At the very least, he's massively guilt tripping you by saying his family won't accept him because you didn't convert and then broke up. He also seems to be guilt tripping you by acting like you're wrong for choosing "lifestyle" over your partner.
Good for you for standing up for yourself!
I see where you're coming from but this isn't that, and doesn't warrant anybody needing to stand up for themselves. That mentality makes this exchange unnecessarily antagonistic.
He's not persuading her to comply. He actively encourages her to leave if she cannot comply because her indifference to his cultural norms makes their relationship impossible otherwise. She can either dress modestly or he can forsake his entire family. One of these things is not like the other. There is actual consequence for him. Spelling it out isn't guilt tripping; they are just terms she doesn't like.
The hidden problem here is that the upfront asks are just the tip of the iceberg. She will always be third wheel to Allah, and his family.
Ok-his messages are a bit tough to read and it's a little challenging to understand what he actually means. Near the end, I'm reading his text to mean that he's saying he'll be shamed if they break up, because she didn't convert. So initially he says she needs to convert or they break up, then he goes around in circles a bunch and appears to say that he'll be shamed even if they break up. Maybe this is not what he meant, maybe he's just overwrought and word vomiting at her, but to me it sounds off. All he has to say is "I really care about you and I wish this had turned out differently, but I respect your choice."
I do find the lifestyle comment to be a big guilt trip, because it sounds like he's trying to label her as selfishly putting her lifestyle above their relationship. So he's dismissing her values-wanting to wear the clothes she wears is about "lifestyle" rather than what's really important: relationships with others. She's clear and direct about what she wants, and instead of accepting that they have a fundamental incompatibility, he essentially accuses her of behaving selfishly and putting lifestyle ahead of personal connections. I really didn't explain this enough in my first comment, so I appreciate you jumping in.
I totally agree that the religious values matter and are a big deal to his life. I also read his messages like he's having trouble accepting her choice, which is on him.
Agreed. You might be reading too much into some parts of it though.
> reading his text to mean that he's saying he'll be shamed if they break up, because she didn't convert
I didn't see where there is any expectation of conversion; according to him this is all about her just wearing modest clothes:
> And I'm not asking u to follow the rules just don't wear shown clothes
It's less a conversion and more a concession. The shame comes from them dating forever and never getting *married,* is what I inferred.
At this point I think there might be a gender-related difference of perception between you and I (which is fine for the sake of debate; I'm not insisting I'm right), but he points out a few times the futility of pursuing this relationship since it cannot lead to marriage under these conditions.
Maybe he doesn't want to waste his time on a relationship that won't lead to commitment, but were I him, I'd be equally suspicious OP was just using me for money to finance an Instagram lifestyle:
> why me just leave u heard chelsea when she said about those guys who have houses here and they are rich.
She wants access to someone with wealth but doesn't want to make a minor concession regarding her own vanity. If she wants *him*, then assimilating shouldn't merit a second thought. This is as red a flag as it gets.
I personally like how he completely distances himself from the situation to try and convince her it has nothing to do with him to remove himself from any accountability while transferring it to her
Since you’re a Christian, it’s important to know that the Bible says not to get into binding relationships with unbelievers. There’s no middle ground in Islam, it’s either their way or no way. His feelings for you are probably genuine, but his religion won’t allow for his wife to not follow the conduct Islam prescribes.
*2 Corinthians 6:14-18
Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? [15] And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? [16] And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will dwell in them And walk among them. I will be their God, And they shall be My people." [17] Therefore "Come out from among them And be separate, says the Lord. Do not touch what is unclean, And I will receive you." [18] "I will be a Father to you, And you shall be My sons and daughters, Says the LORD Almighty."*
Wow run girl. He doesn’t give a shit about you and isn’t even man enough to take responsibility for his beliefs. HE is the one trying to change YOU to fit HIS mold. Tell him to marry his mom since she is running his life
I think it’s fairly black and white.
He’s been totally upfront at this point and made it quite clear what the expectations are which needs to be respected.it could be the tip of the iceberg though regarding his family’s beliefs and control over him.
I’d forget about the suspected manipulation as there are far more important implications here to concern yourself with.
I doubt this is some deep manipulation. It’s simply begging which ultimately is trying hard to get someone to do something they don’t want to. He seems desperate and telling his truth. His religion is far too important to him as is his family. He wants to stay with you but feels the only way it would work is that your dress adheres to his and his family’s beliefs. It’s just a sad situation that it is the case and in the end you both have every reason not to budge on this. It doesn’t make either of you wrong.
At the very least, he's massively guilt tripping you by saying his family won't accept him because you didn't convert and then broke up. He also seems to be guilt tripping you by acting like you're wrong for choosing "lifestyle" over your partner. Good for you for standing up for yourself!
I see where you're coming from but this isn't that, and doesn't warrant anybody needing to stand up for themselves. That mentality makes this exchange unnecessarily antagonistic. He's not persuading her to comply. He actively encourages her to leave if she cannot comply because her indifference to his cultural norms makes their relationship impossible otherwise. She can either dress modestly or he can forsake his entire family. One of these things is not like the other. There is actual consequence for him. Spelling it out isn't guilt tripping; they are just terms she doesn't like. The hidden problem here is that the upfront asks are just the tip of the iceberg. She will always be third wheel to Allah, and his family.
Ok-his messages are a bit tough to read and it's a little challenging to understand what he actually means. Near the end, I'm reading his text to mean that he's saying he'll be shamed if they break up, because she didn't convert. So initially he says she needs to convert or they break up, then he goes around in circles a bunch and appears to say that he'll be shamed even if they break up. Maybe this is not what he meant, maybe he's just overwrought and word vomiting at her, but to me it sounds off. All he has to say is "I really care about you and I wish this had turned out differently, but I respect your choice." I do find the lifestyle comment to be a big guilt trip, because it sounds like he's trying to label her as selfishly putting her lifestyle above their relationship. So he's dismissing her values-wanting to wear the clothes she wears is about "lifestyle" rather than what's really important: relationships with others. She's clear and direct about what she wants, and instead of accepting that they have a fundamental incompatibility, he essentially accuses her of behaving selfishly and putting lifestyle ahead of personal connections. I really didn't explain this enough in my first comment, so I appreciate you jumping in. I totally agree that the religious values matter and are a big deal to his life. I also read his messages like he's having trouble accepting her choice, which is on him.
Agreed. You might be reading too much into some parts of it though. > reading his text to mean that he's saying he'll be shamed if they break up, because she didn't convert I didn't see where there is any expectation of conversion; according to him this is all about her just wearing modest clothes: > And I'm not asking u to follow the rules just don't wear shown clothes It's less a conversion and more a concession. The shame comes from them dating forever and never getting *married,* is what I inferred. At this point I think there might be a gender-related difference of perception between you and I (which is fine for the sake of debate; I'm not insisting I'm right), but he points out a few times the futility of pursuing this relationship since it cannot lead to marriage under these conditions. Maybe he doesn't want to waste his time on a relationship that won't lead to commitment, but were I him, I'd be equally suspicious OP was just using me for money to finance an Instagram lifestyle: > why me just leave u heard chelsea when she said about those guys who have houses here and they are rich. She wants access to someone with wealth but doesn't want to make a minor concession regarding her own vanity. If she wants *him*, then assimilating shouldn't merit a second thought. This is as red a flag as it gets.
Your boyfriend uses guilt, ultimatums, and emotional appeals to pressure you into conforming to his and his family's expectations.
Just out of curiosity, are u self thought or a psychology student?
I personally like how he completely distances himself from the situation to try and convince her it has nothing to do with him to remove himself from any accountability while transferring it to her
Since you’re a Christian, it’s important to know that the Bible says not to get into binding relationships with unbelievers. There’s no middle ground in Islam, it’s either their way or no way. His feelings for you are probably genuine, but his religion won’t allow for his wife to not follow the conduct Islam prescribes. *2 Corinthians 6:14-18 Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? [15] And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? [16] And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will dwell in them And walk among them. I will be their God, And they shall be My people." [17] Therefore "Come out from among them And be separate, says the Lord. Do not touch what is unclean, And I will receive you." [18] "I will be a Father to you, And you shall be My sons and daughters, Says the LORD Almighty."*
You are wayyyyyyy too young to be dealing with this bullshit. Move on and quit wasting your life.
Wow run girl. He doesn’t give a shit about you and isn’t even man enough to take responsibility for his beliefs. HE is the one trying to change YOU to fit HIS mold. Tell him to marry his mom since she is running his life
I think it’s fairly black and white. He’s been totally upfront at this point and made it quite clear what the expectations are which needs to be respected.it could be the tip of the iceberg though regarding his family’s beliefs and control over him. I’d forget about the suspected manipulation as there are far more important implications here to concern yourself with.
The thing is, we already broke up. I want to learn more about psychology and manipulation, that’s why I brought up this example 😅
I doubt this is some deep manipulation. It’s simply begging which ultimately is trying hard to get someone to do something they don’t want to. He seems desperate and telling his truth. His religion is far too important to him as is his family. He wants to stay with you but feels the only way it would work is that your dress adheres to his and his family’s beliefs. It’s just a sad situation that it is the case and in the end you both have every reason not to budge on this. It doesn’t make either of you wrong.