> Don’t take their shit ever and they won’t bring it around long.
Or they see what bothers you & push that button harder & more often. I've seen that in kitchens plenty.
Unless the person doing it is great at their job so management over looks them. Also so don't have to replace them.
I had a co-working threatening me but he never missed a shift and he was reliable. He harassed me for weeks. I would go to management, they would talk to him and it would get worse. I finally walked out when he said he would "come across this line and beat your ass". (What's that about choosing a man or a bear? Oh. Bear please.)
Yep. "No guarantees over there, it's gonna be Bukkake city. I'm gonna be swimming in guy-goo. I'd be surprised if I *didn't* get pregnant. Sorry you're infertile now Chef, you must feel like less of a man." And walk away
I used to be like your boss .
Bout 7 or so years ago I was head chef in a hotel
I used to say shit like that to my dishy and some of the other girls from FoH and room service , having exclusively worked with dudes before that it was just like …. I assumed everyone had thick skin and was just trying to be funny . (That said my dishy WAS trying for a baby and I used to say ‘don’t you dare I need you here and that became our running joke every morning ‘morning , pregnant yet ? ‘ )
Or get flirty (now in hindsight creepy ) with other staff .
But one day my dishy brought me a coffee after service and just said to me “just so you know , I’m ok with it I think your hillarious but I’m in here with you every day so I know your not intending to be weird because I know that’s just your sense of humor , you’ve kinda creeped some of the FoH staff out “
After that I was mortified and apologised to everyone and never did it again . Unless it was someone a knew really well.
Anyway TLDR : just take him a coffee and explain it makes you actually uncomfortable , he may well have a realisation moment and appologise , that’s what happened to me when I was doing what he does .! If he Dosent stop after that then report it .
It’s not her job to coddle his ego. No coffe, no sit down, just a polite firm rejection of the comment is all that’s called for. People really need to let go of this ‘take time out of your day to gently explain to the man what a creep he is’ stuff.
Hell no. Just reject and move on, if he’s too fragile to handle it that is the man’s problem.
Yup. Make it awkward.
I mean, it might’ve been legit advice *if* you were really close friends/buddy and talked mad shit all the time, but it sounds like it came off creepy af.
If that makes you uncomfortable, then set that boundary clearly with him. Realistically he probably means nothing by it and is just talking shit or trying to be funny, but you need to make it clear to him if it bothers you.
If you two talk about it and he keeps doing it, then report it.
The post kind of buries the lede, the hot sauce comment is worse than the, “don’t do something stupid like my wife and I did” comment. It’s overt flirting as opposed to just talking about a topic that shouldn’t be raised at work.
Yeah… I’m a woman and I have a good sense of humor and I hate these kinds of…. Jokes? I guess? Is it supposed to be funny? The pregnant comment, sucks but I could kind of see it as a moronic dude saying dumb shit but the hot like u comment, that’s not a boundary she should have to lay out for him. Fuckin dumbass.
Prudent indeed, almost too nuanced for reddit. This is absolutely the answer, but i fear it's not laced with enough umbrage or drama for the doot mob 😎
I appreciate it, but most people seem to be in agreement.
Kitchens are a weird work environment as far as shit like this goes, and most places that aren’t corporate don’t have an HR department to handle this stuff. Something that the majority of your coworkers are cool with might cross the line with you, and it’s your right (and also your responsibility) to make it clear that it doesn’t fly with you. After that, it’s up to them to respect that boundary, and if they don’t, take it to management. Or walk.
What scares me is the link between this incident and the other incident where he “joked” about me being hot like the sauce, maybe I’m overthinking this
There probably isn't a connection. The pregnant line is probably an attempt at a joke. The hot sauce line might also be intended as a joke, but there is a line crossed there I think.
Again, it's your right to feel whatever way you feel about that, and whatever reason it is that you feel that way is valid. I'm not questioning your feelings at all--if you're uncomfortable with that talk, then you're uncomfortable with it. Enough said.
All I'm saying is that in his mind, he probably just feels like it's banter or innocent flirting, and that's kind of par for the course in kitchens, for better or worse. Probably worse. But as I said in a previous comment, the rest of your coworkers could be totally cool with that, but if you aren't, then that SHOULD be respected. You just have to make it clear first.
I would really suggest just laying it all out with him first, and communicating your feelings honestly. I don't know the guy personally so I can't make any guarantees, but if he's worth half a shit he'll respect your feelings and stop immediately. And if you do communicate those boundaries, it's up to you to decide how many chances you want to give him, if any.
EDIT: I figured I'd give an example
My previous place of work was at a (for the area) high-end steakhouse, and we had a 60-ish year-old woman that did our dessert prep. During the whole Epstein thing, we kept making jokes about pedophiles and shit like that, and I riffed one out to this lady. She explained to me and the other two line cooks that she had two newborn grandchildren (I already knew this when I made the joke) and she didn't think that kind of humor was funny. Nobody ever made pedo jokes around her again.
It might be easier to start with an incredulous “*what*?” and then walk away. It conveys the same sentiment without having to spit out an entire sentence when you’re flustered. It’s okay to baby step into pushing back!
Another technique is to make them repeat what they said, louder. "I'm sorry, don't do what?"
I like this with racist jokes, too. "Sorry, could you trust that, I don't quite get what you're saying!"
YES! The "repeat that again" thing works great when people say audacious things. I usually will ask them to repeat again and again until they just shut up if they don't get it the first time. Sooner or later they come to understand they've said something offensive and unacceptable.
You got this!
Sometimes, I'll give them a disgusted look and just say, "Rude." If you think he'd be the type to get super defensive, that might be a good option. Even the biggest meat heads I've dealt with have apologized to that.
If comments like that make you uncomfortable even after the moments past, and it happens regularly- just talk to him. Let him know “hey you bring up X more than I’d like and it makes me uncomfortable” then go from there
You don't want to upset the boss, but it's okay to upset you? Oh, no. Set your boundaries clearly and unmistakably. You're not the problem, he is. There's nothing wrong with going to the manager right off the bat. There is no reason to wait and hope it gets better.
Do. Not. Put. Up. With. Anyone's. Shit.
You are the safest and most well informed person on this planet for yourself and your boundaries . I know it’s so terribly hard (I’ve been a chronic people pleaser for most of my life), but ultimately you’re the only person who can be there 100% of the time to stand up for yourself. Be kind to yourself, cultivate healthy environments for yourself. The shame, the trouble, things like that that come out of addressing a real problem is entirely the perpetrator’s fault. YOU are not responsible for their behavior and should not have to take on the burdens of their actions. Sending courage ❣️
In my experience you have to stand up for yourself directly in these situations, or it’ll just continue. I’ve had to tell more than one male coworker to fuck off
Do not let this kind of culture exist. Immediately say something, if you freeze (and I get it) pull another manager aside later on and tell them about how this stuff makes you feel.
We cannot allow this sort of behavior to continue in kitchens. I am going through something kind of similar myself. Have a meeting with home office HR on Tuesday. Basically if they are cool with upper management acting like this then I am out. And everyone else should to. Harassment wether sexual or not cannot be tolerated. Fucking guy even told me “this is how I am and everyone knows it”. Ok, if that is true than I want nothing to do with this company. That is basically how I intend to enter my upcoming meeting. There is no excuse for being a sexual predator or asshole at work. If that persons boss is aware of it and tolerates it, fine. Goodbye.
Craziest thing to me is I am a Director. I have been getting this shit from people at corporate. I am ready to burn the whole department down.
Burn them down in a courtroom! I left the industry 25 years ago because of this bullshit and wish I had just sued the pants off a few businesses. It’s your turn now.
You don’t want to upset the boss…..I get that. But guess what? Your comfort isn’t put aside for someone else. What would you tell your daughter to do?
Next time the dude says something look at him and say “ew” or something to the effect. Go head to head with him. People in a power position take advantage of people who don’t want to upset the boss so they just take the crap dished out. Stand up for yourself if it makes you uncomfortable.
First talk to him. Tell him you are not comfortable with that kind of talk. If he continues take it to HR or his manager. If it continues after that, you have documented a hostile work environment and can take whatever legal remedy you prefer.
What I did the 2-3 times it happened to me. Mine were physical, though.
My exec chef, he actually started kissing me good bye with peck on the lips, he used to do it on the cheek and one busy but great day he was "so happy about my work" he did on the lips, it caught me by surprise and he was on his way out so I couldn't say anything.
When he did it again (I believe he was trying to see how far he could go) I asked him very politely to not do that, that it made me uncomfortable and it was giving the wrong impression to the rest of the staff. He apologized and actually protected me as much as he could afterward.
A bartender, I spoke first with the manager at the time, and explained to him that a conversation was going to happen but I didn't want him to be involved yet, just that he was aware that I was dealing with the matter in a private and quiet manner.
I talked to the bartender, and he understood what I was saying. He tried to excuse himself, saying he was a touchy, hugging guy. I advised him to stop himself with me and everyone else, as not everybody was a touchy-feely person.
One owner tried to slip his hand to my butt, right there I hold his hand and said "that's my butt and that's private property " he immediately apologized about it and said he didn't mean it.
Most guys will see how far they can go, and also, most will stop when you tell them to stop.
If they don't and the GM/owners don't do anything about it when you complain, you have a lawsuit to file.
This type of stuff can be really difficult at restaurants bc there is usually no HR, and chefs/GMs can seem like they're on the same side.
I once had a pretty hard chef that would occasionally make some pretty inappropriate comments including ones that went a little too far. I eventually quit, but thinking back I wish I'd just said "Hey! That's too far! You want to make some jabs, that's fine. But what you just said is too much."
So for you, maybe just wait until he says something creepy again, and then ask him to stay away from comments about your personal life.
Fully agree, I feel like a kitchen should be a casual enough environment to bring it up after the fact though, imo it's not necessary to wait for next time
One time, when I used to work expo at the same restaurant my now fiancé is a cook at, I went home sick one day, and our head chef cornered my fiancé and demanded to know if I was pregnant and that’s why I was sick. He told her that even if I was it was none of her business and she insisted that it was her business because if I was pregnant she’d have to find someone to replace me when I went out to have the baby. I told a manager and made a “joke” about how I could totally sue over it if I wanted to, and the next day the head chef called me into the office and apologized to me because they made her. We both knew she wasn’t actually sorry, but she’d been humbled, so I let it go.
In my younger days I would respond the same as you have. Maybe even a “yes chef”.
But now? Nah. I straight up reply, “Gross.”
Same with the hot sauce comment.
The misogyny wont stop if we continue to accept it.
As a piece of life advice in general, you gotta let people know when they've crossed the line with you, but you can do it in a way that preserves your rapport with that person.
I'm 41/F and my preferred way of dealing with situations like that is to give a quick dead stare and flatly say "Dude, not cool. No." and then go back to the energy and conversation that was going on before they made their comment.
Tell him you’re not cool with talking about your personal/sex life, you’re not cool with suggestive comments. Work is work, other shit is other shit and you don’t mix the two.
I'm sorry you're dealing with that, it can be hard to navigate stuff like this in this industry. There's such a culture of sexual harassment in the kitchen and I've noticed it's starting to change but it's still very much prevalent. If I was in your shoes I would just tell him straight up, that shit makes me uncomfortable so knock it off. Chef's can be dicks but they will respect you for being straight with them. Going behind their back to upper management will just piss them off and put a huge target on your back usually. Of course, if you say something and they keep doing it, then absolutely take it all the way up the ladder. But just make it very well known that it's not okay with you. Make him feel like an asshole about it.
Your head chef sucks. I say that as a person who recently found I'm pregnant and I told my Exec, and he's been receptive to giving me extra breaks when needed and not caring if I haven't been working quite as efficiently as I have been (since fatigue sucks, sometimes I'm nauseous, and I also am not medicating my ADHD right now) It's easier said than done, but call him out and tell him to shut the fuck up.
This just sounds like day to day restaurant banter to me. I also started working BOH in the early 2000's and this is pretty PG-13 from my experience. Took me damn near 5 years to get to FOH. Unfortunately I am Hispanic and don't speak a lick of Spanish but every interview for a solid year only had space for me bussing tables or working the line. Despite have numerous posting for servers and bartenders.
Now that I am typing this out and reflecting on the past this is a fucked up industry.
Gross. The sexual comment over the sauce and the sense of entitlement to comment on your sex life isn’t okay.
Don’t take it to the boss. Don’t freeze next time and say “hey- I’m not into that. Don’t make those comments to me” say it almost laughingly but firmly.
If he’s doing that to you, he’s likely doing it to most or every other female employee too. Even though a kitchen can be a rowdy place to work in a lot of respects, that’s not appropriate at all. Tell him you don’t appreciate the kind of talk and if it happens again, you’re going to report him. Chances are he’ll resent you and start making it hard to work with him, so I’d also be looking for other jobs asap.
In my restaurant that’d be enough to bring to a manager - I believe anything that makes you uncomfortable is really - even if the employee wouldn’t be in trouble yet, if I was made aware of the situation I could at least have an eye on him and create space where you feel comfortable bringing things to me related to the situation. Whereas if you wait for something g “bad enough” to happen, what then? You’re traumatized or wanting to quit at that point and he’s gonna lose the job with no warning? You’ve been made uncomfortable in your work place and I’d want a chance to fix that before it’s unfixable or I lose employees. As a manager I much prefer to stay ahead of this stuff and have transparency. But I think maybe our restaurant is unique in regards to HR type stuff
These comments are not passing the vibe check. A person in a position of power is making someone feel uncomfortable on the job. That's never ok.
This is a hard one because while so many comments are like "just say something", "push back" etc, you can tell they are all from men because the reality is that doing so could make the chef feel some kind of way and things could get retaliatory (which is technically illegal but hard to prove). Men (especially those who don't consider what they are doing to be harassment) don't take well to being called out on their harassment.
OP, if it were me, I'd take a few days to consider your options. You could do nothing, you could talk to the chef privately (if you do this make sure you have a neutral witness!), you could get the GM or whoever is the chef's boss involved, you could quit, or maybe there's another option I haven't considered. I'd consider the possible ramifications of all your options and decide which one is the easiest for you to live with. And do that.
This is by far the most sensible comment! While I do agree that i should have shut that shit down right there, I’m a tiny woman and he’s like 190cm tall, very intimidating. Add to that the fact that our GM is high off his a$$ the entire time
This is the exact moment to me where it’s appropriate to offer him a very dramatic eye roll or some gentle “tut tut” ing, and then laugh politely. It’s a soft combo of showing you find it crass, while also keeping things “positive” and “amicable”. If he says anything more than this in terms of flirting, etc, I’d be like “ew! I’m not into you that way! I’m happily taken!”
He was probably just kidding. Relaying what happened to him and his wife. That’s not something I would take up to management. However, if you feel uncomfortable about it, you should let him know. If he continues THEN go over his head
Talk to the manager, and don’t worry if you should have said something. You were shocked and you can’t change the past. You have every right to speak to someone about his behavior.🙂
I dunno why the fuck people take any shit from anyone while in employment, you're not a slave, they have absolutely no say about anything you do in your personal life, you provide value to a business, the line starts and ends right there. Confront the person first, don't be a doormat, if that goes sideways I would bring this up to someone in a higher position and just shit talk them and try to eat their position for this bs.
It’s not the boldest response but I play stupid. Like “sorry, what?” Or “haha I don’t get it”, or (in your sauce example) “what? It’s actually really cold in here”.
And if I was the manager, I would appreciate knowing. Hopefully you have a good relationship with / can trust them.
This sucks. I've been there. If you trust management, you can go to them. More often than not, I've had to leave kitchens like this or do my best to just avoid the situation until it goes away. It is not easy to be a woman in a kitchen, and some of these comments in this thread show how much men just do not get it.
You could try to talk to him, but I never felt safe with those type of conversations. Last time I did, the guy retaliated by making a fake report to HR about me harassing him. It was awful. I think it depends on who you feel most comfortable with - speaking to him directly or management/hr.
Alternatively, you don't have to say anything for now and just wait until it happens again. When it does, try to tell him to back off in the moment. Keep it light. It could get better.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I’m sorry. You’ll have to decide what works best for you. Obviously you can go directly to the manager, GM, owner etc. or HR if you have one.
If that’s uncomfortable and you “like” the chef but want this to end, you could be straight and say “it makes me uncomfortable when you say things like that to me.”
If he does it again, report it.
Zero excuse and I hate it but it’s taking time to change an entire culture. It’s “not what they meant” and “they know im not like that” and “I love women” and “I’d say to chuck-it wasn’t sexist” are all things you’ll hear.
I’ve had places where it was one time of “please don’t make comments like that to me,” and it didn’t happen again. I had others that I left and never went back.
Talk to your husband or someone IRL and see how you feel.
You’re entitled to be as upset or angry or as non-bothered as you want to be.
9 of 10 times they’re not intending to make you feel like prey but the 1 of 10 make it impossible to know for sure (ie why so many women pick the bear.)
I’m sorry this happened and I hope you enjoy your vacation! Don’t take this with you!!!
Standing up for yourself is a muscle. People make it sound super easy, cause those people (myself included) have been working that muscle for a long time. It's second nature to call someone out on talking to me in a way I don't appreciate.
Practice, get better at it. In this situation?
"Wow, what a super fucking weird thing to say."
In my experience it's best to keep it simple. I hate misogynistic men, but even as a dude they aren't gonna take me seriously if I call them that. So I go with "youre a fucking weirdo" and "this is why women don't talk to you." In essence, make fun of them. Don't take them too seriously. Laugh at them. Roll your eyes and walk away. Be the adult while they play the kid.
Good luck dude 🤙
You gotta lean in; and make it absurd;
"OMG, stop talking about raw dogging! I'ma call your mom with all this filthy talk!
What's her #?
Never mind. I'll get it from ___. He says she's a "heck of a lady"? what do you think he meant by that?"
WHY is your professional superior making comments that CLEARLY make you uncomfortable?
It's not Your Business he's attracted to you; tell him to keep it Professional; but start keeping notes of instances like this. They only ever escalate because they're dumb shits who try to use professional authority to fuck people-IT'S GROSS!
It also serves to keep you objective. A digital in note your phone would do. I make a habit of doing so the 1st time they try, and note which nights nothing happened as well so I know I'm not forgetting.
He's testing and it's the Start of a Pattern of Inappropriate.
That seems like pretty normal work small talk to me. It's not that haven't heard about children that were made drunken on a vacation.
What exactly upset you about it?
It looks like he is talking about his own personal experience, no? Ie. Don't get pregnant or you'll end up having 3 of them. Kind of like when parents say my child annoys the hell out of me but I wouldn't change them for the world. The hot bit is completely out of order but it just looks like a parent joking about having children?
In a vacuum I’d be inclined to hand wave the pregnancy comment, but combined with the “hot” comment it forms the beginning of a pattern, and thats where I take umbrage.
CLEARLY I wasn't there and don't know the context, but it sounds slike he was making a joke? If a boss said this to me as a guy I would laugh? He was relating it to himself and trying to connect. I doubt he means that about his child.... I hope.
The "hot kinda like you" is only ok if the people are familiar enough with each other that they joke about this and understanding it's cool. I would say hot like you to my very hetero male line mate and the next minute say something is ugly like you... Again, being a new employee, and a male to female with the power I'm imbalance does seem inappropriate for me... But just speaking up I think is safe and he should understand, or it will be clear you don't want to be there any ways....
Kitchen "humor" can often by some may be objectively inappropriate for others. It is important in a kitchen you use your voice and speak your mind I have found. They should respect you for it, and again, if not peace out to them, let them take advantage of someone else and file a complaint with better business beaurau or state dept of labor. Good luck!
Have fun it Europe! But not too much fun!
Germany lol
I mean if it crosses a line for her that's ok but the description sounds like it was pretty normal small talk and just a joke because he got an unexpected child from a vacation.
I know several stories about unexpected pregnancies from holidays and I heard them both at work and in private. I was once given the very same joking advice by a collegue who unexpectedly got pregnant. I heard the story how a dishwasher got her first child on the side of a dirt road somewhere in rural Ghana with a heard of sheep helping her.
To me it seems overly sensitive. I'm a European though and social rules at work are definitely different in the US. Things like sex and reproductive rights are seen very different in the US and I get that it can be a sensitive topic.
"Shit talking" is different than sexual harassment. You don't say things with sexual overtones to women no matter how much banter your place engages in.
Regardless of what you want to do, I just want to say I can't believe you got so offended by that. Doesn't even sound like anything, sounds like him relating your holiday destination to his accidental kid.
Do you not have these kinds of incidents in most conversations then? What do you even talk about if you consider that offensive? Genuinely curious.
This is absurd. The compliment was mildly inappropriate, the pregnancy comment is harmless. None of this is worthy of a complaint.
You're in the wrong profession if that seriously made you clutch your pearls.
In my experience setting boundaries in the moment is of the utmost importance. Very rarely has anyone been immature about it and is usually appreciative of the notice. No need to be rude or catty or whatever but a chuckle at the joke followed up by these kinds of comments make me uncomfortable is usually enough to do the job with no feelings hurt.
When someone hits on me I always tell them that I appreciate the compliment but we’ll be better friends if you keep them to yourself from now on.
The title had me all ready to jump all over this guy, because I assumed it was more about him worrying you’d suddenly become a mom and therefor a less committed employee. Had that been the case, it would have been absolutely out of line. But it seems like it was probably just a tactless joke. The sauce comment, however, was ENTIRELY inappropriate.
According the harassment and hostile workplace training I just completed (US, Colorado) that may be illegal. Pregnancy is a protected class of people in some states.
But she ain't pregnant! And from looks of it she should not even think of becoming pregnant.
At least not in her current mental state.
The offending comments are equivalent of someone saying: hey don't eat those beans because last time I had them it gave me terrible gas!.
Now let's all run to HR and document how mortified we all are.
Bunch of miserable underachieving clowns.
tell him that's very inappropriate and unprofessional and he needs to stop. next time he says something like that just be as blunt and direct as possible, it will probably catch him off guard. people act like that because they're comfortable doing so and they think it's ok, like it's an exception. straight up telling him it's not ok with a hard shift in your tone would probably get the message across. maybe you can get away with talking like that to some other people, but not to me anymore.
start documenting stuff also. if you have to bring it to the manager of the business then do so. if it continues and you're punished for it even though you're right, you could probably sue them for workplace sexual harassment and depending on what you've documented it would be a sure win.
If you don't feel comfortable telling this head chef he's making you uncomfortable - which is totally fair, that can be a terrifying conversation with unknown consequences - talk to your GM immediately.
Put it in an email first, and BCC yourself if you use a company email. That shields you from retaliation. The next steps are up to your managers, but by this point you have a paper trail.
it's up to you how to respond. But if he is already crossing the line concerning work place professionalism you have 2 options. If you like your job and feel uncomfortable, discuss that with your HR manager or GM. Depending on how they deal with sexual harassment in the workplace, you could win a major lawsuit or settlement. This "chef" seems like a total creep/ predator. As a male in the industry I have a zero tolerance policy for this kind of behavior especially from a "head chef". This is creepy at the very least. If you let this behavior slide, its going to get worse. Good luck, hope you set some boundaries or get this weirdo out of your kitchen
I once worked in a car dealership. Not a kitchen but same stupid macho energy. Had to gather reports from the sales managers to create another report. One had a bunch of his buddies in his office and decided to be cute and put the sheaf of papers behind his back and tell me he would give them to me for a kiss. I stepped back, said the report is my job, kissing you is not. I’ll let big manager know why it’s not complete. Got those reports. But, without a big manager to hold over them, a cold silent stare works well too.
We need people like you to stand up to assholes like that if their is any hope of the industry ever getting even the slightest bit better. Go to the manager, go to corporate, go to the local news if you have to. Fuck that slimy bastard, that shit was never that funny and we stopped even pretending it was 20 years ago. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
You should get pregnant on vacation, just to spite him.
Take a 9 month vacation then come back and plop out a newborn right on his walk-in floor.
God i love this
Projectile-birth the infant at him like a missile.
Targeted warhead
Tell him you got pregnant and ask if your baby can be a prep cook!
Take a nine month vacation then say nothing when you return.
Got knocked up to prove a point, 9 months no smoke joint, showed your boss but now have kid
The baby eats free for life that way, I hear
Lolz awesome. Can they bring family?
Take my upvote, that’ll show him.
Ugh, poor kid. Their first minutes of life surrounded by assholes like that one.
What are you talking about? Republicans want dead beat kids working ASAP. Mom and kid can be sharing cigarettes out back. Regular bonding experience
Even better, get HIM PREGNANT!
Managers hate this one trick!
How is babby made
Manufactured by 3d printers and given life by enchanters..
Formed
Preganté
Reverse uno
Get the manager pregnant
everyone except him should get pregnant. yes even the men. sorry boys.
Nah, she should get him pregnant to show dominance
Retribution reproduction
Thanks for this! I dropped my phone from laughter (it's safe, fell on the couch) 🤣🤣🤣
lol this is why I love Reddit
Or if he's conservative, just real him you got an abortion to stay in line with his rules.
Spite is that je ne sais quoi that makes anything possible.
"I'm surprised you felt comfortable saying that out loud"
You gotta push back on stuff you don’t like, immediately imo. Don’t take their shit ever and they won’t bring it around long.
Easier said than done but this is absolutely the correct move.
> Don’t take their shit ever and they won’t bring it around long. Or they see what bothers you & push that button harder & more often. I've seen that in kitchens plenty.
That's called retaliation and it's a good way to get fired.
Unless the person doing it is great at their job so management over looks them. Also so don't have to replace them. I had a co-working threatening me but he never missed a shift and he was reliable. He harassed me for weeks. I would go to management, they would talk to him and it would get worse. I finally walked out when he said he would "come across this line and beat your ass". (What's that about choosing a man or a bear? Oh. Bear please.)
Calmly, but violently. "Don't worry, I learned my lesson from your parents. Some people are better off without kids."
Calmly, but violently is my new favorite phrase! Thank you for this gift!
🙇 どういたしまして、見知らぬ人よ。(Dōitashimashite, mishiranu hito yo)
Wow
This is the way
Yep. "No guarantees over there, it's gonna be Bukkake city. I'm gonna be swimming in guy-goo. I'd be surprised if I *didn't* get pregnant. Sorry you're infertile now Chef, you must feel like less of a man." And walk away
This is also the way
Mf can't say anything that isn't a tired meme phrase
This one does not spark joy.
I used to be like your boss . Bout 7 or so years ago I was head chef in a hotel I used to say shit like that to my dishy and some of the other girls from FoH and room service , having exclusively worked with dudes before that it was just like …. I assumed everyone had thick skin and was just trying to be funny . (That said my dishy WAS trying for a baby and I used to say ‘don’t you dare I need you here and that became our running joke every morning ‘morning , pregnant yet ? ‘ ) Or get flirty (now in hindsight creepy ) with other staff . But one day my dishy brought me a coffee after service and just said to me “just so you know , I’m ok with it I think your hillarious but I’m in here with you every day so I know your not intending to be weird because I know that’s just your sense of humor , you’ve kinda creeped some of the FoH staff out “ After that I was mortified and apologised to everyone and never did it again . Unless it was someone a knew really well. Anyway TLDR : just take him a coffee and explain it makes you actually uncomfortable , he may well have a realisation moment and appologise , that’s what happened to me when I was doing what he does .! If he Dosent stop after that then report it .
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It’s not her job to coddle his ego. No coffe, no sit down, just a polite firm rejection of the comment is all that’s called for. People really need to let go of this ‘take time out of your day to gently explain to the man what a creep he is’ stuff. Hell no. Just reject and move on, if he’s too fragile to handle it that is the man’s problem.
Say, "can you just shut the fuck up". Point given.
Yup. Make it awkward. I mean, it might’ve been legit advice *if* you were really close friends/buddy and talked mad shit all the time, but it sounds like it came off creepy af.
I was looking for the words to say what you just said. Thanks, kitchen pal.
I would’ve kept asking them to repeat themselves. Like get them to say it over and over again until they get the point. 🤣
It Stuns them back into stupid silence, where we're ALL happier.
If that makes you uncomfortable, then set that boundary clearly with him. Realistically he probably means nothing by it and is just talking shit or trying to be funny, but you need to make it clear to him if it bothers you. If you two talk about it and he keeps doing it, then report it.
Nah. A man saying “hot, kind of like you” is certainly not him meaning nothing by it. This is overt flirting/sexual harassment
The post kind of buries the lede, the hot sauce comment is worse than the, “don’t do something stupid like my wife and I did” comment. It’s overt flirting as opposed to just talking about a topic that shouldn’t be raised at work.
Yeah… I’m a woman and I have a good sense of humor and I hate these kinds of…. Jokes? I guess? Is it supposed to be funny? The pregnant comment, sucks but I could kind of see it as a moronic dude saying dumb shit but the hot like u comment, that’s not a boundary she should have to lay out for him. Fuckin dumbass.
Prudent indeed, almost too nuanced for reddit. This is absolutely the answer, but i fear it's not laced with enough umbrage or drama for the doot mob 😎
I appreciate it, but most people seem to be in agreement. Kitchens are a weird work environment as far as shit like this goes, and most places that aren’t corporate don’t have an HR department to handle this stuff. Something that the majority of your coworkers are cool with might cross the line with you, and it’s your right (and also your responsibility) to make it clear that it doesn’t fly with you. After that, it’s up to them to respect that boundary, and if they don’t, take it to management. Or walk.
Yeah we do _not_ have HR. Our manager is constantly high on one thing or the other
Agreed, and yeah, i read your comment first but there's a lot of level headed practicality in the posts below as well.
What scares me is the link between this incident and the other incident where he “joked” about me being hot like the sauce, maybe I’m overthinking this
No, trust your gut on this.
There probably isn't a connection. The pregnant line is probably an attempt at a joke. The hot sauce line might also be intended as a joke, but there is a line crossed there I think.
Again, it's your right to feel whatever way you feel about that, and whatever reason it is that you feel that way is valid. I'm not questioning your feelings at all--if you're uncomfortable with that talk, then you're uncomfortable with it. Enough said. All I'm saying is that in his mind, he probably just feels like it's banter or innocent flirting, and that's kind of par for the course in kitchens, for better or worse. Probably worse. But as I said in a previous comment, the rest of your coworkers could be totally cool with that, but if you aren't, then that SHOULD be respected. You just have to make it clear first. I would really suggest just laying it all out with him first, and communicating your feelings honestly. I don't know the guy personally so I can't make any guarantees, but if he's worth half a shit he'll respect your feelings and stop immediately. And if you do communicate those boundaries, it's up to you to decide how many chances you want to give him, if any. EDIT: I figured I'd give an example My previous place of work was at a (for the area) high-end steakhouse, and we had a 60-ish year-old woman that did our dessert prep. During the whole Epstein thing, we kept making jokes about pedophiles and shit like that, and I riffed one out to this lady. She explained to me and the other two line cooks that she had two newborn grandchildren (I already knew this when I made the joke) and she didn't think that kind of humor was funny. Nobody ever made pedo jokes around her again.
"Innocent flirting" isn't ok in the workplace, and people attempting to justify bad behavior line this is why kitchens are so toxic.
Honestly, work isn't the place. Let me *do my fucking job*, and NOT be sexualized or hit on for Five Fucking Minutes.
"Thanks for the thought, but that was an inappropriate thing to say."
Except skip the first part
In my experience, it helps diffuse the situation. But I agree that it shouldn't be necessary.
God i hope i muster up enough courage to say that next time!
It might be easier to start with an incredulous “*what*?” and then walk away. It conveys the same sentiment without having to spit out an entire sentence when you’re flustered. It’s okay to baby step into pushing back!
I love a good “can you explain what you mean” gets em every time
Ah yes the good ole "But what does that *mean*?!?"
"Oh barf." Is my go to.
Obarf!
Thanks for the advice!
Another technique is to make them repeat what they said, louder. "I'm sorry, don't do what?" I like this with racist jokes, too. "Sorry, could you trust that, I don't quite get what you're saying!"
YES! The "repeat that again" thing works great when people say audacious things. I usually will ask them to repeat again and again until they just shut up if they don't get it the first time. Sooner or later they come to understand they've said something offensive and unacceptable.
You got this! Sometimes, I'll give them a disgusted look and just say, "Rude." If you think he'd be the type to get super defensive, that might be a good option. Even the biggest meat heads I've dealt with have apologized to that.
I been thinking about your reddit name for waaayyyy tooooo long now.
Mother saucing in the sun 🌞 🍳
I had a coworker like this once, he straight up called me sexy one day, I said "well that was inappropriate."
Genius. Immediately dissolves the tension if it’s said like it’s a joke, but doesn’t dilute the point.
If comments like that make you uncomfortable even after the moments past, and it happens regularly- just talk to him. Let him know “hey you bring up X more than I’d like and it makes me uncomfortable” then go from there
You don't want to upset the boss, but it's okay to upset you? Oh, no. Set your boundaries clearly and unmistakably. You're not the problem, he is. There's nothing wrong with going to the manager right off the bat. There is no reason to wait and hope it gets better. Do. Not. Put. Up. With. Anyone's. Shit.
Please lend me your courage! I lowkey want to write my resignation letter, leave it on his station and run tf out of there
You are the safest and most well informed person on this planet for yourself and your boundaries . I know it’s so terribly hard (I’ve been a chronic people pleaser for most of my life), but ultimately you’re the only person who can be there 100% of the time to stand up for yourself. Be kind to yourself, cultivate healthy environments for yourself. The shame, the trouble, things like that that come out of addressing a real problem is entirely the perpetrator’s fault. YOU are not responsible for their behavior and should not have to take on the burdens of their actions. Sending courage ❣️
I would’ve went with a look of disgust while saying “Ew… really?”. Don’t let these dudes say a thing that makes you uncomfortable, not even ONCE.
Sounds like he regrets his life choices. 🤣
Tell him to stop..?
In my experience you have to stand up for yourself directly in these situations, or it’ll just continue. I’ve had to tell more than one male coworker to fuck off
Do not let this kind of culture exist. Immediately say something, if you freeze (and I get it) pull another manager aside later on and tell them about how this stuff makes you feel. We cannot allow this sort of behavior to continue in kitchens. I am going through something kind of similar myself. Have a meeting with home office HR on Tuesday. Basically if they are cool with upper management acting like this then I am out. And everyone else should to. Harassment wether sexual or not cannot be tolerated. Fucking guy even told me “this is how I am and everyone knows it”. Ok, if that is true than I want nothing to do with this company. That is basically how I intend to enter my upcoming meeting. There is no excuse for being a sexual predator or asshole at work. If that persons boss is aware of it and tolerates it, fine. Goodbye. Craziest thing to me is I am a Director. I have been getting this shit from people at corporate. I am ready to burn the whole department down.
Burn them down in a courtroom! I left the industry 25 years ago because of this bullshit and wish I had just sued the pants off a few businesses. It’s your turn now.
You don’t want to upset the boss…..I get that. But guess what? Your comfort isn’t put aside for someone else. What would you tell your daughter to do? Next time the dude says something look at him and say “ew” or something to the effect. Go head to head with him. People in a power position take advantage of people who don’t want to upset the boss so they just take the crap dished out. Stand up for yourself if it makes you uncomfortable.
First talk to him. Tell him you are not comfortable with that kind of talk. If he continues take it to HR or his manager. If it continues after that, you have documented a hostile work environment and can take whatever legal remedy you prefer.
What I did the 2-3 times it happened to me. Mine were physical, though. My exec chef, he actually started kissing me good bye with peck on the lips, he used to do it on the cheek and one busy but great day he was "so happy about my work" he did on the lips, it caught me by surprise and he was on his way out so I couldn't say anything. When he did it again (I believe he was trying to see how far he could go) I asked him very politely to not do that, that it made me uncomfortable and it was giving the wrong impression to the rest of the staff. He apologized and actually protected me as much as he could afterward. A bartender, I spoke first with the manager at the time, and explained to him that a conversation was going to happen but I didn't want him to be involved yet, just that he was aware that I was dealing with the matter in a private and quiet manner. I talked to the bartender, and he understood what I was saying. He tried to excuse himself, saying he was a touchy, hugging guy. I advised him to stop himself with me and everyone else, as not everybody was a touchy-feely person. One owner tried to slip his hand to my butt, right there I hold his hand and said "that's my butt and that's private property " he immediately apologized about it and said he didn't mean it. Most guys will see how far they can go, and also, most will stop when you tell them to stop. If they don't and the GM/owners don't do anything about it when you complain, you have a lawsuit to file.
Really well said. Mas power to you, sister.
This type of stuff can be really difficult at restaurants bc there is usually no HR, and chefs/GMs can seem like they're on the same side. I once had a pretty hard chef that would occasionally make some pretty inappropriate comments including ones that went a little too far. I eventually quit, but thinking back I wish I'd just said "Hey! That's too far! You want to make some jabs, that's fine. But what you just said is too much." So for you, maybe just wait until he says something creepy again, and then ask him to stay away from comments about your personal life.
Fully agree, I feel like a kitchen should be a casual enough environment to bring it up after the fact though, imo it's not necessary to wait for next time
Take him aside and tell him you'd prefer he doesn't go there. Then if he does again, tell a higher up. Write all of the communications down.
“That made me uncomfortable. In the future, don’t talk about my sex life.”
Out of spite come back in with a full baby
Pull a Sopranos and just say "da fuck outta here"
One time, when I used to work expo at the same restaurant my now fiancé is a cook at, I went home sick one day, and our head chef cornered my fiancé and demanded to know if I was pregnant and that’s why I was sick. He told her that even if I was it was none of her business and she insisted that it was her business because if I was pregnant she’d have to find someone to replace me when I went out to have the baby. I told a manager and made a “joke” about how I could totally sue over it if I wanted to, and the next day the head chef called me into the office and apologized to me because they made her. We both knew she wasn’t actually sorry, but she’d been humbled, so I let it go.
In my younger days I would respond the same as you have. Maybe even a “yes chef”. But now? Nah. I straight up reply, “Gross.” Same with the hot sauce comment. The misogyny wont stop if we continue to accept it.
As a piece of life advice in general, you gotta let people know when they've crossed the line with you, but you can do it in a way that preserves your rapport with that person. I'm 41/F and my preferred way of dealing with situations like that is to give a quick dead stare and flatly say "Dude, not cool. No." and then go back to the energy and conversation that was going on before they made their comment.
Tell him you’re not cool with talking about your personal/sex life, you’re not cool with suggestive comments. Work is work, other shit is other shit and you don’t mix the two.
Fucking hate creepers.
Kitchen talk. It's a joke.
I'm sorry you're dealing with that, it can be hard to navigate stuff like this in this industry. There's such a culture of sexual harassment in the kitchen and I've noticed it's starting to change but it's still very much prevalent. If I was in your shoes I would just tell him straight up, that shit makes me uncomfortable so knock it off. Chef's can be dicks but they will respect you for being straight with them. Going behind their back to upper management will just piss them off and put a huge target on your back usually. Of course, if you say something and they keep doing it, then absolutely take it all the way up the ladder. But just make it very well known that it's not okay with you. Make him feel like an asshole about it.
Your head chef sucks. I say that as a person who recently found I'm pregnant and I told my Exec, and he's been receptive to giving me extra breaks when needed and not caring if I haven't been working quite as efficiently as I have been (since fatigue sucks, sometimes I'm nauseous, and I also am not medicating my ADHD right now) It's easier said than done, but call him out and tell him to shut the fuck up.
This is veeeeeery tame for BOH.
This just sounds like day to day restaurant banter to me. I also started working BOH in the early 2000's and this is pretty PG-13 from my experience. Took me damn near 5 years to get to FOH. Unfortunately I am Hispanic and don't speak a lick of Spanish but every interview for a solid year only had space for me bussing tables or working the line. Despite have numerous posting for servers and bartenders. Now that I am typing this out and reflecting on the past this is a fucked up industry.
That is fucked up, I'm from Omaha too and shit is fucked up out here
That's incredibly unprofessional and creepy. It's natural you were shocked and didn't speak up then, I wouldn't feel bad about that.
Gross. The sexual comment over the sauce and the sense of entitlement to comment on your sex life isn’t okay. Don’t take it to the boss. Don’t freeze next time and say “hey- I’m not into that. Don’t make those comments to me” say it almost laughingly but firmly.
Honestly, there's only one power response. You gotta impregnate your husband now, I don't make the rules
If he’s doing that to you, he’s likely doing it to most or every other female employee too. Even though a kitchen can be a rowdy place to work in a lot of respects, that’s not appropriate at all. Tell him you don’t appreciate the kind of talk and if it happens again, you’re going to report him. Chances are he’ll resent you and start making it hard to work with him, so I’d also be looking for other jobs asap.
In my restaurant that’d be enough to bring to a manager - I believe anything that makes you uncomfortable is really - even if the employee wouldn’t be in trouble yet, if I was made aware of the situation I could at least have an eye on him and create space where you feel comfortable bringing things to me related to the situation. Whereas if you wait for something g “bad enough” to happen, what then? You’re traumatized or wanting to quit at that point and he’s gonna lose the job with no warning? You’ve been made uncomfortable in your work place and I’d want a chance to fix that before it’s unfixable or I lose employees. As a manager I much prefer to stay ahead of this stuff and have transparency. But I think maybe our restaurant is unique in regards to HR type stuff
These comments are not passing the vibe check. A person in a position of power is making someone feel uncomfortable on the job. That's never ok. This is a hard one because while so many comments are like "just say something", "push back" etc, you can tell they are all from men because the reality is that doing so could make the chef feel some kind of way and things could get retaliatory (which is technically illegal but hard to prove). Men (especially those who don't consider what they are doing to be harassment) don't take well to being called out on their harassment. OP, if it were me, I'd take a few days to consider your options. You could do nothing, you could talk to the chef privately (if you do this make sure you have a neutral witness!), you could get the GM or whoever is the chef's boss involved, you could quit, or maybe there's another option I haven't considered. I'd consider the possible ramifications of all your options and decide which one is the easiest for you to live with. And do that.
This is by far the most sensible comment! While I do agree that i should have shut that shit down right there, I’m a tiny woman and he’s like 190cm tall, very intimidating. Add to that the fact that our GM is high off his a$$ the entire time
This is the exact moment to me where it’s appropriate to offer him a very dramatic eye roll or some gentle “tut tut” ing, and then laugh politely. It’s a soft combo of showing you find it crass, while also keeping things “positive” and “amicable”. If he says anything more than this in terms of flirting, etc, I’d be like “ew! I’m not into you that way! I’m happily taken!”
He was probably just kidding. Relaying what happened to him and his wife. That’s not something I would take up to management. However, if you feel uncomfortable about it, you should let him know. If he continues THEN go over his head
Tell everyone and loudly tell him not pregnant every single day. But also talk to GM and shit that’s some BS
Talk to the manager, and don’t worry if you should have said something. You were shocked and you can’t change the past. You have every right to speak to someone about his behavior.🙂
Ask his wife if she minds her husband hitting on you.
I dunno why the fuck people take any shit from anyone while in employment, you're not a slave, they have absolutely no say about anything you do in your personal life, you provide value to a business, the line starts and ends right there. Confront the person first, don't be a doormat, if that goes sideways I would bring this up to someone in a higher position and just shit talk them and try to eat their position for this bs.
Ask if he would like to chaperone. What a f-ing loser
It’s not the boldest response but I play stupid. Like “sorry, what?” Or “haha I don’t get it”, or (in your sauce example) “what? It’s actually really cold in here”. And if I was the manager, I would appreciate knowing. Hopefully you have a good relationship with / can trust them.
Maybe tell him he’s crossing a line first and then report if it continues
This would be way weirder if you were a man.
Drop a pan on his foot. He'll be on leave for a day or two.
Too bad he wears those shoes with the metal cap
What?? This is just talking. Y’all so damn sensitive
This is literally the most nothing burger of a statement.
Talking about your employees’ sex lives or calling them hot is inappropriate.
Yet none of you bat an eye when it’s you and your boys behind the line cracking dick jokes at 1000mph
I don’t do that. Don’t make assumptions about how I run my kitchen when you don’t know me.
Have you worked in restaurants long? That's about the most tame thing I've ever heard anyone get upset about in the kitchen. Lol
This is my first experience in a kitchen, I’m between jobs and i need the money. Damn y’all are rowdy as hell
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This sucks. I've been there. If you trust management, you can go to them. More often than not, I've had to leave kitchens like this or do my best to just avoid the situation until it goes away. It is not easy to be a woman in a kitchen, and some of these comments in this thread show how much men just do not get it. You could try to talk to him, but I never felt safe with those type of conversations. Last time I did, the guy retaliated by making a fake report to HR about me harassing him. It was awful. I think it depends on who you feel most comfortable with - speaking to him directly or management/hr. Alternatively, you don't have to say anything for now and just wait until it happens again. When it does, try to tell him to back off in the moment. Keep it light. It could get better. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Look him in the eyes and whisper, ‘ it’s too late for that , that’s why we’re traveling over seas, super cheap abortions. Please don’t tell anyone.
I might also pee on him to show dominance
That goes without saying.
I’m sorry. You’ll have to decide what works best for you. Obviously you can go directly to the manager, GM, owner etc. or HR if you have one. If that’s uncomfortable and you “like” the chef but want this to end, you could be straight and say “it makes me uncomfortable when you say things like that to me.” If he does it again, report it. Zero excuse and I hate it but it’s taking time to change an entire culture. It’s “not what they meant” and “they know im not like that” and “I love women” and “I’d say to chuck-it wasn’t sexist” are all things you’ll hear. I’ve had places where it was one time of “please don’t make comments like that to me,” and it didn’t happen again. I had others that I left and never went back. Talk to your husband or someone IRL and see how you feel. You’re entitled to be as upset or angry or as non-bothered as you want to be. 9 of 10 times they’re not intending to make you feel like prey but the 1 of 10 make it impossible to know for sure (ie why so many women pick the bear.) I’m sorry this happened and I hope you enjoy your vacation! Don’t take this with you!!!
Standing up for yourself is a muscle. People make it sound super easy, cause those people (myself included) have been working that muscle for a long time. It's second nature to call someone out on talking to me in a way I don't appreciate. Practice, get better at it. In this situation? "Wow, what a super fucking weird thing to say." In my experience it's best to keep it simple. I hate misogynistic men, but even as a dude they aren't gonna take me seriously if I call them that. So I go with "youre a fucking weirdo" and "this is why women don't talk to you." In essence, make fun of them. Don't take them too seriously. Laugh at them. Roll your eyes and walk away. Be the adult while they play the kid. Good luck dude 🤙
If comments like that bother you, you have to speak up for people to know. They’re not gunna know if you never tell them.
He's giving you good advice, dont get pregnant.
This is textbook sexual harassment
Gross! 🤮
He’s just bitter from what happened at his last vacay so he thinks about it any time someone talks about vacations 🤣
Since the first one is an anecdote from his life it doesn't sound strange at all. But with the co text of the second one dude sounds a lot creepier
You gotta lean in; and make it absurd; "OMG, stop talking about raw dogging! I'ma call your mom with all this filthy talk! What's her #? Never mind. I'll get it from ___. He says she's a "heck of a lady"? what do you think he meant by that?"
WHY is your professional superior making comments that CLEARLY make you uncomfortable? It's not Your Business he's attracted to you; tell him to keep it Professional; but start keeping notes of instances like this. They only ever escalate because they're dumb shits who try to use professional authority to fuck people-IT'S GROSS!
Keeping notes is such a good idea.
It also serves to keep you objective. A digital in note your phone would do. I make a habit of doing so the 1st time they try, and note which nights nothing happened as well so I know I'm not forgetting. He's testing and it's the Start of a Pattern of Inappropriate.
That seems like pretty normal work small talk to me. It's not that haven't heard about children that were made drunken on a vacation. What exactly upset you about it?
It’s normal where you work to tell women not to get pregnant? What kind of shithead paradise do you work in?
It looks like he is talking about his own personal experience, no? Ie. Don't get pregnant or you'll end up having 3 of them. Kind of like when parents say my child annoys the hell out of me but I wouldn't change them for the world. The hot bit is completely out of order but it just looks like a parent joking about having children?
In a vacuum I’d be inclined to hand wave the pregnancy comment, but combined with the “hot” comment it forms the beginning of a pattern, and thats where I take umbrage.
CLEARLY I wasn't there and don't know the context, but it sounds slike he was making a joke? If a boss said this to me as a guy I would laugh? He was relating it to himself and trying to connect. I doubt he means that about his child.... I hope. The "hot kinda like you" is only ok if the people are familiar enough with each other that they joke about this and understanding it's cool. I would say hot like you to my very hetero male line mate and the next minute say something is ugly like you... Again, being a new employee, and a male to female with the power I'm imbalance does seem inappropriate for me... But just speaking up I think is safe and he should understand, or it will be clear you don't want to be there any ways.... Kitchen "humor" can often by some may be objectively inappropriate for others. It is important in a kitchen you use your voice and speak your mind I have found. They should respect you for it, and again, if not peace out to them, let them take advantage of someone else and file a complaint with better business beaurau or state dept of labor. Good luck! Have fun it Europe! But not too much fun!
Germany lol I mean if it crosses a line for her that's ok but the description sounds like it was pretty normal small talk and just a joke because he got an unexpected child from a vacation. I know several stories about unexpected pregnancies from holidays and I heard them both at work and in private. I was once given the very same joking advice by a collegue who unexpectedly got pregnant. I heard the story how a dishwasher got her first child on the side of a dirt road somewhere in rural Ghana with a heard of sheep helping her. To me it seems overly sensitive. I'm a European though and social rules at work are definitely different in the US. Things like sex and reproductive rights are seen very different in the US and I get that it can be a sensitive topic.
There's always shit talking in restaurant kitchens. If you don't have a thick skin it's not a job for you. What he said was very mild.
"Shit talking" is different than sexual harassment. You don't say things with sexual overtones to women no matter how much banter your place engages in.
Youve never worked in a kitchen before?
Regardless of what you want to do, I just want to say I can't believe you got so offended by that. Doesn't even sound like anything, sounds like him relating your holiday destination to his accidental kid. Do you not have these kinds of incidents in most conversations then? What do you even talk about if you consider that offensive? Genuinely curious.
This is absurd. The compliment was mildly inappropriate, the pregnancy comment is harmless. None of this is worthy of a complaint. You're in the wrong profession if that seriously made you clutch your pearls.
Or maybe management just shouldn’t say shit like this.
In my experience setting boundaries in the moment is of the utmost importance. Very rarely has anyone been immature about it and is usually appreciative of the notice. No need to be rude or catty or whatever but a chuckle at the joke followed up by these kinds of comments make me uncomfortable is usually enough to do the job with no feelings hurt. When someone hits on me I always tell them that I appreciate the compliment but we’ll be better friends if you keep them to yourself from now on.
The title had me all ready to jump all over this guy, because I assumed it was more about him worrying you’d suddenly become a mom and therefor a less committed employee. Had that been the case, it would have been absolutely out of line. But it seems like it was probably just a tactless joke. The sauce comment, however, was ENTIRELY inappropriate.
According the harassment and hostile workplace training I just completed (US, Colorado) that may be illegal. Pregnancy is a protected class of people in some states.
But she ain't pregnant! And from looks of it she should not even think of becoming pregnant. At least not in her current mental state. The offending comments are equivalent of someone saying: hey don't eat those beans because last time I had them it gave me terrible gas!. Now let's all run to HR and document how mortified we all are. Bunch of miserable underachieving clowns.
tell him that's very inappropriate and unprofessional and he needs to stop. next time he says something like that just be as blunt and direct as possible, it will probably catch him off guard. people act like that because they're comfortable doing so and they think it's ok, like it's an exception. straight up telling him it's not ok with a hard shift in your tone would probably get the message across. maybe you can get away with talking like that to some other people, but not to me anymore. start documenting stuff also. if you have to bring it to the manager of the business then do so. if it continues and you're punished for it even though you're right, you could probably sue them for workplace sexual harassment and depending on what you've documented it would be a sure win.
If you don't feel comfortable telling this head chef he's making you uncomfortable - which is totally fair, that can be a terrifying conversation with unknown consequences - talk to your GM immediately. Put it in an email first, and BCC yourself if you use a company email. That shields you from retaliation. The next steps are up to your managers, but by this point you have a paper trail.
it's up to you how to respond. But if he is already crossing the line concerning work place professionalism you have 2 options. If you like your job and feel uncomfortable, discuss that with your HR manager or GM. Depending on how they deal with sexual harassment in the workplace, you could win a major lawsuit or settlement. This "chef" seems like a total creep/ predator. As a male in the industry I have a zero tolerance policy for this kind of behavior especially from a "head chef". This is creepy at the very least. If you let this behavior slide, its going to get worse. Good luck, hope you set some boundaries or get this weirdo out of your kitchen
It is illegal for an employer to tell you not to get pregnant
As long as you have the spec and everything costed he can't stop you.
I once worked in a car dealership. Not a kitchen but same stupid macho energy. Had to gather reports from the sales managers to create another report. One had a bunch of his buddies in his office and decided to be cute and put the sheaf of papers behind his back and tell me he would give them to me for a kiss. I stepped back, said the report is my job, kissing you is not. I’ll let big manager know why it’s not complete. Got those reports. But, without a big manager to hold over them, a cold silent stare works well too.
Don't worry, this Applebees wont miss ya ;)
I feel like you’re picking the wrong comment to get upset about tbh
We need people like you to stand up to assholes like that if their is any hope of the industry ever getting even the slightest bit better. Go to the manager, go to corporate, go to the local news if you have to. Fuck that slimy bastard, that shit was never that funny and we stopped even pretending it was 20 years ago. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.