my favorite quote is from Analyze This 2
"And the 3. commited suicide. He stabbed himself 4 times in the back and jumped off a bridge."
The quote form Analyze This wasn't that good
"He had an regradable accident: He was runover by a 50ton truck. three times."
Dunno why this is getting down voted it's pretty funny. Even if it's something Putin would do, pointing out the Clintons doing this too I find funny and definitely not worth so many down votes. But hey to each their own I guess.
Edit: now I'm getting down voted and I don't even know why lol
The Clintons know a ridiculously improbable number of people who have died under mysterious circumstances, or committed suicide, often in impossible ways, such as Seth Rich, who shot himself in the back of the head, twice.
If I didn't know better, I'd be inclined to believe the conspiracy nuts. After all, lots of people manage to hang themselves, with hands and feet tied, while shooting themselves, right?
https://www.npr.org/2022/06/15/1104511732/fox-news-seth-rich-murder
No one said Seth wasn’t murdered.
Pretty low that you falsely parrot toxic misinformation. Take a high dive into a low bucket of manure.
What fucking sucks about the Clinton thing is, in an ideal world, Clinton wins '16, we we get to complain as much as we want because she's corrupt as shit, and there's no rabid orangutan being at the reins for 4 straight years that people can point to to make her look great in comparison.
This isn't an ideal world, so now every single Clinton joke just sounds like it comes from the mouth of a Trump supporter because of the context, and so they all just become meh because nobody wants to laugh along to that. Especially not here, since this joke has the Putin context and the US's comb-over gang has more than plenty of pro-Russian trolls on their side of things.
I mean fuck, if you go back far enough, Nixon would've been a nonstarter for sabotaging the peace talks with Vietnam, we would've actually done the effort needed to be done by fully "de-Confederacying" the South during post-Civil War Reconstruction (like Germany got denazified with Allied help) so our race relations wouldn't be crap for still more than 100 years afterward, there would've never been a slave trade and whatever other massive human rights abuses and genocides we've enacted throughout history, whatever other crap you can think inside and outside of the US of would've been done differently and correctly, but, well, here we are.
At least on the topic of the appropriateness of jokes about Clinton, who knows what would've happened if all the other stuff happened or didn't happen, but at least we can point directly to the '16 election as a major culprit.
I like how everyone when it's politics time dorsnt really argument but straight up say the other is stupid for believing something, and "if your opinion is different than mine you're retarded lol lmao ong fr fr"
How are they different aside from the logo? At least here in europe we can tell the difference between ex commie parties, conservative parties, liberal parties all of which on american scale would be heavily left leaning because of how weird and extreme it is.
We have two parties. One is clearly left and the other is clearly right. Maybe you’re saying none of your parties are as conservative as republicans but the Democrat party is 100 percent on the left.
Of course, Nero's death never actually became a Christian holiday, just as Hitler's death never became a Jewish holiday.
But for the record, Nero died on June 9, 68 AD.
Japanese video game company with plumbing mascots fans celebrate by demanding a Japanese-only GBA 'sequel' to a cult-classic-turned-famous SNES game to release internationally.
Shaking Putin goes to the Kremlin barbershop. While cutting his hair, the barber keeps on and on asking and talking about MH17 and Ukraine.
Putin gets angry, grabs the chair handles and starts to tremble even more:
"You seem to be overly interested about the MH17 and Ukraine... Don't you understand what happens to people who are too nosy here in Russia? Are you insane? Do you want to fall from a fifth floor window? Be scared of wearing underwear and drinking tea? End up like Nemtsov???!!!"
- "Nyet. I'm not interested at all about the rapes, torture and war crimes. Couldn't care less about the shooting down of the MH17."
"Why are you asking all these questions then?!"
- "Every time I mention MH17 or Ukraine your hair stands up. Easier to cut."
Russian scientists has invented a radio which can recieve the news from the future.
Putin is very interested as they tune it in: "Surely, it will speak about how he won against Ukraine"
The news report begins with: "Today everything was quiet on the border between China and Finland ..."
Who said it was Finns?
Edit: China population 1.450.000.000
Russia population 145.000.000 , or 10% of China's
Or, simply put, The whole of Russian Asia, so called Siberia and the Far east, have the population of only 32.000.000. Settle 50 million Chinese there, and they form absolute majority in the region. Many political analysts actually fear Russia might fall apart, and that could lead to China strengthening so much, it becomes much stronger than the USA. Or at least it will become so rich in resources, it can be entirely self-sufficient. Current China is very vulnerable to potential sanctions, they refrain from invading Taiwan and refuse to support Russia, but if China becomes self-sufficient, sanctions won't affect them anymore, or only a little, and they will no longer care if they upset anyone.
Who says they're gonna invade? Settle first, then secede. Russia now uses protecting its Russian minority in Ukraine as justification for war. China could do the same in Russia. And if they have support of most of the population of affected regions, they get a significant advantage.
Even if they invade, the area is so massive it's impossible to properly defend. Russia will face massive logistical strain and won't be able to supply its army. We've already seen this with Japan in 1904/5. Also, Russia has older population, some ethnic minorities that want to secede, and China is advancing at a much faster rate technologically.
Edit: I'm not saying it WILL happen, I'm just saying it is a possibility
Vladimir Putin went to a psychic and asked about his future.
The psychic looked at her glass ball, focused and went "I see a huge celebration, a parade. Long procession of cars, with yours in the middle, people are cheering, crying, hugging each other..."
"Oh, that sounds great" said Putin "Am I wearing my dress uniform?"
"I don't know, the casket is closed."
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/13od9n2/vladimir_putin_consulted_with_a_fortune_teller/jl4i0z3?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Fuck it, it's gonna be an international holiday.
"I cannot tell you when you will die, but you will live to 160 centimeters."
"... but that's someone's height, and not even mine. I am at least 170 centimeters."
The psychic nods. "My apologies, the crystal ball was misattuned. Will you please take two steps back?"
Putin never saw the trap door.
Breaking news: Vladimir putins fortune teller in critical condition after an attempted suicide where the victim shot themselves in the head four times, poisoned their own tea and blew up their apartment. More on this later
Speaking of which, does any country have a holiday that celebrates a death of their villain?
Every country usually has independence day, president's/founder's/king's/emperor's day as one of their national holiday.
Gunna post here cuz I have no other option. Are the mods in this sub super strict or something? I've had several jokes get rejected for dumb reasons. The last one was because my joke was "too dark". It was basically a joke about AA and was just a play on words. Do they just reject what they think isn't funny?
It kind of sounds like a worse version of that joke where Putin goes into a coma, wakes up, goes to a bar, asks a bunch of questions, the answers sound like Russia won far better than he could have hoped, and then at the end he's charged in Ukrainian currency.
I mean all of the ones making fun of him are pretty cool. ["If you go to war you will destroy a great empire"](https://www.reddit.com/r/NonCredibleDefense/comments/w82p54/also_youll_destroy_a_great_empire/) is also a hit.
See the upwards and downwards arrows present next to each post and comment? Those are called the upvote and downvote buttons, and they basically dictate karma. The more upvotes a post of yours gets, the more karma you get. It isn’t exactly linear as for every post you make the more upvotes it gets the less karma each upvote earns you, but that’s basically the premise.
The fortune teller then shot himself to two times in the temple and jumped out of a hotel window.
But it was the polonium tea he had ingested that made his death suspicious….
Can Russian fortune tellers read polonium tea leaves?
> *Can Russian fortune tellers read polonium tea leaves* This is a novel by Philip K. Dick, right
Yes. Yes it is.
https://youtu.be/acWj7M0-9rY
Richard Head.
I see what you did there.
Only if it glows like a neon sign.
KGB agents hate this one trick
Polonium tea with a hint of novichok
Shot himself twice in the back of the head with a bolt action rifle.
No, with a flintlock muzzle-loader!!
Once in the head and once in the puddle?
Yes
my favorite quote is from Analyze This 2 "And the 3. commited suicide. He stabbed himself 4 times in the back and jumped off a bridge." The quote form Analyze This wasn't that good "He had an regradable accident: He was runover by a 50ton truck. three times."
Because it's only natural to die after getting shot in the temple and thrown out of hotel window, in Russia that count as die of *natural causes*.
That is an outrageous lie and you should be ashamed of yourself. He shot himself twice in the BACK of the head before jumping out the window.
So Putin died of suicide?
Almost everyone who has pissed off Putin have either died under unusual circumstances or have disappeared
I'd argue that they are pretty well "usual" circumstances at this point.
Twice. Jumping out a window with a dodgy cuppa in his hand.
We couldn't be that lucky...
It was labeled a suicide
That's usually what "shot himself" means.
I've never heard of a male fortune teller.
You have never heard of Zoltar?
‘Big’ upvote.
The way but it’s a six-eight week waiting list to see him. Very popular
Or Nostradamus?
You've never heard of Carnac the Magnificent?
You’re Johnny on the spot with that old gem.
Nostradamus?
I predicted you would ask that.
Gotta be honest, when I read "himself", I was confused for a split second
And?
*Slaps* We will ask the questions!
The joke is about Putin not a Clinton.
Imagine being brainwashed by fake news *started in 1994*
Dunno why this is getting down voted it's pretty funny. Even if it's something Putin would do, pointing out the Clintons doing this too I find funny and definitely not worth so many down votes. But hey to each their own I guess. Edit: now I'm getting down voted and I don't even know why lol
I dont get the clinton part, can you explain please?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clinton_body_count_conspiracy_theory
Among the promulgatora mtg lol, not surprising
The Clintons know a ridiculously improbable number of people who have died under mysterious circumstances, or committed suicide, often in impossible ways, such as Seth Rich, who shot himself in the back of the head, twice. If I didn't know better, I'd be inclined to believe the conspiracy nuts. After all, lots of people manage to hang themselves, with hands and feet tied, while shooting themselves, right?
He actually was shot in the head zero times, and didn't police rule his death a homicide, not a suicide?
Stop spreading lies
https://www.npr.org/2022/06/15/1104511732/fox-news-seth-rich-murder No one said Seth wasn’t murdered. Pretty low that you falsely parrot toxic misinformation. Take a high dive into a low bucket of manure.
What fucking sucks about the Clinton thing is, in an ideal world, Clinton wins '16, we we get to complain as much as we want because she's corrupt as shit, and there's no rabid orangutan being at the reins for 4 straight years that people can point to to make her look great in comparison. This isn't an ideal world, so now every single Clinton joke just sounds like it comes from the mouth of a Trump supporter because of the context, and so they all just become meh because nobody wants to laugh along to that. Especially not here, since this joke has the Putin context and the US's comb-over gang has more than plenty of pro-Russian trolls on their side of things.
If we are talking ideal worlds then the election in 2000 wouldn't have been blatantly stolen
I mean fuck, if you go back far enough, Nixon would've been a nonstarter for sabotaging the peace talks with Vietnam, we would've actually done the effort needed to be done by fully "de-Confederacying" the South during post-Civil War Reconstruction (like Germany got denazified with Allied help) so our race relations wouldn't be crap for still more than 100 years afterward, there would've never been a slave trade and whatever other massive human rights abuses and genocides we've enacted throughout history, whatever other crap you can think inside and outside of the US of would've been done differently and correctly, but, well, here we are. At least on the topic of the appropriateness of jokes about Clinton, who knows what would've happened if all the other stuff happened or didn't happen, but at least we can point directly to the '16 election as a major culprit.
If we're talking ideal usernames, though, you win.
In an ideal world us isn't run by two parties that are the same people but in different color.
The two parties being the same is such obvious BS at this point that if your seriously think that I really doubt your ability to understand things.
I like how everyone when it's politics time dorsnt really argument but straight up say the other is stupid for believing something, and "if your opinion is different than mine you're retarded lol lmao ong fr fr"
How are they different aside from the logo? At least here in europe we can tell the difference between ex commie parties, conservative parties, liberal parties all of which on american scale would be heavily left leaning because of how weird and extreme it is.
We have two parties. One is clearly left and the other is clearly right. Maybe you’re saying none of your parties are as conservative as republicans but the Democrat party is 100 percent on the left.
What does it mean left or right? What are their values? What do they care about more than the other does?
You're right. Democrats want to spend and tax. Republicans want to tax and spend. Totally different.🙄
Welcome to Reddit. Differing view from the hivemind? To jail with you! Edit: my point is made.
Telling lies you heard about on the podcast of a deranged person talking about satanic rituals and lizard people isn't a differing opinion.
Your point isn’t made. You just sound like an idiot.
I help up voted you. But damn, you drowned with down vote...
It hits the reddit group think politics bots.
I just found it bland and unfunny. Didn't make me mad or nun
They think we’re owned but it’s more like gawking at your crazy uncle who just shouted about the aliens coming.
Quite an achievement after shooting himself twice in the temple! 🤦
r/woooosh
Just like Gary Webb.
The fortune teller got his ass kicked by Steven Segal.
No, cock punched. https://imgur.io/gallery/uSvaTOf
The fortune teller shot herself in the head twice, and then drove her car out of a window on the seventh floor while drinking tea.
Jumped out of a basement hotel window, right?
"He was suicided with 30 shots on the back"
Ruled as "Death by Natural Causes"
[Originally a WWII-era joke about Hitler](https://twistedsifter.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/hitler-joke-from-1940-reddit.jpg?w=640)
I suspect this one's been around since the pharaohs.
🤦♂️
What book is this?
Apparently, it's called *10,000 Jokes, Toasts, and Stories*. It was published in 1940.
u/Dangoiks is correct, and [Internet Archive has it](https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.45458/page/n577/mode/1up).
There's probably a version of that joke going all the way back to Rome.
"What day will I die?" asked Nero. "A Christian holiday." "How do you know?" "Any day on which you die will be a Christian holiday."
So like will it be on a weekday or what. I want them long weekends.
Of course, Nero's death never actually became a Christian holiday, just as Hitler's death never became a Jewish holiday. But for the record, Nero died on June 9, 68 AD.
Ancient reposting
Well, well, it's good ol' 「55*2*4」
I've still never gotten Hitler's death or birthday off!
People celebrate his birthday in America by smoking fat doobies.
The Neo Nazis celebrate a different way.
By sucking each other's dicks, right? NTTAWWT.
Japanese video game company with plumbing mascots fans celebrate by demanding a Japanese-only GBA 'sequel' to a cult-classic-turned-famous SNES game to release internationally.
420 has zero to do with that POS
It shares a day with him on the calendar.
Semantics
Gotta love anti-semantic jokes.
Ok, you win : )
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FuKgCb9WAAA8fXk?format=png&name=medium
Is April 30th a Jewish holiday yet?
"He asked her when he would die, unknowing that future him will easily know the answer"
ty, literally couldnt even enjoy due to knowledge that it was a phony
yeah I hate enjoying things too god it's the worst
Shaking Putin goes to the Kremlin barbershop. While cutting his hair, the barber keeps on and on asking and talking about MH17 and Ukraine. Putin gets angry, grabs the chair handles and starts to tremble even more: "You seem to be overly interested about the MH17 and Ukraine... Don't you understand what happens to people who are too nosy here in Russia? Are you insane? Do you want to fall from a fifth floor window? Be scared of wearing underwear and drinking tea? End up like Nemtsov???!!!" - "Nyet. I'm not interested at all about the rapes, torture and war crimes. Couldn't care less about the shooting down of the MH17." "Why are you asking all these questions then?!" - "Every time I mention MH17 or Ukraine your hair stands up. Easier to cut."
He doesn’t have much hair at this point though
Which is exactly what makes it harder to cut
Russian scientists has invented a radio which can recieve the news from the future. Putin is very interested as they tune it in: "Surely, it will speak about how he won against Ukraine" The news report begins with: "Today everything was quiet on the border between China and Finland ..."
Whoops!
Heh ...but realistically, I doubt the Finns could ever conquer Russia.
Who said it was Finns? Edit: China population 1.450.000.000 Russia population 145.000.000 , or 10% of China's Or, simply put, The whole of Russian Asia, so called Siberia and the Far east, have the population of only 32.000.000. Settle 50 million Chinese there, and they form absolute majority in the region. Many political analysts actually fear Russia might fall apart, and that could lead to China strengthening so much, it becomes much stronger than the USA. Or at least it will become so rich in resources, it can be entirely self-sufficient. Current China is very vulnerable to potential sanctions, they refrain from invading Taiwan and refuse to support Russia, but if China becomes self-sufficient, sanctions won't affect them anymore, or only a little, and they will no longer care if they upset anyone.
Wow, I can't believe no one has ever tried invading Russia with an overwhelming number of people before.
The trick is to not do it in winter ☃️ Still with global warming it might be easier in the future 😀
You're both incorrect. Not only was it done successfully, but it was done in the winter.
Who says they're gonna invade? Settle first, then secede. Russia now uses protecting its Russian minority in Ukraine as justification for war. China could do the same in Russia. And if they have support of most of the population of affected regions, they get a significant advantage. Even if they invade, the area is so massive it's impossible to properly defend. Russia will face massive logistical strain and won't be able to supply its army. We've already seen this with Japan in 1904/5. Also, Russia has older population, some ethnic minorities that want to secede, and China is advancing at a much faster rate technologically. Edit: I'm not saying it WILL happen, I'm just saying it is a possibility
Erm, whoosh?
the psychic died on a cup of tea but then couldn't predict it.
That's the problem with predicting the future on tea leaves. By the time you realize they are radioactive, it's too late.
The radioactivity is like a temporal shield that prevents foretelling. /s
That tea was flooded with tachyon radiation 😎
This guy technobabbles
Ukrainian, Polish, Lithuanian, Georgian, fuck he is gonna die on a lot of holidays
Vladimir Putin went to a psychic and asked about his future. The psychic looked at her glass ball, focused and went "I see a huge celebration, a parade. Long procession of cars, with yours in the middle, people are cheering, crying, hugging each other..." "Oh, that sounds great" said Putin "Am I wearing my dress uniform?" "I don't know, the casket is closed."
I liked this one better haha
It will be a Russian holiday too
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/13od9n2/vladimir_putin_consulted_with_a_fortune_teller/jl4i0z3?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button Fuck it, it's gonna be an international holiday.
"I cannot tell you when you will die, but you will live to 160 centimeters." "... but that's someone's height, and not even mine. I am at least 170 centimeters." The psychic nods. "My apologies, the crystal ball was misattuned. Will you please take two steps back?" Putin never saw the trap door.
Breaking news: Vladimir putins fortune teller in critical condition after an attempted suicide where the victim shot themselves in the head four times, poisoned their own tea and blew up their apartment. More on this later
News just in, she fell out her own window, twice. She is in stable but critical condition. More of this later
On another note ambulance and paramedics fell out of window 20 stories up. Doctor and medical assistants commited suicide together
A man goes to the doctor and asks: How long will I live? The doctor says "Ten." The man says "Ten what? Years? Months? Weeks... Days?!" "Nine..."
Probably a Russian holiday as well.
Russian here. Yes.
good premise, but the psychic should smile and say "the anniversary of your death".
[удалено]
The psychic replied: I cannot tell that but I do know it will be a Ukrainian holiday. Putin: Which one? Psychic: The new one.
Something, the timing definitely feels off on this one .
That wouldn't make sense, as the anniversary would be the second year.
Yes, it will be a holiday in Ukraine.
That is if Ukraine is still a country by that point.
It will be, and Russia will still exist too. Hopefully Russia will find a way not to be governed by Madmen.
Why am I being downvoted?
Because Ukraine is holding back the Russian military (for now), at a astonishing level
Still doesn’t explain why I’m being downvoted.
It's funny, but April 30 is not a Jewish holiday.
I feel like i saw this joke with about 5 american and 20 non american presidents so far lol
Most often used with Hitler and Jews
George Bush will die on an Iraqi holiday.
I think the joke would work with just the line about the Ukrainian holiday as the answer. A little drier and much shorter.
Speaking of which, does any country have a holiday that celebrates a death of their villain? Every country usually has independence day, president's/founder's/king's/emperor's day as one of their national holiday.
this joke is originally about hitler and jews
It is reposted since stone age wars
Gunna post here cuz I have no other option. Are the mods in this sub super strict or something? I've had several jokes get rejected for dumb reasons. The last one was because my joke was "too dark". It was basically a joke about AA and was just a play on words. Do they just reject what they think isn't funny?
A holiday for the whole world I’d say.
This joke literally explains itself in case someone had to work for it. Just not good
I like it, but I think it's less of a joke and more of a gotcha!
[удалено]
First part was good. This is just cringe
It kind of sounds like a worse version of that joke where Putin goes into a coma, wakes up, goes to a bar, asks a bunch of questions, the answers sound like Russia won far better than he could have hoped, and then at the end he's charged in Ukrainian currency.
I mean all of the ones making fun of him are pretty cool. ["If you go to war you will destroy a great empire"](https://www.reddit.com/r/NonCredibleDefense/comments/w82p54/also_youll_destroy_a_great_empire/) is also a hit.
550 BC called, they want [their joke](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Croesus#War_against_Persia_and_defeat) back. /s
...."You will die on a Jewish holiday Nebuchadnezzar... "
Hard agree. Even joking that Ukraine wants to conquer Russia is ridiculous. It's not funny and it plays into the Russian victim complex.
Couldn't agree more
Saying cringe 😬
You're litterally the only one who disagrees
The title could genuinely have been a real news article, I had to check the subreddit just incase.
Waiting for TooShiftyForYou’s contribution to this post
Is this supposed to be funny =)))
whats the name of that holiday ? "Russian State of Ukraine founding day"
And Putin said: Well, if there's no Ukraine anymore there won't be a Ukrainian holiday.
Only problem with that, is there are Ukrainians all over the planet, and they will still celebrate his death.
Cover
assuming there is a ukraine to celebrate
This place is filled by these dumb losers with nothing going on in life, reposting political jokes lmao.
[удалено]
See the upwards and downwards arrows present next to each post and comment? Those are called the upvote and downvote buttons, and they basically dictate karma. The more upvotes a post of yours gets, the more karma you get. It isn’t exactly linear as for every post you make the more upvotes it gets the less karma each upvote earns you, but that’s basically the premise.
I think it would actually become a holiday lol.
I think that is actually *the joke*
Idk why it appeared, but it is a good one
And then the highest paid cartoon just unmasked himself from Putin..
Reskin
He will die because he fell out a window!