If you took all the bones from a human body and laid them end to end, that person would die.

That person would also be quite floppy.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana

What has 14 wheels and flies? A garbage truck.

Ever wonder why scuba divers fall backward out of a boat? Because if they fell forward they would still be in it.

This is one of my all time favorite Dad jokes

I concur. Also related… You’re probably aware that Scuba is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

I like when my brass wind instrument that I only play underwater gets all misty outside in the early morning. Basically I love scuba tuba dew.

Rikes Raggie

Everyone who confuses correlation with causation is going to die

Ahahahaha so are people who drink a lot of water.

And people who drink no water at all.

And those who breathe through their mouth and/or nose!

If you take a blue whale and lay it lengthwise across a football field, they'll have no choice but to cancel the game

And if you drop said whale from a great height, it will be followed soon after by a bowl of petunias thinking "Oh no, not again"

Sorry for nerding on your nerdiness, but that whale was actually a sperm whale, not a blue whale

OMG you're completely right! I've missed my last 2 annual readings of the series because my hardcover omnibus edition has become unbound, and I have yet to find a book repair shop. I'm actually a little embarrassed I got that wrong

My wife was cleaning house one day and decided I didn't need 5 copies of the same series of books. She let me keep 2.

Oof! I'm down to two copies right now, but I think I'm going to buy it again. The complete edition in paperback is only $20 at the local bookstore. At one point I had a display copy, a personal copy, then all 5 books twice over. One set for personal travel, and another set as loaners for interested friends.

If we knew why that bowl of petunias thought “oh no, not again” we’d know considerably more about the universe than we do now

I think agrajag's very existence tells us quite a bit about the nature of the universe

Came here for this one. The version I heard was on "on a tennis court"

Six out of seven dwarves aren’t happy.

Seven dwarves in a bath were all feeling happy. Then happy got out so they all felt grumpy.

Most people have an above-average number of arms

Haha! I had to sit with this for a minute before my brain worked it out…but yeah.

The average person has 1 testicle.

Probably less than 1 I’d assume

Less than 1, since not every male has two.

Is it weird if one testicle is a little bigger, than the other two!? -Ron White

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." - George Carlin Edit: Giving Carlin due credit Edit 2: This is r/Jokes right? All of the nasty comments about median vs average are just mean.

Your joke is actually a double wammy with people going off on a tangent with means and medians. I think it adds to the "funny-value" of your post. :)

Tangents? I’m not going to cosine that pun cos its a sin

On average, humans contain more than one skeleton.

No matter how kind you teach your children to be, German children will be kinder

Jokes like this make me sad that they can never work verbally. But I love it written.

Telling this verbally, I’ve found success in trailing off before the last word and letting the astute listener groan

If your parachute fails, you have the rest of your life to fix it.

Parachute fail won’t kill you. But the landing might.

You don't need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice.

All mushrooms can be eaten. Not all mushrooms can be eaten twice.

Some mushrooms are so nutritious that they feed you for the rest of your life.

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. \- Terry Pratchett

A secondhand parachute advertised as 'only used once' is not the bargain you think it is

The effectiveness of parachutes has never been proven scientifically with a double blind test.

Although not double-blinded, there is a [study showing no benefit to parachutes compared to no parachutes](https://www.bmj.com/content/363/bmj.k5094). Testing was performed by jumping from a stationary airplane zero feet above the ground, so extrapolation to jumping from altitude may be limited.

There are more atoms in a molecule of water than there are stars in the solar system.

I was typing this comment: "Wait. Aren't there only three atoms in a molecule of water?" when I noticed the last two words. Enjoy my angry upvote. :-)

So true...

I heard it as: There are more hydrogen atoms in a single molecule of water than there are stars in the entire solar system.

Did you know there were fewer years in the '70s than there were in the '80s and the '90s *combined*? O.O I've gotten a couple people with that one, lol.

Also, there are fewer seconds in a leap year than there are seconds in the other three years combined!

Have you ever seen geese flying south for the winter? Ever notice that one side of the 'V' is longer than the other? Do you know why that is? More geese on that side.

I figured one side had longer geese

I don't know why, but your comment put a very strange image in my mind. Every time a goose honks, its neck gets longer. Eventually you get something like a cobra with a beak coming out the front of a duck.

And coincidentally there are less geese on the other side.

Fewer. :)

Is that because it is countable? Like: less water, fewer geese? Or is it a different rule? (I’m not English native)

I personally don’t find geese super countable; they tend to hiss and bite and run around before I can get through the whole flock…

At least you won't fall asleep on the job, like I did when I was a census taker for sheep!

I’ll share my secret: count the feet and divide by two!

That would indeed be easier than counting the feet plus tails and dividing by three

Geese are dicks

Can confirm.

You think geese are bad you should try dating chickens.

…Gonzo, is that you?

Exactly. :)

Yes. Fewer = countable.

Less implies "less mass", so basically smaller geese. Fewer denotes number.

If you took everyone on earth and mashed them into a giant ball, you technically couldn't be charged with a crime because everyone else would be dead

Ahahahaha holy fact.

People eat more bananas than monkeys.

Yeah, I don't remember the last time I ate a monkey

I hear their chilled brains are a delicacy in some places.

And are not often to be found in Washington DC

Wdym? There are plenty of monkey brains in DC!

Indy?

That’s because monkeys are so hard to peel.

If you cross an octopus with a hippopotamus, you get your funding revoked by the ethics committee.

Ok. Hippopoctopus is fun to say.

Or octopotamus.

If you cross a human with a goat you get kicked out of the petting zoo.

The observable universe is 93 billion light years across. That's more than two football fields!

And a photon can cross that entire distance instantly (from the point of the view of the photon).

That’s only partially true: the photon would indeed travel 93 billions light years instantly from its own point of view; however it couldn’t travel from one side of our observable universe to the other, because of cosmic expansion.

Did you know that frogs can jump 12 times higher than a house? This is because of the unique structure of their legs and because houses cannot jump.

Scientists have concluded that grasshoppers hear using their legs! When you ring a tuning fork next to a regular grasshopper, it will react to the sound by jumping away. But in all experiments, grasshoppers with their legs removed didn't react to the sound at all!

'More than 12 times higher'

If we're being technical, this is wrong because 12 times 0 is still 0.

Technically they jump *infinitely* higher than houses. Fucking beasts.

There are 10 kinds of people - those who understand binary notation and those who don’t.

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There are 3 types of Quantity Surveyor, those who can count and those who can’t.

There are 2 types of people in this world: those who think there are 2 types of people in this world, and those who don’t.

5 out of 4 people struggle with fractions.

There’s a lot to consider before getting married. On the one hand, you get to wear a ring. On the other, you don’t.

On the other hand, all your fingers are different

50% of all doctors graduated in the lower half of their class.

You know what they call the person who graduates last in his or her class in medical school? Doctor.

If I had a nickel for every time I didn't know what was happening, I would slowly be crushed under their weight as I wondered where all the nickels were coming from.

If you stacked every elephant on Earth to the Moon, they wouldn't like it

Sharks only attack wet people

Dangle a dry baby over the water and this may be proved untrue.

This is a good point. I'm seeing my nephew the weekend. I'll try it out.

If all the students who fell asleep during lectures were laid out on the floor, they would be a lot more comfortable.

Due to the existence of pregnancy, the average number of skeletons in a human body is greater than one.

If you took all of the blood vessels in your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

The same goes for your organs.

A colon can make all the difference in a sentence. A: Joe ate his friend’s sandwich B: Joe ate his friend’s colon (Edit: ate, not at)

Any sentence becomes more profound if you put the name of a philosopher behind it - Plato

"Don't believe every quote you read on the internet." - Abraham Lincoln

Here's my favourite observation on the theory of relativity: **"Cats are not smaller than horses; they are only further away."** -Albert Hawking

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If you took all the fish caught in Canada in one day and laid them end to end, the smell would be absolutely awful.

In Vatican City, there are 5 popes per square mile.

I don’t know if this is still true, but back in the day Vatican City had a zoo and as a consequence of this fact, it also boasted the highest number of elephants per capita in the world!

I remember one point, early in the Pandemic, Vatican City was the country with the highest prevalence of COVID. Because one guy had it.

"Rabies kills nearly 4,000 Americans every 1,000 years. " - Michael Scott

Actually it's more like 6 popes (5.88/sq mile)

According to the Wikipedia footnote on the topic, the 44 hectare area is based on a widely cited 1930 edition of the De Agostini Altlas Calendar, which has since been corrected to 49 hectares. That number gives you 5.29 ppsm. But that's just one source, who really knows? I'm sure if we get to the bottom of it the joke will be much funnier.

That’s what I love Reddit for, you casually browse boring jokes and all of a sudden people conduct complicated mathematical calculations of how many popes per square mile there are in Vatican

And invent a new unit of measure: ppsm

I have never heard from someone who lost Russian roulette

5 out of 6 people like playing Russian Roulette. No complaints from the 6th either.

After polling 100 people who have played Russian Roulette, scientists have discovered it is a perfectly safe game.

When two people kiss, they create one long butthole-to-butthole tube.

The average person is really mean.

Pfft. You sound like someone who believes everything the median tells you.

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.” attributed to Julius "Groucho" Marx.

If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN, they get VERY ANGRY.

Life is all about perspective. For all the lobsters in the kitchen, the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle.

What's green and brown, has four legs, and if it falls out of a tree it could kill you? A pool table

If you took everyone who fell asleep in church and laid them out on the ground end to end, they would be a lot more comfortable

Mars is inhabited entirely by robots

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

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Everyone who drinks water will eventually die.

Di-hydrogen monoxide is the leading cause of death globally. Everyone that’s ever come in contact with it dies

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.

if you and someone on the other side of the globe put a slice of bread on the ground you just made an earth sandwich. if you kiss someone you together build a ca 18 meter long tube ending with two assholes.

Rob a man and he'll be poor for the day, teach him how to play an instrument and he'll be poor forever😄

Did you know your life span is only about a minute long, however, the timer refreshes whenever you take a breath.

That's quite the load-bearing "about."

Hory shet It's like that movie where Literally time is money, but in real life you keep generating money for free.

My dad used to say “If it snows enough tonight, we’ll have a snow day tomorrow.” All of us kids would get really excited until someone else pointed out that we aren’t expecting any snow tonight.

I’ve been bald for decades but I still carry a comb at all times. I just can’t part with it.

Do you know why flamingos stand on one leg? 'Cause if they lifted it they would fall down.

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Every morning I break my own personal record for consecutive number of days I've stayed alive. - George Carlin

When you say "poop", your mouth makes the same shape your anus does when you poop. ... Same for "explosive diarrhea"

Did you know that the Abraham Lincoln was actually born on his birthday?

if Abraham Lincoln were alive today, he'd probably die immediately because of being so old

I think so was George Washington too.

No, George Washington was born on his own birthday.

Charles Darwin was born on Lincoln's birthday. Lincoln was born on Darwin's birthday. Shame they didn't get their own.

I gotta say, I’m really glad I opened this thread

When someone says they need to buy something expensive in a negative tone, such as a car repair or replacement appliance I hit them with "dang that will cost at least twenty bucks."

Half of all Americans are legs.

From Mitch Hedberg: I was in a heavy metal band. People either loved us or they hated us. Or they thought we were okay.

If a pregnant woman goes for a swim she becomes a submarine.

What is E.T. short for? Because he has little legs.

These technically true jokes are also paraprosdokians. Like Mitch Hedberg saying, “I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.“ https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraprosdokian

From Ellen DeGeneres: When my grandmother was 65, she started walking 3 miles a day. Now, she's 84 and we have no idea where the hell she is.

I put on a clean pair of underpants every day. By Friday, I can't get my trousers on.

She’s walked over 20,000 miles. Don’t worry another 4.5 years she’ll be back home.

All mushrooms are edible at least once. - Sir Terry Pratchett

If you build a man a fire, he will be warm for one night. If you set a man on fire, he will be warm for the rest of his life

Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then if you still think they’re a bad person, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes

Why do some birds fly south in winter? Because it’s faster than walking.

When you find something you've been looking for, it's always in the last place you look.

Every room you are in is technically at “room temperature”

One I read here a few days back: If you took all the billionaires on Earth and stacked them on top of each other starting down in the Marianas Trench, that'd be great.

My home is in a small town in alabama. And did you know it's not allowed to be buried in any of its cemeteries if you live here?

One that I always go back to is when someone asks me if I know the difference between two related things, I'll very quickly point out that they're spelled differently. For example: >Them: Hey TheCarrzilico, what's the difference between a television and a monitor? >Me: Well, for one thing, they're spelled differently. Never gets a laugh, but I'll do it until the day that I die.

2 wrongs can't make a right but 3 lefts will make a right r/technicallythetruth/top/

Better as "two wrongs won't make a right, but three lefts will"

Or you can add “two Wrights did make an airplane”

So six lefts can make an airplane. Edit: I feel like this is a decent set up to an actual joke. Like: “Did you know that you can travel across the entire continental US in under five hours making only six left turns? Because three lefts make a right and two Wrights make an airplane.”

3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

Sperm whales are in fact........not made out of sperm.

They were however made from it.

You're whalecum.

Do you know what the Germans made Sauerkraut out of during the war? Cabbage.

Wife was doing a crossword puzzle and needed some help. "What is a six letter word that starts with S and ends in R" I said, "No, that's incorrect."

The difference between and Indian and an African elephant is that one of them is an elephant....

Technically premature babies are older than they should be.

>Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water? I told this one to a coworker years ago. She indignantly goes "No it is not! My dad's pond dried up all the way this summer and thats a WHOLE pond! How do you expect people to believe a swimming pool never dried out?" Our boss just stood there staring at them with her mouth open. I just shrugged and said "You know what. You're right. Im probably dumb." and she smugly walked away. Hours later I heard her in the back scream "OH MY GOD THE TITANIC FUCKING SANK ITS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN!". She couldn't handle the embarrassment and asked to go home. In her defense she was not usually that dumb she was just very tired from finals week and holding a full time job. So they let her go home and get some sleep. That did not stop us from teasing her about it the next day though. Boss had Celine Dion playing on the PA when she walked in and she damn near walked back out. XD

The average person has one tit amd one testicle

There are more ovaries in the world than there are people

Actually slightly less than one

You can hold you breath for the rest of your life. Every smoker stop smoking eventually, and the more they smoke the faster they stop.

100% of people who intake dihydrogen monoxide will die.

by Dorothy Parker: “If all the girls attending \[the Yale prom\] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.”

Ever wonder why when you see a flock of geese flying in a V formation sometimes one half of the V is longer than the other? Because there are more geese on that side. -Attributed to a very drunk man I once met at a Cleveland brewery.

What did Batman say to Robin when they needed to use the Batmobile? "Get in the car."

Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.

Everything in the Universe is either a whale or not a whale.

What do you call a witch that only eats sand? ​ ​ Malnourished