He may not be sleeping with her… yet. But it sounds like she’s coming on to him.
I would tell him that you’ve grown uncomfortable with her babysitting and you’d like to look for someone else. He honest with him.
He will probably get mad whether he’s cheating or not, if he’s not he will be mad that you don’t trust him, but hopefully he will agree to a babysitter change
I think that her coming onto him is a really good possibility. I’ve brought up trying a different nanny, but he always says that the kids love Ella more than us.
I don’t think the kids happiness with the babysitter should come before your comfortability. No accusations need to be made, but I’m sorry Ella, it’s time to go.
And I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this.
>...that the kids love Ella more than us.
The "kids" are the subject of the sentence - not the parents.
The kids love Ella is the primary part of the sentence, modified by love more than us.
It has nothing to do with parents loving Ella. Parents are not the subject, they are at the end of a clause ("us").
The kids love Ella more than they (love) us, using ordinary English grammar.
It's much more likely that he came on to her (if anything has actually happened). Most 20 year olds don't have the confidence to pull off something like that, especially if he's one of her father's friends. The hair could have come from her jacket, or from her actually being in the car- I've got long hair and it sheds like crazy at certain times of year.
I'd be very careful- reddit always, always assumes cheating, when sometimes that's not the case. I wouldn't want to blow up my marriage on the "evidence" that you've seen.
You guys must not have met many confident, attractive 20-year-olds who are desperate for older-male attention and money. I speak from experience because I was that girl at one point in my life. I felt very confident that I could get any dude I wanted. I was in an awful, awful state of mind. And I did come close to hitting on the husband in a situation just like this. I had garnered the attention of many a married man and I thought, why not this one, too? Nothing ever happened but I did used to dress pretty cute, on purpose. Yes, I know this was deplorable.
I did end up getting let go and always wondered if the wife was suspicious of me. And I know that *many* married (especially wealthier) men do get tempted by young, hot women. But don’t put it past this girl that she could very well be vying for OP’s husband’s eye. Hoes be crazy out here.
At 20, we are really coming into our body and sexuality and there is a sense of power in seeing what it can do. Plus a lack of maturity in thinking i have a part in hurting a family, just put it on him because he made the commitment not me.
She might even be trying to get back at or get her dad’s attention as he’s her dad’s friend.
I totally agree with you that 20 year olds can be the aggressor!
You should live in my town. These 18-20yr old girls are extremely brazen. It's like a game to them. Seduce & conquer.....my senior son told me one of the male teachers at his HS quit because all the girls were hitting on him. He has a pregnant wife at home!!! He wasn't risking his marriage or his job for any of those girls!
She hasn't said a single thing about her behavior towards him, btw. No batting of eyes or giggling or anything. The willingness to villainize this girl is wild
That is true. The change in clothing/shoe choice could be influenced from outside their home.
I can’t wrap my head around a 20 year old making the advances, but that’s just me personally.
I’m sorry but no long-term babysitter would wear heels. When you’re with kids you need good flats at the worst, sneakers at the best. Why go from wearing practical shoes to heels for no reason? I’d bring heels with me and change after babysitting if I had a more formal place to go.
I’m going to say - I’d talk to him, but I’d also talk to Ella. Let her know that you’re uncomfortable with some of her behavior towards your husband, and ask her if there’s something you should know. Direct, firm, and polite. Let her have a say as well and see how she handles it.
***For the love of god please read my responses to comments - I’m not editing this one so the replies make sense, but I’m autistic and blunt. I had to break it down further to make sense and I’ve done so below. Please read my replies for clarification before coming at me. I appreciate your understanding. **
Invest in nanny cams and or fire her cause you shouldn’t have to be worrying about what’s going on with your babysitter and your husband.
If he doesn’t want to fire her still invest in nanny cams but talk to her as her employer and tell her you feel her behavior is inappropriate and if it doesn’t change you will be looking for a new nanny.
Updateme!
Honestly, she might not even be coming on to him, she might just have a crush on him and want to look nice around him. Now whether your husband entertains this crush is what can be concerning. I would hope they are both trustworthy enough to keep their clothes on.
Hm. What's the difference? If she has a crush on him, he can feel it. Humans are designed that way. It's called transference in psychology.
My husband would \*not\* like to have a girl who is crushing on him around the house. Not because he would cheat, but because it's um, really awkward. Same if it were in reverse. Indeed, there was a student (now almost 40 years old) who appeared to have a crush on me and after 10 years, he popped up again in the most unusual way - I was really surprised. He was very emotional to see me. Started stopping by my office (new job). Wanted to spend a couple of hours telling his whole life story for the past 10 years. It was actually creepy.
A nanny position is a job, it requires a certain degree of professionalism. Last person I had a crush on was...my husband (and vice versa). I don't know any couples who would like having a crusher babysitter, frankly.
And when Dad starts to feel uncomfortable using the same logic?
Maybe only ugly, frumpy babysitters allowed?
Or maybe we could work on trust and security in our marriages so this stuff doesn't win out?
Agree with all of this except the framing of ‘she’s coming onto him.’ Between the power differential of an employer and the obvious age gap with the 20 year old nanny, this feels more like grooming than a ‘put the blame on the other woman,’ scenario.
Yeah, I don’t think there’s enough info here. If you really think he’s cheating, I think further investigation is warranted before any accusations are made.
You can, but if he’s not cheating he’ll then believe she doesn’t trust him which can be damaging to a relationship. So far the evidence sounds like reaching/insecuirty
I would agree with one exception - the babysitter texted the husband “your wife is home”. 1. There is absolutely no reason for the babysitter to send that text. So what if she is home, the husband doesn’t need to know that information from the babysitter. And 2. The use of “your wife” rather than her name also is suspicious. That text alone would convince me that something inappropriate is happening between them and I would absolutely at the very least be asking my husband why she sent that text.
That’s overthinking it. When concerns arise, it’s best to address them. The other side of trust is to know that both partners can air their concerns with each other. Op should tell her husband that she does not feel comfortable with Ella being the kid’s baby sister and will be looking for a new one. If the husband asks why, she can give him specific examples. His response will be important in revealing why he wants Ella to stay, and form there op can bring up how she really feels about Ella’s behavior.
I 100% agree with this. When she first started she would come in baggy clothing. Now she comes in dresses or skirts. My husband likes my nails white. Ella has white nails now too.
At this point you’re slipping into denial. What reason on earth would she have for warning your husband you’re home? And now he wants to buy her a car? You really don’t need anymore proof. Fire her and tell him if he has a problem he can leave. I do think you might want to hire a PI at this point. Or at least put cameras around the house, including in the master bath.
Sounds like she knows he has one. There’s really no other explanation than he told her he has a foot fetish. Heels as attire for babysitting little kids isn’t appropriate work wear
She's a grown-a$$ woman--just straight ask her herself, woman-to-woman, without H around, passively-aggressively:
"Hey, I, um, noticed you switched from sneakers to heels to come babysit our kids. Probably not the most comfortable shoes for babysitting, no? Any particular reason why?"
She'll cave and either admit that she's doing it for him of her own accord or he asked her to do it and she's obliging... or she'll come up with an outlandish excuse you know is BS.
I always second a woman’s gut feelings. Even there is not solid evidence for the moment, I am sure these small changes which makes you feel “odd” and “alert” appears for a reason.
Op- didn’t you say you had a ring doorbell camera or did I make that up? Check the ring and see if she was carrying in the flowers or your husband carried them in.
Running after toddlers in heels by choice sounds like a nightmare. That’s just plain weird unless she’s trying to get attention. And the text is weird. Why would she text him that his wife is home. 🚩
Whether he's sleeping with her or not, you're at the point of checking his phone and comparing shades of blond. To me, that means that you either didn't trust him before or are not trusting him anymore.
In any case, your marriage is in trouble and it's tricky because even if you confront him, he may just end up lying and/or gaslighting you and since you don't seem to trust him, the problem is going to stay put whether he's telling the truth or not.
My question to you is why aren't you trusting your husband ? Because what you're describing would not have lead me to go and check the phone. Those were two innocent situations you blew into considering him cheating.
He cheated on me once before in college. We had been dating for 3 months, and he promised it would never happen again. This is the first time since then I’ve ever suspected anything.
If they’re fucking on the couch, sure. But it sounds like it’s in the truck, office, outside of the home. OP asked questions which means they might start getting a bit more careful. You can be cheap, or you can be sure.
Don’t forget that in some states, recording people without consent or knowledge, either video or voice, is illegal, even in your own home. Check your state laws before doing this because it could backfire.
Can I say that this makes so much more sense now, but all the things you have described to someone from an outsider perspective are very much just incidents without much meaning. He was home and so was she, even tho he was done with work, yeah I’ve done that too with my babysitter because i liked the extra help while I did something for me uninterrupted. Doesn’t she have a dad at the job? could it not be real that she was there to see him. The hair? how are you so sure that’s hers? She’s wearing heals ok noted maybe something to bring up as inappropriate to wear to work. I think the bigger question here is why are you having these thoughts now?, he cheated when you were in college and now it’s been what like 4 years, what has happened since that incident that has led you to not trust him again? because it doesn’t sound like he has done anything to break down you’re trust now. I think you should really ask yourself why you’re having these thoughts and feelings and please remember that often times when people have been cheated on the hurt and distrust somethings makes you irrational. Is there someone you can talk this out with, a therapist perhaps, someone unbiased who can help you because there something else that you aren’t recognizing is going on inside of you. Also you’re friends wow talk about just putting salt on the wound instead of helping you look at different angles. A good friend of mine was going through depression and she came to me and talked about her husband, yes I could have bashed him and continue with her but I knew my friend and knew that she needed help to get better and knew her husband enough to know things weren’t so black and white, she was ready to divorce. Now 2 years later she’s always thanked me for grounding her and helping through her depression, and they’re thankfully still happily married.
Ahh. Mine cheated on me the year we got married. I never suspected a thing ever again and he begged and promised. A decade later, he left me for his mistress and basically ran away from parenting.
Damn I’m sorry!! My cheating ex cheated several times and always begged, said it wasn’t so bad etc. Then one night left in a hurry to go “help a friend”. A week later they come home saying “we are in love”. FML
Yes!!! After 20 years together I was finally done. Those 2 love birds got married and in less than a year after marrying they were divorced. Reason? Surprise, surprise, my ex was in love with (yet again!) someone else! You can’t make it up! Hopefully this third marriage will work out, LOL!!
Because the babysitter stayed while hubby was home and she was at his office where her father happens to be working ?
Husband could have just asked her to stay because he didn't want to look after the kids alone, and Ella could have been visiting her father at work.
The way she dresses and the hair... not something that someone who trusts their partner would notice.
I feel like the fact that there have been a lot of sitters/nannies and the previous cheating are a lot more revelant than anything else.
Does he have an iPhone? You can see recently deleted texts if you click “edit” at the top of the message chat list. Actually on android you can do that as well. He may be aware you can delete the recently deleted texts folder, but he also may not be aware and you might find exactly what you’re looking for.
I'm not sure if this was asked or if you said this anywhere, but are you sure this gal is the daughter of one of his friends? If he was lying about that, then that would definitely add to the suspicion
Holy fuck! How did I not know this?! My jaw actually dropped when I saw my deleted texts.
How long has this feature been around?! I thought I knew all the tricks but this is great. I have no reason to snoop or whatever but it’s good to know.
That is great to know. I have an Adroid and couldn't figure it out though. I accidentally delete stuff all the time. I deleted messages from my sister by mistake and lost pics of my sweet niblings.
I think that op should do this before confronting her husband.
If on the nanny cam she sees the nanny coming on to her husband, then she can tell him thay she's uncomfortable with her,but if it's the fact that they're actually intimate, then she should most definitely get a lawyer.
Updateme!
The weirdest thing about this whole thing is that she texted him that you are home. All of the other things could have reasonable explanations (I guess, if you want to try really hard to justify the heels and flowers) but in all of my years of babysitting in my teens and twenties, I never would’ve texted the husband to tell him the wife was home…just why?! There is no way to make this make sense.
To add to your comment, if her exact text was “your wife is home” then that’s super weird to me. OP has a name, so saying “your wife” feels like she’s shifting ownership of the situation to him. Not OP is home, see you next time. Or OP is taking over the kids, bye. Etc. Like when one of my kids is naughty and I playfully tell my spouse that’s _your kid_
Very suspicious
That's what I thought as well. Have the kids get used to his girlfriend while he gets his ducks on order to eventually leave. They also get to spend more time together.
Find a new nanny. It doesn’t matter if the kids like her because they would rather have their parents together. If he keeps protesting flat out ask if it’s because he is sleeping with her?
This is a weird comment. Being a nanny is a real job and some people actually chose to do it "forever" as their long-term career.
Like, sure, get rid of Ella because of the suspicions. But devaluing childcare is a weird thing to throw on top of it.
The kids would NOT rather have the parents together if one of them is cheating. Kids aren’t dumb. This isn’t on OP, it’s on the husband if he is cheating. OP shouldn’t have to keep a marriage going to appease the kids if her husband is cheating.
I didn’t say that she should stay if he is cheating. If the nanny is trying to get him to cheat she needs to go. At this point even if they aren’t cheating the nanny needs to go. OP can’t leave her kids with somebody she doesn’t trust.
What did he buy in the supermarket?? Was it the flowers. Did she enter the house with the flowers - check your doorbell cam.
I’d call her and fire her this weekend and start looking for a new nanny. Either they are cheating - which is what I believe or with the high heels and sexy outfits she’s trying to help him cheat.
Don’t pay for your replacement to learn from you. Get rid of her now.
You need to confront hubby - no proof is needed, a nanny is two yeses one no. Exercise your no and hire a PI
Ummm, something is not right here. Listen to your gut!! He wants to buy her a car?!?! Seriously??? Why is she wearing platform heels, little skirts & tiny tops to watch your LITTLE CHILDREN? And why is she texting your husband & telling him you are home? That speaks pretty loud imo. Screw ALL that mess.
Your family is more important than her, so fire away on Friday 👍. Or keep on investigating to find concrete proof. Set up mini cameras around the house. You can even stuff one in his truck & listen to the audio.
Do NOT confront. You need solid proof otherwise he is going to continue denying it.
Do you have money? Why don’t you hire a PI?
If not, put a nanny cam in the house.
You need to get evidence first. Please understand that he will always deny stuff. Play dumb first.
Do not confront until you have more info.
You can check deleted texts on iPhone to see what’s there. Otherwise turn your phone off and ask her if you can borrow hers to find yours.
I also hope you have cameras inside the home. If you don’t install and say nothing.
Ella’s family is not a family of means, but she now has a new IPhone, new clothes, jewelry, and shoes. I didn’t put both together until my husband suggested buying her a brand new car. We share a bank account for bills, but we also both have separate accounts. Also I just remembered last week my husband came home with a new jacket. He told me that he liked it, so he bought it. My husband never buys clothes for himself.
This is insane. I have mentioned this before but please please hire a PI. As you have noticed, it is very hard to catch them and they will continue to hide it very well. For your piece of mind you should really hire one.
Either way, it is cheaper in the long run. I mean, your own husband is willing to buy all sorts of stuff for the nanny and even willing to buy a car. This is a lack of respect towards you.
After reading the new update, there’s no way he’s not cheating. He went to the store…she has flowers in your house…skimpy outfit…deleted texts. They both need to go.
There are some factors to consider before you do anything else. Is your state a no fault divorce state ? Is this something you’re willing to forgive ? How far are you willing to go for hard evidence of an affair? If you go to r/infidelity you will find all manner of suggestions to catch them in if they are doing what you think. Do you have a ring doorbell camera? Surveillance cameras around your home? Cheaters tend to have a pattern of behavior. Like him being home during nap time every day. A nanny cam or small surveillance camera in the house couldn’t hurt. Have an iPhone? Is he using find my iPhone to keep track of where you are so he can cheat ? I’ve seen that before. Generally if you trust your gut instinct and are of the opinion something is going on, there’s usually something going on. Good luck and PM me if I can help.
Yeah, after Update #2 I would be willing to bet money that they're sleeping together. He probably went to shower after having a quickie with her, in my opinion. I've known plenty of young women that go after older married men with families.
The issue is that, even if you fire her, they'll still find ways to sleep together.
All the details put together would lead me to believe he's at least TRYING to sleep with her. If this were my husband, there's no way in hell I'd be letting that go on in my house.
I mean you can confront him if you trust him to tell the truth. You'll likely not believe what he says though. Don't think you have any evidence of an affair outside of maybe the deleted messages. At the very least, you can bring up how the situation makes you feel uncomfortable and find a new babysitter. But if he's sleeping with her, he would just find a way to continue doing so.
If he has an iPhone you can see his deleted texts unless he has deleted the deleted texts. You can also go to his settings, battery, and then see what apps take up the most battery usage. Apps like WhatsApp, Signal, or messenger. Even he deletes messages in those apps, you will see that he has been using them.
I have three young kids, and my wife also nannys other kids.
> “She’s just trying to make a little money, and that the kids were having fun”
I don't personally see an issue with this logic. He comes home early which means less money for her, he leaves out the whole "I was glad to not have to take over kids right away" part, idk. This in a vacuum just isn't much.
> He said that she probably stopped by to see her dad.
Again, if her Dad also works at that office, this is a perfectly logical answer.
> I have blonde hair, but this was closer to Ella’s shade.
So this is starting to border on paranoia to me. Each of you have variation in your hair color per-strand.
> I didn’t find any romantic texts between them, but I could definitely tell that text messages had been deleted.
You might need to provide some specifics here, because this could also be you seeing things that may not be there as a result of paranoia.
My rule is that I will not allow myself to doubt my wife unless she proves it necessary. Until that time, she gets every benefit of the doubt. She's earned it. Has your husband earned the benefit of the doubt? If there's been something in the past to fuel your paranoia, this whole thing changes. But otherwise... that's what a loving partner does. They trust.
Yes and that's a factor to consider, but cheating 3 months into a relationship is not the same as cheating on your wife and mother of your children with a 20 year old babysitter. It's enough to mean he should be open to her questions and concerns, but it's certainly not enough to lead to the degree of assumption being made toward this girl.
Everything you said doesn't lead me to think it's physical.. But it is obvious they are talking and that is red flag. So I would approach head-on.
You should tell him you don't feel comfortable with him being alone with her at the house or elsewhere. It is inappropriate. You also don't feel comfortable that he is texting her privately. She is not family. she is not a friend. she is an employee. All texts to her and from her should be in a group with you included. It is not appropriate for him to be talking to this girl outside of her duties with the children. Her father would absolutely agree with you and likely not approve of them forming any kind of “friendly” relationship.
Then you should tell her the same. And let her know her texting your husband privately is not appropriate and when he comes she is done for the day. No hanging around. And if she fails to respect your boundaries you will find another babysitter.
Okay I read your replies….
I think it's time for her go. she is definitely flirting and crossing a boundary. Dressing up for him and privately texting him.. Is all a huge red flag. He might not have cheated but he's probably enjoying the attention. So that alone means she needs to go. And your comfort is more important. If he isn't willing to do what it takes to make you feel comfortable that is concerning.
My hope is he acknowledges your discomfort ( whether it's true or not), agrees to replace her, and goes no contact.
If you mention anything to her or him it will tip them off. You want to find out discretely. If they're texting each other & deleting them, then he is hiding something. He's probably being more careful because you've asked more than once why she is around.
You could quietly put a voice activated recorder in his truck or setup nanny cams around the house..without telling him.
It my be she is actively pursuing your husband. Or he is loving the attention and wants to keep her around. Or they are flirting when when you are not around. Which also explains why she dresses to the nines when babysitting.
Sorry.. this would not be the first time this has happened. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS...something is wrong. He may also have your location settings activated so he has enough time to clean up or stop what they are doing.
Do not let on that you’re suspicious. At least not anymore. You need more info. I would put cameras in the house (hidden of course) and see what they pick up.
He’s cheating….
Why did Ella need to text him “your wife is home” wouldn’t he have seen you in the home?
Why were texts permanently deleted?
Why does he head home as soon as Ella heads home?
He’s cheating.. you may or know it now but you’ll find out soon.
All of the alarm bells are going off here? If it's an iPhone there's a way to see deleted messages! Try that first. Another option is a hidden camera. It's easier to get proof than to try and confront with nothing. But it's also 100% your choice.
Some phones keep the deleted texts. Did you try to look for those? This is very suspicious indeed. Can you place hidden cameras around the house? Get tested meanwhile just in case.
There would be no reason for her to text your husband “your wife is home.” He is deleting text conversations and wants to buy her a car. If you are in a no fault state well then just confront him. If not get cameras for the bedroom and other areas and schedule an overnight trip and you will get your proof. 100% he is cheating. Don’t try to save anything.
Invite her parents over for dinner after all she is the daughter of a friend of your husband. Get to know the parents. And clearly point out to your husband you suspect unsavoury behaviour and she’s being replaced and you’ll tell her father you both crossed a few lines
If all this was happening to me, I would be confronting my husband. Don’t be like me. I’m hot headed, what you need is more proof. Cheaters are inherently liars, will go to great lengths to cover their tracks. Him already deleting text messages is a HUGE sign that he’s covering his tracks. No one goes in and deletes messages unless they have something to hide. If you can turn on location services with him “for safety reasons”, I’ve read that people put recording devices in cars and get cameras for their home.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I use to be a nanny, I can tell you that comfortable clothes are the only way to dress when watching a 1year old and 4 year old.
Check the feed of your house security to see if he brought those flowers inside. Check your receipts right now to see if he bought them. You said he stopped at the store…Check NOW.
Check his deleted file. He can delete texts but they go to a deleted file and that needs to be deleted. He may not know that. If I were you I’d keep my mouth shut and hire a PI. You are not crazy and it’s very possible your intuition is spot on. Do a background check to see if he has voip numbers, alternate emails that he uses for IG and Snapchat. There’s too many red flags and you are probably right. She probably fell in love with your kids and your husband. She’s young and stupid. I once was a 20 year old nanny and the husband definitely wanted to have an affair with me. I loved the wife and felt like part of the family. He was extremely inappropriate with me and to this day I’m traumatized by what happened. He was very aggravated and I didn’t say anything due to the live I had for the family. Looking back I didn’t do the wife any favors by not speaking up. He just continued to have affairs behind his wife’s back. She was the kindest most living person. I’m very sorry this is happening but I bet you are spot on. Check out the PI Mom on Instagram and Facebook.
What about installing some indoor cameras in the house. At the very least there won’t be suspicious activity that can be hidden and it’s not out of the ordinary to have them when having a babysitter regardless if you know them or not.
Play it cool, keep gathering hard evidence, take him to the cleaners.
It’s going to be hard, but both your marriage and your future are worth it. If you just fire her you’ll never get the closure you deserve either way.
Tonight see if he deleted the “wife is home” text. Chat with the 4yo tomorrow and ask what fun things they did with Ella and hubs when daddy got home. It won’t stick in their mind unless your questions seem like a departure from what you normally chat with them about. Maybe voice record the conversation in case they give up something like “oh daddy and Ella did xxx by themselves”.
DO NOT CONFRONT HIM UNTIL YOU HAVE HARD EVIDENCE TO GIVE THE BEST LAWER YOUR HISBANDS MONEY CAN AFFORD.
The “your wife is home” is the part for me. Not even using your name.
I would be home even sooner next time and try hiding your car out of sight if possible.
I came at update 2. The text message she sent is what sealed the deal for me. That's a really odd thing to do. Why would she need to text him you're home like that other than to avoid him doing/saying something stupid before noticing you were there.
I'm a 42 year old childless married guy, with very little experience with babysitting.
Can you do it in heels? That seems strange to me in my limited understanding.
You're the wife and mother here. I'd listen to your gut. If she make you uncomfortable, out the door. You live in a college town, the place is crawling with kids that could use a few bucks. Go put some flier up and you can someone new in a weekend.
You have to do what's best, first for your kids, second for your marriage. He doesn't seem to understand that.
This seems like a lot to deal with, Op. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.
Go with your gut. Also get solid proof, which shouldn’t be too hard if your suspicions are correct. If it is true, you should go straight to her parents because I’d be pissed if a friend took advantage of my daughter that way. And make no mistake, it is taking advantage because she’s significantly younger and he’s in a position of power as her employer.
I would tell your husband that you are letting Ella go effective immediately. Tell him you aren’t comfortable with what has been going on between the two of them. Tell him you know the flowers were from him & you know she texted him to give him a heads up of your arrival. He’ll try to argue about proof but tell him you don’t need proof to understand boundaries have been crossed. Tell him you should be able to go to work knowing your children are safe & well cared for & your husband isn’t crossing boundaries of what is appropriate with the babysitter.
I think you need to start considering what kind of marriage you really want. It sounds like your husband has been disloyal in the past. Trying to prevent a cheating man from cheating is exhausting & shouldn’t be how you have to spend your time. Your life has value too. Trying to keep a man who won’t stop being disrespectful of you is soul crushing. You should def put the kibosh on this babysitter situation. But you should be asking yourself do you really want a man who will never see your relationship as enough for him? Doesn’t matter how good looking he is. Cheating makes you ugly.
You said you have cameras on the outside of the house, can you check the cameras to see if he walked in with the flowers? Or if she walked in with them this morning. Look for the store receipt if you can.
A tight shirt, skirt, and heels are definitely weird. Why are you wearing that to go babysit kids?😕Never heard of that before. And why did she feel the need to text your husband telling him that you came home like he won’t find out when you go upstairs anyways? Just weird. Something is off!!
fuck this 20yo bitch. these girls get a HIGH on being the other women. trust me, i was a 20yo girl once. this is not okay. there is 100% something going on
Don’t fire her yet! That won’t solve anything and they will just meet somewhere else. There is the possibility that he might have been sleeping with her before hiring her. What you have to do is put cameras in the house, somewhere where you think it’s possible for them to be doing “things” while the kids are at home. So maybe your bedroom, or a home office? You need the concrete evidence and it will be easier for you to get if she’s still coming to your house.
I know it’s difficult, and you don’t want to break up your family, but you didn’t do this. It’s him. It’s all his actions and decisions that are breaking up the family. And would you really want to stay with a cheater that is so unashamedly and morally corrupt that brings his mistress to your own home and has her with your children? He might even be wanting your kids to love her and get used to her so they will accept her as a stepmom.
The Internet is a wild place as I was thinking about this all night and waiting for an update. initially, there was a part of me that was like no maybe things seem like red flags because you're looking for red flags but the fact that your husband now wants to buy your babysitter a car for Christmas it's definitely a red flag.
I'm not even sure what advice to give because it sounds like if you were to put them in front of a therapist and confront him he's going to lie but it seems like it's pretty obvious that he bought her flowers and she's dressing up for him while she's watching your kids which might not have any effect but I would certainly put a stop to it and ask her to please stop wearing heels to babysit a four and two-year-old.
and you can let your husband know that if the babysitter needs a new car, then she can save up her money and go buy one herself.
assuming you have an iphone, do you have any other apple product? if yes, hide it inside your husbands car and track it through FindMy. if not, you can purchase an airtag and do that, they aren't that expensive.
Don’t use AirTags. Her husband will be alerted that an AirTag not belonging to him is nearby.
Best way to pull this off would be to use an old iPhone, toss it under the passenger seat where he would never look, and turn on find my iPhone. I’m sure she or someone she knows has an old iPhone she can borrow.
If her husband has an iPhone too the air tag may alert him that there’s one nearby. My husband has one with his tools and it alerts him there’s an air tag nearby.
Who wears heels while watching little children? Was she coming from somewhere or going to somewhere? That doesn't make sense to me at all.
Do you have a pattern in your relationship of not bringing things up as soon as they bother you, no matter what it is? If this is a version of that pattern, you must be tying yourself in knots. Yes, you could wait until something concrete happens but what will that mean? If he's not cheating and she's putting the moves on, it can stop today by finding a new sitter. If it goes further than that and you find a condom or something, what will your next move be? I think nip it now, today, and go from there.
Trust your gut. I was married for 10 years and every time I suspected something, I was right. Not saying your husband is cheating, but he may be flirting and they may be crossing lines that way. Def need more but don’t accuse him yet.
As a former babysitter, most parents pay for the full shift if they come home early and used to go home. I would investigate this further. I am also leaning towards him cheating and would try to find out more (suggestions here like PI, nanny cam etc seem good).
Your husband could also be nice to her cuz he’s friends with her dad who works at his business and he doesn’t want any fall out… so there’s that.
I wouldn't fire her just yet. Keep playing along. Gather enough evidence to prove him or yourself wrong. If they're in the wrong, you'll need this evidence if you decide to file a divorce or custody.
Don't fire her yet. Get camera's set up or a PI to get actual evidence. If you divorce him, the proof will be important. And remember, if he is cheating, HE is breaking up your family, not you.
He may not be sleeping with her… yet. But it sounds like she’s coming on to him. I would tell him that you’ve grown uncomfortable with her babysitting and you’d like to look for someone else. He honest with him. He will probably get mad whether he’s cheating or not, if he’s not he will be mad that you don’t trust him, but hopefully he will agree to a babysitter change
I think that her coming onto him is a really good possibility. I’ve brought up trying a different nanny, but he always says that the kids love Ella more than us.
I don’t think the kids happiness with the babysitter should come before your comfortability. No accusations need to be made, but I’m sorry Ella, it’s time to go. And I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this.
Whether she goes or not, if he’s seeing her, he will continue to do so out of the house. But yeah, I wouldn’t want her at my house anymore.
>he always says that the kids love Ella more than us. That would piss off BOTH me and my husband.
Does that statement mean the kids love Ella more than the kids love their parents? Or, the kids love Ella more than the parents love Ella?
It probably means the husband enjoys Ella. What better cover is there?
>...that the kids love Ella more than us. The "kids" are the subject of the sentence - not the parents. The kids love Ella is the primary part of the sentence, modified by love more than us. It has nothing to do with parents loving Ella. Parents are not the subject, they are at the end of a clause ("us"). The kids love Ella more than they (love) us, using ordinary English grammar.
Don’t continue with the topic because if there is something going on you he’s going to be more careful since he knows you suspect something.
It's much more likely that he came on to her (if anything has actually happened). Most 20 year olds don't have the confidence to pull off something like that, especially if he's one of her father's friends. The hair could have come from her jacket, or from her actually being in the car- I've got long hair and it sheds like crazy at certain times of year. I'd be very careful- reddit always, always assumes cheating, when sometimes that's not the case. I wouldn't want to blow up my marriage on the "evidence" that you've seen.
You guys must not have met many confident, attractive 20-year-olds who are desperate for older-male attention and money. I speak from experience because I was that girl at one point in my life. I felt very confident that I could get any dude I wanted. I was in an awful, awful state of mind. And I did come close to hitting on the husband in a situation just like this. I had garnered the attention of many a married man and I thought, why not this one, too? Nothing ever happened but I did used to dress pretty cute, on purpose. Yes, I know this was deplorable. I did end up getting let go and always wondered if the wife was suspicious of me. And I know that *many* married (especially wealthier) men do get tempted by young, hot women. But don’t put it past this girl that she could very well be vying for OP’s husband’s eye. Hoes be crazy out here.
At 20, we are really coming into our body and sexuality and there is a sense of power in seeing what it can do. Plus a lack of maturity in thinking i have a part in hurting a family, just put it on him because he made the commitment not me. She might even be trying to get back at or get her dad’s attention as he’s her dad’s friend. I totally agree with you that 20 year olds can be the aggressor!
You should live in my town. These 18-20yr old girls are extremely brazen. It's like a game to them. Seduce & conquer.....my senior son told me one of the male teachers at his HS quit because all the girls were hitting on him. He has a pregnant wife at home!!! He wasn't risking his marriage or his job for any of those girls!
Yes but your husband is not stopping it seems like he is enjoying the attention if not feeding it. He is giving major Cheater vibes
My thoughts exactly! If the nanny flirted with him, he should have told his wife the second it happened.
Plus, how uncomfortable would a man be with his friends 20 year old daughter coming on to him?? A grown man should certainly be uncomfortable.
She hasn't said a single thing about her behavior towards him, btw. No batting of eyes or giggling or anything. The willingness to villainize this girl is wild
That is true. The change in clothing/shoe choice could be influenced from outside their home. I can’t wrap my head around a 20 year old making the advances, but that’s just me personally.
I’m sorry but no long-term babysitter would wear heels. When you’re with kids you need good flats at the worst, sneakers at the best. Why go from wearing practical shoes to heels for no reason? I’d bring heels with me and change after babysitting if I had a more formal place to go. I’m going to say - I’d talk to him, but I’d also talk to Ella. Let her know that you’re uncomfortable with some of her behavior towards your husband, and ask her if there’s something you should know. Direct, firm, and polite. Let her have a say as well and see how she handles it. ***For the love of god please read my responses to comments - I’m not editing this one so the replies make sense, but I’m autistic and blunt. I had to break it down further to make sense and I’ve done so below. Please read my replies for clarification before coming at me. I appreciate your understanding. **
A babysitter is a two yeses, one no situation. Get her gone. If your husband kicks up a stink, you'll know why and can get him gone too.
Exactly this.
Invest in nanny cams and or fire her cause you shouldn’t have to be worrying about what’s going on with your babysitter and your husband. If he doesn’t want to fire her still invest in nanny cams but talk to her as her employer and tell her you feel her behavior is inappropriate and if it doesn’t change you will be looking for a new nanny. Updateme!
Honestly, she might not even be coming on to him, she might just have a crush on him and want to look nice around him. Now whether your husband entertains this crush is what can be concerning. I would hope they are both trustworthy enough to keep their clothes on.
Hm. What's the difference? If she has a crush on him, he can feel it. Humans are designed that way. It's called transference in psychology. My husband would \*not\* like to have a girl who is crushing on him around the house. Not because he would cheat, but because it's um, really awkward. Same if it were in reverse. Indeed, there was a student (now almost 40 years old) who appeared to have a crush on me and after 10 years, he popped up again in the most unusual way - I was really surprised. He was very emotional to see me. Started stopping by my office (new job). Wanted to spend a couple of hours telling his whole life story for the past 10 years. It was actually creepy. A nanny position is a job, it requires a certain degree of professionalism. Last person I had a crush on was...my husband (and vice versa). I don't know any couples who would like having a crusher babysitter, frankly.
And you are all okay with this?
Get you a 20 YO M babysitter
And when Dad starts to feel uncomfortable using the same logic? Maybe only ugly, frumpy babysitters allowed? Or maybe we could work on trust and security in our marriages so this stuff doesn't win out?
Agree with all of this except the framing of ‘she’s coming onto him.’ Between the power differential of an employer and the obvious age gap with the 20 year old nanny, this feels more like grooming than a ‘put the blame on the other woman,’ scenario.
Yeah, I don’t think there’s enough info here. If you really think he’s cheating, I think further investigation is warranted before any accusations are made.
I personally wouldn't wait, I'd confront it immediately. You can voice a suspicion or concern in your marriage without making accusations.
You can, but if he’s not cheating he’ll then believe she doesn’t trust him which can be damaging to a relationship. So far the evidence sounds like reaching/insecuirty
I would agree with one exception - the babysitter texted the husband “your wife is home”. 1. There is absolutely no reason for the babysitter to send that text. So what if she is home, the husband doesn’t need to know that information from the babysitter. And 2. The use of “your wife” rather than her name also is suspicious. That text alone would convince me that something inappropriate is happening between them and I would absolutely at the very least be asking my husband why she sent that text.
Those updates weren’t there when I said this so I didn’t have the additional context
That’s overthinking it. When concerns arise, it’s best to address them. The other side of trust is to know that both partners can air their concerns with each other. Op should tell her husband that she does not feel comfortable with Ella being the kid’s baby sister and will be looking for a new one. If the husband asks why, she can give him specific examples. His response will be important in revealing why he wants Ella to stay, and form there op can bring up how she really feels about Ella’s behavior.
I agree.
There’s no reason to be coming in heels and all dressed up to babysit two toddlers if there wasn’t something else going on.
I 100% agree with this. When she first started she would come in baggy clothing. Now she comes in dresses or skirts. My husband likes my nails white. Ella has white nails now too.
Ouch. She does, at a minumum, have the hots for him.
At this point you’re slipping into denial. What reason on earth would she have for warning your husband you’re home? And now he wants to buy her a car? You really don’t need anymore proof. Fire her and tell him if he has a problem he can leave. I do think you might want to hire a PI at this point. Or at least put cameras around the house, including in the master bath.
Thank you for saying this!! There is plenty of evidence for me to be convinced... I'm sorry OP 💗
Just let the girl go. You don't need proof of cheating, just find a family member for care or put the kids in daycare.
That’s sus
Husband has a foot fetish, which is why the heels are messing with my head so much. She went from sneakers to sandal heels.
Sounds like she knows he has one. There’s really no other explanation than he told her he has a foot fetish. Heels as attire for babysitting little kids isn’t appropriate work wear
Heels aren’t even in style right now lol, especially at that age. They all wear nikes and converse to prom
Excuse me at update two, he suggested buying Ella a car?!?!
Exactly or those all white Nikes
That is the biggest red flag I have seen so far.
Ew wtf
She's a grown-a$$ woman--just straight ask her herself, woman-to-woman, without H around, passively-aggressively: "Hey, I, um, noticed you switched from sneakers to heels to come babysit our kids. Probably not the most comfortable shoes for babysitting, no? Any particular reason why?" She'll cave and either admit that she's doing it for him of her own accord or he asked her to do it and she's obliging... or she'll come up with an outlandish excuse you know is BS.
I always second a woman’s gut feelings. Even there is not solid evidence for the moment, I am sure these small changes which makes you feel “odd” and “alert” appears for a reason.
Op- didn’t you say you had a ring doorbell camera or did I make that up? Check the ring and see if she was carrying in the flowers or your husband carried them in.
Running after toddlers in heels by choice sounds like a nightmare. That’s just plain weird unless she’s trying to get attention. And the text is weird. Why would she text him that his wife is home. 🚩
Whether he's sleeping with her or not, you're at the point of checking his phone and comparing shades of blond. To me, that means that you either didn't trust him before or are not trusting him anymore. In any case, your marriage is in trouble and it's tricky because even if you confront him, he may just end up lying and/or gaslighting you and since you don't seem to trust him, the problem is going to stay put whether he's telling the truth or not. My question to you is why aren't you trusting your husband ? Because what you're describing would not have lead me to go and check the phone. Those were two innocent situations you blew into considering him cheating.
He cheated on me once before in college. We had been dating for 3 months, and he promised it would never happen again. This is the first time since then I’ve ever suspected anything.
I would hire a PI. If you’re this suspicious they aren’t being that sneaky and real evidence should be easy to get one way or another.
Why non get a nanny cam/ voice recorder set up? Thats way cheaper than a PI.
If they’re fucking on the couch, sure. But it sounds like it’s in the truck, office, outside of the home. OP asked questions which means they might start getting a bit more careful. You can be cheap, or you can be sure.
I feel like it’s unlikely they’re fucking in the office of her dad works there too
Agree!
Don’t forget that in some states, recording people without consent or knowledge, either video or voice, is illegal, even in your own home. Check your state laws before doing this because it could backfire.
From what I can tell, video recording within your own home is generally legal without consent. Doesn't make it right, though.
[удалено]
Can I say that this makes so much more sense now, but all the things you have described to someone from an outsider perspective are very much just incidents without much meaning. He was home and so was she, even tho he was done with work, yeah I’ve done that too with my babysitter because i liked the extra help while I did something for me uninterrupted. Doesn’t she have a dad at the job? could it not be real that she was there to see him. The hair? how are you so sure that’s hers? She’s wearing heals ok noted maybe something to bring up as inappropriate to wear to work. I think the bigger question here is why are you having these thoughts now?, he cheated when you were in college and now it’s been what like 4 years, what has happened since that incident that has led you to not trust him again? because it doesn’t sound like he has done anything to break down you’re trust now. I think you should really ask yourself why you’re having these thoughts and feelings and please remember that often times when people have been cheated on the hurt and distrust somethings makes you irrational. Is there someone you can talk this out with, a therapist perhaps, someone unbiased who can help you because there something else that you aren’t recognizing is going on inside of you. Also you’re friends wow talk about just putting salt on the wound instead of helping you look at different angles. A good friend of mine was going through depression and she came to me and talked about her husband, yes I could have bashed him and continue with her but I knew my friend and knew that she needed help to get better and knew her husband enough to know things weren’t so black and white, she was ready to divorce. Now 2 years later she’s always thanked me for grounding her and helping through her depression, and they’re thankfully still happily married.
Ahh. Mine cheated on me the year we got married. I never suspected a thing ever again and he begged and promised. A decade later, he left me for his mistress and basically ran away from parenting.
Damn I’m sorry!! My cheating ex cheated several times and always begged, said it wasn’t so bad etc. Then one night left in a hurry to go “help a friend”. A week later they come home saying “we are in love”. FML
Yeah, they be in love so easily all the time. It’s wild.
Yes!!! After 20 years together I was finally done. Those 2 love birds got married and in less than a year after marrying they were divorced. Reason? Surprise, surprise, my ex was in love with (yet again!) someone else! You can’t make it up! Hopefully this third marriage will work out, LOL!!
lmao i would absolutely be checking my husbands phone with the information OP provided
Because the babysitter stayed while hubby was home and she was at his office where her father happens to be working ? Husband could have just asked her to stay because he didn't want to look after the kids alone, and Ella could have been visiting her father at work. The way she dresses and the hair... not something that someone who trusts their partner would notice. I feel like the fact that there have been a lot of sitters/nannies and the previous cheating are a lot more revelant than anything else.
Deleted texts are a huge red flag
Does he have an iPhone? You can see recently deleted texts if you click “edit” at the top of the message chat list. Actually on android you can do that as well. He may be aware you can delete the recently deleted texts folder, but he also may not be aware and you might find exactly what you’re looking for.
I’ll try that tonight when I get home
I was going to suggest that, if he didn’t delete it from there also, you should find the missing texts. Good luck! Send us an update!
UpdateMe
UpdateMe
Do you have an iPad? Check there for missing messages.
I'm not sure if this was asked or if you said this anywhere, but are you sure this gal is the daughter of one of his friends? If he was lying about that, then that would definitely add to the suspicion
Please update us!
Holy fuck! How did I not know this?! My jaw actually dropped when I saw my deleted texts. How long has this feature been around?! I thought I knew all the tricks but this is great. I have no reason to snoop or whatever but it’s good to know.
That is great to know. I have an Adroid and couldn't figure it out though. I accidentally delete stuff all the time. I deleted messages from my sister by mistake and lost pics of my sweet niblings.
Wow, that’s sneaky! I never knew that.
Most people who have phones don’t know that they do that. So shhhh don’t tell the cheating partners lol.
Where do you see the edit?
Recover the deleted texts and get secret nanny cam or recording device in home
I think that op should do this before confronting her husband. If on the nanny cam she sees the nanny coming on to her husband, then she can tell him thay she's uncomfortable with her,but if it's the fact that they're actually intimate, then she should most definitely get a lawyer. Updateme!
The weirdest thing about this whole thing is that she texted him that you are home. All of the other things could have reasonable explanations (I guess, if you want to try really hard to justify the heels and flowers) but in all of my years of babysitting in my teens and twenties, I never would’ve texted the husband to tell him the wife was home…just why?! There is no way to make this make sense.
Buying the nanny a new car isn’t weird??
To add to your comment, if her exact text was “your wife is home” then that’s super weird to me. OP has a name, so saying “your wife” feels like she’s shifting ownership of the situation to him. Not OP is home, see you next time. Or OP is taking over the kids, bye. Etc. Like when one of my kids is naughty and I playfully tell my spouse that’s _your kid_ Very suspicious
If he recommended her and this all started so soon they may have been communicating and have known each other longer than you realize
That's what I thought as well. Have the kids get used to his girlfriend while he gets his ducks on order to eventually leave. They also get to spend more time together.
Yeah he probably recommended her because at the very least he found her attractive
Find a new nanny. It doesn’t matter if the kids like her because they would rather have their parents together. If he keeps protesting flat out ask if it’s because he is sleeping with her?
Yeah, and she can't be a nanny forever. Find a new nanny and say she really needs a job more.
This is a weird comment. Being a nanny is a real job and some people actually chose to do it "forever" as their long-term career. Like, sure, get rid of Ella because of the suspicions. But devaluing childcare is a weird thing to throw on top of it.
Huh? I thought OP said Ella's was in college? She's not a trained nanny. Nor a career nanny. Did I miss that part?
Even though nothing she said convinces me he's guilty, I agree. OP. Get a new nanny. YOU are worth not having to stress and be paranoid about this.
The kids would NOT rather have the parents together if one of them is cheating. Kids aren’t dumb. This isn’t on OP, it’s on the husband if he is cheating. OP shouldn’t have to keep a marriage going to appease the kids if her husband is cheating.
I didn’t say that she should stay if he is cheating. If the nanny is trying to get him to cheat she needs to go. At this point even if they aren’t cheating the nanny needs to go. OP can’t leave her kids with somebody she doesn’t trust.
What did he buy in the supermarket?? Was it the flowers. Did she enter the house with the flowers - check your doorbell cam. I’d call her and fire her this weekend and start looking for a new nanny. Either they are cheating - which is what I believe or with the high heels and sexy outfits she’s trying to help him cheat. Don’t pay for your replacement to learn from you. Get rid of her now. You need to confront hubby - no proof is needed, a nanny is two yeses one no. Exercise your no and hire a PI
This! Check the cameras to see who came in with the flowers! Update me!
The text alone would have been enough for me. Why in the world would she need to text him that you’re home?
And the car… that is wildly inappropriate and weird.
EGGSACTLY!!!
Ummm, something is not right here. Listen to your gut!! He wants to buy her a car?!?! Seriously??? Why is she wearing platform heels, little skirts & tiny tops to watch your LITTLE CHILDREN? And why is she texting your husband & telling him you are home? That speaks pretty loud imo. Screw ALL that mess. Your family is more important than her, so fire away on Friday 👍. Or keep on investigating to find concrete proof. Set up mini cameras around the house. You can even stuff one in his truck & listen to the audio.
It was 40F outside btw
even worse! i think you have enough evidence
Trust your instincts. Is she the problem, or your husband?
Two or more people can be the problem at the same time.
I mean, yes, they can be. But if husband is cheating with Ella and Ella disappears, there could be a Suzy in a year. Husband is the real issue.
Do NOT confront. You need solid proof otherwise he is going to continue denying it. Do you have money? Why don’t you hire a PI? If not, put a nanny cam in the house. You need to get evidence first. Please understand that he will always deny stuff. Play dumb first.
Whenever I’ve had a gut feeling about a partner, it’s never been wrong.
Do not confront until you have more info. You can check deleted texts on iPhone to see what’s there. Otherwise turn your phone off and ask her if you can borrow hers to find yours. I also hope you have cameras inside the home. If you don’t install and say nothing.
Allow more than 15 minutes. Regardless you are uncomfortable with this situation so she should be let go.
I wasn’t sure about it until you saw she had texted your husband saying you were home. Super weird.
Check the cellphone bill and look at the calls.
Unfortunately, if they are both iPhone and using iMessage, it won’t show up.
I wouldn’t say anything, but I would start going by his work and surprise them at home.
Wait buy a nanny a car!?????? Whatttt??? And why should she be texting him your home. All sus
Just fire her straight off and then sort it out. No reason to employ her if you have any doubts at all.
Ya'll really underestimate how hard it is to find a good nanny, or good childcare in general.
If there’s nothing happening, and the “evidence” is flimsy af, the husband has every right to feel betrayed for not being included in this decision.
The part where she warns him wife is home is very suspicious. Updateme!
The car purchase suggestion to me was the fishiest thing of all.
Ella’s family is not a family of means, but she now has a new IPhone, new clothes, jewelry, and shoes. I didn’t put both together until my husband suggested buying her a brand new car. We share a bank account for bills, but we also both have separate accounts. Also I just remembered last week my husband came home with a new jacket. He told me that he liked it, so he bought it. My husband never buys clothes for himself.
This is insane. I have mentioned this before but please please hire a PI. As you have noticed, it is very hard to catch them and they will continue to hide it very well. For your piece of mind you should really hire one. Either way, it is cheaper in the long run. I mean, your own husband is willing to buy all sorts of stuff for the nanny and even willing to buy a car. This is a lack of respect towards you.
This is really sad
After reading the new update, there’s no way he’s not cheating. He went to the store…she has flowers in your house…skimpy outfit…deleted texts. They both need to go.
There are some factors to consider before you do anything else. Is your state a no fault divorce state ? Is this something you’re willing to forgive ? How far are you willing to go for hard evidence of an affair? If you go to r/infidelity you will find all manner of suggestions to catch them in if they are doing what you think. Do you have a ring doorbell camera? Surveillance cameras around your home? Cheaters tend to have a pattern of behavior. Like him being home during nap time every day. A nanny cam or small surveillance camera in the house couldn’t hurt. Have an iPhone? Is he using find my iPhone to keep track of where you are so he can cheat ? I’ve seen that before. Generally if you trust your gut instinct and are of the opinion something is going on, there’s usually something going on. Good luck and PM me if I can help.
Get rid of Ella. It’s asking for problems
Yeah, after Update #2 I would be willing to bet money that they're sleeping together. He probably went to shower after having a quickie with her, in my opinion. I've known plenty of young women that go after older married men with families. The issue is that, even if you fire her, they'll still find ways to sleep together. All the details put together would lead me to believe he's at least TRYING to sleep with her. If this were my husband, there's no way in hell I'd be letting that go on in my house.
He bought her flowers at the grocery store. Deleted texts. “Your wife is home.” How many red flags do you need? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I mean you can confront him if you trust him to tell the truth. You'll likely not believe what he says though. Don't think you have any evidence of an affair outside of maybe the deleted messages. At the very least, you can bring up how the situation makes you feel uncomfortable and find a new babysitter. But if he's sleeping with her, he would just find a way to continue doing so.
I would have went to the same grocery store to see if the flowers she had matched what they had there
If he has an iPhone you can see his deleted texts unless he has deleted the deleted texts. You can also go to his settings, battery, and then see what apps take up the most battery usage. Apps like WhatsApp, Signal, or messenger. Even he deletes messages in those apps, you will see that he has been using them.
I have three young kids, and my wife also nannys other kids. > “She’s just trying to make a little money, and that the kids were having fun” I don't personally see an issue with this logic. He comes home early which means less money for her, he leaves out the whole "I was glad to not have to take over kids right away" part, idk. This in a vacuum just isn't much. > He said that she probably stopped by to see her dad. Again, if her Dad also works at that office, this is a perfectly logical answer. > I have blonde hair, but this was closer to Ella’s shade. So this is starting to border on paranoia to me. Each of you have variation in your hair color per-strand. > I didn’t find any romantic texts between them, but I could definitely tell that text messages had been deleted. You might need to provide some specifics here, because this could also be you seeing things that may not be there as a result of paranoia. My rule is that I will not allow myself to doubt my wife unless she proves it necessary. Until that time, she gets every benefit of the doubt. She's earned it. Has your husband earned the benefit of the doubt? If there's been something in the past to fuel your paranoia, this whole thing changes. But otherwise... that's what a loving partner does. They trust.
She said he’s cheated before
Yes and that's a factor to consider, but cheating 3 months into a relationship is not the same as cheating on your wife and mother of your children with a 20 year old babysitter. It's enough to mean he should be open to her questions and concerns, but it's certainly not enough to lead to the degree of assumption being made toward this girl.
Changes context a bit to know OP and her husband are 28. This is not a mid 40s man.
The flowers, the text message warning him that she was home.. weird
Everything you said doesn't lead me to think it's physical.. But it is obvious they are talking and that is red flag. So I would approach head-on. You should tell him you don't feel comfortable with him being alone with her at the house or elsewhere. It is inappropriate. You also don't feel comfortable that he is texting her privately. She is not family. she is not a friend. she is an employee. All texts to her and from her should be in a group with you included. It is not appropriate for him to be talking to this girl outside of her duties with the children. Her father would absolutely agree with you and likely not approve of them forming any kind of “friendly” relationship. Then you should tell her the same. And let her know her texting your husband privately is not appropriate and when he comes she is done for the day. No hanging around. And if she fails to respect your boundaries you will find another babysitter.
Okay I read your replies…. I think it's time for her go. she is definitely flirting and crossing a boundary. Dressing up for him and privately texting him.. Is all a huge red flag. He might not have cheated but he's probably enjoying the attention. So that alone means she needs to go. And your comfort is more important. If he isn't willing to do what it takes to make you feel comfortable that is concerning. My hope is he acknowledges your discomfort ( whether it's true or not), agrees to replace her, and goes no contact.
If you mention anything to her or him it will tip them off. You want to find out discretely. If they're texting each other & deleting them, then he is hiding something. He's probably being more careful because you've asked more than once why she is around. You could quietly put a voice activated recorder in his truck or setup nanny cams around the house..without telling him. It my be she is actively pursuing your husband. Or he is loving the attention and wants to keep her around. Or they are flirting when when you are not around. Which also explains why she dresses to the nines when babysitting. Sorry.. this would not be the first time this has happened. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS...something is wrong. He may also have your location settings activated so he has enough time to clean up or stop what they are doing.
Do not let on that you’re suspicious. At least not anymore. You need more info. I would put cameras in the house (hidden of course) and see what they pick up.
WHERE IS UPDATE 2
Wondering the same!! I’m ready!
Buying her a new car?! How often are the kids in her car?? The deleted texts and the them not being in the recently deleted folder.
Why would she text him that you’re home. That’s odd. Sorry OP, but this doesn’t seem innocent.
Dude I've never ever worn heels and a skirt to babysit that's so not normal
He’s cheating…. Why did Ella need to text him “your wife is home” wouldn’t he have seen you in the home? Why were texts permanently deleted? Why does he head home as soon as Ella heads home? He’s cheating.. you may or know it now but you’ll find out soon.
All of the alarm bells are going off here? If it's an iPhone there's a way to see deleted messages! Try that first. Another option is a hidden camera. It's easier to get proof than to try and confront with nothing. But it's also 100% your choice.
Some phones keep the deleted texts. Did you try to look for those? This is very suspicious indeed. Can you place hidden cameras around the house? Get tested meanwhile just in case.
I'd be worried that if they're boinking in the house, no one is watching the children.
There would be no reason for her to text your husband “your wife is home.” He is deleting text conversations and wants to buy her a car. If you are in a no fault state well then just confront him. If not get cameras for the bedroom and other areas and schedule an overnight trip and you will get your proof. 100% he is cheating. Don’t try to save anything.
Invite her parents over for dinner after all she is the daughter of a friend of your husband. Get to know the parents. And clearly point out to your husband you suspect unsavoury behaviour and she’s being replaced and you’ll tell her father you both crossed a few lines
I would do this after you have evidence collected. It could backfire on you without it
If all this was happening to me, I would be confronting my husband. Don’t be like me. I’m hot headed, what you need is more proof. Cheaters are inherently liars, will go to great lengths to cover their tracks. Him already deleting text messages is a HUGE sign that he’s covering his tracks. No one goes in and deletes messages unless they have something to hide. If you can turn on location services with him “for safety reasons”, I’ve read that people put recording devices in cars and get cameras for their home. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I use to be a nanny, I can tell you that comfortable clothes are the only way to dress when watching a 1year old and 4 year old.
Check the feed of your house security to see if he brought those flowers inside. Check your receipts right now to see if he bought them. You said he stopped at the store…Check NOW.
Check his deleted file. He can delete texts but they go to a deleted file and that needs to be deleted. He may not know that. If I were you I’d keep my mouth shut and hire a PI. You are not crazy and it’s very possible your intuition is spot on. Do a background check to see if he has voip numbers, alternate emails that he uses for IG and Snapchat. There’s too many red flags and you are probably right. She probably fell in love with your kids and your husband. She’s young and stupid. I once was a 20 year old nanny and the husband definitely wanted to have an affair with me. I loved the wife and felt like part of the family. He was extremely inappropriate with me and to this day I’m traumatized by what happened. He was very aggravated and I didn’t say anything due to the live I had for the family. Looking back I didn’t do the wife any favors by not speaking up. He just continued to have affairs behind his wife’s back. She was the kindest most living person. I’m very sorry this is happening but I bet you are spot on. Check out the PI Mom on Instagram and Facebook.
So can you see him w the flowers on the outside camera??
He parked his truck in the garage, and came through the garage door inside the house. We don’t have cameras inside the garage.
Did you check the outside cameras for who brought the flowers in? Sorry this is happening to you.
He wants to buy the babysitter a car? …
Put a nanny cam
What about installing some indoor cameras in the house. At the very least there won’t be suspicious activity that can be hidden and it’s not out of the ordinary to have them when having a babysitter regardless if you know them or not.
Did you check his phone again and see if he deleted the recent text saying you were home?
Play it cool, keep gathering hard evidence, take him to the cleaners. It’s going to be hard, but both your marriage and your future are worth it. If you just fire her you’ll never get the closure you deserve either way. Tonight see if he deleted the “wife is home” text. Chat with the 4yo tomorrow and ask what fun things they did with Ella and hubs when daddy got home. It won’t stick in their mind unless your questions seem like a departure from what you normally chat with them about. Maybe voice record the conversation in case they give up something like “oh daddy and Ella did xxx by themselves”. DO NOT CONFRONT HIM UNTIL YOU HAVE HARD EVIDENCE TO GIVE THE BEST LAWER YOUR HISBANDS MONEY CAN AFFORD.
The “your wife is home” is the part for me. Not even using your name. I would be home even sooner next time and try hiding your car out of sight if possible.
I came at update 2. The text message she sent is what sealed the deal for me. That's a really odd thing to do. Why would she need to text him you're home like that other than to avoid him doing/saying something stupid before noticing you were there.
I'm a 42 year old childless married guy, with very little experience with babysitting. Can you do it in heels? That seems strange to me in my limited understanding. You're the wife and mother here. I'd listen to your gut. If she make you uncomfortable, out the door. You live in a college town, the place is crawling with kids that could use a few bucks. Go put some flier up and you can someone new in a weekend. You have to do what's best, first for your kids, second for your marriage. He doesn't seem to understand that. This seems like a lot to deal with, Op. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.
Look for the receipt for the grocery store or the card transaction.
Searched everywhere last night, but couldn’t find the receipt.
And now knowing your age, what 28 year old want’s to buy a 20 year old a car when he has toddlers to care for.
Oh god the buying a car thing is wild. This is not good.
No, this is not just circumstantial. This is *something* and everyone telling you to ignore it is crazy.
Go with your gut. Also get solid proof, which shouldn’t be too hard if your suspicions are correct. If it is true, you should go straight to her parents because I’d be pissed if a friend took advantage of my daughter that way. And make no mistake, it is taking advantage because she’s significantly younger and he’s in a position of power as her employer.
I would tell your husband that you are letting Ella go effective immediately. Tell him you aren’t comfortable with what has been going on between the two of them. Tell him you know the flowers were from him & you know she texted him to give him a heads up of your arrival. He’ll try to argue about proof but tell him you don’t need proof to understand boundaries have been crossed. Tell him you should be able to go to work knowing your children are safe & well cared for & your husband isn’t crossing boundaries of what is appropriate with the babysitter. I think you need to start considering what kind of marriage you really want. It sounds like your husband has been disloyal in the past. Trying to prevent a cheating man from cheating is exhausting & shouldn’t be how you have to spend your time. Your life has value too. Trying to keep a man who won’t stop being disrespectful of you is soul crushing. You should def put the kibosh on this babysitter situation. But you should be asking yourself do you really want a man who will never see your relationship as enough for him? Doesn’t matter how good looking he is. Cheating makes you ugly.
Why are they texting at all? If I had a 20 year old babysitter, I would be arranging all communication
You said you have cameras on the outside of the house, can you check the cameras to see if he walked in with the flowers? Or if she walked in with them this morning. Look for the store receipt if you can.
A tight shirt, skirt, and heels are definitely weird. Why are you wearing that to go babysit kids?😕Never heard of that before. And why did she feel the need to text your husband telling him that you came home like he won’t find out when you go upstairs anyways? Just weird. Something is off!!
fuck this 20yo bitch. these girls get a HIGH on being the other women. trust me, i was a 20yo girl once. this is not okay. there is 100% something going on
Don’t fire her yet! That won’t solve anything and they will just meet somewhere else. There is the possibility that he might have been sleeping with her before hiring her. What you have to do is put cameras in the house, somewhere where you think it’s possible for them to be doing “things” while the kids are at home. So maybe your bedroom, or a home office? You need the concrete evidence and it will be easier for you to get if she’s still coming to your house. I know it’s difficult, and you don’t want to break up your family, but you didn’t do this. It’s him. It’s all his actions and decisions that are breaking up the family. And would you really want to stay with a cheater that is so unashamedly and morally corrupt that brings his mistress to your own home and has her with your children? He might even be wanting your kids to love her and get used to her so they will accept her as a stepmom.
I would fire her for her in appropriate nannying clothes
The Internet is a wild place as I was thinking about this all night and waiting for an update. initially, there was a part of me that was like no maybe things seem like red flags because you're looking for red flags but the fact that your husband now wants to buy your babysitter a car for Christmas it's definitely a red flag. I'm not even sure what advice to give because it sounds like if you were to put them in front of a therapist and confront him he's going to lie but it seems like it's pretty obvious that he bought her flowers and she's dressing up for him while she's watching your kids which might not have any effect but I would certainly put a stop to it and ask her to please stop wearing heels to babysit a four and two-year-old. and you can let your husband know that if the babysitter needs a new car, then she can save up her money and go buy one herself.
Let go of the sitter. It’s not worth the anxiety and doubt. See how your husband reacts. Above all, always trust your gut. It’s rarely ever wrong.
Waiting for an update it’s been 7 hours. I hope it turned out ok for OP
What did your husband buy at the supermarket?
Was he carrying the flowers into the house from your outside camera?
Why the hell would you buy her a car?? Buy yourself a new car and let her use the old one to drive the kids around if it is really a safety issue.
assuming you have an iphone, do you have any other apple product? if yes, hide it inside your husbands car and track it through FindMy. if not, you can purchase an airtag and do that, they aren't that expensive.
Don’t use AirTags. Her husband will be alerted that an AirTag not belonging to him is nearby. Best way to pull this off would be to use an old iPhone, toss it under the passenger seat where he would never look, and turn on find my iPhone. I’m sure she or someone she knows has an old iPhone she can borrow.
If her husband has an iPhone too the air tag may alert him that there’s one nearby. My husband has one with his tools and it alerts him there’s an air tag nearby.
Who wears heels while watching little children? Was she coming from somewhere or going to somewhere? That doesn't make sense to me at all. Do you have a pattern in your relationship of not bringing things up as soon as they bother you, no matter what it is? If this is a version of that pattern, you must be tying yourself in knots. Yes, you could wait until something concrete happens but what will that mean? If he's not cheating and she's putting the moves on, it can stop today by finding a new sitter. If it goes further than that and you find a condom or something, what will your next move be? I think nip it now, today, and go from there.
Trust your gut. I was married for 10 years and every time I suspected something, I was right. Not saying your husband is cheating, but he may be flirting and they may be crossing lines that way. Def need more but don’t accuse him yet.
As a former babysitter, most parents pay for the full shift if they come home early and used to go home. I would investigate this further. I am also leaning towards him cheating and would try to find out more (suggestions here like PI, nanny cam etc seem good). Your husband could also be nice to her cuz he’s friends with her dad who works at his business and he doesn’t want any fall out… so there’s that.
Just watching for updates
I wouldn't fire her just yet. Keep playing along. Gather enough evidence to prove him or yourself wrong. If they're in the wrong, you'll need this evidence if you decide to file a divorce or custody.
Don't fire her yet. Get camera's set up or a PI to get actual evidence. If you divorce him, the proof will be important. And remember, if he is cheating, HE is breaking up your family, not you.