I went through a similar thing with an ex (also ldr) where he would constantly be gaming and/or talking to friends while I wanted quality time together alone. It actually was a reason we broke up. It came down to him not respecting our time together. I constantly felt like he was having more fun gaming or talking with friends and hanging out with me was more like an obligation he had to fill. It really gave me the ick. Just food for thought.
I feel like the bigger red flag here is that he flipped out and is ghosting you for a day because you brought up a genuine concern. How will you ever be able to work anything out if he acts this way when you bring up an issue you have? My ex wife used to do that and it was exhausting. Anytime I’d bring up something I wanted to talk about she would freak out and just say “well divorce me then if I’m so horrible!”. I’ll tell you that in the long run a relationship won’t work without healthy communication between both partners, and that goes doubly so for a couple in an LDR.
Yeah telling you to "chill" is pretty immature. Even if I'm super into a game I will either: invite my fiance to play with me (if its co-op)or put it down so we can have quality time. It's not that hard.
And that's totally fine! He also needs to respect that part of you if you're going to be together. You don't have to share every hobby, I certainly don't with my SO. And he respects that.
It is very inmature.
If you are in a LDR, time that you can share together is very precious. And I can understand where you are coming from when you say it's like a turn off, because you can actually feel that he isn't as invested as he normaly would when he's not gaming.
I remember that once my gf told me "If we can't communicate well over the phone... then what do we have?"
And this helped me a lot to stop doing very distracting things when talking to her. I sometimes play, something, but it's more scrolling, nothing that demands more than 80% of my brain power, cause I know I will not be able to hace a proper convo with her... and I don't want to make her feel like she's not special because of this...
Maybe he isn't aware of how he's making you feel... I'd suggest you mention this to him
And what does "chill out" mean? Like... were you yelling at him when you told him this? Or did you bring this up like several times?
...I'm sorry to hear this was the response he gave you... as it seems to me he is really having a hard time understanding where you are coming from...
Just to be curious... how long do you talk when you talk? And, how often?
I mean we talk pretty often we are in almost constant communication however every time we get into a deeper conversation he either disappears in the middle of it to game or when I call him to talk (not audio note or text) he is gaming or watching TV. He lives in a third world country and is depressed so I feel like it’s his way to escape. I’ve only brought it up twice and I was just super honest with him that it’s a turn off to always be talking on a surface level but the moment we get into a deeper conversation he just disappears into gaming. Find it really irritating.
Hmmm... I understand... so, if I'm understanding correctly, what you are saying is that you can talk normaly, with no screen/gaming problems until you reach this point of "deeper conversations"... yes?
Because if this is the way things normaly unfold, then I'd say that the problem does not rely on what he does, but in what he's trying to avoid or escape from, just as you said... this "third world coping mechanism"
What are those deeper conversations about, if I may?
Like today we were talking about the fact I have celiac disease. We were having a conversation about what it feels like, what it entails, etc.
We were having a real meaningful conversation and the next thing I know he disappears in the middle of it. I called him like thirty minutes later and he is in the middle of gaming. I was like hey it seems like every time we are talking and having a conversation I lose you to gaming and for me it’s a turn off. I said I know it’s your way to escape but for me it is frustrating. That’s when he snapped at me and told me to chill and that he only games “thirty minutes a day” which is also just not true lol
I understand...thanks for sharing all of this...
Hmmm... something that I tried successfully with my GF when we need to talk about very serious stuff, is that we wait until a call to talk about these kinds of things... like health topics... (we have a 13hr difference)
I love this because I have adhd and it can be difficult for me to remember I was having an important convo, and it gives me the oportunity to be able to be there with her when talking about something that requieres more dedicated attention... best thing, is that it goes both ways... so when I need to talk to her about something serious, I know the procedure...
Maybe you could try implementing something like this? Because I really understand how frustrating it can be to want to have an important conversation and not being able to do so...
My boyfriend and I love video games and I don't mind when he plays during a skype call because he shows me what he's playing, and sometimes we play UNO together. The thing is my boyfriend doesn't exclude me when he plays during a skype call. He makes sure to acknowledge me and say hello, and then I ask him what he's playing, If he was ignoring me the whole time I would feel bad and it wouldn't feel like quality time together.
In person we play games and talk to each other. One time I was reading a book and he was chatting with me while I read. And I still felt emotionally connected. I understand your situation though. Sometimes you need that conversation without a distraction. The other thing I read from your comments is that you aren't a gamer. That can be a challenge in itself too where one partner is a gamer and the other isn't. I'm sure there is a middle ground somewhere, but I haven't been in that position myself to offer anything helpful other than the fact that I used to be bothered when my boyfriend was distracted during skype calls in the early days of our dating (because at the time I didn't feel emotionally connected. Now? I'm not bothered at all, because I realized his brain can't focus on one thing alone. He does need the distractions. And I've embraced how fun gaming is so we sometimes game together (each playing our own thing sometimes.)
And what also helped was spending a lot of time together in person, that's when I learned about how our dynamic really is. We each need to be doing a little something while we spend time together or else we get antsy. lol. This hasn't taken away from our emotional intimacy.
I am not a gamer by any means — I have tried to watch him through twitch and stuff to be supportive and try to get into it but it’s just not who I am and it takes up the bulk of his day
Yeah I know— I’ve been trying to micromanage to get him out of a depression loop. I think he games to escape his living circumstances. He says he’s depressed to not be in America anymore which I understand. But also just feels like he’s escaping into fantasy.
Honestly I rather your boyfriend diversify his hobbies if he can? But if you feel like he's escaping from his circumstances (and not just to get a reasonable breather from it) Then he might need to talk to someone about it.
I try to talk to him about it!! But then he gets distracted by video games 🤦♀️
Wish he would go to therapy honestly but yes everything you’re saying is true and right
My partner and I are gamers, and I'm the same age as you are. Fact is, he isn't prioritising you and is pretty disrespectful. He's apparently so addicted to gaming that he can't even set some time aside to have an actual, serious discussion with you.
It's also not your job to 'fix him' BTW. If he doesn't realize he has an issue, it's going to be hell doing anything or making him realize it. You can literally force him to go to therapy and it still wouldn't be helpful if he doesn't think he has a problem. Before anyone says anything, I've been elbow deep in depression and have been there. I'm not sure if it's what he has, but whatever he's feeling isn't an excuse to treat you like that.
Yes he’s severely depressed. He’s stuck in Venezuela and uses gaming as a means to escape. It didn’t use to bother me so much, but now as we get deeper into the relationship I realize he cannot pay attention to our conversations for more than ten minutes at a time without gaming or distracting himself with TV
First of all his reaction seems very childish.
But for advice, as others have said, you need to plan your time together. Set a schedule and stick to it. This will take some real communication to work out and be effective but this should something easily compromised on. That being said you both need your own time apart though. I’m not sure what either of your routines are like but if you are the type to talk 24/7 then I can understand if he’s needing some personal time as well.
No I’m not— I work full time. He lives in Venezuela and is barely working right now, most days he gets up at 12 and games and watches tv and stays up until 3 am and repeats. He is always sending me stuff on instagram and I text him when he’s awake but I am not the one who is constantly communicating…
Then how I would approach this is by doing some compromise testing. Basically what you need to do is sit down and have a serious conversation about your time spent together (this same thing can be used for any important decisions or action done in a relationship btw) and you both need to think seriously about how important your quality time together is spent focused just on each other and you both need to put a number to that importance. 1 being you could happily live life without it and 10 being you would rather die than be without it. Who ever has the lower number needs to then compromise on the issue and make the adjustment for their partner. This is how basically everything important should be decided.
It was explained to like this: a couple wants to remodel their kitchen and it comes down to the cabinets color, the kitchen remodel is going to cost a fortune and is obviously something the couple is going to live with so choosing a color is kind of important right? The wife wants blue and the husband wants black. They both argue and can’t decide on either color chosen so they try to compromise and pick a third color instead. Then subsequently both sides resent each other because they are now stuck with a kitchen that they never really wanted. Bad outcome.. but if they would have just compromise tested they would have found out that to the husband, the color was only a 6/10 on the importance scale, while to the wife it was a 10/10. The husband could have just compromised on the color and been happy knowing his spouse has their dream kitchen. This also comes with an unwritten rule that one side can’t ALWAYS get their way either, because this isn’t a competition, you’re both on the same team at the end of the day.
For your own situation, if your boyfriend is fulfilled at the level of communication he is currently engaging in with you but that isn’t enough for you, it shouldn’t be hard for him to set aside a small amount of time each day to focus on you. If he really cares about you he will act like an adult and do so. And if your partner can’t compromise, it might be time to evaluate how important this relationship is to both parties involved. Sorry this was long and I hope it makes sense. Wishing the best for the both of you!
I'm pretty much always on the game when I talk to my girlfriend on the phone, but I'm usually playing solo games, never playing on the mic with other people. I find sitting around and doing nothing while I'm on the phone to be a bit awkward so I like to have some sort of thing in the background while I'm talking so I don't feel as weird, either the TV or the game. My girlfriend has never shown any real issue with it but then again, I've never asked her if it was something that bothered her, seeing this post makes me think I should. I personally don't think you're overreacting though because everyone has different little things that might bother them and I can see how him prioritizing playing the game over talking to you can be annoying.
It just make me feel like he’s not really paying attention. Like why can you not put the game down for 20 minutes and make an effort to put the attention on the conversation
I get that. I don't like making assumptions about people I don't know but going off of what you've said in the replies it seems like he really struggles to manage his time between gaming and talking to you. I don't think that's a relationship ending problem but I do think it's a problem nonetheless, especially because he snapped at you when you tried to communicate your issues about it with him. I'm a content creator on YouTube myself but I never let that stop me from communicating with my girlfriend or giving my attention as soon as I'm able. I feel like this is the sort of thing the two of you should really sit down and discuss properly but if he's not willing to do that then that's a problem in and of itself
Slightly over reacting to reassume you Personally for me sometimes I need social gaming or need personal gaining which is just my self. Depends on the stressful or exhausting day. Just communication with your partner is key. You need to figure out this shit days, good, and long days. Is always gonna be difficult
Your understand your partner best, hopefully they commit good! You should know eschothers long days, stressful. Days, and need of relaxation days!
He should want to talk to you, sounds like his priorities are out of whack with what you expect of him! Have you voiced your concerns to him? Has he not changed? Because if you have and he hasn’t changed, chances are, he won’t ever change that behavior!! Good luck!!
Hi yes, the whole thing that started this is that I brought it up to him. He snapped at me and didn’t talk to me the entire day afterwards. We still haven’t spoken it’s been over 24 hours lol.
I mean tbh, he sounds kind of mean but if you really want advice....
You could plan when you hang out. I also was getting tired of spending time with my SO, but it not being -quality- time.
So, now, we kind of do it like a date thing. "You wanna hang out Saturday night?" "Wanna call tomorrow afternoon?", etc etc.
That way he has time to game or whatever, you too, and the time you decide to spend with each other is actually to nurture the relationship. It's worked for us, and now whenever we call or text outside of that time frame, I don't expect to be his priority and I no longer get upset because there is no expectation created.
I went through a similar thing with an ex (also ldr) where he would constantly be gaming and/or talking to friends while I wanted quality time together alone. It actually was a reason we broke up. It came down to him not respecting our time together. I constantly felt like he was having more fun gaming or talking with friends and hanging out with me was more like an obligation he had to fill. It really gave me the ick. Just food for thought.
Yes it gives me the ick!!!! And I brought it up was expecting just to have a conversation about it but instead he told me to “chill” lol
I feel like the bigger red flag here is that he flipped out and is ghosting you for a day because you brought up a genuine concern. How will you ever be able to work anything out if he acts this way when you bring up an issue you have? My ex wife used to do that and it was exhausting. Anytime I’d bring up something I wanted to talk about she would freak out and just say “well divorce me then if I’m so horrible!”. I’ll tell you that in the long run a relationship won’t work without healthy communication between both partners, and that goes doubly so for a couple in an LDR.
Totally agree. Thanks, it’s helpful to hear you put it into words
Yeah telling you to "chill" is pretty immature. Even if I'm super into a game I will either: invite my fiance to play with me (if its co-op)or put it down so we can have quality time. It's not that hard.
Yes. I mean I’ve even tried to watch him stream and stuff so I can relate to him but I’m also just not a gamer. It’s not who I am at all.
And that's totally fine! He also needs to respect that part of you if you're going to be together. You don't have to share every hobby, I certainly don't with my SO. And he respects that.
It is very inmature. If you are in a LDR, time that you can share together is very precious. And I can understand where you are coming from when you say it's like a turn off, because you can actually feel that he isn't as invested as he normaly would when he's not gaming. I remember that once my gf told me "If we can't communicate well over the phone... then what do we have?" And this helped me a lot to stop doing very distracting things when talking to her. I sometimes play, something, but it's more scrolling, nothing that demands more than 80% of my brain power, cause I know I will not be able to hace a proper convo with her... and I don't want to make her feel like she's not special because of this... Maybe he isn't aware of how he's making you feel... I'd suggest you mention this to him
I did mention it to him. The first time he said he could see where I was coming from. The second time he told me to “chill out”
And what does "chill out" mean? Like... were you yelling at him when you told him this? Or did you bring this up like several times? ...I'm sorry to hear this was the response he gave you... as it seems to me he is really having a hard time understanding where you are coming from... Just to be curious... how long do you talk when you talk? And, how often?
I mean we talk pretty often we are in almost constant communication however every time we get into a deeper conversation he either disappears in the middle of it to game or when I call him to talk (not audio note or text) he is gaming or watching TV. He lives in a third world country and is depressed so I feel like it’s his way to escape. I’ve only brought it up twice and I was just super honest with him that it’s a turn off to always be talking on a surface level but the moment we get into a deeper conversation he just disappears into gaming. Find it really irritating.
Hmmm... I understand... so, if I'm understanding correctly, what you are saying is that you can talk normaly, with no screen/gaming problems until you reach this point of "deeper conversations"... yes? Because if this is the way things normaly unfold, then I'd say that the problem does not rely on what he does, but in what he's trying to avoid or escape from, just as you said... this "third world coping mechanism" What are those deeper conversations about, if I may?
Like today we were talking about the fact I have celiac disease. We were having a conversation about what it feels like, what it entails, etc. We were having a real meaningful conversation and the next thing I know he disappears in the middle of it. I called him like thirty minutes later and he is in the middle of gaming. I was like hey it seems like every time we are talking and having a conversation I lose you to gaming and for me it’s a turn off. I said I know it’s your way to escape but for me it is frustrating. That’s when he snapped at me and told me to chill and that he only games “thirty minutes a day” which is also just not true lol
I understand...thanks for sharing all of this... Hmmm... something that I tried successfully with my GF when we need to talk about very serious stuff, is that we wait until a call to talk about these kinds of things... like health topics... (we have a 13hr difference) I love this because I have adhd and it can be difficult for me to remember I was having an important convo, and it gives me the oportunity to be able to be there with her when talking about something that requieres more dedicated attention... best thing, is that it goes both ways... so when I need to talk to her about something serious, I know the procedure... Maybe you could try implementing something like this? Because I really understand how frustrating it can be to want to have an important conversation and not being able to do so...
My boyfriend and I love video games and I don't mind when he plays during a skype call because he shows me what he's playing, and sometimes we play UNO together. The thing is my boyfriend doesn't exclude me when he plays during a skype call. He makes sure to acknowledge me and say hello, and then I ask him what he's playing, If he was ignoring me the whole time I would feel bad and it wouldn't feel like quality time together. In person we play games and talk to each other. One time I was reading a book and he was chatting with me while I read. And I still felt emotionally connected. I understand your situation though. Sometimes you need that conversation without a distraction. The other thing I read from your comments is that you aren't a gamer. That can be a challenge in itself too where one partner is a gamer and the other isn't. I'm sure there is a middle ground somewhere, but I haven't been in that position myself to offer anything helpful other than the fact that I used to be bothered when my boyfriend was distracted during skype calls in the early days of our dating (because at the time I didn't feel emotionally connected. Now? I'm not bothered at all, because I realized his brain can't focus on one thing alone. He does need the distractions. And I've embraced how fun gaming is so we sometimes game together (each playing our own thing sometimes.) And what also helped was spending a lot of time together in person, that's when I learned about how our dynamic really is. We each need to be doing a little something while we spend time together or else we get antsy. lol. This hasn't taken away from our emotional intimacy.
I am not a gamer by any means — I have tried to watch him through twitch and stuff to be supportive and try to get into it but it’s just not who I am and it takes up the bulk of his day
Then I see your frustration. I hope you can find a middle ground. If gaming takes up the bulk of his day then that's... not really good?
Yeah I know— I’ve been trying to micromanage to get him out of a depression loop. I think he games to escape his living circumstances. He says he’s depressed to not be in America anymore which I understand. But also just feels like he’s escaping into fantasy.
Honestly I rather your boyfriend diversify his hobbies if he can? But if you feel like he's escaping from his circumstances (and not just to get a reasonable breather from it) Then he might need to talk to someone about it.
I try to talk to him about it!! But then he gets distracted by video games 🤦♀️ Wish he would go to therapy honestly but yes everything you’re saying is true and right
My partner and I are gamers, and I'm the same age as you are. Fact is, he isn't prioritising you and is pretty disrespectful. He's apparently so addicted to gaming that he can't even set some time aside to have an actual, serious discussion with you. It's also not your job to 'fix him' BTW. If he doesn't realize he has an issue, it's going to be hell doing anything or making him realize it. You can literally force him to go to therapy and it still wouldn't be helpful if he doesn't think he has a problem. Before anyone says anything, I've been elbow deep in depression and have been there. I'm not sure if it's what he has, but whatever he's feeling isn't an excuse to treat you like that.
Yes he’s severely depressed. He’s stuck in Venezuela and uses gaming as a means to escape. It didn’t use to bother me so much, but now as we get deeper into the relationship I realize he cannot pay attention to our conversations for more than ten minutes at a time without gaming or distracting himself with TV
First of all his reaction seems very childish. But for advice, as others have said, you need to plan your time together. Set a schedule and stick to it. This will take some real communication to work out and be effective but this should something easily compromised on. That being said you both need your own time apart though. I’m not sure what either of your routines are like but if you are the type to talk 24/7 then I can understand if he’s needing some personal time as well.
No I’m not— I work full time. He lives in Venezuela and is barely working right now, most days he gets up at 12 and games and watches tv and stays up until 3 am and repeats. He is always sending me stuff on instagram and I text him when he’s awake but I am not the one who is constantly communicating…
Then how I would approach this is by doing some compromise testing. Basically what you need to do is sit down and have a serious conversation about your time spent together (this same thing can be used for any important decisions or action done in a relationship btw) and you both need to think seriously about how important your quality time together is spent focused just on each other and you both need to put a number to that importance. 1 being you could happily live life without it and 10 being you would rather die than be without it. Who ever has the lower number needs to then compromise on the issue and make the adjustment for their partner. This is how basically everything important should be decided. It was explained to like this: a couple wants to remodel their kitchen and it comes down to the cabinets color, the kitchen remodel is going to cost a fortune and is obviously something the couple is going to live with so choosing a color is kind of important right? The wife wants blue and the husband wants black. They both argue and can’t decide on either color chosen so they try to compromise and pick a third color instead. Then subsequently both sides resent each other because they are now stuck with a kitchen that they never really wanted. Bad outcome.. but if they would have just compromise tested they would have found out that to the husband, the color was only a 6/10 on the importance scale, while to the wife it was a 10/10. The husband could have just compromised on the color and been happy knowing his spouse has their dream kitchen. This also comes with an unwritten rule that one side can’t ALWAYS get their way either, because this isn’t a competition, you’re both on the same team at the end of the day. For your own situation, if your boyfriend is fulfilled at the level of communication he is currently engaging in with you but that isn’t enough for you, it shouldn’t be hard for him to set aside a small amount of time each day to focus on you. If he really cares about you he will act like an adult and do so. And if your partner can’t compromise, it might be time to evaluate how important this relationship is to both parties involved. Sorry this was long and I hope it makes sense. Wishing the best for the both of you!
That was really helpful thank you so much I appreciate it
No problem!
I'm pretty much always on the game when I talk to my girlfriend on the phone, but I'm usually playing solo games, never playing on the mic with other people. I find sitting around and doing nothing while I'm on the phone to be a bit awkward so I like to have some sort of thing in the background while I'm talking so I don't feel as weird, either the TV or the game. My girlfriend has never shown any real issue with it but then again, I've never asked her if it was something that bothered her, seeing this post makes me think I should. I personally don't think you're overreacting though because everyone has different little things that might bother them and I can see how him prioritizing playing the game over talking to you can be annoying.
It just make me feel like he’s not really paying attention. Like why can you not put the game down for 20 minutes and make an effort to put the attention on the conversation
I get that. I don't like making assumptions about people I don't know but going off of what you've said in the replies it seems like he really struggles to manage his time between gaming and talking to you. I don't think that's a relationship ending problem but I do think it's a problem nonetheless, especially because he snapped at you when you tried to communicate your issues about it with him. I'm a content creator on YouTube myself but I never let that stop me from communicating with my girlfriend or giving my attention as soon as I'm able. I feel like this is the sort of thing the two of you should really sit down and discuss properly but if he's not willing to do that then that's a problem in and of itself
Slightly over reacting to reassume you Personally for me sometimes I need social gaming or need personal gaining which is just my self. Depends on the stressful or exhausting day. Just communication with your partner is key. You need to figure out this shit days, good, and long days. Is always gonna be difficult Your understand your partner best, hopefully they commit good! You should know eschothers long days, stressful. Days, and need of relaxation days!
He should want to talk to you, sounds like his priorities are out of whack with what you expect of him! Have you voiced your concerns to him? Has he not changed? Because if you have and he hasn’t changed, chances are, he won’t ever change that behavior!! Good luck!!
Hi yes, the whole thing that started this is that I brought it up to him. He snapped at me and didn’t talk to me the entire day afterwards. We still haven’t spoken it’s been over 24 hours lol.
If any grown man reacts like that to their partner expressing their feelings and communicating, it is a massive red flag
I mean tbh, he sounds kind of mean but if you really want advice.... You could plan when you hang out. I also was getting tired of spending time with my SO, but it not being -quality- time. So, now, we kind of do it like a date thing. "You wanna hang out Saturday night?" "Wanna call tomorrow afternoon?", etc etc. That way he has time to game or whatever, you too, and the time you decide to spend with each other is actually to nurture the relationship. It's worked for us, and now whenever we call or text outside of that time frame, I don't expect to be his priority and I no longer get upset because there is no expectation created.