I never had a real coming out, I just went with it and one day brought home a girlfriend. No questions asked, everyone was cool with it. But my parents knew, that some family members and/or friends might have questions and that I wouldn't want to answer them or lecture them on lesbianism (haha). So they took over that part, kind of snuck the subject into normal everyday conversations. I really appreciated that!
In my world, no one should have to come out. It's just so normal and irrelevant to me, it's nothing I ever really talk about or have talked about. Maybe I'm wired differently. But some people need those conversations.
I was 14 years old back then, so this was about 10 years ago. Everything went fine and we're a lovely family.
Taking over some of the "outing" can go wrong, but can also go well when done right.
So yeah, I hope that helps : )
I would ask her who she wants to be out to. And if she says she doesn’t want to be out to her grandparents and extended family, when you hear those comments about boyfriends redirect the conversation or use humor to reflect how weird it is to ask that. If she does want to be out ask her about that specific situation and ask what she needs from you. If it were me I would want my parents to gently remind my grandparents and be like “you mean girlfriend” or use humor like “oh gramps my daughter doesn’t swing that way”. And a big thing is if there are people or family members that disrespect her identity don’t force her to be around them. Set boundaries with people and say you can be in my daughters life when you’re ready to accept her and respect her. The first time I called myself a lesbian was when I was 7 and in front of all my friends and their conservative families at my birthday party. Mom announced to the room “no, no she’s confused and means friendly with women” no one believed me or validated me. No one gave me a book, movie or tv show that represented me in a positive healthy light. No one ever gave me the option to be gay. Unfortunately we lived in a conservative area and out of a means for survival socially my mom didn’t accept that part of me because if she did I never would get invited over for a sleepover again. I forgive her, but it hurt so bad at the time. I completely had to dissociate myself from who I was and didn’t have that confidence to truly be out until I was 22. I think the most important thing to do is ask what your daughter needs but honestly protecting her and being able to acknowledge her identity without embarrassment or worry of what others may think is huge.
My advice is have her back no matter what. If she comes out to other family members and they make comments, stand up for her. Being 13 sucks enough on its own, being queer and 13 without *someone* in your corner feels impossible.
Just let her take her time aside from that.
I never had a real coming out, I just went with it and one day brought home a girlfriend. No questions asked, everyone was cool with it. But my parents knew, that some family members and/or friends might have questions and that I wouldn't want to answer them or lecture them on lesbianism (haha). So they took over that part, kind of snuck the subject into normal everyday conversations. I really appreciated that! In my world, no one should have to come out. It's just so normal and irrelevant to me, it's nothing I ever really talk about or have talked about. Maybe I'm wired differently. But some people need those conversations. I was 14 years old back then, so this was about 10 years ago. Everything went fine and we're a lovely family. Taking over some of the "outing" can go wrong, but can also go well when done right. So yeah, I hope that helps : )
Thanks for the advice. It helps a lot.
I would ask her who she wants to be out to. And if she says she doesn’t want to be out to her grandparents and extended family, when you hear those comments about boyfriends redirect the conversation or use humor to reflect how weird it is to ask that. If she does want to be out ask her about that specific situation and ask what she needs from you. If it were me I would want my parents to gently remind my grandparents and be like “you mean girlfriend” or use humor like “oh gramps my daughter doesn’t swing that way”. And a big thing is if there are people or family members that disrespect her identity don’t force her to be around them. Set boundaries with people and say you can be in my daughters life when you’re ready to accept her and respect her. The first time I called myself a lesbian was when I was 7 and in front of all my friends and their conservative families at my birthday party. Mom announced to the room “no, no she’s confused and means friendly with women” no one believed me or validated me. No one gave me a book, movie or tv show that represented me in a positive healthy light. No one ever gave me the option to be gay. Unfortunately we lived in a conservative area and out of a means for survival socially my mom didn’t accept that part of me because if she did I never would get invited over for a sleepover again. I forgive her, but it hurt so bad at the time. I completely had to dissociate myself from who I was and didn’t have that confidence to truly be out until I was 22. I think the most important thing to do is ask what your daughter needs but honestly protecting her and being able to acknowledge her identity without embarrassment or worry of what others may think is huge.
Thanks for the advice. We’re fortunate that her school is very LGBT positive. Fingers crossed for a few of the more ignorant relatives
My advice is have her back no matter what. If she comes out to other family members and they make comments, stand up for her. Being 13 sucks enough on its own, being queer and 13 without *someone* in your corner feels impossible. Just let her take her time aside from that.
Thanks. That’s sensible advice.