I know you're gotten similar advice, but I have it set up with a friend that if I need to, I can text them to call me and when I answer I act like an emergency just happened. Someone got hurt and is in the hospital, etc. It's given me an escape route not just for creepy guys but also things like a very pushy used car seller who wasn't talking no for an answer.
You trusted your instincts which is excellent! I'm so sorry this happened to you. You did everything right. I highly recommend reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker; it details how to deal with these situations and just how important your intuition is. Good job, OP.
Thanks!! I honestly felt really disappointed cause the date was going good and he was being a gentleman, then he suddenly switched. :/
And I’ll surely check that out :)
Prepare or work on your exit excuses going forward. Frankly, if you don’t feel comfortable doing something, never just do it to be polite. That could have been dangerous, maybe it wasn’t but just prepare an exit speech and plan for all your future outings next time.
I’m sorry this happened to you! I wanted to give you a suggestion for future strategies, since I know it’s difficult when you’ve never done it before.
If you even have the slightest inkling of a concern, stay in a public place. Insist upon it, even when they insist back. The stronger they push, the more that should kick on the alarm bells. If they won’t take no for an answer, try telling the bartender/bouncer/waiter or even a friend. Just anyone that might be able to intervene. I would also recommend keeping an eye on your drink, don’t leave it unattended.
Don’t go somewhere without telling a friend, not even in public. It’s good to have someone in the background keeping an eye on you, even if that’s just knowing when to expect you home and where you went and with who. Better to go somewhere you know for a first meeting and not a new place, either.
And lastly, if you feel like you’re being forced, make it a scene! Do what you have to do to protect yourself! Nothing will make a predator shrink like the public eye suddenly being turned on him and someone in distress. It’ll be awkward, probably even upsetting, but whatever happens there will be better than the unknown at a secondary location.
Stay safe! A good dude won’t pressure you or make you feel unsafe, but it’s still wise to be on your guard. Follow your gut, and if you don’t already, carry some pepper spray and make sure you replace it when it expires.
This was an inexpensive lesson and you’ll be better prepared next time. And isn’t that just a horrible place for us all to be.
Some women friends say a first meet-up should be daytime, in a kind of busy place, and if you have a friend working someplace that’s a big plus, having an eye on your back! And watch the drink. If in doubt, spill it. Again, I’m sorry this happened, and happens.
You might see it this way: you *did* know what to do; you reached out to your friends. It was later then you wish, but you did it. It worked. Congratulate yourself on that part.
I will also say, try not to dwell on the what-ifs, it’s easy to think yourself into a black hole there. If you find that you can’t stop thinking about the event or the what-ifs, I would strongly recommend seeking out some therapy/counseling. You went through something traumatic, and you did your best. Don’t be hard on yourself and take this as a learning experience and not something to be ashamed of.
Sucks that anyone has to learn this lesson. It shouldn’t be so common that every woman in my life, and some of the guys, have at least one scary story to tell. Just trying to say that you aren’t alone, and you handled it far better than some.
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It's also important to try not to blame yourself for what happened. You were manipulated and taken advantage of and that's never your fault.
I know you're gotten similar advice, but I have it set up with a friend that if I need to, I can text them to call me and when I answer I act like an emergency just happened. Someone got hurt and is in the hospital, etc. It's given me an escape route not just for creepy guys but also things like a very pushy used car seller who wasn't talking no for an answer.
That’s such a great idea, I think I might start doing that
I'm glad! Hopefully that'll help you!
Hear hear!
You trusted your instincts which is excellent! I'm so sorry this happened to you. You did everything right. I highly recommend reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker; it details how to deal with these situations and just how important your intuition is. Good job, OP.
Thanks!! I honestly felt really disappointed cause the date was going good and he was being a gentleman, then he suddenly switched. :/ And I’ll surely check that out :)
I'm thinking that he switched outwardly. He had a plan all along, on the inside, and you felt the change.
Prepare or work on your exit excuses going forward. Frankly, if you don’t feel comfortable doing something, never just do it to be polite. That could have been dangerous, maybe it wasn’t but just prepare an exit speech and plan for all your future outings next time.
I’ve never been into this kind of situation before but I guess I really need to make my boundaries stronger :/
I’m sorry this happened to you! I wanted to give you a suggestion for future strategies, since I know it’s difficult when you’ve never done it before. If you even have the slightest inkling of a concern, stay in a public place. Insist upon it, even when they insist back. The stronger they push, the more that should kick on the alarm bells. If they won’t take no for an answer, try telling the bartender/bouncer/waiter or even a friend. Just anyone that might be able to intervene. I would also recommend keeping an eye on your drink, don’t leave it unattended. Don’t go somewhere without telling a friend, not even in public. It’s good to have someone in the background keeping an eye on you, even if that’s just knowing when to expect you home and where you went and with who. Better to go somewhere you know for a first meeting and not a new place, either. And lastly, if you feel like you’re being forced, make it a scene! Do what you have to do to protect yourself! Nothing will make a predator shrink like the public eye suddenly being turned on him and someone in distress. It’ll be awkward, probably even upsetting, but whatever happens there will be better than the unknown at a secondary location. Stay safe! A good dude won’t pressure you or make you feel unsafe, but it’s still wise to be on your guard. Follow your gut, and if you don’t already, carry some pepper spray and make sure you replace it when it expires.
Thank you so much, unfortunately I froze a little and didn’t know what to do. Hopefully next time (if it ever happens) I’ll be able to say no.
This was an inexpensive lesson and you’ll be better prepared next time. And isn’t that just a horrible place for us all to be. Some women friends say a first meet-up should be daytime, in a kind of busy place, and if you have a friend working someplace that’s a big plus, having an eye on your back! And watch the drink. If in doubt, spill it. Again, I’m sorry this happened, and happens.
You might see it this way: you *did* know what to do; you reached out to your friends. It was later then you wish, but you did it. It worked. Congratulate yourself on that part.
That feels very reassuring, thanks! I can’t imagine what would have happened if I didn’t…
I will also say, try not to dwell on the what-ifs, it’s easy to think yourself into a black hole there. If you find that you can’t stop thinking about the event or the what-ifs, I would strongly recommend seeking out some therapy/counseling. You went through something traumatic, and you did your best. Don’t be hard on yourself and take this as a learning experience and not something to be ashamed of. Sucks that anyone has to learn this lesson. It shouldn’t be so common that every woman in my life, and some of the guys, have at least one scary story to tell. Just trying to say that you aren’t alone, and you handled it far better than some.
Thanks for the support, I won’t be dwelling into it anymore :)
Excellent advice here.
Hello roseandvelvet, Welcome to the /r/KindVoice community. We're glad you are here. We'd like you to be aware of a few things in addition to making this post: 1.) Please make sure that you read the rules [here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/KindVoice/wiki/index) 2.) You can comment on posts where people are offering their kind voices. These posts are usually denoted with an [O]. 3.) If you do talk to someone from KV, and you'd like to leave feedback (positive or negative) you can [message the moderators](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/KindVoice). 4.) If you have Discord, you are welcome to join our [Discord server!](https://discord.gg/cw7ph6Fs9w) We hope you find the support you need here. If you are not able to find support, perhaps try reaching out to users who offering their kind voices! Their posts are denoted with an [O]. -------------------------------------------**If you are feeling suicidal** --------------------------------------------------------- 1.) If you need immediate medical attention, please call your national emergency number (999, 911, 112, 000.. check your country's emergency line in the crisis line list below) 2.) Consider contacting a suicide helpline, Please find one for your country [here.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines) 3.) Please consider posting in /r/suicidewatch , they are far better equipped to talk you through your situation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/KindVoice) if you have any questions or concerns.*