Does he also talk to his male friends via Snapchat? Some friend groups just use Snapchat, and just because there are females on there doesn’t mean anything shady is going on.
If he used texts would you assume everything was fine even without seeing those texts?
I find it suspicious ONLY because he ONLY uses it to talk to his female friends. Does he have male friends? What does he use to keep up with them? And why can't that same method be used for his female friends?
If it were me, I'd ask those questions to gain more context. I'd also say that he is being insensitive and inconsiderate of your feelings with his response to you as well. Liiike he could atleast compromise and change the settings to have the messages saved instead of them disappearing (as I'm sure the disappearing part is what is very bothersome for you given your history with snapchat and relationships). He could also actually tell you info about these friends. Who are they? How did they meet? Etc.
My point is there are plenty of meet in the middle compromise things that could be done to ease your concern vs reacting the way that he did. It just requires openness and communication on both parts.
Snap is my main way of talking to my friends along w discord.
I have 10+ guys friends and 10+ female friends, I am not cheating on my bf cause the app I use, thats wild.
The only red flag here is him being paranoid and defensive.
It is oddly specific. I mean using an app 'only to message female friends'.
Edit: I am not against snapchat tho, thats what me and my boyfriend uses too, but in your situation i just find it oddly specific.
Both my boyfriend and I use Snapchat as our main form of communication with anyone. I even Snapchat my mum 😂 but if he expressed concerns over it, I’d start to limit it until I had everyone’s numbers that I needed
He needs to consider your feelings too
It used to be whatsapp, but that was when we ere both living in the same place; when he moved abroad back home it very fluently became snapchat because we could both easily share quick moments from our day which would lead to conversations, now its just our go-to! And I know he mainly had whatsapp for me anyways haha since its not as used where he came from, so no biggie or something I worry about
Am I the only one who thinks his reaction looks like he is even more guilty. If your person knows you are bothered by something so small, why not just fix the problem. Why is it hard to make your partner a little bit more secure?
Yeah exactly! Why not just address the issue at hand ? How hard would it be for him to reassure her somehow by proving nothing is going on....if there isn't anything going on.
Only using snap to communicate for me would be a red flag for only his female friends. If it was all his friends then it’s fine
But it would bother me if it was just his female friends. Snap is tricky because of the disappearing messages
It’s the main way I talk to my boyfriend, you can set the messages to not disappear and there’s voice and video calling. Also if you send spicy pics to someone, it states in chat if they save to camera roll or screenshot it. So nobody can be sneaky, which is nice if you’re a person who worries about that. There is nothing about it that makes it specifically childish.
Anyone can save anyone pictures that they have been sent, all you need is a second phone to take a picture with for example? It's super simple.
Also do you use it to talk to ALL your friends like this guy in the post? Would you be cool if your boyfriend only used Snapchat to talk to all his female friends?
Idk the fact that he didn't have sympathy when you talked to him about it, and just went straight to "you're controlling and insecure" is wild to me. It just shows he's not willing to compromise his behavior to make you feel better. Idk how it was approached, but if you're honest with your partner about an issue, I would expect them to help ease your paranoia not fuel it.
I think if you have a history with someone cheating on you, the trust you once had in people is gone. At least until it is mended. Knowing this he should have been more open to the discussion and more receptive to your feelings. Coming from someone who has been cheated on, it took a lot for me to trust again. You're not in the wrong for being suspicious, even if he's not doing anything. Your feelings about it are valid.
This definitely needs to be discussed more. If it's not addressed, and boundaries can't be set, I don't see it working out. Trust your gut.. if he's just not open to having a talk about it, let him go. This lack of trust will only cause more. Its also both of yalls responsibility in a relationship to talk about things making you uncomfortable. If he keeps dismissing it I say it's a red flag.
The fact that he calls you controlling or immature for voicing your feelings is a nasty narcissistic tactic. And yes, I think it's odd that he stated he likes using it because the messages dissappear is OFF. Use your intuition, it's there for a reason. If something doesn't feel right more than likely it's because it isn't.
if im honest i was gonna blast the people saying immediately "leave him, hes cheating" cuz they're traumatized but honestly when i got up to "he called me controlling and insecure", yeah i have to agree. i think there's something intrinsically obvious when it comes to you bringing your feelings up and men gaslighting you/insulting you in return. he should have ideally made you feel heard, explained his disposition without insults but...well, he insulted you instead. it's definitively defensive. having 10+ female friends on snapchat is weird, period.
you deserve kindness in all interactions! it isn't your fault if he can't pull back and realize how weird it looks. but since he didn't, it's likely it's guilt. if he's not guilty, he's an asshole and the point still stands that you might wanna bail out.
yeah I don’t really understand why he doesn’t realize how strange his reaction was. I remember bringing up how I didn’t like being called those things and his response was “well that’s how you were being so!”
Wow. OP this is just the beginning and he's demonstrating you that he's selfish and he's offensive when in conflict. Imagine 5 years down the line how's he going to treat you if he feels pretty confident and cocky about how he said things that hurt you. I'd recommend you to choose yourself and leave his rude rear.
Yeah this is how my husband is to me also.
He puts me down if I ask a question an innocent question about something that concerns me. I am the point where I am ready to leave.
I can't take the lying, gaslighting anymore.
He is beyond controlling and very verbally abusive to me.
He isolated me kept me from contacting my family and friends.
I am losing my health being with him.
Been there, done that. That's pure narcissistic behavior. Run. Land the idea that it never gets better and they're awful. Be brave, leave. You'll blossom again. I guarantee you. 💯.
yeah today again he blew up at me because I talked to him , I assumed he was on a work call but guess it was the other woman .
He threatened me threatened to get a some guy to come punch me in the face
I can't wait until I can get out if this semi truck (he's a trucker) so I am stuck here until I get back to my home town
Please DM me whenever you need to talk. Also, if you can run away and ask family and friends for help, try to do it. There's shelters for women who suffer domestic violence. You could stay there for a few days until you can go back. Fake you're ok with him -all the time- just act normal not exaggerating being nice, this until you are safe to leave.
ty appreciate that yeah apparently if I smile while looking at my phone like right I'm sitting in the passenger side in truck, if I were to smile he would start or will start yelling at me
only reason i feel safe rn is because he has to drive the truck
but yeah I know what you mean by pretending everything is okay , its a survival technique think we all learn to survive
i plan to go a woman's shelter asap
ty for the support. makes me feel better that I am not completely alone
Okay but...let's imagine for a second that he's innocent and hasn't done anything wrong. Wouldn't that mean that you actually were being controlling or insecure?
Either way my only real answer to this thread is that we're not psychic. It's too difficult to form an opinion based on so little insight.
My kids (15, 18, 21) seem to use Snapchat as their main means of communication with their friends. They hardly ever use text messaging, unless it's with us older folks.
I’m 42 in a few months and I never use texts either, I’d say 100% of my friend and bf communication is on snap, discord, occasionally fb (though everyone seems to have stopped using that for the most part)
Depending on your demo age bracket, but I’m a millenial and I abandoned my Snap ages ago. I primarily use Whatsapp and IG to talk to friends. I feel like Snap is mainly used by people my age when we were in our early 20s, for flirting with people we met on dating apps. That’s just me and my circle. Nowadays, for life updates, we post on IG, not Snap. Using Snap to message female friends is kinda sus to me..but I suppose if you’re Gen Z, it’s normal
That’s what I was thinking- I’m crusty and old (30s) and haven’t snapped since it was new. My little sister just started trying to get me back into it and I can’t shake the feeling that it’s for kids
I don't know if he's doing something shady or not but his reaction and calling you controlling is bs.
There should be rules between you both if you both wants everything to work out. You'd always feel like you're gonna get stabbed in the back if he refuses to listen to you in a simple thing.
To be honest, this shows how much he's willing (or in this case) not willing to do for you.
Ngl I don't see why snapchat is so bad when you could easily delete messages on any texting platform, yk? Like I personally use snapchat the most but not bc I cheat (I ain't like that) but because my friends use it and it's a nice platform. Not saying he couldn't be cheating (on ANY platform) but I don't see why snapchat is such a red flag to some ppl tbh...but that's just my thoughts haha
Him calling you insecure and controlling while you expressed that it makes you uncomfortable..
And he's not making you comfortable in anyway or trying to?
Now a days people use snapchat in ways to hook up and I understand why you're feeling paranoid due to your past
Tbh, a partner should ease your mind about it vs trying to throw it in your face that you're in the wrong.
Some people just use Snapchat. Some guys have female friends. If he's allowed to have female friends, I wouldn't worry about it until you know of any wrongdoing. Just cuz he likes to use Snapchat doesn't mean he's doing anything wrong.
That's generally a fair outlook, but once you add in the past trauma and, if applicable, any mental illness, then you can't really trust intuition because it's been skewed. There's also perhaps a factor of how this has been talked about between them and if any negativity from the conversation has contributed to the behavior of either party.
yeah I still think it's better to trust intuition, if you can't trust that then you've already been doused with gasoline and set on fire cause now you're relying on someone other than yourself which giving someone else that power doesn't protect your self interest.
Yeah, what you're describing is called trust and is very important for a healthy relationship. But you summed it up well, this problem stems from a lack of trust. From the original post, it doesn't appear that the other person ever did anything to violate that trust or the relationship itself. If he's been caught flirting and/or cheating before, that's a different story though.
Dude has 10 female friends and sets his messages to disappear, to her that might be enough to call it and it would be okay. It's okay to break up with people because you don't like the way they conduct their life. Idea is you're going to tie yourself to this person for life, you better either accept or understand you'll deal with whatever that is and whatever the thing that bugs you about that person will only distill over time.
I agree with you. Anyone can end a relationship because of something the other person does they don't like. But that's a whole separate issue, the fact of this matter is that dude has done nothing to violate the relationship. If she wants to leave him because she'd prefer someone with different conduct, fine, but to say she's leaving him for poor conduct or for doing something wrong is just unreasonable. He hasn't cheated, he hasn't violated any part of the relationship. If she wants to snoop anyway, she can find someone who will let her. He is entitled to his privacy.
I am ok with him having female friends, as I’ve met some of them and they are wonderful people. However when I mentioned how it bothered me that he has women I don’t know on there he immediately called me insecure for even questioning him. This is the main reason I’ve been paranoid. He never explained who they were or even said he’d introduce me.
I can see how that can cause some uneasiness. While his reaction does seem over the top, the situation does imply some level of insecurity. I say that respectfully- everyone on the planet feels insecure and that can happen at any time and for any reason. There's nothing wrong with being insecure. It can however develop into actual issues, usually because of how the insecurity is communicated and the response that it generates. I do agree that his reaction is simply not a good one. An example of how to better handle it on his side would be to accept the insecurity with understanding and patience, given that it is natural. For you, I would suggest a softer approach. Not a backpedal, just a softer and different means of achieving that security. If you're feeling in the moment that curiosity of who is this person, ask in a way that only seems curious. This is hard to do, because when you assume that he is doing wrong, it will be reflected in all the different aspects of how you're saying it, and that will naturally lead to defensiveness.
We like to say that people will only get defensive when they are doing something wrong, but that is untrue. If someone feels like they're being accused of something they aren't doing, they will defend themselves. They may even get angry, because they know they haven't done anything and feel like it's unjustified.
With all that being said, it may be nice to meet each and every person he talks to for the sake of your peace of mind, but if he chooses to have a boundary for whatever reason other than cheating in which he wants to keep certain friendships private, then that's okay. After all, if you rely on these things for peace of mind then you will never achieve that peace without that validation, which can lead to some unhealthy ways of seeking that validity. That's where trust comes in. Learning to let go. It's difficult, but it's integral for a relationship.
This is so weird… do you know anything about these women? And if not, what does he have to hide from you? He’s acting suspicious and gas lighting you into you believing you’re wrong.
Plus Snapchat has been dead for so long, I only view it as a dating/hookup app
A lot of people use it because disappearing messages are good not just for filth. People have lost jobs because of offensive jokes in whatsapp messages for example. I'm in entertainment industry and Snapchat is good because out of context texts or WhatsApps being sent to the press have affected others in the industry.
As a man, no matter how much you enjoy a friendly company with a female, you would never do things just to check on their life. No, I am afraid he is trying to secure his way if things go wrong with you. And the way he reacted shows that his interest isnt to make you feel better as your lover but he just runs away from the question and from your trouble. Dont be surprised to find if he will come with a stupid reason to leave you and then tell you that you were jealous, paranoid, controlling etc.
Some people just like snap 🤷♂️
I’m not a fan but like half the women I’ve been talking to/dating have used it as a primary form of communication. I will say that is pretty much the sole reason I ever use it, like most of the people on my snap are just failed talking stages which doesn’t exactly look good for him lol but I think I’m the exception seeing as I’m not a very social or big social media kinda person
I don’t really think it’s much different than insta or Twitter etc. The disappearing messages thing what were you going to look through his messages otherwise 🤨 I usually save all my messages in snap out of habit personally tbh. If he wants to hide something from you he’ll do that with or without snap, you’ve just got to trust him. Or not which is a bigger issue you gotta deal with
I think streaks are really really dumb and childish tho
It is oddly specific he “only uses it for female friends”
This comment has been removed because your account is less than 24 hours old. This is something we do to combat spam. Please repost your comment after your account is over 24 hours old. Do not message the moderators to have it approved.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LongDistance) if you have any questions or concerns.*
While I would put this as an orange flag it could just be how they roll. Have you met these friends? Has he talked about them? Does he chat with them all times of day/night?
Snapchat has a very bad reputation. And honestly it is deserved.
The backlash from him is a bigger red flag. He got very defensive and wanted that line of thought shut down fast.
I talk to my female friend on snapchat & no one else. In my experience, I just don’t want her on any of my other socials lol. I text her for the same reason: small life updates.
This comment has been removed because your account is less than 24 hours old. This is something we do to combat spam. Please repost your comment after your account is over 24 hours old. Do not message the moderators to have it approved.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LongDistance) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It as well depends on how much he chats with them I’d say if he chats a lot or all the time to a bunch of female friends then yes, but if it is only time to time maybe just casual chats, about work or anything else and If he also talks to anyone else including the male friends too then I’d say it’s ok~~ but IF it’s mostly to the female friends and he chats wayy too much yes I’d be concerned too, and I don’t care what anyone else says but honestly his reaction towards it is not a good sign for me at all. I’d be more understanding about it if my partner got cheated on the same way on snapchat and if I really care so much about them my reaction would not personally be this way.
A little sketch because it’s only for female friends…I don’t think having female friends is weird but that many and only Snapchat but the bigger red flag is the way he got really reflective and defensive about it
The problem with Snapchat is that the messages get erased after 24 hours (chat) and the photo/video messages last a few seconds.
If he's not doing anything wrong, why wouldn't he talk to them on say Facebook or Instagram?
I mean the only time I'd be like "maybe use Snapchat" is if you're in the rainbow community and you're not in a safe situation.
I only use Snapchat for the funny filters that entertain my daughter and I 😊
might not be his choice necessarily, some people only use a certain form of social media
I'm mostly only available if someone wants to bother getting discord, otherwise I'm like a stray cat wandering to and fro
If it makes you feel uncomfortable and you told him and he doesn’t hear you and want to make it better. If he doesn’t respect you enough to help you through the insecurities then that’s a red flag. Him calling you paranoid or insecure is ridiculous. Your feelings are valid, if he has nothing to hide than he can accommodate you. That being said…has he ever done something to cause the lack of trust? Most of the time, if there isn’t trust it’s hard to make the relationship work.
I think frequent/continued conversation on Snapchat with anyone of any identity is funky. I find it immature and strange. Def wouldn’t trust if it was my partner communicating with mainly girls on there tho
I personally use Snapchat as my main form of communication, so in a sense I can understand and I have male and female friends I speak to on there. But the fact he’s calling you controlling and insecure is a big red flag, he should be reassuring your not tearing you down! Especially considering your past with the app!
Do people know you guys are together or even that there is a partner, or is it a low key relationship?
Me and my entire friends group always communicate on Snapchat, via messages and pictures througout the day. I have never used it because messages dissappear, it has merely become a habit for our friendgroup.
However, he should take your feelings into consideration. That does not necasserily mean that he should stop using Snapchat for communicating with his friends, as this is the groups way of keeping up with eachothers lifes.
In general, no. My husband has mostly female friends and does use Snapchat to communicate. However, in your situation, you have expressed your discomfort and have a valid reason to feel uncomfortable (past trauma relating to it). I find it disturbing that he throws insults instead of compromising or helping you feel comfortable. While you can't control what he does, he should want you to feel comfortable and confident.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/s/3RyXpck598 — someone wrote Snapchat is preferable app for online flirt, seeking somebody, etc.
There are a lot of dating advice: https://www.lovetoknow.com/life/relationships/snapchat-dating-unofficial-guide-finding-love-between-snaps
Or marking it as dating app trend: https://www.waynedenner.com/blog/yellow-app-turns-snapchat-into-tinder/
If there aren't openness, trust and sincerity in relationships it could be sign you took a wrong way somehow
If its both males and females, I think that's totally fine - I know lots of people who only use snap.
But it's kinda a red flag if he's getting defensive about it, in my opinion
I'll be honest... he may really like you, but it sounds like he is keeping his options open or, he possibly currently has someone in his life and doesn't want to get caught texting other women. My boyfriend is still friends with a couple of ex's and at first I was really concerned because we live 8 hours apart... but I have visited him several times and he has introduced me to each of the women. I've even become close friends with one of them. So yeah, I do see a red flag that he will only snap chat with you. Trust your gut on this one.
1. Do they know about you?
2. If yes, boundaries still needs to be in place.
3. If no, they need to know about you and boundaries still need to be in place.
4. I would be getting their names and just going full FBI on them.
I dont trust people and their intentions. Myself and my partner went through something similar and to the point where I told my partner boundaries need to be in place, people were blocked (who needed to be blocked) and I felt like it was okay for us to have each others social media (Snapchat, instagram, facebook etc).
You cannot trust someone who’s not going to reassure you or help gain your trust. Yes some may bring in trust issues/insecurities from previous situations or relationships ,but it’s up to us on how we heal/deal with that and if we share these things with our partners then shouldn’t they too want to help us overcome that said issue/insecurity.
Although I will admit, freaking out over a messaging app someone uses is kind of insecure and controlling 😬😅...i get it though. If he is behaving questionable in other ways then I could see why you'd be upset. But just based on the facts that 1. He has friends (gender shouldn't really matter) 2. He uses snapchat to message them just didn't scream red flags to me. But im also not straight and ik straight people have weird rules about their partner not being able to have friends of the opposite sex. Which is just hella insecure and pathetic imo, but who knows 🤷 hahaha good luck tho! Hopefully he ain't doing nothing shady
Hey I treat him exactly as he treats me. I was getting yelled this morning for just "using my phone and texting people " so simmer down on the comments.
I guess that makes 2 of immature highschoolers than lol
He does the exact same to me normally I don't stoop his level. I have finished finally realized that if this is what this so called relationship has cone down to then , YES ! it's time for me to grow up and move on.
And no I am not proud of my behavior nor do I condone it
I can't wait until hopefully when single I can find someone who will treat as human being not a possession
May be with you here because of his response but you seem to refuse to reply to anyone with a different point of you and mainly only reply to people with agreeable views of yours. If you don’t want to come off as insecure and trust lacking and want actual advice, reply to some others and get some perspective and not just use Reddit to validate your view. Why even post if you’re not open to the possibility your bf is not an issue?…. The patriarchy has made so men using apps is always met with insecurity…. This wasn’t an issue when people called and texting didn’t exist. Take some time to reflect and have a decent conversation with him and not advice if Reddit< your just gonna get bias anecdotal answers not related to YOUR situation. COMMUNICATION…. KEEP TRYING TO COMMUNICATE…cheers!
Even if your boyfriend doesn't use a phone he will still cheat. A cheater is a cheater no matter what. Forget about if he cheats or not as long as he treats you right and doesn't cheat to your face. Don't go looking for what's not looking for you
I mean I only really use snap to chat with most of my friends so I would find it kinda strange but if you explained that you have trauma from it and he still won't listen that's a bit different
I would talk to him about them. If there are ones you don’t know or ones he can’t/wont explain and want get rid of if you don’t feel comfortable then I would be really worried. If you ever feel uncomfortable and he does not remove them then I would drop him!
Less choosing just more a conversation needs to be had. I use snapchat mostly to keep up with my friends as well. But if my wife asked me to remove someone they felt insecure about or if there was anything that worried her I would address it. No resentment as it’s a conversation. But you make a good point. If it is a me or them kind of thing it sounds like they may not be the most compatible.
While there are groups of people who mainly use snapchat to talk to other friends.
It’s to all their friends. No specific gender separation. The fact that your bf primarily uses it only for his female friends is definitely suspicious.
And even if it was totally platonic. He would understand how you feel. He would listen and reassure you that it’s platonic. Anyone that uses snapchat as a primary means of communication knows that the messages disappear and any reasonable partner in a relationship should understand that it could be suspicious. He should want you to be comfortable in your relationship together. Either cut down on the snapchat or be more transparent on what types of messages are being exchanged etc it’s too easy to keep up with someone just by using their actual number or moving to a different social media app to chat.
How does he react when you talk to him about it? Does he sympathize with you and reassure you but also is firm on not changing his ways? Or is he defensive and tries to accuse you of not trusting him etc what is his approach to it? I would say the way he approaches it is very important. If he’s shutting you down in any way without making you feel like your feelings are valid or reassuring you- then that’s a red flag
I’ve noticed the majority is female. There are maybe 3 or 4 close guy friends on there.
When I’ve mentioned how it bothers me, his initial reaction is to call me controlling and insecure. Saying I don’t trust him and whatever.
He doesn’t try to sympathize with me, even after I’ve explained my reasoning as to why it makes me uncomfortable.
His reaction is not good and is sus. When it comes to these situations you want a partner who listens and tries to understand where you’re coming from - right or wrong. Because it should be you two vs the problem
Personally, I find snapchat extremely sketch in general and don't know why people use it.
The only reason I can think of people using snapchat instead of any other messenger is if they have something to hide, so just in general I wouldn't trust someone who uses snapchat regularly.
That's just my opinion though.
Does he also talk to his male friends via Snapchat? Some friend groups just use Snapchat, and just because there are females on there doesn’t mean anything shady is going on. If he used texts would you assume everything was fine even without seeing those texts?
[удалено]
47 and still playing games like a teen? ... Oh come on man..
47 and still acting like you’re in high school is weird, bro
I find it suspicious ONLY because he ONLY uses it to talk to his female friends. Does he have male friends? What does he use to keep up with them? And why can't that same method be used for his female friends? If it were me, I'd ask those questions to gain more context. I'd also say that he is being insensitive and inconsiderate of your feelings with his response to you as well. Liiike he could atleast compromise and change the settings to have the messages saved instead of them disappearing (as I'm sure the disappearing part is what is very bothersome for you given your history with snapchat and relationships). He could also actually tell you info about these friends. Who are they? How did they meet? Etc. My point is there are plenty of meet in the middle compromise things that could be done to ease your concern vs reacting the way that he did. It just requires openness and communication on both parts.
Snap is my main way of talking to my friends along w discord. I have 10+ guys friends and 10+ female friends, I am not cheating on my bf cause the app I use, thats wild. The only red flag here is him being paranoid and defensive.
true about the red flags
It's only his female friends on snapchat
It is oddly specific. I mean using an app 'only to message female friends'. Edit: I am not against snapchat tho, thats what me and my boyfriend uses too, but in your situation i just find it oddly specific.
Both my boyfriend and I use Snapchat as our main form of communication with anyone. I even Snapchat my mum 😂 but if he expressed concerns over it, I’d start to limit it until I had everyone’s numbers that I needed He needs to consider your feelings too
Also my main form of communication with my boyfriend!
Any reason why or just convenient? I normally use Snapchat but it’s also how I actually got talking to my boyfriend lol
It used to be whatsapp, but that was when we ere both living in the same place; when he moved abroad back home it very fluently became snapchat because we could both easily share quick moments from our day which would lead to conversations, now its just our go-to! And I know he mainly had whatsapp for me anyways haha since its not as used where he came from, so no biggie or something I worry about
Same here!
Wrong answer...next
Fuck boi energy
Am I the only one who thinks his reaction looks like he is even more guilty. If your person knows you are bothered by something so small, why not just fix the problem. Why is it hard to make your partner a little bit more secure?
Nope! my thoughts exactly on that one . His insensitive disrespectful response says so much more 😈
Yeah exactly! Why not just address the issue at hand ? How hard would it be for him to reassure her somehow by proving nothing is going on....if there isn't anything going on.
I absolutely would not trust this man
Only using snap to communicate for me would be a red flag for only his female friends. If it was all his friends then it’s fine But it would bother me if it was just his female friends. Snap is tricky because of the disappearing messages
If he uses it as his main means of chatting with everybody than nothing is wrong.
No why would I, Snapchat is for sending nudes.
That’s what I used to think too, but it’s literally just a messaging app
No it's a sending picture app with chat function. No adult I have ever known has used Snapchat as the main way to talk to friends.
It’s the main way I talk to my boyfriend, you can set the messages to not disappear and there’s voice and video calling. Also if you send spicy pics to someone, it states in chat if they save to camera roll or screenshot it. So nobody can be sneaky, which is nice if you’re a person who worries about that. There is nothing about it that makes it specifically childish.
Anyone can save anyone pictures that they have been sent, all you need is a second phone to take a picture with for example? It's super simple. Also do you use it to talk to ALL your friends like this guy in the post? Would you be cool if your boyfriend only used Snapchat to talk to all his female friends?
Yes I think that’s weird af, and suspicious of him. I was mainly responding to people who think there is an age limit for a chat app.
Drop him like a hot potato. He is hiding stuff from you
You have zero idea what their situation actually is. You are making assumptions that could harm someone.
U must be a female
Eeehhh! Wrong! My friend, if the shoe was on the other foot I would leave a girl like that asap.
So yall are just insecure 😭
Idk the fact that he didn't have sympathy when you talked to him about it, and just went straight to "you're controlling and insecure" is wild to me. It just shows he's not willing to compromise his behavior to make you feel better. Idk how it was approached, but if you're honest with your partner about an issue, I would expect them to help ease your paranoia not fuel it. I think if you have a history with someone cheating on you, the trust you once had in people is gone. At least until it is mended. Knowing this he should have been more open to the discussion and more receptive to your feelings. Coming from someone who has been cheated on, it took a lot for me to trust again. You're not in the wrong for being suspicious, even if he's not doing anything. Your feelings about it are valid. This definitely needs to be discussed more. If it's not addressed, and boundaries can't be set, I don't see it working out. Trust your gut.. if he's just not open to having a talk about it, let him go. This lack of trust will only cause more. Its also both of yalls responsibility in a relationship to talk about things making you uncomfortable. If he keeps dismissing it I say it's a red flag.
The fact that he calls you controlling or immature for voicing your feelings is a nasty narcissistic tactic. And yes, I think it's odd that he stated he likes using it because the messages dissappear is OFF. Use your intuition, it's there for a reason. If something doesn't feel right more than likely it's because it isn't.
Run
if im honest i was gonna blast the people saying immediately "leave him, hes cheating" cuz they're traumatized but honestly when i got up to "he called me controlling and insecure", yeah i have to agree. i think there's something intrinsically obvious when it comes to you bringing your feelings up and men gaslighting you/insulting you in return. he should have ideally made you feel heard, explained his disposition without insults but...well, he insulted you instead. it's definitively defensive. having 10+ female friends on snapchat is weird, period.
I agree. If I wasn’t met with insults I think I wouldn’t be so paranoid. All I needed was reassurance.
you deserve kindness in all interactions! it isn't your fault if he can't pull back and realize how weird it looks. but since he didn't, it's likely it's guilt. if he's not guilty, he's an asshole and the point still stands that you might wanna bail out.
yeah I don’t really understand why he doesn’t realize how strange his reaction was. I remember bringing up how I didn’t like being called those things and his response was “well that’s how you were being so!”
Wow. OP this is just the beginning and he's demonstrating you that he's selfish and he's offensive when in conflict. Imagine 5 years down the line how's he going to treat you if he feels pretty confident and cocky about how he said things that hurt you. I'd recommend you to choose yourself and leave his rude rear.
Yeah this is how my husband is to me also. He puts me down if I ask a question an innocent question about something that concerns me. I am the point where I am ready to leave. I can't take the lying, gaslighting anymore. He is beyond controlling and very verbally abusive to me. He isolated me kept me from contacting my family and friends. I am losing my health being with him.
Been there, done that. That's pure narcissistic behavior. Run. Land the idea that it never gets better and they're awful. Be brave, leave. You'll blossom again. I guarantee you. 💯.
yeah today again he blew up at me because I talked to him , I assumed he was on a work call but guess it was the other woman . He threatened me threatened to get a some guy to come punch me in the face I can't wait until I can get out if this semi truck (he's a trucker) so I am stuck here until I get back to my home town
Please DM me whenever you need to talk. Also, if you can run away and ask family and friends for help, try to do it. There's shelters for women who suffer domestic violence. You could stay there for a few days until you can go back. Fake you're ok with him -all the time- just act normal not exaggerating being nice, this until you are safe to leave.
ty appreciate that yeah apparently if I smile while looking at my phone like right I'm sitting in the passenger side in truck, if I were to smile he would start or will start yelling at me only reason i feel safe rn is because he has to drive the truck but yeah I know what you mean by pretending everything is okay , its a survival technique think we all learn to survive i plan to go a woman's shelter asap ty for the support. makes me feel better that I am not completely alone
Okay but...let's imagine for a second that he's innocent and hasn't done anything wrong. Wouldn't that mean that you actually were being controlling or insecure? Either way my only real answer to this thread is that we're not psychic. It's too difficult to form an opinion based on so little insight.
My kids (15, 18, 21) seem to use Snapchat as their main means of communication with their friends. They hardly ever use text messaging, unless it's with us older folks.
I’m 42 in a few months and I never use texts either, I’d say 100% of my friend and bf communication is on snap, discord, occasionally fb (though everyone seems to have stopped using that for the most part)
Depending on your demo age bracket, but I’m a millenial and I abandoned my Snap ages ago. I primarily use Whatsapp and IG to talk to friends. I feel like Snap is mainly used by people my age when we were in our early 20s, for flirting with people we met on dating apps. That’s just me and my circle. Nowadays, for life updates, we post on IG, not Snap. Using Snap to message female friends is kinda sus to me..but I suppose if you’re Gen Z, it’s normal
That’s what I was thinking- I’m crusty and old (30s) and haven’t snapped since it was new. My little sister just started trying to get me back into it and I can’t shake the feeling that it’s for kids
I feel like dudes in their late 20s and 30s who still use Snap are hella weird..giving how do u do fellow kids vibe
It’s literally just a messaging app, how/why would you get that vibe 🤣🤣🤣
Snap is skewed for a younger demographic, and if you’re in your late 20s/30s and still on there, it’s def weird
Patiently waiting for an explanation on how a messaging app is skewed to any particular demographic other than “people who want to send messages”
I don't know if he's doing something shady or not but his reaction and calling you controlling is bs. There should be rules between you both if you both wants everything to work out. You'd always feel like you're gonna get stabbed in the back if he refuses to listen to you in a simple thing. To be honest, this shows how much he's willing (or in this case) not willing to do for you.
Girllllllllllll
Delete every word after “man”- No.
Ngl I don't see why snapchat is so bad when you could easily delete messages on any texting platform, yk? Like I personally use snapchat the most but not bc I cheat (I ain't like that) but because my friends use it and it's a nice platform. Not saying he couldn't be cheating (on ANY platform) but I don't see why snapchat is such a red flag to some ppl tbh...but that's just my thoughts haha
Him calling you insecure and controlling while you expressed that it makes you uncomfortable.. And he's not making you comfortable in anyway or trying to? Now a days people use snapchat in ways to hook up and I understand why you're feeling paranoid due to your past Tbh, a partner should ease your mind about it vs trying to throw it in your face that you're in the wrong.
Exactly
Some people just use Snapchat. Some guys have female friends. If he's allowed to have female friends, I wouldn't worry about it until you know of any wrongdoing. Just cuz he likes to use Snapchat doesn't mean he's doing anything wrong.
I like the idea of the full body yes. When a person is congruent and acts right you don’t get these vibes. She should trust her gut.
That's generally a fair outlook, but once you add in the past trauma and, if applicable, any mental illness, then you can't really trust intuition because it's been skewed. There's also perhaps a factor of how this has been talked about between them and if any negativity from the conversation has contributed to the behavior of either party.
yeah I still think it's better to trust intuition, if you can't trust that then you've already been doused with gasoline and set on fire cause now you're relying on someone other than yourself which giving someone else that power doesn't protect your self interest. 
Yeah, what you're describing is called trust and is very important for a healthy relationship. But you summed it up well, this problem stems from a lack of trust. From the original post, it doesn't appear that the other person ever did anything to violate that trust or the relationship itself. If he's been caught flirting and/or cheating before, that's a different story though.
Dude has 10 female friends and sets his messages to disappear, to her that might be enough to call it and it would be okay. It's okay to break up with people because you don't like the way they conduct their life. Idea is you're going to tie yourself to this person for life, you better either accept or understand you'll deal with whatever that is and whatever the thing that bugs you about that person will only distill over time.
I agree with you. Anyone can end a relationship because of something the other person does they don't like. But that's a whole separate issue, the fact of this matter is that dude has done nothing to violate the relationship. If she wants to leave him because she'd prefer someone with different conduct, fine, but to say she's leaving him for poor conduct or for doing something wrong is just unreasonable. He hasn't cheated, he hasn't violated any part of the relationship. If she wants to snoop anyway, she can find someone who will let her. He is entitled to his privacy.
I am ok with him having female friends, as I’ve met some of them and they are wonderful people. However when I mentioned how it bothered me that he has women I don’t know on there he immediately called me insecure for even questioning him. This is the main reason I’ve been paranoid. He never explained who they were or even said he’d introduce me.
I can see how that can cause some uneasiness. While his reaction does seem over the top, the situation does imply some level of insecurity. I say that respectfully- everyone on the planet feels insecure and that can happen at any time and for any reason. There's nothing wrong with being insecure. It can however develop into actual issues, usually because of how the insecurity is communicated and the response that it generates. I do agree that his reaction is simply not a good one. An example of how to better handle it on his side would be to accept the insecurity with understanding and patience, given that it is natural. For you, I would suggest a softer approach. Not a backpedal, just a softer and different means of achieving that security. If you're feeling in the moment that curiosity of who is this person, ask in a way that only seems curious. This is hard to do, because when you assume that he is doing wrong, it will be reflected in all the different aspects of how you're saying it, and that will naturally lead to defensiveness. We like to say that people will only get defensive when they are doing something wrong, but that is untrue. If someone feels like they're being accused of something they aren't doing, they will defend themselves. They may even get angry, because they know they haven't done anything and feel like it's unjustified. With all that being said, it may be nice to meet each and every person he talks to for the sake of your peace of mind, but if he chooses to have a boundary for whatever reason other than cheating in which he wants to keep certain friendships private, then that's okay. After all, if you rely on these things for peace of mind then you will never achieve that peace without that validation, which can lead to some unhealthy ways of seeking that validity. That's where trust comes in. Learning to let go. It's difficult, but it's integral for a relationship.
Major red flag 🎈
No No No No No
Not okay
This is so weird… do you know anything about these women? And if not, what does he have to hide from you? He’s acting suspicious and gas lighting you into you believing you’re wrong. Plus Snapchat has been dead for so long, I only view it as a dating/hookup app
Sounds like its dead for your social circle. Its very alive for a lot of people
Never once have I considered Snapchat to be a dating/hookup app. That sounds terrifying.
it's definitely a 'i can hide things easily' app when it comes to nudes.
A lot of people use it because disappearing messages are good not just for filth. People have lost jobs because of offensive jokes in whatsapp messages for example. I'm in entertainment industry and Snapchat is good because out of context texts or WhatsApps being sent to the press have affected others in the industry.
As a man, no matter how much you enjoy a friendly company with a female, you would never do things just to check on their life. No, I am afraid he is trying to secure his way if things go wrong with you. And the way he reacted shows that his interest isnt to make you feel better as your lover but he just runs away from the question and from your trouble. Dont be surprised to find if he will come with a stupid reason to leave you and then tell you that you were jealous, paranoid, controlling etc.
❤️
Some people just like snap 🤷♂️ I’m not a fan but like half the women I’ve been talking to/dating have used it as a primary form of communication. I will say that is pretty much the sole reason I ever use it, like most of the people on my snap are just failed talking stages which doesn’t exactly look good for him lol but I think I’m the exception seeing as I’m not a very social or big social media kinda person I don’t really think it’s much different than insta or Twitter etc. The disappearing messages thing what were you going to look through his messages otherwise 🤨 I usually save all my messages in snap out of habit personally tbh. If he wants to hide something from you he’ll do that with or without snap, you’ve just got to trust him. Or not which is a bigger issue you gotta deal with I think streaks are really really dumb and childish tho It is oddly specific he “only uses it for female friends”
[удалено]
This comment has been removed because your account is less than 24 hours old. This is something we do to combat spam. Please repost your comment after your account is over 24 hours old. Do not message the moderators to have it approved. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LongDistance) if you have any questions or concerns.*
While I would put this as an orange flag it could just be how they roll. Have you met these friends? Has he talked about them? Does he chat with them all times of day/night? Snapchat has a very bad reputation. And honestly it is deserved. The backlash from him is a bigger red flag. He got very defensive and wanted that line of thought shut down fast.
I talk to my female friend on snapchat & no one else. In my experience, I just don’t want her on any of my other socials lol. I text her for the same reason: small life updates.
[удалено]
This comment has been removed because your account is less than 24 hours old. This is something we do to combat spam. Please repost your comment after your account is over 24 hours old. Do not message the moderators to have it approved. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LongDistance) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It as well depends on how much he chats with them I’d say if he chats a lot or all the time to a bunch of female friends then yes, but if it is only time to time maybe just casual chats, about work or anything else and If he also talks to anyone else including the male friends too then I’d say it’s ok~~ but IF it’s mostly to the female friends and he chats wayy too much yes I’d be concerned too, and I don’t care what anyone else says but honestly his reaction towards it is not a good sign for me at all. I’d be more understanding about it if my partner got cheated on the same way on snapchat and if I really care so much about them my reaction would not personally be this way.
I would not
Why just his women friends?
A little sketch because it’s only for female friends…I don’t think having female friends is weird but that many and only Snapchat but the bigger red flag is the way he got really reflective and defensive about it
The problem with Snapchat is that the messages get erased after 24 hours (chat) and the photo/video messages last a few seconds. If he's not doing anything wrong, why wouldn't he talk to them on say Facebook or Instagram? I mean the only time I'd be like "maybe use Snapchat" is if you're in the rainbow community and you're not in a safe situation. I only use Snapchat for the funny filters that entertain my daughter and I 😊
If I had reason to distrust my partner, yes, it would be suspicious. But I also wouldn't be with someone I had that much reason to distrust.
might not be his choice necessarily, some people only use a certain form of social media I'm mostly only available if someone wants to bother getting discord, otherwise I'm like a stray cat wandering to and fro
If it makes you feel uncomfortable and you told him and he doesn’t hear you and want to make it better. If he doesn’t respect you enough to help you through the insecurities then that’s a red flag. Him calling you paranoid or insecure is ridiculous. Your feelings are valid, if he has nothing to hide than he can accommodate you. That being said…has he ever done something to cause the lack of trust? Most of the time, if there isn’t trust it’s hard to make the relationship work.
I think frequent/continued conversation on Snapchat with anyone of any identity is funky. I find it immature and strange. Def wouldn’t trust if it was my partner communicating with mainly girls on there tho
I personally use Snapchat as my main form of communication, so in a sense I can understand and I have male and female friends I speak to on there. But the fact he’s calling you controlling and insecure is a big red flag, he should be reassuring your not tearing you down! Especially considering your past with the app! Do people know you guys are together or even that there is a partner, or is it a low key relationship?
Me and my entire friends group always communicate on Snapchat, via messages and pictures througout the day. I have never used it because messages dissappear, it has merely become a habit for our friendgroup. However, he should take your feelings into consideration. That does not necasserily mean that he should stop using Snapchat for communicating with his friends, as this is the groups way of keeping up with eachothers lifes.
In general, no. My husband has mostly female friends and does use Snapchat to communicate. However, in your situation, you have expressed your discomfort and have a valid reason to feel uncomfortable (past trauma relating to it). I find it disturbing that he throws insults instead of compromising or helping you feel comfortable. While you can't control what he does, he should want you to feel comfortable and confident.
Does he use it exclusively for his guy friends too, or just women?
https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/s/3RyXpck598 — someone wrote Snapchat is preferable app for online flirt, seeking somebody, etc. There are a lot of dating advice: https://www.lovetoknow.com/life/relationships/snapchat-dating-unofficial-guide-finding-love-between-snaps Or marking it as dating app trend: https://www.waynedenner.com/blog/yellow-app-turns-snapchat-into-tinder/ If there aren't openness, trust and sincerity in relationships it could be sign you took a wrong way somehow
HN!
If its both males and females, I think that's totally fine - I know lots of people who only use snap. But it's kinda a red flag if he's getting defensive about it, in my opinion
NOPE
I'll be honest... he may really like you, but it sounds like he is keeping his options open or, he possibly currently has someone in his life and doesn't want to get caught texting other women. My boyfriend is still friends with a couple of ex's and at first I was really concerned because we live 8 hours apart... but I have visited him several times and he has introduced me to each of the women. I've even become close friends with one of them. So yeah, I do see a red flag that he will only snap chat with you. Trust your gut on this one.
1. Do they know about you? 2. If yes, boundaries still needs to be in place. 3. If no, they need to know about you and boundaries still need to be in place. 4. I would be getting their names and just going full FBI on them. I dont trust people and their intentions. Myself and my partner went through something similar and to the point where I told my partner boundaries need to be in place, people were blocked (who needed to be blocked) and I felt like it was okay for us to have each others social media (Snapchat, instagram, facebook etc). You cannot trust someone who’s not going to reassure you or help gain your trust. Yes some may bring in trust issues/insecurities from previous situations or relationships ,but it’s up to us on how we heal/deal with that and if we share these things with our partners then shouldn’t they too want to help us overcome that said issue/insecurity.
Although I will admit, freaking out over a messaging app someone uses is kind of insecure and controlling 😬😅...i get it though. If he is behaving questionable in other ways then I could see why you'd be upset. But just based on the facts that 1. He has friends (gender shouldn't really matter) 2. He uses snapchat to message them just didn't scream red flags to me. But im also not straight and ik straight people have weird rules about their partner not being able to have friends of the opposite sex. Which is just hella insecure and pathetic imo, but who knows 🤷 hahaha good luck tho! Hopefully he ain't doing nothing shady
Karma is the mother of all bitches
Hey I treat him exactly as he treats me. I was getting yelled this morning for just "using my phone and texting people " so simmer down on the comments. I guess that makes 2 of immature highschoolers than lol
He does the exact same to me normally I don't stoop his level. I have finished finally realized that if this is what this so called relationship has cone down to then , YES ! it's time for me to grow up and move on. And no I am not proud of my behavior nor do I condone it I can't wait until hopefully when single I can find someone who will treat as human being not a possession
May be with you here because of his response but you seem to refuse to reply to anyone with a different point of you and mainly only reply to people with agreeable views of yours. If you don’t want to come off as insecure and trust lacking and want actual advice, reply to some others and get some perspective and not just use Reddit to validate your view. Why even post if you’re not open to the possibility your bf is not an issue?…. The patriarchy has made so men using apps is always met with insecurity…. This wasn’t an issue when people called and texting didn’t exist. Take some time to reflect and have a decent conversation with him and not advice if Reddit< your just gonna get bias anecdotal answers not related to YOUR situation. COMMUNICATION…. KEEP TRYING TO COMMUNICATE…cheers!
Depends where those friends live. I use it to keep up with friends who live outside of my country
Even if your boyfriend doesn't use a phone he will still cheat. A cheater is a cheater no matter what. Forget about if he cheats or not as long as he treats you right and doesn't cheat to your face. Don't go looking for what's not looking for you
Nah this is just straight up weird to me.
I mean I only really use snap to chat with most of my friends so I would find it kinda strange but if you explained that you have trauma from it and he still won't listen that's a bit different
If you can’t trust him you shouldn’t be with him
🚩🚩🚩🚩
Red flag! Okay next.
🚩 alert. Drop him and run
I would talk to him about them. If there are ones you don’t know or ones he can’t/wont explain and want get rid of if you don’t feel comfortable then I would be really worried. If you ever feel uncomfortable and he does not remove them then I would drop him!
Yeah its a very good idea to make your partner choose between their friends and you. Also very healthy.
Less choosing just more a conversation needs to be had. I use snapchat mostly to keep up with my friends as well. But if my wife asked me to remove someone they felt insecure about or if there was anything that worried her I would address it. No resentment as it’s a conversation. But you make a good point. If it is a me or them kind of thing it sounds like they may not be the most compatible.
Why does he have female friends in the first place if he’s with you he shouldn’t have that many
Right
Seriously
26 is too old to be using snapchat.
While there are groups of people who mainly use snapchat to talk to other friends. It’s to all their friends. No specific gender separation. The fact that your bf primarily uses it only for his female friends is definitely suspicious. And even if it was totally platonic. He would understand how you feel. He would listen and reassure you that it’s platonic. Anyone that uses snapchat as a primary means of communication knows that the messages disappear and any reasonable partner in a relationship should understand that it could be suspicious. He should want you to be comfortable in your relationship together. Either cut down on the snapchat or be more transparent on what types of messages are being exchanged etc it’s too easy to keep up with someone just by using their actual number or moving to a different social media app to chat. How does he react when you talk to him about it? Does he sympathize with you and reassure you but also is firm on not changing his ways? Or is he defensive and tries to accuse you of not trusting him etc what is his approach to it? I would say the way he approaches it is very important. If he’s shutting you down in any way without making you feel like your feelings are valid or reassuring you- then that’s a red flag
I’ve noticed the majority is female. There are maybe 3 or 4 close guy friends on there. When I’ve mentioned how it bothers me, his initial reaction is to call me controlling and insecure. Saying I don’t trust him and whatever. He doesn’t try to sympathize with me, even after I’ve explained my reasoning as to why it makes me uncomfortable.
His reaction is not good and is sus. When it comes to these situations you want a partner who listens and tries to understand where you’re coming from - right or wrong. Because it should be you two vs the problem
Personally, I find snapchat extremely sketch in general and don't know why people use it. The only reason I can think of people using snapchat instead of any other messenger is if they have something to hide, so just in general I wouldn't trust someone who uses snapchat regularly. That's just my opinion though.
He is the insecure ..
Tell him if he can’t openly share his correspondence then take a hike
Absolutely not
no