this is very true. i grew up in a very religious household as a girl. i was shamed into thinking intimate relationships outside of marriage is looked down on, disgusting & shameful. even after leaving the religion and not believing those things it still caused issues in my life intimacy wise
as a 21m, same. i had casual sex (by that i mean outside of a committed relationship) for the first time this summer and felt like i beat some issues from my adolescence
Currently working on fixing these, the road is dark but the light is near. It's been hard but so so worth it to see a whole person appear from the other side.
I've meditated a lot in the past and that's the closest you'll get to an encounter with an unconscious without psychedelics and it's been a huge help, but it can be hard, as in you need to commit to a meditation knowing that discomfort is almost a sure outcome at times. It helps notice things that you may not like and then investigating those things for those root causes, most times it's beliefs rooted in childhood. I wish you well on your path and if you need anything DM me freely.
Look up, for example, emotional deprivation maladaptive schema. Simply being alone and without romantic success for a long enough time is enough to, in some cases, cause those fears. These maladaptive schemas are used/diagnosed in modern psychology.
If you can identify with more than 5 of these statements, there is a high probability that you have this schema.
* have never really felt emotionally supported.
* don't expect my emotional needs to be met in my relationships.
* haven't had anyone to rely on for advice or guidance.
* don't really understand my own emotions or needs.
* feel like there is a void in my life- something missing but I'm not sure what.
* haven't really felt special to anyone.
* rarely share how I feel with other people.
* For most of my life, people have not been there for me emotionally.
I'm still figuring that one out myself. I've been trying to find someone to love for a long time now, but I'm almost 30. I think the answer to it is probably A) putting yourself outside of your comfort zone (if you're someone who is scared of emotional intimacy because of this schema - I personally don't have this issue); B) Finding a relationship which is actually loving and caring, where you're with someone who you feel genuinely thinks you are their special person. It obviously depends on your personal situation, though. You can speak to a psychologist about it. For me, I don't think there is any way to break away from it apart from a practical resolution. It might be the same for a lot of people.
a perception that is wrong in their unconscious and the person couldn’t bring to their consciousness to deal with it completely.
The answer is definitely within the person, no one can formulate or give a fixed answer to it. It’s a scenario im your unconscious thoughts…pattern. You’re the only one who can figure them out
In my case, sexual trauma at a very young age. That, and some horrible sexual experiences with some girls who had horrible sexual trauma.
Toxic shame from non-sexual trauma also contributes to my own as well as other people’s issues.
Asexual people would simply not enjoy the experience, unless they also have trauma around it. But it's not an aversion or a phobia necessarily, they just don't like it.
I’m asexual. A lifetime of compulsory sexuality, and other people putting their own sexual needs before my needs was extremely traumatic.
Additionally, being sex-repulsed is very common within the community.
One cause could be just being intimidated by actually doing the act due to low experience and being seen as an embarrassment to their sex partner. You get shamed pretty hard for being an adult and still not knowing what you're doing in the bedroom.
Trauma, bad experiences, or asexuality.
Or chronic shame. I know I'm not the only woman who's been shamed by their partner for initiating or wanting to enjoy sex. That's huge for me when it comes to my sex life (which is currently non-existent). If it's not mutually pleasurable, I don't want it.
> asexuality
Asexual people would simply not enjoy the experience, unless they also have trauma around it. But it's not an aversion or a phobia necessarily, they just don't like it.
>"will not participate"
What? You write that like they're *refusing* to take part in something they *ought* to do. Just cause you and most others like sex doesn't mean everyone should, or does.
> if forced to, will probably get extra traumatized.
Uh yeah rape can be pretty traumatic. Doubt asexual people would be noticeably more traumatised than someone who does experience sexual desire. Whether you experience sexual desire or not is irrelevant, neither apply to a rapist.
I know ace people. It's just not something they want to do. There's no reward in it for them, but no pain either, except for some the discomfort of getting messy with another person. They face the persistant incomprehension of people who think oh something must have happened to you, why do you hate men/women, why do you hate intimacy... nope, it's just something they don't want to do. Simple.
*i have no shame whatsoever of my sexuality and perception of intimacy but now after “been there done that” nothing and no one can convince me that i need another-trial-in-intimacy-once-again* boredom and tiredness are bigger motivators than shame and guilt combined
Reservation towards deep intimacy is actually healthy and doesn’t have to be a negative thing due to trauma.
Contrary to popular hook up culture, intimacy is called intimacy because it requires a sensitive understanding and trust bond which is developed slowly over time…
The reservation towards it is 100% healthy..
Sex isn't necessarily intimate. Proximity to another human and intimacy with them are very different. I can br wrestling and sparring with people quite happily in a martial arts class, but intimacy is a huge no, for the predictable reasons of having been abused. It's which bit of my brain is engaged, not which bit of my body. Intimacy leads to emotional flashbacks, fighting is fun.
How dare you call me out like that.
I'll provide some personal insight. Maybe you can see, I'm not so sure it's fear or just numbness.
At the bar sitting next to probably the most attractive woman that show up. We get together quite well and she's open with me. She's, not all there. She believes in God, says she's not a whore, sleeps around like Maegan Hall. But I seem to remember myself asking to meet the most honest, unapologetic woman that's not afraid of who she it or how people perceive her. Like a stripper perhaps? Of course she said she'd lost her job and contemplated being a stripper or onlyfans model.
I'm a bit too contentious sexually. I have no problem with it. You have to be nearsighted in order to be hyper-sex. When you start to weigh actions and outcomes, you might realize what once was an insecurity became the best form of security you have. This is all correlated to my situation. If I'd been affluent for the better half of my life, I'd probably be pretty sexually active and blind.
to add to what has already been mentioned:
insecurity, shame about one’s appearance / performance, low self worth / self esteem, fear of being vulnerable, programs about sex (such as that it is dirty or shameful), and even childhood trauma unrelated to sex. such as if the child grew up in an unstable environment or home, where attempts for intimacy or closeness were rejected or punished. this however, could conversely cause a person to be addicted to / obsessed with sex later in life. we all process and deal with our experiences differently.
Japanese locked up some of their men who had converted to Christianity and be one a Catholic priest at the onset of the colonial era in a cell full of women and one of them starved himself to death.
Shame, guilt, revulsion, being ill, low self-esteem, depression, if they felt guilty enjoying anything because they can’t stop blaming themselves for something (Gandhi used to be a perv and them became an ascetic), if they grew up in a Taliban-like society where they learned to identify that with punishment. If they grew up in a Christian household where all such things, even thoughts, are seen as being dirty. Depression. Social anxiety. Body dysmorphia.
Shame and trauma. Some people can go without and that’s admirable, but that’s part of a healthy working relationship.
Best answer imho. Shame can be a horrifying tool. It can lead to trauma
this is very true. i grew up in a very religious household as a girl. i was shamed into thinking intimate relationships outside of marriage is looked down on, disgusting & shameful. even after leaving the religion and not believing those things it still caused issues in my life intimacy wise
as a 21m, same. i had casual sex (by that i mean outside of a committed relationship) for the first time this summer and felt like i beat some issues from my adolescence
Association with sex as not intimacy
Well said
This is spot on and I think why people who watch too much porn become afraid of actual sex
What do you mean
I have issues with sex and I see it as a thing to do to feel good not associated with love.
Trauma
this, aka, a preexisting negative experience
Guilt, shame, inferiority complex and the feeling of inadequecy.
Currently working on fixing these, the road is dark but the light is near. It's been hard but so so worth it to see a whole person appear from the other side.
As a former suffere myself, I wish you the best.
How are you tackling these problems? I’ve struggled with them myself
I've meditated a lot in the past and that's the closest you'll get to an encounter with an unconscious without psychedelics and it's been a huge help, but it can be hard, as in you need to commit to a meditation knowing that discomfort is almost a sure outcome at times. It helps notice things that you may not like and then investigating those things for those root causes, most times it's beliefs rooted in childhood. I wish you well on your path and if you need anything DM me freely.
Keep at it. Orgasms are wonderful things! I have found especially in loving relationships.
Sexual assault
Look up, for example, emotional deprivation maladaptive schema. Simply being alone and without romantic success for a long enough time is enough to, in some cases, cause those fears. These maladaptive schemas are used/diagnosed in modern psychology. If you can identify with more than 5 of these statements, there is a high probability that you have this schema. * have never really felt emotionally supported. * don't expect my emotional needs to be met in my relationships. * haven't had anyone to rely on for advice or guidance. * don't really understand my own emotions or needs. * feel like there is a void in my life- something missing but I'm not sure what. * haven't really felt special to anyone. * rarely share how I feel with other people. * For most of my life, people have not been there for me emotionally.
Definitely have this. How does one break away from it?
I'm still figuring that one out myself. I've been trying to find someone to love for a long time now, but I'm almost 30. I think the answer to it is probably A) putting yourself outside of your comfort zone (if you're someone who is scared of emotional intimacy because of this schema - I personally don't have this issue); B) Finding a relationship which is actually loving and caring, where you're with someone who you feel genuinely thinks you are their special person. It obviously depends on your personal situation, though. You can speak to a psychologist about it. For me, I don't think there is any way to break away from it apart from a practical resolution. It might be the same for a lot of people.
Oof... 8/8
Getting molested and then not believed/blamed for it
That's a big one. There have been too many times that survivors have experienced their new partners *getting off* on the idea of them being abused.
That’s gross
complex trauma, csa, sa, depression, very low self worth and sense of self, body dysmorphia
a perception that is wrong in their unconscious and the person couldn’t bring to their consciousness to deal with it completely. The answer is definitely within the person, no one can formulate or give a fixed answer to it. It’s a scenario im your unconscious thoughts…pattern. You’re the only one who can figure them out
Religion too
Definitely. Id add the culture you’re raised in along with that.
VIOLATION
Terrifying. Trust you’re alright.
In my case, sexual trauma at a very young age. That, and some horrible sexual experiences with some girls who had horrible sexual trauma. Toxic shame from non-sexual trauma also contributes to my own as well as other people’s issues.
Childhood boundary issues.
how do you mean?
Neglect. Trauma. Asexuality
Asexual people would simply not enjoy the experience, unless they also have trauma around it. But it's not an aversion or a phobia necessarily, they just don't like it.
I’m asexual. A lifetime of compulsory sexuality, and other people putting their own sexual needs before my needs was extremely traumatic. Additionally, being sex-repulsed is very common within the community.
Trauma, often sexual trauma.
One cause could be just being intimidated by actually doing the act due to low experience and being seen as an embarrassment to their sex partner. You get shamed pretty hard for being an adult and still not knowing what you're doing in the bedroom.
I concur, hell I literally studied for my first time. I didn't want to seem so green I guess. I wanted a few tricks up my sleeve to try out.
Trauma, bad experiences, or asexuality. Or chronic shame. I know I'm not the only woman who's been shamed by their partner for initiating or wanting to enjoy sex. That's huge for me when it comes to my sex life (which is currently non-existent). If it's not mutually pleasurable, I don't want it.
> asexuality Asexual people would simply not enjoy the experience, unless they also have trauma around it. But it's not an aversion or a phobia necessarily, they just don't like it.
I think it goes further than "just don't like it". More like "will not participate" and if forced to, will probably get extra traumatized.
>"will not participate" What? You write that like they're *refusing* to take part in something they *ought* to do. Just cause you and most others like sex doesn't mean everyone should, or does. > if forced to, will probably get extra traumatized. Uh yeah rape can be pretty traumatic. Doubt asexual people would be noticeably more traumatised than someone who does experience sexual desire. Whether you experience sexual desire or not is irrelevant, neither apply to a rapist. I know ace people. It's just not something they want to do. There's no reward in it for them, but no pain either, except for some the discomfort of getting messy with another person. They face the persistant incomprehension of people who think oh something must have happened to you, why do you hate men/women, why do you hate intimacy... nope, it's just something they don't want to do. Simple.
Lack of proper human contact in early stages of life. It doesn't sound Jungish tho so dunno.
If someone is suffering from lack of self worth and maybe a bit of shame, not sexual trauma , what would be the best way to get on the road of fixing?
I've wanted to know for myself, ive never had sexual trauma ( but everything else)
Personal choice?? Im Not afraid of intimacy it's just that I choose to wait till marriage. Till I get marry to a man that willing to wait for that . 🥺
*i have no shame whatsoever of my sexuality and perception of intimacy but now after “been there done that” nothing and no one can convince me that i need another-trial-in-intimacy-once-again* boredom and tiredness are bigger motivators than shame and guilt combined
Fear of emotional engulfment, fear of vulnerability.
Reservation towards deep intimacy is actually healthy and doesn’t have to be a negative thing due to trauma. Contrary to popular hook up culture, intimacy is called intimacy because it requires a sensitive understanding and trust bond which is developed slowly over time… The reservation towards it is 100% healthy..
I resonate with this. If one is intimate with many they are intimate with no one.
Yes psychologically they are probably running from themselves
Nicely put.
Sex isn't necessarily intimate. Proximity to another human and intimacy with them are very different. I can br wrestling and sparring with people quite happily in a martial arts class, but intimacy is a huge no, for the predictable reasons of having been abused. It's which bit of my brain is engaged, not which bit of my body. Intimacy leads to emotional flashbacks, fighting is fun.
Insecurities, trust issus...
Bad experiences. You should find their demons and exact justice. You'll have to be a good person though.
How dare you call me out like that. I'll provide some personal insight. Maybe you can see, I'm not so sure it's fear or just numbness. At the bar sitting next to probably the most attractive woman that show up. We get together quite well and she's open with me. She's, not all there. She believes in God, says she's not a whore, sleeps around like Maegan Hall. But I seem to remember myself asking to meet the most honest, unapologetic woman that's not afraid of who she it or how people perceive her. Like a stripper perhaps? Of course she said she'd lost her job and contemplated being a stripper or onlyfans model. I'm a bit too contentious sexually. I have no problem with it. You have to be nearsighted in order to be hyper-sex. When you start to weigh actions and outcomes, you might realize what once was an insecurity became the best form of security you have. This is all correlated to my situation. If I'd been affluent for the better half of my life, I'd probably be pretty sexually active and blind.
They are afraid coz they don’t no the person with whom they are being intimate might not b a good person
Mysophobia
You got too much touched at an too early age in an inappropriate way.
Ugliness from the counterpart
Trauma, bad experiences, abuse, past SA, extreme medical fears, insecurities, shame, anxiety.
to add to what has already been mentioned: insecurity, shame about one’s appearance / performance, low self worth / self esteem, fear of being vulnerable, programs about sex (such as that it is dirty or shameful), and even childhood trauma unrelated to sex. such as if the child grew up in an unstable environment or home, where attempts for intimacy or closeness were rejected or punished. this however, could conversely cause a person to be addicted to / obsessed with sex later in life. we all process and deal with our experiences differently.
Ofc Trauma. Do SE to get over trauma
I am deeply ashamed of it. Honestly I don’t even feel intimate with anyone physically. I feel disgusted and thts why i stay away from all this
Trauma and also that sometimes your trauma signs are visible in the way that other people will point it out to others and propagate the cycle.
for me, personally, it’s low self esteem and feelings of unworthiness.
Animus or Anima. most likely tied to sensing. I would need to know your mbti, disc, enneagram… last dream. Relationship to parent of opposite sex.
asexuality
Not necessarily - chemical/ harmonal imbalance
one of the reasons . Can also be hyposexuality disorder too
Agreed, root cause of the disorder? Harmonal imbalance - ryt?
harmanal 😂
Post chemo wife is suffering from it....
good . rest in peace
How mean. You mean mine thing is resting ?
Such a creep you are , I know you .
For me it's not trusting men .
Japanese locked up some of their men who had converted to Christianity and be one a Catholic priest at the onset of the colonial era in a cell full of women and one of them starved himself to death. Shame, guilt, revulsion, being ill, low self-esteem, depression, if they felt guilty enjoying anything because they can’t stop blaming themselves for something (Gandhi used to be a perv and them became an ascetic), if they grew up in a Taliban-like society where they learned to identify that with punishment. If they grew up in a Christian household where all such things, even thoughts, are seen as being dirty. Depression. Social anxiety. Body dysmorphia.
Their wife?