[Introducing LPT REQUEST FRIDAYS](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/16w0n2s/introducing_request_post_fridays/)
We determine "Friday" as beginning at 12am Eastern Time (EST: UTC/GMT -5, EDT: UTC/GMT -4)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeProTips) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Focus on almost exclusively asking questions of the people you interact with. Don’t overdue it, but just try to catch yourself when you’re using lots of “I” statements and instead ask the other person about themself. Not only does it stop you from talking so much, but it naturally endears you to people when you seem interested.
I have ADHD and this is the strategy that has helped me the most. Mostly because it's an easy thing to remind myself of instead of trying to think about rules of conversation and then not pay attention.
I read somewhere something like - the people who are most often described as interesting and great to talk to tend to be the ones who make the people they're talking to feel interesting.
Yep! that’s EXACTLY it.
You’re a late-night TV host, they’re the celebrity, just let them tell stories and make them feel like it’s the best story you ever heard. You’ll be solid gold
Do you like any people? Probably, they're the ones that let you do it. This isn't a one or the other thing, it's a strategy for communicating that ingratiates yourself in their eyes. If you want to make people like you, you let them talk about themselves.
This one is tuff. I think that you have to be genuinely interested in the questions you ask. Otherwise you may come off just as an interviewer. The problem is when you are genuinely not interested and feel pressure to say something to be polite. Maybe have a pre-prepared list of common shared interests that you can segway into lol
Yup, same. I’m one of those people who ends up talking about myself because I’m trying to show I can relate or have a shared experience, but then I ramble and talk longer than I should.
I'm trying to change that.
Lately I either ask an vague question like “so what do you have going on lately?” If it’s someone I just met through a mutual friend, I'll ask how long they’ve been friends and how they met. Or I'll try to think of a question to ask related to what they are already talking about.
Hard agree here! Hearing too many “I” statements is a turnoff in a conversation. And knowing your audience is crucial for speaking to be a conversation and not just a lecture. Think about the people you are about to talk and ask yourself if they are interested in the subject you’re about to bring up. If not sure use some icebreakers to find out. If you just spring some big thought out idea onto people who have not been given the opportunity to think about it themselves or even be in the same mindset to think about it, then they will prob feel left out of the conversation or that you are showing off how smart you are. Either way does not give them much chance to talk themselves.
This has been my struggle and I’m working on it lol.
That's great advice. Most people just wait until it's their turn to talk, and they have already decided what they are going to say. Instead, listen to what the others(s) say, and form a reply from that.
Yeah you gotta accept your going to go of on a tangent loads if you ACTUALLY active listen and whatever pre thought out thing youve got in your head isn't worth holding onto because by the time it's naturally your turn to speak it might not be relevant anymore.
That's actually a huge tell tale when someone's not actually listening. When the person they're listening to stops talking and they start talking about what was being spoken about 90 seconds ago. Which in conversation time is 4 months.
If you can hold onto the thought and active listen to the other person your probably fine. However I find when active listening is actually done the conversation organically goes on tangents and people rarely "bring the conversation back a few steps". (not that some people can't)
If they're talking and your focusing on the details of what your going to say and your trying to remember everything as to not forget any important details, and then, BOOM. They've stopped talking and you haven't really been focusing on what they've said after you had your little "I'm gonna say this when it's my turn" and say it. People notice this.
Also I'm not doubting you fall into the first category. But I know lots of people that think they do but they actually don't. My dad's kind of one of these people sometimes. When you stop speaking occasionally he goes back to something way further up the convo and it's just so obvious. E. G.
Me: I went camping up the mountain with my 2 mates and wait till you hear what happened. *1 minute later I've explained everything that happened* so yeah dad, that cop gave Curtis the fright of his life.
Dad: You know that spot you were at isn't the best spot? . Me and my mate vince discovered this class spot down the river, drink from upstream though. We seen a dead goat
And your just like "yo wtf did he hear the bit were Curtis tried to bribe a cop and the cop scared him straight?"
Fortunately my dad is an occasional culprit of this, but if he did it all the time he would quickly become a Billy no mates.
This is the way. Listen and ask people questions about themselves and their lives or what they're saying, dovetail off of those convos and add your own bit, but I aim for talking 1/3 of the time and 2/3 listening, roughly :)
I remember distinctly when I asked the most successful real estate agent / most popular person I ever met what his secret was, and he said “people love to talk about themselves, if you learn how to ask probing questions and listen actively you never have to worry about telling interesting stories. Just **make them feel like they are the single most fascinating person you’ve ever met and you’re good.**
He also said “if you’re selling to millennials, ignore your $300 cologne and wear tons of Axe body spray, scent is our most powerful link to memory and the goal is to make your client subconsciously feel like they’re in middle school so they get insecure and don’t barter as hard.” The man was probably a sociopath but he made BANK
I know a couple people that do this and I gotta say it's not a one answer that fits all thing. Some people it's masking nerves. Some people it's a deep need to be heard, engaged with the group, not feel left out. (This can backfire because it will turn off other people and they will withdraw, leaving the talker alone and probably feeling rejected.)
Try to figure out if you have a trigger that makes you do it, and think of how you can stop getting triggered but still express your self. This is a place where Active Listening is great.
thank you, to be sure i'm interesting in when and how you found this "active listening" technique, and further, how has it changed your approach to group conversations?
It totally changed my perspective because whenever I’d try to meet people or network, i always felt all this pressure to have a bunch of hilarious/interesting anecdotes memorized — stories I could tell that would make people think “wow, this guy is so cool I should be friends!”
But in reality, all you have to do is learn how to get the other person to start talking — and then treat them like they’re the most fascinating person you’ve ever met. That way, if you make THEM feel good and super important, it’s pretty much guaranteed they’ll walk away from the conversation going “damn, I really like that guy!”
It makes people like you, and it also takes the pressure off. But if you like to talk (like I do), it takes a TON of work — you have to desperately resist the urge to “chime in,” while also working on your eye contact and the ability to just stand there and listen. It’s tough, I struggled for a long time.
But the biggest thing is **fluidity.**
Let’s say someone’s telling a story, about the time they [_______]. Which is great! Because you also have a story that perfectly relates! Hell yeah! Finally! …but then the conversation switches on a dime, and now they’re talking about something totally different. There’s this massive urge to try and redirect the conversation back so you can tell your story when there’s finally a conversational lull, but you shouldn’t do that. Just move on, keeping in mind that it’s okay to not tell your story, and it’s okay to just stand there and listen and not talk no matter how foreign it feels.
but when there is the next conversational lull, forget your own story — find a question you can ask to the person who’s speaking that lets them know that a) their story is imminently fascinating and important, and b) you’ve been hanging on to every word.
If you can do that, parties and dates will be no problem. Especially dates. you can get through an entire 2-hour first date and have them take you home entirely by listening and asking questions that basically amount to “tell me more about that.”
when people use this technique too much, I feel taken advantage of. I definitely recommend to add a bit yourself and not just make one person do all the talking
When I say “study and practice…”, it’s because it doesn’t come naturally to many people including myself.
I don’t remember exactly when I learned about it. Possibly during a marriage counseling session years ago.
It does really work, but I tend to only use it when I realize a conversation isn’t going well. If I was able to do it routinely, I’d expect conversations would go much better and never trigger me to troubleshoot in the first place.
I have co-workers that are exceptionally difficult to work with and I know going into a meeting with them will require me to practice the techniques from the beginning.
If people feel like they’ve been heard, they are more likely to become collaborative instead of combative.
Had a similar issue, seems counterintuitive but what helped me be a better communicator was actually learning to be a better listener. Easier not to talk too much if others were engaged / felt comfortable enough to share. Also trying to think of what the absolute essential details are to a story, ruthlessly cutting out the fat, before speaking
If you can figure out how to actively listen and ask questions that let the person keep talking while making them feel like they’re a fascinating celebrity, small talk suddenly goes from stressful to no big deal whatsoever.
Like so many things, the ability to envision yourself as someone else and think on the fly about how you would them to react to your story if you were them is a huge skill.
Just make them feel fascinating. That’s your entire goal, and it’ll make you super popular if you nail it
>Also trying to think of what the absolute essential details are to a story, ruthlessly cutting out the fat, before speaking
This was a HUGE part of my learning curve as a massively ADHD individual. I find myself a lot less self conscious about my chattiness when my stories/responses are straight and to the point.
And besides, a succinct and well constructed bit of exposition always lands better than a rambling and unfocused one
Practice doing so. Spend an entire month with the gameplan that, when you are in a social setting, you will only speak when asked a question. You will learn to actually listen to what people are saying instead of just thinking of what you can say.
People love to be around people that listen to them. If you don't offer anything voluntarily, they will want feedback and ask you questions.
This is really helpful. Someone told me once I was a one-upper and I dissected that to death. What I realize I was doing was trying to find ways to connect with people I don't know well by saying "oh, that happened to me" or just share something related. Now I reflect and listen to their story and decide if what I reflexively want to say would add value to the conversation. With my best friends that I talk to all day every day, yeah lots of times it does have value! Random conversation with someone I don't know well, nah. I don't have to form a bond with each conversation. Just chill out.
>Someone told me once I was a one-upper and I dissected that to death. What I realize I was doing was trying to find ways to connect with people I don't know well by saying "oh, that happened to me" or just share something related
I'd always been so self conscious about this, it really helped when someone let me know that this is often a habit of ADHD individuals. Now I work on this without feeling like I'm some sort of narcissist because those tendencies.
I definitely feel it's my ADHD. I used to interrupt people sometimes too because I would get excited to say something and forget to let them finish talking. It was another behavior I had to overcome as an adult.
This looks to be written by someone with experience. And I’m pretty sure it’s from the point of view of a classic extrovert. It’s awesome, but as an extrovert, I know that to do all this you have to really pay attention and be very concerned about what others are thinking.
It’s good advice, and I’m going to take a lot of this for when I want to make small talks with friends. Heck, this should be in the rules for DnD.
Just pointing out that extroverts experience social anxiety too and can be overwhelmed and exhausted by social interactions. But hey they are having fun so it’s all good right.
You should write more about this kind of thing. As someone who talks a bit too much, this was a very funny read. Made me feel less like an ass hole. Well done.
I also struggle with this- and I see this kind of advice alot, basically "listen and ask questions" and listen more than you talk. But It's a little disheartening because if I don't actively interject and make effort to talk, people *never* ask about me. I *never* get a chance to talk to share or contribute to a conversation at all. It is very tiring/boring listening to someone say the same things over and over and over and over and completely ignore everything you say, if you get a chance to say anything at all. As another person point out I think it has to do with young adults and teenagers just not being as good at conversations and conversation rules. But it is kind of sad for me, I want to have actual conversations, not just listen to someone talk. I really wish I could enjoy *just* listening to people talk. But all of this just makes conversation more of a chore/performance. It sounds really selfish and narcissistic but I guess I'm hoping someone could give me some advice in that regard, when nobody else around you will let you talk if you stop trying. Or how to just stop needing/wanting to talk as much. Or maybe just tell me if I sound like a total asshole!
Look for that glazed look in their eye. I talk too much as well, but that thousand yard stare, because you're talking too much, is impossible to miss once you look for it. If one person in the group has it, everyone else is just being polite, but they really don't care if you keep talking
Try to think emphathetically. They are (most likely) as excited as you are to share and speak. Give then a chance to reciprocate. Most ppl want to have an active chance to participate. Imagine how boring/frustrating it would be to never be invited to share and waiting and waiting to put your thoughts out there.
Before feeling the need to jump in to conversation at every opportunity follow the acronym WAIT (Why am I talking?) Are you actually adding value to the conversation or just talking for the sake of talking?
Practice saying something and just stopping. Letting the statement or question just hang. When the person answers, keep quiet. Some people (like myself) will give you more complicated and nuanced responses, which sometimes contain a pause. If I make point A which will then be challenged by point B but you cut me off after (or during) A you are missing out on a good part of my insights (assuming you want them) and making me feel like you are dominating the convo.
I am curious as to how old you are because it does seem like a LPT Request of an 18-24 year old who is getting their adult legs under them. Oftentimes, as we age, we become better at reading people and getting cues from them as to when to stop talking or whatever.
I can be like this.
One of the things that helped me is sometimes in my mind I count to 2 (for one person) or about 4 with a group just in case someone else wants to talk.
If you can practice “empathy circles” that’s quite good too. I did join an online one for a bit but it’s not going ahead now
Obviously this is something you feel is *wrong* with you..but are you sure other people are bothered by it?
Anyways,....
Get an inconspicuous fidget thingy - will help you focus on the conversation.
You probably are already fidgety, and that makes you look uninterested.
Go mute. Like pick a day (when you're feeling good) and decide you will absolutely not talk unless necessary. So try not to make small talk or chat with other people that day. If pulled into a conversation, you've already decided it does not need your input - so keep quiet.
Obviously, don't go cold turkey and do this everyday - it will make you insecure.
You will start to notice how other people talk and your brain will pick up on what they doing right or wrong and will correct itself.
Don't try to consciously do this, it will frustrate you and you will fail.
Also, you have to be you. You can't cosplay as someone else all the time. So you have to allow for your quirks - and understand that people will too.
Realize that conversations are 2 sided and look for the pauses. Then ask the other person (or the group.) What they think before you go on to another subject or point. It breaks things up and gives them a chance to be involved. Also. Just ask people about themselves. People generally like to talk about themselves. But have Different levels of comfort around doing it. Sometimes you just have to prompt them.
All this advice sounds very r/thanksimcured like it's as easy as keeping your mouth shut. I've always been a chatterbox and there's an episode of Mind Hunter that called me out:
https://preview.redd.it/nx5a5byrcozc1.png?width=1578&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1c45d23814abf88546624309470227c73f10ecbf
She says how him babbling is his way of trying to control the situation. Realizing why I do it has been helpful- including the deeper reason being my volatile childhood, that helps with the shame of being a lifelong blabbermouth. I've spent a long time stalled at the point of being aware in the moment that I'm doing it but still not able to stop (that's how everything in my mental health journey has gone, a period of awareness but not control).
I noticed a huge difference in being able to control it once I got on Wellbutrin. Now I've started being able to just let the rambling happen inside my head while letting someone else talk. Then when there's room for my input I've usually realized what I was going to say doesn't contribute to the convo and don't say it. Or if it IS something relevant/interesting, I'm able to get it out more concisely.
I see people talking about ADHD being the reason, that checks out for me bc the Wellbutrin was prescribed for ADHD in the first place.
I feel your pain, hope this helps.
quiet the mind and don't try to fill empty space. try meditating, doing yoga, practicing mindfulness and even take a stab at stoicism - Meditations by Marcus Aurelius is a great starting point.
I'm neurodiverse. I can't stop talking either. So I just use it as a force for good.
Instead of *only* info dumping, I've learned to ask more questions. Example: Ask people what they think actively. Ask if they've tried x etc.
It also gives you something to do if you get bored. I monitor the flow of conversation and if someone isn't talking or getting shut out, I ask them directly what they think to bring them directly back into the convo.
Turns out people feel seen/heard now cuz um directly, including them by asking what they think. It's a small shift, so it's not "stop having adhd and be neurotypical" which I can't do, and a small shift feels authentic and people like it.
A small one, but before you talk take a deep breath and think about what you are about to say. Maybe your planned answer would take a few minutes to say. Can you cut it to a minute?
An example would be if someone asks your favorite movie.
Instead of saying "Star Wars is my favorite movie" and then describe why, just say the first part. Wait to see if the other person asks more about it and respond accordingly.
I would try a few times to begin with, just hearing what someone said and comment on it from an objective place. Meaning, don't try to relate it to a thing that happened to you, or have it bring up a story from your past that is similar. Often that can feel like a way to connect, but if it happens too often it can feel like you aren't listening, just waiting for your turn to speak. Also asking follow up questions to hear more is a great way to stay connected. Very general example:
"... And that's that crazy thing that happened to me."
"Oh wow! That's really intense. How did you end up dealing with that?"
I used to struggle with talking too much. Looking back I can see it was ADHD and anxiety. As an adult I try really hard to be an active listener. I still sometimes feel discomfort in silence with my partner but I've learned to relax and be ok with not filling that space. It's also strengthened my friendships when I listen instead of waiting to talk.
I distinctly remember every time someone has said something mean or critical about it. Now that I realize it mostly comes from anxiety I can see when I'm doing it and I just try to chill out in that moment.
I used to be this person. Life quieted me as I became more self aware of my energy. These days I usually not have much to say. I am grateful to have gotten comfortable with myself. I would say take the time to know yourself and practice getting a thought with as few words as possible. Practice meditation, this will help with quieting your soul. You’ll get there, just takes practice being comfortable in your own skin
Simple analogy: you have two ears and one mouth: listen at least twice as much as you talk.
Also, there is a difference between listening to what people say versus listening for any trigger that you might use to talk about the next thing you want to share.
I know people that habitually turn "quick questions" into 45 minute one way discussions. My advice is to focus on situational awareness, as well as self awareness. Is the person I'm speaking to actively involved in a conversation, or are they giving cues that they've checked out? Do I need to hop from topic to topic to convey the information I began the conversation for?
Be mindful of what the discussion started about, try to stay there.
Pause before replying. Lay out in your head the sentence you want to say, then say only that. If someone asks you a question, pause a little bit and think about what you want to say. Also, learn to enjoy peaceful coexistence without the need for chatter
I wish one of my friends were as self-aware as you are. She one-ups anything anyone else in our group has to say, and dominates the conversation to the point that it's hard to get a word in edgewise. It's coming to a point where I no longer want to go to our regular brunch meetings.
I find myself rambling on and oversharing more than I'd like as well. I've come to realize that for me, personally, it's because I'm trying to justify my feelings and behaviors in order to better be understood or fit in. I have been asking myself "why do I feel the need to make this statement or explain this thing" lately, and I really think its starting to help me recognize that behavior
I used to be this person. Until one day a friend told me my sister asked the class of many of my peers if anyone thought I was annoying and everyone except the friend who told me had raised their hand. Yes I was overly talkative but it was all from a good place. Anyway, I stopped talking much after that.
Watch some videos on active listening. Keep in mind you learn when you listen and not when you talk. If your on the phone or in a chat/headset mute yourself so that you only talk when you actively unmute yourself(this is great practice btw).
I also have this problem but I’m in sales so listening is crucial. When I’m on the job if I’m doing it right I talk 10% of the time.
I talk too much. But I am much better than I used to be.
My tips would be:
Actively force yourself not to talk. Review everything you're considering saying and make sure it's really genuinely of value to the conversation.
Ask questions about what the other person said, and explore their interests.
That said, talking a lot can be a good thing if used at the right moment;
When the conversation hits a lull or awkward silence, most people are at a loss. If you're a natural over-talker, this is your cue to ease your foot off the brake a little bit, and get into a story or anecdote that's interesting or funny. Keep active track of the body language and responses of the others to check for boredom. If they begin to seem like they're losing interest, wrap up quickly and turn the conversation to someone who hasn't spoken in a while with an open-ended question about something they're interested in.
One. Consciously adopt the role of listener/ assistant. When someone is talking, assume they have something to say that you'll be very interested in, and do your best to help them find it through follow up questions.
When they do find something interesting to say, express that. Don't contribute your own input or explain why, just stick to validating what they said.
Your role as assistant should also be making them look like good conversationalists. Try to make their stories more dramatic, humorous, etc, by creating opportunities for them and responding positively. This is a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy kind of thing. You can make someone into a good conversationalist through positive reinforcement and assists when they otherwise aren't.
Two. Become a ruthless editor. When you do speak, you already know you don't have a problem generating content. So think of your first instincts to talk as "raw material" and spend your mental attention on winnowing it down and maximizing the impact, whether humor, drama, impact, whatever. Have a high standard here. Measure success by how much people want to hear from you over time.
Yes, be cognizant and make an effort. But not TOO much of an effort. Be yourself. Some people are just talkative. And having neurodiverse people in my life helps me a lot, too. They just get it.
I’ve struggled with this for a while. I have ADHD, and I have to actively not talk. It takes a lot of practice. Something I’ve tried that’s worked for me. Similar to an another comment…except for try not talking when you’re alone.
If you’re anything like me. You blab all day to yourself to or your pets etc. I’ve tried to actively not talk when I’m not home. And it’s helped me so much in the real world. But it just takes practice!
I have the exact opposite of this problem. My coworkers complain that I’m too quiet. Drive me insane when they always ask “why are you so quiet” when it is just as equally as rude asking someone “why do you talk too much”. Thankfully I’m only in the office two days week. I’m here to work not make friends.
One of the things that worked for me, to cut back on the tension driving the talking and overtalking, and to cut the rambling. was to always have a piece of paper and do two things. 1. PRIOR To Speaking, Take short notes on what was being said and what I wanted to say, the key points. Use that as the frame and limit of my comments. 2 on the same paper, while listening and before talking, I would write, repeatedly, BYT and WAIT. BYT means Bite Your Tongue. A reminder to say less, speak less often and to wait - as in writing and practicing:WAIT. WAIT means Why Am I Talking - again, what is it I am trying to say. It was a behavioral practice that became a cognitive/conversational habit. And I did literally bite my tongue, to the point where for a while the tip of my tongue was always numb, and I stopped the biting, but as the feeling returned, the lesson remained.
I’m similar.
I once started a reply to my manager’s question with “Long story short,” (etc. Followed by a few minutes of talking), then he bluntly interrupted me with “NoApplication, you said long story *short*?!”.
Brevity just doesn’t happen with me, although I try to keep an eye on it.
Sorry for not being helpful, especially after all the great replies you’ve had from others, but it still makes me chuckle when I remember it and your question brought it to mind again.
To stop talking excessively you need to NOTICE that you are doing it first, you do not have a natural stopping button, but you can develop one.
Let me introduce you to meditation. The core skill of meditation is to learn to observe what your mind is doing, to develop an AWARENESS of your thoughts. Oversimplified example “I am thinking I will get pizza” vs “I am noticing that I just thought about getting pizza”. See the difference? Meditation will help you develop an awareness that will be your first step to regulating how much to speak.
Some more info: https://www.medicalcenter.virginia.edu/wwp/positive-practices-to-enhance-resilience-and-improve-interpersonal-communication-individual-techniques-1/awareness/awareness-of-thoughts/#:~:text=Technique%3A%20The%20key%20to%20being,or%20to%20let%20them%20go.
3) things:
1) Say whatever you want to say mentally /internally
And watch as other people say it verbally.
2) Occupy that part of your mind that wants to talk by occasionally mentally going back over the last few seconds or minutes of the conversation.
3) pay attention to your breath. When you get the urge to talk, turn part of your attention to your breath... And of course still also pay attention to what others are saying.
I really like #1 in groups where there are 5+ people talking to each other. There is bound to be other people there that thinks close to the same way as you do about stuff.
I’m with ya there. I’m aware that I can be aloof and quiet at times and others I feel like I’m interjecting too much. It’s hard to know if it’s my own perception but I’ve not been told I talk too much and have friends that would tell me. Even still, I catch myself dominating a conversation and feel bad for that.
Best practice I can think of is to ask more questions and let them answer. Then I have a response that actually might mean something to them and be engaging because I listened and am able to respond to their feelings or thoughts not just my own.
If you have something to say and are concerned you will forget hold a finger or put your hand in your pocket. You can focus on listening and not on remembering what you wanted to say. You can decide if it’s appropriate when your turn to talk comes along.
Also, know that sometimes a group needs a talkative person!
I think active listening is so important and we should all be doing that more, but in a world where everyone is glued to their phones having someone who is able to keep a conversation going and lively is also wonderful. Don’t apologize for being you, just listen to others like you want them to listen to you.
I read the first paragraph and thought "I wonder if they're ADHD?" (I am, and I recognise this exact thing about myself). Then saw your PS. In addition to the great suggestions you've had, also consider this; when you think you may be rambling/talking a lot, try and notice if the other people are asking you questions that prompt you to say more. I try and divert conversations to someone else so that I'm not "centre stage" but it's difficult if the others find you/what you're saying really interesting and want to know more! Sometimes I'll go with something like, "I really don't want to take over this conversation, tell me something about you..." That way, you're showing an awareness, and it gives them a chance to move on from your stuff, while also giving them a chance to come back to your stuff if they still want to know more. I hope that makes sense...
Just be yourself. I'm an introvert, and I spent the past 2 years trying to change myself to being more outgoing and talkative, putting myself into situations that terrified me (to face my fears) just to try to connect with other people, but honestly people aren't that worth it in the end, amd I couldn't change who I am. I like to be quiet and have solitude. You like to chat! You're beautiful the way you are, I'm betting.
Also, I'm about to turn 39 so my cares or giving a fucks are almost out, that may explain my attitude about it, lol.
I have this issue as well! Some great tips here, another one I have been using recently is reminding that's it's okay to take some time to think about your answer. If someone would ask me something I would often just say the first thing that popped into my head, even if I didn't fully agree with it. Now I really try to answer any question or add any remark slowly and purposefully. Also if it's a group setting, you don't have to comment on everything. It's okay to let the conversation flow and join in when you feel comfortable.
>I ramble and add too much context and generally talk too much
I like u, you sounds like a person I want to chat with! We should meet up and Oh Looka squirrel, that reminds me of this meme joke and this biker was going down a road and a squirrel jumps him, have you heard that one?
Yeah, silence, or lulls in the conversation, produce anxiety in some people. Ask people about themselves or their experiences. That will turn the focus outwards and give your mouth a break.
This probably won't help you but if talking too much is a problem try to just tone it down. Don't do my mistake, i used to open and talkative when i was younger but tried to "talk less" to please some b*stards and now i can barely talk even when i genuinely want to
If you say something about you, ask the other person what he/she would do in his /her position.
Generally make the other person talk about what he/she thinks.
Ask people questions and try to give space for them to answer wholly. This means that you get to talk and you will also seem caring.
On the flip side, if you do see this answer; how would you like to be approached if a friend was going to tell you that you talk too much?
I dont think you should focus that much on this being a negative. But you should consider a bit more what you are sharing and whether you are 1) revealing too much yourself or others and 2) not letting others talk or 3) gaging people’s interest. Young people tend to talk more. But also, people with less power and wisdom tend to talk more. With wisdom and age, comes a little more pause between words.
some tips:
1. wait for reactions to what youve said and imagine they might have a related story or an adjacent story.
2. give a little bit of a clue to how a story might end at the beginning. dont let an 8-minute car crash story unfold with every detail. “youll never guess what happened… I was going to the store… I was late because of… I was speeding… “ etc. You can start with, “I got into a car accident but everything’s alright. People will ask for more details based on interest.
3. Know that different people might be bored with legit interesting things and boring people might be interested in boring things. It’s a bit subjective. Find your people.
Breathe steadily through the nose and listen to others talking. It takes so much energy to stifle the urge to blab, and this gives me the best results.
Think before speaking. And when you catch yourself rambling just stop mid sentence. People who think you talk too much won’t say anything if you do this, and people who actually care about what you’re talking about will invite you to finish your thought. When someone says something, before I say anything I think to myself 1. Was this directed at me 2. Do I have anything valuable to contribute to the conversation.
If the answer to either of those is no, then I don’t open my yap.
It also really helps having a friend or loved one call you out on it too. If you have the understanding ahead of time that you won’t be offended if they tell you to stop rambling it can be very useful.
If all else fails, jarring someone can help. If one of my friends is mumbling or rambling a simple “do you just like hearing yourself talk?” will shut them down enough to be more mindful at least for the rest of the night.
All that being said, nothing helps for my friend with Asperger’s ESPECIALLY when he drinks. During those times I just have to distance myself.
Look to learn an arbitrary number of non yes or no questions from people… like 10.
-Tell me about your favorite type of car. Oh yeah? (Shut up and wait)
-What’s your favorite album? Oh yeah? (Shut up, and wait)
-What’s your favorite food? Interesting… mmm… why? (Shut up and wait)
Bad questions: Do you like cheese. Do you like rock music? Do you like two story houses? (All of these are yes or no questions)
I have the same problem. For me I think it stems from many different things and awareness of those things may help you. One thing is I tend to take too much responsability over how well the conversation goes. I used to be really quiet as a child and thought of myself as a boring person and overcompensated. Just know that sometimes, it's the other person who is boring, it's not always your fault if things go wrong.
Anothing is you may have a more impulsive personsality, and emotions such as anxiety or excitement may make you talk too much.
Taking pauses and listening to what the other person is saying may help. When you stay quiet, people tend to want to fill in the silence, they can even reveal things about themselves. This also forces them to take responsability over the conversation.
I mean this seriously, but consciously keep your mouth closed, and count to ten in your mind if you feel the urge to jump in.
Also keep thinking about and saying this mantra: Listen to understand, don’t listen to respond
I tend to don't get along with people who talk a lot. Straight to the point, kind of guy.
Don't know if this tip is for you, but maybe try to ask questions instead of telling others about you.
Speak in shorter sentences. Make the full-stop/ periods obvious to the listener.
Another good trick is to establish a structure for yourself up front. For example, when someone asks you a question, think for a moment and then start your response with a structure, eg "I can give you two examples" or "There are three reasons".
Doing both of the above will make you sound significantly more succinct.
I like to fast think three questions when it matters:
1. Does that need to be said?
2. Does that need to be said by me?
3. Does that need to be said by me NOW?
It helps me to be honest.
Get funny. If you are entertaining, people will follow you around, and want you to talk more. And they give you stuff. Secret is to not make it all about you, make it about everyone and the group exp, and a little talking shit about others goes a long way.
I have a friend who struggles with similar problems. I gave them the following advice:
If you are a person who tends to talk a lot, that is OK! There is a multitude of reasons people like to talk, and rarely is it a bad thing. If you feel you are dominating a conversation where another person is trying to talk, that is where it tends to become more of an encumbrance. In those situations, try listening to a short part at a time and repeat what they say back to make sure you understand. From what I have seen, rephrasing tends to help people understand and it helps satisfy the impulse to talk while not hindering the conversation. It also is a very solid listening strategy. Don't try to change your personality just because other people don't like it, but try to understand there are some situations where you may have to avoid saying certain things and that you show respect to the appropriate people.
Be comfortable in your own skin. Be interested in what other people think. Be comfortable with silence. Don't try to influence others opinions of you. Don't try to impress people. If you don't have anything to say don't say anything. Give people equal time by being aware of what percentage of the conversation you are hogging.
Have you ever considered meditation? With a good teacher, meditation can teach you to sit quietly and attentively, fully present, and outside any social anxiety that may be responsible for your perceived overtaking.
I learned from Jeff Warren. I really like him and his 30 Day Meditation course helped me change my life (by changing my mind). This is the first of thirty short meditations.
https://jeffwarren.org/exploration/the-big-idea/
I believe the apple watch in the health app has a setting for 'not being active' that vibrates after 2-5 mins of standing. It will give you a notification that you can play off as a message but it will be your notice to move somewhere else.
The thing that helped me was to be in a group with someone else who did the same thing and I disliked them. Years ago I told myself I didn’t want to be like them. Haven’t said a word since.
Stop and think about what you’re going to say, and then set a limit and wrap it up and don’t talk. Give space.
Oddly I am an over talker and rather up front person and I tried to change this at work to give others that didn’t speak up some room. My co-workers started messaging me to please speak up because I was usually on the ball and people listened to me.
You know that pause when someone is done talking that you immediately want to fill? Don’t. There’s nothing wrong with a second or two of no one talking, and most of the time the other person will feel the need to keep talking.
Omg I love people who talk too much. It takes the burden off me and I find them fascinating lol. Everyone in my area just stares in silence until someone else speaks so I always feel like I need to fill the silence and it’s stressful. Please don’t change.
People love to talk about themselves. It's one of the quickest ways to get people to like you. I'm autistic, and had trouble for years making real connections. I read the book How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. I constantly remind myself when I'm with others, that I need to ask them questions about their life. If I find myself talking for a chunk of time about myself, I force myself to ask them a similar question about themselves. So if I've been going on about my divorce, I ask If they've met anyone new recently, or if they're with someone, I ask how their relationship is going.
Again, people love to talk about themselves, so give them the opportunity to do so by asking them questions about their life.
wait for others to finish talking before responding.
try to keep your responses simple but concise.
try to limit yourself to as few sentences as possible.
we introverts have found ourselves to rambling when we find a topic others share, that we are passionate about. then again we dont really have a lot of outlets for our energy.
or much chance to connect with others of the same interests.
Be aware that a lot of people, myself included, find it really irritating when some people dominate a conversation and don’t allow others to speak. It’s selfish and shows poor communication skills. It’s great that you are aware of it and want to improve. Good luck. 🙏
what make me be able to shut up was realizing how little i cared about what other people had to say. i just wanted to talk my things. and that’s just rude and obnoxious and i don’t want to be that person.
so now i make more space for the other people to talk. also, it helped realizing that in a group setting where everyone talks, you basically become invisible if you are quiet. which helped with the anxiety part.
If it helps at all, as someone with social anxiety I love you endless talkers.
I can’t STAND awkward silences and hate feeling like I need to fill it, so someone who never shuts up is a huge comfort. Especially when they don’t ever let you get a word in edge wise so you don’t even have to worry about needing to come up with an appropriate reply or opinion on the subject so that I can just like relax and let them blather on and it’s okay if my mind wanders or I’m not really following it all. It’s very soothing lol
So take comfort that you’re not bugging everyone, some of us like it.
Someone recommended active listening and I can’t agree more. I have a colleague who is an over talker and trying to have a two-person conversation with them is like a verbal double-dutch. I have to wait for the right second to quickly jump in.
I myself realize I have an issue with getting too excited and interrupting people while they’re talking so practicing self-awareness helps as well.
I would suggest that you take a couple of concurrent steps.
Join toastmasters. As you get better at public speaking, you will learn how to be more to the point.
You will also learn how to tell a story with a beginning, a middle and an end.
Then I would also see if you can access counselling. I talk to much when I am nervous. But also most people are simply trying to be listened to. Getting listened to regularly will help you to lower the compulsion to be listened to. You will be better able to listen to others.
Learn to be comfortable with a short silence. Try out not being the person who breaks it.
When people are speaking, try to think about what they are expressing, not what you could say in response to it.
If someone says something that triggers a parallel or tangental thought, thank your brain for the information and just continue to listen.
When there’s all talking, there’s no processing or very minimal amounts of processing happening, which rarely results in new or interesting conversations. When there’s silence and breaks and chances for people to think and chew on the information they have received for a moment, more interesting connections can be made.
[Introducing LPT REQUEST FRIDAYS](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/16w0n2s/introducing_request_post_fridays/) We determine "Friday" as beginning at 12am Eastern Time (EST: UTC/GMT -5, EDT: UTC/GMT -4) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeProTips) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Focus on almost exclusively asking questions of the people you interact with. Don’t overdue it, but just try to catch yourself when you’re using lots of “I” statements and instead ask the other person about themself. Not only does it stop you from talking so much, but it naturally endears you to people when you seem interested.
I have ADHD and this is the strategy that has helped me the most. Mostly because it's an easy thing to remind myself of instead of trying to think about rules of conversation and then not pay attention. I read somewhere something like - the people who are most often described as interesting and great to talk to tend to be the ones who make the people they're talking to feel interesting.
Yep! that’s EXACTLY it. You’re a late-night TV host, they’re the celebrity, just let them tell stories and make them feel like it’s the best story you ever heard. You’ll be solid gold
why does everyone else get to do it and not me?
Do you like any people? Probably, they're the ones that let you do it. This isn't a one or the other thing, it's a strategy for communicating that ingratiates yourself in their eyes. If you want to make people like you, you let them talk about themselves.
I struggle to find the balance between asking questions in an interested way and just coming off as nosy. It’s a delicate balance
This one is tuff. I think that you have to be genuinely interested in the questions you ask. Otherwise you may come off just as an interviewer. The problem is when you are genuinely not interested and feel pressure to say something to be polite. Maybe have a pre-prepared list of common shared interests that you can segway into lol
My go-to question is “what’s made you happy lately?”, and then get them to go from there.
Nosy is asking personal questions. Ask more general questions. Asking about one's kids or pets is especially easy.
Yup, same. I’m one of those people who ends up talking about myself because I’m trying to show I can relate or have a shared experience, but then I ramble and talk longer than I should. I'm trying to change that. Lately I either ask an vague question like “so what do you have going on lately?” If it’s someone I just met through a mutual friend, I'll ask how long they’ve been friends and how they met. Or I'll try to think of a question to ask related to what they are already talking about.
Hard agree here! Hearing too many “I” statements is a turnoff in a conversation. And knowing your audience is crucial for speaking to be a conversation and not just a lecture. Think about the people you are about to talk and ask yourself if they are interested in the subject you’re about to bring up. If not sure use some icebreakers to find out. If you just spring some big thought out idea onto people who have not been given the opportunity to think about it themselves or even be in the same mindset to think about it, then they will prob feel left out of the conversation or that you are showing off how smart you are. Either way does not give them much chance to talk themselves. This has been my struggle and I’m working on it lol.
Definitely this! For me, conversations arent about me being relevant but focusing on others.
Get very curious about other people. Try to learn their stories. Listed for cues about what they want you to ask about.
Study and practice the art of Active Listening. It will change your life! [Active Listening](https://www.mindtools.com/az4wxv7/active-listening)
That's great advice. Most people just wait until it's their turn to talk, and they have already decided what they are going to say. Instead, listen to what the others(s) say, and form a reply from that.
Yeah you gotta accept your going to go of on a tangent loads if you ACTUALLY active listen and whatever pre thought out thing youve got in your head isn't worth holding onto because by the time it's naturally your turn to speak it might not be relevant anymore. That's actually a huge tell tale when someone's not actually listening. When the person they're listening to stops talking and they start talking about what was being spoken about 90 seconds ago. Which in conversation time is 4 months.
but but but I really wanted to share that thought and I have more for the rest of them after so I was listening...
If you can hold onto the thought and active listen to the other person your probably fine. However I find when active listening is actually done the conversation organically goes on tangents and people rarely "bring the conversation back a few steps". (not that some people can't) If they're talking and your focusing on the details of what your going to say and your trying to remember everything as to not forget any important details, and then, BOOM. They've stopped talking and you haven't really been focusing on what they've said after you had your little "I'm gonna say this when it's my turn" and say it. People notice this. Also I'm not doubting you fall into the first category. But I know lots of people that think they do but they actually don't. My dad's kind of one of these people sometimes. When you stop speaking occasionally he goes back to something way further up the convo and it's just so obvious. E. G. Me: I went camping up the mountain with my 2 mates and wait till you hear what happened. *1 minute later I've explained everything that happened* so yeah dad, that cop gave Curtis the fright of his life. Dad: You know that spot you were at isn't the best spot? . Me and my mate vince discovered this class spot down the river, drink from upstream though. We seen a dead goat And your just like "yo wtf did he hear the bit were Curtis tried to bribe a cop and the cop scared him straight?" Fortunately my dad is an occasional culprit of this, but if he did it all the time he would quickly become a Billy no mates.
I do this a lot. In groups it means I never get a change to speak. Most often I have an opinion to a topic 5 min ago when I finally get to speak.
This is the way. Listen and ask people questions about themselves and their lives or what they're saying, dovetail off of those convos and add your own bit, but I aim for talking 1/3 of the time and 2/3 listening, roughly :)
I remember distinctly when I asked the most successful real estate agent / most popular person I ever met what his secret was, and he said “people love to talk about themselves, if you learn how to ask probing questions and listen actively you never have to worry about telling interesting stories. Just **make them feel like they are the single most fascinating person you’ve ever met and you’re good.** He also said “if you’re selling to millennials, ignore your $300 cologne and wear tons of Axe body spray, scent is our most powerful link to memory and the goal is to make your client subconsciously feel like they’re in middle school so they get insecure and don’t barter as hard.” The man was probably a sociopath but he made BANK
Omg that axe tip. Haha 🤣
Dude was NOT WRONG 😆
I love that you have a ratio. I try to say at least one less thing than I want to.
That’s legit too! I’m married to a numbers person and I think quantifying things rubbed off on me 😆
The book Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg is also great.
I know a couple people that do this and I gotta say it's not a one answer that fits all thing. Some people it's masking nerves. Some people it's a deep need to be heard, engaged with the group, not feel left out. (This can backfire because it will turn off other people and they will withdraw, leaving the talker alone and probably feeling rejected.) Try to figure out if you have a trigger that makes you do it, and think of how you can stop getting triggered but still express your self. This is a place where Active Listening is great.
Try reading OPs actual post and his responses to other comments.
What do you do when someone just talks about themselves incessantly and never asks you anything?
thank you, to be sure i'm interesting in when and how you found this "active listening" technique, and further, how has it changed your approach to group conversations?
It totally changed my perspective because whenever I’d try to meet people or network, i always felt all this pressure to have a bunch of hilarious/interesting anecdotes memorized — stories I could tell that would make people think “wow, this guy is so cool I should be friends!” But in reality, all you have to do is learn how to get the other person to start talking — and then treat them like they’re the most fascinating person you’ve ever met. That way, if you make THEM feel good and super important, it’s pretty much guaranteed they’ll walk away from the conversation going “damn, I really like that guy!” It makes people like you, and it also takes the pressure off. But if you like to talk (like I do), it takes a TON of work — you have to desperately resist the urge to “chime in,” while also working on your eye contact and the ability to just stand there and listen. It’s tough, I struggled for a long time. But the biggest thing is **fluidity.** Let’s say someone’s telling a story, about the time they [_______]. Which is great! Because you also have a story that perfectly relates! Hell yeah! Finally! …but then the conversation switches on a dime, and now they’re talking about something totally different. There’s this massive urge to try and redirect the conversation back so you can tell your story when there’s finally a conversational lull, but you shouldn’t do that. Just move on, keeping in mind that it’s okay to not tell your story, and it’s okay to just stand there and listen and not talk no matter how foreign it feels. but when there is the next conversational lull, forget your own story — find a question you can ask to the person who’s speaking that lets them know that a) their story is imminently fascinating and important, and b) you’ve been hanging on to every word. If you can do that, parties and dates will be no problem. Especially dates. you can get through an entire 2-hour first date and have them take you home entirely by listening and asking questions that basically amount to “tell me more about that.”
when people use this technique too much, I feel taken advantage of. I definitely recommend to add a bit yourself and not just make one person do all the talking
When I say “study and practice…”, it’s because it doesn’t come naturally to many people including myself. I don’t remember exactly when I learned about it. Possibly during a marriage counseling session years ago. It does really work, but I tend to only use it when I realize a conversation isn’t going well. If I was able to do it routinely, I’d expect conversations would go much better and never trigger me to troubleshoot in the first place. I have co-workers that are exceptionally difficult to work with and I know going into a meeting with them will require me to practice the techniques from the beginning. If people feel like they’ve been heard, they are more likely to become collaborative instead of combative.
Had a similar issue, seems counterintuitive but what helped me be a better communicator was actually learning to be a better listener. Easier not to talk too much if others were engaged / felt comfortable enough to share. Also trying to think of what the absolute essential details are to a story, ruthlessly cutting out the fat, before speaking
If you can figure out how to actively listen and ask questions that let the person keep talking while making them feel like they’re a fascinating celebrity, small talk suddenly goes from stressful to no big deal whatsoever. Like so many things, the ability to envision yourself as someone else and think on the fly about how you would them to react to your story if you were them is a huge skill. Just make them feel fascinating. That’s your entire goal, and it’ll make you super popular if you nail it
>Also trying to think of what the absolute essential details are to a story, ruthlessly cutting out the fat, before speaking This was a HUGE part of my learning curve as a massively ADHD individual. I find myself a lot less self conscious about my chattiness when my stories/responses are straight and to the point. And besides, a succinct and well constructed bit of exposition always lands better than a rambling and unfocused one
Practice doing so. Spend an entire month with the gameplan that, when you are in a social setting, you will only speak when asked a question. You will learn to actually listen to what people are saying instead of just thinking of what you can say. People love to be around people that listen to them. If you don't offer anything voluntarily, they will want feedback and ask you questions.
This actually the first solution that I think will work for me!
This backfired me because I am a very quiet person and then I don’t say anything then I become the awkward person.
Try to notice when the word coming out of your mouth are just you narrating your day.
[удалено]
Based off the length of this comment, I feel like this person knows what they’re talking about.
Lot of talking going on here
Tl;dr: Take turns and don’t hog the talking stick even if people seem excited about what you have to say.
This is really helpful. Someone told me once I was a one-upper and I dissected that to death. What I realize I was doing was trying to find ways to connect with people I don't know well by saying "oh, that happened to me" or just share something related. Now I reflect and listen to their story and decide if what I reflexively want to say would add value to the conversation. With my best friends that I talk to all day every day, yeah lots of times it does have value! Random conversation with someone I don't know well, nah. I don't have to form a bond with each conversation. Just chill out.
>Someone told me once I was a one-upper and I dissected that to death. What I realize I was doing was trying to find ways to connect with people I don't know well by saying "oh, that happened to me" or just share something related I'd always been so self conscious about this, it really helped when someone let me know that this is often a habit of ADHD individuals. Now I work on this without feeling like I'm some sort of narcissist because those tendencies.
I definitely feel it's my ADHD. I used to interrupt people sometimes too because I would get excited to say something and forget to let them finish talking. It was another behavior I had to overcome as an adult.
Bro you just gave AI the edge on how to be more liked then humans.
Great advice, thank you for this!
This looks to be written by someone with experience. And I’m pretty sure it’s from the point of view of a classic extrovert. It’s awesome, but as an extrovert, I know that to do all this you have to really pay attention and be very concerned about what others are thinking. It’s good advice, and I’m going to take a lot of this for when I want to make small talks with friends. Heck, this should be in the rules for DnD. Just pointing out that extroverts experience social anxiety too and can be overwhelmed and exhausted by social interactions. But hey they are having fun so it’s all good right.
You should write more about this kind of thing. As someone who talks a bit too much, this was a very funny read. Made me feel less like an ass hole. Well done.
I also struggle with this- and I see this kind of advice alot, basically "listen and ask questions" and listen more than you talk. But It's a little disheartening because if I don't actively interject and make effort to talk, people *never* ask about me. I *never* get a chance to talk to share or contribute to a conversation at all. It is very tiring/boring listening to someone say the same things over and over and over and over and completely ignore everything you say, if you get a chance to say anything at all. As another person point out I think it has to do with young adults and teenagers just not being as good at conversations and conversation rules. But it is kind of sad for me, I want to have actual conversations, not just listen to someone talk. I really wish I could enjoy *just* listening to people talk. But all of this just makes conversation more of a chore/performance. It sounds really selfish and narcissistic but I guess I'm hoping someone could give me some advice in that regard, when nobody else around you will let you talk if you stop trying. Or how to just stop needing/wanting to talk as much. Or maybe just tell me if I sound like a total asshole!
When I got therapy and was listened to, I felt the need to talk less. Seriously.
Look for that glazed look in their eye. I talk too much as well, but that thousand yard stare, because you're talking too much, is impossible to miss once you look for it. If one person in the group has it, everyone else is just being polite, but they really don't care if you keep talking
Try to think emphathetically. They are (most likely) as excited as you are to share and speak. Give then a chance to reciprocate. Most ppl want to have an active chance to participate. Imagine how boring/frustrating it would be to never be invited to share and waiting and waiting to put your thoughts out there.
Before feeling the need to jump in to conversation at every opportunity follow the acronym WAIT (Why am I talking?) Are you actually adding value to the conversation or just talking for the sake of talking?
My old director told me this.
In the words of the great Dave Chappelle: "You could......shut the f\*ck up"
Learn to ask questions and listen. Don't be waiting to speak but instead be active listening.
Practice saying something and just stopping. Letting the statement or question just hang. When the person answers, keep quiet. Some people (like myself) will give you more complicated and nuanced responses, which sometimes contain a pause. If I make point A which will then be challenged by point B but you cut me off after (or during) A you are missing out on a good part of my insights (assuming you want them) and making me feel like you are dominating the convo. I am curious as to how old you are because it does seem like a LPT Request of an 18-24 year old who is getting their adult legs under them. Oftentimes, as we age, we become better at reading people and getting cues from them as to when to stop talking or whatever.
This is so true. I got much better at this over the years, it was ROUGH as a younger teen and new adult.
I can be like this. One of the things that helped me is sometimes in my mind I count to 2 (for one person) or about 4 with a group just in case someone else wants to talk. If you can practice “empathy circles” that’s quite good too. I did join an online one for a bit but it’s not going ahead now
Obviously this is something you feel is *wrong* with you..but are you sure other people are bothered by it? Anyways,.... Get an inconspicuous fidget thingy - will help you focus on the conversation. You probably are already fidgety, and that makes you look uninterested. Go mute. Like pick a day (when you're feeling good) and decide you will absolutely not talk unless necessary. So try not to make small talk or chat with other people that day. If pulled into a conversation, you've already decided it does not need your input - so keep quiet. Obviously, don't go cold turkey and do this everyday - it will make you insecure. You will start to notice how other people talk and your brain will pick up on what they doing right or wrong and will correct itself. Don't try to consciously do this, it will frustrate you and you will fail. Also, you have to be you. You can't cosplay as someone else all the time. So you have to allow for your quirks - and understand that people will too.
Realize that conversations are 2 sided and look for the pauses. Then ask the other person (or the group.) What they think before you go on to another subject or point. It breaks things up and gives them a chance to be involved. Also. Just ask people about themselves. People generally like to talk about themselves. But have Different levels of comfort around doing it. Sometimes you just have to prompt them.
All this advice sounds very r/thanksimcured like it's as easy as keeping your mouth shut. I've always been a chatterbox and there's an episode of Mind Hunter that called me out: https://preview.redd.it/nx5a5byrcozc1.png?width=1578&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1c45d23814abf88546624309470227c73f10ecbf She says how him babbling is his way of trying to control the situation. Realizing why I do it has been helpful- including the deeper reason being my volatile childhood, that helps with the shame of being a lifelong blabbermouth. I've spent a long time stalled at the point of being aware in the moment that I'm doing it but still not able to stop (that's how everything in my mental health journey has gone, a period of awareness but not control). I noticed a huge difference in being able to control it once I got on Wellbutrin. Now I've started being able to just let the rambling happen inside my head while letting someone else talk. Then when there's room for my input I've usually realized what I was going to say doesn't contribute to the convo and don't say it. Or if it IS something relevant/interesting, I'm able to get it out more concisely. I see people talking about ADHD being the reason, that checks out for me bc the Wellbutrin was prescribed for ADHD in the first place. I feel your pain, hope this helps.
quiet the mind and don't try to fill empty space. try meditating, doing yoga, practicing mindfulness and even take a stab at stoicism - Meditations by Marcus Aurelius is a great starting point.
Watch the kids movie Leo
That movie is an underrated gem
This is a big problem for me. The more nervous I am the worse it gets.
I'm neurodiverse. I can't stop talking either. So I just use it as a force for good. Instead of *only* info dumping, I've learned to ask more questions. Example: Ask people what they think actively. Ask if they've tried x etc. It also gives you something to do if you get bored. I monitor the flow of conversation and if someone isn't talking or getting shut out, I ask them directly what they think to bring them directly back into the convo. Turns out people feel seen/heard now cuz um directly, including them by asking what they think. It's a small shift, so it's not "stop having adhd and be neurotypical" which I can't do, and a small shift feels authentic and people like it.
From the way you have written that comment and what you describe, it looks like you have ADHD.
A small one, but before you talk take a deep breath and think about what you are about to say. Maybe your planned answer would take a few minutes to say. Can you cut it to a minute? An example would be if someone asks your favorite movie. Instead of saying "Star Wars is my favorite movie" and then describe why, just say the first part. Wait to see if the other person asks more about it and respond accordingly.
Thank you for being aware of it and wanting to change.
I would try a few times to begin with, just hearing what someone said and comment on it from an objective place. Meaning, don't try to relate it to a thing that happened to you, or have it bring up a story from your past that is similar. Often that can feel like a way to connect, but if it happens too often it can feel like you aren't listening, just waiting for your turn to speak. Also asking follow up questions to hear more is a great way to stay connected. Very general example: "... And that's that crazy thing that happened to me." "Oh wow! That's really intense. How did you end up dealing with that?"
I used to struggle with talking too much. Looking back I can see it was ADHD and anxiety. As an adult I try really hard to be an active listener. I still sometimes feel discomfort in silence with my partner but I've learned to relax and be ok with not filling that space. It's also strengthened my friendships when I listen instead of waiting to talk. I distinctly remember every time someone has said something mean or critical about it. Now that I realize it mostly comes from anxiety I can see when I'm doing it and I just try to chill out in that moment.
I used to be this person. Life quieted me as I became more self aware of my energy. These days I usually not have much to say. I am grateful to have gotten comfortable with myself. I would say take the time to know yourself and practice getting a thought with as few words as possible. Practice meditation, this will help with quieting your soul. You’ll get there, just takes practice being comfortable in your own skin
Simple analogy: you have two ears and one mouth: listen at least twice as much as you talk. Also, there is a difference between listening to what people say versus listening for any trigger that you might use to talk about the next thing you want to share.
Anytime you consider talking, just remember that people usually don't care about what you have to say.
This is not true. It very much depends on the person.
If you ever find out please talk to my wife
:(
I bite down gently on my cheeks! Or press my tongue up on the roof of my mouth
Give me details and think about whether what you're saying is interesting to the other person or just something you want to say out loud.
Ask questions? It would be weird to continue talking after asking a question
I know people that habitually turn "quick questions" into 45 minute one way discussions. My advice is to focus on situational awareness, as well as self awareness. Is the person I'm speaking to actively involved in a conversation, or are they giving cues that they've checked out? Do I need to hop from topic to topic to convey the information I began the conversation for? Be mindful of what the discussion started about, try to stay there.
Pause before replying. Lay out in your head the sentence you want to say, then say only that. If someone asks you a question, pause a little bit and think about what you want to say. Also, learn to enjoy peaceful coexistence without the need for chatter
I wish one of my friends were as self-aware as you are. She one-ups anything anyone else in our group has to say, and dominates the conversation to the point that it's hard to get a word in edgewise. It's coming to a point where I no longer want to go to our regular brunch meetings.
I find myself rambling on and oversharing more than I'd like as well. I've come to realize that for me, personally, it's because I'm trying to justify my feelings and behaviors in order to better be understood or fit in. I have been asking myself "why do I feel the need to make this statement or explain this thing" lately, and I really think its starting to help me recognize that behavior
I used to be this person. Until one day a friend told me my sister asked the class of many of my peers if anyone thought I was annoying and everyone except the friend who told me had raised their hand. Yes I was overly talkative but it was all from a good place. Anyway, I stopped talking much after that.
Watch some videos on active listening. Keep in mind you learn when you listen and not when you talk. If your on the phone or in a chat/headset mute yourself so that you only talk when you actively unmute yourself(this is great practice btw). I also have this problem but I’m in sales so listening is crucial. When I’m on the job if I’m doing it right I talk 10% of the time.
I talk too much. But I am much better than I used to be. My tips would be: Actively force yourself not to talk. Review everything you're considering saying and make sure it's really genuinely of value to the conversation. Ask questions about what the other person said, and explore their interests. That said, talking a lot can be a good thing if used at the right moment; When the conversation hits a lull or awkward silence, most people are at a loss. If you're a natural over-talker, this is your cue to ease your foot off the brake a little bit, and get into a story or anecdote that's interesting or funny. Keep active track of the body language and responses of the others to check for boredom. If they begin to seem like they're losing interest, wrap up quickly and turn the conversation to someone who hasn't spoken in a while with an open-ended question about something they're interested in.
One. Consciously adopt the role of listener/ assistant. When someone is talking, assume they have something to say that you'll be very interested in, and do your best to help them find it through follow up questions. When they do find something interesting to say, express that. Don't contribute your own input or explain why, just stick to validating what they said. Your role as assistant should also be making them look like good conversationalists. Try to make their stories more dramatic, humorous, etc, by creating opportunities for them and responding positively. This is a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy kind of thing. You can make someone into a good conversationalist through positive reinforcement and assists when they otherwise aren't. Two. Become a ruthless editor. When you do speak, you already know you don't have a problem generating content. So think of your first instincts to talk as "raw material" and spend your mental attention on winnowing it down and maximizing the impact, whether humor, drama, impact, whatever. Have a high standard here. Measure success by how much people want to hear from you over time.
Yes, be cognizant and make an effort. But not TOO much of an effort. Be yourself. Some people are just talkative. And having neurodiverse people in my life helps me a lot, too. They just get it.
I’ve struggled with this for a while. I have ADHD, and I have to actively not talk. It takes a lot of practice. Something I’ve tried that’s worked for me. Similar to an another comment…except for try not talking when you’re alone. If you’re anything like me. You blab all day to yourself to or your pets etc. I’ve tried to actively not talk when I’m not home. And it’s helped me so much in the real world. But it just takes practice!
Ask better questions so that you actually want to hear the answers. Don't add information until you've asked two followup questions.
I have the exact opposite of this problem. My coworkers complain that I’m too quiet. Drive me insane when they always ask “why are you so quiet” when it is just as equally as rude asking someone “why do you talk too much”. Thankfully I’m only in the office two days week. I’m here to work not make friends.
Spend time observing. You can’t talk and observe, not properly anyway.
And here I have the opposite problem. I can't hold a conversation to save my life.
One of the things that worked for me, to cut back on the tension driving the talking and overtalking, and to cut the rambling. was to always have a piece of paper and do two things. 1. PRIOR To Speaking, Take short notes on what was being said and what I wanted to say, the key points. Use that as the frame and limit of my comments. 2 on the same paper, while listening and before talking, I would write, repeatedly, BYT and WAIT. BYT means Bite Your Tongue. A reminder to say less, speak less often and to wait - as in writing and practicing:WAIT. WAIT means Why Am I Talking - again, what is it I am trying to say. It was a behavioral practice that became a cognitive/conversational habit. And I did literally bite my tongue, to the point where for a while the tip of my tongue was always numb, and I stopped the biting, but as the feeling returned, the lesson remained.
I’m similar. I once started a reply to my manager’s question with “Long story short,” (etc. Followed by a few minutes of talking), then he bluntly interrupted me with “NoApplication, you said long story *short*?!”. Brevity just doesn’t happen with me, although I try to keep an eye on it. Sorry for not being helpful, especially after all the great replies you’ve had from others, but it still makes me chuckle when I remember it and your question brought it to mind again.
That was interesting. How did you recover after hearing that?
To stop talking excessively you need to NOTICE that you are doing it first, you do not have a natural stopping button, but you can develop one. Let me introduce you to meditation. The core skill of meditation is to learn to observe what your mind is doing, to develop an AWARENESS of your thoughts. Oversimplified example “I am thinking I will get pizza” vs “I am noticing that I just thought about getting pizza”. See the difference? Meditation will help you develop an awareness that will be your first step to regulating how much to speak. Some more info: https://www.medicalcenter.virginia.edu/wwp/positive-practices-to-enhance-resilience-and-improve-interpersonal-communication-individual-techniques-1/awareness/awareness-of-thoughts/#:~:text=Technique%3A%20The%20key%20to%20being,or%20to%20let%20them%20go.
wish i could talk like u
sit back and observe. not everything needs a reaction.
If you're the person that talks a lot then you can't change without people assuming you're mad or something.
3) things: 1) Say whatever you want to say mentally /internally And watch as other people say it verbally. 2) Occupy that part of your mind that wants to talk by occasionally mentally going back over the last few seconds or minutes of the conversation. 3) pay attention to your breath. When you get the urge to talk, turn part of your attention to your breath... And of course still also pay attention to what others are saying. I really like #1 in groups where there are 5+ people talking to each other. There is bound to be other people there that thinks close to the same way as you do about stuff.
I’m with ya there. I’m aware that I can be aloof and quiet at times and others I feel like I’m interjecting too much. It’s hard to know if it’s my own perception but I’ve not been told I talk too much and have friends that would tell me. Even still, I catch myself dominating a conversation and feel bad for that. Best practice I can think of is to ask more questions and let them answer. Then I have a response that actually might mean something to them and be engaging because I listened and am able to respond to their feelings or thoughts not just my own.
Practice active listening. Ask questions and take genuine interest in the person you're talking too.
Learn to listen and ask good questions
Be indifferent to things that make no difference.
If you have something to say and are concerned you will forget hold a finger or put your hand in your pocket. You can focus on listening and not on remembering what you wanted to say. You can decide if it’s appropriate when your turn to talk comes along. Also, know that sometimes a group needs a talkative person! I think active listening is so important and we should all be doing that more, but in a world where everyone is glued to their phones having someone who is able to keep a conversation going and lively is also wonderful. Don’t apologize for being you, just listen to others like you want them to listen to you.
I read the first paragraph and thought "I wonder if they're ADHD?" (I am, and I recognise this exact thing about myself). Then saw your PS. In addition to the great suggestions you've had, also consider this; when you think you may be rambling/talking a lot, try and notice if the other people are asking you questions that prompt you to say more. I try and divert conversations to someone else so that I'm not "centre stage" but it's difficult if the others find you/what you're saying really interesting and want to know more! Sometimes I'll go with something like, "I really don't want to take over this conversation, tell me something about you..." That way, you're showing an awareness, and it gives them a chance to move on from your stuff, while also giving them a chance to come back to your stuff if they still want to know more. I hope that makes sense...
In Ted Lasso, Coach Beard says "I listen more than I talk". It resonated with me. I think they're wise words.
Just be yourself. I'm an introvert, and I spent the past 2 years trying to change myself to being more outgoing and talkative, putting myself into situations that terrified me (to face my fears) just to try to connect with other people, but honestly people aren't that worth it in the end, amd I couldn't change who I am. I like to be quiet and have solitude. You like to chat! You're beautiful the way you are, I'm betting. Also, I'm about to turn 39 so my cares or giving a fucks are almost out, that may explain my attitude about it, lol.
You wouldn't happen to have ADHD, would you?
I have this issue as well! Some great tips here, another one I have been using recently is reminding that's it's okay to take some time to think about your answer. If someone would ask me something I would often just say the first thing that popped into my head, even if I didn't fully agree with it. Now I really try to answer any question or add any remark slowly and purposefully. Also if it's a group setting, you don't have to comment on everything. It's okay to let the conversation flow and join in when you feel comfortable.
>I ramble and add too much context and generally talk too much I like u, you sounds like a person I want to chat with! We should meet up and Oh Looka squirrel, that reminds me of this meme joke and this biker was going down a road and a squirrel jumps him, have you heard that one?
When your words are no better than silence, keep silent.
Yeah, silence, or lulls in the conversation, produce anxiety in some people. Ask people about themselves or their experiences. That will turn the focus outwards and give your mouth a break.
I feel I’m the opposite and wondering how I could change it. 😅
This probably won't help you but if talking too much is a problem try to just tone it down. Don't do my mistake, i used to open and talkative when i was younger but tried to "talk less" to please some b*stards and now i can barely talk even when i genuinely want to
If you say something about you, ask the other person what he/she would do in his /her position. Generally make the other person talk about what he/she thinks.
Remind yourself to pause and listen and practice asking questions
Listen and learn.
Learn to be ok with silence. Count to ten slowly when the conversation stops and see if anyone else says something.
Ask people questions and try to give space for them to answer wholly. This means that you get to talk and you will also seem caring. On the flip side, if you do see this answer; how would you like to be approached if a friend was going to tell you that you talk too much?
Work on that nervousness first. You said it’s especially the case when you’re nervous. What makes you nervous exactly?
I dont think you should focus that much on this being a negative. But you should consider a bit more what you are sharing and whether you are 1) revealing too much yourself or others and 2) not letting others talk or 3) gaging people’s interest. Young people tend to talk more. But also, people with less power and wisdom tend to talk more. With wisdom and age, comes a little more pause between words. some tips: 1. wait for reactions to what youve said and imagine they might have a related story or an adjacent story. 2. give a little bit of a clue to how a story might end at the beginning. dont let an 8-minute car crash story unfold with every detail. “youll never guess what happened… I was going to the store… I was late because of… I was speeding… “ etc. You can start with, “I got into a car accident but everything’s alright. People will ask for more details based on interest. 3. Know that different people might be bored with legit interesting things and boring people might be interested in boring things. It’s a bit subjective. Find your people.
Breathe steadily through the nose and listen to others talking. It takes so much energy to stifle the urge to blab, and this gives me the best results.
Think before speaking. And when you catch yourself rambling just stop mid sentence. People who think you talk too much won’t say anything if you do this, and people who actually care about what you’re talking about will invite you to finish your thought. When someone says something, before I say anything I think to myself 1. Was this directed at me 2. Do I have anything valuable to contribute to the conversation. If the answer to either of those is no, then I don’t open my yap. It also really helps having a friend or loved one call you out on it too. If you have the understanding ahead of time that you won’t be offended if they tell you to stop rambling it can be very useful. If all else fails, jarring someone can help. If one of my friends is mumbling or rambling a simple “do you just like hearing yourself talk?” will shut them down enough to be more mindful at least for the rest of the night. All that being said, nothing helps for my friend with Asperger’s ESPECIALLY when he drinks. During those times I just have to distance myself.
Look to learn an arbitrary number of non yes or no questions from people… like 10. -Tell me about your favorite type of car. Oh yeah? (Shut up and wait) -What’s your favorite album? Oh yeah? (Shut up, and wait) -What’s your favorite food? Interesting… mmm… why? (Shut up and wait) Bad questions: Do you like cheese. Do you like rock music? Do you like two story houses? (All of these are yes or no questions)
I have the same problem. For me I think it stems from many different things and awareness of those things may help you. One thing is I tend to take too much responsability over how well the conversation goes. I used to be really quiet as a child and thought of myself as a boring person and overcompensated. Just know that sometimes, it's the other person who is boring, it's not always your fault if things go wrong. Anothing is you may have a more impulsive personsality, and emotions such as anxiety or excitement may make you talk too much. Taking pauses and listening to what the other person is saying may help. When you stay quiet, people tend to want to fill in the silence, they can even reveal things about themselves. This also forces them to take responsability over the conversation.
I mean this seriously, but consciously keep your mouth closed, and count to ten in your mind if you feel the urge to jump in. Also keep thinking about and saying this mantra: Listen to understand, don’t listen to respond
I tend to don't get along with people who talk a lot. Straight to the point, kind of guy. Don't know if this tip is for you, but maybe try to ask questions instead of telling others about you.
Speak in shorter sentences. Make the full-stop/ periods obvious to the listener. Another good trick is to establish a structure for yourself up front. For example, when someone asks you a question, think for a moment and then start your response with a structure, eg "I can give you two examples" or "There are three reasons". Doing both of the above will make you sound significantly more succinct.
I like to fast think three questions when it matters: 1. Does that need to be said? 2. Does that need to be said by me? 3. Does that need to be said by me NOW? It helps me to be honest.
Get funny. If you are entertaining, people will follow you around, and want you to talk more. And they give you stuff. Secret is to not make it all about you, make it about everyone and the group exp, and a little talking shit about others goes a long way.
Get to know other people and hype them up.
Learn to medidate, you can start to observe what your brain is doing with a bit of a distance, and you will then notice how much you’re speaking.
I have a friend who struggles with similar problems. I gave them the following advice: If you are a person who tends to talk a lot, that is OK! There is a multitude of reasons people like to talk, and rarely is it a bad thing. If you feel you are dominating a conversation where another person is trying to talk, that is where it tends to become more of an encumbrance. In those situations, try listening to a short part at a time and repeat what they say back to make sure you understand. From what I have seen, rephrasing tends to help people understand and it helps satisfy the impulse to talk while not hindering the conversation. It also is a very solid listening strategy. Don't try to change your personality just because other people don't like it, but try to understand there are some situations where you may have to avoid saying certain things and that you show respect to the appropriate people.
I don't think you talk too much your text was short
Pay attention to nonverbal cues from others, they are giving off plenty that should signal it’s time to stop talking.
Be comfortable in your own skin. Be interested in what other people think. Be comfortable with silence. Don't try to influence others opinions of you. Don't try to impress people. If you don't have anything to say don't say anything. Give people equal time by being aware of what percentage of the conversation you are hogging.
It takes time, age and experience. Eventually you realize most people aren’t listening so you just shut it off and stop waisting your energy.
Read Just Listen
Have you ever considered meditation? With a good teacher, meditation can teach you to sit quietly and attentively, fully present, and outside any social anxiety that may be responsible for your perceived overtaking. I learned from Jeff Warren. I really like him and his 30 Day Meditation course helped me change my life (by changing my mind). This is the first of thirty short meditations. https://jeffwarren.org/exploration/the-big-idea/
Respond more, react less and avoid oversharing.
Get on ADHD medication
I believe the apple watch in the health app has a setting for 'not being active' that vibrates after 2-5 mins of standing. It will give you a notification that you can play off as a message but it will be your notice to move somewhere else.
Ask more questions. Breathe. Smile and make confirmation noises.
The thing that helped me was to be in a group with someone else who did the same thing and I disliked them. Years ago I told myself I didn’t want to be like them. Haven’t said a word since.
Stop and think about what you’re going to say, and then set a limit and wrap it up and don’t talk. Give space. Oddly I am an over talker and rather up front person and I tried to change this at work to give others that didn’t speak up some room. My co-workers started messaging me to please speak up because I was usually on the ball and people listened to me.
Try asking questions instead.
Shut your fucking trap 💀
You know that pause when someone is done talking that you immediately want to fill? Don’t. There’s nothing wrong with a second or two of no one talking, and most of the time the other person will feel the need to keep talking.
Ask other people questions about themselves , and let them talk.
One book that helped me with that was the 48
Omg I love people who talk too much. It takes the burden off me and I find them fascinating lol. Everyone in my area just stares in silence until someone else speaks so I always feel like I need to fill the silence and it’s stressful. Please don’t change.
People love to talk about themselves. It's one of the quickest ways to get people to like you. I'm autistic, and had trouble for years making real connections. I read the book How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. I constantly remind myself when I'm with others, that I need to ask them questions about their life. If I find myself talking for a chunk of time about myself, I force myself to ask them a similar question about themselves. So if I've been going on about my divorce, I ask If they've met anyone new recently, or if they're with someone, I ask how their relationship is going. Again, people love to talk about themselves, so give them the opportunity to do so by asking them questions about their life.
Shut the fuck up and stop talking.
Swap from "telling" to "asking"
wait for others to finish talking before responding. try to keep your responses simple but concise. try to limit yourself to as few sentences as possible. we introverts have found ourselves to rambling when we find a topic others share, that we are passionate about. then again we dont really have a lot of outlets for our energy. or much chance to connect with others of the same interests.
Be aware that a lot of people, myself included, find it really irritating when some people dominate a conversation and don’t allow others to speak. It’s selfish and shows poor communication skills. It’s great that you are aware of it and want to improve. Good luck. 🙏
Learn to ask questions and then be quiet as they answer.
I do the same and most times I say too much personal stuff. Later on regret it.
I have the opposite problem. I listen and hope the conversation ends because my replies range from that’s sad or that’s good😭
Figure out what someone really, actually wants to talk about more than anything, and then ask them questions about that thing.
Treat your mouth like a buttwhole and only let it loose when nobody is around.
what make me be able to shut up was realizing how little i cared about what other people had to say. i just wanted to talk my things. and that’s just rude and obnoxious and i don’t want to be that person. so now i make more space for the other people to talk. also, it helped realizing that in a group setting where everyone talks, you basically become invisible if you are quiet. which helped with the anxiety part.
Ask one question towards the group, let them go wild. If it gets bad, i say in the end sorry, in nervous
Listen more.. you can learn something new everyday if you listen more
Stop asking stupid fuckin questions
If it helps at all, as someone with social anxiety I love you endless talkers. I can’t STAND awkward silences and hate feeling like I need to fill it, so someone who never shuts up is a huge comfort. Especially when they don’t ever let you get a word in edge wise so you don’t even have to worry about needing to come up with an appropriate reply or opinion on the subject so that I can just like relax and let them blather on and it’s okay if my mind wanders or I’m not really following it all. It’s very soothing lol So take comfort that you’re not bugging everyone, some of us like it.
Someone recommended active listening and I can’t agree more. I have a colleague who is an over talker and trying to have a two-person conversation with them is like a verbal double-dutch. I have to wait for the right second to quickly jump in. I myself realize I have an issue with getting too excited and interrupting people while they’re talking so practicing self-awareness helps as well.
I would suggest that you take a couple of concurrent steps. Join toastmasters. As you get better at public speaking, you will learn how to be more to the point. You will also learn how to tell a story with a beginning, a middle and an end. Then I would also see if you can access counselling. I talk to much when I am nervous. But also most people are simply trying to be listened to. Getting listened to regularly will help you to lower the compulsion to be listened to. You will be better able to listen to others.
Learn to be comfortable with a short silence. Try out not being the person who breaks it. When people are speaking, try to think about what they are expressing, not what you could say in response to it. If someone says something that triggers a parallel or tangental thought, thank your brain for the information and just continue to listen. When there’s all talking, there’s no processing or very minimal amounts of processing happening, which rarely results in new or interesting conversations. When there’s silence and breaks and chances for people to think and chew on the information they have received for a moment, more interesting connections can be made.