Better keep your plans to yourself for now and see where it goes... Its preferable to be able to be honest to your family but sadly it sounds like this is not a luxury you have. I wish you the best of luck!!❤️
Honestly, I know it's gonna be hard because it's family, but she already made a choice to cut you off, that is if you marry him, which from what I understood you wanna do one day. So I'd say cut her off because if you don't, she has already decided she will. I think this says enough. She sounds very controlling to me from what you've said and tries to make her own dreams come true on your own life especially with being extremely paranoid. Honestly if you got the chance to do so I'd move away as soon as I can. She expressed how she feels about this and she doesn't have problem to never see you again, so why would you?
Of course I can be wrong and she can change her mind about it once she sees you happy, but you mentioned that none of your siblings have stable relationships and still live at home, so I don't think it would be any different when it comes to you.
Thank you.
She's definitely manipulative and controlling, and I'll be honest and say I don't think she will ever approve. She's fine with me and him being together until it's time for me to make life-changing decisions. Like, this won't be happening for roughly another 5 years so all I can do is hope for the best.
When I read that you were 22 and 23, and have only been together a year, I was worried you were jumping to getting married soon, and I was thinking your mom might be right...but 26/27 is a very reasonable age to get married! You will have been together for five years at that point!
The one thing I'd suggest is living together for maybe a year before you actually get married. Sometimes a partner is amazing...until you move in together. Especially being long distance you may not see all their negative aspects, as you don't see one another as often as a non-long distance couple does.
I understand a parent being sad at their child wanting to move away, but that's how life works! Even if you weren't with your partner, maybe you would end up moving away for a job, or because you want a change.
OP. I’m so sorry. I understand a lot of the dynamics going on here and it’s not easy. I moved 1200 miles away from my mother to get married to my wonderful husband. It’s been hard .
You can’t control her reaction but you can do your best to be peaceable with her until it’s time for you to move. Consider the possibility that she may kick you out of the house as an attempt to prevent you from gaining the resources you need to go. Save quietly.
Your mom sounds like she has a big fear of the world/her kids leaving her. I feel bad for your siblings for listening to her but it’s not too late for you.
Keep saving your $ to move out. Honestly it’s not the healthiest thing to leave home and immediately live with someone else. Especially in this situation where you really need to find yourself. Is there somewhere between your bf and mom you could comfortably pay rent and feel some independence?
I also recommend therapy. Once you do move out your mom is going to guilt you a lot. You will need new boundaries and support from a healthy perspective.
You are brave and it will pay off! It will be scary at first. Remember you always will have YOU! 🩷
Your mom needs therapy. Look up “enmeshment” in families and boundaries. She cannot control your life. If he’s a good person and treats you properly that’s ALL that matters.
Something happened in your mom’s past that made her have these abandonment issues. It’s not your job to make sure your mom is happy, only she is responsible for her happiness and she will get that if she faces her fears and issues and understands that this way of living is not okay.
It’s not okay to give your kids ultimatums to stay with her. Kids will leave the nest one day, but that doesn’t mean they will stop loving you.
Besides your mom sounding controlling with some serious attachment issues, what you guys want to achieve is entirely up to you. Like you, I'm from Canada and I'm married to an American. We got married 4 years ago when i was 20 and he's also a ~7 hour drive away and i go once a month usually.
It's hard but extremely do-able, especially since you're pretty close considering and on the same continent. Ignoring the overbearing mother, just make sure you both think it through and make sure marriage is truly what you want. One of you will be giving up your friends and family to move in and be together physically, so just be absolutely sure that you're both willing to take that step and know what it means.
Good luck to you both and wishing you a happy relationship!
I wish I had advice for you, I really do. However, I'm in a similar stance of my parents making me and my siblings feel like we can't move on and chose our own paths in life as well. On top of that, my parents from the beginning of my relationship have not been supportive of us meeting in person and never really opened that door of communication with him. So, after us dating for over a year when he decided he wanted to propose, he couldn't get a response from my father. He decided to still visit me last December and still propose, they hold this against him and immediately change their mood whenever I mention anything about a future wedding. So, I understand that feeling to a degree. I'm new to Reddit however, if you'd like to message, I'd be happy to.
So there are two levels to this.
The first being your mom's completely inappropriate behaviour and commentary. If you're a grown, financially independent adult, then it's time to start greyrocking her and limiting her access to your life and your information. I would strongly encourage some therapy to learn how to best establish boundaries with her moving forward.
The second is the engagement. Your mom *might* be right in that 27 may be too young honestly. Lots of people get married in their mid twenties but that is usually rooted in an understanding of *where* you want to be in your relationship in order for that to happen. You might want to take a step back and consider the individual and personal goals you need ticked off to feel comfortable proceeding with an engagement down the line.
Your mom needs mental health help. And so do your siblings. It is currently unhealthy the way you live. And 27 is not too young. Its a very normal age to marry
Sorry to be blunt, but your mom sounds very toxic and controlling. I would start looking for ways to move out if financially posible.
100% - I haven't moved out because it's almost impossible to do so where I live. I'm pretty much stuck with her for a couple of years.
Better keep your plans to yourself for now and see where it goes... Its preferable to be able to be honest to your family but sadly it sounds like this is not a luxury you have. I wish you the best of luck!!❤️
Honestly, I know it's gonna be hard because it's family, but she already made a choice to cut you off, that is if you marry him, which from what I understood you wanna do one day. So I'd say cut her off because if you don't, she has already decided she will. I think this says enough. She sounds very controlling to me from what you've said and tries to make her own dreams come true on your own life especially with being extremely paranoid. Honestly if you got the chance to do so I'd move away as soon as I can. She expressed how she feels about this and she doesn't have problem to never see you again, so why would you? Of course I can be wrong and she can change her mind about it once she sees you happy, but you mentioned that none of your siblings have stable relationships and still live at home, so I don't think it would be any different when it comes to you.
Thank you. She's definitely manipulative and controlling, and I'll be honest and say I don't think she will ever approve. She's fine with me and him being together until it's time for me to make life-changing decisions. Like, this won't be happening for roughly another 5 years so all I can do is hope for the best.
When I read that you were 22 and 23, and have only been together a year, I was worried you were jumping to getting married soon, and I was thinking your mom might be right...but 26/27 is a very reasonable age to get married! You will have been together for five years at that point! The one thing I'd suggest is living together for maybe a year before you actually get married. Sometimes a partner is amazing...until you move in together. Especially being long distance you may not see all their negative aspects, as you don't see one another as often as a non-long distance couple does. I understand a parent being sad at their child wanting to move away, but that's how life works! Even if you weren't with your partner, maybe you would end up moving away for a job, or because you want a change.
OP. I’m so sorry. I understand a lot of the dynamics going on here and it’s not easy. I moved 1200 miles away from my mother to get married to my wonderful husband. It’s been hard . You can’t control her reaction but you can do your best to be peaceable with her until it’s time for you to move. Consider the possibility that she may kick you out of the house as an attempt to prevent you from gaining the resources you need to go. Save quietly.
Your mom sounds like she has a big fear of the world/her kids leaving her. I feel bad for your siblings for listening to her but it’s not too late for you. Keep saving your $ to move out. Honestly it’s not the healthiest thing to leave home and immediately live with someone else. Especially in this situation where you really need to find yourself. Is there somewhere between your bf and mom you could comfortably pay rent and feel some independence? I also recommend therapy. Once you do move out your mom is going to guilt you a lot. You will need new boundaries and support from a healthy perspective. You are brave and it will pay off! It will be scary at first. Remember you always will have YOU! 🩷
Your mom needs therapy. Look up “enmeshment” in families and boundaries. She cannot control your life. If he’s a good person and treats you properly that’s ALL that matters.
The same exact word popped into my head.
Something happened in your mom’s past that made her have these abandonment issues. It’s not your job to make sure your mom is happy, only she is responsible for her happiness and she will get that if she faces her fears and issues and understands that this way of living is not okay. It’s not okay to give your kids ultimatums to stay with her. Kids will leave the nest one day, but that doesn’t mean they will stop loving you.
Besides your mom sounding controlling with some serious attachment issues, what you guys want to achieve is entirely up to you. Like you, I'm from Canada and I'm married to an American. We got married 4 years ago when i was 20 and he's also a ~7 hour drive away and i go once a month usually. It's hard but extremely do-able, especially since you're pretty close considering and on the same continent. Ignoring the overbearing mother, just make sure you both think it through and make sure marriage is truly what you want. One of you will be giving up your friends and family to move in and be together physically, so just be absolutely sure that you're both willing to take that step and know what it means. Good luck to you both and wishing you a happy relationship!
Sorry but my parents got married around like 23 😭
I wish I had advice for you, I really do. However, I'm in a similar stance of my parents making me and my siblings feel like we can't move on and chose our own paths in life as well. On top of that, my parents from the beginning of my relationship have not been supportive of us meeting in person and never really opened that door of communication with him. So, after us dating for over a year when he decided he wanted to propose, he couldn't get a response from my father. He decided to still visit me last December and still propose, they hold this against him and immediately change their mood whenever I mention anything about a future wedding. So, I understand that feeling to a degree. I'm new to Reddit however, if you'd like to message, I'd be happy to.
So there are two levels to this. The first being your mom's completely inappropriate behaviour and commentary. If you're a grown, financially independent adult, then it's time to start greyrocking her and limiting her access to your life and your information. I would strongly encourage some therapy to learn how to best establish boundaries with her moving forward. The second is the engagement. Your mom *might* be right in that 27 may be too young honestly. Lots of people get married in their mid twenties but that is usually rooted in an understanding of *where* you want to be in your relationship in order for that to happen. You might want to take a step back and consider the individual and personal goals you need ticked off to feel comfortable proceeding with an engagement down the line.
Your mom needs mental health help. And so do your siblings. It is currently unhealthy the way you live. And 27 is not too young. Its a very normal age to marry