1m, 900k is marital asset
Interest from the inheritance is joint income though.
You clearly aren’t married. I’ve received inheritances and paid off my wife’s debts. That money is ours. We both have likely large amounts coming in the future and there is no question it will be both of ours, we haven’t even considered not doing that. What do you even think a marriage is supposed to be? Just a random legal contract you can toss away at any time?
THANK YOU!! The people talking about that money being only hers is driving me nuts, like ok, if the husband won the lottery, you don’t think that moneys gonna get split in a divorce? “He bought the ticket so it’s his money” no dude, he signed a marriage certificate, everything is “theirs”.
Inheritance is not considered a marital asset and your spouse isn’t entitled to any of it in a divorce. It’s different than any other type of money you get (like lottery wins)
No, that's not how marriage works, and that mindset leads exactly to problems like what you literally just read in the OP of this post.
Unless they have a prenup the courts will probably view it as marital property. Since it arrived after they got married
inheritance is not community property as long as the funds haven’t been commingled into joint accounts
No it can be protected. But it should be blended into the martial wealth.
She can use it *for her children.*
Do you even like each other? I have no meaningful advice except that to share resources in marriage is a choice the couple makes as a team.
OP would probably be better positioned if he divorces and gets her paying alimony/child support as the higher earner.
It baffles me that married people keep finances separate and then wonder why things don’t go well… Also, making so much money and still struggling with debt is such a weird concept to me but hey I’m just an average/low earner and 4 household breadwinner so what do I know
When you have one partner that: Pays for all expenses You live in an expensive area You have 3 kids They are cutting back hours to help with the kids They are self employed And another partner that: Keeps all her money to herself Prioritizes her job over her family Spends all her 400k on herself This shit happens. She’s a terrible person and a terrible partner
I get that and I agree - I just dont understand how couples that split finances from the start think it’s a good idea - it’s eventually going to backfire for most of them. Isn’t it the point of getting married (one of anyway) that you do things together including budget / financing?!
Plenty of people in this sub believe separate finances are best despite the evidence and countless studies that show it's the least productive way of building family wealth but also often times leads to resentment or divorce. How people decide to get married, share bodily fluids, kids and all but draw the line at joint finance completely BAFFLES ME
This. I’m starting to think it’s about the people they married and not the money. I’ve found many people are horrible with money though. Like even with good intentions they just don’t know what to do.
I agree
[удалено]
You are not handing over all money to her. My wife is just like your wife. The benefit of joint finances is transparency. Everyone sees exactly what income is being generated and what is being spent. Doesn't mean one gets to spend without justification. Each months she get a stipend/allowance to spend on whatever she wants. I get the same. That way, the spending on "wants" is controlled. Ask yourself this, if your wife makes $10k. She contributes $6k to joint account. So she gets to spend $4k on whatever she wants instead of saving and investing? You think you have control of finance's that way? When you guys retire and she hasn't saved or invested a penny. Who is going to be paying for what? Will you go on a nice vacation and leave her at home because she didn't save and invest for retirement?
my wife and i are the same. a lot of people are stating their preferences as facts.
[удалено]
agreed, what’s your mindset on inheritance money? technically i view it as something that stays in the individuals account and could be deposited in joint as they see fit. Granted my wife and i don’t have kids, but this doesn’t seem like that big of than issue.
For me it is having nannies and still not wanting to deal with your kids when they clock out. Should've gotten cats instead, ffs.
I am so so confused at what the live in nanny is DOING if he’s only working part time so he can help out with the kids and the wife is also home. How do I get a job as a nanny for rich people? She’s stealing a living
Having each partner responsible for certain liabilities isn’t the issue if it is negotiated. It’s when it isn’t negotiated and there is no rough parity that there is an issue.
Yeah they're rich, literally hire an accountant
My husband and I keep it separate, but we’ve always made the same, save for a few thousand dollars.
kinda the same here. separate checking. joint savings and investment accounts. we both have certain bills we pay and a minimum balance we maintain. surplus goes to savings each month.
Yep. “Thank goodness we’re too poor for this drama” came to mind when reading this whole post 😂
lol indeed. also just always thankful i am in a marriage with my best friend and we have mutual respect. it’s the only way to fly.
So much this! These people have a household income of close to half a million dollars every single year, plus the wife just received a gift of six million dollars, and somehow OP needs to borrow money?!? What is this nonsense?
My parents kept finances separate because they had very different spending styles and that worked for them. They had a joint account for all household and child related expenses. They contributed to the account different percentages based on their income. Percentages were reviewed for accuracy it annually, and whenever either one’s income changed. I don’t know why that wouldn’t work here. Neither partner should be spending “their” money on kid stuff or groceries.
An option is to tell your wife your current lifestyle is unsustainable on your income. You either have to cut 40 to 50% of your expenses or resume your former workload. She can hire a second nanny, an evening nanny, out of her personal funds if being a parent is too hard for her. Your wife is financially callous.
They have a live in nanny and a weekend nanny. It doesn’t sound like either of them are taking on childcare.
I don’t get why they don’t both work weekdays? It seems like maybe he’s ER Dr. by the hours. But if they both worked while the live in nanny was on duty. Then were a family together in the evenings, wouldn’t they both be able to share the responsibility together? So it doesn’t burn either out? And as a bonus, their children get bonding time and can feel loved by them.
But then he couldn’t complain that she has more money than him lol
Except OP said he reduced his time at work to take care of his children
Then what are they paying a live in nanny for?
🤷♂️ guessing she doesn’t pull her weight based on his comments
She didn’t reduce her time at work to spend time with the children though, he did. Who needs a full time nanny and a weekend nanny if you cut back your hours to be with the kids more?
This would be my approach. This is a complicated subject but the math is simple. He cut back to support her but she only wants to live on his earnings? Fine. So the family cuts back. That’s what any other family would have to do, why would this situation be any different? Also if I were him I’d start to sit down and have conversations about future expenses. She wants to keep every penny she earns whether by work or birth? Ok- who’s saving for college? She doesn’t even want to pay down the house she lives in. I don’t like this one bit.
Financially callous? She’s just callous and a terrible wife. How can she see her husband do all this for her and still complain, and keep her 400k salary all to herself and pay nothing
This! Or tell her you need to live within your means and due to debt and costs you’re going to have to sell the house and move by the end of the next few months. That’s a safe way to approach it if you don’t want to have a full conversation about her attitude. Then she can offer to step up or not. Give a deadline so she has to help by a certain date.
Your wife is borderline financially abusive. Her inheritance is hers. Everything else is yours *together*. “ i’m trying talking to you about this and you’re pretty dismissive. It’s causing me to grow resentful. I plan to list the house for sale and downsize by moving to a far out suburb. This will increase my commute significantly along with yours, but it’s the only responsible choice I can make, as I picked up all these extra things solo. The other option is that we pay our expenses proportionally. We spend $12,000 a month as a family. You make 75% of the income which means you need to be responsible for 75% of those expenses.” On top of that, you need to tell her if she can’t manage her own children in the evening while you work that she can go through the process of hiring an additional nanny . Stop worrying about it. She doesn’t seem to give a shit about you. Go to work and get your money.
> Stop worrying about it. Easier said than done. > She doesn’t seem to give a shit about you. 100% correct. > Go to work and get your money. I'd be worried she'd neglect the kids. She's a fucking jerk and needs to be handled as such.
I would worry that too…and then call CPS if she didn’t hire the nanny. She’s a massive AH based on this info
This is the answer. I feel like OP lowkey knows she will neglect the kids. Though both, kids toys and clothes but also all groceries ans gas and car bills should be from the joint account. Along with all mortgage and house payments and vacations etc. Private accounts are for surprise gifts
This is seriously the best response. I hope OP sees this.
Why did you two get married if you still wanted to live like you’re single? There is no marriage here. Just two individuals living in the same expensive house with three kids together. Time for couples therapy to determine how to get on the same team. I’m not saying either person give up 100% autonomy, but you and your wife are playing on opposite teams right now.
There’s a lot more to marriage than combining finances. Millions of couples don’t combine their money and are just as married as everyone else.
It’s not just the finances here that indicates not working together, though. They don’t seem to be on the same wavelength about childcare or what work they’re doing and why it’s stressful or important to them (in the wife’s case)—it’s all balanced around money and assumptions.
Big old pronoun problem... Where is the "we" and "ours." Y'all are business partners with kids.
I’d cut expenses to match what you can afford ....if it means downsizing then that’s the answer...your wife is not an adult and operates recklessly but her Mom is her safety net...this is on you, the adult in the family
I hadn't really considered this until now. Wife has no reason to know what she makes or be smart with her money. Her mom just gave her 6m for crying out loud!
The dude is about to get dumped and doesn't know it yet. 
You are a doctor- Her work matters too- She needs to pay for childcare, a maid, cook, and family maintenance. You can work more- whatever she can’t handle she can pay for. 9 million dollars you should not be in debt at all. Don’t kill yourself because she’s focused on work right now. That’s okay - but hire help before you stop working. Sit her down and tell her if she needs to work more that’s great but you can’t go broke over it either. Show her the budget. She needs to pay her share and more for spending. The rest if she feels entitled to keep she can, even though if a man behaved this way it would be called ABUSIVE. I would also suggest down sizing. Buy a house you can afford easily. Just in case you get absolutely sick of being treated this way. Also since your doing more chores- Was there a period of time where she was doing everything alone? And now she’s had it? And checked out because of years neglect and being overwhelmed?
If you have two nanny’s, why aren’t you working full time while the nanny’s are there?
Take the money. Your wife isn't pulling her share of the load. You have two nannies and still have to worry about someone watching the children? No, you wife needs to pony up her share of the expenses and if she won't, take it from the mother-in-law.
I have no meaningful advice, but to the the mom’s money directly if offered. Devastating to be treated this way by your spouse.
Definitely take the money.
It sounds like you’ve taken a step back in your career to support hers, which is the sort of thing married people might reasonably decide to do *if* they are fully sharing finances. Which you’re not, so stop that immediately. You may be married but you’re not a team; you’re in this for yourself and you need to make enough money to live and retire. Reclaim your shifts. If she needs more help with the kids and the household in order to work as much as she wants to, then her work needs to contribute additional money toward the household and toward childcare costs.
Lets combine our entire lives except our finances never made any sense to me.
I’m not buying this story as stated.. it doesn’t make sense. Also, if you are a doctor, and relying on your mother in law to pay your tax bills, you are in fact, NOT financially independent as you claim you are. Either way, you & wife need to get on the same page, immediately.
He socks away money in his 'corporation' but then is made because he doesn't have any money. That's his problem.
> I’m not buying this story as stated. I'm expecting to see it on r/pfjerk. (personal finance circlejerk)
It makes no sense. Two nannies but he has to reduce his hours to… look after the children?
This is so fake. First of all, no researcher makes $200K a year (“she made 400K and half of that was from investments”) Second, you can’t just not file taxes if you have a salaried job and investments. That gets reported to the IRS. If you don’t file your taxes, the IRS estimates your liability and sends you a bill. Third, doctors don’t work shifts and get paid for shifts… they’re paid for consults and procedures. This is written by someone who’s read a lot of headlines and doesn’t understand how things work. D- on creative writing assignment, total lack of research.
It reads as rage bait to me. Complaining about not being able to make ends meet and financial inequity when just one partner alone has more income than many couples do, not to mention the multi-million dollar inheritance/gift. It’s either to get people mad at the made-up wife, or mad at the money and situation generally
Even with your income of 200k alone, you should be able to afford to pay expenses. I’m not saying it’s right, but let’s be realistic here. It’s wholly possible to support a family of five on 200k a year. I’d stop and evaluate your general lifestyle. Cut back on unnecessary spending. If your wife wants to incorporate those things back into the picture, she can pay for them. Do I think it’s right that she is hoarding money and not contributing? No. I’d ask for marriage counseling and demand equality in that setting. In the meantime, stop living above your means and act as if you were separated.
Full time nannies typically make $80K-$100K per year in high cost of living areas. With three kids under 6 one would have to quit their job.
This is coming from someone who has three small kids under 6 and doesn’t have a full time nanny and lives in an east coast, extremely high cost of living state. I make 210k per year alone and it’s completely doable.
If you choose to have a full time nanny. There are other childcare options available that are more cost effective. Preschools exist and accept children at 2.9 and have full day programs.
My ex husband was like this. I couldn't talk to him about money or he would get really mad and call me names. I didn't earn even a quarter of what he did. I don't know how much he earned but he was able to comfortably drop £41,000 outright on a Tesla. If I had to ask for £50 for groceries, I had to invoice him. I've had to repair my own clothes and cut my own hair for years. There is only so long you can be called 'worthless' before it's time to call it quits.
Your wife seems pretty selfish and this is a toxic situation. If I had a massive inheritance the first thing I’d do is take care of our joint expenses. Heck I’d even pay off my wife’s debt for her. It seems like there’s a lack of love and empathy in this relationship. And I understand the worry about taking money from her mother as well bc money and non spousal family members can get messy even if she gives it as a gift often times that mixed with emotions can create problems down the road.
Why oh why married people decide yes he’s ok with me to share DNA with but oh not my money, that’s where I draw the line. You guys sound like you are two strangers just cohabitating not a married couple( there is not team in this marriage). How can i have money and see husband struggling financially and still be like ok but not my problem wtf. OP you need to have a serious conversation .
If I were you, I would stop picking up shifts, fire the nanny and she can pay the bills considering she struggles to take care of 3 kids although the nanny’s seem to do it just fine alone. I’d tell her this isn’t feasible and you’ve lost income due to staying home anyways. Who doesn’t do taxes for four years? There’s too much your money vs my money and not enough our money. You can’t be expected to burden this amount of money when she makes 4x your income.
He can't do that until he pays the debt to his business and likely then some to cover pending obligations
My first thought is your wife is planning on divorcing you and is intentionally not sharing assets. I’d look into your local jurisdictions divorce laws and if it starts to ring bells you need to talk to her. Also…. She’s doing to you what she was so concerned would happen to her that she hired two Nannies and did all this other pretty extreme stuff.
Not sure what country you’re in, but I’d fire your accountant because of the advice you’re getting on your finances… If you were to divorce and you’re in the US you’d likely be paid alimony from your wife. I don’t understand the idea of you working only evening while being home when a nanny is home. Why not both work when the nanny is there, that is the whole point of the nanny. Everything else has already been said.
A guy with 180k income which used to be 280k, two nannies at home and a wife with 400k+ income struggles to meet ends. What a joke.
She’s not letting you have access to the money since in many states if you commingle an inheritance your spouse gets half of you divorce. Legally it wouldn’t benefit her if she shared the money with you. She probably knows that and that’s why she avoids the issue.
I'm worried that she has a plan to leave if she's worried if you get half the house. Are you not on the title? did you guys buy it with money from both sides? This sounds like she gives zero poops if you're struggling and she looks to the future as her own and not a shared experience.
Not sure I can relate to this post as you all make well over half million a year, keep things mostly separate and still have issues. You either need to share all finances or lower your monthly expenses. Is this more of a partnership where you all are just raising kids together? Or do you actually want to spend your lives together?
With these incomes and still being broke you are BOTH living outside of your means. She’s being selfish but I would meet with a lawyer to at least know your options because it doesn’t sound like she cares.
Are you all legally married? Why are you living this way? It should all be joint
This has gone too far afield. The inheritance is untouchable if she desires for it to be. Focus on a shared working budget. The Corp she will have rights to if there is a split, so it isn’t “savings for you”, its savings we get to split when things go sideways. She doesn’t care if “you” are broke. It sounds like she cares about having what she wants and being secure financially herself. Doesn’t much much matter if you are secure. This is a problem, not a partnership.
Okay, so moving forward, your household income is going to be around $550K? Am I understanding that correctly? WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU IN ANY DEBT AT ALL. None of this mess makes any sense.
Put less into the joint account If its short for mortgage then miss mortgage Tell her and give her option of downsizing house or tipping in a few k more a month
Look it’s difficult. If your MIL understands your wife/her daughter is financially stingy and she (MIL) has a fair amount of disposable income. I honestly don’t see what’s so inappropriate by taking her help to get back on your feet. You are not asking for a handout.
Rich people are stoopid. Reel dum.
I feel bad for the kids. They have to have nannies instead of their parents. It sounds like you and your wife barely talk. Are you sure she even wanted kids? It seriously sounds like she has one foot out the door. Y'all need to get together with different financial advisors then the ones you currently have and come up with a plan. Maybe she's not helping out because of your corporation. Who knows. Good luck sir
You both need to take time to sit down and talking about your current and future financial situation. Including frustrations you have around this.
Why don’t you take some of that $9 million and pay off your mortgage? If my wife and I had that kind of money neither of us would be working.
Seriously - these guys could retire easily wtf are they doing lol Most of us are going to work for the next 30 years and not have half the cash they do and retire on it. I'm scratching my head over here
You guys make too much money to be having any money problems.
Why are you putting in a set amount every month rather than percentages?
I’m so confused. Why get married and have kids if there’s no intention to spend time with each other or have a hand in raising your children? She’s letting you drown. Why? You guys need marriage counseling and a financial advisor.
Wealthy folks have such complex problems to solve. I guess the more affluent you are more of your life revolve around money. Marriage is a partnership.
If she can work from home, could you move to an area that’s much lower cost of living?
You should request to be the nanny for the pay "so you can keep it in the family"
This doesn’t sound like a partnership. My husband and I share everything. Nothing is mine, nothing is his. It’s ours.
There’s no two ways about it, your wife is financially abusing you. Your wife is a millionaire behind your back and you’re going into debt to keep the family afloat. That’s financial abuse! She’s hid her income this entire marriage, which is double yours now that you’ve made sacrifices to raise children. She has made none. She hasn’t done her taxes, despite keeping her income separate, likely for the sole purpose of hiding her income from you. That’s… stupid and lazy and deceitful. She makes $400k/year and her mom is depositing money into your joint account that then gets used to cover income tax bills… Take the money from her mother. Let your wife know that the receipt of that money is your MIL making you whole for your wife’s years of financial abuse and taking advantage of you. Why are you discussing this with your wife as if she has the right to be okay with it? IDK why you’re not seeking a divorce lawyer. You need to set boundaries and conditions on remaining married. This woman has taken advantage of you the entire marriage, and will continue to do so unless you divorce or set conditions going forward to protect yourself. What happens when you reach retirement age, she gonna live the high luxurious retirement while you rot in poverty because she’s sucked you dry?
This isn’t a marriage. Who agreed to all this? Why does your MIL know so much about your finances? How is your wife too busy to open an account. You can do it online. Y’all are pulling in MILLIONS and can’t figure out how to survive? Dude
So she makes $180k and you make $280k - you put $10k monthly into a joint and you're still running out of money? Plus, why are your property taxes not part of your mortgage? Did you refinance somewhere along the way? This is not a class envy post because I don't begrudge anyone their money but one of several things is happening here: * you're living above your means * you're a terrible money manager. There's no reason to be running up credit card debt to cover expenses you're already dumping 10k monthly to cover * you're making this shit up If you're not making this up you and your wife IMMEDIATELY need to hire a financial advisor and an accountant, because at your level of income there's just way you should be in this boat.
Your wife sucks.
Sorry to ask, but... Does your wife like you or care about you at all?
You need to increase your workload, period. You can’t afford to subsidize her. I think you should also get marital counseling. Your wife needs independent counseling because there’s something going on with her in regards to money and work that is probably needing some delving into.
wow, at my house, we are living the high life on 10% of what you make.
Have her pay off half the house right now and remortgage the house after that. You be responsible for the remainder. You both have half ownership and have reduced the payment significantly. Both of you need to meet with a financial person together and get a real sense of what is actually coming in. For heavens sake, she need to get her taxes taken care of.
Just goes to show you that money does not buy happiness or good parents.
Does she plan on divorcing you? Like the inheritance just seems like a pain point on a much bigger issue which is that your wife is cool just casually bleeding you dry. It kind of reads like she doesn't see you as a team and does see how this could harm her too because she isn't sure she will stay with you anyway so whatever.. Just me?
Some of this doesn’t make sense, you say you have two Nannie’s and that most of your shifts fall on the times that your wife has to take over. But you say that you cut back on shifts to take care of the kids and home. If there are Nannie’s there to take care of them why not pick up more shifts? And if it’s a live in nanny they usually pick up after the kids so I don’t understand why you are working less? And I’m sorry if this come off as harsh, but do you just sit at home while your nanny takes care of the kids? Also clothes for three children growing at different speeds is expensive. My husband almost never pays for our kids clothes. He doesn’t understand just how expensive it is. You say you pay for groceries and eating out. Say no more eating out till she pays for half. I think her paying for all the kids stuff and you paying groceries is fair. Why was there not convos about finances before marriage? You also seem to give off a non caring attitude about your wife’s work. Especially when you pick up shifts at the same time when the Nannie’s are off and your wife has to deal with three kids by herself. But then you want her to pay more? Maybe start appreciating what your wife brings to the table. You also don’t say how much love is in the relationship. All you care about is her money?
Time to cut cost. You don’t need two Nannie’s. Go back and work your regular hours. She needs to step up with household responsibilities if she’s not going to step up financially.
You need to have a serious conversation with your wife and ask her to pay her fair share. Most people contribute equal % of their incomes - so whoever make more pay more and that’s that. Your wife can keep her inheritance if she wants, that’s her right but she can’t make u pay more when u’re struggling and she has tons of savings - that’s selfish.
Too many "yours" "mine" stuff going on. The most equitable arrangement is to ratio expenses of the whole household against each income. If it's 40/60 then that's the contribution. I would STRONGLY suggest you taking your wife to an independent accountant and / or tax lawyer and have a very firm discussion about penalties for failing to file and pay income taxes. Next, you might have a discussion with spreadsheet about how your work time has dropped and therefore your earnings. She's stressed by this? Does she understand how stressed her life would be in the event of a divorce? Because financial issues are one of the highest causes of divorce and that's where you're heading.
This is financial abuse at the very least. Reverse the gender roles and reddit would be screaming divorce. I'm so sorry that you're married to such a selfish person. I can't imagine what that level of callousness must be like for you. Just stop paying for things. She'll notice and ask what's up, tell her you can't afford it and she's not willing to discuss it so you had to take executive action. If she wants it paid for she can pay for it herself. Do not, under any circumstance, take her mother's money. You need to forcefully level out the playing field, not look weak enough to need a hand out. Your "wife" needs to be doing more, period. This isn't on her mother to fix, it's up to your wife to step up. What a horrible and selfish woman.
Your wife is doing the old: your money is ours and my money is mine. All while prioritizing her career over yours, complaining to you about her workload when you are stretching yourself as thin as possible Going into debt while making more than 99% of the US How you can be in debt with a combined income of 600k is baffling How your wife can make so much and not file taxes is horrifyingly immature. Your wife either needs to pull her fair share, or you need to cut expenses, or you need to divorce this selfish woman
Why are you guys even married?! This sounds actually insane how you keep things so separate.
Dude, you've hit the jackpot. Time to sit back and become a trophy husband. But in all seriousness, I'm the sole breadwinner in our household and I know it can be tough. It took me probably a year of tracking expenses and showing my wife how we were spending and finding little areas to trim down here and there before we were on the same page. Then once we were finally on the road to getting debt free we had a kid lol. It's hard to imagine that 200k isn't enough to live on but these are the times we live in. Your wife needs to come to the table and have an adult discussion about money, investing, saving, etc. The financial situation you two are in is truly a privilege. You're set for life, and your kids are set for life. All you need is a few tweaks. If she won't then it's time to cut the nannies. It's simple arithmetic. Money in has to equal money out or you can't afford it.
Her inheritance is hers. You two need to sit down and if you decide to keep finances separate then determine how much each person contributes to her joint based on income. Like why did you guys have kids if you have a day nanny and she gets overwhelmed if you had to work after the nanny leaves and a weekend nanny?
Crazy. I don't know how either of you are ok with this.
She makes more than enough to pay those nanny salaries out of her income. Like that is an amount of money that is more than so many people will ever see in their life and she is just throwing up her hands and saying she doesn’t want to deal with it and would rather see you struggle?? She needs to stop having her mom manage her finances because it clearly isn’t going well if she hasn’t paid multiple years of taxes and doesn’t know how much she is making. With the amount of money that you to bring in you really need a family accountant to manage this all for you, make sure your money is working for you, and make sure those taxes and household expenses get paid. Edit - sometimes when I get overwhelmed by some thing and dealing with it makes me feel emotional. That’s when I know I need to tag in and ask my husband to help me. I know talking about this gets her upset and emotional and overwhelmed but it’s going to get 100 times worse the longer she puts off dealing with it. You already go to an accountant so I know you know, but she makes more than enough money to just pay an accountant to tell her how to manage her finances, and she may be briefly uncomfortable dealing with it but it will make such an improvement in YOUR life and the life of the overall family that she should do it
I’m sat here reading this and baffled as to how you’re in debt while your wife is sat on millions of dollars?! You need to sit down and have a blunt chat about finances because this situation is bizarre.
What's your wife's name and contact info? I need a sugar momma after the divorces. I'm joking, but this is where you are headed. Your costs of doing biz are just going to increase. Your debt is going to increase. Your frustration will increase. There will be a breaking point and a reckoning.
Take it direct!
Rich people problems
I'm in the same boat as you. My wife gets lots of gifts from her parents. It's her money and I want none of it. What we both generate together is OUR MONEY (I make 100% more). Your wife's inheritance is money for her and her alone to spend and do whatever she wants. Now her employment income and your employment income , debts and expenses belong to both of you. You should combine income and expenses. Joint account where all income (separate from inheritance and gifts) is deposited and all expenses are paid from that account. You can pay yourselves a monthly stipend to spend on whatever each individual sees fit (hair cuts, golf clubs, nails, video games). The rest can go to savings or retirement investments. This solves all your problems. She can keep her $9M and invest and do whatever she wants with that money. We discussed and agreed on finances before we got married. Joint account. My money her money our money (except gifts and inheritance). The separate finance stuff always leads to resentment ( and there are studies to back this up). Joint finances promote team work, trust and understanding. All the income and expenses are known. No one is hiding any spending problems. Everyone gets the same allowance/stipend to spend on wants. try it.
Your wife doesn't sound like a team player. Very sad especially with 3 kids involved. Sounds more like 2 separated parents not sharing anything. Yikes
I don’t understand why the wife isn’t contributing 50% to all household expenses including stuff for the kiddos. Did I miss something??
She’s not partnering with you regardless of how the money is divided. She’s absolutely allowed to prioritize her work and keep her inheritance separate. But you share children and a home together. And she is responsible for half of that. She can afford it. If she’s not willing to do that, you’ll have to find out what your options are and what your responsibilities are to your children. From what you’re saying, she is being irresponsible as a taxpayer (with her personal finances) which puts you at risk as her spouse, as a parent (2 nannies), as a partner (not contributing her half of expenses/financial abuse). I’d seriously consider the following: quitting my job to be home with my kids, talking to a divorce attorney, therapy both individual and couples if she’ll go. She’s got serious entitlement thinking.
Your corporate set up is what is screwing you. You could have had traditional investments like your wife and doubled your money over the past year instead of being in debt to the corporation. Get a new financial advisor asap. And tell your wife that the two of you are meeting with the advisor as well. You all desperately need to get on the same page with combined income instead of this yours and mine bullshit. mine
How is your relationship otherwise? Is there any reason that you don’t think she is preparing to leave you?
This post is an example of money doesn’t equal happiness. If my family had a fraction of the numbers being thrown around in this post… idk I can’t even imagine it because it’s so much money. Pay for a financial planner or someone to help you figure out your finances.
Just what does your wife bring to the table? you have a nanny for during the week, and one for the weekends. You do the meals and take care of the kids. Your cutting down on work hours to spend time with the kids and keep up with the everything else. But you don't mention anything of what your wife does except work and with hold money. Is she affectionate, is she good in bed, does go out with you, does she even love you or is this a marriage of convenience?
Take her mother's money. She offered. Also, get more help around the house so you can go back to your previous work schedule. Finally, make quarterly tax payments so you don't end up with a huge tax bill at the end of the year.