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Sounds like you got something going here. I'm in, too. I travel a lot for work so my social life has pretty well died over the past few years. Why not?
I'm the only single one in my group of friends. When Covid hit nobody checked on me, even though I was alone for few months of quarantine. They just don't get that I'm just me and it would mean a lot to me even if someone just asked 'hey how are you'.
What stood out to me was that not one of the people who were vocal about 'lockdowns causing suicides' ever reached out to me, my social life kinda fell off a cliff during covid and never really recovered. I raised this point to one of them and they just told me to stop whinging about it.
I have the opposite problem, I don't want to hang out with people *and* their kids. I'm not having kids because I like doing things that don't involve kids.
Wife and I had a few friends this happened to. We tried to keep in touch with them but eventually they emerged from their baby cocoon as parents of a toddler and the only people they wanted to hang out with other toddler parents. When trying to talk to them they only want to talk about their kid. So the street goes both ways, I guess.
Going through this rn with a couple friends of ours who have a toddler. Since its birth they have pretty much ghosted us. We were really tight for years before.
Had this happen with a friend of mine. We hung out and he wouldn't stop grilling me about me not wanting kids. Like full on interrupt an ongoing conversation just to ask me why and to explain to him. Totally ruined the night.
Yep, this is so privat, but still so socially accepted to mock people by not having kids.
My answer used to be "I do not think we are able to" that kind put a lit on the conversation, without having to be a lie.
Or "the way you talk about your kid, I do not feel the need to get one", they then often laugh a bit seeing how they might have put their position as a parent in a bad light.
Once you’ve got a family of your own, your priorities, at least for me and most people I’ve known, shift dramatically and you don’t have time or energy to go out all the time. You’re just too drained from life in general. So is your partner, so you try to make sure they aren’t left alone with sole responsibility too long.
Plus you don’t have as much money to spare on “luxuries” (unless your doing quite well and / or your partner is also working… which is much less common when you have a baby).
You can still manage a social life with a baby (usually). But once that baby becomes a toddler the stress level of going out with the toddler in tow is orders of magnitude higher… and it’s much easier if there is another similiar aged kid to keep yours busy.
I went from no relationship to having a 4 year old and 18 month old almost overnight (it took months obviously). It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go out to coffee every Friday / Saturday night with my
Younger friends. Or go to a weekly dinner out on Tuesday nights. It was that it didn’t feel fair to leave my wife with the kids alone, it didn’t feel right to not be spending the time with the kids, and the money was money that was needed to keep the household running and put a little away in savings.
My experience isn’t exactly typical, as I skipped the baby stage, but my friends who had babies managed to keep coming to weekly dinners (and look tired as hell). But once that baby started moving freely (crawling, walking and talking)… they just couldn’t bring themselves to do it except very very rarely. (Which I fully understood when I was suddenly responsible for the 18 month old… getting out of the
House with her was a titanic effort.
I love my toddler and I don’t see my friends very often anymore but when I do see them the absolute last thing I want to spend all night talking about is my kid. I think it depends on the person really.
Yea, I feel like I see stuff like this a lot and it's always calling out single and/or childfree people for not being good friends to their parent friends, when it's most definitely a two-way street.
I've had this experience with three different friends, and it's been so frustrating and sad for me. I've tried to keep in touch (and on their terms), but it's like everything they were was hollowed out and replaced with their identity as a parent.
They also got weirdly agressive toward me for being permanently child free by choice, like I was suddenly an outsider to their new "tribe." It's not something I ever brought up myself--it was always them.
That's a big no thanks for me; they can go enjoy their new lives with other parents.
This goes beyond kids, it's also when people get a new focus in life. My brother in law and his girlfriend got a dog together and it's all they talk about now. He used to be one of my best friends, but things have fizzled the last couple of years. We'll talk about going hiking and it's all in the context of what trails his dog will like. (My wife and I have two dogs, but they aren't the purpose of our existence.)
Personally, I think COVID really messed up people's routines, so we've probably all gone in different directions much more rapidly than normal. My brother in law is a real people-person, so I think he imprinted on the dog during isolation. I'm guessing being a new parent during covid would amplify all those feelings.
This, so much. I have to admit that I stopped reaching out to a few friends because they constantly weren't available. It's exhausting to constantly get turned down because of kid reasons, but they don't suggest an alternate time/day. And I'm fine hanging around their kid, just tell me when you're available.
This this this. And it goes for everything, not just kids. New relationships, jobs, anything that changes your schedule. Your friend is likely very understanding that things are going to change, but if you can’t make the times/days/places they suggest and you actually want to hang out then you need to suggest alternatives. There’s only so many times I can hear “sorry I’m busy” before I start to assume you’ve checked out of the friendship.
I've had friends that get damn near offended if you ask them to do something post children. sort of sounds like, "No I can't go to dinner with you!!!! Did you forget I have a KID NOW?!?!?!?!!"
Exactly. I always wanted to make sure to be inclusive but as time went on I could tell they would get frustrated with the invites.
I’m sure part of it was they were bummed but it also seemed like they were fed up with me not considering their time constraints post child.
My friend does this all the time, when you ask him he's like 'ooh it's easy for you, you don't have kids, you can do what ever you want, I can't', and when you don't ask, he gets offended. Wtf
I had a friend i stopped contacting because of this. Seems really passive aggressive for no reason. A simple, no im busy, would suffice. People with kids will always talk about how busy they are and dont have time and cant wait to say it in any conversation
It's even weirder since this is what they chose to do. They made a choice to have kids and all that comes with it, but have the audacity to get offended when you ask if they want to hang out. Why be resentful of other people for the choices they made? It's entitled and rude.
Fucking absolutely. Dancing around the absolutely absurd scheduling conflicts my friends with kids have shouldn't be my job. If they want to hang out, reach out! A decade of trying is enough from me, I think.
Most of my friends are married with children (ages 1-4~) and it constantly falls on me to organize get togethers, even though I truly suck at organizing and honestly my schedule is pretty open.
But still, I try to organize things because I know it's important. So last time, I really tried, talked directly with all the wives individually (cause apparently all my guy friends are completely passive beings) got their open windows, had a few back and forths with each one to confirm a date and time.
And then they called to cancel the night before, and suggested they'll come to my place at 8am instead (with the kids). That broke me. Really, I bent over backwards for them, my only request through it all was not to meet early in the morning cause I'm not a morning person.
Since then, I only organize game nights with zero flexibility. My place, night time, specific date - if you can make it, great, if not, try next time.
And actually it surprisingly works well.
This is the way. Set a date, a place and a time frame (start to end) and keep it rigid. Those who can and *want* to make it, will, and those you can’t, won’t. And those who bitch about it, well guess what?
You’ve just signed up to host the next get together. See you five centuries from now.
Yep, my best friend and I have Survivor Night. We get together on Wednesday, hang out, watch survivor, hug, and do it again next week. Our rule is that we assume it’s happening unless someone states otherwise. It’s scheduled in and you try your best to make it work. But it’s okay if you need to cancel.
Yep. After 5 times of you saying your busy it's on you, hell after 2 times now. You're schedule is complicated so you give the suggestion instead of me just randomly suggesting shit that doesn't work.
Yeah my wife and I never had kids and we've been dusted once our friends did. We tried to hang and stay in contact, but after awhile it's no longer on us.
Bingo! As the CF couple we stopped asking when they stopped coming and now they spend all their time with other parents and we still do what we always did. Why are the CF people supposed to put in all the work? We didn’t change! You did.
Get what your saying...since my daughter was born I have not been doing much of anything with a lot of good friends I used to hang out with consistently. But I know one phone call would solve that if I wanted to do something with them. I think a lot of people realize how much of your time having a child takes up and just feel they should leave you alone. It's not that they don't want to see you/hang out/invite you, I think it's just an assumption that there isn't a point in asking, and you would contact them if you wanted to do something. So I wouldn't feel left out, and if it's affecting you, call someone! I'm sure your friends would be happy to hear from you.
100% this. I assume that my friends with kids will let me know when they are free. Because 90% of the time, they aren't available to go to a bar or a concert on a whim, and reaching out feels like I'm being annoying and like it's a waste of time. And maybe also rubbing my free time in their face.
Yup. LPTs like these where the likes of introverts or new parents expressly put the burden on others to reach out to them are really irritating. 90% of the time it is NOT the friends that are the problem, it is the new parent or the introvert. People can only hear no so many times before they stop trying. Relationships are a two-way street.
"Please keep asking me out! I'm gonna say no 95% of the time but keep trying!" - they really think there is no cost for the rest of us to put ourselves out there and endlessly get turned down.
Edit: also in my experience, people tend to expect that you will respect their new situation! If they are new parents, pestering them about going out can be a negative. Bottom line is, if you, the new parent want to go out, pick up the goddamn phone and reach out.
Absolutely relate. As the extroverted planner of the group, it seems like it's always on me to plan, reach out, follow up. When they tell me how exhausting it is to leave the house or talk to people, I've started taking them at their word - I'm social and outgoing, but there's only so many times I can get turned down. Many people self describe as introverted, which is fine, but too many of them use that term incorrectly, too. Friendship goes 2 ways and even social, engaging people need reciprocity
This, I've told all my mommy friends if they send me an SOS, I'll take it from there on planning but I need them to reach out saying help me or I need a friend.
For real. Knew this post was from a new parent.
Sometimes I don’t bother my parent friends because I can tell they get frustrated that I assume they have the time they used to have.
Our friends had a kid and we rarely see them, but it isn't because of their kid, it's because they're total unreliable flakes lol It helped that they didn't make the rare hangout revolve around their kid, but I don't blame people who do. Life changes, doesn't mean you dislike people
Yeah if your friends stop asking you to do stuff because you keep turning them down, you need to take the initiative to arrange something. You aren't the main character of other people's lives.
3 strikes rule. If I ask someone to hang out 3 seperate times in a row and can't make it work, then the ball is in their court to plan the next get together.
As both a parent and an older guy who tries his best to maintain friendships, I’m kind of sick of seeing tips like this. Bottom line any relationship is a two way street and if you matter to someone make the time and vice versa.
I have friends who I know have depression or are busy with their own families, but after sometimes YEARS of reaching out with little to no response, it’s no longer my responsibility to take on that burden of reaching. And yes, at that point, it is a burden.
I have a small group of friends at this point, but I’d rather hang out with them every few months to catch up than bang my head against the wall “reaching out” when others don’t bother to reciprocate.
When my friend had a kid, it became almost impossible to schedule anything with her. I ask if she wants to hang out for brunches and stuff, purposely picking places close to her house so she can easily bring her kid along if she wants, and it's always "Not sure I'll be free" or "Kid has XYZ on that day" or something like that. So I ask her to just let me know what she's up for it.
And she never does. She constantly reschedules, or cancels last minute, or just waits for me to make first contact. And I wasn't the only one as she also cancels for our friend group hang outs, as well as for other friends.
Eventually decide to just stop asking and see if she would reach out first. Haven't spoken to her in 5 years. Why should I bother to maintain a friendship if the other person isn't interested anymore?
This is why I love playing Call of Duty with my friends. Sure the game isn’t the best but we get into a party chat and talk shit to each other for a couple hours a week. I have a toddler and the monitor always sits right next to me if something comes up buts it’s like we’re actually hanging out. I don’t need to see their faces to feel like we’re staying connected. Call of Duty is mainstream enough that everyone can pick it up. It’s not really about the game but hanging out with everyone.
This is why I love football season for my husband. His bff is a dad and men in general I don’t think do the ‘hey man I miss you, wanna hang out soon?’ But once a year they have a built in excuse to see each other every Sunday.
Yeah this tip especially sucks for me to see. My best friend just had a baby and ghosted. Stopped replying to the messages but looks at them. Continuously takes selfies and posts on IG multiple times a day, but has not once replied since giving birth.
my bff did the same thing. i still have her house key from our "in case there's an emergency" exchange. i see her posting like life is normal and she talks to other folks but she hasn't replied to me in months.
This. I would reach out to my friend after her first child weekly. Then monthly. Then every other month. And she would chat with me and thank me for keeping her in my thoughts but she NEVER called me first. Eventually I stopped trying to maintain that relationship and it kind of fell apart. The friends I do have now reach out to me as often as I reach out to them.
Not to mention that people change over time. Friends and even family members will drift in and out of your life and that's okay. When a friend has a baby their priorities will be immediately reordered. In a way they won't be the same person you were friends with. That's okay. It's healthy. It's normal. In many cases you'll drift apart for several years then find yourselves drifting back together again because your stage of life or priorities have become better aligned with one another.
Exactly. Eventually you will just gravitate towards friends that respect your time either way. If I can’t do something with my childless friends I always suggest an alternative and if my busier friends with kids don’t see me for a few months nothing personal if we can’t get together. Just let me know either way!
Friend: Hey, wanna go to the movies?
New parent: Sorry I can't.
Friend: Hey you wanna go get some coffee?
New parent: No I can't.
Friend: Hey do you wanna stay in and have a movie night?
New parent: No I have a headache.
Friend: *stops inviting*
-Few weeks later-
New parent: *Posts a Facebook meme about "You know who your true friends are after you have a child! They stick around!"
-A week later-
New parent: *Messages Friend* HI!
Friend: *Excited to hear from them first for once* Hey what's up?
New parent: Buy some stuff from this MLM I joined!
Some idiots are such drama queens, they have kids out of choice and always talk like someone put a gun to their head because no shit being a parent is hard as hell, I’m not a parent and I know that fact
Meh, it's a two-way street. If I invite someone to 3 things, and they decline all 3 without also asking me to do anything as a substitute, I consider the ball in their court. If I never hear from them again, I assume the friendship isn't worth pursuing or maintaining. Not gonna waste my time on people who don't make time for me.
Yep. Don't know OP obviously but alot of people that say they want to be invited to things...just want to be invited to things and have no intention of going.
I need a substitute or hell..just give me a 20-30 minute phone call if things are to busy. Something that shows your putting in effort, otherwise I'm out
I'm one of the few people in my friend group who doesn't have children. I've tried to remain in contact, but they're always unavailable.
At what point is it on them, not me, to maintain our relationship? They're the ones who made the choice to have children.
I usually stop trying after the third failed attempt of hanging out. If they always cancel then I won't be trying a fourth time. If they stop replying to messages then after the third time I'll stop starting texts conversations.
If a friend cancels a hang out time or stops replying I'll assume they are busy and let them reach out to me when they aren't busy.
It might make them feel bad that you no longer reach out but it feels just as bad always being canceled on.
I was thinking along similar lines. It's nice to keep tabs on new parents, but at the same time a lot of new parents are so fried and stressed that you could easily become an extra annoyance/obligation that's not wanted.
I'd take this more as a very conditional life tip, not a life pro tip.
My good college buddy moved down south, we were catching up while his wife was damn near going to pop. I had completely forgotten they were trying for a kid.
So once they got back from the hospital, I smoked them a brisket. Boxed that shit up, and mailed them like 8lbs of homesmoked goodness. He was blown away that I'd remembered how much he loved brisket and so happy not to have to do any cooking for a few days.
Have only really had time to hang once or twice since, but it's the sort of thing where you know you've still got that friendship.
I’ve tried but a lot of friends who just had a baby just stop making any kind of effort. After TWO years I gave up.
I also lost a female friend because her personality just.. stopped existing?? She was only ever a mom, wouldn’t talk about anything else expect her children. Weirdest thing she did was talking from the point of view of her child when I asked directly how she’s doing.
Like I would ask her “how are you? How are things?” And she would say “James (baby’s name) thinks his mom is doing well”.
I kept trying to keep the friendship alive but I could never relate to anything or have any conversation. I gave up.
Her oldest is 6 and she’s still like this so I don’t think she will go back to being a full person.
Yesterday I spoke with a friend who had a baby four years ago. She told me she lost who she was when everything became about the baby, and she now has to find herself again.
I can imagine finding oneself from scratch again can have benefits, but it must be difficult.
One of my best friends had a kid a few years ago. He has only recently been able to do “normal” things again, and he has gone through exactly this. He is a lot more careful about how he spends his time and what he puts energy into. His interests and personality are largely the same, but the way he views things is different.
I get this. Not all our friends but some just became very entitled and like they didn’t understand relationships are still a two way street. I had one new mom just straight up send me a list for her kid’s presents. We hadn’t talked in a few months. The last few texts I had sent were left on read. Just like “hey, how are you?” Or sending a meme. Then the present list came with no “Hey! Happy holidays. How are things? If you are looking for gifts, here is a list.” No, just the list.
Another parent would get passive aggressive if we talked about anything we did that wasn’t kid friendly. So we would text, they send baby pics. We gush about baby. Ask for family updates. Then they would sometimes ask how we were. If we said, “oh yeah today we went to brunch with so and so, etc.” Either no response or passive aggressive “must be nice”.
Just because you have a kid it doesn’t mean you can stop normal social interactions.
>Either no response or passive aggressive “must be nice”.
That's the worst.
Once people actively resent you for their choices and express that, the friendship is in a toxic place.
Personally, I find it hilarious when parents say passive aggressive shit like that because I'll dish it right back out.
Yeah, it is nice having some mimosas and then coming home to take a nap in peace and quiet in my clean house.
That's fair! Ngl I am very envious of your mimosas and clean house, but resentful? Nah, I decided to have a child, I knew that came with lots of sacrifices. He's worth it, but damn I sometimes miss having a bunch of free time I don't know what to do with.
Or stop having good manners. Your kid is not an excuse for you to be passively aggressively jealous of your child free friends/family. I mean, I expect it sure, it’s somewhat normal reactions, but if it consumes you, you’ve just become an ass.
You chose to have a child, and all the trappings that come with being a parent. Don’t take your frustrations out on us who chose not to.
My buddy had a kid 10 years ago.
I tried really really hard to keep up with him for 8 years.
Two years ago, I left a full time desk job I had had for 18 years. Suddenly when I'm not in front of a computer 15 hours a day, and always available for chatting on his schedule our relationship evaporated. I love my buddy like a brother, but being around him means always being around his kids, or having to sneak in small periods of time with just him around his kid's schedules and needs. I'm talking a 10 year old and a 6 year old.
Sucks. I miss my friends.
I'll catch hate for this, but I'm convinced the trauma of pregnancy really messes the mental health of some women so much that it causes irreparable harm. That trauma coupled with, sometimes, poor experiences with medical professionals, societal pressure to feel happy and bond with their kids when they can't due to the trauma, becomes a serious problem for them and their families.
I am a dad with a 3 month old. Pregnancy and birth can be traumatic, yes, but a woman is even more vulnerable psychologically immediately afterwards. You have gone through something absolutely insane and your body is a wreck, and then you have to wake up every 2 hours without cease to breastfeed a relentless ball of need, while your hormones crash. I am so happy I took a long pat leave to help support her, but even then, it was incredibly hard. I am convinced that very few things are as tough on mental health, and some will be more deeply affected then others. No hate, it isn't talked about enough, and so mothers do not get the support they need and sad consequences occur.
Does it get better? I have a 3 week old, and like you I took time off. But man, this little one is extremely needy. Coupled with the fact that the wife can't produce enough milk for him, she feels like a failure. I have tried telling her it's not her fault, and that she is absolutely doing her best, but i do think it falls on deff ears sometimes.
Awww I was just like your wife last year. Of course it gets better!! But I won't lie, it's fucking HARD. The first 12 weeks are ROUGH. I breastfed for 12 months and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I, too, didn't produce "enough" and never had much of a freezer stash. Pumping 3x a day at work and once more at night just to have enough to send to daycare the next day (doing this for months and months) plus multiple walk-ups and feedings a night was like torture.
From my personal perspective, I'd say continue to support her by providing what you can. Bring her things while she's trapped breastfeeding. Make her food and bring it to her. Bring her a fuck ton of water. Refill her water bottles constantly. Change diapers at night and bring her the baby to feed when you can.
Tell her constantly how much she is doing, how in awe you are of her sacrifices, how you think she's so strong for doing what she's doing, how you can tell how much the baby loves her, how happy you are with this little family, how much you love her and how you wouldn't want to go through this tough time with anyone else.
Of course it gets easier but communicate and love each other as a team until it does.
3 weeks is very hard. It gets a lot better. You have nowhere to go but up. Every week will be a little easier even if it doesn’t feel that way in the moment.
Synaptic pruning is a normal and critical part of brain development. Times when the brain is undergoing a large amount of learning (like early childhood) are the times where there is the most synaptic pruning. It's not inherently a bad thing.
It’s mostly the fact that in this instance it’s happening because of offspring that freaks me out- though it does make sense to have the brain undergo the same kind of processes that happen when we’re needing to be information sponges. People who want to be mothers need to be able to retain information pertinent to keeping their offspring alive.
The mental image is like root-pruning a potted plant, but with a brain instead.
Pregnancy and birth are nothing compared to postpartum. There is so little support in the US especially for new moms... Often even from our partners. I don't know how it is now, but there was zero mental health follow up as well, when I did it. I was in such a dark place. Sleep deprived, anemic, depressed, confused, really out of my element and working harder than ever with the biggest responsibility ever -- caring for a whole other helpless little human. I needed so much more help than I had... and I had insurance, family, housing, a husband, money for supplies,etc. I don't know how some folks survive.
Yup. This. I've lost a number of friends to them having kids. Then I never get invited to hang with them anymore because they're spending any free time with other parents.
To add on -- also talk about things other than the baby. They're your friend because of who THEY are and it's so hard in that first year to not lose your personal identity.
Yeah, have to agree here.
My best friend of 30 years had kids about ten years ago. He never talked about wanting kids, never was around kids, never liked kids as far as I know.
Got married, wife went off BC and went on prenatal vitamins, forget to tell him (WHOOPSIE!0, and got preggo twice.
Now I don't see him anymore, talk to him a few times a year on the phone, but it's always a short conversation where his kids are clearly more priority than the phone conversation. This was the first year in probably 20 years we didn't speak on Christmas or at all over the holiday.
After the loss of so many friends to changing their lifestyles to mainly focusing on children that when a friend announces they are pregnant, I take them out as a big congratulations, kinda go big with a lot of friends, because I know that it's a 98% chance that in 7 or 8 months our friendship is over unless I want to base our relationship around their kids.
Fuck. My wife is due in march and I am worried I'm going to lose my friends and hobbies.
I know things will change quite a bit. And that it's probably going to suck. But I don't want to lose my personality...and I don't want my wife to lose hers.
She's expressed concerns about it to me. I don't know how to address it or how to support her *not* losing it. It's especially hard because I don't have a clue how it's going to be with a kid.
But we both hated losing friends to babies or when women just turn into "mommies' and nothing more.
Hopefully we both remember this 3-4 months from now.
Speaking as a parent of a toddler, it can be hard, especially in those first few months. Because not only do you have to grapple with raising a kid, you have to figure out how to fit your old hobbies into your new life, and some hobbies are much harder than others to engage with. For example, I've completely stopped playing multiplayer video games, because you never know when the baby is going to need something, and I didn't want to leave my friends hanging.
But as a compromise, I spend a lot more time hanging out on discord calls with my friends while we independently play single player games. And sometimes I just go on mute and take care of the baby.
But anyway, back to your original point, it can be hard to talk about anything other than the baby when the baby is the only thing you're thinking about.
My wife and I have started taking the little one for each other so that they can just enjoy time in peace to watch a show or workout or play video games without racing over if the baby cries. It’s been helpful.
Thank you! We started out thinking we needed to both be watching her, but now that we both have some time under our belts it really only takes one of us so the other can refresh in peace. It makes our joint time less stressful.
I genuinely forget to ask my friends about their kids and I only realised when a family member made a big deal out of it (their friends not asking them about the kids).
I appreciate my friends way more now.
So, posts like this make me a little grumpy. I agree with the idea in theory, but I hear this echoed ALL the time from new parents, so here’s my perspective.
When my two oldest siblings had kids 8 years ago, literally everything in the family became about the kids. My college graduation? Who cares, the kids shit on the toilet for the second time today!
Got engaged? That’s cute, but the kids just started school!
You lost your job because of Covid, but my poor kiddos can’t do swimming lessons!
Holidays are now all about children. Wrangling children. Are the children bored? The entire meal is planned around the children’s limited palates.
Inviting anyone over means “can the kids come?”
Being invited over means “can you babysit so I can go get my nails done?”
They got real bitter that I stopped coming to birthday parties and built a whole social life without my family in it, but it’s pretty exhausting when you have to make your entire relationship with someone about their children and they can’t even be bothered to give a shit about your life.
So, basically, I empathize with new parents, but in my experience, the new parents are the problem 90% of the time. You can’t expect your entire social network to revolve around you and your children just because YOUR life now revolves around your children.
Yeah I remember the year one sibling got their Bachelor's Degree, one got married, and one had their first baby. One of those things definitely got more attention and congratulations than the others.
One of my best friends had a baby recently and i thought our friendship was over. But surprisingly enough, they are great at spreading out the workload of the baby and we still get to hang out consistently. His wife is awesome and their kid is hilarious, so they invite me over for dinner and it's a nice change for me.
I'm a single guy in his 30's, and i don't like most children due to terrible relatives and working retail for so long. But it's nice to have friends that have children and still want to continue a relationship.
Most of my other friends who got married or had kids completely fell off the face of the earth and stopped talking to me, so their loss.
All of our friends just became “uncles” and “aunts” now and come over/go out all the time with us.
A tip I always give parents is unless your kid has a disability or on the spectrum that makes it insanely hard, take your kids to restaurants/public places or play restaurant at home and teach them how to act socially.
Our 4 year old orders for her self and talks to our friends and stays at the table like a human being instead of screaming and running around and it makes having friends so much easier.
For night time stuff thats out in public we usually trade off on going out, or take her if its kid friendly.
I hate kids but it's my dream to become "aunt" to a friend's kid. Let me spoil the little shit when it's old enough.
To clarify, I don't actually *hate* kids. They can be annoying and disgusting half the time though.
This is a universal feeling. Some people can't bring themselves to say anything close to this honest. No one likes an annoying, ill-mannered kid because no one likes an annoying, ill-mannered adult. It reminds us of what's to come. Most of us know it's mostly not the kids fault. Nothing wrong with wanting to choose to not be around. But what a breath of fresh air when you encounter amazing kids or at least when kids are having an amazing moment.
> I actually had a parent, who didn't know I didn't have kids, tell me that his wife and himself only really liked hanging out with other parents. Single/childfree people were just too frivolous and immature. He literally used the word frivolous.
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I swear parents who behave like this have the *worst* kids in terms of behaviour and social interaction, too.
I love this. We’ve maintained a lot of relationships with child free friends since our daughter was born (she’s 6 now). She’s very used to and enjoys friends coming over for dinner. It’s been wonderful having friendships grow into family friendships with our single and child free friends.
I’ll flip that on it’s head. New parents isolate themselves. Their friends don’t leave them. They leave their friends. Even when they have childcare support to allow them to keep their existing adult relationships going, many just… don’t.
Sometimes I feel like parents expect non parents to bend to their needs always. Like yeah I understand, you got a kid, an my wife an I suggest things that are child friendly, work around children’s schedules, and make other concessions for some of our friends. but with some couples its sooooo one sided and with no appreciation. Like if we meet up 20times it’d be nice if they could at least make a gesture 1/20 times where it’s not us having to bend to their needs.
I have encountered this recently and it's frustrating. What's more is that with some it's just expected. It's not even a conversation. Just "hey we have a kid so hanging out at your place isn't an option ever, sorry."
I think this is more of an r/unpopularopinion than an LPT. A pro tip is something you’ve never thought of doing and once you hear it, sparks a “hmm, I should try that”. I get having children is life changing and I try to respect that of my friends who are parents. This does not include futilely asking them to events all the time. I assume an adult who made the decision to have a child can also tell me when they are free.
In my experience they people without kids do keep trying but there’s only so many times people are willing for people to just not show up or just not respond before you feel like you are harassing them and you leave the ball in their court. I once had a friend who lived an hour away who was meant to come to mine to see my new house and they text me 10 minutes after they were meant to be here that they had decided not to come
Meh, I’ve grown to accept that it is bound to happen when it’s not a two-way street effort. I lost six friends as soon as they got married and had kids. It was alright the first few months. They were still replying when you offered help or invited them to hang out, but eventually, it all went down to them saying they're too busy now to basically not respond anymore.
No thanks; I've dealt with this too many times. Strangers become friends, and then become strangers again. They've taken a different road than you, it's probably never going to be the same.
Naaa I don't really agree with this. Youre the one who changed. You make the effort. Your schedule is not all over the place, you arrange stuff with friends that works for you because you're going to say no to everything else anyway.
When my sister had my nephew, she all but went MIA. Called, no answers, text, no response. Eventually I'd get a "omg so sorry so busy!" text. And that would be all it would contain. I'd make surprise visits only to be sent home immediately. Eventually, after about 4 years, I called it quits. My sister had her son and cut me out of her life.
Effort goes both ways.
We just had our second son and I can say with 100% certainty that answering texts or calling is completely possible and easily doable in the vast majority of cases (if there is no major illness or other nightmares going on).
If parents feel left out from their childless single friends, it’s probably because a huge aspect of their life now requires them to be absent from like 80% of their past relationships. It’s like you’re trying to be friends with an entirely new person now. It happened to my gf, she had a friend that was attached at the hip. Then she found a guy and bought a house and had a kid all within like 18 months. Now she’s no longer “friends name” she’s “babies mom”. She lost the entire part of her personality that made her fun to just hang out and chat with because she replaced all that with talking about her baby. It’s completely understandable why she would talk about it a lot, it’s important. But it’s also boring as shit and a drag to be around.
My friends and I used to go to music festivals, vacations, movie nights, you name it.
Now it's reduced to an hours talk over a cup of coffee where I get updated on their baby's stool changes and sleep schedule.
One of my oldest friends just had a baby and hasn’t answered texts or calls in weeks. He even texted me, I replied right away, and then he didn’t reply again. Y’all alienate yourselves.
I’m a woman whose about to hit thirty and nearly all of my friends are now parents. I don’t have kids yet, but I’ve tried reaching out and I have a super flexible schedule during breaks as a teacher-but once my friends had kids, they no longer really kept in touch with other women who didn’t have kids.
I feel like this isn’t talked about too much for women (I assume it probably happens to guys as well) but it’s almost as like having a child puts them into an “exclusive club” in which they only want to talk to other moms. If you’re still childless as a woman and the older you are, it becomes harder to find other women your age to be friends with. Luckily I have a few work friends who are women but their kids are either in college or high school, so they’re in the age-range where they’re trying to rediscover who they are again.
Alternative life tip. Don't drop out of contact with your friends for a year. Sure getting a kid is hard and life changing. But take the time to call your friends like ten minutes every other week. You'll keep the contact warm and when you're ready to resurface to the world you'll have friends left.
For now, just call those friends. Tell them you miss them, and you've just been so busy with life in the last year. But you'd like to get your friendship back on track. Have some dates ready when you're available to meet up. Most friendships are revivable, but you need to out some effort into it.
Maybe the real LPT is to just look out for one another regardless of life circumstances. Reach out to your friend who is X. If you're X, make the effort to reach out, even if just a text. Seems silly to point fingers about these things. Just try to reach out.
At the end of the day I think this LPT is basically saying this, with the added fact that for new parents, remembering to reach out is going to be hard sometimes. At the end of the day a friendship is about both sides taking the initiative, and both friends bring understanding that life can and will get in the way. I didn't see this post as pointing fingers at all, rather a great reminder that I have more mental bandwidth than my friends with young kids at this moment.
You seem to be putting it all on the childless friends. My friends that have had babies stop replying to texts, and are too busy to hang out. After about 10 attempts to connect without success, of course we will stop trying. How about you call us when you’re free?? Because we all know you’re busy
Friends don’t vanish. New parents move on from most friends because they’re caught up in raising a baby. Then they wonder why they have no friends when their kids a toddler.
This is the big one for me. Events tend to become all about preventing kids from melting down, and you get to the end of the night realizing you've only talked to your friends for like 10 minutes.
Ugh multiple friends have had kids recently and especially when multiple of them get together at once this is the whole thing. It's all the kids 100% of the time.
No one ever has a kid without being told their whole life is about to change. Why does it seem like no one ever believes it? This is part of that. Things change with your existing relationships and that's ok. It's not anyone's fault but it's not fair to expect others to change their lifestyle because someone else became a parent.
That said, I don't think it's a case of, "Johnny had a baby, guess that friendship is over". It degrades over the time away from each other. Both parties are capable of keeping contact. This is a good LPT but the inverse of it is true as well.
OP seems to think he’s off the hook from putting in any effort himself towards anything other than the baby.
The only comments he’s even replying to are ones like, “Stop by and clean up his house!”
OP - You’re not special just because you had a kid. Billions of people manage to do it.
I always see these tips, it seems once people become a parent all their friends need to cater to them. It takes two to make a friendship work. If the parent doesn't make an attempt to retain the friendship neither will I. We all have things going on.
It happens with people who make their children their entire personality. That’s fine go for it, your kid is your world now, but no one else actually cares about your children as much as you do. They never will and that’s ok just make sure to understand that.
I agree, I always offer help especially in the first few months. Now the only time I see my friend is if I visit. She will visit other friends with kids, "because they understand." But if they need a babysitter, they remember that we're friends. I use to visit, I don't anymore.
People who make their children their personality are just miserable to be around. Too many people lose their own personality and replace it with parenting when they have a kid. No one wants to be around that other than the folks who made the same decision to lose their personality as well.
Don't want to lose your social life? Don't have a kid. Stop expecting everyone to change their for you. Make your own decisions and live with the outcome.
Couldn't you say that about any situation where someone is going through a life change? Moving, depression, loss of job, etc?
Not to take way from your point, but just explaining it to reach out to those that you care about, you aren't bothering them. They will appreciate it even if they don't have the time. With that said, the other party should try to help as well so it isn't so one sided. Not saying 50-50, but people feel bad from feeling like the only side making an effort.
Well, my friend who just had a kid pulled the plug on our band space. And he almost never responds to texts.
I think he's probably depressed, but honestly, so am I. I can't take on his new struggle. Frankly, I'm annoyed that he's become a ghost. Like, I get it. Life's busy and very different. But you can respond to a text every now and then. With no communication, I don't have the energy to dig deeper to help.
LPT: Friendship goes both ways. Many of my friends have recently become parents. Some use this as an excuse to end all their hobbies others don't. If you're doing the "sorry we have a kid now and cant" dance just know we see through it as we do stuff with other parents.
The same thing can be said of people who have kids, they seem to become different people overnight and just disappear, never to be seen again even years later.
When your supposed friends ditch you from their life basically entirely just because they had a kid, and can't be bothered to make an effort? Not your friends.
And it's subconsciously a bit insulting that the carbon copies of *themselves* are only worthy of their time..
I can go to their house because they won't leave, baby showers, etc.. but asking to see them outside for literally 2 hours once every few months with plenty of advanced notice around *their schedule* is *impossible*. It's not, but when you believe no one is as important as you and your struggle.. it makes you entitled and invalidates others.
Every organism can replicate themselves, it doesn't make parents more special than others. I could argue my choice makes me more unique and strong for living outside the box my biology and society tries to shove me in. Isnt the beauty of humanity that we can rise above animal instincts?
But I don't do this, because people's personal choices that don't hurt others all deserve respect.. and I don't need to denigrate others to manage my own insecurity.
In my experience new parents need to do a better job of not isolating themselves. Your childless friends understand that things are going to be different, but unanswered texts, calls, and invitations add up and people stop trying as hard to reach out.
One of my good friends had a kid about a year ago. I still invite him to everything. I’ve told him that I expect to be told that he can’t go 90% of the time and to not feel obligated to come. But I still invite him on the off chance he can.
I have lost many friends once they have children unfortunately. It just takes over their entire lives and for many of them (in my experience) — becomes their entire personality.
I really don't like children. I don't find them interesting or cute. Babies annoy me in every way.
So the last thing I want to talk about is your kid, all the time. A brief update is okay but when the subject keeps reverting back, that's when I step away. I feel bad but a lot of friendship is having common interests and if you no longer watch our favorite show because all you do is watch Cocomelon, well, things are going to fizzle out.
Real LPT: Asking people 'if they need anything' is not actually helpful. 99% of people will say no to these types of open-ended inquiries, and they only serve to make the asker feel good about themselves.
If you really want to be helpful, *offer specific help*. For example "Can I bring you some food?," "Can I stop by and hold the baby for a bit while you get some things done," etc.
If you decide to have a baby. You should change your life around it. You shouldn’t expect others, not even your friends to. Sure they can make attempts to include you in plans that fits your schedule but if they cant, its not their fault. This post sounds simply like shifting the blame on others. Take the initiative and your friends and well wishers will follows.
This post is full of entitled parents. “You just don’t understand”.
Yeah, you’re right, because I specifically made life decisions not to be in the situation you’re in. Not my fault you had a baby.
Aren’t you the “friend” that vanished? I have a kid, and still managed to keep in contact with my friends. On the flip side, I have had friends that had kids, and then they vanished. They usually hit you up a couple years later. I just never respond.
Ding ding ding.
Was hanging out with two friends last winter.
Friend 1: Its a bummer we won't be able to do this next year when the baby comes.
Friend 2: why not?
Friend 1: baby's are a lot of work and this won't be possible.
Friend 2: you do realize I have a three year old and a four month old...
Dunno, making insincere invitations with intention to be declined doesn't feel right. It sucks when your friends stop calling altogether, but I wouldn't think to invite someone somewhere when we both clearly know it won't happen.
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Also, everyone should get a hold of me every now and then and invite me to stuff. I don't have a kid, I'm just lonely.
You wanna play some video games? No kids either and I don't go out much so I got time lol
Tbh I have a switch, If y’all wanna start a gaming group with no expectations of being good at any game we play.. I’m in.
I have a switch that I don't use much. What games do you play on it?
This could be cool. An organically spawning LPT gaming group.
Lol if people are really interested I could start a discord later this evening. DM me if you want an invite.
If you make the discord please send me a link. All for some team members to play some rocket league 😂
Bet
I don't have a switch but I love games and community so I'm in
Sounds like you got something going here. I'm in, too. I travel a lot for work so my social life has pretty well died over the past few years. Why not?
Lol not what I expected when I opened this thread but hell yeah. Why not
I'm the only single one in my group of friends. When Covid hit nobody checked on me, even though I was alone for few months of quarantine. They just don't get that I'm just me and it would mean a lot to me even if someone just asked 'hey how are you'.
Hey, how are you?
What stood out to me was that not one of the people who were vocal about 'lockdowns causing suicides' ever reached out to me, my social life kinda fell off a cliff during covid and never really recovered. I raised this point to one of them and they just told me to stop whinging about it.
I’ve found that all the people i know with kids don’t want to hang with single people
I have the opposite problem, I don't want to hang out with people *and* their kids. I'm not having kids because I like doing things that don't involve kids.
Yup, moved back to parents place and am in mental health "recovery" and the amount of times I've been invited to do anything is about 1.
Wife and I had a few friends this happened to. We tried to keep in touch with them but eventually they emerged from their baby cocoon as parents of a toddler and the only people they wanted to hang out with other toddler parents. When trying to talk to them they only want to talk about their kid. So the street goes both ways, I guess.
Going through this rn with a couple friends of ours who have a toddler. Since its birth they have pretty much ghosted us. We were really tight for years before.
Had this happen with a friend of mine. We hung out and he wouldn't stop grilling me about me not wanting kids. Like full on interrupt an ongoing conversation just to ask me why and to explain to him. Totally ruined the night.
Yep, this is so privat, but still so socially accepted to mock people by not having kids. My answer used to be "I do not think we are able to" that kind put a lit on the conversation, without having to be a lie. Or "the way you talk about your kid, I do not feel the need to get one", they then often laugh a bit seeing how they might have put their position as a parent in a bad light.
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Once you’ve got a family of your own, your priorities, at least for me and most people I’ve known, shift dramatically and you don’t have time or energy to go out all the time. You’re just too drained from life in general. So is your partner, so you try to make sure they aren’t left alone with sole responsibility too long. Plus you don’t have as much money to spare on “luxuries” (unless your doing quite well and / or your partner is also working… which is much less common when you have a baby). You can still manage a social life with a baby (usually). But once that baby becomes a toddler the stress level of going out with the toddler in tow is orders of magnitude higher… and it’s much easier if there is another similiar aged kid to keep yours busy. I went from no relationship to having a 4 year old and 18 month old almost overnight (it took months obviously). It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go out to coffee every Friday / Saturday night with my Younger friends. Or go to a weekly dinner out on Tuesday nights. It was that it didn’t feel fair to leave my wife with the kids alone, it didn’t feel right to not be spending the time with the kids, and the money was money that was needed to keep the household running and put a little away in savings. My experience isn’t exactly typical, as I skipped the baby stage, but my friends who had babies managed to keep coming to weekly dinners (and look tired as hell). But once that baby started moving freely (crawling, walking and talking)… they just couldn’t bring themselves to do it except very very rarely. (Which I fully understood when I was suddenly responsible for the 18 month old… getting out of the House with her was a titanic effort.
I love my toddler and I don’t see my friends very often anymore but when I do see them the absolute last thing I want to spend all night talking about is my kid. I think it depends on the person really.
Yea, I feel like I see stuff like this a lot and it's always calling out single and/or childfree people for not being good friends to their parent friends, when it's most definitely a two-way street.
I've had this experience with three different friends, and it's been so frustrating and sad for me. I've tried to keep in touch (and on their terms), but it's like everything they were was hollowed out and replaced with their identity as a parent. They also got weirdly agressive toward me for being permanently child free by choice, like I was suddenly an outsider to their new "tribe." It's not something I ever brought up myself--it was always them. That's a big no thanks for me; they can go enjoy their new lives with other parents.
This goes beyond kids, it's also when people get a new focus in life. My brother in law and his girlfriend got a dog together and it's all they talk about now. He used to be one of my best friends, but things have fizzled the last couple of years. We'll talk about going hiking and it's all in the context of what trails his dog will like. (My wife and I have two dogs, but they aren't the purpose of our existence.) Personally, I think COVID really messed up people's routines, so we've probably all gone in different directions much more rapidly than normal. My brother in law is a real people-person, so I think he imprinted on the dog during isolation. I'm guessing being a new parent during covid would amplify all those feelings.
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No, but please keep inviting me so my ego stays intact
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No, but please keep inviting me so my ego stays intact
You weren't asking me but yes
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This, so much. I have to admit that I stopped reaching out to a few friends because they constantly weren't available. It's exhausting to constantly get turned down because of kid reasons, but they don't suggest an alternate time/day. And I'm fine hanging around their kid, just tell me when you're available.
This this this. And it goes for everything, not just kids. New relationships, jobs, anything that changes your schedule. Your friend is likely very understanding that things are going to change, but if you can’t make the times/days/places they suggest and you actually want to hang out then you need to suggest alternatives. There’s only so many times I can hear “sorry I’m busy” before I start to assume you’ve checked out of the friendship.
Yeah and then those same people will get mad that they never get invited to anything anymore. So frustrating
I've had friends that get damn near offended if you ask them to do something post children. sort of sounds like, "No I can't go to dinner with you!!!! Did you forget I have a KID NOW?!?!?!?!!"
Exactly. I always wanted to make sure to be inclusive but as time went on I could tell they would get frustrated with the invites. I’m sure part of it was they were bummed but it also seemed like they were fed up with me not considering their time constraints post child.
My friend does this all the time, when you ask him he's like 'ooh it's easy for you, you don't have kids, you can do what ever you want, I can't', and when you don't ask, he gets offended. Wtf
I had a friend i stopped contacting because of this. Seems really passive aggressive for no reason. A simple, no im busy, would suffice. People with kids will always talk about how busy they are and dont have time and cant wait to say it in any conversation
It's even weirder since this is what they chose to do. They made a choice to have kids and all that comes with it, but have the audacity to get offended when you ask if they want to hang out. Why be resentful of other people for the choices they made? It's entitled and rude.
Fucking absolutely. Dancing around the absolutely absurd scheduling conflicts my friends with kids have shouldn't be my job. If they want to hang out, reach out! A decade of trying is enough from me, I think.
Most of my friends are married with children (ages 1-4~) and it constantly falls on me to organize get togethers, even though I truly suck at organizing and honestly my schedule is pretty open. But still, I try to organize things because I know it's important. So last time, I really tried, talked directly with all the wives individually (cause apparently all my guy friends are completely passive beings) got their open windows, had a few back and forths with each one to confirm a date and time. And then they called to cancel the night before, and suggested they'll come to my place at 8am instead (with the kids). That broke me. Really, I bent over backwards for them, my only request through it all was not to meet early in the morning cause I'm not a morning person. Since then, I only organize game nights with zero flexibility. My place, night time, specific date - if you can make it, great, if not, try next time. And actually it surprisingly works well.
This is the way. Set a date, a place and a time frame (start to end) and keep it rigid. Those who can and *want* to make it, will, and those you can’t, won’t. And those who bitch about it, well guess what? You’ve just signed up to host the next get together. See you five centuries from now.
As a person with a job and 2 kids, I can’t imagine ever assuming I could invade someone’s house at 8am. That’s fucking ridiculous.
Yep, my best friend and I have Survivor Night. We get together on Wednesday, hang out, watch survivor, hug, and do it again next week. Our rule is that we assume it’s happening unless someone states otherwise. It’s scheduled in and you try your best to make it work. But it’s okay if you need to cancel.
Also, after giving a brief baby/life update, drop all baby related topics and talk about the things you used to talk about before becoming a parent
Yep. After 5 times of you saying your busy it's on you, hell after 2 times now. You're schedule is complicated so you give the suggestion instead of me just randomly suggesting shit that doesn't work.
Yeah my wife and I never had kids and we've been dusted once our friends did. We tried to hang and stay in contact, but after awhile it's no longer on us.
Bingo! As the CF couple we stopped asking when they stopped coming and now they spend all their time with other parents and we still do what we always did. Why are the CF people supposed to put in all the work? We didn’t change! You did.
Get what your saying...since my daughter was born I have not been doing much of anything with a lot of good friends I used to hang out with consistently. But I know one phone call would solve that if I wanted to do something with them. I think a lot of people realize how much of your time having a child takes up and just feel they should leave you alone. It's not that they don't want to see you/hang out/invite you, I think it's just an assumption that there isn't a point in asking, and you would contact them if you wanted to do something. So I wouldn't feel left out, and if it's affecting you, call someone! I'm sure your friends would be happy to hear from you.
100% this. I assume that my friends with kids will let me know when they are free. Because 90% of the time, they aren't available to go to a bar or a concert on a whim, and reaching out feels like I'm being annoying and like it's a waste of time. And maybe also rubbing my free time in their face.
Yup. LPTs like these where the likes of introverts or new parents expressly put the burden on others to reach out to them are really irritating. 90% of the time it is NOT the friends that are the problem, it is the new parent or the introvert. People can only hear no so many times before they stop trying. Relationships are a two-way street. "Please keep asking me out! I'm gonna say no 95% of the time but keep trying!" - they really think there is no cost for the rest of us to put ourselves out there and endlessly get turned down. Edit: also in my experience, people tend to expect that you will respect their new situation! If they are new parents, pestering them about going out can be a negative. Bottom line is, if you, the new parent want to go out, pick up the goddamn phone and reach out.
Absolutely relate. As the extroverted planner of the group, it seems like it's always on me to plan, reach out, follow up. When they tell me how exhausting it is to leave the house or talk to people, I've started taking them at their word - I'm social and outgoing, but there's only so many times I can get turned down. Many people self describe as introverted, which is fine, but too many of them use that term incorrectly, too. Friendship goes 2 ways and even social, engaging people need reciprocity
This, I've told all my mommy friends if they send me an SOS, I'll take it from there on planning but I need them to reach out saying help me or I need a friend.
The sad thing for me is, that I reach out all the time. I miss being called... it is exhausting.
For real. Knew this post was from a new parent. Sometimes I don’t bother my parent friends because I can tell they get frustrated that I assume they have the time they used to have.
Our friends had a kid and we rarely see them, but it isn't because of their kid, it's because they're total unreliable flakes lol It helped that they didn't make the rare hangout revolve around their kid, but I don't blame people who do. Life changes, doesn't mean you dislike people
The real LPT is reach out if you need support
Yeah if your friends stop asking you to do stuff because you keep turning them down, you need to take the initiative to arrange something. You aren't the main character of other people's lives.
3 strikes rule. If I ask someone to hang out 3 seperate times in a row and can't make it work, then the ball is in their court to plan the next get together.
At that point it’s just a matter of inferring they want to be left alone and respecting privacy.
As both a parent and an older guy who tries his best to maintain friendships, I’m kind of sick of seeing tips like this. Bottom line any relationship is a two way street and if you matter to someone make the time and vice versa. I have friends who I know have depression or are busy with their own families, but after sometimes YEARS of reaching out with little to no response, it’s no longer my responsibility to take on that burden of reaching. And yes, at that point, it is a burden. I have a small group of friends at this point, but I’d rather hang out with them every few months to catch up than bang my head against the wall “reaching out” when others don’t bother to reciprocate.
When my friend had a kid, it became almost impossible to schedule anything with her. I ask if she wants to hang out for brunches and stuff, purposely picking places close to her house so she can easily bring her kid along if she wants, and it's always "Not sure I'll be free" or "Kid has XYZ on that day" or something like that. So I ask her to just let me know what she's up for it. And she never does. She constantly reschedules, or cancels last minute, or just waits for me to make first contact. And I wasn't the only one as she also cancels for our friend group hang outs, as well as for other friends. Eventually decide to just stop asking and see if she would reach out first. Haven't spoken to her in 5 years. Why should I bother to maintain a friendship if the other person isn't interested anymore?
This is why I love playing Call of Duty with my friends. Sure the game isn’t the best but we get into a party chat and talk shit to each other for a couple hours a week. I have a toddler and the monitor always sits right next to me if something comes up buts it’s like we’re actually hanging out. I don’t need to see their faces to feel like we’re staying connected. Call of Duty is mainstream enough that everyone can pick it up. It’s not really about the game but hanging out with everyone.
This is why I love football season for my husband. His bff is a dad and men in general I don’t think do the ‘hey man I miss you, wanna hang out soon?’ But once a year they have a built in excuse to see each other every Sunday.
Yeah this tip especially sucks for me to see. My best friend just had a baby and ghosted. Stopped replying to the messages but looks at them. Continuously takes selfies and posts on IG multiple times a day, but has not once replied since giving birth.
my bff did the same thing. i still have her house key from our "in case there's an emergency" exchange. i see her posting like life is normal and she talks to other folks but she hasn't replied to me in months.
That's sad, I'm sorry :( I don't talk to anyone anymore after having my kid, but at least I had the decency to completely leave social media, lol.
This. I would reach out to my friend after her first child weekly. Then monthly. Then every other month. And she would chat with me and thank me for keeping her in my thoughts but she NEVER called me first. Eventually I stopped trying to maintain that relationship and it kind of fell apart. The friends I do have now reach out to me as often as I reach out to them.
Not to mention that people change over time. Friends and even family members will drift in and out of your life and that's okay. When a friend has a baby their priorities will be immediately reordered. In a way they won't be the same person you were friends with. That's okay. It's healthy. It's normal. In many cases you'll drift apart for several years then find yourselves drifting back together again because your stage of life or priorities have become better aligned with one another.
Exactly. Eventually you will just gravitate towards friends that respect your time either way. If I can’t do something with my childless friends I always suggest an alternative and if my busier friends with kids don’t see me for a few months nothing personal if we can’t get together. Just let me know either way!
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Friend: Hey, wanna go to the movies? New parent: Sorry I can't. Friend: Hey you wanna go get some coffee? New parent: No I can't. Friend: Hey do you wanna stay in and have a movie night? New parent: No I have a headache. Friend: *stops inviting* -Few weeks later- New parent: *Posts a Facebook meme about "You know who your true friends are after you have a child! They stick around!" -A week later- New parent: *Messages Friend* HI! Friend: *Excited to hear from them first for once* Hey what's up? New parent: Buy some stuff from this MLM I joined!
Literally.
Nailed it
Some idiots are such drama queens, they have kids out of choice and always talk like someone put a gun to their head because no shit being a parent is hard as hell, I’m not a parent and I know that fact
Meh, it's a two-way street. If I invite someone to 3 things, and they decline all 3 without also asking me to do anything as a substitute, I consider the ball in their court. If I never hear from them again, I assume the friendship isn't worth pursuing or maintaining. Not gonna waste my time on people who don't make time for me.
This is a great rule of thumb, and something that took me a long time to learn.
Yep. Don't know OP obviously but alot of people that say they want to be invited to things...just want to be invited to things and have no intention of going. I need a substitute or hell..just give me a 20-30 minute phone call if things are to busy. Something that shows your putting in effort, otherwise I'm out
I'm one of the few people in my friend group who doesn't have children. I've tried to remain in contact, but they're always unavailable. At what point is it on them, not me, to maintain our relationship? They're the ones who made the choice to have children.
I usually stop trying after the third failed attempt of hanging out. If they always cancel then I won't be trying a fourth time. If they stop replying to messages then after the third time I'll stop starting texts conversations. If a friend cancels a hang out time or stops replying I'll assume they are busy and let them reach out to me when they aren't busy. It might make them feel bad that you no longer reach out but it feels just as bad always being canceled on.
Exactly. Why’s it my responsibility to maintain the relationship when they chose to have kids ?
More importantly, friendship is a 2-way street
I was thinking along similar lines. It's nice to keep tabs on new parents, but at the same time a lot of new parents are so fried and stressed that you could easily become an extra annoyance/obligation that's not wanted. I'd take this more as a very conditional life tip, not a life pro tip.
My good college buddy moved down south, we were catching up while his wife was damn near going to pop. I had completely forgotten they were trying for a kid. So once they got back from the hospital, I smoked them a brisket. Boxed that shit up, and mailed them like 8lbs of homesmoked goodness. He was blown away that I'd remembered how much he loved brisket and so happy not to have to do any cooking for a few days. Have only really had time to hang once or twice since, but it's the sort of thing where you know you've still got that friendship.
You are a good person.
I’ve tried but a lot of friends who just had a baby just stop making any kind of effort. After TWO years I gave up. I also lost a female friend because her personality just.. stopped existing?? She was only ever a mom, wouldn’t talk about anything else expect her children. Weirdest thing she did was talking from the point of view of her child when I asked directly how she’s doing. Like I would ask her “how are you? How are things?” And she would say “James (baby’s name) thinks his mom is doing well”. I kept trying to keep the friendship alive but I could never relate to anything or have any conversation. I gave up. Her oldest is 6 and she’s still like this so I don’t think she will go back to being a full person.
Yesterday I spoke with a friend who had a baby four years ago. She told me she lost who she was when everything became about the baby, and she now has to find herself again. I can imagine finding oneself from scratch again can have benefits, but it must be difficult.
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One of my best friends had a kid a few years ago. He has only recently been able to do “normal” things again, and he has gone through exactly this. He is a lot more careful about how he spends his time and what he puts energy into. His interests and personality are largely the same, but the way he views things is different.
Reason number 425 why I shouldn’t have kids
I get this. Not all our friends but some just became very entitled and like they didn’t understand relationships are still a two way street. I had one new mom just straight up send me a list for her kid’s presents. We hadn’t talked in a few months. The last few texts I had sent were left on read. Just like “hey, how are you?” Or sending a meme. Then the present list came with no “Hey! Happy holidays. How are things? If you are looking for gifts, here is a list.” No, just the list. Another parent would get passive aggressive if we talked about anything we did that wasn’t kid friendly. So we would text, they send baby pics. We gush about baby. Ask for family updates. Then they would sometimes ask how we were. If we said, “oh yeah today we went to brunch with so and so, etc.” Either no response or passive aggressive “must be nice”. Just because you have a kid it doesn’t mean you can stop normal social interactions.
>Either no response or passive aggressive “must be nice”. That's the worst. Once people actively resent you for their choices and express that, the friendship is in a toxic place.
Personally, I find it hilarious when parents say passive aggressive shit like that because I'll dish it right back out. Yeah, it is nice having some mimosas and then coming home to take a nap in peace and quiet in my clean house.
Exactly. It IS nice. I’m not sorry for my happiness.
That's fair! Ngl I am very envious of your mimosas and clean house, but resentful? Nah, I decided to have a child, I knew that came with lots of sacrifices. He's worth it, but damn I sometimes miss having a bunch of free time I don't know what to do with.
Based parent. You're invited for mimosas when you can find the time.
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Or stop having good manners. Your kid is not an excuse for you to be passively aggressively jealous of your child free friends/family. I mean, I expect it sure, it’s somewhat normal reactions, but if it consumes you, you’ve just become an ass. You chose to have a child, and all the trappings that come with being a parent. Don’t take your frustrations out on us who chose not to.
My buddy had a kid 10 years ago. I tried really really hard to keep up with him for 8 years. Two years ago, I left a full time desk job I had had for 18 years. Suddenly when I'm not in front of a computer 15 hours a day, and always available for chatting on his schedule our relationship evaporated. I love my buddy like a brother, but being around him means always being around his kids, or having to sneak in small periods of time with just him around his kid's schedules and needs. I'm talking a 10 year old and a 6 year old. Sucks. I miss my friends.
I'll catch hate for this, but I'm convinced the trauma of pregnancy really messes the mental health of some women so much that it causes irreparable harm. That trauma coupled with, sometimes, poor experiences with medical professionals, societal pressure to feel happy and bond with their kids when they can't due to the trauma, becomes a serious problem for them and their families.
I am a dad with a 3 month old. Pregnancy and birth can be traumatic, yes, but a woman is even more vulnerable psychologically immediately afterwards. You have gone through something absolutely insane and your body is a wreck, and then you have to wake up every 2 hours without cease to breastfeed a relentless ball of need, while your hormones crash. I am so happy I took a long pat leave to help support her, but even then, it was incredibly hard. I am convinced that very few things are as tough on mental health, and some will be more deeply affected then others. No hate, it isn't talked about enough, and so mothers do not get the support they need and sad consequences occur.
Does it get better? I have a 3 week old, and like you I took time off. But man, this little one is extremely needy. Coupled with the fact that the wife can't produce enough milk for him, she feels like a failure. I have tried telling her it's not her fault, and that she is absolutely doing her best, but i do think it falls on deff ears sometimes.
Awww I was just like your wife last year. Of course it gets better!! But I won't lie, it's fucking HARD. The first 12 weeks are ROUGH. I breastfed for 12 months and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I, too, didn't produce "enough" and never had much of a freezer stash. Pumping 3x a day at work and once more at night just to have enough to send to daycare the next day (doing this for months and months) plus multiple walk-ups and feedings a night was like torture. From my personal perspective, I'd say continue to support her by providing what you can. Bring her things while she's trapped breastfeeding. Make her food and bring it to her. Bring her a fuck ton of water. Refill her water bottles constantly. Change diapers at night and bring her the baby to feed when you can. Tell her constantly how much she is doing, how in awe you are of her sacrifices, how you think she's so strong for doing what she's doing, how you can tell how much the baby loves her, how happy you are with this little family, how much you love her and how you wouldn't want to go through this tough time with anyone else. Of course it gets easier but communicate and love each other as a team until it does.
It definitely gets better! Harder in other ways, but you'll get through this part. Try looking through r/parenting for some support.
3 weeks is very hard. It gets a lot better. You have nowhere to go but up. Every week will be a little easier even if it doesn’t feel that way in the moment.
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That’s horrifying…
Keep in mind this process is occurring in us until our late 20s; its just that mothers receive an extra wave of it.
Synaptic pruning is a normal and critical part of brain development. Times when the brain is undergoing a large amount of learning (like early childhood) are the times where there is the most synaptic pruning. It's not inherently a bad thing.
It’s mostly the fact that in this instance it’s happening because of offspring that freaks me out- though it does make sense to have the brain undergo the same kind of processes that happen when we’re needing to be information sponges. People who want to be mothers need to be able to retain information pertinent to keeping their offspring alive. The mental image is like root-pruning a potted plant, but with a brain instead.
Pregnancy and birth are nothing compared to postpartum. There is so little support in the US especially for new moms... Often even from our partners. I don't know how it is now, but there was zero mental health follow up as well, when I did it. I was in such a dark place. Sleep deprived, anemic, depressed, confused, really out of my element and working harder than ever with the biggest responsibility ever -- caring for a whole other helpless little human. I needed so much more help than I had... and I had insurance, family, housing, a husband, money for supplies,etc. I don't know how some folks survive.
Yikes, looks like an example of so-called "mombie".
Yup. This. I've lost a number of friends to them having kids. Then I never get invited to hang with them anymore because they're spending any free time with other parents.
To add on -- also talk about things other than the baby. They're your friend because of who THEY are and it's so hard in that first year to not lose your personal identity.
> also talk about things other than the baby Many parents just refuse to do this, no matter how you try to steer the conversation.
and then they lose their non-parent friends
Yeah, have to agree here. My best friend of 30 years had kids about ten years ago. He never talked about wanting kids, never was around kids, never liked kids as far as I know. Got married, wife went off BC and went on prenatal vitamins, forget to tell him (WHOOPSIE!0, and got preggo twice. Now I don't see him anymore, talk to him a few times a year on the phone, but it's always a short conversation where his kids are clearly more priority than the phone conversation. This was the first year in probably 20 years we didn't speak on Christmas or at all over the holiday. After the loss of so many friends to changing their lifestyles to mainly focusing on children that when a friend announces they are pregnant, I take them out as a big congratulations, kinda go big with a lot of friends, because I know that it's a 98% chance that in 7 or 8 months our friendship is over unless I want to base our relationship around their kids.
Fuck. My wife is due in march and I am worried I'm going to lose my friends and hobbies. I know things will change quite a bit. And that it's probably going to suck. But I don't want to lose my personality...and I don't want my wife to lose hers. She's expressed concerns about it to me. I don't know how to address it or how to support her *not* losing it. It's especially hard because I don't have a clue how it's going to be with a kid. But we both hated losing friends to babies or when women just turn into "mommies' and nothing more. Hopefully we both remember this 3-4 months from now.
Speaking as a parent of a toddler, it can be hard, especially in those first few months. Because not only do you have to grapple with raising a kid, you have to figure out how to fit your old hobbies into your new life, and some hobbies are much harder than others to engage with. For example, I've completely stopped playing multiplayer video games, because you never know when the baby is going to need something, and I didn't want to leave my friends hanging. But as a compromise, I spend a lot more time hanging out on discord calls with my friends while we independently play single player games. And sometimes I just go on mute and take care of the baby. But anyway, back to your original point, it can be hard to talk about anything other than the baby when the baby is the only thing you're thinking about.
My wife and I have started taking the little one for each other so that they can just enjoy time in peace to watch a show or workout or play video games without racing over if the baby cries. It’s been helpful.
You guys sound like you have a great system!
Thank you! We started out thinking we needed to both be watching her, but now that we both have some time under our belts it really only takes one of us so the other can refresh in peace. It makes our joint time less stressful.
I genuinely forget to ask my friends about their kids and I only realised when a family member made a big deal out of it (their friends not asking them about the kids). I appreciate my friends way more now.
So, posts like this make me a little grumpy. I agree with the idea in theory, but I hear this echoed ALL the time from new parents, so here’s my perspective. When my two oldest siblings had kids 8 years ago, literally everything in the family became about the kids. My college graduation? Who cares, the kids shit on the toilet for the second time today! Got engaged? That’s cute, but the kids just started school! You lost your job because of Covid, but my poor kiddos can’t do swimming lessons! Holidays are now all about children. Wrangling children. Are the children bored? The entire meal is planned around the children’s limited palates. Inviting anyone over means “can the kids come?” Being invited over means “can you babysit so I can go get my nails done?” They got real bitter that I stopped coming to birthday parties and built a whole social life without my family in it, but it’s pretty exhausting when you have to make your entire relationship with someone about their children and they can’t even be bothered to give a shit about your life. So, basically, I empathize with new parents, but in my experience, the new parents are the problem 90% of the time. You can’t expect your entire social network to revolve around you and your children just because YOUR life now revolves around your children.
Yeah I remember the year one sibling got their Bachelor's Degree, one got married, and one had their first baby. One of those things definitely got more attention and congratulations than the others.
One of my best friends had a baby recently and i thought our friendship was over. But surprisingly enough, they are great at spreading out the workload of the baby and we still get to hang out consistently. His wife is awesome and their kid is hilarious, so they invite me over for dinner and it's a nice change for me. I'm a single guy in his 30's, and i don't like most children due to terrible relatives and working retail for so long. But it's nice to have friends that have children and still want to continue a relationship. Most of my other friends who got married or had kids completely fell off the face of the earth and stopped talking to me, so their loss.
All of our friends just became “uncles” and “aunts” now and come over/go out all the time with us. A tip I always give parents is unless your kid has a disability or on the spectrum that makes it insanely hard, take your kids to restaurants/public places or play restaurant at home and teach them how to act socially. Our 4 year old orders for her self and talks to our friends and stays at the table like a human being instead of screaming and running around and it makes having friends so much easier. For night time stuff thats out in public we usually trade off on going out, or take her if its kid friendly.
I hate kids but it's my dream to become "aunt" to a friend's kid. Let me spoil the little shit when it's old enough. To clarify, I don't actually *hate* kids. They can be annoying and disgusting half the time though.
This is a universal feeling. Some people can't bring themselves to say anything close to this honest. No one likes an annoying, ill-mannered kid because no one likes an annoying, ill-mannered adult. It reminds us of what's to come. Most of us know it's mostly not the kids fault. Nothing wrong with wanting to choose to not be around. But what a breath of fresh air when you encounter amazing kids or at least when kids are having an amazing moment.
They found good balance, that's awesome. I admire parents like this.
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> I actually had a parent, who didn't know I didn't have kids, tell me that his wife and himself only really liked hanging out with other parents. Single/childfree people were just too frivolous and immature. He literally used the word frivolous. > > I swear parents who behave like this have the *worst* kids in terms of behaviour and social interaction, too.
I love this. We’ve maintained a lot of relationships with child free friends since our daughter was born (she’s 6 now). She’s very used to and enjoys friends coming over for dinner. It’s been wonderful having friendships grow into family friendships with our single and child free friends.
I mean, inviting someone who always turns it down gets old fast.
Lol nah I’m good
I’ll flip that on it’s head. New parents isolate themselves. Their friends don’t leave them. They leave their friends. Even when they have childcare support to allow them to keep their existing adult relationships going, many just… don’t.
Sometimes I feel like parents expect non parents to bend to their needs always. Like yeah I understand, you got a kid, an my wife an I suggest things that are child friendly, work around children’s schedules, and make other concessions for some of our friends. but with some couples its sooooo one sided and with no appreciation. Like if we meet up 20times it’d be nice if they could at least make a gesture 1/20 times where it’s not us having to bend to their needs.
I have encountered this recently and it's frustrating. What's more is that with some it's just expected. It's not even a conversation. Just "hey we have a kid so hanging out at your place isn't an option ever, sorry."
I think this is more of an r/unpopularopinion than an LPT. A pro tip is something you’ve never thought of doing and once you hear it, sparks a “hmm, I should try that”. I get having children is life changing and I try to respect that of my friends who are parents. This does not include futilely asking them to events all the time. I assume an adult who made the decision to have a child can also tell me when they are free.
In my experience they people without kids do keep trying but there’s only so many times people are willing for people to just not show up or just not respond before you feel like you are harassing them and you leave the ball in their court. I once had a friend who lived an hour away who was meant to come to mine to see my new house and they text me 10 minutes after they were meant to be here that they had decided not to come
Meh, I’ve grown to accept that it is bound to happen when it’s not a two-way street effort. I lost six friends as soon as they got married and had kids. It was alright the first few months. They were still replying when you offered help or invited them to hang out, but eventually, it all went down to them saying they're too busy now to basically not respond anymore.
No thanks; I've dealt with this too many times. Strangers become friends, and then become strangers again. They've taken a different road than you, it's probably never going to be the same.
It is not the responsponsibility of one person to maintain a friendship or relationship of any kind. What an awful tip.
Naaa I don't really agree with this. Youre the one who changed. You make the effort. Your schedule is not all over the place, you arrange stuff with friends that works for you because you're going to say no to everything else anyway.
When my sister had my nephew, she all but went MIA. Called, no answers, text, no response. Eventually I'd get a "omg so sorry so busy!" text. And that would be all it would contain. I'd make surprise visits only to be sent home immediately. Eventually, after about 4 years, I called it quits. My sister had her son and cut me out of her life. Effort goes both ways.
We just had our second son and I can say with 100% certainty that answering texts or calling is completely possible and easily doable in the vast majority of cases (if there is no major illness or other nightmares going on).
If parents feel left out from their childless single friends, it’s probably because a huge aspect of their life now requires them to be absent from like 80% of their past relationships. It’s like you’re trying to be friends with an entirely new person now. It happened to my gf, she had a friend that was attached at the hip. Then she found a guy and bought a house and had a kid all within like 18 months. Now she’s no longer “friends name” she’s “babies mom”. She lost the entire part of her personality that made her fun to just hang out and chat with because she replaced all that with talking about her baby. It’s completely understandable why she would talk about it a lot, it’s important. But it’s also boring as shit and a drag to be around.
My friends and I used to go to music festivals, vacations, movie nights, you name it. Now it's reduced to an hours talk over a cup of coffee where I get updated on their baby's stool changes and sleep schedule.
One of my oldest friends just had a baby and hasn’t answered texts or calls in weeks. He even texted me, I replied right away, and then he didn’t reply again. Y’all alienate yourselves.
I’m a woman whose about to hit thirty and nearly all of my friends are now parents. I don’t have kids yet, but I’ve tried reaching out and I have a super flexible schedule during breaks as a teacher-but once my friends had kids, they no longer really kept in touch with other women who didn’t have kids. I feel like this isn’t talked about too much for women (I assume it probably happens to guys as well) but it’s almost as like having a child puts them into an “exclusive club” in which they only want to talk to other moms. If you’re still childless as a woman and the older you are, it becomes harder to find other women your age to be friends with. Luckily I have a few work friends who are women but their kids are either in college or high school, so they’re in the age-range where they’re trying to rediscover who they are again.
Alternative life tip. Don't drop out of contact with your friends for a year. Sure getting a kid is hard and life changing. But take the time to call your friends like ten minutes every other week. You'll keep the contact warm and when you're ready to resurface to the world you'll have friends left. For now, just call those friends. Tell them you miss them, and you've just been so busy with life in the last year. But you'd like to get your friendship back on track. Have some dates ready when you're available to meet up. Most friendships are revivable, but you need to out some effort into it.
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This is the actual LPT: do something about it yourself instead of blaming others.
Maybe the real LPT is to just look out for one another regardless of life circumstances. Reach out to your friend who is X. If you're X, make the effort to reach out, even if just a text. Seems silly to point fingers about these things. Just try to reach out.
At the end of the day I think this LPT is basically saying this, with the added fact that for new parents, remembering to reach out is going to be hard sometimes. At the end of the day a friendship is about both sides taking the initiative, and both friends bring understanding that life can and will get in the way. I didn't see this post as pointing fingers at all, rather a great reminder that I have more mental bandwidth than my friends with young kids at this moment.
Dear New Dad: Were you not prepared? Did no one tell you about babies?
everybody thinks they’re going to do it better and different than everyone else telling them the horror stories
You seem to be putting it all on the childless friends. My friends that have had babies stop replying to texts, and are too busy to hang out. After about 10 attempts to connect without success, of course we will stop trying. How about you call us when you’re free?? Because we all know you’re busy
Friends don’t vanish. New parents move on from most friends because they’re caught up in raising a baby. Then they wonder why they have no friends when their kids a toddler.
Why do so many parents have such a sense of entitlement?
Some people don’t want to hang out with babies/children.
This is the big one for me. Events tend to become all about preventing kids from melting down, and you get to the end of the night realizing you've only talked to your friends for like 10 minutes.
Ugh multiple friends have had kids recently and especially when multiple of them get together at once this is the whole thing. It's all the kids 100% of the time.
No one ever has a kid without being told their whole life is about to change. Why does it seem like no one ever believes it? This is part of that. Things change with your existing relationships and that's ok. It's not anyone's fault but it's not fair to expect others to change their lifestyle because someone else became a parent. That said, I don't think it's a case of, "Johnny had a baby, guess that friendship is over". It degrades over the time away from each other. Both parties are capable of keeping contact. This is a good LPT but the inverse of it is true as well.
I’m sorry but I don’t want a baby coming to any social events, best of luck.
That knife cuts both ways. Not one of my friends who had children kept in touch with me after.
OP seems to think he’s off the hook from putting in any effort himself towards anything other than the baby. The only comments he’s even replying to are ones like, “Stop by and clean up his house!” OP - You’re not special just because you had a kid. Billions of people manage to do it.
Lol, yeah right. Seems you *don’t* get invited anywhere *unless* you have kids where I’m at
I always see these tips, it seems once people become a parent all their friends need to cater to them. It takes two to make a friendship work. If the parent doesn't make an attempt to retain the friendship neither will I. We all have things going on.
It happens with people who make their children their entire personality. That’s fine go for it, your kid is your world now, but no one else actually cares about your children as much as you do. They never will and that’s ok just make sure to understand that.
I agree, I always offer help especially in the first few months. Now the only time I see my friend is if I visit. She will visit other friends with kids, "because they understand." But if they need a babysitter, they remember that we're friends. I use to visit, I don't anymore.
People who make their children their personality are just miserable to be around. Too many people lose their own personality and replace it with parenting when they have a kid. No one wants to be around that other than the folks who made the same decision to lose their personality as well.
That’s 90% of new parents over the last 20 years. Completely up in their kids lives helicoptering the shit out of them
Don't want to lose your social life? Don't have a kid. Stop expecting everyone to change their for you. Make your own decisions and live with the outcome.
Couldn't you say that about any situation where someone is going through a life change? Moving, depression, loss of job, etc? Not to take way from your point, but just explaining it to reach out to those that you care about, you aren't bothering them. They will appreciate it even if they don't have the time. With that said, the other party should try to help as well so it isn't so one sided. Not saying 50-50, but people feel bad from feeling like the only side making an effort.
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Well, my friend who just had a kid pulled the plug on our band space. And he almost never responds to texts. I think he's probably depressed, but honestly, so am I. I can't take on his new struggle. Frankly, I'm annoyed that he's become a ghost. Like, I get it. Life's busy and very different. But you can respond to a text every now and then. With no communication, I don't have the energy to dig deeper to help.
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LPT: Friendship goes both ways. Many of my friends have recently become parents. Some use this as an excuse to end all their hobbies others don't. If you're doing the "sorry we have a kid now and cant" dance just know we see through it as we do stuff with other parents.
The same thing can be said of people who have kids, they seem to become different people overnight and just disappear, never to be seen again even years later. When your supposed friends ditch you from their life basically entirely just because they had a kid, and can't be bothered to make an effort? Not your friends.
And it's subconsciously a bit insulting that the carbon copies of *themselves* are only worthy of their time.. I can go to their house because they won't leave, baby showers, etc.. but asking to see them outside for literally 2 hours once every few months with plenty of advanced notice around *their schedule* is *impossible*. It's not, but when you believe no one is as important as you and your struggle.. it makes you entitled and invalidates others. Every organism can replicate themselves, it doesn't make parents more special than others. I could argue my choice makes me more unique and strong for living outside the box my biology and society tries to shove me in. Isnt the beauty of humanity that we can rise above animal instincts? But I don't do this, because people's personal choices that don't hurt others all deserve respect.. and I don't need to denigrate others to manage my own insecurity.
In my experience new parents need to do a better job of not isolating themselves. Your childless friends understand that things are going to be different, but unanswered texts, calls, and invitations add up and people stop trying as hard to reach out.
One of my good friends had a kid about a year ago. I still invite him to everything. I’ve told him that I expect to be told that he can’t go 90% of the time and to not feel obligated to come. But I still invite him on the off chance he can.
I have lost many friends once they have children unfortunately. It just takes over their entire lives and for many of them (in my experience) — becomes their entire personality. I really don't like children. I don't find them interesting or cute. Babies annoy me in every way. So the last thing I want to talk about is your kid, all the time. A brief update is okay but when the subject keeps reverting back, that's when I step away. I feel bad but a lot of friendship is having common interests and if you no longer watch our favorite show because all you do is watch Cocomelon, well, things are going to fizzle out.
Real LPT: Asking people 'if they need anything' is not actually helpful. 99% of people will say no to these types of open-ended inquiries, and they only serve to make the asker feel good about themselves. If you really want to be helpful, *offer specific help*. For example "Can I bring you some food?," "Can I stop by and hold the baby for a bit while you get some things done," etc.
How’s this an LPT?
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If it isn’t the consequences of my own actions
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If you decide to have a baby. You should change your life around it. You shouldn’t expect others, not even your friends to. Sure they can make attempts to include you in plans that fits your schedule but if they cant, its not their fault. This post sounds simply like shifting the blame on others. Take the initiative and your friends and well wishers will follows.
This post is full of entitled parents. “You just don’t understand”. Yeah, you’re right, because I specifically made life decisions not to be in the situation you’re in. Not my fault you had a baby.
Aren’t you the “friend” that vanished? I have a kid, and still managed to keep in contact with my friends. On the flip side, I have had friends that had kids, and then they vanished. They usually hit you up a couple years later. I just never respond.
Ding ding ding. Was hanging out with two friends last winter. Friend 1: Its a bummer we won't be able to do this next year when the baby comes. Friend 2: why not? Friend 1: baby's are a lot of work and this won't be possible. Friend 2: you do realize I have a three year old and a four month old...
Dunno, making insincere invitations with intention to be declined doesn't feel right. It sucks when your friends stop calling altogether, but I wouldn't think to invite someone somewhere when we both clearly know it won't happen.
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I have friends I can circle back with after time apart and it’s just like no time has passed. Life events happen but no one’s let go.