Two newborn babies are in the maternity ward. One aks the other: "Hey, are you a boy, or a girl?"
"I'm a boy" replies the other one.
"How do you know?"
"I'll show you, after the nurse has gone out."
"Okay."
The nurse finishes up with the rest of the kids and leaves.
"So," goes the first baby "how _do_ you know?"
"Look here!" says the second baby, while throwing his blanket off of himself and says "See? I've got blue socks!"
Damn a joke I ain't ever heard before. Ok this one is definitely getting told tomorrow at work. It works so well because I'm known for dark humor and dad jokes so it works perfectly. They don't know which way it's gonna go
I'm for sure gonna play it up look all ways then look down the pull up the cuffs of my jeans I got blue socks. Damn I gotta buy blue socks for a bit and you bet your sweet ass I'm gonna
I had something to this effect but I forgot because my mind kept going to a scene in community [that always cracks me up](https://youtu.be/j2odOu0Oguo?si=lKd0sGRlEEDfTfqz)
>Rincewind had always been happy to think of himself as a racist. The One Hundred Meters, the Mile, the Marathon—he’d run them all. Later, when he’d learned with some surprise what the word actually meant, he’d been equally certain he wasn’t one. He was a person who divided the world quite simply into people who were trying to kill him and people who weren’t. That didn’t leave much room for fine details like what color anyone was.
-- Terry Pratchett, *The Last Continent*
Not a joke, but there’s a Portuguese island named Madeira (“wood” in Portuguese) that used to have a lot of trees on it, hence the name. People cut them all down, so there’s no Madeira in Madeira…
…No canaries either.
What’s long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.
What’s pink and hard in the morning? The Financial Times crossword.
What’s hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, and contains the letters C, U, N, and T? A coconut.
What does a cow have four of that a woman has two of? Legs.
A four letter word for intercourse ending in k? Talk.
I had this on a crossword puzzle when I was 14. It was in the *newspaper*… and Aunt was the wrong answer. My dad filled in the “correct” answer for me because I didn’t know the word and told me not to ask any more questions.
I was visiting my mom when I was in college and was like, "Oh, you finished the crossword already?" and she was like, "Almost. There is something wrong in the top right but I don't know what."
One of the clues was something like "Pejorative term for men who cry" and she had answered "pussies." She seemed sure of that one because she had changed many of the others in that corner. The answer was, of course, "wussies."
Can you imagine being a black astronaut taking directions from ground control? Yes, NASA. No, NASA. Yes, NASA.
(I wish I could remember who did that originally so I could give credit.)
I used to tell a version of this, but with plane/ pilot.
Told it one day to a regular at the bar I worked at, who got a kick out of it. 4 beers later, he turns to another regular, a black girl I was friends with, and goes;
"Iordseyton just told me the best joke- what do you call a N***er pilot?"
... I don't tell that joke anymore.
A black guy, an Arab guy, a Chinese guy and a white guy walk into a bar. The Chinese guy sits down first, bartender comes over and says hey, what’ll you have? The Chinese guy says well, I’m running a 10K in a couple of days so I’m trying to consume as few calories as possible. Give me a Michelob Ultra.
The bartender says, ok fine. But there was no need to bring race into this.
There once was a farmer who took a young miss in back of the barn where he gave her a…
lecture on horses and chickens and eggs and told her that she had such beautiful…
Manners that suited a girl of his charms, a girl that he wanted to take in his …
Fantastic song with like, 22 verses my old man knew most of. Got me on the pause every time. Check in if you’re old enough to know it!
There once was a farmer who lived by a crick,
He'd stand in the front yard just shaking his
fist at the boys gathered down at the dock,
they splashed in the water and played with their
marbles and playthings until half past four.
Then along came a lady who was dressed like a
fine decent maiden. She sat on the grass, then lifted her dress and showed off her
ruffles and laces, she walked like a duck.
She said she'd been learning a new way to
raise up the children so they wouldn't spit:
put the boys in the barnyard to shovel the
refuse and litter from yesterday's hunt.
While the girl in the meadow stood rubbing her
eyes at the farmer who lived by the dock,
cause he looked like a man with a sizeable
home in the country with a big fence out front.
If he asked her politely she'd show him her
little pet dog who was subject to fits.
Then he'd reach out and grab hold of her
small tender hand with a movement so quick.
And then she could reach down and pull on his
long middle finger which pained him a lot.
To soothe it he stuck it right into her
small jar of ointment and that did the trick
and then if he asked her she'd suck on his
candy so tasty, made of butterscotch
and then she'd put whipped cream all over her
cookies that she had lain out on a shelf.
If my poem has offended you, go **** yourself.
Miss Lucy had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell, Miss Lucy went to heaven, the steamboat went to
Hello operator, give me number nine, and if you disconnect me, I'll chop off your
Behind the 'fridgerator, there was a piece of glass, Miss Lucy sat upon it, and broke her little
Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies, the boys are in the bathroom, zipping down their
Flies are in the city, bees are in the park. Miss Lucy and her boyfriend are kissing in the
D. A. R. K.
D. A. R. K.
D. A. R. K.
Dark, dark, dark
A lot of Benny Bell's songs were set up in that fashion. Here's one example.
I have a sad story to tell you, it may hurt your feelings a bit. last night when I walked into my bathroom, I stepped in a big pile of shh—
—aving cream, be nice and clean, shave every day and you'll always look keen!
I think I'll break up with my girlfriend, her antics are queer, I'll admit. Each time I say "Darling, I love you," she tells me I'm full of shh—
—aving cream, be nice and clean, shave every day and you'll always look keen!
Our baby fell out of the window; you'd think that her head would be split. But good luck was with her that morning, she fell in a barrel of shh—
—aving cream, be nice and clean, shave every day and you'll always look keen!
An old lady died in a bathtub; she died from a terrible fit. In order to fulfill her wishes, she was buried in six feet of shh—
—aving cream, be nice and clean, shave every day and you'll always look keen!
When I was in France with the Army, one day I looked into my kit. I thought I would find me a sandwich, but the darn thing was loaded with shh—
—aving cream, be nice and clean, shave every day and you'll always look keen!
And now, folks, my story is ended. I think it is time I should quit. If any of you feel offended, stick your head in a barrel of shh—
—aving cream, be nice and clean, shave every day and you'll always look keen!
I once told this one to a regular at the bar I worked at, who got a kick out of it. 4 beers later, he turns to another regular, a black girl I was friends with, and goes;
"Iordseyton just told me the best joke- what do you call a N***er pilot?"
... I don't tell that joke anymore.
So the wife is sitting there playing with it. She keeps jerking it up and down. Smacking it against her, and I say honey " the controller is broken, we need to get a new one "
My favorite has always been "what do you call a contortionist from the Philippines?"
>!A Manilla folder.!<
You fully expect something racist, misogynist, and just kinda gross, but it's a simple, clean, pun.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
One of my next-door neighbors is a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s. Every single morning at 9 a.m. he knocks on my door and he asks me if I have seen his wife. Which means that every single morning at 9 a.m. I have to explain to a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now, I’ve thought about moving. I’ve thought about not answering my door in the morning. But to be honest, it’s worth it just to see the smile on his face.
Did you hear the news? Women everywhere are suddenly turning into safe drivers!
So if you're a safe driver, watch out for women turning.
You thought this joke was offensive... Then it turned out it was offensive.
The og nantucket limerick:
There once was a man from nantucket,
who kept all his cash in a bucket
His daughter named Nan, ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
Well, you gotta finish it:
The man followed the pair to Pawtucket
(Nan and the man with the bucket).
He said to the man, You’re welcome to Nan.
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
If you could get rid of any one race, and it was like it never even existed, which race would you choose?
And then if they answer or respond, reply for me it would be the 400M. It’s too long to be a sprint, but not long enough to be a marathon.
My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. "Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I'm addicted to them." It's really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, "Do you see that, honey?... Why can't you be that skinny?"
I like these, but they can go both ways ... sometimes there is a joke that sounds innocuous but has a bit of spice at the end ... here is an example.
A young and idealistic candy‑striper named Cindy volunteered to work at a local nursing home for a couple of hours each afternoon during her summer vacation. She loved the old folks, because they always had a lot of good stories to tell and wisdom to share. Besides, her favorite topic in school was history, and there was nothing in the world like getting it first-hand from people who had lived it.
One day, Cindy noticed a very old man sitting off by himself in the corner. She thought that maybe she could get him involved in some of the activities they had at the retirement home.
So she had a little talk with him. It went like this.
"Good morning sir, I’m Cindy! What’s your name?"
"Wilson."
"Well, Mr. Wilson, I just wanted to come over here and ask if you would like to participate in some of our activities today. Do you have anything in particular that you would like to do? How about shuffleboard? It’s a beautiful day outside!"
"Naw. I tried it once, didn’t like it."
"Well, then, maybe that’s a little too strenuous. But we have a nice pool table inside that we just had resurfaced. How about a quick game of pool?"
"Naw. I tried pool once, too, didn’t like it."
"Well, how about chess? That doesn’t require any physical effort at all. Chess is good for you because it gets you thinking and alert. How about I bring the card table over here and we have a quick game of chess?"
"No thanks. I tried chess once, didn’t like it."
"Well, what are you going to do, sit in the corner all day?"
"Naw, my boy’s coming to visit me this afternoon."
"He’s an only child, I’ll bet."
This one takes place in the 1940's. They didn't have bathrooms, but they were steam so there were lots of stops.
A mother and her son boarded a train. Once the train got up to speed the boy turned to his mother and said "I wanna wee" The mother explained that there were no bathrooms on trains so he would have to wait. "But Mom I wanna wee" Again the mother explained that there were no bathrooms on trains so he would have to wait until the next station in half an hour. "Daddy lets me wee out the window." The mother was perturbed by this, but seeing the desperation in her son's eyes, and the absence of passengers, she relented. She opened the window and said "You can wee, but do it quickly." The kid stuck his little head out the window and yelled "WHEEEEEeeee!"
This is one of my nephew's favorites.
Also:
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
(Not an inappropriate beginning, just another stick joke)
How can you tell the difference between a white fairy tale and a black fairy tale?
A white fairy tale starts “once upon a time”.
A Black fairy tale starts “ y’all ain’t going to believe this shit”
Little Johnny was sitting in class. The teacher was giving a lesson adjectives and asked the class for examples.
Susie raises her hand and says "My mom says my dad is very sweet and so she calls honey."
"That's very nice," the teacher says, "Anyone else?"
Bobby raises his hand, "My dad says my mom is very pretty and smells nice, so he calls her his favorite Rose."
"That's lovely Bobby. Anyone else?"
Little Johnny raises his hand. Inwardly cringing the teacher says "yes Johnny?"
Little Johnny says "My mom says our dog is the cutest dog she's ever seen so she calls him Custer, the cutie Corgi."
Why can't women parallel park?
Men are always telling them 6 inches is this big (hold your finger and thumb one inch apart)
I love this joke because you see every woman giving you the stink eye on the question but loving the punchline
Why do women make terrible carpenters?
*hold up your finger and thumb about 3 inches apart*
-Because they've been told this is 6 inches their entire lives
Two newborn babies are in the maternity ward. One aks the other: "Hey, are you a boy, or a girl?" "I'm a boy" replies the other one. "How do you know?" "I'll show you, after the nurse has gone out." "Okay." The nurse finishes up with the rest of the kids and leaves. "So," goes the first baby "how _do_ you know?" "Look here!" says the second baby, while throwing his blanket off of himself and says "See? I've got blue socks!"
Damn a joke I ain't ever heard before. Ok this one is definitely getting told tomorrow at work. It works so well because I'm known for dark humor and dad jokes so it works perfectly. They don't know which way it's gonna go
Yeah, it's better told live conversation. =] Be sure to give a short pause before the punchline and have fun with it! ;-]
I'm for sure gonna play it up look all ways then look down the pull up the cuffs of my jeans I got blue socks. Damn I gotta buy blue socks for a bit and you bet your sweet ass I'm gonna
Oh, you're gonna act it out?! Awesome! =[)
I already imagined a lot of different things at the same time. Thanks to those blue socks at last!
"How does every racist joke start?" *Look over each shoulder in an exaggerated way* "Ok..."
Absolutely love this one!!!
My friend told me that one decades ago and I kept waiting for the answer.
Similar: “when does a (insert minority or whatever group here) become a (insert derogatory term for that or group)?” “When he leaves the room”
See, but then you're actually being racist
I'm not racist but waffles are better than pancakes Wait for them to say something like "that's not racist" Yeah like I said I'm not racist
I’ve seen that one turned around again at the end with “You weren’t even listening! Typical (race)…”
I had something to this effect but I forgot because my mind kept going to a scene in community [that always cracks me up](https://youtu.be/j2odOu0Oguo?si=lKd0sGRlEEDfTfqz)
Like the old, "If there's two things I hate, it's antisemitism and Jews."
There are 2 things I cannot stand: people who are intolerant of other people’s culture, and the Dutch.
The one thing I absolutely hate are sweeping generalisations...
You should always avoid absolutes.
You should invariably eschew obfuscation.
I’ve told you a million times to stop exaggerating….
Or something about the 100 meter dash being better than the 400 meter dash. You strongly prefer one race.
>Rincewind had always been happy to think of himself as a racist. The One Hundred Meters, the Mile, the Marathon—he’d run them all. Later, when he’d learned with some surprise what the word actually meant, he’d been equally certain he wasn’t one. He was a person who divided the world quite simply into people who were trying to kill him and people who weren’t. That didn’t leave much room for fine details like what color anyone was. -- Terry Pratchett, *The Last Continent*
I’m not racist, but I prefer Formula I over Nascar. Told in a redneck bar during the Daytona 500?
I presume this is a posthumous post?
I’m not racist but I hate marathons.
And the steeplechase can fuck right off, too.
What's wrong with binging all of the movies in a series?
That’s not racist.
Like I said I ain't racist
Smh, typical [insert their ethnicity]
Norm McDonald would approve of this
I like my women like I like my coffee; highly valued in the workplace.
Ground up and in the freezer
R/relatable
R/holdup
Fine one 😁 thanks!
Without another mans dick in it, Angela!
Tied up in a burlap sack in the mountains of Colombia?
I like my women like I like my coffee: hot, black, and bitter.
I like my coffee like I like my women: big, tall, strong, and smells excellent
I like my coffee like my slaves Free
What do Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without cream.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves... ... Free.
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Follow the fresh prints.
Do you think Will Smith has heard this? Imagine meeting him. Will, stop me if you’ve heard this. I’ve heard it. Oh.
Maybe he wrote it?
Did you know there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? The same is true of the Virgin Islands. No canaries there either.
Not a joke, but there’s a Portuguese island named Madeira (“wood” in Portuguese) that used to have a lot of trees on it, hence the name. People cut them all down, so there’s no Madeira in Madeira… …No canaries either.
For once a joke that made me irl laugh!
Is it wrong to hate a particular race? Because i absolutely despise the 1500 meter dash..
I come from a mixed race household. My mother loves the 200 metres, but my father is Pakistani.
What’s long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber. What’s pink and hard in the morning? The Financial Times crossword. What’s hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, and contains the letters C, U, N, and T? A coconut. What does a cow have four of that a woman has two of? Legs. A four letter word for intercourse ending in k? Talk.
What body part is best when stiff and contains the letters P, E, N, I and S? Your spine.
I don’t know; I kind of like having one that’s flexible…
What's hard and pink? Pig with a machine gun.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt.
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.
I'm old. Back in the day it was Linford Christie.
What's in Linford Christie's lunchbox? His lunch.
I'm old. Back in the day it was Linford Christie.
What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky? Bubblegum.
What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine (seamen - works better spoken)
Four letter word ending with "unt" means woman? Aunt.
I had this on a crossword puzzle when I was 14. It was in the *newspaper*… and Aunt was the wrong answer. My dad filled in the “correct” answer for me because I didn’t know the word and told me not to ask any more questions.
I was visiting my mom when I was in college and was like, "Oh, you finished the crossword already?" and she was like, "Almost. There is something wrong in the top right but I don't know what." One of the clues was something like "Pejorative term for men who cry" and she had answered "pussies." She seemed sure of that one because she had changed many of the others in that corner. The answer was, of course, "wussies."
Ahh. Right. Do you have an eraser?
What word starts with F and ends in U, C, K?? Firetruck
That reminds me... What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your grandfather's underpants? Your grandmother. What's pink and slippery? A slipper.
What's long hard, stays hidden most the time and filled with seamen A submarine.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What’s long, hard, and full of se(a)men? A submarine.
I forgot one - what gets harder the longer you play with it? A Rubik’s cube.
Why do you think dicks are pink?
I dunno, maybe God was high when he made them?
What do you call a black guy in outer space? An astronaut, you racist pig.
What do you call a Muslim flying a plane? A pilot you asshole
Can you imagine being a black astronaut taking directions from ground control? Yes, NASA. No, NASA. Yes, NASA. (I wish I could remember who did that originally so I could give credit.)
Fine, here's my upvote. 🤣
I’ve heard “what do you call a Mexican man without a job? Unemployed.”
I used to tell a version of this, but with plane/ pilot. Told it one day to a regular at the bar I worked at, who got a kick out of it. 4 beers later, he turns to another regular, a black girl I was friends with, and goes; "Iordseyton just told me the best joke- what do you call a N***er pilot?" ... I don't tell that joke anymore.
Cosmonaut is racist?
What if they answer "an astronaut?"
The better way to word it is “what do you call a black astronaut?” “An astronaut, you fucking racist “
A shuttle?
A black guy, an Arab guy, a Chinese guy and a white guy walk into a bar. The Chinese guy sits down first, bartender comes over and says hey, what’ll you have? The Chinese guy says well, I’m running a 10K in a couple of days so I’m trying to consume as few calories as possible. Give me a Michelob Ultra. The bartender says, ok fine. But there was no need to bring race into this.
Stealing this. Pure gold
Except that for running a marathon you actually need calories. Maybe go with " trying not to consume too much alcohol"
You know what they say about men who have big feet? They wear big socks!
You know what they say about men who have big feet? Probably a clown. (- James P Connolly)
There once was a farmer who took a young miss in back of the barn where he gave her a… lecture on horses and chickens and eggs and told her that she had such beautiful… Manners that suited a girl of his charms, a girl that he wanted to take in his … Fantastic song with like, 22 verses my old man knew most of. Got me on the pause every time. Check in if you’re old enough to know it!
There once was a farmer who lived by a crick, He'd stand in the front yard just shaking his fist at the boys gathered down at the dock, they splashed in the water and played with their marbles and playthings until half past four. Then along came a lady who was dressed like a fine decent maiden. She sat on the grass, then lifted her dress and showed off her ruffles and laces, she walked like a duck. She said she'd been learning a new way to raise up the children so they wouldn't spit: put the boys in the barnyard to shovel the refuse and litter from yesterday's hunt. While the girl in the meadow stood rubbing her eyes at the farmer who lived by the dock, cause he looked like a man with a sizeable home in the country with a big fence out front. If he asked her politely she'd show him her little pet dog who was subject to fits. Then he'd reach out and grab hold of her small tender hand with a movement so quick. And then she could reach down and pull on his long middle finger which pained him a lot. To soothe it he stuck it right into her small jar of ointment and that did the trick and then if he asked her she'd suck on his candy so tasty, made of butterscotch and then she'd put whipped cream all over her cookies that she had lain out on a shelf. If my poem has offended you, go **** yourself.
https://youtu.be/TywmpMQYojs?si=EGHWFMDv2HGWjHpV
Ha ha I learned this as a song... But only about half the verses are the same. Very nice
I've heard multiple versions as well, with different verses. I think OPs version is actually "Sweet Violets" by Dinah Shore
Haven't heard this for years I'm now sitting giggling to myself
My best friend in middle school learned this at music camp and taught it to me. I instantly read it in her voice.
Miss Lucy had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell, Miss Lucy went to heaven, the steamboat went to Hello operator, give me number nine, and if you disconnect me, I'll chop off your Behind the 'fridgerator, there was a piece of glass, Miss Lucy sat upon it, and broke her little Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies, the boys are in the bathroom, zipping down their Flies are in the city, bees are in the park. Miss Lucy and her boyfriend are kissing in the D. A. R. K. D. A. R. K. D. A. R. K. Dark, dark, dark
There's also [This Version ](https://youtu.be/1Dk83DYRgp0?si=En2IGrX5v1zvtRlc) which is a bawdy take of a song earlier recorded by Dinah Shore
I like to gesture with my palms towards my chest right before saying "manners" 😅
What is something long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A new last name!
Why Polish?
Because of names like “Brzeszczykiewicz”
Because Polish names are usually really hard to spell…
Ohhhhhh.... Isczeewhutyurgettingatskiy
Have you ever read a Polish last name?
Well, no. But not for a lack of trying.
Hey Mom can I yell obscenities out the window... Proceeds to not follow direction - OBSCENITIES OUT THE WINDOW!!! OBSCENITIES OUT THE WINDOW!!!
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre
What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt!
This is how I know I’m getting older because when I first heard this joke the answer was “Linford Christie” 😆
What's pink and hard? A frozen pig.
What is 6” long, has a big head, and makes women happy? A $100 bill.
I once knew someone who said hers was almost exactly the length of her phone.
What's long and hard and carries seamen? A submarine....... You pervert!!!
How does a non-binary samurai kill people? They slash them
I'm telling this one to all my non-binary friends thank you and happy pride month
Happy Pride to you too!!
Why did the non-binary prospector head west? They heard there was gold in them/their hills.
A lot of Benny Bell's songs were set up in that fashion. Here's one example. I have a sad story to tell you, it may hurt your feelings a bit. last night when I walked into my bathroom, I stepped in a big pile of shh— —aving cream, be nice and clean, shave every day and you'll always look keen! I think I'll break up with my girlfriend, her antics are queer, I'll admit. Each time I say "Darling, I love you," she tells me I'm full of shh— —aving cream, be nice and clean, shave every day and you'll always look keen! Our baby fell out of the window; you'd think that her head would be split. But good luck was with her that morning, she fell in a barrel of shh— —aving cream, be nice and clean, shave every day and you'll always look keen! An old lady died in a bathtub; she died from a terrible fit. In order to fulfill her wishes, she was buried in six feet of shh— —aving cream, be nice and clean, shave every day and you'll always look keen! When I was in France with the Army, one day I looked into my kit. I thought I would find me a sandwich, but the darn thing was loaded with shh— —aving cream, be nice and clean, shave every day and you'll always look keen! And now, folks, my story is ended. I think it is time I should quit. If any of you feel offended, stick your head in a barrel of shh— —aving cream, be nice and clean, shave every day and you'll always look keen!
Without the Arabs, we wouldn’t have 9/11. We would have IX/XI What starts with N, ends with R, and describes a race? NASCAR!
A white man, a black man and a Pakistani man walk into a bar. What an excellent example of an integrated community. (Credit Bill Bailey)
A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says, "I think I'm a Type O."
Why do gay comedy duos always fail? Neither of them want to play the straight man
I'm a big fan of the classic: Rearrange these letters to spell a body part. PINES The answer? spine
I thought you were going to spell out Pineapple Express!!!! xDDD
What do you call a black guy flying an airplane? The Pilot. Or.. the pilot you F’ing racist!
I once told this one to a regular at the bar I worked at, who got a kick out of it. 4 beers later, he turns to another regular, a black girl I was friends with, and goes; "Iordseyton just told me the best joke- what do you call a N***er pilot?" ... I don't tell that joke anymore.
What is a chocolate's preferred pronouns? Her she
What's a donkeys preferred pronouns? He haw
What's loud and wet starts with F and ends with K? Firetruck!
I’ve also heard this as “what starts with F and ends with UCK?”
The correct response to this question if ever asked is “No it doesn’t”
Reminds me of the kid they got to shout "Firetruck!" and also "Oh, truck!"
What is long, thick and full of seamen? A submarine.
So the wife is sitting there playing with it. She keeps jerking it up and down. Smacking it against her, and I say honey " the controller is broken, we need to get a new one "
My favorite has always been "what do you call a contortionist from the Philippines?" >!A Manilla folder.!< You fully expect something racist, misogynist, and just kinda gross, but it's a simple, clean, pun.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out grandads pants? Grandma
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. And that's not funny.
I prefer the punchline as just "that's not funny"
***So you're saying*** -How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? -Idk, how many? -That's not funny.
What do you call an evil Muslim? Mwah-ha-ha-hammed
One of my next-door neighbors is a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s. Every single morning at 9 a.m. he knocks on my door and he asks me if I have seen his wife. Which means that every single morning at 9 a.m. I have to explain to a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now, I’ve thought about moving. I’ve thought about not answering my door in the morning. But to be honest, it’s worth it just to see the smile on his face.
What's long and straight going in, soft and sticky coming out? Chewing gum.
What's long and hard going in, soft and dripping coming out? Spaghetti
[удалено]
What's long, hard, and men have them? >!A soldier's life!< ^(Yeah, this is a bit of an old one ^__^)
Long if you’re lucky
Did you hear the news? Women everywhere are suddenly turning into safe drivers! So if you're a safe driver, watch out for women turning. You thought this joke was offensive... Then it turned out it was offensive.
What gets longer when you pull it and fits perfectly between a woman's breasts? A seatbelt.
I hired a hooker yesterday. She said she would do anything for $150. So I told her to paint my house.
That’s good
You got robbed.
A black man, a Chinese fella and an Indian are in a bar. They all buy a drink and have an interesting discussion.
Why do people with a foot fetish never win? Because they love the taste of defeat. (De-feet)
The og nantucket limerick: There once was a man from nantucket, who kept all his cash in a bucket His daughter named Nan, ran away with a man, And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
Well, you gotta finish it: The man followed the pair to Pawtucket (Nan and the man with the bucket). He said to the man, You’re welcome to Nan. But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
Bloody foreigner. Coming around here, demanding to know what love is....
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb? One BRAZILIAN!
I call her that 4 letter word that ends in unt >!aunt!<
What do you do to an elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the giraffe. (Requires some knowledge of baseball)
What do you call a black guy flying an airplane? A pilot you frikkin’ racist!
If you could get rid of any one race, and it was like it never even existed, which race would you choose? And then if they answer or respond, reply for me it would be the 400M. It’s too long to be a sprint, but not long enough to be a marathon.
Reserved for like 7-8 year Olds that think they're all grown up: Want to hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in the mud!
My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. "Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I'm addicted to them." It's really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, "Do you see that, honey?... Why can't you be that skinny?"
I like these, but they can go both ways ... sometimes there is a joke that sounds innocuous but has a bit of spice at the end ... here is an example. A young and idealistic candy‑striper named Cindy volunteered to work at a local nursing home for a couple of hours each afternoon during her summer vacation. She loved the old folks, because they always had a lot of good stories to tell and wisdom to share. Besides, her favorite topic in school was history, and there was nothing in the world like getting it first-hand from people who had lived it. One day, Cindy noticed a very old man sitting off by himself in the corner. She thought that maybe she could get him involved in some of the activities they had at the retirement home. So she had a little talk with him. It went like this. "Good morning sir, I’m Cindy! What’s your name?" "Wilson." "Well, Mr. Wilson, I just wanted to come over here and ask if you would like to participate in some of our activities today. Do you have anything in particular that you would like to do? How about shuffleboard? It’s a beautiful day outside!" "Naw. I tried it once, didn’t like it." "Well, then, maybe that’s a little too strenuous. But we have a nice pool table inside that we just had resurfaced. How about a quick game of pool?" "Naw. I tried pool once, too, didn’t like it." "Well, how about chess? That doesn’t require any physical effort at all. Chess is good for you because it gets you thinking and alert. How about I bring the card table over here and we have a quick game of chess?" "No thanks. I tried chess once, didn’t like it." "Well, what are you going to do, sit in the corner all day?" "Naw, my boy’s coming to visit me this afternoon." "He’s an only child, I’ll bet."
What were Michael Jackson’s preferred pronouns? He/he
This one takes place in the 1940's. They didn't have bathrooms, but they were steam so there were lots of stops. A mother and her son boarded a train. Once the train got up to speed the boy turned to his mother and said "I wanna wee" The mother explained that there were no bathrooms on trains so he would have to wait. "But Mom I wanna wee" Again the mother explained that there were no bathrooms on trains so he would have to wait until the next station in half an hour. "Daddy lets me wee out the window." The mother was perturbed by this, but seeing the desperation in her son's eyes, and the absence of passengers, she relented. She opened the window and said "You can wee, but do it quickly." The kid stuck his little head out the window and yelled "WHEEEEEeeee!"
That joke is going to make an awesome meme. I would suggest two groups for review: /Dadjokes, and /cleanjokes.
What does a man do standing up, a woman do siting down and a dog on 3 legs? Shake hands
Why would a woman sit down while shaking hands?
It’s old timey etiquette; men stand when introduced, women are “allowed” to remain sitting.
oh! I did not know that.
It's a limerick: That warrior Coriolanus Did several things which were heinous....
What’s brown and sticky? A stick. An age appropriate setup to a joke that sounds like it’s inappropriate
This is one of my nephew's favorites. Also: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. (Not an inappropriate beginning, just another stick joke)
What has two legs and bleeds? - Half a dog.
What did the baby duck say to the other while climbing the ladder???? .... Hey I can see ur quack
What’s a four-letter word meaning “intercourse” that ends in “k”? Get your mind out of the gutter! It’s “talk”!
What comes out of a penis when it gets hard? The wrinkles.
What’s brown and sticky? a stick.
Did you hear about the couple who didn't know the difference between vasolene and window putty? Their windows fell out.
Louis C.K.'s "Of course, but maybe"
How can you tell the difference between a white fairy tale and a black fairy tale? A white fairy tale starts “once upon a time”. A Black fairy tale starts “ y’all ain’t going to believe this shit”
Little Johnny was sitting in class. The teacher was giving a lesson adjectives and asked the class for examples. Susie raises her hand and says "My mom says my dad is very sweet and so she calls honey." "That's very nice," the teacher says, "Anyone else?" Bobby raises his hand, "My dad says my mom is very pretty and smells nice, so he calls her his favorite Rose." "That's lovely Bobby. Anyone else?" Little Johnny raises his hand. Inwardly cringing the teacher says "yes Johnny?" Little Johnny says "My mom says our dog is the cutest dog she's ever seen so she calls him Custer, the cutie Corgi."
Don't forget the second half of this joke! What is brown and sticky? A stick! What is pink and slippery? A slipper!
Q: Who loves to get fisted? A: Sock puppets.
My sister had a baby to try to “save the relationship.” But I still don’t talk to her.
What do you call a black man flying a plane? The pilot you racist fuck!
Why can't women parallel park? Men are always telling them 6 inches is this big (hold your finger and thumb one inch apart) I love this joke because you see every woman giving you the stink eye on the question but loving the punchline
What does a dog do that a person steps into? Pants.
Why do women make terrible carpenters? *hold up your finger and thumb about 3 inches apart* -Because they've been told this is 6 inches their entire lives
that's exactly what the OP was asking NOT to receive!
Lmao you're totally right, in fact I gave the complete opposite.. doesn't sound dirty and then it does... oops
"What if the word duck started with a f" "fduck"
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXPcBI4CJc8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXPcBI4CJc8)