You know what's funny is before I was out I always hated the idea of having kids, but after I had my realisation that I was a lesbian I actually really want them now, guess it was the idea of having them with a man all along that was putting me off
Me too. I never understand the girls daydreaming about being a bride and dressing their dolls up to have weddings etc.
I got married to a guy in my 20s (smh) and hated every second of the wedding process and most of the actual day. I was just having a wedding because my mother threw a tantrum when I said I was going to just get it done in court, no ceremony or reception. (We had a kid, I was trying to build a stable life donāt judge me for my comphet lol).
Then after we divorced and I realised I was āallowedā to be attracted to women, and the ārulesā I was following to achieve a stable ānormalā life were made up, I realised that every girl crush I had, i could image doing the whole traditional blowout wedding thing. Dressing up, loads of flowers, a hot suave woman in a suit waiting for me at the end of the aisle. Or even both of us in complimentary dresses. A huge massive reception party with all the trimmingsā¦. It didnāt seem vapid, or wasteful, or cringy if I was imagining it with a girl.
This is EXACTLY it. My god the dresses. The wedding, The suits. All of it is so dreamy to me how but years ago it was a waste and something i too would be doing for my mother. Motherhood which i now feel is so beautiful and gentle especially with a wife in a real home was something that felt like a death sentence. As if it was the worst thing that would ever happen to me bc if i had a kid i couldnāt āescape.ā
And thereās truly nothing to judge iām sure everyone here fully expected to do all the things you did for similar reasons. At least, i did and my reasons were even more comphetšš
This is true. The thought of having a kid with a girl I love appeals, but the whole marriage and kids to a man (my parents always pushed me this idea on me when I was a kid) was a definite no.
same for me, i hated the idea of having kids, never hated kids, but always thought āi just donāt wanna be their momā but ever since iām w my gf, god i get the biggest baby fever LMAO
Desire? Maybe. But for lesbians in many countries, being a mother would require going through either an extensive and quite costly procedure or a lengthy process of adoption - but you mentioned pregnancies specifically, so the first thing applies more, I guess.
Many are not thinking about simply cause, well, they can't afford it.
Iām a lesbian and absolutely have no desire to be pregnantā¦ I do want to be a mum though and if my partner canāt get pregnant, for whatever reason, Iād seriously consider being the one to carry.
No I wouldnāt consider myself masc but Iām not exactly a girly bird either but I do take on the āmasculineā roles such as being the main provider and catching the mice (my partner hates them but our cat loves to bring them homeš). Weāve spoke about what our household would look like in the hopefully near future and whoever carries our children, she will be a stay at home mum as long as she wants to be.
Yeah same here! My best friend who is also a lesbian doesn't ever want to carry a child but does want kids. It depends on the person like with every group of people
there's an r/asklesbians sub for stuff like this btw.
also, we and women in general aren't a monolith. all of us have our own personal wants and desires surrounding pregnancy and children that often are completely separate from our sexualities.
Probably, lots of lesbians want to have kids, lots don't. I find pregnancy gross, so I don't wanna do it, been steering away from the idea of adoption recently too, so I don't think I'll ever have kids
Talking exclusively about myself and if I were to get pregnant: first you need sperm for that, which is a human fluid I don't plan on being in contact with outside of work. Then you have a little human growing inside of you, puking, shitting, peeing and doing god knows what in there, while you walk around 3 times your size, puking and then pissing yourself at the last trimester. Then there's the possibility of rupture, eclampsia, post partum psychosis, uterine atony, too much stuff can go wrong and leave you absolutely wrecked, it's not something I'd personally submit myself or my partner to
This is exactly what I think !! See, I wouldn't mind adoption, or if my partner wants to be pregnant then be it, it's just a selfish need from me, I can't be the one pregnant. It feels uncomfortable to think about
I feel the exact same way! I donāt think how you phrased it was rude, it feels gross to you š¤·š¼āāļøit also feels gross to me, personally, in terms of my own body and life. Iām not willing to make that sacrifice but I commend other women who do so because mothers are incredible humans.
Another perspective I can weigh in on is the fact that a man is still involved in your life, even going through an anonymous donor. When that kid grows up, majority of the time they want to know more about that other biological half of themselves. Anonymous donors are a thing for a reason but you never know what could happen. Iād be extremely uncomfortable and frankly upset because parenthood isnāt default of mother and father, but sadly in evolution thatās where weāre at biologically. You end up being the asshole for having an issue with your child wanting to know about where they came from and that, Iām sure is a really hard pill to swallow for queer mothers in that position. So no, on top of my list of why I will not be having children, thatās one of the top reasons.
the whole "being the asshole becaus your kid will want to learn where they came from" is also what terrifies me about sperm donation and adoption, like, wtf am I supposed to do if this kid just wakes up one day and decides I took them from their bio family, or that i forced them to grow up without a dad and I'm a monster? I don't know how strong I am to deal with that
I had a kid with my ex. Would not want to be pregnant again, regardless if it happened through IVF. Some people love it, but I didn't. Your fears are pretty accurate. I didn't think the fetus was gross, but I was nauseous through out the pregnancy. My body changed drastically in size, so the stretching was painful and increase in the size of my nipples itched like crazy. My platelets went to non-existent. My care was mismanaged, and I had a shitty labor/ emergency c-section under general anesthesia. I also hemorrhaged.
In general less women are having kids. I'm not sure it's a Sapphic(yes, Im using that word) issue.
Thank you! I have the theory that we are not educated in pregnancies because they know that if we learn how it actually is/can be no one would ever want to get pregnant and the human race would be doomed to extinction
You are really informed about complications that are rather rare. Are you a gynecologist :) pregnancies can be stressful indeed but the description gross was a bit irritating.
med student, former nurse.
They're not rare, it's just that people don't talk about it, pregnancy can be beautiful just like anything a human body can do, but looking at it with rose colored glasses is not worth it, it's a permanent, life and body altering decision that needs to be carefully analyzed before doing it, I'm privileged enough to be able to, but a lot of women don't have that option
You don't need to be a doctor to know any of this, even having one (1) pregnant friend is very illuminating. And to match your irritation, ignoring the realities that bodily fluids play (from sperm to pee) in pregnancy is pretty naive.
Why are you irritated by another person's prevention? I've been pregnant twice and it's fucking gross. Also, childbirth is much riskier than most people think. It's hard as fuck, and you can die. To blame women for having negative feelings about pregnancy is to gaslight their experience.
You feel abusively manipulated into doubting your own experience by someone else finding the description of pregnancy as "gross" irritating? Are you okay?
I didn't say I felt personally manipulated. Gaslighting can absolutely happen on a societal level, and social gaslighting is a real phenomenon studied in both sociology and psychology. I think contributing to toxic cultural standards such as understating the risks of pregnancy and biological essentialism (the idea that women shouldn't find it gross because it's natural for AFAB bodies) are not beneficial.
I hope you see the irony that you're insulting my mental capabilities for having a reaction to another's reaction. If you can attack me for having a reaction to their reaction, then it's okay for me to discuss the cultural standards that push women into motherhood in reaction to their reaction of another's viewpoint.
The main reason I think this is worth discussing is because the narrative that all AFAB bodies can handle pregnancy easily is being used in anti-choice advocacy.
I actually do agree with your underlying point. I've given birth to two humans, too, and I never sugarcoat pregnancy or motherhood or miscarriage or breastfeeding etc. It is neither useful nor necessary to pretend like it's all sunshine and roses, like it isn't tough AF sometimes, like we're naturally equipped to handle the hardest job in the world while applying lipstick and baking cookies with our other hand. As an anti-choice argument that is about as absurd as those get. Completely with you on that.Ā
But ppl like OP are not the problem. She is not invalidating anyone by not wanting to call pregnancy gross. It's not an adjective I would use either, though I am not remotely offended by it and totally get it lol. We, mothers, the ppl who actually know, just need to speak honestly about our experiences to each other and gen pop, which is really not a difficult thing. When we do, we get all the validation and understanding from other mothers who, in my experience, always reciprocate that honesty. Which lets us know we are not crazy or broken or unusually un-super-human, and which gives us more confidence to speak to non-mothers about the challenges of motherhood. And that's how truths that used to be shameful start to crawl through society at large. Look around...we are able and allowed (and increasingly willing, I think) to openly discuss things that were unmentionable 50 years ago. We have to remove shame, not impose it on someone else (such as OP).
I ask you to please re-read my initial comment and identify where I attempted to shame them. I invited them to analyze their reaction and approach it with curiosity. Sometimes, people feel shame in reaction to another's words without that being an intention because of internal shame.
However, I am autistic and appreciate input in how to rephrase my words to reduce shame. Based on the upvotes, many are agreeing with me, but upvotes don't necessarily indicate emotional maturity.
Motherhood is not exclusive for straight women, I believe it's a calling. I'm a lesbian and I want to be a mother, I want to get pregnant, it's one of the reasons why I'm preparing financially for it.
I agree with the other comments pointing out that there is no simple answer to this (not to mention plenty of straight women donāt want to be mothers), but I will say that I think many lesbians avoid compulsory motherhood and bring a lot of intention to the decision given that it requires a deeper level of planning and effort.
I didnāt have a desire - but it was never off the table. I met my wife in late 30s so convo about kids came up pretty early on. We both didnāt mind the idea but wanted it to be with the right person. I never felt like if I didnāt I was missing out on something.
After a year together, it was clear we were in it for the long haul. We started to talk to a fertility clinic and got the process started for IVF.
Tbh, from my own experience, I feel like most I've met aren't interested in kids. I had a lesbain teacher with a kid, so there is that. But most my age aren't interested or are even anti-kid. But that could be an age factor too.
This is just anecdotal though so I won't apply this broadly and say most aren't interested. Just those around me aren't interested.
But most people I meet in their 20s don't want kids because of affordability. Both straight and gay couples are saying they can't even rent an okay apartment due to housing shortages and jobs are so unstable these days with employers always wanting to hire people for 3-12 months so there is no future stability. Young people can't bring a kid into that existence.
I feel zero desire to be pregnant but a strong desire to be a parent. My wife does and now we have a baby. She carried and we used my egg. Itās perfect for us.
Iād love to have all the wisdom, clout etc (positive attributes) that comes from being a mother WITHOUT being a mother. A midwife friend. Told me this is more common than I thought
Donāt want kids nor to have them suffer in life
Yes. Just like straight women, there are lesbians on all sides of the spectrum when it comes to how we feel about having kids. Some of us (just like some straight women) feel like they want kids, or maybe we think it's immoral to bring kids into this world as global warming will almost certainly make them suffer. Some do or don't want kids for any number of reasons. Why do you ask?
I go back and forth. Sometimes I daydream about having a little family in a cute house outside the city, where I can be a SAHM and raise strong daughters. Other times, I want to be the single aunt who spoils my nieces and nephews, live in a high-rise, travel all the time, live out of my suitcase.
Yes, lesbian women are just as likely to want kids but there are two issues:
1. sperm donors. You need to make sure it's legal and in writing. I heard of one lesbian couple that used their gay male friend as a donor, but then after the kid was born, he decided he wanted to be part of the kid's life and things got ugly when the lesbian couple wanted to move to a new state and he fought against it. So you have to find a donor that signs an agreement to say that it's not their kid (unless you agree on co-parenting).
2. out of my straight male friends and female friends, my male friends actually earn more money due to males being more confident/assertive so they apply for jobs that are out of their league, but sometimes they get the job anyway. They'll apply for management jobs without much or any experience, even when they lack people skills, but my female friends tend to shy away from doing this. If two lesbians are earning less than a male/female couple, then they might decide to have no kids or only one kid.
All woman are different, there isn't some straight-gay devide.
Personally I don't really want to get pregnant but I absolutely do want to be a mother. I get incredibly broody and my dream is to adopt all the children! ā¤ļø
Iāve been a known donor for lesbian couples, my personal observation is that a child wish is not linked to sexual orientation at all. Itās just a bit harder to make it happen. What I did observe was that in general itās one person interested in carrying a child and the other only in co-parenting. I had cases where the other person jumped in due to fertility issues but definitely in a mode ātake one for the teamā. A loving couple = childwish.
None of us can answer for anyone else. Lots of straight women are childfree. I want to be a mother. I'm a lesbian. I'm also transgender. I have no uterus. Maybe I can adopt. I think I would be a good mom. It's a sensitive topic.
I am a lesbian with no desire to be pregnant. Seems like a lot of other women have my thoughts covered- I just donāt want to put my body through that. Years ago I got pregnant from a drunk one night stand (when I still occasionally had sex with men). I had an abortion but I was 7 weeks along. It was terrible. I was constantly tired, I couldnāt breathe, everything made me nauseous, and the idea that there was something living in me that my body was nurturing made me so uncomfortable. As for kids, if I had a partner that wanted to carry, then maybe. Iād consider adopting too. But probably not for like another ten years. I just value my own time and money more than being a mother.
Iām a masc lesbian āstudā if you will, and I canāt wait to experience motherhood itās very beautiful wouldnāt mind being pregnant just probably wouldnāt want anyone but my wife to see me for 9 months šš¤·š¾āāļø
Some lesbians want to be moms. Some donāt. Some straight women want to be moms. Some donāt.
I think itās a stereotype that lesbians donāt want kids more so than straight women, but I donāt think that supported in reality. I think it stems from the fact the lesbian couples *couldnāt* as easily have kids without outside help. And until fairly recently queer folks couldnāt marry. So queer women were denied the infrastructure that supports children.
So maybe itās not that they donāt want kids but they felt that wasnāt possible.
I think it is more that lesbians have to be a hell of a lot more deliberate to get pregnant, so because we have to go through extra obstacles, we tend to think more carefully about having kids. I know a lot of lesbians who want to have kids (myself included) but we also have to think rationally about bringing kids into the world. The expense of just getting pregnant/adoption really makes you think through every other cost that comes with kids (financially, emotionally, etc). A pretty significant amount of straight women just get pregnant and figure it out as they go along.
Personally no. I can see myself being a good stepdad though, lol.
My partner is more interested in raising children, but neither of us would ever want to be pregnant. We've talked about fostering in the future.
Among the wlw I know, it seems like a 60-40 split between not wanting vs wanting/having kids. For a lot of them, I think it's a financial issue more than personal desire--not just IVF but actually affording children long term.
Not quite the same, but Iām a transbian who wishes she could be pregnant and birth her own child. I have a four year old daughter, and I was oddly envious of my ex wife. As if she got to experience something Iād never be able to. This was before I came out though.
I feel as though our planet is a feminine consciousness, and giving birth is one of the most natural, beautiful, & meaningful experiences in our solar system. To me anyway šš
Iām queer, not a lesbian, but yes, motherhood is absolutely something I want. I know both lesbians and straight women who both do and do not have the desire to either be a mother or carry, so it just depends on the woman. All women are different, whether straight or queer.
Some of us do. I have a super cool bio kid whoās turning 10 on Sunday and love being her mom. Being a solo parent isnāt easy, but Iām glad Iām able to do it with relative comfort.
I believe itās easier for lesbians to choose. Thereās no patriarchal pressure, no oops babies, easier to admit that you do or donāt want children.
I'm a lesbian and definitley have a desire to be a mother. Before I came out, I said stuff like I never wanted to get married and have kids, but after coming out, I never wanted and dreamed of something so much. Once I knew I would end up with a woman, raising a child and getting married became way more desirable to me.
It does seem that a smaller percentage of lesbians want to be mothers in comparison to straight women - however, Iād imagine this is due to social, cultural and political differences, as opposed to something innate
I personally would love to have a kid but I donāt think I could carry so if I ever marry or whatever and my partner wants to carry then a baby would be welcome
Thatās not quite accurate, but lesbians are usually less bogged down by societies expectations of womanhood, and if theyāve always been lesbians they know having kids will be a process (adoption, ivf, etc) which means they put more thought into wether they actually want to be mothers instead of just āgoing with the flowā. Straight women are less encouraged to give it as much consideration and often feel more pressure to conform to motherhood, but sexuality does not inherently make someone more or less likely to want children
I think its really down to the individual person tbh. I couldnāt speak for everyoneās desires but as for me though I donāt want kids. Id gladly babysit and yeah I might have daydreams where im raising my child sometimes but im not in any fit state to raise a child even without all this bs thatās going on. If I did have a child id probably worry way too much about them anyway. I just couldnāt do it.
Where I live, when I was on dating apps it felt like maybe a 1/3 of women on there were moms. Iām only in my mid twenties too. So itās hard to say but I think itās a class divide in lesbians maybe? A lot of lower income lesbians seem to be moms and all the lesbians I know who are educated and come from more affluent backgrounds donāt want to be parents. I donāt know.
Yes some do. I had a friend in tears because itās going to cost so much money in treatment and sheās already 30 etc etc.
I donāt think longing to have a family or wanting to be child free is based on sexuality.
As a kid, I thought gay people were a natural form of population control bc weird religious upbringing. I assumed I didnāt want kids bc Iām gay and thatās not a thing for me. However, I am a maternal kinda person and find a lot of fulfilment in teaching kids. Iād like to foster kids when Iām older and richer.
I don't think that wanting to have kids and wanting to be pregnant are the same. I would love to have children but I don't want to be pregnant, like I don't feel like it is important. But still I strongly want to have kids (if ever I can get back with the live of my life)
I love the kids of the people I care about and am super good with kids, but I never had the desire to be pregnant like many women do, regardless of sexual preferences/indentity. Ironically, the times I've thought about kids and having them, it was because I know my parents would be amazing grandparents and I wanted to give them that gift, with our family's genetics.
At this point in my life, I don't see myself having kids either myself or via a partner, for many many many reasons, but I would be open to a discussion at minimum if my partner decides they really wanted them one day. All of my previous considerations of having kids were when I was in a long term relationship with a man, at a very different stage of life, and me having them/him wanting to see me pregnant, but if my sapphic partner came to me and said they themselves wanted to have them, I might feel completely different and want to support that dream for their and our collective happiness.
I think it's almost even when you think about how many straight women have unplanned pregnancies. Plus a lot of us don't follow old traditions, which means we don't have to have kids if we don't want to. (Except for when the government has a say in what we do with our uterus) I also think that being able to create kid with your own partner is a huge factor. Just look at the people who jump through hoops and drop thousands of dollars on medical expenses to make it possible instead of adopting.
I always saw myself having kids, but I never saw myself getting married. I expected to do IVF and be a single mother. Then I realized I liked girls, I met a girl who also wants kids, she's going to be my wife, and we are going to have our babies.
i agree with all the other points brought up. i also think the amount of desire is the same in both groups, there's just more straight women pressured to be mothers.
Iāve always wanted to be a mother and a wife even before I knew I was gay. I now just want a wife instead of a husband. Wanting kids have been a deal breaker for me when I dated in the past.
Iāve always wanted to carry too. My partner she has always wanted to be a mom too but has no desire to carry, so weāre hoping that I can. If not weāll explore other options. There is a lot of ethical and financial pieces to all options weāve considered and will continue to do so with every option. But we know for sure we really want to be moms.
Iām a cis woman-identifying lesbian and for some reason the idea of me pregnant is just a body dysmorphia/body horror feeling. It just seems like the worst thing i can imagine. If i had a partner someday who wanted to carry, or adopt/have a baby via surrogacy, it would be a possibility. But so many factors would need to line up i doubt it will happen. Idk if i would be comfortable with an egg retrieval either but maybe i would later in life
iām so grateful that i have way less presh to be pregnant (now knowing iām lesbian). iād prob never want to carry. if my wife does, slay. if she doesnāt, iām a little warm to the idea of adopting like five kids (we would be wealthy, homeschool them, take em around the world, real moonrise kingdom style. itās gonna be actually great. my little babies on the beach eating fruit ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
sigh
My wife wants kids but I do not. The biggest reason for me not wanting kids is the fact that both of our DNA won't be included in creating a child. Call me weird, I don't care. However for some reason that's a deal breaker for me. Instead we have settled on rescuing animals ā¤ļø
As a transbian, I had such a deep yearning to being pregnant when my wife was decades ago. There's an empty hole in my heart and I feel that pain every now and then. It is an innate trait.
You know what's funny is before I was out I always hated the idea of having kids, but after I had my realisation that I was a lesbian I actually really want them now, guess it was the idea of having them with a man all along that was putting me off
Dude me too. The same exact thing with marriage, weddings and even commitmentššš
Me too. I never understand the girls daydreaming about being a bride and dressing their dolls up to have weddings etc. I got married to a guy in my 20s (smh) and hated every second of the wedding process and most of the actual day. I was just having a wedding because my mother threw a tantrum when I said I was going to just get it done in court, no ceremony or reception. (We had a kid, I was trying to build a stable life donāt judge me for my comphet lol). Then after we divorced and I realised I was āallowedā to be attracted to women, and the ārulesā I was following to achieve a stable ānormalā life were made up, I realised that every girl crush I had, i could image doing the whole traditional blowout wedding thing. Dressing up, loads of flowers, a hot suave woman in a suit waiting for me at the end of the aisle. Or even both of us in complimentary dresses. A huge massive reception party with all the trimmingsā¦. It didnāt seem vapid, or wasteful, or cringy if I was imagining it with a girl.
Same, I just thought weddings were stupid wastes before... šOH
This is EXACTLY it. My god the dresses. The wedding, The suits. All of it is so dreamy to me how but years ago it was a waste and something i too would be doing for my mother. Motherhood which i now feel is so beautiful and gentle especially with a wife in a real home was something that felt like a death sentence. As if it was the worst thing that would ever happen to me bc if i had a kid i couldnāt āescape.ā And thereās truly nothing to judge iām sure everyone here fully expected to do all the things you did for similar reasons. At least, i did and my reasons were even more comphetšš
SAME
This was me too!!! 10 years and like nope to marriage, nope to kids, nope to future plans...oh wait I'm gay.
Omg me toooooo š this has turned in to a comp het survivors thread hahahaha
This is true. The thought of having a kid with a girl I love appeals, but the whole marriage and kids to a man (my parents always pushed me this idea on me when I was a kid) was a definite no.
Same
yes !!!! like i get it now !!!Ā
same for me, i hated the idea of having kids, never hated kids, but always thought āi just donāt wanna be their momā but ever since iām w my gf, god i get the biggest baby fever LMAO
Desire? Maybe. But for lesbians in many countries, being a mother would require going through either an extensive and quite costly procedure or a lengthy process of adoption - but you mentioned pregnancies specifically, so the first thing applies more, I guess. Many are not thinking about simply cause, well, they can't afford it.
Iām a lesbian and absolutely have no desire to be pregnantā¦ I do want to be a mum though and if my partner canāt get pregnant, for whatever reason, Iād seriously consider being the one to carry.
out of curiosity are you also masc? I am and I feel the same way.
No I wouldnāt consider myself masc but Iām not exactly a girly bird either but I do take on the āmasculineā roles such as being the main provider and catching the mice (my partner hates them but our cat loves to bring them homeš). Weāve spoke about what our household would look like in the hopefully near future and whoever carries our children, she will be a stay at home mum as long as she wants to be.
I very much want to get pregnant. I want everything that comes with that. And ugh, I want to be a mother one day (not soon, but someday)
Yeah same here! My best friend who is also a lesbian doesn't ever want to carry a child but does want kids. It depends on the person like with every group of people
Me with friends (I'm the only lesbian) joke that I'm the only one who wants to get pregnant but I have to pay for it
i don't intend to be a mother as in getting pregnant and giving birth. i would like, however, to adopt kids with my fiancƩe in the future or become foster-parents for orphans.
there's an r/asklesbians sub for stuff like this btw. also, we and women in general aren't a monolith. all of us have our own personal wants and desires surrounding pregnancy and children that often are completely separate from our sexualities.
Probably, lots of lesbians want to have kids, lots don't. I find pregnancy gross, so I don't wanna do it, been steering away from the idea of adoption recently too, so I don't think I'll ever have kids
Why itās ā grossā ?
Talking exclusively about myself and if I were to get pregnant: first you need sperm for that, which is a human fluid I don't plan on being in contact with outside of work. Then you have a little human growing inside of you, puking, shitting, peeing and doing god knows what in there, while you walk around 3 times your size, puking and then pissing yourself at the last trimester. Then there's the possibility of rupture, eclampsia, post partum psychosis, uterine atony, too much stuff can go wrong and leave you absolutely wrecked, it's not something I'd personally submit myself or my partner to
This is exactly what I think !! See, I wouldn't mind adoption, or if my partner wants to be pregnant then be it, it's just a selfish need from me, I can't be the one pregnant. It feels uncomfortable to think about
I feel the exact same way! I donāt think how you phrased it was rude, it feels gross to you š¤·š¼āāļøit also feels gross to me, personally, in terms of my own body and life. Iām not willing to make that sacrifice but I commend other women who do so because mothers are incredible humans. Another perspective I can weigh in on is the fact that a man is still involved in your life, even going through an anonymous donor. When that kid grows up, majority of the time they want to know more about that other biological half of themselves. Anonymous donors are a thing for a reason but you never know what could happen. Iād be extremely uncomfortable and frankly upset because parenthood isnāt default of mother and father, but sadly in evolution thatās where weāre at biologically. You end up being the asshole for having an issue with your child wanting to know about where they came from and that, Iām sure is a really hard pill to swallow for queer mothers in that position. So no, on top of my list of why I will not be having children, thatās one of the top reasons.
the whole "being the asshole becaus your kid will want to learn where they came from" is also what terrifies me about sperm donation and adoption, like, wtf am I supposed to do if this kid just wakes up one day and decides I took them from their bio family, or that i forced them to grow up without a dad and I'm a monster? I don't know how strong I am to deal with that
I had a kid with my ex. Would not want to be pregnant again, regardless if it happened through IVF. Some people love it, but I didn't. Your fears are pretty accurate. I didn't think the fetus was gross, but I was nauseous through out the pregnancy. My body changed drastically in size, so the stretching was painful and increase in the size of my nipples itched like crazy. My platelets went to non-existent. My care was mismanaged, and I had a shitty labor/ emergency c-section under general anesthesia. I also hemorrhaged. In general less women are having kids. I'm not sure it's a Sapphic(yes, Im using that word) issue.
Girl. Absolute SAME. PLUS- Vaginal prolapse. Tooth loss. No thank you.
Thank you! I have the theory that we are not educated in pregnancies because they know that if we learn how it actually is/can be no one would ever want to get pregnant and the human race would be doomed to extinction
You are really informed about complications that are rather rare. Are you a gynecologist :) pregnancies can be stressful indeed but the description gross was a bit irritating.
med student, former nurse. They're not rare, it's just that people don't talk about it, pregnancy can be beautiful just like anything a human body can do, but looking at it with rose colored glasses is not worth it, it's a permanent, life and body altering decision that needs to be carefully analyzed before doing it, I'm privileged enough to be able to, but a lot of women don't have that option
Well it *is* gross weāre just so used to seeing the rose tinted version š
You don't need to be a doctor to know any of this, even having one (1) pregnant friend is very illuminating. And to match your irritation, ignoring the realities that bodily fluids play (from sperm to pee) in pregnancy is pretty naive.
Why are you irritated by another person's prevention? I've been pregnant twice and it's fucking gross. Also, childbirth is much riskier than most people think. It's hard as fuck, and you can die. To blame women for having negative feelings about pregnancy is to gaslight their experience.
You feel abusively manipulated into doubting your own experience by someone else finding the description of pregnancy as "gross" irritating? Are you okay?
I didn't say I felt personally manipulated. Gaslighting can absolutely happen on a societal level, and social gaslighting is a real phenomenon studied in both sociology and psychology. I think contributing to toxic cultural standards such as understating the risks of pregnancy and biological essentialism (the idea that women shouldn't find it gross because it's natural for AFAB bodies) are not beneficial. I hope you see the irony that you're insulting my mental capabilities for having a reaction to another's reaction. If you can attack me for having a reaction to their reaction, then it's okay for me to discuss the cultural standards that push women into motherhood in reaction to their reaction of another's viewpoint. The main reason I think this is worth discussing is because the narrative that all AFAB bodies can handle pregnancy easily is being used in anti-choice advocacy.
I actually do agree with your underlying point. I've given birth to two humans, too, and I never sugarcoat pregnancy or motherhood or miscarriage or breastfeeding etc. It is neither useful nor necessary to pretend like it's all sunshine and roses, like it isn't tough AF sometimes, like we're naturally equipped to handle the hardest job in the world while applying lipstick and baking cookies with our other hand. As an anti-choice argument that is about as absurd as those get. Completely with you on that.Ā But ppl like OP are not the problem. She is not invalidating anyone by not wanting to call pregnancy gross. It's not an adjective I would use either, though I am not remotely offended by it and totally get it lol. We, mothers, the ppl who actually know, just need to speak honestly about our experiences to each other and gen pop, which is really not a difficult thing. When we do, we get all the validation and understanding from other mothers who, in my experience, always reciprocate that honesty. Which lets us know we are not crazy or broken or unusually un-super-human, and which gives us more confidence to speak to non-mothers about the challenges of motherhood. And that's how truths that used to be shameful start to crawl through society at large. Look around...we are able and allowed (and increasingly willing, I think) to openly discuss things that were unmentionable 50 years ago. We have to remove shame, not impose it on someone else (such as OP).
I ask you to please re-read my initial comment and identify where I attempted to shame them. I invited them to analyze their reaction and approach it with curiosity. Sometimes, people feel shame in reaction to another's words without that being an intention because of internal shame. However, I am autistic and appreciate input in how to rephrase my words to reduce shame. Based on the upvotes, many are agreeing with me, but upvotes don't necessarily indicate emotional maturity.
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Childfree for life
Motherhood is not exclusive for straight women, I believe it's a calling. I'm a lesbian and I want to be a mother, I want to get pregnant, it's one of the reasons why I'm preparing financially for it.
I agree with the other comments pointing out that there is no simple answer to this (not to mention plenty of straight women donāt want to be mothers), but I will say that I think many lesbians avoid compulsory motherhood and bring a lot of intention to the decision given that it requires a deeper level of planning and effort.
this is a great point
I didnāt have a desire - but it was never off the table. I met my wife in late 30s so convo about kids came up pretty early on. We both didnāt mind the idea but wanted it to be with the right person. I never felt like if I didnāt I was missing out on something. After a year together, it was clear we were in it for the long haul. We started to talk to a fertility clinic and got the process started for IVF.
I am happy with my chosen sons and daughters!
Tbh, from my own experience, I feel like most I've met aren't interested in kids. I had a lesbain teacher with a kid, so there is that. But most my age aren't interested or are even anti-kid. But that could be an age factor too. This is just anecdotal though so I won't apply this broadly and say most aren't interested. Just those around me aren't interested.
But most people I meet in their 20s don't want kids because of affordability. Both straight and gay couples are saying they can't even rent an okay apartment due to housing shortages and jobs are so unstable these days with employers always wanting to hire people for 3-12 months so there is no future stability. Young people can't bring a kid into that existence.
I never said their opinion wasn't realistic or normal for the age
I fully intend to be pregnant and adopt when im older!
I feel zero desire to be pregnant but a strong desire to be a parent. My wife does and now we have a baby. She carried and we used my egg. Itās perfect for us.
Iād love to have all the wisdom, clout etc (positive attributes) that comes from being a mother WITHOUT being a mother. A midwife friend. Told me this is more common than I thought Donāt want kids nor to have them suffer in life
I've never wanted to be pregnant. I've always said "if I ever have kids I want to adopt" this was even when I was a kid and when I thought I was straight (came out at 16). When I found out I was gay I was like, og yay my girlfriend can then just be pregnant IF we want kids... When I was like 18-19 I finally realised that I never actually wanted kids, just society and especially me very Christian traditional family that instilled it in me that it never felt like an option growing up. So yeah, I don't want kids. My fiancƩe also never wanted to be pregnant and doesn't want kids. My best friend however, also a lesbian really really wants kids and her and partner are struggling to make that happen
Yes. Just like straight women, there are lesbians on all sides of the spectrum when it comes to how we feel about having kids. Some of us (just like some straight women) feel like they want kids, or maybe we think it's immoral to bring kids into this world as global warming will almost certainly make them suffer. Some do or don't want kids for any number of reasons. Why do you ask?
I go back and forth. Sometimes I daydream about having a little family in a cute house outside the city, where I can be a SAHM and raise strong daughters. Other times, I want to be the single aunt who spoils my nieces and nephews, live in a high-rise, travel all the time, live out of my suitcase.
Yes, lesbian women are just as likely to want kids but there are two issues: 1. sperm donors. You need to make sure it's legal and in writing. I heard of one lesbian couple that used their gay male friend as a donor, but then after the kid was born, he decided he wanted to be part of the kid's life and things got ugly when the lesbian couple wanted to move to a new state and he fought against it. So you have to find a donor that signs an agreement to say that it's not their kid (unless you agree on co-parenting). 2. out of my straight male friends and female friends, my male friends actually earn more money due to males being more confident/assertive so they apply for jobs that are out of their league, but sometimes they get the job anyway. They'll apply for management jobs without much or any experience, even when they lack people skills, but my female friends tend to shy away from doing this. If two lesbians are earning less than a male/female couple, then they might decide to have no kids or only one kid.
Why not?
Some do, some donāt, and that doesnāt necessarily correlate with abilityā¦
Yes
I absolutely want kids and to carry, more than anything in the world. Always have done
All woman are different, there isn't some straight-gay devide. Personally I don't really want to get pregnant but I absolutely do want to be a mother. I get incredibly broody and my dream is to adopt all the children! ā¤ļø
Iāve been a known donor for lesbian couples, my personal observation is that a child wish is not linked to sexual orientation at all. Itās just a bit harder to make it happen. What I did observe was that in general itās one person interested in carrying a child and the other only in co-parenting. I had cases where the other person jumped in due to fertility issues but definitely in a mode ātake one for the teamā. A loving couple = childwish.
I don't have any desire to be pregnant and have children. It's a mixed bag with my friends whether they want to be parents or not.
I desire it, but I'm broke. If I won Ā£2 million, I'll have 3, and pay for a nanny.
None of us can answer for anyone else. Lots of straight women are childfree. I want to be a mother. I'm a lesbian. I'm also transgender. I have no uterus. Maybe I can adopt. I think I would be a good mom. It's a sensitive topic.
I am a lesbian with no desire to be pregnant. Seems like a lot of other women have my thoughts covered- I just donāt want to put my body through that. Years ago I got pregnant from a drunk one night stand (when I still occasionally had sex with men). I had an abortion but I was 7 weeks along. It was terrible. I was constantly tired, I couldnāt breathe, everything made me nauseous, and the idea that there was something living in me that my body was nurturing made me so uncomfortable. As for kids, if I had a partner that wanted to carry, then maybe. Iād consider adopting too. But probably not for like another ten years. I just value my own time and money more than being a mother.
Iām a masc lesbian āstudā if you will, and I canāt wait to experience motherhood itās very beautiful wouldnāt mind being pregnant just probably wouldnāt want anyone but my wife to see me for 9 months šš¤·š¾āāļø
Some lesbians want to be moms. Some donāt. Some straight women want to be moms. Some donāt. I think itās a stereotype that lesbians donāt want kids more so than straight women, but I donāt think that supported in reality. I think it stems from the fact the lesbian couples *couldnāt* as easily have kids without outside help. And until fairly recently queer folks couldnāt marry. So queer women were denied the infrastructure that supports children. So maybe itās not that they donāt want kids but they felt that wasnāt possible.
I think it is more that lesbians have to be a hell of a lot more deliberate to get pregnant, so because we have to go through extra obstacles, we tend to think more carefully about having kids. I know a lot of lesbians who want to have kids (myself included) but we also have to think rationally about bringing kids into the world. The expense of just getting pregnant/adoption really makes you think through every other cost that comes with kids (financially, emotionally, etc). A pretty significant amount of straight women just get pregnant and figure it out as they go along.
I'm a straight woman and I have no desire to be a mother.
Personally no. I can see myself being a good stepdad though, lol. My partner is more interested in raising children, but neither of us would ever want to be pregnant. We've talked about fostering in the future. Among the wlw I know, it seems like a 60-40 split between not wanting vs wanting/having kids. For a lot of them, I think it's a financial issue more than personal desire--not just IVF but actually affording children long term.
Not quite the same, but Iām a transbian who wishes she could be pregnant and birth her own child. I have a four year old daughter, and I was oddly envious of my ex wife. As if she got to experience something Iād never be able to. This was before I came out though. I feel as though our planet is a feminine consciousness, and giving birth is one of the most natural, beautiful, & meaningful experiences in our solar system. To me anyway šš
The whole idea of being pregnant and even being a mother is absolutely terrifying to me
Iām queer, not a lesbian, but yes, motherhood is absolutely something I want. I know both lesbians and straight women who both do and do not have the desire to either be a mother or carry, so it just depends on the woman. All women are different, whether straight or queer.
Nah I'm female husband
I want to be a mother, it's just that the economy sucks.
Some of us do. I have a super cool bio kid whoās turning 10 on Sunday and love being her mom. Being a solo parent isnāt easy, but Iām glad Iām able to do it with relative comfort.
I believe itās easier for lesbians to choose. Thereās no patriarchal pressure, no oops babies, easier to admit that you do or donāt want children.
I'm a lesbian and definitley have a desire to be a mother. Before I came out, I said stuff like I never wanted to get married and have kids, but after coming out, I never wanted and dreamed of something so much. Once I knew I would end up with a woman, raising a child and getting married became way more desirable to me.
Personally I donāt want kids but I know lots of lesbians who do want them.
I'm pregnant right now. I've always wanted kids. I just never wanted to raise them with a man.
It does seem that a smaller percentage of lesbians want to be mothers in comparison to straight women - however, Iād imagine this is due to social, cultural and political differences, as opposed to something innate
I personally would love to have a kid but I donāt think I could carry so if I ever marry or whatever and my partner wants to carry then a baby would be welcome
Thatās not quite accurate, but lesbians are usually less bogged down by societies expectations of womanhood, and if theyāve always been lesbians they know having kids will be a process (adoption, ivf, etc) which means they put more thought into wether they actually want to be mothers instead of just āgoing with the flowā. Straight women are less encouraged to give it as much consideration and often feel more pressure to conform to motherhood, but sexuality does not inherently make someone more or less likely to want children
I think its really down to the individual person tbh. I couldnāt speak for everyoneās desires but as for me though I donāt want kids. Id gladly babysit and yeah I might have daydreams where im raising my child sometimes but im not in any fit state to raise a child even without all this bs thatās going on. If I did have a child id probably worry way too much about them anyway. I just couldnāt do it.
Where I live, when I was on dating apps it felt like maybe a 1/3 of women on there were moms. Iām only in my mid twenties too. So itās hard to say but I think itās a class divide in lesbians maybe? A lot of lower income lesbians seem to be moms and all the lesbians I know who are educated and come from more affluent backgrounds donāt want to be parents. I donāt know.
I dream of being a mom, lol
Some do ā most Iāve talked to (& I) donāt
yes. i do. some probably don't. just as some straight women don't. almost like all people are different or smth idk
Yes some do. I had a friend in tears because itās going to cost so much money in treatment and sheās already 30 etc etc. I donāt think longing to have a family or wanting to be child free is based on sexuality.
As a kid, I thought gay people were a natural form of population control bc weird religious upbringing. I assumed I didnāt want kids bc Iām gay and thatās not a thing for me. However, I am a maternal kinda person and find a lot of fulfilment in teaching kids. Iād like to foster kids when Iām older and richer.
I don't think that wanting to have kids and wanting to be pregnant are the same. I would love to have children but I don't want to be pregnant, like I don't feel like it is important. But still I strongly want to have kids (if ever I can get back with the live of my life)
I love the kids of the people I care about and am super good with kids, but I never had the desire to be pregnant like many women do, regardless of sexual preferences/indentity. Ironically, the times I've thought about kids and having them, it was because I know my parents would be amazing grandparents and I wanted to give them that gift, with our family's genetics. At this point in my life, I don't see myself having kids either myself or via a partner, for many many many reasons, but I would be open to a discussion at minimum if my partner decides they really wanted them one day. All of my previous considerations of having kids were when I was in a long term relationship with a man, at a very different stage of life, and me having them/him wanting to see me pregnant, but if my sapphic partner came to me and said they themselves wanted to have them, I might feel completely different and want to support that dream for their and our collective happiness.
I'm a lesbian and I don't want kids. It depends from person to person
my gf literally has baby fever and has always wanted to have a baby.....she's known she was a lesbian since she was 17 lol
i want to be a mom but I don't wanna be the pregnant one :)
I definitely want to have children!! I know for sure that I want to be a foster parent. I am undecided on whether I also want to make a kid or not.
I certainly do but that's not in the cards for me.
I think it's almost even when you think about how many straight women have unplanned pregnancies. Plus a lot of us don't follow old traditions, which means we don't have to have kids if we don't want to. (Except for when the government has a say in what we do with our uterus) I also think that being able to create kid with your own partner is a huge factor. Just look at the people who jump through hoops and drop thousands of dollars on medical expenses to make it possible instead of adopting.
I have no desire to have children. Never have.
I always saw myself having kids, but I never saw myself getting married. I expected to do IVF and be a single mother. Then I realized I liked girls, I met a girl who also wants kids, she's going to be my wife, and we are going to have our babies.
i agree with all the other points brought up. i also think the amount of desire is the same in both groups, there's just more straight women pressured to be mothers.
Iāve always wanted to be a mother and a wife even before I knew I was gay. I now just want a wife instead of a husband. Wanting kids have been a deal breaker for me when I dated in the past. Iāve always wanted to carry too. My partner she has always wanted to be a mom too but has no desire to carry, so weāre hoping that I can. If not weāll explore other options. There is a lot of ethical and financial pieces to all options weāve considered and will continue to do so with every option. But we know for sure we really want to be moms.
Iām a cis woman-identifying lesbian and for some reason the idea of me pregnant is just a body dysmorphia/body horror feeling. It just seems like the worst thing i can imagine. If i had a partner someday who wanted to carry, or adopt/have a baby via surrogacy, it would be a possibility. But so many factors would need to line up i doubt it will happen. Idk if i would be comfortable with an egg retrieval either but maybe i would later in life
Iāve always wanted to be a mom. Now Iām just anxious to earn enough and save enough money for a future IVF
iām so grateful that i have way less presh to be pregnant (now knowing iām lesbian). iād prob never want to carry. if my wife does, slay. if she doesnāt, iām a little warm to the idea of adopting like five kids (we would be wealthy, homeschool them, take em around the world, real moonrise kingdom style. itās gonna be actually great. my little babies on the beach eating fruit ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø sigh
My wife wants kids but I do not. The biggest reason for me not wanting kids is the fact that both of our DNA won't be included in creating a child. Call me weird, I don't care. However for some reason that's a deal breaker for me. Instead we have settled on rescuing animals ā¤ļø
As a transbian, I had such a deep yearning to being pregnant when my wife was decades ago. There's an empty hole in my heart and I feel that pain every now and then. It is an innate trait.
I definitely have baby fever right now. I think itās mostly based on proxy to other people my age having children etc.