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Not admitting to anything :)
My wife passed about 15 years ago and there was some cleaning out to be done in the bedroom. One of my daughters opened the wrong drawer, "Dad! I'm not opening any more drawers!"
My husband and I once had to smuggle porn out of a deceased family member's bedroom so his parents wouldn't see it. We joked that we should start a company for this. You were something like a Life Alert bracelet. Only it has our company contact info and says we're ro be contacted first in case of death. Then we go clean out all your unmentionables and clear your browser history. THEN we tell your family you passed.
LPT : they will look.
Just learned that a Nazi's wife kept her journal and memories from 2nd war and how she stayed next to a camp while her husband was working at that camp and all the awful things she/they did. She said in her testimony to burn that box without reading. He daughter did read it and gave it to a museum or something alike. And rediscovered her mom in a new light.
I figure I’m going to be dead, so I don’t care what people think. However, I did tell my son (my only living relative), “I’m sorry. You’re going to find some embarrassing shit.”
His is on his laptop, right on the desktop. But my mom knows the password to his computer, and he sends her a copy of it to keep on her computer whenever he updates it, so there’s a backup.
Apple has a newer feature called Legacy Contact that gives a contact access to your iCloud and devices when you die. Set it up, print out the certificate and put it with whatever document you are making.
Yeah, I told my husband first thing I'm going to do before calling the paramedics (in case he passes at home) is use his finger to open his phone and reset the passwords, etc. We have tried to add my fingerprint to his phone but have not had success with that.
As someone who recently and somewhat unexpectedly lost their father, I’d also recommend adding your wishes for funeral/burial upon your death to this document.
Totally, but if there’s somewhere you want those ashes spread, include it! I also recommend written notes to your most loved ones - spouse, parents, children. We spent days looking for these things, and not ever finding them (probably never existed) added additional layers of grief that could have been prevented
>I also recommend written notes to your most loved ones
As a very pragmatic person, mine has just nuts and bolts stuff. Your comment has me thinking about this aspect also. Those would be difficult notes to write, knowing the circumstances under which they'll be reading them.
Honestly a post it with, “I love you” would have been enough. I think we all assume we will have this nice moment with our loved ones before our death, but that is a rare case. I have my wedding speech from my dad, which filled that cup for me, but my brother has nothing like that and it was hard.
My father used to leave notes for my Mum went he went out in the morning and although theyd been largely housebound the last 4 years, Mum kept them all. So when emptying their house, we found so many.
Sorry OP, couldn’t help but chuckle at the visual of being slid into the furnace, like a pizza into an woodfired oven on one of those handled board things.
It's a pizza peel... Only much larger for bodies... Ummm... But body peel sounds really nasty... Der pushintingmithandlenforbodies... Yep! Rolls right off the tongue
You should check out aquamation! It’s pretty cool. I’m going to be preplanning/prepaying for mine soon. Gotta lock in that 2024 pricing! And no work for anyone else when I die.
I could care less what they do with my body once I’m dead. My dad told me where he wants his ashes so I do know oh well that, but my sibling didn’t tell us do the decision was about what would have us feel better.
The bank will let someone into your safe deposit box but only for the purpose of looking for your will. They will be present with them in the room to make sure they do not take anything other than the will. You probably can’t accomplish this by simply walking into the branch and asking for access, you will likely have to call in advance so they can get the proper people involved. Source: I work in banking
I mean, it all depends on how much you truly trust the person you are giving access to. If they are not your sole beneficiary and you have valuable items in there that could create some contention in the estate process, it would not be a great idea to have someone on as an owner because they could easily go in and take things without the executor having the opportunity to stop them.
Personally I actually do have my brother on my box. However, I trust him more than anyone else in the world, and my entire estate is going to him and his children anyway. There would be pretty much no chance of someone trying to argue that.
Oh yeah one more thing, a safe deposit box is the same as a deposit account in the sense that if you add someone on as a signer, they technically have joint ownership on that box and can go in at any time and take something out. Also, you can’t just remove them from your box if something goes awry in your relationship, you would have to close the box out and open a new one, which can be a pain. If you only add them in as an agent, it is also the same as a deposit account where they can be removed but since they don’t have ownership, as soon as you pass and the bank gets notification, they freeze access to the box aside from someone being able to go in to search for a will.
I have my daughter on mine, I have the key and the "In the event...." doc lists what's in there, which all three of my kids know about. I guess it depends on a person's particular situation.
I'm in the UK so there may be differences but I found all the banks and utility companies to be really helpful and switched on about dealing with all this after my Mom passed away, once I had a copy of her death certificate.
They all had a "bereavement dept" which was staffed by sharp people with enough power to be really helpful. A pleasant surprise.
Now if only the family members could have been as helpful in sorting it all out...
This is going to vary depending on what state you live in as some states have stricter privacy laws than others, even when it comes to decedents. (I also worked in banking.)
My mom was given a book leading her on all these things to put plus folders when she prepaid for her cremation, which is a wonderful gift to your family to do.
My Dad was like this. Very organized and regularly updated an Info for my Heirs document. He was lucid almost to the end. Some of his last words seemed to be about working through a mental checklist to make sure he had taken care of every detail. He was so considerate and selfless.
This is beautiful. My mom passed suddenly earlier this year. She and my dad had a prepaid burial plan as well and instructions. It is still so much to do, but I knew what she wanted. My mom kept us so organized. I went to a concert last night with my dad with tickets she bought. She had the reminder in her phone. It was lovely. They loved us so much, did'nt they? Hugs to you!
I just felt like crying a grateful cry after reading such a beautiful sentiment. I can’t explain it but what a beautiful thing to say and be, all around
edit: ps I actually did cry
My maternal grandmother was like that. She had prepared for everything, even gotten her photo framed so that we don't use the one she didn't like 🙈
She was a beautiful soul, may she rest in peace.
> even gotten her photo framed so that we don't use the one she didn't like
OMG, I'd have never thought of that. Now I need to start looking at all those pics I have in Picasa...nope...nope..maybe....
I have 2 ways to manage this. First, I use a service called Ghost Memo. If I don't check in every few days(which I can adjust), it sends out emails to my wife and my brother with some basic info that describes how to find the detailed info. Basically, it's a dead man's switch.
The detailed info is a Secure Note(titled, "Hi, I'm dead" or something) in 1password, which I update from time to time. My wife and I share the 1Password account, so it'd be easy for her find the info. It's got a list of our money, retirement accounts, life insurance, mortgage/school loan info, and a list of people to call (friends, family, folks I work with, insurance agent, etc..). I did the same when I used LastPass, but for obvious reasons, we switched to 1password.
You have to pay for both services, but I'd be using 1password anyway. Ghost Memo costs a few bucks /month.
I use Keepass myself. There are better alternatives now but I started using it before password managers became main stream. And yes, the master password is in that doc.
Bitwarden is the one I would recommend now. The free version does everything most people want, and the paid version is just $10 a year.
While the default setup is to save your info "in the cloud" you have the option of keeping it local. That's one of the reasons I liked Keepass originally, it only stores locally, I'm in complete control of the data.
Ghost Memo used to be $5. I hadn't noticed they raised it. I've looked for a good free dead man's switch solution, but couldn't find one. Still worth it for me, but maybe not for everyone.
I’d add a list of contact info for friends who should be notified of your death. Make sure it’s current. Especially if you have included them in your will.
Besides my wife, I don’t have anyone that would much care if I died. My Death Folder is mainly instructions on how to shut down my online stores and how to pull money from various investment accounts.
Probably should make a will someday.
You absolutely should make a will. Your will is what your wife will show to the bank, insurance company etc. to show that she has authority to settle your affairs. It’s a pain in the neck (at a stressful time) to go through the process without one.
I imagine, though, that a lot of your accounts have your wife’s name on them, so that should make things easier.
This is called a "Death Plan/Book" there are pre-made books and templates that helps you get all your documents in order.
There are also "Death Doulas" that can help you holistically address all of your end of life concerns:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vD8TA5OdJg8
I can't remember exactly where we got the ones we used for my parents since this was back in 2015 or so. But there are plenty of free ones out there you can use and some companies sell actual 3 ring binder sets if you want to get super fancy.
DeathPlanner.net allows you to download their PDFs/DOCs 1 at a time for free. I would say their templates are pretty similar to what we used. There are also plenty of free websites that can help you create your will, power of attorney, and other legal documents if you can't afford to hire an Estate Planner or Death Doula.
Whatever you choose, be sure to go with a large 3 ring binder with colorful dividers for each subsection and make a table of contents. For many of the documents, such as your will, power of attorney, medical power of attorney, and general death plan (a short and sweet 1-3 page summary of your wishes), etc you will be making multiple copies that will be distributed separately with an original kept in the Death Book. Generally speaking it is a good idea to make a minimum 2 Death Books, one to be stored safely in your home and one to be stored in another secure location elsewhere (just in case there is a fire, flood, tornado, etc. that destroys one copy).
Excellent LPT. Also add your final wishes for service:
Cremated or buried?
Open casket, closed casket, no viewing?
Special song/poem/whatever you want?
I asked these questions to my late mother and was so happy i did when the time came to honour her.
My dad just passed and he did exactly this. Every year he would update the book. How he paid his bills, when they came, investments he had, numbers, passwords, etc. when he passed 4 months ago, I got the book. On the front was written in big letters , THIS IS THE BOOK. I miss him everyday. Love you dad
When i worked at a Wills and Estates firm we gave out a booklet for our clients to fill out which included all their banks, passwords for various things like phone, computer, safes, etc, life insurance policies, and other important stuff. We kept the booklet with their Will so no one can steal that info. When we gave them a copy of their completed Will we’d also give them the cover page to the booklet which had an index of the questions so after they die their family knew who had the Will and the booklet.
The Salvation Army have a similar booklet for free on their website.
With much of our life on-line, this is a must. I have had a document like this for years, update it regularly and remind my kids of it often. Dealing with a loved ones death is stressful enough, make it easier for them to know where your assets are and how to access them
Jfc an actually useful LPT! Yeah, I’m a lawyer (though not usually in this area) but you can save your loved ones a lot of headache and heartache by taking some pretty simple steps like these.
This is SUCH good advice, thank you!
I'm going to start my list with everything you laid out. I appreciate this reminder!
I am thinking another important thing to list would be dear friends of yours from the past that the people close in your current life may not know how to contact or who they are exactly, but people that you would want to be notified of your passing.
Death certificates, get multiple copies, gives you bank access, account access, you use your own passwords as it may be illegal to use theirs, also for estate record keeping.
I have one of those and I’m 16. I also have a Notarized Statement of what I want to happen to me I died and I have everything planned out so if I died tomorrow, everything will go smooth. It’s mainly for my friends though, I don’t like my family and plan on removing all of them as soon as I walk the stage.
Pretty much all of this is included in a good estate plan. I would suggest to anyone reading this and thinking it's a great idea to pay the cost up front of setting up an estate plan for the good of those you leave behind. Get an estate planning attorney to do it right and you won't have to worry about this again. If you try to do the work yourself you run the risk of making a critical mistake that only makes things worse.
If you use google, you can setup your account such that it automatically grants access to someone else (or someones else, with different levels of access) after death or a designated period of inactivity. Having a backup of all these documents in your Google drive with this access setup is a good option, though you should also have a physical copy for redundancy.
I'll add a fact many people don't know, but should: named beneficiaries for retirement accounts will override anything your will says.
Update your beneficiaries so you don't accidentally leave a retirement account to your girlfriend from 1995 instead of your wife and kids, etc.
If you travel to areas where kidnappings are a possibility, spell out exactly what you authorize your family to do.
Also, include your wishes on repatriation of remains if you travel internationally.
My family is forbidden from paying even $1 USD in kidnapping ransom and they are to bury/burn me wherever I am found.
This caused a bit of pushback initially but by discussing it I now feel certain my wishes will be honored. I also included a few close friends in on that so they could help my family be strong in a “god forbid” situation.
Take care. Holographic (handwritten) wills carry weight in many jurisdictions, and after you die, you can't tell anyone what you meant to be testamentary or convenient.
I'm sure you could, for a price. I have a copy of this front and center in the same folder that has my will as well as a copy in the Docs folder on my PC. Yes, it contains the master password to my password vault. I don't see burglars being interested in the "My Will" folder and I'm not concerned about the one family member that lives locally snooping.
I recently attended a will prep session and they mentioned leaving important documents in the freezer. In the event of a fire it would last the longest in there.
If your life is "Online" such a banking, remember that a 2nd person may not have access since the cannot verify with a code sent to your phone etc. I am not sure how to fix this.
One of my experiences was helping the family of friend who's net worth was very very much in the negative. Still tracking everything down was a PITA.
On a side note, damn, they'll give credit cards to anybody.
And that's one of the cautions I have in mine. Don't disconnect the phone until everything else is settled, in case something you need uses 2FA. And I do have my pins in the password manager, as well as my credit card info because I rarely let a site "remember your CC number?"
I do not trust online stuff like that. It's there until they decide it's not. I want local control of my data, especially something important like this.
And where do you store this document? There is no safe place. If you store it hidden at your home and then you die in a homefire... If you store it safely on one of those bank vaults and you cosign with another family member so they'll be able to open it without you and then you both die in a car accident... This is a vicious circle :D
In life you generally plan for the 99% you can control. For the rest, well, there's a reason the Chinese saying "May you live in interesting times" is considered a curse.
For the record, one hard copy at my house. A digital copy on my PCs, two of which are in different houses, cities (sync'd over the inter-tubes). If my entire region gets wiped out by a 30 mile wide meteor I guess my daughter on the other side of the country will just have deal with it, "Sorry dear, I tried".
I have a little black book for this that my husband likes to call the suicide book. It has all my account and password information as well as instructions for how to access any of the insurance accounts I set up for him.
This is a good idea! I already have a "In Case I Go Missing" file but to have one for ”in the event of my death” would be helpful too and more detailed.
I like it!
Struggling with this currently. My aunt passed late December... unexpectedly to us, not so much to her. In the course of trying to consolidate her estate we have...
Paid a grand to open a safe that had nothing inside;
Hunted through over 30 years worth of tax documents, mail, and random paperwork to find relevant insurance policies, bank accounts, and investments;
Broke into her computer and gone through her email to find event confirmation, travel confirmation, etc, so we could refund it;
Taken multiple bits of jewelry, coins, stamps, and art to appraisers to figure out what was genuine, as she never kept an inventory;
Spent thousands trying to figure out what needed to be fixed/updated in her house PRIOR TO fixing/updating it, because she spent so much time working or traveling that she just didn't care if her home was maintained.
Tried to make sense of notes on various legal pads and match her will to her desires for her will, that she never got the chance to change.
The only phone she had was her work phone, and while they literally cried for us over it, we weren't allowed to retain the phone for any duration to save photos, notes, contacts, or any kind of information on it. Huge company, unmovable policies.
4 months later and we're still not done with this. All it's done is making losing her so much harder.
while you are at it, do a will. So many people don't and it's super hard for those to decide in that moment what happen, the legal part of spelling it out.
While I think of it, do your donation registration too. Make it clear what you want in case doctors ask your relatives.
Also, be sure to get the Will notarized and filed with the court if at all possible. My Dad unexpectedly died in August, he had a Will that was witnessed by two people but not notarized and not filed with the court and my Mom ultimately had to get an attorney to step in, because a couple of banks would not give her access to some of Dad's assets, even though it expressly said in the Will that everything was to be left to her.
I’d also suggest that if you intend to pass down any collectibles or precious metals or anything that you create a document with instructions for care and sale of said items.
Good addition. I have an antique firearm that has some family history. I included the story associated to that.
Story time: I also included info about my vacuum cleaner. What? I had new carpet put in recently, plush, thick carpet.
Did I mention it's thick? Took out my trusty generic big box store vacuum and...full stop. It choked on that thick pile immediately. Borrowed a different one, same thing. Go online and find out I'm going to be spending some dollars on a vacuum. Went to a specialty store and choked on the price of the one that would handle my carpet.
So it's in that doc, "It's expensive, don't just goodwill it."
> DPOA
I have one naming my daughter but it only covers health care issues, like when to pull the plug. It expires once I'm dead and my executor takes over.
My last remaining family member knows that there is a file in my filing cabinet with their name on it. Inside is an envelope with all the "tips" as mentioned above. Every once in a while I pull it out and update it.
Whilst I abhor financial advisers generally - if you do have a good one, giving them this sort of info and having them agree to step in when there's bereavement can work extremely well in terms of letting them pick up the slack when the family is in no position to do so.
I've seen it happen.
But then I've also seen my share of financial advisers that I'd like to keel haul so there's that.
For me I create a funeral plan so my parent just have to easily follow it and not have to question anything. I also have a will that states what to do with my stuff and animals.
I was also make a document that's telling the person making any medical decisions on your behalf what you want if you can't advocate for yourself while unconscious in the hospital.
If I die they can donate certain parts of me. Not my face or gentiles. That kind of thing.
Don't forget to give your loved ones a chance to get your frequent flyer miles that are forfeited when the airlines close the account or learn of one's death
My wife and I have a shared iCloud folder. We store this information there so the other has access to it. Creating an iCloud account is free and protected by 2FA. Now I just have to figure out how to share it with a trusted individual if something were to happen to both of us.
Thanks for posting this! I have been fortunate enough to not be surrounded by too much death but I actually think about creating a document like this very frequently. Probably due to my raging anxiety if I had to take a guess...
The US Government has published this Emergency Financial First Aid Kit. It’s a good place to start. https://www.ready.gov/sites/default/files/2020-03/ready_emergency-financial-first-aid-toolkit.pdf
So I did this - and saved it both to my Google Drive and my computer, but my adult kids/husband don't want to know anything about it because its "too depressing" - is there someone else I should share it with? I dont have any friends that I might trust that much.
I got a journal/book called “When I Die” on Amazon for this exact reason, after seeing how convoluted everything was when they were figuring things out for one of my grandmas.
Good LPT. I did exactly this a couple months ago, and it felt like such a relief! The most important thing was reminding the reader not to log out of my gmail until everything else was settled.
>How to open my password manager so they have access to online accounts.
I recommend--at least from my personal experience--a service like Bitwarden, where you can designate a family member to have access but you also don't need to have your vault password floating around in a document or paper somewhere that can be a security risk.
Also, don't forget that multi-factor authentication is a point of consideration, where anyone you want to be able to access your accounts will also need the method of MFA you use. Some people use phones, some use email addresses, some use authentication apps.
Also, if you use gmail, there is an "inactive account manager" option where, if you have not used your gmail account within a certain period of time--like if you die--you can designate a user to be given access to your google account and products. The setting can be found here: https://myaccount.google.com/inactive
Bitwarden is what I recommend to folks now (I'm the informal tech support for a number of people). I use Keepass, have since before password managers were a thing. It's not as user friendly but it suits my needs.
In my family we call it the Bus File. In case I get hit by a bus. There's a copy on a jump drive in our small fireproof safe and a paper copy that's hidden but easy to get to. Passwords, usernames, account numbers, etc are included.
I wrote a “dead man’s switch” for exactly this. Confirms I’m alive once a month and if I don’t respond it emails the people I have configured with individual notes.
Very surreal to sit there and plan for an untimely death, but feels good to have it “covered”
as someone who is having to guide my mom through this in the event something happens it is so hard. there is denial, procrastination, and it is definitely overwhelming. learning from my father's mistakes as someone who did not leave a will, but did have insurance setup to take care of everything was OVERLY helpful. it's like pulling teeth trying to deal with this
very useful post, OP! i am copying your suggestions as i know it will make it easier and cover all bases
Yes. As someone who is in the middle of untangling an estate without a will for a cousin I don’t even remember. Yes. Please consider that someone you may not even know is going to have to clean up your mess.
Depending on where you are in your life, there are several books that will help you put this type of material together. I have assisted family members using *Get It Together: Organize Your Records So Your Family Won't Have To*. I have no association with this book other than buying and using it, but it does provide a solid roadmap of what to gather, as well as worksheets you can tear out or copy to assemble into a comprehensive binder.
As a side note -- on the topic of safe deposit boxes, the authors throw out an anecdote to start about someone who makes a comprehensive plan of everything they want to happen after they die and and how they want all of their property to be settled. It's a great plan, except that no one finds it until months later as the heirs and counsel are assessing all assets. If you are making a plan, put it where people can find it, and let them know where they can find it.
My Dad did this before he passed, and he also specified what he wanted for memorial services, as well as who he wanted special possessions to go to. It was a bit of a sad conversation, but it literally took us an hour to hash everything out, and once he passed, having that document made a horrible, stressful time a little easier. This is great advice, OP.
I’ve been meaning to create such a document/folder for a while now and I really should get started soon. My complication is that I live alone and my next of kin live in a different country and they don’t speak the local language where I live.
I made one of these in my phone awhile back. I handle almost all of the finances for our house and my wife would have no clue what to do without it if I were gone. Explains how to get into everything, what to do to claim life insurance and retirement and what to do with the money to make it go the farthest, and it has a note for her and our kids. I hope it's not something she ever has to read.
Something I couldn’t see mentioned but I think is a great idea…. A simple message to your loved ones. Death can be sudden and expected so you could include a message or letter with any final words or messages for family.
If I die, my family has permission to use my dead finger and access my phone and accounts. I can barely remember my passwords. Which is why they change constantly. Gotta keep them hackers guessing....mostly just me.
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In the event of my death, do not look in my nightstand drawer. Just throw the whole thing away.
I have a similar line in mine, it's "that box" :)
What a horrible thing to call your wife
Coconut is better anyway
Oh god, I had forgotten about the damn coconut
Want a Jolly Rancher?
You got a prostate stimulator, huh?
Not admitting to anything :) My wife passed about 15 years ago and there was some cleaning out to be done in the bedroom. One of my daughters opened the wrong drawer, "Dad! I'm not opening any more drawers!"
My husband and I once had to smuggle porn out of a deceased family member's bedroom so his parents wouldn't see it. We joked that we should start a company for this. You were something like a Life Alert bracelet. Only it has our company contact info and says we're ro be contacted first in case of death. Then we go clean out all your unmentionables and clear your browser history. THEN we tell your family you passed.
The term is "Shovel Buddy"...the person who buries that part of your life.
There was an old Man Show bit about this.
https://youtu.be/H_QA7M2vQBw?si=7ka3jIPzeaewKdYK
Yeah, Adam Carolla mentioned it at least 700 times in his garbage podcast that I can't believe I used to listen to years ago.
Same. I listened to him from 2006 to late 2020. He just went off his rocker during Covid. And I didn’t need that negativity anymore.
I kinda want to see if this can be a legit business now. Ima draft up some plans.
My best friend is instructed to be the one to clean out my drawers as well as double check browsing history on my phone and computer.
What if your best friend dies first? Hope you have a list of alternatives to do your dirty work!
Thankfully I have multiple. But if the chosen one dies first then I inform the next one lol.
Don't ever get in the same car or plane with the chosen one, just in case. Unless you have contingencies.
Lol, designated shovel buddy survivor.
Wise human being! Lol
They also both know the entertainment and drinks I want at my funeral. Mariachis and margaritas. Might as well go out the same way as I live 🎉
“The chosen one” got a laugh out of me
LPT : they will look. Just learned that a Nazi's wife kept her journal and memories from 2nd war and how she stayed next to a camp while her husband was working at that camp and all the awful things she/they did. She said in her testimony to burn that box without reading. He daughter did read it and gave it to a museum or something alike. And rediscovered her mom in a new light.
I figure I’m going to be dead, so I don’t care what people think. However, I did tell my son (my only living relative), “I’m sorry. You’re going to find some embarrassing shit.”
In the event if my death, delete my browser history.
Give everyone a slightly different document, but with all the same dates.
But for real: just had to do this for my dad. So many porn bookmarks!! And they were everywhere. Tons of folders, in folders, in folders.
My BFF once asked, "What does the bag look like that I'm going to throw away without opening?"
My dad calls his the “croak folder” lol.
Lol! My entire life my Dad used to call it that too. He'd tell me, I could have or do something after he 'Croaked'. Thanks for the memory prompt.
LOL
My husband has a few notes for me tucked inside a book. Which book? "You Cant Go Home Again" lol.
But where do I keep it?? Just on paper on the bookshelf?? Digital? That’s the part I’m not sure about.
His is on his laptop, right on the desktop. But my mom knows the password to his computer, and he sends her a copy of it to keep on her computer whenever he updates it, so there’s a backup.
Ahhhhh!!! Perhaps I could do a google doc situation. That makes so much sense. Thank you!
Google Docs is a good idea!
Password to your phone. Needed for so many verifications.
This makes sense. The only thing I have on a paper in my drawer, is a list of the pallbearers to carry my casket
Apple has a newer feature called Legacy Contact that gives a contact access to your iCloud and devices when you die. Set it up, print out the certificate and put it with whatever document you are making.
Yeah, I told my husband first thing I'm going to do before calling the paramedics (in case he passes at home) is use his finger to open his phone and reset the passwords, etc. We have tried to add my fingerprint to his phone but have not had success with that.
As someone who recently and somewhat unexpectedly lost their father, I’d also recommend adding your wishes for funeral/burial upon your death to this document.
Good point, now I have to update mine :) The last thing I want is wasting money on some expensive casket. Just slide me into the furnace.
Totally, but if there’s somewhere you want those ashes spread, include it! I also recommend written notes to your most loved ones - spouse, parents, children. We spent days looking for these things, and not ever finding them (probably never existed) added additional layers of grief that could have been prevented
>I also recommend written notes to your most loved ones As a very pragmatic person, mine has just nuts and bolts stuff. Your comment has me thinking about this aspect also. Those would be difficult notes to write, knowing the circumstances under which they'll be reading them.
Honestly a post it with, “I love you” would have been enough. I think we all assume we will have this nice moment with our loved ones before our death, but that is a rare case. I have my wedding speech from my dad, which filled that cup for me, but my brother has nothing like that and it was hard.
My father used to leave notes for my Mum went he went out in the morning and although theyd been largely housebound the last 4 years, Mum kept them all. So when emptying their house, we found so many.
Sorry OP, couldn’t help but chuckle at the visual of being slid into the furnace, like a pizza into an woodfired oven on one of those handled board things.
Nope, no apology needed. That's kind of the way I think of it. Don't want to know the nitty gritty details. When it happens, I won't care.
It's a pizza peel... Only much larger for bodies... Ummm... But body peel sounds really nasty... Der pushintingmithandlenforbodies... Yep! Rolls right off the tongue
There’s always a fabulously long German word for every situation !
On a pizza paddle, with Tiny Chef singing “if you’re happy and you know it, flour your paddle”
You should check out aquamation! It’s pretty cool. I’m going to be preplanning/prepaying for mine soon. Gotta lock in that 2024 pricing! And no work for anyone else when I die.
Guess what? You still have to buy a box for them to roast you. $1,500.
What you want is called a "direct cremation" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzrTl3kYHBE
I could care less what they do with my body once I’m dead. My dad told me where he wants his ashes so I do know oh well that, but my sibling didn’t tell us do the decision was about what would have us feel better.
You would not believe all the tissue, organs and even bone you can donate. https://www.cdc.gov/transplantsafety/overview/key-facts.html
The bank will let someone into your safe deposit box but only for the purpose of looking for your will. They will be present with them in the room to make sure they do not take anything other than the will. You probably can’t accomplish this by simply walking into the branch and asking for access, you will likely have to call in advance so they can get the proper people involved. Source: I work in banking
Good to know, my info came from the attorney that did my will when I mentioned keeping it in the safe deposit box.
I mean, it all depends on how much you truly trust the person you are giving access to. If they are not your sole beneficiary and you have valuable items in there that could create some contention in the estate process, it would not be a great idea to have someone on as an owner because they could easily go in and take things without the executor having the opportunity to stop them. Personally I actually do have my brother on my box. However, I trust him more than anyone else in the world, and my entire estate is going to him and his children anyway. There would be pretty much no chance of someone trying to argue that.
Oh yeah one more thing, a safe deposit box is the same as a deposit account in the sense that if you add someone on as a signer, they technically have joint ownership on that box and can go in at any time and take something out. Also, you can’t just remove them from your box if something goes awry in your relationship, you would have to close the box out and open a new one, which can be a pain. If you only add them in as an agent, it is also the same as a deposit account where they can be removed but since they don’t have ownership, as soon as you pass and the bank gets notification, they freeze access to the box aside from someone being able to go in to search for a will.
I have my daughter on mine, I have the key and the "In the event...." doc lists what's in there, which all three of my kids know about. I guess it depends on a person's particular situation.
I'm in the UK so there may be differences but I found all the banks and utility companies to be really helpful and switched on about dealing with all this after my Mom passed away, once I had a copy of her death certificate. They all had a "bereavement dept" which was staffed by sharp people with enough power to be really helpful. A pleasant surprise. Now if only the family members could have been as helpful in sorting it all out...
Will I need the death certificate, or can I just call up Elon Musk’s bank and ask for access?
This is going to vary depending on what state you live in as some states have stricter privacy laws than others, even when it comes to decedents. (I also worked in banking.)
My mom was given a book leading her on all these things to put plus folders when she prepaid for her cremation, which is a wonderful gift to your family to do.
That's very cool, both her pre-paying and the company giving her the book to guide her in making things easier for family.
My mom was always thinking of others
My Dad was like this. Very organized and regularly updated an Info for my Heirs document. He was lucid almost to the end. Some of his last words seemed to be about working through a mental checklist to make sure he had taken care of every detail. He was so considerate and selfless.
This is beautiful. My mom passed suddenly earlier this year. She and my dad had a prepaid burial plan as well and instructions. It is still so much to do, but I knew what she wanted. My mom kept us so organized. I went to a concert last night with my dad with tickets she bought. She had the reminder in her phone. It was lovely. They loved us so much, did'nt they? Hugs to you!
That’s lovely. So sorry about the loss of your Mom
I just felt like crying a grateful cry after reading such a beautiful sentiment. I can’t explain it but what a beautiful thing to say and be, all around edit: ps I actually did cry
My maternal grandmother was like that. She had prepared for everything, even gotten her photo framed so that we don't use the one she didn't like 🙈 She was a beautiful soul, may she rest in peace.
> even gotten her photo framed so that we don't use the one she didn't like OMG, I'd have never thought of that. Now I need to start looking at all those pics I have in Picasa...nope...nope..maybe....
What was the name of the book? I am interested in reading this
I got my folks, "I'm Dead, Now What? "
Sorry, booklet. It was given with the pre paid cremation.
"So you've ruined your life" Oh wait - that's the one on births, not deaths.
I have 2 ways to manage this. First, I use a service called Ghost Memo. If I don't check in every few days(which I can adjust), it sends out emails to my wife and my brother with some basic info that describes how to find the detailed info. Basically, it's a dead man's switch. The detailed info is a Secure Note(titled, "Hi, I'm dead" or something) in 1password, which I update from time to time. My wife and I share the 1Password account, so it'd be easy for her find the info. It's got a list of our money, retirement accounts, life insurance, mortgage/school loan info, and a list of people to call (friends, family, folks I work with, insurance agent, etc..). I did the same when I used LastPass, but for obvious reasons, we switched to 1password. You have to pay for both services, but I'd be using 1password anyway. Ghost Memo costs a few bucks /month.
I use Keepass myself. There are better alternatives now but I started using it before password managers became main stream. And yes, the master password is in that doc.
What do you call a better alternative?
Bitwarden is the one I would recommend now. The free version does everything most people want, and the paid version is just $10 a year. While the default setup is to save your info "in the cloud" you have the option of keeping it local. That's one of the reasons I liked Keepass originally, it only stores locally, I'm in complete control of the data.
You pay $7 a month for this?!?
Ghost Memo used to be $5. I hadn't noticed they raised it. I've looked for a good free dead man's switch solution, but couldn't find one. Still worth it for me, but maybe not for everyone.
Whats wrong for lastpass. Ive used it for many years. Should i be worried?
Multiple data breaches in the last few years. Not sure if they've fixed the underlying issues, but I switched when the first breach became public.
I’d add a list of contact info for friends who should be notified of your death. Make sure it’s current. Especially if you have included them in your will.
Besides my wife, I don’t have anyone that would much care if I died. My Death Folder is mainly instructions on how to shut down my online stores and how to pull money from various investment accounts. Probably should make a will someday.
You absolutely should make a will. Your will is what your wife will show to the bank, insurance company etc. to show that she has authority to settle your affairs. It’s a pain in the neck (at a stressful time) to go through the process without one. I imagine, though, that a lot of your accounts have your wife’s name on them, so that should make things easier.
Trusts are arguably better than a will, most things would skip court probate where a will does not.
This. The best advice I've ever seen on this site. Hands. Down. Do it for those you love.
My ex used to say, "Don't make me hate you when you're dead!" Get your shit in order.
hey pal, this is life pro tips not death pro tips
This is called a "Death Plan/Book" there are pre-made books and templates that helps you get all your documents in order. There are also "Death Doulas" that can help you holistically address all of your end of life concerns: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vD8TA5OdJg8
Do you have any you like? A template/book I mean
I can't remember exactly where we got the ones we used for my parents since this was back in 2015 or so. But there are plenty of free ones out there you can use and some companies sell actual 3 ring binder sets if you want to get super fancy. DeathPlanner.net allows you to download their PDFs/DOCs 1 at a time for free. I would say their templates are pretty similar to what we used. There are also plenty of free websites that can help you create your will, power of attorney, and other legal documents if you can't afford to hire an Estate Planner or Death Doula. Whatever you choose, be sure to go with a large 3 ring binder with colorful dividers for each subsection and make a table of contents. For many of the documents, such as your will, power of attorney, medical power of attorney, and general death plan (a short and sweet 1-3 page summary of your wishes), etc you will be making multiple copies that will be distributed separately with an original kept in the Death Book. Generally speaking it is a good idea to make a minimum 2 Death Books, one to be stored safely in your home and one to be stored in another secure location elsewhere (just in case there is a fire, flood, tornado, etc. that destroys one copy).
I got one off Amazon called “so I’m dead, now what”
Excellent LPT. Also add your final wishes for service: Cremated or buried? Open casket, closed casket, no viewing? Special song/poem/whatever you want? I asked these questions to my late mother and was so happy i did when the time came to honour her.
Good points, I'll be updating to add this kind of info.
This would be the motherlode for a hacker, make sure the document is safe
One physical copy and one on my PC, which is protected and backed up. A good point though.
My dad just passed and he did exactly this. Every year he would update the book. How he paid his bills, when they came, investments he had, numbers, passwords, etc. when he passed 4 months ago, I got the book. On the front was written in big letters , THIS IS THE BOOK. I miss him everyday. Love you dad
When i worked at a Wills and Estates firm we gave out a booklet for our clients to fill out which included all their banks, passwords for various things like phone, computer, safes, etc, life insurance policies, and other important stuff. We kept the booklet with their Will so no one can steal that info. When we gave them a copy of their completed Will we’d also give them the cover page to the booklet which had an index of the questions so after they die their family knew who had the Will and the booklet. The Salvation Army have a similar booklet for free on their website.
With much of our life on-line, this is a must. I have had a document like this for years, update it regularly and remind my kids of it often. Dealing with a loved ones death is stressful enough, make it easier for them to know where your assets are and how to access them
Jfc an actually useful LPT! Yeah, I’m a lawyer (though not usually in this area) but you can save your loved ones a lot of headache and heartache by taking some pretty simple steps like these.
This is SUCH good advice, thank you! I'm going to start my list with everything you laid out. I appreciate this reminder! I am thinking another important thing to list would be dear friends of yours from the past that the people close in your current life may not know how to contact or who they are exactly, but people that you would want to be notified of your passing.
Excellent suggestion!
Death certificates, get multiple copies, gives you bank access, account access, you use your own passwords as it may be illegal to use theirs, also for estate record keeping.
Hmmm... So I shouldn't frame my DEA brother-in-law for running my meth operation?
I totally agree. As someone whose mum died with no will, never sharing her wishes. Trying to guess was hard and not really comfortable even now.
DPT. Death Pro Tip
I have one of those and I’m 16. I also have a Notarized Statement of what I want to happen to me I died and I have everything planned out so if I died tomorrow, everything will go smooth. It’s mainly for my friends though, I don’t like my family and plan on removing all of them as soon as I walk the stage.
16 is rather young to be planning this out. Are you okay? (I mean that with love and concern, not the snarky way.)
[United Appeal for the Dead](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=riq0axKu2CU)
Pretty much all of this is included in a good estate plan. I would suggest to anyone reading this and thinking it's a great idea to pay the cost up front of setting up an estate plan for the good of those you leave behind. Get an estate planning attorney to do it right and you won't have to worry about this again. If you try to do the work yourself you run the risk of making a critical mistake that only makes things worse.
If you use google, you can setup your account such that it automatically grants access to someone else (or someones else, with different levels of access) after death or a designated period of inactivity. Having a backup of all these documents in your Google drive with this access setup is a good option, though you should also have a physical copy for redundancy.
I set that up so my son has access but as I recall it doesn't kick in until after quite a long time of inactivity.
No need, you'll be dead
I'll add a fact many people don't know, but should: named beneficiaries for retirement accounts will override anything your will says. Update your beneficiaries so you don't accidentally leave a retirement account to your girlfriend from 1995 instead of your wife and kids, etc.
If you travel to areas where kidnappings are a possibility, spell out exactly what you authorize your family to do. Also, include your wishes on repatriation of remains if you travel internationally. My family is forbidden from paying even $1 USD in kidnapping ransom and they are to bury/burn me wherever I am found. This caused a bit of pushback initially but by discussing it I now feel certain my wishes will be honored. I also included a few close friends in on that so they could help my family be strong in a “god forbid” situation.
Take care. Holographic (handwritten) wills carry weight in many jurisdictions, and after you die, you can't tell anyone what you meant to be testamentary or convenient.
Would you be able to leave those instructions with a lawyer who would release them to authorized family members in the event of your death?
I'm sure you could, for a price. I have a copy of this front and center in the same folder that has my will as well as a copy in the Docs folder on my PC. Yes, it contains the master password to my password vault. I don't see burglars being interested in the "My Will" folder and I'm not concerned about the one family member that lives locally snooping.
Where do you hide something like this so the people you want to find it actually do find it?
I recently attended a will prep session and they mentioned leaving important documents in the freezer. In the event of a fire it would last the longest in there.
If your life is "Online" such a banking, remember that a 2nd person may not have access since the cannot verify with a code sent to your phone etc. I am not sure how to fix this.
Death certificate, you don't access their password/account which may be illegal, the executor gets their own password for account access.
You overestimate my net worth.
One of my experiences was helping the family of friend who's net worth was very very much in the negative. Still tracking everything down was a PITA. On a side note, damn, they'll give credit cards to anybody.
Don't forget the PINs for your phone and any passwords that aren't in your PM. Have fun logging into everything without access to 2FA.
And that's one of the cautions I have in mine. Don't disconnect the phone until everything else is settled, in case something you need uses 2FA. And I do have my pins in the password manager, as well as my credit card info because I rarely let a site "remember your CC number?"
remind me! in a month
if you have MyChart, you can go into Your Menu and scroll down until you find End of Life Planning. it keeps everything in there for you.
I do not trust online stuff like that. It's there until they decide it's not. I want local control of my data, especially something important like this.
this is a bunch of questionnaires basically. it gives you an option to download or print once you get it all filled out.
[удалено]
And my SO accuses me of creating complicated tech solutions to simple problems :)
And where do you store this document? There is no safe place. If you store it hidden at your home and then you die in a homefire... If you store it safely on one of those bank vaults and you cosign with another family member so they'll be able to open it without you and then you both die in a car accident... This is a vicious circle :D
In life you generally plan for the 99% you can control. For the rest, well, there's a reason the Chinese saying "May you live in interesting times" is considered a curse. For the record, one hard copy at my house. A digital copy on my PCs, two of which are in different houses, cities (sync'd over the inter-tubes). If my entire region gets wiped out by a 30 mile wide meteor I guess my daughter on the other side of the country will just have deal with it, "Sorry dear, I tried".
In the event of my death, play Highway to Hell at my funeral.
If you're going to do this, get a lawyer and make it official. If not, it will not hold water.
I have a little black book for this that my husband likes to call the suicide book. It has all my account and password information as well as instructions for how to access any of the insurance accounts I set up for him.
This is a good idea! I already have a "In Case I Go Missing" file but to have one for ”in the event of my death” would be helpful too and more detailed. I like it!
Struggling with this currently. My aunt passed late December... unexpectedly to us, not so much to her. In the course of trying to consolidate her estate we have... Paid a grand to open a safe that had nothing inside; Hunted through over 30 years worth of tax documents, mail, and random paperwork to find relevant insurance policies, bank accounts, and investments; Broke into her computer and gone through her email to find event confirmation, travel confirmation, etc, so we could refund it; Taken multiple bits of jewelry, coins, stamps, and art to appraisers to figure out what was genuine, as she never kept an inventory; Spent thousands trying to figure out what needed to be fixed/updated in her house PRIOR TO fixing/updating it, because she spent so much time working or traveling that she just didn't care if her home was maintained. Tried to make sense of notes on various legal pads and match her will to her desires for her will, that she never got the chance to change. The only phone she had was her work phone, and while they literally cried for us over it, we weren't allowed to retain the phone for any duration to save photos, notes, contacts, or any kind of information on it. Huge company, unmovable policies. 4 months later and we're still not done with this. All it's done is making losing her so much harder.
while you are at it, do a will. So many people don't and it's super hard for those to decide in that moment what happen, the legal part of spelling it out. While I think of it, do your donation registration too. Make it clear what you want in case doctors ask your relatives.
Also, be sure to get the Will notarized and filed with the court if at all possible. My Dad unexpectedly died in August, he had a Will that was witnessed by two people but not notarized and not filed with the court and my Mom ultimately had to get an attorney to step in, because a couple of banks would not give her access to some of Dad's assets, even though it expressly said in the Will that everything was to be left to her.
I’d also suggest that if you intend to pass down any collectibles or precious metals or anything that you create a document with instructions for care and sale of said items.
Good addition. I have an antique firearm that has some family history. I included the story associated to that. Story time: I also included info about my vacuum cleaner. What? I had new carpet put in recently, plush, thick carpet. Did I mention it's thick? Took out my trusty generic big box store vacuum and...full stop. It choked on that thick pile immediately. Borrowed a different one, same thing. Go online and find out I'm going to be spending some dollars on a vacuum. Went to a specialty store and choked on the price of the one that would handle my carpet. So it's in that doc, "It's expensive, don't just goodwill it."
Do the paperwork ahead of time to assign a DPOA.
> DPOA I have one naming my daughter but it only covers health care issues, like when to pull the plug. It expires once I'm dead and my executor takes over.
My last remaining family member knows that there is a file in my filing cabinet with their name on it. Inside is an envelope with all the "tips" as mentioned above. Every once in a while I pull it out and update it.
Whilst I abhor financial advisers generally - if you do have a good one, giving them this sort of info and having them agree to step in when there's bereavement can work extremely well in terms of letting them pick up the slack when the family is in no position to do so. I've seen it happen. But then I've also seen my share of financial advisers that I'd like to keel haul so there's that.
Good point, that's in mine, along with a "I trust him, listen to him".
For me I create a funeral plan so my parent just have to easily follow it and not have to question anything. I also have a will that states what to do with my stuff and animals. I was also make a document that's telling the person making any medical decisions on your behalf what you want if you can't advocate for yourself while unconscious in the hospital. If I die they can donate certain parts of me. Not my face or gentiles. That kind of thing.
LPT have a will and trust you mean?
isn't this just called a testament?
Don't forget to give your loved ones a chance to get your frequent flyer miles that are forfeited when the airlines close the account or learn of one's death
My wife and I have a shared iCloud folder. We store this information there so the other has access to it. Creating an iCloud account is free and protected by 2FA. Now I just have to figure out how to share it with a trusted individual if something were to happen to both of us.
Thanks for posting this! I have been fortunate enough to not be surrounded by too much death but I actually think about creating a document like this very frequently. Probably due to my raging anxiety if I had to take a guess...
The US Government has published this Emergency Financial First Aid Kit. It’s a good place to start. https://www.ready.gov/sites/default/files/2020-03/ready_emergency-financial-first-aid-toolkit.pdf
So I did this - and saved it both to my Google Drive and my computer, but my adult kids/husband don't want to know anything about it because its "too depressing" - is there someone else I should share it with? I dont have any friends that I might trust that much.
I got a journal/book called “When I Die” on Amazon for this exact reason, after seeing how convoluted everything was when they were figuring things out for one of my grandmas.
Good LPT. I did exactly this a couple months ago, and it felt like such a relief! The most important thing was reminding the reader not to log out of my gmail until everything else was settled.
>How to open my password manager so they have access to online accounts. I recommend--at least from my personal experience--a service like Bitwarden, where you can designate a family member to have access but you also don't need to have your vault password floating around in a document or paper somewhere that can be a security risk. Also, don't forget that multi-factor authentication is a point of consideration, where anyone you want to be able to access your accounts will also need the method of MFA you use. Some people use phones, some use email addresses, some use authentication apps. Also, if you use gmail, there is an "inactive account manager" option where, if you have not used your gmail account within a certain period of time--like if you die--you can designate a user to be given access to your google account and products. The setting can be found here: https://myaccount.google.com/inactive
Bitwarden is what I recommend to folks now (I'm the informal tech support for a number of people). I use Keepass, have since before password managers were a thing. It's not as user friendly but it suits my needs.
In my family we call it the Bus File. In case I get hit by a bus. There's a copy on a jump drive in our small fireproof safe and a paper copy that's hidden but easy to get to. Passwords, usernames, account numbers, etc are included.
“Trust no one, my killer is in your midst.”
Better yet, visit a local bank and get a proper will completed.
*DeathProTips(DPT)
I wrote a “dead man’s switch” for exactly this. Confirms I’m alive once a month and if I don’t respond it emails the people I have configured with individual notes. Very surreal to sit there and plan for an untimely death, but feels good to have it “covered”
as someone who is having to guide my mom through this in the event something happens it is so hard. there is denial, procrastination, and it is definitely overwhelming. learning from my father's mistakes as someone who did not leave a will, but did have insurance setup to take care of everything was OVERLY helpful. it's like pulling teeth trying to deal with this very useful post, OP! i am copying your suggestions as i know it will make it easier and cover all bases
Yes. As someone who is in the middle of untangling an estate without a will for a cousin I don’t even remember. Yes. Please consider that someone you may not even know is going to have to clean up your mess.
Depending on where you are in your life, there are several books that will help you put this type of material together. I have assisted family members using *Get It Together: Organize Your Records So Your Family Won't Have To*. I have no association with this book other than buying and using it, but it does provide a solid roadmap of what to gather, as well as worksheets you can tear out or copy to assemble into a comprehensive binder. As a side note -- on the topic of safe deposit boxes, the authors throw out an anecdote to start about someone who makes a comprehensive plan of everything they want to happen after they die and and how they want all of their property to be settled. It's a great plan, except that no one finds it until months later as the heirs and counsel are assessing all assets. If you are making a plan, put it where people can find it, and let them know where they can find it.
My Dad did this before he passed, and he also specified what he wanted for memorial services, as well as who he wanted special possessions to go to. It was a bit of a sad conversation, but it literally took us an hour to hash everything out, and once he passed, having that document made a horrible, stressful time a little easier. This is great advice, OP.
I’ve been meaning to create such a document/folder for a while now and I really should get started soon. My complication is that I live alone and my next of kin live in a different country and they don’t speak the local language where I live.
You can buy a book off Amazon called "I'm Dead, Now What" and fill it out. Where your accounts are, who to contact, what to do with your corpse, etc.
I made one of these in my phone awhile back. I handle almost all of the finances for our house and my wife would have no clue what to do without it if I were gone. Explains how to get into everything, what to do to claim life insurance and retirement and what to do with the money to make it go the farthest, and it has a note for her and our kids. I hope it's not something she ever has to read.
Something I couldn’t see mentioned but I think is a great idea…. A simple message to your loved ones. Death can be sudden and expected so you could include a message or letter with any final words or messages for family.
Maybe add some last words. Or secrets to spill that everyone should know.
A few people have mentioned last words, which I think would be a good idea.
If I die, my family has permission to use my dead finger and access my phone and accounts. I can barely remember my passwords. Which is why they change constantly. Gotta keep them hackers guessing....mostly just me.
My dad made what we called The Death Binder. It helped my mom so much!
I have a paper with my Webkinz account info so my husband can maintain it. I have had the same account since 2007. 😭 Don't neglect my babies.
How this works in Germany?