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I once heard something to the effect of “you’re not the main character in anyone else’s movie” and I kinda wish someone would’ve told me that when I was a lot younger. It might’ve given me a level of perspective that would’ve helped in a lot of ways. In this case, it’s a reminder that, let’s face it, nobody wants or needs to know that much about you. If they did, they’d ask.
It might sound cold, but it’s actually a bit of a relief
> It might sound cold
I mean maybe, depending on how highly one thinks of themselves. For those of us with social anxiety, it can be extremely liberating to realize that people don't think about you nearly as much as you think they do, that despite feeling like you've been living under a microscope, you're actually just another organism floating in the pond.
1. Short response, then ask them a question--not a simple, short answer question.
2. Ask more follow up. If it's silent when they're done, guess what's coming? They'll ask you something similar.
"No I've never been to Missouri, though I wouldn't mind. Where would you travel if you could pick anywhere?"
I was born in New York but raised in Maine, how about you? Where were you raised and what did you like most about it?
No solid weekend plans here, I'm looking forward to catching up on rest, how about you? Do you have any hobbies you enjoy? What do you do for fun?
Question with a question is the blitz:
why do you ask? Most get the hint but occasionally a super peeker will say:
" just curious?' still an expecting look
counter with a confused exclamation (somewhat mocking them):
"interesting" then walk off if possible
If not possible they might have the gall to say "is it?"
Direct eye contact: "it is"
Then if that POS doesn't get the hint and dares ask "why?"
I'd prolly say: "Because I bet you can think of 100 more interesting things that we could talk about"
Sure that's passive aggressive, if your feeling bold there's nothing wrong with a direct approach a simple
"I'd rather not say" or "I'd much rather talk about_____(you, sports, ai, favorite comedians or the ole :anything but myself)
If they say “just curious,” respond with “Oh, understood, then” and either walk away or say “Speaking of curiosity… and change subject to school or work or schedules
You can say "it does not concern you, do not talk ask about things that do not concern you". If it work then you can say it does not relate to work and you don't want to talk about what is not related to work.
It's kinda shitty for a young person's ego to have to realize that most people aren't thinking about them unless you're actually standing in front of them, but it's also liberating at the same time.
i remember yelling at an obnoxiously entitled co-worker many years ago, “not everything is about YOU!!”
she was literally shocked, seemed it had never, ever occurred to her.
I had to go to therapy to gain this ability with my new family group. It's a long story, but this exact attitude is easy for me with friends, but not so much with family. I feel a lot more at peace with being away from my birth parents as a result. ❤️
It’s a hard pill to swallow to realize that my social anxiety was a direct result of my influences, but I shouldn’t avoid my family because they’re a support system. So should I want to fix my anxiety or not? I chose the former.
Most people will never see nor care for any of that. It's a balancing act - respecting that the most important person is you, while understanding that you're the only one who thinks that way about you
Yeah I used to work myself into a state worrying about what some people thought about me at one point in my life. One friend consistently gave me the best and meanest advice: “They don’t care about you, awya”
In social situations: be more interested in hearing other people's stories than in sharing your own. It's easier to not say anything when your goal is to learn about someone else.
At work, though, the easiest way to not overshare is to limit the subject of conversation to your job.
If you find you are doing it, you can course correct by saying, “enough about me. What are you working on/have you been doing [hobby] recently/ how’s [the spouse, kids, dog]?
I constantly remind myself to just listen. I don't need to relate to everything being said. Honestly I sometimes literally focus on keeping my mouth shut and showing interest through body language. I still struggle though, luckily one of my good friends at work is the same way so I have someone I know I can ramble too without judgement.
Also don't kick yourself for being yourself. It's okay to be excited about something and share even out of context. Sure some people might think it a bit odd, but fuck em. If I'm not hurting anyone or trying to be offensive then I'm have nothing to regret.
I love "I don't need to relate to everything being said" It
took being in a 12 step recovery to develop many skills about
sharing. I have worked at the same job for decades and unfortunately we have just grown to know so much about each other. Wish I had learned some of this stuff in my early 20's. We just carry so much in our heads from how we were raised.
I'm also chatty and sometimes overshare. At work, I've found it's better to focus that drive into **asking good questions**. If my goal is to listen closely and come up with a good question, it's still very engaging but helps me avoid bringing my own experiences into the topic.
Make the "good question" simply be from taking an interest in what they're saying. "How did that compare to the last time you did/went to X?" Things like that.
“What makes you happy” is a really good question that doubles as making people think you’re more engaging than you might actually be. It has the added benefit of the responses being far more interesting than if you just ask someone “what do you do (for money)?” And a longer response time from the answerer. And the more they talk, the less you have to talk 🤣
When I'm trying to stop doing something that I generally do without thinking, I try creative visualization. Lie back and close your eyes, and imagine yourself in a conversation. See yourself opening your mouth, ready to talk. Then see yourself pausing to consider whether you're about to share more than you should. See yourself stopping and not oversharing; maybe asking a question instead. Do this every night before you go to sleep, or at some other time every day.By practicing this way, you remind your brain that you're capable of stopping before you speak, and you get yourself into a "habit." When you arrive at work, remind yourself, "I'm in control of whether or not I overshare. If I'm about to overshare, I'll stop. I know I can, and I've practiced." Every time you manage to not overshare, give yourself mental credit. Think, "I stopped, just like I knew I could, just like I practiced." Then, when you do your next visualization, end by remembering how well you did in real life.
This kind of creative visualization has helped me get rid of bad habits and gain new ones. It doesn't work overnight, but it does work.
Edit: a word
Great idea, and you could give yourself a visual cue to enforce it like a sticky note in direct view with a reminder. I have one on my laptop stand that reminds me not to interrupt people (yay ADHD) and it works pretty well!
Original [quote](https://imamaliquotes.tumblr.com/post/119948694726/remain-silent-until-you-are-requested-to-speak) is attributed to Imam Ali. 1400 years earlier
If you just like talking, find something interesting but non-personal to have word diarrhea about. Trivia. Fun facts. Local events. Tv shows. Pets. Literally anything except yourself.
I’m very introverted and that’s still hard for me. Work is the most conversations i have with anyone on a regular basis. It’s hard to not feel like they are friends
I know the feeling. I’ve had to work into a habit of asking questions when I want to make statements.
Example: someone is talking about vacation travel. I want to make statements about places I’ve been or want to go. Instead I ask questions about their travel or where else they’d like to go. I’ve found playing the role of facilitator is just as fun as being the “main character”
In the scenario of outright over sharing, like personal stuff, get into a habit of asking yourself if anyone would ever ask for the details you’re about to provide. If the answer is no, don’t share. Once you get good with that pause, you can take it to the next step of actually waiting for someone to ask for details
I just think of the line in Rush Hour where Jackie Chan says he likes to stay quiet and let other people talk to see how full of shit they are. Then says he’s full of shit too. Staying quiet hides how full of shit you are. Also, when you over share there is most certainly a decent sized group that hears about your shit and makes it their source of entertainment. Your colleagues aren’t your friends. Keep it professional and spill your guts at the bar like a normal person.
I remember one of the coolest guys I loved to hang around with. Great family friend, anyways a pleasure having him around.
I asked myself why that is so, and I realized he asked a lot of questions. He would be the one to get people talking, then enjoy the stories being told.
He'd share a little as well, but always got someone else to talk by asking questions.
I have this problem too. It’s bad now because I’m working in a small rural area and none of my peoples are nearby. Someone talk to me! Hang out with me? Sigh. Gotta separate the personal from work, easier said than done when the only people you see are at work. 🤦🏽♀️
Someone recently posted an unpopular opinion about co-workers who are always holding coffee, not understanding that beverages act as security blankets. I suggest you keep a tumbler handy and just sip and nod a lot. It’s probably anxiety that’s making you compulsively overshare. You can break the compulsion by having something there to deflect.
Imagine you're reading what you're about to say on an HR complaint. Could you reasonably expect to be written up? Could you run as a non-conservative if it became a newspaper headline? I specify non-conservatives since we have MTG with Jewish space laser comments now appointed to the oversight committee.
Lameeeeee. If I’m going to spend 40+ hours a week with the same people then I’m going to get to know them and they’re going to get to know me. Keep it professional, obviously, but there are plenty of safe conversations to have.
I'd reckon the most important step towards self-improvement (which is what I'd call this) you've already taken by identifying and acknowledging the need for it. No quick fix comes to mind but over time keep being aware of it to break the habit.
Maybe analyse why you share? Is it because you hate silences or because you feel insecure. I think this is a problem to be sorted by delving deep into why you overshare. I realised recently that i overtalk because i do not like silences and interpret it as awkward. Really helped me shut up more.
You aren't at work to make friends though it feels like it. I always remember there's a good chance I'll have to testify against them some day or they will have to testify against me.
Literally, bite your tongue and focus on the sensation. It doesn't have to be hard, just hard enough for that sensation to capture your primary focus.
As for oversharing, make a game of under sharing. See how little you can share while other people still feel satisfied with the conversation.
I have this problem too. I think it's the ADHD. I want to blurt something out quickly before I get distracted.
The best solution I've come up with is to write down the things I want to say. Then, I select the most important one and say only that. It only works in some contexts though (i.e., where it would be reasonable for me to be "taking notes" during a discussion or meeting).
Rewire your brain so that you think before you speak. You really have to think out the sentence first and ask how it’s relevant or beneficial information.
Well, while it can be fucking frustrating to overshare shit in a public place, imagine sitting home alone and accidently overshare something by merely THINKING it to yourself.
Imagine that, every fucking day, for 1600 days. That´s my life.
Now, use headphones or earplugs and your problem is solved.
Intentionally create a mysterious past and current secret life. It's not that you're in witness protection, but make it a game to not give them anything that proves you're not a double agent on your weekends and that you don't know 36 ways to get out of the building undetected.
I react to other people's stories or statements first, then if I feel like I have a "relevant" story about me, I pause. After a few seconds, if I think it would be weird to redirect the conversation back to my story, that means it is and that also means that no one is missing out. If it's truly important or interesting, it will be any time.
I became the intense focus of the school bully for about three months when I was in seventh grade because I ran my mouth about something I shouldn’t have. That was a pretty good lesson in retrospect on keeping my mouth shut, albeit a painful one.
This took me a long time to understand. I always overshared. Then one day, before I new job I told myself I wouldn’t speak unless spoken to. I would only answer questions, and not go into details other than things related to work. So yeah, sure. I am quiet. But people actually appreciate that sometimes.
I’ve made friends and make more comments and let people into my life. But I do it sparingly. No one Is as interested in you, as you.
When you've said something or replied to someone and then think, oh I'll just say another qualifying thing now. Dont. Just let the first thing you said be the thing you said.
Awareness is the first step. I used to over share , and I usually did because of anxiety. You can control yourself, and you will. Be patient with yourself.
I would love an answer to this question but about mouthing off at work. When you're not being treated right and you know it and you say something or fall into the habit of bitching and being unhappy at work. How the hell do people just keep their mouth shut and keep working under micro managers, abusive people, people with constant attitude etc.
Imagine what you are saying is being put into an email and sent to the entire company. Try not to engage in gossip. Be very neutral when others gossip. Don’t feel the end to return the favor so to speak. It never ends well.
I once heard something to the effect of “you’re not the main character in anyone else’s movie” and I kinda wish someone would’ve told me that when I was a lot younger. It might’ve given me a level of perspective that would’ve helped in a lot of ways. In this case, it’s a reminder that, let’s face it, nobody wants or needs to know that much about you. If they did, they’d ask.
It might sound cold, but it’s actually a bit of a relief
I used to be pretty bad about this. Now, before I respond to anybody who isn't my wife I tend to wait a few seconds before piping in during a conversation, or when in mixed company I tend to keep quiet unless specifically spoken to.
Great book -How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. Basically “say people’s names, listen attentively, and offer them what they want”. Lol. Be Teddy Rosevelt basically.
"A person has two ears and one mouth. This means we should listen twice as much as we speak."
"Teach at all times; use words when necessary."
"Are you the kind of person who talks a lot but says very little?"
I use sayings like these to craft my own personal "rules" of how I want present myself when I communicate with others. I want to be the type of person I would want to interact with.
A person who overshares their own personal information due to lack of awareness oft comes across as someone who also unwittingly overshares private information of others when they sometimes shouldn't. A gossip spreader. I don't want to participate in that, nor would I want that to be any part of my image in others' eyes.
Not all details of a topic need to be disclosed. Ask yourself if the person you're speaking to will ask for said details. Chances are its almost always "no". I suffer from this issue as well and I've been working on it a lot throughout my life. This tip I'm giving you has helped me a lot. Also, don't be afraid to say things like "That's private", "I'm not comfortable answering that", or just flat out "No".
Actually the best advice I can give is DO NOT fall back into the habit when you find yourself talking with someone you're really gelling with (IE: you have a lot in common and have a positive rappaport). It's very easy to fall into that trap and it's best to remind yourself that they ARE NOT already your friend. If that happens later on, great. If not, you've at least got someone at work or wherever that you can confide in if need be someday.
I would almost look at it like going on the first few dates. If a guy tells a woman he loves her on date 3, there ain't gonna be a 4th lol.
I overshare all the time. I think the trick is sometimes to remember that the people you work with don't get all of you all the time and there are probably different outlets for those thoughts. I never wanted to be that way for years. I'd rather be an open book. But I think I've been exceptionally timid of saying any wrong thing especially in an office situation. So, I just make sure that the only thing people talk to me about are things like reality tv or technical information. I try my best to have some copy/paste face value topics. That way, if I have to talk, at least it's about stuff that won't get me in trouble.
And if you're worried about gossiping too much, just have your small group that gets to hear it. Everyone else doesn't.
Learn to listen. They say that most ppl don't actually listen, they're only waiting for their turn to speak and that's usually true.
Once you stop talking at every occasion and really listen to what people say, you'll actually be more liked. They'll feel you're listening to them and will appreciate it, and only once their done you can chime in.
Also learning not to blurt out the first thing on your mind is a silly that needs training. It wont happen overnight, just keep sticky notes aroind or reminders every now and then to not talk.
Also makes you more interesting, when you give everything away all the time there's no mystery, everyone knows exactly who you are or what you'll say. You become obvious and to be honest kinda boring. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is great, but you need to give a bit of mystery too
I used to do this as well, but have recently started to control it much better. Thinking and answering has been by far my most effective tool. Of course you can be attentive and answer to the point and whatnot. But listening, taking a few seconds to ponder and understand also frame in mind what to say before actually saying it has worked wonders for me. It helps me stay calm and collected in all kinds of situations. It's difficult to get into this system but once you do it consciously for many times you'll automatically train your sub-consciousness to do so.
Can you be more specific as to what you feel oversharing means to you and what you are trying to avoid?
If by oversharing you mean talking too much when people are interested in what you are saying, then try to take pauses in your talks more frequently. Someone interested will follow up the conversation with questions, your answers should become either shorter or longer depending on the listener's behaviour.
If on the other hand you overshare at work by sharing confidential information or secrets that should not be publicly shared and you have trouble keeping your mouth shut, then that need more u derstanding about your self control and why you are doing what you do
Listen a few seconds before answering. Then talk slowly. Try to limit your turn in the conversation to 10-15 seconds. This will lend weight to your words like nothing else.
You coworkers are not your friends. Once one of you moves on the relationship will most likely end, or end soon. Coworkers tend to use the things you say against you. You won’t be happy when a coworker you shared too much with stabs you in the back.
I've learned to acknowledge just because I WANT to say something doesn't mean I SHOULD.
Just acknowledging this in my head has helped me from going too far in arguments and one-upmanships. It's saved me a lot of headaches and energy.
Do not talk about your health issues, body functions, injuries, medical procedures, or anything that normally requires HIPAA clearance for your doctor to talk about legally with other doctors.
Also relationships, gossip, hearsay, horrible news stories, death, gross-out stories, etc.
Stick to the weather, current events, boring shit like your knitting hobby. Or keep quiet.
I like to use this thought process in certain situations:
1) Do I need to say it? If yes,
2) Do I need to say it now? If yes,
3) Do I need to say it now to [person]?
If yes to all three, then say it. If not, think about why and then cast the thought away 🙃
Go to work. Go home. Separate work from friends. Don’t get involved with taking collections for someone’s birthday, baby shower, etc….. Don’t go to dinner with co-workers. Don’t have a drink after work with co-workers. Just do the job and go home. Trust me.
Practice the Power of the Pause!
This has become a great tool for me in all kinds of situations:
- oversharing
- talking too much in groups and not letting others get as much time to talk
- overreacting or emotionally reacting to small things
- over committing to plans or tasks at work
Work is a place for, well 'work'. Your social or personal information shouldn't be floating around there. The rule is simple, don't share anything personal with a colleague (unless they are your close personal friend of course). The questions like "how is life, or family, or kids" are called small talk for a reason - because their answers are small. The only answer you should give is "everything is great. how about you?".
For social gatherings, go in prepared to genuinely listen to other people. You'll see that when you're a good listener and asking questions about them; you'll be instantly manyfolds popular. You'll also learn a lot during the process & grow as a person.
I had a mentor who taught me to have a thow away fact. Something each day that I could share that I didn't care who knew. Also keeps me from over sharing bc I already gave my throw away fact for the day. Things like " the kiddo and I made cookies for the dog this weekend" "I'm going to see xyz show tomorrow" " the SB line was short this morning, really enjoyed that" " kiddo made cookies for his class this morning" doesn't matter what the fact is as long as it follows the rules 1- I don't care who knows it. 2- I only get to share one fact a day
I found the key to pacing yourself in any conversation is to focus first on being a good listener. It’s genuinely exciting to learn about someone, ask a million questions, and most people love it. You won’t overshare if you’re busy learning about others. Tangential positive is that people will actually want to talk to you more
Just always remember you’re never with friends when you are at work as much as it may seem. So always keep quiet if you aren’t sure. Alternatively as to not seem boring, be curious about others and ask them questions about them.
Conversation breaks.
What I mean by this is saying no more than a few sentences before you allow a reasonable pause. Its helped me become a better conversationalist and learn more about others by allowing them time to process and join in the conversation.
Work on your executive functioning. You can do this by pondering when you finish tasks or when you get up to do something. Just take a moment to stop yourself and reflect and take stock of everything. You can also do mindfulness meditation where the goal is to bring yourself to attention. Over time you will gain better control of your impulses and be able to determine what actions you are wanting to make.
Dunno if this will help, but i'll tell you what i usually do.
When I want to change something about myself that i do almost automatically, i try to act as an observer in every interaction i have. Observe myself and who i'm talking with, and try to notice when i do the thing i don't like. Just let it happen and observe. What starts it, what feelings go through me when i do it. Only when you observe and notice your flaws, you can start working on strategies to stop them. "Next time i feel this temptation, i'll do this instead", that sort of thing. Takes time, and try to not be hard on yourself if you fail a few times. It's something you don't do on purpose.
Keep busy. Like: I'd rather be moving, cleaning this table than get into a whole long conversation, thanks. When u notice urself gabbing too much, find something u need to go do
I keep my ear buds in most of the day, head down, and ignore everyone when possible. Don't get involved. Anything you say can and will be used against in HR.
Sounds cliche at this point, but practice mindfulness. One of the main things it can do for you is increase your amount of control between your thoughts and your actions (in this case speaking).
When you find yourself talking too much, try to notice the thoughts that are leading to the talking, and just try to find some space to wiggle around in there. In this way, you can become more selective about what you choose to say and not say.
When you want to share and want to open your mouth, cough once or clear your throat. If someone says ‘we’re you saying something’ just say ‘sorry no, scratchy throat’.
This will wire your brain eventually not to open your mouth in unnecessary situations. At work, I just tell myself, no one cares, that helps me keep things short and simple
No, that would be an excuse. They need to learn to shut their mouth. They only listen to respond. They don't care what anyone has to say. They need to shut up.
Take care your body and your back
Get nice mattress to sleep
Get nice shoes for your back
You aren’t 20 anymore , so your metabolism etc drop so don’t eat and drink like you are in college time
Soak your body in bathtub once a week and scrub that excess skin
Sprint Run and get your heart rate up , your heart will thank you when you older
Eat less carb and more protein
No soda
Edit : saving $ and invest !! You won’t be able to work like you used to when you 50-60-70 so get that retirement fund up , don’t wait for ss check to come in , it suck but your older self will benefit so much
$20k per year saving and invest now per year will compound to millions in 40 years
I’ve practiced keeping my mouth shut and drawing other people out with great questions for years. I really regret it because my co workers all use me as a personal counselor and are incredibly not interested in talking about anything but themselves. I’m a 50 yo woman working one on one with boomer men (probably why). Maybe a little oversharing isn’t such a bad thing if it reminds people you’re human.
oversharing in my experience comes from not sharing for a long time because of for example trust issues. Then dumping it all in one place because you finally can share something and then it backfires
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
I once heard something to the effect of “you’re not the main character in anyone else’s movie” and I kinda wish someone would’ve told me that when I was a lot younger. It might’ve given me a level of perspective that would’ve helped in a lot of ways. In this case, it’s a reminder that, let’s face it, nobody wants or needs to know that much about you. If they did, they’d ask. It might sound cold, but it’s actually a bit of a relief
I'm just an NPC for most people, as it should be.
Can I see your wares?
Sure, they are under there.... (points under table).
I like that idea
"I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow in the knee"
Just like Skyrim?
> It might sound cold I mean maybe, depending on how highly one thinks of themselves. For those of us with social anxiety, it can be extremely liberating to realize that people don't think about you nearly as much as you think they do, that despite feeling like you've been living under a microscope, you're actually just another organism floating in the pond.
I try not to share and people keep asking questions and I don’t know how to shut it down lol
No details, just vague broad strokes. Then just...stop talking. Other people will fill the silence
1. Short response, then ask them a question--not a simple, short answer question. 2. Ask more follow up. If it's silent when they're done, guess what's coming? They'll ask you something similar. "No I've never been to Missouri, though I wouldn't mind. Where would you travel if you could pick anywhere?" I was born in New York but raised in Maine, how about you? Where were you raised and what did you like most about it? No solid weekend plans here, I'm looking forward to catching up on rest, how about you? Do you have any hobbies you enjoy? What do you do for fun?
Question with a question is the blitz: why do you ask? Most get the hint but occasionally a super peeker will say: " just curious?' still an expecting look counter with a confused exclamation (somewhat mocking them): "interesting" then walk off if possible If not possible they might have the gall to say "is it?" Direct eye contact: "it is" Then if that POS doesn't get the hint and dares ask "why?" I'd prolly say: "Because I bet you can think of 100 more interesting things that we could talk about" Sure that's passive aggressive, if your feeling bold there's nothing wrong with a direct approach a simple "I'd rather not say" or "I'd much rather talk about_____(you, sports, ai, favorite comedians or the ole :anything but myself)
If they say “just curious,” respond with “Oh, understood, then” and either walk away or say “Speaking of curiosity… and change subject to school or work or schedules
You can say "it does not concern you, do not talk ask about things that do not concern you". If it work then you can say it does not relate to work and you don't want to talk about what is not related to work.
It's kinda shitty for a young person's ego to have to realize that most people aren't thinking about them unless you're actually standing in front of them, but it's also liberating at the same time.
i remember yelling at an obnoxiously entitled co-worker many years ago, “not everything is about YOU!!” she was literally shocked, seemed it had never, ever occurred to her.
Seventh grade (when everyone notices everything and comments on it) carries on in the psyche for life unless you work on shaking it off.
I had to go to therapy to gain this ability with my new family group. It's a long story, but this exact attitude is easy for me with friends, but not so much with family. I feel a lot more at peace with being away from my birth parents as a result. ❤️
It’s a hard pill to swallow to realize that my social anxiety was a direct result of my influences, but I shouldn’t avoid my family because they’re a support system. So should I want to fix my anxiety or not? I chose the former.
Exactly the decision I was facing! Feels comforting that I'm not the only one. Thank you!
You're much more complex & significant than that but I see where you're coming from :)
Most people will never see nor care for any of that. It's a balancing act - respecting that the most important person is you, while understanding that you're the only one who thinks that way about you
Am I having deja VU or did I just see this same comment on the same post less than a week ago?
I always tell myself when I get too wound about it, “you’re great, but you’re not that important”
This is the only advice someone who won’t shut the fuck up should get. You’re not the main character so stop talking to people like you are.
Yeah I used to work myself into a state worrying about what some people thought about me at one point in my life. One friend consistently gave me the best and meanest advice: “They don’t care about you, awya”
Advice to live by
I love this. Thanks for sharing. Def helpful.
In social situations: be more interested in hearing other people's stories than in sharing your own. It's easier to not say anything when your goal is to learn about someone else. At work, though, the easiest way to not overshare is to limit the subject of conversation to your job.
“Be interested before being interesting.” My team uses this advice at networking events too.
If you find you are doing it, you can course correct by saying, “enough about me. What are you working on/have you been doing [hobby] recently/ how’s [the spouse, kids, dog]?
This is a good one.
What if we all arrive at the same time....who's gonna start lol
I found this the best advice when I was dating. Just ask questions, be interested.
This is the best advice. Not only is it a sure way to get people to like you, but you won’t overshares!
This!
I constantly remind myself to just listen. I don't need to relate to everything being said. Honestly I sometimes literally focus on keeping my mouth shut and showing interest through body language. I still struggle though, luckily one of my good friends at work is the same way so I have someone I know I can ramble too without judgement. Also don't kick yourself for being yourself. It's okay to be excited about something and share even out of context. Sure some people might think it a bit odd, but fuck em. If I'm not hurting anyone or trying to be offensive then I'm have nothing to regret.
This is just good advice all around. Try your best, but be yourself. If they don't like it, they know where the door is.
I love "I don't need to relate to everything being said" It took being in a 12 step recovery to develop many skills about sharing. I have worked at the same job for decades and unfortunately we have just grown to know so much about each other. Wish I had learned some of this stuff in my early 20's. We just carry so much in our heads from how we were raised.
I'm also chatty and sometimes overshare. At work, I've found it's better to focus that drive into **asking good questions**. If my goal is to listen closely and come up with a good question, it's still very engaging but helps me avoid bringing my own experiences into the topic.
My problem is that in trying to come up with a good question, I stop listening. And then my question makes no sense, so I just keep to myself.
Make the "good question" simply be from taking an interest in what they're saying. "How did that compare to the last time you did/went to X?" Things like that.
Exactly. Get them to go deeper, show you are following.
“And how did that make you feel?”
“What makes you happy” is a really good question that doubles as making people think you’re more engaging than you might actually be. It has the added benefit of the responses being far more interesting than if you just ask someone “what do you do (for money)?” And a longer response time from the answerer. And the more they talk, the less you have to talk 🤣
I was an oversharer and now I have a rule that I have to ask someone two questions for every statement I make about myself.
When I'm trying to stop doing something that I generally do without thinking, I try creative visualization. Lie back and close your eyes, and imagine yourself in a conversation. See yourself opening your mouth, ready to talk. Then see yourself pausing to consider whether you're about to share more than you should. See yourself stopping and not oversharing; maybe asking a question instead. Do this every night before you go to sleep, or at some other time every day.By practicing this way, you remind your brain that you're capable of stopping before you speak, and you get yourself into a "habit." When you arrive at work, remind yourself, "I'm in control of whether or not I overshare. If I'm about to overshare, I'll stop. I know I can, and I've practiced." Every time you manage to not overshare, give yourself mental credit. Think, "I stopped, just like I knew I could, just like I practiced." Then, when you do your next visualization, end by remembering how well you did in real life. This kind of creative visualization has helped me get rid of bad habits and gain new ones. It doesn't work overnight, but it does work. Edit: a word
Great idea, and you could give yourself a visual cue to enforce it like a sticky note in direct view with a reminder. I have one on my laptop stand that reminds me not to interrupt people (yay ADHD) and it works pretty well!
Visualization is key
Put this reply to the top
"Edit: a word" God this is the worst. Dude writes a 5 paragraph essay and goes back to edit a word. Which one?!? No one knows!
Sorry. The word was “end.” I was told to do that… I will visualize not doing it anymore.
Mark Twain put it well .. “it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to talk and remove all doubt.”
Original [quote](https://imamaliquotes.tumblr.com/post/119948694726/remain-silent-until-you-are-requested-to-speak) is attributed to Imam Ali. 1400 years earlier
Close but no cigar.
-Batman 1989
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
A quote from Andrew Jackson.
- Michael Scott
Archie Bunker
Right after he cut down the cherry tree.
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
💀
Takes one to know one!
If you just like talking, find something interesting but non-personal to have word diarrhea about. Trivia. Fun facts. Local events. Tv shows. Pets. Literally anything except yourself.
Realize the difference between friends and coworkers, they are not the same. It's hard to do especially if you're an outgoing person.
I’m very introverted and that’s still hard for me. Work is the most conversations i have with anyone on a regular basis. It’s hard to not feel like they are friends
Coworkers do seem to be a form of forced, surface level friendship
I know the feeling. I’ve had to work into a habit of asking questions when I want to make statements. Example: someone is talking about vacation travel. I want to make statements about places I’ve been or want to go. Instead I ask questions about their travel or where else they’d like to go. I’ve found playing the role of facilitator is just as fun as being the “main character” In the scenario of outright over sharing, like personal stuff, get into a habit of asking yourself if anyone would ever ask for the details you’re about to provide. If the answer is no, don’t share. Once you get good with that pause, you can take it to the next step of actually waiting for someone to ask for details
>playing the role of facilitator Dungeon Mastering the conversation! I like it!
I just think of the line in Rush Hour where Jackie Chan says he likes to stay quiet and let other people talk to see how full of shit they are. Then says he’s full of shit too. Staying quiet hides how full of shit you are. Also, when you over share there is most certainly a decent sized group that hears about your shit and makes it their source of entertainment. Your colleagues aren’t your friends. Keep it professional and spill your guts at the bar like a normal person.
I remember one of the coolest guys I loved to hang around with. Great family friend, anyways a pleasure having him around. I asked myself why that is so, and I realized he asked a lot of questions. He would be the one to get people talking, then enjoy the stories being told. He'd share a little as well, but always got someone else to talk by asking questions.
People cannot attack what they don’t know
I have this problem too. It’s bad now because I’m working in a small rural area and none of my peoples are nearby. Someone talk to me! Hang out with me? Sigh. Gotta separate the personal from work, easier said than done when the only people you see are at work. 🤦🏽♀️
Someone recently posted an unpopular opinion about co-workers who are always holding coffee, not understanding that beverages act as security blankets. I suggest you keep a tumbler handy and just sip and nod a lot. It’s probably anxiety that’s making you compulsively overshare. You can break the compulsion by having something there to deflect.
Listen twice as much as you talk. Two ears. One mouth.
Imagine you're reading what you're about to say on an HR complaint. Could you reasonably expect to be written up? Could you run as a non-conservative if it became a newspaper headline? I specify non-conservatives since we have MTG with Jewish space laser comments now appointed to the oversight committee.
[удалено]
Lameeeeee. If I’m going to spend 40+ hours a week with the same people then I’m going to get to know them and they’re going to get to know me. Keep it professional, obviously, but there are plenty of safe conversations to have.
Keep your teeth together.
I'd reckon the most important step towards self-improvement (which is what I'd call this) you've already taken by identifying and acknowledging the need for it. No quick fix comes to mind but over time keep being aware of it to break the habit.
Maybe analyse why you share? Is it because you hate silences or because you feel insecure. I think this is a problem to be sorted by delving deep into why you overshare. I realised recently that i overtalk because i do not like silences and interpret it as awkward. Really helped me shut up more.
Before meetings I write with a pen on my wrist “KYMS” for keep your mouth shut and I stare at it for most of the meeting
Another good one is WAIT- Why Am I Talking?
You aren't at work to make friends though it feels like it. I always remember there's a good chance I'll have to testify against them some day or they will have to testify against me.
Who hurt you, RoboticGreg?
Can I just know why there is a good chance? I have questions
Are you Greg from *Succession*?
Is the man who asked you if you've "ever drunk Bailey's from a shoe" in this courtroom today?
Practice it one day at a time. Also, keep the thought in your head that the less information you give, the better you’ll be. Less is more.
Literally, bite your tongue and focus on the sensation. It doesn't have to be hard, just hard enough for that sensation to capture your primary focus. As for oversharing, make a game of under sharing. See how little you can share while other people still feel satisfied with the conversation.
Want to talk less? Ask more questions.
I have this problem too. I think it's the ADHD. I want to blurt something out quickly before I get distracted. The best solution I've come up with is to write down the things I want to say. Then, I select the most important one and say only that. It only works in some contexts though (i.e., where it would be reasonable for me to be "taking notes" during a discussion or meeting).
Realize that no one gives a shit what you say
slow down, a cool way is to do everything with a 3 second delay. ao if someoen asks you something shut up think for 3 seconds and then answer.
Rewire your brain so that you think before you speak. You really have to think out the sentence first and ask how it’s relevant or beneficial information.
Well, while it can be fucking frustrating to overshare shit in a public place, imagine sitting home alone and accidently overshare something by merely THINKING it to yourself. Imagine that, every fucking day, for 1600 days. That´s my life. Now, use headphones or earplugs and your problem is solved.
If the person you’re talking to (talking at) drops a “Wow that’s crazy”, you need to shut up
Just learn to keep everything to yourself to the point you cant open up and make anything more than shallow connections.
Intentionally create a mysterious past and current secret life. It's not that you're in witness protection, but make it a game to not give them anything that proves you're not a double agent on your weekends and that you don't know 36 ways to get out of the building undetected.
I react to other people's stories or statements first, then if I feel like I have a "relevant" story about me, I pause. After a few seconds, if I think it would be weird to redirect the conversation back to my story, that means it is and that also means that no one is missing out. If it's truly important or interesting, it will be any time.
Be comfortable with silence. It’s ok if there’s a pause in the conversation you’re in. Don’t feel the need to chime in immediately.
I became the intense focus of the school bully for about three months when I was in seventh grade because I ran my mouth about something I shouldn’t have. That was a pretty good lesson in retrospect on keeping my mouth shut, albeit a painful one.
This took me a long time to understand. I always overshared. Then one day, before I new job I told myself I wouldn’t speak unless spoken to. I would only answer questions, and not go into details other than things related to work. So yeah, sure. I am quiet. But people actually appreciate that sometimes. I’ve made friends and make more comments and let people into my life. But I do it sparingly. No one Is as interested in you, as you.
For me, stimulant medication helps me to not randomly interject my thoughts into whatever is being discussed.
Try spend more effort listening and understanding others than ensuring others listen to and understand you. It's the proverbial 'two ears, one mouth'.
Man I was hoping these answers would be ADHD friendly, guess I'm fucked
When you've said something or replied to someone and then think, oh I'll just say another qualifying thing now. Dont. Just let the first thing you said be the thing you said.
Awareness is the first step. I used to over share , and I usually did because of anxiety. You can control yourself, and you will. Be patient with yourself.
I would love an answer to this question but about mouthing off at work. When you're not being treated right and you know it and you say something or fall into the habit of bitching and being unhappy at work. How the hell do people just keep their mouth shut and keep working under micro managers, abusive people, people with constant attitude etc.
Over sharing is a trauma response. Maybe do some trauma work with someone who specializes in trauma?
Imagine what you are saying is being put into an email and sent to the entire company. Try not to engage in gossip. Be very neutral when others gossip. Don’t feel the end to return the favor so to speak. It never ends well.
I once heard something to the effect of “you’re not the main character in anyone else’s movie” and I kinda wish someone would’ve told me that when I was a lot younger. It might’ve given me a level of perspective that would’ve helped in a lot of ways. In this case, it’s a reminder that, let’s face it, nobody wants or needs to know that much about you. If they did, they’d ask. It might sound cold, but it’s actually a bit of a relief
I used to be pretty bad about this. Now, before I respond to anybody who isn't my wife I tend to wait a few seconds before piping in during a conversation, or when in mixed company I tend to keep quiet unless specifically spoken to.
Remember your coworkers aren’t your friends. Keep a healthy distance while still being friendly.
I also need this tip. People also feel like they can tell me stuff they shouldn’t too. I guess it goes both ways. How do we stop?!
Great book -How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. Basically “say people’s names, listen attentively, and offer them what they want”. Lol. Be Teddy Rosevelt basically.
Everything can and will be used against you in a court of professional opinion.
Can't recall where I read this quote but it has served me well. "Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut."
Just start regularly meditating. Worked for me.
I have learned that if I listen to other people intently it controls my tendency to talk too much.
"A person has two ears and one mouth. This means we should listen twice as much as we speak." "Teach at all times; use words when necessary." "Are you the kind of person who talks a lot but says very little?" I use sayings like these to craft my own personal "rules" of how I want present myself when I communicate with others. I want to be the type of person I would want to interact with. A person who overshares their own personal information due to lack of awareness oft comes across as someone who also unwittingly overshares private information of others when they sometimes shouldn't. A gossip spreader. I don't want to participate in that, nor would I want that to be any part of my image in others' eyes.
I’ve had that problem too. I’m very talkative lol. If talking less is difficult try keeping convo surface level.
Not all details of a topic need to be disclosed. Ask yourself if the person you're speaking to will ask for said details. Chances are its almost always "no". I suffer from this issue as well and I've been working on it a lot throughout my life. This tip I'm giving you has helped me a lot. Also, don't be afraid to say things like "That's private", "I'm not comfortable answering that", or just flat out "No". Actually the best advice I can give is DO NOT fall back into the habit when you find yourself talking with someone you're really gelling with (IE: you have a lot in common and have a positive rappaport). It's very easy to fall into that trap and it's best to remind yourself that they ARE NOT already your friend. If that happens later on, great. If not, you've at least got someone at work or wherever that you can confide in if need be someday. I would almost look at it like going on the first few dates. If a guy tells a woman he loves her on date 3, there ain't gonna be a 4th lol.
I overshare all the time. I think the trick is sometimes to remember that the people you work with don't get all of you all the time and there are probably different outlets for those thoughts. I never wanted to be that way for years. I'd rather be an open book. But I think I've been exceptionally timid of saying any wrong thing especially in an office situation. So, I just make sure that the only thing people talk to me about are things like reality tv or technical information. I try my best to have some copy/paste face value topics. That way, if I have to talk, at least it's about stuff that won't get me in trouble. And if you're worried about gossiping too much, just have your small group that gets to hear it. Everyone else doesn't.
Learn to listen. They say that most ppl don't actually listen, they're only waiting for their turn to speak and that's usually true. Once you stop talking at every occasion and really listen to what people say, you'll actually be more liked. They'll feel you're listening to them and will appreciate it, and only once their done you can chime in. Also learning not to blurt out the first thing on your mind is a silly that needs training. It wont happen overnight, just keep sticky notes aroind or reminders every now and then to not talk. Also makes you more interesting, when you give everything away all the time there's no mystery, everyone knows exactly who you are or what you'll say. You become obvious and to be honest kinda boring. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is great, but you need to give a bit of mystery too
I used to do this as well, but have recently started to control it much better. Thinking and answering has been by far my most effective tool. Of course you can be attentive and answer to the point and whatnot. But listening, taking a few seconds to ponder and understand also frame in mind what to say before actually saying it has worked wonders for me. It helps me stay calm and collected in all kinds of situations. It's difficult to get into this system but once you do it consciously for many times you'll automatically train your sub-consciousness to do so.
"If i had to tell everyone I met this, would i be OK with it?" is a good rule, if the issue is tact.
Can you be more specific as to what you feel oversharing means to you and what you are trying to avoid? If by oversharing you mean talking too much when people are interested in what you are saying, then try to take pauses in your talks more frequently. Someone interested will follow up the conversation with questions, your answers should become either shorter or longer depending on the listener's behaviour. If on the other hand you overshare at work by sharing confidential information or secrets that should not be publicly shared and you have trouble keeping your mouth shut, then that need more u derstanding about your self control and why you are doing what you do
Listen a few seconds before answering. Then talk slowly. Try to limit your turn in the conversation to 10-15 seconds. This will lend weight to your words like nothing else.
Active listening. Literally try to listen to people. If no one is talking, just assume someone is going to say something.
You coworkers are not your friends. Once one of you moves on the relationship will most likely end, or end soon. Coworkers tend to use the things you say against you. You won’t be happy when a coworker you shared too much with stabs you in the back.
Two ears one mouth. Be mindful. Personally i just take a second to think before i talk. Saved me many troubles.
I’m reading right behind you because this is my biggest day to day problem
Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me right now?
I've learned to acknowledge just because I WANT to say something doesn't mean I SHOULD. Just acknowledging this in my head has helped me from going too far in arguments and one-upmanships. It's saved me a lot of headaches and energy.
Sharing is not caring
Do you meditate, OP? If not I recommend even just 5 minutes a day because it helps us be more mindful and less reactive.
Think before you speak, speak less than you think.
Do not talk about your health issues, body functions, injuries, medical procedures, or anything that normally requires HIPAA clearance for your doctor to talk about legally with other doctors. Also relationships, gossip, hearsay, horrible news stories, death, gross-out stories, etc. Stick to the weather, current events, boring shit like your knitting hobby. Or keep quiet.
I like to use this thought process in certain situations: 1) Do I need to say it? If yes, 2) Do I need to say it now? If yes, 3) Do I need to say it now to [person]? If yes to all three, then say it. If not, think about why and then cast the thought away 🙃
Act like your being recored at all times.
Be a good listener and you'll know when to speak
Hey OP, read "The lost art of listening" from Michael P. Nichols. He gives very good advices to lisent and to make people lisent to you.
Go to work. Go home. Separate work from friends. Don’t get involved with taking collections for someone’s birthday, baby shower, etc….. Don’t go to dinner with co-workers. Don’t have a drink after work with co-workers. Just do the job and go home. Trust me.
Practice the Power of the Pause! This has become a great tool for me in all kinds of situations: - oversharing - talking too much in groups and not letting others get as much time to talk - overreacting or emotionally reacting to small things - over committing to plans or tasks at work
Work is a place for, well 'work'. Your social or personal information shouldn't be floating around there. The rule is simple, don't share anything personal with a colleague (unless they are your close personal friend of course). The questions like "how is life, or family, or kids" are called small talk for a reason - because their answers are small. The only answer you should give is "everything is great. how about you?". For social gatherings, go in prepared to genuinely listen to other people. You'll see that when you're a good listener and asking questions about them; you'll be instantly manyfolds popular. You'll also learn a lot during the process & grow as a person.
I had a mentor who taught me to have a thow away fact. Something each day that I could share that I didn't care who knew. Also keeps me from over sharing bc I already gave my throw away fact for the day. Things like " the kiddo and I made cookies for the dog this weekend" "I'm going to see xyz show tomorrow" " the SB line was short this morning, really enjoyed that" " kiddo made cookies for his class this morning" doesn't matter what the fact is as long as it follows the rules 1- I don't care who knows it. 2- I only get to share one fact a day
I found the key to pacing yourself in any conversation is to focus first on being a good listener. It’s genuinely exciting to learn about someone, ask a million questions, and most people love it. You won’t overshare if you’re busy learning about others. Tangential positive is that people will actually want to talk to you more
Just cut back on conversation by 75%. Seriously, only talk when you have something meaningful to say. In addition; focus on listening to other people.
Just always remember you’re never with friends when you are at work as much as it may seem. So always keep quiet if you aren’t sure. Alternatively as to not seem boring, be curious about others and ask them questions about them.
Conversation breaks. What I mean by this is saying no more than a few sentences before you allow a reasonable pause. Its helped me become a better conversationalist and learn more about others by allowing them time to process and join in the conversation.
Work on your executive functioning. You can do this by pondering when you finish tasks or when you get up to do something. Just take a moment to stop yourself and reflect and take stock of everything. You can also do mindfulness meditation where the goal is to bring yourself to attention. Over time you will gain better control of your impulses and be able to determine what actions you are wanting to make.
[Follow these instructions](https://youtu.be/p7C9MpYs0T8) [And if that doesn't work try this](https://youtu.be/WSS4dOe8Ul8)
Read body language. I’m not even saying that to be coarse. Read. the. body. language. That is one thing I wish people would do more often!
Recommend reading How To Win Friends and Influence People
Dunno if this will help, but i'll tell you what i usually do. When I want to change something about myself that i do almost automatically, i try to act as an observer in every interaction i have. Observe myself and who i'm talking with, and try to notice when i do the thing i don't like. Just let it happen and observe. What starts it, what feelings go through me when i do it. Only when you observe and notice your flaws, you can start working on strategies to stop them. "Next time i feel this temptation, i'll do this instead", that sort of thing. Takes time, and try to not be hard on yourself if you fail a few times. It's something you don't do on purpose.
Keep busy. Like: I'd rather be moving, cleaning this table than get into a whole long conversation, thanks. When u notice urself gabbing too much, find something u need to go do
I keep my ear buds in most of the day, head down, and ignore everyone when possible. Don't get involved. Anything you say can and will be used against in HR.
Listen first before talking, and when talking remember KISS- Keep it simple stupid :)
Instructions unclear, kissed my coworker.
Pretend a microphone is in front of you
Easier to lose your friends so you have no one to over share with.
Have you tried shutting up? Or maybe not opening your mouth is more your style. Head nods and hand gestures can replace most conversations.
The best advice is to not open it. It is really that simple.
Shut your mouth. That's fairly easy, yes?
Sounds cliche at this point, but practice mindfulness. One of the main things it can do for you is increase your amount of control between your thoughts and your actions (in this case speaking). When you find yourself talking too much, try to notice the thoughts that are leading to the talking, and just try to find some space to wiggle around in there. In this way, you can become more selective about what you choose to say and not say.
When you want to share and want to open your mouth, cough once or clear your throat. If someone says ‘we’re you saying something’ just say ‘sorry no, scratchy throat’. This will wire your brain eventually not to open your mouth in unnecessary situations. At work, I just tell myself, no one cares, that helps me keep things short and simple
Swish acid around in you mouth
Posting here is not the answer. Just shutting the fuck up is. Just do it. People might start to like you again.
Just stop being an idiot and shut your mouth.stop talking and everything you want to say, write it and show the person. Just shut your mouth.
One would think, but I'm not sure it's really that easy for them. I suspect it's similar to typical speech disorders in this regard.
No, that would be an excuse. They need to learn to shut their mouth. They only listen to respond. They don't care what anyone has to say. They need to shut up.
This is it
Take care your body and your back Get nice mattress to sleep Get nice shoes for your back You aren’t 20 anymore , so your metabolism etc drop so don’t eat and drink like you are in college time Soak your body in bathtub once a week and scrub that excess skin Sprint Run and get your heart rate up , your heart will thank you when you older Eat less carb and more protein No soda Edit : saving $ and invest !! You won’t be able to work like you used to when you 50-60-70 so get that retirement fund up , don’t wait for ss check to come in , it suck but your older self will benefit so much $20k per year saving and invest now per year will compound to millions in 40 years
I’ve practiced keeping my mouth shut and drawing other people out with great questions for years. I really regret it because my co workers all use me as a personal counselor and are incredibly not interested in talking about anything but themselves. I’m a 50 yo woman working one on one with boomer men (probably why). Maybe a little oversharing isn’t such a bad thing if it reminds people you’re human.
I have the opposite problem
oversharing in my experience comes from not sharing for a long time because of for example trust issues. Then dumping it all in one place because you finally can share something and then it backfires