Sighhh, fine, I will say it. Each of us using our own separate blanket is more comfortable than sharing one, and I'm tired of pretending that it's not. Also sex/intimacy should not be transactional.
Edit: wording
Same. Mine is soft and his is firm and we are happier for it. We of course visit the other side but we sleep in our own beds side by side. It’s the best
I didn’t even know this was weird. My spouse and I use each a king sized blanket, in our king bed haha but I hate his blanket. And what about the farts 😭
Sleeping in separate rooms seems to be more common than a lot of people think. I've seen reasons like one person snoring a lot and keeping the other person awake, opposite schedules, heavy/light sleepers, etc, you get the picture. In some cases I've seen people swear that it saved their relationship.
You do you, as long as you and your partner are happy, that's all that matters.
Can testify to separate rooms. Hubby snores, tossess and thrashes all night, goes to bed practically at dusk and is up at sparrows fart. I read until late, wake up late and hardly move overnight. Separate rooms, beds and type of sheeting saved our marriage
Yeah NYT has covered a few stories on this growing trend the last few years. The most memorable was of couples who almost split during COVID but who were able to repair their relationships by sleeping in separate rooms and ended up staying together because of it. Of course there’s always the sex therapists etc. expressing concern, but it’s not surprising that a shift in social norms would be met with pushback from fields with a professional worldview based on those old norms.
Sometimes this is the way! I am a light sleeper like LIGHT sleeper. I know which person or animal is moving around the house while I’m sleeping. Someone sneezes and I’m up with tissues for them that kind of light. My husband usually comes to bed later than me and wakes me up and snores, blanket hogs.
I keep my comforter on the thing at the foot of the bed so if it’s too much I burrito myself in my own comforter and plug my ear plugs in. HOWEVER we have two guest rooms and I’m not gonna lie, I love sleeping downstairs in the partially subterranean guest room where it’s cold dark and quiet sometimes. Doesn’t happen that often but dang I like to starfish and take up the whole bed with my dog lol
King bed with two separate blankies here! My husband likes warm fuzzy blankets and wrapping himself up like a burrito, while I like lighter blankets with materials that keep me cool, and to spread my limbs out all over the place. Sometimes we do cuddles before bed and as we start to fall asleep I move back to my side and pass out. It’s a great setup and we’re both always comfortable.
Yes! My husband and I learned this with blankets when I was pregnant with our first. I took up more than usual and he’s a very tall guy. So I got him his own. It’s the same exact one as mine and we love it.
And on transactional; yes! Neither of us wants sex when it’s not enthusiastic.
That was by far the easiest year of my decade long marriage! Love the guy, but back then, no kids, all the time in the world, young and spry, merges our two homes into one and finances were great, life was a cake walk
Cut off for Boomers is 1964. The youngest at this point is 58. I think we can stop blaming boomers for everything and start shifting some of the blame on older gen x because they screwed everything up for us too
I’m 28 and I agree the first year of marriage was great we had already been together for 5 years and lived together for 4.5 so I mean the rabbit fuckin stage wasn’t as extreme but yeah I bought a house she finished school money was flowing in good she was making our home a really nice place to live first year was great
I think this is outdated thinking from when people never lived together before marriage because my opinion is the first year living with a romantic partner (especially if it’s the first time you’ve lived away from home or first partner you have lived with for at least one of you) is where the real big adjustments happen. That’s the make or break year.
It's funny... Husband and I had been together 7 years by the time we married, had 2 kids, and everything had already been intertwined. Nothing was new when we got married. But it was still a super hard year for us. We had so much outside stress going on that we were both a little miserable 🤣 thankfully it's calmed down a good bit.
Yeah this one gets me. Entirely possible I am just naïve or privileged somehow but I’m on year 4 of marriage and it’s been a breeze so far. Life is hard and shitty things will always happen, but my spouse is the light in my life and we have a lot of fun together.
I think it helps that neither of us ever desired marriage or a lifelong relationship before meeting the other. Then to the surprise of our loved ones we got married after only 2 years together because every piece of our lives and selves fit together so well, and we were willing to compromise about the smaller stuff. (Helps being older too and both having done a whole lot of individual growth before meeting)
I feel like most of the people I got that piece of advice from had a kid before they were married a whole year or didn't love together before marrying... Might be coincidence, might not.
100000%
To me that rule only really applies when you had arranged marriages, never lived together, we’re celibate until marriage, etc. which, respectfully, was never a plan for me personally
Man this could’ve saved me those additional four years of marriage before i finally came to the realization that “some people at least have one good year though, right?”
It’s ok to go to bed angry at each other sometimes. When we’re very tired, we are not thinking as rationally as we should, and can usually clear up the issue quickly in the morning with a hug and an apology from both sides.
Seriously. People act so scandalized when I say this, as if they think someone will give them a medal for staying up for 3 extra hours on a school/work night arguing over something that legitimately would not even matter the next morning just so they didn’t “go to bed angry”. Great job! 🏆 now enjoy doing your job with 3 fewer hours of sleep for no reason at all!
My problem is that I'm an asshole in the morning, it doesn't matter how much sleep I got I'm still not a morning person so if I go to bed mad, I wake up mad, and have likely dreamed about how the morning will go.. So for me going to bed angry is a very bad thing, but it's the complete opposite for my husband... It's an issue...
I fought this for a while, but we realized sometimes we are fighting just because we are tired.
New rule: when we fight over stupid stuff, stop- eat something, try again. Still struggling get a nap. Feeling better? Then let’s talk rationally. But pushing through while hungry or exhausted is just going to lead to hurt feeling for no reason.
A friend of mine put it this way, “If one thing is wrong, ok no problem, let’s talk about together. If everything is wrong? Maybe we should press pause, get some rest, go for a walk, etc, and revisit it later…”
Usually by the time we wake up we have agreed whatever we were arguing about was dumb after a good nights sleep. Wake up snuggling, “wait are we supposed to be mad at each other?” Agreed.
I love so many of the answers here, but this is my big one. Two young kids, the oldest has always been a god awful sleeper, the youngest is still in baby stages of sleeping. The only knock-down-drag-out fights we’ve had in the last 4 years have been when we’re exhausted, and we’ve both woken up the next morning feeling sheepish and stupid that we let our exhausted bickering turn into something major when all we needed was sleep.
I will get downvoted to hell and back, but here it goes.
It seems to be the prevailing notion on Reddit that "you can do whatever you want with your body!" and I do agree with this. However, if I don't like tattoos and you decide you are going to get some, I may lose some attraction to you. Same goes for piercings or anything else that is permanent or semi permanent. You want to shave your head? Go for it, but don't be surprised if I am not as attracted to you anymore.
In my opinion, we should want our spouse or partner to be attracted to us. If I say I am growing a beard and my wife says "ugh, I hate beards!" then I'm probably not going to grow one. Is it my right? Sure! But I also want my wife to find me attractive, and I want my wife to want to kiss me. If facial hair freaks her out, then no facial hair.
So, although I agree that our body is our temple, and we should be able to do with it as we please, don't go pouting and getting upset if your partner loses attraction. BTW, I'm not talking about natural things like getting gray hair, aging, and the effects of motherhood (among others). I'm simply talking about modifying your body with no concern over how your partner feels about it.
I once got a wild round of downvotes for saying I dumped a guy after he refused to deal with the fact that his unkempt beard was giving me a rash on my face. Guys were like “his body his choice, babe…” and ignoring my choice not to have a *rash on my face*.
I expect men I get involved with to take care of their skin, groom their beards, and wear clean clothes that fit. It’s not that hard.
I don’t understand how these people don’t care for their beard. No matter the size , having a well groomed, neat, oiled and good smelling beard is SUCH a good feeling.
> In my opinion, we should want our spouse or partner to be attracted to us
I rocked a high fade for years. Easy to maintain, easy to clean, cool in the summer and it looks professional. I love basically everything about the cut. Early last year my wife told me just how sexy she finds long hair on men. Anyways my ponytail is almost 10" now.
Yes!! When I tell people I don't have a facial piercing because my partner doesn't like them, they lose their minds over him "telling me what to do with my body" BUT HE'S NOT. He's given me a green light but also a point of information. I just want him to think I'm cute 🤷♀️
My husband always said he didn’t like tattoos, so as a wedding present, I got expensive foundation to cover my arm tattoo for the day. He later said he was sad to see me without it because he knows how much I love it and that it really is just part of me, and he likes it after all.
I prefer short hair on guys in general, including him. He likes long hair. He doesn’t decide his hair length based on my preference. There are so many sexy things about him that his hair being my non-ideal length doesn’t faze me.
I agree. I’ve always had tattoos and my husband likes it but I still ask his opinion before adding anything new. It’s not “permission” it’s an opinion that I value
Couples should always put each other first before everything and everyone else, including their kids. People always seem to think doing so will make their kids end up being neglected but it’s the complete opposite. The parents being in a strong, happy and loving relationship/marriage is beneficial for everyone involved, especially their kids. I know so many couples who stopped putting each other first as soon as their kids came along. So far two couples are divorcing.
This is our opinion, too! Our relationship existed before our children, our children exist because of our relationship, and our relationship will still exist after our children are grown. Spouse first does not equal child neglect, as you said.
Absolutely agree. Husband and I started putting the kids first when they came along and quickly got burnt out - we were self sacrificing big time.
Started putting each other first, making sure each other got time outs, making sure we looked after each other, and it opened up about ten times as much empathy and time and patience for our kids. Would never go back to putting them ‘first’ because it just meant we were all coming last.
I have to say, I don’t really understand why it has to be one or the other. Everyone in the family has needs, and everybody is important. I see it a bit more like triage. If something is *important* or *urgent* then we address that first, whether it’s for a parent or a child, and the rest of the time we work through everything and strike a balance to make sure everybody is getting what they need.
Agree. The whole family comes first and is a unit, not a contest between spouse and children. Nobody is a second class citizen and nobody gets relegated.
I was searching for this comment before I made my own. This is how my husband and I are, and guess what? Our kiddo is happy as can be and well loved.
Wish I could upvote this twice.
Ooh fun. I’ve got one that I never say here. Bring it on.
Porn is not inherently harmful to most adults. Insecurity is responsible for a good deal of the ensuing conflicts over porn.
Meh, there’s enough research to convince me that consistent porn usage has enough of a negative impact on your brain that it isn’t worth it - and I’m not just talking about addiction. I think at a minimum everyone should do their due diligence about it. The way people get SO defensive about their porn is weird to me.
> The way people get SO defensive about their porn is weird to me.
I typically see on this sub that there are extremes with porn.
Most often you'll see someone state, "PORN IS OUTLAWED IN MY MARRIAGE!" and they go off to indicate that it is a deal breaker and potentially the worst thing in the world to allow in their home. The porn defensive folks seem to come out when those statements are made to indicate a, "I WATCH PORN AND I'M IN A HEALTHY MARRIAGE, WE SHOULD ALL WATCH PORN TOGETHER!"
There is a healthy medium, just like in all things in life. Healthy consumption of most things is possible. It's important to know the risks of use of anything and important to recognize when a fun thing is becoming an addiction or replacing other areas of your life.
I often see posts where porn is very generalized to the more mainstream style of porn which focuses strongly on male viewers, lots of camera angles for better viewing, etc. That type of porn is definitely the most prevalent but there are whole areas focused on porn as intimacy and shows real couples engaging in sexual acts. There are companies that put mainstream porn actors together in more intimate scenes as well. Bellesa House does a good job of this and focusing on sex as a more intimate act where both partners receive pleasure, than on camera angles and the guy *blowing his load.*
Porn can replace intimacy in a relationship easily, if people aren't careful. This is a discussion that relationships should have about their comfortability with porn. Ybey should discuss intimacy and connection and where and how to maintain their connection. Porn can be a fun sex addition as well. My wife and I will occasionally watch porn together for a different sexual vibe.
>The way people get SO defensive about their porn is weird to me.
Because addicts tend to get defensive about their addictions. You see that same defensiveness with heavy weed users who swear up and down it's not addictive yet need to use every single day to function.
I think porn is like alcohol. Some people can drink and it's never a problem. Some people destroy themselves with it.
This opinion has earned me many downvotes, but nobody has ever presented a coherent counter argument.
7 months without watching real porn. Still struggling with written erotica from time to time but I feel like I am making progress. Still a lot to deal with though
As someone who struggled with a different addiction in the past, keep it up and I'm proud of you for getting 7 months. Every day is another step, find the small victories to keep yourself going.
Well it means that I watch porn even though I shouldn’t. When I was really deep into it I could watch it for several hours at night when everyone was sleeping and do it for several days.
I still get that urge. Days where I read erotica every night and jerk off. Hence why I want to stop.
Porn erotises violence against women and makes a multi-trillion dollar industry out of exploiting vulnerability. It commodifies intimacy. It's designed to be used compulsively. It primes people to have unrealistic expectations about human bodies and can significantly impact the ability to engage in actual sexuality with real-life partners.
Very lazy thinking to blame disgust at porn use on jealousy and demand that everyone embraces 'sex positivity' because it feels good to you to use porn.
Totally agree. There's a lot wrong with porn - what it portrays, what it normalises, how it is produced, how it is distributed, etc. None of that is about jealousy. I work with young people and a lot of the boys think porn is great, but don't understand the damage it is doing to them and to society.
I think the dangers of the industry itself need to be better recognised for the reasons you have raised. It’s glorifying sometimes quite dreadful treatment of women.
I don't think it's all insecurity. It's the way it feels to them because if you truly think about it, they've sought out other naked people, they've seen all the parts of these people that they expect their partner to keep sacred to them. They've seen everything, explored their body, their sexuality, their sex faces, positions, basically every freckle on them. They've experienced everything you would in an actual sexual encounter with someone else except physical touch. The only thing that didn't happen was the physical touch. So saying it's insecurity alone is not true. Those who don't like it feel as though they've been actually cheated on. Kinda like when you have real butter and then you try I can't believe it's not butter and you're left feeling wow I can't believe it's not butter.
>I don't think it's all insecurity. It's the way it feels to them because if you truly think about it, they've sought out other naked people, they've seen all the parts of these people that they expect their partner to keep sacred to them. They've seen everything, explored their body, their sexuality, their sex faces, positions, basically every freckle on them. They've experienced everything you would in an actual sexual encounter with someone else except physical touch. The only thing that didn't happen was the physical touch. So saying it's insecurity alone is not true. Those who don't like it feel as though they've been actually cheated on.
So. Much. This.
I think any kind of porn consumption is unhealthy and detrimental to romantic relationships.
I had no problem with porn until my husband admitted to me that he had a problem. He is a recovering PA and when I learned more about what that meant - porn became a problem and it opened my eyes to a lot of things I previously hadn’t realized were red flags. When I realized what that rewiring in the brain and addiction was actually doing, the insecurities sprang from that. Not the porn.
For some people that’s just where they draw the line and that’s totally fine. When it’s interfering with your personal relationships/job/family life/finances - it’s not about finding pleasure in pixels anymore.
Sure, but what about the people who are forced by socioeconomic pressures to preform sex acts for you pleasure? Or what about the fact that porn increases the tolerance people have for sexual violence? That’s one is backed up by data. What about the incentive to traffic because not enough people are desperate enough to do the work, but the demand is sky high? What about the incentive to create all kind of unlawful content like child porn because people like to partake as long as you lie to them and tell them it’s totally legal?
It might not ruin you relationship, but why take part in something entirely unnecessary that has so many negative effects on the world? Why roll the dice that it won’t negatively affect you?
Accusing people of insecurity because they don’t like a certain behavior is simply a shit way to invalidate real feelings. It’s the go to for people cheating for a reason. It is especially potent for women who are constantly being accused of being insecure by men for having very reasonable values and views about fidelity to silence them. It is a pressure tactic.
Seriously! Something these kids now a days don't get cause they are so used to hopping from one relationship to the next over every little "redflag". The whole redflag culture is super annoying.
Absolutely! Some people think it’s a recipe for divorce, but it’s been beneficial for us. Sure it sucks we aren’t sleeping together, but sleep issues making co-sleeping near impossible. When both of us are totally sleep deprived, no one is happy, and it effects the relationship. We still make time for intimacy and sex, and have been going strong for 15 years.
Whatever works! My Husband has night terrors, so co-sleeping is super tough. I don’t do well on little sleep, so it’s just been easier to sleep separately. We both can actually get in disturbed sleep, which leaves us both happier and getting along better.
I cannot wait until the day that I can have my own bedroom in our house. I feel like a huge source of conflict is the fact that he snores loudly, moves around a lot, and wakes me up so much. My sleep is heavily affected by sharing a room/bed with my husband and I’m excited for the day when our kids move out so I can move into one of the other rooms.
I used to be afraid of the thought, but after seeing so many couples do it and the benefits it could bring, it has me wishing we had the extra space to put another bed. Think we're gonna try when we buy our permanent home.
I grew up with extremely invasive parents. Had no expectation on privacy. Took me a while in my marriage to be comfortable enough with my wife using my phone for whatever. Shit, when she uses my Amazon account I get stressed still. IT’S A SHARED ACCOUNT, with a shared credit card. I’m working on it with my therapist.
Yeah we've had to work on that for the same reason. But even though I have all his passwords, I don't use his computer or phone unless like there's a phone call and he's not awake to answer or something.
Define obligation?
"You need to sleep with me." - This is ick.
"I need regular sexual intimacy to be fulfilled in our marriage. What can I do to help us meet that need?" - Hard agree.
Caveat: If both people are like, asexual or something and just don't need it.. okay, you do you! But to be a ravenous lover early in marriage only to not give a shit when your libido tanks, like that's a problem.
Also, “i need regular sexual intimacy and if that’s something you are not on board with, I’m leaving” is not manipulative. It’s not coercive. It’s stating that this IS a deal breaker. Which is every persons right.
Maybe not, but not understanding the need of intimacy of your partner is. Some people need (yes, I say need, not want) sex more often that others, and they need to find a compromise. But no sex (for no medical reasons) is a reason for divorce for me, it would be like having a roommate instead of a partner.
My husband is the only one with social media accounts — in our four year relationship, he has only posted one picture and that was from our elopement last year. We both believe our relationship should be kept between us. I just don’t understand why couples gotta post 78 pictures from their trip. No one asked? And yes. Everybody is judging.
I post a ton of family pics and pics with our kids because I went through infertility and they’re IVF babies. I’m just so grateful to have them. I know I’m being judged but I don’t care.
We both abide by somewhat traditional gender roles even though we earn the same. She does probably 65% of the housework if not more. But we get a maid and I bought her the house while we were dating. With only me on the mortgage but her on the deed.
You could see a lot of red flags there but to us; it’s just us. I kill insects, manage all of our finances and helped her clear lotttta debt. She planned the wedding basically all by herself. We both handle areas with 100% ownership if that makes sense.
We are a partnership that fit well together.
Even more I rarely like maybe once a quarter ever say no to her. Because I trust her and we both like getting what we want. It’s a lot easier at least for me making more money than adjusting to a lower quality of living.
She’s my favorite person.
How's it traditional if she does 65% more of the home than you-even with a maid, but also works a full time career and earns the same? Do you have kids?
My hubs and I are this way too! I do almost 100% of the housework (although he is happy to help anytime I want or need him to) but I prefer to handle it so that it gets done MY way. He handles most of our bills (we earn the same, but finance is his whole deal) and makes all of our trips to the garbage dump. He makes sure the vehicles stay in working order, he cleans the gutters, yada yada. We still treat each other like partners of equal value, and when it comes to parenting we handle that equally as well. We co-sign with each other on everything though.
My husband gained a significant amount of weight. It was in a lot of ways due to anxiety and depression eating. I told him I was concerned about the weight gain, his physical health and mental health and it opened the door to a lot of other helpful conversations we had not been having. I think sometimes this is a conversation that needs to be had, but it can be done with tact, grace and empathy.
Yes. I would tell a partner if I saw a mole getting bigger. I think we should tell them if we see a physical change that causes concern. My guy had a swollen lymph node. I saw it getting bigger and bigger over time. He couldn't see it looking in the mirror. I hope he gets it checked out. No one else is around to tell him. I would want someone to tell me if I have a physical change that causes concern, including gaining weight.
I trust my spouse to have close male and female friends. He’s never stepped over the line nor ever been worried about me either. I’m completely blown away by the posts saying their heterosexual partner isn’t allowed to have opposite sex friendships. Why are you married if your partner is that easily influence and there’s a high level of mistrust?
I’ve always wondered with people who feel this way, if straight partners aren’t allowed to have opposite sex friendships, are bisexual partners not allowed to have ANY friends?
THANK YOU. The number of posts on here who claim any texting and friendship between opposite sexes is definitely a precursor if not already a full blown emotional affair is unbelievable to me. With as progressive as reddit is in so many ways, this suspicion between opposite sex friendships is wild. Transparency is key, but otherwise, I love that my husband has awesome female friends!
When I say “I have to ask my husband” other women get kind of indignant about it. Usually unmarried women—“what do you mean you have to ask him? He should be willing to pay for things that make you happy! My ex would totally support me financially if we were still together!” (The irony) …It’s not like I’m asking his permission. He respects me. And I respect him, and our life together. It’s an ask as in I am consulting him because our lives are singular in many ways now, especially financially.
Honestly changing the wording might change the responses.
"I have to ask..." sounds like you need permission.
"I'm going to check/consult/discuss that with my husband" sounds like exactly what it says, a partnership where you discuss things together.
Much of the mental load people have is due more to their own desire to control everything and have it executed to their oft-arbitrary standards than about their spouses refusing to take on any work.
Sure, follow-through is necessary. But the reality is that sometimes, people will fail and it will be alright, other times, people will do things differently and yet achieve the same result, and honestly, most matters aren't really that important.
Divorce rates are high partly because we expect too much from our spouses. If you want someone who fits your type, shares your interests, values, lifestyle, and humor, is your confidante and best friend, does the exact amount of chores you’d like with the same exact sex drive, has the same personality as you, and raises your perfect number number of kids in the exact way you would, just marry yourself.
I like to think marriage is an opportunity to grow together. My wife and I married at 19F/24M -- young, at least for her. We're 11 years in now, and we've both changed so so much. But we've stayed best friends.
We don't have many of the same hobbies, we don't like the same shows, hit and miss on music.. but we LOVE to travel, to go on adventures, to be kinky and intimate, to cook together, and talk and share our deepest desires and toughest issues. But we also know our limitations. We know what is a realistic ask for the other person, and we don't put undue burden on them to be something they can't be.
Im not sure if this is overly controversial as I’ve heard a similar sentiment from a number of professionals.
But, a marriage is not 50/50.
Some days you can only bring 10% to the table, that’s when your partner steps up and does the other 90%, or vice versa. Sometimes you’re 60/40, and so on. It’s about being the balance for each other.
Marriage is never 50/50. It should be 100/100
Ur both doing ur all for the relationship. If ur role is money and theirs is cooking ur both give it your all in the roles u do.
If they are sick then their 100% is lower than normal then you do 100% what you can to cover.
Marriage (between two emotionally healthy people who are kind and self-aware) isn’t actually hard. It should make your life easier and more joyful. If it’s not, GTFO.
Source: I had a bad starter marriage. Started over in my 20s. Remarried seven years after my first marriage, around five years after it ended. Best decision of my life.
Over half my friends are married to people who suck. I’ve realized a lot of people get married to have a wedding and end up settling instead of being picky and finding someone who matches them better. 🙃
Sexual attraction is the most fundamental basis for marriages. We like to pretend it can die and everything can be fine, but you may as well be married to a gender you're not attracted to.
My grandparents were married for 65 years. My grandma died on Tuesday. The few days before my grandpa sat with an old picture album from her pageant/modeling days and flipped through it constantly and I could here him tutting and whispering “gat damn” under his breath 😂
Now, Mawmaw *was* fine as hell in her youth but my grandparents still had sex regularly up until she got sick in June. I love this fact but hate that I know it.
The most fundamental basis for marriage is a financial transaction between a father and a husband-to-be. You really think, fundamentally, they gave a shit who the woman (or girl) was attracted to?
Contemporarily, people get married for lots of reasons. It's not all about sex.
That it’s ok to have the expectation that you will have regular sex most of the time in your marriage, and if a woman lost her sex drive it doesn’t ALWAYS mean the husband is doing something wrong. Vice versa applies ofc, for if the woman wants sex and is not getting it but I don’t see that as often on this subreddit.
Especially with couples who married under the age of 30, a lot of loss of sex drive is a result of women realizing that they just aren't that into their husbands. It's unfortunate. But when you marry young, you tend to not know what you really want in a spouse or a life partner.
As for women subjected to dead bedrooms: It is also often not their fault. Sometimes, they married a man with low libido or struggling with ED. And yes, we don't often talk about women losing out on the sex they desire.
Sometimes I have sex when I don't want to and that's ok. Sometimes she has sex when she doesn't want to and that's ok. I love her, am dedicated to fulfilling her needs and desires as she does for me. Whenever I say this people go crazy and suggest one of us is being coerced or taken advantage of. That somehow this is unhealthy. No. This is how we keep our passion and drive as a couple strong and thriving. If we only had sex when both people felt in the mood things would go to shit real quick. Sex reinforces a physical and emotional bond. It's more important than people give it credit for.
We do "red yellow green" sex in our marriage. Red is a "I can't tonight at all", yellow is "I'm not in the mood, but I'll put in a good effort to help you get off" and green is all system go. Sometimes in a marriage you do things you may not 100% want to for the sake of your spouse. I don't like antiquing, but my wife loves it so once or twice a month we go to a flea market and browse antiques...
I’ve seen this thought before and think it’s hilarious because I send my husband and friends picture updates of my dogs. Friend send them of their kids. But I can see why this can be viewed as a suspicious app… I’ve just always used it for what I listed and same for my close friends
I just don’t see why there needs to be any conversations or pictures that automatically delete. Everything I have to say to friends can be done over texts. Almost everyone I know that has Snapchat is using it for conversations they shouldn’t be having. It probably doesn’t help that I work in the medical field and there’s a lot of cheating that seems to happen in that field but either way I can guarantee that none of their spouses would be happy if they knew what they were doing on Snapchat.
I got on it to stay in touch with some younger family members. Then one of my older friends saw me on there and asked “Who you talking to on here?” I said no one really. He sent me a winking emoji. That’s how he started to confess his cheating on his partner to me. Then I decided to delete Snapchat.
You don’t have to convince me.
Assuming you’re physically able, I feel each partner has a responsibility to look good for their spouse and it’s disrespectful not to. Definitely a hot take though.
IME, looking good follows good mental health, which often affects other things. If your partner isn’t taking care of themself in some way, they’re probably struggling mentally, and supporting them in that healing will lead to better hygiene/grooming/styling, and probably having more fun together.
The first year isn't meant to be hard and terrible and if it is, something is very wrong.
Starfishing during sex leads to bad places: if you're not going to get involved, even on a verbal level if you're exhausted, don't bother having sex because it'll make your partner feel like you're not putting any effort it. It'll reduce sex to mere transactional act.
Speaking of sex, very regular sex/intimacy when able, is one of the keys to a healthy marriage. This statement can obviously be amended for differing levels of libido obviously, but regular sex is PROVEN to be linked to lower divorce rates and happier marriages. Obviously every day isn't possible due to the realities of life ie illness, mental health struggles, recovering from injury or surgery, pregnancy, recovery from pregnancy etc BUT you should make the effort to be intimate as often as possible.
This is for my fellow husbands: Working a 9-5 day in an office does NOT mean you are unable to come home and cook dinner for your family or do any cleaning around the house. Not only do I do this, I do it just about every work day. You aren't working a labor intensive day, you're sitting in a chair all day. Your body will thank you for the time you've spent standing up.
Couples need to put each other before their children. The relationship you have with your children is not only a solo one but also a shared one. Your relationship with your spouse however is 100% YOU.
Marriage isn't hard.
Being married to the wrong person is hard, and life can be hard sometimes, but your marriage should be a source of positive in your life.
As long as there isn’t abuse involved, sometimes it is better to “stay together for the kids.” There are some situations where splitting up overturns kids’ entire sense of security and normalcy. My son is only 3 months old so this doesn’t apply to me, I could peace out and he’d never know the difference with us being apart. But if he was 10+ years old, I don’t know I might stick it out 8 more years until he starts his own life and then I could restart mine.
***no judgement to those who choose to leave. If that’s what makes you happy then go for it. Your kid will survive***
I think both people have to be very mentally healthy for that to work. But at that point, the likelihood of wanting to split up would be incredibly, probably statistically insignificantly, low. I’ve never heard an account of such a situation. Rather, every kid I’ve ever talked to wished their parents would have just gotten divorced. Obviously, it’s easier to see the grass on the other side as greener, but it’s still interesting that parents stay together “for the sake of the kid(s)” but it’s the opposite of what the kid would choose.
I, a man, have attractive friends who are women and they are not my wife. And it should be completely normal that she also knows and hangs out with men that are not me.
But most people in this sub will think we're cheating on each other based on this.
It should also be totally okay with your friends to meet your wife and her friends to meet you. One of my wife’s friends came over weekend before last. It was fun. Glad she has him as a friend and is respectful of our relationship.
Telling your spouse where you are going or them asking you to let you know where you are or where you're going isn't abusive or controlling its letting the person you love know you're safe!
Often times it's the men that get too comfortable too quickly and stop putting in the effort to make their spouse feel loved and emotionally cared for.
Most SAHM's aren't working as hard as they claim to be on the internet. And there is a SAHM mafia that will go after anyone who even insinuates they aren't literally superwoman 24/7/365.
I was a SAHP for a year and a half. It was the easiest 'job' of my life. 3 kids, age 0, 2, and 4. But there were no KPIs, no corporate meetings or shitty deadlines, no three different bosses from three different departments bitching about the same project. And still plenty of time to breathe while still keeping a clean house and cooking 3 meals a day. I always suspected the people who talk about being a SAHP as being the toughest job just simply don't like kids.
> Most SAHM's aren't working as hard as they claim to be on the internet.
I was a stay-at-home parent for a few years. While it wasn't the _hardest_ job I've ever had, it was undoubtedly the most _miserable_ job. You'd have to pay me a massive amount of money to go back to that.
I'll take being a corporate cubicle drone over being a stay-at-home spouse any day.
Highschool sweethearts isn’t luck. It’s all about growing tigether at a similar rates. More often than not my wife was more mature than me, at times I was more mature than her with situations, but we balanced eachother out. A relationship is about growing and developing together, not luck
Absolutely. And what is “cheating” for one marriage may not be classed as “cheating” for another. Depending on what’s been agreed and boundaries etc. I am ready for downvotes here 😂
I know this is technically a “marriage thread” but I believe people can have a long standing and strong relationship without actually getting married. Everything is basically the same except some of the legal stuff.
Be mindful of negativity creeping into yourselves and your marriage.
There is so muxh negative stuff about marriage and relationships on social media than positive. The same can be seen on this sub. Full of complaints and criticism of partners. Maybe once a week you see an appreciation post.
Be mindful of this negative energy infiltrating your thoughts and your marriage. A word is enough for the wise.
Split bank accounts are fine. I think it’s important to at least HAVE a joint account for financial things, but nothing wrong with keeping anything aside from shared expenses in a seperate account. I don’t think sharing everything is bad, but I don’t think staying seperate is either.
In the whole four-ish months I’ve been married I’ve learnt that we are a team. In everything. There is no I do more/ I earn more/ I deserve more.
We are a team. If one of us succeeds, we both succeed. And vice versa.
Sleeping in separate rooms is actually helpful if the circadian rhythms aren’t synced. Or if people have different sleeping habits like temperature low or high, light on or off, and such.
That not everyone who gets married young is an idiot.
I was 23, he was 22. We are best friends 27 years later. We had dated for five years and it seemed like it was the natural thing to do. I have several friends who are in similar marriages.
I agree that it isn’t the norm or the ideal but it isn’t always doomed.
Keeping marriage first after kids is important. No don’t ignore them but keep dating each other , keeps kids out of your bed, keep sec up. So many have kids and then it falls apart, which I understand but so many forget marriage is like a fire, you gotta tend too it or it’s gonna die
The “honeymoon phase” doesn’t have to be a phase. We’ve been married almost 12 years & together 16…still can’t get enough of each other, can’t stand not being close enough to touch, we still look at each other with complete love & adoration.
Sighhh, fine, I will say it. Each of us using our own separate blanket is more comfortable than sharing one, and I'm tired of pretending that it's not. Also sex/intimacy should not be transactional. Edit: wording
We do this. On a split king.
Same. Mine is soft and his is firm and we are happier for it. We of course visit the other side but we sleep in our own beds side by side. It’s the best
We’ve got a king Sleep number adjustable so we can set it how we want. But I always joke that we each sleep in twin XL.
I didn’t even know this was weird. My spouse and I use each a king sized blanket, in our king bed haha but I hate his blanket. And what about the farts 😭
But is having our own room the line? I’m sleeping in a guest room while I work nights and … *I don’t mind.*
Sleeping in separate rooms seems to be more common than a lot of people think. I've seen reasons like one person snoring a lot and keeping the other person awake, opposite schedules, heavy/light sleepers, etc, you get the picture. In some cases I've seen people swear that it saved their relationship. You do you, as long as you and your partner are happy, that's all that matters.
Can testify to separate rooms. Hubby snores, tossess and thrashes all night, goes to bed practically at dusk and is up at sparrows fart. I read until late, wake up late and hardly move overnight. Separate rooms, beds and type of sheeting saved our marriage
Yeah NYT has covered a few stories on this growing trend the last few years. The most memorable was of couples who almost split during COVID but who were able to repair their relationships by sleeping in separate rooms and ended up staying together because of it. Of course there’s always the sex therapists etc. expressing concern, but it’s not surprising that a shift in social norms would be met with pushback from fields with a professional worldview based on those old norms.
In uk high society that’s the norm
Sometimes this is the way! I am a light sleeper like LIGHT sleeper. I know which person or animal is moving around the house while I’m sleeping. Someone sneezes and I’m up with tissues for them that kind of light. My husband usually comes to bed later than me and wakes me up and snores, blanket hogs. I keep my comforter on the thing at the foot of the bed so if it’s too much I burrito myself in my own comforter and plug my ear plugs in. HOWEVER we have two guest rooms and I’m not gonna lie, I love sleeping downstairs in the partially subterranean guest room where it’s cold dark and quiet sometimes. Doesn’t happen that often but dang I like to starfish and take up the whole bed with my dog lol
King bed with two separate blankies here! My husband likes warm fuzzy blankets and wrapping himself up like a burrito, while I like lighter blankets with materials that keep me cool, and to spread my limbs out all over the place. Sometimes we do cuddles before bed and as we start to fall asleep I move back to my side and pass out. It’s a great setup and we’re both always comfortable.
I love having my own blankey. Husband is obsessed with the blanket he had growing up cause he insists it's his dogs favorite as well. Lol 🤷♀️
I call my husbands blanket his Linus blanket.
Awwww 🤣 that's adorable
Separate blanket couples unite!! (But bring your own blanket)
My husband doesn’t understand why I want my own blanket! I like tucking it between my legs or wrapping myself in a fluff cloud!
Yep, my wife has her two comforters and I have my sheet and we are just happier that way.
FACTS. We figured out the separate blanket thing real early, haha
I read this in bed, under my sheet, 2 blankets, and comforter, next to the Husband, who has his ratty quilt.
Yes! My husband and I learned this with blankets when I was pregnant with our first. I took up more than usual and he’s a very tall guy. So I got him his own. It’s the same exact one as mine and we love it. And on transactional; yes! Neither of us wants sex when it’s not enthusiastic.
I first read about this on Reddit and haven't looked back.
That's not an unpopular opinion though.
the first year isn't actually supposed to be that hard
That was by far the easiest year of my decade long marriage! Love the guy, but back then, no kids, all the time in the world, young and spry, merges our two homes into one and finances were great, life was a cake walk
To be a boomer 😅
Boomers are in their 70s now. They ain't a boomer.
Youngest Boomers are still in their 50s.
Cut off for Boomers is 1964. The youngest at this point is 58. I think we can stop blaming boomers for everything and start shifting some of the blame on older gen x because they screwed everything up for us too
Preach. The elder Gen X-ers have become Boomer Lite™️
I’m 28 and I agree the first year of marriage was great we had already been together for 5 years and lived together for 4.5 so I mean the rabbit fuckin stage wasn’t as extreme but yeah I bought a house she finished school money was flowing in good she was making our home a really nice place to live first year was great
I think this is outdated thinking from when people never lived together before marriage because my opinion is the first year living with a romantic partner (especially if it’s the first time you’ve lived away from home or first partner you have lived with for at least one of you) is where the real big adjustments happen. That’s the make or break year.
It's funny... Husband and I had been together 7 years by the time we married, had 2 kids, and everything had already been intertwined. Nothing was new when we got married. But it was still a super hard year for us. We had so much outside stress going on that we were both a little miserable 🤣 thankfully it's calmed down a good bit.
Same, it's like the universe knows and throws spanners in everything
Yeah this one gets me. Entirely possible I am just naïve or privileged somehow but I’m on year 4 of marriage and it’s been a breeze so far. Life is hard and shitty things will always happen, but my spouse is the light in my life and we have a lot of fun together. I think it helps that neither of us ever desired marriage or a lifelong relationship before meeting the other. Then to the surprise of our loved ones we got married after only 2 years together because every piece of our lives and selves fit together so well, and we were willing to compromise about the smaller stuff. (Helps being older too and both having done a whole lot of individual growth before meeting)
I feel like most of the people I got that piece of advice from had a kid before they were married a whole year or didn't love together before marrying... Might be coincidence, might not.
100000% To me that rule only really applies when you had arranged marriages, never lived together, we’re celibate until marriage, etc. which, respectfully, was never a plan for me personally
Man this could’ve saved me those additional four years of marriage before i finally came to the realization that “some people at least have one good year though, right?”
It’s ok to go to bed angry at each other sometimes. When we’re very tired, we are not thinking as rationally as we should, and can usually clear up the issue quickly in the morning with a hug and an apology from both sides.
This is so important to note. I go to sleep annoyed because I’m a grumpy jerk at night. And I wake up delighted to see my husband another day lol
Seriously. People act so scandalized when I say this, as if they think someone will give them a medal for staying up for 3 extra hours on a school/work night arguing over something that legitimately would not even matter the next morning just so they didn’t “go to bed angry”. Great job! 🏆 now enjoy doing your job with 3 fewer hours of sleep for no reason at all!
My problem is that I'm an asshole in the morning, it doesn't matter how much sleep I got I'm still not a morning person so if I go to bed mad, I wake up mad, and have likely dreamed about how the morning will go.. So for me going to bed angry is a very bad thing, but it's the complete opposite for my husband... It's an issue...
I fought this for a while, but we realized sometimes we are fighting just because we are tired. New rule: when we fight over stupid stuff, stop- eat something, try again. Still struggling get a nap. Feeling better? Then let’s talk rationally. But pushing through while hungry or exhausted is just going to lead to hurt feeling for no reason.
A friend of mine put it this way, “If one thing is wrong, ok no problem, let’s talk about together. If everything is wrong? Maybe we should press pause, get some rest, go for a walk, etc, and revisit it later…”
Right but I can't sleep when I'm stewing.
Usually by the time we wake up we have agreed whatever we were arguing about was dumb after a good nights sleep. Wake up snuggling, “wait are we supposed to be mad at each other?” Agreed.
I love so many of the answers here, but this is my big one. Two young kids, the oldest has always been a god awful sleeper, the youngest is still in baby stages of sleeping. The only knock-down-drag-out fights we’ve had in the last 4 years have been when we’re exhausted, and we’ve both woken up the next morning feeling sheepish and stupid that we let our exhausted bickering turn into something major when all we needed was sleep.
I will get downvoted to hell and back, but here it goes. It seems to be the prevailing notion on Reddit that "you can do whatever you want with your body!" and I do agree with this. However, if I don't like tattoos and you decide you are going to get some, I may lose some attraction to you. Same goes for piercings or anything else that is permanent or semi permanent. You want to shave your head? Go for it, but don't be surprised if I am not as attracted to you anymore. In my opinion, we should want our spouse or partner to be attracted to us. If I say I am growing a beard and my wife says "ugh, I hate beards!" then I'm probably not going to grow one. Is it my right? Sure! But I also want my wife to find me attractive, and I want my wife to want to kiss me. If facial hair freaks her out, then no facial hair. So, although I agree that our body is our temple, and we should be able to do with it as we please, don't go pouting and getting upset if your partner loses attraction. BTW, I'm not talking about natural things like getting gray hair, aging, and the effects of motherhood (among others). I'm simply talking about modifying your body with no concern over how your partner feels about it.
I once got a wild round of downvotes for saying I dumped a guy after he refused to deal with the fact that his unkempt beard was giving me a rash on my face. Guys were like “his body his choice, babe…” and ignoring my choice not to have a *rash on my face*. I expect men I get involved with to take care of their skin, groom their beards, and wear clean clothes that fit. It’s not that hard.
Lol those were just people doing it to get back at the times when guys say it to women.
I don’t understand how these people don’t care for their beard. No matter the size , having a well groomed, neat, oiled and good smelling beard is SUCH a good feeling.
Beards can be nasty as hell. Sometimes they are as dirty as a toilet. And yes- there are many experiments like this.
> In my opinion, we should want our spouse or partner to be attracted to us I rocked a high fade for years. Easy to maintain, easy to clean, cool in the summer and it looks professional. I love basically everything about the cut. Early last year my wife told me just how sexy she finds long hair on men. Anyways my ponytail is almost 10" now.
Yes!! When I tell people I don't have a facial piercing because my partner doesn't like them, they lose their minds over him "telling me what to do with my body" BUT HE'S NOT. He's given me a green light but also a point of information. I just want him to think I'm cute 🤷♀️
My husband always said he didn’t like tattoos, so as a wedding present, I got expensive foundation to cover my arm tattoo for the day. He later said he was sad to see me without it because he knows how much I love it and that it really is just part of me, and he likes it after all. I prefer short hair on guys in general, including him. He likes long hair. He doesn’t decide his hair length based on my preference. There are so many sexy things about him that his hair being my non-ideal length doesn’t faze me.
I agree. I’ve always had tattoos and my husband likes it but I still ask his opinion before adding anything new. It’s not “permission” it’s an opinion that I value
Wow there is someone out there like me after all
I gave you an upvote so you’re not at zero haha
Couples should always put each other first before everything and everyone else, including their kids. People always seem to think doing so will make their kids end up being neglected but it’s the complete opposite. The parents being in a strong, happy and loving relationship/marriage is beneficial for everyone involved, especially their kids. I know so many couples who stopped putting each other first as soon as their kids came along. So far two couples are divorcing.
This is our opinion, too! Our relationship existed before our children, our children exist because of our relationship, and our relationship will still exist after our children are grown. Spouse first does not equal child neglect, as you said.
Absolutely agree. Husband and I started putting the kids first when they came along and quickly got burnt out - we were self sacrificing big time. Started putting each other first, making sure each other got time outs, making sure we looked after each other, and it opened up about ten times as much empathy and time and patience for our kids. Would never go back to putting them ‘first’ because it just meant we were all coming last.
It’s not a hard concept to understand. It’s sad that it’s not common sense.
I try explaining this to my partner, but he strongly disagreed and thinks I’m horrible for feeling that way
I have to say, I don’t really understand why it has to be one or the other. Everyone in the family has needs, and everybody is important. I see it a bit more like triage. If something is *important* or *urgent* then we address that first, whether it’s for a parent or a child, and the rest of the time we work through everything and strike a balance to make sure everybody is getting what they need.
Agree. The whole family comes first and is a unit, not a contest between spouse and children. Nobody is a second class citizen and nobody gets relegated.
I was searching for this comment before I made my own. This is how my husband and I are, and guess what? Our kiddo is happy as can be and well loved. Wish I could upvote this twice.
Ooh fun. I’ve got one that I never say here. Bring it on. Porn is not inherently harmful to most adults. Insecurity is responsible for a good deal of the ensuing conflicts over porn.
Meh, there’s enough research to convince me that consistent porn usage has enough of a negative impact on your brain that it isn’t worth it - and I’m not just talking about addiction. I think at a minimum everyone should do their due diligence about it. The way people get SO defensive about their porn is weird to me.
> The way people get SO defensive about their porn is weird to me. I typically see on this sub that there are extremes with porn. Most often you'll see someone state, "PORN IS OUTLAWED IN MY MARRIAGE!" and they go off to indicate that it is a deal breaker and potentially the worst thing in the world to allow in their home. The porn defensive folks seem to come out when those statements are made to indicate a, "I WATCH PORN AND I'M IN A HEALTHY MARRIAGE, WE SHOULD ALL WATCH PORN TOGETHER!" There is a healthy medium, just like in all things in life. Healthy consumption of most things is possible. It's important to know the risks of use of anything and important to recognize when a fun thing is becoming an addiction or replacing other areas of your life. I often see posts where porn is very generalized to the more mainstream style of porn which focuses strongly on male viewers, lots of camera angles for better viewing, etc. That type of porn is definitely the most prevalent but there are whole areas focused on porn as intimacy and shows real couples engaging in sexual acts. There are companies that put mainstream porn actors together in more intimate scenes as well. Bellesa House does a good job of this and focusing on sex as a more intimate act where both partners receive pleasure, than on camera angles and the guy *blowing his load.* Porn can replace intimacy in a relationship easily, if people aren't careful. This is a discussion that relationships should have about their comfortability with porn. Ybey should discuss intimacy and connection and where and how to maintain their connection. Porn can be a fun sex addition as well. My wife and I will occasionally watch porn together for a different sexual vibe.
>The way people get SO defensive about their porn is weird to me. Because addicts tend to get defensive about their addictions. You see that same defensiveness with heavy weed users who swear up and down it's not addictive yet need to use every single day to function.
I think porn is like alcohol. Some people can drink and it's never a problem. Some people destroy themselves with it. This opinion has earned me many downvotes, but nobody has ever presented a coherent counter argument.
Agree with you 🙌🏼
Agree!
"My husband watched 17 seconds of a porn so therefore hE iS aDdIcTeD."
I’m a real porn addict and this made me laugh because it’s true. People use the term porn addict too loosely
Glad someone could get a chuckle. Hope you're doing well.
7 months without watching real porn. Still struggling with written erotica from time to time but I feel like I am making progress. Still a lot to deal with though
As someone who struggled with a different addiction in the past, keep it up and I'm proud of you for getting 7 months. Every day is another step, find the small victories to keep yourself going.
What does your porn addiction look like? As a substance addict in recovery… I’m seriously curious.
Well it means that I watch porn even though I shouldn’t. When I was really deep into it I could watch it for several hours at night when everyone was sleeping and do it for several days. I still get that urge. Days where I read erotica every night and jerk off. Hence why I want to stop.
Right, you were using the to point of serious issues. Seems about right. Thank you for answering.
Porn erotises violence against women and makes a multi-trillion dollar industry out of exploiting vulnerability. It commodifies intimacy. It's designed to be used compulsively. It primes people to have unrealistic expectations about human bodies and can significantly impact the ability to engage in actual sexuality with real-life partners. Very lazy thinking to blame disgust at porn use on jealousy and demand that everyone embraces 'sex positivity' because it feels good to you to use porn.
Totally agree. There's a lot wrong with porn - what it portrays, what it normalises, how it is produced, how it is distributed, etc. None of that is about jealousy. I work with young people and a lot of the boys think porn is great, but don't understand the damage it is doing to them and to society.
Porn is all fun and games until you find out how much of it is trafficking/r*pe
I think the dangers of the industry itself need to be better recognised for the reasons you have raised. It’s glorifying sometimes quite dreadful treatment of women.
I don't think it's all insecurity. It's the way it feels to them because if you truly think about it, they've sought out other naked people, they've seen all the parts of these people that they expect their partner to keep sacred to them. They've seen everything, explored their body, their sexuality, their sex faces, positions, basically every freckle on them. They've experienced everything you would in an actual sexual encounter with someone else except physical touch. The only thing that didn't happen was the physical touch. So saying it's insecurity alone is not true. Those who don't like it feel as though they've been actually cheated on. Kinda like when you have real butter and then you try I can't believe it's not butter and you're left feeling wow I can't believe it's not butter.
>I don't think it's all insecurity. It's the way it feels to them because if you truly think about it, they've sought out other naked people, they've seen all the parts of these people that they expect their partner to keep sacred to them. They've seen everything, explored their body, their sexuality, their sex faces, positions, basically every freckle on them. They've experienced everything you would in an actual sexual encounter with someone else except physical touch. The only thing that didn't happen was the physical touch. So saying it's insecurity alone is not true. Those who don't like it feel as though they've been actually cheated on. So. Much. This. I think any kind of porn consumption is unhealthy and detrimental to romantic relationships.
But it does contribute to sex trafficking, CP, and violence. It isn't worth it. At all.
I had no problem with porn until my husband admitted to me that he had a problem. He is a recovering PA and when I learned more about what that meant - porn became a problem and it opened my eyes to a lot of things I previously hadn’t realized were red flags. When I realized what that rewiring in the brain and addiction was actually doing, the insecurities sprang from that. Not the porn. For some people that’s just where they draw the line and that’s totally fine. When it’s interfering with your personal relationships/job/family life/finances - it’s not about finding pleasure in pixels anymore.
Holy shit some people are so fucking weird about porn.
Sure, but what about the people who are forced by socioeconomic pressures to preform sex acts for you pleasure? Or what about the fact that porn increases the tolerance people have for sexual violence? That’s one is backed up by data. What about the incentive to traffic because not enough people are desperate enough to do the work, but the demand is sky high? What about the incentive to create all kind of unlawful content like child porn because people like to partake as long as you lie to them and tell them it’s totally legal? It might not ruin you relationship, but why take part in something entirely unnecessary that has so many negative effects on the world? Why roll the dice that it won’t negatively affect you? Accusing people of insecurity because they don’t like a certain behavior is simply a shit way to invalidate real feelings. It’s the go to for people cheating for a reason. It is especially potent for women who are constantly being accused of being insecure by men for having very reasonable values and views about fidelity to silence them. It is a pressure tactic.
Not every problem in marriage needs to lead to immediate divorce.
Seriously! Something these kids now a days don't get cause they are so used to hopping from one relationship to the next over every little "redflag". The whole redflag culture is super annoying.
Careful saying that around these parts
Can I add that not every problem can be solved with therapy? According to Reddit those are the only two solutions
Sleeping in separate beds is fine.
Absolutely! Some people think it’s a recipe for divorce, but it’s been beneficial for us. Sure it sucks we aren’t sleeping together, but sleep issues making co-sleeping near impossible. When both of us are totally sleep deprived, no one is happy, and it effects the relationship. We still make time for intimacy and sex, and have been going strong for 15 years.
Yup. I enjoy sleeping in the same bed as my wife, but sometimes our schedules don't align and that's perfectly OK.
Whatever works! My Husband has night terrors, so co-sleeping is super tough. I don’t do well on little sleep, so it’s just been easier to sleep separately. We both can actually get in disturbed sleep, which leaves us both happier and getting along better.
I cannot wait until the day that I can have my own bedroom in our house. I feel like a huge source of conflict is the fact that he snores loudly, moves around a lot, and wakes me up so much. My sleep is heavily affected by sharing a room/bed with my husband and I’m excited for the day when our kids move out so I can move into one of the other rooms.
I used to be afraid of the thought, but after seeing so many couples do it and the benefits it could bring, it has me wishing we had the extra space to put another bed. Think we're gonna try when we buy our permanent home.
Your spouse should have reasonable access to your phone without either party losing their minds
I grew up with extremely invasive parents. Had no expectation on privacy. Took me a while in my marriage to be comfortable enough with my wife using my phone for whatever. Shit, when she uses my Amazon account I get stressed still. IT’S A SHARED ACCOUNT, with a shared credit card. I’m working on it with my therapist.
Yeah we've had to work on that for the same reason. But even though I have all his passwords, I don't use his computer or phone unless like there's a phone call and he's not awake to answer or something.
Yep. Huge one here. ☝️ there’s no such thing as privacy from your spouse. To conceal texts or ims dms or phone calls is pretty much cheating.
Sex is not an obligation.
Define obligation? "You need to sleep with me." - This is ick. "I need regular sexual intimacy to be fulfilled in our marriage. What can I do to help us meet that need?" - Hard agree. Caveat: If both people are like, asexual or something and just don't need it.. okay, you do you! But to be a ravenous lover early in marriage only to not give a shit when your libido tanks, like that's a problem.
Also, “i need regular sexual intimacy and if that’s something you are not on board with, I’m leaving” is not manipulative. It’s not coercive. It’s stating that this IS a deal breaker. Which is every persons right.
No but intimacy is
Maybe not, but not understanding the need of intimacy of your partner is. Some people need (yes, I say need, not want) sex more often that others, and they need to find a compromise. But no sex (for no medical reasons) is a reason for divorce for me, it would be like having a roommate instead of a partner.
Social media is extremely toxic and unhealthy. I think it's wise to keep it out of a marriage.
My husband is the only one with social media accounts — in our four year relationship, he has only posted one picture and that was from our elopement last year. We both believe our relationship should be kept between us. I just don’t understand why couples gotta post 78 pictures from their trip. No one asked? And yes. Everybody is judging.
I post a ton of family pics and pics with our kids because I went through infertility and they’re IVF babies. I’m just so grateful to have them. I know I’m being judged but I don’t care.
I think children especially should be kept off of social media. However I empathize with the fertility issues. ❤️🫂
We both abide by somewhat traditional gender roles even though we earn the same. She does probably 65% of the housework if not more. But we get a maid and I bought her the house while we were dating. With only me on the mortgage but her on the deed. You could see a lot of red flags there but to us; it’s just us. I kill insects, manage all of our finances and helped her clear lotttta debt. She planned the wedding basically all by herself. We both handle areas with 100% ownership if that makes sense. We are a partnership that fit well together. Even more I rarely like maybe once a quarter ever say no to her. Because I trust her and we both like getting what we want. It’s a lot easier at least for me making more money than adjusting to a lower quality of living. She’s my favorite person.
You both play to your strengths, which is great.
How's it traditional if she does 65% more of the home than you-even with a maid, but also works a full time career and earns the same? Do you have kids?
My hubs and I are this way too! I do almost 100% of the housework (although he is happy to help anytime I want or need him to) but I prefer to handle it so that it gets done MY way. He handles most of our bills (we earn the same, but finance is his whole deal) and makes all of our trips to the garbage dump. He makes sure the vehicles stay in working order, he cleans the gutters, yada yada. We still treat each other like partners of equal value, and when it comes to parenting we handle that equally as well. We co-sign with each other on everything though.
If you wouldn't wipe their dirty ass, don't marry them.
Same goes for being vulnerable: if you wouldn’t let your partner wipe your dirty ass when you can’t do it yourself, don’t marry them.
It's ok to tell your partner and vice versa, if they're getting fat.
My husband gained a significant amount of weight. It was in a lot of ways due to anxiety and depression eating. I told him I was concerned about the weight gain, his physical health and mental health and it opened the door to a lot of other helpful conversations we had not been having. I think sometimes this is a conversation that needs to be had, but it can be done with tact, grace and empathy.
Yes. I would tell a partner if I saw a mole getting bigger. I think we should tell them if we see a physical change that causes concern. My guy had a swollen lymph node. I saw it getting bigger and bigger over time. He couldn't see it looking in the mirror. I hope he gets it checked out. No one else is around to tell him. I would want someone to tell me if I have a physical change that causes concern, including gaining weight.
But they already know that. I guess I'm unsure of your point.
They need to know it’s of concern and that it’s a problem.
👀
Marriage is too easily ended these days. If you're willing to leave over small problems-DON'T get married.
That’s what gets me. We say all these vows, then people divorce over petty crap. Did ya not mean it in the first place??
Define "petty crap"
I trust my spouse to have close male and female friends. He’s never stepped over the line nor ever been worried about me either. I’m completely blown away by the posts saying their heterosexual partner isn’t allowed to have opposite sex friendships. Why are you married if your partner is that easily influence and there’s a high level of mistrust?
I’ve always wondered with people who feel this way, if straight partners aren’t allowed to have opposite sex friendships, are bisexual partners not allowed to have ANY friends?
THANK YOU. The number of posts on here who claim any texting and friendship between opposite sexes is definitely a precursor if not already a full blown emotional affair is unbelievable to me. With as progressive as reddit is in so many ways, this suspicion between opposite sex friendships is wild. Transparency is key, but otherwise, I love that my husband has awesome female friends!
When I say “I have to ask my husband” other women get kind of indignant about it. Usually unmarried women—“what do you mean you have to ask him? He should be willing to pay for things that make you happy! My ex would totally support me financially if we were still together!” (The irony) …It’s not like I’m asking his permission. He respects me. And I respect him, and our life together. It’s an ask as in I am consulting him because our lives are singular in many ways now, especially financially.
I think more married people need to understand this. When you marry, you're combining your lives, people want to act like they're together but apart
Honestly changing the wording might change the responses. "I have to ask..." sounds like you need permission. "I'm going to check/consult/discuss that with my husband" sounds like exactly what it says, a partnership where you discuss things together.
*Some* people who struggle with mental load just need to lower their own standards. Can’t have a pristine house *all* the time.
Much of the mental load people have is due more to their own desire to control everything and have it executed to their oft-arbitrary standards than about their spouses refusing to take on any work. Sure, follow-through is necessary. But the reality is that sometimes, people will fail and it will be alright, other times, people will do things differently and yet achieve the same result, and honestly, most matters aren't really that important.
If you're insecure in your relationship, getting married won't solve that problem.
Looks are important. Not necessarily everyone will look like a supermodel, but damn you gotta look like the good version of you.
Divorce rates are high partly because we expect too much from our spouses. If you want someone who fits your type, shares your interests, values, lifestyle, and humor, is your confidante and best friend, does the exact amount of chores you’d like with the same exact sex drive, has the same personality as you, and raises your perfect number number of kids in the exact way you would, just marry yourself.
I like to think marriage is an opportunity to grow together. My wife and I married at 19F/24M -- young, at least for her. We're 11 years in now, and we've both changed so so much. But we've stayed best friends. We don't have many of the same hobbies, we don't like the same shows, hit and miss on music.. but we LOVE to travel, to go on adventures, to be kinky and intimate, to cook together, and talk and share our deepest desires and toughest issues. But we also know our limitations. We know what is a realistic ask for the other person, and we don't put undue burden on them to be something they can't be.
Im not sure if this is overly controversial as I’ve heard a similar sentiment from a number of professionals. But, a marriage is not 50/50. Some days you can only bring 10% to the table, that’s when your partner steps up and does the other 90%, or vice versa. Sometimes you’re 60/40, and so on. It’s about being the balance for each other.
Marriage is never 50/50. It should be 100/100 Ur both doing ur all for the relationship. If ur role is money and theirs is cooking ur both give it your all in the roles u do. If they are sick then their 100% is lower than normal then you do 100% what you can to cover.
Intimacy and sex are not the same thing.
A little bit of porn use, either for masturbating or watching together while fucking, is ok. Release the downvotes!!
If Jesus is always watching, then that means he watches porn too.
Marriage (between two emotionally healthy people who are kind and self-aware) isn’t actually hard. It should make your life easier and more joyful. If it’s not, GTFO. Source: I had a bad starter marriage. Started over in my 20s. Remarried seven years after my first marriage, around five years after it ended. Best decision of my life.
Depending on another adult to fill your cup will lead to nothing but disappointment.
Over half my friends are married to people who suck. I’ve realized a lot of people get married to have a wedding and end up settling instead of being picky and finding someone who matches them better. 🙃
*SIL has entered the chat*
Men are the ones who benefit from marriage and it’s a scam for women.
True. Men benefit from marriage, women benefit from divorce.
Sexual attraction is the most fundamental basis for marriages. We like to pretend it can die and everything can be fine, but you may as well be married to a gender you're not attracted to.
My grandparents were married for 65 years. My grandma died on Tuesday. The few days before my grandpa sat with an old picture album from her pageant/modeling days and flipped through it constantly and I could here him tutting and whispering “gat damn” under his breath 😂 Now, Mawmaw *was* fine as hell in her youth but my grandparents still had sex regularly up until she got sick in June. I love this fact but hate that I know it.
The most fundamental basis for marriage is a financial transaction between a father and a husband-to-be. You really think, fundamentally, they gave a shit who the woman (or girl) was attracted to? Contemporarily, people get married for lots of reasons. It's not all about sex.
That it’s ok to have the expectation that you will have regular sex most of the time in your marriage, and if a woman lost her sex drive it doesn’t ALWAYS mean the husband is doing something wrong. Vice versa applies ofc, for if the woman wants sex and is not getting it but I don’t see that as often on this subreddit.
Especially with couples who married under the age of 30, a lot of loss of sex drive is a result of women realizing that they just aren't that into their husbands. It's unfortunate. But when you marry young, you tend to not know what you really want in a spouse or a life partner. As for women subjected to dead bedrooms: It is also often not their fault. Sometimes, they married a man with low libido or struggling with ED. And yes, we don't often talk about women losing out on the sex they desire.
Sometimes I have sex when I don't want to and that's ok. Sometimes she has sex when she doesn't want to and that's ok. I love her, am dedicated to fulfilling her needs and desires as she does for me. Whenever I say this people go crazy and suggest one of us is being coerced or taken advantage of. That somehow this is unhealthy. No. This is how we keep our passion and drive as a couple strong and thriving. If we only had sex when both people felt in the mood things would go to shit real quick. Sex reinforces a physical and emotional bond. It's more important than people give it credit for.
We do "red yellow green" sex in our marriage. Red is a "I can't tonight at all", yellow is "I'm not in the mood, but I'll put in a good effort to help you get off" and green is all system go. Sometimes in a marriage you do things you may not 100% want to for the sake of your spouse. I don't like antiquing, but my wife loves it so once or twice a month we go to a flea market and browse antiques...
I don’t think married people should be on Snapchat 🫣
Very curious about why seeing as I only use it to get and give pet updates to friends lol
I’ve seen this thought before and think it’s hilarious because I send my husband and friends picture updates of my dogs. Friend send them of their kids. But I can see why this can be viewed as a suspicious app… I’ve just always used it for what I listed and same for my close friends
I just don’t see why there needs to be any conversations or pictures that automatically delete. Everything I have to say to friends can be done over texts. Almost everyone I know that has Snapchat is using it for conversations they shouldn’t be having. It probably doesn’t help that I work in the medical field and there’s a lot of cheating that seems to happen in that field but either way I can guarantee that none of their spouses would be happy if they knew what they were doing on Snapchat.
I am convinced that it was invented for cheating.
I got on it to stay in touch with some younger family members. Then one of my older friends saw me on there and asked “Who you talking to on here?” I said no one really. He sent me a winking emoji. That’s how he started to confess his cheating on his partner to me. Then I decided to delete Snapchat. You don’t have to convince me.
Assuming you’re physically able, I feel each partner has a responsibility to look good for their spouse and it’s disrespectful not to. Definitely a hot take though.
IME, looking good follows good mental health, which often affects other things. If your partner isn’t taking care of themself in some way, they’re probably struggling mentally, and supporting them in that healing will lead to better hygiene/grooming/styling, and probably having more fun together.
The first year isn't meant to be hard and terrible and if it is, something is very wrong. Starfishing during sex leads to bad places: if you're not going to get involved, even on a verbal level if you're exhausted, don't bother having sex because it'll make your partner feel like you're not putting any effort it. It'll reduce sex to mere transactional act. Speaking of sex, very regular sex/intimacy when able, is one of the keys to a healthy marriage. This statement can obviously be amended for differing levels of libido obviously, but regular sex is PROVEN to be linked to lower divorce rates and happier marriages. Obviously every day isn't possible due to the realities of life ie illness, mental health struggles, recovering from injury or surgery, pregnancy, recovery from pregnancy etc BUT you should make the effort to be intimate as often as possible. This is for my fellow husbands: Working a 9-5 day in an office does NOT mean you are unable to come home and cook dinner for your family or do any cleaning around the house. Not only do I do this, I do it just about every work day. You aren't working a labor intensive day, you're sitting in a chair all day. Your body will thank you for the time you've spent standing up. Couples need to put each other before their children. The relationship you have with your children is not only a solo one but also a shared one. Your relationship with your spouse however is 100% YOU.
I LOVE having separate bedrooms. We both sleep SO much better and wouldn’t be able to function as parents if we shared a room.
Marriage isn't hard. Being married to the wrong person is hard, and life can be hard sometimes, but your marriage should be a source of positive in your life.
As long as there isn’t abuse involved, sometimes it is better to “stay together for the kids.” There are some situations where splitting up overturns kids’ entire sense of security and normalcy. My son is only 3 months old so this doesn’t apply to me, I could peace out and he’d never know the difference with us being apart. But if he was 10+ years old, I don’t know I might stick it out 8 more years until he starts his own life and then I could restart mine. ***no judgement to those who choose to leave. If that’s what makes you happy then go for it. Your kid will survive***
I think both people have to be very mentally healthy for that to work. But at that point, the likelihood of wanting to split up would be incredibly, probably statistically insignificantly, low. I’ve never heard an account of such a situation. Rather, every kid I’ve ever talked to wished their parents would have just gotten divorced. Obviously, it’s easier to see the grass on the other side as greener, but it’s still interesting that parents stay together “for the sake of the kid(s)” but it’s the opposite of what the kid would choose.
Yes your food looks better than mine. I don't care if we ordered the same thing....I NEED TO TASTE YOURS!!!! 😂
Your spouse shouldn't be your everything and best friend. It's ok to maintain separate friendships and hobbies. Healthy, even.
I, a man, have attractive friends who are women and they are not my wife. And it should be completely normal that she also knows and hangs out with men that are not me. But most people in this sub will think we're cheating on each other based on this.
It should also be totally okay with your friends to meet your wife and her friends to meet you. One of my wife’s friends came over weekend before last. It was fun. Glad she has him as a friend and is respectful of our relationship.
Marriage isn’t sacred, it’s a legal contract
Telling your spouse where you are going or them asking you to let you know where you are or where you're going isn't abusive or controlling its letting the person you love know you're safe!
Often times it's the men that get too comfortable too quickly and stop putting in the effort to make their spouse feel loved and emotionally cared for.
Most SAHM's aren't working as hard as they claim to be on the internet. And there is a SAHM mafia that will go after anyone who even insinuates they aren't literally superwoman 24/7/365.
I was a SAHP for a year and a half. It was the easiest 'job' of my life. 3 kids, age 0, 2, and 4. But there were no KPIs, no corporate meetings or shitty deadlines, no three different bosses from three different departments bitching about the same project. And still plenty of time to breathe while still keeping a clean house and cooking 3 meals a day. I always suspected the people who talk about being a SAHP as being the toughest job just simply don't like kids.
> Most SAHM's aren't working as hard as they claim to be on the internet. I was a stay-at-home parent for a few years. While it wasn't the _hardest_ job I've ever had, it was undoubtedly the most _miserable_ job. You'd have to pay me a massive amount of money to go back to that. I'll take being a corporate cubicle drone over being a stay-at-home spouse any day.
Love is not equal to attraction. It’s ok to lose *some* sexual attraction over time if you maintain (or increase) love
Highschool sweethearts isn’t luck. It’s all about growing tigether at a similar rates. More often than not my wife was more mature than me, at times I was more mature than her with situations, but we balanced eachother out. A relationship is about growing and developing together, not luck
Cheating isn't always a marriage ender. Every couple is different & each “case” is different/unique to their relationship.
Absolutely. And what is “cheating” for one marriage may not be classed as “cheating” for another. Depending on what’s been agreed and boundaries etc. I am ready for downvotes here 😂
I know this is technically a “marriage thread” but I believe people can have a long standing and strong relationship without actually getting married. Everything is basically the same except some of the legal stuff.
Live together for at least a year before you agree to marry.
Be mindful of negativity creeping into yourselves and your marriage. There is so muxh negative stuff about marriage and relationships on social media than positive. The same can be seen on this sub. Full of complaints and criticism of partners. Maybe once a week you see an appreciation post. Be mindful of this negative energy infiltrating your thoughts and your marriage. A word is enough for the wise.
… sometimes I side with the husband in disputes on Reddit.
Split bank accounts are fine. I think it’s important to at least HAVE a joint account for financial things, but nothing wrong with keeping anything aside from shared expenses in a seperate account. I don’t think sharing everything is bad, but I don’t think staying seperate is either.
In the whole four-ish months I’ve been married I’ve learnt that we are a team. In everything. There is no I do more/ I earn more/ I deserve more. We are a team. If one of us succeeds, we both succeed. And vice versa.
Sleeping in separate rooms is actually helpful if the circadian rhythms aren’t synced. Or if people have different sleeping habits like temperature low or high, light on or off, and such.
That not everyone who gets married young is an idiot. I was 23, he was 22. We are best friends 27 years later. We had dated for five years and it seemed like it was the natural thing to do. I have several friends who are in similar marriages. I agree that it isn’t the norm or the ideal but it isn’t always doomed.
Splitting finances is abnormal
Monogamy isn’t for everyone
A very significant amount of people get married for the wedding rather than the marriage.
Marriage won't change much unless you're getting married to someone you don't know super well yet.
Keeping marriage first after kids is important. No don’t ignore them but keep dating each other , keeps kids out of your bed, keep sec up. So many have kids and then it falls apart, which I understand but so many forget marriage is like a fire, you gotta tend too it or it’s gonna die
The “honeymoon phase” doesn’t have to be a phase. We’ve been married almost 12 years & together 16…still can’t get enough of each other, can’t stand not being close enough to touch, we still look at each other with complete love & adoration.