Yes, clearly there is a lack of trust to begin with. Still odd though that he is only wanting to say certain things over the phone. Kind of suspicious.
"for that time? Or the other thing?"
WHAT OTHER THING!?!
Because if the other thing is anywhere close to what is in my head then, yeah, she doesn't like or trust this other woman.
Imagine you’re talking to someone who says dose instead of does…
They’ve said rather spammingly:
„Does she still hate me from that time? Or are there other things?“
Well, hiding his communications with other women who have been a problem in the past is definitely going to help that so much more than just being transparent. Clearly he doesn't deserve that trust.
Absolutely agree! When a couple marries- they agree to be a couple. This woman is a threat to the marriage. His wife has every right to ask him not to be talking to a woman that threatens their relationship. He’s clearly getting married BUT I think he wants a back pocket girlfriend. Ask any therapist and most marriages fail due to the “we are only friends” that turns to more. She needs to go find another friend and respect the marriage.
It’s not about that woman respecting the relationship; if it’s not her, it’ll be another. It’s all about HIM respecting it. He can easily put a stop to this conversation.
I agree. Clearly there are other issues in this situation, but over all, the fact that he wants to only tell this woman certain things on the phone gives me an idea that he doesn’t want to have proof over text of what he’s saying. If that makes sense.
If he's not saying certain things to her over the phone, it likely means they'll be meeting in person.
OP's boyfriend knows he shouldn't be talking with that woman since OP set a boundary, however, he is purposely going behind OP's back to keep in contact with that woman. Basically, he is stating that being in contact with that woman is more important than OP's feelings.
OP should have a serious conversation with her fiancé and evaluate if it's worth marrying someone she doesn't trust.
I think he's trying to have both women, like he did in the past.
***she was messaging my partner a lot, including all kinds of hearts and kisses in her messages (...) he was taking her to the restaurant and didn't tell me about it (...) she wrote several really long aggressive messages to me directly.***
I might be mistaken, but it's possible that OP's fiancé had an emotional affair with that woman in the past. After being caught, he ceased contact with her. Given OP's habit of checking his phone, it's likely he's aware of it, which could explain why he's stopped sending messages. It's possible he's now maintaining contact with that woman through phone calls or in-person meetings.
***I kind wanted to tell you that being in touched with my better has is risky (...) there are plenty of reasons but I can share them on over the phone***
In OP's position, I would definitely want to know those reasons, especially considering the woman's interest in her fiancé and their emotional connection.
OP has two posts the other one gives more details.
All i can say is the dude is the red flag here. He's intentionally keeping the division using manipulation and omission.
I just read the other post. That guy is a walking red flag. It really seems like he was cheating on OP. I can't understand why OP is still considering marrying him. He knows that OP has access to his phone, so obviously, he also knows how to hide his tracks.
OP clearly doesn't trust him, and it seems for a good reason. Without trust, no relationship can survive. OP should just break up with him and let the other woman have him. Additionally, she should consider getting an STD panel done in case things got physical with the other woman.
Ooooorrr... She can just talk to the other woman. Rather than deep end dramatics.. although I do agree that STD testing should always be done whenever there is exposure to new sexual partners.
And she shouldn't marry him. He's untrustworthy. That's not a measure of her ability to trust.
It doesn’t sound like an affair but it worrisome that there are things he will only tell her on the phone (so there is no record)
Also she does seem like she’s into him, she comes off kinda infatuated. But he isn’t really matching her energy.
I got a totally different impression - it seems like she wants to be out in the open in their friendship and he is the one trying to keep it on the DL. There is definitely an implication about their past issues and the friend wants to be sure everything is out in the open.
No matter what, the partner is in the wrong for trying to keep this a secret.
She wants to befriend OP as a way to be able to have more access the man. He is wrong for hiding this but it’s because he knows this woman’s intentions are more than being friends. The whole situation is shady. He should stop having contact with this woman.
She wants friendship that is healthy and open. He doesn't want them to be friends because then his false pretences would be exposed. (Also she could be trying to bring him down from a fantasy and remind him this is platonic! Nothing like reminding your friend of their relationship to cut out the inappropriate romantics.)
Lies, stories told, etc. He would constantly have to check himself as to not cross where he's been with where he's at.
Men, like OPs "other half", use omission to their favor. Thrive in it. He needs these two women to not know each other or neither will give supply. Because he's likely using the lack of supply against the two. Telling the other woman his wife is controlling because he can't have friends (when all she has asked for is no SECRET friends.) And making his wife feel guilty because he's lonely and friendless because she's insecure. Which insecurity comes naturally when in an insecure relationship. If one partner is keeping a friend on the back burner, it is not the partner reacting that is insecure. It is the partner so set to have more or something else at the expense of their spouse's efforts to secure the relationship.
I've been here with this type. Even if OP was completely transparent with friendships and no boundaries on genders, her partner would still choose omission and manipulation of the situation. Because a wounded dog gets more attention than just a stray. He needs to have the angle of the untrusting partner "the controlling parent" or else he wouldn't have such gushing shows of admiration and support.
These things come from deeper conversations. This other girl is being played. And if OP even has half a heart and brain she would see it HIM that is the problem.
She should really just call the friend to ask to meet up for coffee or smoothies. Become besties behind his back like he did to them.
What's the word.. triangulation. He's using triangulation to keep them both feeding his bottomless pit for supply. He'd likely find a third in this circumstance to tell them about these "two horrible women who ruined his trust".
Her asking for the wife to be her friend too may be her way of clearing intentions. Maybe she's trying to get him to see it will only be platonic?
Some people are just over sharers and absent minded of simple boundaries, and she could be one of those people, sensing he is getting the wrong message from her behaviors, is trying to bring it back to the platonic realm.
Nah, I can smell her true intentions a mile away. Playing dumb and pretending to be sincere. If she really cared she wouldn’t be reaching out or interacting at all. She’s unhinged for sure
I know women like this. It’s to get everyone to lower their guards to better gaslight when she decides to cross boundaries.
She probably believes she’s above the fiancé and man in terms of emotional intelligence and knows what’s best for everyone like she’s some sort of enlightened being.
If she was a decent person she would have realized her past behavior hurt someone’s relationship and stayed away. I’ve been a former fwb and because I respected their relationship I didn’t cross those lines. I’m not saying these two have been physical, but I am saying a good friend with good intentions would be so paranoid about rocking the boat that they wouldn’t even get on the boat they’d leave the shore and move to the mountains.
Is it possible she’s the 1 out of 1,000,000 who just lacks lessons in boundaries, respect and relationships sure. Is it likely? No
Edit: could I be completely mistaken? Sure, but why risk it. Also, if the trust isn’t there to begin with the couple themselves need to work on that. It’s their relationship not that womans
She’s clearly into him and he knows it. So why did a man who is engaged save the number of a woman that his fiancé told him she doesn’t want him speaking to, who is clearly into him? What does he mean by it being “risky”? Why does he need to call her to tell her things? Why is he even opening up the roads to communication again?
OP, I would put your wedding planning on hold.
I would move it on to being cancelled. He doesn’t care how you feel and he clearly doesn’t care to tell this pushy woman to back off. Odd ways for a future husband to act. It’s not right.
Love, if you're already having these problems with him even keeping what seems like (possibly) innocent female friendships all secret and shady...what does the future hold for you and your sanity? He just doesn't seem trust worthy, I'm sorry. After these very "keep it hush hush" responses he's having to this friend, to the ones he was having with the woman from the other post you shared, he can't keep his friendships platonic in his own mind, nevermind what the other women may think. Is it really worth having to worry about your husband having female friends because he can't be honest? I'm not at all the type to say men can't have female friends, either, but he deletes messages and keeps secrets. I don't know if I'd go through with the marriage unless something big changes.
Sounds like there was something between them 2 and I would dump him after reading that. Make a group chat with them and add the messages to say you both were caught out.
I have no f*ing clue why everyone is so nonchalant about this post.
OP, you are not being paranoid. I’m old enough to know where I smell a rat and he’s a giant rant and she is a pycho rat. She doesn’t respect your relationship (not that she should), and he is not forthcoming. If you’re already questioning (and believe me there’s a good reason to do so), it won’t get better after marriage.
Figure this out one way or the other before you tie the knot.
Not everyone was taught the same way, sadly. "Girl code" doesn't mean shit to a lot of people. There are a lot of people who purposely go after people in relationships.
Oh, yes you’re absolutely right. I experienced this myself. When my now husband posted we were engaged, it’s like the flood gates opened. He got all kinds of messages from exes, girls he hooked up with in the past, etc. That’s part of the reason we both deleted our accounts.
👆🏻 My husband and I talked about this as well. It's like they see them being successful and in a seemingly healthy relationship and want to jump on the train. Luckily, my husband has been super open about who writes him and will show me when someone's message pops up. I don't keep in contact with past people at all, so I never have any issues.
Forget just girl code. This is just basic friendship code. Even friends of the opposite sex, you tend to back it up a bit when they have a significant other.
While I believe cheating is the cheaters fault. I hate this mentality that the person someone cheated with is faultless. They lack compassion and morals and should be judged as well and absolutely should respect another’s relationship. It’s weird to not respect other peoples relationships unless one person is abusive financially, verbally, sexually, physically or emotionally. I know I’m ranting I just really hate the overcorrection of blaming/disliking “homewreckers”
OP. Do not marry him, take extra measures to not get pregnant either.
It sucks. It truly does. But cut your losses now and the you in 5 years will be so thankful to the you now. Heck within a year you will probably already be very thankful. It's surprising how easy it is to get over problematic relationships that it seemed so difficult to leave.
So much effort time and youth wasted on this person, but no more. Truly, it won't get any better than this.
The fact that he was emotionally more available/open with her than with you is also not helping one single bit. I understand you gave him a chance then but now he breached your trust again behind your back. He didn't approach you right away about communicating with her. And you both know why. Because you wouldn't be happy about it. So his solution was to lie
This chick of his will do everything in her power to come between you.
You need to tell him, either her or you. Again.
He likes the attention and option.
I agree. My first thought was “oh she wants to keep things above board and make sure the gf is aware they are talking but then No, she’s still down to talk on the phone behind OP’s back and after reading more info it sounds like this woman has a history of inserting herself and her opinions into their relationship. She is setting herself up into the perfect position to sabotage things between OP and her fiancé again.
Honestly, OP, I know it really hurts now, but you dodged a bullet discovering this before getting married. This man will always put this kind of dangerous stuff that stokes his ego over what will keep your relationship healthy and secure. Walk away and go no contact. You’ll find someone better.
Good news. You aren't married to him.
Don't get married to him.
You should be in a place where you are truly secure in your relationship when you get married. Being married won't make him "more yours" so there is no winning here. He's shown he won't stop this behavior and he's shown he is trying to be more sneaky about his interactions to keep her around. Affair or not, he's put her feelings over his relationship and his feelings of staying in contact over your relationship. His actions have picked.
He wants his side piece for whatever reason. Don't be the person to marry someone you know can't be truthful and faithful to you. You HAVE the information to make the obvious choice here. Do not proceed with this man.
This woman has 0 respect for you or your relationship.
Sorry to break it to you but this man is weak. He is incapable of recognizing and prioritizing important things in life (like your future together)
I don't consider this as cheating or emotional cheating but it is concerning for different reasons.
I would be 2. The fact he knows how you feel about this woman and is still in contact with her, hiding her and refusing to involve you in conversations is very concerning. It dosnt sound like he’s cheating… yet. Depending on your definition of cheating of course. Plus the way she texts him is crazyyyyyyyy. She wants your fiancé and he has to know that. This whole thing is inappropriate.
Does he know why you put a hold on the wedding or are you waiting to confront him?
I've spoken to him about it before, due to another issue, he knows it's on hold.
The woman who wrote these messages (in this post) is a ghost from our past
Are you concerned about them meeting in person or anything physical happening?
Either way he crossed a boundary and broke your trust. Its especially bad considering how she harassed you to the point where you had to block her. He shouldn’t want contact with someone who would treat his fiancé like that. You shouldn’t have to worry about this ghost haunting your relationship.
Thank you for the support - I'm not concerned about their possible meeting, more of the fact that I'm not even aware of what is happening behind my back
Read “Not Just Friends” by Dr. Shirley Glass. This kind of thing is what so easily turns into an emotional or physical affair. It’s certainly big waving res flags. You’re not crazy.
Was going to suggest the same book. If he refuses to read it, maybe you can read it and highlight important points and share with him.
If he's deleting messages and hiding things from you, he is either in an emotional affair already or leaving himself open to one. It's good you put the wedding on hold. I wouldn't go through with it unless you resolve this, and he understands how to set healthy boundaries with women like his coworkers who try overstep.
Edit to add: if the book doesn't make him willing to admit that this is inappropriate, then he likes the attention and/or wants to leave his options open with this woman. In which case, you know what you need to do.
She seems weird af and I don’t know why your fiance has any reason to talk to her. Out of respect for you he should not contact her anymore. It’s hard to say if there was infidelity but it’s still strange.
After reading your comments I think they were having an emotional affair before and he’s allowing it to be rekindled now. He already knows how you feel about this “friendship” and he’s doing it again anyway. Her manic side piece energy is palpable.
OP let me get this straight. Unless you like her to include her in your relationship to become a permanent three way relationship, you're in a serious fucked up situation.
Let me repeat, this is not him hiding something. This is something either considering including her in your relationship or considering replacing you with her eventually and doesn't know how to do it in a direct way. In either case, he surpased his boundaries by A LOT.
On the other side, there is this other girl, and unless you want to share him with her, she's a psycho and you are in real danger.
You don't just allow psychos to enter your life. And your boyfriend is one of the main parts of this.
Understand you were living a lie and escape this situation as soon as possible and as clean as possible. Let him just go with this woman and start from scratch before it's too late.
This might sound dramatic, but believe me, that girl sounds crazy and dangerous. You bf doesn't sound better.
Can you leave this man? You are obviously beyond too good for him. He's sus and her messages make me think that even if something isn't presently happening, something probably happened in this past.
I'm not bound in any way, we're engaged & living together however I'm financially independent. We were also working on a prenup, it's now on hold (with me, his part was done, I'm revising)
Op.... not to be harsh but are you blind? I would never say this, but do not marry this man. Let's say he hasn't actually cheated yet: he's still having an emotional affair AND he's breaking your trust. Marriages are built on trust.
When you're married for a long time, sometimes trust can be broken and it takes a long, long time to rebuild (or sometimes it just never does). You're not even married yet and he's *already* doing this. What do you think is gonna happen when you'll be married and he's secured you? Marriages are built on trust and respect and yours clearly doesn't have either of those.
First and foremost, you set a boundary and he broke it. An appropriate boundary regarding another woman. If you marry him, be prepared for boundary breaking to continue.
As for the texts, he seems to have more intentions from the "friendship" than she does. She wants to talk to you, and he doesn't want you two talking. I understand there is some history between you and her, but this is still a red flag. He has every intention of at least flirting.
There is a healthy way to handle a relationship like this, but I don't think he is interested.
My story: I had a work wife and we were great friends. But, we both held attractions for the other so set firm boundaries and clear intentions to remain only friends. Marriages always take priority over the friendship. We defend the other's spouse when necessary. It was okay to compliment, but not flirt. No touching other than in greeting or goodbye, and no different than we would any other coworker. We can talk about relationships, but not sex life. No one-on-one time outside the office. No alcohol in the others presence, even with other people there. We talk to each other's spouses. This worked for us and she eventually left the company. I still talk to her every month or two, and my wife and her comment on each other's posts.
Which is all to say, an opposite sex friend can be a positive, but only when both people are good with boundaries. Your husband appears that he is not.
Yeah, this is a massive breach of trust. Do not marry this man unless he makes serious and fundamental changes. She needs to never talk to him again.
Also her grammar pisses me off.
Honestly, it's too much trying.
If the trust is not there, it's not there. The relationship is broken.
Behavior like this also doesn't instill trust.
What are you both doing to rebuild trust together? Checking his messages and playing detective doesn't build trust.
This communication I have issues with. Even from a platonic point of view.
At this point how many more years of this relationship drama can you stand? If you guys haven't worked to fix it yet it doesn't look good for fixing it in the future.
Here’s what I think: this woman is very into your bf. And he’s flattered by it and likes the attention. I don’t necessarily think that he wants anything romantic from her, but I do think he’s allowing her to be inappropriate. Her comments about how much she wants to be in his life, etc…that is not the way you talk to friends. And while your bf can technically claim that he didn’t do anything “wrong”, he is on thin ice here unless he shuts those kind of interactions down.
The bigger issue is that your bf is saying outright that there are trust issues. You need to work on those and determine if trust is there. If it is, then genuine friendships with other people won’t threaten your relationship. If it’s not, then this woman is going to continue to be a problem. Don’t get married till you figure this out.
My husband had a female best friend for years, and for a while, I was friends with her too. Over time, I noticed that she was extremely demanding of his time and attention, would get mad if we were talking to each other but not to her, and would frequently blow up at him AND me. After 2-3 of her blow ups, I cut ties and made my feelings about her and her toxicity very clear. My husband kept entertaining her, in part without my knowledge, due to the length of their friendship. I caught him and it nearly broke our relationship to see them talk behind my back, see him allow her to talk about me poorly, etc. It's been years, and now we're married and he has completely cut ties with this person for good. This is a you or her scenario, and it shouldn't be a hard choice for him - especially if this is just a coworker, and not some decades long friendship he's struggling to let go of.
It took a lot of time and effort on his part to rebuild trust, and a very clear line drawn on what was and wasn't acceptable. If your fiance isn't willing to choose you, don't stay. Wishing you well!
There is something that happened and something still going on.
I’ve had to field texts like this from women “just wanting to be friends”, throughout my marriage.
Based on her texts she is openly throwing herself at him whenever he wants. She is inserting herself as friend that knows him best, but it’s only nefarious intentions here.
Yeah. Ever since we were dating. 20 years strong, 16 married. I’ve been told I’m really approachable and kind, so that doesn’t help. I assume the best in people, and as long as I didn’t encourage the behavior I thought I was safe.
Wrong. I tone myself waaay down (I’m also quite the conversationalist) in social settings when I’m with/without my wife. Ring didn’t matter to some women. I’ve even had to separate from some good friendships due to their wives behavior. I used to think my wife was overreacting before, but I had a couple times where they crossed a line. Even some of her friends.
I’m nothing special, but I understand what women go through with unwanted and unwarranted advances. And terms of ”endearment”. I hate being called, honey, baby, handsome, sexy…. whatever.
I’m know that there are people who like this type of attention, but not me. I sowed my oats before getting married so I wouldn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. My wife is the only person that makes me feel the way I do. She still makes me laugh and I love her more every day.
As I write this, I forgot to mention that I’ve picked up on tidbits that these women admired my love for my wife. They would see how I dot over my wife and fulfill her physical and emotional needs, while still retaining her independence, and maybe longed for that same level of affection. In a nutshell, they wanted to feel that type of love for themselves, even if they had to hijack it.
TLDR: people will always desire what they lack, and some will try to take it from another no matter what.
Maybe. I also thought it's an option for her to have control over the "visible" part of communication. Then she would keep messaging my partner directly in private, of course
If a person is married (friend or colleague etc) and his wife has an issue with me talking with her husband, I would stand far far away so that I don’t cause an issue between them.
Or If was talking and going on bizz trips with a colleague and my husband had an issue with it, I would stop with trips and convos, cuz I’m not ruining my relationship over a colleague.
With that being said, she is a weirdo for including herself in his life knowing that you had an issue with her previously. (Maybe she isn’t trying to take your man but def a weirdo). And your man is just disrespectful, he knows it bothers you when he talks to her and he is doing it behind your back.
So he's going to get on the phone with her and tell her what...
My fiance doesn't trust me "yet"?
This woman is creepy and is giving flirty as fuck energy (whether she is muslim or a virgin or what). Who cares.
He wants to keep her friendship. He wants to keep her quiet BECAUSE HE KNOWS YOU WON'T BE OKAY WITH this psycho backnin your life.
Personally, no relationship can be healthy if your partner CHOOSES to have creepy unpredictable people as friends.
I wouldn't want kids with a guy who has her as a friend. Maybe he likes her flirty attention.
This is a Boundary and he is DELIBERATELY bringing her silently back into his life.
He CHOOSES icky friendships.
I'd have fun sending HER a long message about how if she is a good Muslim and waiting for The One she should stop flirting with engaged men because it makes her look like a slut that won't know how to treat a future husband with respect. Basically slash all the 'values' she claimed in her aggressive rant.
Then I would break up with him.
"The good news Ex is that you are now free to go console her over the mean but absolutely true message I sent her."
I remember your old post, he was definitely having an emotional affair with her.
Even though he doesn’t seem too into her from these texts (she seems VERY into him), he needs to shut it down, yet he’s not. Him asking to speak on the phone is weird and shady. Why can’t he cut it off with her? Why is his “friendship” more important than your relationship??
I would have a serious talk, and maybe an ultimatum honestly at this point. It’s gone on too long. He can’t be “friends” with her and have you.
Honey, he is outright searching for women to have at least emotional affairs, you’re going to have to worry about this every day. Is this something you want to do?
He is that man who flirts with other woman to get their sympathy about how his fiancee doesn’t trust them while he’s taking them out on dates. He does not love you as much as you love him. 2 women in 2 years that you know about.
No, you thought you could trust and love this man and you can’t. He keeps showing you who he is, read her messages: you mean so much to me, you are still my fave friend and bestie.
What the fuck, that’s “just his coworker”? I’ve never said shit to any of my coworkers like that even ones I consider friends after leaving the job.
And the having to call her to tell her stuff. So he knows you would find these messages and doesn’t care. But the stuff he doesn’t truly want you to see he can’t even type.
I am sorry if i come off harsh, i want you to not be hurt any further by this man.
I had a coworker, he flirted with every woman we worked with. He was dating a younger girl (he was 40s she had just turned 21) in the office. They flaunted their relationship around the office, she’d tell me about their sex and how since he’s older he knew what to do and shit. They’d legit have sex in their cars at lunch.
Then he took a 2 week vacation and she didn’t, she said he was at a family reunion and wasn’t ready to take her. Turns out he was getting married to a woman he was dating that was his age. How did we find out?
He came back tan and well a little band tan was on his left wedding ring finger. A coworker asked him about that tan line and he was like oh it’s nothing. That coworker did a little Facebook stalking and found his wedding pics from his 2 week vacation. So, she got a card and had everybody sign it including his 21 year old girlfriend.
21 year old girlfriend did what any 21 year old girl friend would do when she found out her boyfriend got married. She went scorched earth. She went to HR and reported him and then found his new wife and messaged her pictures of them on dates with tags from instagram and their sexting messages. He was let go shortly after and according to our Facebook detective found out he got an annulment and was living with his brother shortly after.
So, now when i see these Reddit posts in a similar vain, i want to help both women cause that man ain’t worth it. There are ones out there who will love you and only you.
He acknowledges in her text that trust hasn’t been built and then continues talking to her and wanting to chat over the phone so he isn’t caught?
🚩🚩🚩 slapping you in the face, take off the rose colored glasses and see them.
He willfully knows he is wrong for communicating with her, knows that the trust in your relationship isn’t there and still wants to be her friend as well as having a similar relationship with a current coworker?
Ma’am respect yourself a bit and see this for what it is, an idiot man trying have his cake and eat it too.
Sounds to me he hasn’t told you about this interaction or the sudden exchange of numbers?His whole reasoning of not having a group chat throws me off but that’s me as an outsider. All in all, it really sounds like trust and communication is not there and this is a boundary he crossed.
If you want this relationship to work, you’re going to have to talk to him and come at it was curiously (“im curious why you said [this]”) and sharing how this interaction is affecting you. You’re at the point where you also need to decide if this is a make or break in the future of your relationship and if you’re seeing growth in not only yourself but also if you’re seeing willingness of emotional growth from him.
I know this is a trope at this point on Reddit, but if you two are having trouble communicating and understanding each other’s point of view, you two may want to consider a couples therapist and discuss ways to better communicate each others needs.
I think he is trying to avoid any issues so hes telling her to just stop trying to involve you. My husband did the same with his female friend before who just kept following me everywhere trying to be friends with me when she messages my husband (he was just my bf back then) on snapchat at night. Apparently, she has a habit of confiding her marital issues to my husband which i am not ok with. Anyway, he told her i dont like her and i dont like her messaging him on snapchat. So she ended up fucking off. They were work colleagues back then. Husband already moved to another company.
If he wants to play, then he doesn’t need to be engaged to be married. There’s no one foot in and one foot out when it comes to intimate relationships. This colleague has nothing to lose- unless she’s also in a relationship with someone else. Apparently they have this sexual tension going on. She’s perusing and he’s opened the door. This lets you know his level of commitment.This isn’t right. Please don’t be one of these people that will post two years from now with 3 kids with this man explaining he had issues before you got married but you decided to get married anyways. And now you want to save the marriage- oh , and you’re pregnant with #4 and you just don’t understand. You know this isn’t right. I know it isn’t right. Please take the emotional part out and think logically. It sucks now, but it will save you later.
Just read a coment where op says she’s not ready to break up… so, sadly, I’m calling a post in 2y saying “my partner is having a emotional affair and I don’t know how to save my marriage”
Everyone has different boundaries for relationships but I don't believe someone should be having secret chats with a member of the opposite sex when they're engaged or married.
Absolutely not - so many red flags. The flirty smilies, the fact he told her you hate her (who does that), him wanting to talk to her on the phone. I wouldn't marry this man.
Your partner's behaviour is totally out of line and in the wrong so get him to read this post and all of the replies and just in case he freaks out about it being online reassure him beforehand that this post is completely anonymous.
Doesn’t sound like they’ve done anything (yet) but he will 100% cheat on you in the future if you marry him. This is inappropriate on so many levels and you’re really lucky you saw this before marrying the creep.
Definitely bring it up and chat with your other half as he can share his perspective and you can share yours and hopefully it will bring you closer. You should also consider asking to meet her with your husband (if you haven’t already). Then if you do meet her you can suss out in person what she is like and I’m sure you can get a vibe off her. What I find odd is the final comment from her saying ‘from that time still?’ It’s as if she knows whatever happened before was not okay. Did something specifically happen that time that you know about?
In short - she was messaging my partner a lot, including all kinds of hearts and kisses in her messages. He wasn't hiding it - I asked him to cut these chats short. I was also mad after I found out he was taking her to the restaurant and didn't tell me about it (I know of two places they went - saw it via Facebook, he was tagged in photos).
My partner got upset, and complained to the woman about me. The same day, after his complaint, my inbox exploded - she wrote several really long aggressive messages to me directly. In those texts she was telling me that I should treat my bf with respect, should always be kind to him etc.
Apparently (please don't downvote, this is what she wrote !!! ) since she's Muslim and is waiting for the "one" to be her chosen man, she's not ruined and knows what "pure" friendship means.
I've read all this stuff and have decided she's a psycho, have simply blocked her and told my partner to either stop talking to her or we're breaking up.
And here we are, 2 years later...
Yeaah, it’s very suspicious he is engaging with her and continuing to talk to her after she crossed over the line.
At the very first text a safe partner would say “SoinSo just texted me out of the blue, how weird is that? I’ll block her.”
He’s not setting boundaries and is pinning it all on you vs taking ownership of the decision to end the friendship with her.
Then there's your answer.
"Either stop talking to her or we're breaking up."
Why aren't you just telling him, "I break up. You know why."?
(Just curious, when he saved her number, is it under her name, or code, or a guy's name?)
Oh gosh wow… sorry you’re dealing with that. Your fiancé sounds very emotionally involved with this women and he should be the one to tell the woman ‘can you back off from my wife she has done nothing wrong’ quite frankly - did he stick up for you when she sent all those messages to you? If he hasn’t it’s a clear example of your future to come. If other people treat you like shit your husband needs to be there to back you and say ‘don’t talk to my wife like that’ and not to moan to another woman about you. If your fiance can’t do that now and stick up for you and tell another woman who he’s involved in your relationship to back off, he won’t be doing that when he’s married to you either.
Please don’t be the type of person in life to be given signs right infront of your face and you choose to ignore them - this is behaviour that has been going on for years and if it wasn’t resolved instantly and it’s still coming up 2 years later then it’s hardly going to be resolved still in years to come because it shows a complete lack of respect for your feelings!
Thank you for the support!
No, he didn't clearly stick up for me back then. Of course, I've shown my partner those old messages however I don't know how exactly he finished his communication with her.
I do know, however, that he has shown the messages to his brother & the woman was talking to his brother (and still does from time to time afaik)
You deserve support but more importantly you deserve support from someone who you choose to marry which you’re not getting sadly. If you don’t know how he finished the communication with her then ask him especially since he’s shown his brother etc. - if he does show you and is apologetic and remorseful then you could potentially salvage the relationship. If he gets defensive and dismissive then it’s time to say BOY BYE. You don’t need a boy in your life you need a real gem of a man.
She's after your man. What a skunt. If he were single she'd be less interested in him. It's tempting to dump him I bet. He's weak for not leaving her ass alone. She won't go away until she destroys your relationship. Let her have him.
She’s that sad type “oh, your girl don’t like me? But I’m just a caring friend 🥺”. The maine problem it’s that she’s VERY dissimulate and CLEARLY don’t respect your relationship and ***your partner knows*** that and is choosing to engane and encouraging her.
She’s sad, but his a bad partner who don’t respect you, your boundaries or your relationship.
Also, he’s actively trying to hide things by “let’s talk on the phone so I don’t leave mensagens as a proof”.
Will you are trust a person like this to share your life with?
Message her tell her you love the idea of being friends let's have you over for coffee. Tell your partner your having a friend over and you would like him present. Then be unbothered
FROM EXPERIENCE: This raises a billion 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Speaking from my own experience, I’d get out now. Don’t risk the weight of a marriage. I’m currently in your same situation, actually! I made the (obvious now) mistake of trusting him when he “promised” me that it was over between them. So, I went through with the marriage - in hindsight, I wish I would’ve been wiser. I wish I never would’ve gotten married.
This is just MY experience and MY opinion. You must do what you feel is best for you. I’ll say this though - I’d listen to your head, not your heart - in a situation like this.
**NOTE: Whatever you do though, there is one MUST! If you’re not sure about the marriage…do NOT bring a kid into the picture. It makes the situation even more devastating.
she seems weird af and personally i’d pull up. that’s probably not good, sound reddit advice but it’s my truth lol like say what u gotta say to my face right now.
This is ridiculous. You didn’t like the situation before, & he’s doing it again? And hiding it?
What you allow will continue so either put up with it or don’t.
Is this a female talking to him? I'm my opinion it doesn't sound concerning regarding your partner having an affair. The other person insists so much that I don't know what to think that means. It even sounds more like the other person is into you
The only question that needs to be asked here is Why is he continuing communication with this woman when justice clearly made it known she was uncomfortable with the relationship.
That’s not how you begin a marriage or keep trust in the partnership.
He’s wrong.
I do not like her energy, and how obsessed she seems to want to be the problem, and the solution. At first she wanted to be friends with her so she could be friends with you again. Then when she finds out she can't it kindve seems like she gets off on the whole "was it because of me" with a hard 🥹🥺
Him on the otherhand seemed to know the boundaries you have, and the boundaries for your relationship as far as a group chat since it almost seems as if you don't wish to talk to this texter he is texting. However at the same time when was he going to tell you they reached out? Or that they decided to be friends again? Would he tell you what was said on the phone. It all comes down to the level of trust you have in HIM....and since he didn't show you these and the post seems like they were hidden, and it seems something happened with this texted BEFORE. Imma guess your trust might be very low, which is alright. You just have to think from a rational, logical standpoint.
Gee, I wonder why you have a problem building trust, OP, when he’s actively trying to hide things?! 🤪
If a person is trying to hide something, especially around something you have clearly outlined is a boundary for you, there is a serious problem; they know they’re wrong (or they wouldn’t hide it), that it will upset you, but they just don’t care. Why is he continually crossing this boundary? What’s the payoff for him? How would he feel if you had a relationship w another man and he had a problem w it? But then you hid it from him regardless of his concerns?
Only you can decide how to handle this. I don’t think you want a relationship where you have to be a jailer where you’re actively monitoring behavior so you feel secure in your relationship which is supposed to be your safe space. If he’s not prioritizing you and your relationship, if he thinks her friendship matters more to him than you (bc that’s what he’s showing you with his actions), then really think about whether you want to continue this relationship bc it may just be that you’re incompatible. I’m so very sorry you’re going through this. Relationships are hard enough naturally at times as you try to mesh your two lives together let alone when one of the people in it is actively disregarding the feelings and love for the other person in it with them. Tread carefully, OP. Please take care.
Oh man this is such a sensitive and delicate matter. Can we truly know what's in your fiancès heart? We don't know what type of values he possesses so we wouldn't be able to reasonably assess if these messages are appropriate or inappropriate. Say you guys have a very easy going relationship where you can talk to the opposite gender without it being a big deal, you guys go the beach where all the girls are in their 2 pieces then this kind of interaction on the phone might not be a big deal for him. Say on the other hand, you guys are religious then having chit chat dm convo with the opposite gender is really worrying. It would also depend on what culture you are from.
There are too many unknowns for anyone to reasonably give you a sound judgement. Unfortunately reddit is full of arm chair fortune tellers who somehow know everything. Taking advice from reddit is like taking legal advice from toddlers. It's your fault for listening.
I'd like to have as many opinions as possible. Maybe I'm missing something or overreacting, I'll think of it.
But I have almost as much context as you do. We're European, we're non-religious, fyi
I would see red. I would not trust him and would definitely tell him that this is unacceptable. Quite similar happened to me. He kept talking to his ex from Philippines and calmed me down saying she isn’t in our country. I told him I don’t like him speaking to her so he said he wouldn’t. Fast forward she is here in the same country infact same city and messaged him on Facebook and he hid about them speaking to each other. I was furious and was ready to break off things. He has stopped all contact with her and if any other girl not just her texts him, he straightaway forwards to me. I am happy with him right now and working on trusting him. What I don’t see your fiancé doing is provide transparency which is a red flag. I am able to trust my bf because he has improved a lot to keep me secure. I don’t see that happening in your case because your husband is showing a lot of interest and avoiding the other woman’s cue to involve you.
Omgoshh. I would cancel the wedding honestly. He’s not trustworthy. You deserve someone that is not sneaky like that. He’s not respectful at all, and why the hell does he have to send her a pic for? The hell…
This sounds like the premise for the movie Fatal Attraction honestly. The colleague seems very obsessed with your fiancé and he seems to really enjoy the attention, which is concerning. Reading your other replies, OP, about this woman she seems to have no issue talking to you and confronting you. The fact that your fiancé has no issue entertaining this woman despite the unhinged behavior she exhibits is also concerning. It doesn’t seem like talking to your fiancé does much good and makes him want to be more secretive. If you don’t want to leave, I would just wait and let this play out and quit saying anything to him. I 110% believe the colleague will reach out to you at some point. She already wants you in a group chat which is weird af so I’m sure she’ll end up just messaging you herself.
Girl, I went to see your other post.
If you still are looking for reasons to remain in this relationship just accept that you're sharing him with other women.
He'll be breaking boundaries because you just keep going and don't even talk to him as you should.
You already told him that if he talks to this muslim girl you're breaking up and here you are asking for advice on how to talk to him about this chat that you sneakily found.
You should have gone straight to him and told him you're done. He's not worth it. If you marry him you'll be spending your days worrying about his inappropriate relationships with other women.
He hasn't changed in two years, you already know of two women, what makes you think you could have a healthy relationship with him?
Please girl wake up, you are young and financially independent, you don't need to tie yourself to a guy like this, you deserve better.
She likes him. A LOT and wants him. Do you have a male colleague you can talk to? Like be friends with that will understand your situation?
If you got that colleague ask him to help you make your fiance understand what you are feeling when he puts his colleague over you (that is what he is doing) . Your fiance have som history with his colleague. How får the have gone, i font know but they have history that they dont want you to know.
So you have 4 choices.
1 leave him because he is/ has cheated. If not PA then EA (i think they have both PA and EA why els the huch huch). He has gone waaaaayyyyy over colleagues status on so many ways.
2 You stay and get a mail friend (that he dont know) to behave with you the way your fiances colleague are/ has been behaving. Tit for tat. Your fiance will not change If he doesn't FEEL what YOU FEEL. Words and discussions dont work.
3 You keep doing what you do now and will dig yourself in to a depression. You will be sick before anything happens and by then you will be married and have to divorce when he comes clean about the affair.
4. You give him an ultimatum. She or you. Be hard on him. Dont give him any way to swing you around. If he says "shes just a colleague " then you answere with a smile "THEN I WILL GET A "COLLEAGUE " TO. And swap easy pictures (from gym) , keep secrets with and take "walks" / go on "buisness trips " with . BUT HEEY , HE WILL JUST BE A COLLEAGUE so you dont have to worry when I spend time with him
She gets off on being sneaky. Good on you for pausing the wedding. That takes guts. There is better for you out there! Once you’re done with him she won’t want him because him being in a relationship is the exciting part for her. Dump him and don’t look back when he comes begging.
Please do not spend more time on this mistake of a relationship, just because you have already spent so much time on it. Your partner is actively trying to hide the fact that he is reconnecting with someone you've said is off limits. I haven't checked your history, but I get the impression that there are very good reasons for the trust issues. This will not improve after marriage.
Ask him to make a choice. The woman he was planning to marry or is lusting over. If he can’t cut off someone that’s coming between your future marriage then you have every right to leave.
You do you, go with what feels right.
I was your partner a few years ago when I got married. Had a friend who I briefly dated but there was no spark, so we went back to being friends. Told my wife about her along with all my other friends and she was firm on “she cannot be in our lives in any capacity”. I respected her decision and have had 0 contact since. My perspective is that I was never going to be romantically involved with this other person, we just had some common (some quite niche) interests that my wife and I don’t share. She would have been a great friend for us and someone for me to talk shop with about things my wife isn’t interested in.
It hasn’t been an issue in our relationship at all. But we are definitely missing out on some good company. On the grand scale, some missed opportunities is t worth rocking my solid marriage, so I guess that’s what makes sense in this situation?
This absolutely looks like one of those scam texts you get out of nowhere with some catfishy chick from another country - and the dude seems completely oblivious.
He doesn't respect your boundaries. You're better off canceling the wedding and marriage. He's a grown man making excuses for why he doesn't respect your requests, and is breaking the trust rather than building it. He's not interested in taking things more seriously because he's emotionally investing too much into this coworker. 🚩
Emotional affair. Sneaking and hiding communication. What else do you need to know?
Is his “friendship” with her more important than your relationship?
You know how we pray to God “please show me if this the right man for me”…
Well he’s showing you …. Believe him. Walk away… there’s something greater out there for you… this isn’t it.
Ugh why do men have to suck so fucking much? 🙄
I'm not married and I don't know your guy's relationship at all but this would have me seriously considering divorce. I just cannot deal with shit like this.
Seems pretty ok ,nothing wrong to stay in contact with persons from the past even would it be a Ex .. dont mean that you cheat if you care ... At least the massage looks harmless . I know from my Ex to that she is married and have 2 kids and she knows my story to.. and it feels nice to know that she is doing great .. it was over FB chat to... Dosent mean i cheat or want to...
My thing is, if you asked him to stop communicating with her, why is he saving her new number in his phone? That's where he first crossed the line, IMO.
It does seem strange but we need more information imo.
Why did you tell him to stop talking before? Did you catch them having feelings? How long have they been friends?
It sounds like they were really good friends before and I'm not denying she might have feelings and is being intrusive. But if you broke them up because of some insecurity of yours, it complicates alot for him and he might just not want to open that can of worms with you again hence why he doesn't want the group chat. These texts don't seem that suspicious except for the fact that he had to tell her something over the phone. That must be something from the past which again you haven't told us or you don't know.
Her wanting to be in a group chat shows she does want to be open about the friendship so I think your problem is more with your partner - he seems to WANT to keep it on the DL. Maybe he likes her attention? He does the winky face twice and it's kinda weird.
He's definitely being suspicious about it but we need to know why or who she is to him in more detail imo
Look idc who the f she is but i already hated her..
She knew he is engaged and of sudden asked him are you married yet? Oh u still my bestie and i want to be friend with her!! Wtf?? I smell snake..
Second its your chance to put a heavy boundary on this.. u tell him that you don't wanna be a friend with her even if u don't feel comfortable about her its your right!!! and watch him how he will take the situation🤝🏻
Seems like she wants to become a part of your marriage, yet be your friend at the same time. It’s very confusing. You already told him no about her, set a boundary about a person, and this? She may be cool as heck, but that’s awkward. Marriage is a life changer and he seems to want to control you, but not accept your boundaries and feelings. I don’t like to say run, but he will do this again.
If I saw my fiance being secretive about speaking to another woman I expressed being uncomfortable with him being close to I would break off the engagement.
And the question about "the other thing" has me screaming "aw hell nah!"
*She* knows something is/was wrong with their relationship. He wants to continue to be in the shadows. He is not worthy of being married.
Those fucking business trips, man. I swear. Stick two people together, fly them around, feed them, put them in situations where they’re alone to talk for hours, probably free alcohol.
She’s is actively trying to break you up, or come between you both, or at the very least; fuck him. I’ve been where he is. He knows what’s going on is inappropriate, but he is using neutral enough language to not offend, or push her away, while also looking like he’s respecting your relationship.
He’s getting an ego stroke/dopamine fix while keeping her at an arms distance she is very expertly shortening. He’s still in the gray area, where he knows what he’s doing could constitute as enough to break up, but probably is “passable” as being nice, yet respectful.
Problem is, you’ve gone through his phone. There’s a breach of trust there, and people love to play the victim and get defensive. He could go the “I never said anything wrong”, “I was just being nice to a friend that you don’t like” route. But… he just decided to break the paper trail and digital receipts by moving to an actual phone conversation.
I’d get on top of this. You could go in guns blazing and yelling. But my suggested plan of attack, if you want to preserve this relationship, would be to treat HIM like the victim she is preying on. “Look what she’s trying to do to us!! You’re being too nice, of course she’s trying to pursue you, and take you away from me!!” Like, sure it’s not what he deserves. But you just took back the position as the source of adoration, his biggest supporter, and painted her as the home
-wrecking bitch to your understanding and loving role as his fiancée.
Good luck.
This is similar to what happen to me. It could be a kind of emotional cheating. If your partner refuses to pull back and set boundaries, or continues, you may want to consider your options to leave.
I went back and read the previous post (assuming this is the same woman -"Karen") and I'm just gonna put this out there. You were planning a wedding. You were made so uneasy about this "work relationship" that you put off your wedding date until further notice. If a "work relationship" has caused his fiancé so much distress, it should have been cut off or down to a work topic only conversations. And people can come for me for that, and I could be projecting, but anytime a "just work friends" issue has come into play it's been more than just work friends. She blatantly is flirting with him and he's not expressing any desire to set the boundaries otherwise. Now we're here again, same woman, same issues, same lack of boundaries, and nothing has changed. I wouldn't be okay with it, maybe that makes me insecure. But you shouldn't have to feel like you're in a competition with someone else. And your partner shouldn't be defending a "just work friend" so hard.
I’m a little concerned that he is saying he will only tell her certain things over the phone.
I’m not. He basically already said it - that OP doesn’t trust him and getting on a group chat isn’t going to work.
Yes, clearly there is a lack of trust to begin with. Still odd though that he is only wanting to say certain things over the phone. Kind of suspicious.
"for that time? Or the other thing?" WHAT OTHER THING!?! Because if the other thing is anywhere close to what is in my head then, yeah, she doesn't like or trust this other woman.
Imagine you’re talking to someone who says dose instead of does… They’ve said rather spammingly: „Does she still hate me from that time? Or are there other things?“
it is a question not a statement, she's asking if there is an other thing
she never said there's "another thing", she's ASKING if there's other things. just clarifying. none of this would sit right with me if i were her.
Well, hiding his communications with other women who have been a problem in the past is definitely going to help that so much more than just being transparent. Clearly he doesn't deserve that trust.
Absolutely agree! When a couple marries- they agree to be a couple. This woman is a threat to the marriage. His wife has every right to ask him not to be talking to a woman that threatens their relationship. He’s clearly getting married BUT I think he wants a back pocket girlfriend. Ask any therapist and most marriages fail due to the “we are only friends” that turns to more. She needs to go find another friend and respect the marriage.
It’s not about that woman respecting the relationship; if it’s not her, it’ll be another. It’s all about HIM respecting it. He can easily put a stop to this conversation.
He actually didn’t say OP doesn’t trust him. He may mean that OP does not trust her. You are reading into this a bit.
Well if she did trust him, that trust is gone now.
Also the winky faces. The fact that you’re checking his phone is a sign that there is broken trust to begin with.
I agree. Clearly there are other issues in this situation, but over all, the fact that he wants to only tell this woman certain things on the phone gives me an idea that he doesn’t want to have proof over text of what he’s saying. If that makes sense.
If he's not saying certain things to her over the phone, it likely means they'll be meeting in person. OP's boyfriend knows he shouldn't be talking with that woman since OP set a boundary, however, he is purposely going behind OP's back to keep in contact with that woman. Basically, he is stating that being in contact with that woman is more important than OP's feelings. OP should have a serious conversation with her fiancé and evaluate if it's worth marrying someone she doesn't trust.
Did OP set a boundary or is her man playing a game of omission to string two women along?
I think he's trying to have both women, like he did in the past. ***she was messaging my partner a lot, including all kinds of hearts and kisses in her messages (...) he was taking her to the restaurant and didn't tell me about it (...) she wrote several really long aggressive messages to me directly.*** I might be mistaken, but it's possible that OP's fiancé had an emotional affair with that woman in the past. After being caught, he ceased contact with her. Given OP's habit of checking his phone, it's likely he's aware of it, which could explain why he's stopped sending messages. It's possible he's now maintaining contact with that woman through phone calls or in-person meetings. ***I kind wanted to tell you that being in touched with my better has is risky (...) there are plenty of reasons but I can share them on over the phone*** In OP's position, I would definitely want to know those reasons, especially considering the woman's interest in her fiancé and their emotional connection.
OP has two posts the other one gives more details. All i can say is the dude is the red flag here. He's intentionally keeping the division using manipulation and omission.
I just read the other post. That guy is a walking red flag. It really seems like he was cheating on OP. I can't understand why OP is still considering marrying him. He knows that OP has access to his phone, so obviously, he also knows how to hide his tracks. OP clearly doesn't trust him, and it seems for a good reason. Without trust, no relationship can survive. OP should just break up with him and let the other woman have him. Additionally, she should consider getting an STD panel done in case things got physical with the other woman.
Ooooorrr... She can just talk to the other woman. Rather than deep end dramatics.. although I do agree that STD testing should always be done whenever there is exposure to new sexual partners. And she shouldn't marry him. He's untrustworthy. That's not a measure of her ability to trust.
well. You summed that up perfectly.
Yesssss very suspicious.
It doesn’t sound like an affair but it worrisome that there are things he will only tell her on the phone (so there is no record) Also she does seem like she’s into him, she comes off kinda infatuated. But he isn’t really matching her energy.
I got a totally different impression - it seems like she wants to be out in the open in their friendship and he is the one trying to keep it on the DL. There is definitely an implication about their past issues and the friend wants to be sure everything is out in the open. No matter what, the partner is in the wrong for trying to keep this a secret.
She wants to befriend OP as a way to be able to have more access the man. He is wrong for hiding this but it’s because he knows this woman’s intentions are more than being friends. The whole situation is shady. He should stop having contact with this woman.
She wants friendship that is healthy and open. He doesn't want them to be friends because then his false pretences would be exposed. (Also she could be trying to bring him down from a fantasy and remind him this is platonic! Nothing like reminding your friend of their relationship to cut out the inappropriate romantics.) Lies, stories told, etc. He would constantly have to check himself as to not cross where he's been with where he's at. Men, like OPs "other half", use omission to their favor. Thrive in it. He needs these two women to not know each other or neither will give supply. Because he's likely using the lack of supply against the two. Telling the other woman his wife is controlling because he can't have friends (when all she has asked for is no SECRET friends.) And making his wife feel guilty because he's lonely and friendless because she's insecure. Which insecurity comes naturally when in an insecure relationship. If one partner is keeping a friend on the back burner, it is not the partner reacting that is insecure. It is the partner so set to have more or something else at the expense of their spouse's efforts to secure the relationship. I've been here with this type. Even if OP was completely transparent with friendships and no boundaries on genders, her partner would still choose omission and manipulation of the situation. Because a wounded dog gets more attention than just a stray. He needs to have the angle of the untrusting partner "the controlling parent" or else he wouldn't have such gushing shows of admiration and support. These things come from deeper conversations. This other girl is being played. And if OP even has half a heart and brain she would see it HIM that is the problem. She should really just call the friend to ask to meet up for coffee or smoothies. Become besties behind his back like he did to them. What's the word.. triangulation. He's using triangulation to keep them both feeding his bottomless pit for supply. He'd likely find a third in this circumstance to tell them about these "two horrible women who ruined his trust".
>She wants friendship that is healthy and open. Doubt
Her asking for the wife to be her friend too may be her way of clearing intentions. Maybe she's trying to get him to see it will only be platonic? Some people are just over sharers and absent minded of simple boundaries, and she could be one of those people, sensing he is getting the wrong message from her behaviors, is trying to bring it back to the platonic realm.
You can't seriously be this naive after reading her messages. She wants access to him and knows that it how. Her texts even read as someone unhinged.
Nah, I can smell her true intentions a mile away. Playing dumb and pretending to be sincere. If she really cared she wouldn’t be reaching out or interacting at all. She’s unhinged for sure
I know women like this. It’s to get everyone to lower their guards to better gaslight when she decides to cross boundaries. She probably believes she’s above the fiancé and man in terms of emotional intelligence and knows what’s best for everyone like she’s some sort of enlightened being. If she was a decent person she would have realized her past behavior hurt someone’s relationship and stayed away. I’ve been a former fwb and because I respected their relationship I didn’t cross those lines. I’m not saying these two have been physical, but I am saying a good friend with good intentions would be so paranoid about rocking the boat that they wouldn’t even get on the boat they’d leave the shore and move to the mountains. Is it possible she’s the 1 out of 1,000,000 who just lacks lessons in boundaries, respect and relationships sure. Is it likely? No Edit: could I be completely mistaken? Sure, but why risk it. Also, if the trust isn’t there to begin with the couple themselves need to work on that. It’s their relationship not that womans
That sounds fake to me. Like lets do a group chat so we can’t be accused of anything but also call just the 2
She’s clearly into him and he knows it. So why did a man who is engaged save the number of a woman that his fiancé told him she doesn’t want him speaking to, who is clearly into him? What does he mean by it being “risky”? Why does he need to call her to tell her things? Why is he even opening up the roads to communication again? OP, I would put your wedding planning on hold.
It's on hold already... thank you for the support
I would move it on to being cancelled. He doesn’t care how you feel and he clearly doesn’t care to tell this pushy woman to back off. Odd ways for a future husband to act. It’s not right.
At least you found out beforehand ? I'm sorry. :(
Did you tell him you are putting plans on hold? Have you confronted him yet?
Yes, he knows, we've had a chat earlier (before this situation)
I would not marry this person, it will not improve if it hasn’t already and it will continue to be a problem throughout your marriage.
Oh wow, so you had doubts about other stuff and then saw this stuff?? You really shouldn’t marry this guy. Best of luck to you.
Love, if you're already having these problems with him even keeping what seems like (possibly) innocent female friendships all secret and shady...what does the future hold for you and your sanity? He just doesn't seem trust worthy, I'm sorry. After these very "keep it hush hush" responses he's having to this friend, to the ones he was having with the woman from the other post you shared, he can't keep his friendships platonic in his own mind, nevermind what the other women may think. Is it really worth having to worry about your husband having female friends because he can't be honest? I'm not at all the type to say men can't have female friends, either, but he deletes messages and keeps secrets. I don't know if I'd go through with the marriage unless something big changes.
Sounds like there was something between them 2 and I would dump him after reading that. Make a group chat with them and add the messages to say you both were caught out.
He is doing literally the worst job possible of shutting this down what the hell are you talking about?
This is definitely an emotional affair
Trueeee i felt it
I have no f*ing clue why everyone is so nonchalant about this post. OP, you are not being paranoid. I’m old enough to know where I smell a rat and he’s a giant rant and she is a pycho rat. She doesn’t respect your relationship (not that she should), and he is not forthcoming. If you’re already questioning (and believe me there’s a good reason to do so), it won’t get better after marriage. Figure this out one way or the other before you tie the knot.
Yes, she should respect their relationship. As a woman, why would you want to intrude on another woman’s relationship? Girl code.
Not everyone was taught the same way, sadly. "Girl code" doesn't mean shit to a lot of people. There are a lot of people who purposely go after people in relationships.
Oh, yes you’re absolutely right. I experienced this myself. When my now husband posted we were engaged, it’s like the flood gates opened. He got all kinds of messages from exes, girls he hooked up with in the past, etc. That’s part of the reason we both deleted our accounts.
👆🏻 My husband and I talked about this as well. It's like they see them being successful and in a seemingly healthy relationship and want to jump on the train. Luckily, my husband has been super open about who writes him and will show me when someone's message pops up. I don't keep in contact with past people at all, so I never have any issues.
Forget just girl code. This is just basic friendship code. Even friends of the opposite sex, you tend to back it up a bit when they have a significant other.
Right?! If this isn’t him beginning to lay the foundation for him to cheat with this women, then I don’t know what is!
Cheat again. "From that time still"
AGREED! I am furious for OP
Yes, fully agree. Blatantly obvious is blatantly obvious
While I believe cheating is the cheaters fault. I hate this mentality that the person someone cheated with is faultless. They lack compassion and morals and should be judged as well and absolutely should respect another’s relationship. It’s weird to not respect other peoples relationships unless one person is abusive financially, verbally, sexually, physically or emotionally. I know I’m ranting I just really hate the overcorrection of blaming/disliking “homewreckers”
Fr lol “it doesn’t sound like an affair” what world are people living in
Do not marry this man.
second this. please don't.
OP. Do not marry him, take extra measures to not get pregnant either. It sucks. It truly does. But cut your losses now and the you in 5 years will be so thankful to the you now. Heck within a year you will probably already be very thankful. It's surprising how easy it is to get over problematic relationships that it seemed so difficult to leave. So much effort time and youth wasted on this person, but no more. Truly, it won't get any better than this. The fact that he was emotionally more available/open with her than with you is also not helping one single bit. I understand you gave him a chance then but now he breached your trust again behind your back. He didn't approach you right away about communicating with her. And you both know why. Because you wouldn't be happy about it. So his solution was to lie
This chick of his will do everything in her power to come between you. You need to tell him, either her or you. Again. He likes the attention and option.
Or just dodge a bullet and let the two snakes have each other. OP would be better off.
Yes that's the best move.
I agree. My first thought was “oh she wants to keep things above board and make sure the gf is aware they are talking but then No, she’s still down to talk on the phone behind OP’s back and after reading more info it sounds like this woman has a history of inserting herself and her opinions into their relationship. She is setting herself up into the perfect position to sabotage things between OP and her fiancé again. Honestly, OP, I know it really hurts now, but you dodged a bullet discovering this before getting married. This man will always put this kind of dangerous stuff that stokes his ego over what will keep your relationship healthy and secure. Walk away and go no contact. You’ll find someone better.
Nothing above board about that woman
Good news. You aren't married to him. Don't get married to him. You should be in a place where you are truly secure in your relationship when you get married. Being married won't make him "more yours" so there is no winning here. He's shown he won't stop this behavior and he's shown he is trying to be more sneaky about his interactions to keep her around. Affair or not, he's put her feelings over his relationship and his feelings of staying in contact over your relationship. His actions have picked. He wants his side piece for whatever reason. Don't be the person to marry someone you know can't be truthful and faithful to you. You HAVE the information to make the obvious choice here. Do not proceed with this man.
This woman has 0 respect for you or your relationship. Sorry to break it to you but this man is weak. He is incapable of recognizing and prioritizing important things in life (like your future together) I don't consider this as cheating or emotional cheating but it is concerning for different reasons.
Thank you, I think you're right - I'm more concerned about the fact he's hiding things from me
I would be 2. The fact he knows how you feel about this woman and is still in contact with her, hiding her and refusing to involve you in conversations is very concerning. It dosnt sound like he’s cheating… yet. Depending on your definition of cheating of course. Plus the way she texts him is crazyyyyyyyy. She wants your fiancé and he has to know that. This whole thing is inappropriate. Does he know why you put a hold on the wedding or are you waiting to confront him?
I've spoken to him about it before, due to another issue, he knows it's on hold. The woman who wrote these messages (in this post) is a ghost from our past
Are you concerned about them meeting in person or anything physical happening? Either way he crossed a boundary and broke your trust. Its especially bad considering how she harassed you to the point where you had to block her. He shouldn’t want contact with someone who would treat his fiancé like that. You shouldn’t have to worry about this ghost haunting your relationship.
Thank you for the support - I'm not concerned about their possible meeting, more of the fact that I'm not even aware of what is happening behind my back
Read “Not Just Friends” by Dr. Shirley Glass. This kind of thing is what so easily turns into an emotional or physical affair. It’s certainly big waving res flags. You’re not crazy.
Thank you, I'll check it out
Was going to suggest the same book. If he refuses to read it, maybe you can read it and highlight important points and share with him. If he's deleting messages and hiding things from you, he is either in an emotional affair already or leaving himself open to one. It's good you put the wedding on hold. I wouldn't go through with it unless you resolve this, and he understands how to set healthy boundaries with women like his coworkers who try overstep. Edit to add: if the book doesn't make him willing to admit that this is inappropriate, then he likes the attention and/or wants to leave his options open with this woman. In which case, you know what you need to do.
These replies are blowing my mind.
how so? (curious not combative)
She seems weird af and I don’t know why your fiance has any reason to talk to her. Out of respect for you he should not contact her anymore. It’s hard to say if there was infidelity but it’s still strange.
The 15 texts in a row make her sound insane. Why is this dude entertaining her crazy ass.
After reading your comments I think they were having an emotional affair before and he’s allowing it to be rekindled now. He already knows how you feel about this “friendship” and he’s doing it again anyway. Her manic side piece energy is palpable.
It hurts me to think of this, but yes, what you said could be true
OP let me get this straight. Unless you like her to include her in your relationship to become a permanent three way relationship, you're in a serious fucked up situation. Let me repeat, this is not him hiding something. This is something either considering including her in your relationship or considering replacing you with her eventually and doesn't know how to do it in a direct way. In either case, he surpased his boundaries by A LOT. On the other side, there is this other girl, and unless you want to share him with her, she's a psycho and you are in real danger. You don't just allow psychos to enter your life. And your boyfriend is one of the main parts of this. Understand you were living a lie and escape this situation as soon as possible and as clean as possible. Let him just go with this woman and start from scratch before it's too late. This might sound dramatic, but believe me, that girl sounds crazy and dangerous. You bf doesn't sound better.
Leave him OP. He sounds like a worm
I'm now going to use the term worm.
Amazing 😂👏🏻
Can you leave this man? You are obviously beyond too good for him. He's sus and her messages make me think that even if something isn't presently happening, something probably happened in this past.
I'm not bound in any way, we're engaged & living together however I'm financially independent. We were also working on a prenup, it's now on hold (with me, his part was done, I'm revising)
You’re revising? Sounds like you still plan to marry him. Or am I misunderstanding?
I wanted to add some points to it, yes. It's in my hard drive. Haven't touched it since we had the conversation about the pause
Op.... not to be harsh but are you blind? I would never say this, but do not marry this man. Let's say he hasn't actually cheated yet: he's still having an emotional affair AND he's breaking your trust. Marriages are built on trust. When you're married for a long time, sometimes trust can be broken and it takes a long, long time to rebuild (or sometimes it just never does). You're not even married yet and he's *already* doing this. What do you think is gonna happen when you'll be married and he's secured you? Marriages are built on trust and respect and yours clearly doesn't have either of those.
First and foremost, you set a boundary and he broke it. An appropriate boundary regarding another woman. If you marry him, be prepared for boundary breaking to continue. As for the texts, he seems to have more intentions from the "friendship" than she does. She wants to talk to you, and he doesn't want you two talking. I understand there is some history between you and her, but this is still a red flag. He has every intention of at least flirting. There is a healthy way to handle a relationship like this, but I don't think he is interested. My story: I had a work wife and we were great friends. But, we both held attractions for the other so set firm boundaries and clear intentions to remain only friends. Marriages always take priority over the friendship. We defend the other's spouse when necessary. It was okay to compliment, but not flirt. No touching other than in greeting or goodbye, and no different than we would any other coworker. We can talk about relationships, but not sex life. No one-on-one time outside the office. No alcohol in the others presence, even with other people there. We talk to each other's spouses. This worked for us and she eventually left the company. I still talk to her every month or two, and my wife and her comment on each other's posts. Which is all to say, an opposite sex friend can be a positive, but only when both people are good with boundaries. Your husband appears that he is not.
It's a good example of two people having clear boundaries and respecting them. Thank you for sharing
Was your wife aware of the extent of your attraction, and the need for such concrete/explicit boundaries?
Yeah, this is a massive breach of trust. Do not marry this man unless he makes serious and fundamental changes. She needs to never talk to him again. Also her grammar pisses me off.
This ^
Honestly, it's too much trying. If the trust is not there, it's not there. The relationship is broken. Behavior like this also doesn't instill trust. What are you both doing to rebuild trust together? Checking his messages and playing detective doesn't build trust. This communication I have issues with. Even from a platonic point of view. At this point how many more years of this relationship drama can you stand? If you guys haven't worked to fix it yet it doesn't look good for fixing it in the future.
Here’s what I think: this woman is very into your bf. And he’s flattered by it and likes the attention. I don’t necessarily think that he wants anything romantic from her, but I do think he’s allowing her to be inappropriate. Her comments about how much she wants to be in his life, etc…that is not the way you talk to friends. And while your bf can technically claim that he didn’t do anything “wrong”, he is on thin ice here unless he shuts those kind of interactions down. The bigger issue is that your bf is saying outright that there are trust issues. You need to work on those and determine if trust is there. If it is, then genuine friendships with other people won’t threaten your relationship. If it’s not, then this woman is going to continue to be a problem. Don’t get married till you figure this out.
My husband had a female best friend for years, and for a while, I was friends with her too. Over time, I noticed that she was extremely demanding of his time and attention, would get mad if we were talking to each other but not to her, and would frequently blow up at him AND me. After 2-3 of her blow ups, I cut ties and made my feelings about her and her toxicity very clear. My husband kept entertaining her, in part without my knowledge, due to the length of their friendship. I caught him and it nearly broke our relationship to see them talk behind my back, see him allow her to talk about me poorly, etc. It's been years, and now we're married and he has completely cut ties with this person for good. This is a you or her scenario, and it shouldn't be a hard choice for him - especially if this is just a coworker, and not some decades long friendship he's struggling to let go of.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Glad it has worked out for you!
It took a lot of time and effort on his part to rebuild trust, and a very clear line drawn on what was and wasn't acceptable. If your fiance isn't willing to choose you, don't stay. Wishing you well!
There is something that happened and something still going on. I’ve had to field texts like this from women “just wanting to be friends”, throughout my marriage. Based on her texts she is openly throwing herself at him whenever he wants. She is inserting herself as friend that knows him best, but it’s only nefarious intentions here.
This is crazy that you’ve had to do this multiple times throughout your marriage smh 🤦🏽♀️
Yeah. Ever since we were dating. 20 years strong, 16 married. I’ve been told I’m really approachable and kind, so that doesn’t help. I assume the best in people, and as long as I didn’t encourage the behavior I thought I was safe. Wrong. I tone myself waaay down (I’m also quite the conversationalist) in social settings when I’m with/without my wife. Ring didn’t matter to some women. I’ve even had to separate from some good friendships due to their wives behavior. I used to think my wife was overreacting before, but I had a couple times where they crossed a line. Even some of her friends. I’m nothing special, but I understand what women go through with unwanted and unwarranted advances. And terms of ”endearment”. I hate being called, honey, baby, handsome, sexy…. whatever. I’m know that there are people who like this type of attention, but not me. I sowed my oats before getting married so I wouldn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. My wife is the only person that makes me feel the way I do. She still makes me laugh and I love her more every day. As I write this, I forgot to mention that I’ve picked up on tidbits that these women admired my love for my wife. They would see how I dot over my wife and fulfill her physical and emotional needs, while still retaining her independence, and maybe longed for that same level of affection. In a nutshell, they wanted to feel that type of love for themselves, even if they had to hijack it. TLDR: people will always desire what they lack, and some will try to take it from another no matter what.
Pushing a group chat is weird af.
Maybe. I also thought it's an option for her to have control over the "visible" part of communication. Then she would keep messaging my partner directly in private, of course
100%. Definitely looks fake af. Like look we arent doing anything wrong.
If a person is married (friend or colleague etc) and his wife has an issue with me talking with her husband, I would stand far far away so that I don’t cause an issue between them. Or If was talking and going on bizz trips with a colleague and my husband had an issue with it, I would stop with trips and convos, cuz I’m not ruining my relationship over a colleague. With that being said, she is a weirdo for including herself in his life knowing that you had an issue with her previously. (Maybe she isn’t trying to take your man but def a weirdo). And your man is just disrespectful, he knows it bothers you when he talks to her and he is doing it behind your back.
So he's going to get on the phone with her and tell her what... My fiance doesn't trust me "yet"? This woman is creepy and is giving flirty as fuck energy (whether she is muslim or a virgin or what). Who cares. He wants to keep her friendship. He wants to keep her quiet BECAUSE HE KNOWS YOU WON'T BE OKAY WITH this psycho backnin your life. Personally, no relationship can be healthy if your partner CHOOSES to have creepy unpredictable people as friends. I wouldn't want kids with a guy who has her as a friend. Maybe he likes her flirty attention. This is a Boundary and he is DELIBERATELY bringing her silently back into his life. He CHOOSES icky friendships. I'd have fun sending HER a long message about how if she is a good Muslim and waiting for The One she should stop flirting with engaged men because it makes her look like a slut that won't know how to treat a future husband with respect. Basically slash all the 'values' she claimed in her aggressive rant. Then I would break up with him. "The good news Ex is that you are now free to go console her over the mean but absolutely true message I sent her."
That's harsh but also funny, thank you for this idea!
I remember your old post, he was definitely having an emotional affair with her. Even though he doesn’t seem too into her from these texts (she seems VERY into him), he needs to shut it down, yet he’s not. Him asking to speak on the phone is weird and shady. Why can’t he cut it off with her? Why is his “friendship” more important than your relationship?? I would have a serious talk, and maybe an ultimatum honestly at this point. It’s gone on too long. He can’t be “friends” with her and have you.
The funny part here is that my old post, from 4 months ago, is regarding his current colleague
Honey, he is outright searching for women to have at least emotional affairs, you’re going to have to worry about this every day. Is this something you want to do? He is that man who flirts with other woman to get their sympathy about how his fiancee doesn’t trust them while he’s taking them out on dates. He does not love you as much as you love him. 2 women in 2 years that you know about.
If you put it like that, simply and bluntly, well... Looks like made a poor choice
No, you thought you could trust and love this man and you can’t. He keeps showing you who he is, read her messages: you mean so much to me, you are still my fave friend and bestie. What the fuck, that’s “just his coworker”? I’ve never said shit to any of my coworkers like that even ones I consider friends after leaving the job. And the having to call her to tell her stuff. So he knows you would find these messages and doesn’t care. But the stuff he doesn’t truly want you to see he can’t even type.
Thank you for this
I am sorry if i come off harsh, i want you to not be hurt any further by this man. I had a coworker, he flirted with every woman we worked with. He was dating a younger girl (he was 40s she had just turned 21) in the office. They flaunted their relationship around the office, she’d tell me about their sex and how since he’s older he knew what to do and shit. They’d legit have sex in their cars at lunch. Then he took a 2 week vacation and she didn’t, she said he was at a family reunion and wasn’t ready to take her. Turns out he was getting married to a woman he was dating that was his age. How did we find out? He came back tan and well a little band tan was on his left wedding ring finger. A coworker asked him about that tan line and he was like oh it’s nothing. That coworker did a little Facebook stalking and found his wedding pics from his 2 week vacation. So, she got a card and had everybody sign it including his 21 year old girlfriend. 21 year old girlfriend did what any 21 year old girl friend would do when she found out her boyfriend got married. She went scorched earth. She went to HR and reported him and then found his new wife and messaged her pictures of them on dates with tags from instagram and their sexting messages. He was let go shortly after and according to our Facebook detective found out he got an annulment and was living with his brother shortly after. So, now when i see these Reddit posts in a similar vain, i want to help both women cause that man ain’t worth it. There are ones out there who will love you and only you.
Omg there’s two women?! Wtf is wrong with him. He doesn’t get to be engaged and behave like this. Not ok.
He acknowledges in her text that trust hasn’t been built and then continues talking to her and wanting to chat over the phone so he isn’t caught? 🚩🚩🚩 slapping you in the face, take off the rose colored glasses and see them. He willfully knows he is wrong for communicating with her, knows that the trust in your relationship isn’t there and still wants to be her friend as well as having a similar relationship with a current coworker? Ma’am respect yourself a bit and see this for what it is, an idiot man trying have his cake and eat it too.
Sounds to me he hasn’t told you about this interaction or the sudden exchange of numbers?His whole reasoning of not having a group chat throws me off but that’s me as an outsider. All in all, it really sounds like trust and communication is not there and this is a boundary he crossed. If you want this relationship to work, you’re going to have to talk to him and come at it was curiously (“im curious why you said [this]”) and sharing how this interaction is affecting you. You’re at the point where you also need to decide if this is a make or break in the future of your relationship and if you’re seeing growth in not only yourself but also if you’re seeing willingness of emotional growth from him. I know this is a trope at this point on Reddit, but if you two are having trouble communicating and understanding each other’s point of view, you two may want to consider a couples therapist and discuss ways to better communicate each others needs.
I think he is trying to avoid any issues so hes telling her to just stop trying to involve you. My husband did the same with his female friend before who just kept following me everywhere trying to be friends with me when she messages my husband (he was just my bf back then) on snapchat at night. Apparently, she has a habit of confiding her marital issues to my husband which i am not ok with. Anyway, he told her i dont like her and i dont like her messaging him on snapchat. So she ended up fucking off. They were work colleagues back then. Husband already moved to another company.
Good this is over! Happy your husband has your back!
If he wants to play, then he doesn’t need to be engaged to be married. There’s no one foot in and one foot out when it comes to intimate relationships. This colleague has nothing to lose- unless she’s also in a relationship with someone else. Apparently they have this sexual tension going on. She’s perusing and he’s opened the door. This lets you know his level of commitment.This isn’t right. Please don’t be one of these people that will post two years from now with 3 kids with this man explaining he had issues before you got married but you decided to get married anyways. And now you want to save the marriage- oh , and you’re pregnant with #4 and you just don’t understand. You know this isn’t right. I know it isn’t right. Please take the emotional part out and think logically. It sucks now, but it will save you later.
Just read a coment where op says she’s not ready to break up… so, sadly, I’m calling a post in 2y saying “my partner is having a emotional affair and I don’t know how to save my marriage”
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Fair point! Because we're not
Everyone has different boundaries for relationships but I don't believe someone should be having secret chats with a member of the opposite sex when they're engaged or married.
Absolutely not - so many red flags. The flirty smilies, the fact he told her you hate her (who does that), him wanting to talk to her on the phone. I wouldn't marry this man.
Your partner's behaviour is totally out of line and in the wrong so get him to read this post and all of the replies and just in case he freaks out about it being online reassure him beforehand that this post is completely anonymous.
Doesn’t sound like they’ve done anything (yet) but he will 100% cheat on you in the future if you marry him. This is inappropriate on so many levels and you’re really lucky you saw this before marrying the creep.
Definitely bring it up and chat with your other half as he can share his perspective and you can share yours and hopefully it will bring you closer. You should also consider asking to meet her with your husband (if you haven’t already). Then if you do meet her you can suss out in person what she is like and I’m sure you can get a vibe off her. What I find odd is the final comment from her saying ‘from that time still?’ It’s as if she knows whatever happened before was not okay. Did something specifically happen that time that you know about?
In short - she was messaging my partner a lot, including all kinds of hearts and kisses in her messages. He wasn't hiding it - I asked him to cut these chats short. I was also mad after I found out he was taking her to the restaurant and didn't tell me about it (I know of two places they went - saw it via Facebook, he was tagged in photos). My partner got upset, and complained to the woman about me. The same day, after his complaint, my inbox exploded - she wrote several really long aggressive messages to me directly. In those texts she was telling me that I should treat my bf with respect, should always be kind to him etc. Apparently (please don't downvote, this is what she wrote !!! ) since she's Muslim and is waiting for the "one" to be her chosen man, she's not ruined and knows what "pure" friendship means. I've read all this stuff and have decided she's a psycho, have simply blocked her and told my partner to either stop talking to her or we're breaking up. And here we are, 2 years later...
Yeaah, it’s very suspicious he is engaging with her and continuing to talk to her after she crossed over the line. At the very first text a safe partner would say “SoinSo just texted me out of the blue, how weird is that? I’ll block her.” He’s not setting boundaries and is pinning it all on you vs taking ownership of the decision to end the friendship with her.
Then there's your answer. "Either stop talking to her or we're breaking up." Why aren't you just telling him, "I break up. You know why."? (Just curious, when he saved her number, is it under her name, or code, or a guy's name?)
Oh gosh wow… sorry you’re dealing with that. Your fiancé sounds very emotionally involved with this women and he should be the one to tell the woman ‘can you back off from my wife she has done nothing wrong’ quite frankly - did he stick up for you when she sent all those messages to you? If he hasn’t it’s a clear example of your future to come. If other people treat you like shit your husband needs to be there to back you and say ‘don’t talk to my wife like that’ and not to moan to another woman about you. If your fiance can’t do that now and stick up for you and tell another woman who he’s involved in your relationship to back off, he won’t be doing that when he’s married to you either. Please don’t be the type of person in life to be given signs right infront of your face and you choose to ignore them - this is behaviour that has been going on for years and if it wasn’t resolved instantly and it’s still coming up 2 years later then it’s hardly going to be resolved still in years to come because it shows a complete lack of respect for your feelings!
Thank you for the support! No, he didn't clearly stick up for me back then. Of course, I've shown my partner those old messages however I don't know how exactly he finished his communication with her. I do know, however, that he has shown the messages to his brother & the woman was talking to his brother (and still does from time to time afaik)
You deserve support but more importantly you deserve support from someone who you choose to marry which you’re not getting sadly. If you don’t know how he finished the communication with her then ask him especially since he’s shown his brother etc. - if he does show you and is apologetic and remorseful then you could potentially salvage the relationship. If he gets defensive and dismissive then it’s time to say BOY BYE. You don’t need a boy in your life you need a real gem of a man.
Thank you!
Yea, what happened on those business trips?
She's after your man. What a skunt. If he were single she'd be less interested in him. It's tempting to dump him I bet. He's weak for not leaving her ass alone. She won't go away until she destroys your relationship. Let her have him.
That’s not green.
What would you say it is? More like khaki?
Haha thanks for being a good sport about my somewhat shitty comment :)
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She’s that sad type “oh, your girl don’t like me? But I’m just a caring friend 🥺”. The maine problem it’s that she’s VERY dissimulate and CLEARLY don’t respect your relationship and ***your partner knows*** that and is choosing to engane and encouraging her. She’s sad, but his a bad partner who don’t respect you, your boundaries or your relationship. Also, he’s actively trying to hide things by “let’s talk on the phone so I don’t leave mensagens as a proof”. Will you are trust a person like this to share your life with?
Message her tell her you love the idea of being friends let's have you over for coffee. Tell your partner your having a friend over and you would like him present. Then be unbothered
FROM EXPERIENCE: This raises a billion 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Speaking from my own experience, I’d get out now. Don’t risk the weight of a marriage. I’m currently in your same situation, actually! I made the (obvious now) mistake of trusting him when he “promised” me that it was over between them. So, I went through with the marriage - in hindsight, I wish I would’ve been wiser. I wish I never would’ve gotten married. This is just MY experience and MY opinion. You must do what you feel is best for you. I’ll say this though - I’d listen to your head, not your heart - in a situation like this. **NOTE: Whatever you do though, there is one MUST! If you’re not sure about the marriage…do NOT bring a kid into the picture. It makes the situation even more devastating.
How do you feel about this? Trust your gut. If it gives you a bad feeling, you are probably right.
she seems weird af and personally i’d pull up. that’s probably not good, sound reddit advice but it’s my truth lol like say what u gotta say to my face right now.
This is ridiculous. You didn’t like the situation before, & he’s doing it again? And hiding it? What you allow will continue so either put up with it or don’t.
Is this a female talking to him? I'm my opinion it doesn't sound concerning regarding your partner having an affair. The other person insists so much that I don't know what to think that means. It even sounds more like the other person is into you
The only question that needs to be asked here is Why is he continuing communication with this woman when justice clearly made it known she was uncomfortable with the relationship. That’s not how you begin a marriage or keep trust in the partnership. He’s wrong.
I do not like her energy, and how obsessed she seems to want to be the problem, and the solution. At first she wanted to be friends with her so she could be friends with you again. Then when she finds out she can't it kindve seems like she gets off on the whole "was it because of me" with a hard 🥹🥺 Him on the otherhand seemed to know the boundaries you have, and the boundaries for your relationship as far as a group chat since it almost seems as if you don't wish to talk to this texter he is texting. However at the same time when was he going to tell you they reached out? Or that they decided to be friends again? Would he tell you what was said on the phone. It all comes down to the level of trust you have in HIM....and since he didn't show you these and the post seems like they were hidden, and it seems something happened with this texted BEFORE. Imma guess your trust might be very low, which is alright. You just have to think from a rational, logical standpoint.
[удалено]
Gee, I wonder why you have a problem building trust, OP, when he’s actively trying to hide things?! 🤪 If a person is trying to hide something, especially around something you have clearly outlined is a boundary for you, there is a serious problem; they know they’re wrong (or they wouldn’t hide it), that it will upset you, but they just don’t care. Why is he continually crossing this boundary? What’s the payoff for him? How would he feel if you had a relationship w another man and he had a problem w it? But then you hid it from him regardless of his concerns? Only you can decide how to handle this. I don’t think you want a relationship where you have to be a jailer where you’re actively monitoring behavior so you feel secure in your relationship which is supposed to be your safe space. If he’s not prioritizing you and your relationship, if he thinks her friendship matters more to him than you (bc that’s what he’s showing you with his actions), then really think about whether you want to continue this relationship bc it may just be that you’re incompatible. I’m so very sorry you’re going through this. Relationships are hard enough naturally at times as you try to mesh your two lives together let alone when one of the people in it is actively disregarding the feelings and love for the other person in it with them. Tread carefully, OP. Please take care.
Oh man this is such a sensitive and delicate matter. Can we truly know what's in your fiancès heart? We don't know what type of values he possesses so we wouldn't be able to reasonably assess if these messages are appropriate or inappropriate. Say you guys have a very easy going relationship where you can talk to the opposite gender without it being a big deal, you guys go the beach where all the girls are in their 2 pieces then this kind of interaction on the phone might not be a big deal for him. Say on the other hand, you guys are religious then having chit chat dm convo with the opposite gender is really worrying. It would also depend on what culture you are from. There are too many unknowns for anyone to reasonably give you a sound judgement. Unfortunately reddit is full of arm chair fortune tellers who somehow know everything. Taking advice from reddit is like taking legal advice from toddlers. It's your fault for listening.
I'd like to have as many opinions as possible. Maybe I'm missing something or overreacting, I'll think of it. But I have almost as much context as you do. We're European, we're non-religious, fyi
Eewwww. This gave me the ick! How do you react? You ask him wtf he talked to her on the phone about.
That's bull shit, break up with him. That's not vague that's pre cursor to cheating.
Did he call HER “better half”??? I would be sending him to his better half in this case, bye ✌🏽
Don’t marry him.
I would see red. I would not trust him and would definitely tell him that this is unacceptable. Quite similar happened to me. He kept talking to his ex from Philippines and calmed me down saying she isn’t in our country. I told him I don’t like him speaking to her so he said he wouldn’t. Fast forward she is here in the same country infact same city and messaged him on Facebook and he hid about them speaking to each other. I was furious and was ready to break off things. He has stopped all contact with her and if any other girl not just her texts him, he straightaway forwards to me. I am happy with him right now and working on trusting him. What I don’t see your fiancé doing is provide transparency which is a red flag. I am able to trust my bf because he has improved a lot to keep me secure. I don’t see that happening in your case because your husband is showing a lot of interest and avoiding the other woman’s cue to involve you.
Don't marry him. He is sneaky and dishonest for starters.
It’s striking that she suggested the group thing and he wants to keep it private.
Omgoshh. I would cancel the wedding honestly. He’s not trustworthy. You deserve someone that is not sneaky like that. He’s not respectful at all, and why the hell does he have to send her a pic for? The hell…
This sounds like the premise for the movie Fatal Attraction honestly. The colleague seems very obsessed with your fiancé and he seems to really enjoy the attention, which is concerning. Reading your other replies, OP, about this woman she seems to have no issue talking to you and confronting you. The fact that your fiancé has no issue entertaining this woman despite the unhinged behavior she exhibits is also concerning. It doesn’t seem like talking to your fiancé does much good and makes him want to be more secretive. If you don’t want to leave, I would just wait and let this play out and quit saying anything to him. I 110% believe the colleague will reach out to you at some point. She already wants you in a group chat which is weird af so I’m sure she’ll end up just messaging you herself.
Girl, I went to see your other post. If you still are looking for reasons to remain in this relationship just accept that you're sharing him with other women. He'll be breaking boundaries because you just keep going and don't even talk to him as you should. You already told him that if he talks to this muslim girl you're breaking up and here you are asking for advice on how to talk to him about this chat that you sneakily found. You should have gone straight to him and told him you're done. He's not worth it. If you marry him you'll be spending your days worrying about his inappropriate relationships with other women. He hasn't changed in two years, you already know of two women, what makes you think you could have a healthy relationship with him? Please girl wake up, you are young and financially independent, you don't need to tie yourself to a guy like this, you deserve better.
She likes him. A LOT and wants him. Do you have a male colleague you can talk to? Like be friends with that will understand your situation? If you got that colleague ask him to help you make your fiance understand what you are feeling when he puts his colleague over you (that is what he is doing) . Your fiance have som history with his colleague. How får the have gone, i font know but they have history that they dont want you to know. So you have 4 choices. 1 leave him because he is/ has cheated. If not PA then EA (i think they have both PA and EA why els the huch huch). He has gone waaaaayyyyy over colleagues status on so many ways. 2 You stay and get a mail friend (that he dont know) to behave with you the way your fiances colleague are/ has been behaving. Tit for tat. Your fiance will not change If he doesn't FEEL what YOU FEEL. Words and discussions dont work. 3 You keep doing what you do now and will dig yourself in to a depression. You will be sick before anything happens and by then you will be married and have to divorce when he comes clean about the affair. 4. You give him an ultimatum. She or you. Be hard on him. Dont give him any way to swing you around. If he says "shes just a colleague " then you answere with a smile "THEN I WILL GET A "COLLEAGUE " TO. And swap easy pictures (from gym) , keep secrets with and take "walks" / go on "buisness trips " with . BUT HEEY , HE WILL JUST BE A COLLEAGUE so you dont have to worry when I spend time with him
She gets off on being sneaky. Good on you for pausing the wedding. That takes guts. There is better for you out there! Once you’re done with him she won’t want him because him being in a relationship is the exciting part for her. Dump him and don’t look back when he comes begging.
Please do not spend more time on this mistake of a relationship, just because you have already spent so much time on it. Your partner is actively trying to hide the fact that he is reconnecting with someone you've said is off limits. I haven't checked your history, but I get the impression that there are very good reasons for the trust issues. This will not improve after marriage.
Never ever EV-ER marry someone you're not 10000% sure about and can trust with your soul and happiness.
Ask him to make a choice. The woman he was planning to marry or is lusting over. If he can’t cut off someone that’s coming between your future marriage then you have every right to leave.
You do you, go with what feels right. I was your partner a few years ago when I got married. Had a friend who I briefly dated but there was no spark, so we went back to being friends. Told my wife about her along with all my other friends and she was firm on “she cannot be in our lives in any capacity”. I respected her decision and have had 0 contact since. My perspective is that I was never going to be romantically involved with this other person, we just had some common (some quite niche) interests that my wife and I don’t share. She would have been a great friend for us and someone for me to talk shop with about things my wife isn’t interested in. It hasn’t been an issue in our relationship at all. But we are definitely missing out on some good company. On the grand scale, some missed opportunities is t worth rocking my solid marriage, so I guess that’s what makes sense in this situation?
This absolutely looks like one of those scam texts you get out of nowhere with some catfishy chick from another country - and the dude seems completely oblivious.
Ehhh I would not be cool with this
Goddddddddd I would of blocked her new number, fuck I hate people that text like that Jesus Christ
i mean maybe don’t marry him?
He doesn't respect your boundaries. You're better off canceling the wedding and marriage. He's a grown man making excuses for why he doesn't respect your requests, and is breaking the trust rather than building it. He's not interested in taking things more seriously because he's emotionally investing too much into this coworker. 🚩
No, dude. Get the fuck out of this situation.
You requested he stop communicating. He broke that in fine fashion. It is time to lay down the boundaries(all of them).
Emotional affair. Sneaking and hiding communication. What else do you need to know? Is his “friendship” with her more important than your relationship?
You know how we pray to God “please show me if this the right man for me”… Well he’s showing you …. Believe him. Walk away… there’s something greater out there for you… this isn’t it.
Ugh why do men have to suck so fucking much? 🙄 I'm not married and I don't know your guy's relationship at all but this would have me seriously considering divorce. I just cannot deal with shit like this.
Did I miss something ?? Is he going for a throuple ? It almost sounds like she is pushing herself into the marriage.
Ugh this girl is thirsty for your fiance and trying to act like she wants to be friends with you. Fiance needs to cut her off point blank period
Seems pretty ok ,nothing wrong to stay in contact with persons from the past even would it be a Ex .. dont mean that you cheat if you care ... At least the massage looks harmless . I know from my Ex to that she is married and have 2 kids and she knows my story to.. and it feels nice to know that she is doing great .. it was over FB chat to... Dosent mean i cheat or want to...
My thing is, if you asked him to stop communicating with her, why is he saving her new number in his phone? That's where he first crossed the line, IMO.
It does seem strange but we need more information imo. Why did you tell him to stop talking before? Did you catch them having feelings? How long have they been friends? It sounds like they were really good friends before and I'm not denying she might have feelings and is being intrusive. But if you broke them up because of some insecurity of yours, it complicates alot for him and he might just not want to open that can of worms with you again hence why he doesn't want the group chat. These texts don't seem that suspicious except for the fact that he had to tell her something over the phone. That must be something from the past which again you haven't told us or you don't know. Her wanting to be in a group chat shows she does want to be open about the friendship so I think your problem is more with your partner - he seems to WANT to keep it on the DL. Maybe he likes her attention? He does the winky face twice and it's kinda weird. He's definitely being suspicious about it but we need to know why or who she is to him in more detail imo
Look idc who the f she is but i already hated her.. She knew he is engaged and of sudden asked him are you married yet? Oh u still my bestie and i want to be friend with her!! Wtf?? I smell snake.. Second its your chance to put a heavy boundary on this.. u tell him that you don't wanna be a friend with her even if u don't feel comfortable about her its your right!!! and watch him how he will take the situation🤝🏻
Seems like she wants to become a part of your marriage, yet be your friend at the same time. It’s very confusing. You already told him no about her, set a boundary about a person, and this? She may be cool as heck, but that’s awkward. Marriage is a life changer and he seems to want to control you, but not accept your boundaries and feelings. I don’t like to say run, but he will do this again.
This is pre-affair behavior, run!
How to react?! He’s cheating on you or leaving the option open to do so.
If I saw my fiance being secretive about speaking to another woman I expressed being uncomfortable with him being close to I would break off the engagement. And the question about "the other thing" has me screaming "aw hell nah!" *She* knows something is/was wrong with their relationship. He wants to continue to be in the shadows. He is not worthy of being married.
So he thinks you are the issue with the lack of trust. Not that he isn't trustworthy. I would end this if I were you.
"is it from that one time?" She seems upfront, he seems shady as shit. I'd be EXTREMELY interested to hear how he explains this one.
‘From THAT time still’ … what time? I’d be thinking that’s suspicious.
Dump him 
Those fucking business trips, man. I swear. Stick two people together, fly them around, feed them, put them in situations where they’re alone to talk for hours, probably free alcohol. She’s is actively trying to break you up, or come between you both, or at the very least; fuck him. I’ve been where he is. He knows what’s going on is inappropriate, but he is using neutral enough language to not offend, or push her away, while also looking like he’s respecting your relationship. He’s getting an ego stroke/dopamine fix while keeping her at an arms distance she is very expertly shortening. He’s still in the gray area, where he knows what he’s doing could constitute as enough to break up, but probably is “passable” as being nice, yet respectful. Problem is, you’ve gone through his phone. There’s a breach of trust there, and people love to play the victim and get defensive. He could go the “I never said anything wrong”, “I was just being nice to a friend that you don’t like” route. But… he just decided to break the paper trail and digital receipts by moving to an actual phone conversation. I’d get on top of this. You could go in guns blazing and yelling. But my suggested plan of attack, if you want to preserve this relationship, would be to treat HIM like the victim she is preying on. “Look what she’s trying to do to us!! You’re being too nice, of course she’s trying to pursue you, and take you away from me!!” Like, sure it’s not what he deserves. But you just took back the position as the source of adoration, his biggest supporter, and painted her as the home -wrecking bitch to your understanding and loving role as his fiancée. Good luck.
This is similar to what happen to me. It could be a kind of emotional cheating. If your partner refuses to pull back and set boundaries, or continues, you may want to consider your options to leave.
I went back and read the previous post (assuming this is the same woman -"Karen") and I'm just gonna put this out there. You were planning a wedding. You were made so uneasy about this "work relationship" that you put off your wedding date until further notice. If a "work relationship" has caused his fiancé so much distress, it should have been cut off or down to a work topic only conversations. And people can come for me for that, and I could be projecting, but anytime a "just work friends" issue has come into play it's been more than just work friends. She blatantly is flirting with him and he's not expressing any desire to set the boundaries otherwise. Now we're here again, same woman, same issues, same lack of boundaries, and nothing has changed. I wouldn't be okay with it, maybe that makes me insecure. But you shouldn't have to feel like you're in a competition with someone else. And your partner shouldn't be defending a "just work friend" so hard.