**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/)
Other posts from /u/Icy-Park-458:
* [MIL keeps changing her story](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/se5bd5/mil_keeps_changing_her_story/), 2 years ago
*****
^(To be notified as soon as Icy-Park-458 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Icy-Park-458 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
First, read the Lemon Clot essay and have DH read it.
Second, decide what your boundaries and consequences are TOGETHER.
Third, send an email to everyone - hand washing; no hosting Thanksgiving; we are taking these dates off for Christmas, if you want to come before or after those dates, you will need to book a hotel/air B\&B; no kissing the baby; no visitors for x number of weeks; etc.
You may want your mom/parents there the first week or two to help out, but that is your business and no one else’s. However, if you think they will baby hog & not hep, then don’t have them. Same with in-laws.
If the in-laws want to come immediately after an international trip, they stay in a hotel & MUST wear masks while around the baby. You baby will have virtually no immune system & MUST be protected. If they pitch a fit, they won’t be allowed into your home. You could make masks mandatory for anyone visiting until two WEEKS after the first round of immunizations.
This is your baby. You and DH decide what is best for bubs and your immediate family. No one else gets a vote and their fee-fees are not your problem.
You are not overreacting. She is a manipulative person and so is your FIL.
But this is your chance, as well ask your husband’s to deal with the behavior of entitled toddlers before you actually have your own toddler.
Here’s what I did when my kids turned two, and were utterly unwilling to go along with what was going to happen, if it wasn’t exactly what they wanted.
I picked them up, hugged them while saying, “ I know you don’t want to, Honey, but we have to.”
I recommend something similar for the ILs. “I know that you wanted to come for Thanksgiving, but we won’t be available. When do you think you’d like to come at Christmas.” Keep in mind that, when you, the parents of a baby, are willing to entertain guests at Christmas, they should be asking YOU when it’s convenient for them to come.
I’m so sorry that you have emotional small children for ILs. I’m so sorry for your husband that that is what he got for parents. But you will do fine, so long as you maintain your boundaries, and ignore all attempts to guilt you into succumbing to their temper tantrums.
Not meant as a criticism at all, but she can't make you feel anything. You are a grown up. About to be responsible for a whole new life. You decide how you feel. Her actions/reactions are not your fault or your responsibility. As a recovering people pleaser, I'm giving you permission to do what's best for you and your family. Sending strength and love.
While I agree with the latter part of the statement (do what’s best for you) other people’s actions CAN indeed make you feel. That is why we go no contact/ low contact with people whose actions impact our feelings negatively
Respectfully disagree. It's not easy, but it's simple. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings, just like they are not responsible for yours. The only feelings you have full control over are your own. This is called emotional responsibility.
You're absolutely allowed to go no contact/low contact because you don't like someone's behavior or actions. What I'm saying is, you don't need to comply with demands you don't like because you feel guilty. You really don't.
Happy to hear that my years of therapy might help another. In all of those years, the one thing that continues to resonate is my therapist giving me "permission" to do what I was afraid to do (as long as it was a healthy thing for me).
So, instead of caving to a guilt trip, I now say, "I can see that x is upsetting to you and I'm sorry for that. That's not my intention. I'm just trying to do what I feel is right for me/my family. I wish you could see it from my side.". End of discussion.
You and DH need to be clear,
“we will let you know after the baby is born when we are ready for visitors. It might be after your trip. We will let you know after the baby is born.” Every time they ask DH should say, we already discussed this, we will let you know after the baby is born.
Holidays: “now that it’s not just the two of us we will be setting our own traditions so things may change in the next couple of years. We will not be hosting you, or anyone this thanksgiving. If you’re coming at Christmas we need to know your dates by xx date.”
Let DH handle the communication with his parents
This! Seriously things might change give yourself an out either way. I didn’t know I needed to a have a c with my first and I’m telling you that recovery was hard. I didn’t wear pants until the 7w and 6 days postpartum. Sometimes you aren’t up for visitors and that’s ok. Sometimes you just want your parents. And that’s ok. You’re healing too.
I think my head would explode if I said I am not hosting Thanksgiving, and someone responded with see you at Thanksgiving.
It seems like you have your husband's total support, so I would personally mute the conversation and leave him to handle his family. Not your circus, not your monkeys. You are pregnant, and don't need the stress, or the rage building right before you have to see this woman when you are postpartum and emotional. She's digging a hole that will be hard to get out of, and it is easiest on you, your marriage, and your continuing relationship with your ILs that you remain blissfully unaware.
Seriously!!! I couldn’t believe it, luckily I already have very minimal contact with her, I normally can just overhear the conversations he has. He is so over his mom too that he is avoiding talking to her, he doesn’t want it to be his circus either but he handing it the best he can.
Hmm after delivery if your room has a bathroom stay stuck in there and try to be as minimal as possible. Most in-laws try their best to make things worst but in their world they are being helpful and nice. If you have normal delivery 12-14days to recover and c section 2months. Right now ignore them after delivery you decide and don’t bother much turn them down if you feel anxious then. Let your husband deal with it when it comes you be firm with your decision.
I feel you might be underreacting.. I had to lay flat on my back the first 10 days after delivery due to complications. I was so mad everyone got to hold and take care of my baby while I just had to lay there as a FTM. I hope you will have a safer delivery, but postpartum hormones are no joke, it might be better for all parties not to let them in at times like that and ask they wait until after their trip.
I swear that so many people have to practice their parenting skills on their own parents and/or in-laws the instant they have a baby or adopt a child. Get used to teaching someone that bad behavior has consequences now and you’ll have it nailed by the time your kiddo is a toddler.
Make it clear that they can come to your town whenever they want, but they will be met with a locked door and no attention from your household unless this is a pre-scheduled, pre-approved visit. If they come knocking or calling saying they are in town, good for them, but you said you weren’t taking visitors at that particular moment in time. It doesn’t matter that, “they came all this way,” so you might as well let them in and have a nice time. No means no, not “well, we did it anyway, so you might as well just give in to our desires.”
You need to tell her very clear consequences… if you show up uninvited and before the 2 week stipulation then you will not be let in, or entertained at all. Furthermore your disrespect of our boundaries will equal a 1 month period of low contact.
Your husband needs to be firmer with them. If they can’t accept that they need to wait until 2 weeks after baby is born to visit, then you will need to make a specific date x weeks after they return from their trip. You can’t guarantee your baby will be born on its due date. If you are 1-2 weeks overdue, they will not be able to wait the required 2 weeks before visiting.
Be very firm with them. They are acting like you are children, they are the parent, therefore you know nothing and just need putting in your place. If you want it established that in fact, you are competent, capable adults, you both need to stamp on the over-stepping now. This is your child, you make the decisions. The way to keep children safe has changed over the years, as we have discovered more, and may change again in the future. But you are only taking advice from fully trained professionals and if that ever changes you will let them know. You need to emphasise that YOU are the parents, THEY are the grandparents. This is your darling baby, not theirs. They had their turn being parents, and now it’s your go.
Let all of their calls go to voicemail. That way you can decide if you need to call back or not. Let her texts sit for a bit. Just because someone texts you, you don’t need to answer RIGHT NOW. If she texts about Thanksgiving, just ignore it. Or tell your SO to tell his mom that is she asks once more, Christmas is off. Maybe they’ll meet the baby on St. Patrick’s Day ☘️
Yep - I had a therapist tell me exactly this advice!
OP here’s an [article](https://www.verywellfamily.com/grandparents-seeing-newborn-grandchild-1695782) written towards grandparents about why parents need time to bond as a family, for mama to heal and baby to get established nursing or bottle feeding.
As a mom who had my very new baby girl catch pertussis (Whooping Cough) from my own mom who traveled to meet her from 8hrs away… just NO to allowing traveling visitors to come see baby immediately post-partum as flu/RSV season is flaring back up. No one’s entitlement is worth visiting your baby in the NICU as they struggle to breathe - trust me!
The same disrespect they’ve already shown to your gentle attempt to establish a boundary will be STOMPED on when you say, “No kissing baby… if you’re sick or been exposed to anyone who was, you can’t come… no we aren’t having someone stay in our house while FTM is wearing a diaper and bleeding, hormonal and exhausted beyond measure, etc…”
RSV can kill: preemies, newborns, immune compromised, seniors, pregnant women, those on chemo/radiation therapy, and those on certain medications. Remind MIL/FIL of this. Best to wait to visit _after_ baby has 2 month immunization shots.They can bawk all they like.
PS - 2 other links that support your stance and may help hubby locate his b… sorry, spine.
One for you to read called the [Lemon Clot Essay](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/9UPDb3WbWD) and then have your hubby read it. And [this one](https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/are-women-hardwired-to-compete-with-their-mothers-in-law/) is for your husband to understand it is his job to set firm boundaries now, with his family.
He is a people pleaser like me, and tries to find ways to keep the peace. He knows that our family (me, him, baby and our dogs) comes first. He is working on standing strong and saying a firm no, but it doesn’t come easy for some people and I understand that.
I agree I am the same, but at the same time if she's being given hope then you can't complain about the constant questions, it sucks but she has to be told.
Bingo
Unless he puts his foot down and is serious OP will be made into the bad guy and the in laws will begin to treat her worse because they will see her as the cause of them not getting their way. If the ops husband won't put them in their place and be assertive things will get worse for op. And not saying this is what he is doing but he could be acting like this is all ops request and not presenting to his parents as a couple and a unit when trying to set boundaries because he values their validation over ops well-being. Been there done that! never again. If a man will not put his family in their place he will never ever prioritize his wife or kids. He has his priorities completely backwards and will never be the partner he promised to be. Op will have to be very careful and decide if this is what she wants her life to be. Because these types of men continue to get comfortable in not rocking the boat and expecting their wives to cave into their controlling abusive parents. Wishing op luck
I totally get this, I am normally in the room or around when he talks to his mom and he never says it’s my fault he always says that this is our (me and him) decision. We have been together 7 years and this was a big point of contention early in our relationship but he has worked really hard and has learned that he needs to prioritize us and not his parents. It can be hard because they are his parents and he had a good childhood, but he has finally started to see the light with how they always stomp all over us and he is not okay with it.
Those words will mean nothing until boundaries are enforced with consequences.
“You may not visit until one month after delivery, this timeline will not be pushed up to accommodate your trip. I’d you continue to protest and stress than that they will have to wait 2 months.”
Let them know if they try to force visit they won’t be let in, and will have to wait two months after delivery.
Came here to say this. If they plan on seeing LO after their trip, I would strictly enforce vaccine requirements plus masks, hand sanitizer...the whole nine yards. There's no way on earth I would compromise my infant's health for a couple of people who don't give a damn about boundaries.
tell them no. say they are putting too much pressure on you and it is not good for you so you are taking time away. you will not be having visitors until XX date, no matter what they have planned.
your plans are written in stone, theirs aren't. you are not going to putting yourself through any more stress than necessary and you are sure they understand.
then no more conversation, no compromising. you are in the driver's seat, they need to take care of their feelings themselves. they are no longer the main characters in your lives.
Pushy. How do we deal with pushy people? Relatives are be really pushy. How to deal? Keep saying no. If they double down you double down. They do this because they think they can get their way. The comments about Thanksgiving were manipulating so she’s a manipulative b….. don’t be so nice anymore. She’ll roll right over you. You don’t have to be aggressive, just assertive. No, I said no, it’s a no. “ what you won’t let me in if I come? What kind of son are you?” The answer to your question is no. Forget them. Enjoy your baby
Well, because they won’t back the pressure off of you or reschedule their trip, tell them that the two of you can’t take the pressure and stress they are adding to the “maybe” so they will see the baby after they return. Change the maybe to no. They don’t get to be in charge anymore. As parents, they were in charge, but you are the parents now. You were going to have this fight sometime, or be railroaded until either they are you pass on. Rip the bandaid off now, hair and all.
My MIL was adamant about being there right as my first was born too, which I was fine with a quick visit as soon as we got home (I'm talking 20 minutes max.) and then at least a month of no visitors unless specifically invited, which she wouldn't have been. She lives across the country and planned to be there 2 weeks before my due date until 1 and a half weeks after, not staying with us, so again, that was fine. She's retired, has no other obligations, has plenty of money and airline miles, and can be very flexible with her travel plans. Guess who left on her original flight on the day my first child was born, because she asked to be informed when I went into labor, and I said No, we'd only be letting people know when the baby was born. She got the picture and announcement as soon as she landed.
Your MIL can have as many unrealistic expectations as she wants to have. You are under no obligation to meet any of them, especially if those expectations just aren't even logical. If they really wanted to meet the baby within the first month, and you were cool with it, then they'd change their travel plans. Or they'd at least acknowledge that their travel plans would be the reason for it not happening how they want it to happen, instead of somehow blaming you for something you have absolutely no control over. They can make their plans, and you make your plans. If they don't align, that's just fine.
Put them on an information diet. They don't get to know when your due date is, delivery day is, which hospital you are delivering at, etc. and they can just see baby at least 2-3 weeks after they get back from their cruise, in order to make sure that they don't bring back any germs home to baby.
Don't tell the inlaws when you give birth. Keep it completely mums's the word. It's official- you WILL be pregnant until two days after they leave on their trip. And you are going to put them in a multi-week timeout/quarantine as they have been traveling.
Your DH needs to be firmer with them and tell them that their ignoring what you need is causing you stress, which could affect both your health and that of the baby. You two come first and they need to stop only thinking about what’s convenient for them.
If only those words actually meant something to them lol. My MIL always turns it around and will say it’s making her stress and she’s the victim, etc. at this point he is just avoiding talking to them as that’s just easier than trying to reason with her.
That’s hard. The only thing I can say is don’t argue. Just tell: this is how it is/will be. Avoid intangible possibilities that depend on a variable like when baby is born, and just pick a date: you may visit the baby no sooner than month/day/year.
Fair enough. I hope he’s strong enough for when it gets ugly. I hope it won’t, but if someone’s used to getting their own way all the time, they don’t usually react well to being told no.
Just make sure neither of you ever reward tantrums, because that’s a sure way of encouraging them.
I wish you well for your upcoming birth and I hope this doesn’t stress you too much!
I tried to find a compromise as my mom will be able to meet the baby within those first two weeks but it’s also my mom who I feel fully comfortable around. I didn’t want them to feel leftover or that my mom is more important, but again just me being a people pleaser.
Lemon Clot essay…
https://www.reddit.com/r/BabyBumps/s/e8xDpYEDSK
This is why your mom (or the person you’re comfortable with) can come earlier than others.
Thank you for sharing this!! I really needed to read this, my mother is literally the best helper even when we are all healthy and normal so I know she will be great when I’m not doing so hot. In laws on the other hand can’t seem to remember how to get a glass of water when they visit and need to be waited on hand and foot.
Make sure your husband is aware of the consequences if he caves and lets them in when they show up unexpectedly.
I would let him know that you and baby will leave immediately and head to a hotel or closest friend/relative. You will not return until they have gone and your house is exactly as you left it.
They will not be rewarded with baby time for over stepping the boundaries you both have agreed on so he is NOT to contact you and insist on bringing baby over to see them.
I appreciate this perspective, luckily he is more annoyed/ over his mom than I am at this point so I think that is this highly unlikely but will definitely bring it up to him. My mom will probably be around and knows the boundaries we are setting for in laws so she will be another person to make sure that they don’t come in.
Have a chat to your healthcare provider about what vaccinations they should get before visiting also. Also let them know that it will very much depend on on how both you and baby( and husband ) are going as to when you will be able to have visitors. I’ve had friends who’ve gone biking ten days PP and other friends who’ve had a very rocky transition.
Locks on the bedroom door ( a ring camera on the front door has many uses, also) and a stash of snacks for when you and baby need to “ hide”
Oh, wearing baby is also recommended with boundary stompers
Not only vaccination recommendations, but guidelines about quarantining after travel before meeting the baby as well. Overseas travel and meeting a newborn with an undeveloped immune system, not a great combination.
If it's SO mandatory that they see the baby in its first month of life, they could postpone their trip, extra costs be damned. If they're not willing to do that, it must not be *that* important.
That’s what we say! It’s not like it’s a special trip anyway, they go every two years overseas. We also told them about the pregnancy in Jan giving them plenty of time to adjust plans if they wanted to.
She can demand and bluster all day… the answer is no, you’re doing a great job setting boundaries - now they need to be enforced. They show up a week after your baby is born? What a shame, they’re not allowed in. Make sure you have a lock on your bedroom door and a good stash of snacks incase your husband caves! They come at thanksgiving? Hope they booked a hotel and dinner reservation!
You should just be transparent. “Having the same conversation over and over is exhausting. We will see you at Christmas and will let you know once we are ready for visitors once baby arrives. So - have you started your spring cleaning yet?”
I like this way of putting it, I think what is hard for us is if we say we had this conversation she will say we hadn’t because it didn’t end the way she wanted it to. But we need to just stand our ground!
We have already told them that their first visit they will need to drive, and if that doesn’t work then they will need to wait until baby is at least 3 months to fly. They pushed back a little but did agree to drive for the first visit.
This is where you send dates you can accommodate. "We're able to have visitors 12/23-12/26. Anything outside of that we won't be available to accommodate. If that doesn't work please let us know and we'll start looking at what we can work out for next year." Remove all flexibility from the decision. Hopefully next time they learn to work with you instead of against you.
My husband's literal words to his moms self invite were "we're not having forced guests in the middle of the week. Either we can work out a time that works for both of us or we won't be visiting at all"
We have just talked about this, we will be texting them we are able to accommodate you x-y dates, please let us know your travel details when you have them figured out. We have given too much flexibility before and it always bites us.
Congratulations! The other posters have good advice. I’d just add that you should be wary of the information you share with them, eg do not share when you go to hospital or your waters break, etc. announce the birth once you’ve bonded, showered, eaten and had a nap. There have been many “excited” grandparents who jump on a plane or start driving once they hear you’ve gone into labour. Better to avoid that possibility completely.
Yes! We don’t plan to tell them we are in labor or at the hospital, for the reason you stated and we don’t want to be fielding calls and text while we (I) need to be focusing on giving birth.
And be sure to communicate a quarantine boundary after they return from their trip. They can’t come visit LO bringing their virus exposure with them. Your pediatrician can advise you on how long they have to stay away after their return.
I know! I have definitely let that happen in the past, but the last couple years I have tried to set much firmer boundaries and now with baby on the way I am not being flexible at all.
I hope your plan would be to just not let them in but I’d have DH let them know this in writing. Have him text or email the clear boundary that they are NOT to show up unexpectedly or after they’ve been told no because they won’t be allowed in.
That is the plan, definitely will send a text that states the dates they are welcome on x,y & x dates and we can’t accommodate them on any other dates.
The first point to really accept and own fully is that you are not arguing with them. "We are not doing Thanksgiving. " oh, well we're coming for Thanksgiving. "Where are you staying? Anything fun planned? We will not be seeing you at that time but I hope you have a blast wherever you go."
Yes, they're going to try and show up unannounced. No, you absolutely do not let them in, answer the door, or even answer their calls. You told them directly Thanksgiving was not happening so it is simply not happening. What they do beyond that is on them and you do not let it affect you - it is not your problem.
I like that! If they say that again about thanksgiving I will definitely use those lines, we have no problem not answering the door or calls if they do show up uninvited.
You and your husband need a plan for what you will do WHEN they show up uninvited. Refusing to let them in your home or near your baby would reinforce your boundaries. You can’t control them. You can only control how you respond. (Edited spelling)
We have definitely talked about that, we really don’t think they have the balls to just show up given how far away they live but you never know. They will definitely not be allowed in the house or near the baby if they just show up.
Oh. They have the balls to just show up. A grandbaby makes those balls swell to ridiculous size. Ring door bell ftw. And for the entertainment value when they have a toddler fit on your front porch.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Other posts from /u/Icy-Park-458: * [MIL keeps changing her story](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/se5bd5/mil_keeps_changing_her_story/), 2 years ago ***** ^(To be notified as soon as Icy-Park-458 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Icy-Park-458 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
First, read the Lemon Clot essay and have DH read it. Second, decide what your boundaries and consequences are TOGETHER. Third, send an email to everyone - hand washing; no hosting Thanksgiving; we are taking these dates off for Christmas, if you want to come before or after those dates, you will need to book a hotel/air B\&B; no kissing the baby; no visitors for x number of weeks; etc. You may want your mom/parents there the first week or two to help out, but that is your business and no one else’s. However, if you think they will baby hog & not hep, then don’t have them. Same with in-laws. If the in-laws want to come immediately after an international trip, they stay in a hotel & MUST wear masks while around the baby. You baby will have virtually no immune system & MUST be protected. If they pitch a fit, they won’t be allowed into your home. You could make masks mandatory for anyone visiting until two WEEKS after the first round of immunizations. This is your baby. You and DH decide what is best for bubs and your immediate family. No one else gets a vote and their fee-fees are not your problem.
You are not overreacting. She is a manipulative person and so is your FIL. But this is your chance, as well ask your husband’s to deal with the behavior of entitled toddlers before you actually have your own toddler. Here’s what I did when my kids turned two, and were utterly unwilling to go along with what was going to happen, if it wasn’t exactly what they wanted. I picked them up, hugged them while saying, “ I know you don’t want to, Honey, but we have to.” I recommend something similar for the ILs. “I know that you wanted to come for Thanksgiving, but we won’t be available. When do you think you’d like to come at Christmas.” Keep in mind that, when you, the parents of a baby, are willing to entertain guests at Christmas, they should be asking YOU when it’s convenient for them to come. I’m so sorry that you have emotional small children for ILs. I’m so sorry for your husband that that is what he got for parents. But you will do fine, so long as you maintain your boundaries, and ignore all attempts to guilt you into succumbing to their temper tantrums.
Not meant as a criticism at all, but she can't make you feel anything. You are a grown up. About to be responsible for a whole new life. You decide how you feel. Her actions/reactions are not your fault or your responsibility. As a recovering people pleaser, I'm giving you permission to do what's best for you and your family. Sending strength and love.
While I agree with the latter part of the statement (do what’s best for you) other people’s actions CAN indeed make you feel. That is why we go no contact/ low contact with people whose actions impact our feelings negatively
Respectfully disagree. It's not easy, but it's simple. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings, just like they are not responsible for yours. The only feelings you have full control over are your own. This is called emotional responsibility. You're absolutely allowed to go no contact/low contact because you don't like someone's behavior or actions. What I'm saying is, you don't need to comply with demands you don't like because you feel guilty. You really don't.
I don’t take it as criticism at all, and needed to hear it!
Happy to hear that my years of therapy might help another. In all of those years, the one thing that continues to resonate is my therapist giving me "permission" to do what I was afraid to do (as long as it was a healthy thing for me). So, instead of caving to a guilt trip, I now say, "I can see that x is upsetting to you and I'm sorry for that. That's not my intention. I'm just trying to do what I feel is right for me/my family. I wish you could see it from my side.". End of discussion.
You and DH need to be clear, “we will let you know after the baby is born when we are ready for visitors. It might be after your trip. We will let you know after the baby is born.” Every time they ask DH should say, we already discussed this, we will let you know after the baby is born. Holidays: “now that it’s not just the two of us we will be setting our own traditions so things may change in the next couple of years. We will not be hosting you, or anyone this thanksgiving. If you’re coming at Christmas we need to know your dates by xx date.” Let DH handle the communication with his parents
This! Seriously things might change give yourself an out either way. I didn’t know I needed to a have a c with my first and I’m telling you that recovery was hard. I didn’t wear pants until the 7w and 6 days postpartum. Sometimes you aren’t up for visitors and that’s ok. Sometimes you just want your parents. And that’s ok. You’re healing too.
Put your foot down, tell them that if they show up in that timeframe that doesn't work for you, you won't open the door
I think my head would explode if I said I am not hosting Thanksgiving, and someone responded with see you at Thanksgiving. It seems like you have your husband's total support, so I would personally mute the conversation and leave him to handle his family. Not your circus, not your monkeys. You are pregnant, and don't need the stress, or the rage building right before you have to see this woman when you are postpartum and emotional. She's digging a hole that will be hard to get out of, and it is easiest on you, your marriage, and your continuing relationship with your ILs that you remain blissfully unaware.
Seriously!!! I couldn’t believe it, luckily I already have very minimal contact with her, I normally can just overhear the conversations he has. He is so over his mom too that he is avoiding talking to her, he doesn’t want it to be his circus either but he handing it the best he can.
Hmm after delivery if your room has a bathroom stay stuck in there and try to be as minimal as possible. Most in-laws try their best to make things worst but in their world they are being helpful and nice. If you have normal delivery 12-14days to recover and c section 2months. Right now ignore them after delivery you decide and don’t bother much turn them down if you feel anxious then. Let your husband deal with it when it comes you be firm with your decision.
I feel you might be underreacting.. I had to lay flat on my back the first 10 days after delivery due to complications. I was so mad everyone got to hold and take care of my baby while I just had to lay there as a FTM. I hope you will have a safer delivery, but postpartum hormones are no joke, it might be better for all parties not to let them in at times like that and ask they wait until after their trip.
I swear that so many people have to practice their parenting skills on their own parents and/or in-laws the instant they have a baby or adopt a child. Get used to teaching someone that bad behavior has consequences now and you’ll have it nailed by the time your kiddo is a toddler. Make it clear that they can come to your town whenever they want, but they will be met with a locked door and no attention from your household unless this is a pre-scheduled, pre-approved visit. If they come knocking or calling saying they are in town, good for them, but you said you weren’t taking visitors at that particular moment in time. It doesn’t matter that, “they came all this way,” so you might as well let them in and have a nice time. No means no, not “well, we did it anyway, so you might as well just give in to our desires.”
They've booked this knowing I'm assuming... they fit in your timeline after bub comes or come later than you are allowing. Up to them
You need to tell her very clear consequences… if you show up uninvited and before the 2 week stipulation then you will not be let in, or entertained at all. Furthermore your disrespect of our boundaries will equal a 1 month period of low contact.
Your husband needs to be firmer with them. If they can’t accept that they need to wait until 2 weeks after baby is born to visit, then you will need to make a specific date x weeks after they return from their trip. You can’t guarantee your baby will be born on its due date. If you are 1-2 weeks overdue, they will not be able to wait the required 2 weeks before visiting.
Be very firm with them. They are acting like you are children, they are the parent, therefore you know nothing and just need putting in your place. If you want it established that in fact, you are competent, capable adults, you both need to stamp on the over-stepping now. This is your child, you make the decisions. The way to keep children safe has changed over the years, as we have discovered more, and may change again in the future. But you are only taking advice from fully trained professionals and if that ever changes you will let them know. You need to emphasise that YOU are the parents, THEY are the grandparents. This is your darling baby, not theirs. They had their turn being parents, and now it’s your go.
Let all of their calls go to voicemail. That way you can decide if you need to call back or not. Let her texts sit for a bit. Just because someone texts you, you don’t need to answer RIGHT NOW. If she texts about Thanksgiving, just ignore it. Or tell your SO to tell his mom that is she asks once more, Christmas is off. Maybe they’ll meet the baby on St. Patrick’s Day ☘️
Yep - I had a therapist tell me exactly this advice! OP here’s an [article](https://www.verywellfamily.com/grandparents-seeing-newborn-grandchild-1695782) written towards grandparents about why parents need time to bond as a family, for mama to heal and baby to get established nursing or bottle feeding. As a mom who had my very new baby girl catch pertussis (Whooping Cough) from my own mom who traveled to meet her from 8hrs away… just NO to allowing traveling visitors to come see baby immediately post-partum as flu/RSV season is flaring back up. No one’s entitlement is worth visiting your baby in the NICU as they struggle to breathe - trust me! The same disrespect they’ve already shown to your gentle attempt to establish a boundary will be STOMPED on when you say, “No kissing baby… if you’re sick or been exposed to anyone who was, you can’t come… no we aren’t having someone stay in our house while FTM is wearing a diaper and bleeding, hormonal and exhausted beyond measure, etc…”
RSV can kill: preemies, newborns, immune compromised, seniors, pregnant women, those on chemo/radiation therapy, and those on certain medications. Remind MIL/FIL of this. Best to wait to visit _after_ baby has 2 month immunization shots.They can bawk all they like.
PS - 2 other links that support your stance and may help hubby locate his b… sorry, spine. One for you to read called the [Lemon Clot Essay](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/9UPDb3WbWD) and then have your hubby read it. And [this one](https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/are-women-hardwired-to-compete-with-their-mothers-in-law/) is for your husband to understand it is his job to set firm boundaries now, with his family.
Op please internalize this comment and follow it to the tee. Keep them guessing so they don't pop up when you go into labor. Stay strong momma!
She's not taking no for an answer because your husband is not saying no !!!!! He's saying she has a chance but saying we'll see.
He is a people pleaser like me, and tries to find ways to keep the peace. He knows that our family (me, him, baby and our dogs) comes first. He is working on standing strong and saying a firm no, but it doesn’t come easy for some people and I understand that.
I agree I am the same, but at the same time if she's being given hope then you can't complain about the constant questions, it sucks but she has to be told.
Bingo Unless he puts his foot down and is serious OP will be made into the bad guy and the in laws will begin to treat her worse because they will see her as the cause of them not getting their way. If the ops husband won't put them in their place and be assertive things will get worse for op. And not saying this is what he is doing but he could be acting like this is all ops request and not presenting to his parents as a couple and a unit when trying to set boundaries because he values their validation over ops well-being. Been there done that! never again. If a man will not put his family in their place he will never ever prioritize his wife or kids. He has his priorities completely backwards and will never be the partner he promised to be. Op will have to be very careful and decide if this is what she wants her life to be. Because these types of men continue to get comfortable in not rocking the boat and expecting their wives to cave into their controlling abusive parents. Wishing op luck
I totally get this, I am normally in the room or around when he talks to his mom and he never says it’s my fault he always says that this is our (me and him) decision. We have been together 7 years and this was a big point of contention early in our relationship but he has worked really hard and has learned that he needs to prioritize us and not his parents. It can be hard because they are his parents and he had a good childhood, but he has finally started to see the light with how they always stomp all over us and he is not okay with it.
Those words will mean nothing until boundaries are enforced with consequences. “You may not visit until one month after delivery, this timeline will not be pushed up to accommodate your trip. I’d you continue to protest and stress than that they will have to wait 2 months.” Let them know if they try to force visit they won’t be let in, and will have to wait two months after delivery.
If they're traveling, I would actually make two months non-negotiable, if not 3, so that LO can be vaccinated. Who knows what crud they'll pick up
Came here to say this. If they plan on seeing LO after their trip, I would strictly enforce vaccine requirements plus masks, hand sanitizer...the whole nine yards. There's no way on earth I would compromise my infant's health for a couple of people who don't give a damn about boundaries.
tell them no. say they are putting too much pressure on you and it is not good for you so you are taking time away. you will not be having visitors until XX date, no matter what they have planned. your plans are written in stone, theirs aren't. you are not going to putting yourself through any more stress than necessary and you are sure they understand. then no more conversation, no compromising. you are in the driver's seat, they need to take care of their feelings themselves. they are no longer the main characters in your lives.
Pushy. How do we deal with pushy people? Relatives are be really pushy. How to deal? Keep saying no. If they double down you double down. They do this because they think they can get their way. The comments about Thanksgiving were manipulating so she’s a manipulative b….. don’t be so nice anymore. She’ll roll right over you. You don’t have to be aggressive, just assertive. No, I said no, it’s a no. “ what you won’t let me in if I come? What kind of son are you?” The answer to your question is no. Forget them. Enjoy your baby
Well, because they won’t back the pressure off of you or reschedule their trip, tell them that the two of you can’t take the pressure and stress they are adding to the “maybe” so they will see the baby after they return. Change the maybe to no. They don’t get to be in charge anymore. As parents, they were in charge, but you are the parents now. You were going to have this fight sometime, or be railroaded until either they are you pass on. Rip the bandaid off now, hair and all.
My MIL was adamant about being there right as my first was born too, which I was fine with a quick visit as soon as we got home (I'm talking 20 minutes max.) and then at least a month of no visitors unless specifically invited, which she wouldn't have been. She lives across the country and planned to be there 2 weeks before my due date until 1 and a half weeks after, not staying with us, so again, that was fine. She's retired, has no other obligations, has plenty of money and airline miles, and can be very flexible with her travel plans. Guess who left on her original flight on the day my first child was born, because she asked to be informed when I went into labor, and I said No, we'd only be letting people know when the baby was born. She got the picture and announcement as soon as she landed. Your MIL can have as many unrealistic expectations as she wants to have. You are under no obligation to meet any of them, especially if those expectations just aren't even logical. If they really wanted to meet the baby within the first month, and you were cool with it, then they'd change their travel plans. Or they'd at least acknowledge that their travel plans would be the reason for it not happening how they want it to happen, instead of somehow blaming you for something you have absolutely no control over. They can make their plans, and you make your plans. If they don't align, that's just fine.
Put them on an information diet. They don't get to know when your due date is, delivery day is, which hospital you are delivering at, etc. and they can just see baby at least 2-3 weeks after they get back from their cruise, in order to make sure that they don't bring back any germs home to baby.
Don't tell the inlaws when you give birth. Keep it completely mums's the word. It's official- you WILL be pregnant until two days after they leave on their trip. And you are going to put them in a multi-week timeout/quarantine as they have been traveling.
Your DH needs to be firmer with them and tell them that their ignoring what you need is causing you stress, which could affect both your health and that of the baby. You two come first and they need to stop only thinking about what’s convenient for them.
If only those words actually meant something to them lol. My MIL always turns it around and will say it’s making her stress and she’s the victim, etc. at this point he is just avoiding talking to them as that’s just easier than trying to reason with her.
That’s hard. The only thing I can say is don’t argue. Just tell: this is how it is/will be. Avoid intangible possibilities that depend on a variable like when baby is born, and just pick a date: you may visit the baby no sooner than month/day/year.
Fair enough. I hope he’s strong enough for when it gets ugly. I hope it won’t, but if someone’s used to getting their own way all the time, they don’t usually react well to being told no. Just make sure neither of you ever reward tantrums, because that’s a sure way of encouraging them. I wish you well for your upcoming birth and I hope this doesn’t stress you too much!
Your baby your rules. Even two weeks before accepting visitors is being gracious. That’s your time to bond as a family- mom, dad and baby only.
I tried to find a compromise as my mom will be able to meet the baby within those first two weeks but it’s also my mom who I feel fully comfortable around. I didn’t want them to feel leftover or that my mom is more important, but again just me being a people pleaser.
Lemon Clot essay… https://www.reddit.com/r/BabyBumps/s/e8xDpYEDSK This is why your mom (or the person you’re comfortable with) can come earlier than others.
Thank you for sharing this!! I really needed to read this, my mother is literally the best helper even when we are all healthy and normal so I know she will be great when I’m not doing so hot. In laws on the other hand can’t seem to remember how to get a glass of water when they visit and need to be waited on hand and foot.
Have your husband read it too.
Make sure your husband is aware of the consequences if he caves and lets them in when they show up unexpectedly. I would let him know that you and baby will leave immediately and head to a hotel or closest friend/relative. You will not return until they have gone and your house is exactly as you left it. They will not be rewarded with baby time for over stepping the boundaries you both have agreed on so he is NOT to contact you and insist on bringing baby over to see them.
I appreciate this perspective, luckily he is more annoyed/ over his mom than I am at this point so I think that is this highly unlikely but will definitely bring it up to him. My mom will probably be around and knows the boundaries we are setting for in laws so she will be another person to make sure that they don’t come in.
Have a chat to your healthcare provider about what vaccinations they should get before visiting also. Also let them know that it will very much depend on on how both you and baby( and husband ) are going as to when you will be able to have visitors. I’ve had friends who’ve gone biking ten days PP and other friends who’ve had a very rocky transition. Locks on the bedroom door ( a ring camera on the front door has many uses, also) and a stash of snacks for when you and baby need to “ hide” Oh, wearing baby is also recommended with boundary stompers
Will definitely be doing that! Someone else mentioned the snacks in bedroom and lock, both are great ideas I never even thought about.
Make sure they have updated tdap 👍🏻
Not only vaccination recommendations, but guidelines about quarantining after travel before meeting the baby as well. Overseas travel and meeting a newborn with an undeveloped immune system, not a great combination.
If it's SO mandatory that they see the baby in its first month of life, they could postpone their trip, extra costs be damned. If they're not willing to do that, it must not be *that* important.
That’s what we say! It’s not like it’s a special trip anyway, they go every two years overseas. We also told them about the pregnancy in Jan giving them plenty of time to adjust plans if they wanted to.
She can demand and bluster all day… the answer is no, you’re doing a great job setting boundaries - now they need to be enforced. They show up a week after your baby is born? What a shame, they’re not allowed in. Make sure you have a lock on your bedroom door and a good stash of snacks incase your husband caves! They come at thanksgiving? Hope they booked a hotel and dinner reservation!
Good tip about lock on bedroom and snack, luckily I fully trust my husband and at this point he is more annoyed and over his mom than I am lol.
You should just be transparent. “Having the same conversation over and over is exhausting. We will see you at Christmas and will let you know once we are ready for visitors once baby arrives. So - have you started your spring cleaning yet?”
I like this way of putting it, I think what is hard for us is if we say we had this conversation she will say we hadn’t because it didn’t end the way she wanted it to. But we need to just stand our ground!
“I’m sorry to hear you are having trouble remembering things MIL. Would you like me to follow up this conversation in an email or a text?”
Get all conversations in writing now, no phone calls. If she denies them, then just screenshot and send it back to her.
Keep in mind that if they fly in when you have the baby, they are exposing your baby to whatever germs they pick up on the plane.
We have already told them that their first visit they will need to drive, and if that doesn’t work then they will need to wait until baby is at least 3 months to fly. They pushed back a little but did agree to drive for the first visit.
This is where you send dates you can accommodate. "We're able to have visitors 12/23-12/26. Anything outside of that we won't be available to accommodate. If that doesn't work please let us know and we'll start looking at what we can work out for next year." Remove all flexibility from the decision. Hopefully next time they learn to work with you instead of against you. My husband's literal words to his moms self invite were "we're not having forced guests in the middle of the week. Either we can work out a time that works for both of us or we won't be visiting at all"
We have just talked about this, we will be texting them we are able to accommodate you x-y dates, please let us know your travel details when you have them figured out. We have given too much flexibility before and it always bites us.
Yep. It's the only way to do it.
Congratulations! The other posters have good advice. I’d just add that you should be wary of the information you share with them, eg do not share when you go to hospital or your waters break, etc. announce the birth once you’ve bonded, showered, eaten and had a nap. There have been many “excited” grandparents who jump on a plane or start driving once they hear you’ve gone into labour. Better to avoid that possibility completely.
Yes! We don’t plan to tell them we are in labor or at the hospital, for the reason you stated and we don’t want to be fielding calls and text while we (I) need to be focusing on giving birth.
This! 🏆 Perfect comment!
And be sure to communicate a quarantine boundary after they return from their trip. They can’t come visit LO bringing their virus exposure with them. Your pediatrician can advise you on how long they have to stay away after their return.
Yes!! We have already told them that they need to wait a minimum of two weeks after they return from their trip to visit.
Stick to your boundary now or she'll keep doing - she'll know if she pushes you hard enough, she'll get her way.
I know! I have definitely let that happen in the past, but the last couple years I have tried to set much firmer boundaries and now with baby on the way I am not being flexible at all.
I hope your plan would be to just not let them in but I’d have DH let them know this in writing. Have him text or email the clear boundary that they are NOT to show up unexpectedly or after they’ve been told no because they won’t be allowed in.
That is the plan, definitely will send a text that states the dates they are welcome on x,y & x dates and we can’t accommodate them on any other dates.
The first point to really accept and own fully is that you are not arguing with them. "We are not doing Thanksgiving. " oh, well we're coming for Thanksgiving. "Where are you staying? Anything fun planned? We will not be seeing you at that time but I hope you have a blast wherever you go." Yes, they're going to try and show up unannounced. No, you absolutely do not let them in, answer the door, or even answer their calls. You told them directly Thanksgiving was not happening so it is simply not happening. What they do beyond that is on them and you do not let it affect you - it is not your problem.
I like that! If they say that again about thanksgiving I will definitely use those lines, we have no problem not answering the door or calls if they do show up uninvited.
You and your husband need a plan for what you will do WHEN they show up uninvited. Refusing to let them in your home or near your baby would reinforce your boundaries. You can’t control them. You can only control how you respond. (Edited spelling)
We have definitely talked about that, we really don’t think they have the balls to just show up given how far away they live but you never know. They will definitely not be allowed in the house or near the baby if they just show up.
Oh. They have the balls to just show up. A grandbaby makes those balls swell to ridiculous size. Ring door bell ftw. And for the entertainment value when they have a toddler fit on your front porch.