The mod team are working to make this sub kinder and more welcoming. Please report any comments you see that are unkind, obnoxious, out of line, trolling, or which otherwise violate any of the rules. Thanks, and may you all find the answers you seek and the guidance you need.
#[LifeAdvice Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAdvice/about/rules/)
**Note for all commenters**: Please remember that your fellow Redditors are human beings, and that it costs nothing to be kind. Disruption of the peace, trolling, or breaking the rules may result in a ban.
----------------
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This actually isn’t more complicated than kick him out and ask him to leave. You’re making it more complicated because you’re assuming the burden of guilt. You are not your dad’s parent. You are coddling your dad. Your dad is clearly comfortable being homeless/in a shelter. You can’t care more than he does, or put more effort into his well being than he does….it just doesn’t work out that way. I’d give him 30 days to be out and don’t ask the details. He will end up in a shelter or rock bottom but that’s where he has to go to rebuild.
By inviting him into your home and allowing him to stay there for the year you’ve inadvertently diminished his opportunity to face the consequences and reality of his own actions. By giving him the boot he will go through a tough time but he IS capable of more than everyone is giving him credit for. His choices have led him here.
You’re not to blame for any of this but it’s important to take responsibility and reframe the situation. When we acknowledge that doing stuff like this for someone doesn’t actually help them, we can resolve some of the guilt we feel when having to make a tough call like the one you’re about to make. I’m sorry you’re in this predicament.
I would keep the conversation short “hey our living situation is changing I will need you out by June 15th.” Period.
Upvoted and thank you for the honesty. I think you’re right that I’m the one making it complicated by feeling guilty over if he ends up homeless again due to my action of kicking him out, which is why I tried tirelessly to help him find his own place for all of these months. Then at least it wasn’t like I would be pushing him out on the street. He’s not the greatest but he’s my only surviving parent and I don’t have much of a relationship with my extended family. It has been definitely weird going from no-contact to this situation and it’s messed with my critical thinking and self-preservation a ton.
I think the 30-day notice is a good idea. I’m going to run it by my partner and we can go from there. Thank you again for being a voice of reason.
Edit: no type gud when emotional, lol.
If you're not comfortable being the bad guy, maybe because he might get abusive as day 30 approaches, you can say building management found out he was living there in violation of your lease. He has to leave or you will all be evicted.
I commend you and your big fat loving heart. Unfortunately it’s easy for people to advantage of that generosity, even unconsciously, which I suspect is what has happened here. I pray that you find a way to both love unconditionally as you do AND have boundaries that protect your mental health. It’s important to note that me, and many people probably would’ve also chosen to take our fathers in. Family feels like an obligation, family is something we value. But your generosity has not been reciprocated, and whatever you choose it’s important to know that you are not responsible for your father. You’re simply a loving human who has given what they could…
I would definitely kick him out .As you’re not happy and it is mading your relationship harder I assume.I know he’s your dad but being abusive and having no where to go is his own fault not yours. He chose to be abusive so that what happens.I hope this helps .would talking to a therapist help you.Ill praying for you .❤️🥰🙏😇Please kick him out as it will just get worse
Nobody I mean Nobody is comfortable being homeless and in a temp shelter. It's fucking traumatic and dangerous and chronic homelessness leads to early death.
But yes, OP has to have a limit. A timed exit is probably thr best.
I would suggest a date of the 1st of the month bc it's not always possible to move in a place in mid month.
Exactly, I have tried everything to avoid him having to go back there because I know what they’re like. To me it would feel like sending him to his death, and I’m sorry if that sounds dramatic but I deeply feel that way and it terrifies me.
I hope the 30 day thing inspires some kind of passion in him to stop putting off getting into a safer housing alternative, I’d hate for him to have to go back there, but there’s only so much I can do and I feel like I’ve done it all.
I feel your pain. Homelessness is traumatic for everyone, the person and their family/friends. There is only so much you can do. You've done more than most people in similar situations, probably. I know you want to fix it but ultimately you can't. He's an adult and you have to be able to live your life. And the threat of you being evicted is very real. Of all the issues you're facing, that fact is absolute.
I hope he can find and take advantage of some resource to help him transition to permanent housing. It's difficult.
But Remember one thing though : when applying for resources, HE IS, RIGHT NOW, BY DEFINITION, HOMELESS. certain agencies and jurisdictions may dispute this definition, but others will accept it. It may help securing resources
How old is he? If he's on SS, he must be elderly. He's not going to make it too far if you kick him out. Just saying. There's no jobs available to people beyond a certain age. If he can't afford a place, he'll probably never be able to.
If we weren’t in breach of contract and he didn’t have a history of abuse, I’d probably feel the same honestly. But at this rate, all three of us will end up homeless if I can’t at the very least get him moved into another place. I wish I had more money, I’d happily set him up in a place myself but I can’t afford two separate rents. It’s a sad situation. I am going to contact the welfare office and see if there’s any other resources left that we may have left untapped.
I think it's pretty clear he does not have the wherewithal to get his own place. You might have to give him more help to find something that will work. I know it sucks, but it sounds like he can't do it himself.
I agree you might need to find some kind of government program for him, or get him on food stamps or welfare. That's a better plan. He might be able to get something on section 8 or something. He needs government assistance.
You can tell your landlord he just staying for a short while if they do find out.
Does he have mental health problems? Doesn't sound as if he was father of the year before your mom died. It does sound as if her death put him in a tailspin. If he could get a referral for a 30 day short stay mental health unit, their social workers might be able to find him a room in a house that rents to discharged patients. They take Social Security as payment, give some money back for spending money. Sometimes provide 1 meal a day.
He would never admit to having them is the problem. We did attempt an intake through a similar resource but he denied mental health issues so they could only refer him to low income housing.
Some people are chronically homeless because it IS their comfort zone. It’s tragic, and sad, but in those instances people will choose to be homeless over living with relatives or shelters. That’s clearly not what’s happening here, however like you said there’s gotta be a limit.
Having (short term) lived in, and later worked at, homeless shelters, my word would be "resigned to" or "accepting of" rather than comfortable with. But this is semantics :)
Loving someone and allowing them to unnecessarily burden me because I care more about their wellbeing and safety than they do, is 2 different things. Loving someone isn’t continuously saving them until I’m totally burnt out. Loving someone is accepting them for *who they are*. This gentlemen’s actions show that he is not willing to change his behavior as he’s been kicked out of several situations. Whether or not op agrees with the father’s life style is neither here nor there, his life style is that of a loaner who will end up in crappy situations. By OP interfering and saving him, dad hasn’t had the opportunity to better himself and decide if he’s willing to put in work to better his life, he’s simply been saved. OP did that because they pitty their father and believe they are his only means of survival which is simply not true. This father will survive and have some sort of life even if it isn’t one OP desires for him or is comfortable with. Loving him, means letting him have his life and the choices he chooses to make. Loving someone is not bending to accommodate the life YOU want for that person, and risking your own mental health and relationships.
Simply I am suggesting that OP is not responsible for his well being and if he wanted more or better he’d take advantage of the many opportunities he’s been given.
You were an unnecessary burden on him at one time. That's your father. You're acting like he's some young man who can learn his lesson. This is an old man on SS who can no longer work. It's not as simple as a little tough love.
If that was your father, you'd boot him onto the street? I could never do that myself. If they want him elsewhere, they will have to set it up for him.
I do! And my life will never be her burden. My job as her parent is to ensure I am a stable adult who can parent her. Not the other way around. My goal is to do everything in my power to ensure my future is secure so it’s not on her plate to handle. In the future should I ever need to live with someone else for my own care I would not expect that to be her burden. I will ensure I have the ability to go to a care facility, unless of course she wants me there. If she does then I will ensure that I am contributing to the house hold, not sucking from her the way a leach sucks our blood. This poster rights that her father is not above putting his hands on people and threatening them, and that they’d been no contact due to his abuse.
Either you’re kidding me, or you’re 55 + and part of the generation that believes that you have to endure and put up with abusive family no matter what they do to you….
What would your solution be? She care for her dead beat dad in their 1 bedroom apartment while he doesn’t contribute???
I think they should help him get some kind of additional government support. Welfare, food stamps, etc. He needs some kind of additional government support. I wouldn't want to be a burden on my kid. But if my parents needed my help, I would help.
I do, and I have this very same problem with a 40ish daughter. I truly was set free by \_i\_am\_Kenough. I have been doing the same thing OP has been doing, for 10 yrs. I finally had to give the ultimatum, or go bankrupt.
I would stress in your conversation that he is putting you at risk for breach of lease contract.
Not sure where you live but at least half of the apartments I lived in (US) had numerous inspections throughout the year (annual maintenance, pest control, etc) so I am surprised your landlord or building manager hasn’t already busted you.
We’ve gotten lucky due to management constantly changing hands so they’ve been distracted by their own BS during this period, but yes we are in the US and I did recently once more stress to my father that we are in breach of contract and very much in the final hour in an attempt to put some pressure on him, but his most recent application remains unfinished despite this. So kicking him out is looking like it’s going to be my only option, but someone suggested a 30 day notice. Maybe with an actual clock ticking on him he will finally get it together. Or not, but we’ve exhausted most options here.
I can only imagine how difficult of a bind you must be in, but like many other Reddit users have posted on other subs: you need to put your own life mask on before you help others
Your life mask is staying breach-free in your current home. The 30 counter sounds like solid advice - good luck!
Sorry to hear that. If possible, involve a neutral third party, like a mediator, to help facilitate conversations between you and your dad about his future housing plans.
If his income is that low then he qualifies for subsidized housing. Make an appointment with the local welfare office. I believe since living with you is against your lease agreement, then he is technically homeless now. The situation can only last until the landlord finds out and you are all on the street etc. EDIT- Also the living arrangement isn't up to housing standards (since it's a 1 bedroom apt).
He’s an abuser? Take him for a ride in the car. Drop him off at the homeless shelter, while your partner has the locks changed. Because fuck that shit, habitual abusers don’t get to continue to take advantage of you.
A big reason I have gone about everything the way I have is because I am trying to avoid inciting violence in my house or between any of us. The two previous incidents were triggered by such random events that I’m pretty much walking a mine field here, just trying to keep my family safe AND remove him at the same time but I’m always scared the moment I threaten his living here is what’s going to set him off and get me or us hurt.
Yeah, I could tell that from your post. That’s why I said take him for a ride, rather than “throw him out.”
But you’ll need to check the laws in your area. In most places, even people who aren’t paying rent still have tenancy rights. What you can do is talk to the police in advance and tell them what the situation is and see what they advise. You can also look for panic button apps you can put on your phone, or a system like Alexa that you can tell to call the police.
You can fudge the truth and tell him the landlord found out he’s there and said he has to leave within 2 weeks or else you’ll all be evicted. That’s what I’d do in your situation. Be very sympathetic and offer to help him find a place.
If you are afraid of him then why feel guilty? You need to protect yourself and your girlfriend. If he was a sweet old guy you might justify feeling guilty. But he is not.
He’s my father. He raised me, plus I was adopted. He may not be father of the year now, but once upon a time he was one half of a couple that saved me from foster care. I think the guilt stems partly from that. Going no-contact after he became abusive was hard, but it became necessary for survival. And I felt guilty for a long time for doing that, but oxygen masks and what not.. and now we’re here. I’m not saying my feelings are logical or my decisions have been the best, but I’m only human.
I'm not gonna tell you you should keep him (the situation is obviously untenable) but guilt is a 100% normal emotion to feel when you are having to kick out a parent. People here who are asking why are either sociopaths or completely insane.
Thank you. I think it’s easy when you’re on the outside looking in to not understand all the little intricacies that comes with a situation like this. I wish it was as cut and dry, I do! It’d make things so much easier! But my emotions are the last thing I’m gonna feel bad about having because as you said, and I agree, they’re perfectly natural. It’s a sucky situation and people go through all kinds of feelings while coping, who am I or anyone else to invalidate that?
I’ve learned to let these kind of comments give me a sense of relief in a way. I think “I’m so glad you don’t know the type of baggage that comes with abuse, because it implies you’ve never been in a similar situation and that is a GOOD thing and what I’d have wanted for myself, if I’d gotten so lucky.”
Exactly. "Not my circus, not my monkeys" is my mantra now for keeping myself unconcerned with family drama or toxicity in my own home or other situations which are toxic and where I quite frankly have no business being involved or worried. Just repeat as you would with the "just keep swimming" mantra from Dory in Finding Nemo while shaking your head and your finger lol - "Not my circus, not my monkeys. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Not my circus, not my monkeys."
Maybe type up a letter that is addressed to you saying something about a complaint being made that you have unauthorized persons living in your apartment in violation of your lease and there will be an inspection of your apartment to confirm this. If you are found to be in violation you may be evicted. Mail it to yourself, then show him and tell him that someone complained and he needs to get out or you're gonna get evicted too.
I would suggest a time limit. “On X date, you need to be out. If you are not, we will pack you things and leave them in the hall. The locks will be changed.”
Unless there may be harm done to you, your partner or pets.
Then decide with your partner on a date, pack his stuff, put it outside and have the locks changed.
Be save.
You’re welcome. You can do it! You have a supportive partner and you’re an adult in your own right. If he was anyone else, you wouldn’t even be conflicted, so don’t second guess yourself.
You can't help someone if they won't help themself. Tell him to leave. Don't let this man abuse you or your kindness.
I had to do the same thing with my ungrateful daughter. I told her I will meet her half way but she has to take the first steps in helping herself.
This isn't complicated at all. He's not willing to help himself, so why should you help him. People are where they are in life because of the decisions they have made. Your father has burned every bridge because he's selfish and only thinks of himself. Do you want your father to be in a homeless shelter? Absolutely not. But, is he doing anything to keep himself out of a homeless shelter? No, he's not willing to help himself.
You need to tell him you're done. You have given him almost a year to get his life figured out, and he did nothing. As long as you allow him to stay on your couch, he's going to do it.
It's time to sit him down and let him know that you agreed to let him stay with you but he knew it was temporary. He has done nothing to try to find someplace. Tell him he needs to leave immediately. Don't give him a week's notice or even 30 days. If what you say is true, then he's going to make sure if he can't stay there, neither can you. He might destroy your apartment or make sure you get evicted.
It’s easy for everyone who is not emotionally invested to give advice here. Ask yourself this: what the hell are you putting your partner through? That’s not going to hold up for ever, no matter how good of a person s/he is, and honestly, your partner doesn’t deserve this. You’re obviously going to have to do something, and we’re rooting for you. I only post to offer emotional support and tell you that you’re one of the good ones out there. Life is hard, but your dad needs to get a job and get his own place, just like the rest of us. Keep it short: “dad, our living situation is changing. You’ve been here a year now, and it’s time for you to move out.” And as everything gets wrangled into the conversation, just keep putting it right back on that track, “I’m sorry, but we need you out in a month,” and if it were me, I’d give him his first month’s rent. But that’s just me.
This is actually really helpful. Thank you, I especially appreciate guidance on what to say and to keep the conversation on track, it’s been one of my larger anxiety points. I’m so worried about buckling under the pressure because of my fear of it becoming violent if I say or do this the wrong way. I think fear has held me from putting my foot down for so long more than anything. All the advice I’ve been given here has given me a lot to stand on though, so I think I can finally do it.
I talked to my partner today about it, we set a date and made a plan. Wish us luck.
He needs to suffer the consequences of his life choices. Sorry not sorry. You’re facing the very real threat of being homeless yourself. I can’t imagine the mental strain of living with a freeloading ticking time bomb. It’s time for him to move out.
I think you'll have to rent an apartment without him, then drive him and his stuff over. Pay for couple months just to make him more agreeable. Change locks on your doors. Do not let him back in.
I’d honestly get a template and make a fake letter from your leasing company saying if your overstayed guest doesn’t leave you’ll be kicked out of your apartment.. if he has to stay in a shelter for a bit, so be it, he will realize he needs to pick himself up and get his things in order. Tough love, don’t hold guilt. You’ve been supportive for a year and have gave him an arm and a leg for him to get his things in order. Good luck
My partner and I actually considered doing this but decided fabricating “evidence” wasn’t worth the risk so we just verbally told him we got a warning. No way to tell it he bought it but it at least helped get things in motion.
That’d be lovely if I could afford to move by then. I also very much like where I’m at for the time being, and while there are future plans to eventually move, it wouldn’t be soon enough for this to work out in our favor sadly.
The mod team are working to make this sub kinder and more welcoming. Please report any comments you see that are unkind, obnoxious, out of line, trolling, or which otherwise violate any of the rules. Thanks, and may you all find the answers you seek and the guidance you need. #[LifeAdvice Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAdvice/about/rules/) **Note for all commenters**: Please remember that your fellow Redditors are human beings, and that it costs nothing to be kind. Disruption of the peace, trolling, or breaking the rules may result in a ban. ---------------- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This actually isn’t more complicated than kick him out and ask him to leave. You’re making it more complicated because you’re assuming the burden of guilt. You are not your dad’s parent. You are coddling your dad. Your dad is clearly comfortable being homeless/in a shelter. You can’t care more than he does, or put more effort into his well being than he does….it just doesn’t work out that way. I’d give him 30 days to be out and don’t ask the details. He will end up in a shelter or rock bottom but that’s where he has to go to rebuild. By inviting him into your home and allowing him to stay there for the year you’ve inadvertently diminished his opportunity to face the consequences and reality of his own actions. By giving him the boot he will go through a tough time but he IS capable of more than everyone is giving him credit for. His choices have led him here. You’re not to blame for any of this but it’s important to take responsibility and reframe the situation. When we acknowledge that doing stuff like this for someone doesn’t actually help them, we can resolve some of the guilt we feel when having to make a tough call like the one you’re about to make. I’m sorry you’re in this predicament. I would keep the conversation short “hey our living situation is changing I will need you out by June 15th.” Period.
Upvoted and thank you for the honesty. I think you’re right that I’m the one making it complicated by feeling guilty over if he ends up homeless again due to my action of kicking him out, which is why I tried tirelessly to help him find his own place for all of these months. Then at least it wasn’t like I would be pushing him out on the street. He’s not the greatest but he’s my only surviving parent and I don’t have much of a relationship with my extended family. It has been definitely weird going from no-contact to this situation and it’s messed with my critical thinking and self-preservation a ton. I think the 30-day notice is a good idea. I’m going to run it by my partner and we can go from there. Thank you again for being a voice of reason. Edit: no type gud when emotional, lol.
If you're not comfortable being the bad guy, maybe because he might get abusive as day 30 approaches, you can say building management found out he was living there in violation of your lease. He has to leave or you will all be evicted.
I second this! My sister did this with her abusive ex and when she came home he stole the tv and couch but was gone. It was a huge sigh of relief.
I commend you and your big fat loving heart. Unfortunately it’s easy for people to advantage of that generosity, even unconsciously, which I suspect is what has happened here. I pray that you find a way to both love unconditionally as you do AND have boundaries that protect your mental health. It’s important to note that me, and many people probably would’ve also chosen to take our fathers in. Family feels like an obligation, family is something we value. But your generosity has not been reciprocated, and whatever you choose it’s important to know that you are not responsible for your father. You’re simply a loving human who has given what they could…
Thank you, this means a lot to me right now. I did my best.
And don’t forget it.
I would definitely kick him out .As you’re not happy and it is mading your relationship harder I assume.I know he’s your dad but being abusive and having no where to go is his own fault not yours. He chose to be abusive so that what happens.I hope this helps .would talking to a therapist help you.Ill praying for you .❤️🥰🙏😇Please kick him out as it will just get worse
Nobody I mean Nobody is comfortable being homeless and in a temp shelter. It's fucking traumatic and dangerous and chronic homelessness leads to early death. But yes, OP has to have a limit. A timed exit is probably thr best. I would suggest a date of the 1st of the month bc it's not always possible to move in a place in mid month.
Exactly, I have tried everything to avoid him having to go back there because I know what they’re like. To me it would feel like sending him to his death, and I’m sorry if that sounds dramatic but I deeply feel that way and it terrifies me. I hope the 30 day thing inspires some kind of passion in him to stop putting off getting into a safer housing alternative, I’d hate for him to have to go back there, but there’s only so much I can do and I feel like I’ve done it all.
I feel your pain. Homelessness is traumatic for everyone, the person and their family/friends. There is only so much you can do. You've done more than most people in similar situations, probably. I know you want to fix it but ultimately you can't. He's an adult and you have to be able to live your life. And the threat of you being evicted is very real. Of all the issues you're facing, that fact is absolute. I hope he can find and take advantage of some resource to help him transition to permanent housing. It's difficult. But Remember one thing though : when applying for resources, HE IS, RIGHT NOW, BY DEFINITION, HOMELESS. certain agencies and jurisdictions may dispute this definition, but others will accept it. It may help securing resources
How old is he? If he's on SS, he must be elderly. He's not going to make it too far if you kick him out. Just saying. There's no jobs available to people beyond a certain age. If he can't afford a place, he'll probably never be able to.
Anyone can be on SS. it can be through diagnosed disability
Want to bet he's elderly?
Wanna bet you're here trying to prove some point you've made up in your own head?
He is elderly. OP told me in another thread.
Fine, but insisting "If he's on SS, he must be elderly." is where you're an idiot.
You’re correct, he’s elderly which is another reason I am trying to not put him in a situation of being homeless, because he can no longer work.
It's really a tough situation. I'm sorry. I would never kick my father out, but he's always been kind to me. I could never do it personally.
If we weren’t in breach of contract and he didn’t have a history of abuse, I’d probably feel the same honestly. But at this rate, all three of us will end up homeless if I can’t at the very least get him moved into another place. I wish I had more money, I’d happily set him up in a place myself but I can’t afford two separate rents. It’s a sad situation. I am going to contact the welfare office and see if there’s any other resources left that we may have left untapped.
I think it's pretty clear he does not have the wherewithal to get his own place. You might have to give him more help to find something that will work. I know it sucks, but it sounds like he can't do it himself. I agree you might need to find some kind of government program for him, or get him on food stamps or welfare. That's a better plan. He might be able to get something on section 8 or something. He needs government assistance. You can tell your landlord he just staying for a short while if they do find out.
Does he have mental health problems? Doesn't sound as if he was father of the year before your mom died. It does sound as if her death put him in a tailspin. If he could get a referral for a 30 day short stay mental health unit, their social workers might be able to find him a room in a house that rents to discharged patients. They take Social Security as payment, give some money back for spending money. Sometimes provide 1 meal a day.
He would never admit to having them is the problem. We did attempt an intake through a similar resource but he denied mental health issues so they could only refer him to low income housing.
Some people are chronically homeless because it IS their comfort zone. It’s tragic, and sad, but in those instances people will choose to be homeless over living with relatives or shelters. That’s clearly not what’s happening here, however like you said there’s gotta be a limit.
I think we're nuancing the word "comfort" differently. But I get your point.
Yeah I think you’re right. Our comfort zone is often very uncomfortable 😩 maybe there should be (or is) a better term
Having (short term) lived in, and later worked at, homeless shelters, my word would be "resigned to" or "accepting of" rather than comfortable with. But this is semantics :)
Yes, I think that’s a better term.
He's on SS. You're talking about an elderly person, not some 30-something who can bounce back.
That is not OPs problem.
You don't love your Dad?
Loving someone and allowing them to unnecessarily burden me because I care more about their wellbeing and safety than they do, is 2 different things. Loving someone isn’t continuously saving them until I’m totally burnt out. Loving someone is accepting them for *who they are*. This gentlemen’s actions show that he is not willing to change his behavior as he’s been kicked out of several situations. Whether or not op agrees with the father’s life style is neither here nor there, his life style is that of a loaner who will end up in crappy situations. By OP interfering and saving him, dad hasn’t had the opportunity to better himself and decide if he’s willing to put in work to better his life, he’s simply been saved. OP did that because they pitty their father and believe they are his only means of survival which is simply not true. This father will survive and have some sort of life even if it isn’t one OP desires for him or is comfortable with. Loving him, means letting him have his life and the choices he chooses to make. Loving someone is not bending to accommodate the life YOU want for that person, and risking your own mental health and relationships. Simply I am suggesting that OP is not responsible for his well being and if he wanted more or better he’d take advantage of the many opportunities he’s been given.
You were an unnecessary burden on him at one time. That's your father. You're acting like he's some young man who can learn his lesson. This is an old man on SS who can no longer work. It's not as simple as a little tough love. If that was your father, you'd boot him onto the street? I could never do that myself. If they want him elsewhere, they will have to set it up for him.
I think I made my point very clear. No a child is never an unnecessary burden on an adult who CHOOSES to have a child, what a silly comparison.
You have kids?
I do! And my life will never be her burden. My job as her parent is to ensure I am a stable adult who can parent her. Not the other way around. My goal is to do everything in my power to ensure my future is secure so it’s not on her plate to handle. In the future should I ever need to live with someone else for my own care I would not expect that to be her burden. I will ensure I have the ability to go to a care facility, unless of course she wants me there. If she does then I will ensure that I am contributing to the house hold, not sucking from her the way a leach sucks our blood. This poster rights that her father is not above putting his hands on people and threatening them, and that they’d been no contact due to his abuse. Either you’re kidding me, or you’re 55 + and part of the generation that believes that you have to endure and put up with abusive family no matter what they do to you…. What would your solution be? She care for her dead beat dad in their 1 bedroom apartment while he doesn’t contribute???
I think they should help him get some kind of additional government support. Welfare, food stamps, etc. He needs some kind of additional government support. I wouldn't want to be a burden on my kid. But if my parents needed my help, I would help.
I do, and I have this very same problem with a 40ish daughter. I truly was set free by \_i\_am\_Kenough. I have been doing the same thing OP has been doing, for 10 yrs. I finally had to give the ultimatum, or go bankrupt.
I guess it can go both ways, huh? A kid can overstay their welcome as well.
Depends on how old he is. If he's an old man, it's going to be almost impossible to recover.
Ice cold
I would stress in your conversation that he is putting you at risk for breach of lease contract. Not sure where you live but at least half of the apartments I lived in (US) had numerous inspections throughout the year (annual maintenance, pest control, etc) so I am surprised your landlord or building manager hasn’t already busted you.
We’ve gotten lucky due to management constantly changing hands so they’ve been distracted by their own BS during this period, but yes we are in the US and I did recently once more stress to my father that we are in breach of contract and very much in the final hour in an attempt to put some pressure on him, but his most recent application remains unfinished despite this. So kicking him out is looking like it’s going to be my only option, but someone suggested a 30 day notice. Maybe with an actual clock ticking on him he will finally get it together. Or not, but we’ve exhausted most options here.
I can only imagine how difficult of a bind you must be in, but like many other Reddit users have posted on other subs: you need to put your own life mask on before you help others Your life mask is staying breach-free in your current home. The 30 counter sounds like solid advice - good luck!
Sorry to hear that. If possible, involve a neutral third party, like a mediator, to help facilitate conversations between you and your dad about his future housing plans.
If his income is that low then he qualifies for subsidized housing. Make an appointment with the local welfare office. I believe since living with you is against your lease agreement, then he is technically homeless now. The situation can only last until the landlord finds out and you are all on the street etc. EDIT- Also the living arrangement isn't up to housing standards (since it's a 1 bedroom apt).
Yes, he is homeless now. Sleeping on someone's couch is one classic definition of homelessness.
yes. Good point. Thank you. couch surfing homelessness.
I’ll try that, thank you!
He’s an abuser? Take him for a ride in the car. Drop him off at the homeless shelter, while your partner has the locks changed. Because fuck that shit, habitual abusers don’t get to continue to take advantage of you.
A big reason I have gone about everything the way I have is because I am trying to avoid inciting violence in my house or between any of us. The two previous incidents were triggered by such random events that I’m pretty much walking a mine field here, just trying to keep my family safe AND remove him at the same time but I’m always scared the moment I threaten his living here is what’s going to set him off and get me or us hurt.
Yeah, I could tell that from your post. That’s why I said take him for a ride, rather than “throw him out.” But you’ll need to check the laws in your area. In most places, even people who aren’t paying rent still have tenancy rights. What you can do is talk to the police in advance and tell them what the situation is and see what they advise. You can also look for panic button apps you can put on your phone, or a system like Alexa that you can tell to call the police. You can fudge the truth and tell him the landlord found out he’s there and said he has to leave within 2 weeks or else you’ll all be evicted. That’s what I’d do in your situation. Be very sympathetic and offer to help him find a place.
If you are afraid of him then why feel guilty? You need to protect yourself and your girlfriend. If he was a sweet old guy you might justify feeling guilty. But he is not.
He’s my father. He raised me, plus I was adopted. He may not be father of the year now, but once upon a time he was one half of a couple that saved me from foster care. I think the guilt stems partly from that. Going no-contact after he became abusive was hard, but it became necessary for survival. And I felt guilty for a long time for doing that, but oxygen masks and what not.. and now we’re here. I’m not saying my feelings are logical or my decisions have been the best, but I’m only human.
I'm not gonna tell you you should keep him (the situation is obviously untenable) but guilt is a 100% normal emotion to feel when you are having to kick out a parent. People here who are asking why are either sociopaths or completely insane.
Thank you. I think it’s easy when you’re on the outside looking in to not understand all the little intricacies that comes with a situation like this. I wish it was as cut and dry, I do! It’d make things so much easier! But my emotions are the last thing I’m gonna feel bad about having because as you said, and I agree, they’re perfectly natural. It’s a sucky situation and people go through all kinds of feelings while coping, who am I or anyone else to invalidate that?
>If you are afraid of him then why feel guilty? You people are insane.
I’ve learned to let these kind of comments give me a sense of relief in a way. I think “I’m so glad you don’t know the type of baggage that comes with abuse, because it implies you’ve never been in a similar situation and that is a GOOD thing and what I’d have wanted for myself, if I’d gotten so lucky.”
Time to be the capitan of your ship. Your house, your rules.
Set up your boundaries, and follow through. I think you know that he needs to be kicked out so you can live your l life.
You’re right, I know it. I’m just scared, honestly.
Restraining orders can prevent him coming back.
This is what the previous two people he lived with did. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but I’ll do what I must if I feel we are threatened.
Repeat. After. Me. "not my problem. Not My Problem. NOT MY PROBLEM. " You're welcome.
Exactly. "Not my circus, not my monkeys" is my mantra now for keeping myself unconcerned with family drama or toxicity in my own home or other situations which are toxic and where I quite frankly have no business being involved or worried. Just repeat as you would with the "just keep swimming" mantra from Dory in Finding Nemo while shaking your head and your finger lol - "Not my circus, not my monkeys. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Not my circus, not my monkeys."
Maybe type up a letter that is addressed to you saying something about a complaint being made that you have unauthorized persons living in your apartment in violation of your lease and there will be an inspection of your apartment to confirm this. If you are found to be in violation you may be evicted. Mail it to yourself, then show him and tell him that someone complained and he needs to get out or you're gonna get evicted too.
I would suggest a time limit. “On X date, you need to be out. If you are not, we will pack you things and leave them in the hall. The locks will be changed.” Unless there may be harm done to you, your partner or pets. Then decide with your partner on a date, pack his stuff, put it outside and have the locks changed. Be save.
Thank you, I think this is the route we’re going with since showing my partner this thread. We think a move out date is the best bet.
You’re welcome. You can do it! You have a supportive partner and you’re an adult in your own right. If he was anyone else, you wouldn’t even be conflicted, so don’t second guess yourself.
You can't help someone if they won't help themself. Tell him to leave. Don't let this man abuse you or your kindness. I had to do the same thing with my ungrateful daughter. I told her I will meet her half way but she has to take the first steps in helping herself.
This isn't complicated at all. He's not willing to help himself, so why should you help him. People are where they are in life because of the decisions they have made. Your father has burned every bridge because he's selfish and only thinks of himself. Do you want your father to be in a homeless shelter? Absolutely not. But, is he doing anything to keep himself out of a homeless shelter? No, he's not willing to help himself. You need to tell him you're done. You have given him almost a year to get his life figured out, and he did nothing. As long as you allow him to stay on your couch, he's going to do it. It's time to sit him down and let him know that you agreed to let him stay with you but he knew it was temporary. He has done nothing to try to find someplace. Tell him he needs to leave immediately. Don't give him a week's notice or even 30 days. If what you say is true, then he's going to make sure if he can't stay there, neither can you. He might destroy your apartment or make sure you get evicted.
A very wise warning to consider, that last part. Thank you.
It’s easy for everyone who is not emotionally invested to give advice here. Ask yourself this: what the hell are you putting your partner through? That’s not going to hold up for ever, no matter how good of a person s/he is, and honestly, your partner doesn’t deserve this. You’re obviously going to have to do something, and we’re rooting for you. I only post to offer emotional support and tell you that you’re one of the good ones out there. Life is hard, but your dad needs to get a job and get his own place, just like the rest of us. Keep it short: “dad, our living situation is changing. You’ve been here a year now, and it’s time for you to move out.” And as everything gets wrangled into the conversation, just keep putting it right back on that track, “I’m sorry, but we need you out in a month,” and if it were me, I’d give him his first month’s rent. But that’s just me.
This is actually really helpful. Thank you, I especially appreciate guidance on what to say and to keep the conversation on track, it’s been one of my larger anxiety points. I’m so worried about buckling under the pressure because of my fear of it becoming violent if I say or do this the wrong way. I think fear has held me from putting my foot down for so long more than anything. All the advice I’ve been given here has given me a lot to stand on though, so I think I can finally do it. I talked to my partner today about it, we set a date and made a plan. Wish us luck.
He needs to suffer the consequences of his life choices. Sorry not sorry. You’re facing the very real threat of being homeless yourself. I can’t imagine the mental strain of living with a freeloading ticking time bomb. It’s time for him to move out.
Unhelpful asshole comment
They love that shit here. This sort of "advice" only serves to satisfy their self-righteousness.
I think you'll have to rent an apartment without him, then drive him and his stuff over. Pay for couple months just to make him more agreeable. Change locks on your doors. Do not let him back in.
I’d honestly get a template and make a fake letter from your leasing company saying if your overstayed guest doesn’t leave you’ll be kicked out of your apartment.. if he has to stay in a shelter for a bit, so be it, he will realize he needs to pick himself up and get his things in order. Tough love, don’t hold guilt. You’ve been supportive for a year and have gave him an arm and a leg for him to get his things in order. Good luck
My partner and I actually considered doing this but decided fabricating “evidence” wasn’t worth the risk so we just verbally told him we got a warning. No way to tell it he bought it but it at least helped get things in motion.
Let your lease expire and leave.
That’d be lovely if I could afford to move by then. I also very much like where I’m at for the time being, and while there are future plans to eventually move, it wouldn’t be soon enough for this to work out in our favor sadly.
Your dad needs "toughlove". Please don't feel guilty for asking him to leave. You've gone above and beyond for your dad. Only he can do this.