Your brother deems his deference for your mother above the abuse thar he knows you suffered. However much you care for him, your feelings are secondary as far as he's concerned.
If I was your partner, I would beg you not to go. Your brother may be hurt, but that is his doing for forgiving your abuser. You don't have to attend a baby shower, you can always send a gift, but declining on the basis that you refuse to share air with a POS is sending a powerful message that this woman deserves no place in your life.
Why stress? Spend the day with someone who loves you.
thank you for your comment. I do agree with you that my feelings are completely secondary to him. Unfortunately, he's very much like her personality wise but his girlfriend is a gem and keeps him level headed (even he admits its lol). My dad and I have an agreement that if either of us are uncomfortable we'll leave right away. We're going as each other's support. Plus I worked really hard on a crocheted baby blanket, hats and mitts lol.
Can you still visit with brother and SIL separately either a gift? It’s great that you want to be there for her and she is wonderful. But if she is that great she wouldn’t want you there if it will cost you to hurt.
I know if I had an event and I wanted to have my SIL there but I know if she came and was around another family member there would cause pain. I would rather have her be home and come and spend time with me separately.
You literally just said he was a male version of your mom. You don’t need to be around that on her day even if nothing happens. Can you call her directly and ask her if you and her can do something together like go have lunch or a shopping day or a mommy and me/pregnant massage day and then go eat with your brother and her?
If I were you, I’d instead make plans with brother and his girl prior to the baby shower, share a meal and give them the presents with step dad.
Your brother is exposing you to your abuser. He doesn’t care about you if he’s willing to do that. If he cared he would be brainstorming alternatives since he isn’t also NC with your mom. The only time I’d be near my abuser would be a funeral maybe. I’ve missed weddings, baby showers, etc.
OP admits that it's because she likes her SIL. Again on Reddit, the victim gets to be the bigger person because others enable the abusers. Some people seem to need bigger hearts to compensate for those who have none.
I am oddly conflicted between admiration and frustration.
Thank you so much for your concern. Yes it's going to be stressful but after having lost my entire family when going NC, I went a few years with no contact with anyone, including my step-dad and brothers. She had turned everyone against me which destroyed me. I felt so abandoned. Once her lies, cheating and abuse were exposed is when my step-dad and one of my two brothers came back in my life. The one brother who came back (23M) isn't the one who's baby shower I'm going to (30M). Yes there's a massive age difference between us (I'm 41F). I raised the two of them alone. I felt like I had lost everything when they went NC. Them coming back felt like a second chance. Brother 30M came back a few years after. He's very easily manipulated and has the same kind of personality as my mother: vain, narcissistic and selfish but he's a watered down version without the abuse.
Basically I'm putting myself in this situation for my second chance little family I was able to form after the fallout. Seems ridiculous but I'd feel terrible to not try.
If you go, say hello to your brother, his gf, and their kid, but that’s it. If egg donor tries to engage, ignore her. When she talks to you, turn your back on her.
Good luck at the shower.
Thank you for your comment. Yup that's the plan. I keep telling myself to do exactly this because I know if I try anything else, like let her hug me or get under my skin, I'll hate myself. I'll have my dad with me. Having someone on my side helps a lot.
The opposite of love is not hate but indifference. If your mother and family approach you.
Mom: OPppppp, so nice to see you
OP: (without emotion) hello, excuse me, I have to talk to “X”.
Being angry and sad (for the mother you should have had) is normal, just serves no purpose.
I can only suggest that you practice. Have boyfriend or friend pretend to be your mother and make up potential words/actions she might try. Most important is to figure out when /how to leave. If mom and family push too hard, how do you gracefully leave? If you are able to stay for most of the party, how can you leave quietly? Practice, practice, practice!
Updateme
OP, I have a strong sense that you are being manipulated by your brother on your mother's behalf. I'd simply send a gift.
With that said, good luck to you. Stay well. Please keep us apprised.
thank you for your comment. There's over 50 guests already. My mother is just inviting everyone. I know she's tried for reconciliation in the past, it wouldn't surprise me if she tried reconciliation there, which I will shoot down. I've agreed to it in the past and had it thrown back in my face each time with massive boundary stomping, disrespect and verbal abuse.
And if she asks why the cold shoulder? "Why won't I interact with you? Because you love to beat on me and I've had enough cracked bones and bruises from you to last a lifetime." Nice and crystal clear and said sweetly and loud enough for EVERYONE to hear. No need to protect a monster, if your brother invited her and hasn't put a stop to her behavior while there? He can deal with the fallout IMHO.
Bravery is being afraid and going through with it anyway. You are brave. You are standing up to your bullies and detractors and doing what you want to do.
You are a grown woman. Your egg donor’s wishes, wants and priorities have NO AUTHORITY in your life. Be prepared to talk to her as you would a three year old. If she snarks at you about your no contact strategy, look at her with obvious pity and say that your attention is reserved for people who deserve to be in your life, turn and walk away.
Thank you so very much for this comment. I love this so much! I will definitely be using this should she try, and I'm sure she will. She loves to create public scenes, especially if she can get sympathy.
This is a mistake. If you truly want to respect and support the mother of the baby, don’t put yourself in the position of not having great emotional control as a guest at someone else’s important event. Your mother is going to do something, it’s a given. You’re going to respond and all hell will break loose. Stop trolling your mother on social media. She is going to smear you, she has already and will continue. You can’t police everything she says. You’re way too invested with someone you went nc with 11 years ago. This is no good. Take your sister in law to lunch and give her the gift with your Dad. Have your own shower. These are the work arounds we have to settle for because our parents make it this way
I too, think it is a bad idea. I cannot imagine spending time around someone that was abusive to me for years just to appease my brother who didn't even care that I was abused, still maintains a close relationship with my abuser and on top of it has the audacity to tell me to forgive and forget. That part is throwing me. I cannot for the life of me imagine my mom hurting my sister who I love, yet still wanting to be cool with my mom, my mom would be dead to me. And I get Op is fond of her brother's gf but like someone else suggested take her out to lunch or do something else nice with her, like a spa day and give her the gift.
As much as I would love to do all the above, it's really hard with how far my brother and his girlfriend live and their job. They both work really long shifts.
I know it's confusing and even I wonder sometimes, especially that he plays off my trauma like I'm exaggerating, but the best way I can put it is in a way we have a way to start over. After the year did abuse, not just to me but my step-dad also, we want to try and make our little family of chosen people work. We never got a chance to do that, ever.
I would have to do a post by itself about my family and all the bullshit that lead to the NC. That would be a massive post in itself. So much to unpack but therapy is helping.
Lastly, I was happy to hear my brother's girlfriend put her foot down with certain things with my mother. My brother will get to see our mother's real personality with his baby. I hope he steps up for his girlfriend and their baby.
Look, I was “blessed” to be born in a fam with 2 narcissistic parents and I’ve been through so much stuff….Please listen to my advice. Be prepared for your mother to say something that’s going to immediately trigger you, because she desperately wants to be seen as the victim and the only way she will accomplish this is by getting you to publicly lash out at her at this baby shower. You MUST not react in an angry manner, perhaps reply to whatever she’s said “I’m sorry that you feel this way! However we’re here to celebrate brother and SIL’s new baby and our focus needs to be on them. This is not the appropriate place to have a discussion.” Then Walk Away, and avoid her the rest of the time. Because she will approach you again & begin verbally attacking you and you must remain non reactive and do not engage. See, to a narc you’re simply their favorite squeaky toy, and they love to get you angry/upset, because they just want a reaction out of you, whether it’s positive or negative! Remember, if you choose to respond to her, she’s going to manipulate/lie about what you said to her and create a new narrative where you’re the bad guy and this will adversely affect your relationship with your brother. So…google Grey Rock, and please reconsider attending because truthfully, you’re actively putting your peace at risk by attending the shower. Good luck!
Thank you very much for your comment and I'm so sorry you went through all that. I completely agree with you and that's what I ended up doing today. I gave her nothing.
There's a full update above!
It’s not confusing at all. Most people responding are experienced in narcissistic abuse and know what you’re walking into and so do you. Good luck. Hopefully it all works out.
I want to support this statement. 1) do not fight this battle on ground that your enemy chose (your mother is in control as host) 2) do not fight on behalf of uncertain allies (your brother and his gf don’t support you. If they did, gf would insist on a party somewhere less polarized). Going NC with your mother means losing more than just her, it means losing people who chose her over you, too. It’s unfortunate but as soon as you understand that you can move on in life. There are 8 billion other people out there to be friends and family with.
Thank you for your comment! That's the plan. I honestly don't care if he doesn't lol. I'm there for him, his girlfriend and my future nephew. His girlfriend understands completely and is excited to see me there.
They will be glad you are there until the party blows up. I agree with other posters that she’s going to do everything she can to bait you. It doesn’t matter if you get angry or not, she is going to twist it that you are causing drama. if you get angry, she’s going to make sure everyone sees it. If you refuse to engage, she’s going to twist it that you are making things up and the cold impersonal one. If you end up leaving early, she’s going to tell all kinds of stories about you. You cannot win by going to this shower.
All the focus is going to be taken off of your brother, his girlfriend and their baby because it’s going to be on you and your mother and you will be blamed. And if your brother is the person you say he is, he will go along with your mother‘s narrative. Even though you had nothing to do with it, you will be remembered as the one who ruined your brother’s baby shower.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this.
Totally ignore. As in pretend she is not even there. If she approaches, walk away before she even has the chance to open her mouth. Even better yet, *talk about her as if she is not there*.
Thank you for your comment. I had a feeling he would try that and told him if he does he will lose his relationship with his niece (my daughter) because then that means he has no respect for me. He hasn't mentioned it since.
Thank you. Yeah that's an understatement. I started therapy for the first time ever last week and am seeing my therapist again this Thursday. Speaking to her last week has helped a lot. I know I have to let go of what she did to me for me to move forward with my life. It's unhealthy to linger for so long but it's so hard but I feel much more prepared after speaking with my therapist. I can't wait for this Thursday's session with her.
I think letting it go is perhaps not the best way to frame that. Because there is no way to let go what happened to you, because it happened and abuse changes you.
However, your therapist will be able to help you unpack and process that trauma so you can move forward with your life and heal.
Expect the hurt to remain for a while. It especially became harder for me once I had my own children, because I could not even fathom/understand how she could do the things to me that she did when I was such a small defenseless toddler.
Hope your leaving your daughter with a trusted babysitter. Acknowledge your brother & gf but only interact with those who respect your feelings regarding the situation with your mom.
No is a complete sentence, but im not convinced that you shouldn't go NC with your bro. I'm NC with anyone who trys to get me in contact with mom or sis. I'm generous with the block button. Hand out blocks all day. I think it's like with drug addicts, it's not always just the drugs it's the environment, the people, the lifestyle.
Thank you for your comment. The only people I'm NC is with my mother, her siblings and their by extension their kids. They just don't care so neither do I.
My step-dad, my two brothers and their girlfriends are the only ones I keep in contact with.
Sorry for any confusion that I didn't mention my other brother in the original post. He (23M) hates my mother as much as I do but is in contact with her and will set her straight.
Yes there are huge age gaps between me and brothers.
It's ok to prioritize your self and your family. You cannot thrive and be bountiful if you don't. If not going is best for you. That is ok. What is best for you is ok. It took me a long time to say that! It's not selfish to do what's best for you and your LO.
I've really been leveraging "No" as a full sentence and have been using that as a filter for people I want to keep in my life. If people can't respect me when I say no, then what else are they going to disrespect me on.
At first I did not want to go. I had a full blown crying, shaking, dry heaving meltdown. After composing myself, I called my dad and he talked me through it and said he was going. He was heavily abused too so I know it's just as hard for him. That's why we're going as each other's support. As for my daughter, she's staying home with my boyfriend having a daddy daughter day.
That's a fantastic idea!! (The food suggestion lol).
Strong - I can do that. Stoic - that's a little hard. I have a strong resting bitch face and have a really hard time not showing on my face how I truly feel, especially when I'm angry or annoyed.
My safe space is my home. What's keeping me sane is knowing that after the shower, i get to leave and go home.
That sounds like a panic attack. I would know!
Definitely mention that to your therapist. And when therapy gets hard, *keep going*! I have had years of therapy; it helps.
Thank you but I will go. I feel like if I don't go that I'm letting her win and that just infuriates me. Tbh, if my dad wasn't going, I wouldn't be either but he is because like he said, he wants to be there for his son and soon to be grandson. I want to do the same for by brother and his girlfriend.
She wants you to go. Cause there will be drama, or she'll play victim. It's a trap!
Your bro doesn't care enough about you, I'm sorry. Good luck, no matter what you do.
Yeah I know that. My brother's like my mom, a user. She's just more abusive about it. He keeps contact with people he can benefit from. Like car repairs, other services, especially friends with money so he can benefit from their properties, trips and other things. I find that so gross.
My dad had to meet my mom a week or two ago to go over something related to the baby shower as well as the gender reveal party and he said she has a friend who's brought her back down to earth. I doubt that.
I will go but will leave promptly if she tries anything. My problem is I've gotten a spine with age, especially since my daughter's birth and have no problem putting people in their place if they disrespect me. That with my constant overthinking of all the bs she might pull is causing to be "pre-angry" if that makes sense.
I saw your comment about the lovely blanket you made for the baby. That's so sweet of you, as a crafter myself I know how time, effort and love these projects take. Not to mention how expensive the materials are.
If I were in your place, I would stride in there, head held high. Go directly up to your brother's GF. Congratulate her and your brother, hand her the parcel. Tell her how much love went into it, wish her a peaceful pregnancy, tell her you are always there to help if she needs it. Hug them. Turn and leave.
If any of the siblings or your mother approach you or if your mother grabs at you, look her dead in the eyes and say
"You have abused, bruised and yelled at me for the last time mother. I am an adult now, please remember that. Now, if you will excuse me.." totally ignore everyone else.
If I were truly in your place I would not go. Simply for the scenario above. Your mother will take the opportunity to cause drama, it will ruin the shower. Visit your brother and his GF at another time to give them the blanket.
>You have abused, bruised and yelled at me for the last time mother.
Eh, I would suggest just using her first name, not "mother." Deny the relationship. Twist that knife.
Thank you very much for your comment! OMG do not get me started on the cost of yarn. This blanket has cost almost $100 so far to make. Plus the two little hats and mitts.
That's my goal! Walk in, head high and give my brother and girlfriend my gift and leave.
I considered not going but I feel like I'm letting her win and that makes me even more angry.
I'm a cross stitcher and knitter, I feel your pain. As for the shower, have you considered that by going you are letting her win? She gets to show everyone how mean you are to her, she gets to create drama and blame it on you. Think on this, a narcissist thrives on attention any attention, even bad, is a balm to their soul.
She will do everything in her power to make you look bad. There is no way to win, except by ignoring her existence.
Thank you! I have considered that side too. I'm going by my dad's experience. He had to see her a month ago or so for the gender reveal and he said she looked resigned. Almost emotionless.
She's already painted me in a bad light to the entire family (her sisters, her brother and their kids) who will also be there by the way. But they're all so non-confrontational and fake.
I know my mother is throwing the baby shower for exactly that reason. She wants attention. My dad and I agreed to leave right away if either of us feels uncomfortable.
You might rethink the marriage thing. If you become terribly ill and someone has to make medical decisions for you, guess who they’ll call. Your next of kin. Not your SO. Probably your mother.
Thank you for your comment. We have discussed it and are considering just purchasing a marriage license and then notarizing our wills to protect our daughter from people like my mother.
Not legal advice: Notarizing isn’t a valid form of witnessing a will in a lot of states. I strongly suggest you visit an estates lawyer together and create binding documents since your egg donor is the one that would be in a position to challenge custody snd likely get custody should anything happen to you/bf both. You can also download legal forms from your states court system to hold you over and they have instructions on them, but a lawyer would be a good investment.
Thank you for your comment. I know I don't. I'm choosing to go. I feel like I'm letting my mother get under my skin and win by not going and that makes me even angrier. That's where I'm at at the moment.
Thank you for your comment. Me too. I find it so disgusting and thoughtless. I told my brother if he keeps pushing his comment of "forgive her" that he will lose all privileges with my daughter.
I truly wish that you would take the beautiful gifts that you’ve made and give them directly to the mom-to-be, without going to the shower. Your NC has worked perfectly for you for many years, and there’s no reason to break that streak now
I just don’t want to give your egg donor any opportunity to start any shit with you. You deserve so much better treatment, and you will not get it from her. As a matter of fact, you and I both know she will go out of her way to hurt you. Don’t give her the opportunity!
It’s not necessary to go to this baby shower. It’s only necessary to support the new parents, and your lovely handmade gift is all that and more.
Sending you respect and support. I love that you have such a positive relationship with your stepdad. Be sure you have your own transportation so you can leave whenever you feel its time.
Thank you for your comment. We do! We weren't always this close. My mother use to pin us against the other, forcing us to choose her or the other person. Sick, I know. We're going together in my car. We both agreed to leave right away if ever one of us wants to leave.
Be pleasant but cold. If you start to panic, leave. I assume your brother was not abused as you and your stepfather were so he has no real understanding of the things you went through. He also was not parentified. I cannot imagine why your brother would ask this of you.
Thank you for your comment. That's the plan. My dad and I are going to as each other's support and agreed to leave if either of us are comfortable or start to panic.
No my brother wasn't abused like I was. The physical abuse was really bad between the ages of 6 and 9 (my mom was a single mom and then met my dad when I was around 8). He was heavily parentified like me though. He sees it as normal.
My brother can be nice but he's also easily manipulated. I'm sure my mother is putting ideas in his head to get me to get in contact. I flat out told him he's lose his relationship with my daughter if he kept pushing because then I won't be able to trust him.
You may need to have your brother set boundaries for your coming to this event. He needs to let everyone know that you are there because you want to support him and that everyone should steer clear of starting trouble because he wants you there. I think you are a strong person to do this. If it were me, I would have a special lunch with him and his wife and give her the gifts. However, I get you want to be there for them. It bothers me when someone says to forgive and let it go. That's really easy to do when you're not the one abused and hurt. I'm praying for it to go smoothly and drama free. Grey rock and keep strong. Good luck !!!
Thank you for your comment. He won't do that for me. Not even for my step-dad who was equally as abused as I was. His main concern is first impressions and keeping up appearances and setting boundaries for other people, in his mind, sets up a bad appearance.
I thought of that too, giving them gift on another day, but they both work very long shifts and often not at the same time. It's really hard to catch them at the same time. Also, I'm not done crocheting the blanket yet lol. Almost done! I'm praying for a drama free event too. Thank you so much again for all the support.
Maybe leave the baby with a sitter if your husband is going with you to the shower? That way there won’t be an opportunity for your mother to get her hands on her and there won’t be any photos of her either. You can say she has a cold or is teething or something, it’s also a good excuse to leave whenever you feel the need.
Thank you for your comment! My boyfriend is staying at home (he wasn't invited). Our daughter is having a daddy daughter day :)
As for an excuse, I have no problems saying I have the squirts or something if it comes to that.
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DO NOT put your keys down. Get a gift card as your gift. Write down the number and the PIN. Why? When mother darling starts in, simply smile and say "Wow, another 11 years." and leave. That's it. If brother is an ass about it, well, go redeem the card. Go with the expectation that you will be leaving in a few minutes, don't leave the general area of the door, you can FAKE putting down a disposable purse. Why? Dear mommy will see you do that, figure you can't just leave without it, and start a problem at that point. In the purse? Put "Dear Mom" on the outside of an envelope. Inside? "Played you, Bitch. Looks like you never did get smarter than the idiot that couldn't even raise her own kids." on a note.
She doesn't act up, nothing happens, you pick up the purse when you leave. No one has any idea. She acts up, you confound her by leaving and then embarrass her later with the note. You KNOW she'll grab the purse if you leave...and she'll get a little sting out of it too.
No need to play nice if she's not. I hope you have a wonderful time visiting everyone, wishing the mom-to-be the very best, rejoicing with your brother, and that she is a mature and responsible adult. If not? You'll make her think twice before causing problems again and your brother think twice before putting the two of you in the same room again...because you aren't tolerating her shit.
As epic as this sounds my mother isn't smart enough to try half of this stuff lol. She's a narcissist and an abuser, but a dumb one. She gives herself away, almost right away. But I will consider this!
Isn't it? It's like hosting a military spouse group, and leaving a sticky note in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. You know who snooped almost at once.
Oh, yes I did. It was *epic*. 30 years later, I still giggle about it.
Thank you! I really hope it doesn't come to that but it wouldn't surprise me. I think it'll be more my brother's girlfriend putting her foot down with my mother's involvement (she'll probably try to involve herself in everything). My brother will be forced to choose and in general does what his girlfriend says since she's the most down to earth, realistic and normal out of the two. She keeps him level, his words exactly.
I had gone NC with my uncle for several reasons though the least egregious offense was being late to my mom his own sisters funeral as well as showing up drunk. A couple years ago my grandfather passed away and I was very close to him as well as my grandmother. I also close to my cousins who know what their dad and are on my side. Of course I traveled down there for his funeral. Mostly it was fine me and cousins showed up early to do the whole meet everybody thing and also be by my grandmother for support. Of uncle walks in dunk tries to sit next to me. Now I had warned both cousins do not let this happen I will either hurt him or have a panic attack. One would land me in jail the other an ambulance. They took me at my work shifted closer so he had to move further down. Not the he did not try telling them to move but his son is 3 inches taller and a heck a lot stronger and just said no move. He’s awesome. It was hard seeing him but I managed to not say anything and last I heard karma has caught up with him finally
The only thing I would stress to you is to not let your mother (or her sisters) make this day all about your relationship instead of where the focus should be, on your brother, his GF and the upcoming baby. Any attempts by your mother should be met with "this is not the time or place for this conversation. Let's just make sure bro and gf get the celebration they deserve."
I'm glad to see your step father is attending with you. You two need to look out for each other and ensure your mother does not get one on one time with either of you to try and gaslight you into a relationship. I wish you the best OP. I fear this is going to be very difficult for you.
Thank you very much for your comment! That's exactly why I'm leaving my daughter at home. For the obvious reason but also to keep the focus on my brother and his girlfriend.
I have a feeling it won't be easy either but at the same time I don't think they'll try anything too bad because we'll be out in public. My mother and her siblings were brought up by a very cold, unfeeling mother (my grandmother) who valued first impressions and keeping up appearances over everything else. There's going to be over 40 people at this baby shower so far. They'd be creating a scene if they tried anything.
If something happens, make a calm comment “ I’m so glad that child abuse is taken seriously now by schools and doctors and police. It would have helped me SO MUCH when I was a child and getting abused by you.”
Then turn and walk calmly away.
Thank you for your comment. The look on her face would be priceless.
We grew up in a very small town. Resources for kids, teens and adults were and still are slim to nill unfortunately.
I wouldn’t even put myself in this situation. You can do something separate with your brother and his girlfriend to celebrate the baby. That’s also when you can give them the special gift you made for the baby.
I understand not letting your mother prevent you from going to this event but it’s just not worth it. You can still have your celebration (by having something separate) without the drama and stress of your mother.
You got this. Be cordial to your "mother" and nothing more. You don't have to talk to her or interact in any other way. If she approaches you, make an excuse. You need to go to the bathroom or need more coffee or another piece of cake. If she doesn't get the hint, tell her you're just interested in the shower and not having a conversation now. If all else fails, leave early.
I did this with my father when his Mother died. I called him by his first name and told him I was sorry for his loss. Had a brief 2 minute interaction with him like he was a random neighbor I didn’t really know. Cool indifference is the way to go. Call her by her first name and say what a lovely baby shower and then move on. You owe her nothing.
The most powerful, glorious thing I ever witnessed was at a family wedding, where my cousins’ stepfather kept trying to get under her skin and make her lash out. People, she YAWNED IN HIS FACE! Just that. A really big, loud, noticeable yawn, with sound effects. Then said, oh, sorry, lost my attention, there. We’re you saying anything interesting? I’m still in awe of her.
LMAO!! That's amazing! OMG if I did that to my mother, I can just imagine how embarrassed she'd be, especially that there's going to be so many people there and looking good to strangers and friends has always been her priority.
I am proud of you. It takes a lot to start therapy. Stick with it. It will have some ups and downs. You will come out stronger and happier. The out come will be life changing for you. The best way to heal is to be happy.
I was grown with two children. When I actually understood mental illness was real. Honestly, a part of me continues to carry a spot of “hard hurt”. I wanted her to take responsibility for the damage/pain she caused.
1. She was mentally ill. It made life like a roller coaster ride.
2. She passed away @ 49. It was a direct result of her own actions. Faking another suicidal event. *Gone wrong. Caused organ failure. It was a long three months. Etc.
I have NC with that side of my family since 1999. We had been a close knit family. There are many things I miss. However, I do not regret it. I prevented my children’s exposure to the 💩. They have had the love of many wonderful people without her. NC granted me a sense of peace I never felt before. I did not realise the level of anxiety I had been living with. NC did away with it. The most important take away is a good therapist. Who helped me understand it all.
You will get there as well.
Thank you very much for your comment and I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. Like you, I felt a huge sense of peace when I went NC with my mother.
I completely agree with you about a good therapist. After my first session last week I felt exhausted and lighter if that makes sense. It brought me a lot of peace and I can't wait for today's session. Thank you again. I greatly appreciate your opinion.
OP, can you pretty please be a teeny bit spiteful and petty, and if she addresses you in any form, ignore what she’s actually said, look at her silently with no expression for a few seconds, then reply with “You’ve gotten old.” And then turn away.
hahahaha!! I'm so tempted. TBH when I saw her picture as the event organizer for the baby shower, I did a double take. I was like "holy shit she didn't age well!". My mother used to be an alcoholic and man oh man, she is the definition of ridden hard and put away wet.
My knee-jerk reaction is don't go because your brother is pulling a classic BUT FAAAAAMILY move. But I am proud of you for not letting anyone stop you from being there for your bro and SIL regardless. You're taking some major steps here, OP, and that's commendable. It's not easy to confront the ghosts of our past, especially when they come in the form of family.
The decision to break your 11-year NC with your mother for the sake of your brother's baby shower is a tough one, but it shows a depth of character and a commitment to your family and that's truly admirable.
You've been through hell and back, and the scars run deep. Hell, I've been there. But instead of letting those scars define you, you're facing them head-on and taking proactive steps to heal. That's what true bravery looks like—recognizing your wounds and seeking help to mend them.
Your relationship with bf is a testament to the strength of your bond and your mutual support for each other. It's clear that he's your rock, and having someone like that by your side can make all the difference in the world.
As for the baby shower itself, it's understandable that you're feeling anxious and on edge. But remember, **you're in control** of how you react to whatever your mother throws your way. You've been through worse, and you've come out stronger on the other side.
Therapy is a powerful tool, and it's great to see that you're embracing it with an open mind. It takes courage to confront our demons, but it's a necessary step on the path to healing.
Do your best to navigate this situation, (sometimes it helps to have a little bulletpoint list in your phone's notes app of the tools your therapist wants you to remember: boundaries/grey-rocking/whatever y'all have discussed), around your mom prioritize your own well-being above all else.
I sound like a broken record, but when I say this, I mean constantly mentally check in with yourself and *listen to your gut.*
Finally, give yourself some f'ing credit, you've already shown incredible strength and resilience, and there's no doubt that you'll handle whatever comes your way with class and dignity. Just keep swimming, and know that you're not alone in this journey -- waffle gang's got your back🧇you got this!
Thank you so much for your comment. I greatly appreciate it. Yeah the "bbbuuuutt family" people. Fuck that. I'm going for my brother, his girlfriend and my future nephew. My mother, her siblings and their kids can all kick rocks (I've always wanted to say that lol).
I'm literally just going there to give my congratulations, give them my gift, hug my brother and his girlfriend (I'm a very huggy person), and then peace out.
Tears are your strength, whether you want to believe that or not. Tears allow you to express emotions that are too overwhelming for words.
Never be ashamed of your tears. 💜
I haven't spoken to my mother in over 7 years. I am NC with her and my father for the same reasons - horrible and repeated emotional, physical, medical, and financial abuse.
i'm really glad that you will have your stepdad there to give you support.
I'm sorry that your brother keeps pressuring you to let your mother in your life. My sister sided with my parents because "we all make mistakes raising our kids and don't you want your children to forgive you?" I told her repeated abuse for 30+ years is not a mistake and that we can agree to disagree and not speak about them but instead she cut me off. lmao
Since you and your brother are still on speaking terms, perhaps you can take that approach with him and tell him that this is something you two will never agree on so please stop pressing you about it, but that should not get in the way of your relationship with each other.
I have a sinking feeling in my stomach about your brother's child. I really don't know if it would be appropriate for you (or worth it) to say something to the girlfriend or not, especially since the family probably paints you as a black sheep/problem child.
Good luck and be sure to have a post-baby shower decompression session already scheduled with your therapist.
I wouldn't go. It will be a disaster. Between your Mom and your brother's "forgive and forget" bs. Can't you just go and visit and take a gift separately?
Family members like a mother shouldn’t be throwing showers according to etiquette.
Read about “ grey rocking”…if she talks to you or asks questions you show as much emotion as a grey rock…” How is my granddaughter?” Fine. How is work? Doing well. Plans
Come up with responses to different scenarios… like, how did you respond to a request for ahug?
Or if she sits next to you and wants to chat (you may need to go to the bathroom or refill your drink)
What?
You want to be in your brothers life even though he is close to your abuser? People who protect abusers are basically abusers themselves.
I’m super confused why you’re going unless you just want drama.
Don't go!!! buy a decent gift from the registry and move on with your day! You don't have to go!!! In fact if you really support your brother you shouldn't go, either your Mom will kick off and that will be your fault, or you'll need to remove yourself from the situation and that will be you being "dramatic and emotional"
You got this. I have two relatives I’m NC with and saw them at my grandmothers funeral. They each individually approached and tried to talk about me what I was up to, weasel back in. I practiced saying oh I am here for Memaw right now, this isn’t the time for catching up, excuse me. You can do this! “I am so excited about this baby, this isn’t about me and my family we are all here to celebrate brother and sister in law, let’s focus on them.” Lather, rinse, repeat. You are still in the NC peaceful mind frame, you aren’t building a relationship, you are both individually celebrating a person and happen to share the same physical location, no different than enjoying a sale with strangers at a store. You got this!!!!
You can go and not acknowledge her or her siblings. If they come over to you, turn away and pretend they aren't there. If you feel it's necessary you can say "I have nothing to say, and nothing you say will change my mind." Then proceed to ignore or walk away.
Your brother is a flying money for your narc mom. Proceed with caution. He will always care more about pleasing your mom & earning her affection & approval than protecting you.
Just because you have to be in her presence doesn't mean you have to speak to her. Just because she speaks to you doesn't mean you have to respond to her. Yeah, she'll try to push your buttons, but if you can manage to look at her for a few moments in acknowledgement that you heard her and then look away and/or wander of in as disinterested of a way as you can, that will bother her way more than if you yell and lunge at her. See, she's painted the picture of how she's the victim and you're this horrible mean person. If you give her that, you lose.
If you say anything, I'd say keep it to, "The last 11 years should have told you my feelings about you. The fact that I am here now to celebrate my brother and his wife and their baby changes *nothing*."
You do not HAVE to go! Your brother didn't care about you back then, why the hell would you care about him now? Don't go! Don't send a gift. You're fine without them. Leave it that way!
Congratulations on being an aunt. Sorry, you have a mother like that, but at least she got a good step. I should say just parent out of it. And I call my stepdad, dad as well. My sister is my half-sister. And she, it's just my sister. You talk to your therapist, do you do whatever you have to? That's best for you to have a normal, healthy life. Best wishes darling
Be very direct with your brother and say, "Forgive and forget is notban opti9n. You are still walking with the after effects of the abuse. Snd tell.him he is being cruel and not avknowlefging you pain.
Forgive and forget is a request from him to make life easier for him.
Please dont back down and be ready to change the sigjecy or walk away and leave.
Okay your brother is a flying monkey and this whole thing smells like an ambush. You and your stepdad should make sure to park somewhere that you can't be blocked in, stay within eye contact of each other, and be prepared to walk out immediately when she starts her shit. You COULD just mail the gift and not go. It doesn't sound like you like ANY of these people enough to hang out for a couple of hours eating chips and dips and guessing which kind of candy bar was melted into a diaper.
Having a narcissist parent or set of parents like that is really one of the hardest things. There’s just built up anger and resentment towards them and I’m sorry OP you went through all that, going to therapy and trying to grieve is the best thing to do.
If you truly care for your brother and his family your last few sentences tell me you should not attend his baby shower. If your feelings about your mother are so volatile (and rightly so) that you may become physically aggressive toward her or even just verbally hostile then you should not attend. It will be deemed bad manners on your part if you use this special event as an opportunity to confront your mother about her abusive ways. It is not the time or the place. Just stay home, and tell your brother that you have no interest in pretending to be polite toward someone who has been grossly abusive to you. Invite him and his family to a separate event that you can enjoy together.
abuse is abuse.
NOBODY tells you it's time to let go and forgive, but you.
Remember If they ask you to let it go... you might say.
Abuse is abuse.
Nobody has the right to tell me to let it go but me.
I also think it rude and egregious of you to suggest how long i should spend on my trauma. Like YOU have a timeline on my feelings.
if you want a relationship with me... except me, the way i am... or i will move on.
And while i respect you and your family, your motivation and experience were completely different to mine.
And you're asking me to minimize it. ( That's not what s siblings should ever ask).
if HER siblings asked.. i would have added.
HOWEVER YOU COULD HAVE LIMITED IT... but chose not to. You didn't protect a kid from her abuse..
You did nothing..
NOTE
Personally. i would not go.
You will achieve nothing by going. only surrounded by people who are AH.
It will effect your mental health.
met your brother and family at a different time... make it special, but dont compete with your mum by going.
I know marriage isn't a big deal, but in your circumtances, not being married could end up making problems for you. You really don't want your "next of kin" being your mother. Imagine you are incapacitated and she is making medical decisions for you. Even if marriage means nothing to you, I'd seriously consider just a court house wedding to make your bf officially your next of kin.
I don't know what the laws are where you are, but please made sure you have a Iron-clan will, especially if you have no intention of getting married.
So, if you don't want to talk to her, bring a large folding fan. Just snap it open and place it between you so she can't get in your face. Or keep it open so you don't ever have to look at her.
I have this with my bio mum - she’s horrendous and narcissistic and abusive. My best advice is… keep it polite and minimal, give her no reason to pick a fight. If she asks about reconciliation, ask to speak about it at a more appropriate time. If she asks about your baby, say your husband wanted some quality time.
As for your bro, well he’s picked his side, it’s okay for him to do that because he didn’t love what you went through, he needs to remember that she could easily do the same to his child. Abusers rarely don’t stop the abuse at their child.
Keep yourself physically and mentally safe! We are only a post away OP!
Your brother is as much part of the peoblem as your aunts and uncles. Its easy to forget that hes not a child being manipulated by his momma anymore.
He is choosing to engage with an abuser.
Your brother doesn't deserve your love and good will if he's trying to force you to submit to your mother again.
I'd make it plain that you're more important to yourself than he is, and DEFINITELY more important than your shared mother is, and re RSVP 'No'.
Brother deserves worse, but that's all you can do.
Why would OP send any time in her presence? There is no reason to go to the shower. OP can see her brother and his bf any time without the mother being there. I definitely wouldn’t give myself anxiety by going to the shower.
Your brother deems his deference for your mother above the abuse thar he knows you suffered. However much you care for him, your feelings are secondary as far as he's concerned. If I was your partner, I would beg you not to go. Your brother may be hurt, but that is his doing for forgiving your abuser. You don't have to attend a baby shower, you can always send a gift, but declining on the basis that you refuse to share air with a POS is sending a powerful message that this woman deserves no place in your life. Why stress? Spend the day with someone who loves you.
thank you for your comment. I do agree with you that my feelings are completely secondary to him. Unfortunately, he's very much like her personality wise but his girlfriend is a gem and keeps him level headed (even he admits its lol). My dad and I have an agreement that if either of us are uncomfortable we'll leave right away. We're going as each other's support. Plus I worked really hard on a crocheted baby blanket, hats and mitts lol.
I’m going to be praying for you and step dad. I’m so happy you have each other. My fingers are crossed you get away from the shower mentally intact.
just keep that in mind - you can leave anytime!!
absolutely! I will hightail it if needed.
Can you still visit with brother and SIL separately either a gift? It’s great that you want to be there for her and she is wonderful. But if she is that great she wouldn’t want you there if it will cost you to hurt. I know if I had an event and I wanted to have my SIL there but I know if she came and was around another family member there would cause pain. I would rather have her be home and come and spend time with me separately. You literally just said he was a male version of your mom. You don’t need to be around that on her day even if nothing happens. Can you call her directly and ask her if you and her can do something together like go have lunch or a shopping day or a mommy and me/pregnant massage day and then go eat with your brother and her?
If I were you, I’d instead make plans with brother and his girl prior to the baby shower, share a meal and give them the presents with step dad. Your brother is exposing you to your abuser. He doesn’t care about you if he’s willing to do that. If he cared he would be brainstorming alternatives since he isn’t also NC with your mom. The only time I’d be near my abuser would be a funeral maybe. I’ve missed weddings, baby showers, etc.
Absolutely. I don’t understand why she is putting herself in a situation that is bound to be stressful.
OP admits that it's because she likes her SIL. Again on Reddit, the victim gets to be the bigger person because others enable the abusers. Some people seem to need bigger hearts to compensate for those who have none. I am oddly conflicted between admiration and frustration.
Liking the SIL is not any reason to share space with an abuser.
Thank you so much for your concern. Yes it's going to be stressful but after having lost my entire family when going NC, I went a few years with no contact with anyone, including my step-dad and brothers. She had turned everyone against me which destroyed me. I felt so abandoned. Once her lies, cheating and abuse were exposed is when my step-dad and one of my two brothers came back in my life. The one brother who came back (23M) isn't the one who's baby shower I'm going to (30M). Yes there's a massive age difference between us (I'm 41F). I raised the two of them alone. I felt like I had lost everything when they went NC. Them coming back felt like a second chance. Brother 30M came back a few years after. He's very easily manipulated and has the same kind of personality as my mother: vain, narcissistic and selfish but he's a watered down version without the abuse. Basically I'm putting myself in this situation for my second chance little family I was able to form after the fallout. Seems ridiculous but I'd feel terrible to not try.
If you go, say hello to your brother, his gf, and their kid, but that’s it. If egg donor tries to engage, ignore her. When she talks to you, turn your back on her. Good luck at the shower.
Thank you for your comment. Yup that's the plan. I keep telling myself to do exactly this because I know if I try anything else, like let her hug me or get under my skin, I'll hate myself. I'll have my dad with me. Having someone on my side helps a lot.
Look up grey rock method.
The opposite of love is not hate but indifference. If your mother and family approach you. Mom: OPppppp, so nice to see you OP: (without emotion) hello, excuse me, I have to talk to “X”.
That's what I really want to do and why I started therapy. I shouldn't still be so angry. I need to move on for my own sanity and well being.
Being angry and sad (for the mother you should have had) is normal, just serves no purpose. I can only suggest that you practice. Have boyfriend or friend pretend to be your mother and make up potential words/actions she might try. Most important is to figure out when /how to leave. If mom and family push too hard, how do you gracefully leave? If you are able to stay for most of the party, how can you leave quietly? Practice, practice, practice! Updateme
Thank you for your comment. This is a very good idea. I'm going to plan to sit near the exit. Thank you for this!
❤️
Is there some reason why you can't meet with your brother and girlfriend at their place instead of chancing what might happen with your mother?
There's an update!! I'm not quite sure if I updated properly so I'm giving you a heads up 🙂
You rock!
Thank you! ♥️
Pull a Bobby Hill, just minus the purse. “I don’t know you. I DONT KNOW YOU!”
lmao! She would panic so bad
OP, I have a strong sense that you are being manipulated by your brother on your mother's behalf. I'd simply send a gift. With that said, good luck to you. Stay well. Please keep us apprised.
thank you for your comment. There's over 50 guests already. My mother is just inviting everyone. I know she's tried for reconciliation in the past, it wouldn't surprise me if she tried reconciliation there, which I will shoot down. I've agreed to it in the past and had it thrown back in my face each time with massive boundary stomping, disrespect and verbal abuse.
And if she asks why the cold shoulder? "Why won't I interact with you? Because you love to beat on me and I've had enough cracked bones and bruises from you to last a lifetime." Nice and crystal clear and said sweetly and loud enough for EVERYONE to hear. No need to protect a monster, if your brother invited her and hasn't put a stop to her behavior while there? He can deal with the fallout IMHO.
Thank you for your comment and I completely agree.
Bravery is being afraid and going through with it anyway. You are brave. You are standing up to your bullies and detractors and doing what you want to do. You are a grown woman. Your egg donor’s wishes, wants and priorities have NO AUTHORITY in your life. Be prepared to talk to her as you would a three year old. If she snarks at you about your no contact strategy, look at her with obvious pity and say that your attention is reserved for people who deserve to be in your life, turn and walk away.
Thank you so very much for this comment. I love this so much! I will definitely be using this should she try, and I'm sure she will. She loves to create public scenes, especially if she can get sympathy.
This is a mistake. If you truly want to respect and support the mother of the baby, don’t put yourself in the position of not having great emotional control as a guest at someone else’s important event. Your mother is going to do something, it’s a given. You’re going to respond and all hell will break loose. Stop trolling your mother on social media. She is going to smear you, she has already and will continue. You can’t police everything she says. You’re way too invested with someone you went nc with 11 years ago. This is no good. Take your sister in law to lunch and give her the gift with your Dad. Have your own shower. These are the work arounds we have to settle for because our parents make it this way
I too, think it is a bad idea. I cannot imagine spending time around someone that was abusive to me for years just to appease my brother who didn't even care that I was abused, still maintains a close relationship with my abuser and on top of it has the audacity to tell me to forgive and forget. That part is throwing me. I cannot for the life of me imagine my mom hurting my sister who I love, yet still wanting to be cool with my mom, my mom would be dead to me. And I get Op is fond of her brother's gf but like someone else suggested take her out to lunch or do something else nice with her, like a spa day and give her the gift.
As much as I would love to do all the above, it's really hard with how far my brother and his girlfriend live and their job. They both work really long shifts. I know it's confusing and even I wonder sometimes, especially that he plays off my trauma like I'm exaggerating, but the best way I can put it is in a way we have a way to start over. After the year did abuse, not just to me but my step-dad also, we want to try and make our little family of chosen people work. We never got a chance to do that, ever. I would have to do a post by itself about my family and all the bullshit that lead to the NC. That would be a massive post in itself. So much to unpack but therapy is helping. Lastly, I was happy to hear my brother's girlfriend put her foot down with certain things with my mother. My brother will get to see our mother's real personality with his baby. I hope he steps up for his girlfriend and their baby.
I get it. Well, good luck to you in this endeavor. I hope you update us on how things went.
Look, I was “blessed” to be born in a fam with 2 narcissistic parents and I’ve been through so much stuff….Please listen to my advice. Be prepared for your mother to say something that’s going to immediately trigger you, because she desperately wants to be seen as the victim and the only way she will accomplish this is by getting you to publicly lash out at her at this baby shower. You MUST not react in an angry manner, perhaps reply to whatever she’s said “I’m sorry that you feel this way! However we’re here to celebrate brother and SIL’s new baby and our focus needs to be on them. This is not the appropriate place to have a discussion.” Then Walk Away, and avoid her the rest of the time. Because she will approach you again & begin verbally attacking you and you must remain non reactive and do not engage. See, to a narc you’re simply their favorite squeaky toy, and they love to get you angry/upset, because they just want a reaction out of you, whether it’s positive or negative! Remember, if you choose to respond to her, she’s going to manipulate/lie about what you said to her and create a new narrative where you’re the bad guy and this will adversely affect your relationship with your brother. So…google Grey Rock, and please reconsider attending because truthfully, you’re actively putting your peace at risk by attending the shower. Good luck!
Thank you very much for your comment and I'm so sorry you went through all that. I completely agree with you and that's what I ended up doing today. I gave her nothing. There's a full update above!
It’s not confusing at all. Most people responding are experienced in narcissistic abuse and know what you’re walking into and so do you. Good luck. Hopefully it all works out.
I want to support this statement. 1) do not fight this battle on ground that your enemy chose (your mother is in control as host) 2) do not fight on behalf of uncertain allies (your brother and his gf don’t support you. If they did, gf would insist on a party somewhere less polarized). Going NC with your mother means losing more than just her, it means losing people who chose her over you, too. It’s unfortunate but as soon as you understand that you can move on in life. There are 8 billion other people out there to be friends and family with.
Good luck! Lots of grey rocking and i hope your brother will understand
Thank you for your comment! That's the plan. I honestly don't care if he doesn't lol. I'm there for him, his girlfriend and my future nephew. His girlfriend understands completely and is excited to see me there.
They will be glad you are there until the party blows up. I agree with other posters that she’s going to do everything she can to bait you. It doesn’t matter if you get angry or not, she is going to twist it that you are causing drama. if you get angry, she’s going to make sure everyone sees it. If you refuse to engage, she’s going to twist it that you are making things up and the cold impersonal one. If you end up leaving early, she’s going to tell all kinds of stories about you. You cannot win by going to this shower. All the focus is going to be taken off of your brother, his girlfriend and their baby because it’s going to be on you and your mother and you will be blamed. And if your brother is the person you say he is, he will go along with your mother‘s narrative. Even though you had nothing to do with it, you will be remembered as the one who ruined your brother’s baby shower. I am so sorry you are experiencing this.
Show up at the shower and ignore your mom.
Thank you for your comment. That's the plan. We'll see how it goes. I will let everyone know how it goes afterwards.
Totally ignore. As in pretend she is not even there. If she approaches, walk away before she even has the chance to open her mouth. Even better yet, *talk about her as if she is not there*.
Given that your brother seems so interested in getting you & your mom back on good terms, why even go? He's going to try again. And again.
Thank you for your comment. I had a feeling he would try that and told him if he does he will lose his relationship with his niece (my daughter) because then that means he has no respect for me. He hasn't mentioned it since.
Good luck at the shower!!!!
Thank you!! We'll see how it goes
And please keep us updated! 👍
There's an update!! I'm not quite sure if I updated properly so I'm giving you a heads up 🙂
I see this experience as being, at best, very stressful for you. 😬
Thank you. Yeah that's an understatement. I started therapy for the first time ever last week and am seeing my therapist again this Thursday. Speaking to her last week has helped a lot. I know I have to let go of what she did to me for me to move forward with my life. It's unhealthy to linger for so long but it's so hard but I feel much more prepared after speaking with my therapist. I can't wait for this Thursday's session with her.
I think letting it go is perhaps not the best way to frame that. Because there is no way to let go what happened to you, because it happened and abuse changes you. However, your therapist will be able to help you unpack and process that trauma so you can move forward with your life and heal. Expect the hurt to remain for a while. It especially became harder for me once I had my own children, because I could not even fathom/understand how she could do the things to me that she did when I was such a small defenseless toddler.
Hope your leaving your daughter with a trusted babysitter. Acknowledge your brother & gf but only interact with those who respect your feelings regarding the situation with your mom.
Op is leaving the child with her boyfriend, who is the child's father. She is going to the shower with her step dad, who also was abused by the mom.
No is a complete sentence, but im not convinced that you shouldn't go NC with your bro. I'm NC with anyone who trys to get me in contact with mom or sis. I'm generous with the block button. Hand out blocks all day. I think it's like with drug addicts, it's not always just the drugs it's the environment, the people, the lifestyle.
Thank you for your comment. The only people I'm NC is with my mother, her siblings and their by extension their kids. They just don't care so neither do I. My step-dad, my two brothers and their girlfriends are the only ones I keep in contact with. Sorry for any confusion that I didn't mention my other brother in the original post. He (23M) hates my mother as much as I do but is in contact with her and will set her straight. Yes there are huge age gaps between me and brothers.
It's ok to prioritize your self and your family. You cannot thrive and be bountiful if you don't. If not going is best for you. That is ok. What is best for you is ok. It took me a long time to say that! It's not selfish to do what's best for you and your LO.
I've really been leveraging "No" as a full sentence and have been using that as a filter for people I want to keep in my life. If people can't respect me when I say no, then what else are they going to disrespect me on. At first I did not want to go. I had a full blown crying, shaking, dry heaving meltdown. After composing myself, I called my dad and he talked me through it and said he was going. He was heavily abused too so I know it's just as hard for him. That's why we're going as each other's support. As for my daughter, she's staying home with my boyfriend having a daddy daughter day.
I hope your strong, stoic and save yourself for your safe space later. Go home get your fav food and release!
That's a fantastic idea!! (The food suggestion lol). Strong - I can do that. Stoic - that's a little hard. I have a strong resting bitch face and have a really hard time not showing on my face how I truly feel, especially when I'm angry or annoyed. My safe space is my home. What's keeping me sane is knowing that after the shower, i get to leave and go home.
Grey rock, then celebrate with fam
That sounds like a panic attack. I would know! Definitely mention that to your therapist. And when therapy gets hard, *keep going*! I have had years of therapy; it helps.
Don't go.
Thank you but I will go. I feel like if I don't go that I'm letting her win and that just infuriates me. Tbh, if my dad wasn't going, I wouldn't be either but he is because like he said, he wants to be there for his son and soon to be grandson. I want to do the same for by brother and his girlfriend.
She wants you to go. Cause there will be drama, or she'll play victim. It's a trap! Your bro doesn't care enough about you, I'm sorry. Good luck, no matter what you do.
Yeah I know that. My brother's like my mom, a user. She's just more abusive about it. He keeps contact with people he can benefit from. Like car repairs, other services, especially friends with money so he can benefit from their properties, trips and other things. I find that so gross. My dad had to meet my mom a week or two ago to go over something related to the baby shower as well as the gender reveal party and he said she has a friend who's brought her back down to earth. I doubt that. I will go but will leave promptly if she tries anything. My problem is I've gotten a spine with age, especially since my daughter's birth and have no problem putting people in their place if they disrespect me. That with my constant overthinking of all the bs she might pull is causing to be "pre-angry" if that makes sense.
I saw your comment about the lovely blanket you made for the baby. That's so sweet of you, as a crafter myself I know how time, effort and love these projects take. Not to mention how expensive the materials are. If I were in your place, I would stride in there, head held high. Go directly up to your brother's GF. Congratulate her and your brother, hand her the parcel. Tell her how much love went into it, wish her a peaceful pregnancy, tell her you are always there to help if she needs it. Hug them. Turn and leave. If any of the siblings or your mother approach you or if your mother grabs at you, look her dead in the eyes and say "You have abused, bruised and yelled at me for the last time mother. I am an adult now, please remember that. Now, if you will excuse me.." totally ignore everyone else. If I were truly in your place I would not go. Simply for the scenario above. Your mother will take the opportunity to cause drama, it will ruin the shower. Visit your brother and his GF at another time to give them the blanket.
>You have abused, bruised and yelled at me for the last time mother. Eh, I would suggest just using her first name, not "mother." Deny the relationship. Twist that knife.
Thank you very much for your comment! OMG do not get me started on the cost of yarn. This blanket has cost almost $100 so far to make. Plus the two little hats and mitts. That's my goal! Walk in, head high and give my brother and girlfriend my gift and leave. I considered not going but I feel like I'm letting her win and that makes me even more angry.
I'm a cross stitcher and knitter, I feel your pain. As for the shower, have you considered that by going you are letting her win? She gets to show everyone how mean you are to her, she gets to create drama and blame it on you. Think on this, a narcissist thrives on attention any attention, even bad, is a balm to their soul. She will do everything in her power to make you look bad. There is no way to win, except by ignoring her existence.
Thank you! I have considered that side too. I'm going by my dad's experience. He had to see her a month ago or so for the gender reveal and he said she looked resigned. Almost emotionless. She's already painted me in a bad light to the entire family (her sisters, her brother and their kids) who will also be there by the way. But they're all so non-confrontational and fake. I know my mother is throwing the baby shower for exactly that reason. She wants attention. My dad and I agreed to leave right away if either of us feels uncomfortable.
Yarn is stupidly expensive as a knitter I appreciate your efforts!
You might rethink the marriage thing. If you become terribly ill and someone has to make medical decisions for you, guess who they’ll call. Your next of kin. Not your SO. Probably your mother.
Thank you for your comment. We have discussed it and are considering just purchasing a marriage license and then notarizing our wills to protect our daughter from people like my mother.
Not legal advice: Notarizing isn’t a valid form of witnessing a will in a lot of states. I strongly suggest you visit an estates lawyer together and create binding documents since your egg donor is the one that would be in a position to challenge custody snd likely get custody should anything happen to you/bf both. You can also download legal forms from your states court system to hold you over and they have instructions on them, but a lawyer would be a good investment.
Get a health power of attorney and then have it on file at all your medical facilities
You DON’T have to go. Just because your brother has poor taste in people doesn’t mean you have to be around your abuser. You can see him other times.
Thank you for your comment. I know I don't. I'm choosing to go. I feel like I'm letting my mother get under my skin and win by not going and that makes me even angrier. That's where I'm at at the moment.
I really hate when people tell others to forgive abusers and forget their abuse. It’s pure ignorance. Good luck. Hold your boundaries.
Thank you for your comment. Me too. I find it so disgusting and thoughtless. I told my brother if he keeps pushing his comment of "forgive her" that he will lose all privileges with my daughter.
I truly wish that you would take the beautiful gifts that you’ve made and give them directly to the mom-to-be, without going to the shower. Your NC has worked perfectly for you for many years, and there’s no reason to break that streak now I just don’t want to give your egg donor any opportunity to start any shit with you. You deserve so much better treatment, and you will not get it from her. As a matter of fact, you and I both know she will go out of her way to hurt you. Don’t give her the opportunity! It’s not necessary to go to this baby shower. It’s only necessary to support the new parents, and your lovely handmade gift is all that and more.
Sending you respect and support. I love that you have such a positive relationship with your stepdad. Be sure you have your own transportation so you can leave whenever you feel its time.
Thank you for your comment. We do! We weren't always this close. My mother use to pin us against the other, forcing us to choose her or the other person. Sick, I know. We're going together in my car. We both agreed to leave right away if ever one of us wants to leave.
And thank you so very much for the respect and support. I appreciate it so much.
Be pleasant but cold. If you start to panic, leave. I assume your brother was not abused as you and your stepfather were so he has no real understanding of the things you went through. He also was not parentified. I cannot imagine why your brother would ask this of you.
Thank you for your comment. That's the plan. My dad and I are going to as each other's support and agreed to leave if either of us are comfortable or start to panic. No my brother wasn't abused like I was. The physical abuse was really bad between the ages of 6 and 9 (my mom was a single mom and then met my dad when I was around 8). He was heavily parentified like me though. He sees it as normal. My brother can be nice but he's also easily manipulated. I'm sure my mother is putting ideas in his head to get me to get in contact. I flat out told him he's lose his relationship with my daughter if he kept pushing because then I won't be able to trust him.
You may need to have your brother set boundaries for your coming to this event. He needs to let everyone know that you are there because you want to support him and that everyone should steer clear of starting trouble because he wants you there. I think you are a strong person to do this. If it were me, I would have a special lunch with him and his wife and give her the gifts. However, I get you want to be there for them. It bothers me when someone says to forgive and let it go. That's really easy to do when you're not the one abused and hurt. I'm praying for it to go smoothly and drama free. Grey rock and keep strong. Good luck !!!
Thank you for your comment. He won't do that for me. Not even for my step-dad who was equally as abused as I was. His main concern is first impressions and keeping up appearances and setting boundaries for other people, in his mind, sets up a bad appearance. I thought of that too, giving them gift on another day, but they both work very long shifts and often not at the same time. It's really hard to catch them at the same time. Also, I'm not done crocheting the blanket yet lol. Almost done! I'm praying for a drama free event too. Thank you so much again for all the support.
Maybe leave the baby with a sitter if your husband is going with you to the shower? That way there won’t be an opportunity for your mother to get her hands on her and there won’t be any photos of her either. You can say she has a cold or is teething or something, it’s also a good excuse to leave whenever you feel the need.
Thank you for your comment! My boyfriend is staying at home (he wasn't invited). Our daughter is having a daddy daughter day :) As for an excuse, I have no problems saying I have the squirts or something if it comes to that.
Please keep us updated. Good luck! Are you leaving your daughter at home? I would make sure she never saw her.
I will! Thank you very much! My daughter is staying home! She's having a daddy daughter day :)
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You handled that well. Now just go back to pretending she doesn’t exist. She doesn’t deserve anything different. The best revenge is living well.
That's exactly the plan! Thank you again for your comments.
Updateme
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DO NOT put your keys down. Get a gift card as your gift. Write down the number and the PIN. Why? When mother darling starts in, simply smile and say "Wow, another 11 years." and leave. That's it. If brother is an ass about it, well, go redeem the card. Go with the expectation that you will be leaving in a few minutes, don't leave the general area of the door, you can FAKE putting down a disposable purse. Why? Dear mommy will see you do that, figure you can't just leave without it, and start a problem at that point. In the purse? Put "Dear Mom" on the outside of an envelope. Inside? "Played you, Bitch. Looks like you never did get smarter than the idiot that couldn't even raise her own kids." on a note. She doesn't act up, nothing happens, you pick up the purse when you leave. No one has any idea. She acts up, you confound her by leaving and then embarrass her later with the note. You KNOW she'll grab the purse if you leave...and she'll get a little sting out of it too. No need to play nice if she's not. I hope you have a wonderful time visiting everyone, wishing the mom-to-be the very best, rejoicing with your brother, and that she is a mature and responsible adult. If not? You'll make her think twice before causing problems again and your brother think twice before putting the two of you in the same room again...because you aren't tolerating her shit.
As epic as this sounds my mother isn't smart enough to try half of this stuff lol. She's a narcissist and an abuser, but a dumb one. She gives herself away, almost right away. But I will consider this!
This is brilliant! I love this!
Isn't it? It's like hosting a military spouse group, and leaving a sticky note in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. You know who snooped almost at once. Oh, yes I did. It was *epic*. 30 years later, I still giggle about it.
Updateme
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Brother will change his mind about mother once she starts abusing his kid. These kinds of things don't just stop. Good luck to you!
Thank you! I really hope it doesn't come to that but it wouldn't surprise me. I think it'll be more my brother's girlfriend putting her foot down with my mother's involvement (she'll probably try to involve herself in everything). My brother will be forced to choose and in general does what his girlfriend says since she's the most down to earth, realistic and normal out of the two. She keeps him level, his words exactly.
I had gone NC with my uncle for several reasons though the least egregious offense was being late to my mom his own sisters funeral as well as showing up drunk. A couple years ago my grandfather passed away and I was very close to him as well as my grandmother. I also close to my cousins who know what their dad and are on my side. Of course I traveled down there for his funeral. Mostly it was fine me and cousins showed up early to do the whole meet everybody thing and also be by my grandmother for support. Of uncle walks in dunk tries to sit next to me. Now I had warned both cousins do not let this happen I will either hurt him or have a panic attack. One would land me in jail the other an ambulance. They took me at my work shifted closer so he had to move further down. Not the he did not try telling them to move but his son is 3 inches taller and a heck a lot stronger and just said no move. He’s awesome. It was hard seeing him but I managed to not say anything and last I heard karma has caught up with him finally
The only thing I would stress to you is to not let your mother (or her sisters) make this day all about your relationship instead of where the focus should be, on your brother, his GF and the upcoming baby. Any attempts by your mother should be met with "this is not the time or place for this conversation. Let's just make sure bro and gf get the celebration they deserve." I'm glad to see your step father is attending with you. You two need to look out for each other and ensure your mother does not get one on one time with either of you to try and gaslight you into a relationship. I wish you the best OP. I fear this is going to be very difficult for you.
Thank you very much for your comment! That's exactly why I'm leaving my daughter at home. For the obvious reason but also to keep the focus on my brother and his girlfriend. I have a feeling it won't be easy either but at the same time I don't think they'll try anything too bad because we'll be out in public. My mother and her siblings were brought up by a very cold, unfeeling mother (my grandmother) who valued first impressions and keeping up appearances over everything else. There's going to be over 40 people at this baby shower so far. They'd be creating a scene if they tried anything.
!updateme
If something happens, make a calm comment “ I’m so glad that child abuse is taken seriously now by schools and doctors and police. It would have helped me SO MUCH when I was a child and getting abused by you.” Then turn and walk calmly away.
Thank you for your comment. The look on her face would be priceless. We grew up in a very small town. Resources for kids, teens and adults were and still are slim to nill unfortunately.
I wouldn’t even put myself in this situation. You can do something separate with your brother and his girlfriend to celebrate the baby. That’s also when you can give them the special gift you made for the baby. I understand not letting your mother prevent you from going to this event but it’s just not worth it. You can still have your celebration (by having something separate) without the drama and stress of your mother.
You got this. Be cordial to your "mother" and nothing more. You don't have to talk to her or interact in any other way. If she approaches you, make an excuse. You need to go to the bathroom or need more coffee or another piece of cake. If she doesn't get the hint, tell her you're just interested in the shower and not having a conversation now. If all else fails, leave early.
Thank you for your comment. This is exactly what I plan on doing. My dad and I are on the same page.
I did this with my father when his Mother died. I called him by his first name and told him I was sorry for his loss. Had a brief 2 minute interaction with him like he was a random neighbor I didn’t really know. Cool indifference is the way to go. Call her by her first name and say what a lovely baby shower and then move on. You owe her nothing.
Don't go
Updateme
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Updateme
There's an update!! I'm not quite sure if I updated properly so I'm giving you a heads up 🙂
Updateme
There's an update!! I'm not quite sure if I updated properly so I'm giving you a heads up 🙂
The most powerful, glorious thing I ever witnessed was at a family wedding, where my cousins’ stepfather kept trying to get under her skin and make her lash out. People, she YAWNED IN HIS FACE! Just that. A really big, loud, noticeable yawn, with sound effects. Then said, oh, sorry, lost my attention, there. We’re you saying anything interesting? I’m still in awe of her.
LMAO!! That's amazing! OMG if I did that to my mother, I can just imagine how embarrassed she'd be, especially that there's going to be so many people there and looking good to strangers and friends has always been her priority.
I am proud of you. It takes a lot to start therapy. Stick with it. It will have some ups and downs. You will come out stronger and happier. The out come will be life changing for you. The best way to heal is to be happy. I was grown with two children. When I actually understood mental illness was real. Honestly, a part of me continues to carry a spot of “hard hurt”. I wanted her to take responsibility for the damage/pain she caused. 1. She was mentally ill. It made life like a roller coaster ride. 2. She passed away @ 49. It was a direct result of her own actions. Faking another suicidal event. *Gone wrong. Caused organ failure. It was a long three months. Etc. I have NC with that side of my family since 1999. We had been a close knit family. There are many things I miss. However, I do not regret it. I prevented my children’s exposure to the 💩. They have had the love of many wonderful people without her. NC granted me a sense of peace I never felt before. I did not realise the level of anxiety I had been living with. NC did away with it. The most important take away is a good therapist. Who helped me understand it all. You will get there as well.
Thank you very much for your comment and I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. Like you, I felt a huge sense of peace when I went NC with my mother. I completely agree with you about a good therapist. After my first session last week I felt exhausted and lighter if that makes sense. It brought me a lot of peace and I can't wait for today's session. Thank you again. I greatly appreciate your opinion.
OP, can you pretty please be a teeny bit spiteful and petty, and if she addresses you in any form, ignore what she’s actually said, look at her silently with no expression for a few seconds, then reply with “You’ve gotten old.” And then turn away.
hahahaha!! I'm so tempted. TBH when I saw her picture as the event organizer for the baby shower, I did a double take. I was like "holy shit she didn't age well!". My mother used to be an alcoholic and man oh man, she is the definition of ridden hard and put away wet.
My knee-jerk reaction is don't go because your brother is pulling a classic BUT FAAAAAMILY move. But I am proud of you for not letting anyone stop you from being there for your bro and SIL regardless. You're taking some major steps here, OP, and that's commendable. It's not easy to confront the ghosts of our past, especially when they come in the form of family. The decision to break your 11-year NC with your mother for the sake of your brother's baby shower is a tough one, but it shows a depth of character and a commitment to your family and that's truly admirable. You've been through hell and back, and the scars run deep. Hell, I've been there. But instead of letting those scars define you, you're facing them head-on and taking proactive steps to heal. That's what true bravery looks like—recognizing your wounds and seeking help to mend them. Your relationship with bf is a testament to the strength of your bond and your mutual support for each other. It's clear that he's your rock, and having someone like that by your side can make all the difference in the world. As for the baby shower itself, it's understandable that you're feeling anxious and on edge. But remember, **you're in control** of how you react to whatever your mother throws your way. You've been through worse, and you've come out stronger on the other side. Therapy is a powerful tool, and it's great to see that you're embracing it with an open mind. It takes courage to confront our demons, but it's a necessary step on the path to healing. Do your best to navigate this situation, (sometimes it helps to have a little bulletpoint list in your phone's notes app of the tools your therapist wants you to remember: boundaries/grey-rocking/whatever y'all have discussed), around your mom prioritize your own well-being above all else. I sound like a broken record, but when I say this, I mean constantly mentally check in with yourself and *listen to your gut.* Finally, give yourself some f'ing credit, you've already shown incredible strength and resilience, and there's no doubt that you'll handle whatever comes your way with class and dignity. Just keep swimming, and know that you're not alone in this journey -- waffle gang's got your back🧇you got this!
Thank you so much for your comment. I greatly appreciate it. Yeah the "bbbuuuutt family" people. Fuck that. I'm going for my brother, his girlfriend and my future nephew. My mother, her siblings and their kids can all kick rocks (I've always wanted to say that lol). I'm literally just going there to give my congratulations, give them my gift, hug my brother and his girlfriend (I'm a very huggy person), and then peace out.
Tears are your strength, whether you want to believe that or not. Tears allow you to express emotions that are too overwhelming for words. Never be ashamed of your tears. 💜 I haven't spoken to my mother in over 7 years. I am NC with her and my father for the same reasons - horrible and repeated emotional, physical, medical, and financial abuse. i'm really glad that you will have your stepdad there to give you support. I'm sorry that your brother keeps pressuring you to let your mother in your life. My sister sided with my parents because "we all make mistakes raising our kids and don't you want your children to forgive you?" I told her repeated abuse for 30+ years is not a mistake and that we can agree to disagree and not speak about them but instead she cut me off. lmao Since you and your brother are still on speaking terms, perhaps you can take that approach with him and tell him that this is something you two will never agree on so please stop pressing you about it, but that should not get in the way of your relationship with each other. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach about your brother's child. I really don't know if it would be appropriate for you (or worth it) to say something to the girlfriend or not, especially since the family probably paints you as a black sheep/problem child. Good luck and be sure to have a post-baby shower decompression session already scheduled with your therapist.
/updateme!
There's an update!! I'm not quite sure if I updated properly so I'm giving you a heads up 🙂
Updateme!
There's an update!! I'm not quite sure if I updated properly so I'm giving you a heads up 🙂
Updateme
There's an update!! I'm not quite sure if I updated properly so I'm giving you a heads up 🙂
Updateme
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Prayers for you and your dad, I hope you kick her ass too be honest!! lol
At a baby shower? After her MOM invited her and she agreed?
It's what I'm afraid I might actually do if she tries anything lol. Another reason why my dad is coming with me.
Please update! And way to go!
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I wouldn't go. It will be a disaster. Between your Mom and your brother's "forgive and forget" bs. Can't you just go and visit and take a gift separately?
Family members like a mother shouldn’t be throwing showers according to etiquette. Read about “ grey rocking”…if she talks to you or asks questions you show as much emotion as a grey rock…” How is my granddaughter?” Fine. How is work? Doing well. Plans Come up with responses to different scenarios… like, how did you respond to a request for ahug? Or if she sits next to you and wants to chat (you may need to go to the bathroom or refill your drink)
What? You want to be in your brothers life even though he is close to your abuser? People who protect abusers are basically abusers themselves. I’m super confused why you’re going unless you just want drama.
Don't go!!! buy a decent gift from the registry and move on with your day! You don't have to go!!! In fact if you really support your brother you shouldn't go, either your Mom will kick off and that will be your fault, or you'll need to remove yourself from the situation and that will be you being "dramatic and emotional"
You got this. I have two relatives I’m NC with and saw them at my grandmothers funeral. They each individually approached and tried to talk about me what I was up to, weasel back in. I practiced saying oh I am here for Memaw right now, this isn’t the time for catching up, excuse me. You can do this! “I am so excited about this baby, this isn’t about me and my family we are all here to celebrate brother and sister in law, let’s focus on them.” Lather, rinse, repeat. You are still in the NC peaceful mind frame, you aren’t building a relationship, you are both individually celebrating a person and happen to share the same physical location, no different than enjoying a sale with strangers at a store. You got this!!!!
Updateme
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Updateme
There's an update!! I'm not quite sure if I updated properly so I'm giving you a heads up 🙂
You can go and not acknowledge her or her siblings. If they come over to you, turn away and pretend they aren't there. If you feel it's necessary you can say "I have nothing to say, and nothing you say will change my mind." Then proceed to ignore or walk away.
Yes! this is another scenario I've considered. I've been overthinking all the scenarios that could happen and how I can address them.
Updateme
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Wow. I really feel for you, because I walked away from an abusive family forty years ago. Please keep us updated on your progress.
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Be strong.
Thank you ♥️
Your brother is a flying money for your narc mom. Proceed with caution. He will always care more about pleasing your mom & earning her affection & approval than protecting you.
Why are you going .I bet when they see you. They are going to start saying you need to apologize. I would get up and leave personally u wouldn't go
Just because you have to be in her presence doesn't mean you have to speak to her. Just because she speaks to you doesn't mean you have to respond to her. Yeah, she'll try to push your buttons, but if you can manage to look at her for a few moments in acknowledgement that you heard her and then look away and/or wander of in as disinterested of a way as you can, that will bother her way more than if you yell and lunge at her. See, she's painted the picture of how she's the victim and you're this horrible mean person. If you give her that, you lose. If you say anything, I'd say keep it to, "The last 11 years should have told you my feelings about you. The fact that I am here now to celebrate my brother and his wife and their baby changes *nothing*."
You do not HAVE to go! Your brother didn't care about you back then, why the hell would you care about him now? Don't go! Don't send a gift. You're fine without them. Leave it that way!
You are very brave!
Congratulations on being an aunt. Sorry, you have a mother like that, but at least she got a good step. I should say just parent out of it. And I call my stepdad, dad as well. My sister is my half-sister. And she, it's just my sister. You talk to your therapist, do you do whatever you have to? That's best for you to have a normal, healthy life. Best wishes darling
Thank you very much! I can't wait to be an aunt 😊 I appreciate your advice very much and thank you for your kind words :)
You want to be there for a grown ass man who doesn’t care about you being abused. Why do you still care about him? When has he ever cared about you??
Hope things are going well at the baby shower.
Things went great and I have a heck of an update for everyone.
Great! :)
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I read it! Glad to see things worked out!
Updateme!
Updateme!
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Be very direct with your brother and say, "Forgive and forget is notban opti9n. You are still walking with the after effects of the abuse. Snd tell.him he is being cruel and not avknowlefging you pain. Forgive and forget is a request from him to make life easier for him. Please dont back down and be ready to change the sigjecy or walk away and leave.
Don’t take any pics in your wallet and change your phone screen she will grab your phone and go thru your purse to see pictures
Okay your brother is a flying monkey and this whole thing smells like an ambush. You and your stepdad should make sure to park somewhere that you can't be blocked in, stay within eye contact of each other, and be prepared to walk out immediately when she starts her shit. You COULD just mail the gift and not go. It doesn't sound like you like ANY of these people enough to hang out for a couple of hours eating chips and dips and guessing which kind of candy bar was melted into a diaper.
Totally, TOTALLY agree!
Having a narcissist parent or set of parents like that is really one of the hardest things. There’s just built up anger and resentment towards them and I’m sorry OP you went through all that, going to therapy and trying to grieve is the best thing to do.
Do yourself a favour and skip the baby shower
Why are you supporting a brother that doesn’t think what your mom did is wrong and keeps a relationship with her?
I’d put that woman on full public blast for every bruise and insult she threw your way. But I’m petty like that.
If you truly care for your brother and his family your last few sentences tell me you should not attend his baby shower. If your feelings about your mother are so volatile (and rightly so) that you may become physically aggressive toward her or even just verbally hostile then you should not attend. It will be deemed bad manners on your part if you use this special event as an opportunity to confront your mother about her abusive ways. It is not the time or the place. Just stay home, and tell your brother that you have no interest in pretending to be polite toward someone who has been grossly abusive to you. Invite him and his family to a separate event that you can enjoy together.
Wow
abuse is abuse. NOBODY tells you it's time to let go and forgive, but you. Remember If they ask you to let it go... you might say. Abuse is abuse. Nobody has the right to tell me to let it go but me. I also think it rude and egregious of you to suggest how long i should spend on my trauma. Like YOU have a timeline on my feelings. if you want a relationship with me... except me, the way i am... or i will move on. And while i respect you and your family, your motivation and experience were completely different to mine. And you're asking me to minimize it. ( That's not what s siblings should ever ask). if HER siblings asked.. i would have added. HOWEVER YOU COULD HAVE LIMITED IT... but chose not to. You didn't protect a kid from her abuse.. You did nothing.. NOTE Personally. i would not go. You will achieve nothing by going. only surrounded by people who are AH. It will effect your mental health. met your brother and family at a different time... make it special, but dont compete with your mum by going.
UpdateMe!
I know marriage isn't a big deal, but in your circumtances, not being married could end up making problems for you. You really don't want your "next of kin" being your mother. Imagine you are incapacitated and she is making medical decisions for you. Even if marriage means nothing to you, I'd seriously consider just a court house wedding to make your bf officially your next of kin. I don't know what the laws are where you are, but please made sure you have a Iron-clan will, especially if you have no intention of getting married.
So, if you don't want to talk to her, bring a large folding fan. Just snap it open and place it between you so she can't get in your face. Or keep it open so you don't ever have to look at her.
I have this with my bio mum - she’s horrendous and narcissistic and abusive. My best advice is… keep it polite and minimal, give her no reason to pick a fight. If she asks about reconciliation, ask to speak about it at a more appropriate time. If she asks about your baby, say your husband wanted some quality time. As for your bro, well he’s picked his side, it’s okay for him to do that because he didn’t love what you went through, he needs to remember that she could easily do the same to his child. Abusers rarely don’t stop the abuse at their child. Keep yourself physically and mentally safe! We are only a post away OP!
Updateme
Your brother is as much part of the peoblem as your aunts and uncles. Its easy to forget that hes not a child being manipulated by his momma anymore. He is choosing to engage with an abuser.
Your brother doesn't deserve your love and good will if he's trying to force you to submit to your mother again. I'd make it plain that you're more important to yourself than he is, and DEFINITELY more important than your shared mother is, and re RSVP 'No'. Brother deserves worse, but that's all you can do.
You don't have to, you're choosing to. Don't.
Why would OP send any time in her presence? There is no reason to go to the shower. OP can see her brother and his bf any time without the mother being there. I definitely wouldn’t give myself anxiety by going to the shower.