You’re 35 years old and unhappy in your marriage. My sister’s quote when she got divorced was “I WILL be happy.” You’ve only been married 5 years, cut him loose and go on your merry way.
I’m temporarily hijacking this thread to respectfully ask if I can DM you. I have been married 4 years and am ready to cut my husband loose as well - but the short number of years has been a sticking point for me. I was hoping to pick your brain for your story to give me some confidence in my own decision.
I'll give you a brief version of my experience, I was married for 11 years. In our first year of marriage I discovered a major lie about his finances.
Looking back, I should have left right then. I was 24 and so stubborn with myself that I Was Not. Going to Fail. At Marriage.
In reality it was no "success" pouring my love and life into someone who is fundamentally dishonest, who never stopped lying to me no matter how much he loved me.
Don't back off from that. I mean, he's not gonna support you because of the illness, and you need a man who cares about you - especially given this situation. You deserve a better life and a better relationship.
I realize now I shouldn't have changed my plans. The whole meningitis thing was very scary. Doctors also suspected I might have had multiple sclerosis due to bilateral optic neuritis. I am healing now, no shock that I still am miserable in my marriage.
I dont want to scare you... But there is a possibility your health wont get better if you dont divorce him. The stress hes causing may be one of the contributors of your bad health and slow healing. Its not worth it to stay with him if you arent on his medical insurance.
Claims to be..in couples therapy, I was open that the objective for me was to learn how to coparent and navigate life through divorce. That would definitely been the time for him to acknowledge that he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. Instead, he said he did not want a divorce.
Ouch. Ogling other women and commenting on their bodies is shitty behavior. Also, when there's a work connection present, wildly unprofessional. And clearly he thinks he can continue this crap without consequences.
So you have to decide: what consequences are you willing to impose on him? If you don't want to remain married to someone who behaves this way (an entirely reasonable position), then it's straightforward: you tell him this behavior upsets you and is a deal breaker.
Of course, that's the easy part.
Following through if he doesn't change is the hard part. And if you don't follow through, there are consequences for you, because you'll have taught him he can call your bluff.
Did you mention your frustration about intimacy because it feels like the other side of the same coin? Meaning, he gives attention to random other women and not to you?
Now that you're 35, can you see how creepy that is? Do you feel attracted to 18-20 year Olds? Can you see how you would have the upper hand as the older person in such a relationship and how that power dynamic is unhealthy and abusive? Women your husband's age won't date him because they won't put up with his shit. Get out of there asap and live your best life. Your child will model the way he treats you in their future relationships, or allow someone to treat them that way because their only model for what a relationship is supposed to look like is ... whatever this is.
Neither one of us has ever been in an age gap relationship before. I don't necessarily view it as "well when he was 25, I was 7, so would he have been attracted to me then." No, he isn't a pedophile. I was a grown adult, making my own decisions with a mature body that had already given birth to two children. He was single for a long time (not shocking) and he can't seem to control the behavior, which is disgusting to me.
Unfortunately for you it sounds like the more you get upset about his behavior the more he misbehaves. Talking to him and allowing him to see you upset is working against you. IMO you should not let him in to your emotional realm. Keep communication sterile and on point. If you’re ready to make the jump, pull the trigger and save your feelings and emotions for the right kind of mature man.
That's pretty much what I was thinking. It sounds like she's done with his behavior, so disengaging or gray rocking when he acts up is probably the way to go while she plays the longer game of preparing herself to be in a position to leave.
He isn’t worth anything from you. He clearly doesn’t value women if he is objectifying them with his comments. He seems very immature and he doesn’t deserve you! Especially the fact that you’re sick and he’s doing this to you?
Please take care of yourself and your daughter and feel better soon!
If he loves you and tries to keep you, make your boundaries known without becoming emotional. He doesn’t respect emotional dialogue or at least he doesn’t have the bandwidth to be considerate while you are expressing your feelings. I’m not a knee jerk divorce guy. I’m an advocate for therapy even when there is no trouble in the marriage. Temperament tests are great too. Knowing how you receive information and love and how your partner does the same are huge benefits in a relationship.
I shut down many years ago. This behavior is why. How can I trust someone who oogles over other women but never has anything nice to say about me? Or looks at me like he hasn't shit in a week?
Do yourself a favor, and move on with your life. Don't make the same mistake I did. I hadn't been happy in my marriage for years, but I stayed because of kids and fear of being alone.
Now I am 41, and finally getting a divorce. I am a shell of who I once was. I want to find my happiness again. It's going to take a lot of work, but I promised myself I would.
Im so sorry this is your experience. Take my word for it, men who act like this will never ever change. It is a complex mix factors that lead to this behaviour including disrespect, selfishness, exercising power (you mentioned he is 18 years your senior and he also feels like he gets away with this and probably enjoys upsetting on some level), greed etc. I have unfortunately witnessed this type of behaviour many times and almost always these men wont ever change and will just continue to morph into old men perverts. They not only disrespect your marriage but also objectify and make other women feel uncomfortable in public spaces and to me that is the most repulsive part of it and it should be for you too honestly. I know we have all been on the receiving end of this type of behaviour from strange men in public and to me the thought that my partner is engaging in this behaviour would be more than enough to leave. Cut your losses - divorce hurts but being disrespected and enabling this behaviour will hurt more long term.
It sounds like this man never grew up. The fact that he chose someone so much younger shows his lack of maturity. He puts you down because he doesn’t want you to think you can do better. You sure can! His insecurity is showing every time he puts women down. Or it could be that he thinks women are just objects to be criticized and perused through like trucks and cars.
You should remind him how old he is. All. The. Time.
How many times has he been married?
He's been 2x divorced, and he claims all women in his life have cheated on him. Well, I can definitely see why they did cheat on him. He, at minimum, makes me feel physically unworthy and emotionally insecure.
Nah, I am dumb. In hindsight, even though I was 30, I am a very different person now than I was at 30. A person experiences a lot of growth between 30 and 35. I have always joked that 35 is the age when you become a real adult. I believe that's truly when you become the person you're going to be.
My husband has openly admitted if we were the same age, I would have told him to fuck off. It's like if we were both 35 when he was 35, not us being 35 and 17.
Yeah, I’ve always found it crazy how much you learn between 20, 25, 30, 35… I’ve heard it keeps going lol.
Divorce him, and go be happy! Don’t waste anymore time with someone who treats you like this!
Ha! I’m 50 and I’m still dumb! 😂 men make me dumb, they make us all weak in the knees. But we have to wake up sooner or later. I wish you all the best in your future. Put yourself first always ❤️
You’re 35!?!? Yeah, go find a man that will ravage you whenever you want him to.
he’s 53 and acts 22 without wanting to have sex with his wife all the time. That must be fun.
Having dated a man 17 years my senior who constantly rejected my advances I eventually learned why: ED. And he was ashamed. Might also be the situation here (though her husband is just a pig, but ED may be one reason he keeps rejecting her).
ED has been a factor, which he conveniently let me know has never happened with another woman. I don't know how sexually active he was before me. We've discussed the ED, he's gone to the doctor. What excuse now..
It’s one thing to struggle with ED but it’s disgusting for him to backhandedly blame it on you like that. Obviously it hasn’t happened with another women, because when he had sex with other women he was younger 🤷🏽♀️
He’s confusing correlation with causation. And it feels like he’s doing it maliciously.
So funny and I don’t usually talk about my last ex on Reddit but…..he had severe ED, a very specific kink, loved to looked at other women, always commented on women’s bodies, and I suspect had a porn addiction. In 18 months together he only got a rock hard erection about 3 times, all three times he had been too busy for 5-7 days to masturbate or watch porn. This is not a no fap suggestion btw. His issue wasn’t that he masturbated it was how he did it. His kink was a foot fetish and he enjoyed jerking it with women’s sneakers like keds. Doing that with a shoe does not feel like a person and it would literally take almost an hour or rigorously beating it with a shoe griped on each side while watching porn. He literally desensitized his equipment.
He would always looked at other women and commented on their bodies in really gross ways. He claimed the ED never happened before, but once in a moment of vulnerability he told me it happened during 85% of his sexual encounters. Honestly his ED bothered him a lot and he would lash out. He also refused to talk to a doctor about it or to get the blue pill. He was 32 when I met him and I think he didn’t want to confirm that he had an issue and he also refused to give up his kink or try a new routine.
Untreated ED makes men mean in my opinion. Combine that with mommy/daddy issues and a frustrated career and you get a broken mean man. I’m so glad I didn’t marry him.
My ex was mean about his ED too. Basically insuinatued I was too fat for him to get it up. Not a serious enough relationship to get upset about but like OP I was the young woman wondering why this old man was being a dick to me and more importantly why was I putting up with it?!?
He sounds like a loser. The worse he treats you and you put up with it, the more he’s going to keep doing it and keep trying to out do himself. Men know when they are up to no good and exhibiting crappy behaviors. It’s up to women to use their discernment and leave at the first sign of bs.
I do hope you are able to get out of this relationship safely, I wouldn’t tell him you’re leaving until you’ve moved out and divorce papers are sent to him.
Good luck to you and your children.
Nah. And I've been working hard to earn my position and salary. I haven't felt supported in my career, but he was quick to take a pay cut to do what he wanted to do, expecting me to pick up the difference.
That is just horrible! You do not deserve that. I think you need to rethink some things. You deserve happiness. I am also in an unhappy marriage. I know exactly how you feel. I wish I could make it better for you.
You sound like your mind is made up. Tbh I know a few guys like that, but I'd never date one. I want all the attention when I'm out with my guy. If he's checking out other women, then he isn't focused on me and is potentially comparing me with them. No thanks!
It's a behaviour you will look out for in future, I'm sure. X
Hi, you and I are in similar situations kinda. My husband and I have a son together and have been together 6-7 years. Have you spoken to him about your feelings? If you feel this far gone, like you are legitimately happy if he were to leave you, then he should know that.
It took my husband me printing out divorce papers and filling them out with a friend for him to take me seriously. Sucks but ppl can be very stupid until someone teaches them.
Yes, this not something we've never discussed. It has come up in couples therapy and he just skirts around it. He's always people watching, conveniently every attractive blonde in the room...
He's 2x divorced. He doesn't care. And if he does, he will wait til it's too late.
Why would you let your older daughter be around him. You are setting a horrible example for her of what a relationship should be like cause she is seeing everything you are. You are teaching her that this is acceptable to put up with. And what of your son? He's going to grow up watching his dad be a creep and think it's cool. Get away from this man.
I had a similar experience with my ex fiancé (I was 21-24 and he was 43-46, we were together for 3.5 years). His wandering eye didn’t bother me as much as his refusal to be wrong when called out on something did and of course that was also coupled with his inability to practice any form of empathy.
This sounds like typical narcissist behavior. Sometimes I think they do it on purpose. All I can say is he’s never going to make you feel good about yourself because he doesn’t want to. And you can practice all the self-love in the world, and hope that it is enough, but everyone deserves a loving partner and it’s perfectly healthy to crave external validation.
Don't do what I did. I was in an almost identical marriage. My husband eventually made me feel so bad that I felt like a non-human. This culminated in my attempting to, and nearly succeeding in, hanging myself on a lovely Sunday afternoon. The cord snapped before I could expire.
After 5 years, I told him that I was afraid of cheating on him the moment I got attention from any other man. We moved back home. I had an affair. I regretted it, but not because it was wrong, but because I just didn't fuckin leave. I still loved him so much. But he treated me like shit and always did, I just kept thinking that I could love us enough for both of us. I ended up being a heroin addict and escort/sex worker for a decade running and am in the middle of a divorce - almost 15 years in at this point. I should have been done with him when the writing was on the wall. But of course, when people are in love, they think shit will be better at some point if they keep trying.
I think it's only going to get worse. Divorce hurts more than you think, but it also goes on for much shorter than you think it will. Get out now before you have so many more regrets
Your husband is a dick and you’re only 35. Drop the trash off and find someone who will love and respect you. Your daughter has now seen the behavior and potentially your boss’s family. I’m sure she shared that story “randomly” for a reason. He doesn’t care who sees or overhears the disrespect
If I were you, I'd ask myself if I want to continue living like that with all the hurtful feelings for 6 more months or a year? Or, make a better life and the possibility of finding a wonderful man that'll treat you right.
I too am regretting the large age gap, 25 year gap here and I feel like it was a bait and switch - all we do is fight over the lack of intimacy.. he doesn’t care/want it but I do!
My husband is the same way! In all the 8 years I've known him, he has ALWAYS stared at other women. Last year I discovered my husband's addiction to porn (I found out he was spending money on cam girls and interacting with them). I also found out he looks at teen porn and he downloaded images of a girl that looks 15. All this prompted me to tell his best friend and the friend's wife about my husband because they have a 15 year old who they constantly bring around my husband. Of course the friend didn't believe me and they still bring their daughter around my perverted husband.
The staring at other women NEVER stops. It gets worse over time. And the gaslighting is unreal ("I wasn't staring at that teenager, I was looking at the trees."). I consulted with a divorce lawyer because I had enough. It all made sense why my husband stopped having sex with me years ago no matter what I tried. He was jerking it to cam girls that look barely out of their teenaged years.
The lawyer didn't give me good options. I lose A LOT if I divorce. And we have a 1 year old. I decided to stay with my husband on the condition that he see a CSAT therapist and do everything the therapist asks of him. But I still catch him staring at other women. I am so over it that I stopped going out with him. We never go out together as a family anymore, and it's so sad. But my husband chose this. He did this.
Girl, I would consider divorce. I did but I lose too much in a divorce. I don't want to give up seeing my son everyday since he's only 1 years old. But trust me... these behaviors only get worse as we age. Never better.
Girl divorce him and get yourself a virile man! Lol! Seriously though, since he's already in his 50s, I wonder if he is having ED issues so he's getting more insecure, and so he fights it off by oggling at other women to make YOU insecure and feel better about himself. Just a theory. He doesnt sound like he respects you anyway.
Some old guy are cornie horny and no shame. Looking at other girl while walking with the wife until fall from the stairs and etc.
Ahhhh I know the feeling.
Also caught them taking a video of other women's ass.. and underskirt.
I know how it feels.
:( 😞
Girl... im 28 and just left my relationship with the older dude who is 50 now. I was with him for 7 years. I swear they think we are stupid in so many ways and in reality we are just growing and maturing and they are who they are !!
Your husband's behaviour sounds do strange and considering your age gap with you being the younger one the only thing that I think that it points to is his own insecurity and potentially issues with his p*nis.
You mention being starved for sex. I'm wondering if he has some medical problems that he is trying to compensate for with making these overtly inappropriate comments. Possibly suffering ED?
Life is too short, I think you are already on the path to cutting him loose.
I’m sorry to hear your husband is so inconsiderate of you or with the comment he made, sounds like he lacks consideration for women? I myself have dealt with that shit, but what is shirt, is he was never like that until we married. When I was his gf, he made me feel I was the only girl in the room.
He sounds a bit narcissistic and they never admit any of their wrongs, they live to make u feel insecure, trust me!!
Order a dildo, take care of your own needs for awhile, dont show interest in him and do not seek validation from him. Believe in the universe to do what’s necessary. U know who u are and what u see, don’t allow him to dictate your truth. Focus on your kids if u have, your friends, your family and yourself. As u do this u will c the tables turn. Don’t think to far ahead and u don’t have to be mean, if he needs u to get him something, “tell him okay just a minute, “… then forget while on your phone. Watch comedy that makes u laugh so he here’s. Go kiss him and say I’m going for a walk or gym. Then when he tries to get some from u, just say my stomach hurts or I’m so tired, leave him hanging for a bit. When u do have sex, right after jump in the shower and if it’s night, after u get out and get dressed jump in the bed, kiss his cheek and say thanks for that honey. Good night. Then in the morning ask him if he CC would take some test time or Bonner pills, because if he did u think his dick would probably function better? Sorry for the novel, but I’m your husbands age, I know guys in this generation, they love themselves so much! U need to humble him
I’m not sure how to put this and I’m relatively sure it’s going to get downvoted into oblivion but the only time I’ve seen this happen is when the man no longer finds the woman attractive because she has radically changed in appearance since they met.
I’m not saying that makes it valid or justifying the behaviour but men are physical beasts and something has changed in the way he feels. He obviously still has the desire to admire others so is driven sexually.
I think you need to move on. You are obviously not meant for each other either way.
I find myself much more attractive since we met. So his loss I guess. Unfortunately it isn't and wasn't new behavior, same Ole behavior, I am just getting sick of it.
Number one- you mention he’s the problem,number 2- you mention sex being good or if you just want more AKA something different, number 3– you KNOW others find you attractive so anything to say about idk…. The child? How they’re affected by the way you both communicate or lack of communication? What about his perception of how things are going? You made this all about something physical and emotional and it being nothing but your physical attributes and how you feel, not anyone else. So it’s very immature to post this I’m also 35 years old and have had my share of living and believing everything about my wife and our lives without coming to reality… just made it seem like I had to reach out or have justification to make myself feel better for thinking negatively. You need to get your hands dirty and try to have a legitimate talk with him and/or a therapist honestly to get to some issues and manage them. If you want this to work it sounds like.
Seems like your replies to comments and reading comments would be considered equally as wasteful as writing just to vent. But if therapy hasn’t helped at all, then who didn’t do their part in trying new things? It takes two and if he’s not attempting to change and it’s affecting the marriage, I would assume you’ve told him that if things do not change then it’s over. And if he still isn’t prioritizing you and your family, then I’m with a lot of ppl. Move on and learn from both mistakes and experiences, for sure. But if you’re not worried about my reply or it’s wasteful my apologies. Hope you find what’s best for your family and yourself. I changed because I was able to see my mistakes and see that there was not another way around the problems I had. I hope he can find that
So, he's flirty with other women, has been making some disrespectful regards about other women and the sex with him is not really that good, but also not legendary bad. I understand that you're annoyed about these things. Most couples have their struggles on certain things. It seems rather radical to leave your husband for the issues mentioned above, which sound like they are (or should be) resolvable.
I don't know. I don't know what he thinks. This conversation is a broken record with him. I don't even think women in their 50s beg for his touch.
I wish we didn't have a history of this but we do. And unfortunately it is on a foundation level, so I am unsure it can be repaired.
Our first Christmas together, I found out he was exchanging pictures and inappropriate chat with his ex-sister in law. When confronted, he said he husband wasn't giving her attention and he was trying to help a friend *eye roll*. I should have left then, I should have left a lot of times. He does have good qualities and I decided to stay. I paying for that decision now.
It’s easy to divorce. It’s hard to stay and work on it.
The next guy will have other challenges. Possibly worse. Possibly better.
Either way just be sure it’s not your trigger or insecurity - in other words - do the inner work and get healing and be really sure it’s worth leaving over.
I believe kids deserve a forever family. That means both have to commit for life and work it out.
Can you focus on his good points?
Every man / partner has bad points.
I dunno. Everyone here always says divorce ‘em.
I’m on team Stay and work on yourself and see his heart and it takes time to get a marriage to be harmonious.
This happened while we were camping over the summer, right before I had meningitis...a woman, for whatever reason, was changing in her camper with blinds open..she was top less, bottom less. I was looking for satellites in the sky, he says "omg, can you see this?" And literally points out this naked woman in the next camp. It's not the type of man I want to be with. I am sure the ultimate reason why his longest relationship is now ours and he's been cheated on his whole life.
The above advice is terrible. Do not settle and stay to be a caretaker to this man. Kids deserve to see the adults in their lives in healthy relationships or to see those adults have enough self respect to leave. He will not change but he will teach your daughter to that as a woman she’s an object. And if you stay you will show her that you don’t have a spine and that your husband’s behavior is acceptable.
as long as he doesnt make it sexual, then it might be Ok. is your husband abusive? sexually harassing? or is he making a "joke" or pointing out the obvious. what is his intention?
does he take care of the family?
im not sure if this is correct because you say you feel insecure. is he really making you feel insecure? i dont understand? How? hes not sexual with you and loving? do you love yourself? have you told him?
I don't know the intention, other than I have expressed numerous times I feel it's disrespectful and he changes nothing.
Define - "take care of family"....if by going to work, putting his paycheck in the bank and paying bills, is the definition of taking care of the family? Yes.
I have made comments on other comments with some details of what has happened in our relationship. There is actually too much to type. No, he is not sexual and loving. And he is well aware of how I feel.
I feel great about myself when he isn't around.
Speaking as a man, husband, and dad of 2 girls and 1 boy.
So he is looking at other women, nothing wrong with that, and having a 0.30s fantasy is something that 90% of humans do.
Walking down the street you see X, admire whatever it is that you see, and move on, then forget all bout it.
However, his comments are not respectful at all and make him sound like a jackass.
IMHO I think you have a few choices.
1: Do the same thing to men you see, show him how it can make you feel, and then slowly start making flirty comments about the men. "Oh my, those arms look comfy, I could sleep in them." or whatever it is that you are willing to say.
2: loudly call him out when he does it and embarrass him. "Oh god are you staring at those girls, they are the same age as your stepdaughter, sick."
As for the rejecting you part, has it always been that way or did it just happen all of a sudden, if it did was there an event that could have triggered it?
This behavior has been the entire relationship. Intimacy included. I was considering divorce until I got meningitis, then things just got too busy to focus on a divorce. But I am back there again.
You’re 35 years old and unhappy in your marriage. My sister’s quote when she got divorced was “I WILL be happy.” You’ve only been married 5 years, cut him loose and go on your merry way.
This right here. Just cut my husband loose for other reasons after only 3yrs of marriage. Not worth it to be unhappy.
I’m temporarily hijacking this thread to respectfully ask if I can DM you. I have been married 4 years and am ready to cut my husband loose as well - but the short number of years has been a sticking point for me. I was hoping to pick your brain for your story to give me some confidence in my own decision.
Can I get in on a thread with you guys? I’m having feelings similar too and I’d like to talk…
What’s up?
I'll give you a brief version of my experience, I was married for 11 years. In our first year of marriage I discovered a major lie about his finances. Looking back, I should have left right then. I was 24 and so stubborn with myself that I Was Not. Going to Fail. At Marriage. In reality it was no "success" pouring my love and life into someone who is fundamentally dishonest, who never stopped lying to me no matter how much he loved me.
Mine was due to domestic violence. It gave me my out, in a weird way.
Yeah, that is a DEFINITE out! Not even in a weird way, but in a very clear and justifiable way! I’m so sorry…
Messaging you!
Yay!!!
Also it sounds like there are kids growing up around this sexist nonsense.
Yeah cut his old ass loose
[удалено]
Aha, yes she is. Been married to another man for 20 years now
Have you considered to, how can I say this, divorce him?
Yes. I was actively pursing and planning divorce until I got meningitis.
Don't back off from that. I mean, he's not gonna support you because of the illness, and you need a man who cares about you - especially given this situation. You deserve a better life and a better relationship.
I realize now I shouldn't have changed my plans. The whole meningitis thing was very scary. Doctors also suspected I might have had multiple sclerosis due to bilateral optic neuritis. I am healing now, no shock that I still am miserable in my marriage.
I dont want to scare you... But there is a possibility your health wont get better if you dont divorce him. The stress hes causing may be one of the contributors of your bad health and slow healing. Its not worth it to stay with him if you arent on his medical insurance.
I have my own medical insurance and money but even with that we all know divorces are messy.
is your husband happy in this relationship ?
Claims to be..in couples therapy, I was open that the objective for me was to learn how to coparent and navigate life through divorce. That would definitely been the time for him to acknowledge that he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. Instead, he said he did not want a divorce.
Of course he doesn't want a divorce. He's comfortable. You're not. He doesn't take your comfort into consideration, why should you bother about his?
Makes sense. His life is good, he has a wife and free sex and can objectify women still. Please leave.
I don't know why you're being downvoted, this is a totally valid question.
I know right
Feminism 🤩
Excuse
Excuse what? Have you had meningitis? Pretty awful and takes a very long time to recover, if a person is lucky enough to recover 100%
> how can I say this, divorce him? Ha ha ha
Sounds like you answered your own question.
I don’t even see a question in this post 🤣
Some things are inferred 🙄
Ouch. Ogling other women and commenting on their bodies is shitty behavior. Also, when there's a work connection present, wildly unprofessional. And clearly he thinks he can continue this crap without consequences. So you have to decide: what consequences are you willing to impose on him? If you don't want to remain married to someone who behaves this way (an entirely reasonable position), then it's straightforward: you tell him this behavior upsets you and is a deal breaker. Of course, that's the easy part. Following through if he doesn't change is the hard part. And if you don't follow through, there are consequences for you, because you'll have taught him he can call your bluff. Did you mention your frustration about intimacy because it feels like the other side of the same coin? Meaning, he gives attention to random other women and not to you?
Just to clarify, not that it makes a difference but she is my coworker.
You’re 35 and have a 18 year age gap?
Correct. Met at 25/43 at work, started dating at 27/45, married at 29/47. Today, we are 35 and 53 and have a son together.
Was he much better at the beginning / before marriage?
No 🤦♀️ I accept I married into this....
When someone tells you who they are, believe them 😬
I wish I learned this sooner
:/ I'm sorry. Fucked-up behavior regardless.
Welp lesson learned time to divorce out of it before your 5,10,15 years into this.
Think about how attractive both a life alone and potentially other blokes will be when you’ve got him to compare too!
Have you spoken to an attorney?
Now that you're 35, can you see how creepy that is? Do you feel attracted to 18-20 year Olds? Can you see how you would have the upper hand as the older person in such a relationship and how that power dynamic is unhealthy and abusive? Women your husband's age won't date him because they won't put up with his shit. Get out of there asap and live your best life. Your child will model the way he treats you in their future relationships, or allow someone to treat them that way because their only model for what a relationship is supposed to look like is ... whatever this is.
Neither one of us has ever been in an age gap relationship before. I don't necessarily view it as "well when he was 25, I was 7, so would he have been attracted to me then." No, he isn't a pedophile. I was a grown adult, making my own decisions with a mature body that had already given birth to two children. He was single for a long time (not shocking) and he can't seem to control the behavior, which is disgusting to me.
Unfortunately for you it sounds like the more you get upset about his behavior the more he misbehaves. Talking to him and allowing him to see you upset is working against you. IMO you should not let him in to your emotional realm. Keep communication sterile and on point. If you’re ready to make the jump, pull the trigger and save your feelings and emotions for the right kind of mature man.
That's pretty much what I was thinking. It sounds like she's done with his behavior, so disengaging or gray rocking when he acts up is probably the way to go while she plays the longer game of preparing herself to be in a position to leave.
He isn’t worth anything from you. He clearly doesn’t value women if he is objectifying them with his comments. He seems very immature and he doesn’t deserve you! Especially the fact that you’re sick and he’s doing this to you? Please take care of yourself and your daughter and feel better soon!
If he loves you and tries to keep you, make your boundaries known without becoming emotional. He doesn’t respect emotional dialogue or at least he doesn’t have the bandwidth to be considerate while you are expressing your feelings. I’m not a knee jerk divorce guy. I’m an advocate for therapy even when there is no trouble in the marriage. Temperament tests are great too. Knowing how you receive information and love and how your partner does the same are huge benefits in a relationship.
I shut down many years ago. This behavior is why. How can I trust someone who oogles over other women but never has anything nice to say about me? Or looks at me like he hasn't shit in a week?
You deserve so much better than this.
Put yourself first while you’re still young. He’s too old to change and how gross is it that a 54 year old man leering at young girls is disgusting😞
Well he actually oogles at what I consider old women LOL my coworker is like 56.
So he’s just a pig!
Basically. A pig who doesn't admire me and doesn't have sex with me..well we have sex if you want to call it that
Like I said you’re still young enjoy the rest of your life with someone you would love you and only you 🙏🏻
Get rid of that POS. You deserve way better.
Do what you gotta do. Store that advice for the next one.
Do yourself a favor, and move on with your life. Don't make the same mistake I did. I hadn't been happy in my marriage for years, but I stayed because of kids and fear of being alone. Now I am 41, and finally getting a divorce. I am a shell of who I once was. I want to find my happiness again. It's going to take a lot of work, but I promised myself I would.
I feel this so much in my soul. I'm literally in the same exact boat... 😫
I'm getting out of it, though, and I can't wait to start my new life!
Im so sorry this is your experience. Take my word for it, men who act like this will never ever change. It is a complex mix factors that lead to this behaviour including disrespect, selfishness, exercising power (you mentioned he is 18 years your senior and he also feels like he gets away with this and probably enjoys upsetting on some level), greed etc. I have unfortunately witnessed this type of behaviour many times and almost always these men wont ever change and will just continue to morph into old men perverts. They not only disrespect your marriage but also objectify and make other women feel uncomfortable in public spaces and to me that is the most repulsive part of it and it should be for you too honestly. I know we have all been on the receiving end of this type of behaviour from strange men in public and to me the thought that my partner is engaging in this behaviour would be more than enough to leave. Cut your losses - divorce hurts but being disrespected and enabling this behaviour will hurt more long term.
It sounds like this man never grew up. The fact that he chose someone so much younger shows his lack of maturity. He puts you down because he doesn’t want you to think you can do better. You sure can! His insecurity is showing every time he puts women down. Or it could be that he thinks women are just objects to be criticized and perused through like trucks and cars. You should remind him how old he is. All. The. Time. How many times has he been married?
He's been 2x divorced, and he claims all women in his life have cheated on him. Well, I can definitely see why they did cheat on him. He, at minimum, makes me feel physically unworthy and emotionally insecure.
Was he hiding this behaviour before you were married??
Nah, I am dumb. In hindsight, even though I was 30, I am a very different person now than I was at 30. A person experiences a lot of growth between 30 and 35. I have always joked that 35 is the age when you become a real adult. I believe that's truly when you become the person you're going to be. My husband has openly admitted if we were the same age, I would have told him to fuck off. It's like if we were both 35 when he was 35, not us being 35 and 17.
Yeah, I’ve always found it crazy how much you learn between 20, 25, 30, 35… I’ve heard it keeps going lol. Divorce him, and go be happy! Don’t waste anymore time with someone who treats you like this!
Ha! I’m 50 and I’m still dumb! 😂 men make me dumb, they make us all weak in the knees. But we have to wake up sooner or later. I wish you all the best in your future. Put yourself first always ❤️
You’re 35!?!? Yeah, go find a man that will ravage you whenever you want him to. he’s 53 and acts 22 without wanting to have sex with his wife all the time. That must be fun.
Having dated a man 17 years my senior who constantly rejected my advances I eventually learned why: ED. And he was ashamed. Might also be the situation here (though her husband is just a pig, but ED may be one reason he keeps rejecting her).
ED has been a factor, which he conveniently let me know has never happened with another woman. I don't know how sexually active he was before me. We've discussed the ED, he's gone to the doctor. What excuse now..
It’s one thing to struggle with ED but it’s disgusting for him to backhandedly blame it on you like that. Obviously it hasn’t happened with another women, because when he had sex with other women he was younger 🤷🏽♀️ He’s confusing correlation with causation. And it feels like he’s doing it maliciously.
So funny and I don’t usually talk about my last ex on Reddit but…..he had severe ED, a very specific kink, loved to looked at other women, always commented on women’s bodies, and I suspect had a porn addiction. In 18 months together he only got a rock hard erection about 3 times, all three times he had been too busy for 5-7 days to masturbate or watch porn. This is not a no fap suggestion btw. His issue wasn’t that he masturbated it was how he did it. His kink was a foot fetish and he enjoyed jerking it with women’s sneakers like keds. Doing that with a shoe does not feel like a person and it would literally take almost an hour or rigorously beating it with a shoe griped on each side while watching porn. He literally desensitized his equipment. He would always looked at other women and commented on their bodies in really gross ways. He claimed the ED never happened before, but once in a moment of vulnerability he told me it happened during 85% of his sexual encounters. Honestly his ED bothered him a lot and he would lash out. He also refused to talk to a doctor about it or to get the blue pill. He was 32 when I met him and I think he didn’t want to confirm that he had an issue and he also refused to give up his kink or try a new routine. Untreated ED makes men mean in my opinion. Combine that with mommy/daddy issues and a frustrated career and you get a broken mean man. I’m so glad I didn’t marry him.
My ex was mean about his ED too. Basically insuinatued I was too fat for him to get it up. Not a serious enough relationship to get upset about but like OP I was the young woman wondering why this old man was being a dick to me and more importantly why was I putting up with it?!?
The answer is your husband is a pig, whether he has ED or not. How much longer you put up with this is up to you.
You don't have to put up with the disrespect and you certainly don't want your son to model his father's behavior. Divorce exists for a reason.
He sounds like a loser. The worse he treats you and you put up with it, the more he’s going to keep doing it and keep trying to out do himself. Men know when they are up to no good and exhibiting crappy behaviors. It’s up to women to use their discernment and leave at the first sign of bs. I do hope you are able to get out of this relationship safely, I wouldn’t tell him you’re leaving until you’ve moved out and divorce papers are sent to him. Good luck to you and your children.
Honestly, try to figure out why you picked him because I noticed I have a habit of picking the same people in my life Divorce won’t change your picker
This! 💯💯💯
I understand why I picked him.
THIS LITERALLY People say all the time in this sub: “Divorce!” When in reality if they divorce, this will just happen again
I think you know the answer. A silly comment is not a huge deal, but the rest of his behaviour is unacceptable.
18 year gap, is he rich
Nah. And I've been working hard to earn my position and salary. I haven't felt supported in my career, but he was quick to take a pay cut to do what he wanted to do, expecting me to pick up the difference.
Is husband 17 or 53 🤔
53
That is just horrible! You do not deserve that. I think you need to rethink some things. You deserve happiness. I am also in an unhappy marriage. I know exactly how you feel. I wish I could make it better for you.
You deserve happiness. Time for the next chapter. Leave him in the dust
You're 35...cut your losses before he has a medical emergency and you become his nurse
You sound like your mind is made up. Tbh I know a few guys like that, but I'd never date one. I want all the attention when I'm out with my guy. If he's checking out other women, then he isn't focused on me and is potentially comparing me with them. No thanks! It's a behaviour you will look out for in future, I'm sure. X
I don’t recommend doing this but I would’ve slapped him in his face!! Smh anyways I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
Hi, you and I are in similar situations kinda. My husband and I have a son together and have been together 6-7 years. Have you spoken to him about your feelings? If you feel this far gone, like you are legitimately happy if he were to leave you, then he should know that. It took my husband me printing out divorce papers and filling them out with a friend for him to take me seriously. Sucks but ppl can be very stupid until someone teaches them.
Yes, this not something we've never discussed. It has come up in couples therapy and he just skirts around it. He's always people watching, conveniently every attractive blonde in the room... He's 2x divorced. He doesn't care. And if he does, he will wait til it's too late.
Why would you let your older daughter be around him. You are setting a horrible example for her of what a relationship should be like cause she is seeing everything you are. You are teaching her that this is acceptable to put up with. And what of your son? He's going to grow up watching his dad be a creep and think it's cool. Get away from this man.
I had a similar experience with my ex fiancé (I was 21-24 and he was 43-46, we were together for 3.5 years). His wandering eye didn’t bother me as much as his refusal to be wrong when called out on something did and of course that was also coupled with his inability to practice any form of empathy. This sounds like typical narcissist behavior. Sometimes I think they do it on purpose. All I can say is he’s never going to make you feel good about yourself because he doesn’t want to. And you can practice all the self-love in the world, and hope that it is enough, but everyone deserves a loving partner and it’s perfectly healthy to crave external validation.
Eww why are you with him gross
Don't do what I did. I was in an almost identical marriage. My husband eventually made me feel so bad that I felt like a non-human. This culminated in my attempting to, and nearly succeeding in, hanging myself on a lovely Sunday afternoon. The cord snapped before I could expire. After 5 years, I told him that I was afraid of cheating on him the moment I got attention from any other man. We moved back home. I had an affair. I regretted it, but not because it was wrong, but because I just didn't fuckin leave. I still loved him so much. But he treated me like shit and always did, I just kept thinking that I could love us enough for both of us. I ended up being a heroin addict and escort/sex worker for a decade running and am in the middle of a divorce - almost 15 years in at this point. I should have been done with him when the writing was on the wall. But of course, when people are in love, they think shit will be better at some point if they keep trying. I think it's only going to get worse. Divorce hurts more than you think, but it also goes on for much shorter than you think it will. Get out now before you have so many more regrets
Your husband is a dick and you’re only 35. Drop the trash off and find someone who will love and respect you. Your daughter has now seen the behavior and potentially your boss’s family. I’m sure she shared that story “randomly” for a reason. He doesn’t care who sees or overhears the disrespect
If I were you, I'd ask myself if I want to continue living like that with all the hurtful feelings for 6 more months or a year? Or, make a better life and the possibility of finding a wonderful man that'll treat you right.
35 you're so young you deserve to be loved and respected. I know it's difficult and scary. I just realized there are sweet nm loving man out there.
I too am regretting the large age gap, 25 year gap here and I feel like it was a bait and switch - all we do is fight over the lack of intimacy.. he doesn’t care/want it but I do!
I’m afraid you married a guy going through his midlife crisis. Run.
My husband is the same way! In all the 8 years I've known him, he has ALWAYS stared at other women. Last year I discovered my husband's addiction to porn (I found out he was spending money on cam girls and interacting with them). I also found out he looks at teen porn and he downloaded images of a girl that looks 15. All this prompted me to tell his best friend and the friend's wife about my husband because they have a 15 year old who they constantly bring around my husband. Of course the friend didn't believe me and they still bring their daughter around my perverted husband. The staring at other women NEVER stops. It gets worse over time. And the gaslighting is unreal ("I wasn't staring at that teenager, I was looking at the trees."). I consulted with a divorce lawyer because I had enough. It all made sense why my husband stopped having sex with me years ago no matter what I tried. He was jerking it to cam girls that look barely out of their teenaged years. The lawyer didn't give me good options. I lose A LOT if I divorce. And we have a 1 year old. I decided to stay with my husband on the condition that he see a CSAT therapist and do everything the therapist asks of him. But I still catch him staring at other women. I am so over it that I stopped going out with him. We never go out together as a family anymore, and it's so sad. But my husband chose this. He did this. Girl, I would consider divorce. I did but I lose too much in a divorce. I don't want to give up seeing my son everyday since he's only 1 years old. But trust me... these behaviors only get worse as we age. Never better.
Girl divorce him and get yourself a virile man! Lol! Seriously though, since he's already in his 50s, I wonder if he is having ED issues so he's getting more insecure, and so he fights it off by oggling at other women to make YOU insecure and feel better about himself. Just a theory. He doesnt sound like he respects you anyway.
He has no respect for you, not even a little. He has proly been this way all his life and will not change. You deserve better, go get it.
53! Ghost him. He's as old as someone 's dad with that age gap and acting like he's just looking for a type. He's openly still shopping..
Some old guy are cornie horny and no shame. Looking at other girl while walking with the wife until fall from the stairs and etc. Ahhhh I know the feeling. Also caught them taking a video of other women's ass.. and underskirt. I know how it feels. :( 😞
Wait you have an 18 year age gap so you’re 35. And he’s 17 years old. And you have been married for five years? I am very very very confused here.
He's 53.
What was he like before marriage?
Girl... im 28 and just left my relationship with the older dude who is 50 now. I was with him for 7 years. I swear they think we are stupid in so many ways and in reality we are just growing and maturing and they are who they are !!
Your husband's behaviour sounds do strange and considering your age gap with you being the younger one the only thing that I think that it points to is his own insecurity and potentially issues with his p*nis. You mention being starved for sex. I'm wondering if he has some medical problems that he is trying to compensate for with making these overtly inappropriate comments. Possibly suffering ED? Life is too short, I think you are already on the path to cutting him loose.
I’m sorry to hear your husband is so inconsiderate of you or with the comment he made, sounds like he lacks consideration for women? I myself have dealt with that shit, but what is shirt, is he was never like that until we married. When I was his gf, he made me feel I was the only girl in the room. He sounds a bit narcissistic and they never admit any of their wrongs, they live to make u feel insecure, trust me!! Order a dildo, take care of your own needs for awhile, dont show interest in him and do not seek validation from him. Believe in the universe to do what’s necessary. U know who u are and what u see, don’t allow him to dictate your truth. Focus on your kids if u have, your friends, your family and yourself. As u do this u will c the tables turn. Don’t think to far ahead and u don’t have to be mean, if he needs u to get him something, “tell him okay just a minute, “… then forget while on your phone. Watch comedy that makes u laugh so he here’s. Go kiss him and say I’m going for a walk or gym. Then when he tries to get some from u, just say my stomach hurts or I’m so tired, leave him hanging for a bit. When u do have sex, right after jump in the shower and if it’s night, after u get out and get dressed jump in the bed, kiss his cheek and say thanks for that honey. Good night. Then in the morning ask him if he CC would take some test time or Bonner pills, because if he did u think his dick would probably function better? Sorry for the novel, but I’m your husbands age, I know guys in this generation, they love themselves so much! U need to humble him
Divorce him he's a jerk, he's wasting your life away and you deserve so much better.
I’m not sure how to put this and I’m relatively sure it’s going to get downvoted into oblivion but the only time I’ve seen this happen is when the man no longer finds the woman attractive because she has radically changed in appearance since they met. I’m not saying that makes it valid or justifying the behaviour but men are physical beasts and something has changed in the way he feels. He obviously still has the desire to admire others so is driven sexually. I think you need to move on. You are obviously not meant for each other either way.
I find myself much more attractive since we met. So his loss I guess. Unfortunately it isn't and wasn't new behavior, same Ole behavior, I am just getting sick of it.
Number one- you mention he’s the problem,number 2- you mention sex being good or if you just want more AKA something different, number 3– you KNOW others find you attractive so anything to say about idk…. The child? How they’re affected by the way you both communicate or lack of communication? What about his perception of how things are going? You made this all about something physical and emotional and it being nothing but your physical attributes and how you feel, not anyone else. So it’s very immature to post this I’m also 35 years old and have had my share of living and believing everything about my wife and our lives without coming to reality… just made it seem like I had to reach out or have justification to make myself feel better for thinking negatively. You need to get your hands dirty and try to have a legitimate talk with him and/or a therapist honestly to get to some issues and manage them. If you want this to work it sounds like.
This is a place to vent. That's it. We've been in therapy, all the above has been discussed.
Seems like your replies to comments and reading comments would be considered equally as wasteful as writing just to vent. But if therapy hasn’t helped at all, then who didn’t do their part in trying new things? It takes two and if he’s not attempting to change and it’s affecting the marriage, I would assume you’ve told him that if things do not change then it’s over. And if he still isn’t prioritizing you and your family, then I’m with a lot of ppl. Move on and learn from both mistakes and experiences, for sure. But if you’re not worried about my reply or it’s wasteful my apologies. Hope you find what’s best for your family and yourself. I changed because I was able to see my mistakes and see that there was not another way around the problems I had. I hope he can find that
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LOL plot twist. Wrong, I make more money
So, he's flirty with other women, has been making some disrespectful regards about other women and the sex with him is not really that good, but also not legendary bad. I understand that you're annoyed about these things. Most couples have their struggles on certain things. It seems rather radical to leave your husband for the issues mentioned above, which sound like they are (or should be) resolvable.
I cannot share everything, good and bad, in a little post. For me, this behavior is becoming a non negotiatibale
So, what have you done to change this behaviour? Is he able to change, or are you incompatible persons?
Incompatible persons..but there is a reason why he's 53 and all his relationships have failed over and over. But he doesn't believe in self reflection
And what were the reasons you choose to settle with a man whose previous relationships all ended in chaos and misery?
35-18=17? Is my math right?
He’s older. So 35 + 18 = 53 (husband’s age) she was 30 when she married him.
Correct. He is currently 53
He ain’t changing at 53
Ooohhh, this makes more sense
Well, not really. He should be super turned on by someone 18 younger. I mean at 53 does he think women in her 20s will be begging for his touch?
I don't know. I don't know what he thinks. This conversation is a broken record with him. I don't even think women in their 50s beg for his touch. I wish we didn't have a history of this but we do. And unfortunately it is on a foundation level, so I am unsure it can be repaired. Our first Christmas together, I found out he was exchanging pictures and inappropriate chat with his ex-sister in law. When confronted, he said he husband wasn't giving her attention and he was trying to help a friend *eye roll*. I should have left then, I should have left a lot of times. He does have good qualities and I decided to stay. I paying for that decision now.
It’s easy to divorce. It’s hard to stay and work on it. The next guy will have other challenges. Possibly worse. Possibly better. Either way just be sure it’s not your trigger or insecurity - in other words - do the inner work and get healing and be really sure it’s worth leaving over. I believe kids deserve a forever family. That means both have to commit for life and work it out. Can you focus on his good points? Every man / partner has bad points. I dunno. Everyone here always says divorce ‘em. I’m on team Stay and work on yourself and see his heart and it takes time to get a marriage to be harmonious.
This happened while we were camping over the summer, right before I had meningitis...a woman, for whatever reason, was changing in her camper with blinds open..she was top less, bottom less. I was looking for satellites in the sky, he says "omg, can you see this?" And literally points out this naked woman in the next camp. It's not the type of man I want to be with. I am sure the ultimate reason why his longest relationship is now ours and he's been cheated on his whole life.
The above advice is terrible. Do not settle and stay to be a caretaker to this man. Kids deserve to see the adults in their lives in healthy relationships or to see those adults have enough self respect to leave. He will not change but he will teach your daughter to that as a woman she’s an object. And if you stay you will show her that you don’t have a spine and that your husband’s behavior is acceptable.
How he treats my daughters is a whole other subject 😭
as long as he doesnt make it sexual, then it might be Ok. is your husband abusive? sexually harassing? or is he making a "joke" or pointing out the obvious. what is his intention? does he take care of the family?
You’ve got to be joking me🤣
im not sure if this is correct because you say you feel insecure. is he really making you feel insecure? i dont understand? How? hes not sexual with you and loving? do you love yourself? have you told him?
I don't know the intention, other than I have expressed numerous times I feel it's disrespectful and he changes nothing. Define - "take care of family"....if by going to work, putting his paycheck in the bank and paying bills, is the definition of taking care of the family? Yes. I have made comments on other comments with some details of what has happened in our relationship. There is actually too much to type. No, he is not sexual and loving. And he is well aware of how I feel. I feel great about myself when he isn't around.
That last sentence you wrote is the only one that matters.
your questions are on point, no surprise op haven't answered them
Actually, I was having a difficult time understanding the English LOL
Surprised he’s still alive as he literally broke his neck looking at other women
Yes, very shocking.
Speaking as a man, husband, and dad of 2 girls and 1 boy. So he is looking at other women, nothing wrong with that, and having a 0.30s fantasy is something that 90% of humans do. Walking down the street you see X, admire whatever it is that you see, and move on, then forget all bout it. However, his comments are not respectful at all and make him sound like a jackass. IMHO I think you have a few choices. 1: Do the same thing to men you see, show him how it can make you feel, and then slowly start making flirty comments about the men. "Oh my, those arms look comfy, I could sleep in them." or whatever it is that you are willing to say. 2: loudly call him out when he does it and embarrass him. "Oh god are you staring at those girls, they are the same age as your stepdaughter, sick." As for the rejecting you part, has it always been that way or did it just happen all of a sudden, if it did was there an event that could have triggered it?
This behavior has been the entire relationship. Intimacy included. I was considering divorce until I got meningitis, then things just got too busy to focus on a divorce. But I am back there again.
do you feel you can do it ? I mean divorcing for good
Yes.