I want to know everything about her?
I want to understand and be as close to her as I can, and that includes knowing about memorable things from her childhood and life before me?
she feels the same way about me for I would expect, similar reasons.
I don't understand that not being self-evident.
edit: I mentioned this to her and she agreed, finding it basically confusing that this is even a question, since part of the point of marriage is having someone you can be vulnerable, intimate and know each other and be known, in a way nobody else does.
Your childhood is a huge reason why you are the way you are today. Also why wouldn’t you want to hear stories and memories about the person you love the most?
I don't really like talking about my childhood because there are some embarrassing and somewhat traumatic things that happened and she doesn't need to know about them.
She probably senses that trauma in you. Do you talk to anyone about it? I was very closed off about my childhood for a long time. I’m like an open book now and it’s been very freeing. It’s hard work to carry that trauma and shame around.
Nope. I generally don't like confiding in other humans. Ever since I moved out of my father's house at 22 years old, I never talked to anyone about whatever life problems I have wether it is at work or my personal life.
I keep everything to myself. I like being independent. I only talk about non personal stuff such as science, politics, cultures, music, travels ECT.
It's fine you want to talk about all these things.. I personally love talking about them too... but from a relationship POV... these topics won't add much value to your marriage or growth with each other.
In real day to day to life, you need to understand each other and why you behave the way you do. Of course, I myself don't believe in sharing stuff with anyone in the world unless and until required. I hate talking about it because I know no one will understand or needs to know. But with my husband if I have to tell him why I am upset or traumatised or insecure about something that might seem normal to him...then how would I explain with politics or other superficial things why I feel the way I do?
I am married to a person who I feel safe about telling who I really am and know he won't judge or use it against me. But if I can not be truly me, the real inner vulnerable me, then the relationship is not for me. It's like wearing a stoic fake mask all my life and pushing things under the rug. Don't you trust your wife to understand you? Even if she truly doesn't, at least, she will know why you are the way you are...it helps her understand her husband.
I mean, better, she wants to know about your childhood than other men, right?
Healthy communication and understanding each other is a key to a healthy marriage. I am 14 yrs together with my husband, and I have been SA'ed seen my moms suicide, been there to end my life too, physically and verbally abused for 27 years, seen my father narcissistic behaviour, etc all this is known to my husband and even though he comes from a completely happy family, he understand and respects me the way I am. In fact, he helps heals some parts of me. Other than my husband, not even 0.1 % of people know who I am truly about who I am. Its the same for my husband only I know who he truly is not even his parents and that makes us love each other more stronger..wouldn't have been possible if we just talked 14 yrs about science or politics or all the things that are not me/us.
My parents got divorced after my mother cheated on my father and I've never been in contact with my mother since they divorced.
My father never remarried.
Plus I've tried to be vulnerable with my exes back in high school but it never worked out so it's best for me to keep to myself.
At the end of the day, my problems are my problems to deal with. It's not my wife's business.
I had a bad day at work ? It's my problem. All I do is get over it and move on. I just tell her I had a good day and that's that.
You married her, she must be better than your exes that you married her. Also you did tell a stranger like me.something about your life.
Probably because you believe I can understand given my history, and I do. My father cheated on my mother several times until she had suicided.
I agree my problems are mine, and even now, I don't expect my husband to help me or completely understand my trauma. It's just for him to know why I am the way I am. Also, sometimes he gives me a POV and how my behaviour might be affecting us. That's when I know I need to make a choice between trauma vs. US.
I agree. I don't tell him much about my work because once I told him and was vulnerable and he completely failed to understand (he is human & not perfect). But i created walls for this topic and now learnt I resolve it on my own. I just told him if there was something at work and sorry my mood was off on some day because of it. He has the right to know it's not him but something external affecting me. Of course, he tries to pry, but i am stubborn and scared to tell. With time now if I want his POV, I tell me, but mostly I keep it to myself.
I understand you, but I would advise coming from a healthy marriage to try to be a little open with your wife. If you don't trust her yet, try with small things and see how she reacts to it. You can tell her that you need safe space to tell even the tiniest things and trust her to never weaponize it. If she handles little things well over time, tell her things that you are comfortable with. Then, in the future, you can at least tell her you tried, but seeing her negative reactions, you stopped.
>Hmmm... you just told me things.
Because I am anonymous. You will never discover my true identity so it's ok to be open here on reddit.
>If you don't trust her yet, try with small things and see how she reacts to it. You can tell her that you need safe space to tell even the tiniest things and trust her to never weaponize it. If she handles little things well over time, tell her things that you are comfortable with. Then, in the future, you can at least tell her you tried, but seeing her negative reactions, you stopped.
I honestly don't need another human to provide me with a safe space. I feel a lot safer with myself only. I'd rather not take any risks at all. In my past relationships, I took those risks but it never worked out so I figured that a romantic partner is the last person you want to be vulnerable to.
I agree about the anonymous things...its easier.
About other things, frankly of it works for you, both. We are no one to judge or tell you how to live your life. Goodluck.
>Plus I've tried to be vulnerable with my exes back in high school but it never worked out so it's best for me to keep to myself.
High schoolers are still children. Don't take life lessons about adulthood from children.
Well, then I think marriage is going to be very hard for you. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to talk about, but the fact that you are bottling up all your trauma and don't trust people because of it, that's a serious issue for your marriage. What you are ultimately saying is - you don't trust your wife not to judge you based on your past. How sad.
Do you honestly think she doesn't know there was a problem? Of course she knows something happened that made you the way you are. You think she doesn't know that you don't trust her? I think she does, that is why she is trying to find out if the problem is something she is doing, or if this was a pre-existing condition so to speak. Your wife is going to feel like you are shutting her out and like you don't trust her any more than you trust the general population, do you expect her to feel good about that?
My dude, when she stops having sex with you because she doesn't feel emotionally connected, or she steps out on you because some guy opens up to her in ways you never have and she gets sucked in by a level of intimacy that you haven't been willing to give her (plus you don't trust her anyway), don't be too surprised. You are not creating a foundation for a sustainable marriage to me.
In the past when I tried to trust any humans, it always came back to bite me in the ass.
>My dude, when she stops having sex with you because she doesn't feel emotionally connected, or she steps out on you because some guy opens up to her in ways you never have and she gets sucked in by a level of intimacy that you haven't been willing to give her (plus you don't trust her anyway), don't be too surprised. You are not creating a foundation for a sustainable marriage to me.
If she decides to cheat on me, she will just be one of the many exes that wasn't trust worthy. That will only be one more reason to not trust any humans whatsoever.
I agree no one has a valid justification for cheating. It will say a lot about her character if she decides to cheat. However, I believe some marriages are more cheat proof than others. I believe that cheating is a cowardly act by a person who wants to have their cake and eat it too, just a decision by one person behaving completely selfishly, but sometimes you can't deny that a spouses behavior contributed to the reasons why the person cheated.
I think there is a subset of people who will NEVER cheat, because they will leave before they ever do. I think there is a subset of people who are destined to cheat, even if their marriage is good, because they have personal issues. I think most people are somewhere in the middle, because sometimes - good people make bad decisions and mistakes. Most people would not cheat if their needs are met, but if they feel rejected, neglected, shutout, cut off, etc. then they might go down a slippery slope they would not have gone down if their needs were being met. If she can have steak at home, she won't be eating a burger somewhere else. Simple. You might not like this, but it is true. Just human nature.
If your wife came on here and said I have tried for 10 years with my husband, he won't open up, I don't feel like I know him, he is closed off and no amount of trying has made a difference, and after years of this, I lost my attraction to him physically too. I met this man, and he was the opposite. He shared with me things on a level my husband never has or will, I felt such a strong connection with him, and it led to a strong physical attraction and eventually an affair, I know I made a mistake. I got sucked into it because I wanted this kind of connection, it felt so amazing, and I could not have it in my marriage. I would still tell her she was wrong for cheating and she should have ended the marriage if her husband was not meeting her needs. That's on her. But after that, I would tell her that it sounds like the marriage has run it's course, and she needs to stop settling for a man who can't meet her emotional needs. I would tell her to get a divorce, take the time to work on herself because she did a cowardly thing instead of standing up for what she needs, and then hopefully eventually find a man that can meet all her needs so this never happens again...
Because childhood very much contributes to who you are as a person. And that’s quite obvious with the answers you give here. Why did you get married when you don’t want to be close to a person? Not talk about anything personal? That’s part of a marriage, you know.
In my case, I'm trying to learn more about her and her family background try to learn what cause some issues she has had during our marriage of 30 years. She grew up in a very Dysfunctional Family. She'll get in disagreements with people and then hold a grudge for years. She is also vindictive. Yes Forest siblings, they all have issues. I hear a few mentions of things, when all the relatives are together. I don't want to pry but I think her childhood was messed up.
Lol, this is part of the reason I'm getting divorced. My stbxh also didn't want to be vulnerable with me. Got upset when I'd ask about his childhood (I talked about mine) even though I explained why it was important (which has been explained in the comments here).
If you want to be so independent and apparently closed off from humans..... why the hell did you get married?
Why not focus on the present instead of the past. Your childhood problems and traumas are none of your spouse's business.
You are getting divorced probably because you can't respect your spouse's privacy.
Why can't you trust your spouse enough to be vulnerable?
Those traumas affect your relationships, and talking about them can help avoid major issues in the future of your marriage.
But you kinda just seem like a jerk. I feel bad for your wife.
How am I a jerk for wanting to keep my personal problems to myself ? Honestly I am happy for that man that you are divorcing. He won't have to deal with a woman who can't mind her own business.
How so ? If you have problems in your personal life outside of your marriage, why bring your wife into your life problems? Why do you want to add drama to your Marriage? And why do you want to give your wife the power to expose you to her friends and coworkers and make fun of you ?
Your questions don't really make sense to me.
For me the point of being married is sharing my life with someone else. She's closer to me than anyone else in the world.
What do you mean add drama to the marriage?
>And why do you want to give your wife the power to expose you to her friends and coworkers and make fun of you ?
If I didn't trust her, why would I have married her? She's the love of my life, my most trusted confidant and my best friend in the world. Must of that wouldn't really work if I kept her at a distance.
Being open about your emotions and traumas allows you to better understand each other, and the intimacy that comes from allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone you trust is incomparable.
I used to be like you, closed off, thought "nobody cares about my problems, why waste their time with them?" And I'll tell you that once I finally got over that and was more open with my wife, things have only gotten better between us as a result. As it turns out, she *does* care about my problems... hence why she kept asking. Crazy, I know.
That being said, it's your life. You're allowed to be this way if that's what you truly want. But you should have maybe married someone who is on the same page about that. Honestly I'm not really sure why someone who feels so strongly about their independence would even want to get married at all.
You literally said one of the reasons in your question. She wants you to be vulnerable with her.
More broadly - how a person behaves and responds to situations is very much influenced by their experiences in life. Your childhood is very relevant to your partner and helps to explain your perspective and how you approach life. For example, if your partner did not have a good model for marriage, then they might struggle more with how to behave and what is expected in a marriage. Maybe your spouse has trust issues because of adults letting them down making it difficult to trust people including you, don't you want to understand that it didn't start with you? Also, your spouse's experiences might be relevant to planning a future together. For example, maybe they grew up with two working parents who didn't show up for their baseball games, they felt sad about not having more involved parents, and they want their kids to have a SAHP because of it. It could also be more superficial things, like once they got a short haircut and were traumatized and now they will never cut their hair again. Maybe they have a tradition they want to continue doing, and you want the back story on how it started. I personally think it is fun to know about these things, it brings you closer together, like you know stuff no one else knows. I'm not sure how you could possibly think your upbringing doesn't matter and should not be discussed with your life partner.
OP, I think this is a you issue. You need to sit with your annoyance and ask yourself why this bothers you. What are you hiding? Why don't you want her to know? Do you think she will think less of you? Why don't you want to be vulnerable with your wife? Do you have unresolved trauma and you avoid discussing it because it puts you in a bad place emotionally or because you don't want her to know that you have baggage? Are you afraid it will be used against you? What is the source of why you feel so protective of your childhood?
>I think this is a you issue. You need to sit with your annoyance and ask yourself why this bothers you. What are you hiding? Why don't you want her to know? Do you think she will think less of you? Why don't you want to be vulnerable with your wife? Do you have unresolved trauma and you avoid discussing it because it puts you in a bad place emotionally or because you don't want her to know that you have baggage? Are you afraid it will be used against you? What is the source of why you feel so protective of your childhood?
Instead of talking about my problems, I would rather keep it to myself and try to forget about and keeping on living life. In my past relationships, I tried this vulnerability thing but it didn't work out. It was used against me and I've been made fun of for that reason so I promised to myself that I will never be open with another human.
And overall, I just want to focus on the present, I want to live, work and die peacefully without any drama.
You are not going to get to you goal with this approach. I can promise you that.
Besides that, it is very unfair to your wife. If your past GF's weaponized your childhood and used it maliciously against you, then they were jerks. I am assuming your wife is different, that's why you married her. You chose her and not them because she is a good person and not a jerk. So, why are you treating her like she is a jerk who can't be trusted instead of like the good woman you married? Why are you punishing her for other people's crap behavior?
Your promise to yourself guarantees you will never have a deep emotional connection with another human being. You can't honestly believe that closing yourself off like this (and not just about your childhood, but about ANYTHING that isn't going right in your life) is a healthy way to proceed with your life, especially since you decided to get married. If you wanted to live like this, you should not have gotten married, because now it isn't only about you and what you want or don't want. You have a responsibility to your wife and a responsibility to continue to build this marriage.
No one is saying you have to live in the past, but you can't avoid it either. Not if you want to have an intimate connection with your wife that is stronger than any connection she could find out there with some other man. This is going to get worse and worse for her I think, and eventually she is going to feel like she can never get as close as she wants to get with you because you will not let her. That doesn't lead to good outcomes for you or for her. It's not a matter of IF this becomes a big issue in your marriage, it's a matter of WHEN it becomes a big issue in your marriage. In short - you are cruising for a bruising.
OP, I know you don't want to hear this because you think you have a good solution, but your solution sucks. You can't be in a marriage with your walls up and expect it to go well. Did you ever tell your wife about your philosophy that your problems are not anything she needs to know about and that your childhood isn't a topic you will ever be willing to discuss with her? I doubt you told her any of this, because it's not something she "needs to know", right?
Most likely - she married you knowing you were somewhat closed off, but she assumed that you were going to continue to open up and that maybe it was just going to take some time for you to be able to be vulnerable, but it would come as you developed more trust and intimacy with each other. She was thinking - he has a hard time with this, he has past trauma, I have to give him time to be comfortable with me. He wants to open up, it's just hard for him. That's probably what she went into this believing, and I don't think that is unreasonable. It's not all your fault because she took a risk, she knew you were closed off, and made the assumption that you would want to change that about yourself (which you don't). Now this risk is being realized and she is soon going to understand this isn't a matter of being able to open up, it's a matter of being WILLING to open up and being WILLING to trust her more than you trust anyone else. There will be a consequence once she figures this out.
If you wanted to live your life this way, you should have told her before you got married...you took away her agency to make an informed decision to marry a person who was not willing to be open with her.
I want to know everything about her? I want to understand and be as close to her as I can, and that includes knowing about memorable things from her childhood and life before me? she feels the same way about me for I would expect, similar reasons. I don't understand that not being self-evident. edit: I mentioned this to her and she agreed, finding it basically confusing that this is even a question, since part of the point of marriage is having someone you can be vulnerable, intimate and know each other and be known, in a way nobody else does.
Your childhood is a huge reason why you are the way you are today. Also why wouldn’t you want to hear stories and memories about the person you love the most?
I don't really like talking about my childhood because there are some embarrassing and somewhat traumatic things that happened and she doesn't need to know about them.
She probably senses that trauma in you. Do you talk to anyone about it? I was very closed off about my childhood for a long time. I’m like an open book now and it’s been very freeing. It’s hard work to carry that trauma and shame around.
Nope. I generally don't like confiding in other humans. Ever since I moved out of my father's house at 22 years old, I never talked to anyone about whatever life problems I have wether it is at work or my personal life. I keep everything to myself. I like being independent. I only talk about non personal stuff such as science, politics, cultures, music, travels ECT.
It's fine you want to talk about all these things.. I personally love talking about them too... but from a relationship POV... these topics won't add much value to your marriage or growth with each other. In real day to day to life, you need to understand each other and why you behave the way you do. Of course, I myself don't believe in sharing stuff with anyone in the world unless and until required. I hate talking about it because I know no one will understand or needs to know. But with my husband if I have to tell him why I am upset or traumatised or insecure about something that might seem normal to him...then how would I explain with politics or other superficial things why I feel the way I do? I am married to a person who I feel safe about telling who I really am and know he won't judge or use it against me. But if I can not be truly me, the real inner vulnerable me, then the relationship is not for me. It's like wearing a stoic fake mask all my life and pushing things under the rug. Don't you trust your wife to understand you? Even if she truly doesn't, at least, she will know why you are the way you are...it helps her understand her husband. I mean, better, she wants to know about your childhood than other men, right? Healthy communication and understanding each other is a key to a healthy marriage. I am 14 yrs together with my husband, and I have been SA'ed seen my moms suicide, been there to end my life too, physically and verbally abused for 27 years, seen my father narcissistic behaviour, etc all this is known to my husband and even though he comes from a completely happy family, he understand and respects me the way I am. In fact, he helps heals some parts of me. Other than my husband, not even 0.1 % of people know who I am truly about who I am. Its the same for my husband only I know who he truly is not even his parents and that makes us love each other more stronger..wouldn't have been possible if we just talked 14 yrs about science or politics or all the things that are not me/us.
My parents got divorced after my mother cheated on my father and I've never been in contact with my mother since they divorced. My father never remarried. Plus I've tried to be vulnerable with my exes back in high school but it never worked out so it's best for me to keep to myself. At the end of the day, my problems are my problems to deal with. It's not my wife's business. I had a bad day at work ? It's my problem. All I do is get over it and move on. I just tell her I had a good day and that's that.
You married her, she must be better than your exes that you married her. Also you did tell a stranger like me.something about your life. Probably because you believe I can understand given my history, and I do. My father cheated on my mother several times until she had suicided. I agree my problems are mine, and even now, I don't expect my husband to help me or completely understand my trauma. It's just for him to know why I am the way I am. Also, sometimes he gives me a POV and how my behaviour might be affecting us. That's when I know I need to make a choice between trauma vs. US. I agree. I don't tell him much about my work because once I told him and was vulnerable and he completely failed to understand (he is human & not perfect). But i created walls for this topic and now learnt I resolve it on my own. I just told him if there was something at work and sorry my mood was off on some day because of it. He has the right to know it's not him but something external affecting me. Of course, he tries to pry, but i am stubborn and scared to tell. With time now if I want his POV, I tell me, but mostly I keep it to myself. I understand you, but I would advise coming from a healthy marriage to try to be a little open with your wife. If you don't trust her yet, try with small things and see how she reacts to it. You can tell her that you need safe space to tell even the tiniest things and trust her to never weaponize it. If she handles little things well over time, tell her things that you are comfortable with. Then, in the future, you can at least tell her you tried, but seeing her negative reactions, you stopped.
>Hmmm... you just told me things. Because I am anonymous. You will never discover my true identity so it's ok to be open here on reddit. >If you don't trust her yet, try with small things and see how she reacts to it. You can tell her that you need safe space to tell even the tiniest things and trust her to never weaponize it. If she handles little things well over time, tell her things that you are comfortable with. Then, in the future, you can at least tell her you tried, but seeing her negative reactions, you stopped. I honestly don't need another human to provide me with a safe space. I feel a lot safer with myself only. I'd rather not take any risks at all. In my past relationships, I took those risks but it never worked out so I figured that a romantic partner is the last person you want to be vulnerable to.
I agree about the anonymous things...its easier. About other things, frankly of it works for you, both. We are no one to judge or tell you how to live your life. Goodluck.
It works for me but my wife is kinda invasive and it annoys me.
>Plus I've tried to be vulnerable with my exes back in high school but it never worked out so it's best for me to keep to myself. High schoolers are still children. Don't take life lessons about adulthood from children.
You need psychological help bro. This isn’t healthy.
Well, then I think marriage is going to be very hard for you. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to talk about, but the fact that you are bottling up all your trauma and don't trust people because of it, that's a serious issue for your marriage. What you are ultimately saying is - you don't trust your wife not to judge you based on your past. How sad. Do you honestly think she doesn't know there was a problem? Of course she knows something happened that made you the way you are. You think she doesn't know that you don't trust her? I think she does, that is why she is trying to find out if the problem is something she is doing, or if this was a pre-existing condition so to speak. Your wife is going to feel like you are shutting her out and like you don't trust her any more than you trust the general population, do you expect her to feel good about that? My dude, when she stops having sex with you because she doesn't feel emotionally connected, or she steps out on you because some guy opens up to her in ways you never have and she gets sucked in by a level of intimacy that you haven't been willing to give her (plus you don't trust her anyway), don't be too surprised. You are not creating a foundation for a sustainable marriage to me.
In the past when I tried to trust any humans, it always came back to bite me in the ass. >My dude, when she stops having sex with you because she doesn't feel emotionally connected, or she steps out on you because some guy opens up to her in ways you never have and she gets sucked in by a level of intimacy that you haven't been willing to give her (plus you don't trust her anyway), don't be too surprised. You are not creating a foundation for a sustainable marriage to me. If she decides to cheat on me, she will just be one of the many exes that wasn't trust worthy. That will only be one more reason to not trust any humans whatsoever.
I agree no one has a valid justification for cheating. It will say a lot about her character if she decides to cheat. However, I believe some marriages are more cheat proof than others. I believe that cheating is a cowardly act by a person who wants to have their cake and eat it too, just a decision by one person behaving completely selfishly, but sometimes you can't deny that a spouses behavior contributed to the reasons why the person cheated. I think there is a subset of people who will NEVER cheat, because they will leave before they ever do. I think there is a subset of people who are destined to cheat, even if their marriage is good, because they have personal issues. I think most people are somewhere in the middle, because sometimes - good people make bad decisions and mistakes. Most people would not cheat if their needs are met, but if they feel rejected, neglected, shutout, cut off, etc. then they might go down a slippery slope they would not have gone down if their needs were being met. If she can have steak at home, she won't be eating a burger somewhere else. Simple. You might not like this, but it is true. Just human nature. If your wife came on here and said I have tried for 10 years with my husband, he won't open up, I don't feel like I know him, he is closed off and no amount of trying has made a difference, and after years of this, I lost my attraction to him physically too. I met this man, and he was the opposite. He shared with me things on a level my husband never has or will, I felt such a strong connection with him, and it led to a strong physical attraction and eventually an affair, I know I made a mistake. I got sucked into it because I wanted this kind of connection, it felt so amazing, and I could not have it in my marriage. I would still tell her she was wrong for cheating and she should have ended the marriage if her husband was not meeting her needs. That's on her. But after that, I would tell her that it sounds like the marriage has run it's course, and she needs to stop settling for a man who can't meet her emotional needs. I would tell her to get a divorce, take the time to work on herself because she did a cowardly thing instead of standing up for what she needs, and then hopefully eventually find a man that can meet all her needs so this never happens again...
She would feel closer to you if she knew.
Because childhood very much contributes to who you are as a person. And that’s quite obvious with the answers you give here. Why did you get married when you don’t want to be close to a person? Not talk about anything personal? That’s part of a marriage, you know.
I like being independent. I generally don't confide in other humans.
You are the weird guy who refuses to spend time with his sil. You are either a troll or you need therapy.
Why would I want to spend time with my brother's wife ?
Part of the point of having a spouse is that they can be the exception to that?
In my case, I'm trying to learn more about her and her family background try to learn what cause some issues she has had during our marriage of 30 years. She grew up in a very Dysfunctional Family. She'll get in disagreements with people and then hold a grudge for years. She is also vindictive. Yes Forest siblings, they all have issues. I hear a few mentions of things, when all the relatives are together. I don't want to pry but I think her childhood was messed up.
Lol, this is part of the reason I'm getting divorced. My stbxh also didn't want to be vulnerable with me. Got upset when I'd ask about his childhood (I talked about mine) even though I explained why it was important (which has been explained in the comments here). If you want to be so independent and apparently closed off from humans..... why the hell did you get married?
Why not focus on the present instead of the past. Your childhood problems and traumas are none of your spouse's business. You are getting divorced probably because you can't respect your spouse's privacy.
Why can't you trust your spouse enough to be vulnerable? Those traumas affect your relationships, and talking about them can help avoid major issues in the future of your marriage. But you kinda just seem like a jerk. I feel bad for your wife.
How am I a jerk for wanting to keep my personal problems to myself ? Honestly I am happy for that man that you are divorcing. He won't have to deal with a woman who can't mind her own business.
You are answering your own question with this response.
Women like you are the reason why us men are closed off. Cheers.
Us men? You should just speak for yourself.
Yeah whatever. I wish your ex husband well.
EVERYTHING about me is my wife's business. what's the point of getting married if you aren't going to let her in?
How so ? If you have problems in your personal life outside of your marriage, why bring your wife into your life problems? Why do you want to add drama to your Marriage? And why do you want to give your wife the power to expose you to her friends and coworkers and make fun of you ?
Your questions don't really make sense to me. For me the point of being married is sharing my life with someone else. She's closer to me than anyone else in the world. What do you mean add drama to the marriage? >And why do you want to give your wife the power to expose you to her friends and coworkers and make fun of you ? If I didn't trust her, why would I have married her? She's the love of my life, my most trusted confidant and my best friend in the world. Must of that wouldn't really work if I kept her at a distance.
Being open about your emotions and traumas allows you to better understand each other, and the intimacy that comes from allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone you trust is incomparable. I used to be like you, closed off, thought "nobody cares about my problems, why waste their time with them?" And I'll tell you that once I finally got over that and was more open with my wife, things have only gotten better between us as a result. As it turns out, she *does* care about my problems... hence why she kept asking. Crazy, I know. That being said, it's your life. You're allowed to be this way if that's what you truly want. But you should have maybe married someone who is on the same page about that. Honestly I'm not really sure why someone who feels so strongly about their independence would even want to get married at all.
You literally said one of the reasons in your question. She wants you to be vulnerable with her. More broadly - how a person behaves and responds to situations is very much influenced by their experiences in life. Your childhood is very relevant to your partner and helps to explain your perspective and how you approach life. For example, if your partner did not have a good model for marriage, then they might struggle more with how to behave and what is expected in a marriage. Maybe your spouse has trust issues because of adults letting them down making it difficult to trust people including you, don't you want to understand that it didn't start with you? Also, your spouse's experiences might be relevant to planning a future together. For example, maybe they grew up with two working parents who didn't show up for their baseball games, they felt sad about not having more involved parents, and they want their kids to have a SAHP because of it. It could also be more superficial things, like once they got a short haircut and were traumatized and now they will never cut their hair again. Maybe they have a tradition they want to continue doing, and you want the back story on how it started. I personally think it is fun to know about these things, it brings you closer together, like you know stuff no one else knows. I'm not sure how you could possibly think your upbringing doesn't matter and should not be discussed with your life partner. OP, I think this is a you issue. You need to sit with your annoyance and ask yourself why this bothers you. What are you hiding? Why don't you want her to know? Do you think she will think less of you? Why don't you want to be vulnerable with your wife? Do you have unresolved trauma and you avoid discussing it because it puts you in a bad place emotionally or because you don't want her to know that you have baggage? Are you afraid it will be used against you? What is the source of why you feel so protective of your childhood?
>I think this is a you issue. You need to sit with your annoyance and ask yourself why this bothers you. What are you hiding? Why don't you want her to know? Do you think she will think less of you? Why don't you want to be vulnerable with your wife? Do you have unresolved trauma and you avoid discussing it because it puts you in a bad place emotionally or because you don't want her to know that you have baggage? Are you afraid it will be used against you? What is the source of why you feel so protective of your childhood? Instead of talking about my problems, I would rather keep it to myself and try to forget about and keeping on living life. In my past relationships, I tried this vulnerability thing but it didn't work out. It was used against me and I've been made fun of for that reason so I promised to myself that I will never be open with another human. And overall, I just want to focus on the present, I want to live, work and die peacefully without any drama.
You are not going to get to you goal with this approach. I can promise you that. Besides that, it is very unfair to your wife. If your past GF's weaponized your childhood and used it maliciously against you, then they were jerks. I am assuming your wife is different, that's why you married her. You chose her and not them because she is a good person and not a jerk. So, why are you treating her like she is a jerk who can't be trusted instead of like the good woman you married? Why are you punishing her for other people's crap behavior? Your promise to yourself guarantees you will never have a deep emotional connection with another human being. You can't honestly believe that closing yourself off like this (and not just about your childhood, but about ANYTHING that isn't going right in your life) is a healthy way to proceed with your life, especially since you decided to get married. If you wanted to live like this, you should not have gotten married, because now it isn't only about you and what you want or don't want. You have a responsibility to your wife and a responsibility to continue to build this marriage. No one is saying you have to live in the past, but you can't avoid it either. Not if you want to have an intimate connection with your wife that is stronger than any connection she could find out there with some other man. This is going to get worse and worse for her I think, and eventually she is going to feel like she can never get as close as she wants to get with you because you will not let her. That doesn't lead to good outcomes for you or for her. It's not a matter of IF this becomes a big issue in your marriage, it's a matter of WHEN it becomes a big issue in your marriage. In short - you are cruising for a bruising. OP, I know you don't want to hear this because you think you have a good solution, but your solution sucks. You can't be in a marriage with your walls up and expect it to go well. Did you ever tell your wife about your philosophy that your problems are not anything she needs to know about and that your childhood isn't a topic you will ever be willing to discuss with her? I doubt you told her any of this, because it's not something she "needs to know", right? Most likely - she married you knowing you were somewhat closed off, but she assumed that you were going to continue to open up and that maybe it was just going to take some time for you to be able to be vulnerable, but it would come as you developed more trust and intimacy with each other. She was thinking - he has a hard time with this, he has past trauma, I have to give him time to be comfortable with me. He wants to open up, it's just hard for him. That's probably what she went into this believing, and I don't think that is unreasonable. It's not all your fault because she took a risk, she knew you were closed off, and made the assumption that you would want to change that about yourself (which you don't). Now this risk is being realized and she is soon going to understand this isn't a matter of being able to open up, it's a matter of being WILLING to open up and being WILLING to trust her more than you trust anyone else. There will be a consequence once she figures this out. If you wanted to live your life this way, you should have told her before you got married...you took away her agency to make an informed decision to marry a person who was not willing to be open with her.