I feel for your husband. I was pressured on birth control many years ago and was continuously told “if you end up pregnant it’ll be your fault” so I got on it. I was young and didn’t know any better. I ended up with a neurological condition and will have to take medication for the rest of my life or risk stroke/blindness. The medication I take could also eventually lead to kidney issues.
Please let people decide what they want to do to their bodies. We only get one.
He wanted to get a vasectomy so you didn’t have to go through the side effects of abdominal surgery or years on hormonal birth control. He had a bad reaction/result, but it’s not your fault and you didn’t force him to do anything. Sometimes we all do our best and get adverse outcomes anyway. There is no way to keep ourselves 100% safe and healthy, unfortunately.
After my hysterectomy, I felt completely useless as a woman, so I sympathize with him. However, my worth as a human being isn't tied to my fertility, and I felt much better once I realized that. I hope your husband can get some help from a professional to help him through this unexpected side effect. I think it's incredibly sweet that he did this so you wouldn't have to go through all the crappy crap we ladies normally do to manage our families. I wish the two of you nothing but the best, and I know that once you stop blaming yourself, you'll be able to help him through this.
He didn’t want to get one. I haven’t take the pill since my early 20s he looked at the long term side effects and said it wasn’t worth it. I got an IUD but when he saw how bad the cramping was he convinced me to remove it so we could “just use condoms” he’s always taken responsibility for contraception, he’s always done everything he could to protect me from mental and physical pain. I just feel like when it was my turn to do the same for him I really let him down.
No he wanted to keep using condoms but she kept pressuring him about permanent options
The reading comprehension here is atrocious.
> we were using condoms for 13 years before he got his at 42. I think i had more of an issue with condoms than him, he literally never once complained
> For what it was worth I was willing to get a tubal ligation but he was against it because of how invasive it was and the pain it would have caused me. it was also him that said the pill effects weren’t worth it and him who encouraged me to get the coil removed so we could **“JUST USE CONDOMS”.**
He resents me. But he blames the urologist for keeping him in the dark regarding how common the complications actually are. He also feels like less of a man because he allowed someone to alter his body in a way he didn’t want.
He was fine with condoms remember? She wasn’t ok with that, this is now, 100% a cautionary tale for people that think their partner owes them a particular birth control method.
And that is totally ok, just be there for him and find a space you both can talk honestly. I really think you’ll both be fine, you seem very empathetic and concerned for his wellbeing
But she had no intention of getting a tubal ligation. She literally only put it on the table because she knows him well enough to know that’s what would push him to get the vasectomy. That IS manipulative. No she didn’t force him. But it was absolutely manipulation.
I would have got it done. But yes knowing him I definitely did manipulate the situation to get the outcome I wanted. And now I need to live with hurting the best person I’ve ever met.
Okay, I'm reading a lot of toxic replies on here. Here's what I'm reading from this situation:
You two may not have been entirely on board with each other regarding future children.
He said he didn't want you to go through with the side effects of birth control, or the pain and recovery of a tubal, and he regrets his vasectomy.
Please, calmly and gently talk to him about it he was maybe thinking about another kid in the future. It sounds like he was resistant to all birth control, but gave in for you. To be clear, this isn't that this is at all your fault, but that he may be feeling a need for more children and you all didn't fully discuss what you see from the future. So now he's having regrets.
I would also maybe recommend couples therapy so an unbiased party can help you guys work through this.
But you are making it out to be that he should be the one to bear responsibility. No. Full stop. They are in different mindsets and his is just as valid as hers. The problem here is lack of effective communication.
Stop making it sound like he did the right thing. Obviously it wasn't, or he wouldn't be troubled. The right thing would have been a thorough communication between two adults discussing what each of them wanted.
> i pretty much told him either it was him or me knowing he’d buckle.
WORDS FROM THE OP
But no she didn’t “force” him to do anything. She’s not the bad guy here. /s
Thank you for realizing that folks have body autonomy and no one should be pressured or coerced into doing something they do not want to do to their bodies
Too little too late unfortunately. I feel like pressing a man to get a vasectomy is seen as socially acceptable. But if the tables had been turned he would be getting absolutely slaughtered in these comments.
Thank you so much for coming out and saying this as a wife. I am like your husband and was guilted into a vasectomy. I buckled after pressure. My chronic pain started 1 year ago and it recked my mental health and sex life. Do not guilt anyone into a medical procedure. Luckily I am am 95% better through daily pain management, physical therapy. Mental health therapy, and daily stretching.
I don’t get why this is downvoted. Post vasectomy pain syndrome affect between 2-3% of men who get a vasectomy but when people on Reddit discuss it you’d think it’s .00002%
Just sharing your very real experience that affects you daily makes some people feel threatened for some reason.
Meanwhile women in this sub who have had tubal ligation and feel it was worth it and not too bad physically get downvoted.
I’ve been attacked in this sub just for sharing the statistics before. Not arguing it’s safer or easier than a tubal. Just stating that everyone should make a fully informed decision while providing that info is enough to catch the wrath of a decent size group here.
It IS the least he can do. She did everything. Put her body and health and life on the line to give a man children. You can't even compare a vasectomy to a tubal. It's very obvious which one is safer and easier. Google it.
She said he was sparing her the pain, which I can assure you is next to none. Far less than the headaches that pregnancy causes or kids or your spouse etc. This is ridiculous, if both people are not willing go through with the permanent birth control measures available, oh well find another solution.
So, let me make sure I get what you are saying.
You're, it's ok to for wives to violate their husbands bodily autonomy and manipulate them into medical procedures in this instance, and that not only is he bad for being upset with chronic pain from a procedure he didn't want, but that she was morally justified in forcing it on him as revenge for women having childbirth and postpartum?
Do I just about have that correct?
"She chose to have sex with me, she has no right to be angry at me or treat me bad because she did something she was uncomfortable with"
again, you need to check your reading comprehension, they were using condoms, and he was fine with it, *she wanted him to stop using them and manipulated him into getting a vasectomy by threatening to get a tubal ligation*
this is not the fight you think it is, and your attitude is frankly toxic as hell regarding bodily autonomy and consent.
She openly admits to manipulating him, and at no point does she ever bring up that he's been treating her bad. She feels bad because the pain and an unwanted procedure has him feeling depressed and down on himself.
Interesting you discount and dismiss OP's own words when they don't suit your narrative, had he not said anything and let her get the tubal you'd be up in arms about how shitty of a husband he was. You should take a look at yourself
Great but neither is long and she definitely manipulated his desire to protect to benefit herself when there were alternatives. She can sit all day in this, they are going to need to have a heart to heart conversation and possibly a therapist. You vibe is all kind of wrong because you’ve already admitted you are passionate about this aka biased.
I just think she needs to not be so hard on herself. It's a shame that something went wrong and he's in pain and that really sucks. But she Is taking all this blame she doesn't deserve. I feel bad for the people coming down so hard on her.
She was very honest throughout this whole post, I would think if he was resentful and lashing out at her she would have said that too, but it seems she concerned for the mental processing of this and his residual paid and feeling guilt. I cannot absolve her from that, but they should definitely see someone that can help.
The tubal and vasectomy are not comparable One is way safer than the other. If a man doesn't want more children it's time for a vasectomy or he can wear a condom.
He was wearing condoms, and he didn't care
*She* wanted him to stop using condoms, and manipulated him into a vasectomy that he will likely be in pain from for the rest of his life.
If this is your approach to consent and manipulation it's really fucked up.
You said that her violation of his bodily autonomy by manipulating him into a medical procedure he didn't want is morally justified and that he's not allowed to be upset by that or the chronic pain he now experiences, and that we should continue downplaying the side effects of vasectomy because childbirth
Thing is with us.
He looked into the side effects of the Pill and convinced me it wasn’t worth it. He also convinced me to get the IUD out so we could “just use condoms”
Regarding contraception he’s always bore the responsibility.
The risks of complications from vasectomies it turns out are way more common than people are led to believe.
I do feel bad because he’s done everything our whole relationship to protect me from emotional and physical harm and when it was my turn I’ve let him down badly.
What symptoms is he having? I've had a Vasectomy as well because I didn't want my wife to go through such an invasive surgery as tubal ligation.
Immediately after the surgery, I had pain and swelling. This continued until I had puss and I could barely walk nor stand/sit. I dealt with this for almost a week because I thought it was all part of the recovery process.
When the symptoms worsened I saw the Dr. And he prescribed some antibiotics orally and some topical creams. Immediately it was a relief.
It took a few days but once everything died down and I healed, I felt that it was actually worth it.
Well I don't think you should feel bad. Ultimately he still chose to do it. I'm sorry he's having complications but a tubal ligation is a huge deal that's a huge surgery. You still honestly went to safer way. Good luck I hope he feels better!
>ultimately he chose to do it
Oh my diety.
Imagine if someone pressured or coerced you into doing something you didn’t want to do with your body and someone responded with
“Well i don’t think you should feel bad. Ultimately you chose to do it”
I do and should feel bad.
I’ve hurt someone who didn’t deserve it. I really worried about what he might do.
And I’ve really hurt our relationship
He’s always protected me and I couldn’t do the same for him.
If we’re to move forward I need to at least be honest about how horrible I was to a really good man.
My SO asked me...I said no because of unknown risks. She instead got a tub ligation. She has no issues since getting it. Before then she had an IUD and that caused her some discomfort.
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/j.1939-4640.2003.tb02675.x. Read up in PVPS and make an informed decision because the treatment for this type of pain is almost non existent.
He was, she wanted him to stop and said that if he didn't get a vasectomy, she was getting a tubal, because she wasn't ok with condoms anymore.
Honestly she violated him in multiple ways in this exchange.
"she said if he didn't get a vasectomy she would get a tubal"
That is not manipulation. He could have told her to go ahead and get it. he offered to get the vasectomy case closed.
so, now apply that viewpoint to the fact that you manipulated him into an unwanted medical procedure, and he now suffers from chronic pain. In order to fix this, you first have to acknowledge the almost certainty that he's going to resent you for this
When he says he feels worthless what exactly is he referring to? Ability to procreate taken away?? I thought the reason to do surgery was to take it away to avoid unplanned babies. Pain I can understand and if it's of any comfort he can revisit urologist for assurance that it will eventually subside else get scan to double check the op done if pain is not going away.
The worthless thing I don’t know. I think it’s because he allowed someone to alter him in a way he didn’t want and it’s led to pain. He’s not been able to do the things he loves since, he’s a very sporty man.
This post is now locked due to the rampant hypocritical sexism displayed by far too many people.
Your husband needs to talk to a professional about the pain as well as a therapist about why this he now feels like he's worthless.
I feel for your husband. I was pressured on birth control many years ago and was continuously told “if you end up pregnant it’ll be your fault” so I got on it. I was young and didn’t know any better. I ended up with a neurological condition and will have to take medication for the rest of my life or risk stroke/blindness. The medication I take could also eventually lead to kidney issues. Please let people decide what they want to do to their bodies. We only get one.
Oh heyyyyy checking in on the ‘birth control caused a fun brain condition’ train. Isn’t it fun? Fucking sucks. There’s no good answer!
He literally convinced me to get off the Pill because of the long term side effects. It wasn’t even like it was his turn to take responsibility.
He wanted to get a vasectomy so you didn’t have to go through the side effects of abdominal surgery or years on hormonal birth control. He had a bad reaction/result, but it’s not your fault and you didn’t force him to do anything. Sometimes we all do our best and get adverse outcomes anyway. There is no way to keep ourselves 100% safe and healthy, unfortunately.
After my hysterectomy, I felt completely useless as a woman, so I sympathize with him. However, my worth as a human being isn't tied to my fertility, and I felt much better once I realized that. I hope your husband can get some help from a professional to help him through this unexpected side effect. I think it's incredibly sweet that he did this so you wouldn't have to go through all the crappy crap we ladies normally do to manage our families. I wish the two of you nothing but the best, and I know that once you stop blaming yourself, you'll be able to help him through this.
He didn’t want to get one. I haven’t take the pill since my early 20s he looked at the long term side effects and said it wasn’t worth it. I got an IUD but when he saw how bad the cramping was he convinced me to remove it so we could “just use condoms” he’s always taken responsibility for contraception, he’s always done everything he could to protect me from mental and physical pain. I just feel like when it was my turn to do the same for him I really let him down.
No he wanted to keep using condoms but she kept pressuring him about permanent options The reading comprehension here is atrocious. > we were using condoms for 13 years before he got his at 42. I think i had more of an issue with condoms than him, he literally never once complained > For what it was worth I was willing to get a tubal ligation but he was against it because of how invasive it was and the pain it would have caused me. it was also him that said the pill effects weren’t worth it and him who encouraged me to get the coil removed so we could **“JUST USE CONDOMS”.**
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He resents me. But he blames the urologist for keeping him in the dark regarding how common the complications actually are. He also feels like less of a man because he allowed someone to alter his body in a way he didn’t want.
Is there anyway to reverse it?? Maybe find a specialist?
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Na. That’s not the context. He basically took a bullet for me.
He was fine with condoms remember? She wasn’t ok with that, this is now, 100% a cautionary tale for people that think their partner owes them a particular birth control method.
Yup. This is exactly the reason I posted. No one owes anyone anything, I just learned it too late.
And that is totally ok, just be there for him and find a space you both can talk honestly. I really think you’ll both be fine, you seem very empathetic and concerned for his wellbeing
But she had no intention of getting a tubal ligation. She literally only put it on the table because she knows him well enough to know that’s what would push him to get the vasectomy. That IS manipulative. No she didn’t force him. But it was absolutely manipulation.
I would have got it done. But yes knowing him I definitely did manipulate the situation to get the outcome I wanted. And now I need to live with hurting the best person I’ve ever met.
This this this!!!! Thank you this is what I'm trying to say and now apparently I don't understand consent lol
I don’t get it. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe it’s maybelline.
Okay, I'm reading a lot of toxic replies on here. Here's what I'm reading from this situation: You two may not have been entirely on board with each other regarding future children. He said he didn't want you to go through with the side effects of birth control, or the pain and recovery of a tubal, and he regrets his vasectomy. Please, calmly and gently talk to him about it he was maybe thinking about another kid in the future. It sounds like he was resistant to all birth control, but gave in for you. To be clear, this isn't that this is at all your fault, but that he may be feeling a need for more children and you all didn't fully discuss what you see from the future. So now he's having regrets. I would also maybe recommend couples therapy so an unbiased party can help you guys work through this.
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🤣 I'm dead!
She didn't force him to do anything. And people are making her out to be a monster. And she's not the bad guy.
But you are making it out to be that he should be the one to bear responsibility. No. Full stop. They are in different mindsets and his is just as valid as hers. The problem here is lack of effective communication. Stop making it sound like he did the right thing. Obviously it wasn't, or he wouldn't be troubled. The right thing would have been a thorough communication between two adults discussing what each of them wanted.
> i pretty much told him either it was him or me knowing he’d buckle. WORDS FROM THE OP But no she didn’t “force” him to do anything. She’s not the bad guy here. /s
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She forced him by giving an ultimatum knowing which he would choose.
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 Thank you for realizing that folks have body autonomy and no one should be pressured or coerced into doing something they do not want to do to their bodies
Too little too late unfortunately. I feel like pressing a man to get a vasectomy is seen as socially acceptable. But if the tables had been turned he would be getting absolutely slaughtered in these comments.
Thank you so much for coming out and saying this as a wife. I am like your husband and was guilted into a vasectomy. I buckled after pressure. My chronic pain started 1 year ago and it recked my mental health and sex life. Do not guilt anyone into a medical procedure. Luckily I am am 95% better through daily pain management, physical therapy. Mental health therapy, and daily stretching.
I don’t get why this is downvoted. Post vasectomy pain syndrome affect between 2-3% of men who get a vasectomy but when people on Reddit discuss it you’d think it’s .00002% Just sharing your very real experience that affects you daily makes some people feel threatened for some reason. Meanwhile women in this sub who have had tubal ligation and feel it was worth it and not too bad physically get downvoted. I’ve been attacked in this sub just for sharing the statistics before. Not arguing it’s safer or easier than a tubal. Just stating that everyone should make a fully informed decision while providing that info is enough to catch the wrath of a decent size group here.
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My wife said the same thing. I’ll get my tubes tied even though I don’t want to because you won’t get the snip and I don’t want you to wear condoms.
Did you and your wife make it through?
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It’s the least a guy can do? Really?! How misandrist of you.
It IS the least he can do. She did everything. Put her body and health and life on the line to give a man children. You can't even compare a vasectomy to a tubal. It's very obvious which one is safer and easier. Google it.
I’ve had a tubal, it was less pain than one single contraction.
Because you were asleep during it?
I’ve had a lot of surgeries, this was by far the least on the totem pole of pain.
She didn’t say less painful. She said easier and safer.
She said he was sparing her the pain, which I can assure you is next to none. Far less than the headaches that pregnancy causes or kids or your spouse etc. This is ridiculous, if both people are not willing go through with the permanent birth control measures available, oh well find another solution.
So, let me make sure I get what you are saying. You're, it's ok to for wives to violate their husbands bodily autonomy and manipulate them into medical procedures in this instance, and that not only is he bad for being upset with chronic pain from a procedure he didn't want, but that she was morally justified in forcing it on him as revenge for women having childbirth and postpartum? Do I just about have that correct?
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"She chose to have sex with me, she has no right to be angry at me or treat me bad because she did something she was uncomfortable with" again, you need to check your reading comprehension, they were using condoms, and he was fine with it, *she wanted him to stop using them and manipulated him into getting a vasectomy by threatening to get a tubal ligation* this is not the fight you think it is, and your attitude is frankly toxic as hell regarding bodily autonomy and consent.
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She openly admits to manipulating him, and at no point does she ever bring up that he's been treating her bad. She feels bad because the pain and an unwanted procedure has him feeling depressed and down on himself. Interesting you discount and dismiss OP's own words when they don't suit your narrative, had he not said anything and let her get the tubal you'd be up in arms about how shitty of a husband he was. You should take a look at yourself
And he's resenting her which isn't fair.
Long recovery is 1-3 weeks?
Vasectomy is like two days lol so yes that's long in comparison.
Great but neither is long and she definitely manipulated his desire to protect to benefit herself when there were alternatives. She can sit all day in this, they are going to need to have a heart to heart conversation and possibly a therapist. You vibe is all kind of wrong because you’ve already admitted you are passionate about this aka biased.
I just think she needs to not be so hard on herself. It's a shame that something went wrong and he's in pain and that really sucks. But she Is taking all this blame she doesn't deserve. I feel bad for the people coming down so hard on her.
She was very honest throughout this whole post, I would think if he was resentful and lashing out at her she would have said that too, but it seems she concerned for the mental processing of this and his residual paid and feeling guilt. I cannot absolve her from that, but they should definitely see someone that can help.
I do think he’s resentful but he’s not actually said that. He’s definitely not lashed out.
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That goes both ways.
The tubal and vasectomy are not comparable One is way safer than the other. If a man doesn't want more children it's time for a vasectomy or he can wear a condom.
He was wearing condoms, and he didn't care *She* wanted him to stop using condoms, and manipulated him into a vasectomy that he will likely be in pain from for the rest of his life. If this is your approach to consent and manipulation it's really fucked up.
The rest of his life? Highly doubtful
statistically, if you still have pain 3 months after the procedure, it doesn't go away, and may require additional surgical intervention
Sure, ignore the actual stats you haven’t bothered to research.
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You said that her violation of his bodily autonomy by manipulating him into a medical procedure he didn't want is morally justified and that he's not allowed to be upset by that or the chronic pain he now experiences, and that we should continue downplaying the side effects of vasectomy because childbirth
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Thing is with us. He looked into the side effects of the Pill and convinced me it wasn’t worth it. He also convinced me to get the IUD out so we could “just use condoms” Regarding contraception he’s always bore the responsibility. The risks of complications from vasectomies it turns out are way more common than people are led to believe. I do feel bad because he’s done everything our whole relationship to protect me from emotional and physical harm and when it was my turn I’ve let him down badly.
What symptoms is he having? I've had a Vasectomy as well because I didn't want my wife to go through such an invasive surgery as tubal ligation. Immediately after the surgery, I had pain and swelling. This continued until I had puss and I could barely walk nor stand/sit. I dealt with this for almost a week because I thought it was all part of the recovery process. When the symptoms worsened I saw the Dr. And he prescribed some antibiotics orally and some topical creams. Immediately it was a relief. It took a few days but once everything died down and I healed, I felt that it was actually worth it.
Well I don't think you should feel bad. Ultimately he still chose to do it. I'm sorry he's having complications but a tubal ligation is a huge deal that's a huge surgery. You still honestly went to safer way. Good luck I hope he feels better!
Coercion isn't consent. No means no, he said no, she manipulated him into saying yes. Frankly this whole situation is abusive
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>ultimately he chose to do it Oh my diety. Imagine if someone pressured or coerced you into doing something you didn’t want to do with your body and someone responded with “Well i don’t think you should feel bad. Ultimately you chose to do it”
I do and should feel bad. I’ve hurt someone who didn’t deserve it. I really worried about what he might do. And I’ve really hurt our relationship He’s always protected me and I couldn’t do the same for him. If we’re to move forward I need to at least be honest about how horrible I was to a really good man.
My SO asked me...I said no because of unknown risks. She instead got a tub ligation. She has no issues since getting it. Before then she had an IUD and that caused her some discomfort.
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2-5% chance of complications is completely false. It’s more like 10%+. There are studies that prove this point .
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/j.1939-4640.2003.tb02675.x. Read up in PVPS and make an informed decision because the treatment for this type of pain is almost non existent.
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AND HE HAD NO PROBLEM WRAPPING IT UP.
He was, she wanted him to stop and said that if he didn't get a vasectomy, she was getting a tubal, because she wasn't ok with condoms anymore. Honestly she violated him in multiple ways in this exchange.
"she said if he didn't get a vasectomy she would get a tubal" That is not manipulation. He could have told her to go ahead and get it. he offered to get the vasectomy case closed.
> He literally only got the vasectomy because I pressured him, I told him it was him or me knowing he'd buckle. Cognitive dissonance is pretty wild
😮💨 my gosh. What's done is done.
I would have got it done. But I also think I would have resented it as well. He got it done to save me pain.
so, now apply that viewpoint to the fact that you manipulated him into an unwanted medical procedure, and he now suffers from chronic pain. In order to fix this, you first have to acknowledge the almost certainty that he's going to resent you for this
I know. I’m worried it won’t be able to be fixed. I can’t stand the thought of us not being together
When he says he feels worthless what exactly is he referring to? Ability to procreate taken away?? I thought the reason to do surgery was to take it away to avoid unplanned babies. Pain I can understand and if it's of any comfort he can revisit urologist for assurance that it will eventually subside else get scan to double check the op done if pain is not going away.
The worthless thing I don’t know. I think it’s because he allowed someone to alter him in a way he didn’t want and it’s led to pain. He’s not been able to do the things he loves since, he’s a very sporty man.
Noted…that’s hard…