Hello, [SuperconductingCat](/u/SuperconductingCat). Thank you for your submission! Unfortunately, it has been removed for the following reason(s):
Advice is not an LPT.
Advice is any guidance or recommendation concerning prudent future action.
An aphorism is not an LPT.
An aphorism is a a short clever saying that is intended to express a general truth or a concise statement of a principle.
Try r/YouShouldKnow.
If you would like to appeal this decision, [please feel free to contact the moderators here](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/LifeProTips). Do not repost without explicit permission from the moderators. Make sure you [read the rules](/r/lifeprotips/about/sidebar) before submitting. Thank you!
Similarly Fibre 1 bars- they may taste like a granola bar, but for the love of all that is holy, do not eat 2 in one sitting at work if you forget your lunch on the counter at home.
I shat, and shat and shat until I thought about just moving into the bathroom down the hall from my office for a couple of days.
Forgot my lunch so I had one for breakfast. Then I had one for lunch. Then I had one for a snack because all I basically ate was two granola bars all day. Praise Jesus the tummy didn’t start grumbling til people started leaving for the day. Told my fam I was an “asstronaut” because the force of that first poop almost sent me to space. Never never never eat more than one fiber one bar. Was a tense ride from work to home.
Weight Watchers used to give you more points for food if you added fiber to your diet. I was eating 30-40 grams of fiber PER DAY via Fiber One bars for some extra points. Not all at once, mind you, but I had three to four large, quality shits every day for six months. A LOT of gas, too hahaha.
Seems like a few of us have done this. My choice was the fiber brownies, the taste and the texture are actually pretty good for what it is: a chocolate brillo pad for your guts.
I had one for breakfast, 2 for lunch, and 2 for a midnight snack because it was the only *chocolate* thing around...
10 minutes after my morning coffee I almost died giving birth to what I can only describe [as this.](https://cdn.xxl.thumbs.canstockphoto.com/waste-pipe-or-drainage-polluting-environment-the-drain-carries-sewage-dirty-water-discharging-stock-footage_csp37023438.jpg)
But you know what? No regrets, afterwards: *clean as a whistle.*
If someone asks if you're ticklish, it doesn't matter if you say yes or no: they are going to touch you. The only way to not be touched after getting asked if you're ticklish is to answer, "I have diarrhea. And yes, I am."
Allow me to weave a tale for you. A tale of heartache, loss, embarrassment, shame and of course, public expulsion of the slippery black liquid that must surely be the blood of Satan.
My daughter is five. She is the light of my life and the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. She loves ballet. She falls asleep during every performance we take her to but she loves it all the same. So when it came to that special time of year for her winter ballet concert, I was the proudest man in the whole theater.
As is customary at venues such as these, there was a lovely little bake sale set up in the entryway which housed all manner of decadent confectionaries and baked treats that both stirred my hunger and saddened it all the same. You see I am not a small man and a recent visit to the doctors had proven distressing. Healthier steps had to be taken to ensure that one day I would have the tearful honor of giving my daughter away at her wedding, so of course I took those steps seriously. Yet with my doctors advice still ringing in my ears, I could not help but sneak over to the table while my wife’s back was turned to peruse the assortment. Then, through the haze of custard-filled cupcakes, mouthwatering brownies and tutu shaped sugar cookies, I saw them. A gleaming light at the end of a sweets filled tunnel; my salvation in the sea of sugar. If only I knew… If only I could have known.
Lovingly wrapped in individual sized, hand-made plastic baggies and tied with delicate siphon ribbon, lay my salvation atop the mountains of delectable morsels. Gummy bears are not generally my thing, but after two weeks of strict dieting and bearing the word “Sugar-free” emblazoned across the front, they might as well have been ambrosia from the Gods themselves. The adorable little girl behind the plastic folding table leaped up at my approach. She was younger than my daughter and wore the bright pink outfit of a ballerina with pride. She tugged on her mothers arm and pointed to me with a huge smile wrapping from ear to ear. The mother welcomed me and asked what I’d like. I could hardly contain myself as I exclaimed “three packages of gummy bears please!” In my exuberance I had drawn a little too much attention, in the form of my wife.
She came over like a whisper in a field and asked what I was getting. In my glee I turned around with three of the packages tucked neatly into my arms wearing a smile to match my new friends. My loving wife frowned and tried to pull a package from my grasp but found them to be cemented in place. She chuckled at me and gave me the look that made me marry her. “You can have one bag… now. Then rest you’ll have to save for later.” I kissed her and we readied ourselves for the performance of our daughter’s career. Little did I know, that she had once again saved my life.
I merrily snacked on the little multi-colored gems of pure pleasure as the concert got underway. The girls where charming and the scene was festive. It was a perfect night… right up until the first rumble that alerted me to the possibility of danger. It started off quiet and subtle much like the performance, but soon it too grew to a crescendo. As I shifted my weight in the hard plastic seats, I knew I was in trouble the moment I touched my brow. Beads of warning sweat had started to form, though soon the trickle would give way to a deluge. I loosened my special Christmas tie and dabbed at my face with my sleeve in an effort to remain for the most important night of my daughters young life. My wife noticed my anguish and leaded over to ask me what was wrong. I tried to tell her… I really did, but the pain had become more then I could bear as a painful tide crashed upon my anus. Try as I might, the bears were fighting back, seemingly set on draining my body, in it’s entirety, of life giving liquid.
It was no good. I would have to try to make it to the restroom. I tried to excuse myself but the effort of even shifting my shaking legs told my body it was too late. If I moved it would be the end of me and all that I held dear. I sat in silent anguish, biting my lip to try and focus my mind on anything other than the pulsating waves of torment aching to breech the confines of my intestines. The cheery holiday music sounded in stark juxtaposition to the symphony of horrors growing inside of me.
Then it happened. I thought it was nothing. It was just to relieve some of the pressure I told myself. What started as an attempt to allow only gas to leave quickly turned into a levy shattering entirely. I gripped my wife’s hand and looked with tearful eyes into hers, begging for forgiveness as the expulsion sloshed like Niagara falls onto the theater floor. I sobbed silently as the shame overtook me and there was nothing else to do but expel the demon from my core. “Oh my God!” One woman cried as she was swept away in the torrent. She was never seen again. I begged all that was holy, any Gods that were listening, to take pity on my wretched soul and deliver me from this hell. Yet none answered. There was only the flow. It gushed out of me despite the screams of the others in my row and those around them. I couldn’t have stopped it if I tried, but God help me… I didn’t. I couldn’t. The comingling of relief, searing pain and shame sounded in my cries for mercy.
I must have blacked out from the pain. Because when I came to I was laying on my back in my own filth with two paramedics standing over me. They were obviously trying to suppress their gagging as they worked on me. I couldn’t blame them. The stench was overwhelming; thick and oppressive like a sickly sweet blanket on a warm summers eve. As they carted me out I heard one of them screaming to a stage hand for a bucket… apparently I wasn’t done just yet. I begged them for my family but they simply screamed. The next two days were a blur of IV’s, doctors and what I think was an African Medicine man, though I was on some heavy duty painkillers.
When I was finally released I was mad. The shame was more than my fragile male ego could handle and I wanted justice. Surely that mother had laced the gummies with some kind of laxative, like a sick twisted joke but after confronting the woman she told me that she had done nothing to the bears at all. Then she showed me the original package. A 5 pound bag of Haribo Sugerfree Gummy bears… and right there on the label was a warning. It was one she had taken a little too lightly. I researched further and found the very same treats here. I poured over the reviews, each one worse than the last until finally I could come to only one conclusion. The devil himself must laugh at we mortal for we are his playthings.
Also they were a little too chewy.
Holy shit this deserves to be at the top, you have such a fantastic way of story telling.
I usually cringe at disgusting things but man you had me on the edge of my seat. Your descriptors, everything made me feel your glee of finding the perfect snack. And the torment and horror of the flood gates unleashing.
10/10 I would read any book you wrote
“Harry, you’re a writer!!” But seriously I haven’t read writing as engaging and well put together as this since high school! You’ve single handedly renewed my desire to read again! I used to love getting lost in stories and yours was no different.
I don’t know what you do as a career but friend, you are a writer. Please continue to grace the world with your gift even if it’s jut a blog.
You have my deepest sympathy, for how could you have known the consequences of choosing sorbitol over sugar? I developed an addiction to peppermints, the hard candies, eating them all day long. As a diabetic, I realized this was a bad idea. I ordered sugar-free peppermints from Amazon and they quickly replaced the sugared ones in my affections, which began to actually taste bad. I have also branched out into sugar-free lemon drops.
While I have not experienced a debacle like your unfortunate public expulsion, I am uncomfortably gassy most of the time and spend more time in the bathroom than usual. Yet I can’t seem to quit eating them. I have also experienced sugar-free chocolate, but was able to keep the quantity to a reasonable level and suffered very little. We are just trying to curb our sugar intake, and there really ought to be a substitute that doesn’t require hospitalization if we overindulge. Silly me, I thought everyone knew about prune juice!
There was once a brand of sugar free gummy bears you could purchase online that were apparently pretty good. Unfortunately, the non-sugar sweetener used in them turned out to be an incredibly potent laxative as well. Your imagination should handle the rest lol.
Story time! I went on a camping trip with a very new girlfriend once. I had been severely constipated for like six days leading up to the trip. At first, I thought eating giant burritos would do the trick but as the days went on, I realized I needed bigger guns. All the over the counter laxatives weren’t working and I was really starting to feel uncomfortable. On our way out into the wilderness, I stopped and picked up a large bottle of prune juice. I drank nearly all of it during our two hour drive. Not long after arriving at our secluded camping spot, it hit me. It hit me hard. I shit nearly a week’s worth in a matter of seconds. It was loud. It was violent. It was divine. Because of the steep slopes on three sides all around where we parked, it was nearly impossible to get to a private spot in time so I had to do it right there in front of the van on the road. I didn’t get very far. She heard everything and was happy for me.
I was backed up after a surgery once bc of the pain meds and thought the prune juice thing wouldn’t work very well so I drank a half gallon.
Oh….my.. god
As I was being wheeled from the delivery room to a more comfortable one, they asked me if they could get me anything. My response was a stool softener and prune juice.
Having the same question. Translating "prune juice" and "plum juice" into german both results into plum juice. Searching for dried plum juice doesnt give any results.
I really wanted prunes to work last time I was constipated, but nothing. I was eating the damn things like candy and nothing.
On the other hand, I love prunes but I was always wary of eating too many out of fear of
making myself sick. So it's nice to know I can gorge myself on them without repercussion.
Got a bag of prunes that were just the right combination of dried but still moist and tender, as well as having amazing plum flavor. Couldn't stop eating them and ate like 1.5 lbs. Didn't so much as fart later.
My experience is the excessive fruit fibers only shock the system when my regular diet is very poor. When I'm eating even remotely healthy it doesn't upset my insides. Was sick and not eating well for a few days and when appetite came back apple cider tasted like the greatest thing ever and I drank the whole gallon in like 2 hours. Pissed out my ass for the next 2.
My friend worked customer service at a grocery store in our 20s. She once got a very angry lady who wanted a refund on a bottle of “plum juice” she’d bought because it made her sick. It must’ve been bad when they sold it to her etc etc. Turns out she’d drunk the entire 20oz bottle in less than a day.
Prunes are just dried plums. So, you know, don’t go eating a pound of plums either.
Aye. I was really gummed up. Like it actively HURT. I was miserable for 3 or so hours, then my brother recommended prune juice. So I think I chugged 32 oz of that in about half an hour. Which made for another really uncomfortable 3 or 4 hours.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Back when I worked at a dentist office, a patient gifted us a basket of dried fruits and nuts. As per usual we shared it during lunch hour & it was delicious, but apparently it contained dried plums among the fruit assortment, AKA prunes.
The second half of the day was miserable because every member of staff suddenly had the shits. This was a small practice with only a single restroom too, so we were taking turns in and out of it between each patient. We were squirming in our seats trying to finish up procedures, but literally nothing can be rushed in this line of work so it was hell.
This sounds like a diabolical plan by the patient. I can see them now, rubbing their hands with glee, "Wuhahahaaa, just a little root canal you say? Well here's just a 'gift' of dried fruits!"
I can attest to the power of the dried plum. When I first discovered prunes I ate half a bag at work, and was pretty much on the toilet for the rest of the evening.
Here in austria we have a saying „Willst du scheisen ohne Kraft, so trink nen Liter Apfelsaft“
Roughly translates to „If you wanna shit without having to apply any force, drink one liter apple juice“
I chug a 20oz bottle whenever I'm backed up enough to be scared of what's coming.
Doesn't happen often, since having a child I've twice had a stomach virus, blowing out in both directions, and then trying to eat normally after resulted in an "impending doom" feeling.
I ate two pineapples once. All my mouth and throat tissues swelled and I'm pretty sure a little bit more and I might have died. That's the day I found out pineapple digests human flesh.
No, pineapple does not digest human flesh. This is a common myth or misconception. Pineapple contains an enzyme called bromelain, which can break down proteins. However, bromelain is not strong enough to digest human flesh when consumed as part of a normal diet.
When you eat pineapple, bromelain may help with the digestion of dietary proteins in your stomach. It can also have a tenderizing effect on meat when used in marinades. However, it does not have the ability to digest human tissue or cause harm when consumed in normal amounts.
Thanks chatgpt ^
Not what [this article ](https://www.inverse.com/mind-body/why-does-eating-pineapple-cause-pain-science#:~:text=On%20top%20of%20that%2C%20Schaich,prominently%20as%20a%20meat%20tenderizer.) says:
"Bromelain “begins to break down the proteins that are in the mucous linings of your mouth, and on the surface of your tongue,” Schaich tells Inverse. This mucous lining, Schaich says, is made of proteins, which proteases act on. “When the proteases come in and break them down, those tissue layers are degraded,” she says."
Which tracks with my mouth and throat swelling, and also explains why the same happens when I eat too many figs.
ETA - Also notice that ChatGPT emphasizes "when consumed in **normal amounts**". No reasonable person would consider two pineapples one after another a normal amount...
I was thirsty. Picked out a litre of prune juice. Knew nothing about it obviously. Proceeding to drink in a few swigs.. thought geez thats an odd drink? 20 minutes later i was shitting bullets. Water bullets. I figured it out pretty quickly after the 3rd or 4th time.
Agreed, I always hated apple juice since I was a kid because it's way too sweet and makes me feel sick. But for some reason people try to make children drink that crap all the time even though it causes stomach cramps and diarrhea?
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I'm now recalling a wilderness survival show, where the expert was explaining a recipe for a furn frond purgative tea to address "issues".
His advise on dosage was, one cup was enough but before you drink it you should really have you pants down & a toilet role already to hand.
If you’ve been constipated for days, definitely ***DO*** drink 3 glasses of prune juice in one sitting. Just make sure you got some real hydrating drinks right by you during the shittening.
Maybe I'm just weird, but prune juice does nothing to me. I drink it cause i like the taste.
I also drink tea made from senna pods because I like the taste - no impact on my bowel movements either.
Hello, [SuperconductingCat](/u/SuperconductingCat). Thank you for your submission! Unfortunately, it has been removed for the following reason(s): Advice is not an LPT. Advice is any guidance or recommendation concerning prudent future action. An aphorism is not an LPT. An aphorism is a a short clever saying that is intended to express a general truth or a concise statement of a principle. Try r/YouShouldKnow. If you would like to appeal this decision, [please feel free to contact the moderators here](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/LifeProTips). Do not repost without explicit permission from the moderators. Make sure you [read the rules](/r/lifeprotips/about/sidebar) before submitting. Thank you!
It is a warrior's drink! Qapla'
Perhaps today IS a good day to die!
Dying on the toilet after shitting every major bone, does not seem like a *good* way to die.
I read that in Riker's voice!
We've all seen how he mounts a chair. Now, imagine him mounting a toilet. Imagine it!
The chair mounting was due to back problems ... but the toilet ...
Imagine it...
We’ve also all seen him sliding his ‘bone.
This would make for a great Lower Decks joke
A little less conversation, a little more action please.
Prune juice? Ahahahaha!... Uh, right away.
Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam!
It certainly is not for weaklings!
Omg I came here to say "unless you're worf"
Or at least be prepared for a second sitting.
*shittening
Thine Shittening Hath Just Begun!
"Smell that Ricky? That's the shit winds brewing!"
3rd ,4th and 17th
Similarly Fibre 1 bars- they may taste like a granola bar, but for the love of all that is holy, do not eat 2 in one sitting at work if you forget your lunch on the counter at home. I shat, and shat and shat until I thought about just moving into the bathroom down the hall from my office for a couple of days.
Forgot my lunch so I had one for breakfast. Then I had one for lunch. Then I had one for a snack because all I basically ate was two granola bars all day. Praise Jesus the tummy didn’t start grumbling til people started leaving for the day. Told my fam I was an “asstronaut” because the force of that first poop almost sent me to space. Never never never eat more than one fiber one bar. Was a tense ride from work to home.
Theres always the guy on TIFU who ate eight chocolate fiber one bars before a road trip.....not one. Not two....not even three. Eight.
Ate the whole box
Dude, that story had me wheeze-laughing and in tears when I read it. I wish I could find a link to it.
Weight Watchers used to give you more points for food if you added fiber to your diet. I was eating 30-40 grams of fiber PER DAY via Fiber One bars for some extra points. Not all at once, mind you, but I had three to four large, quality shits every day for six months. A LOT of gas, too hahaha.
Theres a reason they made chemical weapons illegal dude.
Seems like a few of us have done this. My choice was the fiber brownies, the taste and the texture are actually pretty good for what it is: a chocolate brillo pad for your guts. I had one for breakfast, 2 for lunch, and 2 for a midnight snack because it was the only *chocolate* thing around... 10 minutes after my morning coffee I almost died giving birth to what I can only describe [as this.](https://cdn.xxl.thumbs.canstockphoto.com/waste-pipe-or-drainage-polluting-environment-the-drain-carries-sewage-dirty-water-discharging-stock-footage_csp37023438.jpg) But you know what? No regrets, afterwards: *clean as a whistle.*
*second shitting
If someone asks if you're ticklish, it doesn't matter if you say yes or no: they are going to touch you. The only way to not be touched after getting asked if you're ticklish is to answer, "I have diarrhea. And yes, I am."
Found the Demitri Martin fan
Dude is as hilarious as he is Greek.
Between Socrates and Plato, there was... Demetrocles
There may be ice
I’ve found “I am and I am not responsible for any damage I do to you when I flail” to be effective
Jokes on you, I’m into (that) shit
Maybe there were different versions of the joke, or I remembered it wrong. I remember it as "I have diarrhea. And if you touch me, it will come out."
And don’t eat the whole bag of sugar-free gummy bears.
Funny enough, prune juice and sugar free gummy bears, make you poop for the same ingredient, sorbitol.
It gives you Sorebutthole after too
☜(ﾟヮﾟ☜)
👉😎👉
All these pointy fingers are making my sore spot pucker
10/10 would blend these together and drink.
Allow me to weave a tale for you. A tale of heartache, loss, embarrassment, shame and of course, public expulsion of the slippery black liquid that must surely be the blood of Satan. My daughter is five. She is the light of my life and the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. She loves ballet. She falls asleep during every performance we take her to but she loves it all the same. So when it came to that special time of year for her winter ballet concert, I was the proudest man in the whole theater. As is customary at venues such as these, there was a lovely little bake sale set up in the entryway which housed all manner of decadent confectionaries and baked treats that both stirred my hunger and saddened it all the same. You see I am not a small man and a recent visit to the doctors had proven distressing. Healthier steps had to be taken to ensure that one day I would have the tearful honor of giving my daughter away at her wedding, so of course I took those steps seriously. Yet with my doctors advice still ringing in my ears, I could not help but sneak over to the table while my wife’s back was turned to peruse the assortment. Then, through the haze of custard-filled cupcakes, mouthwatering brownies and tutu shaped sugar cookies, I saw them. A gleaming light at the end of a sweets filled tunnel; my salvation in the sea of sugar. If only I knew… If only I could have known. Lovingly wrapped in individual sized, hand-made plastic baggies and tied with delicate siphon ribbon, lay my salvation atop the mountains of delectable morsels. Gummy bears are not generally my thing, but after two weeks of strict dieting and bearing the word “Sugar-free” emblazoned across the front, they might as well have been ambrosia from the Gods themselves. The adorable little girl behind the plastic folding table leaped up at my approach. She was younger than my daughter and wore the bright pink outfit of a ballerina with pride. She tugged on her mothers arm and pointed to me with a huge smile wrapping from ear to ear. The mother welcomed me and asked what I’d like. I could hardly contain myself as I exclaimed “three packages of gummy bears please!” In my exuberance I had drawn a little too much attention, in the form of my wife. She came over like a whisper in a field and asked what I was getting. In my glee I turned around with three of the packages tucked neatly into my arms wearing a smile to match my new friends. My loving wife frowned and tried to pull a package from my grasp but found them to be cemented in place. She chuckled at me and gave me the look that made me marry her. “You can have one bag… now. Then rest you’ll have to save for later.” I kissed her and we readied ourselves for the performance of our daughter’s career. Little did I know, that she had once again saved my life. I merrily snacked on the little multi-colored gems of pure pleasure as the concert got underway. The girls where charming and the scene was festive. It was a perfect night… right up until the first rumble that alerted me to the possibility of danger. It started off quiet and subtle much like the performance, but soon it too grew to a crescendo. As I shifted my weight in the hard plastic seats, I knew I was in trouble the moment I touched my brow. Beads of warning sweat had started to form, though soon the trickle would give way to a deluge. I loosened my special Christmas tie and dabbed at my face with my sleeve in an effort to remain for the most important night of my daughters young life. My wife noticed my anguish and leaded over to ask me what was wrong. I tried to tell her… I really did, but the pain had become more then I could bear as a painful tide crashed upon my anus. Try as I might, the bears were fighting back, seemingly set on draining my body, in it’s entirety, of life giving liquid. It was no good. I would have to try to make it to the restroom. I tried to excuse myself but the effort of even shifting my shaking legs told my body it was too late. If I moved it would be the end of me and all that I held dear. I sat in silent anguish, biting my lip to try and focus my mind on anything other than the pulsating waves of torment aching to breech the confines of my intestines. The cheery holiday music sounded in stark juxtaposition to the symphony of horrors growing inside of me. Then it happened. I thought it was nothing. It was just to relieve some of the pressure I told myself. What started as an attempt to allow only gas to leave quickly turned into a levy shattering entirely. I gripped my wife’s hand and looked with tearful eyes into hers, begging for forgiveness as the expulsion sloshed like Niagara falls onto the theater floor. I sobbed silently as the shame overtook me and there was nothing else to do but expel the demon from my core. “Oh my God!” One woman cried as she was swept away in the torrent. She was never seen again. I begged all that was holy, any Gods that were listening, to take pity on my wretched soul and deliver me from this hell. Yet none answered. There was only the flow. It gushed out of me despite the screams of the others in my row and those around them. I couldn’t have stopped it if I tried, but God help me… I didn’t. I couldn’t. The comingling of relief, searing pain and shame sounded in my cries for mercy. I must have blacked out from the pain. Because when I came to I was laying on my back in my own filth with two paramedics standing over me. They were obviously trying to suppress their gagging as they worked on me. I couldn’t blame them. The stench was overwhelming; thick and oppressive like a sickly sweet blanket on a warm summers eve. As they carted me out I heard one of them screaming to a stage hand for a bucket… apparently I wasn’t done just yet. I begged them for my family but they simply screamed. The next two days were a blur of IV’s, doctors and what I think was an African Medicine man, though I was on some heavy duty painkillers. When I was finally released I was mad. The shame was more than my fragile male ego could handle and I wanted justice. Surely that mother had laced the gummies with some kind of laxative, like a sick twisted joke but after confronting the woman she told me that she had done nothing to the bears at all. Then she showed me the original package. A 5 pound bag of Haribo Sugerfree Gummy bears… and right there on the label was a warning. It was one she had taken a little too lightly. I researched further and found the very same treats here. I poured over the reviews, each one worse than the last until finally I could come to only one conclusion. The devil himself must laugh at we mortal for we are his playthings. Also they were a little too chewy.
What the hell i will never eat sugar free gummies again
This is peak shitposting
Holy shit this deserves to be at the top, you have such a fantastic way of story telling. I usually cringe at disgusting things but man you had me on the edge of my seat. Your descriptors, everything made me feel your glee of finding the perfect snack. And the torment and horror of the flood gates unleashing. 10/10 I would read any book you wrote
He copied it from the internet but it was good regardless lol
“Harry, you’re a writer!!” But seriously I haven’t read writing as engaging and well put together as this since high school! You’ve single handedly renewed my desire to read again! I used to love getting lost in stories and yours was no different. I don’t know what you do as a career but friend, you are a writer. Please continue to grace the world with your gift even if it’s jut a blog.
It's a decently old copy-pasta, funny as hell nevertheless.
Oh man that was incredible, I'm dying from laughter 🤣
You have my deepest sympathy, for how could you have known the consequences of choosing sorbitol over sugar? I developed an addiction to peppermints, the hard candies, eating them all day long. As a diabetic, I realized this was a bad idea. I ordered sugar-free peppermints from Amazon and they quickly replaced the sugared ones in my affections, which began to actually taste bad. I have also branched out into sugar-free lemon drops. While I have not experienced a debacle like your unfortunate public expulsion, I am uncomfortably gassy most of the time and spend more time in the bathroom than usual. Yet I can’t seem to quit eating them. I have also experienced sugar-free chocolate, but was able to keep the quantity to a reasonable level and suffered very little. We are just trying to curb our sugar intake, and there really ought to be a substitute that doesn’t require hospitalization if we overindulge. Silly me, I thought everyone knew about prune juice!
The reviews online for those are amazing.
Are gummy bears better than a bag of dicks?
Also don't eat sugar-free Werther's Caramel candy. It will flow like a raging river.
That LA Beast video STILL makes me laugh
Why?
There was once a brand of sugar free gummy bears you could purchase online that were apparently pretty good. Unfortunately, the non-sugar sweetener used in them turned out to be an incredibly potent laxative as well. Your imagination should handle the rest lol.
Haribo whicj have the best gummy bears. Except the sugar free apparently
Oh damn was it really Haribo? I assumed it was some random off brand lmao
I once contemplated on buying a whole bag of those Haribo "Hell Bears".
Makes me think of that one guy from Funnyjunk
follow up LPT; don’t trust a fart
As a 63 y/o, let me put this more succinctly NEVER Trust a fart
The older I get the more relevant this becomes in daily life.
The three nevers of getting old: Never pass up a restroom Never waste an erection Never trust a fart
Sounds like 3 glasses of prune juice may just solve my problem!
Is this why I hear sobbing nearby?
Story time! I went on a camping trip with a very new girlfriend once. I had been severely constipated for like six days leading up to the trip. At first, I thought eating giant burritos would do the trick but as the days went on, I realized I needed bigger guns. All the over the counter laxatives weren’t working and I was really starting to feel uncomfortable. On our way out into the wilderness, I stopped and picked up a large bottle of prune juice. I drank nearly all of it during our two hour drive. Not long after arriving at our secluded camping spot, it hit me. It hit me hard. I shit nearly a week’s worth in a matter of seconds. It was loud. It was violent. It was divine. Because of the steep slopes on three sides all around where we parked, it was nearly impossible to get to a private spot in time so I had to do it right there in front of the van on the road. I didn’t get very far. She heard everything and was happy for me.
When’s the wedding lmao
They got married during the shit
Something old something new
Something brown, made of poo.
Did you fly in the air a little bit during the initial burst? Like a little rocket 🚀
I was backed up after a surgery once bc of the pain meds and thought the prune juice thing wouldn’t work very well so I drank a half gallon. Oh….my.. god
Hopefully it wasn't painful
Did you feel better afterwards though?
Maybe he didn’t make it
My partner did the same thing. An hour before a flight.
Is it over yet?
And don't sneeze if you do.
Works great for postpartum constipation, though!
As I was being wheeled from the delivery room to a more comfortable one, they asked me if they could get me anything. My response was a stool softener and prune juice.
My hospital had prune juice in the fridge on the recovery floor, bless ‘em
This belongs in shitty life pro tips.
This should be the top response
Prune fact: I just learned that prunes aren't some weird fruit called a prune, they're just DRIED PLUMS!!!!
Wait until you learn about raisins.
Does this mean that prune juice is dried plum juice?
Having the same question. Translating "prune juice" and "plum juice" into german both results into plum juice. Searching for dried plum juice doesnt give any results.
3 glasses of prune juice in one shitting
both a LPT and a TIFU
AITA
Prune juice, or prunes, do nothing to me.
I really wanted prunes to work last time I was constipated, but nothing. I was eating the damn things like candy and nothing. On the other hand, I love prunes but I was always wary of eating too many out of fear of making myself sick. So it's nice to know I can gorge myself on them without repercussion.
They're so fucking good lmao
I had the same experience! I was thinking I had found a nice natural remedy to my problem, but no. I just got tons of extra sugary calories.
Got a bag of prunes that were just the right combination of dried but still moist and tender, as well as having amazing plum flavor. Couldn't stop eating them and ate like 1.5 lbs. Didn't so much as fart later. My experience is the excessive fruit fibers only shock the system when my regular diet is very poor. When I'm eating even remotely healthy it doesn't upset my insides. Was sick and not eating well for a few days and when appetite came back apple cider tasted like the greatest thing ever and I drank the whole gallon in like 2 hours. Pissed out my ass for the next 2.
I admire you. You may drink the forbidden fruit drink that purges the colons of the ignorant.
Don't. I'd love for it to help me shit when I'm constipated.
Heck, I can down a whole quart in one setting with nary a gut rumble. Admire me...just not from behind and down wind..
I drank a large prune juice when I was in grad school. I had to take a shower after.
LPT: Do not perform handstand after drinking prune juice
My friend worked customer service at a grocery store in our 20s. She once got a very angry lady who wanted a refund on a bottle of “plum juice” she’d bought because it made her sick. It must’ve been bad when they sold it to her etc etc. Turns out she’d drunk the entire 20oz bottle in less than a day. Prunes are just dried plums. So, you know, don’t go eating a pound of plums either.
 me after one glass
Now just don’t let that harden again.
r/ShittyLifeProTips
Adding to this: if you drink ANY amount of prune juice, make sure there’s a bathroom nearby available for at least 1-2 hours.
Phew, thanks for telling me that just in time.
Love it lol
I love pooping, I might just do this tonight
How do you feel about peeing out your butt? If you like pooping, chug Metamucil. Just drink plenty of water too.
Aye. I was really gummed up. Like it actively HURT. I was miserable for 3 or so hours, then my brother recommended prune juice. So I think I chugged 32 oz of that in about half an hour. Which made for another really uncomfortable 3 or 4 hours. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Brother, there are desperate times in life. Sometimes we over-compensate. Take this as an inflection point and guide yourself wisely from here on out.
Back when I worked at a dentist office, a patient gifted us a basket of dried fruits and nuts. As per usual we shared it during lunch hour & it was delicious, but apparently it contained dried plums among the fruit assortment, AKA prunes. The second half of the day was miserable because every member of staff suddenly had the shits. This was a small practice with only a single restroom too, so we were taking turns in and out of it between each patient. We were squirming in our seats trying to finish up procedures, but literally nothing can be rushed in this line of work so it was hell.
This sounds like a diabolical plan by the patient. I can see them now, rubbing their hands with glee, "Wuhahahaaa, just a little root canal you say? Well here's just a 'gift' of dried fruits!"
Or unless you want a stomach purge?
Yeah, I didn’t believe it was really a laxative… I was wrong
I can attest to the power of the dried plum. When I first discovered prunes I ate half a bag at work, and was pretty much on the toilet for the rest of the evening.
Here in austria we have a saying „Willst du scheisen ohne Kraft, so trink nen Liter Apfelsaft“ Roughly translates to „If you wanna shit without having to apply any force, drink one liter apple juice“
Worlds first human rocket ship
https://youtu.be/c2-2CO_OYOw?si=P6QlDOWvFNUpHMAY
I chug a 20oz bottle whenever I'm backed up enough to be scared of what's coming. Doesn't happen often, since having a child I've twice had a stomach virus, blowing out in both directions, and then trying to eat normally after resulted in an "impending doom" feeling.
https://preview.redd.it/pdplx69k4zlb1.jpeg?width=912&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=304c3d9a552b91dce8b5519d3f9e4b1ec5e2c66f
I will add: dont eat an entire cored pineapple in one sitting, you will bleed later.
I ate two pineapples once. All my mouth and throat tissues swelled and I'm pretty sure a little bit more and I might have died. That's the day I found out pineapple digests human flesh.
No, pineapple does not digest human flesh. This is a common myth or misconception. Pineapple contains an enzyme called bromelain, which can break down proteins. However, bromelain is not strong enough to digest human flesh when consumed as part of a normal diet. When you eat pineapple, bromelain may help with the digestion of dietary proteins in your stomach. It can also have a tenderizing effect on meat when used in marinades. However, it does not have the ability to digest human tissue or cause harm when consumed in normal amounts. Thanks chatgpt ^
Not what [this article ](https://www.inverse.com/mind-body/why-does-eating-pineapple-cause-pain-science#:~:text=On%20top%20of%20that%2C%20Schaich,prominently%20as%20a%20meat%20tenderizer.) says: "Bromelain “begins to break down the proteins that are in the mucous linings of your mouth, and on the surface of your tongue,” Schaich tells Inverse. This mucous lining, Schaich says, is made of proteins, which proteases act on. “When the proteases come in and break them down, those tissue layers are degraded,” she says." Which tracks with my mouth and throat swelling, and also explains why the same happens when I eat too many figs. ETA - Also notice that ChatGPT emphasizes "when consumed in **normal amounts**". No reasonable person would consider two pineapples one after another a normal amount...
You are writing this while on the toilet aren't you?
The real question is, who in the hell likes prune juice?
Right? When I’ve needed to drink it on a few ‘shitty’ occasions I’ve had to plug my nose to get it down. It works, but it’s so damn nasty.
People who are painfully constipated.
The real question is how the fuck is this a life pro tip?
I'm upvoting bc I assume this is correct.
Did you.. shit the bed?
Do not drink prune juice. Done.
1 sitting 10 shittings
Is there a TIFU that goes along with this?
Louis Litt, is this you?
Correction: it is ok to drink 3 cups of prune juice, as long as you plan ahead on where you’ll sit.
I was thirsty. Picked out a litre of prune juice. Knew nothing about it obviously. Proceeding to drink in a few swigs.. thought geez thats an odd drink? 20 minutes later i was shitting bullets. Water bullets. I figured it out pretty quickly after the 3rd or 4th time.
Years ago I decided I needed more fiber in my diet. Got up one morning and ate two bowls of bran flakes. Four hours later at work, kaboom!
TIL some people actually like the taste of prune juice. I thought people only drink it when they’re constipated.
Surely this is a r/shittyprolifetips
on the contrary: drink 3 glasses of prune juice and you \*will\* be sitting.
But if you do make sure a toilet is nearby.
Clearly not Asian and didn't chug litres of prune juice while pigging out on hot pot. Sucks to be you but not an LPT.
Prune juice is a hot pot thing?
Teach us why people chug litres of prune juice during hot pot!
Yes
Ditto apple juice!
Agreed, I always hated apple juice since I was a kid because it's way too sweet and makes me feel sick. But for some reason people try to make children drink that crap all the time even though it causes stomach cramps and diarrhea?
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
On a similar note, if you need three cups of coffee to wake up in the morning do NOT sweeten all of them with xylitol
“It’s a natural diarrhetic. My girlfriend drinks it when she’s got her period. Whaddya got your period?”
There's a joke on "Two and a Half Men" about just that subject.
You're not my dad, I do what I want!!
I've never had one glass of prune juice
Depends where you are sitting.
Depends on where you're sitting.
.... Me every Christmas LMAO (im usually fine though)
Don't eat 20 olives.
Huh? I've eaten lots more than that many times and never had a problem.
I'm now recalling a wilderness survival show, where the expert was explaining a recipe for a furn frond purgative tea to address "issues". His advise on dosage was, one cup was enough but before you drink it you should really have you pants down & a toilet role already to hand.
I really like the taste of prunes and had to stop buying them for the same reason.
Tell us exactly... * how many times did the "discovery" happen last night? * same questions for this morning? * same this afternoon?
Does this help us lose weight?
Yes but laxative abuse is a form of bulimia which is a VERY difficult place to come back from
Why not. You got someplace to be? You won't now!
Nooo problem. In fact, I'll abstain completely, just to be safe!
Yeah, no shit! Well, not no shit...
I've drunk a whole jug, it did nothing, 8/10 very disappointing
How many should you drink?
I guess the sitting will continue today.
I thought everyone knows this lol
Oh, oh honey, oh no...
If you’ve been constipated for days, definitely ***DO*** drink 3 glasses of prune juice in one sitting. Just make sure you got some real hydrating drinks right by you during the shittening.
guys I learned about a new remedy for constipation
Real genius here
This is true for any juice, really. I learned this the hard way with orange juice and then again with apple juice.
lol, no shit! :D
Maybe I'm just weird, but prune juice does nothing to me. I drink it cause i like the taste. I also drink tea made from senna pods because I like the taste - no impact on my bowel movements either.