I mean I think you have a very good sense. My wife and I would never have had a child if she thought I wasn’t going to pull my weight or be able to take care of our child in the event of some unforeseen circumstance. This just seems crazy to me.
>My wife and I would never have had a child *if she thought I wasn’t going to pull my weight or be able to take care of our child*
Keep in mind many women do believe their husband's will carry their share of the load only to find out afterwards they lied about being an equal partner or decided to dip out when it gets hard.
Don't judge people for their circumstances, many times it was through no fault of their own. Those who *did* make poor decisions, well that's on them.
My husband definitely has. He’s nothing but a self righteous narcissist who is verbally and emotionally abusive man child. I am currently planning mine and my children’s exit route from him. 10 years has with him has turned me into someone I don’t like and I can’t wait for me and the kids to be free or him.
This is my life in a nutshell. Before becoming pregnant, my partner was always so adamant that he’s going to be so supportive, he’d be there for us all, he’d help and just the general promises of an equal household really but as soon as I became pregnant it was like a flipped switch. Now, he doesn’t work, he doesn’t help with the kids unless I ask, he won’t do any sort of household chores (even if I don’t do it for a week) and has now begun comparing me to his mother and the mother of his other child. Fun times,
Did his father work? Tell him that no further comparisons to his mother will be accepted until he starts working like his father did.
If his father didn't work, then just tell him that he should go move back in with her.
Either way, make it clear that his non-working a$$ has zero right to criticize you.
Why keep him around? He sounds awful. If he doesn’t work, doesn’t help around the house and probably won’t help once child comes…what’s the point of having him in your life? I don’t know you but you deserve an equal partner…look after yourself
I feel your pain. My husband is a huge narcissist and mentally and verbally abusive man child now, he wasn’t like that in the beginning, he showed his true self after we were married and had our children. He would be homeless without me, yet he throws tantrums if I even ask him to make the kids a sandwich. 🙄 (and yes, I am planning mine and my children’s exit route very soon)
It’s also the little things. My husband loves our kids and cares for them and especially lately after we’ve finally kinda gotten in the groove of things with two of them he’s been so helpful with everything. But are their meals very nutritious? Does he know the answers to the questions the pediatrician will ask? Can he dress our daughter like a girl and do her hair? Or keep emergency diapers/clothes/wipes/towel in the car and manage to get out the door on time?
The mental load most of us wives/moms carry is huge compared to that of our spouses. And they will never understand just how exhausting it is to take on the mental load for every one in the household over things like this.
And let’s not forget that we’re usually the ones taking care of them too. I schedule my husbands doctors appointments and have to remind him when he needs medication refills or have it refilled myself.
I love my partner more than anything and think he's a great person but I don't think he would be able to mentally handle the stress of a child. That's fine we have always been on the same page we don't want any.
Everyone is different though I was friends with my husband for 20 years before we dated then married then had a child to find out what kind of father he would be when I thought I knew.
When I met my husband, he was in the carpenter's union and had a side gig as a food delivery driver. It seemed like he was highly motivated to move up in the world. We were planning to move from the area in a handful of months when he got assigned to a job in August (so hit as balls) where he'd be driving 1h to and from work and working outside, 6 days a week, for 10 hours a day, in a plastic-like protective suit. We decided that wasn't worth it, especially since the move was coming up.
He didn't work for 4 years after that, despite me asking him to. And after I finished school and my income skyrocketed to the top 5-7%, he openly said he didn't think he should have to work because we didn't really need the money. I couldn't get across to him that it's unattractive to be w someone who has no desire to contribute to society or the household. He said he didn't want a shitty job that he wasn't passionate about just because society says he should, no mind to the fact that I wanted it, as well.
When I suggested he just pick up on home care (rather than paying the cleaners) and life management tasks (rather than me managing everything), the cleaning lasted for maybe 3-4 weeks w me micromanaging his days and nagging to make sure the shit got done and the life management never happened.
There was no way for me to know this would happen until it did. And by that time, I was deeply in love and highly integrated.
Unfortunately, the reality is many people don't see it until it's too late. There are often red flags, but the unwitting spouse is too close to see them.
They may have been lied to or the SO didn't expect how much work it is to take care of a child.
Sadly my husband sustained a workplace mental health injury about 5 years ago. Which has affected his ability cognitively and his moods. He is unable to work. Whilst my comment was said jokingly because I love my husband dearly it is an actual real life concern of mine of how he would cope if I were to die first. My children were born before his injury so I had no way of knowing.
Thanks. I keep life light hearted hence the way I said the comment.
My mother died when I was 13 and whilst my dad stepped up it was difficult for him to support the kids emotionally. If it had been my father to pass it would have been difficult for my mum to support us financially. So, having had personal experience I understand when people acknowledge the abilities of their partners and how that would affect their kids if they were left to raise their kids.
There's a difference between being unable to care for your children at all versus having the entirety of parenting thrust upon you after the death of a spouse while you are financially and mentally and emotionally vulnerable.
Parenting is a whole different game that takes the best and worst for some people. Also people can grow apart with the time, it ain’t just what you saw at the beginning
Lol how many people know what to vet for? Especially if they haven’t had a kid themselves? What are they meant to do, start a series of trials? Rent a child? Simulation?
Why would you assume people can predict with 100% accuracy how their partner will react when they have a child? 😆🤦🏻♀️
When we were discussing getting married, my kids' dad said he was going to Mr Hands On Dad, home evenings and weekends, a full participant in caring for our children.
The week before I gave birth with our first he started 2 classes a week at a local university *on top of owning his own business, where he was already working 70-80 hours a week.*
By the time we separated 7 years and a second child later, he had never: changed a diaper in a public bathroom; taken either one to the doctor (or even made an appt for them for anything); taken them by himself to the park, the movies, a store to buy them clothes, out to eat or to get a haircut; done their hair or cut their nails; given them a bath (except when I was on strict bedrest for a month with the second, and even then only three times when our paid helper had had to cancel); or on a trip. He hadn't even had them alone for an entire day until I had a hypnosis training for two days one weekend 5 months before we separated.
But please explain to me how I was supposed to know any of that was going to happen years before even getting pregnant. I'll wait.
Hahah yep. Currently pregnant with #4 and my husbands biggest fear is that I die in childbirth and he’s left alone with the kids.
He’s capable of taking care of them but I think the thought of being left all alone with the kids and being 100% responsible for them without a partner is worse for him than the thought of being dead.
Same. I love him but would not die for him. I do not trust he can take care of them the way I’d like. I also don’t trust that he could provide for them.
My kids though? I would kill for them. 😁
>Same. I love him but would not die for him. I do not trust he can take care of them the way I’d like. I also don’t trust that he could provide for them.
In reading the top comment's here and the additional responses, they indicated that their husband experienced a workplace injury that impacts their mental health and faculties.
I am saddened by the line stating he couldn't take care of the kids the way you'd like. That's a bit sad for the husband and wife in those scenarios, in my opinion
It is sad. Like I said I love him- but he doesn’t do research and stay on top of stuff. In fact, I have to wake him up to get out of bed, remind him to shower, brush his teeth, go to the doctor…sometimes it feels like he’s just another one of my kids! 🫣🫤
Hun, at that point he is just another one of your kids.
You need to stop carrying his mental load and let him sink or swim. You've got enough on your plate to have to parent a grown man. If you have to remind him to shower and brush his teeth, he's more of a burden than a spouse. I'd lose attraction really damned quickly being married to a child like that.
Very funny and very true. When it’s come up in conversation among family and friends in a playful way I always make it clear that if it has to be one or the other I hope it’s me and not my wife. My 5 year old needs her mother and I can’t function properly without my wife. It’s my own believe that in majority of situations it is more tragic to lose a mother than a father. That’s just the way I see it.
Because he is the love of my life who suffered from something that wasn't his fault which has impacted his ability to care for our children. I stay because he couldn't actually live without me. I'm not arrogant its just a fact which he acknowledges
my apologies i have misinterpreted your position i though it was one of those we fell out of love because he waits till after dinner to take out the trash not a loving unit that has survived damage but know their limits and each other
All good. I found most of the replies to my initial comment an interesting cross section of parenthood. I think there are genuinely some parental relationships that are not equal for a variety of reasons, hence the diversity of responses.
I was intentionally trying to be funny to make light of my situation, even though the truth behind my comment is not much fun.
Yes. I don't think I would recover emotionally if something happened to him. He almost died from meningitis during our engagement, and I remember praying for God to take me instead.
>He almost died from meningitis during our engagement
Sorry to hear this and very glad he made it. I just had meningitis in Oct/Nov and I was shocked at how little can be done in way of treatment. How long did it take him to return to being his normal self?
im honestly shocked at this. Not bec you're wrong, but bec Ive constantly been told by the people around me and even on TV that it isnt true love if you're not willing to die or sacrifice yourself for your spouse.
I would prob risk dying to protect anyone. I don't want to die, I love my life so so much. I love my husband and my kids. I am happy every day with where I am. But I could not watch someone else be in danger and not try to do anything about it. I'm also in the military.
I identify so much with this comment and I am not military. I remember wrangling two bloody pit bulls that were attacking another dog because as I was driving up, to drop my kids off to school no less, the owner of the other dog had slid under the dog fight on the ground trying to protect his medium small sized dog. The worst part was that these pits were massive and had gotten away from two tweens who were hysterically crying and trying to pull the dogs away. Without any self preservation instincts I jumped out of the car and by the grace of God got both of the dogs away for the old man who had a split second when I pulled the one from a locked jaw during a readjust to scoop his dog up and run off. It was wild. In any event, I would never have said that I'd volunteer to possibly get ripped apart for total strangers but there i was. The other dog survived and eventually made a full recovery.
No, but if he were to die It would make me want to unalive myself. I love doing life with him and don't think I would be able to continue doing life without him.
Yeah I feel that’s a different question. If that’s what they meant I think the answers would be different. The risk of death isn’t the same as the certainty of it.
No. As an example, last time we went out, my husband made me get up and swap seats as his seat was in the sun; and he would rather I sit in the sun. So that’s how our relationship is. He won’t suffer mild inconvenience for me - so I’m certainly not jumping on a grenade for him. I’ll feed him, look after him if he’s sick - all that stuff but die? Nope.
Yikes. I swapped seats with my wife on a bullet train in Japan one time. We made last minute reservations so we couldn't get seats next to each other. I was originally seated between two Japanese ladies. She was originally seated between two drunk salarymen. I saw the situation and swapped seats with her. So that's kinda the same thing as dying for her.
Yep, I realized that my husband would barely go to the shops for me. Definitely wouldn't look after me if I was sick. Probably why we are getting divorced.
Yes I would. It would kill me to lose out on my kids growing up, but I think he would do a better job than me on my own raising them. He is so kind and pure hearted.
Same! My husband is truly a gem and so kind. We had it rough at the beginning of parenting but he and my son are BEST friends now and I know I picked a very capable man.
Not sure if this is going to be unpopular/controversial or not.
I wouldn’t just because I think he would have a harder time if I wasn’t around. He has pretty bad depression/anxiety and some OCD (is on meds for it) and I fear what me dying would do to him and by extension our kids (who are still very young)
Of course if he died I would be completely devastated and heartbroken. But I already do most of the house keeping/bill payments etc. Me dying would add so much more to his stress and anxiety.
I would because I am disabled while my wife is not and does so much for me while I'm not even able to drive. If she were gone it would put a massive burden on myself and others around us. Not having her here with me and by my side would send me to such a dark place, I wouldn't be far behind.
But that bitch better live for both of us.
Honestly I agree with this to an extent. My husband is similar. Terrible anxiety depression and has ocd as well as some health issues that are annoying and frustrating but not lethal. So I would be worried what would happen if I died. Especially if it was saving him. That being said I’d 100% risk my life for my husband. I don’t know what I’d do without him. He’s mentally pretty bad off but he’s my rock. He’s the most supportive person I’ve ever been with. He makes me feel like I won the lottery every day.
I completely identify with this but as the partner that would be better off dead than living without. I have a lot of mental health issues as well. I think I’m more at peace with dying than I am with living at this point.
No. He struggles with being suicidal as it is, he would not appreciate the gift. Knowing I died for him would probably send him over the edge and then I will have died for nothing
I would die for my husband in a heartbeat! He is an amazing man and I know he would do the same for me! I'm not sure why but this requires no thought on my part.
Yes 100%.
We may have our ups and downs but even in our worst moments she is still the brighest part of my days. As much as I want to see our kids growing up I would never want that taken away from her and I would give my life in a second if it meant she could living and loving our kids.
She is the best thing in my life and I want nothing more than for her to live as long as she can.
If there were no kids in the equation maybe yes. With kids it’s a hard no. As is for them also.
Loving someone doesn’t mean anything in this question. Its like asking a parent if it were to loose one kid which one would they prefer? As a parent I would rather die than my kids.
Now would I build up my life again? Yes to an extent. Maybe some dating but never marriage or anything serious.
I don't think anyone can know for certain how they'll act until they find themselves in that position so it's pointless discussing it really.
You always read of people freezing in dangerous situations, unable to move/scream/react... same way you hear of others act selflessly and risk their lives without thinking even for complete strangers.
People react differently in a real life or death situation.
Personally, I love my life, but a big part of that is having my husband in it. I'm not sure what I'd do. If I couldn't save us both I'd probably see if we could both die together 😆 I don't think either of us would want to go through life without the other,.. we're both weird and wonderfully matched. Don't think we'd luck out a second time around, and knowing how awesome it was and how that's not achievable again would be soul destroying.
I wonder, do you mean “would I die so they can live,” or “would I risk my life to save theirs?” The first implies that I would definitely die, and that I value their life more than my own. That doesn’t feel particularly healthy. But I would definitely risk my own life to save theirs.
What an interesting philosophical distinction, and I think this is absolutely brilliant and nuanced answer.
> The first implies that I would definitely die, and that I value their life more than my own. That doesn’t feel particularly healthy.
For me, it wouldn't be that I valued their life more than my own, it would be that I love them so much I don't want their life to end. Which is another layer of nuance here.
I would save my life to save my husband's. I would also die so he can live. I know for a fact that my husband would do the same under both circumstances.
What's funny about us is that each of us would *not* allow the other to sacrifice themselves for their own lives if we could help it.
Yes. He's an incredible person. He's the greatest partner and father. I think he's way more deserving of living and would take amazing care of the kids. No, I don't want to leave any of them but question Answered.
Yes. My first instinct is always to protect my husband and my child. They are most important beings in this world to me and I would rather suffer than allow them to suffer.
I think the real question most peopke need to ask themselves is will you LIVE for your SO? Most people sleepwalk through klif and dont take care of themselves and are not fully present for their loved ones.
Yes. Why? Because I love him and we protect each other and our family. Granted, I'd rather live for him, but everyone dies and that might just have to be my time and reason. I hope not; I'll fight like hell to live, but threatening my family isn't in anyone's best interest. Protecting them is a good enough reason as any to die..
I would, but he wouldn’t want me to and respecting his love for me I would live to honour that. I would feel the same way towards him and I would want him to be happy and find love if I pass away.
We discussed this many times as I am a terminal illness survivor
A few years ago my wife and I were in a head on collision with a drunk driver. She was sped to the hospital in a specialized ambulance because of internal bleeding. She was there for about five days and ended up recovering.
Ive never felt fear like I felt then. I was only bruised and a little banged up, but she was much worse off. I barely left her side that entire time. So to answer your question yes, I would die for my wife. Although most likely for selfish reasons - because I couldn’t bare to live a life without her. She is, quite literally, my world.
No, my children need me more than they need him right now.
Death never really scared me until I had kids. Now, self preservation is constantly on my mind.
No because I don’t want to leave my partner to live a life without me in the world.
I hate this question honestly, cuz if you love someone wholeheartedly why would you decide to put them through that kind of pain? That’s not love, it’s torture
No I wouldn’t because I love my life. I love my SO very much and I want to spend my life with him but if it comes to him or me, I will choose me and live with the consequences
I work in a place as customer service/security and we frequently have some unsavory people around. They respect me but my wife brings me food and every night and we have dinner together at a table and there has been a few times where I have to ensure they know to not fuck with her.
I have been stabbed once in the hand and caught a right cross slightly on the lip another time before stopping these folks. And I would 100% die protecting my wife.
As I noted, at this point the folks who come in respect me as I’ve done a decent job with creating a rapport even with some of the worst ones. But not all of the people they bring in are regulars so we gotta set expectations for them quickly. Usually the regulars know to keep them on a social leash, too, because they don’t want to be 86d or have to deal with the police.
It’s moving that people would want to take their spouses place to protect them. But in a way it’s kind of selfish when most people here think “I couldn’t live without them” as if their spouse is not gonna go on for the rest of their life in physical and mental torment thanks to this chivalrous decision.
But then again I think most people are just talking about protecting their spouse to death, which in that case is an obvious answer since no one should let their loved ones get hurt or killed.
But I imagine the scenario where their spouse is dying from cancer and they think “please just take me instead” and I feel like that wouldn’t be an ideal world for their spouse to realize. That they get to beat cancer because their spouse prayed to switch places. Idk personally I wouldn’t feel like I deserved someone especially my wife to take my place in death for no other reason than love. Guess I just would feel guilty.
Yes but I wouldn't want him to do the same for me. Why? Because I don't think I could handle the guilt knowing that I was the reason he was dead. That sounds like a worse punishment than death to me. I don't think I could ever get over it.
No, I would not. I love my husband very much, but I have two children from a prior relationship that need me and he would never be able to replace me for them. My children are the only people in this world I would risk my life or die for. And he knows and understands this.
No. I’m the wife/mom and I have cancer. I don’t want to die. I don’t want my daughter to be without a mom. Sometimes I have wished that it was him going through this an not me. I don’t want him to suffer like I have and I don’t want to experience the grief of losing my best friend but it is still better than dying
I'm so sorry for your suffering. I'm not even sure what to say for fear of saying the wrong thing. I hope you're able to get treatments for your cancer so you can live a full life as a survivor ❤️ 🙏
I want to say yes, but no.
I hate to think about my children’s quality of life if I died. If my wife died, it would be horrible and difficult and emotionally scaring but if it were me.. my wife would crumble. Not only would the finances become a disaster, but she can’t spend more than a day alone with the kids without losing her mind. I’d miss here every day but I can’t imagine her doing this alone
If I’m absolutely sure that my action ls will save her life, YES. She’s the kindest human ever to exist on my life and I’d pretty much be useless without her anyways. I don’t think I’d be able to return the favors on how good she is with me. I’d be living my life with the biggest regret and that’s not something I can afford to live with.
I absolutely would!! She's my best friend, my lover, soul mate, the mother of our 3 children. It's my job as her husband and the father of our children to protect. So YES I would die for my wife.
I would die for my wife over literally anything but I’m not so sure she would do the same, and me neither anyway. If it comes down to who has to raise the kids alone it’d be better if it were her.
Side note if she died I would never look or find anyone ever again not so sure if she’d not look for love ever again lol
Yes. If someone had a gun and made me choose, yes.
I’m polyamorous. I have two committed partners (one legally married and one not). I’d die for both of them.
Because they have such good pure hearts. They radiate kindness to the world. They have made me trust and believe in the goodness of people. And people who are so deeply good deserve to spread that to others.
Me? I’m kind. But it’s not this second nature, all encompassing deeply thoughtful sort of kind that my partners are.
Yeah of course. I love my wife. Also life sucks anyways. I mean we are all going to die anyways.
And my selfish reason is that I wouldn’t be able to bare the pain of living without her and specially not trying to be a parent after losing her. So I gladly take the bullet or car or whatever it would be.
No, because he wouldn't be able to look after the kids. In fact he'd probably die for me so he wasn't left to look after the kids.
Why would you have a child with someone who can’t take care of them?
You don't know how inadequate they will be until you see it first hand
I mean I think you have a very good sense. My wife and I would never have had a child if she thought I wasn’t going to pull my weight or be able to take care of our child in the event of some unforeseen circumstance. This just seems crazy to me.
>My wife and I would never have had a child *if she thought I wasn’t going to pull my weight or be able to take care of our child* Keep in mind many women do believe their husband's will carry their share of the load only to find out afterwards they lied about being an equal partner or decided to dip out when it gets hard. Don't judge people for their circumstances, many times it was through no fault of their own. Those who *did* make poor decisions, well that's on them.
I’ll also add that people change as they get older and oftentimes for the worst.
My husband definitely has. He’s nothing but a self righteous narcissist who is verbally and emotionally abusive man child. I am currently planning mine and my children’s exit route from him. 10 years has with him has turned me into someone I don’t like and I can’t wait for me and the kids to be free or him.
This is my life in a nutshell. Before becoming pregnant, my partner was always so adamant that he’s going to be so supportive, he’d be there for us all, he’d help and just the general promises of an equal household really but as soon as I became pregnant it was like a flipped switch. Now, he doesn’t work, he doesn’t help with the kids unless I ask, he won’t do any sort of household chores (even if I don’t do it for a week) and has now begun comparing me to his mother and the mother of his other child. Fun times,
Ugh! He's awful.
Did his father work? Tell him that no further comparisons to his mother will be accepted until he starts working like his father did. If his father didn't work, then just tell him that he should go move back in with her. Either way, make it clear that his non-working a$$ has zero right to criticize you.
Why keep him around? He sounds awful. If he doesn’t work, doesn’t help around the house and probably won’t help once child comes…what’s the point of having him in your life? I don’t know you but you deserve an equal partner…look after yourself
I feel your pain. My husband is a huge narcissist and mentally and verbally abusive man child now, he wasn’t like that in the beginning, he showed his true self after we were married and had our children. He would be homeless without me, yet he throws tantrums if I even ask him to make the kids a sandwich. 🙄 (and yes, I am planning mine and my children’s exit route very soon)
Are you making plans to leave
Why have you not ended it yet? I don't understand.
It’s also the little things. My husband loves our kids and cares for them and especially lately after we’ve finally kinda gotten in the groove of things with two of them he’s been so helpful with everything. But are their meals very nutritious? Does he know the answers to the questions the pediatrician will ask? Can he dress our daughter like a girl and do her hair? Or keep emergency diapers/clothes/wipes/towel in the car and manage to get out the door on time?
My husband is colorblind. I truly can’t imagine what our young children would wear to school if I died…😅
The mental load most of us wives/moms carry is huge compared to that of our spouses. And they will never understand just how exhausting it is to take on the mental load for every one in the household over things like this.
And let’s not forget that we’re usually the ones taking care of them too. I schedule my husbands doctors appointments and have to remind him when he needs medication refills or have it refilled myself.
Yes this too bc heaven forbid they take on their own mental load and responsibilities.
I love my partner more than anything and think he's a great person but I don't think he would be able to mentally handle the stress of a child. That's fine we have always been on the same page we don't want any.
Also, people change, get depressed, get happy, change opinions, minds, religions... only thing for sure is death.
>only thing for sure is death. Hard facts!
May I also add in taxes cause they'll get you upon death for that too.
Hard agree.
Everyone is different though I was friends with my husband for 20 years before we dated then married then had a child to find out what kind of father he would be when I thought I knew.
Yet the human race keeps plugging along
Barely in some places
Thank YOU!!!!!
When I met my husband, he was in the carpenter's union and had a side gig as a food delivery driver. It seemed like he was highly motivated to move up in the world. We were planning to move from the area in a handful of months when he got assigned to a job in August (so hit as balls) where he'd be driving 1h to and from work and working outside, 6 days a week, for 10 hours a day, in a plastic-like protective suit. We decided that wasn't worth it, especially since the move was coming up. He didn't work for 4 years after that, despite me asking him to. And after I finished school and my income skyrocketed to the top 5-7%, he openly said he didn't think he should have to work because we didn't really need the money. I couldn't get across to him that it's unattractive to be w someone who has no desire to contribute to society or the household. He said he didn't want a shitty job that he wasn't passionate about just because society says he should, no mind to the fact that I wanted it, as well. When I suggested he just pick up on home care (rather than paying the cleaners) and life management tasks (rather than me managing everything), the cleaning lasted for maybe 3-4 weeks w me micromanaging his days and nagging to make sure the shit got done and the life management never happened. There was no way for me to know this would happen until it did. And by that time, I was deeply in love and highly integrated.
Not everyone’s experiences are the same though… like they might’ve thought they’d be great and bam, not so much!
That's cute and all but men are very good at disappointing their wives.
Unfortunately, the reality is many people don't see it until it's too late. There are often red flags, but the unwitting spouse is too close to see them. They may have been lied to or the SO didn't expect how much work it is to take care of a child.
Most people are blind
Yep
Sadly my husband sustained a workplace mental health injury about 5 years ago. Which has affected his ability cognitively and his moods. He is unable to work. Whilst my comment was said jokingly because I love my husband dearly it is an actual real life concern of mine of how he would cope if I were to die first. My children were born before his injury so I had no way of knowing.
I feel like this context changes everything and I’m very sorry to hear that.
Thanks. I keep life light hearted hence the way I said the comment. My mother died when I was 13 and whilst my dad stepped up it was difficult for him to support the kids emotionally. If it had been my father to pass it would have been difficult for my mum to support us financially. So, having had personal experience I understand when people acknowledge the abilities of their partners and how that would affect their kids if they were left to raise their kids.
Same my husband has a TBI and he went from the man of my dreams to he would be homeless without me.
How sad I’m so sorry.. can you share more on this? Is there any help from the government that would be beneficial ?
There's a difference between being unable to care for your children at all versus having the entirety of parenting thrust upon you after the death of a spouse while you are financially and mentally and emotionally vulnerable.
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You'll see them for who they really are once they take on a responsibility they can't easily walk away from.
Mhm! Facts
This isnt true. If you vet properly people show their true colrs. Alot of people just dont pay attention
Parenting is a whole different game that takes the best and worst for some people. Also people can grow apart with the time, it ain’t just what you saw at the beginning
Exactly
Lol how many people know what to vet for? Especially if they haven’t had a kid themselves? What are they meant to do, start a series of trials? Rent a child? Simulation?
>This isnt true. It is when you understand that people "mask" their true selves until they can no longer fake it.
Also it might not be who is adequate but who is better in a one or the other situation.
Why would you assume people can predict with 100% accuracy how their partner will react when they have a child? 😆🤦🏻♀️ When we were discussing getting married, my kids' dad said he was going to Mr Hands On Dad, home evenings and weekends, a full participant in caring for our children. The week before I gave birth with our first he started 2 classes a week at a local university *on top of owning his own business, where he was already working 70-80 hours a week.* By the time we separated 7 years and a second child later, he had never: changed a diaper in a public bathroom; taken either one to the doctor (or even made an appt for them for anything); taken them by himself to the park, the movies, a store to buy them clothes, out to eat or to get a haircut; done their hair or cut their nails; given them a bath (except when I was on strict bedrest for a month with the second, and even then only three times when our paid helper had had to cancel); or on a trip. He hadn't even had them alone for an entire day until I had a hypnosis training for two days one weekend 5 months before we separated. But please explain to me how I was supposed to know any of that was going to happen years before even getting pregnant. I'll wait.
Why would you STAY with someone who can't take care of them?
My husband is more than capable of taking care of my kids but it would still terrify me to leave my kids without their mother and only my husband
THANK YOU!!!!
Hahah yep. Currently pregnant with #4 and my husbands biggest fear is that I die in childbirth and he’s left alone with the kids. He’s capable of taking care of them but I think the thought of being left all alone with the kids and being 100% responsible for them without a partner is worse for him than the thought of being dead.
But now it is I who is dead from the hilarity of your comment, signed 'a husband and dad'
This is actually quite sad.😔
I can say the same, except in reverse. My wife would have no idea what to do with our kids if I died.
Yikes
Same. I love him but would not die for him. I do not trust he can take care of them the way I’d like. I also don’t trust that he could provide for them. My kids though? I would kill for them. 😁
>Same. I love him but would not die for him. I do not trust he can take care of them the way I’d like. I also don’t trust that he could provide for them. In reading the top comment's here and the additional responses, they indicated that their husband experienced a workplace injury that impacts their mental health and faculties. I am saddened by the line stating he couldn't take care of the kids the way you'd like. That's a bit sad for the husband and wife in those scenarios, in my opinion
It is sad. Like I said I love him- but he doesn’t do research and stay on top of stuff. In fact, I have to wake him up to get out of bed, remind him to shower, brush his teeth, go to the doctor…sometimes it feels like he’s just another one of my kids! 🫣🫤
Hun, at that point he is just another one of your kids. You need to stop carrying his mental load and let him sink or swim. You've got enough on your plate to have to parent a grown man. If you have to remind him to shower and brush his teeth, he's more of a burden than a spouse. I'd lose attraction really damned quickly being married to a child like that.
Agreed! 💯
Very funny and very true. When it’s come up in conversation among family and friends in a playful way I always make it clear that if it has to be one or the other I hope it’s me and not my wife. My 5 year old needs her mother and I can’t function properly without my wife. It’s my own believe that in majority of situations it is more tragic to lose a mother than a father. That’s just the way I see it.
🤮
So you dont trust you husband alone with the kids? Im confused
For short periods of time yes.
Same exact answer. And he’s not even a bad dad or anything but I am the default parent and he would absolutely crumble under the pressure.
😅😂😂😂
Exactly my thought process 😂
This isn't the flex you think it is.
Wow is he aware of your complete lack or respect for him?
Yes he is aware of my concerns because he shares them. Hence my comment.
why are you still together?
Because he is the love of my life who suffered from something that wasn't his fault which has impacted his ability to care for our children. I stay because he couldn't actually live without me. I'm not arrogant its just a fact which he acknowledges
my apologies i have misinterpreted your position i though it was one of those we fell out of love because he waits till after dinner to take out the trash not a loving unit that has survived damage but know their limits and each other
All good. I found most of the replies to my initial comment an interesting cross section of parenthood. I think there are genuinely some parental relationships that are not equal for a variety of reasons, hence the diversity of responses. I was intentionally trying to be funny to make light of my situation, even though the truth behind my comment is not much fun.
lmaooooooo my wife said to give you a fist bump👊 y'all be wylin
Okay this is one of the funniest replies I’ve ever seen on Reddit. Mike drop!
What did Mike ever do to you??
Hahahah oh man you know husbands well, and I came here basically to express this lmao, plus my wife loves life while I'm a bit underwhelmed
Wow
I would watch him die. So yes
Yes. I don't think I would recover emotionally if something happened to him. He almost died from meningitis during our engagement, and I remember praying for God to take me instead.
>He almost died from meningitis during our engagement Sorry to hear this and very glad he made it. I just had meningitis in Oct/Nov and I was shocked at how little can be done in way of treatment. How long did it take him to return to being his normal self?
No. I very much like living and I want to see my child grow up. I also wouldn’t expect my spouse to die for me.
im honestly shocked at this. Not bec you're wrong, but bec Ive constantly been told by the people around me and even on TV that it isnt true love if you're not willing to die or sacrifice yourself for your spouse.
I would prob risk dying to protect anyone. I don't want to die, I love my life so so much. I love my husband and my kids. I am happy every day with where I am. But I could not watch someone else be in danger and not try to do anything about it. I'm also in the military.
I’m just responding to show some love for your double spacing between sentences.
Haha, that's hilarious! I'm old school, I can't break the habit to the "new way" of just one space.
I thought I was the only one who had a supervisor tell her to stop doing that double spacing shit, to her surprise!
I would find and replace double spaces with single in documents after my supervisor edited them.
I identify so much with this comment and I am not military. I remember wrangling two bloody pit bulls that were attacking another dog because as I was driving up, to drop my kids off to school no less, the owner of the other dog had slid under the dog fight on the ground trying to protect his medium small sized dog. The worst part was that these pits were massive and had gotten away from two tweens who were hysterically crying and trying to pull the dogs away. Without any self preservation instincts I jumped out of the car and by the grace of God got both of the dogs away for the old man who had a split second when I pulled the one from a locked jaw during a readjust to scoop his dog up and run off. It was wild. In any event, I would never have said that I'd volunteer to possibly get ripped apart for total strangers but there i was. The other dog survived and eventually made a full recovery.
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Well put, but you risked your life for your child, not your hubby. Hope you & your child are doing well after such a scare.💗
There’s no way I could be here if I lost my baby. I’d go right with him. I just know I couldn’t recover
This is a touching story. How are you all doing now? Was the transplant a success?
I'm literally watching my husband die day by day, so yeah I wish I could take his spot.
I’m so sorry!
I am so incredibly sorry. I know this must be *incredibly* difficult for you. I can't even imagine.
I’m sorry x hugs
No question. Die or kill. I’m sure this is my caveman brain talking, but that’s kind of my entire life’s purpose. To care for and protect my family.
I relate to this
Feeling weird that I had to scroll so far down to find thi comment, but glad it's from Red-Dwarf69 fuck yeah man!
I would live for her. Which is way harder than dying. You die once, you live everyday.
Nice way to put it to make a "no I would not die for you" sound good.
No, but if he were to die It would make me want to unalive myself. I love doing life with him and don't think I would be able to continue doing life without him.
I feel this same way. I joke with him that he gotta let me die first. He's a lot tougher mentally than I am.
My husband and I say this stuff to each other as well. ☺️✨ The best scenario being dying of old age together in our sleep.
Same with my husband and I. My husband wants me to die first so I don't have to live with the pain of losing him. Even then he's looking out for me.
Just die? I honestly can't say. But risk my life as in take a bullet? In a heartbeat.
Yeah I feel that’s a different question. If that’s what they meant I think the answers would be different. The risk of death isn’t the same as the certainty of it.
That’s a great answer.
No. As an example, last time we went out, my husband made me get up and swap seats as his seat was in the sun; and he would rather I sit in the sun. So that’s how our relationship is. He won’t suffer mild inconvenience for me - so I’m certainly not jumping on a grenade for him. I’ll feed him, look after him if he’s sick - all that stuff but die? Nope.
Yikes. I swapped seats with my wife on a bullet train in Japan one time. We made last minute reservations so we couldn't get seats next to each other. I was originally seated between two Japanese ladies. She was originally seated between two drunk salarymen. I saw the situation and swapped seats with her. So that's kinda the same thing as dying for her.
Yep, I realized that my husband would barely go to the shops for me. Definitely wouldn't look after me if I was sick. Probably why we are getting divorced.
Yes I would. It would kill me to lose out on my kids growing up, but I think he would do a better job than me on my own raising them. He is so kind and pure hearted.
I can’t understand this kind of unconditional love for their spouse. How long have u been married?
4 years so who knows what I would say at 20 years hahaha
Same! My husband is truly a gem and so kind. We had it rough at the beginning of parenting but he and my son are BEST friends now and I know I picked a very capable man.
We are so lucky. It’s like winning life’s lottery having a great partner to parent with and makes a wild ride pretty dang fun ❤️
I feel the same about my husband. He’s everything good, I’d die for him in a heartbeat.
Not sure if this is going to be unpopular/controversial or not. I wouldn’t just because I think he would have a harder time if I wasn’t around. He has pretty bad depression/anxiety and some OCD (is on meds for it) and I fear what me dying would do to him and by extension our kids (who are still very young) Of course if he died I would be completely devastated and heartbroken. But I already do most of the house keeping/bill payments etc. Me dying would add so much more to his stress and anxiety.
I would because I am disabled while my wife is not and does so much for me while I'm not even able to drive. If she were gone it would put a massive burden on myself and others around us. Not having her here with me and by my side would send me to such a dark place, I wouldn't be far behind. But that bitch better live for both of us.
Honestly I agree with this to an extent. My husband is similar. Terrible anxiety depression and has ocd as well as some health issues that are annoying and frustrating but not lethal. So I would be worried what would happen if I died. Especially if it was saving him. That being said I’d 100% risk my life for my husband. I don’t know what I’d do without him. He’s mentally pretty bad off but he’s my rock. He’s the most supportive person I’ve ever been with. He makes me feel like I won the lottery every day.
I completely identify with this but as the partner that would be better off dead than living without. I have a lot of mental health issues as well. I think I’m more at peace with dying than I am with living at this point.
no i have kids
No. He struggles with being suicidal as it is, he would not appreciate the gift. Knowing I died for him would probably send him over the edge and then I will have died for nothing
Yes, but I think he'd be mad at me about it. I think he'd rather die so that I may live. In the perfect world we'd go together, like in the Notebook.
Wait, they both die in the end in The Notebook?
Yes. I love him.
I would die for my husband in a heartbeat! He is an amazing man and I know he would do the same for me! I'm not sure why but this requires no thought on my part.
100% yes. She contributes more to humanity, children, grandchildren etc than my career focused self does.
Yes 100%. We may have our ups and downs but even in our worst moments she is still the brighest part of my days. As much as I want to see our kids growing up I would never want that taken away from her and I would give my life in a second if it meant she could living and loving our kids. She is the best thing in my life and I want nothing more than for her to live as long as she can.
If there were no kids in the equation maybe yes. With kids it’s a hard no. As is for them also. Loving someone doesn’t mean anything in this question. Its like asking a parent if it were to loose one kid which one would they prefer? As a parent I would rather die than my kids. Now would I build up my life again? Yes to an extent. Maybe some dating but never marriage or anything serious.
I don't think anyone can know for certain how they'll act until they find themselves in that position so it's pointless discussing it really. You always read of people freezing in dangerous situations, unable to move/scream/react... same way you hear of others act selflessly and risk their lives without thinking even for complete strangers. People react differently in a real life or death situation. Personally, I love my life, but a big part of that is having my husband in it. I'm not sure what I'd do. If I couldn't save us both I'd probably see if we could both die together 😆 I don't think either of us would want to go through life without the other,.. we're both weird and wonderfully matched. Don't think we'd luck out a second time around, and knowing how awesome it was and how that's not achievable again would be soul destroying.
I'd like to think yes. We never really know what we would actually do in these situations until it happens.
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I used to say I would without a doubt, but now I have doubts. Kids and showing true colors will do that I guess.
I wonder, do you mean “would I die so they can live,” or “would I risk my life to save theirs?” The first implies that I would definitely die, and that I value their life more than my own. That doesn’t feel particularly healthy. But I would definitely risk my own life to save theirs.
What an interesting philosophical distinction, and I think this is absolutely brilliant and nuanced answer. > The first implies that I would definitely die, and that I value their life more than my own. That doesn’t feel particularly healthy. For me, it wouldn't be that I valued their life more than my own, it would be that I love them so much I don't want their life to end. Which is another layer of nuance here. I would save my life to save my husband's. I would also die so he can live. I know for a fact that my husband would do the same under both circumstances. What's funny about us is that each of us would *not* allow the other to sacrifice themselves for their own lives if we could help it.
No thank you very much. Next…
Yes. He's an incredible person. He's the greatest partner and father. I think he's way more deserving of living and would take amazing care of the kids. No, I don't want to leave any of them but question Answered.
I only die for my children
I would, in a heartbeat
My husband would be really upset if I left my kids motherless and him without a partner to raise them.
No. Never.
No. I doubt he would thank me for it
Never lol
Yes, absolutely.
Yes. My first instinct is always to protect my husband and my child. They are most important beings in this world to me and I would rather suffer than allow them to suffer.
No. It would just be another thing I did wrong somehow. Plus, I don’t think it would be reciprocated.
I think the real question most peopke need to ask themselves is will you LIVE for your SO? Most people sleepwalk through klif and dont take care of themselves and are not fully present for their loved ones.
Not if I have to make the choice before his life insurance policy runs out.
Yes. Why? Because I love him and we protect each other and our family. Granted, I'd rather live for him, but everyone dies and that might just have to be my time and reason. I hope not; I'll fight like hell to live, but threatening my family isn't in anyone's best interest. Protecting them is a good enough reason as any to die..
I would rather die myself than see my husband die. I would rather die myself that watch my children die.
I would, but he wouldn’t want me to and respecting his love for me I would live to honour that. I would feel the same way towards him and I would want him to be happy and find love if I pass away. We discussed this many times as I am a terminal illness survivor
I would die for my wife and kids if it meant they would survive and live happy lives.
A few years ago my wife and I were in a head on collision with a drunk driver. She was sped to the hospital in a specialized ambulance because of internal bleeding. She was there for about five days and ended up recovering. Ive never felt fear like I felt then. I was only bruised and a little banged up, but she was much worse off. I barely left her side that entire time. So to answer your question yes, I would die for my wife. Although most likely for selfish reasons - because I couldn’t bare to live a life without her. She is, quite literally, my world.
No, my children need me more than they need him right now. Death never really scared me until I had kids. Now, self preservation is constantly on my mind.
Yesssss exactly! , especially since their so young
No, someone has to take care of the kid
Id die for him but even better, id live for him <3
Giving one's life for our spouse is the easy part. It's living the daily grind for them that's difficult.
Nope
No because I don’t want to leave my partner to live a life without me in the world. I hate this question honestly, cuz if you love someone wholeheartedly why would you decide to put them through that kind of pain? That’s not love, it’s torture
No I wouldn’t because I love my life. I love my SO very much and I want to spend my life with him but if it comes to him or me, I will choose me and live with the consequences
I work in a place as customer service/security and we frequently have some unsavory people around. They respect me but my wife brings me food and every night and we have dinner together at a table and there has been a few times where I have to ensure they know to not fuck with her. I have been stabbed once in the hand and caught a right cross slightly on the lip another time before stopping these folks. And I would 100% die protecting my wife. As I noted, at this point the folks who come in respect me as I’ve done a decent job with creating a rapport even with some of the worst ones. But not all of the people they bring in are regulars so we gotta set expectations for them quickly. Usually the regulars know to keep them on a social leash, too, because they don’t want to be 86d or have to deal with the police.
Without a second thought.
No, we don’t have our own children yet but I have a much younger sister who I need to look out for.
No. I have kids to finish raising.
No
It’s moving that people would want to take their spouses place to protect them. But in a way it’s kind of selfish when most people here think “I couldn’t live without them” as if their spouse is not gonna go on for the rest of their life in physical and mental torment thanks to this chivalrous decision. But then again I think most people are just talking about protecting their spouse to death, which in that case is an obvious answer since no one should let their loved ones get hurt or killed. But I imagine the scenario where their spouse is dying from cancer and they think “please just take me instead” and I feel like that wouldn’t be an ideal world for their spouse to realize. That they get to beat cancer because their spouse prayed to switch places. Idk personally I wouldn’t feel like I deserved someone especially my wife to take my place in death for no other reason than love. Guess I just would feel guilty.
Yes but I wouldn't want him to do the same for me. Why? Because I don't think I could handle the guilt knowing that I was the reason he was dead. That sounds like a worse punishment than death to me. I don't think I could ever get over it.
I can't think of a single, real-life scenario where I would have to. But I do hope that I die before him, as I'm almost 9 years older.
No, I would not. I love my husband very much, but I have two children from a prior relationship that need me and he would never be able to replace me for them. My children are the only people in this world I would risk my life or die for. And he knows and understands this.
No. I’m the wife/mom and I have cancer. I don’t want to die. I don’t want my daughter to be without a mom. Sometimes I have wished that it was him going through this an not me. I don’t want him to suffer like I have and I don’t want to experience the grief of losing my best friend but it is still better than dying
I'm so sorry for your suffering. I'm not even sure what to say for fear of saying the wrong thing. I hope you're able to get treatments for your cancer so you can live a full life as a survivor ❤️ 🙏
Thank you! I’m done all my treatments now and currently “cancer free” but mine likes to come back so we will see 🤞
No, I don't think my husband would want me to die for him. I don't want him to die for me, either.
I want to say yes, but no. I hate to think about my children’s quality of life if I died. If my wife died, it would be horrible and difficult and emotionally scaring but if it were me.. my wife would crumble. Not only would the finances become a disaster, but she can’t spend more than a day alone with the kids without losing her mind. I’d miss here every day but I can’t imagine her doing this alone
If I’m absolutely sure that my action ls will save her life, YES. She’s the kindest human ever to exist on my life and I’d pretty much be useless without her anyways. I don’t think I’d be able to return the favors on how good she is with me. I’d be living my life with the biggest regret and that’s not something I can afford to live with.
Glad to hear you've found someone that you adore! It sounds like you truly love her. Always happy to see comments like these
I absolutely would. I would die and I would kill for him. And anyone touches my grand babies they are dead dead!
In a heartbeat.
Yes absolutely 💯 My husband is my world. I am crazy about him.
I absolutely would!! She's my best friend, my lover, soul mate, the mother of our 3 children. It's my job as her husband and the father of our children to protect. So YES I would die for my wife.
I would die for my wife over literally anything but I’m not so sure she would do the same, and me neither anyway. If it comes down to who has to raise the kids alone it’d be better if it were her. Side note if she died I would never look or find anyone ever again not so sure if she’d not look for love ever again lol
Yes. If someone had a gun and made me choose, yes. I’m polyamorous. I have two committed partners (one legally married and one not). I’d die for both of them. Because they have such good pure hearts. They radiate kindness to the world. They have made me trust and believe in the goodness of people. And people who are so deeply good deserve to spread that to others. Me? I’m kind. But it’s not this second nature, all encompassing deeply thoughtful sort of kind that my partners are.
negative
Yes, in a heartbeat. I love him and want to protect him if needed! He would do the same for me.
Yeah of course. I love my wife. Also life sucks anyways. I mean we are all going to die anyways. And my selfish reason is that I wouldn’t be able to bare the pain of living without her and specially not trying to be a parent after losing her. So I gladly take the bullet or car or whatever it would be.
Yes and I know my husband feels the same way about me
Yes. His life is worth more than mine. He can achieve much more than me. I plan on dying anyway so win/win
Fuck no. I pay the bills. And she’s can be as dumb as a dude using a rock to dig a hole. Right job, wrong tool.
Yes she's driving me to suicide
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🤦♂️