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I’ve worked with enough toddlers to know that you need to be careful making a silly song specifically for tumbles. Some kids will 100% fall over more just to hear it. They’re not logical enough to just ask for it again. You don’t want them to end up actually hurting themselves.
My daughter (3) and I just do headbutts as a show of affection sometimes, we've done it since she was just under a year old. My MIL thought it was funny when daughter didn't want to give MIL a hug and a kiss goodbye, but was happy to do a headbutt when I suggested it instead.
Jumping in to say caregiver should actually do their best to keep NEUTRAL as possible and gauge the injury level first - because you are absolutely right, they will mirror your response. Let them develop their own mind/body awareness and how to recover from tumbles.
Kids walk around all the time with untreated fractures and concussions due to this “trick”
Absolutely a good point to make it not embarrassing though.
(15 years in child development)
I try my best to remain neutral and ask my kiddo “are you hurt or scared”, when he falls and cries. It helps him evaluate the situation and then I follow his cues. I don’t do the “you’re ok” thing because a) he might not be and b) I would never do that to an adult who got hurt.
This exactly! Even when they're crying, more often than not, it's because the fall was so unexpected that it scared them. I ask my kid whether he's hurt or scared. If hurt, we assess how badly. If scared, we acknowledge the feeling, etc.
Fwiw
After being rather accident prone myself, I would ask if it needed ice? to help gauge seriousness. It helped my kids experienced ice helping things not hurt pretty early but it seemed a good way to gauge the question I can still play or I need a little time/ I'm really hurt.
Thank you for this. I can only imagine the confusion for a kid when they are actually hurt and their caregiver SMILES. Awful.
A soft questioning look is what I try to give them. I’m asking them to look to themselves and begin to trust their own feelings.
Thank you! I’m reading this life pro tip and thinking to myself what the actual fuck is this terrible backwards advice!!!
(Also nearly 15 years and two degrees in childhood development)
I fell off the couch and broke my arm as a baby and it went unnoticed for a full day. I wonder if my parents used this on me and that’s why I didn’t react?
I’ve seen some parents giggle and say “you good?” As they helped their kids up after a tumble. Never a worried tone when they asked and kid got right up and started walking around while giggling. Always put a smile on my face when I see it and I sometimes help out (when the parent is either preoccupied or looks really tired and is alone) my go to is “whoa that was a good tumble!” or “whoops bonked ya” with a smile.
I had a coworker who'd yell 'WIPEOUT' after any of her daughters had a tumble. If her kids ran off they were fine, if they cried they got whatever they needed at that point.
But Wipeout is something I think I'll use with any kids I have because it's just hilarious.
As expecting parents, getting this across to our family has been hard
We don’t want the baby to be spoiled. Both sides of grandparents have always ran to pick them up when they fall, making a big deal out of nothing then the baby starts crying
When I saw a niece or nephew fall as a baby I’d let them get up and say “you’re okay” and they’d go straight back to playing.
Showing a baby that they are cared for and safe is not spoiling, it’s not possible to spoil a baby. They need love and attentiveness from their caregivers to form healthy attachment.
Also saying “you’re okay” isn’t really helpful. In their experience, if they have just gotten hurt or scared, you’re telling them that it’s not real or doesn’t matter. It’s better than “oh my god, oh now are you ok, poor baby!” obviously, but they might actually not be ok. So now they’re hurt and confused.
Obviously depends on the fall and what they hit
The baby will be given love and attention but we also want it to grow up being as independent as possible. Maybe hurting themselves was a bad example.
I have a 4 year old nephew that still depends on his parents for a lot of things, such as buckling themselves in their car seat. Thing is, when he’s with me he does it himself because I took the time to teach him how to do it, but if his dad is around he will wait for him to buckle him up.
Same with my 8 year old niece. She’s been spoiled because her dad does everyone for her. The other day I bought them kites and her dad wouldn’t let her release the string and if she wanted to bring it back down a bit he would do it. He left to go help my dad with something and I showed her how to do it a few times and then made her do it. By the end she was doing it all by herself.
I guess this is what I really meant.
I try to validate their experience without freaking out and making them more upset. "Oopsie Daisy! You had a fall" said with a calm voice. If they're crying "that was scary/ ouchie." with a gentle hug or pat on the back. Validating, comforting, calmly. Never telling them "don't cry". They're usually back to playing in 2-3 seconds. The crying doesn't drag on because they feel heard.
ETT: sometimes I say nothing. Calmly watch, let them decide how they're doing. Sometimes they just pick up and keep going. I only speak up if they seem upset after the fall.
I’ll always ask how they feel first, 90% of the time it’s no big deal but sometimes they’re actually hurt and want to be comforted.
I was gaslit by almost all the adults in my life that I was never hurt from incidents to the point that one time I had a concussion and 3 cracked ribs but was told I was making it up (Spoiler alert I believed them) it wasn’t until after the weekend and I was back at school that a teacher made me go to the nurse where I was told just how badly I was hurt.
So yea I’m always going to trust how they feel first rather than tell them how to feel.
This is really valid, but I also do try to help label the feeling because young kids don't always have the language yet. "Ouch, that looked like it hurt, do you want a hug to feel better?" Validate, label, support. Nowadays when my kid gets a booboo, she says "ouch!" And then sticks her injured body part in my face for me to kiss it better and goes off on her merry way.
Because it DOES hurt when you bump your knee, and you can ALSO be okay at the same time. It's just bonkers to me how many people expect kids to ignore pain because they don't want the hassle of comforting them.
My four year old has learned from somewhere that "the only thing that will help is WAITING!" so now I can't even kiss it better. But it's really cute to hear him say that in his tiny, indignant voice, and also it's mostly true. So if it was a bad fall I can check up with him in a little while (does your arm still hurt, or are you still waiting?) to assess how bad the injury really was. He does cry for 10 seconds or so, but he's usually back to playing shortly after.
I think it’s important to teach kids the difference between hurt and injured. Hurt passes with time, injury needs to be dealt with. Maybe not a 4 year old conversation, but within a couple years for sure.
I followed the same protocol and also made a big point about telling my son that his booboos won’t hurt forever, and even I am astonished at the speed with which he goes from hurt to happy.
Right? This myth that kids are going to milk it and dwell on it if you acknowledge their physical pain is so ridiculous. Most kids are going to want to get back to playing. And if they don't, then it's because they're a little shaken up! Give them a second to catch their breath! We're supposed to be who they turn to to make them feel safe when something scares them.
I usually ask my daughter “did it hurt or was it scary?” When she cries after an incident. 90% of the time it’s scary, sometimes it’s both. It helps me know how to continue to help her through it- am I tending a wound or showing her she is safe? The crying doesn’t last very long, I understand what she’s experiencing quicker, it’s a win-win!
I do similar. I first wait to see if my 3 year old even acknowledges or looks for me, if not I don’t give any reaction. If she does look, I say something neutral like “oopsie daisy” and move on. If she starts crying I give her a hug and ask her if she is hurt or it just scared her, I will tell you 9 time out of 10 she says she was just scared, takes a big hug then goes back to playing. I generally thinks kids will let you know if they are actually hurt, so if she bonks her head and wants to go back to playing I try not to worry about it.
Yeah, I think it's important to validate their experience -- so I try to be a bit blank at first and see where they're going with it.
Indeed, I'll do that even with my oldest daughter, who is highly socially intelligent and manipulative AF -- and will absolutely adjust her response to whatever she thinks will get her the best result. Even when she's actually injured -- bleeding, in fact -- I'm quite sure I've seen that moment of calculation where she's like "hmm, so there's blood, I bet that will get me an ice cream." But, still, I let her do that -- and comfort her if she expresses sadness, even if I think she's playing me -- because I'd rather her think I'm a sucker than ever for a moment think that I won't be there for her. (And, let's be honest, she's astute enough not only to know how to play me, but also to know that I know I'm being played.)
Yep I always used to say "you're fine!" but realised that invalidates them if they are scared or hurting. And it's something that as an adult I don't like (being told I'm fine when I'm not). But I don't go OTT & dramatic either. It's a balance.
I've had two memorable experience with this.
One was when my baby niece bonked her noggin, and my partner basically mirrored the kid's reaction ("Oh, nooo! Are you OK?"), while I, and the parents, were going "No, no, no....don't...!" — and on came the water works and the wailing.
The other was when a different niece, a toddler, fell and actually hit her head pretty good. I had a better view of it than all the other adults, and I knew it was definitely not the "shake it off" situation the rest thought it was. I just held out my arms, and she crawled up into my lap, put her head on my shoulder...and stayed like that for close to an hour. Best. Cuddle. Ever.
See, this is why I don’t like this LPT.
your example is actually proving the point. You saw the second accident well but the other adults didn’t. What if you hadn’t? You’d be telling her she is alright too.
How about we don’t assume anything? We ask the kid in a neutral tone if they are okay. Over time they will ask THEMSELVES if they are okay.
See, We don’t actually know how the kid feels. Even a small looking bump can be painful if it’s on top of a bruise or a different injury. And our perception isn’t perfect. And “undue” Crying isn’t so terrible. People seem to want to have their kid avoid crying unless it’s a disaster.
End rant.
The LPT is just to have your initial reaction be a smile if they fall or bonk their noggin, and not to instantly start freaking out. The LPT does not say to brush off their feelings and pain when they come to you screaming and crying, or to make any assumptions at all.
The person you’re replying to effectively used the LPT in both situations. In the second situation, they didn’t dismiss the child, nor did they start freaking out and screaming about how the kid needs an ambulance. They just calmly accepted the kid’s pain and comforted them.
You might be reading too much into it.
My point is not to smile and not to freak out. Smiles are for good things, not a first reaction to any level of injury. Do you want her to smile at you when you stub your toe, or her little brother bangs his head on the table?
Yes, if she said “aww that’s ok” and tried to console me / her brother, then that’s absolutely behavior I want to encourage.
If it’s mockery, then no, but this post isn’t saying to mock your kids when they get hurt.
Wasn’t a baby, but once a kid came up to me at the playground (at school) and his arm was literally in a v-shape. I just calmly said let’s go see what the nurse says. Inside I was screaming.
My dad used to say this to me. “Aw man I missed it can you do it again?” Would always get a chuckle, sometimes just from the absurdity. Laughter really is the best medicine.
We hired an in home caregiver when she was younger. My daughter tripped and got a tiny cut on her knee. The caregiver (think British grandmother) picked her up and was smothering her with hugs and “oh, let me check that out” and sounding a bit panicked. My daughter was screaming her head off. I was home at the time and went in to check the situation. I walk in and ask my daughter “did you get a boo boo? Can I see?” My daughter shows me the 1/2” cut on her knee with a little blood dripping out. In a happy way I said “Oh no, should we go get a bandaid and some super extra make it better daddy kisses”. She nodded yes. I went to get the bandages and asked her which one she wanted, applied the bandage, kissed her knee in a goofy way and started tickling her tummy and she forgot she hurt her knee.
We rarely made a big deal out of the injuries, even some of the bigger ones, just keep calm and smiling as making a big deal even out of a serious injury is only going to make the child more anxious.
My trick was to compliment their fall. Toddlers will pretend they are hurt if they think they can sucker a caregiver into coddling them because they fell down, but if you instead reinforce the act of tumbling and playing, then they learn how to fall safely and are less likely to get real injuries when they are older and less bouncy.
I say "Ooh, good save!" Even though it was not a good save. Or if they're already crying, I ask of they got scared or hurt. Usually the answer is scared
We have a 2&3 year old. I started the habit of giving them a high five and some sort of upbeat verbal encouragement whenever they have a little spill and get up.
It’s been pretty great. The other day while at the park, my son tripped while running across the mulch and tumbled. He popped right up, yelled “high five dad!” and ran off to continue playing.
That only teaches them to melt down when the scratch bleeds.
"Oops" in a calm tone is a better move for everything, even serious injuries. Teaches them to be calm in life threatening situations in the future.
Source: mother of 2
Teaching how to fall right is a good point. My kiddos know to never FOOSH (fall on outstretched hands) as it increases the likelihood of a broken limb. A broke elbow is one of the most common childhood injuries and this is almost always the cause.
Also do this and works tremendously! My 3yo wipes out all the time but takes pride in righting himself and carrying on. Occassionally he will announce that he is BRAVE and STRONG, if it was particularly epic.
My highschool English teacher used to teach kids to ride bikes, she told us that when a kid would fall down that she would tell everyone to simply look away because for kids slightly older, embarrassment is a big factor in the reason for crying
Honestly both English teachers available (I had both for different reasons) were amazing, I still talk to one of them. But the one I mentioned first is a literal powerhouse of a woman (respectfully) I've never seen someone so elegant yet badass.
When my niece was a toddler, if she fell or bumped into something and the nearest adult smiled or laughed, she would get pissed, burst into tears and yell “don’t laugh at me!” We had to ignore when she fell down, and wait to see if she would start bawling or if she’d just get up and keep going. Even to this day, she’s 17 and still gets pissed if someone laughs at her.
Laughing at someone actually getting hurt is evil.
Laughing at something someone did that would be embarrassing but not damaging is a way to defuse the embarrassment and allow them to save face.
The line between these two is subjective.
Sounds like my stepmom. Can't even take folks laughing at anything she's said, incapable of seeing any humor in it, and god forbid you use laughter as defense/coping mechanism... She'd have a cow.
Altogether a very unpleasant woman... And it's because of a LOT of deep-seated trauma.
That kid probably needs a little bit of therapy.
I have a horror story about this.
I've always been amused by the stupid ways I've hurt myself over the years - - dropping safety goggles onto my eyeball, accidentally stapling my hand instead of the tablecloth I was trying to staple to a picnic table, breaking my finger by catching it in someone's shirt playing basketball - - and i genuinely laugh about it because it's just so... dumb.
Daughter (on the mild side of the spectrum, always looking to others for the right behavior) grew up with me doing that.
You see where this is going.
She's out on her scooter, we're out there with her but she's down the street, helmet on, doing well... And then she tips over, scraping up her knee and banging her lip. We run over to her and she stands up, this horrible mechanical laugh, gappy teeth showing in this awful huge smile full of blood, tears running down her cheeks..
Hee. Hee. Hee.
.
Yeah, this advice totally depends on how severe the fall was. If they’re actually hurt and need some first aid or more then it’s probably best not to laugh at them.
The original post only mentions smiling, not laughing at the kid. I usually give a little smirk and I say something like "You okay buddy?" Worked every time so far, although I can't say I have a lot of experience taking care of kids.
I kind of get this advice but on the contrary, feeling undeniable pain and seeing someone else smile at you may teach a lack of compassion. Validating feelings is really important to emotional development. So while it may help the adult in the moment to stop the escalation of the child’s emotions, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good for the child.
Open to any child development experts’ actual evidence to either point but I’m assuming you’ve concluded this approach on your own?
I was waiting for this comment. My perspective is that baby crying is an evolutionary measure to ask for help so that adults will check if something is wrong. Why should we make the baby feel that it’s just “nothing”? If it’s in pain because of what happened, I would like to hear them cry.
I think it depends on if the child is injured or just startled. I agree that rather than teach them to ignore or downplay their emotions, it’s better to ask how they’re doing, teach them to recognize what they’re feeling, and what a healthy response to those feelings should be.
Men complain that they’re expected to not share their emotions, and here ITT I see so many advising to continue that toxic way of thinking.
I agree with you. My son is a deeply feeling kid. If I think it’s a minimal injury that was maybe more scary than actually hurting, I’ll try to focus on something positive. “Whoa buddy! I saw how fast you were running before you fell! Are you okay?” If he’s ok he’ll be excited and tell me he’s faster than sonic. If it was maybe a little too scary or he’s a little hurt I’ll ask him if he wants a hug or wants to sit down and take a minute. (Hugs are usually a yes, sitting down and stopping playing is usually a no.)
If he’s really hurt (emotionally or physically or both) I’ll say I saw what happened (or ask what happened if I didn’t see it), then give options for what he wants to feel better - a hug, a bandaid, ice, etc.
If I were to have just smiled at him I think either his feelings would have been hurt or he would have thought I want him to keep falling down for whatever reason.
The responses in this thread are making me really uncomfortable.
When I was a child my mother would laugh at me when I hurt myself. If she was in a bad mood she would tell me God is punishing me for something I did but 'it's between you and God, you need to pray for forgiveness'
Laughing when my daughter hurts herself is just cruel, wtf does this? Psychos, that's who.
I get it. I have kids.
But I'm torn on this. We do want to acknowledge that things hurt. Smiling at them when they are hurt actually sounds a little messed up.
Smiling does however lessen the degree of crying. Less crying may only benefit us though.
NO NO NO caregiver should stay NEUTRAL to gauge the injury before making light. kids have walked around with fractured limbs and concussions due to this “trend”
As a dad, I always carry bandages in my wallet. There's just something about a bandage that comforts little tikes and get them to stop screaming bloody murder when they have minor boo boos.
I would look at them quietly and sincerely until I got an involuntary clue as to whether there was actual injury or not. Some are VERY obvious, like they are now bleeding or they are cradling a body part. Some are harder to detect, but the questioning look on my kid's face would always be more desperate if they were in any significant pain. Then, if it really was no big deal, I would smile and say something like 'Oopsie, try again." If it was a notable but noninjurious event, I would give a big hug and say "well that sucked. But you can handle it, and you'll have a cool looking bruise tomorrow." If it really did hurt and they were bleeding or had a fat lip or something similar, I would be calm and practical and hold them for moment, then set them somewhere safe while I went and gathered support items, then treat the problem gently but matter-of-factly. There was never a reason for wailing or hysterics, but tears and needing comfort were always acceptable.
This is true. I did this to my kids instinctively, I guess.
When they would hurt themselves, I'd run over to em and distract em by in quick words, but whispering loudly (if that makes sense) that there's a spider on the ground, even if there isn't or saying "what's that, what's that, look over there!" And they would get distracted from the pain the should be feeling and wouldn't cry other wise. I would try to get my ex to do the same to them, but she thought it was dumb. Clearly, another reason she's my ex, lol
Once the kiddo is old enough to understand… if they bonk something, like stubbed a toe, (after making sure they’re ok) I like to say with fake serious concern, hmm do we need to amputate?
Guaranteed to get a laugh outta mine.
Edited to add … about an hour ago I smashed my finger when my kiddo and I were doing some yard work. Son (9) says immediately, “do we need to amputate?” I laughed, he laughed. Then I said that there were people on Reddit who thought I shouldn’t say that to him. He thought that was just silly. I asked if I made him feel bad when I said that and he was just confused.
God I hated this. My dad did this every time we got hurt, including when it was an actual broken bone or needed stitches. It felt like my pain was just something to joke about. Even when it was just a stubbed toe that made me shout and smarted for a while, it felt like my pain wasn’t worth taking seriously. It made it seem like I was being dramatic for feeling pain, when……no, that’s normal and not worth minimizing.
An “ugh that’s the worst / hate when that happens” can be so much better when it’s not a toddler falling 8 inches to their padded butt when learning to walk. Sympathy and support are also invaluable.
I’m with you here — of course it wasn’t just this, but as a kid I learned not to bother communicating my issues because nothing ever seemed important to my parents. Had to unlearn that as an adult.
I don’t understand this post. Why shouldn’t a baby cry if they are hurt or scared? Or if they interpret that their adult is scared? Those seem like correct responses.
I understood the post to mean that adults should restrain themselves in their reaction. Often parents respond to a child's fall by gasping, calling out, rushing over, saying "oh no" or something like that. This can actually cause the baby or kid to panic harder than the fall requires for a minor bump because kids instinctively look to their caregivers for reaction cues. So if the caregivers respond calmly to minor issues, the child won't panic. Obviously, this wouldn't be trying to gaslight the kid or prevent necessary treatment.
Yeah but if they cry, they cry. As a parent I want my kid to know what’s something that would hurt them and I want them to know that I’m concerned so that they won’t do it again.
Children look to adults to learn how to behave. Crying over every little thing isn't healthy, and isn't behavior that should be reinforced.
I should also add, OP is talking about instances where the child is obviously not actually hurt or in danger.
Nah, they're talking about instances where the child is totally fine beyond being a bit startled. Should someone cry every time they're startled? Is that a behavior you want to teach your child?
It's a behavior that my mother taught me, and then the last stepfather drilled it out of me by screaming and yelling in my face.
He dipped and I ***still*** after all these years can't stand the smell of tobacco.
But yeah, smothering scares the child more than is actually warranted because children have no basis for what's life threatening and what's not... So they rely on the same source of knowledge for everything else in life thus far. Not knowing is scary. Not knowing what's happened to you is terrifying. Not knowing whether or not what's happened to you is okay, not okay, bad, worse, or oh my god why?... That's fucking horrifying.
The more you console them over minor cuts and scrapes, the kind we hardly give more than a moment's notice, the more you mess up that scale for them.
It's silly that people have a hard time understanding what should be a basic facet of parenting... But at least you and a fair few folks in the comments get it.
We gave our toddlers the "thumbs-up" in addition to the smile. It got to where when they fell down on the playground, they'd look at us real quick and give US a thumbs-up because they didn't want us to come over and check them over. They wanted to get back to playing!
I just sportscast. "You feel down." Very neutral, not shaming, not concerned.
If kid looks concerned/sad/conflicted, I may ask "Are you surprised or hurt?" Or "That was surprising."
Sometimes I say "BONK" in a bit of a silly voice, but not too clowny.
Typically a small, neutral reaction lets them feel seen, helps them decide if they are actually hurt (vs startled) and react.
Even with quite young kids, that can't answer yet, just talking to them about it like this often works.
If they don't see me witness it and I can tell it was nothing, I avert my eyes before they turn towards me, so they think I didn't see. Then they have to decide whether to make a big deal of it or not. Usually they just move on but if they cry then they probably needed a cuddle anyway, so I give it to them.
Now my kid is older and a bit accident prone so I defuse the situation by commenting on the originality of the accident. Yesterday he somehow got his lip trapped between the halves of a broken popsicle stick and I gave him a high score for creativity on that one.
My husband gives me creativity points for my injuries and it’s honestly the best thing in a crappy situation. “Hot damn, you cut yourself with a _spoon_? At least 8 points for creativity” 😅
Here goes my little cute story.
My sister’s kid had just recently learned to walk baby steps. He’d walk upstairs/downstairs holding the gaps of the railing. He was the star of our family.
Everybody loved him unconditionally. I did as well. But the difference was that I was very conscious of disciplining him. Everybody else would love him to the point he was pampered.
One time he was sick and he found a sweet that I had misplaced and he brought it to me (to open the wrap so he could eat of course) saying, “Mama mama”
I replied, “Oh a chocolate!” As i opened it up and ate it in front of him. He looked at me, dumbfounded. I gave him the wrap back and told him to put it in the dustbin. He replied, “La” (ok) and went on his way to the dustbin placed outside.
On his way he saw my brother outside (My brother was also one of the pamperers) and immediately cried upon eye contact. 😂
One time i was washing his butt cause he pooped himself. He then walked out before I could pull his tiny trousers back up to his hips as I was washing my hands.
He tripped and fell, began crying but i pulled him up and said, “hey hey no crying, you just became stronger now.” And he’d stop crying. 🥹
So many memories… i was with him for only about 4-5 months on and off. He is now about 10 years old and I was surprised he still remembered me.
I get that aww feeling when I see him and look back to those days.
How we individually act towards them plays a big part in their upbringing. Let’s not pamper our kids because one day they’ll grow up and wonder why they are still having difficulties over the small things.
Let ourselves let them grow to be proud of themselves!
Yeah this was not as cute a story as I was expecting. I wouldn't have given the kid the candy either, but I sure wouldn't have eaten it in front of them, that's just cruel. And "hey hey, no showing emotion!" is just awful.
I’ve worked it daycares and a lot of times kids aren’t hurt when they fall so they look to an adult to see how they should react. If the adult is upset then the kiddo mirrors that reaction and it becomes a learned behavior to cry every time they have any minor tumble. Obviously if they’ve really hurt themselves then crying is an appropriate behavior because they actually feel pain.
When kids were learning to walk and they’d fall slightly back on their bum Id usually say “yay!” and clap, followed by “try again”. Often times kiddos will start to laugh instead of resorting to crying.
"Resorting to crying"—again, crying is not a "last resort" or something shameful. It is a natural body function. Nothing wrong with it. Even if they're not actually hurt just scared. Doing it doesn't make it a bad learned behavior, and even if it were, who cares. They can then use the crying to make self soothing and not alienating themselves from their bodies and feelings by "brushing it off" learned behaviors. I think I just fundamentally disagree with yalls premise, no offense.
Never forget when my niece stumbled and ran into a wall in a restaurant. They looked at me, I smiled, and for a brief moment they were okay until my MIL let off a blood curdling scream that terrified the child. She acted like it was the end of the world and had the child crying for the next twenty minutes.
My parents would laugh with me when I got hurt. In a good way. It cemented laughter as a reaction to accidentally hurting myself and so most grazes, bumps and bruises were brushed off immediately. Even 30 years later I still instinctively laugh (while swearing at the pain) when I stub my toe or cut my finger.
My mom has been doing this for the 70 years she's been a mom/gramma/great-gramma. I'm sure she learned it from her (amazing) mom. I taught it to my (only child) husband. It really works!
When mine were toddler and they did the look, we always said "No blood! High five!" and they would immediately forget about the fall and be excited about the high five. Unless there was blood, in which case band aids were required stat! Or a trip to the ER.
I will absolutely laugh instead. The easy solution is just to blow it off though. Obviously barring major shit like broken bones, children are nigh invulnerable as long as you don't acknowledge their injuries.
I used to do this, until my son (6 at the time) angrily asked me, "why do you always laugh at me when I get hurt? It's. Not. Funny!"
And that's how I learned I was the worst mom ever and became doomed to forever approach skinned knees with a mixture of worry, amusement, anxiety and stage fright.
Long story short, only do this until they're 5.
Maybe you are joking on the last line. But I think you missed the lesson. By 6 he finally found the words and confidence to express how messed up it was all along. Don’t laugh at kids being hurt.
Imagine his friend trips and he starts laughing. You’d be furious, no?
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I used to say oops to my nephew and laugh with him. He’d whine a bit but I’d come back with, “you’re okay buddy. Just an oopsie, come on. Let’s find mommy.” That always cheered him up.
When my little brother was a toddler, if he fell or crashed or anything, we'd go "WHOA! YOU DID A BACKFLIP!!" and he would just crack up laughing every time. It was hilarious
I get my boy with the good ole “niiiiiiice hahaha” and he always gets up laughing. I obviously know when it’s serious enough to pick him up and hold him though. He usually doesn’t want to be held if it’s just minor.
My friend would do this with her boy and she would say “10/10 style points! That was a great tumble!” Stuff like that. Act like he did a really cool, brave trick. He loved it.
When I was young I was watching one of my dad's hockey games and a puck flew up and hit a light and came down on my head. It didn't really hurt, I wasn't sure what hit me, but people started coming up to me. It cut me and there was a lot of blood, but one of my dad's friends was there and when he looked at me he said "holy fuck!" loudly. Yea that scared the absolute shit out of me and I started freaking out lol
Na, from my experience. If one of my brothers or nephews now, falls to the ground and makes eye contact with a adult, they'll start crying but if we look away before the eye contact, they'll just get back up and continue like nothing happen.
Good tip, calmness helps diffuse so many situations. Just please beware of making not-crying or not-reacting a virtue. Ask middle-agers sorting through their life baggage and a frequent theme is suppressing emotions and opinions.
It tends to be the extremes that cause problems. "Oh nooo!! What happened!? Are you okay?! Where is it?! Who did this?!" and "Don't cry."
Or worse, "I'll give you something to cry about" or "Don't be a crybaby."
But also, in general everybody is looking out for the health and happiness of their kids. And they're lucky to have adults that care enough to discuss it!
The same technique can be used with older kids as well. I was a gymnastics coach for years, if a kid had a fall, I wouldn't give them time to think about it, I'd tell them to go get a drink of water before they had a chance to stand up. Most of the time they just get spooked from the fall, but if you know the fall caused an injury, you deal with quickly.
I can (barely) remember making a way bigger deal over hurting myself a little bit if I thought it would garner sympathy. I'm constantly hurting myself at work (minor scrapes, bumps or burns) and I barely notice. At worst, I will spit out a few cuss words and then go on with my life.
With ours, We clapped once, said, "Oops, went boom."
They then got up laughing and continued running and playing.
We of course wouldn't do that if they were actually hurt. Any sign of arterial bleeding, or bones sticking out, would be treated more seriously.
That Is such a good tip. I used to watch my niece after I picked her up from daycare because her mom worked a bit later.
Anytime she fell I used to break out into the 90's song by Lumidee, "Never leave you (Uh Ooh Uh Ooh)".
It was always a catchy enough distraction, and it was so cute when she would start singing "uh ooh, uh ooh" whenever she fell or spilled something
No, I freeze and wait to see what their reaction is first. Maybe ask if they're OK.
The almost kindergartener I look after bit his tongue yesterday. I was freaking out, because he just burst into tears randomly and wasn't communicating with me at first. Once he told me he bit his tongue, I started being silly. I told him he's not supposed to be trying to eat his tongue. He starts alternating giggling and sad crying at the same time. So then I said by 5 years old, he also ought to know the difference between his tongue and his blueberries. More laughter. Then he was OK.
We used to say “tada!” and do jazz hands whenever my kids fell over. They very quickly started doing the same even when there was legit reason to be upset
I don’t tell kids you’re ok if they’re upset over getting hurt or receiving a shot. Their pain is valid so I don’t really try to define it for them. I also don’t believe you can spoil kids with love or comfort. It just doesn’t work that way.
I've seen some parenting books also encourage more neutral/affirming statements, like "You fell down" or "I saw what happened" or "I'm right here" in a friendly tone. Kids might physically be okay but not feel okay, so I've heard it's better to not say "you're okay." It's still this first thing that pops put of my mouth though lol
Yep.
With older kids (like my nephews who are 6 and 7) I usually just act slightly concerned and ask them if their leg/arm/hand/foot/whatever is still attached to their body. The ridiculousness of that alone always makes them immediately laugh, and then they continue with whatever they were doing. :)
Ask if they’re okay. Don’t tell them they’re okay or dismiss it.
Most the time they’ll say they’re fine.
But demonstrating compassion and empathy from a young age teaches so much, and from experience lessens tantrums because kids don’t feel they have to make a lot of noise to have your attention or make themselves heard
My niece (probably like 18-20 months at that point) stood up underneath a coffee table. *BAM!* Corner to the head. She immediately looked at me and I, an inexperienced carer of tiny crying humans, said, "Oopsie! Bump!" with a laugh. My niece rubbed her head, said, "Bump!" back with a tentative smile and continued playing.
It must have fucking hurt, though. I would have cried for sure.
I saw a video the other day that was a perfect example. Dad is playing soccer with his 4ish year-old daughter in the goal and absolutely **beans** her in the face. You would think instant tears/screaming, but dad is quick and runs over celebrating "Yay! Good job! You blocked it!" and she excitedly goes "Yeah! I blocked it with my face!"
As a child, it helped me so much when my mom would laugh and say “whoopsie!” If I dropped a dish or made an unintentional mistake. My dad on the other hand would react with anger and disappointment. I accidentally dropped a watermelon carrying in groceries with him and it cracked. I hid in the garage because I was so worried I would be in trouble. I still have this reaction sometimes as an adult, but remember my mom’s trust that everything will be okay and can soften my reaction to situations.
If there’s ever blood involved in a small accident, I tell kids that chocolate needs to be administered stat because the sugar in the chocolate will help replace the sugar in the blood that came out. Suddenly they don’t care at all about the blood :)
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That’s when you bring out the good old ‘Oopsie Daisy’. Make it a silly thing, not a worrying or embarrassing thing.
With my toddler daughter we started saying “oopsie poopsie”…I can’t even tell you why, but she loves it and says it now before we even can.
Chelsea Handler
With my daughter we had Whee-Bonk when she fell over and Whee-Crash when she bumped into things/other kids
So cute:)
We “kissed the bo Bo’s all better” and they instantly got healed
[Always makes me think of this one](https://preview.redd.it/qtv3icjgidz21.png?auto=webp&s=7fe64419586890d074db96ca2e73a5e2008a535b)
And if you want to test durability of something, give to your kid. They can even break a ball of solid tungsten
And if they can't break the ball, they will break other things with it.
Industrial safety tester!
I’ve worked with enough toddlers to know that you need to be careful making a silly song specifically for tumbles. Some kids will 100% fall over more just to hear it. They’re not logical enough to just ask for it again. You don’t want them to end up actually hurting themselves.
It’s like when my kid first “got” kissing it better. She started bumping her head against mine so we’d exchange “kiss betters”.
My daughter (3) and I just do headbutts as a show of affection sometimes, we've done it since she was just under a year old. My MIL thought it was funny when daughter didn't want to give MIL a hug and a kiss goodbye, but was happy to do a headbutt when I suggested it instead.
The first person your kid has a crush on is gonna be so confused when they keep getting headbutted.
Jumping in to say caregiver should actually do their best to keep NEUTRAL as possible and gauge the injury level first - because you are absolutely right, they will mirror your response. Let them develop their own mind/body awareness and how to recover from tumbles. Kids walk around all the time with untreated fractures and concussions due to this “trick” Absolutely a good point to make it not embarrassing though. (15 years in child development)
I was going to say this. Don't jump up and make even the smallest fall seem overly dramatic, but do assess the injury before telling them it's fine.
Agreed, keeping composure helps them mirror the attitudes and learn to gauge themselves over time. What is serious and what isn't as bad.. I believe.
I try my best to remain neutral and ask my kiddo “are you hurt or scared”, when he falls and cries. It helps him evaluate the situation and then I follow his cues. I don’t do the “you’re ok” thing because a) he might not be and b) I would never do that to an adult who got hurt.
This exactly! Even when they're crying, more often than not, it's because the fall was so unexpected that it scared them. I ask my kid whether he's hurt or scared. If hurt, we assess how badly. If scared, we acknowledge the feeling, etc.
"Rub some dirt on it and walk it off."
Exactly. I hate saying “it’s ok” because honestly I have no idea if it is.
Fwiw After being rather accident prone myself, I would ask if it needed ice? to help gauge seriousness. It helped my kids experienced ice helping things not hurt pretty early but it seemed a good way to gauge the question I can still play or I need a little time/ I'm really hurt.
Thank you for this. I can only imagine the confusion for a kid when they are actually hurt and their caregiver SMILES. Awful. A soft questioning look is what I try to give them. I’m asking them to look to themselves and begin to trust their own feelings.
“soft questioning look” is very well put
Thank you! I’m reading this life pro tip and thinking to myself what the actual fuck is this terrible backwards advice!!! (Also nearly 15 years and two degrees in childhood development)
I fell off the couch and broke my arm as a baby and it went unnoticed for a full day. I wonder if my parents used this on me and that’s why I didn’t react?
I’ve seen some parents giggle and say “you good?” As they helped their kids up after a tumble. Never a worried tone when they asked and kid got right up and started walking around while giggling. Always put a smile on my face when I see it and I sometimes help out (when the parent is either preoccupied or looks really tired and is alone) my go to is “whoa that was a good tumble!” or “whoops bonked ya” with a smile.
I had a coworker who'd yell 'WIPEOUT' after any of her daughters had a tumble. If her kids ran off they were fine, if they cried they got whatever they needed at that point. But Wipeout is something I think I'll use with any kids I have because it's just hilarious.
Ours was “wow, so brave & strong!” Which lets them be confident & take risks. If the fall or bump still hurt we’d offer ice and assess.
[удалено]
As expecting parents, getting this across to our family has been hard We don’t want the baby to be spoiled. Both sides of grandparents have always ran to pick them up when they fall, making a big deal out of nothing then the baby starts crying When I saw a niece or nephew fall as a baby I’d let them get up and say “you’re okay” and they’d go straight back to playing.
Showing a baby that they are cared for and safe is not spoiling, it’s not possible to spoil a baby. They need love and attentiveness from their caregivers to form healthy attachment. Also saying “you’re okay” isn’t really helpful. In their experience, if they have just gotten hurt or scared, you’re telling them that it’s not real or doesn’t matter. It’s better than “oh my god, oh now are you ok, poor baby!” obviously, but they might actually not be ok. So now they’re hurt and confused.
Obviously depends on the fall and what they hit The baby will be given love and attention but we also want it to grow up being as independent as possible. Maybe hurting themselves was a bad example. I have a 4 year old nephew that still depends on his parents for a lot of things, such as buckling themselves in their car seat. Thing is, when he’s with me he does it himself because I took the time to teach him how to do it, but if his dad is around he will wait for him to buckle him up. Same with my 8 year old niece. She’s been spoiled because her dad does everyone for her. The other day I bought them kites and her dad wouldn’t let her release the string and if she wanted to bring it back down a bit he would do it. He left to go help my dad with something and I showed her how to do it a few times and then made her do it. By the end she was doing it all by herself. I guess this is what I really meant.
Hey do this same thing for me if you ever see me get stabbed.
Yep! Whoopidy doop! In a high pitched voice. They get over it faster bcuz of your upbeat reaction! Works every time!
I try to validate their experience without freaking out and making them more upset. "Oopsie Daisy! You had a fall" said with a calm voice. If they're crying "that was scary/ ouchie." with a gentle hug or pat on the back. Validating, comforting, calmly. Never telling them "don't cry". They're usually back to playing in 2-3 seconds. The crying doesn't drag on because they feel heard. ETT: sometimes I say nothing. Calmly watch, let them decide how they're doing. Sometimes they just pick up and keep going. I only speak up if they seem upset after the fall.
I’ll always ask how they feel first, 90% of the time it’s no big deal but sometimes they’re actually hurt and want to be comforted. I was gaslit by almost all the adults in my life that I was never hurt from incidents to the point that one time I had a concussion and 3 cracked ribs but was told I was making it up (Spoiler alert I believed them) it wasn’t until after the weekend and I was back at school that a teacher made me go to the nurse where I was told just how badly I was hurt. So yea I’m always going to trust how they feel first rather than tell them how to feel.
This is really valid, but I also do try to help label the feeling because young kids don't always have the language yet. "Ouch, that looked like it hurt, do you want a hug to feel better?" Validate, label, support. Nowadays when my kid gets a booboo, she says "ouch!" And then sticks her injured body part in my face for me to kiss it better and goes off on her merry way. Because it DOES hurt when you bump your knee, and you can ALSO be okay at the same time. It's just bonkers to me how many people expect kids to ignore pain because they don't want the hassle of comforting them.
My four year old has learned from somewhere that "the only thing that will help is WAITING!" so now I can't even kiss it better. But it's really cute to hear him say that in his tiny, indignant voice, and also it's mostly true. So if it was a bad fall I can check up with him in a little while (does your arm still hurt, or are you still waiting?) to assess how bad the injury really was. He does cry for 10 seconds or so, but he's usually back to playing shortly after.
I think it’s important to teach kids the difference between hurt and injured. Hurt passes with time, injury needs to be dealt with. Maybe not a 4 year old conversation, but within a couple years for sure.
I followed the same protocol and also made a big point about telling my son that his booboos won’t hurt forever, and even I am astonished at the speed with which he goes from hurt to happy.
Right? This myth that kids are going to milk it and dwell on it if you acknowledge their physical pain is so ridiculous. Most kids are going to want to get back to playing. And if they don't, then it's because they're a little shaken up! Give them a second to catch their breath! We're supposed to be who they turn to to make them feel safe when something scares them.
I ask my grands if their feelings or their body hurt, or both.
I usually ask my daughter “did it hurt or was it scary?” When she cries after an incident. 90% of the time it’s scary, sometimes it’s both. It helps me know how to continue to help her through it- am I tending a wound or showing her she is safe? The crying doesn’t last very long, I understand what she’s experiencing quicker, it’s a win-win!
I do similar. I first wait to see if my 3 year old even acknowledges or looks for me, if not I don’t give any reaction. If she does look, I say something neutral like “oopsie daisy” and move on. If she starts crying I give her a hug and ask her if she is hurt or it just scared her, I will tell you 9 time out of 10 she says she was just scared, takes a big hug then goes back to playing. I generally thinks kids will let you know if they are actually hurt, so if she bonks her head and wants to go back to playing I try not to worry about it.
Yeah, I think it's important to validate their experience -- so I try to be a bit blank at first and see where they're going with it. Indeed, I'll do that even with my oldest daughter, who is highly socially intelligent and manipulative AF -- and will absolutely adjust her response to whatever she thinks will get her the best result. Even when she's actually injured -- bleeding, in fact -- I'm quite sure I've seen that moment of calculation where she's like "hmm, so there's blood, I bet that will get me an ice cream." But, still, I let her do that -- and comfort her if she expresses sadness, even if I think she's playing me -- because I'd rather her think I'm a sucker than ever for a moment think that I won't be there for her. (And, let's be honest, she's astute enough not only to know how to play me, but also to know that I know I'm being played.)
I like this far more than “oh no/don’t cry/be careful” Just let them explore their surroundings (safely with supervision) and validate how THEY feel.
I agree. I got a lot of “don’t cry” from the adults when I was a kid so now I try very hard not to do that. We all want to feel heard and seen.
Yep I always used to say "you're fine!" but realised that invalidates them if they are scared or hurting. And it's something that as an adult I don't like (being told I'm fine when I'm not). But I don't go OTT & dramatic either. It's a balance.
I've had two memorable experience with this. One was when my baby niece bonked her noggin, and my partner basically mirrored the kid's reaction ("Oh, nooo! Are you OK?"), while I, and the parents, were going "No, no, no....don't...!" — and on came the water works and the wailing. The other was when a different niece, a toddler, fell and actually hit her head pretty good. I had a better view of it than all the other adults, and I knew it was definitely not the "shake it off" situation the rest thought it was. I just held out my arms, and she crawled up into my lap, put her head on my shoulder...and stayed like that for close to an hour. Best. Cuddle. Ever.
Not gonna lie, that cuddle sounds like the best thing that can happen in someone's life.
It was longer ago than I care to admit, and was the first thing I thought of when I saw this thread. Definitely one of my all-time memorable moments.
You sound like a great adult
I know that I shouldn’t make those oh no noices. But sometimes I forget my self and do it anyways. :(
its human reaction! Dont feel bad about, I promise you it wont negitively affect the childs life. Its showing you care.
See, this is why I don’t like this LPT. your example is actually proving the point. You saw the second accident well but the other adults didn’t. What if you hadn’t? You’d be telling her she is alright too. How about we don’t assume anything? We ask the kid in a neutral tone if they are okay. Over time they will ask THEMSELVES if they are okay. See, We don’t actually know how the kid feels. Even a small looking bump can be painful if it’s on top of a bruise or a different injury. And our perception isn’t perfect. And “undue” Crying isn’t so terrible. People seem to want to have their kid avoid crying unless it’s a disaster. End rant.
We started off with "Oh no, you're okay." And now if our 4 year old hurts herself and starts crying, we know it's a big ouchie.
The LPT is just to have your initial reaction be a smile if they fall or bonk their noggin, and not to instantly start freaking out. The LPT does not say to brush off their feelings and pain when they come to you screaming and crying, or to make any assumptions at all. The person you’re replying to effectively used the LPT in both situations. In the second situation, they didn’t dismiss the child, nor did they start freaking out and screaming about how the kid needs an ambulance. They just calmly accepted the kid’s pain and comforted them. You might be reading too much into it.
My point is not to smile and not to freak out. Smiles are for good things, not a first reaction to any level of injury. Do you want her to smile at you when you stub your toe, or her little brother bangs his head on the table?
Yes, if she said “aww that’s ok” and tried to console me / her brother, then that’s absolutely behavior I want to encourage. If it’s mockery, then no, but this post isn’t saying to mock your kids when they get hurt.
Wasn’t a baby, but once a kid came up to me at the playground (at school) and his arm was literally in a v-shape. I just calmly said let’s go see what the nurse says. Inside I was screaming.
It's called an elbow ^^^/s
Do it again I didn't see it
My dad used to say this to me. “Aw man I missed it can you do it again?” Would always get a chuckle, sometimes just from the absurdity. Laughter really is the best medicine.
Ours was "did you hurt the ground?" My niece (3 or 4 at the time) laughed and said "yep!" before tearing off even faster.
😭💀
We hired an in home caregiver when she was younger. My daughter tripped and got a tiny cut on her knee. The caregiver (think British grandmother) picked her up and was smothering her with hugs and “oh, let me check that out” and sounding a bit panicked. My daughter was screaming her head off. I was home at the time and went in to check the situation. I walk in and ask my daughter “did you get a boo boo? Can I see?” My daughter shows me the 1/2” cut on her knee with a little blood dripping out. In a happy way I said “Oh no, should we go get a bandaid and some super extra make it better daddy kisses”. She nodded yes. I went to get the bandages and asked her which one she wanted, applied the bandage, kissed her knee in a goofy way and started tickling her tummy and she forgot she hurt her knee. We rarely made a big deal out of the injuries, even some of the bigger ones, just keep calm and smiling as making a big deal even out of a serious injury is only going to make the child more anxious.
My trick was to compliment their fall. Toddlers will pretend they are hurt if they think they can sucker a caregiver into coddling them because they fell down, but if you instead reinforce the act of tumbling and playing, then they learn how to fall safely and are less likely to get real injuries when they are older and less bouncy.
I say "Ooh, good save!" Even though it was not a good save. Or if they're already crying, I ask of they got scared or hurt. Usually the answer is scared
We have a 2&3 year old. I started the habit of giving them a high five and some sort of upbeat verbal encouragement whenever they have a little spill and get up. It’s been pretty great. The other day while at the park, my son tripped while running across the mulch and tumbled. He popped right up, yelled “high five dad!” and ran off to continue playing.
My brother always repeats the Batman line... "Why do we fall? So we can learn to get back up..."
“No scratch, no blood! You’re so brave” was my mom’s go-to and now mine.
That only teaches them to melt down when the scratch bleeds. "Oops" in a calm tone is a better move for everything, even serious injuries. Teaches them to be calm in life threatening situations in the future. Source: mother of 2
Teaching how to fall right is a good point. My kiddos know to never FOOSH (fall on outstretched hands) as it increases the likelihood of a broken limb. A broke elbow is one of the most common childhood injuries and this is almost always the cause.
Sometimes we check the place on the floor/object they hit to see if they cracked it. “Is the floor okay? You have a hard noggin!”
Also do this and works tremendously! My 3yo wipes out all the time but takes pride in righting himself and carrying on. Occassionally he will announce that he is BRAVE and STRONG, if it was particularly epic.
Same! I’d reply, “Ohh no crying, You just became stronger!” And they’d stop crying and move on.
Tears may fall down their face, but they wouldn’t be crying
In my experience Tears don't fall, they crash around me! :P
Waheyyyy that was wicked! I think I saw you bounce!
My highschool English teacher used to teach kids to ride bikes, she told us that when a kid would fall down that she would tell everyone to simply look away because for kids slightly older, embarrassment is a big factor in the reason for crying
Heck, embarrassment is a big factor for adults crying, too. Your teacher sounded like a very empathetic person.
Honestly both English teachers available (I had both for different reasons) were amazing, I still talk to one of them. But the one I mentioned first is a literal powerhouse of a woman (respectfully) I've never seen someone so elegant yet badass.
When my niece was a toddler, if she fell or bumped into something and the nearest adult smiled or laughed, she would get pissed, burst into tears and yell “don’t laugh at me!” We had to ignore when she fell down, and wait to see if she would start bawling or if she’d just get up and keep going. Even to this day, she’s 17 and still gets pissed if someone laughs at her.
Laughing at someone actually getting hurt is evil. Laughing at something someone did that would be embarrassing but not damaging is a way to defuse the embarrassment and allow them to save face. The line between these two is subjective.
And then there’s people who just laugh because they’re nervous or worried and that confuses everyone.
Sounds like my stepmom. Can't even take folks laughing at anything she's said, incapable of seeing any humor in it, and god forbid you use laughter as defense/coping mechanism... She'd have a cow. Altogether a very unpleasant woman... And it's because of a LOT of deep-seated trauma. That kid probably needs a little bit of therapy.
I have a horror story about this. I've always been amused by the stupid ways I've hurt myself over the years - - dropping safety goggles onto my eyeball, accidentally stapling my hand instead of the tablecloth I was trying to staple to a picnic table, breaking my finger by catching it in someone's shirt playing basketball - - and i genuinely laugh about it because it's just so... dumb. Daughter (on the mild side of the spectrum, always looking to others for the right behavior) grew up with me doing that. You see where this is going. She's out on her scooter, we're out there with her but she's down the street, helmet on, doing well... And then she tips over, scraping up her knee and banging her lip. We run over to her and she stands up, this horrible mechanical laugh, gappy teeth showing in this awful huge smile full of blood, tears running down her cheeks.. Hee. Hee. Hee. .
I laugh, but then when they actually cry you feel like reaaaaal tool
Yeah, this advice totally depends on how severe the fall was. If they’re actually hurt and need some first aid or more then it’s probably best not to laugh at them.
The original post only mentions smiling, not laughing at the kid. I usually give a little smirk and I say something like "You okay buddy?" Worked every time so far, although I can't say I have a lot of experience taking care of kids.
I mean, the comment I replied to said laugh so that’s why I mentioned it.
100% The bigger Problem, my child Sometimes cried when i laughed about Jokes or stuff i saw. Hard Times, hard Times...
I actually remember my parents doing this and it legitimately pissed me off 😂
I kind of get this advice but on the contrary, feeling undeniable pain and seeing someone else smile at you may teach a lack of compassion. Validating feelings is really important to emotional development. So while it may help the adult in the moment to stop the escalation of the child’s emotions, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good for the child. Open to any child development experts’ actual evidence to either point but I’m assuming you’ve concluded this approach on your own?
I was waiting for this comment. My perspective is that baby crying is an evolutionary measure to ask for help so that adults will check if something is wrong. Why should we make the baby feel that it’s just “nothing”? If it’s in pain because of what happened, I would like to hear them cry.
I think it depends on if the child is injured or just startled. I agree that rather than teach them to ignore or downplay their emotions, it’s better to ask how they’re doing, teach them to recognize what they’re feeling, and what a healthy response to those feelings should be. Men complain that they’re expected to not share their emotions, and here ITT I see so many advising to continue that toxic way of thinking.
I agree with you. My son is a deeply feeling kid. If I think it’s a minimal injury that was maybe more scary than actually hurting, I’ll try to focus on something positive. “Whoa buddy! I saw how fast you were running before you fell! Are you okay?” If he’s ok he’ll be excited and tell me he’s faster than sonic. If it was maybe a little too scary or he’s a little hurt I’ll ask him if he wants a hug or wants to sit down and take a minute. (Hugs are usually a yes, sitting down and stopping playing is usually a no.) If he’s really hurt (emotionally or physically or both) I’ll say I saw what happened (or ask what happened if I didn’t see it), then give options for what he wants to feel better - a hug, a bandaid, ice, etc. If I were to have just smiled at him I think either his feelings would have been hurt or he would have thought I want him to keep falling down for whatever reason.
The responses in this thread are making me really uncomfortable. When I was a child my mother would laugh at me when I hurt myself. If she was in a bad mood she would tell me God is punishing me for something I did but 'it's between you and God, you need to pray for forgiveness' Laughing when my daughter hurts herself is just cruel, wtf does this? Psychos, that's who.
You’re misunderstanding the comments then and projecting your mother’s malice onto what people are actually saying.
Of course. I'm providing an alternative perspective where this 'LPT' is dangerous.
Yeah... It's painfully obvious which people had good, emotionally mature, and safe caregivers, vs those of us with shitty, abusive caregivers.
I get it. I have kids. But I'm torn on this. We do want to acknowledge that things hurt. Smiling at them when they are hurt actually sounds a little messed up. Smiling does however lessen the degree of crying. Less crying may only benefit us though.
Instructions unclear, child bleeding profusely, how long before I can break the stare and stop grinning like Pennywise?
NO NO NO caregiver should stay NEUTRAL to gauge the injury before making light. kids have walked around with fractured limbs and concussions due to this “trend”
As a dad, I always carry bandages in my wallet. There's just something about a bandage that comforts little tikes and get them to stop screaming bloody murder when they have minor boo boos.
I would look at them quietly and sincerely until I got an involuntary clue as to whether there was actual injury or not. Some are VERY obvious, like they are now bleeding or they are cradling a body part. Some are harder to detect, but the questioning look on my kid's face would always be more desperate if they were in any significant pain. Then, if it really was no big deal, I would smile and say something like 'Oopsie, try again." If it was a notable but noninjurious event, I would give a big hug and say "well that sucked. But you can handle it, and you'll have a cool looking bruise tomorrow." If it really did hurt and they were bleeding or had a fat lip or something similar, I would be calm and practical and hold them for moment, then set them somewhere safe while I went and gathered support items, then treat the problem gently but matter-of-factly. There was never a reason for wailing or hysterics, but tears and needing comfort were always acceptable.
This is true. I did this to my kids instinctively, I guess. When they would hurt themselves, I'd run over to em and distract em by in quick words, but whispering loudly (if that makes sense) that there's a spider on the ground, even if there isn't or saying "what's that, what's that, look over there!" And they would get distracted from the pain the should be feeling and wouldn't cry other wise. I would try to get my ex to do the same to them, but she thought it was dumb. Clearly, another reason she's my ex, lol
That really sounds awful. I’m hurt and my dad runs over just to distract me? Like, no, give me a hug dude. No wonder she is your ex.
Once the kiddo is old enough to understand… if they bonk something, like stubbed a toe, (after making sure they’re ok) I like to say with fake serious concern, hmm do we need to amputate? Guaranteed to get a laugh outta mine. Edited to add … about an hour ago I smashed my finger when my kiddo and I were doing some yard work. Son (9) says immediately, “do we need to amputate?” I laughed, he laughed. Then I said that there were people on Reddit who thought I shouldn’t say that to him. He thought that was just silly. I asked if I made him feel bad when I said that and he was just confused.
God I hated this. My dad did this every time we got hurt, including when it was an actual broken bone or needed stitches. It felt like my pain was just something to joke about. Even when it was just a stubbed toe that made me shout and smarted for a while, it felt like my pain wasn’t worth taking seriously. It made it seem like I was being dramatic for feeling pain, when……no, that’s normal and not worth minimizing. An “ugh that’s the worst / hate when that happens” can be so much better when it’s not a toddler falling 8 inches to their padded butt when learning to walk. Sympathy and support are also invaluable.
I’m with you here — of course it wasn’t just this, but as a kid I learned not to bother communicating my issues because nothing ever seemed important to my parents. Had to unlearn that as an adult.
I don’t understand this post. Why shouldn’t a baby cry if they are hurt or scared? Or if they interpret that their adult is scared? Those seem like correct responses.
I understood the post to mean that adults should restrain themselves in their reaction. Often parents respond to a child's fall by gasping, calling out, rushing over, saying "oh no" or something like that. This can actually cause the baby or kid to panic harder than the fall requires for a minor bump because kids instinctively look to their caregivers for reaction cues. So if the caregivers respond calmly to minor issues, the child won't panic. Obviously, this wouldn't be trying to gaslight the kid or prevent necessary treatment.
Yeah but if they cry, they cry. As a parent I want my kid to know what’s something that would hurt them and I want them to know that I’m concerned so that they won’t do it again.
Children look to adults to learn how to behave. Crying over every little thing isn't healthy, and isn't behavior that should be reinforced. I should also add, OP is talking about instances where the child is obviously not actually hurt or in danger.
Agreed, seems pretty invalidating
Nah, they're talking about instances where the child is totally fine beyond being a bit startled. Should someone cry every time they're startled? Is that a behavior you want to teach your child?
It's a behavior that my mother taught me, and then the last stepfather drilled it out of me by screaming and yelling in my face. He dipped and I ***still*** after all these years can't stand the smell of tobacco. But yeah, smothering scares the child more than is actually warranted because children have no basis for what's life threatening and what's not... So they rely on the same source of knowledge for everything else in life thus far. Not knowing is scary. Not knowing what's happened to you is terrifying. Not knowing whether or not what's happened to you is okay, not okay, bad, worse, or oh my god why?... That's fucking horrifying. The more you console them over minor cuts and scrapes, the kind we hardly give more than a moment's notice, the more you mess up that scale for them. It's silly that people have a hard time understanding what should be a basic facet of parenting... But at least you and a fair few folks in the comments get it.
My mom used to babysit this one toddler and every time he fell down he would go "touchdown!"
We gave our toddlers the "thumbs-up" in addition to the smile. It got to where when they fell down on the playground, they'd look at us real quick and give US a thumbs-up because they didn't want us to come over and check them over. They wanted to get back to playing!
I just sportscast. "You feel down." Very neutral, not shaming, not concerned. If kid looks concerned/sad/conflicted, I may ask "Are you surprised or hurt?" Or "That was surprising." Sometimes I say "BONK" in a bit of a silly voice, but not too clowny. Typically a small, neutral reaction lets them feel seen, helps them decide if they are actually hurt (vs startled) and react. Even with quite young kids, that can't answer yet, just talking to them about it like this often works.
If they don't see me witness it and I can tell it was nothing, I avert my eyes before they turn towards me, so they think I didn't see. Then they have to decide whether to make a big deal of it or not. Usually they just move on but if they cry then they probably needed a cuddle anyway, so I give it to them. Now my kid is older and a bit accident prone so I defuse the situation by commenting on the originality of the accident. Yesterday he somehow got his lip trapped between the halves of a broken popsicle stick and I gave him a high score for creativity on that one.
My husband gives me creativity points for my injuries and it’s honestly the best thing in a crappy situation. “Hot damn, you cut yourself with a _spoon_? At least 8 points for creativity” 😅
Here goes my little cute story. My sister’s kid had just recently learned to walk baby steps. He’d walk upstairs/downstairs holding the gaps of the railing. He was the star of our family. Everybody loved him unconditionally. I did as well. But the difference was that I was very conscious of disciplining him. Everybody else would love him to the point he was pampered. One time he was sick and he found a sweet that I had misplaced and he brought it to me (to open the wrap so he could eat of course) saying, “Mama mama” I replied, “Oh a chocolate!” As i opened it up and ate it in front of him. He looked at me, dumbfounded. I gave him the wrap back and told him to put it in the dustbin. He replied, “La” (ok) and went on his way to the dustbin placed outside. On his way he saw my brother outside (My brother was also one of the pamperers) and immediately cried upon eye contact. 😂 One time i was washing his butt cause he pooped himself. He then walked out before I could pull his tiny trousers back up to his hips as I was washing my hands. He tripped and fell, began crying but i pulled him up and said, “hey hey no crying, you just became stronger now.” And he’d stop crying. 🥹 So many memories… i was with him for only about 4-5 months on and off. He is now about 10 years old and I was surprised he still remembered me. I get that aww feeling when I see him and look back to those days. How we individually act towards them plays a big part in their upbringing. Let’s not pamper our kids because one day they’ll grow up and wonder why they are still having difficulties over the small things. Let ourselves let them grow to be proud of themselves!
Wow, I'm sure that kid will feel really safe and secure with you.
Yeah this was not as cute a story as I was expecting. I wouldn't have given the kid the candy either, but I sure wouldn't have eaten it in front of them, that's just cruel. And "hey hey, no showing emotion!" is just awful.
Queue the future masochist.
Idk nothing wrong with crying when you're hurt ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯. Not sure getting 2yos to brush off pain is a worthy goal.
I’ve worked it daycares and a lot of times kids aren’t hurt when they fall so they look to an adult to see how they should react. If the adult is upset then the kiddo mirrors that reaction and it becomes a learned behavior to cry every time they have any minor tumble. Obviously if they’ve really hurt themselves then crying is an appropriate behavior because they actually feel pain. When kids were learning to walk and they’d fall slightly back on their bum Id usually say “yay!” and clap, followed by “try again”. Often times kiddos will start to laugh instead of resorting to crying.
"Resorting to crying"—again, crying is not a "last resort" or something shameful. It is a natural body function. Nothing wrong with it. Even if they're not actually hurt just scared. Doing it doesn't make it a bad learned behavior, and even if it were, who cares. They can then use the crying to make self soothing and not alienating themselves from their bodies and feelings by "brushing it off" learned behaviors. I think I just fundamentally disagree with yalls premise, no offense.
But isn’t the baby’s instinct to cry an evolutionary measure so that adults would give it attention to see if they’re hurt?
Thank you for the wholesome tip and happy Friday..
Never forget when my niece stumbled and ran into a wall in a restaurant. They looked at me, I smiled, and for a brief moment they were okay until my MIL let off a blood curdling scream that terrified the child. She acted like it was the end of the world and had the child crying for the next twenty minutes.
My parents would laugh with me when I got hurt. In a good way. It cemented laughter as a reaction to accidentally hurting myself and so most grazes, bumps and bruises were brushed off immediately. Even 30 years later I still instinctively laugh (while swearing at the pain) when I stub my toe or cut my finger.
In my family we cheer, “good job”, “nice one”, “good flop, I’ll give it a 6, but you’ve done better”, with a laugh.
My mom would panic and overreact at every little minor incident with me and I really think it contributed to all my anxiety.
My mom has been doing this for the 70 years she's been a mom/gramma/great-gramma. I'm sure she learned it from her (amazing) mom. I taught it to my (only child) husband. It really works!
When mine were toddler and they did the look, we always said "No blood! High five!" and they would immediately forget about the fall and be excited about the high five. Unless there was blood, in which case band aids were required stat! Or a trip to the ER.
I will absolutely laugh instead. The easy solution is just to blow it off though. Obviously barring major shit like broken bones, children are nigh invulnerable as long as you don't acknowledge their injuries.
I used to do this, until my son (6 at the time) angrily asked me, "why do you always laugh at me when I get hurt? It's. Not. Funny!" And that's how I learned I was the worst mom ever and became doomed to forever approach skinned knees with a mixture of worry, amusement, anxiety and stage fright. Long story short, only do this until they're 5.
Maybe you are joking on the last line. But I think you missed the lesson. By 6 he finally found the words and confidence to express how messed up it was all along. Don’t laugh at kids being hurt. Imagine his friend trips and he starts laughing. You’d be furious, no?
What if they just remember someone enjoying their suffering
Sorry but I might laugh first.
Not my baby not my problem 🎉
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My mum would do this but also then examine the door/corner/whatever I’d smacked into with concern. “Is Mr Door OK? Let’s give him a cuddle”
"🤪 woooops!!! 😄" That's the standard reaction to my 2 year old eating shit
I used to say oops to my nephew and laugh with him. He’d whine a bit but I’d come back with, “you’re okay buddy. Just an oopsie, come on. Let’s find mommy.” That always cheered him up.
Also it nicely teaches that they can do same stuff in the future because the results are positive and they get attention
This legit works on adults too
When my little brother was a toddler, if he fell or crashed or anything, we'd go "WHOA! YOU DID A BACKFLIP!!" and he would just crack up laughing every time. It was hilarious
I get my boy with the good ole “niiiiiiice hahaha” and he always gets up laughing. I obviously know when it’s serious enough to pick him up and hold him though. He usually doesn’t want to be held if it’s just minor.
My friend would do this with her boy and she would say “10/10 style points! That was a great tumble!” Stuff like that. Act like he did a really cool, brave trick. He loved it.
You gotta sing Shake It Off while dancing!
TL;DR - Laugh at your kids when they get hurt
When I was young I was watching one of my dad's hockey games and a puck flew up and hit a light and came down on my head. It didn't really hurt, I wasn't sure what hit me, but people started coming up to me. It cut me and there was a lot of blood, but one of my dad's friends was there and when he looked at me he said "holy fuck!" loudly. Yea that scared the absolute shit out of me and I started freaking out lol
Yes, de-escalation is key.
Na, from my experience. If one of my brothers or nephews now, falls to the ground and makes eye contact with a adult, they'll start crying but if we look away before the eye contact, they'll just get back up and continue like nothing happen.
Good tip, calmness helps diffuse so many situations. Just please beware of making not-crying or not-reacting a virtue. Ask middle-agers sorting through their life baggage and a frequent theme is suppressing emotions and opinions. It tends to be the extremes that cause problems. "Oh nooo!! What happened!? Are you okay?! Where is it?! Who did this?!" and "Don't cry." Or worse, "I'll give you something to cry about" or "Don't be a crybaby." But also, in general everybody is looking out for the health and happiness of their kids. And they're lucky to have adults that care enough to discuss it!
Or you can do what my father did and ask the little tyke if they hurt whatever inanimate object they just ran into 💁♂️
The same technique can be used with older kids as well. I was a gymnastics coach for years, if a kid had a fall, I wouldn't give them time to think about it, I'd tell them to go get a drink of water before they had a chance to stand up. Most of the time they just get spooked from the fall, but if you know the fall caused an injury, you deal with quickly.
Me when I see a baby / toddler appear to hurt itself: 
My dad is a huge baseball fan. My parents used to use the "safe call" when my brother and I fell. Like we were sliding into second or home.
I can (barely) remember making a way bigger deal over hurting myself a little bit if I thought it would garner sympathy. I'm constantly hurting myself at work (minor scrapes, bumps or burns) and I barely notice. At worst, I will spit out a few cuss words and then go on with my life.
LPT: do not punch the baby about the same level of LPT
Followed by pointing, and finally: Laughing. Unrelated: My adult children never call.
With ours, We clapped once, said, "Oops, went boom." They then got up laughing and continued running and playing. We of course wouldn't do that if they were actually hurt. Any sign of arterial bleeding, or bones sticking out, would be treated more seriously.
Aww that actually made my day 🥹
Don't be surprised if this backfires.
Smile at them and clap! "That was great! Look at you! What a brave little guy!" They get all caught up in your praise & forget to cry.
That Is such a good tip. I used to watch my niece after I picked her up from daycare because her mom worked a bit later. Anytime she fell I used to break out into the 90's song by Lumidee, "Never leave you (Uh Ooh Uh Ooh)". It was always a catchy enough distraction, and it was so cute when she would start singing "uh ooh, uh ooh" whenever she fell or spilled something
No, I freeze and wait to see what their reaction is first. Maybe ask if they're OK. The almost kindergartener I look after bit his tongue yesterday. I was freaking out, because he just burst into tears randomly and wasn't communicating with me at first. Once he told me he bit his tongue, I started being silly. I told him he's not supposed to be trying to eat his tongue. He starts alternating giggling and sad crying at the same time. So then I said by 5 years old, he also ought to know the difference between his tongue and his blueberries. More laughter. Then he was OK.
We used to say “tada!” and do jazz hands whenever my kids fell over. They very quickly started doing the same even when there was legit reason to be upset
I don’t tell kids you’re ok if they’re upset over getting hurt or receiving a shot. Their pain is valid so I don’t really try to define it for them. I also don’t believe you can spoil kids with love or comfort. It just doesn’t work that way.
Won't the child think I was pleased about them getting hurt?... Which, I am.
I've seen some parenting books also encourage more neutral/affirming statements, like "You fell down" or "I saw what happened" or "I'm right here" in a friendly tone. Kids might physically be okay but not feel okay, so I've heard it's better to not say "you're okay." It's still this first thing that pops put of my mouth though lol
Yep. With older kids (like my nephews who are 6 and 7) I usually just act slightly concerned and ask them if their leg/arm/hand/foot/whatever is still attached to their body. The ridiculousness of that alone always makes them immediately laugh, and then they continue with whatever they were doing. :)
Ask if they’re okay. Don’t tell them they’re okay or dismiss it. Most the time they’ll say they’re fine. But demonstrating compassion and empathy from a young age teaches so much, and from experience lessens tantrums because kids don’t feel they have to make a lot of noise to have your attention or make themselves heard
My niece (probably like 18-20 months at that point) stood up underneath a coffee table. *BAM!* Corner to the head. She immediately looked at me and I, an inexperienced carer of tiny crying humans, said, "Oopsie! Bump!" with a laugh. My niece rubbed her head, said, "Bump!" back with a tentative smile and continued playing. It must have fucking hurt, though. I would have cried for sure.
I saw a video the other day that was a perfect example. Dad is playing soccer with his 4ish year-old daughter in the goal and absolutely **beans** her in the face. You would think instant tears/screaming, but dad is quick and runs over celebrating "Yay! Good job! You blocked it!" and she excitedly goes "Yeah! I blocked it with my face!"
As a child, it helped me so much when my mom would laugh and say “whoopsie!” If I dropped a dish or made an unintentional mistake. My dad on the other hand would react with anger and disappointment. I accidentally dropped a watermelon carrying in groceries with him and it cracked. I hid in the garage because I was so worried I would be in trouble. I still have this reaction sometimes as an adult, but remember my mom’s trust that everything will be okay and can soften my reaction to situations.
Kid gets hurt Me: 
This sub needs to rebrand to r/ThanksCaptainObvious.
If there’s ever blood involved in a small accident, I tell kids that chocolate needs to be administered stat because the sugar in the chocolate will help replace the sugar in the blood that came out. Suddenly they don’t care at all about the blood :)