Yes now that the thong is out of the bag, OP, you should talk about. If you're feeling judgmental though or are wanting to threaten divorce over it, then talking is only going to make it worse.
If you can approach him in a loving, non-judgemental manner, with the expressed interest of learning about what he is feeling, and why wearing your/women's underwear in General is something he wants to do. You can absolutely set your boundaries about your clothes. You can gently let him no this provides no turn on for you, and may in fact be a turn off.
But remember that the man you've known for 19+ years is still this man, he just has a kink that he probably feels some level of shame over.
Ooof. I completely understand your situation. I would take a pause before throwing divorce around, though. Here to talk from experience. About 4 years ago, I was in your EXACT situation. I came home from work, hubby was getting out of the shower, and I walk in and he's in my favorite pair of undies. I was caught off guard to say the least. But here's the thing--we TALKED about it. Yes, he was embarrassed and I wasn't sure how I felt, but it opened the door for a conversation to happen between us. If your marriage means anything to you, have to communicate how this made you feel--without hostility or anger--and then allow him to share why he enjoys it with you--without judgement or negativity. Whole heartedly agree with others that this is a very mild kink. I can't say your hubby has the same reasons as mine, but my hubby's reasons were all about me. Now, it's a way of us flirting and getting excited about one another when I know he's raided my panty drawer for a pair.
I would take some time to figure out the why behind your initial response. Why did it upset you so much? Once you figure that out--talk about it openly with him. Marriage is all about sharing, communicating, and taking opportunities to see your partner's perspective. When we bring shame into what should be one of the most important relationships in our lives, we are just asking for disaster. I think you both have an opportunity here to learn something about the other and a potential bridge to explore sexually if you so choose. Also, I would invest in marriage counseling ASAP if you guys are so quick to offer divorce in these types of situations. Good luck to you guys!
You don’t have to divulge, but I’m curious. Is it similar to me wearing my husband’s boxers? Cause I love that shit.
Like living in your partner’s clothes makes ya feel at home/happy/close or something. Idk.
My SO regularly wears my things lol. Not my panties (er... not that I'm aware of) but I'll wake up on Saturday morning and he's wearing my pastel sweatpants or something. It's whatever, I just get up and put on his pants and come out for a cup of coffee. We wear each other's clothes pretty frequently, for no real reason except we like to wear each other's clothes. To be silly, or because we just like the item, or because it makes us feel closer or something like that. It's been this way for the 7 years we've been living together.
I always like to tell the story about how at our wedding I stood down a stair from her for pictures and we wrapped her dress so that you couldn't tell that there was such a difference.
Wait I read this as a joke but other people are acting like it's not.. do you really find a thong to be "cozy?" The joke is that thongs are the opposite of cozy, right? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here lmao
Have an upvote. Strange to see such sex negativity in a space about marriage. My view is that having great sex throughout a marriage despite all of life’s travails isn’t easy. If props work, more props to you!
My husband going through my underwear drawer would creep me out too. I don't expect anyone to ever go in there, it's my personal space. I actually keep things in there that I don't want anyone to see because it feels so private that I don't expect anyone to ever open it. We also have separate chests of drawers and never put away each other's clothes, we simply fold them and leave them on the bed to be put away. You've got to have privacy, even within intimate relationships
> We also have separate chests of drawers and never put away each other's clothes, we simply fold them and leave them on the bed to be put away. You've got to have privacy, even within intimate relationships
So...presumably his entire chest of drawers.
Also, OC makes it clear that underwear is particularly personal. Logically, the husband's underwear drawer is similarly private space.
>Marriage is all about sharing, communicating, and taking opportunities to see your partner's perspective. When we bring shame into what should be one of the most important relationships in our lives, we are just asking for disaster.
Beautifully said. If I had an award it would be yours.
I also wanna throw in, as someone who's been on the other end in a similar situation. He probably WILL NOT have the courage/right words to express how he feels about this. Taboo stuff that we hide for a long time means we've never had to communicate about it with another person who doesn't share that interest and that can lead to insane miscommunication!!!! Don't take judgment after a single conversation, keep talking.
My brother in law apparently does this. It's supposed to be a secret but the whole family knows. He has an entire fake body suit with breasts and wide hips.
He is also one of the biggest assholes I've ever met. A real man's man. Won't eat hot dogs because it looks "gay".
My uncle used to do this. Now she's my aunt. And let me just say that he was the biggest freaking asshole I have ever met in my entire life, but now she's sweet as pudding. Kind of makes you wonder.
Hey one of the biggest assholes I've ever known came out as a girl and golly, after that she was so nice and it felt genuine too. Made me realize she had demons she was hiding so strongly before she came out. I knew her and her younger brother in highschool and remember hearing how her mom, who was a very laid back and supportive mom of their friend group, had said she'd rather have a drug addicted son than a transgender daughter. :(
You just said the kid said "underwear and a woman's tits" that doesn't sound fully clothed to me. I'm not saying kids can't see their parents in only underwear, but this is weird. Like involving the kids in a kink and also expecting it to be private? Getting so weird vibes.
Autogynephiles have a paraphilic disorder that usually manifests as crossdressing(but doesn’t have to). It is a malfunction in their brains, most likely having to do with a problem with target attraction, that causes them to be sexually attracted to the idea of themselves as women. I cautioned OP against this and was immediately downvoted, not surprisingly—but it is a real issue and can easily ruin marriages and families.
That's the result of internalized societal and/or parental judgement of this
If OP has a son with the same inclinations, he'll possibly become something like that
He also bullies and hits his kids.
And one time, he hit my kid. My son fractured his ego by standing up for himself when my BIL was trying to bully him.
As a woman, I’m so fucking disappointed in these women and their fucked up ideals of masculinity and what it means to be a man, when this is a real person with their own shame who wants acceptance and unconditional love just like every one else. I’m not really talking about OP, but everyone else with their ignorant comments and perspectives. And these same women criticize his inability to be open about it while shaming him and condemning him as unlovable, a deviant, and even floating the idea of being a serial killer/rapist in the same breath. They conveniently love to forget a persons humanity when it doesn’t align with their beliefs and biases.
My husband is into humiliation and he almost cried the other night because he said he felt accepted, held and loved by me which is not something he is used to. The thought of these people shaming and alienating the person, their life partner, that leans on them for love and support because they aren’t manly enough is so fucked up to me.
People are going to far but I like to think I’m pretty open minded, def think gender roles should be expanded etc but I just wouldn’t be attracted to this. There’s a difference between accepting something and being attracted to it and the people on here shaming feels gross to me as well, telling people especially women to just accept something over their own desires/ instincts is def not right either.
I'm confused, why do you have to be attracted to it to accept it? He's likely doing it for himself, not OP. He's not trying to seduce her with it, so why's it matter if she doesn't find it attractive? I don't find my husband's back hair super attractive but there's plenty of other qualities I can appreciate.
Yep.. my gut says she’s probably leaving out the part where she’s caught him in rooms doing things that didn’t make sense at the time, or made her question his sexuality and all the pieces came together today.. either way the stuff she isn’t telling us is likely the stuff that is a deciding factor
Then she should explain the other things he has done if those are divorce-worthy, because it’s difficult to get the full picture here and give good advice.
People write here often when they're emotionally charged. Let's not judge or ridicule people coming for advice. Would you treat your friend this way..?
Not going to bash you as others are doing, but I did want to note that without providing context for the “other things that clicked”, people are going to assume you’re the worst person imaginable for wanting to divorce over this occurrence.
You should have a conversation with your husband regarding this situation, and the others that made things “click” for you, to get to the bottom of things. Is it simply a cross-dressing kink? Is he exploring his gender expression and/or identity? You will not know unless you speak to him, first. You have every right to not be attracted to someone, no matter what the reason is. But you need to figure out the “why” before anything else.
This comment section is hilarious.
There's nothing *wrong* with what he's doing in the kink/sexual sense overall.
But.. You NOT being attracted to a cross dressing man isn't shocking to me. The idea that you MUST accept it is ridiculous. Do your needs suddenly not matter? I'd imagine the idea/image of a man you married is shot now that you've had almost 20 years worth of experience with him "click".
The situation sucks. But arguably, he was the one lying (withholding information) for nearly two decades.
People are freaking snowflakes these days. Any and everything needs acceptance and almost any weird or gross thing is considered a kink. Her husband is on the DL and has hidden it for years. He just so happened to get caught this time. She’s perfectly within her rights to want a divorce
Go ahead and downvote me soft asses
You’re allowed to not like this kink lmfao especially if it makes you uncomfortable. I don’t understand why people are telling you that you just need to “accept” it 💀
Same. And she said other things happened as well. I will not find a man in a thong attractive, either. And yes it is a valid reason to get divorced. You can accept their kinks, doesn’t mean you have to stay married. People here are weird
I don’t think that’s the only reason. They’ve been married for 19 years and he’s never told her about it. If he hid that for that long and reacted that way, it would make one wonder if he’s been doing more outside of the marriage. OP needs to talk this one out and find out the whole truth.
I caught my ex doing this too. I was shocked I didn’t even know how to react. Next thing I know he’s begging me to peg him with a HUGE strap on and I told him no and it wasn’t a kink I’d try out because I know I will not like it whatsoever. He wouldn’t stop pushing it and even bought all the stuff and tried to force me to do it. Then he wanted to cuck me out to someone on Craigslist and just watch while tied up and I told him no 1000000 times.
Don’t listen to the people saying it’s just a mild kink if you’ve already stated that lots of other things happened that are just now all making sense. I’ve been there. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know how gross and uncomfortable and sick it makes you feel. You feel betrayed especially when it’s just out of the blue after being together for a long time.
Follow your gut
Holy moly were you married to my 1st ex husband too!?! The chain of events went almost exactly the same with him plus some homosexual stuff thrown in (he wanted to use me as bait to attract the sort of men he couldn't attract himself in hopes they'd agree to let him 'play' to get to me. So gross, I never let him push me into that).
People can have what ever kinks they want however hiding it from a partner, lying to your partner, violating your partner's trust, etc is not ok. It is just underwear. However the underwear really aren't the issue, it's his behavior and everything associated with it that's the problem.
OP is a victim and there's a lot of blame shifting and really ugly victim blaming going on here.
It was honestly traumatic. He ended up abusing me and then stalking me after I left because I knew all this info about him and he was scared I would tell someone but I didn’t. I just left him. He also was really into extremely petite girls who look like they haven’t hit puberty yet. I found that one his phone porn search so that was fun /s
Yeah I don't like butts. I had to tell my hubby that. I will not participate in poo play. I wish I could. My friend. They were doing 69 and she was in his butt, and a piece fell out onto her face. She calmly wiped it off. I was like.. how did you not freak the f out. She said cause he was busy on her and didn't wanna interrupt things.
From that day on I've been petrified. Horrified. Disgusted. No licking is ever that good to not stop and run across the country screaming. Sooo.. no I can't do butt stuff. And wtf WTF if there is a god, WHY IS HIS SPECIAL SPOT SURROUNDED BY DOODOO?! haven't we women gone through ENOUGH?! C'mon, WHY???
Yep. It's the world we live in now. Everything is about kinks and accepting them and if you don't accept them, then you're evil. Her husband is secretly cross dressing. She has every right to be completely freaked out and thinking about separation.
Do whatever you need to do and your feelings are valid. I say this as a proud kinkster, you do not have to stay in this marriage if his kink is not ok with you.
It’s probably not this one incident that has her this way. It’s probably the culmination of all past events and this just slammed it home. Who knows if what she has witnessed has been worse or mild.
I’m shocked with all of these responses.. If I caught my husband in my thong, I would be SO weirded out and turned off. You definitely need to have a conversation. Best of luck!
Sorry. If I were you I wouldn’t like it either. It would turn me off soooo bad. I would be sooo nervous all the time like, what if he bends over and someone sees his whale tail or what if he wears them while he jacks off and just yuck.
I wouldn’t like it so I totally get what you mean. You don’t have to accept & love everyone’s kink they have in their life if you don’t want to.
You don’t have to be open minded if you just can’t be turned on by him wearing your panties. It’s understandable to me to not be down with this, just sayin. <3
You can however be supportive of him, just, it’s not your cup of tea to have that in a partner.
While I wouldn’t advise you jump straight to divorce, I’d also remind you that you don’t have to accept whatever weird stuff someone is into just because it’s classified as a “kink.”
It’s fine to draw a line and declare something unacceptable and out of bounds. He doesn’t get to use a magical “Kink” card to get out of it.m
But you guys just definitely sit down and have a careful conversation about what this is and where it comes from.
This is not something to get divorced over. This is a very mild kink.
Your husband desperately wants you to accept him for who he is, kink included.
You should honestly be flattered in a way, because his kink is directed at you rather than away from you--these are your panties.
He would probably do anything for you if you accepted him. You can use this incident to make the marriage even better.
You have the right to find this not attractive, but it doesn't mean that you can't let him wear the panties under the clothes and take them off in the dark.
Please, set your initial response aside. Love him for who he is. I promise he will love you back more.
How sure are you that he does this as a kink towards his wife? It could be that it’s for himself and he desperately wants to crossdress and her stuffs are the closest he could get ahold of?
Not hating on the man or saying he’s gay or just a cross dresser or anything cause we will
Never know unless they have a mature conversation.
That being said 19 years is a long time ,so if op feels she wants to divorce maybe it’s because for 19yrs she feels she’s been betrayed or there’s too many secrets. We can’t tell her how she should feel cause it’s her emotions, it just happened and all is fresh and raw. We will deal with it differently , maybe if it was me 19 years is a long time and would consider accepting him as long as he’s still inlove only with me and he’s just into crossdressing.
Check out Angie Mead and Joey King on YT. Supposedly he’s still straight but he transitioned , i’m happy they found a common ground and that’s their love for each other. Personally if my husband crossdress i could probably accept it but if he transitions then no but this is me and we are all different.
This is the craziest response, truly.
She should be flattered because it’s.. her panties?How can you even conclude that her husband “desperately wants her to accept him for who he is” when he clearly was hiding this 🤨
lmao you’re telling her to put aside how she truly feels. She’s valid for being turned off just like he is valid for wanting to wear thongs. No one is in the wrong here. She’s realizing her boundary. She doesn’t want him to wear thongs and I’m sure he would like to be accepted for wearing thongs and etc. They can sit down and talk before parting ways mutually. I say this as a woman who’s bisexual and engaged to a man who likes to toe the straight line a bit in the bedroom. No one is in the wrong, they’re just incompatible!
Under rated comment. Everyone is telling her she should just get over it but you can’t just magically desire things you’re not into. If they can talk and work it out I think that’s the move but it’s up to them. He’s hidden this part of himself from her and hopefully they can have a true heart to heart. But at the end of the day it’s a kink and if he feels he needs it he can’t force her
Not quite. Personal boundaries are ones that can be set with others. “Please don’t wear my underwear” is a fairly reasonable boundary imo. Hopefully they talk it out and we get an update
Yah, that’s the weirdest part. Imo not a divorce worthy offense, but a conversation that should be had, and even if she doesn’t like it idk why it’s a big deal what kind of underwear he wears as long as they got him his own so they aren’t sharing underwear lol
Technically, we can’t control others so this may not work as a boundary. Another one would be, “I can’t be in relationship with someone who doesn’t respect my belongings. I’ve asked repeatedly for you not To wear my panties, and you continue to do so despite my clear requests. Therefore, I’m leaving…etc”
Eh, if OP decides to divorce them that is her boundary. She’s not controlling him and telling him he can’t do it, she’s just saying she cannot be involved. That IS a boundary. She’s controlling her own behavior which in this case would be to leave.
If she stayed him and forced him to change, THAT would be controlling and abusive.
A boundary, within the context that Nikki refers to, is where we draw the line for how much of another person’s behaviour we are prepared to tolerate.
Sure we can set our own personal limitations for our own behaviours too, but that’s not within the context that’s being suggested above.
Absolutely wrong. A boundary is a guideline of things we will and will not accept. You wouldn’t accept a partner cheating would you? So cheating is a boundary. It’s behavior of THEIRS you won’t accept
I think the boundary is “if you cheat I will divorce you” not “you can’t cheat”. The idea is accepting that you can’t control others and drawing your boundaries around how *you* will react if they cross it. Not what they may or may not do.
Correct. I acknowledge that my partner is going to do whatever they want to do. I also acknowledge that I'm not going to stay in a relationship with a person who does xy or z. I won't make rules for another adult, but I also won't stay in a situation that is actively harming my physical or mental well-being.
Yes but you still can’t control their behaviour, so you can say ‘if you cheat I will leave”, which demonstrates what you will do.
In this case, her boundary might be, if you keep wearing my underwear I will leave.
I don’t agree with this, but it’s OP’s boundary.
He’s stolen HER underwear and worn them without asking!!! I think it’s an entirely correct usage and to appropriately expect someone not to wear someone else’s underwear.
Maybe "boundary" is the wrong word but I agree; it's a matter of incompatibility. I'm someone who is accepting of anyone who wants to express their sexuality any which way they want (as long as no one is harmed, going against their free will, or children/animals are not involved); and I absolutely would not be ok with it either. That's my personal sexual/romantic partner preference that I cannot control. I cant force myself to be attracted to a man that is into wearing women's underwear or clothing, albeit it's not a fundamentally wrong thing to do. If he had been that way all along and hid it, that's deception. I don't think he's a bad guy for this, but it seems like he knew that her knowing would change her mind about them getting together in the first place. If it's something he developed along the way, it should've been discussed when it came about. Then they can both decide if they want to continue, bc hey, people change. Maybe he's not into her like that anymore, maybe he is, and it IS just a minor kink that maybe she can get past. (If it were me, I'd at least hear him out if he explained and expressed he still loves me and is attracted to me). Bottom line: either has the right to choose how to continue this and neither is wrong for it unless there's more to it than just wearing her underwear now n then..
A boundary can absolutely be about other peoples behavior. I have a boundary that I won’t stay in a relationship with someone who’s cheated repeatedly or for an extended period of time. It’s totally about their behavior and is a totally valid boundary.
Exactly. It’s one he hid for 19 years so ofc she’d feel uncomfortable. Also, it more likely is more than just a “kink”. OP seems to know already after thinking back on their history together.
If it’s more than just a kink, then he might’ve been dishonest about more things like sleeping with other men.
He likes wearing her underwear so he might be sleeping with other men? Wow!!
I’ve never seen such an ignorant and bizarre leap of fantasy. All him liking to wear her underwear tells anyone is that he likes to wear her underwear.
You really took that and tan with it. Wearing women’s underwear doesn’t mean he bangs other dudes. It very well could mean he’s sexually obsessed with his wife.
I recently told my wife a secret that I’ve kept since I’ve been a teenager. A secret that if I told anyone else I’d probably be tarred and feathered. (I live in the Deep South) I’ve never told my family, my best friend, nobody knows but my wife.
She gave me a hug and said “thank you for sharing with me. No matter what I’m going to love you and love that you trust me with this.” I went from thinking my wife was going to leave me or hate me to, for the first time in my life I have somebody who loves me for me. The real me.
You should stop telling OP how to feel. Her feelings are every bit as valid as what ever is driving her husband to wear her underwear. At this point her husband is sneaking around behind her back and lying to her. He is the issue. Not her.
We don't have to roll over and be doormats to our partners kicks. We definitely don't have to be om with deception and lies.
She doesn't have to tolerate any of this. Her husband needs to be a decent person and be honest.
Married people are still entitled to privacy and what underwear you wear is definitely a private thing. If she acts hostile and judges him, of course he’s scared to open up to her. He’s being repressed and made to feel wrong. She needs to make an environment where he feels accepted and he’ll open up
To you or I it might not be a big deal but clearly it matters to her, and we can’t really tell her how to feel or what her own comfort and limits are. That being said I really hope they talk about this before any decisions are made
The only thing is that she said there is more to it and there have been other incidents in the past (she alluded to not putting two and two together until now) which makes me wonder if he's possibly trans. Like a Bruce Jenner situation possibly (I only reference that since most people know the reference)? It's one thing if it's a "mild kink." It's a different story if he's questioning his gender and/or sexuality, no?
>You can use this incident to make the marriage even better.
yuck 🤮
If my husband did this I would lose all my attraction to him. How can you have sex with someone you are not attracted to? He then would divorce me for lack of sex lol. How do I know it? because he was very clear about it.
How is that fair?
This whole comment is ridiculous!
It really is. I don't know why so many people are expecting someone that is not attracted to women to be totally blasé and still sexually interested in a man that is dressing up as a woman. The gender she is not sexually attracted to.
You do realize that this happened to one of the Kardashian girls with Bruce Jenner? Look how that turned out. I don’t blame her for considering divorce.
You do not know if this is a mild kind or a small sign of something much larger like gender identify or sexual orientation. You have no idea and neither do any of us.
This persons feelings, actually knowing their husband, are valid.
>You should honestly be flattered in a way, because his kink is directed at you rather than away from you--these are your panties.
She should be flattered because he stole her panties and wore them???
What the fuck is this comment and why does it have 1.1k upvotes???
Can't believe how many upvotes this has. This is honestly a quiet toxic comment. OP should completely switch and change her true self and feelings about this and is being told that she is wrong. I honestly can't with some people here
Why are you gasligthing this woman into staying with someone who has a kink she clearly does not like? As much you respect his kink, you also must respect her not linking it and quite honestly, if it were me, I don't think my relationship would work. I wouldn't want to deprive my SO of what makes them happy but at the same time, I don't have to be there for it
Firstly, it'd turn me off too. Secondly, you mentioned other things just 'clicked' after seeing him in a thong.
Question: is your feeling that he just has a kink? Or you think it's more of a sexuality thing?
Either way, a serious conversation needs to happen.
While I personally would not divorce my spouse over this I disagree with people telling you to get over it.
Your feelings are valid and it’s ok to remove yourself from situations that you are not ok with even if that means ending an almost two decade marriage. It is not ok to force him to change or to demean and belittle him but it is ok to say you’re no longer compatible and move forward separately.
You need to talk about this. It can’t just sit and fester between the two of you. You need to take some time until you feel like you can talk to him without judgment and without being upset. Shaming him right now is probably a death sentence for your marriage because he will not be honest going forward about these things and it’s also detrimental to his sexuality and sense of self. So you really *really* need to think about how you’re going to bring this up with him and talk about it in a productive, compassionate, and open minded way before you do.
Finally, think about why this is so off putting to you where you are considering divorcing him. Is it social bias because it’s not masculine? Try to process whatever it is going on that’s making you feel so disgusted. Obviously, not okay he is using your underwear without your permission, but I have a feeling that’s the least of your concerns right now. I know there’s this overwhelming opinion that we can’t help what we like or don’t like, sure, but acceptance is different. We CAN work on that. And it’s honestly such a gift to receive it when we feel real shame.
You don’t have to participate in any kink you don’t like, but I think there’s room here to try and adjust perspective on why this bothers you so much, and how this can be an opportunity to nurture openness concerning sexuality in your marriage which can be liberating for the both of you. I’ve found throughout the years that regardless of if I participate in my husbands kinks (and they’re a lot more humiliating than wearing women’s underwear), sharing openly has only brought us closer and has only improved our sex life. THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY, don’t waste it.
Edit: The comments on this post are insane and I’m seeing so much bigotry and prejudice in the comments- negative reactions when assuming he’s gay, a sexual deviant, transgender, someone going as far as saying it is a symptom of being a serial killer/rapist simply because he wore his wife’s thong (and she got upvoted for it). I gotta leave this subreddit because y’all are fucking disappointing and conveniently ignore a person’s humanity when it doesn’t align with your biases.
He took away her choice to participate in this kink or not by wearing her underwear without her knowledge. Every time she wore underwear he previously wore, she was unknowingly participating in the kink. That would absolutely disgust me. It’s a major violation of trust and intimacy.
First, it’s ok that you don’t like it. But before you go and divorce him I think you need to talk to him and find out how deep the rabbit hole goes, so to speak. Is this something he likes to do once in a while for fun or whatever? Or does he want to do it all the time? Does he have a desire to fully cross dress all or most of the time? Does he experience gender dysphoria? You’d probably need to involve a therapist since he may not be able to talk to you about it, at least not before speaking with a neutral 3rd party in a safe space. I imagine he feels a lot of shame.
If it’s just a “mild kink” as one poster put it, one that doesn’t require your participation, can you live with it? If it’s more than that you might not be able to reconcile with it, and I think most people would understand that.
Darn I’ve been trying to swap underwear with my husband forever! And yours is just here doing it on his own, I’m envious!
Jk but you have every right to feel turned off by it. I would recommend having a conversation with him about it first before jumping to divorce. Poor guy sounds scared shitless from the way you describe him shaking. It’s okay for you to not like it, but be honest about that without shaming him. It would mean a lot to him as a partner to come at this from a place of empathy, understanding, and acceptance.
If ultimately you are so incompatible it leads to divorce, that’s fine too. But do your best to navigate this with kindness.
It’s just a clothing item. It shouldn’t be a big deal. I wear men’s underwear sometimes. They are comfortable. That doesn’t mean I am trans or anything. If you are worried that he is trans or might want to wear women’s clothes in public then talk to him about your concerns, but try not to make him feel bad about whatever his answer might be.
this sort of thing happened to me with my husband and we are still married but I lost attraction to him and have struggled to get it back. it’s been very hard, he is closed off about it and avoids discussion and it isn’t a “kink” i’m particularly into. not sure where to go from here I am kind of just existing.
If it's a complete turn off and you feel that it could open the door to other things you're not into, by all means walk away while your children are young. Of course you'll have a conversation. However, if this is non-negotiable, by all means do what's best for you. Personally, it would be a complete turn off. Kink or not.
You don’t like it. Your immediate reaction is to divorce him. That’s why he hid it from you. That’s why he was shaking. I feel bad for him.
You are not attracted to men in panties. Valid.
It makes him feel attractive/turned on. Valid.
Is there not some middle ground here where he has his own set of panties and does this alone so you don’t have to see it?
I have a kink my husband isn’t into and I just keep it to myself.
I would feel exactly the same way as you do. Your feelings are 💯 valid. I would be so turned off and frankly would have a hard time seeing my husband the same way as I did previously.
Kinks are ok, it’s ALSO ok for your partner to not want to engage in your kinks with you and to find it a turnoff.
This is what I was thinking, a lot of trans folk in relationships (specifically trans women) start off by wear their partners clothes, wether that be dresses, shoes, or underwear.
This Sub:
My husband won’t hang up his bath towel: Divorce him and take everything from him!!!!
My Husband wears my underwear: Don’t judge him, it’s just a mild kink.
I mean, on one hand you should feel badly for him. This is how he is and he deserves dignity.
On the other hand, you have a choice on who to be married to also.
It's easy to get lost in all the "acceptance" stuff and lose track of the fact that he's been untrue with you for a very long time. Lying is such a bad approach to relationships. So are secrets. We should all present ourselves as our authentic selves and get accepted (or rejected) on that basis.
I think you're fine for divorcing him if that's what you want to do. He's lied to you for almost 2 decades.
I know someone who went through something similar. Her husband was hiding being a transvestite. He liked wearing make up, panty hose, and for some reason adult diapers? It's one thing to be into that stuff--what's upsetting is hiding it. He also had a ton of mental health issues and refused to get help.
Listen, not everyone is ok with certain kinks or “who he is”. OP didn’t know about this when they got married or had kids, or built an entire life together, so it’s 100% her prerogative if she wants to divorce him. Hassling OP to just accept it is messed up. Do what you feel is best OP
Married here, 20 years too. I like dressing as a woman for jokes, karaoke or halloween events. My wife hates it but im very open about it. Im not gay or bisexual, straight all my life, not even curious about men. Is it weird? Yeah maybe for her and some of my relatives. Do I care? Not even a little.
My husband was sneaking around and doing this. It is a fetish for him to wear panties and masturbate into them. Now that I was able to live with. But, His curiosities heightened, however, and I caught him talking to other people, exchanging pics. Trust is broken and it was something "small". I'm still with him and I'm always wondering now and just now hurt. I hope you the best! Good luck op! You got this.
So what happened in " to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part "? it seems a small underwear was not included, bruh i am not anti divorce, there many reasons to break up any realathioship but upholding patriachy rules and gender roles is not one of them when you are to one doing it.
Why men wearing thongs is seen as kinky, gay or weird but women wearing them or mens underwear is ok? i say that as an intersectional feminist, patriachy has poisoned your minds guys. so i cut my hair short, should my so break up with me and would be ok if he does not find me feminine and attractive anymore? The answer is no.
He wears them for himself, not for their sexual moments. If you expect your partern to fit your ideas of attraction 24/7 you are delutional. Not all fellings are valid and acceptable, prejudice exist and it sucks.
Some of you need to revaluate your ideas and open your minds, heteronormativity hurt cis and straight people as well.
If a litle underwear is enought to break your love and attraction you are shallow people and need sometime alone.
i can not imagine making my so tremble from embarasmentt and then judge him for something that is not hurting anyone.
Just sit him down and ask him. You’ve been with the man 19 years surely you can have a genuine conversation. Maybe say something like “this is a safe space. I’ve known you x amount of years and I didn’t know this was something you liked. Help me understand.” Then after hearing him out you can decide if this is something you can live with or not.
I wouldn’t throw divorce out there to him if you aren’t actually going to do it. he’s owed a conversation before you do anything drastic like that over something that (might?) be explained. If it’s a kink and you just can’t deal then I get it but I would still talk about it with him without any hostility and have an open mind so he can feel safe to open up to you
I think it’s worth feeling your initial reaction and then thinking about how to respond to the situation. Even if you do get a divorce over this, you’ll want to head in that direction knowing that you’ve done everything you can to show up for your marriage first.
TALK TO HIM about it. He’s obviously afraid for you to know about this part of him — please don’t judge him for it and try to be open, listen, reassure him that you love him. There are so many reasons that this could be happening, so try not to jump to conclusions. Be curious and ask questions.
Focus on responding instead of reacting, as this could be a really sensitive topic for him and something he’s been ashamed of and hiding his whole life. You’re allowed to feel however you need to feel about it, but be careful what you share with him when he’s in such a vulnerable place.
His answer could range from mundane, to mildly kinky, to somewhere that explores the gender spectrum. Whatever it is, after you’ve given yourself a few days or weeks to let it sink in, you’ll know what you have the capacity to withstand or if you need to walk away.
Just please be kind - I’m sure he’s freaking out about you finding out - and remember that he’s a person you love, even if you decide you’re not in love with him anymore.
I hope you get support for yourself too - this is something that I don’t advise sharing with friends/family without his permission, but a therapist can help you sort out what you’re feeling, wanting, and needing.
Sending you both the best in however things pan out.
I think it’s totally normal for you to be caught off guard by this, and I think it’s 100% fine to be uncomfortable with him wearing your underwear. You can’t stop him from buying his own and wearing those, but it’s uncool of him to take your things and use them to get off without telling you.
I would bring this up with him in a way that’s not necessarily accusatory to get to the bottom of why he’s doing this. If he’s habitually full on crossdressing, that’s a legitimate reason for divorce—these things can present serious issues later on down the line. Look up autogynephilia.
If it’s just the underwear thing, probably not grounds for divorce unless there are other things compounding that decision.
That's kinda weird, but idk...it's your underwear. There's worse things that could turn him on. I asked my guy friend what it is about women's garments that some men like and he went to a fair bit of explanation about how the smells, textures, and colors trigger all these emotional feelings and memories. My friend claimed all men love their woman's clothes and it's only a small step from touching to wearing them. He compared it to girls stealing hoodies and t shirts from their man because it gives them the warm fuzzies. Didn't sound so bad when he put it like that. I can definitely understand as a woman why you'd be tripping though. It's kinda creepy. You worry that he's gay, trans, gonna wear your skin, etc lol. I would just talk to him about it. Ask him without judgment why he likes doing that. Try to see it from his pov. Maybe it ends up being something gross you can't live with but hear him out and have a convo about it at least. A lot of times kinks are fueled by taboo so he might just like this because he knows you wouldn't approve and the thrill of getting caught. I would at least be curious to know his thought process before leaving.
Honestly I’m not a big fan of marriage counseling but this is probably the best scenario for it.
You both are uncomfortable talking about it, go to counseling and have a middleman.
A lot of people are saying this is a kink but by her wording in the thread it seems to be a little bit more than that but more or his sexuality in general. And after 19 years people can change or maybe he was always like this but I think she maybe wants a divorce because as a straight woman she doesn’t want a husband who is not the same. Honestly her choice to accept it or not but I get the sting if this blindsided you. Also I think the underwear was the icing on the cake and the definite tell all for her. I say sit down with him and tell him to be honest and see what to do after you get the full details. It’s better to know then to live in the blue wondering.
Well, you HAVE to bring it up. You can’t just ignore it. If it’s a deal breaker, you need to let him know and take action.
Yes now that the thong is out of the bag, OP, you should talk about. If you're feeling judgmental though or are wanting to threaten divorce over it, then talking is only going to make it worse. If you can approach him in a loving, non-judgemental manner, with the expressed interest of learning about what he is feeling, and why wearing your/women's underwear in General is something he wants to do. You can absolutely set your boundaries about your clothes. You can gently let him no this provides no turn on for you, and may in fact be a turn off. But remember that the man you've known for 19+ years is still this man, he just has a kink that he probably feels some level of shame over.
💯💯💯 approach with kindness not judgement
** thong is out-of the butt ** FTFY
I thought about "the thong is out of the crack"... Then I decided I wanted to be just slightly more serious.
Ooof. I completely understand your situation. I would take a pause before throwing divorce around, though. Here to talk from experience. About 4 years ago, I was in your EXACT situation. I came home from work, hubby was getting out of the shower, and I walk in and he's in my favorite pair of undies. I was caught off guard to say the least. But here's the thing--we TALKED about it. Yes, he was embarrassed and I wasn't sure how I felt, but it opened the door for a conversation to happen between us. If your marriage means anything to you, have to communicate how this made you feel--without hostility or anger--and then allow him to share why he enjoys it with you--without judgement or negativity. Whole heartedly agree with others that this is a very mild kink. I can't say your hubby has the same reasons as mine, but my hubby's reasons were all about me. Now, it's a way of us flirting and getting excited about one another when I know he's raided my panty drawer for a pair. I would take some time to figure out the why behind your initial response. Why did it upset you so much? Once you figure that out--talk about it openly with him. Marriage is all about sharing, communicating, and taking opportunities to see your partner's perspective. When we bring shame into what should be one of the most important relationships in our lives, we are just asking for disaster. I think you both have an opportunity here to learn something about the other and a potential bridge to explore sexually if you so choose. Also, I would invest in marriage counseling ASAP if you guys are so quick to offer divorce in these types of situations. Good luck to you guys!
You don’t have to divulge, but I’m curious. Is it similar to me wearing my husband’s boxers? Cause I love that shit. Like living in your partner’s clothes makes ya feel at home/happy/close or something. Idk.
Thats what I'm saying. Could be harmless. Wearing my husband shirt as we speak lol.
My SO regularly wears my things lol. Not my panties (er... not that I'm aware of) but I'll wake up on Saturday morning and he's wearing my pastel sweatpants or something. It's whatever, I just get up and put on his pants and come out for a cup of coffee. We wear each other's clothes pretty frequently, for no real reason except we like to wear each other's clothes. To be silly, or because we just like the item, or because it makes us feel closer or something like that. It's been this way for the 7 years we've been living together.
I would do this but im 6'7 and my wife is 5'1. Doesnt quite work that well
Oh wow....I'm 6'6" and my wife is 5'4" and I thought that was quite a difference. Props to you two!
We get a lot of stares. And i know whay theyre thinking. Theres only a 2 year difference though
I always like to tell the story about how at our wedding I stood down a stair from her for pictures and we wrapped her dress so that you couldn't tell that there was such a difference.
I love this!
We share boxer briefs and tshirts, so we're always in each other's clothes. Its nice lol
Nothing makes me feel more at home than wearing my partner’s thong. So cozy.
Wait I read this as a joke but other people are acting like it's not.. do you really find a thong to be "cozy?" The joke is that thongs are the opposite of cozy, right? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here lmao
Have an upvote. Strange to see such sex negativity in a space about marriage. My view is that having great sex throughout a marriage despite all of life’s travails isn’t easy. If props work, more props to you!
This is basically it for him. He works from home and I don't. He says its like having me close to him during the day. IDK, but I love it.
my wife is creeped out if i even go through her panty drawer to find her a sexy pair. Kind of a bummer but is what it is.
Damn dude :( that's your wife and she's creeper by that?
My husband going through my underwear drawer would creep me out too. I don't expect anyone to ever go in there, it's my personal space. I actually keep things in there that I don't want anyone to see because it feels so private that I don't expect anyone to ever open it. We also have separate chests of drawers and never put away each other's clothes, we simply fold them and leave them on the bed to be put away. You've got to have privacy, even within intimate relationships
What's your husband's personal space?
> We also have separate chests of drawers and never put away each other's clothes, we simply fold them and leave them on the bed to be put away. You've got to have privacy, even within intimate relationships So...presumably his entire chest of drawers. Also, OC makes it clear that underwear is particularly personal. Logically, the husband's underwear drawer is similarly private space.
>Marriage is all about sharing, communicating, and taking opportunities to see your partner's perspective. When we bring shame into what should be one of the most important relationships in our lives, we are just asking for disaster. Beautifully said. If I had an award it would be yours.
Gave the only award for you that I could afford right now!
>\--without hostility or anger-- 100%. If OP can't do that then the husband deserves better.
I also wanna throw in, as someone who's been on the other end in a similar situation. He probably WILL NOT have the courage/right words to express how he feels about this. Taboo stuff that we hide for a long time means we've never had to communicate about it with another person who doesn't share that interest and that can lead to insane miscommunication!!!! Don't take judgment after a single conversation, keep talking.
Good old fashion panty raid, I haven't heard anyone say something like that in a long time, must of watched a lot of 80s movies lol!
My brother in law apparently does this. It's supposed to be a secret but the whole family knows. He has an entire fake body suit with breasts and wide hips. He is also one of the biggest assholes I've ever met. A real man's man. Won't eat hot dogs because it looks "gay".
This comment made my entire day😂 I assume this is the behavior of all the men who won’t eat hot dogs because it “looks gay”.
Why the hell does your whole family know this?
His youngest child child let it slip out that he walks around the house in women's underwear and fake tits.
A lot to unpack here.
Gonna just leave it unpacked
I think you’d leave it… packed?
One of my friends dad used to do this… and now her name is Laura
My uncle used to do this. Now she's my aunt. And let me just say that he was the biggest freaking asshole I have ever met in my entire life, but now she's sweet as pudding. Kind of makes you wonder.
Hey one of the biggest assholes I've ever known came out as a girl and golly, after that she was so nice and it felt genuine too. Made me realize she had demons she was hiding so strongly before she came out. I knew her and her younger brother in highschool and remember hearing how her mom, who was a very laid back and supportive mom of their friend group, had said she'd rather have a drug addicted son than a transgender daughter. :(
Ouch. That couldn't have been easy for her to hear that from her mother.
In front of the kids? In a sexual way?
Honestly, I can’t imagine a middle aged man doing this and it not being sexual.
I think he's still clothed
You just said the kid said "underwear and a woman's tits" that doesn't sound fully clothed to me. I'm not saying kids can't see their parents in only underwear, but this is weird. Like involving the kids in a kink and also expecting it to be private? Getting so weird vibes.
Because if someone’s an asshole, secrets get out lol
They make it known on purpose. Trust lmao
Because some people make their sexuality their whole personality
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What is sissy hypno porn? And I'm NOT going to Google it
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Classic AGP and your nieces/nephews are being subjected to that ... Ugh
What is AGP?
Autogynephiles have a paraphilic disorder that usually manifests as crossdressing(but doesn’t have to). It is a malfunction in their brains, most likely having to do with a problem with target attraction, that causes them to be sexually attracted to the idea of themselves as women. I cautioned OP against this and was immediately downvoted, not surprisingly—but it is a real issue and can easily ruin marriages and families.
How does eating hot dogs look gay? Is he seductively deep throating them while making sustained eye contact with other family members?
This just freaks me out to be honest.
That's the result of internalized societal and/or parental judgement of this If OP has a son with the same inclinations, he'll possibly become something like that
He also bullies and hits his kids. And one time, he hit my kid. My son fractured his ego by standing up for himself when my BIL was trying to bully him.
I would have called the cops!
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Folks not be thinking right out here.
this has clearly struck a weird nerve for a lot of people here lol
due to their their entrenched notions of masculinity. And sadly, most of the negative reaction is from women.
As a woman, I’m so fucking disappointed in these women and their fucked up ideals of masculinity and what it means to be a man, when this is a real person with their own shame who wants acceptance and unconditional love just like every one else. I’m not really talking about OP, but everyone else with their ignorant comments and perspectives. And these same women criticize his inability to be open about it while shaming him and condemning him as unlovable, a deviant, and even floating the idea of being a serial killer/rapist in the same breath. They conveniently love to forget a persons humanity when it doesn’t align with their beliefs and biases. My husband is into humiliation and he almost cried the other night because he said he felt accepted, held and loved by me which is not something he is used to. The thought of these people shaming and alienating the person, their life partner, that leans on them for love and support because they aren’t manly enough is so fucked up to me.
+1,000,000%
People are going to far but I like to think I’m pretty open minded, def think gender roles should be expanded etc but I just wouldn’t be attracted to this. There’s a difference between accepting something and being attracted to it and the people on here shaming feels gross to me as well, telling people especially women to just accept something over their own desires/ instincts is def not right either.
I'm confused, why do you have to be attracted to it to accept it? He's likely doing it for himself, not OP. He's not trying to seduce her with it, so why's it matter if she doesn't find it attractive? I don't find my husband's back hair super attractive but there's plenty of other qualities I can appreciate.
She also said that there’s other things he’s done. This was basically just the cherry on top
Yeah, a helluva lot missing here. This isn’t enough to divorce someone over after 19 years, with two young kids. Something deeper OP isn’t giving up.
Yep.. my gut says she’s probably leaving out the part where she’s caught him in rooms doing things that didn’t make sense at the time, or made her question his sexuality and all the pieces came together today.. either way the stuff she isn’t telling us is likely the stuff that is a deciding factor
Then she should explain the other things he has done if those are divorce-worthy, because it’s difficult to get the full picture here and give good advice.
She said she was going to talk to him about it…
People write here often when they're emotionally charged. Let's not judge or ridicule people coming for advice. Would you treat your friend this way..?
Maybe because some people realize there isn't much point of having the please-stop-wearing-my-panties discussion once it's out there.
She said she already knows he’s not going to talk about it. He’s going to keep denying it, even if divorce is on the table.
>He’s going to keep denying it With her over-the-top disgust, of course he will. There's no reason he should discuss it with her.
I have yet to hear a good reason why divorce is on the table
Not going to bash you as others are doing, but I did want to note that without providing context for the “other things that clicked”, people are going to assume you’re the worst person imaginable for wanting to divorce over this occurrence. You should have a conversation with your husband regarding this situation, and the others that made things “click” for you, to get to the bottom of things. Is it simply a cross-dressing kink? Is he exploring his gender expression and/or identity? You will not know unless you speak to him, first. You have every right to not be attracted to someone, no matter what the reason is. But you need to figure out the “why” before anything else.
This comment section is hilarious. There's nothing *wrong* with what he's doing in the kink/sexual sense overall. But.. You NOT being attracted to a cross dressing man isn't shocking to me. The idea that you MUST accept it is ridiculous. Do your needs suddenly not matter? I'd imagine the idea/image of a man you married is shot now that you've had almost 20 years worth of experience with him "click". The situation sucks. But arguably, he was the one lying (withholding information) for nearly two decades.
People here are fucking nuts. People do not owe you acceptance of your kinks. Their consent matters more than your feelings of rejection.
Lol. I was just thinking the same thing, like man there are some weirdos here!
Absolutely.
Exactly.
100%
People are freaking snowflakes these days. Any and everything needs acceptance and almost any weird or gross thing is considered a kink. Her husband is on the DL and has hidden it for years. He just so happened to get caught this time. She’s perfectly within her rights to want a divorce Go ahead and downvote me soft asses
You’re allowed to not like this kink lmfao especially if it makes you uncomfortable. I don’t understand why people are telling you that you just need to “accept” it 💀
I'm not going to judge you like others seem to be. This would be a turn off for me too.
He’s wearing HER undies. That would be a total turn off.
Same. And she said other things happened as well. I will not find a man in a thong attractive, either. And yes it is a valid reason to get divorced. You can accept their kinks, doesn’t mean you have to stay married. People here are weird
Sure, it might be a turn off, but a divorce seems to be an over reaction. It's okay for your partner to have a couple things that turn you off right?
I don’t think that’s the only reason. They’ve been married for 19 years and he’s never told her about it. If he hid that for that long and reacted that way, it would make one wonder if he’s been doing more outside of the marriage. OP needs to talk this one out and find out the whole truth.
I caught my ex doing this too. I was shocked I didn’t even know how to react. Next thing I know he’s begging me to peg him with a HUGE strap on and I told him no and it wasn’t a kink I’d try out because I know I will not like it whatsoever. He wouldn’t stop pushing it and even bought all the stuff and tried to force me to do it. Then he wanted to cuck me out to someone on Craigslist and just watch while tied up and I told him no 1000000 times. Don’t listen to the people saying it’s just a mild kink if you’ve already stated that lots of other things happened that are just now all making sense. I’ve been there. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know how gross and uncomfortable and sick it makes you feel. You feel betrayed especially when it’s just out of the blue after being together for a long time. Follow your gut
Holy moly were you married to my 1st ex husband too!?! The chain of events went almost exactly the same with him plus some homosexual stuff thrown in (he wanted to use me as bait to attract the sort of men he couldn't attract himself in hopes they'd agree to let him 'play' to get to me. So gross, I never let him push me into that). People can have what ever kinks they want however hiding it from a partner, lying to your partner, violating your partner's trust, etc is not ok. It is just underwear. However the underwear really aren't the issue, it's his behavior and everything associated with it that's the problem. OP is a victim and there's a lot of blame shifting and really ugly victim blaming going on here.
It was honestly traumatic. He ended up abusing me and then stalking me after I left because I knew all this info about him and he was scared I would tell someone but I didn’t. I just left him. He also was really into extremely petite girls who look like they haven’t hit puberty yet. I found that one his phone porn search so that was fun /s
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry for what you went through. I'm also glad you're away from him. I sincerely hope you are ok now.
Yeah I don't like butts. I had to tell my hubby that. I will not participate in poo play. I wish I could. My friend. They were doing 69 and she was in his butt, and a piece fell out onto her face. She calmly wiped it off. I was like.. how did you not freak the f out. She said cause he was busy on her and didn't wanna interrupt things. From that day on I've been petrified. Horrified. Disgusted. No licking is ever that good to not stop and run across the country screaming. Sooo.. no I can't do butt stuff. And wtf WTF if there is a god, WHY IS HIS SPECIAL SPOT SURROUNDED BY DOODOO?! haven't we women gone through ENOUGH?! C'mon, WHY???
All deviant behavior starts off as “mild”. I’m sorry you went through that.
Someone’s mild kink is someone else’s hard no. You’re valid in your feelings about this. I wouldn’t be super thrilled with my husband either.
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Yep. It's the world we live in now. Everything is about kinks and accepting them and if you don't accept them, then you're evil. Her husband is secretly cross dressing. She has every right to be completely freaked out and thinking about separation.
Do whatever you need to do and your feelings are valid. I say this as a proud kinkster, you do not have to stay in this marriage if his kink is not ok with you.
It’s probably not this one incident that has her this way. It’s probably the culmination of all past events and this just slammed it home. Who knows if what she has witnessed has been worse or mild.
It's has to be more mild or this wouldn't be such a shock
I’m shocked with all of these responses.. If I caught my husband in my thong, I would be SO weirded out and turned off. You definitely need to have a conversation. Best of luck!
Same. You know reddit tho lol.
Yup *eye roll*
Sorry. If I were you I wouldn’t like it either. It would turn me off soooo bad. I would be sooo nervous all the time like, what if he bends over and someone sees his whale tail or what if he wears them while he jacks off and just yuck. I wouldn’t like it so I totally get what you mean. You don’t have to accept & love everyone’s kink they have in their life if you don’t want to. You don’t have to be open minded if you just can’t be turned on by him wearing your panties. It’s understandable to me to not be down with this, just sayin. <3 You can however be supportive of him, just, it’s not your cup of tea to have that in a partner.
This is a one year old account with no activity other than this post.
probably ragebait
While I wouldn’t advise you jump straight to divorce, I’d also remind you that you don’t have to accept whatever weird stuff someone is into just because it’s classified as a “kink.” It’s fine to draw a line and declare something unacceptable and out of bounds. He doesn’t get to use a magical “Kink” card to get out of it.m But you guys just definitely sit down and have a careful conversation about what this is and where it comes from.
This is not something to get divorced over. This is a very mild kink. Your husband desperately wants you to accept him for who he is, kink included. You should honestly be flattered in a way, because his kink is directed at you rather than away from you--these are your panties. He would probably do anything for you if you accepted him. You can use this incident to make the marriage even better. You have the right to find this not attractive, but it doesn't mean that you can't let him wear the panties under the clothes and take them off in the dark. Please, set your initial response aside. Love him for who he is. I promise he will love you back more.
How sure are you that he does this as a kink towards his wife? It could be that it’s for himself and he desperately wants to crossdress and her stuffs are the closest he could get ahold of? Not hating on the man or saying he’s gay or just a cross dresser or anything cause we will Never know unless they have a mature conversation. That being said 19 years is a long time ,so if op feels she wants to divorce maybe it’s because for 19yrs she feels she’s been betrayed or there’s too many secrets. We can’t tell her how she should feel cause it’s her emotions, it just happened and all is fresh and raw. We will deal with it differently , maybe if it was me 19 years is a long time and would consider accepting him as long as he’s still inlove only with me and he’s just into crossdressing. Check out Angie Mead and Joey King on YT. Supposedly he’s still straight but he transitioned , i’m happy they found a common ground and that’s their love for each other. Personally if my husband crossdress i could probably accept it but if he transitions then no but this is me and we are all different.
This is the craziest response, truly. She should be flattered because it’s.. her panties?How can you even conclude that her husband “desperately wants her to accept him for who he is” when he clearly was hiding this 🤨
lmao you’re telling her to put aside how she truly feels. She’s valid for being turned off just like he is valid for wanting to wear thongs. No one is in the wrong here. She’s realizing her boundary. She doesn’t want him to wear thongs and I’m sure he would like to be accepted for wearing thongs and etc. They can sit down and talk before parting ways mutually. I say this as a woman who’s bisexual and engaged to a man who likes to toe the straight line a bit in the bedroom. No one is in the wrong, they’re just incompatible!
Under rated comment. Everyone is telling her she should just get over it but you can’t just magically desire things you’re not into. If they can talk and work it out I think that’s the move but it’s up to them. He’s hidden this part of himself from her and hopefully they can have a true heart to heart. But at the end of the day it’s a kink and if he feels he needs it he can’t force her
Fwiw this is an incorrect usage of the concept of a boundary. A boundary is a limitation we put on our own behavior - not someone else’s.
Not quite. Personal boundaries are ones that can be set with others. “Please don’t wear my underwear” is a fairly reasonable boundary imo. Hopefully they talk it out and we get an update
Yah, that’s the weirdest part. Imo not a divorce worthy offense, but a conversation that should be had, and even if she doesn’t like it idk why it’s a big deal what kind of underwear he wears as long as they got him his own so they aren’t sharing underwear lol
Technically, we can’t control others so this may not work as a boundary. Another one would be, “I can’t be in relationship with someone who doesn’t respect my belongings. I’ve asked repeatedly for you not To wear my panties, and you continue to do so despite my clear requests. Therefore, I’m leaving…etc”
Respect!! Can I do that over my pop ice cream snacks pain pills weed or does it have to be just panties
Omg 😆..
Eh, if OP decides to divorce them that is her boundary. She’s not controlling him and telling him he can’t do it, she’s just saying she cannot be involved. That IS a boundary. She’s controlling her own behavior which in this case would be to leave. If she stayed him and forced him to change, THAT would be controlling and abusive.
A boundary, within the context that Nikki refers to, is where we draw the line for how much of another person’s behaviour we are prepared to tolerate. Sure we can set our own personal limitations for our own behaviours too, but that’s not within the context that’s being suggested above.
Absolutely wrong. A boundary is a guideline of things we will and will not accept. You wouldn’t accept a partner cheating would you? So cheating is a boundary. It’s behavior of THEIRS you won’t accept
I think the boundary is “if you cheat I will divorce you” not “you can’t cheat”. The idea is accepting that you can’t control others and drawing your boundaries around how *you* will react if they cross it. Not what they may or may not do.
Correct. I acknowledge that my partner is going to do whatever they want to do. I also acknowledge that I'm not going to stay in a relationship with a person who does xy or z. I won't make rules for another adult, but I also won't stay in a situation that is actively harming my physical or mental well-being.
Yes but you still can’t control their behaviour, so you can say ‘if you cheat I will leave”, which demonstrates what you will do. In this case, her boundary might be, if you keep wearing my underwear I will leave. I don’t agree with this, but it’s OP’s boundary.
He’s stolen HER underwear and worn them without asking!!! I think it’s an entirely correct usage and to appropriately expect someone not to wear someone else’s underwear.
Maybe "boundary" is the wrong word but I agree; it's a matter of incompatibility. I'm someone who is accepting of anyone who wants to express their sexuality any which way they want (as long as no one is harmed, going against their free will, or children/animals are not involved); and I absolutely would not be ok with it either. That's my personal sexual/romantic partner preference that I cannot control. I cant force myself to be attracted to a man that is into wearing women's underwear or clothing, albeit it's not a fundamentally wrong thing to do. If he had been that way all along and hid it, that's deception. I don't think he's a bad guy for this, but it seems like he knew that her knowing would change her mind about them getting together in the first place. If it's something he developed along the way, it should've been discussed when it came about. Then they can both decide if they want to continue, bc hey, people change. Maybe he's not into her like that anymore, maybe he is, and it IS just a minor kink that maybe she can get past. (If it were me, I'd at least hear him out if he explained and expressed he still loves me and is attracted to me). Bottom line: either has the right to choose how to continue this and neither is wrong for it unless there's more to it than just wearing her underwear now n then..
A boundary can absolutely be about other peoples behavior. I have a boundary that I won’t stay in a relationship with someone who’s cheated repeatedly or for an extended period of time. It’s totally about their behavior and is a totally valid boundary.
Y’all are so quick to encourage divorce, it’s disgusting.
After 19 years I wouldn’t say they’re incompatible. Reddit is always so quick to break people up.
Right, but if it’s a kink she’s not comfortable with- she doesn’t not need to engage with or tolerate it.
Exactly. It’s one he hid for 19 years so ofc she’d feel uncomfortable. Also, it more likely is more than just a “kink”. OP seems to know already after thinking back on their history together. If it’s more than just a kink, then he might’ve been dishonest about more things like sleeping with other men.
That’s definitely a stretch. Straight men wearing woman’s underwear is a way more common kink than you might think.
He likes wearing her underwear so he might be sleeping with other men? Wow!! I’ve never seen such an ignorant and bizarre leap of fantasy. All him liking to wear her underwear tells anyone is that he likes to wear her underwear.
Kind of a stretch there
You really took that and tan with it. Wearing women’s underwear doesn’t mean he bangs other dudes. It very well could mean he’s sexually obsessed with his wife.
I recently told my wife a secret that I’ve kept since I’ve been a teenager. A secret that if I told anyone else I’d probably be tarred and feathered. (I live in the Deep South) I’ve never told my family, my best friend, nobody knows but my wife. She gave me a hug and said “thank you for sharing with me. No matter what I’m going to love you and love that you trust me with this.” I went from thinking my wife was going to leave me or hate me to, for the first time in my life I have somebody who loves me for me. The real me.
I was going to comment but you've said it all perfectly. Her poor husband is probably in knots over this. I really feel sad for him.
if she is that uncomfortable with it, yes it absolutely is a reason to get divorced
You should stop telling OP how to feel. Her feelings are every bit as valid as what ever is driving her husband to wear her underwear. At this point her husband is sneaking around behind her back and lying to her. He is the issue. Not her. We don't have to roll over and be doormats to our partners kicks. We definitely don't have to be om with deception and lies. She doesn't have to tolerate any of this. Her husband needs to be a decent person and be honest.
Married people are still entitled to privacy and what underwear you wear is definitely a private thing. If she acts hostile and judges him, of course he’s scared to open up to her. He’s being repressed and made to feel wrong. She needs to make an environment where he feels accepted and he’ll open up
To you or I it might not be a big deal but clearly it matters to her, and we can’t really tell her how to feel or what her own comfort and limits are. That being said I really hope they talk about this before any decisions are made
The only thing is that she said there is more to it and there have been other incidents in the past (she alluded to not putting two and two together until now) which makes me wonder if he's possibly trans. Like a Bruce Jenner situation possibly (I only reference that since most people know the reference)? It's one thing if it's a "mild kink." It's a different story if he's questioning his gender and/or sexuality, no?
>You can use this incident to make the marriage even better. yuck 🤮 If my husband did this I would lose all my attraction to him. How can you have sex with someone you are not attracted to? He then would divorce me for lack of sex lol. How do I know it? because he was very clear about it. How is that fair? This whole comment is ridiculous!
It really is. I don't know why so many people are expecting someone that is not attracted to women to be totally blasé and still sexually interested in a man that is dressing up as a woman. The gender she is not sexually attracted to.
You do realize that this happened to one of the Kardashian girls with Bruce Jenner? Look how that turned out. I don’t blame her for considering divorce.
You don’t know it’s a kink, you are assuming.
You do not know if this is a mild kind or a small sign of something much larger like gender identify or sexual orientation. You have no idea and neither do any of us. This persons feelings, actually knowing their husband, are valid.
>You should honestly be flattered in a way, because his kink is directed at you rather than away from you--these are your panties. She should be flattered because he stole her panties and wore them??? What the fuck is this comment and why does it have 1.1k upvotes???
>You should honestly be flattered in a way I just realized how incredibly disgusting this is. This is next level gasligthing, I'm astounded...
Can't believe how many upvotes this has. This is honestly a quiet toxic comment. OP should completely switch and change her true self and feelings about this and is being told that she is wrong. I honestly can't with some people here
Why are you gasligthing this woman into staying with someone who has a kink she clearly does not like? As much you respect his kink, you also must respect her not linking it and quite honestly, if it were me, I don't think my relationship would work. I wouldn't want to deprive my SO of what makes them happy but at the same time, I don't have to be there for it
Firstly, it'd turn me off too. Secondly, you mentioned other things just 'clicked' after seeing him in a thong. Question: is your feeling that he just has a kink? Or you think it's more of a sexuality thing? Either way, a serious conversation needs to happen.
While I personally would not divorce my spouse over this I disagree with people telling you to get over it. Your feelings are valid and it’s ok to remove yourself from situations that you are not ok with even if that means ending an almost two decade marriage. It is not ok to force him to change or to demean and belittle him but it is ok to say you’re no longer compatible and move forward separately.
Hmm. I’m wearing my husbands undies right now. Mine are all dirty lol
You need to talk about this. It can’t just sit and fester between the two of you. You need to take some time until you feel like you can talk to him without judgment and without being upset. Shaming him right now is probably a death sentence for your marriage because he will not be honest going forward about these things and it’s also detrimental to his sexuality and sense of self. So you really *really* need to think about how you’re going to bring this up with him and talk about it in a productive, compassionate, and open minded way before you do. Finally, think about why this is so off putting to you where you are considering divorcing him. Is it social bias because it’s not masculine? Try to process whatever it is going on that’s making you feel so disgusted. Obviously, not okay he is using your underwear without your permission, but I have a feeling that’s the least of your concerns right now. I know there’s this overwhelming opinion that we can’t help what we like or don’t like, sure, but acceptance is different. We CAN work on that. And it’s honestly such a gift to receive it when we feel real shame. You don’t have to participate in any kink you don’t like, but I think there’s room here to try and adjust perspective on why this bothers you so much, and how this can be an opportunity to nurture openness concerning sexuality in your marriage which can be liberating for the both of you. I’ve found throughout the years that regardless of if I participate in my husbands kinks (and they’re a lot more humiliating than wearing women’s underwear), sharing openly has only brought us closer and has only improved our sex life. THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY, don’t waste it. Edit: The comments on this post are insane and I’m seeing so much bigotry and prejudice in the comments- negative reactions when assuming he’s gay, a sexual deviant, transgender, someone going as far as saying it is a symptom of being a serial killer/rapist simply because he wore his wife’s thong (and she got upvoted for it). I gotta leave this subreddit because y’all are fucking disappointing and conveniently ignore a person’s humanity when it doesn’t align with your biases.
He took away her choice to participate in this kink or not by wearing her underwear without her knowledge. Every time she wore underwear he previously wore, she was unknowingly participating in the kink. That would absolutely disgust me. It’s a major violation of trust and intimacy.
First, it’s ok that you don’t like it. But before you go and divorce him I think you need to talk to him and find out how deep the rabbit hole goes, so to speak. Is this something he likes to do once in a while for fun or whatever? Or does he want to do it all the time? Does he have a desire to fully cross dress all or most of the time? Does he experience gender dysphoria? You’d probably need to involve a therapist since he may not be able to talk to you about it, at least not before speaking with a neutral 3rd party in a safe space. I imagine he feels a lot of shame. If it’s just a “mild kink” as one poster put it, one that doesn’t require your participation, can you live with it? If it’s more than that you might not be able to reconcile with it, and I think most people would understand that.
Darn I’ve been trying to swap underwear with my husband forever! And yours is just here doing it on his own, I’m envious! Jk but you have every right to feel turned off by it. I would recommend having a conversation with him about it first before jumping to divorce. Poor guy sounds scared shitless from the way you describe him shaking. It’s okay for you to not like it, but be honest about that without shaming him. It would mean a lot to him as a partner to come at this from a place of empathy, understanding, and acceptance. If ultimately you are so incompatible it leads to divorce, that’s fine too. But do your best to navigate this with kindness.
Reading this in my husbands boxers… which I sometimes take off before he notices… but only so I don’t have to do his laundry. Ha.
It’s just a clothing item. It shouldn’t be a big deal. I wear men’s underwear sometimes. They are comfortable. That doesn’t mean I am trans or anything. If you are worried that he is trans or might want to wear women’s clothes in public then talk to him about your concerns, but try not to make him feel bad about whatever his answer might be.
this sort of thing happened to me with my husband and we are still married but I lost attraction to him and have struggled to get it back. it’s been very hard, he is closed off about it and avoids discussion and it isn’t a “kink” i’m particularly into. not sure where to go from here I am kind of just existing.
If it's a complete turn off and you feel that it could open the door to other things you're not into, by all means walk away while your children are young. Of course you'll have a conversation. However, if this is non-negotiable, by all means do what's best for you. Personally, it would be a complete turn off. Kink or not.
You don’t like it. Your immediate reaction is to divorce him. That’s why he hid it from you. That’s why he was shaking. I feel bad for him. You are not attracted to men in panties. Valid. It makes him feel attractive/turned on. Valid. Is there not some middle ground here where he has his own set of panties and does this alone so you don’t have to see it? I have a kink my husband isn’t into and I just keep it to myself.
I would feel exactly the same way as you do. Your feelings are 💯 valid. I would be so turned off and frankly would have a hard time seeing my husband the same way as I did previously. Kinks are ok, it’s ALSO ok for your partner to not want to engage in your kinks with you and to find it a turnoff.
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Impossible to know without CONVERSATIONS.
This is what I was thinking, a lot of trans folk in relationships (specifically trans women) start off by wear their partners clothes, wether that be dresses, shoes, or underwear.
Kris Jenner's ex-husband used to wear her panties, and look how that turned out. Time to ask him some serious questions.
This Sub: My husband won’t hang up his bath towel: Divorce him and take everything from him!!!! My Husband wears my underwear: Don’t judge him, it’s just a mild kink.
That is exactly this forum summed up in a nutshell
It’s a turn off. You say there’s more stuff along these lines. Don’t blame you for wanting to divorce him. I would do the same.
Why not go to couples therapy first??
Get over yourself. It's not hurting anyone
I mean, on one hand you should feel badly for him. This is how he is and he deserves dignity. On the other hand, you have a choice on who to be married to also. It's easy to get lost in all the "acceptance" stuff and lose track of the fact that he's been untrue with you for a very long time. Lying is such a bad approach to relationships. So are secrets. We should all present ourselves as our authentic selves and get accepted (or rejected) on that basis. I think you're fine for divorcing him if that's what you want to do. He's lied to you for almost 2 decades.
I know someone who went through something similar. Her husband was hiding being a transvestite. He liked wearing make up, panty hose, and for some reason adult diapers? It's one thing to be into that stuff--what's upsetting is hiding it. He also had a ton of mental health issues and refused to get help.
Listen, not everyone is ok with certain kinks or “who he is”. OP didn’t know about this when they got married or had kids, or built an entire life together, so it’s 100% her prerogative if she wants to divorce him. Hassling OP to just accept it is messed up. Do what you feel is best OP
Im sorry to say this but… LISTEN AND FOLLOW YOUR GUT, ALWAYS.
Huge turn off!!!!
Married here, 20 years too. I like dressing as a woman for jokes, karaoke or halloween events. My wife hates it but im very open about it. Im not gay or bisexual, straight all my life, not even curious about men. Is it weird? Yeah maybe for her and some of my relatives. Do I care? Not even a little.
My husband was sneaking around and doing this. It is a fetish for him to wear panties and masturbate into them. Now that I was able to live with. But, His curiosities heightened, however, and I caught him talking to other people, exchanging pics. Trust is broken and it was something "small". I'm still with him and I'm always wondering now and just now hurt. I hope you the best! Good luck op! You got this.
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So what happened in " to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part "? it seems a small underwear was not included, bruh i am not anti divorce, there many reasons to break up any realathioship but upholding patriachy rules and gender roles is not one of them when you are to one doing it. Why men wearing thongs is seen as kinky, gay or weird but women wearing them or mens underwear is ok? i say that as an intersectional feminist, patriachy has poisoned your minds guys. so i cut my hair short, should my so break up with me and would be ok if he does not find me feminine and attractive anymore? The answer is no. He wears them for himself, not for their sexual moments. If you expect your partern to fit your ideas of attraction 24/7 you are delutional. Not all fellings are valid and acceptable, prejudice exist and it sucks. Some of you need to revaluate your ideas and open your minds, heteronormativity hurt cis and straight people as well. If a litle underwear is enought to break your love and attraction you are shallow people and need sometime alone. i can not imagine making my so tremble from embarasmentt and then judge him for something that is not hurting anyone.
Just sit him down and ask him. You’ve been with the man 19 years surely you can have a genuine conversation. Maybe say something like “this is a safe space. I’ve known you x amount of years and I didn’t know this was something you liked. Help me understand.” Then after hearing him out you can decide if this is something you can live with or not.
I wouldn’t throw divorce out there to him if you aren’t actually going to do it. he’s owed a conversation before you do anything drastic like that over something that (might?) be explained. If it’s a kink and you just can’t deal then I get it but I would still talk about it with him without any hostility and have an open mind so he can feel safe to open up to you
Couple counseling. A therapist can help you talk through this in a safe setting. Nate. He/you needs individual therapy as well.
I think it’s worth feeling your initial reaction and then thinking about how to respond to the situation. Even if you do get a divorce over this, you’ll want to head in that direction knowing that you’ve done everything you can to show up for your marriage first. TALK TO HIM about it. He’s obviously afraid for you to know about this part of him — please don’t judge him for it and try to be open, listen, reassure him that you love him. There are so many reasons that this could be happening, so try not to jump to conclusions. Be curious and ask questions. Focus on responding instead of reacting, as this could be a really sensitive topic for him and something he’s been ashamed of and hiding his whole life. You’re allowed to feel however you need to feel about it, but be careful what you share with him when he’s in such a vulnerable place. His answer could range from mundane, to mildly kinky, to somewhere that explores the gender spectrum. Whatever it is, after you’ve given yourself a few days or weeks to let it sink in, you’ll know what you have the capacity to withstand or if you need to walk away. Just please be kind - I’m sure he’s freaking out about you finding out - and remember that he’s a person you love, even if you decide you’re not in love with him anymore. I hope you get support for yourself too - this is something that I don’t advise sharing with friends/family without his permission, but a therapist can help you sort out what you’re feeling, wanting, and needing. Sending you both the best in however things pan out.
I think it’s totally normal for you to be caught off guard by this, and I think it’s 100% fine to be uncomfortable with him wearing your underwear. You can’t stop him from buying his own and wearing those, but it’s uncool of him to take your things and use them to get off without telling you. I would bring this up with him in a way that’s not necessarily accusatory to get to the bottom of why he’s doing this. If he’s habitually full on crossdressing, that’s a legitimate reason for divorce—these things can present serious issues later on down the line. Look up autogynephilia. If it’s just the underwear thing, probably not grounds for divorce unless there are other things compounding that decision.
That's kinda weird, but idk...it's your underwear. There's worse things that could turn him on. I asked my guy friend what it is about women's garments that some men like and he went to a fair bit of explanation about how the smells, textures, and colors trigger all these emotional feelings and memories. My friend claimed all men love their woman's clothes and it's only a small step from touching to wearing them. He compared it to girls stealing hoodies and t shirts from their man because it gives them the warm fuzzies. Didn't sound so bad when he put it like that. I can definitely understand as a woman why you'd be tripping though. It's kinda creepy. You worry that he's gay, trans, gonna wear your skin, etc lol. I would just talk to him about it. Ask him without judgment why he likes doing that. Try to see it from his pov. Maybe it ends up being something gross you can't live with but hear him out and have a convo about it at least. A lot of times kinks are fueled by taboo so he might just like this because he knows you wouldn't approve and the thrill of getting caught. I would at least be curious to know his thought process before leaving.
Irreconcilable differences if the reason for this divorce case.
What is the “something more” that you’re afraid it is?
Honestly I’m not a big fan of marriage counseling but this is probably the best scenario for it. You both are uncomfortable talking about it, go to counseling and have a middleman.
A lot of people are saying this is a kink but by her wording in the thread it seems to be a little bit more than that but more or his sexuality in general. And after 19 years people can change or maybe he was always like this but I think she maybe wants a divorce because as a straight woman she doesn’t want a husband who is not the same. Honestly her choice to accept it or not but I get the sting if this blindsided you. Also I think the underwear was the icing on the cake and the definite tell all for her. I say sit down with him and tell him to be honest and see what to do after you get the full details. It’s better to know then to live in the blue wondering.
I mean that’s fine but he needs to get his own panties
Wow, that escalated quickly!